Insert jokes about Arnold winning a recall election here.

Donkey: Strange things happen to people in dreams. Some of us soar like eagles on wings of steel. Some of us relive that moment in our childhood when we got caught in our mother’s high heels and lipstick. Me? I’m usually looking through the eyes of Optimus Prime, battling against an evil horde of iron gorillas riding 1985 Chrysler New Yorkers while firing potato salad canons, side by side with my trusted ally, Conrad Bain. But what would we do if we could implant our own dreams artificially? Who would you be? What would you do? And how badly would the porn industry tank if you could insert realistic dreams of having sex with anyone you want? Those were the questions that came to us as we watched this week’s movie, the classic Arnold Schwarzenegger flick, Total Recall.

And as a brief side note, if I could implant any dream world imaginable directly into my brain, I’d settle for a world where Dean Cain was never born. That motherfucker is hogging up all the handsome.

The Plot:

Donkey: Take the governor of California, make him a common every day schlub, and give him the technology to dream about being a relevant man of action instead of a useless monument to vanity, and what you’ve got is the basic premise of Total Recall. The movie features Arnold Schwarzenegger as everyman Douglas Quaid, who dreams of getting off Earth and joining a mutant rebellion on Mars. Sadly for Arnold, though, he’s being held back by his hot wife, Sharon Stone, whom just wants to sit around and have freaky sex all day. Before you pass judgment, remember that when you’ve taken that many steroids, your balls are likely small enough to make regular sex a more daunting task than weightlifting a small, three bedroom house. But luckily for Arnold, a business exists that can solve all his problems. It’s called Rekall, and it implants memories directly into your brain, giving you the perfect simulation of any experience you’ve ever desired. But once Arnold visits Rekall, things start to go horribly wrong. Is it all a dream, exactly like the one he paid for, or is he really a secret agent capable of saving an entire planet? I don’t want to blow it for you, but if this isn’t a dream then reality is more disappointing than a Kris Kross reunion tour.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: Tonight we’ve got Total Recall…SPECIAL EDITION!

Donkey: Damn straight. The regular edition is for hemophiliacs and communists. So sit tight folks, and get all your supplies from your local “supplements” store ready. You’re going to need to exercise every muscle in your colon to sit through this one.

As the movie opens, we see Arnold and a mystery woman, walking along the sunny shores of Mars. Or at least it would be a shoreline if Mars had any water. Instead it’s just a random mountain in an ocean of dirt.

Blombo: Climbing mountains of Mars just wouldn’t interest me, even if we had the technology to do it.

Donkey: Come on. Look at that scenery. There’s hills of red rock providing a subtle contrast to the valleys of…red rocks. Who wouldn’t want to be out there? Hell, I’m going to run home, pack my Speedo, and build a rocketship out of oil drums, adult diapers, and sly winks. If I’m lucky I’ll be able to take off tomorrow and beat the future crowds.

I think they're taking the Red Planet thing just a little too literally.

Milobar: Arnie and his companion are strolling along a cliff, because that seems pretty safe. And to prove that point, moments later the ground gives way beneath his feet, so he ends up falling and smashing his face on a rock.

Donkey: With the glass visor of his helmet proving to be more fragile than the credibility of the Mormon faith, Arnie’s precious face is exposed to the harsh environment of Club Mars. As he thrashes around, Arnie’s eyes begin bugging out of his head so drastically that they appear they’re mere seconds away from exploding. I imagine this is what it would be like to sit through an entire Nickelback music video. But just as it appears that the movie is going to come to a tragically hilarious end by the two minute mark, and I double check to see if this movie is actually called Total Recall: Whoops, I Spent The Budget On Coke And Nickel Slots, the movie cuts to show Arnold jolting up in bed, shouting his way out of the painful nightmare. But before he can leap out of bed and settle himself down by injecting his shrunken testicles with horse tranquilizers and benchpressing a compact European car, his wife, played by Sharon Stone, sits up to calm him.

Milobar: Does Sharon Stone end up showing her boobs here? I can’t remember.

Blombo: Nah. She made her entire career around dropping the laundry, but she doesn’t do it in this movie. It’s classy Sharon Stone in this one. As Arnold tells his wife that he was dreaming about Mars again, she asks him if “she” was there again, referring to his mystery companion. Why would you tell your wife that, you fucking moron? I’m not married but even I would know better than that.

Please try not to notice that my breasts are bigger than yours.

Donkey: Come on, what possible harm could there be in telling your wife that you’ve been dreaming about banging the same strange woman night after night for an extended period of time? The only way that could be better would be if it were another man. But after a rather forced display of jealous rage, Sharon tries to flee the bed, only to be restrained in Arnie’s meaty grasp.

Milobar: Come on, baby. I’m going to beat the shit out of you like I do with my real wife.

Donkey: As they finish the scene with Arnold trying to put his morning wood to stomach turning use, we transition to him making a laughably predictable breakfast protein shake and watching the news on his TV/wall of the future! The news story is chronicling ongoing civil unrest on Mars, as the military, led by a man named Cohaagen, is battling against of group of rebel mutants. Not the awesome shoot-lasers-out-your-eyes or clawed-Canadian-crankiness kind of mutants, but the freaky, deformed, try-not-to-stare-in-public kind.

Milobar: This news story is ridiculous. Soldiers pin a guy against the wall and shoot him in the chest at point blank range, all within five feet of the camera. Would they really be showing that on TV?

Donkey: Apparently all that ultra-violence is giving Arnie another hard on, as moments later when Sharon Stone joins him for breakfast, he tries convincing her to move to Mars.

Blombo: Move to Mars? After seeing that?

Milobar: Come on. Think about all the great things on Mars.

Donkey: Yeah. There’s hanging out in cold, lifeless buidings, walking around on a cold, lifeless planet…that shit just sells itself. As Arnie pleads his case for purposely moving into an active warzone, he pulls out one of the greatest arguments possible when you essentially have no point: he wants to move to Mars because he feels like he was meant to do more than what he’s doing. He wants to BE SOMEBODY.

Milobar: I want to be the governor of California.

Donkey: I love that complaint whenever I hear it. “I want to be somebody”? What the hell does that even mean? In other words, you’re a narcissists and you want to have some reason for people to know who you are, thinking that will somehow justify your inevitably meaningless existence. Well guess what, Arnie? There are easier ways to do that than fighting in an interplanetary war. Try posting something on YouTube first, preferably in a Tron suit or dancing around with a lightsaber.

Milobar: That’s why I like to punch random children. Every time I do it, I’m making a significant difference in that kid’s life.

Blombo: That kid will never forget you.

