The Ice Pirates

Donkey: When I think back to my childhood, there are certain memories that I know will always belong to me alone, locked away in this brain for as long as it continues to function at the most basic level. Granted, that could all change someday, should I happen to be rendered a mental houseplant with a cranial capacity that forces me to trade away reason, memories, and the capacity for rational thought in favor of drooling, staring vacantly, or actually enjoying a Brad Paisley album. But in the meantime, I will treasure those memories as my own. Whether it’s the time I found a ripped up Playboy magazine in an empty field on the way home from grade school and saw a naked woman for the first time, or the first time I took my parents’ car out on my own after getting my driver’s license, and subsequently ran over a small clan of gypsies only to spend the remainder of that evening burying them in that same field. Ah, the circle of life. And until recently, I counted The Ice Pirates as one of those very private memories. My family had rented it a couple of times when it first came out on VHS, but not a single one of them ever remembered what it was about, or ever having watched it. I myself couldn’t remember much about it, apart from knowing for certain that it did, in fact, exist. But that was more than I could say for Blombo or Milobar, as the looks I got when I recommended it for Shitty Movie Night contained a level of vacancy and confusion so deep that I immediately recommended that they audition for a part on The Hills. But rather than keep this gem in the cloudy haze of my early childhood, we decided it was time that we search it out and share in the majesty that was Robert Urich. Goddamn, what a mistake that was.

The Plot:

Donkey: Trying to describe the plot of The Ice Pirates is so stupid that even the movie itself doesn’t bother. Instead, the plot’s description on the back of the DVD cover is riddled with ridiculous puns, hoping that you won’t notice that it only serves to take up space without actually accomplishing anything. It’s no wonder that no one has ever seen this goddamn movie. “Have an ice day”? “The manic, concluding…battle is just the ice-ing on the intergalactic cake”? That’s preposterous and remarkably unclever. “This movie isn’t even worth PIRATING a copy”. See what I just did there? Not so goddamn hard, was it? Game, set, and match, The Ice Pirates DVD.

But despite the fact that the film’s distributor didn’t see fit to do it, I’ll use three sentences to summarize the catastrophe that you’re about to witness through our eyes. In the depths of space, there exists a galaxy that has lost all of it’s water, save one single planet. With the entire galaxy’s water supply under the tight control of evil Templars, one small band of pirates dares to defy the odds and the very laws of physics. Led by one of the true titans of obscurity, Robert Urich, this band of misfits and the Princess that Robert is desperately trying to show his penis to, seek out a lost king and the mythical water planet that he was searching for.

Oh, and there’s herpes. Lots of herpes. Enjoy.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: Sweet, sweet Ice Pirates.

Donkey: Of all the Hollywood movies that we’ve watched for Shitty Movie Night, this one is probably the most obscure.

Milobar: It’s definitely one of the most ridiculous.

Donkey: We kick things off with an introductory paragraph being displayed on the screen that’s also being read by a narrator. I never really understood it when a movie handles their introduction this way. If you want to put some text up on the screen to open your movie, fine. If you want to have a narrator give an opening monologue, cool. But why do both? Why would I read through your paragraph if someone is quite literally reading it for me? And on the other hand, if I’m trying to read through this tripe, it’s very distracting to be forced to hear some asshole slur out the words over top of the ones that are already going through my head.

Milobar: The narrator explains that after the Planetary Wars, the galaxy has gone dry and the Templars have absolute control over the remaining water supply.

Donkey: Really? The entire galaxy? That’s pretty remarkable.

Milobar: The only thing left of value is water because somehow it’s all gone missing. Look, I don’t think you assholes quite understand how these things work. It had to go somewhere.

Donkey: You have to love how this movie offers absolutely no explanation as to how this happened. Just accept it. Now here’s a cookie. Go outside and play. As as small side note, if nothing else, I love this movie just so that when I say, “Robert Urich,” and people say, “Who are you babbling about now?” I can reply, “watch The Ice Pirates and learn, motherfuckers”.

Milobar: This was made during that time in the early 80′s, just after Star Wars, where Sci-Fi movies were all the rage. So of course you’ve gotta have that rogue Han Solo lead character, some robot sidekicks, an intergalactic princess…

Donkey: And abject racism.

Milobar: Definitely racism. And Ron Perlman. I forgot Ron Perlman was in this.

Donkey: Not to mention Anjelica Huston. What the fuck was she doing?

Milobar: The movie starts as the pirates are preparing to attack a water freighter on the edge of a convoy. Of course, as the pirate ship flies onto the screen, there is triumphant music playing. Hurray for our heroes! About to steal water from it’s proper owners!

Donkey: That water was headed to the orphanage on Beta-7. Thanks, pirates! Our heroes land their ship on top of the freighter and prepare for their stealth boarding procedure, which consists of taking a laser cannon and punching a hole into the side of the enemy vessel. I imagine that it probably came down to a coin toss between using that or a giant battering ram.

Milobar: You know these special effects are better than anything I’ve ever seen in any Asylum film, and The Asylum didn’t start making movies until years after this had already faded in to oblivion. After getting his crew of glorified space monkeys to shoot a hole through the hull of the water ship, Robert Urich peeks through. With a visible range of about 2 degrees he comes to the conclusion that no one is around and declares that they’re good. How do you know that you didn’t trigger an alarm? Or there aren’t guards on their way? Or that there just wasn’t anybody walking by at that moment? Fuck it, who cares? Commence using the laser to cut a door sized hole in the side of the ship!

Donkey: It’s the Metal Gear Solid philosophy of espionage rearing it’s ugly head once again: as long as something doesn’t happen within a four foot cone of vision directly in front of any patrolling guards, it must go unnoticed. Hell, it practically never happened.

Milobar: It’s hard to argue with that logic as we experience the movie’s first attempt at comedy, and they make an explosive entrance into what turns out to be the shitter. And of course there’s an alien present shitting exactly the same way a human does.

Donkey: Why the fuck did that thing just sit there this whole time?

Milobar: Someone just spent five minutes cutting a huge fucking door in the wall next to you! I guess it must just be regular scheduled maintenance.

Donkey: In shock at the sudden invasion of its privacy, the alien makes about fourteen consecutive fart sounds. I suppose the movie is trying to suggest that the pirates have literally scared the shit out of this thing. We’re dealing with high-brow comedy here, folks.

Milobar: While doing their best to sneak through the ship’s hallways, the robots that the pirates have brought with them decide to fuck up everyone’s day and start fighting amongst themselves.

