The Complete Movie List

I Come In Peace

For some reason I’m getting eerie flashbacks of the time I made my He-Man doll battle my Faker doll.

They Live

Sure, but do they love?

Tango & Cash

It’s like the Thelma & Louise of man movies, provided that Thelma and Louise were actually gay.

Best Of The Best

I’m pretty sure that The Best Of Absolutely Nothing would be a far more accurate title.

Hard Ticket To Hawaii

I’ve got two tickets to paradise…called testicular cancer.

Darkman

He’s a man of many faces. Too bad entertaining isn’t one of them.

Double Impact

I’ve got a fever. And the only prescription…is more JCVD.

Stone Cold

The title of this film doesn’t describe any aspect of the plot, but rather Brian Bosworth’s career.

Alien Apocalypse

One of the world’s most tragic mistakes: the TV movie.

0 Stars

The Running Man

A jogging enthusiast’s worst nightmare. And no, we’re not referring to a pair of shorts that actually cover your balls.

Troll II

I laughed so hard that Diet Coke sprayed out my nose, and I haven’t drank Diet Coke in six years.

Death Racers

Watching elderly people race for the Early Bird breakfast buffet is more riveting than this incredible pile of garbage.

Super Mario Bros

It’s-a me, Mario! I’m-a here to take a dump on-a yo chest!

The American Ninja Quintilogy

A truly epic five part journey into madness that few will survive. Proceed with caution and adult diapers.

Nightbreed

For anyone who felt that Monster Squad was too much of a thinking movie, there’s Nightbreed.

Masters Of The Universe

Over ninety minutes of praying that Dolph Lundgren will put some goddamn pants on.

Timecop

Like a regular cop, only he fixes watches.

Evil Behind You

There’s evil behind you. Painfully boring evil.

Over The Top

This should have been called Over The Shark, as in this movie jumped it.

Fist Of The North Star

Hey kids, do you like exploding heads? Well, you probably still won’t like this movie.

Street Racer

Street Racer? More like Shit Racer! Am I right? Anyone?

Total Recall

I’ll see you at the party, Richter! Right next to the freaky midget in the dude’s stomach and the chick with three boobs!

Cool As Ice

If you’re going to end a career, might as well take a lot of people with you.

The Apocalypse

Seriously, Christians, you had it coming.

Robot Jox

If you added a giant middle finger to that picture of two unmoving robots, you’d pretty much have it perfect.

Captain America

In case George Bush didn’t make you hate the US enough, let this movie seal the deal.

Double Team

Watch out Guttenberg, it’s Three Men and a Bathtub.

Universal Soldiers

In space, no one can hear you scream. Please, take these people to space. I’m begging you.

The Ice Pirates

Robert Urich takes you on a magic journey through time, space, and herpes.

Alien Vs Hunter

Guys, we’re in the alien ship and that totally sucks.

Gymkata

Possibly one of the greatest of all time. Hail to the king and his pommel horse, baby.

Snakes On A Train

I’M TIRED OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING SHITTY ACTORS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING TRAIN!

Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer

Bad things come in threes, but useless things comes in fours.

Transmorphers

Less, much less, than meets the eye.

Arena

No, really, this movie exists. Trust us.

DOA: Dead Or Alive

TMIS: This Movie Is Shit – The Revenge

Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins

Hold on one second…yep…the adventure’s now over.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles In Time

Zzzzzz…zzzzz…why yes, Bea Arthur, I’d love a hot stone massage…zzzz…

0 Stars

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

Find your Animality! Mine’s a disgruntled chipmunk.

Street Fighter: The Movie

JCVD begins the madness with a flashkick to the balls.

Back To The Main Page.



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Safari hates me

Welcome To Our Nightmare

For the last two years, three brave men have walked the thin line between life and death, sanity and insanity, Black Cherry French Vanilla Pepsi Jazz and Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper.  They have soared with the angels, and huddled below the earth with demons.  They have fought alongside giant robots with hydraulic fists, and driven go-karts in an attempt to learn the ins and outs of back alley illegal street racing.  They have done what you could not, what you would not, do.  They are on a mission, one that will push them to the very limits of their physical, intellectual and emotional endurance.

They watch shitty movies, and now, for the first time, their stories will be recounted here.

Prepare yourself diligently for what is to come, and beware, for here be dragons.