Donkey: With breakfast out of the way and Sharon having temporarily talked Arnold out of purchasing a condo on the front lines of the Mars battlefront, the movie turns to his daily commute as he tottles off to work. But as he laments over all the people he could be killing at that very moment, Arnie is presented with an alternate solution to his violent dreams. As he rides the commuter train, he sees an ad for a business called Rekall, which artificially implants memories directly into the brain. Of course, it would be hard to miss the ad on that train, since there are a so many goddamn televisions around him that you’d think it was a mobile Circuit City telelvision department rather than a public method of conveyance. That seems a little excessive to me.

And yet, they still can't seem to find the money for Universal Healthcare in the future.

Milobar: It seems like they’d be stolen pretty quickly, or smashed at the very least.

Donkey: But with his journey at an end, we next see Arnie working at his day job, where is he apparently a manual laborer.

Blombo: Where are his safety goggles and hard hat?

Milobar: He doesn’t need them. He’s badass.

When they want to show that Arnold leads a tedious, meaningless life, they don't fuck around.

Donkey: This peek into his current profession is outstanding. He’s one of about a half dozen guys just jackhammering random rocks in a big fucking hole in the ground. What the hell are they doing? Just digging? Doesn’t a bunch of dudes with jackhammers seem like one of the least efficient ways possible to dig a hole? The only way that could be worse is if they were plugging along with pickaxes. This is supposed to be the future, after all, and we wouldn’t do something that stupid now.

Milobar: They’d use dynamite or a digging machine of some kind.

Donkey: As they toil away at their pointless task, Arnie asks his best friend his opinion on the idea of going to Rekall. His friend advises against it, telling him not to mess with his brain, which is probably one of the only intelligent things said in this movie. Of course moments later we see that Arnie has completely ignored his friend’s sound advice as he goes into Rekall anyway.

Blombo: So construction in the future is done far worse than it is now, but you can change the color of your nails by tapping them with pen, as we see the receptionist doing as Arnie walks into the office of Rekall?

Donkey: Now that’s a future that I want to be a part of. As he checks in for his appointment, the receptionist calls back to a salesmen to let him know that Arnie is there.

Bob, are you in your office today?

Milobar: That’s an awesome videophone.

Blombo: The best part of it is that she uses it to call into the office that’s on the other side of a huge window right next to her. So she could actually see more if she just turned her head than she can on that phone’s display.

Donkey: I’d love to see how that salesman tries to avoid phone calls in that case.

Blombo: Don’t call me now. I’m masturbating.

Donkey: As they sit in his office and discuss options, Arnie insists that he’s only interested in a trip to Mars.

Milobar: It just doesn’t seem to me like a memory implanting business is something that would operate on people off the street. If they can implant memories, then they can put anything in your head. You would think that there would be some serious repercussions to that kind of thing.

Donkey: Yeah, that seems like the kind of thing that you might want to regulate. Maybe even get some Timecops on the case. Still not convinced that this entire procedure is safe, Arnold asks the salesman about all the horror stories that he’s heard. The salesman tries to ease his fears, opting to show him random statistics that he doesn’t explain, yet are supposed to apparently mean something.

Milobar: Check out these arbitrary numbers.

Donkey: Thinking his client is certifiably insane for wanting to go somewhere that’s clearly as exciting as a four night vacation in a Vietnamese tiger cage prison, the salesman tries to spice up the experience by offering him a vacation…”from himself”! Not only can he go to Mars, but he can do it with a predetermined alternate identity.

Blombo: Or I could just rent a movie and save myself a lot of trouble.

Donkey: Arnie immediately passes by the option of “Millionaire Playboy” and “Jackass Austrian Governor of a Major US State” and goes straight for the option of “Secret Agent”. As the salesman proceeds to lay out the exact plot of the events that will follow in the movie, Arnie once again gets a boner at the idea of killing lots of people on flimsy moral grounds while showing his muscles to anyone that will put up with him. So moments later we see that he must have agreed to the procedure, because he’s sitting in some kind of bizarre future chair while being injected with shit.

Milobar: They give him injections with this large gun that makes him cringe like he was just hit by a baseball bat. Why would that have to be so painful? It took a chunk of skin out of his neck, for God’s sake.

Donkey: As he’s strapped to the chair, waiting for the sedatives to kick in, the technician begins asking him about his preferences for his upcoming adventure. Specifically, they ask him about the love interest that will be tugging him along by the balls for the duration of this affair. They start by asking what sex that person should be. He declares that he’s heterosexual.

Don't worry Mr. Quaid. The mannequin will come alive for you alone, leading to a truly hilarious 80's romantic comedy!

Blombo: Hetero? Who are you kidding?

Donkey: Next they show him what are supposed to be types of women to choose from. Sure, why not? I like my women to clearly be mannequins.

Milobar: The technician asks more and more specific questions about what kind of woman Arnie wants this mystery date to be as the sedative begins to kick in. Maybe you should have asked him these questions BEFORE you drugged him up.

Donkey: Quickly! Before you fall asleep, make important decisions!

Milobar: Just before he passes out, Arnie looks up at the monitor that shows the sum total of his selections. It’s the exact picture of the chick in the movie that they show.

Donkey: As the scene fades to black and the procedure theoretically starts, the movie cuts to the salesman back in his office, talking to another perspective client. As he chats with her, you can see the technician and her assistant yelling on his videophone as it rings, trying to get his attention. Once the salesman gets the call and rushes to the operating area, he finds Arnie thrashing around in the chair, exclaiming that they’ve blown his cover, that people will be there any moment to kill them all. The Governator manages to get an arm free and starts strangling anyone he can get his hands on. While he’s busy choking the salesman to death, the technician and her assistant pin down Arnie’s leg and inject it with another dozen or so sedative shots.

Milobar: Why didn’t they just sedate him in the first place?

Donkey: And it’s a little thing, but I can’t help but notice: she repeatedly injects him in the leg with that injection gun, and yet the fluid level in the vial at the top doesn’t go down at all. So what was she pumping into him? Air? Dreams of rainbows and unicorns?

As the head of the third largest economy in the world finally drifts back to sleep, the employees at Rekall begin to argue amongst themselves as to what’s happening and what it means, as he is clearly acting out the part of the role that they set up for him, yet the technician claims that she hasn’t implanted the memories yet. So is he a spy? A raving lunatic? And you have to love how these people kept their cool under pressure. They’re busy either calling one another a “dumb bitch” or giving out a good slapping. You’d think that they would have come across a freak out or two in their line of work and would be prepared for it. Fuck, these people are so professional.

