The kid on the poster isn't the actual kid in the movie and there isn't a single creature that looks like that anywhere to be found. But they're not kidding when they say that this will haunt you forever. So I guess one out of three ain't bad.

Donkey: I’m sure you’re like me (and reading this back to myself, I realize that I’m TOTALLY like me…how did I know? That’s fucking brilliant) in that when I think of particular movies, music, or games, I often associate them with certain events that were taking place at the time when I first experienced them. That’s the power of a first impression, and that shit can stay with you forever. So when I first heard about this week’s film and it’s staggering stature among those who have made it a cult classic, I was intrigued yet apprehensive. You see, I had seen the first movie, Troll, years earlier at a time that I’ll never forget. My family was visiting relatives when our parents all decided to go out for dinner and leave me and my brothers to spend the night with our cousins under the supervision of our oldest cousin. And to keep us from lighting ourselves on fire in an attempt to stave off oppressing boredom, they had rented two movies for us to watch. Those two movie were, and keep in mind that I was about ten at the time, Youngblood and Troll. For those of you that haven’t seen them, Youngblood is a hockey movie that’s about as close to real hockey as an episode of Three’s Company, and Troll is a horror movie that’s about as enjoyable to endure as lung cancer. I remember very clearly watching those movies and ending the night with the one clear thought: “Who the fuck picked these goddamn movies?” Of course, much later I realized that particular cousin who was watching over us and had chosen the movies was nuttier than a goddamn O Henry bar, so it made a lot more sense. But for years thereafter, all I could remember was how much I hated those movies almost as much as the entire night on which I watched them. So when it came to watching Troll II for the first time, there was an inherent amount of pain involved before we even pressed play. As it turns out, my fears were unfounded, as Troll II does it’s best to make sure that I can’t even remember the first one existed. God bless you, Troll II. You sure can ease the pain.

The Plot:

Donkey: It’s a special kind of sequel that makes no attempt to be even remotely related to the original, but Troll II takes that kind of brave stupidity one step further. Not only is it not related to the first movie in any conceivable manner, but it’s not even related to its own goddamn title. That’s right; there’s not a single fucking troll in the entire movie. Not one. Hell, the word troll isn’t even so much as uttered by accident, even to describe a really boring method of fishing. Instead the movie is about goblins, and while my inner geek might be showing a little too much here, anyone who’s ever read any fantasy can tell you that a troll and a goblin are not the same damn thing. I can only guess that at this rate the third film would be about a young boy’s battle against the local city council to get the proper permits to rezone his parent’s property title to allow them to subdivide…and that planning committee is made up of blood-thirsty ogres!

So what is this crusty bowl of ballsauce actually about, you ask? Well shut the hell up for a minute and I’ll tell you. It’s the tale of a young boy named Joshua and his average nuclear family vacationing in the fictional town of Nilbog, longing for the peaceful and highly inbred lifestyle that you can only find in a populace the size of a professional football team. But their dreams come to an end when Joshua is warned by the ghost of Grandpa Seth, with whom he communes on a regular basis, that trouble is afoot and that they’re walking into a deadly trap.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Exhibit A: Grandpa Appears In My Room At Night To Tell Me About Monsters…And Touch My Bathing Suit Area

There's something dense about this scene alright, but it ain't the fog.

Donkey: Not bothering to fuck around with pomp, circumstance, or even proper editing, Troll II starts immediately with its first scene and corresponding dialogue literally no more than a second after the roar of the MGM logo, almost tricking you into thinking that you’ve missed a chunk of the movie already. Fear not, as it wouldn’t matter even if you did. The tale opens with an old man named Grandpa Seth telling a bedtime story to his grandson, Joshua. The old timer’s fable is about Peter, a courageous boy of what appears to be about 32, who becomes lost while traveling through the forest due to a dense fog, so thick that it you can barely see it seeing as its undoubtedly made by five crew members blowing cigarette smoke into frame on an otherwise bright, sunny day. Lost and alone, Peter is followed by midgets in burlap sacks and shitty masks that the movie has the audacity to call goblins, until he randomly falls and is knocked out cold. When he awakens some time later, he finds himself faced with a beautiful woman with horribly fake freckles who offers him a shitty green mix of Cool Whip and Jell-O. Once he begins sucking it down without question, he starts to sweat green Kool-Aid or what they call chlorophyll, before turning into a half man and half plant so that the goblins can eat him. The end! Goddamn that’s a great story. And while Joshua tries to digest the unbridled worthlessness of this parable, Grandpa Seth finally gets to the fucking point and explains that goblins are real. This would probably be a more ominous revelation if the goblins didn’t look like complete ass. You might as well have made them out of sock puppets and then hit me with the news that the sock puppets are real. Seriously, how scary can midgets in potato sacks be? But just in case the level of idiocy dropped on us so far wasn’t enough, right about then Josh’s mother steps into his bedroom and asks why he’s still awake. He begins to say that Grandpa Seth was telling him a story when he suddenly slaps a hand over his mouth and we realize that Grandpa Seth was never really there at all. You see, it turns out that Grandpa Seth has been dead for six months despite the fact that Joshua still talks to him on a regular basis.

Before you get to sleep, son, let me ask you something: have I ever told you about that time I killed a drifter and wore him as a jacket?

Why do you keep calling me Hayden Fox?

After settling Josh down for the night, the mother enters the living room where the father is talking about their vacation plans with some unknown dude on the phone. To get back to their settler roots, the family is planning to go to Nilbog, a town with a population of 26, after swapping houses with a local family. But once that riveting conversation ends, the mother turns to the father in all seriousness and asks him who the goblins are. He seems as confused as I am as to why the hell she’d ask him that question, since he hadn’t said a goddamn thing about goblins, but the scene ends before he can ask her what the fuck is wrong with her. I realize this is a very bad attempt to build tension, but it would have made no less sense for her to ask him who framed Roger Rabbit.

I can relate to this. When I'm exercising in the privacy of my bedroom, not only do I wear an outfit that barely contains my balls, but I also wear a weight lifting belt when lifting 15 lbs.

While the parents wrestle with their own idiocy, things prove to be equally mindless back upstairs. After accidentally going to the wrong window and scaring the hell out of Josh, a teenaged boy sneaks into his sister Holly’s room to surprise her while she’s power-lifting in an outfit that’s slowly losing the battle to cover her vagina. Started by the incredibly homely visage of her boyfriend, Elliot, Holly hits the dude square in the nuts, to which he asks if she’s trying to make him a homo. Apparently that’s how they thought people ended up gay in the late 80’s. As he slowly recovers from barely dodging a new love of manchowder, they begin to argue about how much time Elliot spends with his friends, just as his pals conveniently climb up to her window themselves to say hi. At least I think they’re three friends of his. But considering how stupid the idea of three dudes managing to climb up a single ladder at the same time is, it might be that Elliot is friends with a pimply, awkward virgin Hydra. To try to prove to Holly that she’s the only honeypot that he wants to teabag, Elliot offers to come with her and her family on vacation. Of course, he then completely cripples his own point by asking if he could bring his friends, to which she says that he is welcome to join her family in the morning, but if his friends come, she never wants to see him again. I haven’t seen teenage drama this intense since Archie blew off Betty and Veronica to give Jughead a tugjob while he sucked back a dozen hamburgers.

Exhibit B: Fuck Disneyland, Let’s Spend Our Vacation In The Abyss

To once again prove that this movie was edited by a gerbil treating its Attention Deficit Disorder with a cocaine addiction, the movie then suddenly cuts directly to the family van the next day as Holly, Josh, and the parents are driving to Nilbog. Holly’s horrible attempt at crying leads us to believe that Elliot didn’t show up, and this is confirmed a moment later when she and the father begin to argue about how useless he is. To break the tension, the mother demands that Josh must sing that song she likes. After first refusing, he finally begins the mysterious song that she loves so much, treating us to a few bars of…Row Row Row Your Boat. Wow. I guess they’re saving Happy Birthday To You for when they want to kick this party into overdrive. But just when you think things can’t get any worse, they all start singing at once. I’d describe their feeble wailing as being in harmony, but I’m pretty sure the English language would be able to charge me with sexual assault if I did. The scene cuts away from their chorus of insanity to reveal that Elliot and his three friends are trying to catch up in an RV before once again returning to Josh, as he has a nightmare about spouting chlorophyll and turning into a plant as his family are revealed to be goblins. Once he wakes up out of that, the nightmare continues in the real world as the family passes a hitchhiker holding a sign that says “STOP THEM!” Recognizing the mysterious stranger to be Grandpa Seth, Josh convinces his father to stop the van, saying that he’s gotta puke. As soon as they’re stopped, he runs over to get a stern warning from Seth that they’re heading into danger. But before he can provide information that would be in any way useful, the family backs up the van to see what the hell this idiot kid is doing, breaking the spell and allowing Josh to see that he’s actually bantering back and forth with a drifter.

I had a Superman Halloween costume with a plastic mask that was scarier than this.

The family’s journey continues and as they get closer to their destination, the tide of stupidity does little to recede. They pass by Elliot and his friends, who have somehow managed to make it past them and park their RV about fifty feet down an embankment off the side of the road, before finally driving into the vibrant community of Nilbog. Immediately Holly notices that there isn’t a soul to be seen anywhere, but the father assures her that this is normal for a farming community, as everyone is home in bed by this time of night – “This time of night” quite obviously being about 2 PM. They carry on and moments later finally arrive at the house, where the exchange family stands out front waiting for them. They all gather to stand face to face, sizing up the others like they’re about to have a Deathmatch Tug-o-war battle when Josh notices that they all have a scar on them. It’s obviously supposed to be similar, but the only thing that each one has in common is looking like shit. Having little to say, the host family loads into their truck to leave, ignoring Josh’s father as he gives them a sales pitch so awkward that you’d think he was selling harvested baby organs while assuring them that they’ll love his house. But as one last kick in the balls, as the family begins to drive away, the youngest member throws Josh a ball from the back of the truck. Josh catches it and turns it over, revealing green writing that says “eat before we eat you”. Now that makes fucking sense. If I were going to set an elaborate trap to lure in an unsuspecting family into becoming the primary ingredient of my Asshole Casserole, I’d toss out ominous clues that are as subtle as a punch in the babymaker.

Feel free to watch our tv and eat our food, but stay out of our Chinese Fuck Swing!

Now that they’re alone, the Swiss Family Taintstains start to make themselves at home when they discover that a shitty meal has been prepared and left for them. They jump right on it, sitting down to eat so quickly that you’d think they’ve spent the last month fasting, not even bothering to note the fact that every food item, including the drink left for them, is an obnoxious green color. Just then Grandpa Seth appears at nearby window, beckoning Josh over and warning him to stop them from eating anything or they’ll all be killed. So while the family takes an extremely long time to pass the food around without actually eating any, Josh struggles to come up with a plan. To help make things a little easier, Grandpa Seth uses some random power that every ghost apparently has to freeze them all for 30 seconds, with food literally inches from their mouths. At this point I’d like to note that they didn’t have the budget or filming skills to actually freeze the shot of the family while Josh walks around in front of it, so instead the actors do their best to just sit still, failing to do so just enough to make it painfully obvious that no one is actually frozen. After plugging away at his tiny brain while circling them like a vulture, Josh finally comes up with a master plan, climbs up on the table, and pisses on all the food as they snap out of their coma. Of course, I understand how that ruined the food on the table, but I’m not really sure how that managed to stop them from stuffing the food that was less than an inch from their mouths down their throats.

If he had more than 30 seconds to work with, it wouldn't be Josh's piss that was soaking into the food...

You don't piss on hospitality! Generosity, sure, but not hospitality!

With the meal ruined, the father takes Josh upstairs and has delivers an awesome speech, giving a meandering, aimless rant before saying something about a hunger strike. The best line in the whole affair is when he proclaims, “You can’t piss on hospitality…I won’t allow it!” That shit is classic. Left in the bedroom to think about what he’s done or at the very least to ponder why the hell he’d bother saving this gaggle of ass excavators, Josh looks around at the walls to find illustrated pictures of goblins hung everywhere. Again, why the fuck you’d plan an elaborate trap and then put out obvious warnings, I have no idea. Unless that’s goblin porn that the youngest one is spanking it to at night, in which case it makes total sense.

Exhibit C: Buffet Of The Damned

Ouch! This almost broke skin, you sons of bitches!

The movie turns back to the trailer of douches, where Elliot and his three friends are watching a movie that looks so shitty that I MUST know what it is. One of the friends named Arnold decides that he’s had enough and leaves the other three there, going outside the trailer for a cigarette. While I’m sure this is supposed to make him look more mature and badass, when it’s coupled with his “1987 Chess Team Champion” appearance, it actually manages to make him look even fruitier. But in no time at all, he sees a girl in ripped up clothes running through the forest a short distance away, clearly fleeing from danger. Instead of getting help from his other friends, Arnold tears off in pursuit and eventually tackles her. As she explains that she’s been forced to eat something and thinks she’s dying, a group of goblins appears from out of nowhere and approaches them. Not thinking this is bizarre in the slightest, Arnold walks over to them and casually explains that they’ll be in for a world of hurt if they don’t leave. As he walks back to the girl to strut around in his awesomeness, the goblins give him their response in the form of a spear thrown at him, lodging a whole inch into his shoulder. The boys back in the trailer hear his scream, but dismiss it as Arnold getting laid. The only way that’s a fair assumption is if Arnold has a reputation for running into the woods and screaming at the top of his lungs while fucking a pine tree. Otherwise, that’s goddamn retarded.

Back outside, the girl helps Arnold pull the spear out of his shoulder before they wander off deeper into the forest, again because this is a much better fucking idea than going back to the RV and getting the fuck out of there. Moments later they come across a church in the middle of nowhere, entering it to find a bed, a weird alter, and apparently a smoke machine inside. It turns out to be the lair of Creedence Leonore Gielgud, the greatest overactor in the history of cinema and leader of the goblins, who uses a slab of Stonehenge to control the army. Yep, you heard that correctly; Stonehenge. I can’t wait for Spinal Tap and the dancing midgets to show up. Creedence, whom we’ll call CCR out of sheer laziness, welcomes them to her church of, oh let’s say Scientology and offers them a broth to heal their wounds, which consists mostly of dry ice apparently. After they have both sipped the green Kool-Aid, the girl wanders upstairs to a balcony, screaming in agony while Arnold stays below, frozen and watching on. Succumbing to the potion, the girl lies down on the floor and has her entire torso turn into a green slimy cake-like substance. With her transformation now complete, a slew of goblins suddenly appears and begins to feast on her. Well, I think that’s what they’re supposed to be doing. They’re actually just dipping their hands into green slop and smearing it around their unmoving mouths, but who’s keeping score? While watching in what one would assume is supposed to be horror instead of complete boredom, Arnold takes a rather unremarkable line and delivers it at a level of awesomeness that simply cannot be described:

On second thought, those acting lessons might have been a good investment.

Arnold: “They’re eating her. Then they’re going to eat me. Oh my Gooooooddddd!”

Seriously, look that shit up on YouTube and watch it. It shouldn’t be hard to find as it is probably the most referenced line in the movie, but it will take years off your life.

Turning away from that act of unspeakable and apparently unactable horror, we check back in with the family that evening to find Holly in a Garfield nightshirt, performing a fucking ridiculous dance routine in her room to techno music that is about nine intellectual notches beneath a tune that you could produce with a Seiko calculator watch. Unfortunately she gives up shortly, instead entertaining herself by pretending to give Elliot a lecture while staring into her mirror. But just then Grandpa Seth shows up in her mirror, calling for Joshua in a sad attempt to cover for the fact that he was watching in the hopes that she’d take her shirt off. Hearing her scream, the whole family runs up and to investigate. Finding nothing of course, Josh offers to swap rooms with Holly, which she gladly accepts. Once they’re all gone, Josh summons Grandpa Seth in the mirror again, who again warns Joshua that they must leave, revealing that this is the kingdom of the goblins. Yeah, we got that already, asshole. So what’s the point of this scene them, you ask? If you could see that fucking dancing, you’d know. Oh, you’d know.

I'm Batman.

Come on, boy...those short shorts are just begging for it.

With one friend down for the count already, it’s time to pick off the next pawn. So the next day we return to the RV and focus on another one of Elliot’s friends named Drew. He looks in their fridge only to discover that even though the four of them had piled into an RV for a vacation, not one of them was smart enough to bring a single thing to eat or drink. Apparently they were under the impression that their madd skillz with the ladies would allow them to sustain themselves entirely on overflowing buckets of vagina. After being dismissed by a groggy Elliot who’s busy dispelling Holly’s suspicions of his homosexuality by doing some naked spooning with Brent, the fourth friend, Drew decides to literally run into town to pick up some supplies after stopping momentarily to do some light stretching and calisthenics. But his journey isn’t too long, as moments later he gets picked up by the local sheriff, a man named, no shit, Gene Freak. Sheriff Freak offers him a lift into town as well as a bright green fucking Play-Do sandwich, both of which Drew happily accepts without question. After being dropped off at the general store, Drew finds himself faced with a group of hayseeds standing out front, forming a silent gauntlet of inbreeding for him to slink his nervous virgin asshole through. Once he makes it through and enters the store, already sweating the telltale green Kool-Aid of ridiculous doom, he is greeted by the remarkably child molester looking clerk who talks him into accepting a free bottle of Nilbog milk. The clerk begs him to make sure that both he and his friends drink it, in no way confirming that he’s a fucking rapist. With the roofies slowly kicking in, Drew wanders back out of the store and back through the gauntlet elementary school drop outs, who tell him that Arnold left a message for him, asking to meet Drew at the old church. Maybe it’s just me, or maybe the 80’s were a very different time, but if I wanted to get important information to my pal, I wouldn’t assign the biggest group of menacing cornholers the task of spitting a chewing tobacco covered message at him. I might just sashay my ass back to the RV instead, but again, that’s just me.

$50 says that no matter what he's dreaming, it's more coherent than this movie.

But Drew isn’t the only person to visit the thriving metropolis of Nilbog that day. That morning back at the house of shame, the parents discover that they too have nothing to eat or drink, save the several jugs of Nilbog milk sitting in the fridge. However, I’d just like to point out that if you’re going to leave a trap consisting of bottles of milk, hoping that they’ll chug it a succumb to your poison, the milk probably shouldn’t be so thick that it could be mistaken for horse semen. Because apart from possibly the father, I don’t know who the hell would drink that. Eager to prove their meager worth, Josh and the father declare that they’ll make the trek into town for sustenance. They soon arrive at the same corner store, but rather than being greeted by a gauntlet of phonics assassins, they find only a sign saying that the shop is “closed for 20 minutes, back after the sermon is done”. As the father extols the virtue of patience, Josh goes to the sideview mirror on their car and tries to summon Grandpa Seth, only to see a sign in the reflection and realize that “Nilbog” is “Goblin” spelled backwards! How kind-of-not-really clever! He turns back to share this revelation with his father, only to see that he’s completely passed out on a chair by the front door of the corner store. That’s goddamn ridiculous. Narcoleptics don’t slip into an REM state that goddamn quickly. Deciding to take matter into his own hands, Josh rolls off on a $15 skateboard from K-Mart circa 1988.

Someone please explain why the metamorphosis to a plant forces you to hold a fucking mug.

