I would honestly have an easier time believing that Encino Man was based on true events than this sack of shit.

Donkey: There’s no denying that everyone needs a hobby. Without them, we’d be forced to pass the time by attempting to engage those around us in meaningful conversation only to realize how much we can’t stand the stupid words blathering their way out of their stupid faces. Society as we know it would crumble in an orgy of violence that would make the crusades look like a sexy schoolgirl slumber party. The world would burn like hemorrhoids after the first three stages of the Tour De France. So for the sake of innocent and adorable baby hippos everywhere, we need to occupy ourselves with pointless pursuits of obvious irrelevance. The funny thing is that not only do we seethe with passion for our own hobbies (just try and take away my knitting needles and see what happens, punk), we usually can’t understand any others. And I’m no exception.

I’ve personally never understood the fascination with cars. I’ve met so many men who would just as soon fuck a piston shaft as their own spouse and try as I might, I just can’t bring myself to care. For me, a car is a way to get from Point A to Point B, with the occasional detour to Point C to pick up a pack of Garbage Pail Kids collector cards and the odd box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But while I don’t understand the fascination, I at least respect it as an interest as valid as any other. That being said, illegal street racing is a different matter altogether. If I could be serious for just a moment, I’d like to address anyone who participates in or glorifies this bullshit and happens to be reading this: you’re a douche. Seriously. You are the King of the Douches. If you want to drive your shitty penis extension around a closed track where there’s a chance that you’ll only kill yourself or the insecure little man-child racing you, that’s cool. Really. Enjoy. But the moment that you’re doing it on public streets, where an innocent person will eventually die for the sake of diverting attention away from your non-descended testicles, you become a genuine liability in this world. So just do us all a favor…slather yourself in honey and try to give a bear a reach-around. But if you won’t be that considerate, at least sit back, relax, and enjoy as we turn to the fate that you truly deserve: a depiction of your true passion as seen through the eyes of an Asylum film. Suck it, bitches.

The Plot:

Donkey: Street Racer is a remarkable Asylum film, as its name is a knock off of the simultaneously released waste of cash known as Speed Racer, while its plot is closer to a knock off of The Fast and The Furious. So seeing as it’s clearly nothing like the movie that its name is supposed to trick you into believing it is, and the movie that it’s actually imitating had been off people’s radars for years by the time it was released, I can only assume that the reason Street Racer was made was because there was too much happiness in the world. Let’s try to describe it in the context it truly deserves:

This is Johnny. See Johnny drive a car very fast. Drive, Johnny, drive! See Johnny drive a car badly. No, Johnny, no! Johnny causes an accident and goes to jail. See Johnny’s mouth filled with balls. Gargle, Johnny, gargle! Johnny gets out of jail and tries to lead a normal life. But Johnny must keep racing, or his crooked parole officer will fraudulently claim that Johnny had broken the terms of his parole and have him shipped back to prison to once again serve as a human bidet. Drive, Johnny, drive! With everything on the line, Johnny must take part in one final illegal street racing event, racing for his future, for the love of a woman, and to inspire a crippled boy.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Part I: Don’t Need Nothing But A Good Time…And Maybe Some Anti-Lock Brakes

Is this supposed to be a street race, or a bastardized recreation of Frogger?

Donkey: Known perhaps as much for their lack of subtlety as their startling lack of quality to anyone whom has seen as many of their films as we have, The Asylum’s Street Racer surprises no one as it begins with not just a street race, but what is probably the worst ever caught on film. It goes without saying that the movie got its budget from the director saving the allowance that his parents had given him for the last three months, and this scene reinforces that right from the start. The race, which was clearly filmed at incredibly pedestrian speeds and then sped up to somewhat pedestrian levels (which you can see by how slowly the background is passing by during close up shots), features the movie’s primary archrivals, the smoldering hero Johnny Wayne and his cock repository of a nemesis, Mickey Styles, as they pilot completely ordinary cars. They have to good sense to be sports cars, but perfectly average ones that are in no way customized. The scene thrills you with a lot of close up shots of the two racers behind the wheel, the sound of lots of engine revving (even though it doesn’t cause them to go any faster), and the two cars trying to pass both each other and a considerable amount of traffic on a two lane highway in the middle of the goddamn day. If this seems retarded to you, the movie is kind enough to confirm that moments later when the race comes to the literal crashing end. After passing it, Mickey cuts off an SUV causing it to turn towards the ditch and end up sitting sideways across the lane. Since Johnny is following closely behind, he has no choice but to run straight into it and once again highlight the movie’s budget with awesomeness. You see a car hit the SUV, but you can see that it’s not the car Johnny was driving a moment ago. After all, if you don’t have the money to use a suped-up car in your film, you’re sure as shit not going to wreck the ordinary one that you did have. And when it does hit, all it does is cause the SUV to rock from side to side, moving less than if two people were fucking in the back seat Texas-style. I’m serious when I say that if I ran at top speed towards that SUV and fell flat on my face about ten feet away from it, the air that I caused to hit that thing would move this SUV more than this accident did. So as Mickey speeds off to leave Johnny to his fate, you can’t help but wonder how bad they’re suggesting this fairly minor fender-bender could possibly be.