Finally the folks at Rekall decide to throw Arnie in an automated cab called a Johnny Cab, refund his money, and pretend that they’ve never heard of him. He wakes up moments later, wondering where the hell he is as an animatronic cabbie stares back at him with lifeless eyes. What is the point of the Johnny Cab having facial animation if that animation doesn’t match the expression of what it’s saying, let alone any actual human emotion at all?

Can I offer you the Jell-O Pudding Pops? DAWWWWWWWW!!!

Milobar: And how is he awake already? They shot Arnie up with so much sedative that there’s no way he would have woken up. He’d probably be dead.

Blombo: Or at least sleeping for a couple of days, not an hour.

Donkey: Once he reaches his destination, Arnold gets out and is greeted immediately by his BFF/coworker who is accompanied by four other random thugs and asks how his trip to Rekall went. Even though he claims that he can’t remember a thing, they immediately pull Arnie off into a corner, chastise him for “blabbing about Mars”, and try to kill him. But not willing to go gently into that good night, Arnie pulls some fighting moves that wouldn’t even inconvenience someone let alone render them unconscious, and proceeds to kill every last one of them through a combination of neck snapping, pointblank pistol shots to the chest, and unnecessary pectoral flexing.

Milobar: I love how the camera pans up as Arnie stands there looking at the blood on his hands, to a street above him. It’s a fairly busy street with a bunch of pedestrians, and it’s right goddamn there. Nobody noticed all that gunfire?

Donkey: Arnie rushes home and walks in as Sharon is practicing her tennis serve with a holographic trainer, and an exceptionally effeminate looking man at that. After regaling her with the events of his day so far, she tries to convince him that killing a group of dudes was all in his mind, that Rekall had fucked with his head. But Arnie shows her the blood still coating his hands as proof. As he goes to clean up, he commands her not to call anybody. Of course, she’s at their videophone at the time and had Arnie stuck around only a moment longer, he would have seen that she was already in the middle of calling the movie’s, and indeed life’s ultimate badass, Michael Ironside. But it’s a good thing it was Michael that she called, because I think he might actually qualify as nobody.

Don't worry honey, I'll get the phone...JESUS JONES!

As the movie transitions into the washroom where Arnie is washing the blood off of his hands, he stares at himself in the mirror. I’d like to think it’s in retrospect of the horror that he had just experienced, but it’s far more likely that he’s fantasizing about finding a way to make out with his own reflection while Peter Cetera’s The Glory of Love plays in the background. Once he finishes, he walks back out in his apartment to find the lights out and someone in the dark, who has a silhouette that looks an awful lot like his wife’s, shooting at him with a pistol. And even though he’s standing in the very doorway that he was expected to come out of, she still manages to fucking miss him multiple times.

Milobar: That’s why you never give a woman a gun.

Donkey: After a brief display of rolling around on the floor like an elderly hospital patient and finally grabbing his not very mysterious attacker, Arnie turns the lights on to confirm what was painfully obvious to everyone but him: his wife is trying to kill him. As he reels from the news, she proceeds to start kicking his ass the old fashioned way. I love how many times Arnie gets hits in the balls in this movie.

Milobar: Twice in twenty seconds in this scene alone, and yet it doesn’t stop him. You know, when you get hit in the nuts like that, you don’t just keep fighting like a ninja. That shit hurts.

Donkey: No shit. Say what you will about him being able to take one hit, but two direct shots to the nuts like that is going to drop a man.

Milobar: Once he finally disarms Sharon and manages to subdue her, she reveals to Arnold that she isn’t really his wife. He’s been implanted with the memories of their eight year marriage, while they’ve actually been together for a mere six weeks. So did they implant her with memories too? Because it would be pretty hard to keep that eight year back story up with any consistency over an extended period of time.

Donkey: Grappling with a concept that’s too complicated for the one muscle in his body that Arnold didn’t bother to exercise, he decides it’s time to chill. And even thought she just tried to kill him a moment later, Sharon sits down next to him and they share a quiet moment.

Blombo: Let’s have some Orange Pekoe tea.

Milobar: As Sharon tries to keep him distracted, Arnie glances over at a monitor displaying the lobby of his apartment building and sees Michael Ironside and a cadre of men coming to get him. And yet even though he killed his best friend a moment ago without a moment’s hesitation, when he realizes that his wife has betrayed him again and truly wants him dead, he opts to simply knock her out and let her live.

Donkey: Moments after Arnie has made his getaway, Ironballs and his men storm the apartment and find Sharon on the floor. To prove what a manly mannish man he is, Ironballs kicks one of his men away as he tries to help Sharon up. Don’t you dare help a woman up! She’s going to lay there until she gets her lazy ass off the floor herself and makes me a sandwich!

Milobar: He quickly orders his men to pursue Arnie, pausing only long enough to quickly make out with Sharon, whom is apparently his girlfriend. Oh, Michael, that’s gross. You don’t know where her mouth has been.

Right about now, Sharon is wishing she'd waited to find out who was playing Richter BEFORE signing on for this film.

Donkey: Hers?

Milobar: Hey, I know where his has been: nowhere. Because no one would be willing to kiss that shit.

Donkey: Goddamn, I really didn’t need to see Irontaint’s tongue as they lock germ farms. But the movie goes back to Arnold where he see him trying to flee from Irontaint’s men, whom are in hot pursuit, following the signal of the tracking device that they have planted on their prey. The Terminator of State Budgets runs through a hallway with a glass wall that is actually a giant x-ray machine, which reveals to the dozen security guards stationed there that he and his skeleton are carrying a gun. The guards jump up and block him at either end of the machine, but none of them seemed even the slightest bit prepared when he makes a daring getaway by jumping through the glass wall and then simply running past them.

We've got you surrounded! There's no escape! Oh...unless you do that...

Blombo: And they’re still standing there dumbfounded when four more guys come running past with guns, not making a move to stop them.

Milobar: Hang on, I’ve got to go look up, “dude jumps through glass” in the handbook.

Donkey: Arnold finally makes his escape on a commuter train, but not before he stops on an escalator and ducks behind some poor asshole on his way to what is likely a lonely dinner for one. And that dude gets fucked up. As Ironside’s men shoot, he gets hit once, so Arnie says what the hell and uses him as a human shield, where he takes about a dozen more shots and practically gets cut to pieces.

Blombo:And yet none of the bullets go through that guy and hit Arnie.

Donkey: Watching this entire chase and the massive public spectacle that they’re making, I can’t help but wonder why they’re even bothering. If you’ve got a tracking device planted on the guy so you can follow his movements, why would you be chasing him like this? Wouldn’t it be a lot easier to watch and give him a false sense of security, see where he goes, and attack him there?

Blombo: Wait until he checks into a hotel and attack him at night.

