I can feel it, alright. Right in the scrotum.

Donkey: If the movie Twins taught us only one lesson, it’s that surly dwarves guiding over-sized man-children though the pratfalls of day to day existence under the guise of miraculously being closer in relation than an army ant and a line dancing animatronic Billy Ray Cyrus from the future can be mildly amusing. And in the land of Hollywood, that mild amusement somehow translates into consent for the these same two fellows to rape our collective brains with a movie about said over-sized man-child carrying a baby in the horribly muscle-bound death cage that he calls a womb. If it taught us two things, which is kind of a stretch by anyone’s measure, it would be that apart from thanklessly and often needlessly killing things, Arnold Schwarzenegger is only good for laughing at himself, which I have to give him credit for. After all, despite being a horrible flop at the box office, I think Last Action Hero is one of his funniest and overall best movies. But if you had to try to pull a third lesson from its near lifeless claws of comic mediocrity, you could say that it reinforced the notion that twin siblings share a special bond that can never be broken.

Like JCVD, or Jesus herpes if you will, that’s a bond that I’ll never get to experience. Being the middle child of three boys, I can certainly relate to having siblings, but neither of them are as close as a twin; quite the opposite, actually. Unbearably pompous, undeniably loathsome, and unashamed of publicly simmering in a stew of their own droopy old man balls and blatant inadequacy, I prefer to keep my brothers about as close to me a jar of hissing scorpions with AIDS-filled stingers. Can’t wait to see you at Christmas, motherfuckers! But unlike me, some tiny little detail like reality is not going to stop JCVD from unleashing double the Van Dammage upon the Earth. And while a council of top scientists has confirmed that actually having two JCVDs in the world would cause it to collapse upon itself in the inevitable black hole of awesomeness that would be created, poorly executed movie magic is perfect for simulating those disaster conditions. So with that, let’s take a closer look at Double Impact.

(Editor’s note: Since many people are about as good at spotting sarcasm as they are a Sasquatch, I’ll state for the record that everything I said about my brothers was actually a lie. We’re actually quite close. Well, except for the old man balls thing. That’s totally true.)

The Plot:

Donkey: Separated at birth after their parents are betrayed and murdered by a business associate, the twin brothers Van Damme are reunited 25 years later to exact their revenge and claim what’s rightfully theirs. But before they can take on the Hong Kong underworld, they’ll have to find a way to put aside their comically mismatched dong punching differences and collective inability to form a coherent thought to work together as a team.

So in other words, it’s kind of like a buddy-cop film with less Danny Glover and more Van Damme giving himself a high five for two straight hours. If that doesn’t tickle your sense of awesome, then you’ve clearly replaced your ball sack with a hot cheddar cheese pump. And while that might ensure that you’re a hit at the next Superbowl party you go to, eventually the nachos will run out leaving you to realize that you’ve chosen poorly.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Exhibit A: Betrayal Is A Dish Best Served Phenomenally Confusing

Papa Van Damme (right) laments over how much more money he could have made selling giant novelty scissors for ribbon-cutting ceremonies.

Donkey: Our cinematic adventure this week begins with the motivation behind JCVD’s ball showcasing splits of glory by detailing the epic downfall of his parents. We’re introduced to them at the same time as the movie reveals the object of pure desire that they are betrayed and killed for. But in an epic journey featuring a lethal dose of sweetness such as this, what could possibly stand as a grand enough prize for those involved? A fortune of lost pirates’ gold? The world’s most priceless piece of art? A freight train full of diamonds laced with heroin? Fuck that. This movie steps it up a notch with…a tunnel. That’s right; the central conflict of this movie is going to be based around a public transportation project. Specifically it’s the new Victoria Harbor Tunnel in Hong Kong. After witnessing the ribbon cutting ceremony performed by Papa Van Damme and his business partner, Griffith, we warp to that night as the twin babies of ultimate destruction are being driven home by their parents, who send their family bodyguard, Frank, home for the night. But just after their cars part ways, Papa VD notices that they are being followed. Upon hearing the news, Frank realizes that trouble is afoot and races to catch up to them. But before he can reach them, the family pulls into the driveway of their home to find a group of men waiting for them whom quickly open fire, eventually killing the Papa VD and the Invincible Vagina (so named because popping two JCVDs out of that thing is a task no mortal vagina could handle). But before they can finish the job and assassinate the Wonder Twins in the back of the car, Frank pulls up and opens fire, holding them at bay long enough for the family’s nanny to flee with one of the kids. Grabbing the other child himself, Frank darts through nearby bushes to escape, pausing only momentarily to discover Papa VD’s business partner, Griffith, just hanging around and watching the assassination, because apparently establishing an alibi is for chumps. The prologue ends with the nanny dropping off the one child at an orphanage run by French nuns, giving us a convenient excuse for JCVD’s accent. Meanwhile, apparently uninterested in spending so much as 10 minutes looking for the other child, Frank heads back to the US to raise the one boy himself.