This would probably still not have been a horrific crash even if there were people in the fucking car.

Part II: I Fought The Law and The Law Tea-Bagged My Beaten Carcass

Here you go...your time in jail might be done, but the final step in your punishment involves these tickets to a Creed concert.

Apparently it’s being suggested that the crash was atrociously bad as the movie picks up five years later with Johnny finally getting out of prison. Having a very sore jaw that taught him the hard way that keeping his mouth shut was good policy, Johnny’s understandably short on words when he checks in with his parole officer, a man named Briggs. But that’s of little consequence, as Briggs has the whole talking thing covered. He gives Johnny the standard information for every ex-convict, that he’s been set up with a job and must do community service at a nearby physiotherapy clinic. But just as Johnny’s starting to think that he might finally be able to start his life over and get into that pottery course that he was hoping to take at the Community College, Briggs tells him that he’ll have to continue to race in the illegal underground circuit for him, despite Johnny’s protests. He is told that he will race where and when he’s told with almost all of the money going back to Briggs, or Briggs will send him back to jail in a Sailor Moon costume and edible panties. Realizing that his dream of revolutionizing the pottery world will likely go unfulfilled, Johnny doesn’t bother to protest any further. This scene is great for highlighting one thing that you can’t help but notice throughout the movie: apparently they think the name Johnny is either pretty funny or just goddamn fascinating, because everyone says it about forty seven times every five minutes. Seriously, you’d think that they were either being sponsored by Johnny.com and were being paid by the utterance, or that the director had somehow befallen a curse where only having those around him constantly saying the name Johnny would keep the demons from feasting on his ball sack.

After realizing that he’s stuck in the futility that goes hand-in-hand with any Asylum film, Johnny checks into his new job, which appears to be fixing cars at a junkyard. Does it strike anyone else as kind of counterproductive to send a dude who was arrested for a motor vehicle offense to work with cars? That’s like sending a recovering drug addict to work at a pharmacy, or a pedophile to work at a preschool. After meeting his new coworker, Steve, and hearing that his boss, Red, wouldn’t be around for a while, the two of them have an awkward conversation where Steve asks Johnny if he tossed any salads in prison. Play your cards right, Johnny. Unless all those pornos where one girl initiates a naked wrestling match by asking another if she’s ever kissed a woman before have lied to me, I think there might be some junkyard loving in your future. To fuel the obvious sexual tension and perhaps excuse a little experimentation, they decide to take off in Red’s car for a few drinks at a nearby bar, since Red isn’t there. What a great way to start your first day at your new job. If you were trying to stay out of trouble, that’s about as bright as walking into a major US airport with a sign that says, “Allah, I’ll be seeing you real soon”.

So....um....vagina is pretty overrated, huh?

Moments later they pull into the parking lot of the bar where everyone is just standing outside by their not-impressive cars, basking in the thrill of an unremarkable existence. Ignoring the crowd of clearly unemployed gearheads, Johnny and Steve proceed into the bar to find that it’s packed, which is pretty strange when you consider this should be in the middle of the morning. As he enjoys an ice water at the bar, like that will make taking off to a bar in the morning of your first day with your boss’ car any fucking more respectable, Johnny is visited by the Ghost of Shitheads Past when Mickey walks up and says hello. He’s followed by what is supposed to be the rest of their old gang, and seriously, the whole gang, with Mickey being the worst offender, keeps saying “Johnny” over and over again like he’ll eventually grant them all wishes if they do it long enough. After being pushed for a rematch, Johnny tells Mickey that he’s done with racing, that his soul belongs to Broadway now. Naturally the news isn’t greeted favorably, but once Mickey starts making fun of Johnny for taking it in the ass in prison, Steve is overcome with what one can only assume is a jealous rage and tries to defend his territory, only to end up having the chair kicked out from under him. Trying to follow the example of Ghandi, provided that Ghandi had believed in passive resistance almost as much as he did in premium hair products, Johnny tells his old friends to fuck off, collects Steve off the floor, and leaves.