While our hero in Hush Puppies undoubtedly rolls off to get himself killed, we’ll take a quick moment to check in with the other fodder. Back in the church of Scientology, we finally see what became of Arnold as he stands in a pot, slowing growing into a plant while being watered by CCR. The best part of this idiocy is that not only is he a plant himself, but for some reason that I can’t possibly fathom, he’s holding a coffee cup which also has a plant growing out of it. Having learned of the new family in town, CCR decides to take her leave then to deliver a welcome pudding, setting up what has to be one of the most pointless scenes in the movie. She delivers it to the house, introducing herself to the mother just as is Holly is about to head down to the RV to tell Elliot to choose between her or his friends. She drops off the pudding, which is neither eaten nor dismissed as a threat, and then leaves, having learned NOTHING more than she had before she got there. But hey, at least that ate a good ten minutes of film time. Back at the church, Drew wanders in and eventually discovers Arnold’s predicament. He tries to drag his plant pal to freedom by the pot, escaping at glacier like speed. But before he can make it out the door, CCR returns and slaps Drew clear across the room and onto the bed. As punishment for trying to leave, she takes a chainsaw to Arnold, who simply giggles while she does it. Goddamn…I want 30 minutes of my life back.

Let's make this quick. I've got a duet with Barbara Steisand to get to.

With that distraction finished, we return to Josh as he sneaks into a building to find the townspeople listening to a sermon being belted out by a preacher that looks like the bastard lovechild of Barry Gibb and Rowdy Roddy Piper. And because you know how much kids love religion, Josh decides to sneak upstairs and get a closer look, peering down through a hole in the ceiling, about two feet directly above the preacher’s head as the fifth Bee Gee is giving a sermon on the evil meats that people consume, which consists of him naming off a bunch of random foods. Just then Josh’s skateboard falls down from the precarious perch that he left it on. As Josh looks up in surprise, a hand shoots up through the hole in the ceiling and grabs him by the face. He screams, but you can barely hear it above the roar of our laughter. With his cover blown, Josh is taken down to face the mob, who decides that the best course of action is to force-feed him what they call Nilbog ice cream, but what I can Dogsnot Soufflé. But before the goblins can stuff anything into his piehole, Josh’s father, whom has apparently woken up from his little siesta, hears Josh screaming and runs in to interrupt the assault of stupidity. After a couple of tense moments where the father wonders what the hell they were doing while Josh tries to explain to him that these people are actually goblins in disguise, Josh and his father slowly back out of the building like they’re trying not to get mauled by bears. But just to end an idiotic scene with the used diaper smell of the arbitrary, the father and Josh begin driving back to the house and pass by the RV, which for some reason is now about 200 yards down off the road, where they spot Holly arguing with Elliot. The father pulls down and demands that Holly come home. To try to salvage the one opportunity that he might have to get laid that doesn’t involve making the decision to spit or swallow, Elliot decides to join them, leaving behind Brent, the last friend.

It would have been much worse if that hand wasn't Palmolive soft.

Exhibit D: It’s Time To Party Like It’s 1988…And We Just Had Full Frontal Lobotomies

They all arrive back at the house moments later to find the mother is in the company of the entire fucking town. Seriously, how the fuck did all these people manage to make it back to the house before the family did? I realize that the RV has been steadily moving further and further from the road, but unless they had to enter some kind of fucking temporal nexus to get to it, this is preposterous. Regardless, the entire town has decided to throw a surprise welcome party, of course bringing a ton of green fucking food and drinks. The fifth Bee Gee is even there, desperately trying to convince them all to eat the food. But Joshua isn’t falling for anything and tries to warn his family that once they eat, they’ll all be killed horribly and hilariously. His warnings fall on deaf ears, however, as his father sends him straight to his room. Still not ready to let them be killed, no matter how much they all deserve it by now, Josh starts yelling into his mirror, begging for Grandpa Seth’s help. But instead of his face, CCR appears in the mirror for a quick moment before crashing through the glass in goblin form. Umm…okay. But just as that goblin is about to attack Josh, Grandpa Seth appears and chops one of its hands off with his Ghost Hatchet of Justice. Shrieking, the goblin flails itself back into the broken mirror, reforming it and coming out the other side, where CCR lands back in her home with a bloody stump where her hand should be. But this is nothing more than a temporary setback, as she shoves the stump into a fissure of the Stonehenge slab and repairs her hand, screaming the entire time.

Seriously, kid, fuck them all. You set the house on fire, I'll make sure that car doesn't catch fire.

Now that they’re alone, Grandpa Seth grins like an idiot for several awkward seconds before revealing to Josh his plan to save the family, which he doesn’t so much describe as simply suggest by pulling out a Molotov cocktail and a fire extinguisher. But just as the two of them go the house and try to ignite their plan, so to speak, the fifth Bee Gee snatches the Molotov cocktail away and banishes Grandpa Seth back to the netherworld using the power of Jesus. But before Seth goes, he throws his hand forward in desperation, the horrible animation of a lightning bolt flashes on screen, and the preacher suddenly erupts in flames. As he stumbles around, fully engulfed in flames and screaming in a horribly dubbed audio track that sounds like someone recorded a PA in the toilet at the tail end of Enchilada Night, Joshua looks around and confirms that Grandpa Seth is gone. I’m just kidding, by the way. There’s no way this movie had PA’s.

Hearing the explosive commotion, which I’m imaging would sound an awful lot like You Should Be Dancing, everyone begins to pile out of the house. The father uses the fire extinguisher to put out what is now the flaming corpse of the fifth Bee Gee, revealing him in his true goblin form. I guess he’s not… Stayin’ Alive. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!… ha… ha… cough… right, well this is about when the father demands to know what the hell’s going on. But rather than try to explain anything away or cover their tracks, the villagers instead all get pissed about the death of Barry Gibb’s bastard offspring, declaring it’s now the family’s turn to die. And they back up this incredibly ominous threat by standing perfectly still and doing fucking NOTHING while the family just slowly walks backwards through them all and finally running into the house. Sure, why not?

Once inside, the family presses their faces against the windows like autistic blowfish while the villagers turn on the headlights of their car, as I guess it’s fucking nighttime now for some reason. Sheriff Freak proclaims that they’ve got a bag of sandwiches there that will make things easier on the whole family, throwing the fucking bag at the front door of the house with all the grace of a blind gorilla having a fucking seizure. He explains that if they don’t eat the tasty sandwiches, the villagers will have no choice but to kill them violently. Say what you will, it’s pretty neighborly of them to have made sandwiches at this point, rather than just forcing them to eat fistfuls of green slop. Desperate to find a way out, the family finally decides that the best thing to do would be to hold a séance to summon Grandpa Seth.

Exhibit E: This Final Battle’s Not Bad, But It Could Use More Popcorn Fucking

While all this is going on, the movie stops to remind us that there is one last friend of Elliot’s that we have not seen meet with a grizzly demise. So with that in mind, CCR makes her bold and confusing final move, praying to Xenu for all her power, which basically just cures her of the scorching case of mouth herpes that she had been crippled with. Ready to infect an unsuspecting teenager, she travels into the night in search of some premature ejaculation. Meanwhile back in the RV, Brent is watching TV and likely wondering where the fuck everyone is when the TV starts to fuck up. It begins to clear up seconds later, showing him an image of CCR as she approaches the RV with…a cob of corn. She tells him to come outside and see that she’s real, so he does. Finding her exactly where she should be, he takes her back inside where she offers him the corn by shoving it in his face as they sink down into the makeshift bed. He nods, saying that he likes popcorn. She says that’s no problem, they just have to heat it up. And with that, they start to make out with the cob of corn between their mouths. And while this shit goes down, the sound of popcorn popping is heard while crew members throw handfuls of popcorn at them from out of frame. I don’t even know what to say about this. It confuses me on a logical and sexual level to a point that I can’t possibly describe it. Fuck, I need to take a shower.

Oh baby...my dick feels like corn.

Back at the house, they family is performing the séance while the goblins quite literally just stand around outside doing nothing. But calling forth the dead when you don’t really have any experience or direction how to do it isn’t as easy as you might think, so things aren’t exactly progressing as quickly as planned. To help everyone along, Joshua tells the family to “concentrate harder”. Concentrate on what, you ask? I would personally recommend the cover of Neil Diamond’s seminal album, 20 Diamond Hits. I swear the combination of piercing eyes, chest hair, and giant mane could not only summon apparitions on command, but also open a portal directly into the realm of love. But something must have worked, as seconds later the same piss poor animation of lightning flashes across the screen and suddenly Grandpa Seth begins to talk to them all. He declares that he will disappear forever after they destroy the magic stone which gives the goblins their power. He then tells Joshua to concentrate, who in turn puts his head down on the table and passes out. As the mother leans over to check on his, Josh is instantaneously replaced by a goblin, queuing a flood of other goblines into the house. Assuming that they must have been successful, the family abandons their ritual, fleeing upstairs and battling midgets as they go.

Someone get this chick some Valtrex, for God's sake.

We’ll leave them battling the tragically stumpy and instead follow along with Josh who wakes up leaning against an alter in CCR’s church of Scientology, where he prepares to settle the score once and for all. But before he can accomplish much of anything, he is attacked by, go figure, a goblin. But as that goblin tries to strangle Josh, Grandpa Seth shows up and slaps it away before handing Josh a special package, telling him that he can only take out the contents when he really needs it. I’ll tell you what Gramps, you tell me what the hell it is and I might have some context that would allow me to decide when it’s appropriate to use. Having passed on that powerful mystery item of doom, he leads Josh over to the slab of Stonehenge. They touch it, which somehow does something to start a chain of random events. Back at the RV, Brent wakes up in an ocean of popcorn, which is undoubtedly stuck together like caramel corn with cum being the substitute for caramel, just as CCR steps outside and sees her reflection in the sideview mirror and discovers a new outbreak of her scorching case of the herpes. She screams, and that scream travels all the way back to the farmhouse where the family is about to meet their end at the hands of their goblin attackers when they all simply disappear. And not only did her scream summon her goblins, but it also warped them all back to the church of Scientology where they all arrive just after Grandpa Seth disappears again for what is supposed to be the final time. Finding Josh right away, CCR and her goblin army snatch him away, once again ignoring an opportunity to simply kill him in favor of trying to feed him another bowl of green slop. Seeing as this could kind of be interpreted as a dire situation, Josh decides to deploy his secret weapon, delving into the package to produce, as he describes it, a “double-decker balony sandwich”. Stricken with horror and disbelief, seeing as even supernatural creatures realize that no one who has half a brain would actually eat bologna, the goblin horde offer no resistance while he takes chomp after chomp of the sandwich before running back to the stone wall and putting his hands on it once again. But just when it seems like an armada of monsters is about to be destroyed by a dim witted child alone, the family runs in to help, explaning that Grandpa Seth’s voice brought them there. Once they all put their hands on the stone, more shitty lightning flashes across the screen while Josh yells repeatedly for them to concentrate. And with that, the army of half-men begins to wither. CCR starts throwing up green shit, one of them has their eye burst for no reason, and the rest just fall thrashing on the floor with less enthusiasm than a clinical depressive wallowing in melancholy. But as the ordeal finally seems to come to an end, we are left with one final shot where the whole room appears to be empty of both goblins and the family.

Next thing you know, with absolutely no attempt to bridge of the gap whatsoever, we catch up to the family once again as their van pulls into their driveway. Looking like they were just gang raped by a centaur with penis extension, they sit for a moment in quiet reflection before the father declares that he needs to pass by the office. Because in comparison to the massive heap of garbage that they just experienced, paperwork is a fucking pleasure cruise for the soul. Likewise, Elliot and Holly decide to go to his place for no particular reason, leaving Josh and the mother alone at home. Once inside, the mother starts chomping on an apple before going for a shower while Josh goes to his room for a nap. But once he’s there, he hears ominous whispering that he can’t identify. Going to investigate, he returns downstairs just time for another ball to come bouncing downstairs behind him that says “Yummy! Mom is so good!” So I guess that means that a goblin is about to go down on his mom? Horrified at the thought, Josh runs back upstairs to find the shower filled with green shit before running back downstairs to discover that the apple the mother had been eating was filled with the same green shit that we’ve been staring at for the last 90 minutes. He finally turns a corner to discover what we all know is coming; his mother has turned into a green cake corpse with surprisingly conspicuous breasts which is being feasted upon by a group of goblins. Setting up what could be one of the strangest pornos I’ve ever seen, they ask Josh if he’d like a piece of the action. But before the cheesy 70′s music can kick in, the kid screams and the movie ends.

If her flesh turned to cake, did those implants turned to a jelly filling?

It occurred to me while watching what has to be the shortest list of credits in the history of cinema that we never did find out what happened to any of Elliot’s friends. Sure one of them was turning into a plant and being given a chainsaw makeover the last time we saw him, but the others were simply slapped onto a bed and fucked in a vat of popcorn respectively, neither of which are even close to being fatal. So for the sake of finality, lets just say that they opened an unsuccessful pet store together and spent the next two decades trying to sell kittens to goblins. There we go. Now I feel pretty good about this whole affair.

The Verdict:

Donkey: Troll II has achieved legendary status among those of us that love shitty movies, and with good reason. While I wouldn’t call it the greatest shitty movie of all time, as for the moment I would consider Gymkata to be the rightful owner of that title, this is a strong contender. As little as the plot makes sense, and as awesome as it is that it’s completely unrelated to the first film, probably the best part about it is the acting. It’s nearly impossible to describe and you simply MUST see it for yourself. The best way that I can describe it is by saying that the only way that you could reproduce this level of wooden, apathetic, and incompetent delivery would be to hold a kindergarten class at gunpoint and demand that they read your scripts under threat of setting fire to a box of puppies. It’s my sincere pleasure to give this shitfest five villains that are completely unrelated to trolls out of five popcorn orgies.

What We Learned:

Donkey: All those who have stood on both sides of the argument, claiming that homosexuality is either a choice or genetic trait, are wrong. People go queer after getting nailed in the junk, particularly if they sneak into their girlfriend’s room at night. So apparently I dodged a bullet when I was young and my older brother decided to kick me in the balls as hard as he could to test how much it actually hurt, or my passionate love of Tom Jones music is starting to make a lot more sense.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Big money and big prizes as we take a look at the Governator’s…THE RUNNING MAN.

Back To The Main Page.

Why would we fear the night if these were the good guys? Can't you even follow your own shitty logic?

Donkey: Of all the genres of movies, the one that I have the most mixed emotions about might be horror films. When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to watch horror movies and that was simply the end of the discussion. This was due to a combination of my parents’ natural attempts to shield their children from things that they thought would be too graphic until we were old enough to understand them, as well as my mother’s near complete dismissal of their value. If a movie is centered primarily around gore, she has no interest in it whatsoever. My father, on the other hand, didn’t quite feel the same way. He seemed to find the special effects required to create a particularly gruesome image a combination of fascinating and hilarious, and if there’s one thing about my father, it’s that he loves to share things that he thinks are hilarious regardless of whether or not you have the proper context. This is why if he rented a movie while my mother worked a night shift, we would wake us up and bring us down to the living room just to watch a particularly disgusting scene, only to laugh and send us right back to bed when it was over. So while I didn’t actually see A Nightmare On Elm Street III until I was around 26, I saw the scene where Freddy uses a kid’s veins to walk him around like a marionette when I was a kid and had never forgotten that image all through the years since.

Despite that glaringly inconsistent guarded approach, horror movies never really had much of an effect on me once I started watching them as a teenager, and I find that I have a love/hate relationship with them. Although there have been trends over the years in what style have been popular, like the teen slasher in the days of Scream or I Know What You Did Last Summer, or the Japanese horror films like The Ring and The Grudge, most horror movies seem to fall into one or two categories. They are either centered more on plot and psychological scares, where the unseen is more of a threat than what you can see, and then there’s the pornography of blood that comes when a movie is based almost entirely on gore and trying to make you throw up. Personally, I’m far more of a fan of the former than the latter. Few things in life scare me conceptually, but when they do, I usually will love them forever because of it. This week’s movie, Nightbreed, can’t be described by either of those two generalizations. It tries to be different. It tries to be thought provoking. And as you can probably gather from its appearance on this site, it fails miserably.

The Plot:

Donkey: Nightbreed is an odd little film to say the least. It’s the heartwarming tale of Aaron Boone, a serial killer who wishes that he could travel to a secret land of monsters, where all his sins would be forgiven and he could live out his life slashing and maiming to his heart’s content, I guess. It never really says much about that part. He’s tailed closely in his pursuit of this dream by a girlfriend who’s apparently got the lowest standards of any female in recorded human history, and a psychiatrist who has far more nefarious motives than any of them could imagine, unless any of them stopped and took the five required seconds to notice how goddamn creepy he is. But when Aaron actually finds the land of monsters, or the Nightbreed as they refer to themselves, will he find that the society that he’s leaving behind are the real monsters? No, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not spectacular shitheads, which I guess trumps being a monster. But really, everyone in this goddamn movie deserves to be buried up to their necks in dog shit and left to rot under the hot sun, so vilify whomever you want. Like this movie as a whole, it really doesn’t matter.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Donkey: As we soon discovered, nothing can prepare you for Clive Barker’s Nightbreed. Nothing except perhaps for the clips of the movie that they show while the title scrolls across the screen. With this kind of completely unnecessary recap coming before the movie has even started, I can only hope that Clive takes this bizarre choice even further and has a two minute recap for even twenty minutes of the film. That would actually probably help for those of us that are likely to be beaten into a coma by this blunt instrument of exhaustion of a movie.

Exhibit A: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go To Hell.

A man in the undies of a ten year old? Am I watching To Catch A Predator?

Our nightmare begins, very appropriately, with a nightmare. After dreaming of running through dark grasslands while being chased by snarling creatures in the dead of night, we are introduced to the film’s not-quite-hero, Aaron Boone, played by Craig Scheffer. That’s right, A River Runs Through It’s Craig Sheffer. I could hardly believe it myself. One could argue that Nightbreed actually earned this guy his role opposite of Brad Pitt in that film, but then I would have to insist that the role would have been equally deserved if he had won it out of a box of Count Chocula. Not that I’m inferring that he’s a bad actor, but this role is less of a vehicle to stardom than being the spokesman for NAMBLA. That being said, Boone snaps out of his rather tame dream to find himself in bed wearing tighty whities with his girlfriend, Lori, sitting over him. No wonder he’s having nightmares. If my balls were bundled up that tight, I’d probably spend an entire night dreaming that I was in the sterilizing grasp of The Testicular Cancer Anaconda. Seeing that her man has had another one of his nightmares, Lori suggests that the two of them get out of Calgary for a couple of days. I realize that most of you have probably never been to Calgary so you won’t appreciate the universal truth in that suggestion, be having been there myself, I couldn’t agree more. No matter what state your life is in, leaving Calgary couldn’t do anything up improve it. But why only leave for a couple of days? How about a couple of months? Perhaps I can interest you in a couple of decades? But barring a run from the desolate hellscape they find themselves in, she suggests that he go and see his shrink, a man named Decker.

I made Videodrome. It had James Woods in it. You're welcome.

