Too wild? That sounds an awful lot like the tagline to a robo-porn. But then, that would explain the lack of a plot.

Donkey: If movies have taught us anything over time – and if you’ve read the rest of the entries on this site up to this point, you’ll agree that they haven’t – it’s that robots are the future. The painful and unavoidably horrific future. And if you’ve seen modern vibrator technology or wished there was a way to continuously vacuum random tracks into your floor while you weren’t home, you know that our predicted dependence on robots is already well on its way to becoming reality. But with so many movies having given us such drastically different visions of the robopacalypse that’s to come, it’s become hard to see where the actual future lies. Whether it’s a future of battling robots for our very survival in The Terminator or, um, battling robots for our very survival in The Matrix, our choices are endless.

But one movie dares to be different. One movie offers us a daring look into the world of tomorrow, where robots are used for the betterment of humankind. Provided that by ‘betterment’, you actually mean that they will be pointless and inefficient substitutes for diplomacy. Now that’s a future we can all get onboard with.

The Plot:

Donkey: Robot Jox is a tale of the near distant future, detailing the clash of two civilizations. But rather than being political, these clashes just happen to be quite literal and involve giant and excruciatingly slow moving robots, piloted by the heroes of the future, the Robot Jox.

In this movie we follow the path of Achilles, champion of the coalition that very obviously represents the US. After fighting Alexander, his deadly rival representing what is obviously Russia, to a rather unimpressive draw, Achilles decides to leave the sport and return to a life of common squalor. But when his replacement in the upcoming rematch is going to be one of those lesser people that happens to have a vagina, Achilles must decide whether to step in, save the woman he treats like a genetically engineered sperm receptacle, and complete his destiny, or stay home and continue to masturbate to the featured decorative plate collection offered this week on the Home Shopping Network. Either way, we’re all fucked.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: We have a special guest tonight: The man, the legend, the genital infection…Blombo. And he’s just in time for some Robot Jox.

Blombo: You know, I remember everyone seeing this movie when it first came out. I think it came straight to video, but sadly, everyone rented this damn movie and I don’t know why.

Donkey: Actually when I look the movie up in IMDB, I can see that it did actually go to theaters. And rightly so, because I’m not sure how it could possibly go straight to video when it has star power like Gary Graham and Paul Koslo. If those two people that I’ve never heard of can’t put more asses in the seats than expired egg nog, I don’t know who will.

The movie opens to a snow covered hellscape of robot debris as a narrator explaining that fifty years after the future nuclear holocaust, war is outlawed. Because it’s just that fucking easy. The UN couldn’t come to a consensus on whether Bud Lite tastes great or is less filling if the fate of the planet was counting on it, but this movie is suggesting that somehow they’ve managed to agree on and enforce a ban on war? They might as well say that melancholy is a thing of the past as well. But regardless, now that war has gone the way of the Garbage Pail Kids, international disagreements and territorial claims between the two great alliances are decided in arenas using giant machines that punch one another in the balls very softly.

Blombo: Why the hell would you want to win this area of land? It’s covered in dead robots.

Milobar: Apparently they don’t ever bother to clean up the old robots. They just leave them where they fall. You certainly wouldn’t want to recycle or reuse those.

Giant robot: menacing. Giant robot with spikey-ball-hand: indestructible.

Donkey: Hell no. This is the post apocalyptic future. We all know that in the wake of massive nuclear fallout catastrophic enough for war to be outlawed, resources will be plentiful. With that summation on the lack of thought that went into this movie completed, the action finally begins as an extremely slow movie robot steps into the scene looking about as menacing as a dew worm with an abscessed tooth, although to its credit it is trying to look tough with a ridiculous mace for one hand. The robot and its evil Russian pilot, Alexander, are standing in victory over their fallen American competitor, ignoring his pleas for mercy and the warnings of the referees who exclaim that the Russian must hold his position as the robot smashes a giant foot down, crushing the life from his opponent.

Blombo: The referee had declared that the fight was over. If the refs have no power anyways, then what the fuck is the point of even having referees?

Milobar: Wouldn’t you think that ignoring the ref would cause Alexander to lose the match, or be disqualified in some way?

Donkey: The referees in this bleak and poorly animated future must be run by the UN. They’re well intentioned, but no one listens to them. In the face of this devastating loss, the movie turns back to the American camp, where our team of heroes mourns the loss of their compacted fighter. The team consists of Achilles, the last great American hope who silently wishes it had been him crushed into the sweet embrace of oblivion, Tex Conway, the fat, loud, cowboy hat wearing archetype of the stereotypical Texan, and Dr. Matsumoto, otherwise known as ‘The dude that played the uncle and rival to Mr. Miyagi in The Karate Kid Part II.’

Blombo: Ah yes.

Milobar: His greatest role.

Donkey: I would agree, but I can’t discount the work he did as guest star on Hawaii Five-O, as it undoubtedly redefined the way that we view the term ‘average’. The group argues about its tactics or astounding lackthereof, as Tex McShithead laments that it should have been Achilles fighting in there today so that none of this would have happened, only to be reminded that Achilles is being saved for the next bout, which will determine who will lay claim to Alaska and all its resources. Tex scoffs at this, too busy thinking about the creamy fistfuls of mayonnaise that he’s running back to his apartment to engorge himself with to be listening to reason.

Blombo: It’s funny that the dude from Texas doesn’t quite understand how valuable Alaska is. Oil? That’s never made anybody rich!

Milobar: All it’s got up there is Eskimos!

Donkey: It’s a good thing that this asshole’s not in charge, or he’d have their robots laying claim to the nearest Burger King and the movie would be over pretty damn quick. With that meeting of the brain trust coming to a vacuous end, it’s time for Achilles to get back to preparing for the upcoming match. He stands fully padded in a gym, surrounded by androgynous clones that the movie calls “tubies”. Tubies in this case specifically means that the people were biogenetically engineered rather than born through the traditional process of drunken fumbling that inevitably leads to extreme vaginal tearing. These tubies are bred to be the greatest fighters on the face of the Earth, so naturally that entails…

It's raining men! Hallelujah, it's raining men!