Exhibit B: Brother, Can You Spare A Dime? And Maybe Put Those Goddamn Balls Away?

I don't think it's possible to showcase your balls any better than that.

25 years later, we journey into the synth-pop hustle and bustle of LA in the early 90’s where we discover JCVD 1, or Chad, running a gym/martial arts dojo/gay pride parade planning facility, covering for his obviously flamboyant lifestyle by lecturing women on the importance of stretching while literally doing the splits and bouncing his balls on the floor in front of them in the expressed purpose of impressing them. But as the women drool over the image of what could be the ultimate tea bagging experience, Frank interrupts and asks him to go take care of a problem in one of their karate classes. As he gets up to assure Frank that he’s got everything under control, we get to see that JCVD’s tight pastel blue leotard is giving him fucking ball cleavage, or dude camel toe. I would try to describe to you the horror of this sight, but until human language produces a word that causes both your brain and scrotum to burst upon utterance, I’m afraid I’m destined to fail in any attempt. So instead I can only assure you that I just threw up in my mouth even in merely remembering this scene. But after going in to the karate class kick a new recruit in the face for being a douche and trying to prove how badass he is by beating on fellow class members (which would get you summarily removed from any self-respecting martial arts organization), Chad is called up to the office where Frank has just finished meeting with a private investigator who found the lost twin brother, JCVD 2. Frank then takes the opportunity to reveal that he’s not actually Chad’s uncle, and that while he was raised in France, Chad wasn’t born there (keep in mind he doesn’t give a single reason for raising him in France, other than yet another convenient reason for the accent). But as Chad reels from the information that he probably should have been given years ago, Frank asks simply that Chad trust him, and just like that, they’re off to Hong Kong.

I stand corrected.

Once they land, Frank and Chad don’t bother to fuck around and instead jump straight into a cab heading to a Mahjong Parlor run by the other Van Damme, the twin known as Alex. They arrive shortly after a scene of Chad pointing out random markets and lights that don’t mean much of anything, which you wouldn’t think would impress a guy from LA unless he’s certifiably rubberheaded, and head straight into the joint. Chad, wearing an awesome pastel green shirt and pink short shorts, is immediately mistaken for Alex by everyone around them, including Alex’s girlfriend, Danielle, who seductively invites Chad into the back office for some sweet 80’s loving – which basically means that they’re going to bury their faces in one another’s teased and Debbie Gibson’s signature perfume Electric Youth-scented pubic hair for 7 minutes before lying in bed and watching Dynasty. Complementing his new look, which means that she’s either blind or into walking punch lines, Danielle undoes his pink shorts and grabs inside at his silk underwear, going straight for the goods. He urges her on, reassuring her that he has a big surprise, nay, a huge surprise in there waiting for her. Unless it’s a vagina, I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on that one. But just as she starts to enter into a thumb wrestling contest with his little Van Dammage, Alex taps Chad on the shoulder, waits until he turns around, and knocks him out with one punch.

Hey there, sexy. Come back and show me how far those ride up.

As Chad begins to slowly regain consciousness, he can hear Alex and Danielle arguing through the haze about her indiscretion with Chad, as she naturally says that it was a harmless mistake since she no one knew Alex had a twin and he indignantly responds that they could never be mistaken for one another because Chad looks like a “faggot”. Wow. We’re not pulling any punches, huh? The only way that could have been better is if Van Damme had proclaimed that while in blackface. But as Chad sits up and remembers where his is, Frank steps in and diffuses the situation, making the highly scientific case that the two brothers are twins by insisting that they just look at each other. Once they finally settle down, he explains that he used to work for their father, whom ran into money trouble half way through building the famous Hong Kong tunnel project. To help him fund the completion of the project, he had brought in Griffith, whom in turn had got his money from the Zhang crime family. Once construction was done, Griffith and Zhang had their parents wiped out so that they could take sole possession. Sole possession…of a tunnel. Frank urges the brothers to work together, take their revenge on Griffith and the Zhang family, and claim what’s rightfully theirs – a goddamn tunnel. Unconvinced that they can accomplish that on their own, Alex offers to show them some “real action” to see what they’re made of.