But while Aaron journeys to that undoubtedly forgettable visit, the movie makes a quick detour into Murdertown, which I believe is a suburb of Calgary. A middle-aged couple ends up being slashed to death by a mysterious man in a mask who sneaks into their home and wreaks unholy vengeance, likely for forcing us to watch them make out at the beginning of the scene. But with that random bloodbath behind us, we finally catch up to Boone as he sits in the office of Decker, his psychiatrist played by the overrated director and exceptionally substandard actor, David Cronenberg. They discuss Boone’s recurring fantasy of returning to a place called Midian, a place where monsters go to have all their sins forgiven. Of course, the word ‘monsters’ can conjure up a lot of different imagery for people, ranging anywhere from the Wolfman to Grover, so let me clarify. Think My Pet Monster if he happened to like cutting himself while listening to Marilyn Manson and you start to get the idea. Decker assures Boone that Midian is an imaginary place like Candy Mountain or Kentucky, but murder is quite real. Unless you’re murdering fraggles, that is. Then it’s just hilarious. Decker then pulls out a set of pictures that the police brought to him. Apparently Aaron was describing these murder scenes in exact detail in previous sessions, which Decker thought was just a hallucination, but is now obviously very real. Aaron is understandably alerted – concerned, even – at the news that he’s probably a serial killer, so he asks Decker what to do. Decker hands him some unmarked pills, assuring Boone that he should take them and go confess to the police within twenty four hours.

Things don’t go according to plan, though, as we soon find Aaron wandering through the darkness of night in a haze, eventually ending up in a hospital where it’s discovered that the lithium that he thought he was taking was actually a high powered hallucinogen. Whoops. But if you’re going to sleep off a bad trip, what better place to do it than a hospital, right? Not quite. Aaron wakes up later in a bed to discover his roommate begging out their room’s window to no one in particular to take him to Midian. Well that’s an opportune coincidence, don’t you think? It turns out that this raving scab-eater whom we’ll refer to simply as Captain Hairline will be a rather pivotal character in Aaron’s shit custard of a journey. Aaron interrogates the chap, confirming that Midian is indeed a place where monsters go to take away their sins. When Aaron suggests that they go there together, Captain Hairline ends up under the false impression that Aaron has been sent to bring him there, which Aaron decides to roll with, saying that he would if only he knew where Midian was. Woudn’t you know it, it’s time once again for another amazing coincidence! Captain Hairline just happens to know exactly where it is, rambling out that the location is by Peace River. Armed with all the information that he needs to run headlong into a situation that he doesn’t really understand, Aaron tries to leave. Seeing him go, Captain Hairline comes to the conclusion that he obviously needs to prove his worth to earn his way into Midian by showing his true face. And to do this, he takes out two small blades and cuts off nearly his entire scalp in an attempt to rip his way down to that true face. Yeah, this Midian must be a great place. Sign me up. Recoiling in horror, Aaron backs off as nurses and doctors come running in. Not sure what to make of the psychopath that should, in theory, but a perfect representation of the society that he’s seeking to join, Boone turns to see Decker approaching the room and figures that it’s best to just run like hell.

What, wash this coif? Never. I'd sooner cut it all off in the most painful way you could dare me to.

And just to make this even more terrifying, this knife is infected with Hepatitis C.

Not convinced that the small sample of crazy that he’s already witnessed is quite enough proof that his plan is complete bullshit, Aaron ends up driving through the great Canadian wilderness. And to answer your question: he’s in a car at the time, not riding a yak. I know. Not what I expected either. His voyage comes to an end pretty quickly when he reaches a set of gates that he’s already seen many times in his dreams. He crosses through them to find a cemetery on the other side just as the sun begins to set. As one would naturally do after a long day of driving, Boone decides that now is an ideal time for a nap. Fuck yeah! What could possibly go wrong in the land of monsters…at night…in a cemetery? But even he couldn’t know the horrors that awaited him once the night unfolds. Smoke puffs out of a nearby vent in the ground which looks completely natural and in no way looks like someone just turned on a smoke machine to create ambience. Boone wakes to find himself face to face with the world’s most terrifying…puppy. I think it might be a pug, but I’m not sure. The terror! After making it out of that harrowing ordeal by shoo-ing the beast away, Boone wanders around and ends up finding the monsters that he was looking for. One looks like the result of Jay Leno convincing his banana mistress to get an abortion while the other looks like he could be the biggest star working in Japanese tentacle porn today. The two of them call Boone a regular human, denying his claims that deserves to be here because he’s killed people. They can smell innocence and conclude that whoever told him that he was a killer had lied. But rather than being overjoyed with the prospect of not being a brutal killer, Boone seems to pout at their proclamation. Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching the beginning of the video for Michael Jackson’s Bad, or even more awesomely, Weird Al’s Fat? You ain’t fat, Boone. You ain’t fat! However, being tempted by what could be considered virgin flesh in more way than one, the squid monster, whom we’ll call Chuck, decides to take a bite out of Aaron’s neck. Somehow surprised at the revelation of finding that monsters are aggressive, Aaron punches them both out and starts to run like hell. As he scrambles in a blind panic through the dark graveyard, Banana Leno decides to help Aaron to reach the gate before Chuck can finish making him an evening snack.

And yet, he's not a Bob Marley fan. Surprising, I know.

Even death can't stop the onset of hay fever.

But once he’s outside, things don’t get any better for Boone. As he wanders through the field outside of the graveyard, a bunch of car headlights suddenly blind him. Decker had apparently got the whereabouts of Midian from our good friend, Captain Hairline, and helped the cops to track Aaron down. As Decker comes forward to talk him down so that he can be arrested peacefully, Boone shares the revelation that he didn’t kill anyone. Showing his true colors of being the movie’s obvious douche bag, Decker tells Boone that he believes him just before he shouts back to the cops that Aaron has a gun. Apparently short on their quota of people that they’ve group-fucked with bullets this month, the cops immediately jump on the opportunity to open fire before Aaron makes the slightest move. The scene ends with a shot of the camera rising up into the sky while focusing on Aaron’s body, letting the full weight of his death sink into our hearts, ruined only slightly by the fact that the supposed corpse starts blinking about three seconds into the shot. Other than that, it’s INTENSE.

Exhibit B: Did We Say Monsters Were Scary? We Actually Meant Lovable!

At this point we found ourselves hoping that the movie was going to wrap up and actually turn out to be some shitty episode of Tales From The Crypt that someone released on video as a practical joke rather than a full length feature film, since Boone had found his much sought after land of mutant carnies only to be betrayed and murdered by his serial killer psychiatrist, Decker. But it is at this point that the movie decides to switch gears and turn it into an old fashioned game of ‘cat and mouse and fucking moron’. And our game begins when all the major players are brought into the Calgary police station. Aaron is being examined in the morgue while Lori is interviewed by Decker and a Detective Joyce, played by Hugh Quarshie or Captain Panaka from the Star Wars prequels as I will always know him. I’m not really sure why the hell a psychiatrist would be allowed to participate in a police investigation, but hey, why not?

So theoretically, would Boone have stayed dead if the coroner had just applied some rubbing alcohol to this wound?

From this point, the tale of Aaron Boone becomes about as palatable as a tire fire. Once the coroners leave their examination of his body for a moment, the bite wound that he received on his chest from the monster known as Chuck starts to pulse with light as he slowly begins to reanimate. Once he’s not quite alive again and finding himself with a powerful craving for rancid pork sandwiches, Aaron knows that there’s only one place to go. Once he manages to get back to the cemetery known as Midian, we find him entering its underground city with our favorite psychotic more in need of a toupee than Shatner, Captain Hairline. He and Aaron approach the resident monsters while Captain Hairline insists that there’s no other place on Earth that would take them in. I would have to agree. Not so much because of the undead thing mind you, but more from the fact that in this scene Aaron has decided to wear his leather jacket with no shirt underneath. If there’s anything that will earn you the well deserved title of social outcast faster than that, I don’t know what it is.

The two of us should hit a club after this and get crazy amounts of pussy.

Take it from me: when your parents check your Halloween treats for razor blades, they're not fucking around.

After being admitted into their city, Boone gets taken into a room where a bunch of monsters are gathered under the watchful eye of their leader, a monster that we’ll call Old Man Jenkins, mostly because I can’t be bothered to remember any of these useless shitheads’ names. There is a small amount of pomp and circumstance that takes place, or at least as much as there can be when you’re a city of genetic abortions living underground, before Aaron begins the process of joining them. He’s told that everything about his old life must be left behind, which at this point seems to serve no other purpose than to remind me that we don’t know a goddamn thing about his old life other than the fact that he had shitty taste in psychiatrists. But before he’s officially allowed into the club, Aaron must be judged by their god. Or in the more literal sense, he must stand still while Old Man Jenkins puts his hand in a bowl of boiling tapioca pudding until it glows golden. Then he places his glowing mitt on Aaron’s chest, leaving a palm mark. Aaron is scalded by it for a minute until it’s proclaimed that he’s officially allowed in the clubhouse. Elated at the news, all the monsters applaud his acceptance. Wait…clapping? Really? These bad ass monsters turned into a shitty glee club awfully fast.

And while Aaron is busy trying to work his way into the Loyal Fraternity of Sideshow Floor-sweepings, his girlfriend Lori is busy trying to locate his body every since it walked out of the morgue. Apparently a man that’s only two notches above a fourth grade drop out is so hard to find in Calgary that even if he’s an undead suspected serial killer, he’s still worth holding onto the herpes. As Lori takes to the road in an attempt to find Midian herself, she stops in a small town along the way. She ends up crying in the bathroom of a hotel bar where she meets a local skank named Cheryl, whom she bonds with instantly. The two of them end up doing the only thing that you can possibly do in some small godforsaken dump in the southern Alberta other than commit suicide: they get wasted. The next morning they meet up again in the same bar to fight off their hangovers when Cheryl reveals that she met a banker from Edmonton the night before, but since she won’t be meeting him again until that evening, she would be happy to drive Lori out to the fabled land of Midian. And moments later, that’s exactly where they arrive. Lori approaches the cemetery gates alone and crosses through them while the Cheryl cranks up some country music on the radio back at the car while smoking by a tree. But as she does her best to develop the lung cancer that will end this cursed existence, her new banker boyfriend rolls up in his vehicle to greet her, only to reveal that it’s the nefarious Decker.

It really stings when he gets it in your eye, huh?

I gotta tell you, I liked this thing more before it turned into a kid.

While her skank friend is most likely coming to a brutal end outside, Lori investigates the cemetery and comes across a bizarre cat monster lying in the sun. As it seems to be writhing in pain, Lori is beckoned by a strange woman who asks her to bring the monster over to her in a tomb. You know, for a secret goddamn society, these people are pretty fucking easy to find. Lori obliges and brings the monster into the tomb where it quickly turns into a young girl. After expressing gratitude, the mystery woman assures Lori that she knows why she’s come. But just as Lori asks if Aaron’s animated corpse had managed to make its way there, Old Man Jenkins wanders up into the tomb and puts an end to the conversation, declaring that the woman has already said too much. As Lori begs for answers, the monsters all wander down a staircase at the back of the tomb. But certainly not giving up now that she’s found this group of monsters so goddamn easily, Lori follows them down the staircase only to end up the darkness. There she runs into our old monster pal, Chuck. He gives her a proper scare with his bad manners, so she flees back to the surface and races back to the car. Apparently she was prepared to face monsters, but not prepared for them to be even the slightest bit scary. Well done. As she approaches the car, she finds Cheryl the Skank has been killed. And of course, she then runs into the now infamous masked killer who is waiting for her. Rather than maintaining any kind of mystery, the figure removes his mask to reveal his true identity to her. But then Decker let’s her go for some reason, so she hauls ass right back to the cemetery that she just came running out of. Realizing that maybe that wasn’t the brightest thing he’s ever done, Decker gives chase.

Hearing these events transpire from the secret city beneath the graveyard, Aaron vows that he will not just sit back and let Lori die. Despite the protests of his new monstrous brethren, Aaron refuses to relent and eventually goes as far as to begin kicking their asses until they let him go. He races up to the tombs with his faithful companion Captain Hairline nipping at his heels, and confronts his old shrink, Decker. They subdue him rather quickly, but then Aaron and he scalpless companion begin to argue about whether or not to take Decker’s balls, giving him a great opportunity to slip away. Naturally Aaron pursues him and does so while showing off his new undead monster form. In other words, as he’s running he becomes a slightly uglier version of himself. But as Aaron runs, Captain Hairline is left behind with the unconscious form of Lori. Apparently the Captain was a goddamn rapist in his natural life, as he straddles her right before she wakes up to see him hovering over her. Like anyone with any brain function above an overcooked carrot would do, Lori screams. And even though he’s closing in on his prey, when Aaron hears Lori cry out, he is forced to let Decker get away to come back and see if she’s okay. Once he arrives she has fainted again, leaving nothing more than Captain Hairline to stand and try to convince him that he wasn’t going to hurt her. What, this erection here? That’s nothing. I was going to offer that for her to use as leverage to help her off the ground then maybe for her to hang her purse on. Once Aaron is sure that Lori is safe, he returns to face the people that he disobeyed. Old Man Jenkins proclaims that he must take the girl and go, banishing Aaron back to the world of the “naturals”.

This is for all those hypnotherapy sessions where I woke up with that salty taste in the back of my throat while you were smoking a cigarette.

Meanwhile, having managed to get away from a situation that I’m not quite sure how he’d planned on walking away alive from in the first place, Decker wanders into a run down shack that couldn’t possibly pass for a gas station, even in southern Alberta. He borrows the phone and calls back to his secretary, whom arranges for Decker to meet with the cops at the closest station. Once he hangs up the phone, he has a quick conversation with the attendant who owns this hovel, asking about Midian. The man is apparently familiar with it, but has little interest in discussing it. When Decker leaves moments later, the dude seems frustrated to hear that Decker knows about Midian as he locks the front door. But of course just then he notices his back door is still open. As he goes to close it, Decker appears in his mask and cuts the dude’s hand off, before interrogating the dude about Midian and all its monsters, asking if they can die and how. It turns out that you can get the job done with bullets, fire, or various other things, depending on what type of monster it is. Before likely killing this random dude, possibly molesting his shoes, and leaving the scene, Decker declares that he’s here to destroy Aaron and the Nightbreed. It’s his destiny. If my life plan involved anything that astoundingly shitacular, I’d probably jump off the closest bridge.

Howdy, stranger. Welcome to the winner of Southern Alberta's Most Successful Business 1995!

Well I don't think I'll be touching any KFC for about a year...

Back at the aforementioned Midian, Lori wakes up in a casket in a room of bones. Wow. We couldn’t have picked a more dramatic place to leave her sleeping, could we? The strange woman and her daughter are there, and once Lori comes to, they reveal that she’s below the cemetery with the Nightbreed, a group of shapeshifters. The woman then complains that the world calls them monsters, but they do things like fly and turn into wolves and fog, all of which are things that all normal people would envy. To make more of a point than this random whining, the little girl then touches Lori and transfers a series of images into her mind, showing her a holocaust of freaks that is as gruesome as it is retarded. Lori snaps back out of the vision in tears, wanting to go see Aaron down in the Tabernacle, wherever the hell that is. The woman assures her that Lori can’t do that, saying that her entry is forbidden. Undaunted, Lori says, “we’ll see about that”. No sweetheart, I’m pretty sure it is. You can stomp your way down there, but I’m pretty sure that’s not going to stop them from making you face the consequences. That’s as stupid as saying, “A table saw will sever my penis if I try to have sex with it? We’ll just see about that…”. But despite her stubbornness being matched only by her glaring stupidity, Lori eventually begins to make her way down to see Aaron. On her journey through the underground city, she comes across a veritable freak show of monsters, the greatest of which is a thing that looks like a roasted chicken with a dude’s head in it’s stomach. What the fuck is that exactly, other than an image that will ruin many Christmas dinners for years to come? If these things are shapeshifters, does that mean that thing actually chose that shape? Eventually Lori comes across our good friend, the monster known as Chuck and his squid head of glory. He offers to make her one of the family, which I think he’s about to suggest can be accomplished through a series of elaborate blowjobs, before she runs away in horror. While this is going on, we see that Aaron has wandered into a room with some massive, fucking weird statue. What it is or what that means I have no idea, and the scene ends there.

Funny...I pegged them to be Catholics, myself.

As we come back to the situation a short while later, Lori’s journey continues as she stumbles into a room where Captain Hairline is dancing with a corpse. He tells her how Boone has now gone down to see the Beserkers, whatever the hell those are, warning her not to follow. Seeing as how good she is at listening, however, Lori continues on anyways. Eventually she comes to a point where a monster grabs her through a wall and pins her, where she would have likely met her end had another monster not come to her aid. She is eventually led down to see Aaron, who is still standing in the shadow of the massive statue. With that proper reunion, Aaron eventually leads her back up closer to the surface under the watchful eyes of the rest of the city. Once they finally make it back above ground, Lori begs Aaron to come with her back to the real world. Don’t even worry about that whole undead thing. I’m pretty sure that most of the night shift at Wal-Mart is comprised of zombies to save on overtime costs. Eventually, despite having finally made it to the city that he’s wanted to be in for so long and managing to be accepted into their ranks, Aaron agrees and the two of them leave the graveyard together.

Exhibit C: Sweet and Sour Jesus, Just Let It End.

Once he’s finished making love to the gas station attendant’s entire shoe collection, Decker finally arrives at the nearest police station where he meets up with Detective Joyce from the Calgary police and a local cop named Captain Eigerman. Decker announces to them both that Boone is still alive, hanging out in the cemetery that comprises Midian. Captain Eigerman, seeming rather unimpressed, says that he doesn’t need any of their help and can bring Boone in alone.

Behold, my terrible monster form which consists of shitty facial tattoos and glowing eyes! Horrifying!

The movie now switches over to a hotel where things get fairly bizarre. A random woman working the front desk yells for some dude named Arnie, before dropping something on the floor. She bends down to get it and when she comes back up to her feet, she finds what we can assume is Arnie’s head sitting on the counter. As she screams, Decker rises up behind her and stabs her. That seemed rather elaborate just to take out to random people working at a hotel, and there’s not a single thing about their death that seems to enable the rest of the scene. Elsewhere in that hotel, Aaron and his girlfriend go step into their room to make some amature pornography while Decker calls the cops from a phone outside. As Lori and Aaron look around their room to make sure that only their cameras will be capturing their freaky Steaming Cleveland session, she notices a strange hole in the wall that she peeks through to the next room. Something seems amiss, so Aaron goes into the next room to investigate, finding a group of brutally murdered hunters strewn about. He starts to transform into his monster form just as a SWAT team that Decker called for arrives. But then Aaron then suddenly takes a long lick at some blood before converting back to normal form just as the SWAT team breaks in. I guess steamingclevelands.com will have to wait a while longer for that new video.

I smell a buddy cop film...