Did you turn gay while you were in jail, Johnny? Did you go down on guys like I'm going to on this bottle?...uhhh...yeah...that's right....right in my mouth...

Try my shake, Johnny! It's delicious!

As they drive back and discuss the particulars of Red’s car, Mickey and the crew pass by Johnny and Steve in their cars. Mickey slows down beside them for a moment as he tries to goad Johnny into racing him again by continuing to question Johnny’s sexuality and then hitting him in the side of the face with a milkshake while he’s driving. With an unexpected creamy load splattering on his cheek likely triggering Vietnam-like flashbacks of the last five years, Johnny swerves and almost puts Red’s car in the ditch.

Things continue to go from bad to worse as Johnny comes home to his apartment that evening to find Briggs waiting for him. After punching Johnny in the gut and comparing him to a whore, Briggs gives him shit for missing his first race that day. What? What fucking race? Was Mickey’s casual prodding of Johnny to get him back in the saddle supposed to have been something official? Or did I black out and start running through an episode of Silver Spoons in my head again to escape watching this? Briggs then says that Johnny must race tomorrow, giving him the time and address. When Johnny points out that he doesn’t have a car, Briggs says that he has faith that Johnny will work something out. I think I understand corruption, but isn’t that going a little far? It’s not like you can make a lot of money off this kid’s illegal racing career if he’s back in prison after being arrested for grand theft auto.

Yeah, that's very nice, but you already have the job, kid. You don't need to show me your balls.

As Johnny returns to work the next day, Red finally makes his first appearance in the film. I love this guy almost as much as I love Jason Gray (whom you may remember is the actor who has been in every other Asylum movie that we have watched up to this point). As Red screams at Steve over the pink mess in his car, the first thing you notice is his voice. He sounds like some future technology managed to send him back in time after splicing him together with DNA from Burgess Meredith, Lloyd Bridges, and a sack of blight-ridden potatoes. But wait a minute…does that mean that Johnny and Steve didn’t bother to clean up the milkshake that they were pelted with yesterday when they stole Red’s car? Good God. Did you take a dump in the glove box while you were at it? Having finished screaming at Steve for a moment, Red walks over and asks Johnny if he likes strawberry milkshakes. Johnny says no, he’s more of a chocolate man. Red says yeah, the joint will do that to you. As Red leaves him there to ponder that nugget of wisdom, Johnny, like me, is confused at what the fuck that was.

He's not so much crippled as just dragging his feet. Has anyone considered that this kid might just be lazy?

We’re introduced to the last piece of the puzzle moments later when Johnny shows up at a clinic to start his many hours of rewarding community service. As he looks around the place, he sees a young boy named Daniel trying to walk again with the help of a therapist and his older sister, Kelly. The kid’s apparently getting quite discouraged, either with his lack of progress or with the sociopolitical quagmire that is the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I’m not really sure which, but I can guess. After checking in with the staff, Johnny find himself alone and engaging in awkward chit-chat with little Daniel, the walkless wonder. His sister, Kelly comes back a moment later to collect him when she catches sight of Johnny HotPants. And thus the first sparks of the movie’s impossibly retarded courtship begins.

Part III: Fate’s Horribly Unintereting Plan

As we come to the next morning, after a nightmare-filled night of soul searching and flat-ironing of his hair, Johnny realizes that he can’t resist Brigg’s demands any longer. He steals Red’s car and goes looking for his first race. And he soon finds it, even though it’s now the middle of the day again, which still doesn’t make any fucking sense. He goes back to the bar that he and Steve were at the day before and finds Mickey and the crew all hanging out in its parking lot for no reason, sitting on the hood of their cars. Does nobody work in this fucking movie? Johnny challenges Mickey to a race, only to have him refuse. In his place, Mickey’s black friend, Derek, steps up in his place and accepts the challenge. After a few minutes of smack talk that makes an online, twelve year old Halo player seem exceptionally clever, the drivers take their position. Derek is driving one of the least aerodynamic vehicles known to man, making it pretty much perfect for a drag race. After a thrilling nineteen second race, Johnny wins, earning himself Derek’s car and a thousand dollars. The money is soon claimed by Briggs, but Johnny demands to keep the car.