Donkey: As they’re getting in their outstanding future car to give chase, his cohort makes a comment about being glad that it wasn’t his girlfriend that was fucking a walking vat of human growth hormones, and Michael Ironside gets pissed off. Apparently he never thought of that. On that note, I’d like to take a moment to explain something to Michael Ironside. You see Mikey, when two adults love each other, or are at least acting out the facade of pretending to love one another while coming to grips with their own denial and self-loathing, they like to express that love physically. Sometimes that means holding hands. Sometimes it means having sex. And sometimes it means taking a dump on your partner’s chest. So what I’m saying is, before you touch Sharon too much, buy some disinfecting wipes.

Blombo: As Ironside and his henchman try to track down Arnie in their car, they get a call from Cohaagen on their mobile videophone. I love watching older movies that predict the future, because we have such better technology here in this room than there is in this movie. My cell phone is a piece of shit and it’s still nicer than anything in this movie.

Milobar: Apparently in the future you can still turn a dial and lose the reception on something, because that’s what Ironside does to get rid of Cohaagen when he starts nagging too much.

Donkey: That’s especially awesome when you remind yourself that this is a videophone, not just an image projected in one direction. So Cohaagen is quite literally watching him reach forward, turn the knob, and fuck up the feed while he blames it on something as fucking retarded as sunspots and then hangs up on the call.

Blombo: It’s even better when the dude behind him is laughing.

Milobar: Why the hell are future cars always so blocky in these movies? There’s eight millions sharp corners on that thing.

Donkey: Apparently the concept of aerodynamics is so 1987. Once Ironscrotum and his sidekick get rid of Cohaagen, they return to their tracking of Arnie and locate his homing beacon at a hotel somewhere in the city.

Blombo: Wow. That’s not Google Maps they’re using.

Donkey: As the movie turns back to Arnold on the run, we see him checking into a hotel room. And there’s nothing like a hotel room with slatted doors so that you can walk by and verify who’s spending a quick twenty minutes with a hooker. As soon as he checks into his suite, Arnie gets a call from a strange dude on the room’s videophone.

Blombo: Is that dude Patrick Duffy?

Donkey: I wish. But then you run the risk of fucking up the entire experience of watching this movie in a theater when it was released, as everyone would be compelled to shout out, “TVs Patrick Duffy!”

Milobar: I don’t even know who that is. This guy is apparently an old friend of Arnie’s from The Agency who tells Arnold to do exactly as he’s told. And the first thing is to take care of the bug that they’ve got implanted inside of him. How? By putting a wet towel on his head, which apparently fucks the tracking device up.

Blombo: So would the tracking device also be that fucked up if it was a rainy day? And wait a minute…how the hell did this dude find Arnold?

Milobar: What good timing!

Donkey: And what a good buddy! They were such good friends in The Agency that Arnie asked this guy to find him and bring him the briefcase if he was ever in trouble, and this guy literally drops it by a pay phone on the street outside the hotel and runs away like he just came from an Expired Chicken buffet. You know, you could stick around a give him a little more help than that. Maybe even just talk to him and tell him more about what’s going on.

Blombo: “Boy, it looks like you’re in trouble. See you later!”

Donkey: But now it’s time for comedic relief. Arnie runs outside to retrieve briefcase left for him, only to have a bag lady pick it up just before he gets there. At first he asks politely, and then he simply pulls the case away from her. She, of course, calls him an asshole. So his natural response is to turn around and give this shitty ethnic bow, making fun of the towel that he has wrapped around his head like a turban. Mmmmm…offensive.

Milobar: Just then Ironside and friend pull up, searching for him as he steps out into the street. There he is, right in front of us!

Donkey: That’s pretty goddamn convenient, considering they aren’t supposed to be able to track him at the moment. But before he can be snatched, shot, or quizzed on his substandard economic policy, Arnie recognizes his assailants and jumps into another Johnny Cab. After a few minutes of wrestling with it’s aggressively docile demeanor, he simply rips the robotic cabbie off of its stand and takes over the conveniently placed manual controls of the car, making a speedy though ham-fisted getaway.

Blombo: That car should be in Back To The Future.

Donkey: Actually, I’d rather they were all driving around in DeLoreans. That would be sweet.

Milobar: It is the car of the future! Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads.

Donkey: Once Arnold has made a successful exodus, he stops the cab at an old cement factory. As the dismembered cabbie asks him for the cash owed for the trip taken, Arnie responds with a pithy quip and walks away. Little does he know that if you don’t pay the fare in a Johnny Cab, the cab tries to run you over. And then explodes. Seriously.

Milobar: Just like a real cabbie.

Donkey: That would have been an outstanding meeting at the assembly plant. “So, team of engineers, if someone skips out on the fare, what should we program the taxis to do?” ” Say…how about we kill them?”

Blombo: “Wouldn’t it be easier to just make sure that they get the person’s Visa number?” “No, don’t be stupid.”

Milobar: That’s pretty much what I’d program it to do.

Donkey: Might as well take it one step further. Not only will it kill you, but it will hunt down and eat your children.

Milobar: Once he finally finds a place to stop and rest, Arnie starts going through the contents of the briefcase. Monopoly money? Old, laminated ID from the 1980′s? What am I supposed to do with any of this stuff? It also has a laptop in it, which when opened starts playing a prerecorded message left by Arnie to himself.

Donkey: As Arnie’s alternate identity gently breaks the news to himself that he’s not him, but himself, we see Ironpants and his comrade still roaming the city in their car when they get a call from one of their associates, who informs them that their monitoring picked up an explosion at the old cement factory. What the fuck were they monitoring? The whole city?

Milobar: We picked up an explosion in the old cement factory, some screaming on the west side, and a really loud fart in Beantown. Which should we check out?

Donkey: As Ironpanties and his men all converge of the cement factory, Arnie learns from the recorded version of himself that he’s actually a secret agent (no shit, huh?) who was working for Cohaagen when he discovered that he was “playing for the wrong team”. I think that means that Arnold has finally come to grips with his homosexuality. But without saying as much, Arnie continues to explain to himself that he has enough information in his head “to fuck Cohaagen good” (in tantric sex positions), but that if he’s listening to this recording, that means Cohaagen got to him first. So wait…if Cohaagen thought he was a traitor and “got to him”, why is he still alive? Why would you give him a new memory and not the gift of two bullets to the head?

But rather than question this blatant hole in the story that he’s telling himself, Arnie instead sits back and follows the directions on how to get the tracking bug out of his head. He reaches into the case and pulls out a device that the recording tells him to shove up his nose, and that it will pull the bug out because it’s self guiding. When he hears the crunch, he’ll know that he’s there. How the fuck is that thing supposed to be self guiding? It just reaches straight up and a claw comes out. That’s not exactly guiding.