Now that he’s been taken into custody, Aaron is hauled off to the local jail where Captain Eigerman gives him an exceptionally unimpressive beating that would likely do little more than inconvenience anyone other than an eight year old girl. It’s an exceptionally poor beating, and this is coming from someone who has seen A LOT of shitty fight scenes. Once Boone is left in his cell, Decker meets with the others back in the office where he declares that he’s going back out to Midian to rid it of the rest of the monsters. No one seems even remotely curious as to why a fucking psychiatrist is this involved with the entire thing, but instead Detective Joyce agrees, suggesting to Captain Eigerman that they go back out there. The Captain doesn’t argue, assigning a small group of men to head back out with Joyce. Meanwhile a doctor examines Boone and discovers that his pulse is as non-existent as his character development. And while I’m sure that’s a common ailment among the undead, I’m not really sure how he manages to have a rosy complexion without blood flow. Upon receiving the news, Captain Eigerman goes back into his office and starts screaming at Decker, asking him what the hell is going on. And just to add to the random quagmire that we find ourselves bogged in, a priest in the next cell tells Boone tells him that they’ll find a way to kill him, that he’s an abomination, and that he must die.While I don’t necessarily disagree with you, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

To take a break from this insanity and instead plunge into complete madness, we catch up to the group of cops that arrive at the Midian graveyard with Detective Joyce. They bust into a tomb and find one of the monsters, whom again is not particularly well hidden. They pull him out into the light, which causes him to turn to ash as the cops begin to beat him for no reason. His skin begins to bubble and then, just to kick the awesomeness up a few notches for no reason whatsoever, he FUCKING EXPLODES, much like the Dr Pepper that erupts from my mouth when that bullshit happens. Detective Joyce somehow figures it was the sun who did managed to kill this random monster. Passing out high fives over the job well done, moments later the cops reemerge from the cemetery to discover that their car has been torched. This was apparently the work of Captain Hairline and the old monster woman, who hastily speed into town in a car of their own. I’m not really sure what use a car is to a secret, subterranean society of monsters, but we’ll just go with it. Back at the police station, Captain Eigerman gets a call from his men about the torched car and grabs the priest out of the jail cell next to Boone, telling him that he’s needed.

Exhibit D: No, Seriously…End This. Please.

As the movie transitions to the town outside of the police station, suddenly we see that the whole town is forming a pose, arming themselves with a massive artillery. Apparently Clive Barker has never actually been to Canada. There aren’t that many guns in the entire country, let alone that town. As the ramble heads off to lynch them so freaks, Captain Hairline, the old woman, and Lori break into the jail to spring Aaron. They dispose of the guards rather quickly, just before Lori gets into Aaron’s cell and they start making out. Not just sharing a tender kiss, but seriously making out. As much as I appreciate that attempt at making me throw up, there’s more important shit going on right now, people. Might want to save that for later when she can actually find out that a lack of a heartbeat and zero blood flow should mean that Aaron is incapable of rising to the occasion, if you know what I mean.

Seriously, how hard is it to get laid in Calgary that this is your best option?

Once the pose makes its way out to Midian, they begin to spread gasoline and lay fuses. While all this is going on, Detective Joyce happens to peek into Decker’s bag and find the mask of the serial killer. But before he can alert anyone with his discovery, Decker quietly kills him in all the commotion. The pose finally sets off their grand explosion, which in turn begins to wreak havoc on the city below, which turns out to be more distasterous than anyone could imagine. Suddenly the ground begins to open, exposing the city to the surface. As monsters scramble everywhere to avoid a flaming death, Old Man Jenkins implores his panicked horde to stay, arguing that this is their home. Just then Aaron rushes in and says no, it’s time for them all to fight. And as if to queue some kind of bloody Benny Hill sketch, at this point things go completely nuts. While all kinds of shit is exploding and collapsing around them, the pose of cops and anal raping rednecks begins to shoot and kill monsters with wild abandon as all kinds of random fights errupt. There’s even a cop with a goddamn flame thrower running around. A flamethrower? Are you kidding me? What fucking police force has a goddamn flamethrower? Overcome by the wholesale slaughter, the priest tries to beg Captain Eigerman to stop the madness. Instead Eigerman almost kills the priest.

Canada's answer to crowd control.

As his people are being killed in mass numbers, Boone makes his way downstairs to find Old Man Jenkins again. Boone pleads for him to release the beserkers, which OMJ finally agrees to after conceding that his people aren’t warriors. What? Saying that they aren’t evil creatures who are out to terrorize the world is one thing, but don’t tell me these assholes can’t fight. This isn’t a goddamn preschool their running. And just to throw in another branch on this tree of bullshit, we see the priest make his way downstairs as well. where he gets the same bowl of boiling tapioca that Boone faced earlier in the film splashed onto his face, mutating him as he screams in agony. But as we turn away from the random character that we’ve only known for ten minutes and know nothing about, we turn back to Old Man Jenkins as he gets shot just before he can release the beserkers. But all is not lost as Aaron arrives to finish the job. As was suggested would be the case. The beserkers rush out and the tide of the battle begins to change. Now that they’re faced with real monsters, the humans begin to flee, much to the chagrin of Captain Eigerman, who starts to call them all cowards before trying to shoot his own men with an empty gun. As his tirade continues with him swearing that he’ll kill them all while demanding someone hand him a gun, the scene ends with one last punch to the balls as some random dude shoots a fucking rocket launcher at the attacking beserkers. Wow.

To lead my people in my holy name, you must stay celibate. Ha, just kidding! That would be retarded!

Back underneath all the fighting, Chuck takes Lori into a room with a bunch of shitty paintings on a wall, saying the the prophecy is true. Apparently Boone was supposed to be their savior, but instead Chuck insists that he’s their destroyer. It’s a little later for pathetic attempts at character development now, don’t you think? But while that’s happening, Decker and Boone find one another and begin their ultimate showdown on a rickety rope bridge, naturally. This might seem dramatic until you take even two seconds to remember that Boone is already dead, so by all means of logic this should be shortest fight on record. It’s not like Decker can kill him, which is proven at the end of the fight when Boone takes a machete through the chest without being so much as dropped to his knees. Seeing his opportunity to kill his opponent and share an awkward moment, Aaron grabs Decker and hugs him close, impaling Decker on the knife in his chest. Once the battle is over, Lori runs up and pulls the knife out for Boone, just as something calls his name. Lori asks him not to go, but Aaron says that he must as he’s responsible for all of this. He goes back down to the big fucking statue that he found earlier in the movie to find people waiting there. As he walks up to it, it comes alive and holds him, telling him that he’s destroyed their refuge, but that was inevitable. Boone must now build the monsters a new home to make up for the one he destroyed. The voice then says the Boone must find him, heal him, save him from his enemies before declaring that he’s no longer Boone, but is now called Cabal. Boone, Cabal, or Fuckwad – whichever you prefer to call him – is then dropped with the phrase echoing in his head, telling him to save the statue from his enemies. With that finished, the remaining monsters all leave as the place continues to explode and collapse. I understand the initial explosions, but what’s causing all these goddamn fires? Did they have a goddamn oil refinery under that cemetery? But finally, once the monsters have gotten a safe distance away, the whole thing goes up in one massive explosion.

This is my reaction when I think of a possible sequel too.

The movie ends with all the surviving Nightbreed in a barn somewhere in the night. Before leaving for destinations unknown, Cabal asks Captain Hairline how he’ll find him again. The Captain assures him that Cabal will find him, and that he’ll need him. I’m not really sure what for, other than as a grim reminder to shampoo and condition his hair on a regular basis, but I’m beyond asking questions at this point. But before the final curtain drops, the movie takes us back to the burning rubble of Midian where we find the deformed priest talking to the body of Decker. He says that he saw the monster god and that it burned him. Now he wants to burn it back. The priest reaches in and puts some of that same boiling tapioca into Decker’s body which, after a breif moment, causes him to reanimate. And with his scream, the movie ends. WHAT?

The Verdict:

Donkey: This movie is complete ass. I’ve had fever induced nightmares of being caught stealing a horde of pirate’s gold away from my high school gym teacher while he does push ups in a tub of coleslaw that make more goddamn sense than this movie. I’ve read different sites and message boards on the net, so I realize that there’s a large subsection of people out there that really like this film, but for the life of me, I can’t understand why. I have to assume that the book is much better than the movie, which I’ll grant is usually the case. But the movie misses the mark completely. I understand the whole “the monsters are actually good and it’s people that are really the douche bags” idea, but it’s just done so poorly here. If you’re going to try to make the monsters the sympathetic characters, then step one is to actually make them sympathetic. Not a single ‘monster’ in this movie does anything more heart warming than not killing someone, and if that’s the bar that you set for decency, then I’m goddamn Mother Theresa. No one shows this better than our good friend Captain Hairline. He’s a man so psychotic that he cuts off his own scalp at the beginning of the movie in an attempt to rip his entire face off, and once he’s established as a ‘good guy’, he instead does shit like dancing with a corpse to show that he’s not actually any different than we had thought. Yeah, he’s a regular Edward Scissorhands. Granted the humans in this movie are bigger fucksticks than the monsters, but that doesn’t exactly make anyone on either side endearing. It just means that a bunch of assholes that I don’t care about are killing each other. And as much as I could say that this movie might have been a good concept that was simply executed poorly, that wouldn’t be a problem if it just held to most basic quality of any movie and was actually entertaining. But goddamn it, this movie is boring. Watching it again just to write this review was goddamn painful. Not TMNT III painful, but painful nonetheless. Therefore I’ve got no choice but to give this movie half a scalpless wonder out of five complete wastes of my time.

What We Learned:

Donkey: If you think something is under your bed when you hear that bump in the night, fear not. Chances are that even though it’s likely some asshole who was willing to face the pain of cutting his own face off to gain access to a secret society of monsters, he’ll cry and run if there’s a hillbilly nearby.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: our most ambitious undertaking to date as we pit our throwing star skills against all five iterations of THE AMERICAN NINJA QUINTILOGY.

Back To The Main Page.

I'm willing to give them a mulligan on the 'Alien' on the left, as that's sort of the way it looks in the movie if you've been huffing glue, but that 'Hunter' on the right isn't even close.

Donkey: Like many things in life, expectations can be a blessing or a curse. While providing a standard of quality that some aspire to achieve, they can also act as landmines, waiting to shred those who afford them too little respect into a bitter fondue of failure. After being made into a fairly successful comic book series years before its release, the first Alien Vs Predator movie was the object of a moderate amount of anticipation, and in turn, expectations. While it did quite well at the box office, and was even deemed successful enough to have warranted a sequel, it was heavily criticized and considered by some to be a disappointment. Enter the Asylum and their version, Alien Vs Hunter. This is where the movies that they produce thrive. They have no such constraints, no bars of quality to volley over, as the only people who would possibly be stupid enough to actually anticipate them are the three men involved with this website. And since they bask in this monumental lack of standards, anything short of quite literally lighting your film’s budget on fire and going home with no product to speak of can be considered a success. After witnessing Alien Vs Hunter, however, I honestly think they should have just piled up that cash and struck a match.

The Plot:

Donkey: Fuck me with a rusty tire iron if I know. Honestly, to say that this movie even has a plot is akin to saying that Intelligent Design is in any way, shape, or form actually associated with intelligence. The badly neglected story that this movie throws up onto the screen can only be described in an outline of its most basic terms, as deeper pondering will only result in a psychological form of ‘the bends’ called ‘AVHemorrhaging’, whose symptoms include comas, flash-undergarment-flooding, and permanent paralysis of the lower jaw. So I will attempt to spit this out as fast as possible before succumbing to these depths of despair and smashing my head into the keyboard in front of me:

One sunny morning, an alien arrives on Earth. From where did it come, why did it crash here, and how did it manage to reach US soil without a single government agency noticing? The movie doesn’t really give enough of a shit to tell us, so I suggest that you follow its lead and keep your mind focused on the task at hand. Its ship wipes out near a small town where it soon encounters the local human populace, or more specifically, a combination of their semi-literate journalists and semi-house-trained hillbillies. Immediately upon the alien’s discovery, a vicious cycle of despair begins: a human dies, so they all gather and try to figure out what to do. They explore the woods and someone else dies, so they immediately flee underground. Someone else dies, so they come back up to the woods. Someone else dies, so they go back underground, where someone else dies, so they come back up to the woods. Lather, rinse, repeat. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, the humans discover that an intergalactic hunter has also come to the Earth in pursuit of the alien. However, it spends far more time trying to kill the humans than it does the alien, so the entire premise behind the Alien Vs Hunter title is pretty much traded away faster than a Rolex in the hands of a crack addict. Finally, one of the humans manages to overcome his incredible burden of extreme stupidity and kill the alien. Witnessing this, the hunter fucks off for no foreseeable reason and the town’s decimated population of three people rejoices. And that’s the end of the……..shit……..too late……..everything going dark……..tell your mom I love her…kjnkilasgtfubuosajsgipoooooooooooo…

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: Our third Asylum experience, Alien Vs Hunter.

Donkey: Featuring William Katt, the dude from The Greatest American Hero, playing Lee, the main character.

Milobar: I don’t even know who, or what, the fuck that is. Nor do I care.

Donkey: It was a show in the 80′s that I can’t actually remember a single thing about, save an unpleasantly tight red outfit. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a full episode. I just know it’s his claim to ‘fame’.

Milobar: I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that this movie is his claim to ‘shame’. The movie begins with Lee running up a hill with his iPod on, so he of course doesn’t notice the fireball that goes shooting by behind him to crash nearby. A very poignant commentary on the iPod generation. Who knew an Asylum film could be so deep?

I am woman, hear me roar...

Donkey: I don’t care if that iPod is blasting Iron Maiden’s Run To The Hills at its highest volume level, that’s the kind of shit that you’re going to have to notice. It would be one thing if that was sailing through the sky miles away, off in the distant horizon, but that flaming atrocity ends up crashing not too far away from him. I’m imagining the ground is going to shake a little bit.

Milobar: Fuck that, I’m pretty sure this dude makes a habit out of ignoring attention grabbing catastrophic events since he’s running up the middle of a highway. This motherfucker is so extreme he doesn’t even want to be able to hear the high speed traffic before it slams in to him.

Donkey: Especially since the first vehicle that enters the scene drives up behind him and the dumb ass doesn’t even notice. If that car had come speeding around the corner and didn’t see him there, this might have been a mercifully short film.

Milobar: Even though the vehicle doesn’t have any Police logos or Police lights on it, the guy driving has what could be loosely described as a Police uniform on, so I guess it’s supposed to be a Police cruiser.

Donkey: It’s just a dude in a costume that they obviously rented, riding in an SUV that they convinced someone to bring to the set. Actually, I’m willing to bet that’s how this guy got the part of Sheriff Armstrong. He had a car and he was willing to drive it around in a couple of scenes for free. We hear the sound of sirens as this vehicle approaches, and yet there are no sirens anywhere to be found on that vehicle. Once the sheriff gets his attention, he repeatedly asks Lee to join him, which seems kind of odd. It’s not often that you see cops begging reporters to accompany when they’re on their way to the scene of an incident.

Milobar: “Come on, reporter guy! Come with me and write this story and you’ll get the Pulitzer Prize for sure! I’m a small town sheriff, so you can trust that I’m sitting on the board that decides who to hand out the award to.” But in the end, it’s doughnuts that convince Lee to come along, and he makes an almost believable production of how DELICIOUS THESE DOUGHNUTS LOOK!

Donkey: After driving further up the hill, and I’m imagining avoiding uncomfortable silence by mutually recounting stories about picking up and exposing their penis to hitchhikers, they pull up next to an RV, which appears to be nothing more than an average sized motor-home. But this white trash estate hides a desperate secret.

Milobar: As Lee walks around behind the motor-home, he sees what the fireball was at the beginning of the movie; an alien spaceship that has crashed kind of behind the motor-home. So this average sized motor-home managed to hide this entire alien spaceship.

Look where? Flaming wreckage where? Directly ahead of me? Seriously?

Donkey: That’s pretty impressive when you account for the fact that the alien ship is smoking, with sparks shooting out, and there are exploding noises every few moments.

Milobar: How the hell do you not notice that thing? An alien emerges from the wreckage to attack the cop while Lee flees for his life. The Asylum won’t let you see what’s going on, of course, because they can’t afford any kind of special effects.

Donkey: This is the first time that we see the alien of the Alien Vs Hunter duo, and it looks absolutely glorious. We are treated to blurry, extreme close up shots of the sheriff as he quickly abandons the ‘shoot-this-fucker-in-the-face’ tactic in favor of the much more effective ‘cower-and-whimper’ technique, as he is either eaten or sexually molested by the alien. It’s kind of hard to tell which.

Milobar: While the sheriff is being molesteaten Lee is ducking down in the driver’s seat of the police car and screaming “ooooooooohhhhhhhh!”.

Donkey: I’m not exactly a method actor myself, but this looks more like he’s blowing a load into his pants than like he’s terrified of something.

Milobar: The alien, fearful that William Katt’s inability to act is contagious, quickly disappears.

Donkey: Apparently this alien is considerate enough to not kill reporters. Or he’s decided to discreetly watch one masturbate. Suddenly, Tammy, a random black chick, runs up and bangs on Lee’s window only a few seconds later. How the fuck she got right up to the window like that without seeing the sizable fucking alien that was chewing on the sheriff’s taint a few feet away just seconds ago is beyond logical description, so we just won’t think about that.

Milobar: That’s awesome. The audio in this scene is not dubbed correctly. Tammy’s freaking out at the window of the vehicle and Lee starts spouting off half formed sentences: “You scared me… I was just sitting in my car… ” What? No you weren’t. You were cowering from a goddamn alien that just eatfucked the town sheriff!

Donkey: And it’s not your car either, Greatest American Liar. It’s the cop’s. After a couple of minutes of spitting nonsense at each other, Lee and Tammy escape on foot and we see a severed hand on the hood of the car. I guess that’s supposed to be the sheriff’s hand. Either that or he had one of the most fucked up hood ornaments I’ve ever seen.

Milobar: That whole conversation between the two of them didn’t make any sense at all, much like our choice to watch this piece of shit. And suddenly they’re in a house, which I am going to assume belongs to Lee.

Donkey: So even though the alien was killing someone right in front of them only moments before they decided to go on a little sojourn back to town, they actually managed to somehow escape and make it all the way back here to Lee’s house unscathed? Did they find the lost city of Atlantis or perhaps the body of Jimmy Hoffa along the way? Because that’s just as fucking likely.

Milobar: In an attempt to handle this crisis, Lee starts assembling what appears to be the writing staff of this small town’s newspaper. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? What are they going to do? Throw the weekly jumble at it?

Donkey: While Lee is on the phone in the other room, summoning the Super Friends to their office, Tammy is busy cleaning herself up in the bathroom. She pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of the trash can, which is apparently a rejection letter from a publishing company in response to a pop-up book or some shit that Lee had sent in. Say what you will about character development, but that just doesn’t seem even remotely noteworthy or relevant at this point in time. I can’t see trying to pull myself together in a bathroom, thinking, “fuck…hold it together, Big Shooter…sure, you just witnessed an extra-terrestrial sexual assault, but you’re still cool…oh hey, what’s this random piece of paper in the garbage all about? An unrelated rejection form-letter? Now this is just what I need at this precise moment in time! SHAZAM!”

As the Greatest American Clump of DickTartar finishes his phone call, Tammy joins him and they enter into yet another incredibly baffling and unmotivated argument, where she even goes as far as to call him a miserable failure in life. This seems like it got unnecessarily harsh at an insanely fast rate.

Milobar: Tammy insists she is not going back outside, but when Lee decides to leave on his own, she frantically screams she won’t stay inside without him. What? Make up your goddamn mind.

Perhaps strapping your camera to a pony while walking him around wasn't such a good idea.

Donkey: As Lee and Tammy start the long trek into town to meet at the newspaper office, we’re given a visual feast. The framing in a bunch of these shots is outstanding. Everything above their eyebrows is cut off completely. Sometimes you can’t even see their eyes. You just see from their nose down to their junk. I know I speak for Blombo when I say invest in a tripod, people.

Milobar: In typical Asylum fashion, these characters go from screaming at one another incoherently and hating each other, to acting like best buddies who’ve known each other for years, in about twelve seconds.