Milobar: …horribly choreographed, shitty fighting with Achilles.

Blombo: You know what would make this movie great? If one of the Robot Jox did Gymkata.

Donkey: I agree. Even though we’ve only seen them onscreen for a moment, as soon as I saw those giant robots, I thought to myself, “Sure this is badass, but we need more unnecessary flips that accomplish nothing but to give cervical cancer to the audience”.

Milobar: This fighting demonstration is awesome. None of the kicks and/or punches that Achilles theoretically lands in this would have hurt anybody.

Blombo: If you were training as a Robot Jock, why would you even bother doing this? It’s not like a robot can do roundhouse kicks.

Donkey: Just wait until you get to the calligraphy and sewing classes. After an impressively useless demonstration of fighting skills that will never be put to use, Achilles and Tex run headlong into their second favorite past-time: blatant sexual harassment. They notice that one of the tubies is a woman, but the bitch has the never not to be completely swept off her feet by a fat man and an idiot heckling her by simply pointing out that she has a vagina.

Milobar: “I heard they had a woman”? This movie really wasn’t very forward thinking. This is supposed to be the future. They figured in the future that there would just be one woman in the entire group, and that she’d have no muscles whatsoever?

Donkey: Their irresistible charms are interrupted for a moment as they are introduced to the professor that developed the tubies, whom has comes in to gives Achilles and Tex little plastic cups for them to go jerk off into. For some reason, they actually want these two assholes to contribute to the gene pool. Can I place my vote for chemical castration? And barring that, maybe just go ahead and do it the old fashioned way, with a rusty soup can lid?

Here's to good friends, good health, and torquing your crank.

Blombo: Why the hell do they want sperm from the coach?

Milobar: Because he used to be the number one Robot Jock fighter, as Achilles is now.

Donkey: The movie then turns to the day of the big fight, as Tex is passing on his infinite depths of non-existent knowledge to the tubies as they stand in the control room, waiting for Achilles to get into his giant robot.

Milobar: You know what, I think Doctor Matsumoto needs a few more things to do. He’s wondering why his fighters keep losing…maybe it’s because you’re just sitting into the control room making Origami birds while everyone else is preparing for the fight.

Donkey: After explaining how the team coordinates a battle, the female tubie, Athena, inquires with Tex about the last fight of his career, where he managed to overtake an opponent that had him all but defeated with a single shot to the only weak spot in its armor. Tex dismisses it as luck, clearly uncomfortable with the spotlight shining on his uselessness, foreshadowing what is to come.

Blombo: He probably shot the guy in the dick.

Donkey: I know that’s where I’d concentrate all my firepower, were I battling a giant robot. Tex takes them over to one of the old, shitty televisions that serves as a monitor and we see Achilles getting suited up, ready for battle.

Milobar: Yeah, he seems like a really great athlete. He can barely stand on one foot.

Donkey: It’s a good thing that shit out though, because he doesn’t want to get out there in his giant robot that barely moves and pull a hammy.

Blombo: This still doesn’t make any damn sense. I mean, who would make a better Robot Jock; a martial artist or a guy that just has really good hand-eye coordination? You could put the fattest kid in there that had awesome hand-eye coordination and he’d probably be the best fighter that ever lived.

Donkey: Keep reaching for those dreams, sedentary youth of tomorrow. Does anyone remember why they have to pilot the giant robots in suits this goddamn big?

Blombo: They might just go into space.

Milobar: Ah yes. And also because they can’t take bathroom breaks.

Donkey: So it’s just an elaborate diaper?

Blombo: It’s also their air conditioning.

Milobar: It’s a combination, really. It pulls the shit and piss away from his lower body and circulates it through his chest area, which cools him.

Donkey: Now that he’s dressed and has crapped himself once already, Achilles takes an elevator up to the top of his robot, which looks in no way like a shitty model couldn’t even make its way into Power Rangers. As he’s about to set off for battle, he and his crew exchange their phrase of good luck, “crash and burn”. Crash and burn? Are you fucking kidding me? Why not, “I hope you die slowly and with a large amount of rectal pain”?

Blombo: That’s way better than, “break a leg”.

This is like a step class for the criminally idiotic.

Milobar: And finally he straps himself into the controls of the robot, as grabs two hand controls and steps onto a Dance Dance Revolution pad.

Blombo: Look at his damn gloves. There are RCA adapters in his gloves. As Achilles’ robot is being raised up to the battlefield from its underground hangar on a platform, there’s this shot of two technicians just watching him as he comes up that goes on for way, way too long. This is completely unnecessary.

Donkey: I think that’s just supposed to be an intermission where you can get a snack, use the washroom, or reconsider why the hell you’re watching this movie in the first place and look around for something else to do. But now we finally get our first look at the battlefield set out before Achilles. Besides everything else that makes this movie a hot gush of penile discharge into the eye, you have to love the fact that these giant robots are about to clash in an outdoor arena that actually has stands for spectators.

Milobar: And look at how small the space is between the bleachers. These two robots, that are both around a hundred feet tall, are about to fight in a space that is maybe a hundred yards across.

Donkey: Why the fuck would you want to be there in person to see that?

Blombo: Especially since they’re using rockets and other live ammo. Hey, let’s get as close to that as we possibly can.

Donkey: And as Achilles strides out into the field, we can see just how fucking stupid the way that he controls this mech is. He lifts one foot off the pressure pad and then brings it down again, which translates into walking forward. I can understand that it would register the impact of him bringing his foot down, but how the hell can a goddamn plate tell what he’s doing with his leg when it’s raised?

