She has a heart of stone, so the only way to melt it is to add ice? Do you even know what it means to melt something?

Donkey: As our legions of regular readers have no doubt noticed (three or four people constitutes a “legion”, doesn’t it?), a rather high percentage of the movies that have made their way into our rotation are older films. In fact, I was once asked why we don’t review movies that are more current almost exclusively. The answer to that question is actually quite simple. One of the true staples of Shitty Movie Night is obscurity. Sure, we could review a movie that was just released in theaters, and we may do that at some point because, like a bi-sexual nympho with a bucket of Astroglide at an STD-free orgy, we like to keep our options open. But for the most part, this site is a love letter to those films that most people either haven’t seen or have long since forgotten. Sure, we could join the hordes of other people already taking up netspace debating over whether or not the new Star Trek movie was a brilliant re-imagining of a classic franchise or a disappointing cop out in an already very tired series, but then who would be around to warn you that The Ice Pirates will give you cancer if you expose yourself to it for too long?

With that in mind, for this week’s film we once again climbed into the Wayback Machine and journeyed into the near-distant past. Seeing as we didn’t have the girdles and halting speech pattern necessary to slingshot ourselves around the sun, we instead decided to fire up the Flux Capacitor and leave burning skid marks that followed us all the way back to the magical year of 1991. It was a magical year, dominated by a white rapper destined to redefine the way we look at music and movies. So slide into a pair of parachute pants and join us.

The Plot:

Donkey: The plot of Cool As Ice is about as fresh as an Air Supply concert, but we’re not supposed to notice because it stars the hottest act in the music industry today (so long as today is between April 12th and May 20th, 1991): Vanilla Ice. Like the vast majority of films that serve merely as a vehicle to promote someone’s fame, it blatantly steals every cliché known to man and dry humps them right before your very eyes while dropping funky dope beats, expecting you to forget that you’ve already seen this movie over a hundred times before. It’s the old tale of boy meets girl, boy tries to crotch slam girl into submission, boy gets framed for kidnapping girl’s brother, boy redeems himself with snappy one-liners and spastic dancing. That’s right, THAT same old story. But hey, at least it’s got Michael Gross in it. And as anyone who has ever seen a Tremors movie can attest to, you can only watch so many shitty movies before that guy shows up.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: We’ve got one of the greatest of the great tonight: Cool As Ice.

Donkey: This is one of the all-time champions and yet another strong contender for the greatest shitty movie we’ve ever seen.

Milobar: It really is. It’s tough to get much better than this. It’s one of the best done shitty movies, in my opinion, because they took this so seriously. They thought this was going to be a big blockbuster that people would drop their pants and jerk off in the street for.

Donkey: The movie starts with what is basically a prolonged music video. Vanilla Ice, or VI to those who know him best, is serving up a def jam in an empty warehouse. I can only hope that this is taking place in the middle of the day and the workers in the neighboring warehouses are wondering who the fuck is making that massively untalented racket.

I paid $4.95 at K-Mart for this lid, boooyyyyy!!!!

Milobar: I love the stupid fashion trend from the early 90’s that VI is sporting, where you leave the tag on the baseball cap you’re wearing. That’s so fucking fresh.

Donkey: As the shitty music video continues, we get to see VI rap in the most Caucasian way possible while performing dance moves that are to hip hop what a full epileptic seizure is to the tango. But that is also interspersed with shots of a group of people breakdancing in a circle and a female backup singer that’s there for no apparent reason. Wait…is that…Naomi Campbell?

Milobar: What is she doing in there?

Pictured above: the perfect reaction to someone betting their singing career on a Vanilla Ice movie.

Donkey: I’m going to assume that she wanted to branch out from being a supermodel and showcase her singing mediocrity to the world, and apparently she thought that a VI movie was the best place to do it. And thus the last nail was slammed into the coffin holding that singing career before it even began.

Milobar: I find it hilarious that, realistically, if he had just come to stardom a decade later, Vanilla Ice could have been Justin Timberlake. White guy, raps a little bit, dances a lot, thinks he’s all that.

Donkey: At the very least he could have sung a couple of duets with Eminem. My vote would have been for a power ballad or two.

Milobar: He must just sit at home watching MTV and just cry over what could have been. And I love the part of this opening scene where he’s singing into a trouble light.

See? My colors don't fade. That's the power of Clorox! Word!

Donkey: That’s awesome. Again, it might be sort-of-but-not-quite-cool-looking if they were actually shooting a music video, but they’re just hanging out in a warehouse. You’d have to think someone there would look over at him and say, “Dude, you know you’re singing into a fucking light, right?” Once the song finally ends, VI and his crew get ready to exit the warehouse. Just then some random chick named Monique comes up and gives VI her number, as his crew taunts him from a distance. VI must be the only who doesn’t know that this chick has crabs.

Milobar: This is such a goddamn Vanilla Ice jerk off fantasy.

Donkey: With that display of sheer animal magnetism that would give a neutered, overweight gerbil a run for his money out of the way, the crew jumps on their crotch rockets and takes a completely unmotivated ride on a highway. They don’t make any mention of where they’re going or why, but one can only guess that VI took the concept of riding off into the sunset a little too literally, as they started in the night and are still riding as the sun comes up the next day.

Milobar: Now we get one of the greatest scenes in any movie ever. As they’re driving along the highway, VI notices a girl on a horse in a field, running along beside him. He thinks to himself that he’s going to impress her with his motorcycle. And of course he decides the best way to do this is to jump his bike over the fence between them and land in front of her.

Donkey: Neither the milk that just shot out of my nose nor my prostate were ready for that display of awesometude. I’d love for someone to explain how the fuck he pulled that off. Sure the road is about a foot higher than the base of the fence, but there’s no incline that would allow him to jump that fucking bike like he did, so he should have just barreled into that fence head first.

Say, that chick's hot. This calls for something both physically impossible and immeasurably stupid.

Milobar: He lifted it with the power of his smile. And as anyone would expect to happen, jumping his bike right in front of her spooks the horse and the girl gets tossed off of it.

Donkey: And yet the Iceman seems surprised when she gets up and punches him in the stomach. No shit. I’d beat him to death with his own bike. Instead she allows him to compose himself while wallowing in indignity.

Milobar: And then VI says, “You hit pretty good…for a girl.” Is he trying to impress her or piss her off?

Donkey: That seems about the right way to win over the ladies. If you’re in fucking grade school, that is. Offer her some of your paste and construction paper, VI, but don’t let her play with your fingerpaints. Only pussies do that.

Milobar: She leaves VI there like a chump and he says, “Yup yup…she likes me.” You know, I’d love to know how he got his bike back over that fence and onto the road.

Donkey: VI and the Cirque De Analwarts continue on until finally they arrive in downtown ButtFuckNowhere, USA. As they cruise down the main strip, one of VI’s homeboys has his bike break down. Quick to react with intelligence that makes a GED look about as attainable as a Nobel Peace Prize, they all stop in the middle of the damn street and start poking at it.

Milobar: It’s a goddamn motorcycle, not a freight train. You can push it off the road.

Donkey: Quite appropriately, the cars lined up behind them in the street start honking and yelling for them to move. Big Whitey is in a hurry to get to a sale at the GAP and is getting pretty upset at this lack of consideration, but once the scary black people turn around to look back at them, they all cower down and hide. Racism is hilarious, apparently.

The knee-slapping lack of tolerance continues in the next scene as it shows the crew riding through the suburbs where everyone is looking at them with their mouths blatantly agape. Where did they ride to that these people haven’t seen black people before? 1951? They stop moments later in front of a house that was clearly designed by a madman on a peyote bender and decide to just sit and check out this “crazy whack house”. Just then some old dude runs out and tells them that they’re late, that he’ll give VI five hundred dollars for his bike. After a few seconds of nonsensical dialogue, the man calls his wife out to continue the haggling, where she concludes that VI’s bike is worth more than their house. Wait, how much does this movie think a bike’s worth?

He looks like the slow-witted conductor on the Retard Express.

Milobar: What the fuck is their house made out of? Cardboard? And goddamn, I love that hat that VI is wearing. What the fuck is with the metal on it?

Donkey: The old couple then offers to fix their bikes for no possible reason whatsoever, so VI takes them up on their offer, suggesting that they can work on the one that has broken down. As the old people try to fix the bike moments later, a montage of pure insanity has its way with our faces. One of the crew is sitting in a living room with giant salt & pepper shakers and blue eggs, while another is in the kitchen eating a peanut butter-pickle-sardine-mustard-pineapple sandwich, and VI is just dancing in the driveway even though there wouldn’t be any music playing or reason to dance whatsoever.

Milobar: With no shirt on. This is scene out of the Village of the Damned.

Um...Mildred...back the car up as fast as you can.

Donkey: It just seems like a shitty music video again, as they’re playing another song in the background. This is ridiculous. If you needed a soundtrack to kill yourself to, this movie has got your answer. Eventually his crew ends up napping in various places around the yard while VI continues his dancing in the driveway. He sees the same girl on the horse that he almost killed earlier drive by with her boyfriend and park at a house a few doors down.

Milobar: VI decides to investigate and as he does, we hear him say, “Awwwwwwwww yeeeeeeeaaaahhhh.”

Donkey: Well said. The girl, whom we discover is named Kathy, and her boyfriend named Nick are arguing about going to different colleges when VI strolls up and asks how she’s doing. She tells him to go away, painfully awkward and poorly delivered conversation ensues that is making her lack of interest apparent to anyone with an IQ that starts with a positive number, and VI finally the encounter with the following undeniable genius:

Vanilla Ice: “Oh yeah, Kat…words of wisdom: drop that zero and get with the hero.”

Milobar: I have got to say that to so many more women.

Donkey: Especially after having only known them for 73 seconds. If that doesn’t get you a rimjob in the back seat of a Subaru Forester every time, I don’t know what will. That is seriously one of the greatest lines in the history of cinema. Having made his glorious exit and returned to the crazy house, VI reveals to his pose that he stole Kat’s black book. Wow. That’s sneaky and completely useless.

Not willing to rest on its laurels, the movie goes to yet another random scene of ridiculous insanity. It goes back to Kat and her family going about their daily routine inside their home. But this tedious moment of stereotypical middle class life is given an urban make-over of kickassery, as the film is sped up, the camera keeps zooming in and out randomly, and it’s all set to a shitty mix of beat-boxing and asstastic hip hop music to create a weird manic effect that makes me want to take my own life with a particularly sharp cheese.

Milobar: This is like a nightmare I had of the most horrible future I could imagine for myself.

Donkey: Once that scene is finished serving no purpose imaginable, the family sits around a big old wood cabinet TV and watches a news story on Kat and her horse that appears to be about nothing. But they’re not the only ones to be captivated by this pointless drivel. Back at the House of Despair, VI and the gang catch the same news story. And at the same time, we see some random thug in a bar also happens to see it as well. He recognizes Kat’s father, who is played by Michael Gross, once he’s brought into the interview. The thug immediately jumps on the phone and exclaims to the person on the other end of the line that he’s found him. I understand that VI and his gang could possibly happen to catch the same story a couple of doors down, but what are the fucking odds that someone in a bar somewhere would see this feel-good filler piece on some shitty local news broadcast?

Milobar: You’re not going to believe who I just saw on TV…the father from Family Ties.

Donkey: Moments later Kat’s family gets an ominously empty phone call, so you know what that means: trouble is brewing up a cold cup of decaf who-gives-a-shit. The family then disperses, leaving only Kat and her young brother in the living room where she discovers that her organizer is gone. After tracing back the events of the day, she soon realizes exactly where it is.

Milobar: All the while you can hear that her brother is playing Super Mario Bros 3.

With that look of excitement, you'd think this kid was playing Mario Paint.

Donkey: I would actually rather the soundtrack to this movie was Super Mario Bros 3. That would make VI’s random dancing far more hilariously palatable. And sure, the brother’s playing the game, provided that you can play a video game with nothing more than facial expressions of intense malaise.

Milobar: And slightly vibrating your thumb.

Donkey: If that’s the case then this kid is kicking that game’s ass. Seriously, this kid looks so unimpressed that you’d think he was playing a Christian themed videogame that consisted of nothing more than Charlton Heston reading the bible. Meanwhile, Not-Cool and the Gang check on the progress of the old couple’s attempt to repair their bike, just to see that it’s been stripped down to the point where it consists only of basic parts. Wouldn’t you know it; they’re going to need at least another day to put it back together, giving the crew a reason to stick around and get into some whacky hi-jinx. That’s what we call a clever plot device that is in no way ripped off from a Three’s Company episode, bi-otch. Word to your mother.

Milobar: What exactly did you think these bat shit crazy old people were going to do to your bike? And put a goddamn shirt on. VI’s just wearing a jacket with no shirt underneath at this point.

Donkey: It looks like a winter coat too. And since they appear to be in California, you know that he’s just sweating like a pig in that thing. I bet that smells terrific. Next we see a quick scene where the random goon and his partner are sitting out in the desert, plotting on how they’re going to find Kat’s father.

Milobar: That one dude is playing with his gun, pretending to shoot shit. You know, anyone who was a career criminal like this guy is supposed to be would not play with their goddamn gun like that. The only people who would do that are people who have never held a gun before.

Donkey: Yeah, I think it’ safe to say that the amount of dumb shit you’d do with a gun is directly proportional to the amount of time you’ve spent actually having one. And that’s why I’d juggle a pistol and two babies while riding a unicycle and being on fire. As we move back to VI, he informs the rest of his crew that he’s outta here, heading across the street to…sigh…”schling a schlong”. Seriously. That’s what he said. So this fantastic retard heads back over to Kat’s house wearing an outfit that can only be described as truly appropriate when one must schling his schlong. He’s wearing goddamn pants that are too tight and look like he’s been blocking paintballs with his crotch for about a decade, and a jacket that has random words written all over it. Wow. People in 1991 were fucking stupid.

Milobar: “Danger! Lust! Sex Me Up!” That’s just awesome. And I love how he walks up to Kat’s door and knocks by pounding on it once.

Donkey: Kat’s mother and young brother answer the door, clearly startled by the shit and hairspray sandwich standing before them. It turns out Kat’s not home and her mother is not keen to give out the details of where she is. No shit. If I saw a guy looking like that at my door asking about my high school daughter, I’d probably be burying him in my backyard within the hour. The brother is too stupid to know an idiot when he sees one, though, and immediately tells VI she’s at the Sugar Shack. As VI leaves the house, he sees the two goons, who have apparently arrived in town and are just waiting in the street right outside the house, and asks them where he can find the Sugar Shack. As they send him in the wrong direction, Michael Gross takes a moment away from missing his beard to look out the window and see VI talking to them.

The dreaded Three Ring Gay Circus Gang is addressed by its leader.

Milobar: And of course, he assumes that VI is their ringleader.

Donkey: Of course. Two middle aged criminals would definitely answer to a man dressed as an assclown.

Milobar: If they’ve come to find Michael Gross, why are they just sitting outside his house? Shouldn’t they go kick down the door? Or at least knock?

Donkey: These criminals are apparently considerate enough to wait for them to finish their My Two Dads marathon. Next we cut to the Sugar Shack as VI and his crew survey the scene.

Milobar: Where did his crew get a change of clothes from? How much luggage could you possibly carry on crotch rockets?

If you look across a bar and see this, you'd better check to see if Satan is the bartender, because you're likely in hell.

Donkey: Although it sounds like a diner or nightclub, the Sugar Shack turns out to be a combination of an actual backyard shack and shitty high school gym. As Kat and Nick talk about how much more badass he is than her for drinking Peach Schnapps, she looks over and sees VI.

Milobar: Fuck, that wave in VI’s hair is amazing.

Donkey: He looks absolutely intoxicating. Half of the hair on the back of his head is shaved in a brick pattern, while the other half is shaved to look like lightning. It’s too bad he didn’t manage to shave some dignity in there. Back at Kat’s house, the two goons knock on the door and proceed to blackmail Michael Gross and his wife, after having stood outside for what appears to have been hours as it’s now dark.

Only one person here thought it was hilarious when he cut the tension with a huge fart. Guess which one.

We return to the Sugar Shack just as VI and the crew decides that it’s time to pump up the awesome for these dull suburban kids. They unplug the equipment of the house band with a single flick of the wrist and suddenly start kicking out the jams. How the fuck did they get a turntable set up that quickly?

Milobar: They had it on the back of one of their bikes.

Donkey: And thus begins another music video, featuring some more of the worst choreographed dancing seen by human eyes, featuring VI and one of his homeboys.

Milobar: Because that’s what two dudes do in a club: synchronized dancing. “I want to thank you for letting me be myself”? What the fuck is he even singing about? As he babbles on, he pulls Kat out of the crowd to dance with her. She tries to walk away at first, but when he pulls her back a second time, she’s suddenly into it. Uh oh. Nick’s getting jealous!

VI pioneers a new dance, subtley named the Put My Balls On Your Thigh.

Donkey: Once the song and his attempts to shatter her spinal column with his jackhammering pelvis are finished, she demands her organizer back. Nick then pulls her away and tells her that she’s embarrassed herself enough for one night. You know, this guy is supposed to be a douche, but I actually completely agree with him. That was embarrassing just to watch, let alone be involved in. Once they’re outside, they have a stereotypical fight where he treats her like a dog.

She walks off and then we see her strolling down the middle of the street in the dead of night, as a water truck comes up behind her, turning off the water to pass her. Why the fuck is that truck watering pavement?

Milobar: That’s what they do in the US, apparently. They spray something that most of the world is desperately in need of, clean water, all over the road just to piss off people in Africa.

Along with spraying water on pavement at night, the city also sets fire to several truckloads of food every week.

Donkey: Moments later we see that Kat’s being stalked by a car that’s pulling up behind her, in which are the two goons. But just as they are about to close in, she is saved by VI, who screeches onto the scene, pulls her up onto his bike, and takes her home. You know, that might have seemed a lot more dramatic if she hadn’t been walking down the middle of the fucking street in the blackness of night. For all we know, that might have just been a car that was slowly pulling up to wait for her to get the fuck out of the way.

Milobar: As he drops her off and she rejects his advances again, VI says, “Dissed again.” Just like every other day of his life.

Donkey: Get used to it, VI. Once Kat enters her house, she finds her parents sitting in the living room in the dark. They assure her that everything is fine, but warn her to stay away from strangers. Yep, nothing is wrong at all. Your mother and I sit in the living room in the dark and just cry all the time.

Milobar: VI returns to the parking lot of the Sugar Shack to discover that Nick and some other dudes are smashing one of his pose’s bikes.

Donkey: Naturally, a fight ensues where VI takes out the four guys on his own, like it ain’t no thing.

Milobar: Ain’t no thing but a chicken wing. Because obviously being a white rapper from the streets means that you’re a badass and you know kung fu. But where the hell are his friends? But once he’s done, VI just walks away and leaves the bike there.

Donkey: You’d think the dude whose bike was smashed to shit would be interested to see what happened, at least. But we move on to yet another one of the greatest scenes ever conceived by the human mind. We see Kat restlessly tossing around in bed before she finally gets to sleep. Then we see her face the next morning, as she sleeps. Water starts dripping into her mouth, slowly waking her up, just before VI jams an ice cube into her mouth saying, “We don’t want to wake up mom and dad.” WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? Don’t wake my parents? How’s about you don’t wake me up by jamming something down my throat then, asshole. That’s fucking insane. She seems relatively unsurprised, though, as she rolls over to see him lying in her bed next to her.

Milobar: In what has got to be one of the gayest outfits I could possibly imagine on a man.

I'll just slip this roofie in and lay here next to you until it kicks in...

Donkey: He returns her organizer to her, only to discover that she took his license and the slip of paper with the chick’s phone number from the beginning of the movie. He chases her around her bed, playfully demanding the stuff back. Of course, he seemed concerned about it a moment ago, but now seems quite content to wake the whole goddamn house. He then plays it cool, refusing to leave as she says she has to get changed. To show him how much courage, but very little dignity she has, she starts to unbutton her shirt in front of him. Just then the little brother bursts into the room and discovers the two of them in their moment of supreme disgrace. He recognizes VI right away and makes VI promise him to take him for a ride on his bike. Once the brother leaves, VI finally climbs back out the window, while Kat falls swooning down on her bed in a release of pent up ecstasy. Yeah, I can see how a gay man busting into your room, laying next to you like a stalker, and jamming an ice cube into your mouth while you sleep is a turn on.

Milobar: As VI gets back to his bike, Kat comes out the front door of the house and joins him. Fuck, she got changed awfully fast. And you know, I don’t want to necessarily say anything, but she hasn’t showered.

Donkey: Well, if there’s one man on the face of this Earth who is not worth washing your vagina for, it’s Vanilla Ice.

Milobar: If there’s one man worth shoving a fistful of dirt up there for, it’s him.

Donkey: They take off on his bike, and once again bad 90′s dance music pipes up as they show generic and uninteresting shots of scenery whizzing past them on the highway.

Milobar: Finally they arrive at a construction site where there’s a random piledriver and hang out in the framework of a half-built house.

Donkey: Thus begins the romantic, tender “getting to know you” portion of the film. First they start with awkward conversation that is as cryptic as it is pointless. Then they begin to randomly chase each other through the framework of the house, playing a shitty game of peek-a-boo that might be fun for all of seven seconds.

This couldn't be less romantic if they were playing Connect Four.

Milobar: It would be awesome if while they were swinging around on this house’s support beams, the whole thing just came down on top of them.

Yeah, I know my kissing skills are somewhere between a dead salmon and a stray dog, but look...I can dance badly too!

Donkey: “I’m buried under five tons of lumber! Yup yup! Word to your mother, I’m dying!” But now that he’s laid the groundwork of sexiness with after all kinds of pointless banter and kindergarten games, VI finally seals the deal with a kiss. Later it cuts between scenes of them riding the same horse that VI knocked Kat off of earlier, and making out on his bike in the middle of random salt flats. Of course, he naturally follows up making out with a horrible display of dancing, just to make her throw up any semen that he might have managed to convince her to swallow while we weren’t looking. Is there any time this asshole won’t just start dancing?

Milobar: When he’s crying in the shower, or eating a four gallon tub of ice cream in bed, wondering what happened to his life.

Donkey: You know, watching this entire display, I can’t help but wonder how old VI is supposed to be in this movie, because she’s only a high school student.

Milobar: No doubt. She’s graduating, but she’s still in high school nonetheless. So she’s got to be seventeen or eighteen at the most.

Donkey: And I’m sorry, there’s no way you can say VI is eighteen. So this is kind of gross. After their remarkably uninteresting date, they return back to Kat’s house in the evening and he walks her to the front door, where she gives him a ring, only to be interrupted by her father.

Milobar: The father tells Kat about how VI put Nick in the hospital. What? VI couldn’t put himself in the hospital.

Donkey: Why the hell would Nick be in the hospital? VI hit him twice, and not even that hard. Does the guy have a fucking infected sliver?

Milobar: He’s got a case of the smallballs, which happens to any man that gets his ass kicked by VI.

Donkey: They have literally ascended back into his stomach in disgrace. But after seeing his daughter stick her tongue into an abyss of shame, Michael Gross is naturally as sickened by this as I am, so he sends Kat inside and then tells VI to get lost, which causes me to immediately applaud. After being rejected, VI returns to the House of Mindfarts, where his gang was left to hang out with a couple of old people all damn day. Meanwhile, Kat sits down in her bedroom with her father and mother who decide to reveal their dark secret past.

Who needs rocks, a castle, or a scuba diver for entertainment when you can just swim around staring at another fish's ass all day?

Milobar: As an aside, I love the bowl of fish that she has in this scene. There are so many fish in that bowl that you’d have to clean it every damn day. There are two dozen fish in that fucking bowl with no rocks at the bottom or anything. That would be dirty in five minutes.

Donkey: It turns out that Michael Gross used to be a cop just before Kat was born, but that he ratted out two other cops for being crooked and helped send them to prison. He entered the Witness Relocation Program, was given a new job selling insurance, and was living a quiet life until those two goons got out of prison, saw him on TV, and showed up at his door. Wait, the government gave him a new job and it was selling insurance? What kind of hell is that?

Milobar: “We’ll put you in the Witness Relocation Program – Great! – selling insurance. Fuck you! I’d rather take my chances. When the criminals said that they were going to kill me slowly, I didn’t think you were going to take it to the next level like that.”

Donkey: What sense does it make to put someone into the Witness Relocation Program and then make him sell insurance? Why the fuck would you put someone who’s trying to hide into a career where they have to be very visible and harassing people constantly? Fuck, if you want to put him in a place where no one will see him, put him in an Asylum film (editor’s note: Michael Gross is actually in an Asylum film).

Milobar: Granted, I’ve never been in the Witness Protection Program so I don’t know for sure, but I’m pretty sure that whether you’ve been in it for twenty years or twenty minutes, there’s a number you can call where you can say, “You know those people that you’ve been hiding me from? Well they found me, so come get me right now.” Isn’t that the whole point?

Donkey: Yeah, otherwise you’re not hiding them. You’re just saying, “Here’s fifty bucks, a new name, and a bus ticket to Idaho. Get the fuck out of my office.”

Milobar: That wouldn’t really encourage people to turn state’s evidence for you.

Donkey: The next day we see Kat step out of her house wearing a splendid pair of jeans as VI waits on his bike by the curb. Unless she’s a mother of three in her mid to late forties, those pants are way too fucking high. Seriously. I’m not saying that she has to wear low rise jeans, but they shouldn’t be a foot above her belly button like that unless she’s participating in a secret government study of how to fight yeast infections using an aggressive case of camel toe. VI tries to convince her to come with him for another monotonous date, but she gives him the cold vagina. Once she finally comes out with it and says that she can’t see him anymore, VI starts to pout and then races off on his bike, speeding down the highway. Once again, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING?

Milobar: He’s going back to the salt flats, apparently, where he can drive so fast that he gets a face full of bugs.

Donkey: Eventually we see VI back at the House of Crazy, where he flops down on a couch in the yard to think. And by think, I mean repeatedly sing Color Me Badd’s I’m Gonna Sex You Up over and over in his head. Goddamn it, I just can’t take a man seriously when he’s looking like he’s doing some deep pondering and he’s got hair like that.

Milobar: Kat’s younger brother comes over and asks VI if he can get that motorcycle ride that he was promised. And to show that he’s sporting a healthy obsession with a dude that he’s only seen twice, he shows off the fact that he’s done his hair up just like VI’s.

Donkey: Seriously? This movie is honestly going to try to suggest that even someone as stupid as a child would be that impressed with this guy? And this kid cut his hair like that himself? Has no one in this movie ever seen what happens when a kid cuts his own hair? This kid would look like an aging sales rep trying to fight the onset of male pattern baldness with a comb-over so sparse that he could have a pet name for each hair on his head. But VI eventually gives in and takes the younger brother out for a ride.

Milobar: Because nothing will win over her parents like endangering their child on your bike.

Donkey: As they go for their ride, it shows another montage, focusing on the rest of VI’s gang, once again just passing the time back at the House of Crazy. I love how he’s out taking part in all these fun adventures and expecting his friends to just sit around that fucking house and kill time. And that’s exactly what they’re doing as we see them build a house of cards, throw paper airplanes off the roof, and then just randomly dancing in the streets. What the fuck is with the dancing in this movie?

Milobar: And they’re cool with him just completely abandoning them once again. I’d have gotten pretty pissed long before this point.

Just one night? With an injury like that, he should have been in the hospital for a couple of weeks.

Donkey: As VI and the little brother cruise around, they pass by Nick, whom we see has a broken nose. Wait, are you trying to tell me that this asshole was in the hospital for the night because of a broken nose? As they continue on, I’m not sure why the movie feels that it’s necessary to constantly cut between shots of VI and the younger brother riding and shots of the old couple working on the bike, arguing with one another, but they do. Yes, they’re working on the bike. They’re crazy. We get it. I don’t need to see them argue over every fucking bolt in the thing.

Milobar: VI drops the younger brother back off at home and tells him that he’s out of here, “just like yesterday”.

Donkey: Goddamn he’s such a wordsmith. This man can turn a phrase almost as fast as he turns my stomach. VI then goes around to the side of the house, climbs into Kat’s window, and throws the ring that she gave him into her fishbowl. Yeah, because that’s what the two dozen fish in that small bowl need is more shit in there. And then finally he jumps back on his bike and peels out, screeching off into the distance. Hey, VI…you only needed to go two houses down the block, dude. So as dramatic an exit as that was, before you even finished peeling out, it would be time to put the brakes on.

Milobar: As the younger brother sits at home by himself playing Tecmo Bowl, the two ex-cop goons break in. He tries to get away, but eventually the Wet Bandits get their hands on him and drag him off.

Donkey: He should have set up more blowtorch and paint can booby traps. Kat gets home shortly thereafter, oblivious to the kidnapping, and finds the ring in her fishbowl. Naturally, as any woman would be after realizing that she’s lost her grip on a human joke, she’s devastated.

Milobar: How upset could she possibly be? She’s known him for a day and a half, and for the first part of that time she hated his guts.

Donkey: The parents get home soon, and together they all discover that the younger brother is missing. Back at the House of Crazy, VI trying to tell his homies that it’s time to split, that he don’t care about all this shit. But they know better. They tell him that he’s in too deep. Yeah, that will happen in a day and a half. VI decides to go over and give it one last shot to talk to Kat. As he walks up to the front door, he notices an envelope sitting on the porch. He picks it up, knocks, and after being thoroughly rejected by Kat, VI hands the envelope to her father and tells him this is for him. The envelope, of course, contains an audio tape on which Kat’s younger brother is made to read a ransom note. So naturally, Michael Gross assumes this is from VI.

Milobar: How convenient.

Donkey: Come on, people. VI is clearly not smart enough to organize a rescue mission to find his favorite stuffed animal in his own closet, let alone a goddamn kidnapping. Kat, well aware that she’s been making out with someone who’s legally retarded, tries to argue that there’s no way that VI’s involved in this, but Michael Gross will have none of it. He tells her to wake up, that he didn’t just come to the house to see her, but to deliver the ransom note.

Milobar: Yes, what a great ruse. Why would he bother trying to talk to her then and not just leave it in front of the door? Why bother to pretend?

Donkey: Still insisting that he’s innocent, Kat grabs the tape and runs to find VI. He and his crew are still hanging out over at the House of Crazy, loitering for no discernible reason. Kathy runs in and begs for help, because going to him makes a lot more sense than going to the cops. Eventually, after waving the standard twenty five cent fee made standard by Encyclopedia Brown, VI agrees to take on the case and listens to the ransom tape himself. As he’s listening intently, trying to figure out how he can sample it for his next nowhere-near-hit single, he notices the sound of a piledriver in the background. But of course, he doesn’t recognize it at first. What could that be?

Milobar: That’s the sound of my career being pounded into the floor. Thank you, CSI Junior. But once he finally recognizes the sound and where it came from, VI and his homeboys decide that they’re going to save the kid alone.

Donkey: The gang jumps on their bikes and quickly head to the construction site. They arrive there and look around, but find not a single clue. Well, at least they don’t find any within the immediate proximity of their bikes, as they don’t bother to get off them.

Milobar: Maybe if you took your sunglasses off, VI, you could see shit. Seriously, how can you ride a motorcycle at night with sunglasses on?

Donkey: So after thirty seconds of searching, the crew tears off on their bikes, leaving the scene. It’s then revealed that the Wet Bandits are hiding in a nearby unfinished house, hanging around in the dark with the younger brother tied up in a corner. As they see the gang tearing off into the night, the two goons begin to reflect on their aspirations for the future. These two criminal masterminds have dreams of living large once they collect the ransom. And by living large, we mean that they’re pining to…own a house. Wow. Shine on you crazy diamonds.

Milobar: Suddenly VI and the gang bursts through a wall and into the room on their motorcycles. Of course, just a moment ago these Wet Bandits were on the second floor.

Donkey: Not only that, but the gang just burst through a wall made of drywall, leaving a huge hole. I guess they don’t realize it, but drywall has to be nailed to something, something like studs or wooden beams in the wall that are usually no more than a foot apart.

Milobar: And I’d love to see you drive a motorbike between those.

Donkey: Once again VI proves how badass he is, as he quickly dispatches of the two criminals and saves the day. These two hardened criminals were prepared to deal with the police, but apparently had no defense against a rapping white tragedy.

Back at the house, Michael Gross and his wife are standing in their front yard talking to the cops when the crew comes rolling up, blaring their horns like they’re in a wedding procession. They return the younger brother to his parents and deliver the captured Wet Bandits, who are tied to the hood of the car that they’ve arrived in, to the cops. With his son returned safely, it’s time for Michael Gross to swallow his pride and go say thank…OH GOD!! What the fuck is with that toque that VI’s wearing?!

Fashion trend #47 that was conceived and killed by this movie.

Milobar: How can you take anyone seriously if they were wearing that toque? You know, I’d love to shake your hand, but you’ve got to take that shit off your head first.

Donkey: He looks like he’s stealing a bowling pin under that fucking thing.

Milobar: Sir, do you have anything under that hat? Like a football?

Donkey: Now that he’s been redeemed, the child has been returned to his parents, and his rather disgusting relationship with Kat has been endorsed, VI declares, “Let’s G-O!”

Milobar: Just as the pose is about to leave, Nick rolls up in his car and demands to know if Kat knows what she’s doing, then declares that she better like being a biker chick because she’ll never see him or his car again.

Donkey: VI scoffs and then pulls one last move of sheer brain melting sweetness. With Kat on the back of his bike, he races off down the block, turns around, comes tearing back up the street and jumps the bike over Nick’s car, proving that he’s not afraid to take two lives into his hands merely to make a vague statement regarding the unimpressive size of his penis. But it would be awesome if he miscalculated that jump and wiped out completely, splattering himself and Kat all over the pavement while her parents looked on. Geez, sir, I saved your son, but now your daughter is a quadriplegic. My bad. Yup yup.

Milobar: And with that, the movie ends with yet another music video.

So THAT'S what inspired Joel Schumacher when he made Batman Forever.

Donkey: Mirroring the start of the film, they appear to be in a warehouse somewhere, this time putting on a concert. VI, once again showing the fashion sense of a coked up, colorblind vagrant, is wearing a suit that looks insanely ridiculous. Half the suit is bright orange and the other half is a technicolored nightmare. It’s like he looked at the character Two-Face and said to himself, “not quite gay enough”.

Milobar: “He hasn’t quite arrived at Gaytown. I’ll have to take him the rest of the way.” But seriously, flash forward ten years and put a dude in that outfit and he would fit right into today’s music scene.

Donkey: Speaking of the gayness, these are some very homoerotic dance moves that VI’s doing with another dude. Good for you, Vanilla Ice. Don’t let The Man keep you in the closet. I think it might actually be very appropriate that Kat is just another face in the audience at this point, watching while he grapples with another dude. And as the song comes to an end, we fade to black and the credits roll.

How much would you like to bet that VI and his dance partner practice these moves in the evening after a few bottles of wine?

Milobar: I thought Kat was going to college. Did she give that all up for him?

Donkey: Looks like it. And goddamn it did she pick the wrong star to hitch her wagon to.

Milobar: No matter. His horsecock-sucking star is shining brightly tonight.

