Shitty Movie Night

Tango & Cash

Donkey: Unlike most of our adventures into the land of pain and despair captured on film, this entry is polite enough to prepare us for the ordeal ahead by beginning with an ominous warning. Just as the Warner Brothers logo fades away from the screen, the disembodied voice of Sylvester Stallone mutters, “Okay, let’s do it” while in no way sounding like he has a mouthful of goat semen. This might as well have been followed by the sound of rubber gloves snapping onto his hands while he asks me to touch my ankles, because at this point it seems pretty clear to me that I’m going to feel like a finger has been up my ass by the time this movie is done.

A Holiday Buyer’s Guide To Ball Draining Glory

Donkey: Like a creepy uncle with a mustache and a seemingly infinite supply of stained jogging pants, the holiday season is once again waiting just around the corner, ready to pounce on the innocent and unsuspecting.

Welcome To Our Nightmare

For the last two years, three brave men have walked the thin line between life and death, sanity and insanity, Black Cherry French Vanilla Pepsi Jazz and Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper. They have soared with the angels, and huddled below the earth with demons. They have fought alongside giant robots with hydraulic fists, and driven go-karts in an attempt to learn the ins and outs of back alley illegal street racing. They have done what you could not, what you would not, do. They are on a mission, one that will push them to the very limits of their physical, intellectual and emotional endurance.

They watch shitty movies, and now, for the first time, their stories will be recounted here.

Prepare yourself diligently for what is to come, and beware, for here be dragons.