Donkey: Naturally. If you’re going to build yourself a small troupe of fighting robots, it’s just a matter of common sense to model them after The Three Stooges. They’ll get shit done and be delightful while doing it. Sure, their antics might be exceptionally annoying and have an extremely high probability of getting you killed, but it will end up being quite heart-warming if you manage to survive long enough. And isn’t that what’s important? After evading the robotic sentry that their squabbling metal fighters had attracted the attention of, a door opens right next to the pirates and they are immediately discovered by an old woman.

Milobar: What? A maid? Why would people in the future wear maid outfits?

Donkey: Looking at this, I would guess strictly for the sake of sexual role play. Grandma here looks like she’s about three washing machine spin cycles away from begging for it. She takes one look at Roscoe, Robert Urich’s black first mate, and starts calling for guards. The gang pushes their way into her room, closes the door behind them, and muzzles her as guards gather on the other side of the door.

Milobar: Fuck, why would these guards use swords? And wear chainmail?

Donkey: I think they’re taking this whole ‘pirate’ theme a little too literally. Just because these guys are committing the act of piracy, that doesn’t mean that everyone in this movie should look like they’re from the eighteenth century. As Roscoe is pretending to be the old white woman and calling off the guards, Jason (played by the sweet Robert Urich) walks into another room and discovers Princess Karina lying in a hyperbaric chamber seemingly filled with dry ice.

Milobar: No, I’m pretty sure that’s just fart gas. She’s been in there a while.

Donkey: What the hell? Were you eating beef burritos, lady? Jason takes the surprisingly bold initiative of opening the stankchamber, risking the chance that he might wake this woman who is clearly sleeping off an asparagus and chili eating contest, then holds two fingers in front of her face. Hey lady, smell my fingers. Does this smell normal to you? Then, thinking no one’s looking, he reaches for the top of her dress…

Milobar: Robert Urich, trying to maintain his title of Greasiest Motherfucker Ever, attempts to sneak a peek at the titties. Seriously, what was the point of that?

Donkey: As they’re about to leave Princess Karina’s quarters and continue with the heist, Roscoe walks up behind one of his own robots that is standing at attention and cuts a wire in the back of its neck. The robot then walks off with a limp. What the hell was the point of that? Did he just really not like that robot?

Milobar: He’s probably just mad that his dad got laid off at the hydrochloric acid processing plant and was replaced by a robot. Fuck, even though this is supposedly a freighter full of ice, the only place this band of morons was able to locate any was in the goddamn engine room. Why would ice be stored in, arguably, the hottest room in the ship?

Donkey: As Jason and his band finally make their way there, it’s not even cold enough that you can see their breath. So it doesn’t appear that they’re even bothering to try to cool this room in any way.

Milobar: Arrggg!! My hand!

Donkey: As he’s pointing Jason in the direction of the sought after ice, Ron Perlman has his hand cut off by an attacking robot. No worries, though. He retrieves it off the ground a moment later, calm as a Hindu cow.

Milobar: Why is there no blood coming out of Ron Perlman’s stump?

Donkey: Apparently the wound was immediately cauterized shut by the inner fires of his white-hot embarrassment. As Jason and his crew are attacked by hostile robots, they send their robots in to fight for them. And of course, even though they seem to spend enough time practicing on each other, their robots fight very badly. This is just so wacky and lovable.

Milobar: But their little midget robot manages to fight back with some barely adequate martial arts skills that mostly involve kicking the other robots in the nads?

Donkey: Repeatedly. Because if you want a robot to feel that kick, you’ve got to really pound on those balls. Sure, I’ll build a robot that has balls, and sure, I’ll make sure those balls are his weak spot. But I’m not going to make those balls hyper-sensitive! I’m not a goddamn moron!

Milobar: Once the fight is over, Jason coaxes one of the robots over to the railing, and then pushes it off. Because hey, fuck robots.

Donkey: Their two remaining robots who witnessed this suddenly snap to attention and march away in an exaggerated orderly fashion, as if frightened by these developments. It’s nice to see that they programmed these robots to somehow feel fear, as well as have an over-developed sense of comedic timing.

Milobar: As the scene switches to the control room, there are gay dudes watching Roller Derby. So in the future they have pirates, chain mail, Roller Derby, and control rooms full of gay dudes. This is what you get America! A future dominated by Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.

Donkey: As the commanding officer and his crew sit around watching the finest entertainment that the late 70′s has to offer, Jason and a few of his pirates sneak in and hold them at gunpoint. Once they’re satisfied that they’ve secured the control room, Jason radios back to the rest of his crew, telling them that they can commence with loading the ice onto their ship.

Milobar: You know, there’s a significant difference in scale between the freighter and the pirates’ ship. The freighter is about a thousand times larger than the pirates’ ship. So they could only get away with about a half of a half of a half of a percent of that cargo at best. It would barely even be noticeable, let alone profitable. You’d lose more to melting and evaporation in that goddamn engine room alone.

Donkey: After a few minutes of awkward chit chat about the princess and a bizarre moment where one of the pirate robots appears to be masturbating next to a captive woman’s face, one of the flight crew gets up the courage to dive for the control panel and hit the emergency alarm button before Jason has a chance to laser up his ass real nice like. And once that happens, all hell breaks loose.

Milobar: Holy shit. Did Robert Urich just deflect a laser with his wristband?

Donkey: He certainly did, as a person tried to shoot him from about three feet away.

Milobar: How fast and accurate do you have to be to deflect a laser with anything, let alone a wristband?

Donkey: You’ve gotta be Robert Urich-fast, baby!

Milobar: Watching them all running back to the ship, something very important just occurred to me: You would have to think that if water is the most valuable resource in the entire galaxy, then these people haven’t showered in a long time.

Donkey: That’s quite astute, and I’m willing to bet that you’re right. Everyone in this movie probably smells like a dead yak’s crotch. As they flee to safety, Jason elects to spilt from the group and meet them back at the ship. You know a man like this can’t pass up the opportunity for some free date rape, especially when it saves him the cost of a roofie. He runs back and grabs the still unconscious princess to take as a trophy.

Milobar: As they escape back through the shitter, they pass the pooping alien again, who is still examining the bump on its head from their last encounter.

Donkey: Why the fuck is that thing still in the shitter? Whether you can remember how you got there in the first place or not, if you wake up in a shitter with your pants down, there is only one universal rule to follow: RUN.

Milobar: Why was that alien even on the ship? Everyone else was either a human or a robot.

Donkey: As the pirates prepare to make their daring escape, the movie cuts to a battleship, closing in on the freighter to investigate the emergency alarms that were set off. Immediately they suspect that they’re dealing with pirates and do the only rational thing possible.

Milobar: Prepare to fire! Now cut to an external shot where they do nothing for thirty seconds.