Donkey: This is just continuing to solidify the only constant in this movie, as nothing in any of the conversations so far has made any sense. I have no idea what the fuck these people are talking about. Moments later they decide that the best thing to do with a killer alien running around on the loose is to sit down and have a random heart to heart.

Milobar: After sharing some heartfelt stories about their childhood Pog collections, they notice a truck that’s driving past. They excitedly try to get the attention of the driver when suddenly…OH NO! The alien comes out of nowhere and body checks the truck into the woods!

Hey buddy! Can you spare a dollar? I need to buy legs that actually touch the ground!

Donkey: There are so many great things about this scene. But the real beauty is in the way that they put this mess together, making a visual shit heap look even worse. There’s a shot of the back of Lee and Tammy’s heads as they are looking on, trying to flag down the truck. Then there’s a separate shot of the alien darting across the road and attacking the vehicle, and then it cuts to a shot of the Lee and Tammy reacting to what they’re seeing (without being able to see what they’re looking at). Separating out the only part with the special effect so that it’s entirely on its own does two things, neither of which are good. First, it seems very, very low rent not to have the characters in the same scene, clearly showing them and what’s going on at the same time, because at that point you could have inserted anything. You could have stuck in a clip of Chuck Norris combing his beard while simultaneously playing a stand-up bass and killing a terrorist with his feet. It really wouldn’t matter. And second, having the special effect separate like that only serves to highlight it and make you pay particular attention to what you’re seeing, which is not good if it looks like a hot pile of camel dicks.

Milobar: What the fuck? Did they just magically teleport themselves to the newspaper office?

Donkey: So that’s twice now where they’ve been standing out in the goddamn open when the alien has made an appearance and then walked away just fine. But now that all the Super Friends are gathered at the newspaper office, they begin to argue over the matter at hand.

Milobar: Everyone seems to want to go to Valentine’s to use the satellite radio.

Donkey: But they can’t go there because Valentine hates Lee. Who can blame him?

Milobar: The requisite stoner dude seems to be the only character in this movie that isn’t fucking insane, since he’s the only one suggesting that they just leave town. I’ll tell you that’s exactly what I would do. Fuck aliens. Fuck the newspaper office. Fuck this town of inbred yokels. I’m getting on a goddamn motorcycle and getting the hell out of here.

Donkey: They move on to discuss who has died and who might be dead. They keep throwing out a bunch of names like it should mean something, but we have no idea who they’re talking about. What the fuck is going on? And how do they know what’s happened to these people? So far there have only been two sightings of an alien, both made by Lee and Tammy. Yet they keep making it sound like there have been catastrophic events throughout the entire town that have killed most of them. What the fuck are they talking about?

Milobar: When this movie started I would estimate it was supposed to be about 8 am, now it’s maybe 2 pm, so it’s not like a lot of time has passed. What the hell happened in this town and when?

This guy is like the herpes. He'll never truly go away.

Donkey: After arguing in circles with no resolution, the group decides to go as a collective and check out what happened to some dude named Garrison, who’s played by our favorite Asylum actor. Apparently he was the one driving the SUV that was knocked off the road moments ago. It skips to them walking through the woods when they find him just laying on the ground. Fuck, hold on. He was in a goddamn vehicle that had been attacked, he ended up just lying out in the open, and he hasn’t been killed? WHY!? Does the alien just really fucking hate Ford trucks?

Milobar: How the hell did they even find him? Hey you, yeah YOU, the guy we just found passed out on the ground. Where’s Scott? Answer our questions or so help me I’ll beat you into unconsciousness. At this point, I honestly wonder if they had any dialogue in the script or if this is just all ad-libbed.

Donkey: One of the members of the group, a woman named Marcy, takes Lee aside and starts making a lot of ridiculous assumptions. Garrison is alive, therefore Scott must be alive, and Joel, and…WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Milobar: Yes, I’m fairly certain there is someone, somewhere named Joel who is alive. But, fortunately for people named Joel, there’s no Joel anywhere in this movie honey.

Donkey: She then starts insinuating that Lee is making this whole thing about an alien up, complaining that he was the one who called her and woke her up with this crazy story. Really? He woke you up in the middle of the afternoon? How long was this chick sleeping?

Milobar: Apparently she was sleeping off a hard night of booze and roofies.

But seriously, if there is an alien running around in these woods, then let me be yanked away from above and carried off to my death. See? No alien.

Donkey: The alien isn’t without a sense of irony, however, as this Marcy chick gets snatched up right as she’s finished her little speech accusing Lee of fabricating the entire story. She gets pulled into the air randomly, and even though we can’t see what the hell just pulled her up, there are alien sounds in the background so I guess that’s good enough.

Milobar: Everyone scatters in to the woods and they all end up just wandering around, looking up into the branches, waiting for death to descend from above.

Donkey: The movie then shows a shot of the alien, just hanging out behind a tree, waiting for a chance to sell these people some hemp necklaces and filthy ponchos.

Milobar: I don’t understand why this alien is ducking and weaving behind trees. It’s larger than all of these people put together. It could pounce and kill them all instantaneously. None of these people have any weapons and the only thing imposing about them in any way is their lack of acting talent.

Donkey: After wandering around for a few minutes and accomplishing nothing, the Super Friends randomly decide to regroup, combine their powers, and accomplish a whole lot more nothing. Suddenly they turn to discover the alien is exactly two feet behind them.

Milobar: It’s getting ready to rush them and th-I’MA CHARGIN MAH LAZAH!

Ahoy! I need five stout men to work the bellows.

Donkey: Where ever did that laser blast come from? Alas, it’s the first appearance of The hunter.

Milobar: That codpiece is serious business.

Donkey: This metallic humanoid shaped character with a giant mushroom hat is apparently the alien’s nemesis.

Milobar: Whose ‘hunter vision’ basically looks like playing a fucking Virtual Boy.

Donkey: It’s red, very narrow in scope, and very grainy. And now they’re back at the office. WHAT? HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET BACK THERE AGAIN? Now Lee is having another heart to heart, this time with Hilary, whom we will later discover is his dysfunctional love interest, and again we have no fucking idea what they’re talking about.

Milobar: I have no idea who any of these people are, and, at this point, have no intention of finding out.

Donkey: Fuck no. The characters in this movie haven’t even properly introduced themselves, let alone all these other goddamn people that they keep talking about. As they’re all sitting around, Figgus the stoner pipes up and says that he has three ATVs at his house and that they should go and get them. Then another dude says, “I’ve got a Honda”.

Milobar: Okay. Thanks for adding that. A Honda what? Motor boat?

Donkey: It’s an ’89 Civic hatchback. It’ll haul ass through the woods like nothing else.

Milobar: Well I’ve got a Datsun. Great, if we could just convince the alien to get in and drive it somewhere, the problem will take care of itself when it randomly bursts into flames.

Donkey: As they once again begin arguing about what they should do, Garrison suggests that they “have to fortify the compound”. What fucking compound?!

Milobar: Does he mean the newspaper office?

Donkey: But despite all these perfectly reasoned diatribes, Lee is adamant that they have to go to Valentine’s. And we still have no fucking idea who this Valentine is.

Milobar: Garrison insists that they need to get to a working phone so he can call his wife, but refuses to go outside. I wish just one of these morons could make up their goddamn mind. Lee decides on a compromise and they set off for Valentine’s through… the catacombs? Dude, I think this movie just gave me an aneurysm.

AVH Drinking Game: count how many times they walk around the corner with that pipe running down it. You'll be hammered in ten minutes.

Donkey: Where the fuck are they now? In the ancient Egyptian burial chambers under the goddamn office? This is fucking ridiculous.

Milobar: I guess there’s some kind of caverns underneath the town that lead to the local lake. That makes perfect sense! Every town has those.

Donkey: This seems like a pretty fucking big thing to have in a small town. I can’t see any reason why they would have built this shit. And I love how Garrison keeps saying that he’s got to get to a phone to call his wife. Doesn’t that seem like a pretty big presumption, that she’s sitting by a working phone?

Milobar: I’ve got to call my wife to tell her that I forgot to set the TiVo to record Desperate Housewives. She’s gonna kill me!

Donkey: We’re forced to watch these assholes wander through tunnels for ten fucking minutes with nothing happening.

Milobar: Eventually one them notices that the alien is down in the tunnels with them. Maybe if they had taken ten seconds to think this plan through they would have realized being in an enclosed space would severely hamper their ability to avoid alien love.

Donkey: Javier, the proud owner of the Honda, is apparently cornered and killed by the alien a few moments later, while the rest of the characters simply move on without the slightest bit of remorse.

Milobar: But of course we don’t get to see the alien kill anybody. Just a shot of what is supposed to be him eating, or more likely humping, a corpse.

Donkey: This is the best part of this whole scene. We see an overhead shot as they appear to emerge from the underground tunnel system. But for the very next shot, the camera is facing them and you can see that they actually just walked out of a huge drainage culvert that is only about fifteen feet long, as you can clearly see the grass on the other side. So to simulate walking out of a tunnel system, they just walked through an underpass that goes under a goddamn road. THAT’S NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE.

The only way this could be better is if this shot was of them walking out of the front doors of a Safeway.

Milobar: All they had to do was hang a fucking black sheet at the other end of the culvert so that it would look like they came out of a tunnel. But instead we can see that they came from fucking nowhere. This is what makes a great shitty movie folks, they make no apologies for the lack of budget, acting ability, or direction.

Donkey: The movie transitions to show them arriving at Valentine’s house, which is apparently just a goddamn barn. Our group of heroes are about as excited as I would be to go anywhere near a place that looks like this incest factory, as they stand at quite a distance and yell for Valentine’s attention.

Milobar: Valentine appears on the roof and, in typical living in a barn asshat fashion, uses something to reflect sunlight into the eyes of the people standing on the ground for no reason.

Pictured above: a fine mustache using a hillbilly cell phone.

Donkey: As they plead their case for his assistance, Hilary starts listing off a bunch of people who are dead, and we still have no idea who she’s talking about. Valentine’s response? He raises a rifle and shoots in their general direction. Fuck, this guy is sweet. I love hillbillies. Almost as much as I love how he was blinding them not with a mirror, but just a metallic reflective surface. That’s not that goddamn bright.

Milobar: Oh, my eyes! Mild discomfort! This is worse than be eaten by the alien!

Donkey: Valentine eventually lets them in and asks what the issue is, as apparently he’s the only person in this town that doesn’t know that everyone else is dead. As Hilary begins recounting their tale, she says that there’s something out there. Some animal or something.

Milobar: Stoner dude emerges from his self induced haze to state: it’s an alien that crawls on the roof and looks like a spider on steroids.

Donkey: Thank you, Figgus. That’s only the second intelligent comment in the entire film.

Milobar: He’s the only person in this movie that has mentioned what’s going on at all. Everybody else is just running in circles and screaming at each other.

Donkey: They continue to describe the issue and again, they’re talking about people who we’ve never seen or heard from. Seriously, none of these conversations are making any goddamn sense. But just a moment later, the movie turns away from the Super Friends and we see the hunter, strolling around out in the woods.

Milobar: Grumbling to himself, “I know I left my keys around here somewhere…”

Donkey: Now that we get another good look at him, the hunter’s outfit looks like it consists of one of those old-timey diving apparatus and a goddamn mushroom helmet. He kneels down and I’m going to guess somehow manages to look through the ground to the catacombs below, and watches the alien who is still feeding on that dude.

Milobar: The alien sure is going to work on that dude’s crotch.

Is he eating that dude's penis? Or just trying to suck-start his heart through his scrotum?

Donkey: This alien loves the cock.

Milobar: Seriously? The hunter’s gun is basically just some PVC pipe and electrical tape. This movie so goddamn half-ass it’s ridiculous.

Donkey: As the our time with the hunter comes to an end, he looks off into the distance and then disappears. But Donkey, you ask yourself, how does he disappear? First, that’s a pretty odd question to ask yourself. I know that you’re reading this, but I’m not actually a voice in your head. If I was, rest assured that I would be pelting you with subliminal suggestions to go out and buy aviator sunglasses and entire cases of fat free cottage cheese. But to get back to the point, he disappears using the ancient art of basic film editing. One moment here’s there, then after a quick and obvious cut, he’s gone.

With that technical magic unleashed upon the world, the film then shows us that night is approaching with the very standard cinematic scene of the sun setting at an extremely fast rate. And yet it’s clear that it is definitely still daytime when they do all of the external shots that are to follow. They try to make it look like it is night by putting a really, really shitty filter over the camera lens. But there is clearly sunshine and shadows in all the shots.

Milobar: They’ve just washed out every color except blue, trying to make it look like night time.

Witness the dead of the night in an Asylum film, so deep and forboding that you can barely see your way back to the illuminated barn or the sunshine in front of your hands.

Donkey: Fuck, you can see the sunshine in the background. This is clearly fucking daytime! It’s one thing to try a couple of little tricks to see what you can get away with, but this isn’t even close. The movie turns back to the Super Friends as they continue to try to formulate a plan.

Milobar: Valentine’s trying to contact the outside world using Morse code. But even Morse code needs to be transmitted over something. If you don’t have a radio, that signal isn’t going anywhere.

Donkey: As he taps away at his transmission to nowhere, they hear noises coming from outside. Deciding to investigate, Valentine tells his daughter to take over with the messaging, telling her to call TwoFingers and his gang, as they need reinforcements. Wow. A dude named TwoFingers? This just got even more hillbilly.

Milobar: Valentine insists everyone accompany him outside to fight the alien, but of course he’s the only one with a gun.

Donkey: I guess everyone else is just supposed to piss on it. As they come out of the house to investigate, we discover that the alien is near by, as it quickly cuts to ‘alien-vision-cam’. And once again when it switches to the alien perspective, the camera is about a foot in front of their faces, so either the alien is insanely close to them or this is just completely wrong. But the alien’s not the only one trying to peep into the windows to see if he can catch some sad titties.

Milobar: The hunter removes his cloaking field and we see he is hiding in the trees like a sexual predator. Now he’s very slowly raising his gun, pointing it at Valentine, and then out of nowhere the alien attacks the hunter! Who saw that coming?

Donkey: At this point we see that the hunter was only about five feet in front of Valentine at the time. So the movie is not only suggesting that it’s nighttime right now, even though it clearly isn’t, but that the darkness is so thick that these people can’t see more than six inches in front of them. Valentine begins yelling and motioning for everyone to go back into the house. Yeah, no shit.

Milobar: There was no reason for them to come outside in the first place you dumb ass.

Donkey: Valentine stands and just watches the extraterrestrial grappling match, where after struggling to retrieve his gun, the hunter begins shooting at the alien. It makes it look like the alien is scooting out of the way as the hunter fires, but they couldn’t be bothered to animate much movement for its legs, so it looks like it’s just sliding along the ground. Or like a completely fake and uselessly inanimate object that has no business in any film that wasn’t shot on a cell phone. Either way.

Stand still! If I just keep firing at random, logic dictates that I'll hit you eventually!

Milobar: Fuck, the hunter didn’t even aim at the alien. He just pointed his gun on an angle and started shooting repeatedly. After the alien legs it, the hunter and Valentine decide to do a little bit of the Truffle Shuffle. Somehow Valentine manages to get behind and club the hunter with the butt of his gun.

Donkey: And as is usually the case when someone tries to punch out another person who’s wearing full metal armor using anything less than a freight train, Valentine’s attack is shrugged off and he ends up getting bitch slapped. The movie takes a moment to cut away from this playground shin kicking to show us the rest of the Super Friends, as the Greatest American Zero leads them to some escape route in Valentine’s floor that I’m not sure how he’d know even existed. So once again they end up underground in some kind of fucking cave system. But now that this is established, the movie goes right back to the main event.

Milobar: Valentine, laying on the ground staring up at the barrel of the hunter’s gun appears to be doomed, until he does a roll move and comes up… swinging on a rope? Firing an assault rifle? In what goddamn dimension does that make ANY FUCKING SENSE? And then of course they show us the same three shooting/dodging/rolling scenes to stretch the ‘action’ sequence out a bit.

Donkey: This movie should win a fucking award for going green, with all the goddamn recycling that it’s doing. Valentine then rolls into a hole and covers himself up with a tarp. Damn, this guy’s got madd skillz. What a superior warrior the hunter is dealing with here.

Milobar: This movie makes me feel about as smart as someone who works at Arby’s. The hunter isn’t just a dumb animal. He watched Valentine roll into that hole in the ground and cover himself. He should know where the fuck he is!

Donkey: Now that this fight has come to a baffling conclusion, the movie once again turns to everyone else, as they’re still crawling through the same dirt caverns under Valentine’s house. And once again, this is completely uninteresting.

Milobar: Eventually they end up in the massive underground catacombs again.

Donkey: How the fuck did they end up here? And again it’s time to sit through more extended scenes of them trudging through tunnels, with nothing happening.

Milobar: Until! Excitement! Valentine reappears!

Donkey: Once Commander CousinRaper makes his triumphant return, fresh from being thoroughly over-matched in every way, our team stands dumbfounded, waiting for him to tell them what to do next. Valentine explains that there’s an aqueduct that takes them to the main line that in turn leads them right to the power station. Wait, why do they want to go there? What the fuck is happening? But I guess I’m the only one asking any questions, because our group simply falls into line and follows without hesitation. But as they try to make their way down the tunnels, they run into a problem.

Milobar: A ‘wall of dirt’ is supposedly blocking the tunnel.

Donkey: And now that we’ve come to another point in the movie that requires a special effect, let’s take a moment to guess how they manage to fuck this one up before I go ahead and tell you. Ask yourself this question: if your movie had no budget whatsoever and you were required to create a wall of dirt, what would you do? If you answered “just film a close up of the ground,” then congratulations, you need to put a gun in your mouth and get ready to kiss the puckered anus of oblivion, because you think the same way as the Asylum special effects team. Just in case you missed that, I’m going to repeat it one more time: THEY FILMED THE FUCKING GROUND.

Eat your heart out, Pink Floyd. Now this is THE WALL.

Milobar: Well, Lee reaches forward, but when they show the shot of him brushing away some of the dirt, it just kinda moves to the left a bit and stays there.

Donkey: This is supposed to be a wall. A VERTICAL wall. So if you brush away dirt, IT SHOULD FALL. It’s a little thing we call gravity.

Milobar: Apparently gravity wasn’t in the budget for this movie.

Donkey: Once Lee brushes away about a three inch area of dirt, or just enough of an area to not be able to see anything clearly, they somehow find Tammy’s mother in that wall, so she starts freaking out. Or at least I think that’s why she’s freaking out. Maybe she’s just having the natural physiological reaction that any human being would experience once they truly come to realize that they’re in an Asylum film.

Milobar: Who the fuck cares? It could be Amy, or Joel, or Jacob, or one of the other million people that they’ve mentioned in this movie without explaining who the fuck they are.

Donkey: It actually wouldn’t catch me off guard in the slightest at this point if they had brushed away the dirt and found Jim Belushi for no apparent reason.

Milobar: Meanwhile the hunter is just running around aimlessly in the woods. And once again we get to see people emerging from a goddamn drainage pipe.

Donkey: Fuck, having to witness this the first time was like getting beaten with a sledgehammer. Having to see it a second time is like getting that same beating twice, followed up by being forced to watch a King Of The Hill marathon. Lee and Hilary stop with Valentine, seeing him off as they prepare to go their separate ways.