The Verdict:

Donkey: It’s very, very rare for a star in one medium to cross over into another and garner any respect. Sting, Mick Jagger, Roger Daltrey…these men are champions of classic rock who stand as pillars of the profession, but Dune, Freejack, and the Highlander television series, respectively, won’t exactly be mentioned when discussing their places in history. And if icons of the music industry don’t have a chance, then what the fuck do you think is going to happen when you make a movie around a “star” that’s already at the fourteen minute mark of his fifteen minutes of fame? It turns out that Vanilla Ice is to movies what he is to music. Watching him perform – be it in front of a camera or in front of a microphone – is like driving by a car wreck. You can’t take your eyes away, and yet you come away feeling like that car wreck raped you and then forced you to watch it dance on your grandma’s face. This movie is one moment of insanity after another, until reaching the point that calling it ridiculous is like calling a festering outbreak of herpes a minor roadblock to getting laid. Like so many of the greatest movies that we’ve discussed, it has to be seen to be believed. I give this five shining examples of shame for the white race out of five.

What We Learned:

Donkey: You can buy a shitty bike, you can buy yourself a jacket that shows off that you’re hooked on phonics, and you can buy a toque that makes you look like the proverbial dickhead. But you can’t possibly buy respect when the only currency you have is shitty music and a phenomenal lack of any applicable talent. But please, don’t take my word for it. Keep reaching for those stars, tragedies of American culture!

Don’t forget to check back every Saturday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: a scenic journey into the horrors of space, the future, and the face of the Californian political landscape as we attempt to attain…TOTAL RECALL.

Back To The Main Page.

The perfect fighter that not even the army can destroy? Indeed. Oh, unless you count twice with a stick. Then yeah, they kind of can.

Donkey: Stockholm Syndrome is the psychological condition in which captives begin to sympathize with their captors. I never thought I’d understand it myself, but for some reason that kept coming to mind, and I began to wonder if there’s a similar condition in which you start to believe that you’re eating ice cream if someone shits in your mouth often enough. If that’s the case, then trust me, we had achieved it. For several months we had endured a constant see-saw assault on the senses that few could withstand, as we teetered between laughing with wild abandon and shouting our way through angry exasperation at the spectacles that were bared before us. We were in love with the thrilling rollercoaster of true shittiness that we had found ourselves on and we didn’t want it to stop. So once again we turned back to the insanity of the very appropriately named The Asylum Films.

As we have already documented, The Asylum is well known for releasing poor quality films that mirror big budget titles as they are released either in theaters or on DVD. Of course, that mirror might as well have been crafted by a drunken hamster with an inner ear infection at the Unnecessarily-Spinning Mirror Factory, only ten minutes after he’d been told that he was going to be fired at the end of the day. But regardless, we have all come to understand that as The Asylum’s modus operandi. But their true genius shines through when they release a shitty imitation of a movie that hasn’t been on anyone’s radar for YEARS. And thus we come to Universal Soldiers. Although led by the immortal Jean Claude Van Damme (which means that you know that we’ll lovingly review it eventually), the original film, Universal Soldier, was released so long ago that many people have probably forgotten it even exists. So why the hell knock it off now? Our curiosity was piqued. It was time to stuff another chocolate log down our throats.

The Plot:

Donkey: Though it bucks the trend of relevance to current titles, Universal Soldiers certainly doesn’t discard all of The Asylum’s tried and true habits, as the movie’s plot makes about as much sense as the following phrase: purple chicken on corduroy toaster.

In the year 200XX, the government has engineered super soldiers of unimaginable strength. What government? Don’t know. Uruguay, perhaps? I’m sure that the movie is implying it’s the US government, but since they can’t be bothered to say, I can’t be bothered to assume. With those super soldiers loose on an island and equipped with extra sharp sticks, the fate of the world rests in the hands of a small band of military personnel determined to stop them from somehow making their way back to the mainland and invading the closest TGI Fridays. Armed only with fully automatic assault rifles and throats that somehow never seem to go hoarse no matter how much they pointlessly scream at one another, our heroes must travel to the last beacon of hope, which is either The Armory or The Mainframe depending on who happens to be shouting at the time, in order to stand a chance. Will they make it? Will even bigger guns manage to stop three middle aged men with pointy twigs? Does any of this matter? Yes, no, and no.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: Universal Soldiers, or as I like to call it, Incoherent Shoutfest V: The Revenge of the Unintelligible Sentence.

Donkey: This has got to be my favorite Asylum film so far when it comes to the title alone. Normally when they’re choosing a title for these things, they will at least take the original title and change a word. Not this time. Instead they said, “Fuck it, just throw an ‘S’ on the end and we’re good.”

Why the hell does this thing have teeth?

Milobar: As the opening credits roll we’re treated to a glimpse of some sort of Terminator-esque robot thing.

Donkey: Why the hell do they start with this badly ripped off Terminator clone?

Milobar: I don’t understand what this has to do with the Universal Soldiers that they fight throughout the rest of the movie. The soldiers are genetically engineered super men. This is a giant robot. Make up your goddamn mind. Of course, while watching these credits we get to see a bunch of names that nobody would recognize except us, because we’ve seen a lot of these people multiple times now.

Donkey: Including Jason Gray, our favorite Asylum actor who has been in every one of these movies so far.

Milobar: We love you, Jason.

Donkey: At least this movie wasn’t produced, edited, and directed by the same person.

Milobar: That really is the mark of a great movie.

Donkey: Yeah, you know that means it’s going to be shit when it comes to The Asylum. This was, however, directed by Griff Furst, the dude who played Itchy in Transmorphers. I can’t believe that. Wait, no…I can.

Milobar: And now that the credits are done, the movie starts in a way that makes it my favorite opening of any shitty movie we’ve ever watched. It’s so goddamn ridiculous. It starts in the middle of some serious shit that they never bother to explain. They don’t give you any background information or set it up in any way. I remember watching this for the first time and saying out loud, “What the fuck? Did we just skip half way into the movie?”

Donkey: Is this a bad copy?

Milobar: That’s literally what the beginning of this movie feels like: you’ve downloaded a corrupted copy that is missing the first fifteen minutes. Not that we downloaded this movie, of course. We paid for it.

Donkey: Of course. We never download any movies and do not endorse the habit in any way. But anyways, the scene begins with a group of military personnel all standing back to back with their guns drawn in some corridor, looking like they are attempting to defend themselves from something. Suddenly some dude runs into the room and gets impaled by a spear before being yanked out of view.

Look sharp, guys, and be sure the safety's off. Those Jehovah's Witnesses will find us no matter how far underground we flee.

Milobar: By Scorpion from Mortal Kombat, apparently.

Donkey: Undaunted by seeing someone slaughtered in front of them, the group continues talking and we discover that they need to locate The Professor and get to The Armory.

Milobar: Keep in mind, someone just mentioned The Armory is only “three clicks away”, so they should be able to get there pretty damn fast if they just run.

Donkey: This group is led by the man who played Valentine in Alien Vs Hunter, this time playing The Major. Sans mustache, unfortunately.

Milobar: Well in Alien Vs Hunter, he was playing the member of a militia, whereas he is now a soldier. Everyone knows that’s the difference between army and militia.

Donkey: Yes, mustachio vs lack of mustachio. Now that they’ve decided to move out, we see our group of military personnel wandering through tunnels. And speaking of Alien Vs Hunter, this is a great fucking start for this film having just watched that one. Just what we need is more goddamn tunnels.

Milobar: This is what The Asylum does best. And if I’m not mistaken, they emerge from the tunnels out of a culvert again.

Donkey: God, I hope so.

Milobar: I’m surprised they haven’t made a movie called Tunnels And Culverts.

Donkey: As they keep going and going, because again The Asylum can’t show people travel in any fucking hurry, we see them crawling through more tunnels.

Milobar: And as they move, they’re listening to dudes screaming in the distance as they die.

Donkey: Who is dying, how, and why? We have no fucking idea. And finally they emerge out into the world. It’s more like a drainage pipe that they’re crawling out of than a full blown culvert, but regardless, it’s still retarded.

Whew! Sorry guys, I forgot that I had mom's famous 'rancid beef and blue cheese stew' last night...guess I shouldn't have been at the front of the line...

Milobar: And now we’re treated to the other thing the The Asylum does best: very poorly edited audio.

Donkey: Immediately our team begins arguing about nothing. Even better: the mic for the scene is clearly taped to someone’s tonsils, creating that extra awesome effect where you can barely make out what they’re saying because it sounds like the speakers on my TV are about to explode, even though the volume is way down.

Milobar: Actually, they weren’t quite arguing about nothing. They were arguing about who caused the earthquake.

Donkey: What fucking earthquake? They didn’t show any earthquake, or even say that one was occurring up to this point. But as this ridiculous conversation is going on, the camera switches over to what is apparently the Heads Up Display of one of the Universal Soldiers, which is obviously something that someone threw together the night before this movie was due for their community college correspondence drama seminar. This ‘display’ looks like someone is scrolling through their iTunes playlist. That’s the best they could fucking do?

The Universal Soldiers must have a genetically enhanced sense of irony, as the only song that they listen to while committing murder is the Bee Gee's classic Stayin' Alive on repeat.

Milobar: It looks like the software that they probably used to edit this shitty movie together with.

Donkey: I prefer to think that they are trying to show us that the Universal Soldiers are picking out the soundtrack that they’re going to kill these people to.

Milobar: I prefer to think The Universal Soldiers aren’t actually genetically modified soldiers. They’re genetically modified DJs.

Donkey: This dialogue is amazing. A random soldier, whom we might as well go ahead and call First Victim, says that he thought he saw something. Another guy in the group, a young loud and cocky soldier that we’ll just refer to as Shouty McSmallballs, tells him to be more specific. So First Victim says, “I thought I FUCKING saw something.” Wow, that is more specific. I totally know what you mean now.

Milobar: As they attempt to determine their location, First Victim says that he recognizes that tree formation. What? Fuck off. Are you kidding me? “We’re in the middle of nowhere, but I’m pretty sure I recognize those trees over there. Yep, that’s definitely where I buried all the hookers.”

Donkey: As they’re babbling out that bullshit, it switches back to the Heads Up Display of the Universal Soldiers and once again, just like in Alien Vs Hunter, the shot makes it look like the super soldier is standing about four feet in front of them. But it’s been thirty seconds, so it’s time for our heroes to start arguing amongst themselves again.

Milobar: Yes! It’s time for our favorite Asylum actor, known lovingly as Champagne Assault Rifle Man, to yell at the dumbass Blonde Army Chick. Seriously, ninety five percent of the dialogue in this movie is people yelling at one another.

Donkey: Not only that, but it’s yelling that doesn’t even make any sense. It might if they bothered to explain anything at all. But they don’t, so it’s just garbled bullshit. And now First Victim, who recognized the trees, wanders off on his own to fulfill his destiny, appropriately into said trees. Boy, I bet nothing bad will happen to this asshole! And the audio odyssey continues at this point, as it now sounds like the dude they had holding the boom mic was standing in a raging river.

Milobar: Suddenly one of the Universal Soldiers sneaks into the scene, hobbling around in the background like a hunchback, and he impales First Victim against a tree.

Donkey: After running up to check out this unpredictable turn of events, our group of heroes begin arguing about what to do with First Victim. Those with half a brain conclude that he’s stapled to the tree through the chest and won’t survive, while others are shouting about taking him to the infirmary. Suddenly the Special Agent Douche of the group pulls out a gun and ends the argument by shooting the dude doing his best impression of a prawn skewer in the head, killing him. And of course, this causes the forty seventh argument of the film. After acting like they’re going to kill him, the others threaten that Secret Agent Douche will answer for that once they’re off the island. What island? What island are they supposed to be on?

Milobar: Universal Soldiers Island. It’s the latest ride at Universal Studios.

Donkey: Suddenly the geek of the group, whom we can cleverly refer to as The Geek, tells them all that they need to come see this.

Milobar: They all run over and see a red marking on a tree.

Donkey: They stand around and stare at this goddamn marking like it’s the second coming of Ted Knight. Relax. It’s a goddamn triangle with a dot in it.

Milobar: “What does it mean?” Nothing.

Donkey: One of the three women, henceforth referred to as Medical Chick, says no, it’s means that they’re learning to write. This is language. How the fuck do you know that? This might just be a marking that one of them made for themselves so that they know that they’ve been there before.

Milobar: A moment later they seem to agree and conclude that this is some kind of mapping symbol.

Donkey: One of them asks if this is marking where they’ve been or where they’re going, and someone else says, “neither”. What? Then what the fuck is it?

Milobar: Where you are right now? Or if it’s not where you’ve been and not where you’re going, is it every other possible location?

Guess who was voted "most likely to shoot his squadmates in the face"?

Donkey: Moments later our group marches off and we see why we refer to our favorite Asylum actor as Champagne Assault Rifle Man. As they’re all marching along, he’s carrying his rifle pointed in the air, and with one hand only carrying it with two fingers, like he’s holding champagne at a goddamn fancy dinner party. That’s insane. There’s no less effective way to carry that goddamn rifle. If they were attacked suddenly, not only would he fire straight into the air, but since he’s barely holding onto that thing, it would probably go flying out of his hands.

Milobar: There’s a higher chance that he’d shoot the people behind him than the enemy in front of him.

Donkey: Our team of heroes is continuing their journey to find The Professor, I think. And as they start yelling at each other some more, once again a Universal Soldier darts by in the background. I love the Universal Soldiers in this movie. They look like middle-aged, somewhat over-weight men in black skin-tight suits with painted pads strapped to them.

Milobar: With their skin painted gray. They look basically like Tobias Funke, except instead of blue body paint, it’s gray.

Donkey: Such vicious killing machines. As they’re arguing once again about where they should go, it’s urged again that they should be going to The Armory. Special Agent Douche then asks why they would go there, since these things are “bred to swallow bullets”. Nobody says anything for a good twenty seconds, until finally Shouty McSmallballs asks if anyone has a better idea. When no one says anything, they just say okay, and move on.

Milobar: Yeah, I’ve got a better idea. ANYTHING ELSE.

Donkey: And as they’re all standing there, still arguing for no reason, The Professor comes running towards them on a road, yelling and screaming like an idiot.

Milobar: He comes running up, drunk on Jagermeister, and our heroes all try to motion for him to shut the hell up. Suddenly Champagne Assault Rifle Man lifts up his rifle and declares that he’s got a clean shot and he’s going to take it.

Donkey: He’s just going to fucking kill him?! Is Champagne Assault Rifle Man in a persistent state of roid rage? Once he finally arrives, we can clearly see this guy is a professor, though. He’s wearing a brown corduroy jacket.

Milobar: I don’t understand why they’re referring to this guy as The Professor. He’s working for the military, developing super soldiers. Technically you’re only a professor if you’re teaching at a University. So I would think the more appropriate term in this case would be Doctor.

Donkey: Or Captain Science. Or The Brown-Jacketed Master of the Universe.

Milobar: Or High Commander Virginity.

Donkey: This conversation with The Professor expands on the current situation, telling us that the government, and Lord knows what government, has created these ultimate killing machines that are loose and trying to kill them all. Why are they loose? Why are they trying to kill them?

Milobar: If they’re the perfect killing machines, why are these people still alive? Why haven’t the Universal Soldiers just killed all of them? Instead they do the same thing that the alien did in Alien Vs Hunter. They just run around in the background chilling out.

Donkey: Our heroes then begin to push The Professor to give them “the code”. The code for what, I have no idea. Instead The Professor just babbles on about how they’re all going to die. And then he goes on to reaffirm how ridiculous the opening credits of this movie really are. He talks about how they made these super soldiers out of “men, men who had served their country”. So again, what was with the goddamn random robot? It wasn’t a Universal Soldier, so if you have the “perfect killing machines”, why would you bother to build a giant robot too?

Milobar: Robot powered Dutch Rudders?

Donkey: After a lot of babbling, The Professor gets stabbed in the head and dragged up into the air. I’m sure we’re supposed to think that was the result of a Universal Soldier attacking again, but I’m going to blame it on illegal immigrants instead. They always steal our best genetically enhanced arbitrary killing jobs!

Milobar: What was that? There were no trees around them, or anything above them for something to pull him up to. They were standing out in the goddamn open.

Donkey: What I love is the the moment he’s dragged into the air, they all start blasting away with their guns in his direction. A few seconds later, he’d dropped to the ground, quite dead, and they all look somewhat surprised by this. You know, assholes, if the stabbing and lifting didn’t kill him, perhaps the hundred bullets you sent in his direction might have. Our heroes all turn and see a forty five year old man being pulled along on a wire as he flails ridiculously in an attempt to make it look like he’s swiftly climbing a tree in the distance.

Milobar: That team of three stout men yanking on a rope are doing good work! Then the Universal Soldier starts soaring towards them like a goddamn flying squirrel.

Donkey: And then runs off like a gorilla. At this point The Geek sees fit to point out that the Universal Soldiers have the have the ability to regenerate and heal their wounds. Really? How did they manage to engineer that?

Milobar: Keep in mind that he didn’t say they have the ability to do either of those things QUICKLY. Technically, all humans have the ability to regenerate and heal their wounds. Otherwise a paper cut on your finger would be a death sentence.

Donkey: And now we come to one of the greatest sequences of the movie. As they’re walking along, just moments after and one can assume only about fifty feet away from where The Professor was killed, Blonde Army Chick gets snagged by a snare and pulled into the air, where she hangs upside down by her foot.

Milobar: The Major quickly cuts her down so that, of course, she won’t be hanging upside down and vulnerable, because obviously if the Universal Soldiers have set a trap, they’re going to come around looking for what they’ve caught in it.

Donkey: As she’s being helped up, Shouty McSmallBalls throws his gun to the ground and freaks out, calling it a useless piece of shit and once again proclaiming that they have to get to The Armory. I don’t really know what prompted that outburst, but from all this talk about it, that must be one sweet armory.

Milobar: They must have tanks, rocket launchers, and power suits with fucking flamethrowers in them. It’s going to be awesome! Once again they begin to argue, and this time the blonde chick suggests that they should be out in the open so that they can see the enemy coming. Shouty McSmallballs then points out, “But then they can see us too!” Yeah, that’s why they call it being out in the open, but thank you for explaining basic physics to me.

Donkey: Shouty McSmallballs argues that instead they should stay in the woods, where they can use stealth. Yes, because this group of shitheads has proven to be the stealthiest motherfuckers on the block so far, trundling around and screaming at each other every chance they get. Who could possibly detect these masters of the shadows?

He doesn't ask to be cut down, because like anyone watching this film, he's begging to be put out of his misery.

Milobar: This great scene continues as they walk forward a few more feet and The Major suddenly gets caught in a similar snare. At first everyone points their guns at him in surprise, and then they just burst out laughing and start to make fun of him. I’m going to pretend you’re a piñata! Hilarious!

Donkey: After a few seconds of Yahoo Serious-level comic gold, the completely unthinkable happens and The Major is suddenly impaled by one of the Universal Soldier’s wooden spears. Seriously, you could not have seen that coming unless you had a set of semi-functioning eyes and cerebral cortex functionality that rivaled a jellyfish with fetal alcohol syndrome.

Milobar: That was exactly why The Major cut down the blonde chick a few minutes ago: this is a goddamn trap. You should probably get out of it quickly, or someone is going to die. But instead he gets killed by a goddamn spear that isn’t even truly a spear. It’s a fucking fence post that’s been whittled down to a point. Do you know how powerful you’d have to be to throw that through someone’s body?

Donkey: But this just gets even better as after freaking out for a few seconds and shooting in the general direction that the spear came from, the team stops and begins yet another goddamn pointless argument without taking so much as a step away from the area. HEY! THEY JUST KILLED THE MAJOR WHERE YOU’RE STANDING! MAYBE MOVE YOUR ASS!

Milobar: WE’RE GOING TO SCREAM AT EACH OTHER SOME MORE! GOT THAT?

Donkey: This just keeps going for about three minutes. That might not sound like it’s very long, but take a moment to sit and look at a clock as you just yell for three straight minutes. Trust me, it’s a lot. But now that Blonde Military Chick has finished yelling in this Lab Assistant Chick’s face, it’s time for Champagne Assault Rifle Man to step up and take his turn. Because the only way to follow up unnecessary screaming is with even more unnecessary screaming.

Milobar: How did they convince anyone to be in this goddamn movie? If I were an actor and somebody brought this script to me and asked me to be in this, I would tell them to fuck off. Even if it was my parents, or someone that had pulled me out of a burning building and the only favor they wanted in return was my appearance in this movie, I would still tell them to fuck off.

Donkey: You’d have an easier time convincing me to appear in a CakeFart video.

Milobar: I’d sooner star in an episode of Manswers or Deadliest Warrior.

Donkey: Our group finally decides to leave. They end up walking on a dirt road, stopping moments later by a corpse that they find, only to begin yet another argument. Fuck, this is PAINFUL.

Milobar: What the hell are they talking about?

Donkey: I have no idea. Every one of these arguments is an outstanding combination where you can’t hear the dialogue and it makes no goddamn sense.

Milobar: They might as well just be reading grocery lists to each other. PEANUT BUTTER! SKIM MILK! FROSTED FLAKES! EGGS!

Donkey: Literally one after the other, every single character starts screaming about some shit that doesn’t make any sense. The corpse might as well get in on that action and add its two cents worth. Finally, once they’re all finished for a moment, the Medical Chick tries to explain why they should be going to The Mainframe instead of The Armory. Fuck, haven’t they had this shouting match several dozen times already?

Milobar: Watching this movie is like getting punched in the balls with a fist wrapped in sandpaper. But not a direct punch in the balls. Just a glancing blow, so that you get the full bite of the sandpaper.

Donkey: Fuck, I can’t believe how terrible this audio is. And it’s not even restricted to when they’re screaming, even though they’re doing that most of the time. It’s when they’re simply talking in a semi-normal speaking voice as well. It’s hard to make out anything.

Milobar: Now they’ve stopped again to take a goddamn smoke break.

Donkey: Apparently this army platoon is unionized.

Milobar: They decide it’s time to sit in a circle and have a heart to heart talk with each other, chatting about why they got into the military.

Donkey: Shouty McSmallballs talks about how he had no choice because he was a fuck up as a kid, Champagne Assault Rifle Man explains that he just wanted to blow shit up without getting arrested, and The Geek chimes in with the fact that he went to Stanford. Of course, the other two immediately tell him to shut the fuck up. Yeah, fuck him for having a brain in his head. It’s much better to be a sociopath.

Suddenly Champagne Assault Rifle Man has someone call out to them on a walkie talkie that he pulled off the corpse they found. Apparently it’s some dude named Hernandez and a bunch of other army douches who are getting killed somewhere else. Naturally, Champagne Assault Rifle Man begins screaming into the walkie talkie so loudly that we can’t hear a thing.

Milobar: Champagne Assault Rifle Man just boots it off into the distance, screaming.

Donkey: Our heroes all take off in pursuit, trying to keep up with this raging cockmonger as he steamrolls to nowhere in particular. You would think that someone in the army wouldn’t be this much of a spaz. If anyone would stop and think before running into a slaughter, you’d think it would be training military personnel.

Milobar: You would think. And where the fuck are they right now? They don’t know where they are, and they have no idea where Hernandez is, so they absolutely have no idea where the fuck they are going. Fuck, they were only three ‘clicks’ from The Armory before. Did they think the fastest way to get there would be to walk in the opposite direction?

Donkey: But now it’s time to stop and have another ball-rattling screaming match about absolutely nothing. And just as things are really taking off, Champagne Assault Rifle Man has decided that he’s heard enough and decides he’s going to shoot this Lab Assistant Chick in the face. What the FUCK?! But before he can commit this awesome murder, everyone else erupts into even more shouting and it breaks down even further.

This whole fucking movie is like someone took a snippet from Aliens where Bill Paxton is freaking out, yelling, “That’s it man…game over man!” and just looped it over and over for a goddamn hour.

In the middle of the argument, Shouty McSmallballs suggests that Lab Assistant Chick and the Blonde Army Chick should start making out. Then Champagne Assault Rifle Man eventually moves on with his murderous rampage and starts threatening to kill The Geek. And this is no less ridiculous a second time.

Milobar: This entire scene degenerates into them all just pushing each other around, screaming in each other’s faces, and calling each other assholes. Why are these people even still trying to work together?

Donkey: The Blonde Army Chick declares that they need to make more weapons. Make weapons? OUT OF WHAT? If your goddamn fully automatic assault rifles aren’t going to do the trick, what exactly are you going to make on your own that could do any better? A fucking nuclear warhead out of three rocks and a particularly large scab?

Milobar: Let me just disassemble my shoes and see what I can come up with.

Donkey: Again they’re saying they have to get to The Armory. Fuck, I’ve heard this about twenty times now. Just move your ass and get there already. But suddenly the Medical Chick is taken out by another stick that comes sailing through the air out of fucking nowhere. The rest of the group immediately starts shooting at nothing, just to show the air who’s boss. Which brings us to another aspect of this movie that makes it second to none: Normally in an Asylum film, they will have people hold their guns in a way so that the ends of the muzzles are out of frame, so that you can’t see that they’re not actually firing anything. Blanks are expensive, you know. In this movie, they don’t even do that much. These guys are just running around with their guns clearly doing NOTHING, while the sound effect of gunfire can be heard. They might as well be pointing them and yelling, “BANG BANG!”

Milobar: And that’s what makes this another true Asylum classic. They can’t be bothered to even try to hide their shitty production value.

Donkey: After sending a hail of mind-bullets through the air, our team separates, running off in different directions. I suppose that’s an improvement over their decision to just stand and argue like they did after the last person died. As we see them stalking their way through sparse trees, The Medical Chick and the Blonde Army Chick, the two surviving women, run into each other.

Milobar: I think Blonde Army Chick is totally going to rape Lab Assistant Chick. But we also see Shouty McSmallballs and The Geek, both standing on opposite sides of the same tree.

Donkey: Realizing that someone is on the other side of the tree, The Geek gets a fist ready and Shouty McSB’s cocks his gun, as they both ready themselves to confront the other. I have a feeling as to who’s going to win this argument.

An Asylum film metaphor: one of them represents the movie and the other common sense. If they meet, someone has to die.

Milobar: They jump out and The Geek punches Shouty in the face, just as Shouty McSmallballs shoots The Geek in the fucking throat with his shotgun. Oops.

Donkey: Just then we switch back to the two women hiding behind a tree when suddenly a Universal Soldier rears up before them. It takes one swing at them, then darts off. Wow. That’s quite the killing machine, alright.

Milobar: It goes back to Shouty and The Dead Geek, and just then Secret Agent Douche walks up to find the fresh corpse. Shouty looks at him and just says, “If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.” Um… you snuck around the same tree, both thinking the other was a Universal Soldier, and you shot him by accident. That doesn’t really seem that unbelievable.

Not really that concerned with a dead geek, Secret Agent Douche looks off into the distance and declares that they have five miles left. What? I thought it was only three ‘clicks’ how the fuck long is a ‘click’ then?

Donkey: The movie eventually goes back to the two women walking together, and the Lab Assistant Chick is suddenly holding what has got to be the biggest fucking pinecone I’ve ever seen in my life.

Milobar: She’s just looking at it, smiling like they’re on a goddamn nature hike.

A pinecone really is a lot more interesting than anything else going on in this movie.

Donkey: This doesn’t even seem like it was in the script, as there’s no mention made of it at all. It’s like this chick just happened upon this giant fucking pinecone and wouldn’t put it down, even after they started filming again.

Milobar: “I wonder if I could put this thing in my vagina?”

Donkey: And now we’re turned back to the group of three remaining men, just wandering through the woods. Fuck, I’m getting flashbacks of Alien Vs Hunter again. It’s like I’m having flashbacks from ‘Nam.

Milobar: I don’t understand how in the same scene, the audio for one dude is cranked to eleven, and for the other dude in the scene, it’s set to negative one.

Donkey: It’s almost as if they attached the mic to one dude’s jacket lapel, so it sounds like he’s screaming and everyone else is whispering.

Milobar: At this point, I wouldn’t doubt if that was the case.

Donkey: So the three remaining men, Secret Agent Douche, Shouty McSmallballs, and Champagne Assault Rifle Man, catch sight of one of the Universal Soldiers, and the Secret Agent Douche explains that these super soldiers were all developed with common traits, but also with specialized individual supers. He explains that the one, apparently named Teleklaus or something ridiculous like that, has the ability to shapeshift. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Just keeping piling it on, boys. Does he also transform into a gun? Did some asshole try to create Megatron?

Milobar: The three of them start talking about what they’re going to do to get out of here when Champagne Assault Rifle Man goes from threatening to kill anyone who isn’t quiet enough to loudly declaring that he’s not leaving anyone behind, even the dead people I’m guessing.

Donkey: Outstanding. It’s like they handed someone with extreme bi-polar disorder a gun and a bucket of Crystal Meth. He goes from extreme valor to “don’t look at me funny or I’ll fucking kill all you bitches” at random. But now the movie returns to the two chicks wandering around by themselves.

Milobar: It’s been a couple of minutes, so it’s time for them to stop and scream in each other’s faces for a while.

Donkey: I’m not even trying to listen to what they’re saying anymore. It’s pointless.

Milobar: Now we switch to the most homo-erotic, ass-rubbing, Dutch Rudder operation that I’ve ever seen.

Donkey: The three remaining men are all walking back to back in a little triangle, appearing to be heading in no particular direction, square dancing their way to Hillbilly Heaven.

I wonder if they've noticed my explosive diarrhea...

Milobar: As they go, the Universal Soldier keep running past them, flashing across the camera in front of them.

Donkey: The great part about this is that they’re not standing in the middle of the deep woods. They’re in a clearing, out in the open. So no matter how fast these super soldiers are running past the camera, these three chumps should be able to see these things running the whole time, from the spot where they came from over to the spot where they end up.

Milobar: They can see it running across their vision, they can’t possibly miss it.

Donkey: Suddenly they turn around and it’s standing right behind them. The Universal Soldier is a courteous foe, however, as he just stands there while they very slowly bring their guns up, take aim for about ten minutes, and try to work as a firing squad.

Milobar: But of course, as they finally start to fire, they discover that they’re all out of ammo at the same time. In an act of desperation, Secret Agent Douche throws some loosely executed martial arts attacks which, as expected, have absolutely no effect.

Donkey: He and the Universal Soldier end up rolling down a hill together. These fucking super soldiers really do suck. First one throws a single punch at a woman and then runs, and now this one’s rolling down a hill with this dude. This seems more like elementary school flirting than any kind of real danger.

Milobar: I don’t know, that’s sounds pretty intimidating to me. If I went rolling down a hill with Secret Agent Douche, I’d be terrified for my life. And now the two of them end up hanging off a cliff.

This looks perfectly reasonable as long as you don't tilt your head slightly to the left.

Donkey: This is The Asylum, however, so hanging off a cliff consists of lying along the ground and them tilting the camera sideways. Look at that shit. That’s just outstanding. The goddamn trees in the scene are either growing out of the ground horizontally, or that AIN’T A FUCKING CLIFF.

Milobar: The shot of them rolling down the hill to get to this point was the same thing. It was just a sideways shot of them somersaulting along the ground.

Donkey: Moments later, Secret Agent Douche gives up hanging from the “cliff” and tumbles to a gentle stop at the grassy bottom, where he sees the opening to a tunnel and a boulder on the hillside just above it. With a single shot from his pistol, which I could have swore was out of ammo just a minute ago, he brings the boulder crashing down and dives into the tunnel just before it’s blocked, leaving the Universal Soldier outside to try to figure out what to do to counter this giant ball of papier-mâché.

Milobar: Perfect timing!

Donkey: The movie goes back to the two women, who are standing by a tree and sharing a tender moment where Lab Assistant Chick is telling the blonde that she’s glad to have her company, when suddenly the tree gets struck by another one of the sharpened fence posts that these Universal Soldiers are throwing around. Wait, this thing was nailing people with those without fail from extreme distances before. Why did it miss now?

Milobar: Fucking hot dogs are more of an ultimate killing machine than these things are. It might take a while, but at least hot dogs are guaranteed to kill you.

Donkey: I’d be more scared of heating my dinner in a fucking plastic container than these damn things at this point. But the movie switches back to Secret Agent Douche, who is crawling through tunnels, apparently trying to get to The Mainframe.

Milobar: They spend the vast majority of this movie arguing about where they should go, to The Armory or to The Mainframe, and when they eventually get to both, you realize that neither was worth going to in the first place.

Donkey: The movie turns back to the two women, who are now taking cover by a log. Suddenly one of the Universal Soldiers grabs the blonde by the head and tosses her.

Milobar: Looks like Shouty McSmallballs and Champagne Assault Rifle Man have finally reached The Armory.

Donkey: Success! But before we can see them load up on what I’m sure will end up being the most glorious instruments of death ever shot on film, we go back to Blonde Army Chick and the Universal Soldier, who are still locked in a life-or-boredom struggle.

No, no. Go ahead and aim. I'll wait.

Milobar: They speed up the film so that it looks like this fight is intense, and ridiculously so. I feel like I’m watching the end of The Ice Pirates again. She finally gets the upper hand and screams, “why won’t you die?” as she’s beating on it. It won’t die because it’s not designed to, lady. They literally said as much earlier.

Donkey: So she defeats this ultimate killing machine by knocking it around until it’s on its ass and then stabbing it with a stick? Seriously, why are these things considered even remotely dangerous?

But now the movie turns back to the two men at The Armory as they open the doors and reveal its grand contents: six handguns hanging on a wall and a row of helmets. That wouldn’t even qualify as an armory in a fucking Latvian slum. And what made this especially ridiculous for us was that the first time we watched this movie, we were in Blombo’s basement. And Blombo’s father happens to be a hunter who owns a lot of guns. So as this ‘armory’ was revealed to us, we were literally sitting next to a rifle cabinet that had more goddamn guns in it that this fucking armory did. The other great thing about this is that they were carrying fully automatic assault rifles in the first place. So this whole time, they’ve been screaming about how their only chance for survival was reaching a place where they could trade those up for some fucking handguns. That’s as retarded as exclaiming that the only way that you’ll ever manage to fight off a clan of ninjas is by trading your katana straight up for a plastic butter knife.

Wait until the rest of them arrive and see that there are less guns here than there are at an American pre-school. This is going to be hilarious!

Milobar: Secret Agent Douche, now inside some sort of secret lab, manages to escape from a Universal Soldier by shooting him. I thought bullets aren’t supposed to defeat these things? They don’t actually show us how he managed to get away anyway, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Donkey: With that random bit of lazy film making over, we now turn back to the two dudes back at The Armory. They hear someone coming, so they pull open the doors and stick their guns out.

Milobar: I love how they stick their guns out, but don’t bother to fire or actually look around the corner. What’s the point of doing that?

Donkey: It’s like they just want to show whoever is approaching that they do, in fact, have guns, but they don’t know how to use them. Well done, boys. Fear not. This will all be over soon and you can go back to waiting tables in East LA. But it’s a moot point, as it turns out to be the two surviving women arriving at their idiotic defensive line, who have managed to finally catch up to them.

Be careful! Mitchell already pooped in there!