Milobar: The stop-motion animation of the robots in action looks just as ridiculous as the walking motion he’s making.

Donkey: And this simple act of walking forward really hammers home how goddamn unnecessary their entire training regiment is, because not only can you not do anything elaborate in these robots, but you can’t even do the simplest of things quickly.

Blombo: Those roundhouse kicks sure will come in handy now.

If only I'd spent more time working on my aim and less time on my jazz dance.

Donkey: Now that the trundling tribute to failure has finally entered the combat zone, the match between these two amazing champions begins, and in classic fashion. The two giant robots stand about five hundred yards apart from each other and just shoot rockets and shit back and forth at each other.

Milobar: They continue to slowly walk towards one another…

Blombo: …all the while they just keep trading shot for shot, not making even the simplest attempt to dodge the incoming fire.

Why exactly with a helmet that big, is his head bleeding?

Donkey: This is just fucking stupid. And once they get close enough to one another, a referee craft flies in and tells them that their long range weapons have been disabled. It’s now time for short range attacks. What? Why would you bother? But with this and so many other questions falling only bloody and deafened ears, the grappling of the robots begins. With one simple and extremely slow moving kick and punch, Alexander knocks Achilles’ giant robot over onto its back. The stunning display of ineptitude really defies description here. This is a supposed world class Robot Jock, and he just got smacked down onto his ass in two hits? But what makes it even better is that the Achilles’ team, still monitoring him from the control room, starts yelling about how he’s got a concussion. I’m sorry, if you get a goddamn concussion from your robot just falling over, then this whole thing is complete bullshit. He didn’t get slammed to the ground. He just fell over. And he’s wearing a fucking HELMET.

Blombo: Achilles comes to and finds himself staring up at the Russian looming over him. He starts up a torch on his robot’s arm, putting it to Alexander’s robo-leg, causing him to squeal and fall over backwards. How the hell did Alexander know he was doing that? It’s not like he can feel the robot’s pain.

Milobar: In an act of desperation as he’s lying on the ground, off comes the fist.

Donkey: That’s right, Alexander decides for no apparent reason to unleash his robot’s greatest weapon, a flying goddamn fist, which rather than posing even the slightest danger to Achilles, goes flying towards the bleachers. But Achilles, being more sentimental than intelligent, manages to get his robot up off the ground and jump into the path of the fist, blocking it before it can hit the stands. This just goes to show that while the physical fitness necessary to throw a roundhouse kick is a mandatory part of the Robot Jox training program, basic intelligence is not, as this of course causes Achilles and his robot to topple over…DIRECTLY ONTO THE STANDS.

A flying fist?! Quick, just duck and we'll be oka...AWWWW SHIT!!!

Thank you, Achilles! Instead having to dodge a fist that was flying at us, we’re now being crushed by a giant robot that’s laying on top of us. And if you look beyond the general idiocy of this scene and look at the specifics, how the fuck did Achilles get that mech off the ground in the first place, let alone that quickly? Achilles then cracks open his robot and peeks his head out at the carnage that he has caused. Women and children are screaming and dying all over the place.

Milobar: Everyone is looking up at him accusingly. You’re the morons that decided to watch two giant robots battle each other in person. Why not just watch it on TV at home like normal people you dumb fucks?

Blombo: And they probably paid good money for this, too.

Donkey: I can’t believe these people are surprised. Something like this had to have happened before. Can you possibly suggest that two giant robots have been fighting in front of people in that small an area and there’s never been a single accident? Really?

Blombo: There had to have been a stray rocket or fist before now.

I hereby declare the fight a draw! And that vertical stripes do not hide a beer gut.

Milobar: So we move on to some sort of tribunal that’s going on to determine who should win the fight since both of these Douche Bag Jox are useless. After presenting an argument in regards to Alexander using a long range weapon during a phase of the fight where they illegal, and Achilles heroically putting himself in harms way to save the civilians, the judges declare that Achilles motivations are irrelevant. And what about the argument that Russia-boy used the fist after long range weapons had been disabled? Doesn’t that seem relevant, considering that’s what the American’s were attempting to get the Russian disqualified on? No? No mention of that whatsoever? I guess we’ll just have to call it a draw.

Blombo: They declare that another fight will take place in one week to determine the true victor. I can barely wait to see what’s in store for that one.

Donkey: But once the tribunal has finished ladling out steaming bowls of justice, Achilles adds to the declares that he’s not fighting. As far as he’s concerned, his contract was for ten fights and he has now completed ten fights. Of course, upon hearing the news that the world’s greatest not-quite-a-warrior is hanging up his Robot Jockeys, the entire world erupts in controversy. Alexander calls bullshit, screaming that Achilles is scared of his impressive mane of pubic hair. The media yells a frenzy of questions at once, just so that the movie can continue its longstanding trend of not answering any. It even cuts to shots of Tex and Dr. Matsumoto, who shit their pants in surprise and mild dysentery. Finally we see the tubies all gethered in there training room, where Athena tries to justify to the others why Achilles has made a justified decision.

Milobar: Whatever you say, Athena. We’re all wearing white spandex outfits and you can see all our packages and mine is quite clearly extremely small.

Donkey: Moments later we see Achilles arguing with the commissioner of the US team, who is trying to tell him that he is under contract to complete ten fights, and that since he did not officially finish that last fight, he is obligated to fight again.

Blombo: Achilles calls bullshit, saying that he might not be able to read the contract, but that he’s no fool. What? Achilles can’t read?

Donkey: Nope, not at all. Apparently this is supposed to be an inspirational tale for fat kids AND the illiterate. And now that’s he’s officially told the entire world to suck the balls of toilet paper from his asscrack, it’s time for Achilles to hit a future bar!

Milobar: Future bar! I love future bar! Look at that future hair!

Blombo: Apparently in the future, white people still can’t dance.