Donkey: Um, alright. Apparently preparing to fire is about a ten minute process. The pirates blast off and attempt to make the ultimate getaway by playing a game of ‘space chicken’ with the battleship. As the two ships fly at one another, one of the soldiers on the battleship is counting down the seconds remaining until impact, and finally the commander orders that they take evasive action at the two second mark. Of course, some of the most astute viewers of this film probably noticed this for themselves, but IT TAKES MORE THAN TWO SECONDS JUST TO SAY THAT ORDER OUT LOUD, LET ALONE EXECUTE IT. But regardless, they somehow manage to get out of the way in time. Everything seems to be clear sailing from that point, so Jason calmly orders Anjelica Huston to initiate evasive tactics and seems to be visualizing the extremely satisfying shit he’s about to take. BUT WAIT!

Milobar: “I think they found us!” Really? No shit, you just flew past them! THEY’RE RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND YOU! And as a last ditch effort to get away, the ship breaks into three parts.

Donkey: That was done quite nonchalantly. Say, what do you say we ditch two thirds of the fucking ship? Boy, by any measure of reason, that should have drastic consequences and not be done without careful consideration. But I’m feeling pretty gregarious, so sure, why not? And of course, it works perfectly and they get away! YAY! Tuna salad sandwiches for all! No, not really. It doesn’t work at all. The battleship is unwavering as it follows, attempting to sodomize the pirates’ craft with laser fire. Realizing that their gambit was about as successful as this movie was at the box office, Jason and Roscoe dash for a control panel and start applying countermeasures to hold off the battleship’s incessant attack. What do their countermeasures consist of, you ask? Well since you’re so goddamn nosy, I’ll tell you. Roscoe sits at a control panel and plays what is basically a bastardized version of Space Invaders, where instead of hordes of aliens, he’s trying to shoot the laser fire as it comes streaming down at the ship. All the while, Jason is standing over his shoulder behaving like your mother did when she tried to take some interest in the videogames that you played when you were a kid, pointing and yelling at him to SHOOT THAT ONE! NO, THAT ONE! And as is always the case when you have a nagging, judgemental distraction hovering over your shoulder, Roscoe ends up failing miserably. The moment that this videogame declares “contest over”, a hole is blasted into the side of the pirates’ ship and soldiers begin swarming in.

Milobar: They rescue the princess and arrest everyone on the ship. Before being taken away, this dude declares that killing Jason and Roscoe’s gang would be too easy. He has something better in mind for them. Who the fuck is this guy?

Donkey: He’s a dude named Zorn, but I prefer to call him by his pet name, the High Chancellor of Balls in Your Mouth. Moments later we see Jason and Roscoe in the holding cells of some kind of prisoner transport, cramped in with a bunch of other greasy thugs, including this bearded chap named Killjoy that explains to them that they have all been sentenced to castration. It makes for great dinner conversation while they all enjoy the meal that has been lazily distributed to them.

Milobar: The thing is, a eunuch was walking around, pouring soup haphazardly into the bowls being held in the outstretched hands of the inmates as he passed. But soup is made primarily out of WATER. That seems like a terribly expensive thing to be feeding prisoners.

Donkey: Yeah, that seems like it would be a delicacy. If anything, I would have thought that they would have been passing out stale bread or some shit. But then, that goes back to how poorly planned this movie’s entire story is. If you have no water, you can’t grow any food. So there shouldn’t be anything to eat at all.

Milobar: Suddenly the prisoners all gather in awe as they approach Mithra, the water planet!

Donkey: Water planet? So this planet, where the Templars come from, is the only source of water in the galaxy. See, that’s fucking insane. If this entire galaxy was without water, and there was one single planet that they used as the source of all their water, that fucking planet would not have water for very long. No fucking water source is infinite, so this is basic supply and demand. A single planet, or even a solar system is one thing, but if an entire galaxy needs water, they’re going to suck that one fucking planet dry real fucking fast.

As their holding cages are unloaded from the ship and carried across a hangar, our heroes catch sight of the princess and her maid walking with Zorn as they pass by. Just then some random fucking dude explains that she’s the daughter of a king/famous explorer who has been missing for three months, after setting out in search of the famed ‘Seventh World’. But little does the princess know, her father was actually killed by the Templars.

Milobar: Thank you, white Candyman. Thank you for explaining everything about the plot of this movie in the span of one minute and thirty seconds. They’re unloaded in what looks like a Crayon producing factory, but is supposed to be the neutering facility, and strapped to a conveyor belt that is slowly taking them to their doom. But first they pass by a couple of dudes using hedge trimmers to make it appear like they’re cutting off everyone’s clothes.

Donkey: There’s absolutely no way that anyone could be good enough with one of those fucking hedge trimmers to cut through their clothes and only their clothes as they pass by on a goddamn conveyor belt. They’re not wearing fucking used tires. The next group of people they pass by lather them up so they can apparently be shaved. What? Why the fuck would you bother shaving them, especially at this point? Can’t that wait until later?

Milobar: There’s nothing quite like a sweet, industrial strength shave.

Donkey: They continue on to the next group, the actual shavers, consisting of an old dude that’s shaking so badly that it appears that he’s the poster child for Parkinson’s disease (which is exactly whom you want coming at you with a straight razor) and another man whom looks like an offensively stereotypical 80′s caricature of a gay man. How fucking random. Moments later, they reach the end of the line and come face to face with a ball-hungry chomping metal jaw. Wait…let’s look at that for a moment in summation. So this castration machine is a conveyor belt at the end of which there is a giant metal jaw that’s supposed to bite their balls off. That’s it? That’s the fucking DUMBEST WAY to carry out castrations that I could possibly think of.

Milobar: That’s a castration machine? I thought it was just supposed to be a metaphor for Robert Urich’s career.

Donkey: But just as the machine is about to feast on their nads, it pulls away and they find themselves still in possession of rather tiny balls. It turns out that the princess has made arrangements to save them. Why? I’m not really sure. She met them for all of seven seconds when they were trying to kidnap her. You wouldn’t think that would be long enough to make an impression, let alone a good one. Regardless, she’s arranged for them to be spared and taken into her employment, providing that they pretend that they’re eunuchs. Jason and Roscoe oblige by talking in really high voices. HILARIOUS!

Milobar: I don’t understand how castration is supposed to somehow make them obedient, robot-esque servants. Fuck, why would you even want a human servant that acts like a robot when you are surrounded by servants that actually are robots? Now that the maid has explained the situation to our boys, we move on to a party scene, featuring ‘future dancing’ and fashion that appears to be a combination of turbans and spandex leotards. ‘Future dancing’ sure is radical, it’s a combination of the dumbest shit you can imagine and apparently the Macarena.