Milobar: Secret Agent Douche has located a pod with yet another Universal Soldier in it.

Donkey: That’s the same fucking pod that Mitchell climbed in at the end of Transmorphers to shut down the machines.

Milobar: That most certainly is.

Donkey: It quickly switches to the perspective of the Universal Soldier in the pod for a moment, and we see this one’s name is Skyler. That’s got to be the shittiest name for a killing machine that you could possibly come up with. Fuck, you might as well have called it Rainbow at that point. Secret Agent Douche opens the pod and kills the Universal Soldier by shooting it in the face several times. That’s funny, once again I could have swore that they specifically said that wouldn’t kill them earlier in the film.

Milobar: Yep. These things are supposed to swallow bullets. So it’s a good thing that the other four survivors loaded up at the armory as they prepare to make the dreaded run to The Mainframe.

Donkey: Which looks a lot like a shitty radio tower. And for this scene they decided to change things up a bit, as all of the dialogue is now being drowned out by the fucking wind. Did they film this in a goddamn hurricane?

Milobar: Champagne Assault Rifle Man is running with two goddamn SMG’s, one in each hand, pointed to the sky of course.

Donkey: Suddenly a Universal Solider pops up and nails Shouty McSmallballs in the leg with another pointy stick. Champagne Assault Rifle Man runs up screaming “MAN DOWN!” and the blonde stands around screaming randomly.

Milobar: The absolutely baffling thing about this is that we saw the Universal Soldier pop up out of the grass about six feet away when it attacked. Why is it just sitting back while these people stand around and scream like idiots? Why not kill all of them right now?

Donkey: Considering how easily two of them have been killed now, maybe these Universal Soldiers can’t fight worth a shit, other than throwing sticks from a distance. But now Champagne Assault Rifle Man lights up a smoke and hands it to Shouty, giving him one last thrill before he dies. Well, second to last. He’s going to stick a finger up Shouty’s ass in a moment.

Milobar: He got a spear through the leg, for fuck’s sake. He’s not dying. You could at least try to carry him or something. What happened to not leaving anyone behind?

Donkey: It’s too late for all of that, but at least they’ll get to say a proper good bye as he and Champagne Assault Rifle Man now look like they’re about to make out.

Milobar: I think he’s going to try to swallow his head, like a snake eating a rabbit. “Don’t worry my love, I’ll save you by carrying you in my stomach.”

Donkey: The two of them are speaking quietly to one another, as a tender moment is shared between the two men, but the fucking wind is still drowning the whole thing out. I can’t hear a goddamn word they’re saying.

Milobar: Honestly, I don’t want to hear a word they’re saying.

Donkey: Finally Champagne Assault Rifle Man moves on, leaving Shouty McSmallballs behind as the Universal Soldier comes out to finish the job. For some reason, the Universal Soldier runs past and just pushes the stick slightly further into this guy’s leg. That’s it? But apparently it was enough to push him over the edge, as Shouty takes his gun, puts it under his chin, and does the only intelligent thing that anyone’s done in this entire movie as he blows his goddamn brains out. Of course, the gun doesn’t actually fire and we don’t see his head explode like it should. But whatever. Pantamime will do, I suppose.

Milobar: Champagne Assault Rifle Man once again starts freaking out. He’s running forward, suddenly pulls a 180, shoots five or six bullets out of each of his SMGs, and then he just tosses them away. He doesn’t drop them or throw them out to the sides, he just kinda tosses them up about six inches like a nine year old girl.

Donkey: Wow, I’m glad they made it to The Armory. That single moment was the only thing that its weapons were used for, and that was so worth it. And once again, I love how during those five or six shots of his guns, they don’t bother to use blanks or simulate the guns firing in any way. He finally catches up to the two women, who have already entered the front door of The Mainframe. But just as he makes it inside, closes the door, and turns around, we see that Champagne Assault Rifle Man has taken a stick to the chest like so many before him and is about to die. But before he does, he rips the dog tags from his neck.

Milobar: And then kisses them?

Donkey: Yep. He really is a fucking lunatic. And then Blonde Army Chick, out of either mercy or a genuine sense of satisfaction, shoots him in the back of the head to put him out of his misery. But just then, the blonde feels the barrel of another gun placed on the back of her head and discovers that Lab Assistant Chick has betrayed her. Lab Assistant Chick now reveals that this whole thing was a test that she perpetrated to prove that one of her men was worth fifty of these regular soldiers. I’d say that test was a pretty big fucking failure then, considering two of them were taken out using a stick and a handgun, respectively.

Milobar: But as Lab Assistant Chick is blabbing on, a grate falls down from the ceiling behind her and Secret Agent Douche drops down without her noticing. He takes aim behind her and shoots her in the back of the head.

What?! I can't hear you trying to distract me over the sound of the vent clanging down behind me!

Donkey: Wait, the blonde is standing about four feet directly in front of the evil lab assistant. If she got shot in the back of the head, shouldn’t that bullet have gone through and struck the blonde in the goddamn face?

Milobar: Especially from that distance. But of course now Blonde Army Chick uses her incredible computer hacking skills to break into The Mainframe.

Perhaps they should have programmed these guys to do something with windows other than make funny faces.

Donkey: While that’s going on, one of the Universal Soldiers tries to break down the front door to get in and stop her, while Secret Agent Douche tries to hold it shut.

Milobar: This door has a window that allows us to see through to the face of the Universal Soldier, and this window just happens to not have any glass in it. So in reality, the thing could just reach through and grab the Secret Agent Douche. And it’s very quick, but at one point the Secret Agent actually puts his fingers through where the glass should be by accident.

Donkey: That’s just goddamn awesome. Finally the blonde manages to reactivate The Mainframe, which shuts down the Universal Soldier that was attacking somehow. Not really sure why, as it’s not clear what The Mainframe allowed them to do.

Milobar: Order pizza, I’m guessing. “Hello Pizza Hut? This is The Mainframe. We need some pepperoni, STAT!”

Donkey: So moments later we see the Secret Agent Douche on a phone, calling back to HQ, filing a report and asking for air support to come and lift them off of the island.

Milobar: I don’t understand this. They call for an airlift out. Sure, why not. But then we see them walking down a dirt road to get to the helicopter. Why didn’t the helicopter just come to the building and get them there? Wouldn’t that make more sense?

Donkey: As they’re walking, the Secret Agent Douche stares at her ass and then awkwardly stumbles his way through proposing that he put his penis inside of her.

Milobar: I think he’d prefer to have her penis inside of him.

Donkey: The blonde indicates that she would indeed like to see his predictably unimpressive rod of pleasure, and they start making out. And really, why not? She’s got a vagina, I think, so according to the laws of shitty movies, she should want to have sex with any man who asks with very little motivation as to why.

Milobar: This is almost as awkward as watching Sad Titties in Snakes On A Train. But then, suddenly, Secret Agent Douche gets speared from behind.

So baby, I thought you should know that it's not just the hair on my head that's this greasy. But that's okay because I brought my crab sham-AAAAUUUGGGGHHH!

Donkey: What? Why? Why is this Universal Soldier that walks into view still active?

Milobar: The blonde chick yanks the spear out of the Secret Agent’s chest with one hand and then runs off.

Donkey: Seconds later, she stops to catch her breath and the camera pans over to show the Universal Soldier speed walking in very gradual pursuit.

Milobar: It arrives at the last spot we saw her, which was only ten feet in front of him and then looks around confused, not sure of where she went. It turns out that she climbed into the tree right beside her. But she did this while he was approaching, so there’s no way that he couldn’t have seen exactly where she went.

Donkey: She jumps down and attacks, and a fearsome struggle ensues. Well, fearsome in comparison to those nights where you play-wrestle with your cat. Once again, she stabs it in the chest with the stick and screams the same fucking line, “why won’t you die?” Why the fuck won’t that line die?

Milobar: Now that she’s finished him off, she stumbles down to a lake to clean herself off because she’s covered in blood.

Donkey: Sweet Jesus. That water she using to clean herself off looks like it came from a sewage lagoon.

Milobar: Suddenly we get to see the giant robot from the opening credits, and it’s being activated! Wait, who’s turning this robot on? Uh-oh, she’s in trouble now, robot crotch is one hundred percent activated!

Donkey: In classis Asylum form, they recycle the exact same scene within seconds. They show a monitor that’s displaying all the robot’s parts as they are charging and then switching to enabled. Then it shows this robot rocketing up an elevator. And then for no discernable reason, they show the exact same scene of the monitor and the individual components charging and then becoming enabled again.

The movie switches back to the blonde washing her hair in the nuclear sludge spill site, and the robot walks in from the horizon. We can now see how big this damn thing is, which is just continuing to make it even more ridiculous. Why even bother with super soldiers that can be killed with fucking sharp sticks if you’ve got a robot that’s ten stories high? Just like the end of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, where they spent the entire movie building up Galactus as the ultimate threat that could never be defeated only to have him destroyed rather easily, this movie also nullifies everything that they’ve (very poorly) been trying to do. This robot makes everything else arbitrary and pointless.

Hmmm...I think I'm going to need to find a bigger stick for this one.

Milobar: Now it’s time for stock footage of fighter jets. Oh, Tiny Juggernaut, you sure were earning your money on this one.

Donkey: As the robot pursues the blonde, she runs and screams into a walkie talkie, attempting to send attack orders to the fighter jets.

Milobar: How the fuck is she managing to run faster than a robot that’s ten stories tall? As she frantically scrambles along the countryside, she falls and drops her walkie talkie. Oh no! How can the jets fire on her mark now?

Donkey: As the tension builds, let’s arbitrarily cut to more stock footage of jets. Sweet. Now the blonde manages to make it to what appears to be the island’s power station.

Milobar: Once again we see the jets and they appear to be flying in the desert. Where the hell is the desert around here? No part of this island looked like a goddamn desert before?

Donkey: There’s nothing like using stock footage that doesn’t even fit with the rest of your film. They might as well have spliced in footage of World War II dogfights, or the Wright brothers taking their first flight. Finally the robot catches up to her, making his way into the power station.

Milobar: This is such a gay ending. Not that any of the endings in any Asylum movies are good. Apparently the goddamn robot has lost track of this one blonde woman and thinks she may be in the sky, because it starts looking up. Moments later the robot gets hit with a couple of direct missile blasts that manage to do a net damage of zero. Seeing an opportunity, the blonde chick fires her pistol at the power station and manages to cause an explosion, which electrocutes the robot. I’d love to know where you have to shoot a goddamn power station that will make it explode and fire out electricity like a goddamn Tesla coil.

No! Not electricity! Aside from the love of a small child, that's my only weakness!

Donkey: The robot then begins to burn in a ridiculous fake fire. I’d love to know what they are suggesting is feeding that fire. It’s a goddamn metal skeleton. It’s not like it was carrying big fucking tanks of propane.

Milobar: I think flamingly gay might just count as combustible.

Donkey: Finally feeling safe, we see the blonde waving at…cargo planes? Where the hell did they come from? The movie fades out, and comes back in to show the blonde back at military HQ, as she’s handing in the dog tags of the soldiers who died on the island. When the hell did she gather those up?

Milobar: The movie ends as we see an anonymous hand grabbing the dog tags, taking them up a flight of stairs and dropping them on a table next to a computer, where someone uses them to load each of the personnel files and ominously delete them.

Donkey: Of course, the profile pictures of the people that are coming up on that computer look nothing like the people who actually played the characters, but I guess there’s not really any point in trying at this point. Fuck it…it’s the end of the movie.

Milobar: What a square kick in the goddamn balls this movie is.

Donkey: This was absolute goddamn nonsense, which might be a tie with Alien Vs Hunter when it comes to most confusing plot that I’ve ever witnessed.

Milobar: This movie is almost exactly like Alien Vs Hunter, as both are about people who fight with each other for no apparent reason, wander through the woods and tunnels with no real objective, and are hunted very poorly by idiots in costumes that appear to be cobbled together from the discarded inventory of a inner city thrift store. You could arguably take all the shots of the alien and the hunter in Alien Vs Hunter and just swap them with the shots of the Universal Soldiers in this movie and it would be the same damn thing.

Donkey: I guess that makes sense. After all, if you mash two cornback chocolate rattlers together, you still end up with a handful of shit when all is said and done.

The Verdict:

Donkey: If you’re going to knock off a movie with JCVD in it, you should have chosen the movie Knock Off. The irony alone would have made it awesome. But either way, you’re going to have to pull out all the stops to make it a more glorious shit heap than the original, if that’s even possible. But consider it done, friends, and in spades. It’s a quite simple recipe, actually. Take one part horribly unrelated Terminator cyborg introduction, add a plot that seems to pick up an hour into the story, mix in BLLLLAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH BALLS ON MY FACE WE’VE GOT TO GET TO THE ARMORY AAAAAAARRRRRGGHHHH!!!!, and top it off with a pinch of unnecessary giant robot ending. Now that’s a fucking movie. I give this five champagne assault rifles out of five.

Milobar: Ultimately, this film is an introspective look in to the modern human condition. Will we one day be defeated by our own technology, or will we somehow find stability with our world and our environment? Will we have to choose between heading directly towards our internal Mainframe, or take the time to visit The Armory of our souls? Will we be able to properly master our own perception so that when we are laying horizontally on the ground we will see that we are actually hanging vertically off a cliff? These questions are unsettling, and we may never find a satisfactory answer to them, mostly because this movie is FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I give this movie 58 sharpened fence posts out of 6 handguns in The Armory.

What We Learned:

Donkey: THE ONLY WAY TO ADDRESS ANYONE IN ANY GIVEN SITUATION IS WITH INCESSENT SCREAMING, PREFERABLY WITHIN SIX INCHES OF YOUR COMPANION’S FACE AND WITH BREATH THAT SMELLS LIKE YOU’VE BEEN FRENCH KISSING A TROUT’S ASSHOLE! IT’S COMMON GODDAMN COURTESY!!!!!!!

Milobar: The next time I find myself in a situation where I don’t have anything witty, clever, or even remotely relevant to say, I’m just going to start screaming incoherently. If it works for The Asylum I’m sure it will work for me.

Don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: JCVD once again rocks our world, this time with intense crotch exercises and invicible Coke machines in…DOUBLE TEAM.

Back To The Main Page.

You have to be there to see it? What? Was something equally intelligent like, "It's a movie!" already taken?

Donkey: When I think back to my childhood, there are certain memories that I know will always belong to me alone, locked away in this brain for as long as it continues to function at the most basic level. Granted, that could all change someday, should I happen to be rendered a mental houseplant with a cranial capacity that forces me to trade away reason, memories, and the capacity for rational thought in favor of drooling, staring vacantly, or actually enjoying a Brad Paisley album. But in the meantime, I will treasure those memories as my own. Whether it’s the time I found a ripped up Playboy magazine in an empty field on the way home from grade school and saw a naked woman for the first time, or the first time I took my parents’ car out on my own after getting my driver’s license, and subsequently ran over a small clan of gypsies only to spend the remainder of that evening burying them in that same field. Ah, the circle of life. And until recently, I counted The Ice Pirates as one of those very private memories. My family had rented it a couple of times when it first came out on VHS, but not a single one of them ever remembered what it was about, or ever having watched it. I myself couldn’t remember much about it, apart from knowing for certain that it did, in fact, exist. But that was more than I could say for Blombo or Milobar, as the looks I got when I recommended it for Shitty Movie Night contained a level of vacancy and confusion so deep that I immediately recommended that they audition for a part on The Hills. But rather than keep this gem in the cloudy haze of my early childhood, we decided it was time that we search it out and share in the majesty that was Robert Urich. Goddamn, what a mistake that was.

The Plot:

Donkey: Trying to describe the plot of The Ice Pirates is so stupid that even the movie itself doesn’t bother. Instead, the plot’s description on the back of the DVD cover is riddled with ridiculous puns, hoping that you won’t notice that it only serves to take up space without actually accomplishing anything. It’s no wonder that no one has ever seen this goddamn movie. “Have an ice day”? “The manic, concluding…battle is just the ice-ing on the intergalactic cake”? That’s preposterous and remarkably unclever. “This movie isn’t even worth PIRATING a copy”. See what I just did there? Not so goddamn hard, was it? Game, set, and match, The Ice Pirates DVD.

But despite the fact that the film’s distributor didn’t see fit to do it, I’ll use three sentences to summarize the catastrophe that you’re about to witness through our eyes. In the depths of space, there exists a galaxy that has lost all of it’s water, save one single planet. With the entire galaxy’s water supply under the tight control of evil Templars, one small band of pirates dares to defy the odds and the very laws of physics. Led by one of the true titans of obscurity, Robert Urich, this band of misfits and the Princess that Robert is desperately trying to show his penis to, seek out a lost king and the mythical water planet that he was searching for.

Oh, and there’s herpes. Lots of herpes. Enjoy.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: Sweet, sweet Ice Pirates.

Donkey: Of all the Hollywood movies that we’ve watched for Shitty Movie Night, this one is probably the most obscure.

Milobar: It’s definitely one of the most ridiculous.

Donkey: We kick things off with an introductory paragraph being displayed on the screen that’s also being read by a narrator. I never really understood it when a movie handles their introduction this way. If you want to put some text up on the screen to open your movie, fine. If you want to have a narrator give an opening monologue, cool. But why do both? Why would I read through your paragraph if someone is quite literally reading it for me? And on the other hand, if I’m trying to read through this tripe, it’s very distracting to be forced to hear some asshole slur out the words over top of the ones that are already going through my head.

Milobar: The narrator explains that after the Planetary Wars, the galaxy has gone dry and the Templars have absolute control over the remaining water supply.

Donkey: Really? The entire galaxy? That’s pretty remarkable.

Milobar: The only thing left of value is water because somehow it’s all gone missing. Look, I don’t think you assholes quite understand how these things work. It had to go somewhere.

Donkey: You have to love how this movie offers absolutely no explanation as to how this happened. Just accept it. Now here’s a cookie. Go outside and play. As as small side note, if nothing else, I love this movie just so that when I say, “Robert Urich,” and people say, “Who are you babbling about now?” I can reply, “watch The Ice Pirates and learn, motherfuckers”.

Milobar: This was made during that time in the early 80′s, just after Star Wars, where Sci-Fi movies were all the rage. So of course you’ve gotta have that rogue Han Solo lead character, some robot sidekicks, an intergalactic princess…

Donkey: And abject racism.

This movie is probably their equivalent of looking back at an old high school year book.

Milobar: Definitely racism. And Ron Perlman. I forgot Ron Perlman was in this.

Donkey: Not to mention Anjelica Huston. What the fuck was she doing?

Milobar: The movie starts as the pirates are preparing to attack a water freighter on the edge of a convoy. Of course, as the pirate ship flies onto the screen, there is triumphant music playing. Hurray for our heroes! About to steal water from it’s proper owners!

Donkey: That water was headed to the orphanage on Beta-7. Thanks, pirates! Our heroes land their ship on top of the freighter and prepare for their stealth boarding procedure, which consists of taking a laser cannon and punching a hole into the side of the enemy vessel. I imagine that it probably came down to a coin toss between using that or a giant battering ram.

Milobar: You know these special effects are better than anything I’ve ever seen in any Asylum film, and The Asylum didn’t start making movies until years after this had already faded in to oblivion. After getting his crew of glorified space monkeys to shoot a hole through the hull of the water ship, Robert Urich peeks through. With a visible range of about 2 degrees he comes to the conclusion that no one is around and declares that they’re good. How do you know that you didn’t trigger an alarm? Or there aren’t guards on their way? Or that there just wasn’t anybody walking by at that moment? Fuck it, who cares? Commence using the laser to cut a door sized hole in the side of the ship!

Donkey: It’s the Metal Gear Solid philosophy of espionage rearing it’s ugly head once again: as long as something doesn’t happen within a four foot cone of vision directly in front of any patrolling guards, it must go unnoticed. Hell, it practically never happened.

Milobar: It’s hard to argue with that logic as we experience the movie’s first attempt at comedy, and they make an explosive entrance into what turns out to be the shitter. And of course there’s an alien present shitting exactly the same way a human does.

Donkey: Why the fuck did that thing just sit there this whole time?

Hey, how about a courtesy flush?

Milobar: Someone just spent five minutes cutting a huge fucking door in the wall next to you! I guess it must just be regular scheduled maintenance.

Donkey: In shock at the sudden invasion of its privacy, the alien makes about fourteen consecutive fart sounds. I suppose the movie is trying to suggest that the pirates have literally scared the shit out of this thing. We’re dealing with high-brow comedy here, folks.

Milobar: While doing their best to sneak through the ship’s hallways, the robots that the pirates have brought with them decide to fuck up everyone’s day and start fighting amongst themselves.

Donkey: Naturally. If you’re going to build yourself a small troupe of fighting robots, it’s just a matter of common sense to model them after The Three Stooges. They’ll get shit done and be delightful while doing it. Sure, their antics might be exceptionally annoying and have an extremely high probability of getting you killed, but it will end up being quite heart-warming if you manage to survive long enough. And isn’t that what’s important? After evading the robotic sentry that their squabbling metal fighters had attracted the attention of, a door opens right next to the pirates and they are immediately discovered by an old woman.

Milobar: What? A maid? Why would people in the future wear maid outfits?

Donkey: Looking at this, I would guess strictly for the sake of sexual role play. Grandma here looks like she’s about three washing machine spin cycles away from begging for it. She takes one look at Roscoe, Robert Urich’s black first mate, and starts calling for guards. The gang pushes their way into her room, closes the door behind them, and muzzles her as guards gather on the other side of the door.

Milobar: Fuck, why would these guards use swords? And wear chainmail?

Donkey: I think they’re taking this whole ‘pirate’ theme a little too literally. Just because these guys are committing the act of piracy, that doesn’t mean that everyone in this movie should look like they’re from the eighteenth century. As Roscoe is pretending to be the old white woman and calling off the guards, Jason (played by the sweet Robert Urich) walks into another room and discovers Princess Karina lying in a hyperbaric chamber seemingly filled with dry ice.

Milobar: No, I’m pretty sure that’s just fart gas. She’s been in there a while.

Damn. Somebody already gave this chick a 'baked potato'.

Donkey: What the hell? Were you eating beef burritos, lady? Jason takes the surprisingly bold initiative of opening the stankchamber, risking the chance that he might wake this woman who is clearly sleeping off an asparagus and chili eating contest, then holds two fingers in front of her face. Hey lady, smell my fingers. Does this smell normal to you? Then, thinking no one’s looking, he reaches for the top of her dress…

Milobar: Robert Urich, trying to maintain his title of Greasiest Motherfucker Ever, attempts to sneak a peek at the titties. Seriously, what was the point of that?

Donkey: As they’re about to leave Princess Karina’s quarters and continue with the heist, Roscoe walks up behind one of his own robots that is standing at attention and cuts a wire in the back of its neck. The robot then walks off with a limp. What the hell was the point of that? Did he just really not like that robot?

Milobar: He’s probably just mad that his dad got laid off at the hydrochloric acid processing plant and was replaced by a robot. Fuck, even though this is supposedly a freighter full of ice, the only place this band of morons was able to locate any was in the goddamn engine room. Why would ice be stored in, arguably, the hottest room in the ship?

Donkey: As Jason and his band finally make their way there, it’s not even cold enough that you can see their breath. So it doesn’t appear that they’re even bothering to try to cool this room in any way.

Milobar: Arrggg!! My hand!

Donkey: As he’s pointing Jason in the direction of the sought after ice, Ron Perlman has his hand cut off by an attacking robot. No worries, though. He retrieves it off the ground a moment later, calm as a Hindu cow.

Milobar: Why is there no blood coming out of Ron Perlman’s stump?

Donkey: Apparently the wound was immediately cauterized shut by the inner fires of his white-hot embarrassment. As Jason and his crew are attacked by hostile robots, they send their robots in to fight for them. And of course, even though they seem to spend enough time practicing on each other, their robots fight very badly. This is just so wacky and lovable.

Milobar: But their little midget robot manages to fight back with some barely adequate martial arts skills that mostly involve kicking the other robots in the nads?

Donkey: Repeatedly. Because if you want a robot to feel that kick, you’ve got to really pound on those balls. Sure, I’ll build a robot that has balls, and sure, I’ll make sure those balls are his weak spot. But I’m not going to make those balls hyper-sensitive! I’m not a goddamn moron!

Milobar: Once the fight is over, Jason coaxes one of the robots over to the railing, and then pushes it off. Because hey, fuck robots.

Donkey: Their two remaining robots who witnessed this suddenly snap to attention and march away in an exaggerated orderly fashion, as if frightened by these developments. It’s nice to see that they programmed these robots to somehow feel fear, as well as have an over-developed sense of comedic timing.

Milobar: As the scene switches to the control room, there are gay dudes watching Roller Derby. So in the future they have pirates, chain mail, Roller Derby, and control rooms full of gay dudes. This is what you get America! A future dominated by Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.

Donkey: As the commanding officer and his crew sit around watching the finest entertainment that the late 70′s has to offer, Jason and a few of his pirates sneak in and hold them at gunpoint. Once they’re satisfied that they’ve secured the control room, Jason radios back to the rest of his crew, telling them that they can commence with loading the ice onto their ship.

Milobar: You know, there’s a significant difference in scale between the freighter and the pirates’ ship. The freighter is about a thousand times larger than the pirates’ ship. So they could only get away with about a half of a half of a half of a percent of that cargo at best. It would barely even be noticeable, let alone profitable. You’d lose more to melting and evaporation in that goddamn engine room alone.

Donkey: After a few minutes of awkward chit chat about the princess and a bizarre moment where one of the pirate robots appears to be masturbating next to a captive woman’s face, one of the flight crew gets up the courage to dive for the control panel and hit the emergency alarm button before Jason has a chance to laser up his ass real nice like. And once that happens, all hell breaks loose.

Milobar: Holy shit. Did Robert Urich just deflect a laser with his wristband?

Donkey: He certainly did, as a person tried to shoot him from about three feet away.

Milobar: How fast and accurate do you have to be to deflect a laser with anything, let alone a wristband?

Donkey: You’ve gotta be Robert Urich-fast, baby!

Milobar: Watching them all running back to the ship, something very important just occurred to me: You would have to think that if water is the most valuable resource in the entire galaxy, then these people haven’t showered in a long time.

Donkey: That’s quite astute, and I’m willing to bet that you’re right. Everyone in this movie probably smells like a dead yak’s crotch. As they flee to safety, Jason elects to spilt from the group and meet them back at the ship. You know a man like this can’t pass up the opportunity for some free date rape, especially when it saves him the cost of a roofie. He runs back and grabs the still unconscious princess to take as a trophy.

Milobar: As they escape back through the shitter, they pass the pooping alien again, who is still examining the bump on its head from their last encounter.

Donkey: Why the fuck is that thing still in the shitter? Whether you can remember how you got there in the first place or not, if you wake up in a shitter with your pants down, there is only one universal rule to follow: RUN.

Milobar: Why was that alien even on the ship? Everyone else was either a human or a robot.

Donkey: As the pirates prepare to make their daring escape, the movie cuts to a battleship, closing in on the freighter to investigate the emergency alarms that were set off. Immediately they suspect that they’re dealing with pirates and do the only rational thing possible.

Milobar: Prepare to fire! Now cut to an external shot where they do nothing for thirty seconds.

Donkey: Um, alright. Apparently preparing to fire is about a ten minute process. The pirates blast off and attempt to make the ultimate getaway by playing a game of ‘space chicken’ with the battleship. As the two ships fly at one another, one of the soldiers on the battleship is counting down the seconds remaining until impact, and finally the commander orders that they take evasive action at the two second mark. Of course, some of the most astute viewers of this film probably noticed this for themselves, but IT TAKES MORE THAN TWO SECONDS JUST TO SAY THAT ORDER OUT LOUD, LET ALONE EXECUTE IT. But regardless, they somehow manage to get out of the way in time. Everything seems to be clear sailing from that point, so Jason calmly orders Anjelica Huston to initiate evasive tactics and seems to be visualizing the extremely satisfying shit he’s about to take. BUT WAIT!

Yep, I definitely think they might have found us.

Milobar: “I think they found us!” Really? No shit, you just flew past them! THEY’RE RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND YOU! And as a last ditch effort to get away, the ship breaks into three parts.

Donkey: That was done quite nonchalantly. Say, what do you say we ditch two thirds of the fucking ship? Boy, by any measure of reason, that should have drastic consequences and not be done without careful consideration. But I’m feeling pretty gregarious, so sure, why not? And of course, it works perfectly and they get away! YAY! Tuna salad sandwiches for all! No, not really. It doesn’t work at all. The battleship is unwavering as it follows, attempting to sodomize the pirates’ craft with laser fire. Realizing that their gambit was about as successful as this movie was at the box office, Jason and Roscoe dash for a control panel and start applying countermeasures to hold off the battleship’s incessant attack. What do their countermeasures consist of, you ask? Well since you’re so goddamn nosy, I’ll tell you. Roscoe sits at a control panel and plays what is basically a bastardized version of Space Invaders, where instead of hordes of aliens, he’s trying to shoot the laser fire as it comes streaming down at the ship. All the while, Jason is standing over his shoulder behaving like your mother did when she tried to take some interest in the videogames that you played when you were a kid, pointing and yelling at him to SHOOT THAT ONE! NO, THAT ONE! And as is always the case when you have a nagging, judgemental distraction hovering over your shoulder, Roscoe ends up failing miserably. The moment that this videogame declares “contest over”, a hole is blasted into the side of the pirates’ ship and soldiers begin swarming in.

You don't even want to know what has to happen for them to end up playing Centipede.

Milobar: They rescue the princess and arrest everyone on the ship. Before being taken away, this dude declares that killing Jason and Roscoe’s gang would be too easy. He has something better in mind for them. Who the fuck is this guy?

Donkey: He’s a dude named Zorn, but I prefer to call him by his pet name, the High Chancellor of Balls in Your Mouth. Moments later we see Jason and Roscoe in the holding cells of some kind of prisoner transport, cramped in with a bunch of other greasy thugs, including this bearded chap named Killjoy that explains to them that they have all been sentenced to castration. It makes for great dinner conversation while they all enjoy the meal that has been lazily distributed to them.

Milobar: The thing is, a eunuch was walking around, pouring soup haphazardly into the bowls being held in the outstretched hands of the inmates as he passed. But soup is made primarily out of WATER. That seems like a terribly expensive thing to be feeding prisoners.

Donkey: Yeah, that seems like it would be a delicacy. If anything, I would have thought that they would have been passing out stale bread or some shit. But then, that goes back to how poorly planned this movie’s entire story is. If you have no water, you can’t grow any food. So there shouldn’t be anything to eat at all.

Milobar: Suddenly the prisoners all gather in awe as they approach Mithra, the water planet!

Donkey: Water planet? So this planet, where the Templars come from, is the only source of water in the galaxy. See, that’s fucking insane. If this entire galaxy was without water, and there was one single planet that they used as the source of all their water, that fucking planet would not have water for very long. No fucking water source is infinite, so this is basic supply and demand. A single planet, or even a solar system is one thing, but if an entire galaxy needs water, they’re going to suck that one fucking planet dry real fucking fast.

As their holding cages are unloaded from the ship and carried across a hangar, our heroes catch sight of the princess and her maid walking with Zorn as they pass by. Just then some random fucking dude explains that she’s the daughter of a king/famous explorer who has been missing for three months, after setting out in search of the famed ‘Seventh World’. But little does the princess know, her father was actually killed by the Templars.

Milobar: Thank you, white Candyman. Thank you for explaining everything about the plot of this movie in the span of one minute and thirty seconds. They’re unloaded in what looks like a Crayon producing factory, but is supposed to be the neutering facility, and strapped to a conveyor belt that is slowly taking them to their doom. But first they pass by a couple of dudes using hedge trimmers to make it appear like they’re cutting off everyone’s clothes.

Donkey: There’s absolutely no way that anyone could be good enough with one of those fucking hedge trimmers to cut through their clothes and only their clothes as they pass by on a goddamn conveyor belt. They’re not wearing fucking used tires. The next group of people they pass by lather them up so they can apparently be shaved. What? Why the fuck would you bother shaving them, especially at this point? Can’t that wait until later?

Milobar: There’s nothing quite like a sweet, industrial strength shave.

Donkey: They continue on to the next group, the actual shavers, consisting of an old dude that’s shaking so badly that it appears that he’s the poster child for Parkinson’s disease (which is exactly whom you want coming at you with a straight razor) and another man whom looks like an offensively stereotypical 80′s caricature of a gay man. How fucking random. Moments later, they reach the end of the line and come face to face with a ball-hungry chomping metal jaw. Wait…let’s look at that for a moment in summation. So this castration machine is a conveyor belt at the end of which there is a giant metal jaw that’s supposed to bite their balls off. That’s it? That’s the fucking DUMBEST WAY to carry out castrations that I could possibly think of.

Milobar: That’s a castration machine? I thought it was just supposed to be a metaphor for Robert Urich’s career.

This is the most efficient method of castration you can come up with? Why not just use peanut butter and hungry dogs?

Donkey: But just as the machine is about to feast on their nads, it pulls away and they find themselves still in possession of rather tiny balls. It turns out that the princess has made arrangements to save them. Why? I’m not really sure. She met them for all of seven seconds when they were trying to kidnap her. You wouldn’t think that would be long enough to make an impression, let alone a good one. Regardless, she’s arranged for them to be spared and taken into her employment, providing that they pretend that they’re eunuchs. Jason and Roscoe oblige by talking in really high voices. HILARIOUS!

Milobar: I don’t understand how castration is supposed to somehow make them obedient, robot-esque servants. Fuck, why would you even want a human servant that acts like a robot when you are surrounded by servants that actually are robots? Now that the maid has explained the situation to our boys, we move on to a party scene, featuring ‘future dancing’ and fashion that appears to be a combination of turbans and spandex leotards. ‘Future dancing’ sure is radical, it’s a combination of the dumbest shit you can imagine and apparently the Macarena.

May I have the next awkward set of movements that barely resembles dancing, my lady?

Donkey: But crazy, dysfunctional dancing and fashion that can only be described as a schizophrenic’s miscarriage aren’t the only highlights of this party. A group of people are putting stethoscopes connected to car batteries to their temples and running an electric current into their heads, which is apparently some kind of space drug. And I can surmise this from the fact that they’re quite literally getting high, floating up to the goddamn ceiling. That’s goddamn ridiculous.

No, seriously, what the fuck are YOU looking at?

Jason and Roscoe, fulfilling the obligations of slavery, work Princess Karina’s party as servers, and eventually discover that Killjoy, the same bearded dude from the holding cells on the transport, is hanging around in a suit of armor in a room with a group of robots.

Milobar: Why the fuck does this big dumb guy keep showing up?

Donkey: I have no fucking idea. And why the hell is he hiding here, of all places? But this is just the beginning of the things to come in the next couple of minutes that don’t make any goddamn sense. As soon as they discover Killjoy hanging out with the robots, they are immediately summoned back to the party to speak with Princess Karina. So once again we get a sweet shot of the Solid Bronze Dancers and their dry-heaving lambada.

Milobar: This dancing is just embarrassing. How do you convince people to do this?