You couldn't have this look any worse if one of them was bathed in sunlight.

Exhibit C: Wonder Twin Powers, Activate! Form Of…Gratuitous Ego Masturbation!

Yes Chad, you're both pirates. One of you is just a little more literal than the other.

The next day Frank and the brothers find themselves on Alex’s boat in the middle of the Hong Kong harbor, in pursuit of this so called “real action”, which turns out to be smuggling Mercedes cars with trunks full of smokes and shitty VCRs to Chinese buyers. But just as the buy is finishing, the Hong Kong marine police suddenly declare over a bullhorn that they are all under arrest, taking them all by surprise. Of course, I’m not really sure how none of them managed to see them coming a long time ago. After all, they’re in fucking boats in the open water, so it’s pretty hard to sneak up on anyone, even one of JCVD’s famous stealth boats. Accusing Alex of setting them up, the buyers turn their guns on him and the others, causing a melee to ensue. After summarily pitching the random thugs overboard with their combined powers of rad, the brothers turn their attention to fleeing from the swiftly incoming cops. But once they realize that they’re not making a fast enough getaway, Chad and Frank roll the cars off the back of the boat, landing in the water between them and the cops, before shooting in their general direction and somehow causing them to explode, creating a flaming barrier. And of course, rather than just going around them and continuing the pursuit, this rather tiny obstacle is deemed insurmountable by the cops, who simply let the twins escape. Such action! Are we the only ones looking for the socks that this movie just blew off our goddamn feet?

The film then moves to an outdoor café where we’re forced to watch a woman decapitate and gut a live frog before returning to the brothers. Thanks, Double Impact! I was totally looking for something to bum me out just to balance out the incredible high that this film has had me riding. After declaring that the incident in the harbor has established their credentials for being certified bad-asses, or possibly as dental hygienists, Frank asks the brothers what they plan to do about the tunnel. Being the only one in the group who’s not legally retarded, Danielle asks Frank if there’s any record of the twins’ parents owning the tunnel, to which Frank claims that there doesn’t need to be because he was there and has the scars to prove it. But when she naturally points out that bat-shit crazy exposition is inadmissible as evidence in a court of law, Frank gives her an angry lecture on how Zhang only understands one kind of justice, the law of the shotgun. So…he’s from Alabama? Doing what any reasonable person would do in the face of what appears to be the drunken ranting of an insane drifter, Danielle storms off, prompting Frank to ask what her problem is, like SHE’S the one being the insufferable douche bag. Alex reveals that she’s been working for Griffith for 5 years now before chasing after her, assuring her that while the old man is crazy, she should quietly check on what he’s claiming anyways.

The only justice Zhang knows is street justice! That's why we have to assemble a dance crew and make sure he gets served, bi-otch!

Here, put on a coat dear, or you'll catch a cold.

From there Chad gets into a cab alone and goes back to…God knows where, only to be grabbed by a group of mobsters who mistake him for Alex. They throw him into a waiting car with Zhang and his Mini-boss head thug, Bolo Yeung, or as most people know him, Chong Li from Bloodsport. And since this movie doesn’t bother to give him a name, that’s what I’m going to continue to call him. Oh, wait, looked it up on IMDB…his name is Moon? Right, Chong Li it is. Trying his best to look like an evil overlord, Zhang makes a pitch to recruit Chad to sell coke for him rather than smuggle cars for himself while pulling a cigar out of the wooden stogie box that Frank gave JCVD’s father as a gift on the night of his death. Of course, tying to look like an evil overlord might actually work if you had the basic cranial capacity required to remove the monogrammed initials off of the goddamn cigar box you’re carrying. And of course as they arrive at an empty shipping yard, Chad recognizes the initials on the box just before he’s pulled from the car and is given the complete details of a freighter that will be waiting there on Thursday for an impending drug deal. Zhang tells him that all Chad needs to do is pick up the boat and bring it over to his dock. Chad’s elegant response is a simple, “go fuck yourself”. And seeing as this kind of response to a crime boss usually results in someone giving a blowjob to a berretta, it’s no surprise when a crowd a Zhang’s goons gathers around Chad in anticipation, watching eagerly as Chong Li takes the honors of beating Chad into unconsciousness and throwing him into an empty shipping container. That container is then put on a truck, driven into town, and opened just long enough to throw him into the streets.