Donkey: But crazy, dysfunctional dancing and fashion that can only be described as a schizophrenic’s miscarriage aren’t the only highlights of this party. A group of people are putting stethoscopes connected to car batteries to their temples and running an electric current into their heads, which is apparently some kind of space drug. And I can surmise this from the fact that they’re quite literally getting high, floating up to the goddamn ceiling. That’s goddamn ridiculous.

Jason and Roscoe, fulfilling the obligations of slavery, work Princess Karina’s party as servers, and eventually discover that Killjoy, the same bearded dude from the holding cells on the transport, is hanging around in a suit of armor in a room with a group of robots.

Milobar: Why the fuck does this big dumb guy keep showing up?

Donkey: I have no fucking idea. And why the hell is he hiding here, of all places? But this is just the beginning of the things to come in the next couple of minutes that don’t make any goddamn sense. As soon as they discover Killjoy hanging out with the robots, they are immediately summoned back to the party to speak with Princess Karina. So once again we get a sweet shot of the Solid Bronze Dancers and their dry-heaving lambada.

Milobar: This dancing is just embarrassing. How do you convince people to do this?

Donkey: The Princess explains to her two pirate servants that they’ll be leaving immediately to journey to the Pirate Moon. And just then, Zorn, or the HCOBIYM, asks the Princess to join him for a brief conversation. She hesitates, so for some reason he calls for soldiers to arrest her and the two pirates. Why the fuck is he attempting to have her arrested? Other than perhaps for crimes against fashion, I can’t really think of any possible grounds. But since there are no answers forthcoming, we’ll just move on. Naturally, our heroes bolt out the doors, only to be once again joined by Killjoy. Fuck they just can’t shake this guy. To make a quick getaway, they jump onto a ‘future motorcycle’. As much as I love how much this goddamn motorcycle is just a regular one with shitty sheet metal welded onto it, I’m far more in love with the sound they make as they drive, having totally ripped off the sound effect used for the Lightcycles in Tron.

Milobar: Cue the Benny Hill sketch! Our retarded heroes race off on their space-cycle, dragging Killjoy in his suit of armor along behind them as they’re chased by a future cop car with spikes on the front of it.

Donkey: And of course, for this chase scene they’ve sped up the film speed so that it appears that they’re going really fast, even though they’re just drifting along at the same leisurely pace that a senior citizen’s cart would drift through a shopping mall. Speaking of which, they’re going through a what appears to be some kind of shopping area when suddenly the barrage of tedium gives way to the heartbreaking bizarre, as the pirates’ motorcycle and the cop car that’s following them smash into a family of three robots that are walking through the shopping facility, destroying two of them.

Milobar: Oh. My. God. The one robot left is screaming, “Mommy! Baby! Mommy! Baby!”

Donkey: Fuck that’s disturbing. Jason proves to pilot a motorcycle about as well as a spaceship, as he soon crashes through the front windows of a shop and sends them all sprawling. He and the Princess take off on the motorcycle again while Roscoe and Killjoy end up separated and on foot. As those two are left by the side of the road, wondering how the hell they’re going to get away now that Jason has taken off with the motorcycle, a random robot with a black face comes up and starts talking jive to them.

Milobar: Trying to sell them titties!

Donkey: Wow. The train of cultural sensitivity just keeps on rolling through this movie. That’s some fucking fantastic racism right there. As the movie turns back to Zorn and his soldiers, trying to interview people and figure out where their prey has escaped to, we see that robot still rolling around in the background, crying, “Mommy! Baby!”

Milobar: Just then they turn to see what I think is supposed to be a ship taking off. It turns out to be the Princess and the entire pirate gang making their escape. How did Roscoe and Killjoy meet back up with them on the ship? Ten seconds ago they were with the jive talking robot and now they’re on the ship with everyone else.

Donkey: Now that they’re once again sailing through the cosmos in freedom, Jason and Roscoe are obviously not too receptive to taking orders. But the Princess demands that they still take her to the Pirate Moon, explaining that she intends to use the water onboard to pay for the services of a man named Lanky once they get there. And to make sure that they cooperate, she’s rigged the ship so that if anyone tries to tamper with the water, the ship will self-destruct. How and when did she pull off this hack job? And why would you not just set it up so that it killed the person trying to do the tampering, rather than having the whole ship explode and kill you all?

Milobar: Back in Gaytown, Evil Bad Guy Numbnuts is going through a security checkpoint, where he clambers on to a ‘metal detector of tomorrow’ only to have it go off. He looks at the guard like he’s annoyed, takes out his money purse, and dumps out some coins. Are you fucking kidding me? His entire costume is made out of metal. His fucking change set this thing off? Fuck, a better question: why are they still using gold coins as currency in the future? This movie is so indiscriminately shitty I feel like I need to take a goddamn shower. Zorn then proceeds into an atrium where he finds the leader of the Templars or some shit like that. I don’t even care anymore, this movie makes me want to kill myself. He reports to this old dude that the Princess has escaped on the ship, and that everything is going according to plan. This old bastard that Zorn’s talking to is going to make me puke. Those are some fucked up arthritis hands.

Donkey: Although now that we see him up close, we can see that Zorn is doing his best to keep up on the creepy scale with some fucking over-plucked eyebrows. But with that brief escapade into geriatric hell at an end, the movie turns back to our heroes on their ship. Jason is talking to some dude at the port that they’re heading to, when the camera slowly pans over to what looks like a baked potato on the floor that starts to leak out Vasoline. A few seconds later, a worm-like alien creature bursts out of it.

Milobar: Uh oh. Space herpes!

Donkey: The camera pans up and we see Roscoe is sleeping nearby with his shirt off…

Milobar: …in the ship’s fucking bridge…

Donkey: …with a coat over himself. As he undoubtedly dreams of something that will earn him a little more respect than being in this film, like kicking blind children down a flight of stairs or throwing puppies in front of speeding buses, we see the little alien crawling up on his shoulder. He awakens and reaches back to find the little worm thing, tossing it to the floor as he jumps to his feet in panic.

Milobar: Why is he still wearing that scarf?

Donkey: That’s outstanding. He took his shirt off to get some sleep, but not his ascot? After he and Jason find the creature again only to have it escape, Roscoe mentions that he thinks that it came from this one particular cargo bin. After opening it, they check the manifest and see that it was for…space herpes.

Milobar: Okay, so why would that be on the manifest? Why was there a box containing space herpes in the cargo? Who ordered that? Where were they shipping it to?

Donkey: Someone was actually paying them to transport that?

Milobar: After that random sexually transmitted interlude they finally arrive at the Pirate Moon, which appears to be a shitty town where everyone beats the crap out of each other on a regular basis. As they travel along on one of those carts that they use to shuttle old people around airports, we get to see a variety of the local population including an overabundance of midgets. Fucking space midgets. They ruin everything.