Donkey: The Princess explains to her two pirate servants that they’ll be leaving immediately to journey to the Pirate Moon. And just then, Zorn, or the HCOBIYM, asks the Princess to join him for a brief conversation. She hesitates, so for some reason he calls for soldiers to arrest her and the two pirates. Why the fuck is he attempting to have her arrested? Other than perhaps for crimes against fashion, I can’t really think of any possible grounds. But since there are no answers forthcoming, we’ll just move on. Naturally, our heroes bolt out the doors, only to be once again joined by Killjoy. Fuck they just can’t shake this guy. To make a quick getaway, they jump onto a ‘future motorcycle’. As much as I love how much this goddamn motorcycle is just a regular one with shitty sheet metal welded onto it, I’m far more in love with the sound they make as they drive, having totally ripped off the sound effect used for the Lightcycles in Tron.

Milobar: Cue the Benny Hill sketch! Our retarded heroes race off on their space-cycle, dragging Killjoy in his suit of armor along behind them as they’re chased by a future cop car with spikes on the front of it.

Donkey: And of course, for this chase scene they’ve sped up the film speed so that it appears that they’re going really fast, even though they’re just drifting along at the same leisurely pace that a senior citizen’s cart would drift through a shopping mall. Speaking of which, they’re going through a what appears to be some kind of shopping area when suddenly the barrage of tedium gives way to the heartbreaking bizarre, as the pirates’ motorcycle and the cop car that’s following them smash into a family of three robots that are walking through the shopping facility, destroying two of them.

Milobar: Oh. My. God. The one robot left is screaming, “Mommy! Baby! Mommy! Baby!”

Donkey: Fuck that’s disturbing. Jason proves to pilot a motorcycle about as well as a spaceship, as he soon crashes through the front windows of a shop and sends them all sprawling. He and the Princess take off on the motorcycle again while Roscoe and Killjoy end up separated and on foot. As those two are left by the side of the road, wondering how the hell they’re going to get away now that Jason has taken off with the motorcycle, a random robot with a black face comes up and starts talking jive to them.

Milobar: Trying to sell them titties!

Donkey: Wow. The train of cultural sensitivity just keeps on rolling through this movie. That’s some fucking fantastic racism right there. As the movie turns back to Zorn and his soldiers, trying to interview people and figure out where their prey has escaped to, we see that robot still rolling around in the background, crying, “Mommy! Baby!”

Milobar: Just then they turn to see what I think is supposed to be a ship taking off. It turns out to be the Princess and the entire pirate gang making their escape. How did Roscoe and Killjoy meet back up with them on the ship? Ten seconds ago they were with the jive talking robot and now they’re on the ship with everyone else.

Donkey: Now that they’re once again sailing through the cosmos in freedom, Jason and Roscoe are obviously not too receptive to taking orders. But the Princess demands that they still take her to the Pirate Moon, explaining that she intends to use the water onboard to pay for the services of a man named Lanky once they get there. And to make sure that they cooperate, she’s rigged the ship so that if anyone tries to tamper with the water, the ship will self-destruct. How and when did she pull off this hack job? And why would you not just set it up so that it killed the person trying to do the tampering, rather than having the whole ship explode and kill you all?

Milobar: Back in Gaytown, Evil Bad Guy Numbnuts is going through a security checkpoint, where he clambers on to a ‘metal detector of tomorrow’ only to have it go off. He looks at the guard like he’s annoyed, takes out his money purse, and dumps out some coins. Are you fucking kidding me? His entire costume is made out of metal. His fucking change set this thing off? Fuck, a better question: why are they still using gold coins as currency in the future? This movie is so indiscriminately shitty I feel like I need to take a goddamn shower. Zorn then proceeds into an atrium where he finds the leader of the Templars or some shit like that. I don’t even care anymore, this movie makes me want to kill myself. He reports to this old dude that the Princess has escaped on the ship, and that everything is going according to plan. This old bastard that Zorn’s talking to is going to make me puke. Those are some fucked up arthritis hands.

Sir, I hate to say that I told you so, but remember that article I showed you about cracking your knuckles?

Donkey: Although now that we see him up close, we can see that Zorn is doing his best to keep up on the creepy scale with some fucking over-plucked eyebrows. But with that brief escapade into geriatric hell at an end, the movie turns back to our heroes on their ship. Jason is talking to some dude at the port that they’re heading to, when the camera slowly pans over to what looks like a baked potato on the floor that starts to leak out Vasoline. A few seconds later, a worm-like alien creature bursts out of it.

I think I'll be choosing mashed or fries for quite a while after this, thanks.

Milobar: Uh oh. Space herpes!

Donkey: The camera pans up and we see Roscoe is sleeping nearby with his shirt off…

Milobar: …in the ship’s fucking bridge…

Donkey: …with a coat over himself. As he undoubtedly dreams of something that will earn him a little more respect than being in this film, like kicking blind children down a flight of stairs or throwing puppies in front of speeding buses, we see the little alien crawling up on his shoulder. He awakens and reaches back to find the little worm thing, tossing it to the floor as he jumps to his feet in panic.

Milobar: Why is he still wearing that scarf?

Space-aged sleepwear at its gayest.

Donkey: That’s outstanding. He took his shirt off to get some sleep, but not his ascot? After he and Jason find the creature again only to have it escape, Roscoe mentions that he thinks that it came from this one particular cargo bin. After opening it, they check the manifest and see that it was for…space herpes.

Milobar: Okay, so why would that be on the manifest? Why was there a box containing space herpes in the cargo? Who ordered that? Where were they shipping it to?

Donkey: Someone was actually paying them to transport that?

Milobar: After that random sexually transmitted interlude they finally arrive at the Pirate Moon, which appears to be a shitty town where everyone beats the crap out of each other on a regular basis. As they travel along on one of those carts that they use to shuttle old people around airports, we get to see a variety of the local population including an overabundance of midgets. Fucking space midgets. They ruin everything.

Donkey: You can’t have a Sci-Fi without space midgets. And a fucking cantina, of course, as they soon arrive at a place called the Pirates’ Den where they meet up with Anjelica Huston and Ron Perlman. Wait, how did those two manage to either escape or be released when the pirates where arrested earlier in the film? Fuck, nevermind.

Milobar: I guess when the ship split in to three parts these two geniuses didn’t follow the impressive and proper escape plan alpha, otherwise known as: fly straight forward and hope they don’t catch us. Some black dude is sitting in the cantina with a parrot on his shoulder that has been plucked of all it’s feathers. As PETA’s arch nemesis is about to enjoy a meal of live mice, some other dude comes up and motions over towards our Wonder Group, saying, “It’s the cute one and the nigger”.

This makes me want to cry every time I look at it.

Donkey: Realizing that he’s talking TO a black guy at the time, this dude suddenly corrects himself and says, “Oh, I mean the black gentlemen”. Fuck, that’s so random that I’m absolutely stunned. Again with the racism. Sometimes you forget how far we’ve come in the western world until you’re reminded by shit like this. I can’t believe the ridiculous amount of mature content in this movie that otherwise seems like its intended for children.

Milobar: There’s so much shit in this movie that’s goofy, and then there’s some serious fucking shit that’s just completely offensive. It’s like they couldn’t make up their minds what kind of movie they actually wanted to make.

Donkey: Anjelica Huston and Ron Perlman fill Jason and Roscoe in on the current climate of the galaxy, explaining that a bounty has been put on their heads. But Han and Chewy…um, I mean Jason and Roscoe, don’t seem the slightest bit concerned. Anjelica then tells Jason and the Princess that Lanky is hiding out in a place called Sweet Water. When Princess Karina asks Jason where Sweet Water is, he explains that it’s about fifty miles out of town, so they’d need a land craft to get there. And he only knows one person who has one, as he motions over towards a fishman sitting off at another table. Jason goes on to explain this dude works for the city so he can’t be bribed with water, but maybe if the Princess was real nice to him, he’d do them a favor. I believe he’s suggesting that she go blow that fishman.

Milobar: What? Since he works for the city, he can’t be bribed with water? This is the goddamn Pirate Moon. They have a municipal government? That’s it, they’ve finally done it! This movie is so retarded it has officially made me forget how to do long division.

Donkey: Not only that, but a government that can’t be bribed. The fucking government of the Pirate Moon is apparently a beacon of ethics. She goes over to the fishman and it turns out the fishman is actually a fishwoman, who is now looking over to Jason with sexy bedroom fish eyes. Slowly it dawns on Jason that he’ll soon be going down on a carp. But before he does, the Princess finally reveals that the reason that they need to get to this Lanky character is because he apparently knows the whereabouts of her father.

Milobar: Fuck this whole scene. They’re sitting here at this bar, drinking. You know, to distill alcohol, I was under the assumption that you needed water. So if water is your source of income, how much water would you have to pay to get an alcoholic beverage?

Donkey: It’s not only water, but it’s water that’s been processed and turned into something, so you’ve got the extra investment of time and resources. That’s like taking thousand dollar bills and encrusting them with diamonds. That should be a fucking expensive drink. But before this clusterfuck comes to a close the random black guy and his racist companion that we saw taking careful note of this pirate gang earlier come over and ask the Princess if she’d like to dance. Since Jason is over sweet-talking the fishwoman, Anjelica Huston comes to the rescue and tells these chumps to beat it. But of course, random chumps in bars don’t exactly take rejection from any woman very well, so the black leader of the local chapter of the KISS fanclub stands back while his pal, Patty McRacistpants puts on a masterful display of might.

Milobar: Is he just attacking the table?

Donkey: Yep. He manages to cut the wooden table in half with his sword with a mere three swings. That’s sorta-kinda-not-even-close-to-impressive. After a brief and uninspired duel, Anjelica manages to takes this asshole’s head off, and then treats the black KISS fan to the humiliation of having to publicly apologize to the Princess as his featherless bird sinks into an even deeper pit of shame. Slowly the scene fades out and transitions to Jason and the Princess racing across a desert in the fishwoman’s transport.

Milobar: Fuck, now that’s an awesome ‘future car’. Hey, didn’t they say that it was only fifty miles out of town? Couldn’t they have just flown their ship there?

Still not as stupid as the AMC Gremlin.

Donkey: You would think. They’re coming up to Sweet Water, which is marked by a sign that says “Population: 1. Trespassers will be violated.” Not killed, or maimed, or even sent away with hurt feelings. Violated. It’s not often that you see people brave enough to come right out and threaten rape on public signs. Kudos.

Milobar: This Lanky guy is so hardcore. He lives in a series of tents that are ripped to shit. Fuck the elements, I sleep on the ground bitch!

This movie would honestly make more sense if THEY were the pirates.

Donkey: Yes, this Lanky fellow is living in what appears to be a series of progressively less ripped tents. Awesome. That’s going to provide just the cover you need from those pesky sandstorms. But on the plus side, he does have two baby donkeys (my favorite part of this movie, naturally). Finally they meet up with Lanky, who is shooting at gophers with a slingshot. Not a space-age, ‘future slingshot’. Just a regular old, over-the-counter slingshot that you’d get from Wal-Mart.

Milobar: That’s not just a little crazy.

Donkey: Nope, that’s pretty super fucking crazy. As they press Lanky on the location of the Princess Karina’s missing father, again the conversation goes back to the fabled Seventh World. Lanky explains to them that the last time he had seen her father, he was recounting the tale of how he had found it, only to be ambushed by Templars.

Milobar: So this Seventh World is a water planet. But as you mentioned already, if it’s only one planet with water on it, that water isn’t going to last very long if the whole galaxy needs it.

Donkey: Nope. They’ve just thrown that little detail out there without thinking of the consequences. If your entire galaxy is out of water, then the movie better involve your ass finding an entire galaxy of water, not just a planet. Regardless, as Lanky finishes his tale, he looks off into the distance where he sees a car of hoodlums fast approaching.

Milobar: I love this fucking pirate car. Gigantic ten foot wheels and a massive paper mache skull on the front.

We are SO metal!

Donkey: A fucking foam skull that is the most ridiculously cartoonish thing they could possibly add. Seriously, somebody thought to add that to their car with a straight face? Is this a goddamn Gwar video? That doesn’t make these assholes intimidating, it makes them a joke.

Milobar: I’m surprised that they don’t have a giant box on top that they kick over so a balloon can inflate into a giant hand that’s giving the devil horns.

Donkey: Correctly figuring that now would be a good time to get the hell out of Dodge, Jason and the Princess round up Lanky and make a run for the fishwoman’s car. But before they can reach it, these Asspirates of the Caribbean Sands fire their laser cannon and send the woman and her vehicle back up to that great fishmarket in the sky in a grand explosion. Goddamn, I just can’t take this seriously. This fucking vehicle is like a goddamn six year old’s idea of bad ass.

Milobar: If they just stopped the vehicle and the eighteen dudes riding on top of it got out, they could kill these three idiots in about fifteen seconds.

Donkey: The Thunderdome Rejects then fire on our three heroes as they run, searching for an alternate means of escape. And as laser blasts are raining in around them, all of Lankey’s tents are going up in massive explosions. Come on. Laser or not, in order for something to explode like that, you need some kind of goddamn flammable accelerant. So what the fuck does he have in those goddamn tents? Oily rags and kindling? Our three protagonists eventually loop back around and jump in a vehicle that I could swear is the fishlady’s.

Milobar: Wait, didn’t these bounty hunters just blow that thing up a minute ago?

Donkey: I could have swore that was the case myself, and I don’t know what other vehicle this could possibly be. I guess the fishwoman was highly flammable and her car was a fire retardant. They race away with their aggressors in steady pursuit. As the villains pull up close behind them, one of the bounty hunters jumps down onto the heroes’ craft. After grappling rather poorly for a few moments with this Mad Max motherfucker, he and Jason both tumble overboard. Naturally, Jason manages to grab some cable that is inexplicably hanging off the back of their vehicle. Goddamn it. Sand or not, do you know how badly his junk would be destroyed by being dragged behind a vehicle on his stomach?

Milobar: What junk?

Donkey: Jason lets go of the rope and as the bounty hunters’ Styrofoam-skulled monstrosity passes, he grabs part of its tire and does a ridiculous flip into the air. Most people would have their arms ripped squarely out of their sockets, but Frillypants McCracken here manages to somehow toss himself into the air and land squarely on top of the vehicle, where he immediately begins pushing off all the bounty hunters from behind. Once it is down to just him and the leader of this gang of chumguzzlers, Jason leaps off the vehicle to safety just before it runs into what I can only guess are oil drums and explodes. Of course, him leaping to safety from this speeding embarrassment without so much as a scratch just begs the question, why don’t all the others that he booted off the thing moments ago just gather themselves up, march over, and kill him? After all, he kicked the rest of them off as this thing was traveling at the exact same speed, so if he’s okay, shouldn’t they be as well?

Milobar: Jason returns to his two companions to find that Lanky is dying. Let’s get you out of here…HGGGGNNNNN!!! *poop*

Donkey: After Jason attempts to reef the mothefucker up off the ground, Princess Karina tells him that Lanky’s back is broken. Whoops. Thanks for making him a quadriplegic, asshole.

Milobar: Obviously concerned about this guy who might sorta, kinda, almost be his friend, Jason asks Lanky if there’s anything he can do for him. What can you do for me? Let me ask you son, have you ever heard of a ‘Rusty Trombone’ or a ‘Dutch Rudder’?

Donkey: So now that Lanky is dead, with two baby donkeys and pigs in tow, Jason and the Princess simply walk all the way back to their ship. And moments later we see them back onboard with the rest of the crew with nary even a parched throat.

Milobar: Why does Roscoe have an admiral’s jacket on? And why is that robot playing with his robopenis?

Donkey: Even better than his metalicock: the robot is playing with the one screw that apparently holds its entire body together, as once the robot unscrews it, it falls completely apart. Wow. I’m sure glad they included that scene.

Milobar: No! That’s a load bearing screw! For fucks sake, as they take off we see that they landed their goddamn space ship in the middle of the desert. Why didn’t they just fly there in the first place? Okay seriously now, why did they take the pigs and the donkey with them?

Donkey: Really, why not? They’re easily the most handsome characters in this goddamn movie. And now that they’re all safely onboard their ship and flying back through the depths of space, they gather to enjoy a grand feast, in celebration of a job not even close to done.

Milobar: There’s robotic hands hanging from the ceiling and sticking out of the walls, helping people lift and pour things. Fuck, the future is so retarded it almost makes me want to fall asleep watching Turtles in Time again.

Donkey: And as Ron Perlman goes to carve the turkey, out pops the space herpe, giving us the Clark W. Griswold moment of the film. Of course, everyone panics as the space herpe once again manages to get away without incident.

Milobar: Everyone is freaking out and screaming, while the donkeys are just stumbling around in the background, embarrassed to be in this scene.

Donkey: As Jason and Roscoe comically stumble their way through an explanation as to why they haven’t told the rest of the crew about their Cosmic STD, I can’t help but notice that Jason’s got his shirt tied up in the gayest way that I’ve seen outside of a pride parade. What is that?

Does this shirt make my dick look like it should be in your mouth? Probably, huh?

Milobar: He’s definitely a pirate! Now Jason, Roscoe, and the Princess are exploring the surface of some planet. I forget…why are they here?

Donkey: Fuck, I wasn’t listening. I think the Lanky told them that her father was being held here, but I really couldn’t care less. That’s the great thing about shitty movies. If you paid really, really close attention, you could probably figure everything out. Save for some Asylum movies, of course. But they’re just not worth that kind of effort. No matter how much you pan this river of obscurity in search of gold, all you’re ever going to find is nuggets of turd.

Hold still while I paint you onto the side of my van.

Milobar: It’s painful trying to pay attention to this shit. Like why are there Amazonian women riding around on unicorns on this fucking sulphur planet. This shit is insane.

Donkey: Just when I thought this movie couldn’t get any more ridiculous, they pull this rabbit out of their hat and slap me across the face with it. As these women materialize out of the fog, Jason, the Princess, and Roscoe attempt to defend themselves from their attack. But as one of the women rides by, she whips Jason around the throat and drags him behind her fucking unicorn as she races off.

Milobar: Another one of them does the same to the Princess.

Donkey: I don’t think these people quite understand how much it hurts to be whipped in the first place. I can’t be sure, but I would guess that it’s somewhere between taking a dodgeball to the groin and being burned at the stake, not on par with a light slap to the back of the head as the movie seems to be suggesting. But to then have a fucking horse drag you by the throat after that? And they don’t have so much as a mark on their neck afterwards? I’m going to need a whole box of Kleenex to mop the explosion of awesomeness that just hit me in the face. And for some reason, the women see fit to leave Roscoe behind, unscathed. That seems like an odd choice.

Moments later, Jason and the Princess are brought before Bruce Vilanch, who’s playing the flamboyant overlord of these amazons. The Princess demands to see her father and Bruce responds with babbling nonsense before ordering one of his freaky, mannish women to kill Jason. But as she stops flexing long enough to move in to land the killing blow, Roscoe swings down on a rope and, like the proverbial black bowling ball smashing into a bunch of the white pins, knocks Bruce Vilanch and several women to the ground. A struggle quickly ensues, as three or four women instantly pounce on the three heroes. Oh, and Bruce Vilanch’s head falls off. Apparently he’s a robot or some shit. Who could have guessed? Ted McGinley, that’s who.

Milobar: This is the most awkward fight scene I’ve ever witnessed, with this guy rolling around on the floor.

Had this not worked, they would have moved on to their next most fiendish method of torture: gentle teasing.

Donkey: Princess Karina manages to wrestle her way free and put a gun to Bruce’s disembodied head, demanding that everyone stop their playtime antics this instant. Eventually Jason gets up in agreement. Alright girls, better back off. I’ve got space herpes. And now that they’ve got everyone safely subdued, our three heroes move to extract the information they want from Bruce Vilanch. As Roscoe holds the severed head, Bruce mocks them, demanding to know what they’re going to do. In response, Jason puts a feather under his nose, which somehow manages to make Bruce relinquish the location of Princess Karina’s father in exactly four seconds, after only a single sneeze. Isn’t this guy a robot? Would that not be why they’re able to hold his fucking head in their hands? Why the fuck would he be ticklish, let alone to such an extreme that he caves within seconds? Fuck you, Ice Pirates. Now that they’ve been pointed in the direction of the father of the Princess, they race off to discover him alone in a room, only to discover that they’ve come face to face with another robot.

Milobar: Not just any robot. An Omega Robot.

Donkey: Suddenly the movie cuts and they are once again back on their ship. The Princess is still pouting, moaning some shit about, “How could I have thought that thing was my father?” Well, it was a robot that looked exactly like your father. That’s kind of the point, don’t you think? You’re not very bright, are you? While she’s carrying on about this, Roscoe is examining the inside of some robot, looking for stored information. Is that the body of the robot that looked like her father? Or of Bruce Vilanch? We have no fucking idea, but a few seconds later Roscoe says that he found something about a ring, and Princess Karina demands that the disembodied head of Bruce Vilanch tells her where it is. Turns out, it’s in his head. Awesome.

Milobar: So he coughed up this ring that he was hiding in the back of his throat?

Donkey: Yep. And once Bruce spits up her father’s ring, Jason asks what else he’s got in there. Bruce Vilanch says, “Nothing. Care to make a deposit?” Ah, not very subtle gay innuendo. Enjoy, kids.

Milobar: She gets her father’s ring, combines it with her own, blows on it, it starts spinning and then somehow it produces this fucking recorded holographic message?

Donkey: That’s pretty fucking random. So when the dude who wrote this movie sat back and tried to come up with a way to rip off the message that Princess Leia’s left hidden inside a robot for Obi Wan Kenobi, the best he could come up with was a couple of fucking rings? That guy deserves a Lifetime Achievement award in the illustrious category of COMPLETE WASTE THEREOF. I’d love to know how fucking rings are supposed to encode a message, let alone play it back. But again, I just can’t bring myself to care. The recording of her father tells the Princess his coordinates on the Seventh Planet at the center of the galaxy, that she must come there, and that she can’t deviate from a specific path in the slightest or she’d be lost in time forever. How the fuck did he find this place then? If there was no trial and error allowed, how did he manage to be that precise? Fuck it. Set a course for the Seventh Planet!

After deciding to make the harrowing journey, the rest of the crew disbands, leaving Roscoe and Jason alone on the ship’s bridge. Roscoe takes the opportunity to show off his handiwork, having just rebuilt Beauford, the midget robot that has been the only competent one in the film so far. Roscoe explains that he has managed to make him .01 milliseconds faster than the finest Omega Robot ever built. What? Really? This guy is better than the galaxy’s finest engineers?

Milobar: And .01 milliseconds is such a minuscule timeframe that it’s basically not measurable. That’s not really enough of an advantage that it’s worth bragging about.

Donkey: Before leaving, Jason notices that Roscoe painted the robot black and asks why. Roscoe responds that he wanted to make him perfect. Why the fuck would you even notice the color of the robot?

Milobar: The movie cuts to a short time later and we see that once again Jason’s got his shirt tied up in the gayest possible way.

Donkey: Jason arrives at Princess Karina’s room looking sexy as hell, to discover that she has just finished getting a massage from her robot butler. She comments to Jason that she might have overworked the butler, to which Jason responds, “well, there’s a lot of body to rub.” Smooth, cowboy. Isn’t that basically calling her fat? You might want to think before you let garbage like that fly out of your mouth, or you’ll be looking forward to another night of crying and fucking your pillow while she’s wiping fishbones and used diapers off her face.

Milobar: This is another one of my favorite parts of the movie. After some pathetic flirting, it’s clear that Jason and the Princess are about to get it on, and of course there’s a giant TV screen next to her bed. So they put on a tape called Passionate Storm or some shit, which basically shows a massive rainstorm in the middle of the ocean on the giant screen right beside them. It’s supposed to be all sexy, so they start making out. But then something starts spraying them with water like they’re part of the video. Seriously, in a galaxy where water is the most valuable resource, who would waste it on something as extravagant as spraying it on you while you’re having sex?

It's a good thing Jason only lasts about 13 seconds, or this sex would cost a fortune.

Donkey: I would criticize, but I love to be sprayed in gold and diamonds, myself. The Princess, helping Jason disrobe, reaches down and says, “You feel so stiff…your belt, I mean.” What? Really? Ah, horribly transparent sexual suggestion. Enjoy, kids.

Milobar: Pour on the water!

Donkey: I think these two might have a watersports fetish. She says to him, “Shouldn’t you be at the controls?” To which he replies, “If you insist.” And then he appears to go down on her. Fuck, again, who the fuck is this movie targeted at? But once this opulent and far too lengthy scene of bumping handsomes is complete, our team suddenly notices that they’ve got a ship on their tail that’s moving five times faster than any ship they’ve ever seen. This is, of course, because they’re entering the Time Field.

Milobar: But if they’re speeding up, that means you’re speeding up too. So they shouldn’t be gaining on you. Alright THIS is my absolute favorite part of the movie: they’re entering the Time Field. That crazy Benny Hill sketch bullshit is about to start up again. The Templars’ battleship eventually catches up and boards the pirates’ ship. Jason’s crew starts running around and fighting robots and guys in chainmail, as they all get older at a ridiculous rate.

Donkey: At this point, they mention that they’re aging at a rate of a day per every half an hour, but that it’s getting exponentially worse. And to show that time is passing at an incredible rate, they keep speeding up the film randomly so that they appear to almost warp from one point to another.

Milobar: These stupid goddamn pirates keep stopping and having goddamn conversations in the middle of a goddamn attack. How are you doing? Not bad, how about you? Fuck, you’re fighting for your very lives!

Donkey: A life or death struggle is no reason to interrupt some good, civilized discourse. Rules of engagement must give way to the rules of etiquette. As time continues to pass at an exponential rate, our heroes start growing beards. Of course.

Milobar: And the Princess has to go to the washroom because she’s pregnant.

Donkey: As the pirates and their robots continue to fight the horde of Templar soldiers, one of their robots is too scared to go into battle. It’s a fucking robot. I know I’ve brought this up already, but fuck me, why would you program it to be afraid of anything? After much prompting, the robot expels a bunch of oil and random nuts and bolts, which is supposed to be it shitting itself, before it finally goes into the fight. Fuck, that’s just stupid.

After being notified moments later by Bruce Vilanch that he needs to go see the Princess, Jason wanders away from the ongoing battle and ends up taking an epic journey. First he ends up passing by the donkeys and pigs, which are now full grown. He then comes across Princess Karina’s robot butler, which has managed to capture and kill the space herpe. Okay, I guess that was important to see at this point, in case maybe one of the dozens of people who have seen this movie is actually concerned about continuity and tying up loose ends (although that’s presuming that trying to account for continuity in the plot up to this point hasn’t already driven that person thoroughly insane, of course). Finally, he makes it back to the Princess and discovers that she has just rocketed his screaming infant son out of her crotch. In all seriousness, this moment actually seems very true to real life to me. Upon seeing that they’ve had a child, it’s clear that he’s not very happy about it. She’s not very happy about it. Fuck, NOBODY is happy about it. And that, kids, is how most of you come into the world.

Milobar: And then he denies that it’s his and walks away while the Princess watches him leave with hatred filling her eyes.

Donkey: That was the most realistic thirty seconds of this entire film, or possibly any film I’ve ever seen for that matter. For God’s sake. A short time later, the movie returns to the princess and her hellspawn. The Princess tells her son, who is now old enough to be running around on his own, not to bother nanny. The camera then pans over and we see that nanny is a fucking decomposed skeleton sitting in a chair. Goddamn. I can’t handle this continual swing back and forth between the insultingly childish to the offensively mature. And as a brief aside, are you trying to tell me that the old woman who was acting as Princess Karina’s maid was actually named “Nanny”? Really?

I'd probably do the same thing if I were there to witness another Robert Urich entering the world.

Milobar: Now the movie turns back to the crew of pirates who are still fighting the Templar soldiers. Their hair is white, their beards are white. They’re crouching over like decrepit old men. And somehow they’re all overweight. How can they have gained weight when they haven’t eaten anything?

Donkey: And now it’s the beginning of the end. First Ron Perlman drops dead from a heart attack.

Milobar: This is so ridiculous.

Donkey: This is fucking idiotic. Next Killjoy gets stabbed in the back because he’s too old to react.

Milobar: More robots burst in through another wall and Zorn finally shows up, all old and decrepit too. And Roscoe’s got a ridiculously huge afro.

Scientific proof: watching this movie will take years off your life.

Donkey: Just as everything looks like it’s about to end in The Big Sleep for all of our beloved heroes, Jason’s son bursts onto the scene as a full grown man, looking EXACTLY like Jason. Robert Urich really stretched himself here, playing his own son.

Milobar: He looks so much like his dad that he even ties his shirt in the exact same gay manner. And then the scene starts flickering and they’re all on the bridge of the ship again.

Donkey: And just as we wonder where the fuck they’re possibly going with all this crazy bullshit, they travel back to the exact moment that they entered the Time Field. So everything is magically back to the way it was before. FUCK. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! They pulled a Mortal Kombat: Annihilation?

Milobar: They take a moment to explain that the other ship was one degree off the course when they entered the time field, so they’re lost in the time field forever. WE MADE IT! WE’VE REACHED THE SEVENTH PLANET!

Donkey: Which seems to look a lot like Earth. It would be awesome if this movie went on for another half hour or so and showed them landing on that planet in the year 1984.

Milobar: And freeze frame! End of movie!

Donkey: That’s fucking it?!

Milobar: So they made it to the planet and sure, they’ve got this wealth of water now, but look at how insanely hard it was to get there in the first place. How the fuck are they going to get back out and transport that water back and forth? As we know, if they’re off by so much as a degree, they’re lost forever.

Donkey: And as the credits roll, they show freeze frame shots of the movie, like a fucking TV show in the 70′s. I feel like I’m watching the end of CHiPs.

Milobar: Fuck, this is such an amazing movie. I can’t believe I don’t watch it every day.

Donkey: I think I’ll be sending it back into the recesses of my brain now, for the sake of my tender grasp on reality.

The Verdict:

Milobar: Much like a giant coiling steamer, this shit hurts so good. Robots, Spaceships, Pirates, Princesses, Eunuchs? Watching this movie was like peering inside the brain of a recording executive as he tries to imagine exactly how Bittorrent works. The overall premise of this movie makes sense in theory, after all lack of water is a major concern in the developing nations of Earth right now. Of course, their concerns have more to do with free access to CLEAN water, not a mysterious disappearance of every available source. The idea that a civilization in the future has developed laser based weapons, functioning battle robots, and interstellar space travel, but has yet to uncover the ability to purify waste water is ludicrous. We do that shit right now for fucks sake. Oh well, what can you really expect from a bunch of rubberheads running around in chainmail? As a sign that I am getting soft in my old age, and as a concession to everyone I’ve met in recent years who have actually seen this movie, I hereby give The Ice Pirates one Robert Urich out of one Ron Perlman. May they find happiness in each other’s arms.

Donkey: This movie locks you in its handsome, steeled gaze, hoping that you won’t look down and see its shirt tied up inappropriately or the festering rot that’s destroying its withered love pump. The ending of this movie alone could be studied and marveled at for years to come. They enter a Time Field that causes their bodies to age, but their perception of the time that passes isn’t altered (the exact opposite of the widely accepted belief that time is relative). They somehow manage to warp back to a moment in time, somehow reversing the aging that has taken place and even nullifying the fact that most of them had died. And the movie literally ends the moment that they even catch so much as their first glance at their destination. That’s fucking genius. And to top it off, this movie has donkeys. Do you have any idea how rare that is? I therefore give it five cosmic STDs out of five.

What We Learned:

Milobar: Just like the real Herpes, everyone freaks out and runs around screaming the first couple of times they see The Space Herpes, but after a while no one remembers or seems to care that it is running rampant in the bowels of your leaky vessel.

Donkey: Watching this movie again has reminded me that memories can be strange things, and dredging them up can be a lot like hoping to resurrect loved ones by burying them in a pet cemetery. So remembah, sometimes dead is beddah! Oh yeah, and even though time is relative, it still has a definite effect on the state of matter and the rate of its decay. So if ever you’re standing next to someone who wants to play a little prank and wind a clock ahead, punch that asshole square in the face before that little prank causes your body to rapidly age.

Don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Humanity’s last great stand against the onslaught of engineered soldiers specializing in low production values in…UNIVERSAL SOLDIERS.

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I'm willing to give them a mulligan on the 'Alien' on the left, as that's sort of the way it looks in the movie if you've been huffing glue, but that 'Hunter' on the right isn't even close.

Donkey: Like many things in life, expectations can be a blessing or a curse. While providing a standard of quality that some aspire to achieve, they can also act as landmines, waiting to shred those who afford them too little respect into a bitter fondue of failure. After being made into a fairly successful comic book series years before its release, the first Alien Vs Predator movie was the object of a moderate amount of anticipation, and in turn, expectations. While it did quite well at the box office, and was even deemed successful enough to have warranted a sequel, it was heavily criticized and considered by some to be a disappointment. Enter the Asylum and their version, Alien Vs Hunter. This is where the movies that they produce thrive. They have no such constraints, no bars of quality to volley over, as the only people who would possibly be stupid enough to actually anticipate them are the three men involved with this website. And since they bask in this monumental lack of standards, anything short of quite literally lighting your film’s budget on fire and going home with no product to speak of can be considered a success. After witnessing Alien Vs Hunter, however, I honestly think they should have just piled up that cash and struck a match.

The Plot:

Donkey: Fuck me with a rusty tire iron if I know. Honestly, to say that this movie even has a plot is akin to saying that Intelligent Design is in any way, shape, or form actually associated with intelligence. The badly neglected story that this movie throws up onto the screen can only be described in an outline of its most basic terms, as deeper pondering will only result in a psychological form of ‘the bends’ called ‘AVHemorrhaging’, whose symptoms include comas, flash-undergarment-flooding, and permanent paralysis of the lower jaw. So I will attempt to spit this out as fast as possible before succumbing to these depths of despair and smashing my head into the keyboard in front of me:

One sunny morning, an alien arrives on Earth. From where did it come, why did it crash here, and how did it manage to reach US soil without a single government agency noticing? The movie doesn’t really give enough of a shit to tell us, so I suggest that you follow its lead and keep your mind focused on the task at hand. Its ship wipes out near a small town where it soon encounters the local human populace, or more specifically, a combination of their semi-literate journalists and semi-house-trained hillbillies. Immediately upon the alien’s discovery, a vicious cycle of despair begins: a human dies, so they all gather and try to figure out what to do. They explore the woods and someone else dies, so they immediately flee underground. Someone else dies, so they come back up to the woods. Someone else dies, so they go back underground, where someone else dies, so they come back up to the woods. Lather, rinse, repeat. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, the humans discover that an intergalactic hunter has also come to the Earth in pursuit of the alien. However, it spends far more time trying to kill the humans than it does the alien, so the entire premise behind the Alien Vs Hunter title is pretty much traded away faster than a Rolex in the hands of a crack addict. Finally, one of the humans manages to overcome his incredible burden of extreme stupidity and kill the alien. Witnessing this, the hunter fucks off for no foreseeable reason and the town’s decimated population of three people rejoices. And that’s the end of the……..shit……..too late……..everything going dark……..tell your mom I love her…kjnkilasgtfubuosajsgipoooooooooooo…

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: Our third Asylum experience, Alien Vs Hunter.