BMW Vs. One of the cars least likely to ever be in a drag race. Classic.

In a plot twist as tired and predictable as a pie to the face, Johnny rolls back to the work and tries to return the car, only to have Red catch him red handed. However, rather than high-fiving him and building a Lego recreation of the Battle of Waterloo together, as I would have thought would have fit into this movie, a disappointed Red gives Johnny a speech about how there’s no room in this world for street racing and demands that he leave before the cops are called. I guess someone can do something remotely logical in this film after all. Rather than try to explain his situation, Johnny simply accepts his fate and saunters off. No, Johnny! You tortured soul! You misunderstood rebel! If only someone would give you a chance! When will you ever find that rainbow?

The next day back at the clinic, Johnny runs into Daniel and his sister again. Kelly tells Johnny that she needs to go, so she asks if he’ll watch after Daniel while she’s gone. He’s not a fucking puppy, for Christ’s sake. He’s an adolescent, and one in a wheelchair at that. Where the fuck is he going to go? After Kelly leaves the two of them, Daniel reveals that he’s figured out that Johnny is a racer, and tells him that he’d love to be a racer himself one day. While he’s stalling from having to explain to Danny that the only way that he’ll be racing is if his breaks give out on a handicapped ramp, the therapist shows up and suggests that Johnny assist with the therapy. He agrees, and of course now that he’s involved, Danny begins to make great progress. Kelly comes back moments later to see that Johnny is inspiring her brother, and the fantastically sickening sexual tension continues to fester.

Hey sis, do you really think you should bother talking to him while you've got that yeast infection?

Later that day, Johnny meets Briggs again on the side of a road where he is introduced to his next assignment. This time it’s another member of the old crew, Mickey’s possibly transvestite girlfriend, Sheila. To her credit, though, at least she has the good sense to be driving a Miata. Johnny, racing in the boxy soccer mom cruiser that he won from Derek, engages Sheila in a thrilling seven second match, only to lose. No shit. He’s in a fucking family vehicle and she’s in a Miata. He might as well have taken her on using a baby carriage with a wind sail strapped to it.

The next day, Johnny shows up at Red’s again to find him asleep in his office. Johnny tries to ask for his job back, explaining the situation with Briggs that he probably should have just brought up earlier before being fired in the first place. At first Red says he can’t help, but As Johnny tries to walk away, Red has a classic change of heart. He assures Johnny that he knows how to beat Briggs and declares that he’s going to coach Johnny, as long as Johnny shuts the fuck up. I heartily agree with the rider to that contract. When Johnny protests that he won’t have anything to race in, having lost Derek’s mom’s car back to him, Red shows Johnny his solution. It’s a car in the junkyard that he’s supposed to fix up. I smell a montage!

After this, kid, I turn it up a notch when I break out my Atari 7800 and we play Pole Position II!

Red’s coaching begins later that day, as he explains that Johnny can’t beat Mickey with reaction time because he’ll in turn beat Johnny with horsepower. So the only way to beat him is to race him on a street circuit. His advice? “You gotta get into the corners faster. You gotta get through them faster. You gotta get out earlier.That’s the way to do it.” Wait…that’s fucking advice? Drive faster? Just to top that moment of unbridled lunacy, Red then reveals the method of their training: racing in fucking go-karts. GO-KARTS. Apparently not realizing that he’s actually being coached by an escaped mental patient with chronic bronchitis, Johnny then gets suited up into a racing suit and prepares for glory. Why the fuck would you bother getting into a full racing suit and helmet to get into a fucking go-kart when you’ve been street racing in plain clothes? But seeing as their isn’t enough room on that thing for him and his dignity, Johnny begins his intense regiment, driving around a go-kart track that’s made all the more extreme by the film being sped up and heavy metal music playing in the background. After a completing a couple of laps in, no shit, fifteen seconds, he makes a pit stop and pulls up to Red who once again tells him that he’s got to go through the corners faster. Johnny then races back out to do another couple of fast and furious laps. Keep in mind that the camera is at ground level the entire time, so most of his attempts to break the sound barrier simply appear as him driving directly at the camera, which any deer can tell you is a great way to hide the speed of an approaching vehicle. This has the awesome effect of making an already unimpressive scene is even less so. He pits again about twelve seconds later where Red tells him to steer smoother. Fucking awesome. I can’t get enough of this technical, highly specialized insight into the world of racing. He then goes out again to continue an activity aimed at entertaining nine-year-olds as the scene finally ends.