Once Chad drags his bruised and battered body clad in a ridiculous green suede jacket back into Alex’s place, Frank grills him for what little information he can about the attackers before asking the brothers if they’re finally in or what. With an awesome blue screen image that in no way looks like it was spliced together by a film school dropout using Elmer’s glue while wearing oven mitts, they both proclaim that they’re in. Fuck yeah!

As different as they may seem, ask a basic math question and they'll both give you the same expression.

Exhibit D: Revenge Takes A Back Seat To Picturing My Brother’s Ass

Ouch! Time-out, guys! I landed on my keys!

To prepare for their upcoming war with the Zhang crime family, Alex guides Chad and Frank to their new base of operations, a dilapidated and abandoned hotel on a small island. As they sail along on his garbage barge of a boat, he gets a call from Danielle. She lets him know that while she was snooping around the files in her office, she was interrupted by Griffith’s suspicious muscle-bound female bodyguard, Kara. Alex thinks little of it as he docks the boat and escorts Chad and Frank to the hotel. Later that night they take a moment to prepare their arsenal before carrying out an assault on the drug deal that Zhang had conveniently detailed to Chad. That assault, like the rest of the movie, has about as much substance as an Andy Dick doctoral thesis. The brothers sneak up to the location Metal Gear Solid style before Alex sneaks around and plants plastic explosives while Chad keeps acts as a guard. That is until Chad gets slightly impatient, wanders directly into the midst of the enemies, and kicks the first dude he sees in the face. This, of course, alerts the entire site to their presence and sparks a fire fight of epically underwhelming proportions, featuring Alex rolling around awkwardly on the floor while firing dual pistols at faceless goons while Chad manages to end up at the business end of the laser sight of a thug who literally takes far too long to decide to maybe get around to shooting before he’s taken out by Frank’s sniper rifle. Eventually Alex steals a truck and with Chad hanging off the side of it, they get out range before Frank detonates the bombs and blows the whole thing sky high.

When you had that dude from Cake Boss cater this affair, you didn't explain that's a ship full of drugs, did you?

With the first part of their ham-fisted assault complete, it’s time to go for the gold. After meeting with Danielle and finding out that Griffith will be at a nightclub called the Climax Club that evening, which just happens to be owned by Zhang, the brothers spring into action. The movie transitions to the club that night where we see Griffith and Zhang meeting with the heads of their crime family, toasting a new method of shipping drugs while sitting around what appears to be a massive cake in the shape of a freighter carrying drugs. As Alex wanders into the front door and tells the nearest mullet-sporting goon that he can find that he has the case of booze that Griffith has been asking for, Zhang and Griffith are accuse some poor bastard in their own group of sabotaging the drug deal the previous night before having Kara kill him with a single stab to the chest while flexing her ladyballs. Yeah, you just gave all the details of your drug deal to someone who then turned around and told you to go fuck yourself and it’s this guy who must have fucked you over. With deductive skills like that, I’d be surprised if these two ass clowns could manage to peddle Twinkies in a fat camp. But just after the exceptionally needless killing, Griffith and Zhang are given the case of booze that Alex delivered, prompting them to finally realize that Alex knew about the drugs and demand to have him brought to them. Of course, if they had half a goddamn brain between them, they might suspect at that point that the case of “booze” is actually “a big fucking bomb”, or at the very least think to check it out. But while Alex and Frank wait nervously, blending into the crowd in the club’s main room, Griffith and Zhang’s mullet-clad goon emerges just in time to meet Chad as he wanders in from another entrance with another case. The goon insists that Chad come to the back, but rather than following, Chad hits the deck as Frank detonates the first package, which, even though it’s sitting on a table mere feet away from Zhang and Griffith, manages to explode and not give anyone in the room so much as a splinter. But of course, this causes quite a commotion, so Chad and Alex start focusing their destructive power on a wave of random goons. Then just as they’re about to leave, Zhang and Griffith emerge from the back in time to see both brothers standing together and realize that they’re dealing with twins. As the two groups share an awkward moment, Kara notices the second case sitting on the dance floor and yells a warning, prompting them all to flee the club before it goes off in a massive explosion that’s hilariously disproportionate to the first one. Apparently one box was packed with C4 and the other was a pack of Mentos and some goddamn Diet Coke.