Donkey: You can’t have a Sci-Fi without space midgets. And a fucking cantina, of course, as they soon arrive at a place called the Pirates’ Den where they meet up with Anjelica Huston and Ron Perlman. Wait, how did those two manage to either escape or be released when the pirates where arrested earlier in the film? Fuck, nevermind.

Milobar: I guess when the ship split in to three parts these two geniuses didn’t follow the impressive and proper escape plan alpha, otherwise known as: fly straight forward and hope they don’t catch us. Some black dude is sitting in the cantina with a parrot on his shoulder that has been plucked of all it’s feathers. As PETA’s arch nemesis is about to enjoy a meal of live mice, some other dude comes up and motions over towards our Wonder Group, saying, “It’s the cute one and the nigger”.

Donkey: Realizing that he’s talking TO a black guy at the time, this dude suddenly corrects himself and says, “Oh, I mean the black gentlemen”. Fuck, that’s so random that I’m absolutely stunned. Again with the racism. Sometimes you forget how far we’ve come in the western world until you’re reminded by shit like this. I can’t believe the ridiculous amount of mature content in this movie that otherwise seems like its intended for children.

Milobar: There’s so much shit in this movie that’s goofy, and then there’s some serious fucking shit that’s just completely offensive. It’s like they couldn’t make up their minds what kind of movie they actually wanted to make.

Donkey: Anjelica Huston and Ron Perlman fill Jason and Roscoe in on the current climate of the galaxy, explaining that a bounty has been put on their heads. But Han and Chewy…um, I mean Jason and Roscoe, don’t seem the slightest bit concerned. Anjelica then tells Jason and the Princess that Lanky is hiding out in a place called Sweet Water. When Princess Karina asks Jason where Sweet Water is, he explains that it’s about fifty miles out of town, so they’d need a land craft to get there. And he only knows one person who has one, as he motions over towards a fishman sitting off at another table. Jason goes on to explain this dude works for the city so he can’t be bribed with water, but maybe if the Princess was real nice to him, he’d do them a favor. I believe he’s suggesting that she go blow that fishman.

Milobar: What? Since he works for the city, he can’t be bribed with water? This is the goddamn Pirate Moon. They have a municipal government? That’s it, they’ve finally done it! This movie is so retarded it has officially made me forget how to do long division.

Donkey: Not only that, but a government that can’t be bribed. The fucking government of the Pirate Moon is apparently a beacon of ethics. She goes over to the fishman and it turns out the fishman is actually a fishwoman, who is now looking over to Jason with sexy bedroom fish eyes. Slowly it dawns on Jason that he’ll soon be going down on a carp. But before he does, the Princess finally reveals that the reason that they need to get to this Lanky character is because he apparently knows the whereabouts of her father.

Milobar: Fuck this whole scene. They’re sitting here at this bar, drinking. You know, to distill alcohol, I was under the assumption that you needed water. So if water is your source of income, how much water would you have to pay to get an alcoholic beverage?

Donkey: It’s not only water, but it’s water that’s been processed and turned into something, so you’ve got the extra investment of time and resources. That’s like taking thousand dollar bills and encrusting them with diamonds. That should be a fucking expensive drink. But before this clusterfuck comes to a close the random black guy and his racist companion that we saw taking careful note of this pirate gang earlier come over and ask the Princess if she’d like to dance. Since Jason is over sweet-talking the fishwoman, Anjelica Huston comes to the rescue and tells these chumps to beat it. But of course, random chumps in bars don’t exactly take rejection from any woman very well, so the black leader of the local chapter of the KISS fanclub stands back while his pal, Patty McRacistpants puts on a masterful display of might.

Milobar: Is he just attacking the table?

Donkey: Yep. He manages to cut the wooden table in half with his sword with a mere three swings. That’s sorta-kinda-not-even-close-to-impressive. After a brief and uninspired duel, Anjelica manages to takes this asshole’s head off, and then treats the black KISS fan to the humiliation of having to publicly apologize to the Princess as his featherless bird sinks into an even deeper pit of shame. Slowly the scene fades out and transitions to Jason and the Princess racing across a desert in the fishwoman’s transport.

Milobar: Fuck, now that’s an awesome ‘future car’. Hey, didn’t they say that it was only fifty miles out of town? Couldn’t they have just flown their ship there?

Donkey: You would think. They’re coming up to Sweet Water, which is marked by a sign that says “Population: 1. Trespassers will be violated.” Not killed, or maimed, or even sent away with hurt feelings. Violated. It’s not often that you see people brave enough to come right out and threaten rape on public signs. Kudos.

Milobar: This Lanky guy is so hardcore. He lives in a series of tents that are ripped to shit. Fuck the elements, I sleep on the ground bitch!

Donkey: Yes, this Lanky fellow is living in what appears to be a series of progressively less ripped tents. Awesome. That’s going to provide just the cover you need from those pesky sandstorms. But on the plus side, he does have two baby donkeys (my favorite part of this movie, naturally). Finally they meet up with Lanky, who is shooting at gophers with a slingshot. Not a space-age, ‘future slingshot’. Just a regular old, over-the-counter slingshot that you’d get from Wal-Mart.

Milobar: That’s not just a little crazy.

Donkey: Nope, that’s pretty super fucking crazy. As they press Lanky on the location of the Princess Karina’s missing father, again the conversation goes back to the fabled Seventh World. Lanky explains to them that the last time he had seen her father, he was recounting the tale of how he had found it, only to be ambushed by Templars.

Milobar: So this Seventh World is a water planet. But as you mentioned already, if it’s only one planet with water on it, that water isn’t going to last very long if the whole galaxy needs it.

Donkey: Nope. They’ve just thrown that little detail out there without thinking of the consequences. If your entire galaxy is out of water, then the movie better involve your ass finding an entire galaxy of water, not just a planet. Regardless, as Lanky finishes his tale, he looks off into the distance where he sees a car of hoodlums fast approaching.

Milobar: I love this fucking pirate car. Gigantic ten foot wheels and a massive paper mache skull on the front.

Donkey: A fucking foam skull that is the most ridiculously cartoonish thing they could possibly add. Seriously, somebody thought to add that to their car with a straight face? Is this a goddamn Gwar video? That doesn’t make these assholes intimidating, it makes them a joke.

Milobar: I’m surprised that they don’t have a giant box on top that they kick over so a balloon can inflate into a giant hand that’s giving the devil horns.

Donkey: Correctly figuring that now would be a good time to get the hell out of Dodge, Jason and the Princess round up Lanky and make a run for the fishwoman’s car. But before they can reach it, these Asspirates of the Caribbean Sands fire their laser cannon and send the woman and her vehicle back up to that great fishmarket in the sky in a grand explosion. Goddamn, I just can’t take this seriously. This fucking vehicle is like a goddamn six year old’s idea of bad ass.