Later at the clinic, he runs into the sister again as she’d dropping off Danny. She complains about how taking care of his brother is blocking her sex life, being so subtle as to say that he could ask her on a date. After obviously being in a trance where he’s thinking about all the balls he’s had in his mouth for the last five years, Johnny finally catches on and asks her to go for coffee tomorrow night. She says she can’t because she works, but asks him if he’s free tonight instead. He’s not, so they both sit for a couple of minutes in confused silence, looking so stumped that you would think someone had just asked them to solve a calculus problem. You know, there are more nights in your future than tonight and tomorrow. How about the next night after that, you moron? But instead of making that rather obvious suggestion, Johnny tells her to go sit by a tree as he runs inside the clinic and gets them coffee in an impromptu date. The romance continues in a conversation over coffee that, like their interaction in general, is brief, awkward, and ultimately pointless.

After a quick and entirely unnecessary scene where Johnny and his coworker Steve explain that they’re going to fix up the old car that Red picked out for Johnny, which is EXACTLY what Red had implied in the previous scene on the subject, it goes right back to the clinic where Johnny gives Danny a book on cars, trying to tell him that if he keeps reaching for the stars, he can one day endanger his life needlessly as well. Danny then reveals the movie’s shockingly unpredictable twist: he’s in a wheelchair because he and his father where in an accident where they were hit by a street racer. Guess who hit them? Well, that’s pretty shocking provided that you don’t remember the accident scene at the beginning of the movie where they show Danny in the SUV that gets hit. But do you mean to tell me that they assigned this asshole to the clinic where his victim is recovering? And no one thought that might be inappropriate for everyone involved?

With his conscience weighing heavily on his shoulders, Johnny decides the only way to feel better is to get back to training at the go-kart track while the shitty love-child of Limp Bizkit and POD plays a jazzy tune in the background. Really? We have to sit through this insanity again? Are you fucking kidding me? This time the racing scene goes on even longer, which somehow achieves the admirable feat of making it even less impressive to watch. It’s just fucking tedious. Needing a break from the six mile per hour adrenaline rush, Johnny pits again to discover Red in a racing suit and a go-kart of his own. Not content to simply sit on the sidelines and shout painfully elementary observations at him, Red has apparently decided to rise up to present Johnny with a confused and likely incontinent challenge. The two of them then race around the track together and again the shots are all at ground level, which not only makes it look like slow moving affair, but also makes it nearly impossible to tell who’s winning half the time. And really, it doesn’t matter. Jesus, I don’t think I have the faculties to continue laughing much longer before this assault causes my nervous system to shut down altogether. All I can think of now is Jack Nicholson standing over my corpse as I appear in a commercial for Joker products. Fuck…enough. It seems to go on forever, even though they only race for exactly forty seven seconds before they pit again. At that point Red gives more useless advice about “cooking the breaks” before they head back out onto the track again. FUCK, NO MORE PLEASE. This time they race for sixty four seconds before they pit again and Red declares that’s enough for today, he’s beat. What? Two minutes of driving on an amusement ride designed for children tires you out?

Picture above: Red and Johnny. Not pictured: shame.

The movie then goes back to the junkyard where we finally get the much anticipated ‘building the car’ montage, which is only the first scene in a sequence of unbridled stupidity. Seconds later, we see Johnny with his newly built Subaru Impreza, complete with a perfect body and paint job. How the fuck did they do the body work that fast? But before we can think too much about it, Johnny takes it out for a spin where he drives it back and forth on the same two lane highway that we’ve seen a dozen times by now, doing e-brake slides all over the goddamn place even though you can see other traffic coming on the highway. After a ridiculous amount of sliding around which appears to be accomplishing nothing, Johnny yells shit for no apparent reason. And the next moment, he’s back at the junkyard where Red tells Johnny that he’s seen lots of people wrap cars like that around telephone poles trying to beat Mickey. What? He knows Mickey? Not only personally, but of his actual racing history? Why didn’t he know who Johnny was then, since he and Mickey were friends? Once Red finishes his uninspiring speech, Red declares that Johnny built the car, so he owns it. He then stalks off leaving Steve to tell Johnny that Red must really like him, probably because he reminds Red of his dead son who had cancer. Sure. Why not? Now that we’re reaching the end, let’s add an element to the story that serves no purpose whatsoever.