Blombo: And why would you have to shove it up there? Couldn’t you just slowly push it into your nose?

Milobar: As Arnie starts to pull it out, the bug starts stretching out his face in ways not possible with human physics. I love how big that fucking thing is. There’s no way that could have been smaller?

Now he understands the pain we felt when we watched Jingle All The Way.

Donkey: Yeah, he’s pulling it out his nose and damn near starting all the way up there next to the brain. You know, that’s bone he’s got to get past. You might be able to tell me that skin could stretch like that, not even the Terminator can stretch bone.

Blombo: Once it’s all the way out, the round casing that it was in pops open to reveal the bug inside. Why is it in a casing? Why not just put the beacon up there?

Milobar: Because then it wouldn’t be so hard to get out.

Donkey: Wouldn’t Arnie just have had constant sinus congestion with that thing up there? Doctor, it’s been two months and I’m still feeling congested. Particularly right in this area of my head, where I feel this hard bulge that’s glowing red and humming.

Blombo: Just as the recording tells him that next step is to get to Mars and check into a certain hotel, Arnie looks up and sees Ironside’s men approaching in the darkness. That’s quite subtle, trying to sneak up with flashlights waving everywhere.

Donkey: He quickly gathers up all his shit and smashes the laptop before running off, leaving it to malfunction in the most improbable way imaginable: repeating the command to go to Mars over and over. As Ironslats and his men finally arrive, they realize that they’ve lost him and wonder where to search next.

Blombo: Shit, where do you think he’s gone?

Milobar: Get your ass to Mars! Get your ass to Mars!

Blombo: Man, I wish this thing would shut up so that I could figure out where he’s going.

Milobar: The movie then turns to a ship landing, and Arnie arriving at the customs desk of Mars in a massive lady costume. It’s the goddamn future, where the fly between planets, and yet they still stamp your passport manually. That’s awesome.

Donkey: Just as the giant, creepy lady is making her way through customs, Ironjunk and his sidekick stalk right past her, having also just arrived on the planet. They discuss the security situation and the continuing fight with the rebels just as the mask portion of Arnie’s disguise starts fucking up after saying its first sentence. How the hell did he manage to travel between planets if he couldn’t answer more than one question? And as Arnie’s disguise begins to malfunction worse and worse, he draws the attention of everyone around him, including Ironjunk. Just then he reaches up and hits a release that starts to unlock the mask from his head. The ear of the mask starts to eject straight out on a metal bar that appears to be at least six inches long.

Oh THAT'S why a tube that long can come out of there...it's a fake head underneath.

Blombo: Wait, where the hell is his head supposed to be if that thing is coming that far out of the side of his mask?

Donkey: As a full contingent of military personnel stand and watch Arnie reveal himself without making a move to arrest him, he finishes the spectacle by throwing his mask at them. As the mask continues to talk to the soldiers, even though it couldn’t get out more than two words a moment ago, it self destructs in an explosion of stupidity. This serves to not only throw the soldiers in every direction and allow Arnie to make a break for it, but it also shatters one of the windows of the dome around them, causing the room to decompress as it’s exposed to the outside climate.

Blombo: And of course, some dude has to press a button to bring down the safety shields that seal off all doors and windows.

Milobar: Naturally they don’t close on their own.

Donkey: Which makes sense, because just adding some type of pressure sensor into the building that would close the safety doors in the case of a massive loss of pressure like that is an unrealistic expectation for the future. And of course, just before the final door seals, Arnie manages to slip under and escape.

I'd be this pissed off if I had been in Captain America too.

Moments later the movie takes a break from the action to bring us a tedious scene where Cohaagen lectures Ironside for being an idiot, and warns him to just do what he’s told or he’ll end up getting his ass erased. Goddamn. Wake me up when the movie gets back to killing people in terrible ways set to a shitty, upbeat soundtrack.

Milobar: You’ll erase my ass? But then how would I shit?

Blombo: Butt plug? Super glue?

Donkey: Things start picking up again soon as we see Arnie checking into the hotel that he told himself to travel to.

Milobar: I’d like a room, please. Here, take my poorly laminated ID card.

Blombo: As he checks into the hotel under the assumed name that he told himself to use, he seems confused, but I’m pretty sure he should know how to check into a hotel. He must have done this at least once before.

Milobar: The clerk at the front desk informs Arnold that he left something in a safety deposit box during his last visit, and asks if he’d like to access that box now. Arnold agrees and discovers that what he had left behind for himself was a flier for a brothel,  with a note on the back telling him to go there and ask for Milena. That’s awesome. That’s exactly what I would keep in my safety deposit box, if I had one. Fliers for hookers, so that one day when I die and someone gets my estate, they’ll look in there a say, “what the fuck?!”

Donkey: As he heads to the brothel to get himself a rusty trombone, he hires a delightful black stereotype named Benny to drive him around in his cab. And just as he’s getting in, there is an explosion that kills dozens of people, men all over the place start unloading automatic assault rifles, and yet everyone around him is acting like this is just an every day thing. You know, if that was a regular occurrence, nobody would be there.

Blombo: Once Benny gets the cab going, he turns a corner and almost runs into a tank-like drilling machine. That massive driller is pretty fucking dangerous to have just driving around like that.

Milobar: Finally they arrive in the poor, mutant district of Mars and find the brothel that the porn flier advertised. Arnie wanders in and once again we visit the majesty of a future bar! He immediately goes to the bartender and asks for Milena, but they attempt to distract him with a woman who has what all men want. Three titties!

Donkey: Seriously, that is such a shitheaded idea.

Right after writing this into the script, the screenwriter giggled for fifteen minutes and then took some time to play with his He-Man dolls.

Blombo: And they look terrible. It would have looked better if they’d just used hers and put a fake one in the middle. But it’s nice to know that there’s still Depeche Mode playing in shitty bars in the future.

Donkey: Not the slightest bit distracted by this display of male idiocy, Arnie insists that he must see Milena. Once their eyes finally meet across the bar, he walks over to her where he is stopped by another mutant, whom we’ll lovingly refer to as Vaginaface. He makes it clear that he’s not happy to see Arnold and his rippling scrotum muscles. Arnie suggests that the freak walk away or end up going sphincter first to Mutant Heaven. I love how he goes from mild mannered, every day chap to threatening to kill people in a bar within a matter of a couple of days.

Milobar: Arnie and Milena end up going to a room, but rather than getting a sweet tug job, she ends up giving him a slap to the face. This just doesn’t seem like it should be a room in a whorehouse though, as once again the doors are perforated so that everyone can see inside the room.