Milobar: If they just stopped the vehicle and the eighteen dudes riding on top of it got out, they could kill these three idiots in about fifteen seconds.

Donkey: The Thunderdome Rejects then fire on our three heroes as they run, searching for an alternate means of escape. And as laser blasts are raining in around them, all of Lankey’s tents are going up in massive explosions. Come on. Laser or not, in order for something to explode like that, you need some kind of goddamn flammable accelerant. So what the fuck does he have in those goddamn tents? Oily rags and kindling? Our three protagonists eventually loop back around and jump in a vehicle that I could swear is the fishlady’s.

Milobar: Wait, didn’t these bounty hunters just blow that thing up a minute ago?

Donkey: I could have swore that was the case myself, and I don’t know what other vehicle this could possibly be. I guess the fishwoman was highly flammable and her car was a fire retardant. They race away with their aggressors in steady pursuit. As the villains pull up close behind them, one of the bounty hunters jumps down onto the heroes’ craft. After grappling rather poorly for a few moments with this Mad Max motherfucker, he and Jason both tumble overboard. Naturally, Jason manages to grab some cable that is inexplicably hanging off the back of their vehicle. Goddamn it. Sand or not, do you know how badly his junk would be destroyed by being dragged behind a vehicle on his stomach?

Milobar: What junk?

Donkey: Jason lets go of the rope and as the bounty hunters’ Styrofoam-skulled monstrosity passes, he grabs part of its tire and does a ridiculous flip into the air. Most people would have their arms ripped squarely out of their sockets, but Frillypants McCracken here manages to somehow toss himself into the air and land squarely on top of the vehicle, where he immediately begins pushing off all the bounty hunters from behind. Once it is down to just him and the leader of this gang of chumguzzlers, Jason leaps off the vehicle to safety just before it runs into what I can only guess are oil drums and explodes. Of course, him leaping to safety from this speeding embarrassment without so much as a scratch just begs the question, why don’t all the others that he booted off the thing moments ago just gather themselves up, march over, and kill him? After all, he kicked the rest of them off as this thing was traveling at the exact same speed, so if he’s okay, shouldn’t they be as well?

Milobar: Jason returns to his two companions to find that Lanky is dying. Let’s get you out of here…HGGGGNNNNN!!! *poop*

Donkey: After Jason attempts to reef the mothefucker up off the ground, Princess Karina tells him that Lanky’s back is broken. Whoops. Thanks for making him a quadriplegic, asshole.

Milobar: Obviously concerned about this guy who might sorta, kinda, almost be his friend, Jason asks Lanky if there’s anything he can do for him. What can you do for me? Let me ask you son, have you ever heard of a ‘Rusty Trombone’ or a ‘Dutch Rudder’?

Donkey: So now that Lanky is dead, with two baby donkeys and pigs in tow, Jason and the Princess simply walk all the way back to their ship. And moments later we see them back onboard with the rest of the crew with nary even a parched throat.

Milobar: Why does Roscoe have an admiral’s jacket on? And why is that robot playing with his robopenis?

Donkey: Even better than his metalicock: the robot is playing with the one screw that apparently holds its entire body together, as once the robot unscrews it, it falls completely apart. Wow. I’m sure glad they included that scene.

Milobar: No! That’s a load bearing screw! For fucks sake, as they take off we see that they landed their goddamn space ship in the middle of the desert. Why didn’t they just fly there in the first place? Okay seriously now, why did they take the pigs and the donkey with them?

Donkey: Really, why not? They’re easily the most handsome characters in this goddamn movie. And now that they’re all safely onboard their ship and flying back through the depths of space, they gather to enjoy a grand feast, in celebration of a job not even close to done.

Milobar: There’s robotic hands hanging from the ceiling and sticking out of the walls, helping people lift and pour things. Fuck, the future is so retarded it almost makes me want to fall asleep watching Turtles in Time again.

Donkey: And as Ron Perlman goes to carve the turkey, out pops the space herpe, giving us the Clark W. Griswold moment of the film. Of course, everyone panics as the space herpe once again manages to get away without incident.

Milobar: Everyone is freaking out and screaming, while the donkeys are just stumbling around in the background, embarrassed to be in this scene.

Donkey: As Jason and Roscoe comically stumble their way through an explanation as to why they haven’t told the rest of the crew about their Cosmic STD, I can’t help but notice that Jason’s got his shirt tied up in the gayest way that I’ve seen outside of a pride parade. What is that?

Milobar: He’s definitely a pirate! Now Jason, Roscoe, and the Princess are exploring the surface of some planet. I forget…why are they here?

Donkey: Fuck, I wasn’t listening. I think the Lanky told them that her father was being held here, but I really couldn’t care less. That’s the great thing about shitty movies. If you paid really, really close attention, you could probably figure everything out. Save for some Asylum movies, of course. But they’re just not worth that kind of effort. No matter how much you pan this river of obscurity in search of gold, all you’re ever going to find is nuggets of turd.

Milobar: It’s painful trying to pay attention to this shit. Like why are there Amazonian women riding around on unicorns on this fucking sulphur planet. This shit is insane.

Donkey: Just when I thought this movie couldn’t get any more ridiculous, they pull this rabbit out of their hat and slap me across the face with it. As these women materialize out of the fog, Jason, the Princess, and Roscoe attempt to defend themselves from their attack. But as one of the women rides by, she whips Jason around the throat and drags him behind her fucking unicorn as she races off.

Milobar: Another one of them does the same to the Princess.

Donkey: I don’t think these people quite understand how much it hurts to be whipped in the first place. I can’t be sure, but I would guess that it’s somewhere between taking a dodgeball to the groin and being burned at the stake, not on par with a light slap to the back of the head as the movie seems to be suggesting. But to then have a fucking horse drag you by the throat after that? And they don’t have so much as a mark on their neck afterwards? I’m going to need a whole box of Kleenex to mop the explosion of awesomeness that just hit me in the face. And for some reason, the women see fit to leave Roscoe behind, unscathed. That seems like an odd choice.

Moments later, Jason and the Princess are brought before Bruce Vilanch, who’s playing the flamboyant overlord of these amazons. The Princess demands to see her father and Bruce responds with babbling nonsense before ordering one of his freaky, mannish women to kill Jason. But as she stops flexing long enough to move in to land the killing blow, Roscoe swings down on a rope and, like the proverbial black bowling ball smashing into a bunch of the white pins, knocks Bruce Vilanch and several women to the ground. A struggle quickly ensues, as three or four women instantly pounce on the three heroes. Oh, and Bruce Vilanch’s head falls off. Apparently he’s a robot or some shit. Who could have guessed? Ted McGinley, that’s who.