Part IV: The Road To Redemption Goes Through Asstown and Retardedville

With the stage finally set for his ultimate redemption, the movie turns back to the same shitty bar where all the town’s racers hang out again, as Johnny and Red stroll in to confront Mickey. Johnny declares that he’s here for a rematch, dropping the gauntlet like this movie did his acting career. At that point, Red steps in to declare the terms of the match. Three days. Abandoned warehouse district so no one gets hurt. Johnny, Mickey, and a startling lack of talent. Be there or be…um…probably pretty smart, actually. But of course, Mickey agrees to the terms, and fairly obnoxiously at that.

The movie turns back to the clinic, as Danny and Kelly are there for the first time with their father. The moment that Johnny walks in, he instantly recognizes him and explodes, punches him square in the face. Realizing that his facade is ruined and with no defense for his actions, Johnny runs outside to sob in the parking lot. Kelly follows him, demanding to know the truth before giving him a good lecture. Trying to explain himself, Johnny says that he didn’t know what to do. You know, no shit. Let’s take a moment to look at this. As much as the actions that got him here in the first place were deplorable, what could he have possibly done differently once he got out of prison? The guy was fucking assigned there. He didn’t choose to come hang out. And this is cemented a moment later when the therapist is explaining to the irate father that they knew who he was, but they’re short on volunteers and Danny seemed to respond well to him. So not only did the parole board know where they were sending him, but the fucking clinic knew who he was not only when they accepted him but when they encouraged him to work with Danny. What the fuck is that? But back outside, Kelly gives him a very convenient path to redemption, telling him that if he really wants to make things better, get the money needed to pay for his therapy. I wonder what he’ll do now?

Later that night, Briggs tracks down Johnny to give him an ultimatum. He must win the race. Wow. And here I thought he was trying to lose. What a fucking useful scene.

It's a little known fact, but aside from driving fast, the only other thing that will assure a victory in any contest is a racing stripe.

The next day Johnny pulls into the junkyard in his car, which is now covered in decals. When the fuck was that done? And why? Did he honestly have that much free time on his hands? Red gives him a lecture on how this whole thing isn’t about the race, it’s about something else, which ends with, “you fuck it up, you fix it”. Fuck, that dude is so inspirational. And to continue proving how useful he is, Red soon goes to visit Briggs, telling him that he knows what’s going on and demanding that Briggs give Johnny a break, asking him to stop the race. He’s so goddamn inspirational that Briggs plays innocent for a minute until before launching into a tirade, saying that one call from him and Johnny will go missing, the girl and her family will go missing, and Red’s shop will go up in flames. Wow, that really helped the situation. His work totally done, Red leaves and gets back to the junkyard as Johnny is giving his car a last check and decides to finish off the scene in style:

Red: “I’m going to go take a dump.”

Johnny: “Well hurry up.”

Red: “You can’t hurry a sizzler.”

Awesome. It’s nice to know that it’s not just me that might shit their pants after witnessing this man’s role in the movie. After Steve wishes him luck, Briggs shows up again and this time tell Johnny that he now stands to make a shitload more money if he loses, so he has to throw the race. See, now that makes sense. Now he’s conflicted and doesn’t know what to do, which is the standard plot device in these situations. Telling him earlier that he had to win when he had already intended on doing so was awesome, but pointless.

This car probably costs more money than it took to make this film.

Now to the race! For the first time this actually appears to look like an actual illegal street race as it’s taking place at night. But before we get to the action, we start with several scenes that I highly suspect are stock footage of shitheads and their cars, just standing or driving around with their ground effects. As we get to the action, Johnny pulls up to meet Mickey and Red outlines the course. Go right, right, right and then right again. First one back wins. Wow, that’s a complicated track. And one whole lap? As Kenny Loggins would say, you guys are on the Highway to the Danger Zone. As they sit in their cars at the starting line waiting to take off, Steve pulls up to Johnny’s passenger window with Danny and Kelly. Steve had explained the situation with Briggs to them, so they are now there to give their support. Everything’s totally cool now. Sure, why not?