Blombo: I’m surprised that no one’s standing outside, looking in, and masturbating.

Donkey: Now that they’re finally alone and it’s clear that Arnold isn’t going to get his nose pinched while a cucumber gets shoved up his ass, he tries to figure out what his relationship to Milena is. It turns out that they were involved, but she says that despite the note that he left for himself saying that he had switched sides, he was still working for Cohaagen. She makes him sound like quite the dick. And the plot thickens…which means that at this point it’s about as dense as bad breath.

Blombo: If he was such a dick, why did she like him?

Donkey: After that brief exchange, Arnie heads back to his hotel with blue balls and a hankering for tacos, only to be interrupted by a mysterious visitor. It turns out to be a representative from Rekall, the company that Arnie went to for the memory implant. He explains that this is all part of the package that Arnie had chosen, the Secret Agent, remember, but that something was going wrong. He has to come out of the fantasy now or risk having his mind be lost forever. And just to prove that he’s not lying, the mysterious stranger opens the hotel door to reveal Sharon Stone, who has come to reassure Arnold that she really is his wife and that she wants him to come home for more home cooking and yeast infections. The mysterious stranger then makes a lengthy, impassioned speech and demands that Arnie take a pill, which will symbolize his desire to return to reality and break him out of this dream. But when Arnie notices that the dude is sweating, he concludes that he must be lying and shoots the mysterious stranger in the head. What? That’s pretty flimsy logic to kill a man over. He could have just been warm after doing a lot of passionate shouting.

Blombo: So if he thought this guy was lying, Arnie must have thought that this was a trap set up by Cohaagen. But why would anyone bother doing this? If this wasn’t a legitimate attempt to tell him that he was in a dream, what would be the point? If they know where he is precisely enough to send this guy in, why not just send in a squad to capture him? And how does someone read this script and not go cross-eyed?

Donkey: Sharon backs away from Arnie, telling him that he’s really done it now. And then there’s a huge explosion that smashes out a big hole in the wall about five feet behind him, and yet it doesn’t even knock Arnie off of his feet.

Milobar: He just bends over like he’s farting really hard.

Oh boy! I sure hope someone doesn't come throught that wall and sodomize me...Anybody?

Donkey: After being subdued by the wall demolishing squad and kicked in the balls one last time for good measure by Sharon Stone, Arnie gets dragged out of his room and down to a set of elevators. As they stand waiting, the doors to one of the elevators open and Milena steps out while opening fire with a fully automatic weapon. Can anyone tell me how the hell she would even know what was going on up here? What would have happened if a family of four from Iowa had been waiting for the elevator on that floor, getting ready to go search for the closest TGI Friday’s? Who’s the fucking hero then, Milena?

Blombo: With all the men dead, it’s time for Milena and Sharon Stone to engage in a catfight for the ages. And just as Sharon starts to come out on top, Arnie shoots the knife out of her hand with a pistol. As she slowly reaches for another knife, she reassures him that he doesn’t want to hurt her because they’re married. She finally begins her lunge toward him, but he shoots her in the head and quips, “consider that a divorce”. Sweet.

Milobar: That’s my advice to several couples that we know. Just fight it out and whoever gets their hands on the gun first can shoot the other in the head.

Donkey: Moments later, Ironsack and his pal show up and discover Sharon dead. After far too brief a moment of remorse, considering that Ironsack will never find a woman anywhere near that caliber that will ever touch him again, they chase after Arnie and Milena, who eventually make it to the base of the hotel.

Milobar: Of course, Benny just happens to be there again, so they jump in his cab. As they head back to the brothel, he mentions that they’re going in circles. That’s how this movie is making me feel. Like I’m fucking spinning in circles. As they’re racing to the safety of the slums, Ironside and his pal chase behind them in another car. Ironside hangs out the window, shooting a pistol, only to lose it. But he’s got another gun that he pulls out, and this one if fucking massive. Of course, I don’t know why he didn’t use this assault rifle before now.

Just don't knock this gun out of his hands or he'll pull out a Stinger Missile.

Donkey: As they arrive in the slums and close in on Three Titty McGee’s House of Herpes, Benny exclaims that they have no brakes, setting them up for a rather unnecessary crash. No brakes? Why are there no brakes? Other than windows being shot out, the car wasn’t really damaged during the chase. And as they escape the remains of the car on foot, Benny joins them, exclaiming, “now they’re after me!”

Blombo: I don’t think they would have been chasing him. If Benny had just run in the other direction, I’d bet that they wouldn’t have recognized him.

Donkey: Once the three of them finally make it into the brothel, Vaginaface beckons them into a secret passage, which is immediately covered the moment they disappear in its depths. Just then, Ironslacks and a battalion of soldiers show up and demand to know where they’re hiding. Our favorite three-titted hooker tries to distract him, but he is resistant to her pseudocharms and simply shoots her dead. Suddenly all hell breaks loose as both hookers and soldiers begin to fire randomly upon one another. I love how many shots there are of women being randomly killed in this scene.

Blombo: They’re hookers. They don’t count.

Donkey: And to level it out, they start showing soldiers are getting shot in their bulletproof vests and yet still somehow dying. I’m going to guess from a broken heart, or an uncontrollable lust for Tang.

Milobar: As the fighting begins to get really intense, Ironside gets an order from Cohaagen to fall back and leave the area. Once they do, blast doors come down as the area is sealed and the air supply is shut off. The air supply in this case consists of three fans. I’m honestly surprised that they have fans and not just two dudes standing there, blowing air around.

Donkey: As the community of poorly created freaks stops to take note that the stakes in this shitty get of chance have been raised, it moves back to the Three Autistic Amigos as they make their way through catacombs that the secret passage had led them to. They see the bones of what are supposed to be the first settlers of Mars, when Milena makes the comment that these settlers worked while Cohaagen made all the money, then sat back and watched as the cheap domes made all the children into freaks.

Blombo: Cohaagen is that old?

Donkey: Yep. Apparently he took control of Mars when he was twelve.

Milobar: After he built ED209 and left OCP, that is.

Donkey: As they continue to make their way through the tomb, Arnie and Milena stop to try to suck each other’s fillings out. Now seems like a really good time to start smooching. Why not? Suddenly a fake wall opens beside them and they’re greeted by the underground mutant resistence, who have been expecting them. Just once I’d like to see an underground resistence that isn’t quite literally based underground. When they see Benny, who they don’t recognize, they demand to know who he is. Benny soothes them by taking off a fake hand, revealing an insect-like mutant arm, and assuring them that he’s on their side.

Milobar: Your arm’s all fucked up? Okay, you must be trustworthy.