Milobar: This is the most awkward fight scene I’ve ever witnessed, with this guy rolling around on the floor.

Donkey: Princess Karina manages to wrestle her way free and put a gun to Bruce’s disembodied head, demanding that everyone stop their playtime antics this instant. Eventually Jason gets up in agreement. Alright girls, better back off. I’ve got space herpes. And now that they’ve got everyone safely subdued, our three heroes move to extract the information they want from Bruce Vilanch. As Roscoe holds the severed head, Bruce mocks them, demanding to know what they’re going to do. In response, Jason puts a feather under his nose, which somehow manages to make Bruce relinquish the location of Princess Karina’s father in exactly four seconds, after only a single sneeze. Isn’t this guy a robot? Would that not be why they’re able to hold his fucking head in their hands? Why the fuck would he be ticklish, let alone to such an extreme that he caves within seconds? Fuck you, Ice Pirates. Now that they’ve been pointed in the direction of the father of the Princess, they race off to discover him alone in a room, only to discover that they’ve come face to face with another robot.

Milobar: Not just any robot. An Omega Robot.

Donkey: Suddenly the movie cuts and they are once again back on their ship. The Princess is still pouting, moaning some shit about, “How could I have thought that thing was my father?” Well, it was a robot that looked exactly like your father. That’s kind of the point, don’t you think? You’re not very bright, are you? While she’s carrying on about this, Roscoe is examining the inside of some robot, looking for stored information. Is that the body of the robot that looked like her father? Or of Bruce Vilanch? We have no fucking idea, but a few seconds later Roscoe says that he found something about a ring, and Princess Karina demands that the disembodied head of Bruce Vilanch tells her where it is. Turns out, it’s in his head. Awesome.

Milobar: So he coughed up this ring that he was hiding in the back of his throat?

Donkey: Yep. And once Bruce spits up her father’s ring, Jason asks what else he’s got in there. Bruce Vilanch says, “Nothing. Care to make a deposit?” Ah, not very subtle gay innuendo. Enjoy, kids.

Milobar: She gets her father’s ring, combines it with her own, blows on it, it starts spinning and then somehow it produces this fucking recorded holographic message?

Donkey: That’s pretty fucking random. So when the dude who wrote this movie sat back and tried to come up with a way to rip off the message that Princess Leia’s left hidden inside a robot for Obi Wan Kenobi, the best he could come up with was a couple of fucking rings? That guy deserves a Lifetime Achievement award in the illustrious category of COMPLETE WASTE THEREOF. I’d love to know how fucking rings are supposed to encode a message, let alone play it back. But again, I just can’t bring myself to care. The recording of her father tells the Princess his coordinates on the Seventh Planet at the center of the galaxy, that she must come there, and that she can’t deviate from a specific path in the slightest or she’d be lost in time forever. How the fuck did he find this place then? If there was no trial and error allowed, how did he manage to be that precise? Fuck it. Set a course for the Seventh Planet!

After deciding to make the harrowing journey, the rest of the crew disbands, leaving Roscoe and Jason alone on the ship’s bridge. Roscoe takes the opportunity to show off his handiwork, having just rebuilt Beauford, the midget robot that has been the only competent one in the film so far. Roscoe explains that he has managed to make him .01 milliseconds faster than the finest Omega Robot ever built. What? Really? This guy is better than the galaxy’s finest engineers?

Milobar: And .01 milliseconds is such a minuscule timeframe that it’s basically not measurable. That’s not really enough of an advantage that it’s worth bragging about.

Donkey: Before leaving, Jason notices that Roscoe painted the robot black and asks why. Roscoe responds that he wanted to make him perfect. Why the fuck would you even notice the color of the robot?

Milobar: The movie cuts to a short time later and we see that once again Jason’s got his shirt tied up in the gayest possible way.

Donkey: Jason arrives at Princess Karina’s room looking sexy as hell, to discover that she has just finished getting a massage from her robot butler. She comments to Jason that she might have overworked the butler, to which Jason responds, “well, there’s a lot of body to rub.” Smooth, cowboy. Isn’t that basically calling her fat? You might want to think before you let garbage like that fly out of your mouth, or you’ll be looking forward to another night of crying and fucking your pillow while she’s wiping fishbones and used diapers off her face.

Milobar: This is another one of my favorite parts of the movie. After some pathetic flirting, it’s clear that Jason and the Princess are about to get it on, and of course there’s a giant TV screen next to her bed. So they put on a tape called Passionate Storm or some shit, which basically shows a massive rainstorm in the middle of the ocean on the giant screen right beside them. It’s supposed to be all sexy, so they start making out. But then something starts spraying them with water like they’re part of the video. Seriously, in a galaxy where water is the most valuable resource, who would waste it on something as extravagant as spraying it on you while you’re having sex?

Donkey: I would criticize, but I love to be sprayed in gold and diamonds, myself. The Princess, helping Jason disrobe, reaches down and says, “You feel so stiff…your belt, I mean.” What? Really? Ah, horribly transparent sexual suggestion. Enjoy, kids.

Milobar: Pour on the water!

Donkey: I think these two might have a watersports fetish. She says to him, “Shouldn’t you be at the controls?” To which he replies, “If you insist.” And then he appears to go down on her. Fuck, again, who the fuck is this movie targeted at? But once this opulent and far too lengthy scene of bumping handsomes is complete, our team suddenly notices that they’ve got a ship on their tail that’s moving five times faster than any ship they’ve ever seen. This is, of course, because they’re entering the Time Field.

Milobar: But if they’re speeding up, that means you’re speeding up too. So they shouldn’t be gaining on you. Alright THIS is my absolute favorite part of the movie: they’re entering the Time Field. That crazy Benny Hill sketch bullshit is about to start up again. The Templars’ battleship eventually catches up and boards the pirates’ ship. Jason’s crew starts running around and fighting robots and guys in chainmail, as they all get older at a ridiculous rate.

Donkey: At this point, they mention that they’re aging at a rate of a day per every half an hour, but that it’s getting exponentially worse. And to show that time is passing at an incredible rate, they keep speeding up the film randomly so that they appear to almost warp from one point to another.

Milobar: These stupid goddamn pirates keep stopping and having goddamn conversations in the middle of a goddamn attack. How are you doing? Not bad, how about you? Fuck, you’re fighting for your very lives!

Donkey: A life or death struggle is no reason to interrupt some good, civilized discourse. Rules of engagement must give way to the rules of etiquette. As time continues to pass at an exponential rate, our heroes start growing beards. Of course.