Milobar: They really, really can’t. That’s just a combination of ducking and waving hello.

Donkey: At least the dancing matches the shittastic music that’s playing. It sounds like someone was trying to play an 1988 Casio keyboard with their armpits while having a stroke.

Milobar: Why is it that in every goddamn 80′s movie, the future looks so goddamn stupid?

Donkey: Eventually we pan past the convulsing collective of white shame and reach Achilles as he sits alone at the bar, having a drink for every letter in the alphabet. That’s the most creative attempt at alcohol poisoning I’ve ever seen. But before he can complete the task and slip into hot, buttery oblivion, Athena and a dude from the tubie class find Achilles there and start demanding to know why he did what he did. Those spectators signed a release to be there, so why didn’t he just let them die? In response to this question, Achilles asks, with with intense scorn in his eyes, if they both would have really let those people die. Hey Achilles, here’s the thing about that…you’re little stunt cost more people’s lives than if you had done nothing like they would have. So maybe you shouldn’t be trying to take the high ground here.

Milobar: Fuck, I would have let them die. Those people brought their goddamn kids to that fight. Fuck them. If there’s one thing me and imaginary future me have in common it’s that we can’t stand imaginary future idiots.

Blombo: Athena also asks him why he gave up his advantage. When the hell in that fight did Achilles have the advantage?

Milobar: I guess it would have to have been when he was down on the ground.

Blombo: And Alexander was rubbing his robo-balls in his face? So getting tea bagged is an advantage?

Donkey: Speak of the devil and he will appear, strolling into the bar with a badly performed Russian accent and all.

Milobar: What the fuck is Alexander doing here?

So comrade...do you come to this filthy capitalist pig establishment often?

Donkey: That’s a good fucking question. Why would these people congregate in the same bars? In his drunken stupor, Achilles demands that Alexander fight him then and there. Alexander, of course, refuses, saying that it will be settled in giant, awkwardly moving robots. So instead of fists, he hits Achilles with faux-philisophical questions to kick his brain square in the ballsack. “What do you fight for, Achilles?” What does Achilles fight for? He fights for burritos and discount tube socks.

Milobar: He fights for a cure for the herpes.

Blombo: And that scene ends on that great note. Next we see…what? Is Achilles having a bad dream?

Donkey: Yep. And Achilles’ bad dream consists of the same shots of the bleacher crushing incident shown earlier, just with a negative filter on. Outstanding.

Blombo: That might be the worst nightmare scene ever.

Donkey: Achilles opens his eyes to find himself naked and staring up at Athena in his glorious future apartment.

Oh sweet Jesus, did we just have dirty, drunken...hey, pretty colors!

Milobar: What the fuck is that thing rotating around in the background?

Donkey: Future art! None of that stupid 2-D bullshit for these people. In the future, it’s all about holograms of random shapes floating inside a sphere. As Achilles comes to realize what’s going on, Anthena tries to comfort him by reassuring that he didn’t have the chance to come up as short in the arena of love as he did in the arena of robots.

Milobar: I studied your body and I’ve got to tell you, that mole you’ve got on your taint…you might want to get that checked out.

Blombo: It tastes funny too.

Donkey: Do you have a lot of pork in your diet, by chance?

Blombo: It tasted like Reese Peanut Butter Cups and nickel.

Can I interest you in a white can of paste? No? How about a white can of paste?

Milobar: Future rooms are awesome. As he stumbles into his kitchen with her following, I love how we see everything in his future fridge is just a can with a blank label on it, like it’s all just protein paste.

Donkey: Which I believe is horse semen.

Milobar: I don’t believe. I know.

Donkey: Athena explains that she wanted to see what was different about him, what gave him the drive to be a champion. But she was unsuccessful, of course, as there is absolutely nothing remarkable about Achilles. Well my dear, let me tell you. It’s the willingness to continue to try to suck my own cock, even though I know I’ll never get there. That’s what being a champion is all about. Achilles stumbles back to his bedroom with Athena in tow and decides it’s time to hide his shame in a jumpsuit once again.

Even they seem pissed off about having to see his merkin in this scene.

Milobar: I can’t believe he’s actually naked for this scene. We don’t see his junk but we do get to see some ball-fro. You know, he could have just turned his back to the camera and we would have just seen his ass, which would have been much less horrific.

Donkey: And as they’re setting up this unwarranted cock shot, they continue with this philosophical conversation on what makes a champion and the art of war, and the whole thing is pointless, ridiculous, and completely elementary.

Milobar: Much like this entire movie. But as it transitions to the next scene where Achilles is watching the tubies train again, that’s a goddamn awesome sweater and jacket that Achilles has on.

Donkey: Achilles begins his new life by apparently coming to watch the tubies do stretches in their ludicrously tight suits. I guess you’ve got to get your ball-gazing in now while the getting’s good. And the while, Tex is leaning in awkwardly.

Pssstttt...that's not a pack of Rolaids pushing into your hip...

Milobar: It’s like being the manager of a boy band. You don’t get there without touching a few dicks.

Donkey: Half the fun is getting your fist wet. Achilles mentions something about Athena being the next in line to be a Robot Jock, to which Tex scoffs and says that while that might be true, she’ll never make it. She’s just a woman, after all. I love well-honed, arbitrary sexism.

Blombo: Good lord.

Milobar: Now that practice is over, it’s time to hit the showers together. Everybody get naked!

Donkey: Before he makes his exit, Achilles leaves Athena his lucky snot rag, telling her that it’s good luck and it managed to get him through ten fights. She accepts it, but reiterates her belief that there is no such thing as luck. Really? She doesn’t believe in luck? How can you not believe in luck? What the fuck would you call it when something coincidentally happens in your favor?

Milobar: I don’t believe in luck. I believe that everything is God’s will.