Donkey: Featuring William Katt, the dude from The Greatest American Hero, playing Lee, the main character.

Milobar: I don’t even know who, or what, the fuck that is. Nor do I care.

Donkey: It was a show in the 80′s that I can’t actually remember a single thing about, save an unpleasantly tight red outfit. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a full episode. I just know it’s his claim to ‘fame’.

Milobar: I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that this movie is his claim to ‘shame’. The movie begins with Lee running up a hill with his iPod on, so he of course doesn’t notice the fireball that goes shooting by behind him to crash nearby. A very poignant commentary on the iPod generation. Who knew an Asylum film could be so deep?

I am woman, hear me roar...

Donkey: I don’t care if that iPod is blasting Iron Maiden’s Run To The Hills at its highest volume level, that’s the kind of shit that you’re going to have to notice. It would be one thing if that was sailing through the sky miles away, off in the distant horizon, but that flaming atrocity ends up crashing not too far away from him. I’m imagining the ground is going to shake a little bit.

Milobar: Fuck that, I’m pretty sure this dude makes a habit out of ignoring attention grabbing catastrophic events since he’s running up the middle of a highway. This motherfucker is so extreme he doesn’t even want to be able to hear the high speed traffic before it slams in to him.

Donkey: Especially since the first vehicle that enters the scene drives up behind him and the dumb ass doesn’t even notice. If that car had come speeding around the corner and didn’t see him there, this might have been a mercifully short film.

Milobar: Even though the vehicle doesn’t have any Police logos or Police lights on it, the guy driving has what could be loosely described as a Police uniform on, so I guess it’s supposed to be a Police cruiser.

Donkey: It’s just a dude in a costume that they obviously rented, riding in an SUV that they convinced someone to bring to the set. Actually, I’m willing to bet that’s how this guy got the part of Sheriff Armstrong. He had a car and he was willing to drive it around in a couple of scenes for free. We hear the sound of sirens as this vehicle approaches, and yet there are no sirens anywhere to be found on that vehicle. Once the sheriff gets his attention, he repeatedly asks Lee to join him, which seems kind of odd. It’s not often that you see cops begging reporters to accompany when they’re on their way to the scene of an incident.

Milobar: “Come on, reporter guy! Come with me and write this story and you’ll get the Pulitzer Prize for sure! I’m a small town sheriff, so you can trust that I’m sitting on the board that decides who to hand out the award to.” But in the end, it’s doughnuts that convince Lee to come along, and he makes an almost believable production of how DELICIOUS THESE DOUGHNUTS LOOK!

Donkey: After driving further up the hill, and I’m imagining avoiding uncomfortable silence by mutually recounting stories about picking up and exposing their penis to hitchhikers, they pull up next to an RV, which appears to be nothing more than an average sized motor-home. But this white trash estate hides a desperate secret.

Milobar: As Lee walks around behind the motor-home, he sees what the fireball was at the beginning of the movie; an alien spaceship that has crashed kind of behind the motor-home. So this average sized motor-home managed to hide this entire alien spaceship.

Look where? Flaming wreckage where? Directly ahead of me? Seriously?

Donkey: That’s pretty impressive when you account for the fact that the alien ship is smoking, with sparks shooting out, and there are exploding noises every few moments.

Milobar: How the hell do you not notice that thing? An alien emerges from the wreckage to attack the cop while Lee flees for his life. The Asylum won’t let you see what’s going on, of course, because they can’t afford any kind of special effects.

Donkey: This is the first time that we see the alien of the Alien Vs Hunter duo, and it looks absolutely glorious. We are treated to blurry, extreme close up shots of the sheriff as he quickly abandons the ‘shoot-this-fucker-in-the-face’ tactic in favor of the much more effective ‘cower-and-whimper’ technique, as he is either eaten or sexually molested by the alien. It’s kind of hard to tell which.

Milobar: While the sheriff is being molesteaten Lee is ducking down in the driver’s seat of the police car and screaming “ooooooooohhhhhhhh!”.

Donkey: I’m not exactly a method actor myself, but this looks more like he’s blowing a load into his pants than like he’s terrified of something.

Milobar: The alien, fearful that William Katt’s inability to act is contagious, quickly disappears.

Donkey: Apparently this alien is considerate enough to not kill reporters. Or he’s decided to discreetly watch one masturbate. Suddenly, Tammy, a random black chick, runs up and bangs on Lee’s window only a few seconds later. How the fuck she got right up to the window like that without seeing the sizable fucking alien that was chewing on the sheriff’s taint a few feet away just seconds ago is beyond logical description, so we just won’t think about that.

Milobar: That’s awesome. The audio in this scene is not dubbed correctly. Tammy’s freaking out at the window of the vehicle and Lee starts spouting off half formed sentences: “You scared me… I was just sitting in my car… ” What? No you weren’t. You were cowering from a goddamn alien that just eatfucked the town sheriff!

Donkey: And it’s not your car either, Greatest American Liar. It’s the cop’s. After a couple of minutes of spitting nonsense at each other, Lee and Tammy escape on foot and we see a severed hand on the hood of the car. I guess that’s supposed to be the sheriff’s hand. Either that or he had one of the most fucked up hood ornaments I’ve ever seen.

Milobar: That whole conversation between the two of them didn’t make any sense at all, much like our choice to watch this piece of shit. And suddenly they’re in a house, which I am going to assume belongs to Lee.

Donkey: So even though the alien was killing someone right in front of them only moments before they decided to go on a little sojourn back to town, they actually managed to somehow escape and make it all the way back here to Lee’s house unscathed? Did they find the lost city of Atlantis or perhaps the body of Jimmy Hoffa along the way? Because that’s just as fucking likely.

Milobar: In an attempt to handle this crisis, Lee starts assembling what appears to be the writing staff of this small town’s newspaper. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? What are they going to do? Throw the weekly jumble at it?

Donkey: While Lee is on the phone in the other room, summoning the Super Friends to their office, Tammy is busy cleaning herself up in the bathroom. She pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of the trash can, which is apparently a rejection letter from a publishing company in response to a pop-up book or some shit that Lee had sent in. Say what you will about character development, but that just doesn’t seem even remotely noteworthy or relevant at this point in time. I can’t see trying to pull myself together in a bathroom, thinking, “fuck…hold it together, Big Shooter…sure, you just witnessed an extra-terrestrial sexual assault, but you’re still cool…oh hey, what’s this random piece of paper in the garbage all about? An unrelated rejection form-letter? Now this is just what I need at this precise moment in time! SHAZAM!”

As the Greatest American Clump of DickTartar finishes his phone call, Tammy joins him and they enter into yet another incredibly baffling and unmotivated argument, where she even goes as far as to call him a miserable failure in life. This seems like it got unnecessarily harsh at an insanely fast rate.

Milobar: Tammy insists she is not going back outside, but when Lee decides to leave on his own, she frantically screams she won’t stay inside without him. What? Make up your goddamn mind.

Perhaps strapping your camera to a pony while walking him around wasn't such a good idea.

Donkey: As Lee and Tammy start the long trek into town to meet at the newspaper office, we’re given a visual feast. The framing in a bunch of these shots is outstanding. Everything above their eyebrows is cut off completely. Sometimes you can’t even see their eyes. You just see from their nose down to their junk. I know I speak for Blombo when I say invest in a tripod, people.

Milobar: In typical Asylum fashion, these characters go from screaming at one another incoherently and hating each other, to acting like best buddies who’ve known each other for years, in about twelve seconds.

Donkey: This is just continuing to solidify the only constant in this movie, as nothing in any of the conversations so far has made any sense. I have no idea what the fuck these people are talking about. Moments later they decide that the best thing to do with a killer alien running around on the loose is to sit down and have a random heart to heart.

Milobar: After sharing some heartfelt stories about their childhood Pog collections, they notice a truck that’s driving past. They excitedly try to get the attention of the driver when suddenly…OH NO! The alien comes out of nowhere and body checks the truck into the woods!

Hey buddy! Can you spare a dollar? I need to buy legs that actually touch the ground!

Donkey: There are so many great things about this scene. But the real beauty is in the way that they put this mess together, making a visual shit heap look even worse. There’s a shot of the back of Lee and Tammy’s heads as they are looking on, trying to flag down the truck. Then there’s a separate shot of the alien darting across the road and attacking the vehicle, and then it cuts to a shot of the Lee and Tammy reacting to what they’re seeing (without being able to see what they’re looking at). Separating out the only part with the special effect so that it’s entirely on its own does two things, neither of which are good. First, it seems very, very low rent not to have the characters in the same scene, clearly showing them and what’s going on at the same time, because at that point you could have inserted anything. You could have stuck in a clip of Chuck Norris combing his beard while simultaneously playing a stand-up bass and killing a terrorist with his feet. It really wouldn’t matter. And second, having the special effect separate like that only serves to highlight it and make you pay particular attention to what you’re seeing, which is not good if it looks like a hot pile of camel dicks.

Milobar: What the fuck? Did they just magically teleport themselves to the newspaper office?

Donkey: So that’s twice now where they’ve been standing out in the goddamn open when the alien has made an appearance and then walked away just fine. But now that all the Super Friends are gathered at the newspaper office, they begin to argue over the matter at hand.

Milobar: Everyone seems to want to go to Valentine’s to use the satellite radio.

Donkey: But they can’t go there because Valentine hates Lee. Who can blame him?

Milobar: The requisite stoner dude seems to be the only character in this movie that isn’t fucking insane, since he’s the only one suggesting that they just leave town. I’ll tell you that’s exactly what I would do. Fuck aliens. Fuck the newspaper office. Fuck this town of inbred yokels. I’m getting on a goddamn motorcycle and getting the hell out of here.

Donkey: They move on to discuss who has died and who might be dead. They keep throwing out a bunch of names like it should mean something, but we have no idea who they’re talking about. What the fuck is going on? And how do they know what’s happened to these people? So far there have only been two sightings of an alien, both made by Lee and Tammy. Yet they keep making it sound like there have been catastrophic events throughout the entire town that have killed most of them. What the fuck are they talking about?

Milobar: When this movie started I would estimate it was supposed to be about 8 am, now it’s maybe 2 pm, so it’s not like a lot of time has passed. What the hell happened in this town and when?

This guy is like the herpes. He'll never truly go away.

Donkey: After arguing in circles with no resolution, the group decides to go as a collective and check out what happened to some dude named Garrison, who’s played by our favorite Asylum actor. Apparently he was the one driving the SUV that was knocked off the road moments ago. It skips to them walking through the woods when they find him just laying on the ground. Fuck, hold on. He was in a goddamn vehicle that had been attacked, he ended up just lying out in the open, and he hasn’t been killed? WHY!? Does the alien just really fucking hate Ford trucks?

Milobar: How the hell did they even find him? Hey you, yeah YOU, the guy we just found passed out on the ground. Where’s Scott? Answer our questions or so help me I’ll beat you into unconsciousness. At this point, I honestly wonder if they had any dialogue in the script or if this is just all ad-libbed.

Donkey: One of the members of the group, a woman named Marcy, takes Lee aside and starts making a lot of ridiculous assumptions. Garrison is alive, therefore Scott must be alive, and Joel, and…WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Milobar: Yes, I’m fairly certain there is someone, somewhere named Joel who is alive. But, fortunately for people named Joel, there’s no Joel anywhere in this movie honey.

Donkey: She then starts insinuating that Lee is making this whole thing about an alien up, complaining that he was the one who called her and woke her up with this crazy story. Really? He woke you up in the middle of the afternoon? How long was this chick sleeping?

Milobar: Apparently she was sleeping off a hard night of booze and roofies.

But seriously, if there is an alien running around in these woods, then let me be yanked away from above and carried off to my death. See? No alien.

Donkey: The alien isn’t without a sense of irony, however, as this Marcy chick gets snatched up right as she’s finished her little speech accusing Lee of fabricating the entire story. She gets pulled into the air randomly, and even though we can’t see what the hell just pulled her up, there are alien sounds in the background so I guess that’s good enough.

Milobar: Everyone scatters in to the woods and they all end up just wandering around, looking up into the branches, waiting for death to descend from above.

Donkey: The movie then shows a shot of the alien, just hanging out behind a tree, waiting for a chance to sell these people some hemp necklaces and filthy ponchos.

Milobar: I don’t understand why this alien is ducking and weaving behind trees. It’s larger than all of these people put together. It could pounce and kill them all instantaneously. None of these people have any weapons and the only thing imposing about them in any way is their lack of acting talent.

Donkey: After wandering around for a few minutes and accomplishing nothing, the Super Friends randomly decide to regroup, combine their powers, and accomplish a whole lot more nothing. Suddenly they turn to discover the alien is exactly two feet behind them.

Milobar: It’s getting ready to rush them and th-I’MA CHARGIN MAH LAZAH!

Ahoy! I need five stout men to work the bellows.

Donkey: Where ever did that laser blast come from? Alas, it’s the first appearance of The hunter.

Milobar: That codpiece is serious business.

Donkey: This metallic humanoid shaped character with a giant mushroom hat is apparently the alien’s nemesis.

Milobar: Whose ‘hunter vision’ basically looks like playing a fucking Virtual Boy.

Donkey: It’s red, very narrow in scope, and very grainy. And now they’re back at the office. WHAT? HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET BACK THERE AGAIN? Now Lee is having another heart to heart, this time with Hilary, whom we will later discover is his dysfunctional love interest, and again we have no fucking idea what they’re talking about.

Milobar: I have no idea who any of these people are, and, at this point, have no intention of finding out.

Donkey: Fuck no. The characters in this movie haven’t even properly introduced themselves, let alone all these other goddamn people that they keep talking about. As they’re all sitting around, Figgus the stoner pipes up and says that he has three ATVs at his house and that they should go and get them. Then another dude says, “I’ve got a Honda”.

Milobar: Okay. Thanks for adding that. A Honda what? Motor boat?

Donkey: It’s an ’89 Civic hatchback. It’ll haul ass through the woods like nothing else.

Milobar: Well I’ve got a Datsun. Great, if we could just convince the alien to get in and drive it somewhere, the problem will take care of itself when it randomly bursts into flames.

Donkey: As they once again begin arguing about what they should do, Garrison suggests that they “have to fortify the compound”. What fucking compound?!

Milobar: Does he mean the newspaper office?

Donkey: But despite all these perfectly reasoned diatribes, Lee is adamant that they have to go to Valentine’s. And we still have no fucking idea who this Valentine is.

Milobar: Garrison insists that they need to get to a working phone so he can call his wife, but refuses to go outside. I wish just one of these morons could make up their goddamn mind. Lee decides on a compromise and they set off for Valentine’s through… the catacombs? Dude, I think this movie just gave me an aneurysm.

AVH Drinking Game: count how many times they walk around the corner with that pipe running down it. You'll be hammered in ten minutes.

Donkey: Where the fuck are they now? In the ancient Egyptian burial chambers under the goddamn office? This is fucking ridiculous.

Milobar: I guess there’s some kind of caverns underneath the town that lead to the local lake. That makes perfect sense! Every town has those.

Donkey: This seems like a pretty fucking big thing to have in a small town. I can’t see any reason why they would have built this shit. And I love how Garrison keeps saying that he’s got to get to a phone to call his wife. Doesn’t that seem like a pretty big presumption, that she’s sitting by a working phone?

Milobar: I’ve got to call my wife to tell her that I forgot to set the TiVo to record Desperate Housewives. She’s gonna kill me!

Donkey: We’re forced to watch these assholes wander through tunnels for ten fucking minutes with nothing happening.

Milobar: Eventually one them notices that the alien is down in the tunnels with them. Maybe if they had taken ten seconds to think this plan through they would have realized being in an enclosed space would severely hamper their ability to avoid alien love.

Donkey: Javier, the proud owner of the Honda, is apparently cornered and killed by the alien a few moments later, while the rest of the characters simply move on without the slightest bit of remorse.

Milobar: But of course we don’t get to see the alien kill anybody. Just a shot of what is supposed to be him eating, or more likely humping, a corpse.

Donkey: This is the best part of this whole scene. We see an overhead shot as they appear to emerge from the underground tunnel system. But for the very next shot, the camera is facing them and you can see that they actually just walked out of a huge drainage culvert that is only about fifteen feet long, as you can clearly see the grass on the other side. So to simulate walking out of a tunnel system, they just walked through an underpass that goes under a goddamn road. THAT’S NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE.

The only way this could be better is if this shot was of them walking out of the front doors of a Safeway.

Milobar: All they had to do was hang a fucking black sheet at the other end of the culvert so that it would look like they came out of a tunnel. But instead we can see that they came from fucking nowhere. This is what makes a great shitty movie folks, they make no apologies for the lack of budget, acting ability, or direction.

Donkey: The movie transitions to show them arriving at Valentine’s house, which is apparently just a goddamn barn. Our group of heroes are about as excited as I would be to go anywhere near a place that looks like this incest factory, as they stand at quite a distance and yell for Valentine’s attention.

Milobar: Valentine appears on the roof and, in typical living in a barn asshat fashion, uses something to reflect sunlight into the eyes of the people standing on the ground for no reason.

Pictured above: a fine mustache using a hillbilly cell phone.

Donkey: As they plead their case for his assistance, Hilary starts listing off a bunch of people who are dead, and we still have no idea who she’s talking about. Valentine’s response? He raises a rifle and shoots in their general direction. Fuck, this guy is sweet. I love hillbillies. Almost as much as I love how he was blinding them not with a mirror, but just a metallic reflective surface. That’s not that goddamn bright.

Milobar: Oh, my eyes! Mild discomfort! This is worse than be eaten by the alien!

Donkey: Valentine eventually lets them in and asks what the issue is, as apparently he’s the only person in this town that doesn’t know that everyone else is dead. As Hilary begins recounting their tale, she says that there’s something out there. Some animal or something.

Milobar: Stoner dude emerges from his self induced haze to state: it’s an alien that crawls on the roof and looks like a spider on steroids.

Donkey: Thank you, Figgus. That’s only the second intelligent comment in the entire film.

Milobar: He’s the only person in this movie that has mentioned what’s going on at all. Everybody else is just running in circles and screaming at each other.

Donkey: They continue to describe the issue and again, they’re talking about people who we’ve never seen or heard from. Seriously, none of these conversations are making any goddamn sense. But just a moment later, the movie turns away from the Super Friends and we see the hunter, strolling around out in the woods.

Milobar: Grumbling to himself, “I know I left my keys around here somewhere…”

Donkey: Now that we get another good look at him, the hunter’s outfit looks like it consists of one of those old-timey diving apparatus and a goddamn mushroom helmet. He kneels down and I’m going to guess somehow manages to look through the ground to the catacombs below, and watches the alien who is still feeding on that dude.

Milobar: The alien sure is going to work on that dude’s crotch.

Is he eating that dude's penis? Or just trying to suck-start his heart through his scrotum?

Donkey: This alien loves the cock.

Milobar: Seriously? The hunter’s gun is basically just some PVC pipe and electrical tape. This movie so goddamn half-ass it’s ridiculous.

Donkey: As the our time with the hunter comes to an end, he looks off into the distance and then disappears. But Donkey, you ask yourself, how does he disappear? First, that’s a pretty odd question to ask yourself. I know that you’re reading this, but I’m not actually a voice in your head. If I was, rest assured that I would be pelting you with subliminal suggestions to go out and buy aviator sunglasses and entire cases of fat free cottage cheese. But to get back to the point, he disappears using the ancient art of basic film editing. One moment here’s there, then after a quick and obvious cut, he’s gone.

With that technical magic unleashed upon the world, the film then shows us that night is approaching with the very standard cinematic scene of the sun setting at an extremely fast rate. And yet it’s clear that it is definitely still daytime when they do all of the external shots that are to follow. They try to make it look like it is night by putting a really, really shitty filter over the camera lens. But there is clearly sunshine and shadows in all the shots.

Milobar: They’ve just washed out every color except blue, trying to make it look like night time.

Witness the dead of the night in an Asylum film, so deep and forboding that you can barely see your way back to the illuminated barn or the sunshine in front of your hands.

Donkey: Fuck, you can see the sunshine in the background. This is clearly fucking daytime! It’s one thing to try a couple of little tricks to see what you can get away with, but this isn’t even close. The movie turns back to the Super Friends as they continue to try to formulate a plan.

Milobar: Valentine’s trying to contact the outside world using Morse code. But even Morse code needs to be transmitted over something. If you don’t have a radio, that signal isn’t going anywhere.

Donkey: As he taps away at his transmission to nowhere, they hear noises coming from outside. Deciding to investigate, Valentine tells his daughter to take over with the messaging, telling her to call TwoFingers and his gang, as they need reinforcements. Wow. A dude named TwoFingers? This just got even more hillbilly.

Milobar: Valentine insists everyone accompany him outside to fight the alien, but of course he’s the only one with a gun.

Donkey: I guess everyone else is just supposed to piss on it. As they come out of the house to investigate, we discover that the alien is near by, as it quickly cuts to ‘alien-vision-cam’. And once again when it switches to the alien perspective, the camera is about a foot in front of their faces, so either the alien is insanely close to them or this is just completely wrong. But the alien’s not the only one trying to peep into the windows to see if he can catch some sad titties.

Milobar: The hunter removes his cloaking field and we see he is hiding in the trees like a sexual predator. Now he’s very slowly raising his gun, pointing it at Valentine, and then out of nowhere the alien attacks the hunter! Who saw that coming?

Donkey: At this point we see that the hunter was only about five feet in front of Valentine at the time. So the movie is not only suggesting that it’s nighttime right now, even though it clearly isn’t, but that the darkness is so thick that these people can’t see more than six inches in front of them. Valentine begins yelling and motioning for everyone to go back into the house. Yeah, no shit.

Milobar: There was no reason for them to come outside in the first place you dumb ass.

Donkey: Valentine stands and just watches the extraterrestrial grappling match, where after struggling to retrieve his gun, the hunter begins shooting at the alien. It makes it look like the alien is scooting out of the way as the hunter fires, but they couldn’t be bothered to animate much movement for its legs, so it looks like it’s just sliding along the ground. Or like a completely fake and uselessly inanimate object that has no business in any film that wasn’t shot on a cell phone. Either way.

Stand still! If I just keep firing at random, logic dictates that I'll hit you eventually!

Milobar: Fuck, the hunter didn’t even aim at the alien. He just pointed his gun on an angle and started shooting repeatedly. After the alien legs it, the hunter and Valentine decide to do a little bit of the Truffle Shuffle. Somehow Valentine manages to get behind and club the hunter with the butt of his gun.

Donkey: And as is usually the case when someone tries to punch out another person who’s wearing full metal armor using anything less than a freight train, Valentine’s attack is shrugged off and he ends up getting bitch slapped. The movie takes a moment to cut away from this playground shin kicking to show us the rest of the Super Friends, as the Greatest American Zero leads them to some escape route in Valentine’s floor that I’m not sure how he’d know even existed. So once again they end up underground in some kind of fucking cave system. But now that this is established, the movie goes right back to the main event.

Milobar: Valentine, laying on the ground staring up at the barrel of the hunter’s gun appears to be doomed, until he does a roll move and comes up… swinging on a rope? Firing an assault rifle? In what goddamn dimension does that make ANY FUCKING SENSE? And then of course they show us the same three shooting/dodging/rolling scenes to stretch the ‘action’ sequence out a bit.

Donkey: This movie should win a fucking award for going green, with all the goddamn recycling that it’s doing. Valentine then rolls into a hole and covers himself up with a tarp. Damn, this guy’s got madd skillz. What a superior warrior the hunter is dealing with here.

Milobar: This movie makes me feel about as smart as someone who works at Arby’s. The hunter isn’t just a dumb animal. He watched Valentine roll into that hole in the ground and cover himself. He should know where the fuck he is!

Donkey: Now that this fight has come to a baffling conclusion, the movie once again turns to everyone else, as they’re still crawling through the same dirt caverns under Valentine’s house. And once again, this is completely uninteresting.

Milobar: Eventually they end up in the massive underground catacombs again.

Donkey: How the fuck did they end up here? And again it’s time to sit through more extended scenes of them trudging through tunnels, with nothing happening.

Milobar: Until! Excitement! Valentine reappears!

Donkey: Once Commander CousinRaper makes his triumphant return, fresh from being thoroughly over-matched in every way, our team stands dumbfounded, waiting for him to tell them what to do next. Valentine explains that there’s an aqueduct that takes them to the main line that in turn leads them right to the power station. Wait, why do they want to go there? What the fuck is happening? But I guess I’m the only one asking any questions, because our group simply falls into line and follows without hesitation. But as they try to make their way down the tunnels, they run into a problem.

Milobar: A ‘wall of dirt’ is supposedly blocking the tunnel.

Donkey: And now that we’ve come to another point in the movie that requires a special effect, let’s take a moment to guess how they manage to fuck this one up before I go ahead and tell you. Ask yourself this question: if your movie had no budget whatsoever and you were required to create a wall of dirt, what would you do? If you answered “just film a close up of the ground,” then congratulations, you need to put a gun in your mouth and get ready to kiss the puckered anus of oblivion, because you think the same way as the Asylum special effects team. Just in case you missed that, I’m going to repeat it one more time: THEY FILMED THE FUCKING GROUND.

Eat your heart out, Pink Floyd. Now this is THE WALL.

Milobar: Well, Lee reaches forward, but when they show the shot of him brushing away some of the dirt, it just kinda moves to the left a bit and stays there.

Donkey: This is supposed to be a wall. A VERTICAL wall. So if you brush away dirt, IT SHOULD FALL. It’s a little thing we call gravity.

Milobar: Apparently gravity wasn’t in the budget for this movie.

Donkey: Once Lee brushes away about a three inch area of dirt, or just enough of an area to not be able to see anything clearly, they somehow find Tammy’s mother in that wall, so she starts freaking out. Or at least I think that’s why she’s freaking out. Maybe she’s just having the natural physiological reaction that any human being would experience once they truly come to realize that they’re in an Asylum film.

Milobar: Who the fuck cares? It could be Amy, or Joel, or Jacob, or one of the other million people that they’ve mentioned in this movie without explaining who the fuck they are.

Donkey: It actually wouldn’t catch me off guard in the slightest at this point if they had brushed away the dirt and found Jim Belushi for no apparent reason.

Milobar: Meanwhile the hunter is just running around aimlessly in the woods. And once again we get to see people emerging from a goddamn drainage pipe.

Donkey: Fuck, having to witness this the first time was like getting beaten with a sledgehammer. Having to see it a second time is like getting that same beating twice, followed up by being forced to watch a King Of The Hill marathon. Lee and Hilary stop with Valentine, seeing him off as they prepare to go their separate ways.

Milobar: If anything should happen in this ten foot long section of culvert, here’s a gun.

Donkey: You know, I don’t want to tell the crazed militia-leading product of cousin-fucking here how to do his job, but it might have been useful to have given other people a gun before now. I’m not sure, but that might have helped.

Milobar: Valentine’s not coming back? From where? Where the fuck is he going? What the fuck is he talking about?

Donkey: Watching Valentine caress his rifle like a most tender lover, Lee decides he wants a piece of that action and declares that he’s going to accompany Valentine into battle. Or on the quest to find the closest IHOP, whichever it is that he’s about to do. With Valentine an uncomfortably close distance from the two of them, Hilary then engages Lee in yet another conversation that doesn’t make any goddamn sense. At first she’s telling him not to be stupid, that it’s not his fight. Then she seems to be struggling, trying to tell him that she loves him. Suddenly kisses him on the forehead, slaps him, calls him a pervert, and says, “don’t look at those.” WHAT?! What the fuck is going on?

Milobar: I think they just fed a piece of paper into a typewriter, mashed down on the keys with their feet, and whatever came out was their script.

Donkey: I’m actually coming to believe that they held a contest where they asked the general public to submit scripts, then took a single page from each one just so that they didn’t have to pay anybody, mashed them all together, and this is what they came up with. Anyways, with Hilary turning back to meet up with the rest of the Super Friends that they left wandering in the tunnels, the two men set forth to engage in what will undoubtedly be a one-sided slaughter. And as they walk out of that goddamn underpass, they emerge into the daylight. So the movie is therefore suggesting that THEY WERE IN THE TUNNELS ALL GODDAMN NIGHT?

Milobar: Just wandering around, looking for a good sushi joint.

Donkey: There is no way that they spent an entire fucking night in there. But speaking of pointless sauntering, the movie then turns back to the others, whom of course are still wandering through goddamn tunnels. There’s no point to this scene as nothing even remotely interesting happens, but the movie is kind enough to remind you in case you’d forgotten. With that out of the way, we turn back to Lee and Valentine as they make contact with the rogue hillbilly militia.

Milobar: TwoFingers and the Merry Cornholers.

Donkey: TwoFingers explains to Valentine whom they’ve managed to gather and where they’re positioned. Valentine notices that someone named Boo Boo is apparently absent. According to TwoFingers, that asshole couldn’t make it since he had to pick up his kids at school while his wife is visiting her sister. Valentine is disgusted at the news. What, a man having to actually do something for his kids?! That’s bullshit, right there.

Milobar: A man should have as much time as he wants to go out into the woods and shoot his gun at things.

Donkey: TwoFingers asks Valentine what they’re hunting today, and Valentine tells him aliens. TwoFingers scoffs and says that it’s people like Valentine who give militias a bad name. No asshole, it’s militias that give militias a bad name.

Milobar: Or it could be the gonorrhea.

Donkey: These guys are a perfect example of why militias are goddamn clownshoes. It’s a bunch of fifth grade drop outs wandering around with guns while chugging beer. With that introduction complete, it’s now time to make our mandatory return to the people who are still wandering through tunnels.

Milobar: Garrison is being stalked by the alien. Goddamn it, all they do to simulate the alien’s vision is film the person standing out in the open and then show the same person in the exact same shot, just with a shitty filter. They could have at least switched to a different camera.

Donkey: Yeah, one that isn’t six inches from the characters face.

Milobar: After becoming separated from the rest of the group Garrison decides the best course of action is yelling at the top of his lungs. Fuck! They’ve shown people step around this same corner at least eight times already.

Donkey: They’ve spent more than half of this goddamn movie in tunnels, showing the characters moving along one painfully drawn out step at a time. I know you want to pad your film so that it’s not thirty minutes long, but fuck, can’t we speed this up at all?

Milobar: Oh boy, here’s what I’ve been waiting to see: hot mamma taking her shirt off.

Donkey: As Hilary begins stripping down to deal with the heat, she pauses and asks the rest of the group, “Do you hear that?” Hear what?

Milobar: Honey, this is an Asylum movie. We can’t hear shit.

Donkey: We can barely hear you talking, for Christ’s sake. But now they show us another quick shot of the Hunter ducking down and looking through the ground to see the alien who is still chewing on the same dude’s crotch. Fuck, I think that’s the same shot we saw earlier of that too. Does that mean that the alien went all the way back to eating that same fucking body as it was before, and the hunter is now back over top of it again? But before we think about this too much and get stuck in some kind of fucked up wormhole time continuum, it cuts back to Valentine and his squad roaming the hillside.

Milobar: The movie has inexplicably come full circle, back to the cop car parked by the motor-home that’s blocking the alien spaceship from view.

Donkey: It’s nice to see the bloody hand is still on the hood of the cop car and not one imbecile in this militia takes notice or finds that the slightest bit bizarre. Instead they wander past and come to a random house.

Little known fact: the RV is nature's camouflage, capable of cloaking objects 20 times its size, and the shame of its owners.

Milobar: The house is up on a hill, where they look down and see the cop car, the motor-home, and the alien ship. They can now clearly see that the alien ship is enormously bigger than the motor-home. I once again ask how the fuck they didn’t see that at the beginning of the movie? As the militia monkeys continue on their journey our friends in the catacombs have suddenly realized that Garrison is missing.

Donkey: As the rest of them begin searching the immediate five feet around them, just in case he’s playing hide-and-go-fuck-yourself in one of their shadows, it cuts back to Garrison and shows him walking around that exact same corner again.

Milobar: I swear there are only three hallways that make up this entire set. They just keep shooting them from different angles.

Donkey: Three hallways and a goddamn culvert.

Milobar: That’s a sweet budget. That’s some serious bling bling!

Donkey: Garrison is wandering slowly with a flashlight. You know, that thing could have probably come in handy a long time ago. Like when they were outside trying to fight the alien in the fucking dark.

Milobar: Or in the blue filter, to be more exact. Hey, is that alien poop?

Donkey: I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to be. As he’s stumbling around like a confused senior citizen, Garrison drops his flashlight into a pool of light colored mud that I guess could be shit.

Milobar: Since Garrison is two hundred feet underground it’s the perfect time for his phone to ring. He answers it and tells his wife that he loves her, and not to leave the house. And then we can’t hear the rest because of the typical shitty sound quality.

Donkey: At the end of his mumbled conversation, Garrison screams at the top of his lungs into his phone, telling his wife that he loves her. Fuck, easy there, asshole. I’ve got the phone right by my ear here, and unlike your stupid ass, I’m not hanging around in a goddamn tunnel. No need to yell like that.

Milobar: Could this go on any longer? It’s worse than watching Lord Of The Rings. I feel like we’ve spent nine hours walking just to throw this asshole into a volcano.

Donkey: Finally, the alien gets around to attacking and Mr. Garrison is dead. We can only hope that Ms. Chokesondick will now step in as a substitute.

Milobar: Fuck, this movie is putting me to sleep.

Donkey: The movie goes back to the rest of the Super Friends in the tunnels, and we see them walking around the same fucking corner AGAIN.

Milobar: As they exit out of the tunnels, FINALLY, into a big room with steam everywhere, we are treated to one of the finest lines ever uttered on film:

Tammy: “Guys, we’re in their ship and that totally sucks.”

Donkey: What? Seriously? What an amazing coincidence. That’s exactly what I would say if I suspected I was on an alien craft. Providing that I had a full frontal lobotomy first, of course.

Milobar: My first comment would be, “I wonder where they keep all the freaky alien porn.”

Donkey: Our bellows of laughter soon fade back into gentle sobbing and the film returns to the drunken militia, wandering through the woods. I don’t know what they’re even trying to accomplish here.

Milobar: Are they even trying to accomplish anything?

Donkey: I think they’ve actually given up on whatever primary goal they had before and have gone back to searching for illegal Mexican immigrants. They wander up and find a severed hand holding a walkie talkie. Was that supposed to belong to a member of their group? If so, WHO?? But it doesn’t really matter as they look up into the trees and find the alien there, just chilling out.

Milobar: And now in another great Asylum tradition, they are shooting their guns, but with the barrels off screen so that they don’t have to actually simulate gunfire.

Donkey: This is fucking ridiculous.

Milobar: At least Transmorphers, while confusing the goddamn shit out of me, had scenes that moved on from one to the next.

Donkey: Yes, at least it moved on in a linear fashion so that you were left with the impression that while shitty, it was at least telling some kind of story.

Milobar: This is like they just rolled some fucking dice and, oh a six, let’s throw that scene in. Then, oh a three! It’s like the writers had a Yahtzee tournament one afternoon and the script was made! Fuck, and now this guy has a bazooka?