Milobar: And the Princess has to go to the washroom because she’s pregnant.

Donkey: As the pirates and their robots continue to fight the horde of Templar soldiers, one of their robots is too scared to go into battle. It’s a fucking robot. I know I’ve brought this up already, but fuck me, why would you program it to be afraid of anything? After much prompting, the robot expels a bunch of oil and random nuts and bolts, which is supposed to be it shitting itself, before it finally goes into the fight. Fuck, that’s just stupid.

After being notified moments later by Bruce Vilanch that he needs to go see the Princess, Jason wanders away from the ongoing battle and ends up taking an epic journey. First he ends up passing by the donkeys and pigs, which are now full grown. He then comes across Princess Karina’s robot butler, which has managed to capture and kill the space herpe. Okay, I guess that was important to see at this point, in case maybe one of the dozens of people who have seen this movie is actually concerned about continuity and tying up loose ends (although that’s presuming that trying to account for continuity in the plot up to this point hasn’t already driven that person thoroughly insane, of course). Finally, he makes it back to the Princess and discovers that she has just rocketed his screaming infant son out of her crotch. In all seriousness, this moment actually seems very true to real life to me. Upon seeing that they’ve had a child, it’s clear that he’s not very happy about it. She’s not very happy about it. Fuck, NOBODY is happy about it. And that, kids, is how most of you come into the world.

Milobar: And then he denies that it’s his and walks away while the Princess watches him leave with hatred filling her eyes.

Donkey: That was the most realistic thirty seconds of this entire film, or possibly any film I’ve ever seen for that matter. For God’s sake. A short time later, the movie returns to the princess and her hellspawn. The Princess tells her son, who is now old enough to be running around on his own, not to bother nanny. The camera then pans over and we see that nanny is a fucking decomposed skeleton sitting in a chair. Goddamn. I can’t handle this continual swing back and forth between the insultingly childish to the offensively mature. And as a brief aside, are you trying to tell me that the old woman who was acting as Princess Karina’s maid was actually named “Nanny”? Really?

Milobar: Now the movie turns back to the crew of pirates who are still fighting the Templar soldiers. Their hair is white, their beards are white. They’re crouching over like decrepit old men. And somehow they’re all overweight. How can they have gained weight when they haven’t eaten anything?

Donkey: And now it’s the beginning of the end. First Ron Perlman drops dead from a heart attack.

Milobar: This is so ridiculous.

Donkey: This is fucking idiotic. Next Killjoy gets stabbed in the back because he’s too old to react.

Milobar: More robots burst in through another wall and Zorn finally shows up, all old and decrepit too. And Roscoe’s got a ridiculously huge afro.

Donkey: Just as everything looks like it’s about to end in The Big Sleep for all of our beloved heroes, Jason’s son bursts onto the scene as a full grown man, looking EXACTLY like Jason. Robert Urich really stretched himself here, playing his own son.

Milobar: He looks so much like his dad that he even ties his shirt in the exact same gay manner. And then the scene starts flickering and they’re all on the bridge of the ship again.

Donkey: And just as we wonder where the fuck they’re possibly going with all this crazy bullshit, they travel back to the exact moment that they entered the Time Field. So everything is magically back to the way it was before. FUCK. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! They pulled a Mortal Kombat: Annihilation?

Milobar: They take a moment to explain that the other ship was one degree off the course when they entered the time field, so they’re lost in the time field forever. WE MADE IT! WE’VE REACHED THE SEVENTH PLANET!

Donkey: Which seems to look a lot like Earth. It would be awesome if this movie went on for another half hour or so and showed them landing on that planet in the year 1984.

Milobar: And freeze frame! End of movie!

Donkey: That’s fucking it?!

Milobar: So they made it to the planet and sure, they’ve got this wealth of water now, but look at how insanely hard it was to get there in the first place. How the fuck are they going to get back out and transport that water back and forth? As we know, if they’re off by so much as a degree, they’re lost forever.

Donkey: And as the credits roll, they show freeze frame shots of the movie, like a fucking TV show in the 70′s. I feel like I’m watching the end of CHiPs.

Milobar: Fuck, this is such an amazing movie. I can’t believe I don’t watch it every day.

Donkey: I think I’ll be sending it back into the recesses of my brain now, for the sake of my tender grasp on reality.

The Verdict:

Milobar: Much like a giant coiling steamer, this shit hurts so good. Robots, Spaceships, Pirates, Princesses, Eunuchs? Watching this movie was like peering inside the brain of a recording executive as he tries to imagine exactly how Bittorrent works. The overall premise of this movie makes sense in theory, after all lack of water is a major concern in the developing nations of Earth right now. Of course, their concerns have more to do with free access to CLEAN water, not a mysterious disappearance of every available source. The idea that a civilization in the future has developed laser based weapons, functioning battle robots, and interstellar space travel, but has yet to uncover the ability to purify waste water is ludicrous. We do that shit right now for fucks sake. Oh well, what can you really expect from a bunch of rubberheads running around in chainmail? As a sign that I am getting soft in my old age, and as a concession to everyone I’ve met in recent years who have actually seen this movie, I hereby give The Ice Pirates one Robert Urich out of one Ron Perlman. May they find happiness in each other’s arms.

Donkey: This movie locks you in its handsome, steeled gaze, hoping that you won’t look down and see its shirt tied up inappropriately or the festering rot that’s destroying its withered love pump. The ending of this movie alone could be studied and marveled at for years to come. They enter a Time Field that causes their bodies to age, but their perception of the time that passes isn’t altered (the exact opposite of the widely accepted belief that time is relative). They somehow manage to warp back to a moment in time, somehow reversing the aging that has taken place and even nullifying the fact that most of them had died. And the movie literally ends the moment that they even catch so much as their first glance at their destination. That’s fucking genius. And to top it off, this movie has donkeys. Do you have any idea how rare that is? I therefore give it five cosmic STDs out of five.

What We Learned:

Milobar: Just like the real Herpes, everyone freaks out and runs around screaming the first couple of times they see The Space Herpes, but after a while no one remembers or seems to care that it is running rampant in the bowels of your leaky vessel.

Donkey: Watching this movie again has reminded me that memories can be strange things, and dredging them up can be a lot like hoping to resurrect loved ones by burying them in a pet cemetery. So remembah, sometimes dead is beddah! Oh yeah, and even though time is relative, it still has a definite effect on the state of matter and the rate of its decay. So if ever you’re standing next to someone who wants to play a little prank and wind a clock ahead, punch that asshole square in the face before that little prank causes your body to rapidly age.

Don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Humanity’s last great stand against the onslaught of engineered soldiers specializing in low production values in…UNIVERSAL SOLDIERS.

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