This might be hot if I weren't so sure her balls were bigger than mine.

Seeing as how the brothers have been caught making an attempt on Zhang and Griffith’s lives, it only makes sense that the very next day, Danielle resumes her snooping around Griffith’s records. Of course she’s once again caught by Kara, whom decides to make sure that Danielle isn’t hiding anything by frisking/molesting her. But before we can cheer on some chick rape, Danielle bolts and the scene ends. She immediately calls back to the brothers’ Hidden Fortress of Alternative Lifestyles where she reaches Chad, who’s in the kitchen making a huge batch of plain noodles while Alex and Frank are off chopping wood in the jungle. As Danielle tells him that she’s found a document to support their claim and that she’s in real trouble now, Griffith and Zhang naturally listen in on the conversation from a phone in his office. Assuring her that everything will be okay, Chad tells her to go to Alex’s Mahjong Parlor and they’ll meet her there. He runs outside looking for others, giving up after 8 seconds and taking the boat. He meets Danielle as promised, only to have Kara and a group of thugs invade the Mahjong Parlor moments later, pursuing them through the streets of Hong Kong and over a series of boats until the two heroes dive in the water and make a getaway on Alex’s garbage barge. While all this is going on, Alex somehow knows to call back to his office to talk to the duo, but ends up being hung up on when place is raided. This leads him down the path of jealous rage that is no way completely fucking psychotic.

Two things happen at this point. First, as Chad and Danielle slowly tugboat their way back to the island fortress, Kara proves to be the only person in this movie capable of forming a coherent thought as she jumps into a helicopter and follows the two of them, suspecting which island they may be going to and then having the confirmed when Frank comes wandering out of the hotel to stand like a fucking idiot and stare up at the helicopter as it flies by. And second, after a needless titty scene where Danielle gets changed into fresh clothes, the movie alternates between the Chad and Danielle sailing back in quiet sexual tension and Alex rampaging around the hotel while envisioning a low quality softcore porn scene of his brother having sex with his girlfriend. To really appreciate that, you have to stop and remind yourself that at this point JCVD is now engaging in a long dream sex involving…JCVD. I can’t help but think at this point that if Van Damme was in Burger King and really could have it his way, there wouldn’t be a woman in this scene at all…just two Van Dammes, locked in an embrace of unbridles passion and awesomeness.

Van Damme, thinking about a woman making love to Van Damme, gets so excited that the semen has to come out somewhere.

Eventually, once this ridiculously long scene of JCVD imaging his own ass pounding into his girlfriend is finished, Chad and Danielle finally make it back to the hotel to find Alex completely wasted. He accuses them of fucking, of course. But once the blonde points out that he’s drunk, he drops her with one hard slap. Awesome. So again, just to review, he are now supposed to be cheering for two brothers, one of which is a petty, vicious woman-beater who flies into a violent rage when he simply imagines his girlfriend with another dude. But anyways, Chad kicks him in the face in retaliation, much to our delight, and the single greatest fight of all time begins. It’s JCVD versus JCVD in an all out Battle Royale. But disappointingly, it only last a few moments before Frank comes in a breaks it up. But when Frank dismisses Alex being completely fucking insane as being a mere result of simply being drunk, Alex compounds his position by saying:

Alex: “Maybe I’m drunk. Tomorrow I’ll be sober. But he’ll always be a faggot.”

Wow. Seriously? I’m actually supposed to want this guy to not trip and fall penis first into a wood chipper? Anyways, the scene ends with both brothers huffing and puffing indignantly and in equally retarded fashions before going their separate ways. Alex gives a rant about no one being there for him when he was on the streets while Chad runs into the black of night, swearing that he’s going to swim back to LA.

Exhibit E: Van Dammes! Merge To Become…Useless-Tit-icon!

That's right, Mr. Lehey. Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles are running the trailer park while you're here. What do you think of that?