Donkey: One of the drunken militia dudes, apparently named Marty, gets shot by the hunter and his goddamn laser. So is the hunter hunting the alien, the hillbillies, or because of the shitty visor on his helmet is he just shooting at anything that moves?

Milobar: My vote is anything that moves. I’m surprised he’s not shooting at the wind.

Donkey: Fuck, and again we can’t hear the dialogue.

Milobar: Back to the people in the ship, and they find another one of the hunter’s guns. More PVC pipe and tape.

Donkey: As their search for the stash of alien dongs continues, they go into another room and apparently find the body of another alien lying on a slab. One of them asks if it’s dead. Do you really want to take that chance? I’ll tell you what, Baby Einstein, maybe you shouldn’t stick around to find out.

Milobar: Or perhaps you should unload a couple of rounds into it from that space rifle that you found to be sure.

Donkey: The group now concludes that the hunter is, in fact, a hunter who is here on safari, stalking these aliens. It’s just a game to him. What? How? How do they have anywhere near enough information to reach that conclusion?

Milobar: It’s time for us to argue now, because we’ve been wandering around doing nothing for too long. In celebration of our argument let’s try to rip the alien apart! What? Why?

Donkey: Again, none of the camera shots show what they’re doing. They’re straining to do something, but we don’t know what.

Milobar: I’m gonna go with alien rape.

Donkey: The movie turns back to the militia as they continue to try to take on the alien and/or hunter.

Milobar: One of the militia dudes supposedly gets lifted off his feet, but we can’t see by what since nothing actually is.

Donkey: They proceed to unload their guns into the hunter, which does nothing, and then try to beat this piss out of him themselves. Valentine throws a bear hug around the hunter from behind. What the fuck was that supposed to accomplish?

Milobar: What kind of a Benny Hill routine is this bullshit?

Donkey: TwoFingers, showing a remarkable ability to learn fucking nothing by ignoring what happened only moments ago to the people who tried to do the exact same thing, runs up and starts unloading his rifle into the hunter’s face. The hunter plays with something on his wrist and proceeds to become invisible. This time instead of editing him out, they make him “invisible” by showing a quick flash and then turning the camera suddenly so that the hunter is out of frame. Fuck me. Seriously? So did the hunter become invisible, or just have a remote control for the camera on his wrist? But just as the hunter decides to exit the scene, the alien swoops in to clean up, attacking the random militia guy that was pulled into the air and dropped a moment ago.

Milobar: Lee tries to come to the rescue as he runs up and fires his gun. But as he fires, the special effect of the muzzle flash unsurprisingly doesn’t match up with the recoil of his gun.

Donkey: Valentine then tries to take on the alien in hand-to-hand combat.

Milobar: And very poorly, because only moments later, he’s dead.

Donkey: For some reason the alien then bolts off like he’s late for a formal dinner with Pee Wee Herman, rather than sticking around to finish off the only two humans who are left alive: TwoFingers and Lee. Everyone else is dead, so why not finish the goddamn job? Not bothering to question their luck, TwoFingers calmly turns to the Greatest American Failure and says, “let’s go.” Where?

Milobar: We need to get to the arcade!

Donkey: We’ll play some Pit Fighter. I get to be Buzz.

Milobar: Or perhaps some Mortal Kombat 3.

Donkey: Fuck, if that’s the case then I want to play as the shitty mall cop.

Milobar: Everyone wants to play as the shitty mall cop.

Donkey: Now the movie turns back to the small band of idiots hiding on the hunter’s ship. As the hunter returns and boards his craft, all of them duck behind a small box that isn’t even big enough to hide one of them, let alone all of them. Whew. That was close. It’s a good thing he didn’t turn his head slightly. Now it goes back to Lee and TwoFingers and they’re arguing over what to do next. Lee is saying that they need to call the military, while TwoFingers is saying fuck that, we don’t need no military. Yeah, because you’re doing a bang up job on your own so far, asshole. And now they start talking about people again and I have no idea who they’re talking about. Lee is telling TwoFingers that he can’t just leave because of…Freckles?

Milobar: Who the fuck is Freckles?

Donkey: Fuck, every scene that focuses on someone talking makes NO SENSE. This fucking movie DARES YOU to try to keep up.

Milobar: You couldn’t make a movie that makes this little sense if you tried. This movie is like a slap in the dink from an eighty five year old Korean woman with a hand covered in acid, razor blades, and Nair hair remover.

Donkey: And now TwoFingers and the Greatest American CumDumpster run across the rest of the Super Friends in the woods, just randomly for no apparent reason.

Milobar: Oh, and to answer my own question, Freckles is apparently Valentine’s daughter, although I don’t remember ever having heard her name before.

Donkey: Now that everyone is back together, they’re all shattered to hear that Valentine is dead. I can see why. He was a pretty lovable guy.

Milobar: If these dumb motherfuckers had just listened to Figgus in the first place and left the city, they’d all be safe. This movie is like taking a goddamn Shakespearean play and feeding it into an online translator, translating it into Chinese, then from Chinese to Russian, from Russian to German, from German to Japanese, and then from Japanese back to English.

Donkey: And then having a three year old try to read that English back to you.

Milobar: There’s a few words in there, some of them form sequences that could almost be sentences, but as for what the fuck they’re actually talking about, you couldn’t possibly guess.

Wait. Are they discussing how they’re going to trap the alien in a quarry, or a big open field? How exactly do you trap something IN THE OPEN? Fuck, why not just tie him up with some magical green puke rope?

Donkey: I honestly have no idea what’s going on at this point.

Milobar: Fucking insanity. That’s what’s going on. Lee and Hilary are discussing the hunter’s gun and what it’s made out of. What the fuck? How would either of you know anything about guns from outer space and what they’re made out of?

Even worse than realizing that an alien is about to kill you is knowing that he'll be using those bungee cables to strap you to the roof of his ship later.

Donkey: Suddenly Figgus lets out a yelp as he’s dragged and then held tight against a tree by bungee cables. Just regular old bungee cables. Not fancy, space-aged alien straps. Just fucking Home Depot bungee cables. As he struggles with his bonds, he’s impaled in the chest by a stick. Not a spear. A stick.

Milobar: TwoFingers rushes in to be killed by the hunter, although all we see is a flash and him falling to the ground. So I guess the hunter shot him.

Donkey: And now the alien has arrived, so we’ve got everybody at this shitty party.

Milobar: And they just used the same shot of the alien moving through the trees that they’ve shown about a dozen times already.

Donkey: To save few members of the group left alive, the Greatest American MonkeyTesticle tries to lure the alien over to him. Once he gets its attention, he rolls underneath netting that was covering a hole and hides just out of reach of the alien’s strikes. Why the fuck is that hole and netting there? Who put it there? And how did he know about it? Wait, what the fuck is that?

Milobar: Freckles just got vaporized.

The hunter takes aim with his Virtual Boy vision and picks off the most scared/retardedly-grinning member of the group.

Donkey: She screams, you hear a shot, and then she literally just disappears. Not in an explosive manner or anything like that. She’s clearly just edited out. Fuck, that gets more and more awesome every time they do it.

Milobar: There’s just a quick flash and she’s not there anymore. Fuck, these people are so stupid they deserve to be eaten alive by a spider alien.

Donkey: After crawling back out of his hole in the ground, somehow Lee manages to get his hands on the Hunter’s gun. It looks like he might just…OH JESUS. Lee shoots the alien with the intergalactic gun and it fucking EXPLODES.

Milobar: He only hit the damn thing once!

Donkey: Not only that, but there were points earlier in the film where the hunter managed to shoot the alien himself, with little to no effect. So why did this one shot make the goddamn alien explode? They show that terrible explosion, cut away, and then cut back to show the same shot of the woods with no trace of the alien or any sign of an explosion. I guess just to show us for sure that he’s gone.

Holy shit! Now that's an explosion! Talk about scorched earth motherfu...what? Really?

Milobar: Lee starts celebrating, jumping up and down, pumping his fist in the air.

Donkey: Lee turns to Hilary and Tammy and sees that the hunter has stepped in front of them. He just looks like kind of sad, like he’s just accepting that they’re about to die. What? You’ve got a gun in your hands that you just used to vaporize an alien. Why not just shoot at the fucking hunter?

Milobar: Because the hunter suddenly disappears and the women are fine, aside from having appeared in an Asylum movie.

Do either of you understand a single fucking thing that just happened?

Donkey: And now the three survivors, Lee, Hilary, and Tammy are all just standing there, laughing. They’re talking about how they’re all going to go off and live together and that the reporter should write about what happened. What?! Are you fucking insane? WRITE ABOUT WHAT?! All your fucking conversations that didn’t make any goddamn sense? And why the fuck have these three assumed that just because the hunter has disappeared, he’s gone for good? He’s disappeared multiple times and then come back.

Milobar: As the three most uncharismatic characters in the history of film stumble off in to the sunset, we see the hunter back at his ship. It’s time for the big reveal folks! The helmet is coming off.

Donkey: He’s just a dude. And a douchebag at that, as he has a smoke and chugs a beer. He talks about how he may have finally found some worthy opponents, and that they might have to do another hunt.

I love a good smoke after I fuck an audience right in the brain.

Milobar: The computer asks him if she should prepare the checklist for his arrival on Earth, which makes it sound like the hunter might be a human from Earth and the planet he was just on wasn’t Earth.

Donkey: Fuck, how can that be? So this planet has the fucking Pulitzer Prize? They’re mentioning all kinds of other human institutions. This has to be Earth.

Milobar: I didn’t think it was possible for this movie to make less sense at this point, but it just fucking did. Thanks Asylum! Thanks for punching my brain in the face.

Donkey: I can’t help but notice that the running time of this movie is a true staple of Shitty Movie Night. Like so many others before it, it’s over in eighty two minutes. And fuck did they really stretch it to make it to eighty two minutes.

Milobar: This ‘story’ could have been told in twenty minutes. It made so little sense that it’s almost like they were writing a different script and then just randomly threw in the alien and the hunter as an afterthought, just to cash in on the Alien Vs Predator movies.

Donkey: I’m guessing that it was originally a romantic comedy. And apparently one that was set in a series of underground tunnels, considering that’s where they spent most of the fucking movie.

The Verdict:

Donkey: This is one of the greatest Asylum movies of all time, and a serious contender for the title of their champion. Watching this cinematic bowel obstruction is like farting into a bottle and saving it to dispense into the face of your spouse/sibling/employer at a later time. It’s really hard to do, and even if you somehow manage to pull it off, you quickly realize that it was a fucking stupid idea in the first place. Just stick to burping and blowing it in their faces when they open a door for you. Isn’t that right James, you asshole? But as I’ve said before, it’s that kind of hilarious failure that results in a great Shitty Movie Night, and Alien Vs Hunter delivers in every way imaginable. I give it five walls of dirt out of five reuses of the same fucking scene.

Milobar: After watching this piece of garbage I’m honestly having a hard time forming cohesive sentences. Fuck, that movie was so aggressively confusing I think it made everything else in my life make a little less sense. My hat is off to you Alien Vs Hunter. You would think your name alone might suggest that we would get to see an Alien fight a Hunter, but instead all I saw was a bunch of assholes wandering around the sewers for an hour and a half. And that’s just the tip of the mindfuck iceberg. I give this one five catacombs out of six dude we’re in their ship and that totally sucks.

What We Learned:

Donkey: If you’re going to make a movie, you don’t need an intelligible story, coherent dialogue, likable characters, decent actors, moderately believable special effects, entertaining action sequences, a variety of more than three sets, or any semblance of basic continuity, as long as you’ve got….umm…shit, what does this movie have? Oh yeah, the Greatest American Wad of Cocksnot.

Milobar: If anyone ever has a gun pointed at you, just do a duck roll. You’ll somehow magically come up swinging on a rope and shooting an M16, and unless that motherfucker trying to kill you has a fancy space suit that looks like it was cobbled together out of a Halloween costume from 1985 and a flat of recycled beer cans, you’re pretty much guaranteed to be eating shitty asshole steaks for dinner!

Don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: The depths of space collide with the depths of the arbitrary as we sail along with THE ICE PIRATES.

Back To The Main Page.

The reason this cover is hand drawn is because Kurt Thomas never actually kicks anyone in the face. He just awkwardly flips on top of them and they pass out from embarrassment.

Donkey: There are moments in every person’s life that when looking back upon them, we realize that they have changed the way that we look at the world. Where existential lines in the sand have been crossed, from which there is no turning back. Take a quick moment now to reflect and examine any of those events that may have happened in your life. Perhaps it was the birth of your first child, the first time you took another human life, or when you first discovered that ultimate masturbation technique that had you shut away in your room for days on end, spanking it like it would eventually produce the cure for cancer. Can you think of yours? Good. Now kick whatever bullshit example you managed to come up with to the curb, because there is only one truly significant moment that can be used to categorize your very existence into one of two groups: those who have never seen Gymkata and those who have. Heed this warning now: those who are faint of heart should close their web browser now and go back to their merry little lives, where the world makes sense. For once you go further, nothing will ever be the same again. Still here? Good. Now that all the pussies are gone, let’s get back to business.

We first came across Gymkata after Milobar found it in a Top 10 list, the topic of which was the coolest conceptual movie fighting styles that couldn’t possibly be feasible in real life. Natural curiosity led him to look up the trailer for Gymkata on YouTube, and the spectacle that he bore witness to naturally led him to share it with us. It quickly became a top priority in our viewing rotation, and a copy of the film down was soon tracked down. The stage was set. Looking back now at those men that it seems almost impossible to believe that we had been with the innocent virgin brains that we carried into the film, I only wish that we had been wearing diapers. That would have made it much easier to manage the shit that the next ninety minutes of our lives was going to kick out of us.

The Plot:

Donkey: Gymkata is a true period piece, bordering on documentary film, examining the state of the world at the tail end of the Cold War. The year was 1985 and the US was charging full steam ahead with a bloated, all-but-technically-impossible missile defense program called Star Wars. The centerpiece of this bureaucratic waste was going to be a satellite monitoring station which could only exist if it was set up in a small, fictional country called…Parmistan? Or Permistank? No, Parmesanistan. Fuck, good enough. But this drunken, syphilitic orgy of a plan had run into one small hitch: no outsider was allowed into the country of Parmesanistan without first playing THE GAME, the ultimate test of endurance, sanity, and colon capacity. And to make matters worse, no one had actually managed to win THE GAME in over nine hundred years. And while direct military intervention seemed to be the most logical step, the US government had a better plan:

The Man: Kurt Thomas, former Olympic gymnast and sexual deviant.
The Mission: To infiltrate Parmesanistan and be the first person in nine hundred years to win THE GAME.
His Training: Two solid months, with a mild focus on martial arts and a heavy concentration on unnecessary posture and poise.
His Adversaries: Commander Zamir, fellow contestants from competing countries, the very fabric of reality upon which the universe is based.

It was a mission so brilliant that it couldn’t possibly fail. And with the weight of the free world on his dainty, midget-like shoulders, Kurt Thomas was ready to forge ahead and deliver an unnecessarily acrobatic knock out punch.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Donkey: Behold, Gymkata…one of the crown jewels of the Shitty Movie Night experience. To anyone out there reading this, I can’t recommend this movie highly enough. But if I’m successfully in lobbying for the passage of Bill C-434, then my word won’t matter as you’ll soon be mandated to watch it in teased hair and legwarmers for the true retro experience.

Milobar: I honestly believe this is the greatest shitty movie of all time. For all the readers who think Troll 2 should claim that title: fuck you, we’ve seen that movie and it’s got nothing on Gymkata.

Donkey: The movie starts with Kurt Thomas doing an uneven parallel bar routine in the dark. The movie tries to make this otherwise tedious event reassuringly dramatic with the sound of Kurt’s heart pounding as he takes to the pole, so to speak. And something tells me that Kurt is exceptionally comfortable with taking pole.

Milobar: You know, it’s really depressing that some people think this is cool. This is what Kurty Thomas has dedicated his life to; spinning around a pole. Awesome.

Donkey: Hey, this is awesome. It’s the majesty of sport combined with mastering control of one’s body, mixed with the grace of…yeah, fuck it. I couldn’t give a shit less either. The movie switches its focus between Kurt’s routine and events that are presumably happening at the same time. We’re introduced to the badass of all badasses, Commander Zamir, chasing down whom we will later discover is Kurt Thomas’ father.

Milobar: I don’t know about you, but from here on I am going to refer to Zamir as CheeseSteak Jefferson.

Donkey: Let it be done.

Milobar: And his band of merry ninjas.

Everyone be quiet! I'm trying to aim!

Donkey: Old Man Thomas, who is wearing some outstanding green jogging pants, reaches a ravine with a series of ropes stretching across it. With CheeseSteak Jefferson in pursuit, he wastes no time in jumping out and attempting to scramble across one of the ropes.

Milobar: CheeseSteak Jefferson, magically appearing in front of the old coot on the other side of the chasm, lines up and lets fly with an arrow from about four feet away.

Donkey: Old Man Thomas screams in agony and falls. And with his dramatic demise, the movie turns back to watching Kurt Thomas continue his routine in the dark. I’ve never seen a gymnastic routine done in the dark before, and that seems like an inherently flawed premise to me. But before we can contemplate what the fuck that is all about, Kurt mercifully dismounts.

Milobar: Freeze frame: Kurt Thomas! And we discover that he was doing his routine in some random high school gymnasium.

Donkey: He runs down beside what are clearly high school bleachers, where he’s surrounded by all of twenty fans. What a superstar! But before this adoring crowd can demand too many autographs or sexual favors, Kurt is led away by a government agent named Paley, who was waiting patiently for him.

Above: Kurty Thomas and all 18 people who actually care about gymnastics.

Moments later we see Kurt at a mountain hideout, being briefed by Paley on what is to be the premise of the entire film. The scene and the conversation starts exactly like this:

Kurt: “I remember all the hours dad and I spent out there.”

Paley: “Did you like it?”

Kurt: “Sure.”

Paley: “Good, because for the next two months you’re going to toughen your mind and your body. It’s going to make your Olympic training look like finger painting. Those men among others out there will train you. Any Questions?”

Kurt: “None.”

Milobar: Actually, I’m pretty sure his Olympic training makes his Olympic training look like finger painting. You have no questions? Well I have a lot of goddamn questions, asshole. Primarily: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Donkey: Paley then shows Kurt a picture of a man known as the Kahn, the King of Parmesanistan and asks him if he knows who he is. Kurt explains that he’s indeed the Kahn, King of Parmesanistan, a tiny nation in the Hindu-Kush range.

Milobar: Why the fuck would Kurt know any of that?

Donkey: Apparently gymnasts with shitty mullets are extremely well versed in the global socio-political landscape. Next, Kurt acknowledges that he doesn’t recognize CheeseSteak Jefferson when shown a picture of him, so Paley explains that he’s the leader of the Kahn’s army and that he “intends to sell the country to the other side.” What other side? What the fuck are you two talking about?

Milobar: Paley goes on to explain that they want a Star Wars satellite station inside Parmesanistan so that they can monitor every other satellite in the world. That doesn’t even come close to making sense. Do you understand how satellites fucking work? THEY’RE IN SPACE!

Donkey: I think it’s pretty clear that Parmesanistan occupies the exact center of space and time.

Milobar: And there’s also no way to get into Permesanistan except to play…THE GAME. What game? Rumoli?

Donkey: I’m actually hoping it’s Tetherball, so that we can watch this midget squirm. But it gets more complicated, as no outsider has won THE GAME in over nine hundred years. And the glorious reward for winning THE GAME is twofold: your life, and having one request granted. That’s pretty fucking stupid. What if that one request is to rule Permesanistan? Or to be given trillions of dollars, which is more than any small nation like this could possibly have in the 80′s?

Milobar: I think my one request would be to punch Kurt Thomas in the face. Time to introduce a marginally attractive woman into the mix! Enter the Princess of Parmesanistan: Karamabala, or something. Despite the fact that no outsider has been inside Parmesanistan for nine hundred years, somehow they got her out of the country. How did they contact her? This movie is very quickly going from semi-retard to full blown retard.

It's time to do the Santa Fe Shuffle!

Donkey: After a brief introduction, during which Pricess Rubali ties up Kurt quite gracelessly and gives him a pathetic karate chop to the back of the head, all to prove the point that he shouldn’t trust anyone, Kurt’s training officially begins. Bring on the montage! It starts with Kurt trying to walk up a flight of stairs while doing a handstand, only to fail on the second step. Then it moves right along to hand-to-hand combat with some black dude. That’s quite the segway.

Milobar: No man’s training is complete without a black dude in a poorly fitted sweat suit.

Donkey: That sweat suit is way too fucking tight. I should not be able to see his genital warts that easily. This black guy and an Asian man are Kurt’s two trainers, and he starts by giving Kurt a sound beating. Next it’s the Asian guy’s turn.

Milobar: The Asian dude is just sitting there with a hawk on his wrist. I love that fucking hawk.

Maybe it's those blue pills I took, but does anyone else notice the hawk on my wrist?

Donkey: There’s absolutely no reason why it should be there. This doesn’t come into play, it’s not discussed, and it’s not a plot point. He’s just sitting there with a hawk, babbling about how “the air has a lot to say to you” while Kurt chops wood. What the fuck kind of training is this? Next we see Kurt back in the black guy’s hands, running along behind while the black guy trots along on a horse.

Milobar: “You’ve gotta out quick ‘em!” What does “out quick ‘em” mean? Kurt replies with, “I know I’ll out sleep them!” Ha ha! This movie delivers a million laughs a minute!

Donkey: Shit, I’ll say. This movie is like a comedy vortex. When it means to be funny, it’s as terrible as cracking a five pound fart while giving a eulogy. When it means to be serious, it’s more hilarious than a clown getting caught in a woodchipper. It keeps spinning me around so quickly that I’m losing my bearings. Again we see Kurt trying to walk up the same set of stairs on his hands. Why do they keep coming back to this, like it’s in some way important or even impressive!? How is this an applicable skill? When are you going to ever use this?

Milobar: There’s a lot of upside down stairs in Parmesanistan. “Other countries are training their best men now to defeat you!” As we’ll learn later, by other countries Paley means Japan, because aside from the one Japanese dude everyone else playing THE GAME is an American.

Donkey: As Kurt dangles from a set of rope monkeybars, he pines over the princess while Paley is trying to discuss the task at hand. So Paley starts giving Kurt background information on her instead. Apparently her mother was Indonesian. What? How does that work? How the hell did her mother get into the country then, if no one can get in without playing THE GAME and no one has won THE GAME in nine hundred years?

With that little nugget of bafflement shared, it goes back to Kurt trying on the stairs again and this time he succeeds in making it all the way up. But goddamn is it difficult to watch. As he comes up the stairs and gets closer and closer to the camera…there it is. Nothing but taint.

Milobar: TAINT SHOT!

HHhhhnnGGHhhhhh!! MY EYES!

Donkey: Fuck, that’s just disgusting. Could it get any worse? Oh God, it did! As he passes the camera and continues up the stairs, he almost falls, causing his hips to drop in the camera’s direction before he rights himself, which creates a shot where we get to see his goddamn ballsack. FUCK. While I go spend the next ten minutes puking up marmalade and rubber bands, the movie switches to a tender moment between Kurt and the Princess, where Kurt sets his charm-phaser to ‘mind fuck’.

Milobar: Kurty tries to have a conversation with the Princess but she won’t talk to him. So he does this ridiculous back flip where he spins around in the air and then tries to imitate her very poorly, after which he does another back flip to continue the conversation as himself, and so on. He does this three or four more times, but it feels like seven or eight dozen.

Kurt Thomas: Professional Conversationalist.

Donkey: What asshole found this impressive? This is only accomplishing two things. First, those flips are going to make me cry. Seriously, that shit is creeping me right out. Second, when he’s standing facing away from the camera and pretending to be her talking, we get to see how shitty that little faux mullet of his truly is. This guy actually manages to look even dumber with his back turned than he does when he’s facing you.

Milobar: Those flips just make me want to punch him in the balls.

Donkey: I’d settle for kicking him out a ninth story window. Since the Princess has not responded to his flirtations in any way, Kurt decides to step up and kiss the Princess. Yeah, that seems like a good idea, you creepy little rapist. We all know that the next step after unreturned confusing flirtation is full out sexual assault. In the middle of the smooch, she pulls a switchblade. Unphased, he goes right back to sucking the life-force out of her via her esophagus and she doesn’t resist. Why is she letting him kiss her? Is she hoping that he’ll reveal the secret location of Santa’s Workshop, or the recipe for Tollhouse cookies? They have very literally known each other for under two months and not had one single conversation. And it’s not like this asshole is attractive enough that his looks could seal the deal by themselves.

Since his training is coming to an end, I’d just like to take a moment to reflect on one major theme that we’ve seen so far. This movie, like so many others, makes it seem like you can be a black belt in any martial art if you go through a semi-intense weekend seminar…and that’s about it. Come on, people. This takes years of dedication to master. What the fuck does anyone think he can actually learn in two months?

Milobar: Apparently not acting skills. Oh…uh..yeah…uh uh uh….yeah…uuuhhh…yeah.

Donkey: We get to hear fantastic, overly exaggerated sounds of pleasure as Kurty gets a back rub from the Princess. After grunting like a fucking baboon, he rolls over and takes the Princess into his bed so that she can play the ‘Seriously, it’s already in?’ game. Ewww…

Milobar: You know, she still hasn’t said anything, has she?

Donkey: Nope, not a word. And that’s what makes their relationship so special. Remember ladies, if you want to be considered attractive, keep your goddamn mouths shut. Oh, and baking. Lots of baking. Pies ain’t going to make their way into my mouth by themselves, you know.

Karabal, on the Caspian Sea.

Milobar: After the shame that is Kurty’s version of the horizontal mommy daddy dance, they show up in Karabal, on the Caspian Sea, to meet up with Mackle, their Middle Eastern contact. The only reason I even know any of that is because they say “Karabal, on the Caspian Sea” about fifty fucking times.

Donkey: He takes them to “the salt mine” that’s apparently acting as their base of operations, which appears to just be a warehouse full of salt with a couple of peasants running a rake through it. Sure, I guess a warehouse in the middle of a city is the same thing as a mine. Why not just call it a ski resort while we’re at it? Now that Mackle has them back at his parched fortress, he starts to discuss getting Kurt and the Princess into Parmesanistan and what that will entail.

Milobar: Since guns are outlawed in Parmesanistan they decide to outfit Dirty Kurty with a hatchet that can chop a steel bar in half… and a spring-loaded exacto blade shooter? This is the worst poor man’s version of of a “James Bond getting introduced to his new gadgets” scene I think I have ever witnessed. The best part about these dumb fucking gadgets? Never once are they seen or mentioned again in this movie.

Donkey: Since they’re told they have the night to themselves before leaving in the morning, Kurt ‘The Big Hurt’ Thomas and the Princess take to the local market, as Kurt sports one of the ugliest sweatshirts I’ve ever seen. Goddamn. His grandmother must have given him that as punishment for being an abject failure.

Milobar: What a great time. They’re running from vendor to vendor, looking at shitty knick knacks! This is my nightmare of a relationship. Just walking around and looking at shit that nobody wants or needs and discussing how great it would look on the mantle at home! Some random dude, who obviously agrees that this ridiculous garbage has gone on long enough, throws a drink on Kurty Thomas. Kurty, remembering that his karate should only be used for self defense, flies in to full testosterone induced KILLSHITFUCK until one of his guards stops him claiming, “there’s just some anti-American sentiment around here…HHHGGGNNN!!!”

Oh bother! Looks like I've been shot with an arrow. Don't worry this sort of thing happens all the time. I'll just run down to the shop for some bandages. Be back in a jiff!

Donkey: Suddenly that bodyguard gets shot in the chest with an arrow that comes from fucking nowhere. Kurt Thomas wastes no time, leaving the man to die and running down a side alley so that he can put his incredibly terrible gymnastic-karate skills to use as he leaps around for no reason whatsoever, throwing only a single attack per forty seven flips.

Milobar: These dudes he is fighting just fall over, even when he hasn’t hit them at all. And of course, after clumsily defeating these morons, he runs back to the market to find bodyguard number two hatcheted in the chest. The Princess and the two dozen street vendors? Nowhere to be found. He was gone for 30 seconds for fucks sake, where did all these assholes go?

Donkey: Kurt rushes back to the Mackle’s salty abode to report that he was attacked by…um…disgruntled curio vendors? Oh, and that the Princess has been kidnapped. Mackle spouts out something about CheeseSteak Jefferson exerting his power. I’m not even really sure what’s going on right now, let alone why.

Milobar: Obviously CheeseSteak Jefferson is a very powerful man that’s able to influence things from hundreds of miles away, but Kurt Thomas promises, “not for long…because I’m going to kill him”. I didn’t realize gymnasts could so easily shift gears from “spinning around on a bar” to “I’m going to kill someone” in 3 seconds flat.

Donkey: It’s apparently pretty easy to become a cocky killing machine. And in two months at that, baby.

Milobar: I don’t think Kurty really understands how hard it is to work up the nerve to kill someone.

Donkey: The movie transitions to the next day, where Kurt is still in that ridiculous goddamn sweatshirt and he’s trying to infiltrate the terrorist training camp where they’re supposedly holding the Princess.

Milobar: But of course, much like the greatest human fighter that has ever lived being defeated by a ladder, Kurty is defeated by a door.

Donkey: That’s right, once again a locked door has completely fucked up our hero. What is it with white guys recruited by the US government and doors? But I guess that’s the sign of a great movie. Unfortunately his ham-fisted efforts to infiltrate the safehouse don’t go unnoticed, as random henchmen start pouring out of the woodwork.

Milobar: And then he’s chased around by a bunch of middle-aged dudes in suits with bowler hats on. What?

Donkey: As he turns a corner, Kurt notices a metal bar several feet above his head, running across the alley from one wall to the other, so he jumps up and starts his uneven parallel bars routine.

Don't worry, I'll wait for you to swing around again.

Milobar: He’s just swinging around, over and over, until a dude comes around the corner and gets kicked in the face.

Donkey: These dudes continue to come around the corner one by one, only to be kicked in the face and knocked out. Even when he misses one of them, he just keeps spinning around and around on that bar until the guy eventually comes back to get the predictable kick in the face that a blind man could have seen coming. To lay one final chocolate banana on this shit sundae, some poor bastard on a bike comes around the corner and gets kicked in the piehole as well. They even draw specific attention to this, having Kurt stop and apologize, asking if the dude is okay. Wait, what the fuck was the point of him knocking out a random bystander? Why was it even in there? Is this a blooper reel outtake that someone forgot to take out?

Milobar: Kurt finally makes it into the terrorist training camp and runs into this one-eyed axe man who is oddly creepy for a movie that has been so comical up until this point.

Donkey: He gets half way up a stair case and with this dude just around the corner, Kurt stops to look behind himself dramatically for about fifteen seconds. Then he moves up the last five steps so that they can finally confront one another. What the fuck were you just looking back at?! THERE’S A DUDE WITH AN AXE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! Pay attention!

Despite what some movies' titles might lead you to believe, the Evil is actually in front of you.

Milobar: Why was one eye guy coming down the stairs so slowly? If I was that dude, I would have totally swung at Kurt while he wasn’t looking.

Donkey: Fuck yes. After a rather unremarkable action sequence, our gymnast protagonist manages to rescue the Princess and they escape the shitty building that they call a terrorist training camp. It doesn’t appear like they had much of a plan past that, though, because they spend the next ten minutes just running down random streets and alleys.

Milobar: There’s actually scenes where they end up running down the same alley but they’re shot from a different angle to make it look like a different location. But they’re not.

Donkey: And there’s no reason to keep this going for this long. Fuck, we get it.

Milobar: They’re just running with no dialogue, as there’s shitty music playing. And all they do is run, a dude shoots at them and misses, so they run down a different alley, another dude shoots at them and misses, over and over and over. Fuck, you can’t dodge machine gun fire like that forever. Eventually one of those bullets is going to catch up to you.

Donkey: Near the end of this painful sequence, random cops that just happen to show up and shoot one of the henchman in the back as he’s trying to fire on our heroes. But this henchman doesn’t just fall dead, as apparently they couldn’t afford stuntmen. Instead he slowly lowers himself to his knees, then slumps down while firing his rifle in the air. It’s more like an elderly uncle humoring young children while playing with them than it is like a man actually dying from being shot. That’s the worst example of pretending to die that I’ve ever seen.

Milobar: Finally they manage to make their way back to Mackle, only to discover that he’s betrayed them. But just as he’s about to eliminate Kurt and the Princess, Paley steps out of the darkness and guns Mackle down. Why the hell was Paley there?

Donkey: With absolutely no explanation as to why the hell Mackle betrayed them, the movie carries on to the next morning and the beginning of their long trek into Parmesanistan.

Milobar: First on mules, over the mountains. Seriously? You couldn’t at least air lift them to the border?

Donkey: Kurt ‘The Squirt’ Thomas riding a donkey really highlights the fact that this man has got to be about four feet tall. That donkey looks like a Clydesdale with him on its back.

Milobar: Kurt Thomas Riding A Donkey…yet another excellent name for a band. After the mules, we get a fucking whitewater rafting scene where they show a shot of the raft in the rapids from so far away that it’s impossible to make out who the two people in the raft are. Well, it’s almost impossible since the only thing that’s clear is that it’s definitely not the two of them.

Donkey: They intersperse the distant shots of the raft making its way through real rapids with close up shots of the two of them, trying to make you believe that Kurt and the Princess are actually in that river. But those shot are looking up from below waist level, so that you can see part of the raft, their torsos, and the sky above them, but not the kiddy pool that they’re actually sitting in.

Milobar: Not to mention the dude who’s lifting the raft up and down to simulate the rapids, and the other one throwing water at them. Once they make it to the shore, they’re greeted by the black robed ninjas of Parmesanistan. I love how in the 80′s, ninjas were the random thugs of any movie. They’re a dime of dozen.

Donkey: None of these movies seem to understand that real ninjas were assassins, not happy-go-lucky heroes or random thugs. These were ruthless, trained killers.

Milobar: It appears that these ninjas aren’t particularly happy to be escorting Kurty to THE GAME.

Donkey: Time for more tumble-fighting! Kurt runs into a group of them and begins another series of unnecessary and incredibly ineffective flips, jumps, and rolls.

Milobar: None of which has anything to do with fighting.

Donkey: Will Farrell’s floor routine in Old School is actually closer to martial arts than this. At one point Kurt Thomas literally sits down on his ass, two guys approach him from behind, and he does a splits kick over his shoulders to kick them both in the face at once. He then crab-walks over to another dude and kicks him in the face. This is ridiculous. Finally he gets clubbed from behind, only to wake up in a bed and find himself being nursed by an old hag with few teeth and no tongue. As Kurt seriously considers stuffing his penis into a festering pool of gingivitis, CheeseSteak enters the room to introduce himself. I’m Commander Zamir, but you can call me….CheeseSteak Jefferson. CheeseSteak informs us that he’s been sent to welcome Kurt to the country of Parmesanistan.