We just gained knowledge that's in no way relevant to why we were angry with you in the first place, so now WE LOVE YOU JOHNNY!

When the race begins, they tear off down the dark street in rather dramatic fashion, as long as you consider recreating two elderly motorists pulling away from a red light to be dramatic. Moments after they start, a dude in a random fucking helicopter overhead spots them and declares, “Now we’ve got some action!” The dude then starts giving fucking commentary as the race progresses. Wait, who the fuck is this guy? Are you honestly trying to tell me that on any given night, this city has a helicopter flying around looking for illegal street races so that it can provide play-by-play commentary to no one!? And someone this dude even guesses that Mickey has the advantage in horsepower. How the fuck would this guy know that just by looking at them from a helicopter in the middle of the night? As the shitty race continues, the helicopter declares that the only way Johnny can win is if he overtakes Mickey on the last corner. Like Luke Skywalker on his Death Star trench run in A New Hope, Johnny hears the words of Red in his head, telling him that straight lines are for fast cars, corners are for fast drivers. Inspired by the obvious, Johnny manages to take the corner better than Mickey does and wins the race. Less than three minutes after it started, it’s all over. That’s it? That’s the climactic race? With that kind of quality, I’m surprised the scene didn’t consist of the two actors sitting in stationary cars spliced with footage of two hands pushing Hot Wheels around a track made of cardboard.

If Red specifically chose this course because it's in an abandoned area where no one can get hurt, why is there oncoming traffic?

Mickey pulls up next to Johnny after the race and congratulates him, telling him no hard feelings. He says “until next time” to Johnny, kind of implying that they would race again at some point, to which Johnny does not disagree. Wow, you really didn’t learn anything through the duration of this film, did you? Once Mickey pulls away, Derek walks up to Johnny’s window and gives him the ten grand that he won. Johnny gets out of his car to celebrate with his gang of supporters, giving the money to Danny to pay for his therapy and ensuring that he’ll get into Kelly’s pants later that night. But we can’t end a scene like this. No, it’s time now for some officially Asylum trademarked insanity. As the gang celebrates, another street race is beginning a few feet away from them. And just as those two cars start to screech off, Briggs comes striding around a corner, coming over to yell at Johnny. And of course, Briggs gets nailed by one of the fucking cars through the magic of bad special effects. Are you shitting me? He didn’t see or hear the two fucking cars coming right at him? As they realize what’s just happened, everyone at the event starts to scatter as sirens start blaring about four seconds later and the scene fades to black. Wow.

Before the credits roll, the movie wants to punch you in the face one last time.

Five months later, Johnny is loading Danny into go-kart back at the track as he’s finally progressed enough to become a menace to society himself. But just as he’s ready to burn off, Johnny and Kelly reveal that they have one more surprise for him. They bring in a young girl who’s apparently going to teach him how to drive. I’d love to know how vast her knowledge is at twelve, but frankly I don’t care by this point. The preteen sexual tension is palpable, even though her line delivery is as quiet as it is terrible. Yeah, there’s nothing like setting up your crippled younger brother to get laid. As the two kids start racing around the track, Johnny and Kelly smooch to bring the movie to a merciful end.

The Verdict:

Donkey: While it doesn’t have a few of the hallmarks that have made Asylum movies so great, like dialogue that was recorded next to a turbine or a cast that thinks acting talent is directly proportional to screaming level, it does feature a main character with an unforgettable name (due to everyone repeating it about five hundred times per hour) being guided by a mentor who passed out sagely advice like broth at a soup kitchen while forcing his pupil to go through a training program that a toddler would describe as insanely inappropriate. And it takes balls to make a movie about racing where all your race scenes are shorter and more badly done than a pimply teenager losing his virginity. I give this movie four and a half Johnny Johnny Johnny’s out of five laps around the go-kart track.

What We Learned:

Donkey: I’ll always be grateful to this film for validating the years of painstaking research that I’ve done into the highly scientific equation “WIN RACE = GO FASTER”. But even more profoundly, I’ll never forget that try as you might, you can’t rush a sizzler. Thanks, Red.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: A videogame that no one knows is brought to life by people you’ve never heard of with a story that you couldn’t possibly comprehend in…FIST OF THE NORTH STAR.

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