Donkey: That’s pretty much the only other explanation. The sweet baby Jesus flied down on a chariot made of marshmallows and exerts his will.

Blombo: Now it’s time for Achilles to saunter back to the projects. But he’s got to do that in style. Future car! Look at that thing. And it’s a hover car too.

Milobar: Of course they don’t show the whole car on camera at once.

Donkey: Of course not. It’s lowered very slowly, randomly bobbing on all sides to very clearly indicate that it’s on a big cables.

Still not as stupid as the El Camino.

Milobar: As he gets out, Achilles shuts the car down with a remote control thing. Now that is awesome.

Donkey: It conveniently fits in your pocket, provided that your entire jacket is one big pocket. Leaving his sweet ride to be vandalized by cyber-punks, Achilles enters the slums.

Blombo: Why is he here? Wouldn’t he be rich from being a champion?

Milobar: Since he can’t read, you never know how much he was being paid. As Achilles walks down a hallway, he stops to look at a poster of himself that’s been vandalized, with coward spelled on it very poorly.

Donkey: That’s an incredibly stinging blow, except for the fact that again, he can’t fucking read. For all he knows, that says, “fuck this guy’s awesome.”

Milobar: “I think this guy would look much better with a mustache, like this”.

Donkey: “This man is one mustache away from perfection”. Finally Achilles makes it to his brother’s apartment, where he has come to take refuge with his family. And in this tedious scene we see another little thing that speaks volumes about the role of women in the future. Achilles walks into his brother’s apartment, hands his sister-in-law his coat without her asking him if she can take it, and just walks away.

Milobar: Which is even more awesome since she’s pregnant.

Blombo: While Achilles is talking to his brother, his brother makes the comment, “We thought you won that last one”. Again, when did it look like he was winning?

Donkey: As the scene closes with whole family settling down for dinner, the movie makes a commentary about the shortage of meat in the future. The pregnant sister-in-law announces that they’re going to have meat tonight quite excitedly, like it’s a rare event. She opens a pot and we see that there’s a stew inside with a single hot dog floating in it. A hot dog? Even in the goddamn future, that can’t possibly be called real meat. No one, no matter how far in the future you go, will consider rat anus and human foot stuffed in a synthetic tube ‘real meat’.

Milobar: Realistically it’s just the losers of this next competition ground up, as we now see a training simulation where the Tubies have to climb this insane jungle gym that shakes, with bars that get red hot, and lasers and shit. How much time and money have you already invested in these dudes, just to have them get killed by this thing?

If this is your criteria for final selection, why not just use monkeys for Robot Jox?

Blombo: Again, how does any of this prove who the better fighter is? Or improve your skills in any way? Climbing is the most essential part of being a Robot Jock, I guess.

Milobar: Shouldn’t they all just compete to see how fast they can push buttons on an Xbox controller?

Blombo: That’s what I would think. Play some Halo.

Donkey: Nah, this is just out of the 80’s and yet this movie still seems like it’s ten years behind that. They’d be playing Missile Command.

Milobar: So Athena and another guy make it to the end, just to have a pole fall out from under the guy so that he falls to the ground. This whole exercise just seems like such a waste of money, time, and effort.

Donkey: You might as well train them, invest money in all of them, and then finish the training with a good old game of Russian Roulette.

Milobar: Just shoot them all in the chest and whoever survives is the winner.

Donkey: Watching the TV at his brother’s house, Achilles sees that Athena is the one who has won the right to fight the Russian in the rematch. Apparently that whole jungle gym shit was going to determine who got to fight, which makes it even more retarded. Seeing that Athena will be put in harm’s way, Achilles rushes back to the commissioner and declares that he will take part in the fight after all. He refuses to say that it’s for her sake, however, and instead just demands that there be no spectators. The commissioner agrees to that, saying that they had already thought about taking the spectators out. Apparently they realized that it makes no sense in any logical way, shape, or form to have spectators in the first place. Good for them.

Blombo: Especially since an accident like that should have happened hundreds of time before. But they probably get spectators who, like Achilles, can’t read and think that they’ve bought KISS tickets.

Milobar: As Achilles walks in to join his team in the hangar, he looks over a chart and asks Dr. Matsumoto about the lack of new weapons for the coming fight. What? He can’t read! Why the fuck is Achilles looking at a chart of technical specifications?! The doctor comments that there is a new super weapon, but no one knows the exact nature of it and it’s going to stay that way until the time of the fight, since they’re secrets keep getting leaked by a spy. Well, I’m going to ruin this for everyone because I’m an asshole: It’s a goddamn flashlight. That’s it. It blinds your opponent for roughly three seconds. What an awesome secret weapon!

Donkey: Dr. Matsumoto comments that even the people who installed it don’t know the nature of the weapon. Really? You think it’s that hard to figure out? Hey Bill, what is this giant flash bulb that we’re installing? What could it possibly be for? But the doctor declares that there will be no leaks this time. I think he’s actually talking about Achilles’ diarrhea problem.

Blombo: I guess the suits work then.

Donkey: As Achilles and Tex are walking away, Tex declares that he doesn’t trust that “Jap”, that he might be the spy. Wow. Sure, might as well add a little racism to the pile of sexism we already have in this movie. And what goddamn sense does that make anyways? Why would the guy designing your weapons give them away?

Milobar: Especially when he’s the guy insisting that nobody watch the briefing on the secret weapon until the fight starts.

Donkey: If he was the spy, wouldn’t he just develop weapons that don’t work, or are really shitty?

Blombo: Like a flashlight?

Donkey: Yeah, like a…hey, wait a minute…

Blombo: Next we see Achilles back at the bar, but this time he just wants a beer, because he’s in training.