Milobar: I’ve been sent to welcome this movie to the bargain bin. Obviously using the same logic as every episode of star trek, everyone in Parmesanistan speaks fluent English.

Donkey: With no accent, at that. As CheeseSteak Jefferson goes to leave, Kurt lays back down in the bed and the tongue-less hag begins trying to caress him again. For a moment he looks like he’s going to object, but then just decides to lay back down while she looks like she’s about to give him a hummer.

Milobar: He didn’t really resist very much.

Donkey: You gotta toss that JimmyJuice somewhere, my man. Just close your eyes and think of Christmas.

Milobar: Hey, no tongue! ZING!

Donkey: Later the movie shows the Kahn, who of course is the father of Princess Rubali, as he shows Kurt and his fellow contestants the route that they’ll be taking during THE GAME using a small and poorly constructed model. I suspect the crew of this film had a little competition to see whose kid could make the most uninspired model possible using only their feet.

I'm pretty sure American Gladiators had tougher challenges than this.

Milobar: Now that he’s explained it, this just doesn’t seem like a very difficult competition: run through a field until you get to a cliff with some ropes, climb to the top, run until you get to a series of ropes over a ravine, climb across, run through another field until you get to the City of the Damned, pass through the city and that’s it. You’re done! Admittedly, the City of the Damned is pretty fucked up, but this is what no one else has ever been able to accomplish?

Donkey: It especially doesn’t seem hard enough to warrant the fact that no one has completed it in nine hundred years.

Milobar: Exactly. I could understand if CheeseSteak Jefferson was running around killing everyone all the time. But he ain’t nine hundred years old.

Donkey: As a warm up the day before THE GAME is supposed to begin, three convicts are given the option of running through the obstacle course to earn their freedom. And as Kurt and all the real contestants are hovering around starting line, watching the prisoners get ready for the Convict Dash to begin, Kurt asks one of his fellow runners if Thorg is going to make it for this thing. How the fuck does he know whom this Thorg guy is ahead of time?

Milobar: Who the hell is Thorg? Was a minor dose of background information not in the movie budget? Of course, none of that matters to the peasants gathered to cheer on THE GAME. The biggest thrill in their pathetic dirt hovel lives is watching these three convicts.

Donkey: It seems like it wouldn’t be that entertaining for them. They get to watch the contestants of THE GAME run out of the castle and then just trust it’s the truth when they’re told what happens later. It’s not like they’re all in a bar, gathering around a big screen television and watching the action for themselves on a closed circuit broadcast.

Milobar: They get reports back later that people have been killed and that’s it. For all they know it’s just three non-union extras wearing ridiculously obvious fake beards.

Donkey: It’s especially confusing once you remind yourself that no one has won this contest in nine hundred years. So not only do these people not get to see any of the action, but there isn’t exactly any mystery as to how it’s going to turn out either. There’s no suspense whatsoever. It’s not like no one has won it in five or ten years, or even a generation. No one was won it over multiple generations.

Milobar: It would be like buying a lottery ticket every week, when nobody has won for nine hundred years. “This week is the week! I can feel it in me bones!”

As they race through the course, one of the convicts lags behind only to have one of the black robed ninjas run up behind him and nonchalantly stab him with a spear. The remaining convicts make it to the cliff wall and begin to climb the ropes to the top. A black robed ninja suddenly opens fire and kills one of the convicts with an arrow, for which he, at CheeseSteak’s command, is immediately killed by another ninja. CheeseSteak Jefferson explains that this is because the first ninja broke the rules, attacking a player when he was considered to technically be on another field of battle. They are only allowed to attack players who are on the same field of battle. For that indiscretion and lack of respect for the rules, the second ninja had to be killed. That’s so goddamn dumb I don’t even want to think about it.

Donkey: The final convict, having successfully scaled the cliff, arrives at the ravine where he must climb across using another rope. The camera looks down and we see that it’s a steep drop of sheer rock face that comes to an end with a jagged rocks and raging river. As the contestant is making his way across, one of the black robed ninjas in CheeseSteak Jefferson’s troupe climbs out onto a rope himself and positions himself so that he can shoot arrows while hanging there. This sets up the greatest one-two punch of awesomeness the world has seen to date:

As you can probably imagine, the ninja hanging on the rope shoots and hits the convict. The arrow lands in the convict’s side, right in the rib cage. The convict shrieks and let’s go of his rope with one hand, so that he is only hanging onto the rope by the other hand. As he dangles there, however, his body slowly begins to rotate while the arrow stays in place. In other words, this is PAINFULLY obvious evidence that the arrow is attached to his shirt, and not actually puncturing his rib cage. But just as our laughter erupts, the convict matches the noise with a scream as he lets go of the rope, falling to his doom. And as the camera shot changes to one looking down at the ravine’s floor to bear witness to the convict’s demise, we see the body falling and slamming into the rocks. While that sounds all good in theory, the problem is that once again it is PAINFULLY obvious that the convict has been replaced with a dummy, as neither the posture while falling or the way that it impacts the ground looks like it could possibly be an actual human being. It couldn’t look any fucking dumber if they had decided to film a teddy bear falling instead.

Left: Gay. Middle: Gayer. Right: A metaphor for Kurt Thomas' career.

Milobar: As will become very important later, I would like to point out that there are no fucking trees in this ravine. Before THE GAME starts for the real contestants the next day, they need to throw a giant feast, complete with jesters, music, dudes sticking pins in their faces, and ninjas playing some kind of game that involves catching each other in nets. All the while, CheeseSteak Jefferson watches on, bare-chested. Are you sure we didn’t jump ahead to the part of the movie that takes place in Insano Town?

Donkey: Kurt has chosen to sulk in the corner of the long head table where all the contestants are seated, gazing over at the Princess like a pouting prepubescent girl looking for attention. Suddenly everyone applauds the arrival of the Kahn.

Milobar: As everyone retakes their seats, Kurty Thomas asks the Kahn if he knows what happened to Kurty Thomas Senior.

Donkey: The Kahn apologizes, but explains that his father was not victorious. No shit. Really? That seems pretty obvious, as otherwise they wouldn’t still be saying that it had been nine hundred years since they last had a winner.

Milobar: A few moments later, the Kahn announces that the Princess and CheeseSteak Jefferson are entering into an arranged marriage. Proving suddenly that the Princess is actually a dude because CheeseSteak is very obviously full blown gay.

Donkey: Meanwhile, Kurt Thomas is still sitting in the corner, desperately trying to get the Princess’s attention. That’s definitely the position you want to put yourself into just as you’re about to enter a competition where you are the prey: make sure that CheeseSteak Jefferson knows that you banged his wife-to-be. That’s some good thinking there, Kurty-Boy.

Milobar: Thorg, the man that Kurt had inquired about earlier, finally arrives to the applause of all. Kurty Thomas tries to get Thorg’s attention, telling Thorg that “I’ve admired you since Munich” while trying to shake hands, but is completely ignored. Which is pretty much exactly what I would do if this douche tried to talk to me on the street.

Donkey: What the fuck did this Thorg guy do in Munich? Seriously, who the hell is this guy?

Milobar: Kurt goes back to sulking in the corner, lifting a glass a wine to his mouth that he is very obviously not actually sipping from.

Donkey: Since Kurt’s jealousy is burning so brightly that you wonder if he’s about to super nova, CheeseSteak Jefferson finally takes notice. He gets up and removes his robe, pulling out a couple of Sias. He then goes into an elaborate kata, spinning them all around.

Milobar: To finish, he throws both of them at Kurty and they stab into the wall right beside him. Kurt doesn’t move at all. I’m guessing that his heart has finally stopped pumping blood to his brain in a desperate attempt to stop this train wreck of a movie.

Donkey: As much as it may sound impressive that he doesn’t flinch, he’s actually unable to move because it’s a freeze-frame shot of Kurt Thomas that those Sias stab into the wall next to. Fuck, that looked like a dickcheese sandwich.

Later, in the wee hours of the night while anyone competing in a major competition with the slightest bit of commonsense would be sleeping, Kurt takes his tongue-less hag servant hostage by putting a knife to her throat, and makes her take him to see the Princess.

Milobar: She takes him to the Princess’s quarters, where Kurt hands her the knife, assures her that he won’t hurt her, and asks her to tell the Princess to meet him in the garden. Why the fuck didn’t he just ask her that in the first place? What was the point of taking her hostage?

Donkey: And how the fuck is she going to tell the Princess to meet him in the garden WHEN SHE HAS NO FUCKING TONGUE? But regardless, once they’re in the garden together, the Princess explains to Kurt that her father, the Kahn, will announce his plans tomorrow after THE GAME to combine the best of the old world with the best of the new world and usher in a new age for Parmesanistan. But to stop this, CheeseSteak Jefferson “is going to make sure that THE GAME is so deadly that no one shall survive”. Hold the phone, sweetheart. Wasn’t that the point in the first place? No one has survived the game in nine hundred years, so why the hell would you think that was going to change tomorrow? Why would you possibly plan on that incredibly likely event not occurring?

Milobar: Just then the two of them are discovered and two rogue ninjas come to chase the Princess. Kurt comes flipping in from behind them and, even though he lands in a way that couldn’t possibly kick them, both ninjas fall down unconscious. This movie is a perfect example of how, in the 80′s, people thought that anyone who knew a martial art was Superman. Catch bullets, piss gasoline, or fart nuclear explosions. All in a days work for someone who spent two months being sexually molested by a couple of dudes that were supposed to be teaching him Karate.

Donkey: Yachmalla! It’s finally the race day, and all of our contestants line up in the town’s square along a rope that’s being held up by two robed ninjas.

Milobar: The Kahn keeps yelling yachmalla, which I’m pretty sure translates to “I’m going to fuck all of you in the ass!” As everyone is preparing to start, CheeseSteak Jefferson makes a very odd threat.

Mmmm...you smell just like your father's balls.

Donkey: He leans in and says to Kurty-Pants that the Princess was out last night, and that he knows somebody else was with her. Then he randomly says “death becomes you”. That’s it? Is that a threat, or a compliment?

Milobar: Who the fuck cares? I think this movie is almost over! Let THE GAME begin!

Donkey: The starting rope drops and all of the contestants begin their dash. After only a few feet, Thorg takes a moment to knock Kurt to the ground and kick him in the face. Thank you, Thorg. But seeing him running, I’m rather confused as to why everyone is treating Thorg like he’s the favorite contestant. He’s a pretty big guy, and while he looks strong enough, he doesn’t even look like he is capable of running down a supermarket snack aisle for the last bag of Cheetos without getting winded.

Milobar: As seen with the convicts the day before, the race starts with the contestants running through a cornfield, which is also supposed to be a swamp. Kurt stops in the middle for a while, probably to play with his own very special cornhole.

Donkey: I could have sworn that the last guy who took his time in here like this was killed almost immediately. This doesn’t look like a good start for Kurt. And as he’s taking his time, CheeseSteak Jefferson and the gang are all looking for him.

Milobar: How do they even know that they need to search in there?

Donkey: Why are they specifically looking for him? Last that I checked, this was a race with multiple contestants. Sure, I realize that CheeseSteak probably has a hard-on to kill Kurty first, but there’s no need to focus on that right away. There will be plenty of time to kill him. Kurt’s finally spotted, but dashes away in time and eventually catches up to the other contestants as they reach the first cliff wall and begin climbing up the ropes.

Milobar: He’s climbing using just his hands, keeping his legs spread out. That seems like unnecessary showing off, but I guess that’s no worse that doing back flips to simulate a conversation for no reason.

Guys? I just pooped a little.

Donkey: A fellow contestant just slightly further up the ropes than Kurt suddenly gets hit with two arrows and plummets to his death. On no! CheeseSteak’s not playing by the rules! But in the tradition of excellence in special effects that this movie is fast establishing, those arrows clearly struck a blatant and rather large pad that the contestant was wearing on his back.

Milobar: The ninjas decide their first attack didn’t work out very well, even though it did, and so they give up on shooting arrows and instead decide to light the rope that Kurt is climbing on fire. At least Kurt and the rope will finally having matching outfits: they’ll both be flaming. Of course, Kurt manages to get to the top before the fire catches up with him and, once again, CheeseSteak Jefferson is defeated.

Donkey: That was clearly a much better idea than shooting arrows. Much more effective. Why not just try to pee up at him and hope that he gets grossed out enough to fall?

Milobar: Fuck, you could have thrown bananas at Kurt while he was climbing and that would have been a better idea than lighting the rope on fire.

Donkey: Kurt gets to the top and, in frustration, turns to the random ninja that’s standing stationary with a flag to serve as a guide marker and yells that they broke the rules, demanding that this ninja kill them. Really? Did he honestly expect that to work?

Milobar: Kurt runs on and passes another contestant who is limping along. Of course moments later, the black ninjas catch up and toss a spear, eliminating yet another contestant. Thank your lucky stars that your part in this movie is over, dude.

Donkey: Moments later, the pack has reached the second obstacle: the ravine. Such great things have happened here already that I can barely wait to see what they come up with.

Milobar: As the first batch get across, one of the flag bearing ninjas that is waiting for them on the other end of the ropes decides to slice one of the contestants with a sword, sending another innocent stunt dummy to his death in the ravine.

Donkey: Why the hell did he decide to pick that guy off? Thorg and two other contestants just went past, and Kurt is still behind all of them. So it’s not like he was either going too fast or lagging too far behind. He was literally in the middle, so it was completely arbitrary.

If only someone would cut the other end of that rope.

Milobar: CheeseSteak Jefferson shows up as Kurt is trying to make his way across the ropes. He takes an unnecessarily large sword from one of his ninjas and cuts the rope that Kurt is climbing across. Slow Motion Ninja Chop!

Donkey: Of course, he decides to cut the rope when Kurt is almost all the way across, while they are standing back on the opposite side. So predictably, since they’ve cut the damn thing at the wrong end, Kurt just hangs onto the rope as he swings down about three feet to the ravine’s rock wall and then climbs his way up. As he gets to the top, the same ninja that killed the previous contestant attacks him, only to have Kurt neutralize him with a kick to the face. If this asshole was going to attack, why didn’t CheeseSteak Jefferson just get him to cut that the rope from that side? That would have made a lot more goddamn sense, as even if he hadn’t fallen, he still would have no way of getting back across without climbing up to the beginning and coming face to face with CheeseSteak and the Black Pajama Mafia. This is yet another pathetic attempt to kill him when they’ve normally used much more brutal methods on someone else.

Milobar: Next we see the two leaders of the pack as Thorg catches up with the lone Asian contestant. Thorg has decided that it’s time to fuck up Tokyo.

Donkey: Since it doesn’t have a modern day pixie jumping around ridiculously, this fight scene is actually rather mundane. But I’d like to take a moment to point out the ridiculousness of its motivations. Thorg is the only douche in this entire ordeal who’s more concerned about killing his competition than actually finishing THE GAME himself and that doesn’t make any goddamn sense. When no one has completed THE GAME in nine hundred years, doesn’t it seem kind of obvious that the death of your competition will very likely take care of itself, between the army of ninjas chasing you and the natural obstacles that you face? Shouldn’t you just be more concerned about surviving?

Milobar: If anything, you’d think that you’d want to keep these people around in the competition as fodder.

Donkey: Shit yeah. Moments after the fight concludes, Kurt Thomas catches up to them and discovers the Asian player’s body, checking and confirming that he’s dead. Kurt looks up and sees Thorg up ahead and they exchange a challenging look. I refer to it as challenging just because it’s honestly a challenge to believe that Kurty-Chops here could intimidate anyone. And I’m not really sure why Kurt would give a shit that this random guy was killed, especially since he spent so much time drooling over Thorg earlier. Once that moment is done, Thorg runs on. Of course, if it’s his policy to take on all of his opponents and kill them right away, I’m not really sure why Thorg didn’t just come back and strangle this useless garden gnome, but whatever…

Milobar: Thorg just don’t roll what way. Thorg kills one man at a time. Gotta let the killing batteries recharge.

Donkey: Apparently they recharge quickly because once Kurt climbs up the same incline, he finds himself squared off against Thorg. A brief battle ensues that only proves to highlight how terribly overmatched Kurt and his meager skills are. Gradually realizing his own uselessness, Kurt instead employs deception. As he notices a random black robed ninja with a bow and arrow that is stalking around behind him, Kurt moves around to keep himself between the shooter and Thorg. And just as the arrow flies, Kurt ducks, causing Thorg to be hit squarely in the heart. In the obvious frustration that would come with realizing that you’ve been outsmarted by a Chia Pet, Thorg snaps the shaft of the arrow off before he falls to the ground. Could this be the end of Thorg? Does it matter? Does anyone even remotely care?

Milobar: Uh oh. By now CheeseSteak Jefferson and all the others have arrived. CheeseSteak snaps his fingers…arrows everywhere! Hide behind a tree!

Donkey: CheeseSteak Jefferson and his band of merry ninjas send a volley of arrows in Kurt’s direction. He steps behind a tree, the movie then clearly cuts (obviously to a shot where Kurt isn’t actually behind the tree), the arrows rain down and pepper the area, the movie clearly cuts again, and Kurt then steps out from behind the tree.

Milobar: Since every ninja only carries one arrow, Kurty runs on and now it’s time for him to face…the Village of the Damned! That’s where this country sends all of it’s criminally insane to breed and create the ultimate killing machine.

Donkey: It’s all Crazy Town up in here. I’m waiting for a shitty band to pop up and start singing Butterfly. On a more serious note, I’m genuinely curious as to how a country this small ends up with a town of crazies this fucking large. This has got to easily be about thirty percent of their population.

Milobar: And when they’re talking about criminally insane, they’re not fucking around. This city is fucking NUTS.

Donkey: The next twenty minutes or so can only truly be described as ‘pure insanity puked up onto film’. This is almost beyond description. It’s going to push us to the very modest limits of our literary skills. It starts as Kurt Thomas wanders in and a gate closes behind him, locking him in. That’s ominous, but not nearly as much as it should be. You really have no idea what you’re in for, Kurt.

Milobar: How do they make sure that all these crazy people stay here? There are no guards. The door was wide open for Kurt to wander in.

Donkey: That’s a damn fine question. As Kurt strolls along, the sound effects don’t appear to be affecting him but they’re threatening to karate chop my brain. It’s the wavering sound of random people cackling and wailing in the background….

Milobar: I’m pretty sure those wails are coming from the mothers of the actors in this movie. Kurt passes by a dude sharpening a scythe, who looks at Kurty like he wants a little of The Sex.

Donkey: Who can blame him? Kurt is a very pretty man.

Milobar: As he continues on, Kurt tries to open a door and rolls out of the way just in time as a random wall of spikes flips down to smash into the top half of the door.

Donkey: That’s quite the fucking trap. Since this is a town of crazy motherfuckers, it seems like that trap should have at least one or two of them stuck in it. And the soundtrack continues to kick it up a notch, as we hear the sound of…chipmunks laughing? Simon? Alvin? Theodore?

Milobar: I think someone is just playing a bad NES game with the volume cranked way too loud.

Donkey: Suddenly a crazy man jumps into the frame and attacks Kurt Thomas with a small sickle.

I HATE THIS FUCKING HAND!

Milobar: As Kurt defends himself, he pushes the dude against the wall. The crazy dude grabs a pipe running down along the wall with his free hand, and then rather than just letting go, he uses the sickle in his other hand to chop this one off at the wrist. The bastard then just stumbles away, clutching his stump as he leaves his severed hand behind. And this is where the real crazy begins.

Donkey: Kurt Thomas starts wandering around faster now, and things are just getting more and more batshit insane. He sees a dog lapping at a puddle of blood, then one of the other contestants, dead with wooden stakes stabbed into him and a pitch fork protruding from his face. A group of men suddenly attacks and one of them looks like he might have actually stabbed Kurt in the back, but Kurt just turns and punches that one dude in the face, which somehow causes all six of them to fall.

Milobar: Some random sixty year old dude jumps from a roof and tries to tackle Kurt, only to have his ass kicked. Fuck, I wish I could visit this city. The Village of the Damned? The Village of the Damned Fucking Awesome! And now another long scene with no dialogue.

Donkey: Just crazy sights and fucking insane sounds.

Milobar: Kurt opens a door to a random building and reveals Thorg, who’s bleeding from the broken arrow still embedded in his chest. Dodging that danger, Kurt quickly runs away. As he’s running, he sees a random old woman in a window above, making fucking bizarre crow sounds.

Donkey: And just when we think things can’t get any worse, they turn this crazy shit up to eleven, Spinal Tap style. As Kurt walks around a corner, he looks back and sees a man standing against a wall. From a distance it doesn’t seem too odd, so he doesn’t take notice.

Milobar: Kurt looks in the other direction and sees a random priest standing there, beckoning him on.

Donkey: Before Kurt can figure out who this random bishop is, it pans back to the guy standing against the wall and we see that it’s actually a fake face. He slowly turns around revealing his real face, and clearly shows that he has a fake one on the back of his head. As I spit Dr Pepper all over the room in complete shock, all I can think is…WHY?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? If this was a celebrity hiding from TMZ, that might make sense. But this is just a random dude disguising himself as another random dude. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THAT? I can’t take much more of this. My very soul is being violated with a hot curling iron.

Yo Dawg, we heard you like your face, so we put a face on the back of your face so you can show everybody your face while you are showing everybody your face.

Milobar: Turning back to the priest, we see he is still beckoning. As Kurty gets closer, the priest turns around and we see that HIS ROBE IS BACKLESS and he’s not wearing any clothes underneath. He’s got a bare ass and he’s beckoning Kurty inside. This movie just got a whole lot sexier!

Stylish AND functional.

Donkey: Goddamn it, that’s ridiculous. But before Kurt can get a full erection and quickly follow, the dude with the fake face on the back of his head jumps in to attack Kurt and ends up getting his ass kicked. Wait, so he had a fake face so that he could launch a surprise attack? Shit, does anybody else smell burning toast?

Milobar: That not only wouldn’t work, it would actually hurt his cause. A fake face is going to draw more attention, and YOU CAN’T FUCKING SEE OUT OF FAKE EYEBALLS ASSHOLE.

Donkey: “Hey, is that a random dude in the corner there that might attack me?…No, it’s just a random dude standing backwards with a fake face…well there’s nothing weird about that.” As he moves on, Kurt runs into Thorg again.

Milobar: Thorg chases him into a pig sty. Not a messy room, but literally a pig sty. Right behind them, of course, a group of crazy villagers appear and trap them in said pig sty. Because Kurt is about four feet tall and forty pounds, he is able to climb along the backs of the pigs and escape out of a tiny window. Thorg is not so lucky, so he’s left behind to face Retard Town and the Pitchfork Squad.

Donkey: Despite being so badass, Thorg is quickly disposed of and is left to be eaten by the pigs.

Milobar: I think the pigs are actually just licking up the corn syrup and food coloring they used to make blood for the scene.

Donkey: As the movie turns back to Kurt running down an alley with villagers chasing him, the single greatest fight scene ever recorded in human history is about to begin. Kurt runs into the center of a small, open square as he’s being surrounded by crazy villager, only to discover…a pommel horse.

Milobar: They try to disguise it in a way that it might look like it’s actually a part of the scenery, that it makes sense for it to be there, but no. It’s a goddamn pommel horse. And of course, Kurt climbs on it and starts doing his routine, swinging his legs around and kicking people in the face as they approach.

At least they have an excuse for standing around like idiots, they're goddamn insane!

Donkey: The villagers, of course, just slowly approach one by one, allowing him to kick him in the face. Even though they have pitch forks and spears and they could just reach out and stab his ass, instead they’re just happy to wander in face first in an orderly fashion. And the great thing about this scene is that like so many others in this movie, it goes on for fucking ever. It only takes about thirty seconds and we get the point. He’s on a pommel horse. Good enough. End this.

Milobar: But it just keeps going on and on. This is like Kurt’s greatest wet dream. He just gets to do a pommel horse routine and kick the shit out of people four feet taller than him.

Donkey: Finally, Kurt performs a perfect dismount and makes a run for it, and the crowd of crazy motherfuckers just lets him go.

Milobar: And now we cut to slow motion, showing Kurt running down an alley, being chased by crazies.

Donkey: And like the first scene of his midnight acrobatics, there’s only the sound of his heart beating, establishing the particular intensity of the moment.

Milobar: I’m surprised there aren’t train tracks randomly overlaying these scenes.

Donkey: Fuck, I would pay good money to see an Asylum knock-off of Gymkata. That would be pure gold. As Kurt continues to run, we see there are dogs in pursuit as well. Wait, where would a town of crazy people get dogs? Who would be feeding and taking care of them? Unless they’re just eating the random appendages that these people are cutting off themselves and leaving behind, which I supposed would make sense.

Milobar: Again, this is going on way too long. Not that we cared much before, but now we really couldn’t give a shit less. Fuck, enough with the running. Finally Kurty ends up in an extremely narrow alley, where he uses his gymnastic skills to climb high enough that both the villagers and the dogs can’t reach him.

Donkey: Kurt starts to feel pretty defeated and hopeless, as he’s cornered like a rat.

Milobar: In desperation, he attempts to pull the metal bars off of a small window just beside him. But what’s this? A random ninja approaches from above.

Donkey: That’s outstanding. Why would anyone in their right mind try to pull welded bars off of a window instead of just trying to climb further up?

Milobar: As a matter of fact, only a couple of feet above him, there’s a set of stairs that lead up and away from the crazy motherfuckers. Suddenly the random ninja reaches down and helps to lift Kurty up to safety.

Donkey: Who could this random ninja be?

Milobar: Ninja Jesus? Of course, once they get to the rooftop, there are nothing sunny blue skies all around.

Donkey: The ninja removes his mask and reveals that it’s…his father! Old Man Thomas makes his triumphant return!

Milobar: And his father says, “I knew you’d get here.”

Donkey: Umm…how did you know that? Because up until about ten seconds ago, I was very certainly he wouldn’t make it there myself, and I’ve been watching the whole damn time.

Milobar: When Kurt’s father left the US, he left his son as a gymnast. Why would you assume that your gymnast son would come to save you?

Donkey: The movie now transitions back to the Princess arguing with her father, the Kahn. She’s trying to make him see that CheeseSteak Jefferson is actually bad for the country and will overthrow the Kahn’s rule. Finally the Kahn starts to realize the truth of his daughter’s words, though I couldn’t tell you why. This movie’s dialogue makes so much sense that it might as well have been in a different language altogether.

Milobar: Meanwhile, CheeseSteak Jefferson and his band catch up to Kurt and his father. A random ninja scouts ahead and signals their location back to CheeseSteak Jefferson. The Cheese prepares another arrow assault, while Kurt’s dad explains that he was able to survive his apparent death at the beginning of the movie because trees broke his fall. I point out once again, there are no trees in that goddamn ravine.

Donkey: We’ve seen that goddamn ravine multiple times now, as people kept tumbling down it. Seriously, look back up a the picture of the ravine. Do you see a goddamn tree there? There were no trees anywhere that could possibly do that, so that’s fucking stupid. Why not just say that you were caught by leprechauns?

Milobar: CheeseSteak Jefferson finally fires and Kurt’s dad gets shot in the back with yet another arrow. As he slumps down, he tells Kurt to win. Win THE GAME.

Donkey: Fuck, thanks Dad. That’s the only insight you have to offer? Kurt then chases down the ninja scout, flips over top of him for no apparent reason, just to land facing him, and kicks the dude twice before stealing his horse. CheeseSteak and the gang then chase Kurt as he prances through the woods.

Milobar: But of course, only CheeseSteak Jefferson’s horse is fast enough to keep up with Kurt. That makes sense, seeing as Kurt’s horse in only carrying a tiny midget that probably weighs half as much as all the others.

Donkey: They reach a point where Kurt appears to jump his horse, but since it’s a very tight shot where the camera is at ground level and the horse jumps out of frame, we can’t tell what the horse actually jumped. Was it across something? Down something? Over? Who knows? CheeseSteak is able to make the same jump on his horse, but of course it’s shown from the same angle, while the rest of the ninja horde comes to a halt.

Milobar: I’m guessing everyone else was notified that America’s Next Top Model was coming on and they just gave up.

Donkey: Finally we see the ultimate showdown between Kurt and CheeseSteak Jefferson. CheeseSteak has a scimitar and Kurt has…a piece of wood. This is going to go well. After knocking him to the ground, CheeseSteak Jefferson throws his scimitar at Kurt and it just misses his head. Kurt Thomas goes to pull it out of the dirt and can’t. Let’s examine the significance of that, as that’s the kind of hero we’re dealing with here, folks. That pretty much says it all. This isn’t The Sword and The Stone…it’s a scimitar that’s just stuck a couple of inches into the Earth. But now it’s time for hand to hand combat. And of course, Kurt starts with a series of ridiculous flips.

Milobar: Which he uses to tackle CheeseSteak Jefferson. How The Cheese didn’t see that coming, I don’t know. And now another series of flips. Fuck, it’s like playing Street Fighter against a dude who only knows how to use Guile’s flash kick. We keep hearing all kinds of impact sounds, like Kurt is landing a bunch of kicks but of course he clearly isn’t.

Goddamn it! I can feel your genital warts rubbing against the back of my neck! This is killing me!

Donkey: Finally Kurt jumps up on CheeseSteak’s shoulders, trapping his head between his thighs, rides him to the ground, and snaps his neck. Well, either that or CheeseSteak Jefferson just choked to death after having his windpipe blocked by a very small penis.

Milobar: Meanwhile back at the castle, the Princess and her father are fighting all the black robed ninjas they can find, quite poorly.

Donkey: The Kahn starts yelling to all the peasants that they must grab all of CheeseSteak Jefferson’s men, declaring them traitors. But literally not thirty seconds later, everyone turns to the gates of the castle to find Kurt Thomas arriving, victorious in completing THE GAME. Alright folks, forget arresting the traitors. Instead turn your back to them and run to the gate, where everyone can applaud for that dude instead. We’ll just trust that they won’t start killing us all while we’re not looking. Kurt arrives with his father in tow, who still has the arrow in his back.

Milobar: Daddy is still alive. He’s taken two fucking arrows during the course of this movie and he’s still kicking. Of course Kurt just completely forgets about his mortally wounded dad when the Princess runs up. The movie then ends on a shot of them smiling together like idiots with a brief caption saying “in 1985, the first early warning station was placed in Parmasenistan for the US Star Wars defense program”. There’s nothing quite as impressive as giving us additional imformation about a fictional situation that couldn’t possibly of occurred and no one gives a shit about.

Donkey: Just before the credits roll, we’re informed that this is based on the book, The Terrible Game. Fuck that was a terrible game. That’s one of the most accurate titles I’ve ever seen.

Milobar: Too bad they didn’t call this The Terrible Movie.

The Verdict:

Donkey: There is nothing that I can say about this movie that the three strokes that I suffered while watching it haven’t already screamed in mono-syllabic moans. This is more awesome than any one person was meant to handle. A fatally flawed plot, and hero that wouldn’t be less believable if it were replaced by a petulant vacuum cleaner, and special effects that would be envious of an Asylum film. It’s a potential G-spot shitgasm waiting to explode in the undergarments of unprepared viewers. I give it five golden, unnecessary backflips out of five.

Milobar: This movie blows my goddamn mind. It’s a perfect example of a movie studio executive taking a handful of marginally popular ideas and mashing them together until the only thing they resemble is lunch at an old folks home, and then hoping that somehow it will attract a large enough audience to be profitable. Of course nobody realized that the people who like gymnastics are in no way shape or form that same people who like ninja movies. Therefore combining those two activities doesn’t bring the two groups together to appreciate what you have created, it just makes them both hate you in equal measure. In fact I’m willing to bet that combining the Skill of Gymnastics with the Kill of Karate really only appeals to one specific corner of the market: the Donkey and Milobar corner. So in a way I suppose I should feel honored since this movie was made specifically for us. As a result I give this movie one upside down stairs taint shot out of one annoyingly silent princess.

What We Learned:

Donkey: There is no end of things to point out, but instead of trying to touch them all, I’d like to concentrate on one small point. Shitty movies love to casually toss out seemingly inconsequential concepts without thinking about the massive effects that they should have. Take this movie and the fact that no one has won THE GAME in nine hundred years. Obviously they didn’t think much about that before they went with it, but really fucking think about that. NINE HUNDRED YEARS. That’s almost half way back to the time of Jesus. You’re telling me that the country of Permesanistan even existed back then, let alone THE GAME? And why the fuck would anyone bother to care about THE GAME or wonder how it’s going to turn out when it hasn’t been beaten in that long? And those are just two of the many, many massive holes that one fucking carelessly used number creates in your entire plot. So to all you screenwriters out there, please take note. You might want to think about that shit, rather than just focusing on how you can convince a strung-out model that you’re a big enough player in Hollywood to bully your way into a handjob in the back of a rented Lexus.

Milobar: There’s a new champion in the eternal struggle of Ninjas vs Pirates vs Robots vs Spacemen vs Cowboys, and that champion, no matter how unlikely it may seem, is Gymnasts. All hail the new masters of irrelevant discussions overheard as you pass by the Computer Science lab at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon!

Don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: The ultimate universal badass showdown, Alien Vs Hunter

Back To The Main Page.

100 passengers and 2,000 vipers? I don't want to shock anyone, but this movie contains neither.

Donkey: There could be no denying that Transmorphers had upped the ante for Shitty Movie Night with production values that none of us had dreamed possible. A certain existential line had been crossed, as we had attained a level of knowledge not meant for the human brain. There was no going back. And like any junkie after their first hit, we were looking for more. We had spent a solid two weeks of sobbing ourselves into exhaustion while pondering how the hell someone has the fucking nerve to release a movie where you can’t hear half the dialogue, broken only by a futile attempt to fill the void with the tale of four assholes and their marvelous adventures in taint licking. It was then that Milobar found a movie that I had seen briefly on video store shelves some time earlier and had stored away in the recesses of my subconscious for future use…Snakes On A Train. The movie’s Hollywood inspiration, Snakes On A Plane, was a hilarious and outstandingly shitty movie in its own right, so we didn’t know how much lower this one could get. But never doubt, my friends. There is one rule that has been reinforced time and time again for us over the years; just when you think that you couldn’t possibly find something worse, you’ll always manage to sink to new lows. And like the song said, we had only just begun…

The Plot:

Donkey: Snakes On A Train is the tale of one night spent on a cylindrical metal tube-like method of conveyance separated into various subsections as it hurdled down a track, filled with similarly shaped reptilian creatures that represented various levels of venomous danger. I’m actually not sure what half of those words meant, so I could be wrong, but I think what I’m trying to say is that it’s a movie about snakes on a goddamn train.

This heartwarming tale belongs to Brujo and Alma, two illegal aliens from Mexico who have snuck across the US border in search of the same dream that so many of their countrymen flock to: meeting an uncle in Los Angeles that will cure Alma of a horrible Mexican curse that causes her to vomit snakes. Ah, that old story. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard it, I could buy and sell you all like the world’s third or fourth finest boxed wine. They manage to stowaway on a train headed to LA with a small group of other future gardeners and laborers, but tensions run high among the compatriots as the young couple can’t afford the same fare that the others paid in order to secure their safe passage. Despite a childhood friend of Alma’s named Miguel, who just happens to be on the same train, coming to their aid and paying their fee, the conflict eventually boils over when the others attempt to buy weed from them and discover Alma’s dark secret, forcing Brujo to use his Ultra-Mexican-Wizard powers to grapple with them. The distraction naturally sets up a series of events that result in Alma’s snakes escaping into the rest of the train. As those snakes begin to increasingly terrorize the scant group of fellow passengers, Brujo does his best to quietly gather them while working to prevent the train’s journey from being brought to a premature end. But time, circumstances, and elementary logic are not on his side, and eventually our fable comes to a horrifyingly ridiculous climax that will haunt the dreams of all those who dare to witness.