Milobar: If anything should happen in this ten foot long section of culvert, here’s a gun.

Donkey: You know, I don’t want to tell the crazed militia-leading product of cousin-fucking here how to do his job, but it might have been useful to have given other people a gun before now. I’m not sure, but that might have helped.

Milobar: Valentine’s not coming back? From where? Where the fuck is he going? What the fuck is he talking about?

Donkey: Watching Valentine caress his rifle like a most tender lover, Lee decides he wants a piece of that action and declares that he’s going to accompany Valentine into battle. Or on the quest to find the closest IHOP, whichever it is that he’s about to do. With Valentine an uncomfortably close distance from the two of them, Hilary then engages Lee in yet another conversation that doesn’t make any goddamn sense. At first she’s telling him not to be stupid, that it’s not his fight. Then she seems to be struggling, trying to tell him that she loves him. Suddenly kisses him on the forehead, slaps him, calls him a pervert, and says, “don’t look at those.” WHAT?! What the fuck is going on?

Milobar: I think they just fed a piece of paper into a typewriter, mashed down on the keys with their feet, and whatever came out was their script.

Donkey: I’m actually coming to believe that they held a contest where they asked the general public to submit scripts, then took a single page from each one just so that they didn’t have to pay anybody, mashed them all together, and this is what they came up with. Anyways, with Hilary turning back to meet up with the rest of the Super Friends that they left wandering in the tunnels, the two men set forth to engage in what will undoubtedly be a one-sided slaughter. And as they walk out of that goddamn underpass, they emerge into the daylight. So the movie is therefore suggesting that THEY WERE IN THE TUNNELS ALL GODDAMN NIGHT?

Milobar: Just wandering around, looking for a good sushi joint.

Donkey: There is no way that they spent an entire fucking night in there. But speaking of pointless sauntering, the movie then turns back to the others, whom of course are still wandering through goddamn tunnels. There’s no point to this scene as nothing even remotely interesting happens, but the movie is kind enough to remind you in case you’d forgotten. With that out of the way, we turn back to Lee and Valentine as they make contact with the rogue hillbilly militia.

Milobar: TwoFingers and the Merry Cornholers.

Donkey: TwoFingers explains to Valentine whom they’ve managed to gather and where they’re positioned. Valentine notices that someone named Boo Boo is apparently absent. According to TwoFingers, that asshole couldn’t make it since he had to pick up his kids at school while his wife is visiting her sister. Valentine is disgusted at the news. What, a man having to actually do something for his kids?! That’s bullshit, right there.

Milobar: A man should have as much time as he wants to go out into the woods and shoot his gun at things.

Donkey: TwoFingers asks Valentine what they’re hunting today, and Valentine tells him aliens. TwoFingers scoffs and says that it’s people like Valentine who give militias a bad name. No asshole, it’s militias that give militias a bad name.

Milobar: Or it could be the gonorrhea.

Donkey: These guys are a perfect example of why militias are goddamn clownshoes. It’s a bunch of fifth grade drop outs wandering around with guns while chugging beer. With that introduction complete, it’s now time to make our mandatory return to the people who are still wandering through tunnels.

Milobar: Garrison is being stalked by the alien. Goddamn it, all they do to simulate the alien’s vision is film the person standing out in the open and then show the same person in the exact same shot, just with a shitty filter. They could have at least switched to a different camera.

Donkey: Yeah, one that isn’t six inches from the characters face.

Milobar: After becoming separated from the rest of the group Garrison decides the best course of action is yelling at the top of his lungs. Fuck! They’ve shown people step around this same corner at least eight times already.

Donkey: They’ve spent more than half of this goddamn movie in tunnels, showing the characters moving along one painfully drawn out step at a time. I know you want to pad your film so that it’s not thirty minutes long, but fuck, can’t we speed this up at all?

Milobar: Oh boy, here’s what I’ve been waiting to see: hot mamma taking her shirt off.

Donkey: As Hilary begins stripping down to deal with the heat, she pauses and asks the rest of the group, “Do you hear that?” Hear what?

Milobar: Honey, this is an Asylum movie. We can’t hear shit.

Donkey: We can barely hear you talking, for Christ’s sake. But now they show us another quick shot of the Hunter ducking down and looking through the ground to see the alien who is still chewing on the same dude’s crotch. Fuck, I think that’s the same shot we saw earlier of that too. Does that mean that the alien went all the way back to eating that same fucking body as it was before, and the hunter is now back over top of it again? But before we think about this too much and get stuck in some kind of fucked up wormhole time continuum, it cuts back to Valentine and his squad roaming the hillside.

Milobar: The movie has inexplicably come full circle, back to the cop car parked by the motor-home that’s blocking the alien spaceship from view.

Donkey: It’s nice to see the bloody hand is still on the hood of the cop car and not one imbecile in this militia takes notice or finds that the slightest bit bizarre. Instead they wander past and come to a random house.

Little known fact: the RV is nature's camouflage, capable of cloaking objects 20 times its size, and the shame of its owners.

Milobar: The house is up on a hill, where they look down and see the cop car, the motor-home, and the alien ship. They can now clearly see that the alien ship is enormously bigger than the motor-home. I once again ask how the fuck they didn’t see that at the beginning of the movie? As the militia monkeys continue on their journey our friends in the catacombs have suddenly realized that Garrison is missing.

Donkey: As the rest of them begin searching the immediate five feet around them, just in case he’s playing hide-and-go-fuck-yourself in one of their shadows, it cuts back to Garrison and shows him walking around that exact same corner again.

Milobar: I swear there are only three hallways that make up this entire set. They just keep shooting them from different angles.

Donkey: Three hallways and a goddamn culvert.

Milobar: That’s a sweet budget. That’s some serious bling bling!

Donkey: Garrison is wandering slowly with a flashlight. You know, that thing could have probably come in handy a long time ago. Like when they were outside trying to fight the alien in the fucking dark.

Milobar: Or in the blue filter, to be more exact. Hey, is that alien poop?

Donkey: I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to be. As he’s stumbling around like a confused senior citizen, Garrison drops his flashlight into a pool of light colored mud that I guess could be shit.

Milobar: Since Garrison is two hundred feet underground it’s the perfect time for his phone to ring. He answers it and tells his wife that he loves her, and not to leave the house. And then we can’t hear the rest because of the typical shitty sound quality.

Donkey: At the end of his mumbled conversation, Garrison screams at the top of his lungs into his phone, telling his wife that he loves her. Fuck, easy there, asshole. I’ve got the phone right by my ear here, and unlike your stupid ass, I’m not hanging around in a goddamn tunnel. No need to yell like that.

Milobar: Could this go on any longer? It’s worse than watching Lord Of The Rings. I feel like we’ve spent nine hours walking just to throw this asshole into a volcano.

Donkey: Finally, the alien gets around to attacking and Mr. Garrison is dead. We can only hope that Ms. Chokesondick will now step in as a substitute.

Milobar: Fuck, this movie is putting me to sleep.

Donkey: The movie goes back to the rest of the Super Friends in the tunnels, and we see them walking around the same fucking corner AGAIN.

Milobar: As they exit out of the tunnels, FINALLY, into a big room with steam everywhere, we are treated to one of the finest lines ever uttered on film:

Tammy: “Guys, we’re in their ship and that totally sucks.”

Donkey: What? Seriously? What an amazing coincidence. That’s exactly what I would say if I suspected I was on an alien craft. Providing that I had a full frontal lobotomy first, of course.

Milobar: My first comment would be, “I wonder where they keep all the freaky alien porn.”

Donkey: Our bellows of laughter soon fade back into gentle sobbing and the film returns to the drunken militia, wandering through the woods. I don’t know what they’re even trying to accomplish here.

Milobar: Are they even trying to accomplish anything?

Donkey: I think they’ve actually given up on whatever primary goal they had before and have gone back to searching for illegal Mexican immigrants. They wander up and find a severed hand holding a walkie talkie. Was that supposed to belong to a member of their group? If so, WHO?? But it doesn’t really matter as they look up into the trees and find the alien there, just chilling out.

Milobar: And now in another great Asylum tradition, they are shooting their guns, but with the barrels off screen so that they don’t have to actually simulate gunfire.

Donkey: This is fucking ridiculous.

Milobar: At least Transmorphers, while confusing the goddamn shit out of me, had scenes that moved on from one to the next.

Donkey: Yes, at least it moved on in a linear fashion so that you were left with the impression that while shitty, it was at least telling some kind of story.

Milobar: This is like they just rolled some fucking dice and, oh a six, let’s throw that scene in. Then, oh a three! It’s like the writers had a Yahtzee tournament one afternoon and the script was made! Fuck, and now this guy has a bazooka?

Donkey: One of the drunken militia dudes, apparently named Marty, gets shot by the hunter and his goddamn laser. So is the hunter hunting the alien, the hillbillies, or because of the shitty visor on his helmet is he just shooting at anything that moves?

Milobar: My vote is anything that moves. I’m surprised he’s not shooting at the wind.

Donkey: Fuck, and again we can’t hear the dialogue.

Milobar: Back to the people in the ship, and they find another one of the hunter’s guns. More PVC pipe and tape.

Donkey: As their search for the stash of alien dongs continues, they go into another room and apparently find the body of another alien lying on a slab. One of them asks if it’s dead. Do you really want to take that chance? I’ll tell you what, Baby Einstein, maybe you shouldn’t stick around to find out.

Milobar: Or perhaps you should unload a couple of rounds into it from that space rifle that you found to be sure.

Donkey: The group now concludes that the hunter is, in fact, a hunter who is here on safari, stalking these aliens. It’s just a game to him. What? How? How do they have anywhere near enough information to reach that conclusion?

Milobar: It’s time for us to argue now, because we’ve been wandering around doing nothing for too long. In celebration of our argument let’s try to rip the alien apart! What? Why?

Donkey: Again, none of the camera shots show what they’re doing. They’re straining to do something, but we don’t know what.

Milobar: I’m gonna go with alien rape.

Donkey: The movie turns back to the militia as they continue to try to take on the alien and/or hunter.

Milobar: One of the militia dudes supposedly gets lifted off his feet, but we can’t see by what since nothing actually is.

Donkey: They proceed to unload their guns into the hunter, which does nothing, and then try to beat this piss out of him themselves. Valentine throws a bear hug around the hunter from behind. What the fuck was that supposed to accomplish?

Milobar: What kind of a Benny Hill routine is this bullshit?

Donkey: TwoFingers, showing a remarkable ability to learn fucking nothing by ignoring what happened only moments ago to the people who tried to do the exact same thing, runs up and starts unloading his rifle into the hunter’s face. The hunter plays with something on his wrist and proceeds to become invisible. This time instead of editing him out, they make him “invisible” by showing a quick flash and then turning the camera suddenly so that the hunter is out of frame. Fuck me. Seriously? So did the hunter become invisible, or just have a remote control for the camera on his wrist? But just as the hunter decides to exit the scene, the alien swoops in to clean up, attacking the random militia guy that was pulled into the air and dropped a moment ago.

Milobar: Lee tries to come to the rescue as he runs up and fires his gun. But as he fires, the special effect of the muzzle flash unsurprisingly doesn’t match up with the recoil of his gun.

Donkey: Valentine then tries to take on the alien in hand-to-hand combat.

Milobar: And very poorly, because only moments later, he’s dead.

Donkey: For some reason the alien then bolts off like he’s late for a formal dinner with Pee Wee Herman, rather than sticking around to finish off the only two humans who are left alive: TwoFingers and Lee. Everyone else is dead, so why not finish the goddamn job? Not bothering to question their luck, TwoFingers calmly turns to the Greatest American Failure and says, “let’s go.” Where?

Milobar: We need to get to the arcade!

Donkey: We’ll play some Pit Fighter. I get to be Buzz.

Milobar: Or perhaps some Mortal Kombat 3.

Donkey: Fuck, if that’s the case then I want to play as the shitty mall cop.

Milobar: Everyone wants to play as the shitty mall cop.

Donkey: Now the movie turns back to the small band of idiots hiding on the hunter’s ship. As the hunter returns and boards his craft, all of them duck behind a small box that isn’t even big enough to hide one of them, let alone all of them. Whew. That was close. It’s a good thing he didn’t turn his head slightly. Now it goes back to Lee and TwoFingers and they’re arguing over what to do next. Lee is saying that they need to call the military, while TwoFingers is saying fuck that, we don’t need no military. Yeah, because you’re doing a bang up job on your own so far, asshole. And now they start talking about people again and I have no idea who they’re talking about. Lee is telling TwoFingers that he can’t just leave because of…Freckles?

Milobar: Who the fuck is Freckles?

Donkey: Fuck, every scene that focuses on someone talking makes NO SENSE. This fucking movie DARES YOU to try to keep up.

Milobar: You couldn’t make a movie that makes this little sense if you tried. This movie is like a slap in the dink from an eighty five year old Korean woman with a hand covered in acid, razor blades, and Nair hair remover.

Donkey: And now TwoFingers and the Greatest American CumDumpster run across the rest of the Super Friends in the woods, just randomly for no apparent reason.

Milobar: Oh, and to answer my own question, Freckles is apparently Valentine’s daughter, although I don’t remember ever having heard her name before.

Donkey: Now that everyone is back together, they’re all shattered to hear that Valentine is dead. I can see why. He was a pretty lovable guy.

Milobar: If these dumb motherfuckers had just listened to Figgus in the first place and left the city, they’d all be safe. This movie is like taking a goddamn Shakespearean play and feeding it into an online translator, translating it into Chinese, then from Chinese to Russian, from Russian to German, from German to Japanese, and then from Japanese back to English.

Donkey: And then having a three year old try to read that English back to you.

Milobar: There’s a few words in there, some of them form sequences that could almost be sentences, but as for what the fuck they’re actually talking about, you couldn’t possibly guess.

Wait. Are they discussing how they’re going to trap the alien in a quarry, or a big open field? How exactly do you trap something IN THE OPEN? Fuck, why not just tie him up with some magical green puke rope?

Donkey: I honestly have no idea what’s going on at this point.

Milobar: Fucking insanity. That’s what’s going on. Lee and Hilary are discussing the hunter’s gun and what it’s made out of. What the fuck? How would either of you know anything about guns from outer space and what they’re made out of?

Even worse than realizing that an alien is about to kill you is knowing that he'll be using those bungee cables to strap you to the roof of his ship later.

Donkey: Suddenly Figgus lets out a yelp as he’s dragged and then held tight against a tree by bungee cables. Just regular old bungee cables. Not fancy, space-aged alien straps. Just fucking Home Depot bungee cables. As he struggles with his bonds, he’s impaled in the chest by a stick. Not a spear. A stick.

Milobar: TwoFingers rushes in to be killed by the hunter, although all we see is a flash and him falling to the ground. So I guess the hunter shot him.

Donkey: And now the alien has arrived, so we’ve got everybody at this shitty party.

Milobar: And they just used the same shot of the alien moving through the trees that they’ve shown about a dozen times already.

Donkey: To save few members of the group left alive, the Greatest American MonkeyTesticle tries to lure the alien over to him. Once he gets its attention, he rolls underneath netting that was covering a hole and hides just out of reach of the alien’s strikes. Why the fuck is that hole and netting there? Who put it there? And how did he know about it? Wait, what the fuck is that?

Milobar: Freckles just got vaporized.

The hunter takes aim with his Virtual Boy vision and picks off the most scared/retardedly-grinning member of the group.

Donkey: She screams, you hear a shot, and then she literally just disappears. Not in an explosive manner or anything like that. She’s clearly just edited out. Fuck, that gets more and more awesome every time they do it.

Milobar: There’s just a quick flash and she’s not there anymore. Fuck, these people are so stupid they deserve to be eaten alive by a spider alien.

Donkey: After crawling back out of his hole in the ground, somehow Lee manages to get his hands on the Hunter’s gun. It looks like he might just…OH JESUS. Lee shoots the alien with the intergalactic gun and it fucking EXPLODES.

Milobar: He only hit the damn thing once!

Donkey: Not only that, but there were points earlier in the film where the hunter managed to shoot the alien himself, with little to no effect. So why did this one shot make the goddamn alien explode? They show that terrible explosion, cut away, and then cut back to show the same shot of the woods with no trace of the alien or any sign of an explosion. I guess just to show us for sure that he’s gone.

Holy shit! Now that's an explosion! Talk about scorched earth motherfu...what? Really?

Milobar: Lee starts celebrating, jumping up and down, pumping his fist in the air.

Donkey: Lee turns to Hilary and Tammy and sees that the hunter has stepped in front of them. He just looks like kind of sad, like he’s just accepting that they’re about to die. What? You’ve got a gun in your hands that you just used to vaporize an alien. Why not just shoot at the fucking hunter?

Milobar: Because the hunter suddenly disappears and the women are fine, aside from having appeared in an Asylum movie.

Do either of you understand a single fucking thing that just happened?

Donkey: And now the three survivors, Lee, Hilary, and Tammy are all just standing there, laughing. They’re talking about how they’re all going to go off and live together and that the reporter should write about what happened. What?! Are you fucking insane? WRITE ABOUT WHAT?! All your fucking conversations that didn’t make any goddamn sense? And why the fuck have these three assumed that just because the hunter has disappeared, he’s gone for good? He’s disappeared multiple times and then come back.

Milobar: As the three most uncharismatic characters in the history of film stumble off in to the sunset, we see the hunter back at his ship. It’s time for the big reveal folks! The helmet is coming off.

Donkey: He’s just a dude. And a douchebag at that, as he has a smoke and chugs a beer. He talks about how he may have finally found some worthy opponents, and that they might have to do another hunt.

I love a good smoke after I fuck an audience right in the brain.

Milobar: The computer asks him if she should prepare the checklist for his arrival on Earth, which makes it sound like the hunter might be a human from Earth and the planet he was just on wasn’t Earth.

Donkey: Fuck, how can that be? So this planet has the fucking Pulitzer Prize? They’re mentioning all kinds of other human institutions. This has to be Earth.

Milobar: I didn’t think it was possible for this movie to make less sense at this point, but it just fucking did. Thanks Asylum! Thanks for punching my brain in the face.

Donkey: I can’t help but notice that the running time of this movie is a true staple of Shitty Movie Night. Like so many others before it, it’s over in eighty two minutes. And fuck did they really stretch it to make it to eighty two minutes.

Milobar: This ‘story’ could have been told in twenty minutes. It made so little sense that it’s almost like they were writing a different script and then just randomly threw in the alien and the hunter as an afterthought, just to cash in on the Alien Vs Predator movies.

Donkey: I’m guessing that it was originally a romantic comedy. And apparently one that was set in a series of underground tunnels, considering that’s where they spent most of the fucking movie.

The Verdict:

Donkey: This is one of the greatest Asylum movies of all time, and a serious contender for the title of their champion. Watching this cinematic bowel obstruction is like farting into a bottle and saving it to dispense into the face of your spouse/sibling/employer at a later time. It’s really hard to do, and even if you somehow manage to pull it off, you quickly realize that it was a fucking stupid idea in the first place. Just stick to burping and blowing it in their faces when they open a door for you. Isn’t that right James, you asshole? But as I’ve said before, it’s that kind of hilarious failure that results in a great Shitty Movie Night, and Alien Vs Hunter delivers in every way imaginable. I give it five walls of dirt out of five reuses of the same fucking scene.