Donkey: What a true athlete. He must be on the middle-aged redneck training regiment. Can anyone think of a science fiction movie that doesn’t have a fucking space cantina in it? Of course, Achilles isn’t there for thirty seconds before the drama begins. First Athena demands to know why he came back and took away her chance to fight. Then Alexander appears, welcoming Achilles back and taunting him with poorly written dialogue. “You make my drink taste like blood”? Are you serious? What the fuck is that? Are you a communist or a goth kid that just lost his puppy? And this guy’s fake Russian accent is just getting tiring at this point.

Two Douches and Mixing Board: the album drops next week, yo.

As our main players continue to verbally molest one another over Appletinis, the movie shows Tex “I’ve never met a burger that I wouldn’t rub on my nipples” Conway paying Dr. Matsumoto a visit in his personal lab. As Tex asks the doctor why he wasn’t included in the new weapon debriefing, the doctor asks Tex to watch a monitor as he pulls up the details of Tex’s final match as a Robot Jock. He points out that Tex managed to perfectly hit a tiny spot on the front of the enemy mech that was the only weakness in the armor, even though that weakness was not noted in the information that they had before the fight.

Blombo: Why would the only weak spot be on the front?

Donkey: Because that’s quality engineering. The one weak spot on the armor is on the front, just off center of the middle of the torso. At that point, considering how many Gatling guns and other shit like that could be used by the giant robots, I would submit that it’s quite likely that the weak spot would be hit eventually.

Milobar: And apparently nobody looked at those tapes before Captain Japan decided to do some research. Really? Not one person analyzed these tapes before?

Donkey: Since he’s corned, it’s time for Tex ‘Bacon grease for breakfast’ Conway to confess and pistol whip the doctor.

Blombo: He got a bruise from that hit really fast. Of course, Tex then shoots the doctor, but not before the doctor turns on a camera that films the murder and a convenient confession that is blurted out. And to finish it off right, when the doctor gets shot, you can see the paintball capsule fly off camera.

Donkey: Hey, at least they paid for blanks. He didn’t just hold up the gun and scream, “POW!”

Milobar: Or hold his gun off screen and just shake his arm. Wow, in this next scene, as Athena arrives at Achilles’ apartment, you can really tell how much taller she is than Achilles. How emasculating.

Donkey: And now we’ve come to one of the greatest moments in Shitty Movie Night history.

Blombo: The first time we watched this, I almost pissed my pants laughing.

Milobar: Watching the first part of this movie is totally worth it just to see this one moment.

Donkey: So Athena comes to his apartment and shoots Achilles up with a sedative while he’s not looking so that he’ll pass out and not be able to make it to the match. But before Achilles goes down for nap time, it’s time to fight. They wrestle around pointlessly for a while, and then in one glorious shot from the gods where Athena goes to throw Achilles onto the bed, she’s replaced by a stunt double WHO IS VERY CLEARLY A DUDE.

You're seeing this right. A black woman has been replaced by a white man. It could only be better if he had a full beard.

Milobar: I remember the first time we saw this, I had to replay this scene just so that we could be sure of what we just saw.

Donkey: No matter how many times you see it, nothing can prepare you for this insanity. Why the fuck did they not use a female stunt double? You couldn’t find ONE? But once Achilles has finally passed out, Athena has the option of pulling the old switcheroo and take his place in the fight, or just spending a lovely afternoon raping him with a rusty pipe wrench. I was hoping for the latter, but she chooses the former. Moments later we see her show up and execute her perfect plan: she shows up disguised as Achilles by wearing a tinted visor on her Robot Jock helmet and not saying a thing. And no one finds that odd.

Milobar: You can tell it’s a goddamn woman in that suit.

Donkey: Once the team of technicians that’s strapping Athena into the robot notices that she’s not Achilles, she flips the first dude that approaches her, which apparently knocks him out. The remaining five guys then run to the aid of the first dude, rather than continuing to try to stop her.

Milobar: Back at his apartment, Achilles wakes up to find himself locked in his own apartment. Apparently in the future, if you smash a door’s control panel, the door just stays closed. That’s a pretty basic design flaw and a massive fire hazard. Shouldn’t the default option in that case be that it stays open? Or at the very least, have a manual lever that can be used from the inside?

Donkey: All seems lost, but suddenly Achilles has a very, very bad idea. He grabs the controller for his car and fires it up.

Milobar: Better extend that antenna.

So the circle indicates that the car is pointed in what direction exactly?

Donkey: He then uses the extremely basic graphical display and the controller to drives the car towards his apartment.

Blombo: You know, there could be people in that things path and he couldn’t tell. And the display has his car represented by a dot. A single dot. How the hell would that help you drive? And if your car is that advanced, wouldn’t it have a safety device on it, so that you couldn’t crash it into shit?

Donkey: That would seem likely since his display starts flashing red to tell him that the car is about to crash through his wall. But still, it doesn’t stop this madness and moments later the car comes crashing through his wall. Of course, smashing a car, hood-first, into a goddamn building would likely destroy most cars. But I’m still picturing that dude who was supposed to be a girl and nothing else seems to matter.

Blombo: The movie goes back to Athena as she takes control of the giant robot that she’s strapped into while the rest of the team tries to stop her remotely. Did I see that right? Did the manual override that she just hit consist of a big red button?

Milobar: It certainly did. And the team is still scrambling to try to find a way to stop her. As Athena starts to raise the platform out of the underground hangar, Tex brings it to a stop, saying, “At least we can keep her inside”. The commissioner then gets on the phone with his security troupe, saying, “Don’t endanger your men, shoot to kill”. What? She has no weapons.

Blombo: She does have a special power where she becomes a man when she fights, though.

Milobar: You’d think just running out there to shoot at her would put the men in danger then.

Donkey: Undaunted by the team’s efforts, Athena uses the robot to climb up to the playing field. How the hell did she manage to make the robot have the dexterity required for climbing is something you’d best not ask yourself if you don’t want your brain to jump out of your skull in protest.