The Case For Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Donkey: Snakes On A Motherfucking Train! This is a Mallacchi Brothers film, which therefore means that someone thought this film required a group effort. I can’t believe that two people are actually responsible for this.

Milobar: But only one vagina.

Donkey: Indeed. And their mother should be ashamed. Wait, hold on…I just looked this movie up on IMDB and it says that the movie was actually directed by “Peter Mervis as the Mallacchi Brothers”. What?! How the fuck can I take your movie seriously if you’re so embarrassed by it that you not only won’t use your own name, but need to further secure your anonymity by using two fake ones instead?

Milobar: The movie opens with Brujo dragging his girlfriend Alma across the desert. Man, I feel bad for these two actors. They didn’t know what they were getting themselves into.

Donkey: The shit we’ll make people do for a green card.

Milobar: People picking fruit manage to maintain more dignity than these two.

Donkey: As they trudge through the desert, the young couple reach a warning sign on a barbed wire fence, marking the US border. That’s it? That’s the US border? Maybe Lou Dobbs isn’t as big of an idiot as I had suspected. No, wait…he still is.

Anyone else notice the Illegal Access warning is facing towards the US side of the border? I think I may have just discovered 98% of the problem with illegal immigration.

Milobar: The barbed wire is well spaced so it’s very easy to squeeze underneath it. Keeping the border safe, one illegal immigrant unable to crawl on their stomach at a time. After their daring dash across arbitrary national boundaries, Alma starts to get nauseous and they hunker down beside an old burned out truck.

Donkey: Brujo begins chanting and rubbing an ointment into Alma’s forehead, as well blowing smoke from a pipe into her face. I’m not really sure if this is supposed to be a bizarre healing ritual, or if he’s finally convinced her to try anal sex for the first time and is just prepping her up for a night of sand-filled ass loving by getting her crazy high.

It's a good thing they cast a desperate bulimic, or this would get old for her very fast.

Milobar: Come on, baby. Loosen up. It only burns like a bad rash the first couple of times. WINK. Of course her reaction, like most women I have propositioned with that exact same phrase, is to start coughing up green puke and… snakes? How the hell do you convince an actress to do this?

Donkey: Considering this woman’s role is composed of puking up bright green shit and snakes for almost the entire film, I’m going to guess that this was simply a better alternative than going back to working the Drive Thru at a Taco Bell. As they’re prepping for a sodolicious good time, a white dude acting as their coyote shows up and they tell him that they need to get to Los Angeles.

Milobar: Coyote Jim, worried about being spotted by the Minutemen, yells at Brujo and stomps their fire out. Of course, if I were in his shoes, I’d be less concerned about the fire and more concerned about the very apparent spotlight shining in the background.

Donkey: The coyote tells them about a train that’s conveniently headed to LA and offers to put them on it for three hundred dollars, just as the snake that Alma wretched up moments ago is seen climbing up his pant leg.

Milobar: “Something bit me, goddamn it!” For a snake that small, the bite mark is huge, and we are soon shown why. The snake apparently slithered inside of him. I don’t think the goddamn Mallacchi Brothers actually know how snakes work.

Donkey: That’s…um…awesome. And about thirty seconds later, he’s dead. Wow. Those snakes work fast, especially considering that was only his shin.

Milobar: Of course, the next thing we see is the train, and the Mexican couple trying to sneak on to it to get to LA.

We love this dude. And trust us, you're going to be seeing him a lot.

Donkey: I’d love to know how they got there, considering that Coyote Steve didn’t tell them where they were or in what direction they needed to go to get to this station before he dropped dead. So unless these assholes have a GPS, that’s some pretty good guess work. As they’re looking for a way to sneak onboard, the couple comes across one of our favorite recurring Asylum actors (whom we’ve already seen playing a character in the doomed strike force that was left for dead at the beginning of Transmorphers), portraying another illegal alien named Chico. After begging and pleading, Chico lets them board the car that he and a group of fellow illegal stowaways have paid to hide in. Brujo and Alma are then confronted by the two others, Juan and Julio (goddamn, these are some thoughtful Mexican names) demanding that they pay their way. All seems lost when suddenly this random dude named Miguel comes to their defense. Who is this dude?

Milobar: Mexicans stick together.

Donkey: Apparently only one out of every four stick together. The rest are ready to throw sick countrymen out to die. It turns out that Miguel is a friend of Alma’s from childhood. Isn’t that just an amazing coincidence? Really, what the hell are the odds of that?

What did you just say about President Taft, punk?

Next the movie takes a moment to introduce the rest of this motley cast, beginning with the train’s lone conductor, a man with a sweet handlebar mustache that connects up to his mutton chop sideburns, as he walks around collecting tickets. That is some awesome facial hair. Apparently this is his last shift before be begins an exciting new career as a grizzled 1890′s prospector. He collects tickets from the various passengers as they board and take seats. There’s two single white people, a man and woman who appear to be in their late thirties. You can just smell the awkward romance that’s going to ensue between these two, and it smells like a mixture of reheated Kraft Dinner and unrealized expectations. Man, these two are so fucking white that I suddenly feel like I’ve been suckered into watching an extended illegal Mexican Gap commercial. And that’s just reinforced by the next group to arrive; a gaggle of three disgustingly stereotypical teen-aged boys. Radical! They’re surfers just looking for that perfect wave and someone who will put up with their shitty acoustic guitar skills. But before we can focus on our hatred of them too much, in stumbles a family, consisting of two young parents with a very small girl.These two are obviously trapped in a loveless battle of apathy with a living reminder of their neglectful approach towards birth control yapping around their ankles.

Milobar: Enter my favorite victim, and a true diamond in the rough, Sad Titties. She and her friend Summer are talking about going to LA to become actors. Suddenly a comedy routine by David Cross springs in to my mind. They’re most likely going to be totally unsuccessful, stumble into the only thing more shameful than porn, an Asylum film, and have their acting wishes perversely granted by playing themselves in a movie about two clueless women traveling to LA to start an acting career.

Left: Kate Mulgrew, Right: Someone you will forget about in 30 seconds

Donkey: As the two twenty-something year old girls sit down, Crystal (lovingly known as Sad Titties) starts freaking out about this “Middle Eastern” dude that’s been staring at them from the other end of the passenger car, like, you know, forever.

Milobar: He doesn’t even look Middle Eastern. He looks like a white dude with a tan.

Donkey: And let’s put this in perspective. These two girls got on the damn train about thirty seconds ago. That doesn’t really warrant that kind of freak out, even if he had been looking at them for that entire thirty seconds.. It’s not like he’s been leering at them for over an hour, for God’s sake.

Milobar: And at the last minute some random cowboy shows up.

Donkey: A swarthy motherfucker with a shitty hat? Perfect. Finally we have all our players in this shitty ensemble. Let the assault on the very foundations of our reality commence. And now that all of our players have arrived, the train begins its journey and the movie turns back to Brujo and Alma.

But your snakes come...wait, do I seriously have to say this shit?

Milobar: Alma, looking worse than the hooker bodies Blombo keeps in the trunk of his car, says that everyone has snakes inside of them. Brujo’s witty response? “But yours come out.” Okay, I’m about done with these two fucking morons.

Donkey: That’s so fucking deep that I’m reaching for my snorkel gear. Seriously, I need a wetsuit lest I freeze and drown in that goddamn philosophical lake of brilliance.

Milobar: Actually, if you believe that everyone has snakes inside of them, I would call that pretty FUCKING INSANE.

Donkey: While talking about how they’re getting to LA to meet up with Brujo’s uncle, it is revealed that they believe the uncle can put the snakes back inside of Alma and make her whole again. Before your brain melts and pours out your ears as you try to picture how that could possibly be done, let’s take a step back for a moment and think about that, because the very foundation of this conflict is just cocktastic. How is it that she throws up parts of herself that have converted into snakes and manages to live for more than thirty seconds? This chick has clearly been chugging along for what has probably been days. Hours at the very least. What internal parts of your body can you possibly lose and still live, even when it is just a part a time?

Milobar: Judging by the people in this movie, self respect, common sense, and shame.

Donkey: Well it’s not like you can puke out a large part of your liver and then just hit the town for a night of roller-disco dance fever. You’d be way more fucked up than this. And just to highlight my point, Alma goes into another gagging fit and again we see this chick throwing up more of the green Jell-O substance/snake combination. Seriously, how many times do we have to watch this?

Milobar: Glub glub glub! There’s always room for Jell-O!

Donkey: Sensing that there are Jell-O Pudding Pops to be had, our old friend Chico comes over to survey the scene. First he asks for weed for him and his men, believing Brujo and Alma to be dope smugglers. But once he discovers all the snakes that Brujo is toting along in jars, he freaks out.

The truth is that this doesn't actually seal anything. He has mouth herpes and no one wants to go anywhere near that.

Milobar: Our significantly less cursed Mexican friends seem to agree with us and decide to attack the snake lady, but Brujo blinds them by blowing dust in their face and then traps Juan and Julio in a conveniently placed cage that he secures with a magical rope covered in green vomit. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. If you’re a goddamn moron.

Donkey: Like so many of these shitty movies, they don’t even bother to address this in any way. I understand why Alma is puking up that shit, per se. But how the hell did he just throw that up? And why did it magically bind that rope? Are we not going to talk about this at all? Really? Fuck…fine. Moments later, Brujo chases down Chico as he tries to escape and they begin a dramatic fight scene between cars, as these loud, screeching images of the tracks keep fading in and overlaying the scene. I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be symbolic, or some asshole’s idea of an artistic statement, but that’s just goddamn annoying. And after a very badly choreographed struggle, Brujo stabs Chico in the throat and kicks him off the train. So long, friend. See you in the next Asylum film.

Milobar: I’m surprised that Brujo didn’t have a catch phrase to yell out right then. Something like, “I guess this is your stop”, or “next stop, the ground!”

Donkey: With that situation temporarily resolved, our attention gets switched back to seeing the single white electrical engineer who keeps looking back at the only single white female in the passenger car. You can practically hear his thoughts out loud: how can I manage to show her my penis?

I am offensive in my inoffensiveness.

Milobar: There’s nothing like watching horribly awkward flirting on film.

Donkey: His great opening line is “do you have the time?” That’s a sweet move, and very true to real life, it’s followed by terrible and uncomfortable dialogue that’s not clever or interesting in the slightest. Put a gun to my goddamn head and end this. This isn’t funny or entertaining, and it’s not insightful into life or the human condition. It’s just goddamn frustrating to have to witness. If I want a goddamn touching romance between two idiots that closely mirrors real life, I’ll watch Dude, Where’s My Car? In the meantime, let’s get on to the fucking snakes with the bitey-bites. Finally, it starts to look a little more promising as the three teen-aged boys loudly enter the car and one of them has something that he can’t see slither past his leg. Of course, we don’t actually see anything either, as they don’t even so much as move the camera. There’s just a sudden dramatic blaring of music and we have to take his word as to why.

Milobar: Did that dude just say gnarly?

Donkey: Apparently these guys just rode in on skateboards from 1988. That’s rad.

Milobar: Bodacious!

Donkey: I’d like to take a moment to point out to our readers that by this point we can say with certainty that this train looks fucking nasty. Seriously. I understand that the rail industry isn’t doing very well but for god’s sake. This looks like it was just returning from Auschwitz when they stopped it to film a movie. Fuck, two of the four cars we see in this movie are full of garbage. What are they hauling? Where are they going? To the Los Angeles city dump? But with that tirade out of the way, the movie turns to the young family sleeping in their cabin, Mitch and Nancy along with their child, Lani. After Lani stumbles back from the bathroom, claiming that she saw a snake in there, Nancy tries to wake up Mitch and prod him to go check it out.

Milobar: “Mitch. Mitch!” Look asshole, Mitch is asleep. Okay? After being violently extricated from dreamland, Mitch groggily informs his spawn that there are no snakes on this train, and then asks how she thinks they would possibly get in. What do you mean how would they get in? It’s a goddamn train!

Donkey: Last I checked, this train was connected to the ground and it comes to stops for significant periods of time. It’s not a goddamn space station in orbit. An industrious snake could crawl up there on its own, even if you discount the very distinct possibility that it’s someone’s missing pet who brought it onboard and then lost it.

Milobar: Being an excellent father figure, Mitch ignores his daughter, rolls over to go back to sleep, and gives us a sweet shot of his tighty whities. Fuck, thank you for that.

This is what is known as a Mexican bidet.

Donkey: Sweet skid marks there, dude. Nancy gets up and checks the bathroom with their daughter, and after they leave, we get what is supposed to be a shocking and terrifying shot of a snake as it starts coming out of a roll of toilet paper. Fuck, how big do they think a roll of toilet paper is? There’s no way a snake could hide in there without you seeing most of it hanging out the other side.

Milobar: “Hey guys! If I didn’t know better, I’d say this roll of toilet paper was a snake.”

Donkey: Now as they’re settling back down to bed and the scene is about to cut away, we see that a snake is slithering under the covers into daddy’s bed. Ominous.

Milobar: After that dramatic and touching scene, Brujo takes a moment to finally reveal what is wrong with Alma. She’s been stricken with an ancient curse called… “The Snakes.”

Donkey: That’s insanely creative. He explains that she was originally supposed to marry a wealthy man but instead decided to run away with him, so her enraged family put this curse on her.

Milobar: Now admittedly, I’m not Mexican, but I think that might be a bit of an overreaction.

Donkey: As Brujo is revealing this intensely unbelievably premise to Miguel, Julio and Juan, who are still trapped in the cage which is being bound shut by the puke rope, taunt them from their cell. Rightly so, as these people and their goddamn story are about as worthy of respect as a child rapist, but if I were in a cage that was being held shut by a dude’s puke while his girlfriend is throwing up snakes every couple of minutes, I might just keep my goddamn mouth shut.

Milobar: I personally wouldn’t be trying to get out of that cage. They’re probably safer inside it.

Donkey: With that terribly insightful scene over, we turn back to Crystal and Summer sitting in the dining car, as Crystal is explaining how a guy named Mark, who is presumably one of their ex-boyfriends, gave them five thousand dollars to take something to a friend of his in LA. What it turns out that she’s carrying is a rather substantial package of coke in her purse. Not wrapped or hidden. Just sitting in her purse. I know that trains probably aren’t the pinnacle of security, but come on, you really thought it was a good idea to just try to carry that in your bag next to your lip liner? The scene ends with them noticing that the Middle Eastern dude is still following them, and then a random snake slipping by Summer’s boot. So in summary, these two have an intellectual capacity that barely keeps them from constantly drooling all over themselves. Thrilling.

As we turn once again to our Mexican friends, Miguel tries to convince Bujo to take Alma to see a doctor, as “they might be able to do some x-rays or something.” Yeah, because this is a very common ailment that any doctor can treat, one step down from the clap. A little penicillin and she’ll be fine.

Milobar: “Guts turning into snakes, eh? I’ve seen this before a hundred times. You just need a little bit of Robitussin and some warm milk.” Meanwhile the two Mexican dudes who were tied in a cage all of five feet away, have managed to escape without anyone noticing.

Donkey: Now that’s pretty fucking sneaky. Perhaps like people in so many other shitty movies, those guys have the famed ‘Ninja Teleport’ power. We catch up with Juan and Julio as they are looking at a bag that they stole from Brujo. Wait…they escaped AND managed to steal a fucking bag? Without being noticed? Fuck, these two would make better covert operatives than Remo Williams. As they riffle through the bag which contains the pipe that Brujo had been using to blow smoke into Alma’s face, they crack into a tin that they’ve pulled out, thinking that it’s weed. Of course, it actually turns out to be snakes. And naturally, one immediately crawls into Juan’s wrist.

I think you misunderstood the word 'Anal' in the Anal Bead instruction manual

Milobar: And there goes snake number two into Juan’s heterosexual life mate’s wrist.

Donkey: And in the great Asylum tradition, the audio for this scene, like some many others, is shit. The two of them are screaming and it is so loud that you’d think they had discovered a way that they could both deep throat the boom mic at once. Even at the lowest volume, it still seems like your television’s speakers are about to catch fire.

Milobar: Brujo arrives to save the da-HOLY SHIT! Did he just rip out that dude’s heart with his bare hands? Who the fuck is this guy? The Mexican, non-union equivalent of Superman?

I know it looks bad, but he's actually just installing a pacemaker. It's fast and cheap, if you don't mind a scar that looks like you were playing rugby with a landmine.

Donkey: The amount of shit that this guy can do, with no explanation as to why, is getting fucking ridiculous. Once he’s collected the snake from Juan’s heart, he then uses a knife to retrieve the other one out of Julio’s forearm. Now that’s just goddamn neighborly of that snake to have stayed there, rather than traveling to his heart, seeing as Juan and Julio both got penetrated at about the same time. Speaking of which, a gradual ache in my lower intestine is really causing me to feel like this movie is penetrating me. And while Juan drifts off to whack that giant pinata in the sky, Brujo leaves Julio to suffer his fate, insinuating that now that he’s been violated by a cursed snake, his insides will make the same unholy transformation. Wait, if that’s true then why did Coyote Frank just drop dead? Why didn’t he end up being infected with ‘the Snakes’?

The movie once again returns to Crystal and Summer, who are arguing over the large bag of coke. When Summer demands that Sad Titties ditch the stash, Crystal reveals that she can’t get rid of it or give it back because she’s already spent three out of the five thousand dollars they were given for this. Why would you tell your friend that you were given five grand if you’ve already spent three of it? Why not just say that you were given two?

Milobar: Because she’s a fucking idiot.

Donkey: After undoubtedly leaving heaping, clogged toilets in the bathroom and taking part in an awkward exchange with Hoover the Cowboy, the girls sit down at a booth in the diner car only to have Julio stumble up to them, mumble something in Spanish, throw up a bunch of black shit, and wander out. Fuck, that will ruin your dinner.

Milobar: The lunch lady picks up the phone and says “Mr. Jenkins, he’s coming your way.” Who’s coming my way, Gladys? What the fuck are you talking about?!

Donkey: The only other sentence that the lunch lady says to this Mr. Jenkins is that she’ll keep her eyes open until the police come. What? Did someone call the cops in the last fifteen seconds that I just didn’t notice? Because I was pretty sure that no one’s done anything yet. But before the scene ends, Hoover the Cowboy plops himself down with the two young women and identifies himself as a cop.

Milobar: And it’s time to take Sad Titties for a little mano e breasto chat.

Donkey: Just before he takes her away, Summer says, “You don’t look like a cop, you look like a dealer.” Why, that’s a valid point you’ve got there, Summer. Gold star for you! Because no undercover cop has ever looked like a grease ball before. They all wear freshly pressed slacks, sport a cop mustache, and rock out in a hat that says “Undercover, bitches”. Well done. Have a cookie. But while we leave Summer to undoubtedly continue her groundbreaking research into Quantum Physics, the movie turns its focus back to our flirtatious single white people. As they regale each other with enchanting tales of their failed life skills, the conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Julio, stumbling around in his cursed condition.

Milobar: I wish somebody would interrupt this movie with something worth watching. But I guess a Mexican shaking like a crack head and puking up green Jell-O will have to suffice.

Donkey: The conductor puts Julio in a seat and then goes to call for help, as the two single white people look on in very typical ‘white’ fashion. “Golly gee whiz…someone should help that poor man. Fuck, not me, but someone should”. I love the fucking camera angles in this scene as the conductor is on the phone. It jumps from looking up at him upside down from under his chin, or down from directly above his head. What the fuck is that? There’s absolutely no way that I can concentrate on what he’s saying when I’m looking at him like this, not that he’s saying anything even remotely relevant anyway.

I'm so good that I can emote fear using my nostrils and hairline alone. Still not impressed? Flip the camera then, bitch.

I’ve had about enough of this, and the movie agrees as the scene transitions back to Alma, who’s looking pretty damn rough as Miguel is trying to comfort her.

Just hold still. If you're going to rot, the least you can do is smell like a football player's ass crack.

Milobar: What the fuck is he doing? He’s spraying deodorant on Alma and has wrapped her head up like she’s got a goddamn toothache.

Donkey: As Alma is beginning to realize that there is no way that she’s ever going to make it to LA alive, she declares that she doesn’t want to be thrown off the train. If she’s going to die, she wants to do it here. Really? Your’d rather die here on this rundown shitty train than outside in the fresh air and under an open sky? Are you sure you wouldn’t rather be moved to some place even more luxurious, like a fucking garbage barge, or a pile of AIDS infested medical refuse?

Milobar: Fuck, if I were on that train I’d want to die too. Fuck this movie’s so goddamn boring. Seriously. However, the one redeeming scene this movie contains is coming up.

Donkey: Yep, the big pay off.

Milobar: The movie that created the legend. The legend that started a revolution! But before we get there, Brujo the Mexican samurai has decided to make his way to the engineer’s booth via the roof of the train to make sure no one stops this locomotive.

Donkey: Once they take those few moments to demonstrate that the people who made this movie clearly have no idea how hard it would be to navigate along the top of a moving train, we finally get to one of the greatest scenes in the movie, as the cowboy has sat down Crystal in a car all by themselves. “Are you going to arrest me?”, she asks. You’re carrying around almost a kilo of coke, you moron. What the fuck do you think he’s going to do?

Milobar: I’m hoping for a foot massage.

Donkey: But of course, Hoover offers to avoid pressing charges and make her file disappear if she gives him the money. Which she does…and then he’s suddenly making out with her. What the fuck was that? But it’s clear by the look on her face that this isn’t something anyone should be doing.

This scene isn't awkward enough! Quick, both of you think about when you had to sleep with me to get your parts! Perfect! AND ACTION!

Milobar: She’s clearly disgusted. And yet she still lets him take her shirt off to give us all a peak at what we will forever know as “Sad Titties.”

Donkey: This is the worst type of nudity scene ever in the history of film. It clearly looks like she’s actually under duress the entire time she’s taking her shirt and bra off. There is obviously no acting involved here at all.

Milobar: She’s embarrassed and ashamed of herself. That’s so sexy.

Donkey: Once we all finish running off a batch of baby batter, we need to examine this from her point of view. It’s one thing to take your top off in a major Hollywood motion picture in the hopes that despite doing something you might find degrading, there’s a chance you might be noticed and be able to build a career out of it. But this is a goddamn Asylum movie. Other than us, there may be about a dozen other people who ever see this. So you’re putting yourself through this for absolutely nothing. And this so fucking awkward. She looks like she’s about five seconds away from bursting into tears and running off the set.

Milobar: Now that the Sad Titties have been clumsily fondled, it’s time for Middle Eastern Man to make an appearance. Who is Middle Eastern Man you ask? A more important question might be: Who the fuck cares? Because the writers of this shitty movie sure don’t. And as the tensions run high on the sexual molestation car, the movie cuts to an external shot that is quite obviously nowhere near the same train.

Donkey: I think if we actually paid attention and looked back at them all, we’d discover that every external shot in this movie is a different train. Once again we now turn back to the single white folks, as they watch Julio writhe in pain, still doing nothing themselves to actually help.

Milobar: Generic white chick, while watching Pedro Mexicano in his death throes, incredulously asks the conductor if he’s getting a doctor. We’re on a fucking train that’s IN MOTION. Do you think I have a doctor in my back pocket? Get the fuck out of here.

A Mexican Wizard?! Fuck, I've gotta switch back to injecting black tar heroin directly into my sack.

Donkey: What a great fucking scene. Goddamn this movie is entertaining. We return to Brujo the Mexican Merlin attempting to prevent the train from stopping, as we first see the engineer of the train that is…smoking crank? Fuck, what?!

Milobar: He’s toking that shit out of a light bulb. He’s all fucking angry as shit, even before the Mexican Witch Doctor shows up. Brujo, confronting his arch nemesis Retarded White Guy on Crack, jumps down and firmly asserts, “this train can’t stop!” To which Crackhead McDoogle’s response is: “wrong bitch!” At least he didn’t claim to be the Juggernaut.

Donkey: This is so fucking random, and so AWESOME. This guy’s shaking and tripping out. He takes one swing at Brujo, Brujo pulls his knife, and then without being so much as touched, the engineer just passes out on his own. And as Brujo is smashing one single piece of equipment (how exactly does he know which one to smash?), they flash a random shot of the engineer’s belt buckle, which is a badly painted picture of a puppy, and then to a photograph of him and another dude standing together without shirts on. Wait…WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? A few moments later, after the conductor discovers that the engineer is passed out with smashed equipment and tries unsuccessfully to call for help, the movie starts to ratchet up the action as the group of young punks begin to notice some of the many snakes that are on the train. As two of them are standing there looking at a snake slithering out from between two seats, the one asks the other what that is.

Milobar: What do you mean what is it? It’s a goddamn snake!

Donkey: Apparently he thinks it could be a goddamn iguana.

Milobar: How do you not know what a snake looks like? How do you confuse a snake with anything else? What goddamn country is this moron from? As the single white duo and the young punks flee to another car, they come across the babbling conductor screaming “Runaway Train!” Yeah, you said that eight times already: Fucking runaway train, we fucking get it.

Donkey: Suddenly a man-sized snake that I believe is supposed to be what Julio transformed into, attacks and kills the conductor. As the others flee in terror, one of the young punks runs into another a car all by himself, where we can assume that he meets a violent end, as we see him turn around to the sound of a snake hissing, only to see bright red food coloring splattered across a wall.

But just as the movie starts to warm up to the point where one might actually think to look for a pulse, it dies again immediately and goes straight back to hell, as it turns our attention to the Middle Eastern man, who has taken Hoover by gun point back to the same car that all the Mexicans were hiding in to begin with. The Middles Eastern dude, apparently named Barat, puts Hoover in the same cage that was used to hold the others captive with puke rope and tells him to strip so that when the others walk into the car, they’ll see how gay he is. What? Where did that come from?

Milobar: Who in their right goddamn mind is going to walk into that train car?

Donkey: Now that Barat the Middle Eastern Sensation has Hoover pinned in a cage, undressing, and has declared that he’s going to send him to Hillbilly Heaven, he moves his gun right up to Hoover’s face and fires. Of course, even from less than a foot away, he somehow manages to only shoot him in the cheek, grazing him at best. Shit, my jaw!

Milobar: Unexplained Middle Eastern Man will fuck up the way you eat breakfast, BELIEVE IT.

Donkey: As Barat saunters away, quite pleased with his obvious shortcomings, he runs into Miguel and Alma. Apparently they were cowering in a corner of the room the whole time and just weren’t noticed. That seems pretty fucking stupid, but I don’t think it would really be fair to expect any different at this point. As Barat raises his gun to take out the witnesses, Hoover slumps out of the cage and shoots Barat in the neck, who stumbles around to return fire. Hoover slumps, but you can’t be sure if that’s because he’s been shot further, or if he’s in the process of shitting his pants. Was that supposed to have hit him?

Milobar: No, I’m pretty sure that he just died of shame. I know I’m pretty fucking close. I’m seriously considering not posting this review.

Donkey: Once Barat and Hoover have finished emptying their guns and mercifully managed to kill each other, we see that they have unwittingly unleashed all of Alma’s remaining snakes.

Milobar: And Sad Titties is still just sitting in the sexual molestation car, waiting for The Groping Cowboy to make his triumphant return.

Donkey: And now that shit has really hit the fan, it’s time for a bunch of quick shots of the action. First we see Nancy, the young mother, as she tries to wake Mitch, pulling back his blankets and discovering that he’s dead and is apparently cuddling with the snake murderer. That’s just touching. But then of course, snakes attack Nancy and she’s killed. Next we cut to Summer, as she hears a shriek and discovers Crystal in a passenger car just fucking surrounded by snakes. She throws her jacket over one of the snakes and Crystal jumps over it, escaping all too easily.

Milobar: Brujo discovers that Alma is missing and that even more snakes are loose, so he runs through the train trying to gather up everything as Alma continues puking up lime Jell-O and snakes everywhere.

Donkey: And this scene just keeps going and going and going. Fuck, we get the point. He’s looking for snakes. Fast forward…

Milobar: After watching both her parents being devoured by snakes we see the little girl huddling in fear by herself.

Someone should come and find this little girl any time n....SWEET JESUS!

Donkey: Just when you think that witnessing her parents die is the worst thing that you could possibly subject this girl to, suddenly a giant snake appears and starts to devour her, with blood fucking spraying everywhere. Jesus!

Milobar: It’s basically just swallows her whole.

Donkey: And legs first at that, so that you can hear her scream in horror the entire time. That’s fucking brutal. I think that’s one of the most vicious things I’ve ever seen.

Milobar: Women screaming, a Mexican Dude covered in snakes and puking up green shit everywhere, a twenty year old girl who has been coerced into a rough tit fondling; it’s like a night out on the town with Blombo. Excellent.

Donkey: Finally the movie cuts back to Brujo discovering Miguel and Alma. He kneels by Alma to comfort her and check on her condition, only to discover that it’s too late. Alma has grown fangs for some reason and has gone past the point of no return. They start to have a rather pointless and unimaginative discussion about heaven, all the while Miguel is standing a few feet away, facing off again the giant snake that used to be Julio. He’s just hitting the snake with a frying pan over and over as it just looks at him, and taking it seemingly without complaint. This is goddamn ridiculous.

Milobar: This dude is awesome. He’s still just smacking that snake in the face. But seriously, I really want to know how much you have to pay an actress to stuff a snake in her mouth.

Donkey: Judging from this movie, not much.

Milobar: They probably pay her with a goddamn bologna and processed cheese sandwich.

Donkey: And now the movie turns into pure insanity. Alma turns into a massive snake that immediately turns on Brujo, eating him whole. Once it swallows that greasy, burrito flavored lump, it smashes out the wall of the passenger car and manages to escape outside. The next shot shows it moving along the roof of the train, and for some reason the snake is now fucking huge. The very next shot shows the snake about to attack the train and, you guessed it, the Alma snake has now grown to the size of a fucking entire fucking train. Sweet, mercifully Robert Urich! I don’t know how much more of this I can take. But just as I think that my cries for mercy have been heard, another staggeringly blow reigns down. The snake STARTS TO EAT THE FUCKING TRAIN. Beginning at the front, it just chomps away and swallows the whole thing, car by car. Screaming in terror almost as loud as our laughter, our survivors somehow realize enough about what’s going on to run through the train, heading towards the back as it’s being devoured. Once they make it to the end and open the rear exit door into the night sky, they start arguing about whether or not they can jump off the back to the ground below.

So can giant snakes digest massive metal objects? Or would this have basically killed it in 10 minutes anyways?

Milobar: The camera shot makes it look like it’s a huge drop, but it’s just a fucking train being swallowed by a giant snake. How high could it be? What the fuck am I talking about? Why would I expect this movie to start making sense now?

Donkey: I really don’t understand how high up they’re expecting us to believe that these people are. But still, they’re exclaiming no, it’s too far. They can’t do it. But finally, as the Alma snake is bearing down on them, they manage this massive leap just in time for the train to finish being consumed.

Milobar: Acting fast, the lone surviving Mexican, who spent most of the film stumbling around in the background and being useless, uses a glowing amulet to summon a fucking vortex, which sucks the snake up into the sky on a magical trip to the land of Oz.

WWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Donkey: What, are all goddamn Mexican peasants wizards? What the fuck is that? There was nothing at any point in this movie that pointed to Miguel having any kind of magical knowledge or abilities. And as we watch that giant snake soar higher and higher into the air, all I can think of is a middle class white family in Iowa, sitting down outside for a nice family picnic as a long cylindrical shadow begins to form over all of them, gradually getting larger while they stare up in complete confusion.

Milobar: The experience that is Snakes on a Train ends with the survivors standing on solemnly on the train tracks. As they wearily begin their slow walk towards safety we see a shot of Sad Titties’ leg, and we are very ominously shown that she has been bitten. As if to suggest there might be a sequel. And that’s it. That’s the end. That was fucking ridiculous.

The Verdict:

Donkey: I don’t understand this movie. It’s based on a Hollywood film with a very simple plot: a witness is on a plane, heading back to give incriminating testimony, so the criminals load that plane with poisonous snakes to make sure that he never arrives at his destination. Simple and easy to do. Compare that with this fucking ridiculous mess. A Mexican chick with a curse that causes her to puke up snakes as she gradually becomes one herself. Not only is that so fucking stupid that the film should be mandated to wear a helmet at all times, but it’s far more difficult to actually pull off. When you’re dealing with a budget that is best measured in pesos, why the fuck would you complicate your lives like that? That’s like someone seeing their neighbor make their own slingshot and deciding that you’re going to one up them by building an atomic warhead in your garage using Silly Putty, an irregular can of pineapple chunks, and love. And if you’re going to do it this way, at least make it somewhat entertaining. The first seventy minutes of this movie is absolute tedium, redeemed only by the last twenty minutes that made me laugh so hard that I almost puked coat hangers. Still, that’s a high price to pay. I give this movie three and a half handlebar mustaches out of five Mexican wizards.

Milobar: Let’s get something straight right now: people do not have fucking snakes inside of them! That statement alone is so goddamn crazy it makes me want to punch myself in the ear for listening to it. That being said, it’s hard to believe someone had the balls to write this piece of crap, let alone commit it to film. So there’s an ancient curse called ‘The Snakes’ that transforms a person’s inner organs into, well, snakes. Those snakes in turn, upon biting other people, pass on the curse and then the cycle repeats ad nauseum. I’d love to show a few people at The Asylum a graph of exponential growth because, barring the off chance that some random Mexican has a magical amulet that can send all the snakes to Utah, you’ve pretty much just fucked yourself. Although I do have to give them some credit for the titties. I’m sure it wasn’t easy convincing some random chick to take her shirt off for thirteen dollars and a granola bar. I give this one 8 awkward sexual situations out of 12 children devoured whole.

What We Learned:

Milobar: Are you fucking kidding me? What haven’t I learned from this movie? Every Mexican is a wizard. Train engineers? Crack heads. Some women are so desperate to be actors they’ll give you two thousand dollars AND let you awkwardly fondle their breasts. If you ever get cursed with ‘The Snakes’ you better have an uncle in LA or you are fucked. But most importantly, all it takes is a big heart, a little luck, and a ridiculously and conveniently placed magical amulet to save the day.

Donkey: I’ve never understood how the extreme right wing of our North American society managed to justify their fear and hatred of outsiders. Now I know. They’re apparently looking at something like this as an educational film warning us of the dangers that can rise from the south. Way to go, Asylum. For your next movie, why don’t you just try to convince everyone that Latvian immigrants are all thieving lepers who will stop at nothing to give our daughters a fatal urinary tract infection.

Don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: The THRILL of Gymnastics, the KILL of Karate, GYMKATA!

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