Donkey: Clearly he is. As they’re led inside the secret mutant liar, Arnie is taken aside to meet their reclusive leader, Kuato. He’s taken into a quiet room by an ordinary dude, which seems like the perfect place for a good dose of some date rape. He asks this dude if he’s Kuato, but the dude says no. He then turns away and opens his shirt, gets a look on his face like he’s in the process of finishing an orgasm that’s been building for the last hour, and then turns back to reveal the true Kuato: a fucked up little midget that is embedded in his abdomen. I don’t quite understand how that works in this case. Is that his twin? Did a baby melt to him in a freak microwaving accident? And why does he cum in his pants when he lets the little guy out of his shirt?

I bet he thought his fetish for eating babies would never come back to haunt him.

Blombo: You know, it wouldn’t be any dumber if that thing popped out of his ass.

Donkey: Yeah. And why the fuck is that little guy so slimy? Oh, right…the whole cumming in the pants thing…

Milobar: Kuato and Arnie have an incredibly brief conversation, and then jump right to Arnie taking Kuato’s hands and falling under an insultingly simple hypnotic spell. Open your mind! Open…Your…Mind! And your pants!

Donkey: As Arnie delves into his suppressed memories, his free floating mind wanders back to a secret underground alien machine that Cohaagen and Ironvag found in the bowels of Mars. Though no one knows exactly what it does, they think it might melt the planet’s ice and create air. Enough to actually manufacture an atmosphere. I’m glad that they think that’s all they need to actually create an atmosphere, but apparently this movie dropped out of second grade science class.

Blombo: Melting ice to make create steam, which creates oxygen?

Milobar: And then you get an atmosphere. It’s just that simple. But as they’re discussing the possibilities of the machine, Cohaagen dismisses it, saying that it’s just as likely to be an alien trap. The machinery is fucking huge, and it would have to be to melt the entire ice supply of the planet. So that would be quite the elaborate trap.

Donkey: As Arnie and Kuato come out of their joint trance, Arnie doesn’t notice his slightly stretched anal cavity but instead discovers that the ground is shaking only seconds before Cohaagen’s army comes crashing through a stone wall in the room. Nobody else heard that and thought to come investigate before this point? As Cohaagen’s army begins their systematic extermination of the rebel mutants, Arnie, Milena, Benny, and Kuato run for safety down a hallway that ends in an airlock.

Milobar: No one thinks it’s rather selfish of them that these four people are the only ones who make it out alive?

Donkey: As they try to wiggle themselves into suits and escape out onto the surface, Benny pulls out a gun and puts a couple of new holes in Kuato. Betrayal! Who could have seen that coming?

Moments later, Arnie, Milena, and Kuato’s corpse end up back in Cohaagen’s office, as he examines the body of his elusive nemesis. So this is the dead mutant? He smells terrific. Let’s keep him in my office for not particular reason for a while longer. With his enemy crushed, Cohaagen addresses Arnie and reveals the big surprise. Well, the second biggest surprise, just behind the fact that Arnie’s made it this far into a movie without peforming unnecessary military push-ups. It turns out that Arnie had been dancing along to Cohaagen’s tune the entire time. He had willingly undergone the memory implanting process and engaged in this fake pursuit all for the purposes of flushing out the resistance and getting to Kuato. But, as Cohaagen says, don’t take my word for it…the Reading Rainbow!

Milobar: Levar Burton? Cohaagen puts on a tape featuring the old Arnie corroborating the whole story. Why would they have wasted the time required to make that video, all for the purpose of showing it to the guy whose memory you’re about to erase?

Donkey: Because it’s asstastic. Everyone loves completely pointless gloating. With that revelation out of the way, Arnie and Milena and dragged into a lab and strapped into the memory implanting chairs. Before the process begins, Ironchump asks the technicians if he’ll remember any of this. Isn’t it kind of obvious that he won’t? That is the whole point of this procedure, isn’t it? Hey, if he’s not going to remember anything, I’d like to put my balls in his mouth for a while so that he’ll wake up with my pubes in his teeth and not know why. As Cohaagen leaves them to their fate, but is kind enough to invite them to a party later that night, the memory implanting process finally starts. It goes on for a good thirty seconds until Arnie finally manages to free himself from the chair. Wouldn’t that thirty seconds have been enough to at least do some damage?

Milobar: Once he’s free, Arnie naturally starts battling the technicians.

Donkey: Of course. Because what underpaid lab tech wouldn’t leap at the chance for some hand to hand combat with a walking steroid infomercial when he has no vested interest in doing so? And just as things start heating up, one of the techs pulls out an axe, which is promptly taken away from him by the Governator.

Seriously, Chuck, if we're going to keep an axe in the lab, let's get one that Paul Bunyan would use. What could it hurt?

Milobar: An axe? Why the fuck was there an axe in that room?

Blombo: Put out the fires.

Donkey: Yeah, electrical fires are definitely extinguished best by an axe.

Milobar: As Arnie and Milena end up escaping over the corpses of the techs, I can’t help but think that maybe, like the first time he visited Recall, they should have just sedated Arnie before trying to wipe his memory.

Donkey: As Cohaagen finally gives Ironpuss his official permission to kill Arnie, because his unofficial attempts up to this point have been SO successful that he’s bound to succeed now that he’s played Mother May I, we see that the mutants are struggling to breathe through their ugly, ugly faces. And no one brings this to light quite like Vaginaface, who’s struggling to draw in the necessary fuel to pull his hilarious, trademarked burp-queef.

Just don't piss this guy off when it's that time of the month.

Blombo: My vagina face!

Milobar: Someone put a dick in my vagina face! I can’t breathe!

Donkey: That’s the key to unlocking his psychic powers. If he met a woman with a cock on her face, they would be unstoppable. And as those mutants die slowly, Arnie and Milena escape into a series of underground tunnels. Just as they appear to come to a dead end, lights come on behind them and they see a giant drilling machine moving towards them, piloted by none other than their old friend Benny. So Benny was just hanging out in that thing in the off chance that they should happen to run by?

Blombo: As Benny tries to slowly screw the two of them into the cave wall, Arnold finds a hand drill and punctures the fuel lines feeding the drills on the front of Benny’s tank. Once that happens, Benny curses and throws it in reverse. Yeah, backing up seems like a good idea. Even if those drills aren’t turning, just keep driving forward and crush them.

Milobar: As the machine backs up, Arnie runs to its side and rams the drill through its door, slamming the drill into soft gamy flesh as he yells the classic line, “Benny…screw you!” Once they turn away from their attacker, they see that the wall they were being pushed into has collapsed and revealed a conveniently placed path to the alien oxygen machine. As they run towards it, Arnie mentions the fact that the entire core of the planet is ice.