The next morning both brothers wake up from having slept outside at various distances away from the hotel and look over just in time to see Kara and Zhang sending a battalion of guerilla solders to storm their fortress. But before they can join in the fight, Frank and Danielle are captured and taken away in a helicopter, leaving only a handful of soldiers, or fodder if you will, behind to patrol the area. Of course Chad and Alex make short work of those poor bastards, dealing with them swiftly as the helicopter carrying their captured comrades arrives at a shipping yard. Once they eventually meet, the brothers interrogate the sole survivor of their wrath, grilling him for the location that Zhang has fled to, while Zhang and Griffiths likewise torture Frank by beating on him and blasting him with steam, more for fun than for gathering information of any kind.

With that, we’ve once again reached that very familiar part of the movie, the climactic final battle. It begins with the two JCVD’s sneaking onto the boat where Griffith and Zhang are hiding, stabbing and neck-breaking their way in. They slowly work their way down through the bowels of the freighter, eventually ending up in a firefight that alerts everyone to their presence. With the game now officially afoot, Griffith gets on an intercom and allows them to hear Frank scream like a little girl that they’re being held in the boiler room while being blasted with more steam. And just to up the ante, they go even further and fake shooting Frank over the intercom, which causes Chad to freak out, screaming like he’s just been violated by a hippopotamus before getting on an intercom himself, swearing to Griffiths that he’s dead. A series of very predictable scenes then follows, involving the brothers shooting random dudes before we finally end up with a series of mini-boss battles:

Mini-Boss 1 – Italian Karate Cowboy…Seriously: First up, Alex ends up fighting some this random Italian dude wearing a suit with spurs on his boots. They flip through semi-darkness like a couple of gymnasts on E, doing what I suppose is supposed to be some kind of fighting until finally Alex beats him to death. Short, sweet, pointless.

The not-quite-so-ultimate opponent: a greasy Italian in a cheap suit.

Chong Li's attempts at intimidation might have been taken a little more seriously had someone not told him the world's most hilarious knock knock joke only moments earlier.

Mini-Boss 2 – Bloodsport II: The second fight is a rematch of an epic battle from a previous film, as Chad fights Chong Li. If he beats him after having dust thrown in his eyes again, I might just shit my pants laughing. But instead, the fight begins with Chong Li wasting a lot of energy by throwing heavy barrels at Chad, like some kind of shitty version of Donkey Kong, until Chad finally matches the stupidity by trying to stop a barrel that’s flying at him by kicking it, rather than just stepping out of the way. Chong Li then pins Chad to the ground with a barrel and tries to squish him while smiling like a rapist. Eventually Chad escapes and they slowly make their way into another room where, after ripping Chad’s shirt off, Chong Li takes his own off before giving a dramatically goofy flex pose. They finally begin an actual martial arts battle which at best could be described as very uninspired, before Chad finally unleashes a remarkable 6 straight flying splits kicks, causing Chong Li to fly into an open electrical panel (Looks like Blombo’s been working on that site). But not only is Chong Li is electrocuted, but sparks also fly as he falls to the floor, lighting a random trail of fuel that leads back to barrels of what one has to guess is pure gasoline. Realizing that he’s standing in the middle of this field of barrels, JCVD gives us the classic run and jump slow-mo scene, diving away from the fire even though it should have still enveloped him.

Despite Chong Li trying to sell it like it has already knocked out four teeth, there's no way this kick could actually hit him. And nice junk shot, by the way.

Mini-Boss 3 – She-male Of Doom: After Chad’s explosion rips through the ship, Griffith gets a call advising that no one could have lived through that and that he should leave the ship immediately. Leaving Danielle and Frank alone with Kara and some random thug, he and Zhang do exactly that. But just as they leave, Alex wanders onto the scene, takes out the random thug, before giving his woman-beating tendencies free reign by engaging in a vicious fight against Kara. The greatest moment of the fight comes when at one point Kara, for reasons I’ll never know, grabs him by the cock. She doesn’t punch him in it, mind you. Just grabs it, which means that both female leads in this movie have been forced to touch his junk. And I have to totally believe that was JCVD’s idea when it came to the script. You can almost hear it in your head, can’t you? “Let’s have her touch my dick. No, no reason. I just want her to touch my dick. Now agree with me before I make you touch my dick. That’s what I thought. Hurray for my dick!” But anyways, eventually Alex stabs her with a knife that she produces, killing her just as Chad appears.