Milobar: After watching this piece of garbage I’m honestly having a hard time forming cohesive sentences. Fuck, that movie was so aggressively confusing I think it made everything else in my life make a little less sense. My hat is off to you Alien Vs Hunter. You would think your name alone might suggest that we would get to see an Alien fight a Hunter, but instead all I saw was a bunch of assholes wandering around the sewers for an hour and a half. And that’s just the tip of the mindfuck iceberg. I give this one five catacombs out of six dude we’re in their ship and that totally sucks.

What We Learned:

Donkey: If you’re going to make a movie, you don’t need an intelligible story, coherent dialogue, likable characters, decent actors, moderately believable special effects, entertaining action sequences, a variety of more than three sets, or any semblance of basic continuity, as long as you’ve got….umm…shit, what does this movie have? Oh yeah, the Greatest American Wad of Cocksnot.

Milobar: If anyone ever has a gun pointed at you, just do a duck roll. You’ll somehow magically come up swinging on a rope and shooting an M16, and unless that motherfucker trying to kill you has a fancy space suit that looks like it was cobbled together out of a Halloween costume from 1985 and a flat of recycled beer cans, you’re pretty much guaranteed to be eating shitty asshole steaks for dinner!

Don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: The depths of space collide with the depths of the arbitrary as we sail along with THE ICE PIRATES.

Back To The Main Page.

100 passengers and 2,000 vipers? I don't want to shock anyone, but this movie contains neither.

Donkey: There could be no denying that Transmorphers had upped the ante for Shitty Movie Night with production values that none of us had dreamed possible. A certain existential line had been crossed, as we had attained a level of knowledge not meant for the human brain. There was no going back. And like any junkie after their first hit, we were looking for more. We had spent a solid two weeks of sobbing ourselves into exhaustion while pondering how the hell someone has the fucking nerve to release a movie where you can’t hear half the dialogue, broken only by a futile attempt to fill the void with the tale of four assholes and their marvelous adventures in taint licking. It was then that Milobar found a movie that I had seen briefly on video store shelves some time earlier and had stored away in the recesses of my subconscious for future use…Snakes On A Train. The movie’s Hollywood inspiration, Snakes On A Plane, was a hilarious and outstandingly shitty movie in its own right, so we didn’t know how much lower this one could get. But never doubt, my friends. There is one rule that has been reinforced time and time again for us over the years; just when you think that you couldn’t possibly find something worse, you’ll always manage to sink to new lows. And like the song said, we had only just begun…

The Plot:

Donkey: Snakes On A Train is the tale of one night spent on a cylindrical metal tube-like method of conveyance separated into various subsections as it hurdled down a track, filled with similarly shaped reptilian creatures that represented various levels of venomous danger. I’m actually not sure what half of those words meant, so I could be wrong, but I think what I’m trying to say is that it’s a movie about snakes on a goddamn train.

This heartwarming tale belongs to Brujo and Alma, two illegal aliens from Mexico who have snuck across the US border in search of the same dream that so many of their countrymen flock to: meeting an uncle in Los Angeles that will cure Alma of a horrible Mexican curse that causes her to vomit snakes. Ah, that old story. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard it, I could buy and sell you all like the world’s third or fourth finest boxed wine. They manage to stowaway on a train headed to LA with a small group of other future gardeners and laborers, but tensions run high among the compatriots as the young couple can’t afford the same fare that the others paid in order to secure their safe passage. Despite a childhood friend of Alma’s named Miguel, who just happens to be on the same train, coming to their aid and paying their fee, the conflict eventually boils over when the others attempt to buy weed from them and discover Alma’s dark secret, forcing Brujo to use his Ultra-Mexican-Wizard powers to grapple with them. The distraction naturally sets up a series of events that result in Alma’s snakes escaping into the rest of the train. As those snakes begin to increasingly terrorize the scant group of fellow passengers, Brujo does his best to quietly gather them while working to prevent the train’s journey from being brought to a premature end. But time, circumstances, and elementary logic are not on his side, and eventually our fable comes to a horrifyingly ridiculous climax that will haunt the dreams of all those who dare to witness.

The Case For Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Donkey: Snakes On A Motherfucking Train! This is a Mallacchi Brothers film, which therefore means that someone thought this film required a group effort. I can’t believe that two people are actually responsible for this.

Milobar: But only one vagina.

Donkey: Indeed. And their mother should be ashamed. Wait, hold on…I just looked this movie up on IMDB and it says that the movie was actually directed by “Peter Mervis as the Mallacchi Brothers”. What?! How the fuck can I take your movie seriously if you’re so embarrassed by it that you not only won’t use your own name, but need to further secure your anonymity by using two fake ones instead?

Milobar: The movie opens with Brujo dragging his girlfriend Alma across the desert. Man, I feel bad for these two actors. They didn’t know what they were getting themselves into.

Donkey: The shit we’ll make people do for a green card.

Milobar: People picking fruit manage to maintain more dignity than these two.

Donkey: As they trudge through the desert, the young couple reach a warning sign on a barbed wire fence, marking the US border. That’s it? That’s the US border? Maybe Lou Dobbs isn’t as big of an idiot as I had suspected. No, wait…he still is.

Anyone else notice the Illegal Access warning is facing towards the US side of the border? I think I may have just discovered 98% of the problem with illegal immigration.

Milobar: The barbed wire is well spaced so it’s very easy to squeeze underneath it. Keeping the border safe, one illegal immigrant unable to crawl on their stomach at a time. After their daring dash across arbitrary national boundaries, Alma starts to get nauseous and they hunker down beside an old burned out truck.

Donkey: Brujo begins chanting and rubbing an ointment into Alma’s forehead, as well blowing smoke from a pipe into her face. I’m not really sure if this is supposed to be a bizarre healing ritual, or if he’s finally convinced her to try anal sex for the first time and is just prepping her up for a night of sand-filled ass loving by getting her crazy high.

It's a good thing they cast a desperate bulimic, or this would get old for her very fast.

Milobar: Come on, baby. Loosen up. It only burns like a bad rash the first couple of times. WINK. Of course her reaction, like most women I have propositioned with that exact same phrase, is to start coughing up green puke and… snakes? How the hell do you convince an actress to do this?

Donkey: Considering this woman’s role is composed of puking up bright green shit and snakes for almost the entire film, I’m going to guess that this was simply a better alternative than going back to working the Drive Thru at a Taco Bell. As they’re prepping for a sodolicious good time, a white dude acting as their coyote shows up and they tell him that they need to get to Los Angeles.

Milobar: Coyote Jim, worried about being spotted by the Minutemen, yells at Brujo and stomps their fire out. Of course, if I were in his shoes, I’d be less concerned about the fire and more concerned about the very apparent spotlight shining in the background.

Donkey: The coyote tells them about a train that’s conveniently headed to LA and offers to put them on it for three hundred dollars, just as the snake that Alma wretched up moments ago is seen climbing up his pant leg.

Milobar: “Something bit me, goddamn it!” For a snake that small, the bite mark is huge, and we are soon shown why. The snake apparently slithered inside of him. I don’t think the goddamn Mallacchi Brothers actually know how snakes work.

Donkey: That’s…um…awesome. And about thirty seconds later, he’s dead. Wow. Those snakes work fast, especially considering that was only his shin.

Milobar: Of course, the next thing we see is the train, and the Mexican couple trying to sneak on to it to get to LA.

We love this dude. And trust us, you're going to be seeing him a lot.

Donkey: I’d love to know how they got there, considering that Coyote Steve didn’t tell them where they were or in what direction they needed to go to get to this station before he dropped dead. So unless these assholes have a GPS, that’s some pretty good guess work. As they’re looking for a way to sneak onboard, the couple comes across one of our favorite recurring Asylum actors (whom we’ve already seen playing a character in the doomed strike force that was left for dead at the beginning of Transmorphers), portraying another illegal alien named Chico. After begging and pleading, Chico lets them board the car that he and a group of fellow illegal stowaways have paid to hide in. Brujo and Alma are then confronted by the two others, Juan and Julio (goddamn, these are some thoughtful Mexican names) demanding that they pay their way. All seems lost when suddenly this random dude named Miguel comes to their defense. Who is this dude?

Milobar: Mexicans stick together.

Donkey: Apparently only one out of every four stick together. The rest are ready to throw sick countrymen out to die. It turns out that Miguel is a friend of Alma’s from childhood. Isn’t that just an amazing coincidence? Really, what the hell are the odds of that?

What did you just say about President Taft, punk?

Next the movie takes a moment to introduce the rest of this motley cast, beginning with the train’s lone conductor, a man with a sweet handlebar mustache that connects up to his mutton chop sideburns, as he walks around collecting tickets. That is some awesome facial hair. Apparently this is his last shift before be begins an exciting new career as a grizzled 1890′s prospector. He collects tickets from the various passengers as they board and take seats. There’s two single white people, a man and woman who appear to be in their late thirties. You can just smell the awkward romance that’s going to ensue between these two, and it smells like a mixture of reheated Kraft Dinner and unrealized expectations. Man, these two are so fucking white that I suddenly feel like I’ve been suckered into watching an extended illegal Mexican Gap commercial. And that’s just reinforced by the next group to arrive; a gaggle of three disgustingly stereotypical teen-aged boys. Radical! They’re surfers just looking for that perfect wave and someone who will put up with their shitty acoustic guitar skills. But before we can focus on our hatred of them too much, in stumbles a family, consisting of two young parents with a very small girl.These two are obviously trapped in a loveless battle of apathy with a living reminder of their neglectful approach towards birth control yapping around their ankles.

Milobar: Enter my favorite victim, and a true diamond in the rough, Sad Titties. She and her friend Summer are talking about going to LA to become actors. Suddenly a comedy routine by David Cross springs in to my mind. They’re most likely going to be totally unsuccessful, stumble into the only thing more shameful than porn, an Asylum film, and have their acting wishes perversely granted by playing themselves in a movie about two clueless women traveling to LA to start an acting career.

Left: Kate Mulgrew, Right: Someone you will forget about in 30 seconds

Donkey: As the two twenty-something year old girls sit down, Crystal (lovingly known as Sad Titties) starts freaking out about this “Middle Eastern” dude that’s been staring at them from the other end of the passenger car, like, you know, forever.

Milobar: He doesn’t even look Middle Eastern. He looks like a white dude with a tan.

Donkey: And let’s put this in perspective. These two girls got on the damn train about thirty seconds ago. That doesn’t really warrant that kind of freak out, even if he had been looking at them for that entire thirty seconds.. It’s not like he’s been leering at them for over an hour, for God’s sake.

Milobar: And at the last minute some random cowboy shows up.

Donkey: A swarthy motherfucker with a shitty hat? Perfect. Finally we have all our players in this shitty ensemble. Let the assault on the very foundations of our reality commence. And now that all of our players have arrived, the train begins its journey and the movie turns back to Brujo and Alma.

But your snakes come...wait, do I seriously have to say this shit?

Milobar: Alma, looking worse than the hooker bodies Blombo keeps in the trunk of his car, says that everyone has snakes inside of them. Brujo’s witty response? “But yours come out.” Okay, I’m about done with these two fucking morons.

Donkey: That’s so fucking deep that I’m reaching for my snorkel gear. Seriously, I need a wetsuit lest I freeze and drown in that goddamn philosophical lake of brilliance.

Milobar: Actually, if you believe that everyone has snakes inside of them, I would call that pretty FUCKING INSANE.

Donkey: While talking about how they’re getting to LA to meet up with Brujo’s uncle, it is revealed that they believe the uncle can put the snakes back inside of Alma and make her whole again. Before your brain melts and pours out your ears as you try to picture how that could possibly be done, let’s take a step back for a moment and think about that, because the very foundation of this conflict is just cocktastic. How is it that she throws up parts of herself that have converted into snakes and manages to live for more than thirty seconds? This chick has clearly been chugging along for what has probably been days. Hours at the very least. What internal parts of your body can you possibly lose and still live, even when it is just a part a time?

Milobar: Judging by the people in this movie, self respect, common sense, and shame.

Donkey: Well it’s not like you can puke out a large part of your liver and then just hit the town for a night of roller-disco dance fever. You’d be way more fucked up than this. And just to highlight my point, Alma goes into another gagging fit and again we see this chick throwing up more of the green Jell-O substance/snake combination. Seriously, how many times do we have to watch this?

Milobar: Glub glub glub! There’s always room for Jell-O!

Donkey: Sensing that there are Jell-O Pudding Pops to be had, our old friend Chico comes over to survey the scene. First he asks for weed for him and his men, believing Brujo and Alma to be dope smugglers. But once he discovers all the snakes that Brujo is toting along in jars, he freaks out.

The truth is that this doesn't actually seal anything. He has mouth herpes and no one wants to go anywhere near that.

Milobar: Our significantly less cursed Mexican friends seem to agree with us and decide to attack the snake lady, but Brujo blinds them by blowing dust in their face and then traps Juan and Julio in a conveniently placed cage that he secures with a magical rope covered in green vomit. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. If you’re a goddamn moron.

Donkey: Like so many of these shitty movies, they don’t even bother to address this in any way. I understand why Alma is puking up that shit, per se. But how the hell did he just throw that up? And why did it magically bind that rope? Are we not going to talk about this at all? Really? Fuck…fine. Moments later, Brujo chases down Chico as he tries to escape and they begin a dramatic fight scene between cars, as these loud, screeching images of the tracks keep fading in and overlaying the scene. I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be symbolic, or some asshole’s idea of an artistic statement, but that’s just goddamn annoying. And after a very badly choreographed struggle, Brujo stabs Chico in the throat and kicks him off the train. So long, friend. See you in the next Asylum film.

Milobar: I’m surprised that Brujo didn’t have a catch phrase to yell out right then. Something like, “I guess this is your stop”, or “next stop, the ground!”

Donkey: With that situation temporarily resolved, our attention gets switched back to seeing the single white electrical engineer who keeps looking back at the only single white female in the passenger car. You can practically hear his thoughts out loud: how can I manage to show her my penis?

I am offensive in my inoffensiveness.

Milobar: There’s nothing like watching horribly awkward flirting on film.

Donkey: His great opening line is “do you have the time?” That’s a sweet move, and very true to real life, it’s followed by terrible and uncomfortable dialogue that’s not clever or interesting in the slightest. Put a gun to my goddamn head and end this. This isn’t funny or entertaining, and it’s not insightful into life or the human condition. It’s just goddamn frustrating to have to witness. If I want a goddamn touching romance between two idiots that closely mirrors real life, I’ll watch Dude, Where’s My Car? In the meantime, let’s get on to the fucking snakes with the bitey-bites. Finally, it starts to look a little more promising as the three teen-aged boys loudly enter the car and one of them has something that he can’t see slither past his leg. Of course, we don’t actually see anything either, as they don’t even so much as move the camera. There’s just a sudden dramatic blaring of music and we have to take his word as to why.

Milobar: Did that dude just say gnarly?

Donkey: Apparently these guys just rode in on skateboards from 1988. That’s rad.

Milobar: Bodacious!

Donkey: I’d like to take a moment to point out to our readers that by this point we can say with certainty that this train looks fucking nasty. Seriously. I understand that the rail industry isn’t doing very well but for god’s sake. This looks like it was just returning from Auschwitz when they stopped it to film a movie. Fuck, two of the four cars we see in this movie are full of garbage. What are they hauling? Where are they going? To the Los Angeles city dump? But with that tirade out of the way, the movie turns to the young family sleeping in their cabin, Mitch and Nancy along with their child, Lani. After Lani stumbles back from the bathroom, claiming that she saw a snake in there, Nancy tries to wake up Mitch and prod him to go check it out.

Milobar: “Mitch. Mitch!” Look asshole, Mitch is asleep. Okay? After being violently extricated from dreamland, Mitch groggily informs his spawn that there are no snakes on this train, and then asks how she thinks they would possibly get in. What do you mean how would they get in? It’s a goddamn train!

Donkey: Last I checked, this train was connected to the ground and it comes to stops for significant periods of time. It’s not a goddamn space station in orbit. An industrious snake could crawl up there on its own, even if you discount the very distinct possibility that it’s someone’s missing pet who brought it onboard and then lost it.

Milobar: Being an excellent father figure, Mitch ignores his daughter, rolls over to go back to sleep, and gives us a sweet shot of his tighty whities. Fuck, thank you for that.

This is what is known as a Mexican bidet.

Donkey: Sweet skid marks there, dude. Nancy gets up and checks the bathroom with their daughter, and after they leave, we get what is supposed to be a shocking and terrifying shot of a snake as it starts coming out of a roll of toilet paper. Fuck, how big do they think a roll of toilet paper is? There’s no way a snake could hide in there without you seeing most of it hanging out the other side.

Milobar: “Hey guys! If I didn’t know better, I’d say this roll of toilet paper was a snake.”

Donkey: Now as they’re settling back down to bed and the scene is about to cut away, we see that a snake is slithering under the covers into daddy’s bed. Ominous.

Milobar: After that dramatic and touching scene, Brujo takes a moment to finally reveal what is wrong with Alma. She’s been stricken with an ancient curse called… “The Snakes.”

Donkey: That’s insanely creative. He explains that she was originally supposed to marry a wealthy man but instead decided to run away with him, so her enraged family put this curse on her.

Milobar: Now admittedly, I’m not Mexican, but I think that might be a bit of an overreaction.

Donkey: As Brujo is revealing this intensely unbelievably premise to Miguel, Julio and Juan, who are still trapped in the cage which is being bound shut by the puke rope, taunt them from their cell. Rightly so, as these people and their goddamn story are about as worthy of respect as a child rapist, but if I were in a cage that was being held shut by a dude’s puke while his girlfriend is throwing up snakes every couple of minutes, I might just keep my goddamn mouth shut.

Milobar: I personally wouldn’t be trying to get out of that cage. They’re probably safer inside it.

Donkey: With that terribly insightful scene over, we turn back to Crystal and Summer sitting in the dining car, as Crystal is explaining how a guy named Mark, who is presumably one of their ex-boyfriends, gave them five thousand dollars to take something to a friend of his in LA. What it turns out that she’s carrying is a rather substantial package of coke in her purse. Not wrapped or hidden. Just sitting in her purse. I know that trains probably aren’t the pinnacle of security, but come on, you really thought it was a good idea to just try to carry that in your bag next to your lip liner? The scene ends with them noticing that the Middle Eastern dude is still following them, and then a random snake slipping by Summer’s boot. So in summary, these two have an intellectual capacity that barely keeps them from constantly drooling all over themselves. Thrilling.

As we turn once again to our Mexican friends, Miguel tries to convince Bujo to take Alma to see a doctor, as “they might be able to do some x-rays or something.” Yeah, because this is a very common ailment that any doctor can treat, one step down from the clap. A little penicillin and she’ll be fine.

Milobar: “Guts turning into snakes, eh? I’ve seen this before a hundred times. You just need a little bit of Robitussin and some warm milk.” Meanwhile the two Mexican dudes who were tied in a cage all of five feet away, have managed to escape without anyone noticing.

Donkey: Now that’s pretty fucking sneaky. Perhaps like people in so many other shitty movies, those guys have the famed ‘Ninja Teleport’ power. We catch up with Juan and Julio as they are looking at a bag that they stole from Brujo. Wait…they escaped AND managed to steal a fucking bag? Without being noticed? Fuck, these two would make better covert operatives than Remo Williams. As they riffle through the bag which contains the pipe that Brujo had been using to blow smoke into Alma’s face, they crack into a tin that they’ve pulled out, thinking that it’s weed. Of course, it actually turns out to be snakes. And naturally, one immediately crawls into Juan’s wrist.