Milobar: Achilles then comes running into the control room in his pajamas.

Donkey: The vast majority of people in this movie spend the whole time wearing clothes that are way too tight. I guess everyone in the future has no shame when it comes to showing off the creases in their balls. Meanwhile, as Athena takes to the battlefield, Dr. Matsumoto’s video debriefing begins, explaining the new weapon that has been developed for this match.

Milobar: You’ve got a new weapon. It’s a goddamn flash light with the power of a million exploding suns.

Donkey: The doctor explains that the weapon is controlled by the sun image, which is a giant, ridiculous button. Fuck, did they plan for a five year old to be piloting this thing?

Blombo: At the end of the briefing, which is being played simultaneously in the giant robot for Athena and in back in the control room for the rest of the team, the video cuts to the recorded confession and murder of Dr. Matusmoto. Cornered once again, Tex bolts out of the room. He’s obese. How far can he run?

Donkey: It turns out he doesn’t have to run very far, as moments later Tex “Someone get me a gravy milkshake” Conway jumps to his death. That’s the first smart thing that I’ve seen someone do in this damn film.

Milobar: Geronimo!

Blombo: Who yells Geronimo when they’re committing suicide?

Milobar: As he enters the arena to face off against Athena, it’s clear that Alexander’s robot has been upgraded for this fight: it now has four legs. What’s the purpose of having four goddamn legs?

Donkey: Considering how badly Achilles was fucked up by getting gently knocked over before, I’d say the extra stability could be quite useful. But then that begs the question, why don’t all of them have four legs? Or a goddamn tank base with treads instead of legs?

Milobar: That was the old version that apparently wasn’t as good.

Donkey: Faced with her opponent, Athena elects to use the secret weapon right away.

Blombo: Of course.

Oh my God! That's totally the most ultimate weapon ever!

Milobar: As predicted, Alexander can’t see for a couple of seconds, so he just blindly charges and tackles her.

Blombo: Why they fuck did she use it? She didn’t even shoot at him after that. She just blinds him and stands there like an idiot.

Donkey: Not only does she not bother to attack, but she doesn’t even try to move as Alexander comes charging at her. So seconds later, his robot is on top of hers, hitting her robot as she’s screeching like she’s in physical pain. After arduous minutes of anticlimactic fighting, Athena manages to use an idiot’s version of a child’s idea of a chainsaw to cut one of the fists off of Alexander’s robot. Without hesitation, the Russian continues his attack.

Milobar: And here comes the dildo.

No! Stop! I just ate! I'm gonna puke!

Donkey: His remaining fist is on hydraulics, very slowly bumping into her, and she’s flailing around inside her mech like she’s getting hit in the head with a goddamn baseball bat. Back at HQ, the rest of the team is yelling about how he’s killing her. Killing her? HOW? That’s not even a slight irritation, let alone an actual attack.

Blombo: He’s shaking her softly to this song.

Donkey: Unable to stand by and let the fight come to its natural conclusion, Achilles suddenly rolls up in a car just as Alexander realizes that his opponent was Athena up to this point. Any moderate amount of brain activity would lead one to conclude that this should have the Americans disqualified immediately. But of course, rather than being happy with his victory, Alexander is outraged by the ruse that cheated him out of using his unremarkable skills to jostle Achilles around.

Blombo: Glorious.

Donkey: So to recap, we’ve seen two robot matches in this movie. The first one consisted of shooting at each other from a distance, one kick, one punch, and Achilles going down faster than a coked out hooker. This fight consists of a flare, him charging her, and then trying to rape her very gently with a fist. These are true champions of combat. I can totally understand why this is the preferred method of settling international disputes.

Milobar: They really are exciting fights. I can’t wait for the future at this point.

Blombo: Let’s not overlook the fact that the music is terrible as well.

Donkey: The referees declare Alexander the winner, but that demand that he must leave the field now or be held in contempt of process. Wait, that’s exactly what happened in the fight at the beginning of the movie, when he ignored the ref and crushed his opponent anyway. Why wasn’t he disqualified then? But while the movie bathes in its own inconsistency and the refs continue to warn Alexander to back off, Achilles climbs into his downed robot and begins pulling Athena out of the battle suit.

Blombo: Why are you undressing me?

Milobar: Stop taking my clothes off.

Donkey: They didn’t have a second one of these things that he could have just come straight out in, saving everyone the trouble? And of course as Athena returns to consciousness, these two end up making out. Yeah, there was no sexual tension between these two at all up to this point, so why not.

Milobar: Alexander’s boss is yelling at him on the monitor, warning him to walk away while they’ve still officially won Alaska, but instead of just turning off the screen, Alexander rips out the electrical lines. Then Alexander focuses his wrath on the judges. But instead of moving their hovercraft, the judges jump off of it just before he steps down on it. You flew in, for god’s sake. Just fly away. Does no one in this movie have any goddamn common sense?

Blombo: It looks better to jump off and then wait twenty minutes while the thing gets crushed.

Milobar: The commissioner of the US team appeals to Achilles in the same way, telling him that the Russians have now officially lost if he just pulls back. And while Achilles refuses, he also manages to turn the monitor off instead of destroying it. Wait, in the first fight, the refs disabled the long range weapons. So if they have remote access to disable systems on the robots, why wouldn’t you just shut them down completely?

Donkey: Now that the rivals have both thrown out all the rules just for a chance to destroy one another, that naturally means that it’s time to…fly out into space? What the fuck?!

Milobar: After they both lift off, the two robots are flying around in space. Achilles gets shot down by Alexander and then crashes down into the exact same spot they were fighting in before. Did anyone think about how long it would take to get into space, or how much rocket fuel would be required to lift something of that size into orbit? Or how unlikely it would be to crash land exactly where you took off from?