Donkey: Why not? And if you melted the entire core of a planet, that would have no significant consequences, right? As the two of them approach the machine, we see that Ironchump and another platoon of soldiers are already inside waiting for them. How does a team of twenty five men not kill two people? And yet, somehow you know that they won’t.

Sensing trouble as he approaches, Arnie uses a hologram device that he got at the beginning of the movie to create a hologram of himself that walks right into their midst. The soldiers stand in a circle around the hologram and empty their weapons shooting at it, which should have resulted in almost every single one of them being chopped to confetti.

It's amazing how often physics and other elements of 'science' are brutally raped in a 'science' fiction movie.

Milobar: And yet not one of them dies. They just stand there like idiots while Arnold pops around a corner and takes half of them out with an assault rifle.

Blombo: And then moments later, they can’t be bothered to stay consistent in their own stupidity as Milena uses the hologram to stand between two more soldiers. As they both turn to shoot at her image, they end up shooting each other dead, which was the whole point of the hologram in the first place.

Milobar: And this brings us to the greatest moment in this film.

Donkey: It truly is. As Irontwat realizes that his men are on the business end of a 45 caliber make-over, he tries to escape on a nearby industrial elevator that has no walls. Arnie jumps on after him, of course, and a great battle ensues. It shouldn’t last more than twelve seconds, seeing as Arnie has juiced up so many muscles in his body that his toenails have biceps and Irontwat looks about as capable of fighting as a soggy french fry, but they stretch it out regardless. As the elevator approaches the pinnacle of its ascent, Arnold tosses Irontwat, leaving him hanging over the side of the elevator and clinging on for dear life. Seeing that the elevator is about to go through a tight opening to reach it’s top, Arnie braces Irontwat so that he can’t move. Looking up and realizing his fate, Irontwat lets out a blood curdling scream and waits as the elevator goes through the narrow opening and rips his arms off. He falls to his doom as Arnie is left standing with a pair of severed forearms in his hands. But of course, Arnie can’t let his nemesis die without shouting one of the single greatest lines ever mutter out a semi-human mouth:

Arnold: “See you at the party, Richter!”

Blombo: That just blew my mind. Arnold tosses the disembodied arms aside and realizes that the elevator has brought him right up to the controls of the alien machinery. I don’t understand why didn’t they just trash this machine? If you don’t want anyone turning it on, just destroy it.

Donkey: You would think that would be the best plan. Since the activation panel for this whole thing is a stone with an indentation for an alien and/or human hand. Hell, one of their soldiers could have activated it by accident when they discovered it. So at least pour cement over the handprint console or something.

Blombo: As Arnold approaches the hand activation, flood lights suddenly switch on and he’s greeted by Cohaagen. Why’s he here? What about his party?

Milobar: That is his party. Once Milena shows up a moment later and Cohaagen is disarmed with a couple of gun shots, Arnie looks down and sees another threat. A bomb? Shit. It’s a good thing that I can just pick it up and throw it.

Donkey: Arnold tosses the bomb down what appears to be a ventilation shaft. Moments later it goes off and apparently opens a portal directly to the surface, as the pressure suddenly changes and the three of them have to hang on for dear life as they are sucked towards the shaft. Arnie slowly pulls himself up a rope against the vacuum effect, reaching the point where Cohaagen is clinging on by the activation console. So the old man, who’s been shot several times, is able to hold on in this extreme vacuum? Sure, I’ll buy that.

Milobar: Arnold rips Cohaagen away from his hold, sending him into the tube that ejects into the middle of nowhere on the surface of Mars.

Donkey: Once he lands, Cohaagen begins the stretching muppet transformation that is becoming the signature of being exposed to Mars’ atmosphere. Meanwhile, Arnie finally makes his way to the console and activates the alien machine by placing his hand on it. Arbitrary success! And as the machine begins to fire up, he and Milena lose their grip and end up following Cohaagen out the tube,  landing hard on the surface.

Blombo: So they made that shit in the shape of their handprint, and yet any hand will do?

Donkey: Yep, which just reinforces the fact that they really, really should have had more security around that thing. The next ten minutes of the movie consists of Arnie and Milena trashing around on the red soil of Mars as their faces starting going involuntarily hilarious, while the alien machine slowly goes about the process of melting the ice and creating an atmosphere. Keep in mind that these two assholes get sucked out before the first shreds of ice even begin melting, and yet the entire global process happens in time to save them.

Milobar: And once the process has reached a certain point, they stop asphyxiating and start returning to normal at a rate easily five times faster than they got fucked up in the first place.

Blombo: Their eyes were bugging out of their heads and yet everything goes back to normal as soon as there’s air. I’m sorry, you’re not recovering from that. You’re going to be pretty deformed and fucked up.

Milobar: That’s office hot right there.

Just be sure to tell 'em Large Marge sent you...

Donkey: Once the atmosphere is completely established a mere two minutes later, Arnie and Milena stand and look out at the impossibly pleasant environment before them. Boy that red seemed to go away pretty fast. Finally the two not-quite-lovers embrace and Arnold wonders if this really is a dream. They kiss in a way that makes snaking a toilet seem sexy by comparison, and the movie ends. Was it all a dream? Does anyone care?

Milobar: You know it’s funny because that whole scene of them suffocating is how I feel about watching this movie.

Blombo: This movie makes me feel like Kuato, but with a dude coming out my ass.

Donkey: You’ve got a man in your ass again? Is it Wednesday already?

The Verdict:

Donkey: This movie is an odd combination that makes it hard to classify. On the one hand, it has elements of a truly shitty movie that make it a landmark achievement in the field. It features a line that would make into any Top Ten Shittiest Things to Say After Killing Someone list, acting that could only be matched by a series of marionettes controlled by a puppeteer with Parkinson’s disease, and idiotic moments that cater to the kind of crowd that would find a demolition derby too intellectual. But at the same time, if the movie really is just a fantasy which Arnie paid to have (which it CLEARLY is), then the stupid elements all have an excuse for their existence. And say what we will, the movie is actually a pretty fun and entertainingly mindless action movie. So on the one hand, it has everything we’re looking for, but on the other, misses the mark by actually being somewhat good. Since this is tearing me in more directions than a group of fat men who have been convinced that I’m stuffed with various candies and prizes, I guess I’ll give it three sweater cows out of five shamefully immature wet dreams.

What We Learned:

Donkey: And if you threw a party…invited everyone you knew….you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say…see you at the party, Richter!

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Street racing gets the true representation that it deserves when we look at The Asylum’s…STREET RACER.

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