I think you misunderstood the word 'Anal' in the Anal Bead instruction manual

Milobar: And there goes snake number two into Juan’s heterosexual life mate’s wrist.

Donkey: And in the great Asylum tradition, the audio for this scene, like some many others, is shit. The two of them are screaming and it is so loud that you’d think they had discovered a way that they could both deep throat the boom mic at once. Even at the lowest volume, it still seems like your television’s speakers are about to catch fire.

Milobar: Brujo arrives to save the da-HOLY SHIT! Did he just rip out that dude’s heart with his bare hands? Who the fuck is this guy? The Mexican, non-union equivalent of Superman?

I know it looks bad, but he's actually just installing a pacemaker. It's fast and cheap, if you don't mind a scar that looks like you were playing rugby with a landmine.

Donkey: The amount of shit that this guy can do, with no explanation as to why, is getting fucking ridiculous. Once he’s collected the snake from Juan’s heart, he then uses a knife to retrieve the other one out of Julio’s forearm. Now that’s just goddamn neighborly of that snake to have stayed there, rather than traveling to his heart, seeing as Juan and Julio both got penetrated at about the same time. Speaking of which, a gradual ache in my lower intestine is really causing me to feel like this movie is penetrating me. And while Juan drifts off to whack that giant pinata in the sky, Brujo leaves Julio to suffer his fate, insinuating that now that he’s been violated by a cursed snake, his insides will make the same unholy transformation. Wait, if that’s true then why did Coyote Frank just drop dead? Why didn’t he end up being infected with ‘the Snakes’?

The movie once again returns to Crystal and Summer, who are arguing over the large bag of coke. When Summer demands that Sad Titties ditch the stash, Crystal reveals that she can’t get rid of it or give it back because she’s already spent three out of the five thousand dollars they were given for this. Why would you tell your friend that you were given five grand if you’ve already spent three of it? Why not just say that you were given two?

Milobar: Because she’s a fucking idiot.

Donkey: After undoubtedly leaving heaping, clogged toilets in the bathroom and taking part in an awkward exchange with Hoover the Cowboy, the girls sit down at a booth in the diner car only to have Julio stumble up to them, mumble something in Spanish, throw up a bunch of black shit, and wander out. Fuck, that will ruin your dinner.

Milobar: The lunch lady picks up the phone and says “Mr. Jenkins, he’s coming your way.” Who’s coming my way, Gladys? What the fuck are you talking about?!

Donkey: The only other sentence that the lunch lady says to this Mr. Jenkins is that she’ll keep her eyes open until the police come. What? Did someone call the cops in the last fifteen seconds that I just didn’t notice? Because I was pretty sure that no one’s done anything yet. But before the scene ends, Hoover the Cowboy plops himself down with the two young women and identifies himself as a cop.

Milobar: And it’s time to take Sad Titties for a little mano e breasto chat.

Donkey: Just before he takes her away, Summer says, “You don’t look like a cop, you look like a dealer.” Why, that’s a valid point you’ve got there, Summer. Gold star for you! Because no undercover cop has ever looked like a grease ball before. They all wear freshly pressed slacks, sport a cop mustache, and rock out in a hat that says “Undercover, bitches”. Well done. Have a cookie. But while we leave Summer to undoubtedly continue her groundbreaking research into Quantum Physics, the movie turns its focus back to our flirtatious single white people. As they regale each other with enchanting tales of their failed life skills, the conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Julio, stumbling around in his cursed condition.

Milobar: I wish somebody would interrupt this movie with something worth watching. But I guess a Mexican shaking like a crack head and puking up green Jell-O will have to suffice.

Donkey: The conductor puts Julio in a seat and then goes to call for help, as the two single white people look on in very typical ‘white’ fashion. “Golly gee whiz…someone should help that poor man. Fuck, not me, but someone should”. I love the fucking camera angles in this scene as the conductor is on the phone. It jumps from looking up at him upside down from under his chin, or down from directly above his head. What the fuck is that? There’s absolutely no way that I can concentrate on what he’s saying when I’m looking at him like this, not that he’s saying anything even remotely relevant anyway.

I'm so good that I can emote fear using my nostrils and hairline alone. Still not impressed? Flip the camera then, bitch.

I’ve had about enough of this, and the movie agrees as the scene transitions back to Alma, who’s looking pretty damn rough as Miguel is trying to comfort her.

Just hold still. If you're going to rot, the least you can do is smell like a football player's ass crack.

Milobar: What the fuck is he doing? He’s spraying deodorant on Alma and has wrapped her head up like she’s got a goddamn toothache.

Donkey: As Alma is beginning to realize that there is no way that she’s ever going to make it to LA alive, she declares that she doesn’t want to be thrown off the train. If she’s going to die, she wants to do it here. Really? Your’d rather die here on this rundown shitty train than outside in the fresh air and under an open sky? Are you sure you wouldn’t rather be moved to some place even more luxurious, like a fucking garbage barge, or a pile of AIDS infested medical refuse?

Milobar: Fuck, if I were on that train I’d want to die too. Fuck this movie’s so goddamn boring. Seriously. However, the one redeeming scene this movie contains is coming up.

Donkey: Yep, the big pay off.

Milobar: The movie that created the legend. The legend that started a revolution! But before we get there, Brujo the Mexican samurai has decided to make his way to the engineer’s booth via the roof of the train to make sure no one stops this locomotive.

Donkey: Once they take those few moments to demonstrate that the people who made this movie clearly have no idea how hard it would be to navigate along the top of a moving train, we finally get to one of the greatest scenes in the movie, as the cowboy has sat down Crystal in a car all by themselves. “Are you going to arrest me?”, she asks. You’re carrying around almost a kilo of coke, you moron. What the fuck do you think he’s going to do?

Milobar: I’m hoping for a foot massage.

Donkey: But of course, Hoover offers to avoid pressing charges and make her file disappear if she gives him the money. Which she does…and then he’s suddenly making out with her. What the fuck was that? But it’s clear by the look on her face that this isn’t something anyone should be doing.

This scene isn't awkward enough! Quick, both of you think about when you had to sleep with me to get your parts! Perfect! AND ACTION!

Milobar: She’s clearly disgusted. And yet she still lets him take her shirt off to give us all a peak at what we will forever know as “Sad Titties.”

Donkey: This is the worst type of nudity scene ever in the history of film. It clearly looks like she’s actually under duress the entire time she’s taking her shirt and bra off. There is obviously no acting involved here at all.

Milobar: She’s embarrassed and ashamed of herself. That’s so sexy.

Donkey: Once we all finish running off a batch of baby batter, we need to examine this from her point of view. It’s one thing to take your top off in a major Hollywood motion picture in the hopes that despite doing something you might find degrading, there’s a chance you might be noticed and be able to build a career out of it. But this is a goddamn Asylum movie. Other than us, there may be about a dozen other people who ever see this. So you’re putting yourself through this for absolutely nothing. And this so fucking awkward. She looks like she’s about five seconds away from bursting into tears and running off the set.

Milobar: Now that the Sad Titties have been clumsily fondled, it’s time for Middle Eastern Man to make an appearance. Who is Middle Eastern Man you ask? A more important question might be: Who the fuck cares? Because the writers of this shitty movie sure don’t. And as the tensions run high on the sexual molestation car, the movie cuts to an external shot that is quite obviously nowhere near the same train.

Donkey: I think if we actually paid attention and looked back at them all, we’d discover that every external shot in this movie is a different train. Once again we now turn back to the single white folks, as they watch Julio writhe in pain, still doing nothing themselves to actually help.

Milobar: Generic white chick, while watching Pedro Mexicano in his death throes, incredulously asks the conductor if he’s getting a doctor. We’re on a fucking train that’s IN MOTION. Do you think I have a doctor in my back pocket? Get the fuck out of here.

A Mexican Wizard?! Fuck, I've gotta switch back to injecting black tar heroin directly into my sack.

Donkey: What a great fucking scene. Goddamn this movie is entertaining. We return to Brujo the Mexican Merlin attempting to prevent the train from stopping, as we first see the engineer of the train that is…smoking crank? Fuck, what?!

Milobar: He’s toking that shit out of a light bulb. He’s all fucking angry as shit, even before the Mexican Witch Doctor shows up. Brujo, confronting his arch nemesis Retarded White Guy on Crack, jumps down and firmly asserts, “this train can’t stop!” To which Crackhead McDoogle’s response is: “wrong bitch!” At least he didn’t claim to be the Juggernaut.

Donkey: This is so fucking random, and so AWESOME. This guy’s shaking and tripping out. He takes one swing at Brujo, Brujo pulls his knife, and then without being so much as touched, the engineer just passes out on his own. And as Brujo is smashing one single piece of equipment (how exactly does he know which one to smash?), they flash a random shot of the engineer’s belt buckle, which is a badly painted picture of a puppy, and then to a photograph of him and another dude standing together without shirts on. Wait…WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? A few moments later, after the conductor discovers that the engineer is passed out with smashed equipment and tries unsuccessfully to call for help, the movie starts to ratchet up the action as the group of young punks begin to notice some of the many snakes that are on the train. As two of them are standing there looking at a snake slithering out from between two seats, the one asks the other what that is.

Milobar: What do you mean what is it? It’s a goddamn snake!

Donkey: Apparently he thinks it could be a goddamn iguana.

Milobar: How do you not know what a snake looks like? How do you confuse a snake with anything else? What goddamn country is this moron from? As the single white duo and the young punks flee to another car, they come across the babbling conductor screaming “Runaway Train!” Yeah, you said that eight times already: Fucking runaway train, we fucking get it.

Donkey: Suddenly a man-sized snake that I believe is supposed to be what Julio transformed into, attacks and kills the conductor. As the others flee in terror, one of the young punks runs into another a car all by himself, where we can assume that he meets a violent end, as we see him turn around to the sound of a snake hissing, only to see bright red food coloring splattered across a wall.

But just as the movie starts to warm up to the point where one might actually think to look for a pulse, it dies again immediately and goes straight back to hell, as it turns our attention to the Middle Eastern man, who has taken Hoover by gun point back to the same car that all the Mexicans were hiding in to begin with. The Middles Eastern dude, apparently named Barat, puts Hoover in the same cage that was used to hold the others captive with puke rope and tells him to strip so that when the others walk into the car, they’ll see how gay he is. What? Where did that come from?

Milobar: Who in their right goddamn mind is going to walk into that train car?

Donkey: Now that Barat the Middle Eastern Sensation has Hoover pinned in a cage, undressing, and has declared that he’s going to send him to Hillbilly Heaven, he moves his gun right up to Hoover’s face and fires. Of course, even from less than a foot away, he somehow manages to only shoot him in the cheek, grazing him at best. Shit, my jaw!

Milobar: Unexplained Middle Eastern Man will fuck up the way you eat breakfast, BELIEVE IT.

Donkey: As Barat saunters away, quite pleased with his obvious shortcomings, he runs into Miguel and Alma. Apparently they were cowering in a corner of the room the whole time and just weren’t noticed. That seems pretty fucking stupid, but I don’t think it would really be fair to expect any different at this point. As Barat raises his gun to take out the witnesses, Hoover slumps out of the cage and shoots Barat in the neck, who stumbles around to return fire. Hoover slumps, but you can’t be sure if that’s because he’s been shot further, or if he’s in the process of shitting his pants. Was that supposed to have hit him?

Milobar: No, I’m pretty sure that he just died of shame. I know I’m pretty fucking close. I’m seriously considering not posting this review.

Donkey: Once Barat and Hoover have finished emptying their guns and mercifully managed to kill each other, we see that they have unwittingly unleashed all of Alma’s remaining snakes.

Milobar: And Sad Titties is still just sitting in the sexual molestation car, waiting for The Groping Cowboy to make his triumphant return.

Donkey: And now that shit has really hit the fan, it’s time for a bunch of quick shots of the action. First we see Nancy, the young mother, as she tries to wake Mitch, pulling back his blankets and discovering that he’s dead and is apparently cuddling with the snake murderer. That’s just touching. But then of course, snakes attack Nancy and she’s killed. Next we cut to Summer, as she hears a shriek and discovers Crystal in a passenger car just fucking surrounded by snakes. She throws her jacket over one of the snakes and Crystal jumps over it, escaping all too easily.

Milobar: Brujo discovers that Alma is missing and that even more snakes are loose, so he runs through the train trying to gather up everything as Alma continues puking up lime Jell-O and snakes everywhere.

Donkey: And this scene just keeps going and going and going. Fuck, we get the point. He’s looking for snakes. Fast forward…

Milobar: After watching both her parents being devoured by snakes we see the little girl huddling in fear by herself.

Someone should come and find this little girl any time n....SWEET JESUS!

Donkey: Just when you think that witnessing her parents die is the worst thing that you could possibly subject this girl to, suddenly a giant snake appears and starts to devour her, with blood fucking spraying everywhere. Jesus!

Milobar: It’s basically just swallows her whole.

Donkey: And legs first at that, so that you can hear her scream in horror the entire time. That’s fucking brutal. I think that’s one of the most vicious things I’ve ever seen.

Milobar: Women screaming, a Mexican Dude covered in snakes and puking up green shit everywhere, a twenty year old girl who has been coerced into a rough tit fondling; it’s like a night out on the town with Blombo. Excellent.

Donkey: Finally the movie cuts back to Brujo discovering Miguel and Alma. He kneels by Alma to comfort her and check on her condition, only to discover that it’s too late. Alma has grown fangs for some reason and has gone past the point of no return. They start to have a rather pointless and unimaginative discussion about heaven, all the while Miguel is standing a few feet away, facing off again the giant snake that used to be Julio. He’s just hitting the snake with a frying pan over and over as it just looks at him, and taking it seemingly without complaint. This is goddamn ridiculous.

Milobar: This dude is awesome. He’s still just smacking that snake in the face. But seriously, I really want to know how much you have to pay an actress to stuff a snake in her mouth.

Donkey: Judging from this movie, not much.

Milobar: They probably pay her with a goddamn bologna and processed cheese sandwich.

Donkey: And now the movie turns into pure insanity. Alma turns into a massive snake that immediately turns on Brujo, eating him whole. Once it swallows that greasy, burrito flavored lump, it smashes out the wall of the passenger car and manages to escape outside. The next shot shows it moving along the roof of the train, and for some reason the snake is now fucking huge. The very next shot shows the snake about to attack the train and, you guessed it, the Alma snake has now grown to the size of a fucking entire fucking train. Sweet, mercifully Robert Urich! I don’t know how much more of this I can take. But just as I think that my cries for mercy have been heard, another staggeringly blow reigns down. The snake STARTS TO EAT THE FUCKING TRAIN. Beginning at the front, it just chomps away and swallows the whole thing, car by car. Screaming in terror almost as loud as our laughter, our survivors somehow realize enough about what’s going on to run through the train, heading towards the back as it’s being devoured. Once they make it to the end and open the rear exit door into the night sky, they start arguing about whether or not they can jump off the back to the ground below.

So can giant snakes digest massive metal objects? Or would this have basically killed it in 10 minutes anyways?

Milobar: The camera shot makes it look like it’s a huge drop, but it’s just a fucking train being swallowed by a giant snake. How high could it be? What the fuck am I talking about? Why would I expect this movie to start making sense now?

Donkey: I really don’t understand how high up they’re expecting us to believe that these people are. But still, they’re exclaiming no, it’s too far. They can’t do it. But finally, as the Alma snake is bearing down on them, they manage this massive leap just in time for the train to finish being consumed.

Milobar: Acting fast, the lone surviving Mexican, who spent most of the film stumbling around in the background and being useless, uses a glowing amulet to summon a fucking vortex, which sucks the snake up into the sky on a magical trip to the land of Oz.

WWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Donkey: What, are all goddamn Mexican peasants wizards? What the fuck is that? There was nothing at any point in this movie that pointed to Miguel having any kind of magical knowledge or abilities. And as we watch that giant snake soar higher and higher into the air, all I can think of is a middle class white family in Iowa, sitting down outside for a nice family picnic as a long cylindrical shadow begins to form over all of them, gradually getting larger while they stare up in complete confusion.

Milobar: The experience that is Snakes on a Train ends with the survivors standing on solemnly on the train tracks. As they wearily begin their slow walk towards safety we see a shot of Sad Titties’ leg, and we are very ominously shown that she has been bitten. As if to suggest there might be a sequel. And that’s it. That’s the end. That was fucking ridiculous.

The Verdict:

Donkey: I don’t understand this movie. It’s based on a Hollywood film with a very simple plot: a witness is on a plane, heading back to give incriminating testimony, so the criminals load that plane with poisonous snakes to make sure that he never arrives at his destination. Simple and easy to do. Compare that with this fucking ridiculous mess. A Mexican chick with a curse that causes her to puke up snakes as she gradually becomes one herself. Not only is that so fucking stupid that the film should be mandated to wear a helmet at all times, but it’s far more difficult to actually pull off. When you’re dealing with a budget that is best measured in pesos, why the fuck would you complicate your lives like that? That’s like someone seeing their neighbor make their own slingshot and deciding that you’re going to one up them by building an atomic warhead in your garage using Silly Putty, an irregular can of pineapple chunks, and love. And if you’re going to do it this way, at least make it somewhat entertaining. The first seventy minutes of this movie is absolute tedium, redeemed only by the last twenty minutes that made me laugh so hard that I almost puked coat hangers. Still, that’s a high price to pay. I give this movie three and a half handlebar mustaches out of five Mexican wizards.

Milobar: Let’s get something straight right now: people do not have fucking snakes inside of them! That statement alone is so goddamn crazy it makes me want to punch myself in the ear for listening to it. That being said, it’s hard to believe someone had the balls to write this piece of crap, let alone commit it to film. So there’s an ancient curse called ‘The Snakes’ that transforms a person’s inner organs into, well, snakes. Those snakes in turn, upon biting other people, pass on the curse and then the cycle repeats ad nauseum. I’d love to show a few people at The Asylum a graph of exponential growth because, barring the off chance that some random Mexican has a magical amulet that can send all the snakes to Utah, you’ve pretty much just fucked yourself. Although I do have to give them some credit for the titties. I’m sure it wasn’t easy convincing some random chick to take her shirt off for thirteen dollars and a granola bar. I give this one 8 awkward sexual situations out of 12 children devoured whole.

What We Learned:

Milobar: Are you fucking kidding me? What haven’t I learned from this movie? Every Mexican is a wizard. Train engineers? Crack heads. Some women are so desperate to be actors they’ll give you two thousand dollars AND let you awkwardly fondle their breasts. If you ever get cursed with ‘The Snakes’ you better have an uncle in LA or you are fucked. But most importantly, all it takes is a big heart, a little luck, and a ridiculously and conveniently placed magical amulet to save the day.

Donkey: I’ve never understood how the extreme right wing of our North American society managed to justify their fear and hatred of outsiders. Now I know. They’re apparently looking at something like this as an educational film warning us of the dangers that can rise from the south. Way to go, Asylum. For your next movie, why don’t you just try to convince everyone that Latvian immigrants are all thieving lepers who will stop at nothing to give our daughters a fatal urinary tract infection.

Don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: The THRILL of Gymnastics, the KILL of Karate, GYMKATA!

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