Final Bosses – A Battle Against Utter Disappointment: With everyone else dead, Griffith and Zhang try their best to flee the boat while the brothers take off in hot pursuit. As one would guess, since there are two brothers and two villains, they end up splitting up and each following a nemesis of their own. Alex races off after Zhang, for some reason leaving Danielle alone with Chad as they run after Griffith. When they eventually catch up to their prey, the fights involving both brothers are horribly, horribly uninteresting. First, Chad and Danielle follow Griffith into an area tightly packed shipping containers. They lose him, and eventually slowly walk into a small dead end. As they wonder what to do, Griffith fires up a forklift behind them and slowly begins to drive towards them while carrying a cargo container above their heads. With nowhere to go, all Chad can do is stuff Danielle into the one tiny hole between two of the containers that make up a side wall before running away and diving into the water behind him. Griffith then decides that the best thing to do is get down and stand by the water, firing his gun randomly into the water. But even better than this idiocy is that Chad then suddenly appears back at the controls of the forklift behind him. How the fuck he got up there, the movie doesn’t say. We’ll just say that he was picked up and flown there by a unicorn, because it makes as much sense as any other explanation. Just as Griffith turns and realizes his impending doom, Chad delivers on the anticipated disaster by dropping the container on him.

While all this is going on, Zhang and Alex end up at the top of a massive industrial crane, because yeah, why wouldn’t it be a good idea to climb up a couple of stories to an area where you can’t possibly escape when you’re being chased by someone determined to kill you? Once they both arrive at the top, Zhang blows a fire extinguisher in Alex’s face, temporarily blinding him while pulling a sword out of his cane. Remember how I said I’d laugh until I shit if Van Damme got blinded? Well, let’s just say I’ve got some laundry to do. This seems like a guaranteed death of Alex, but those of us who have seen Bloodsport know that JCVD’s no stranger to blind fighting, so no one is surprised when Alex doesn’t so much as hesitate to kick the shit out of Zhang until finally forcing his sword arm into a couple of industrial gears. And while basic brain function would dictate that his arms would be crushed flat or ripped off, this actually does little more than leave him with a bloody appendage. But regardless, it’s enough to neutralize the old man, leaving him to beg Alex to make a deal. The rebuttal, of course, comes in the form of Alex dropping Zhang over the side to his plummeting death.

I can't think of a shot to end the movie on that will haunt my dreams more.

And that, as they say, is that. With all the villains dead and everything right in the world, JCVD and JCVD meet up again, sharing a sweet face to face while forcing the blue screen budget of this movie into overdrive, before locking into a death grip hug of awesomeness that would put a grizzly to shame. Danielle and Frank both join them, of course, and as Alex embraces his girlfriend – a distant second on his romantic priority list behind fondling himself – they all share smiles. But while all this is so sickeningly sweet that it could only be reproduced with a few tons of high-fructose corn syrup, the real icing on the cake comes seconds later when Chad gives Alex the okay sign and it freezes on that to the sound of gunfire. FUCK YEAH.

Once again, I stand corrected.

The Verdict:

Donkey: The very basis for this entire film is astounding. They’re fighting to regain what was stolen from them…and it’s a goddamn tunnel? I don’t think anyone who was involved with making this movie has any idea how public utilities actually work. No private citizen or business can own a goddamn traffic tunnel in a civilized country. That’s simply not possible, or some eccentric CEO could just decide one day to cut off all access for no particular reason other than dancing in his own shit while singing Rebel Yell and proving that he’s goddamn insane. And even if you could actually own a tunnel, who the fuck would want it? Do you know how high the tolls on that motherfucker would have to be before you even made any money back? Those things aren’t exactly cheap to construct, so unless you’re charging $1,000 per car, you’re not going to see a profit for decades. I can’t wait for a sequel, where the brothers Van Damme battle an evil mastermind who has seized control of a municipal sewage processing plant. Everything about this movie is deliciously ridiculous, save the fighting itself which is rather disappointing. None of them felt epic, or able to stand up next to fighting a tiger before blocking an inferno with a Coke machine, if you will. I give this movie four cases of ball cleavage out of five silky junk grabs.

What We Learned:

Donkey: If JCVD were to be forced to imagine it, the only man that he could imagine a woman cheating on him with is him. I don’t know about you, but to me, that’s sounds just about right.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Sam Raimi’s first horrifyingly terrible contribution to the genre of superhero action movies, but certainly not the last, in…DARKMAN.

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