Donkey: That scene was as short as it was pointless. They flew up to space, Achilles got hit once, and then come crashing back to land. Goddamn it. This fucking movie seems like it was written using MadLibs.

Milobar: Achilles comes crashing down and the robot lands on its chest. You designed these things to take off into space, but didn’t give them any way to land?

Blombo: On your face technically counts as a way to land.

Milobar: That was pretty retarded, I don’t mind telling you.

I think I had a No-Name immitation Transformer that looked exactly like this.

Donkey: We’re still not anywhere near finished with the madness, though. Achilles breaks out another weapon of lunacy, pushing a button which transforms his robot into a tank. Wait, isn’t that a bigger deal than a goddamn flare? Wait, maybe not. And of course, since this effect is done as well as every other effect in the movie, the robot’s tank mode consists of it sitting on its ass, grabbing its feet, and rolling along.

Milobar: And now suddenly, as Achilles drives towards him, Alexander can’t hit the thing to save his life, even though his opponent is only thirty feet away.

Donkey: Keep in mind this is the first time he’s shooting at a moving target. Every other time up to this point, Achilles has just stood still, begging to be hit square on the chin. And that just goes to show how high the caliber of all the training that the Robot Jox go through, as he’s completely fucked the moment his target moves.

Milobar: Alexander shoots his own robot right in the knee, which appears to be oddly be painful for him, but then he just reaches down and flips the Achilles’ robot over. Well that was ridiculously fucking easy.

Donkey: And now that Alexander has Achilles beneath him and at his mercy, it’s time for him to produce his own weapon of madness: a chainsaw penis.

Blombo: That saw dick is awesome.

Donkey: Alexander starts screaming, telling Achilles that he has lost. No shit Achilles lost. He lost the match twenty minutes ago, asshole. But just before he takes the cock of death that square on the chin, Achilles dives out of his robot and starts running around on foot.

Milobar: He’s running in zigzag patterns, so of course Alexander can’t get a target lock on him.

Blombo: He’s using mini-guns, for god’s sake. How the fuck do you miss?

Milobar: As the bullet fire comes dangerously close to him, Achilles desperately to get away. But all he does is dive to the ground, out in the open. If you just keep shooting, you’ll hit him. But now that Alexander has inexplicably halted his attack, Achilles runs over and takes cover behind the hand that was cut off of Alexander’s robot earlier. As he ducks behind it, he magically somehow knows how to hotwire it. Where’s the power source for this thing?

Donkey: Finally Achilles manages to get the fist to shoot, and it rockets off like it did at the bleachers in their first fight. Only this time it flies up and hits Alexander’s mech in the chest. Only for some reason, even though it only knocked Achilles over when it happened the first time, this causes Alexander’s entire robot to fucking EXPLODE. Even if you discount what happened in the first fight, you’re telling me that every other weapon barely did a thing, but a blunt object causes the whole thing to explode?

Right at this moment, the designer who decided to spend their entire defensive shielding budget on rocket-fists realizes that he's about to be fired.

Milobar: As Achilles is celebrating, Alexander runs up behind him and attacks.

Donkey: Achilles says to him, “it’s over.” It was over half an hour ago, asshole. Why would he stop now? And Alexander agrees, as they continue to fight with discarded robot parts that are scattered on the ground. This might be one of the worst fight scenes ever. It’s just two middle-aged men throwing themselves around with metal poles.

Blombo: This is awful.

Donkey: As the fight comes to an end, Achilles pulls out yet another ultimate weapon: a double-fisted punch in the ass!

Blombo: That’s unstoppable.

Donkey: Achilles continues to plead with Alexander, but he won’t relent. “We’re dead…we’re Robot Jox.” No, you’re just dead on the inside.

Milobar: I’d be dead on the outside if I appeared in this damn movie.

Donkey: So after all this, Achilles tries to promote peace with the compelling argument, “we can live”. Then he just stands there, with his defenses dropped, waiting for Alexander to make the final move.

Milobar: Alexander drops the rock he was ready to smash Achilles with and…

Donkey:…THUMBS UP!

Milobar: And they follow that up with the greatest move ever, the fist bump. I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that this was the movie that started that entire trend.

If this is the price of world peace, I'm burning my cheque book.

Donkey: And that’s it. That’s the end of the movie. It goes right to the credits. Fuck this movie.

Milobar: That movie was so ridiculous.

Donkey: And with a running time of eighty one minutes, this falls once again into the classic Shitty Movie Night timeline.

Milobar: It should have been straight to video, right into the bargain bin at Wal-mart.

Donkey: Fuck that. It should have gone straight to the landfill.

Blombo: Right next to ET for the Atari 2600.

The Verdict:

Donkey: This movie quite literally accomplishes nothing. Achilles and Alexander begin the movie in a fight for the territory of Alaska which is declared a draw, and end the movie by disqualifying themselves from the rematch, thus making the entire thing a complete waste of time. But when you look at it more closely, you see that Robot Jox boils down to three moments of absolutely glorious and unbridled insanity, surrounded by about forty minutes of lazily crafted, boring bullshit. The actual battles involving the robots at the beginning and end of the movie are filled with non-stop hilarity, whether it’s the weapons that were clearly developed as a love letter to psychosis, or the decision to save a handful of people by crushing them and countless more. And these are topped only by a quick moment of completely unmotivated gender bending. But does that make it worth it? Fuck yeah. Strap in. I give this movie 4 chainsaw dongs out of 5 exploding suns.

What We Learned:

Donkey: It’s a man’s world, ladies. If you want to play with the big boys, you better find a way to quite literally become a man for split seconds during key moments. Either that or avoid the kind of people who would make a movie like Robot Jox.

Don’t forget to check back every Thursday for a new, fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Three men walk down a beach, leaving behind only one set of footprints. Is it Jesus? Nay, as he’s too busy crying over the Asylum’s Christian atrocity…THE APOCALYPSE.

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