Donkey: There are moments in every person’s life that when looking back upon them, we realize that they have changed the way that we look at the world. Where existential lines in the sand have been crossed, from which there is no turning back. Take a quick moment now to reflect and examine any of those events that may have happened in your life. Perhaps it was the birth of your first child, the first time you took another human life, or when you first discovered that ultimate masturbation technique that had you shut away in your room for days on end, spanking it like it would eventually produce the cure for cancer. Can you think of yours? Good. Now kick whatever bullshit example you managed to come up with to the curb, because there is only one truly significant moment that can be used to categorize your very existence into one of two groups: those who have never seen Gymkata and those who have. Heed this warning now: those who are faint of heart should close their web browser now and go back to their merry little lives, where the world makes sense. For once you go further, nothing will ever be the same again. Still here? Good. Now that all the pussies are gone, let’s get back to business.
We first came across Gymkata after Milobar found it in a Top 10 list, the topic of which was the coolest conceptual movie fighting styles that couldn’t possibly be feasible in real life. Natural curiosity led him to look up the trailer for Gymkata on YouTube, and the spectacle that he bore witness to naturally led him to share it with us. It quickly became a top priority in our viewing rotation, and a copy of the film down was soon tracked down. The stage was set. Looking back now at those men that it seems almost impossible to believe that we had been with the innocent virgin brains that we carried into the film, I only wish that we had been wearing diapers. That would have made it much easier to manage the shit that the next ninety minutes of our lives was going to kick out of us.
Donkey: Gymkata is a true period piece, bordering on documentary film, examining the state of the world at the tail end of the Cold War. The year was 1985 and the US was charging full steam ahead with a bloated, all-but-technically-impossible missile defense program called Star Wars. The centerpiece of this bureaucratic waste was going to be a satellite monitoring station which could only exist if it was set up in a small, fictional country called…Parmistan? Or Permistank? No, Parmesanistan. Fuck, good enough. But this drunken, syphilitic orgy of a plan had run into one small hitch: no outsider was allowed into the country of Parmesanistan without first playing THE GAME, the ultimate test of endurance, sanity, and colon capacity. And to make matters worse, no one had actually managed to win THE GAME in over nine hundred years. And while direct military intervention seemed to be the most logical step, the US government had a better plan:
The Man: Kurt Thomas, former Olympic gymnast and sexual deviant.
The Mission: To infiltrate Parmesanistan and be the first person in nine hundred years to win THE GAME.
His Training: Two solid months, with a mild focus on martial arts and a heavy concentration on unnecessary posture and poise.
His Adversaries: Commander Zamir, fellow contestants from competing countries, the very fabric of reality upon which the universe is based.
It was a mission so brilliant that it couldn’t possibly fail. And with the weight of the free world on his dainty, midget-like shoulders, Kurt Thomas was ready to forge ahead and deliver an unnecessarily acrobatic knock out punch.
The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):
Donkey: Behold, Gymkata…one of the crown jewels of the Shitty Movie Night experience. To anyone out there reading this, I can’t recommend this movie highly enough. But if I’m successfully in lobbying for the passage of Bill C-434, then my word won’t matter as you’ll soon be mandated to watch it in teased hair and legwarmers for the true retro experience.
Milobar: I honestly believe this is the greatest shitty movie of all time. For all the readers who think Troll 2 should claim that title: fuck you, we’ve seen that movie and it’s got nothing on Gymkata.
Donkey: The movie starts with Kurt Thomas doing an uneven parallel bar routine in the dark. The movie tries to make this otherwise tedious event reassuringly dramatic with the sound of Kurt’s heart pounding as he takes to the pole, so to speak. And something tells me that Kurt is exceptionally comfortable with taking pole.
Milobar: You know, it’s really depressing that some people think this is cool. This is what Kurty Thomas has dedicated his life to; spinning around a pole. Awesome.
Donkey: Hey, this is awesome. It’s the majesty of sport combined with mastering control of one’s body, mixed with the grace of…yeah, fuck it. I couldn’t give a shit less either. The movie switches its focus between Kurt’s routine and events that are presumably happening at the same time. We’re introduced to the badass of all badasses, Commander Zamir, chasing down whom we will later discover is Kurt Thomas’ father.
Milobar: I don’t know about you, but from here on I am going to refer to Zamir as CheeseSteak Jefferson.
Donkey: Let it be done.
Milobar: And his band of merry ninjas.
Donkey: Old Man Thomas, who is wearing some outstanding green jogging pants, reaches a ravine with a series of ropes stretching across it. With CheeseSteak Jefferson in pursuit, he wastes no time in jumping out and attempting to scramble across one of the ropes.
Milobar: CheeseSteak Jefferson, magically appearing in front of the old coot on the other side of the chasm, lines up and lets fly with an arrow from about four feet away.
Donkey: Old Man Thomas screams in agony and falls. And with his dramatic demise, the movie turns back to watching Kurt Thomas continue his routine in the dark. I’ve never seen a gymnastic routine done in the dark before, and that seems like an inherently flawed premise to me. But before we can contemplate what the fuck that is all about, Kurt mercifully dismounts.
Milobar: Freeze frame: Kurt Thomas! And we discover that he was doing his routine in some random high school gymnasium.
Donkey: He runs down beside what are clearly high school bleachers, where he’s surrounded by all of twenty fans. What a superstar! But before this adoring crowd can demand too many autographs or sexual favors, Kurt is led away by a government agent named Paley, who was waiting patiently for him.
Moments later we see Kurt at a mountain hideout, being briefed by Paley on what is to be the premise of the entire film. The scene and the conversation starts exactly like this:
Kurt: “I remember all the hours dad and I spent out there.”
Paley: “Did you like it?”
Paley: “Good, because for the next two months you’re going to toughen your mind and your body. It’s going to make your Olympic training look like finger painting. Those men among others out there will train you. Any Questions?”
Milobar: Actually, I’m pretty sure his Olympic training makes his Olympic training look like finger painting. You have no questions? Well I have a lot of goddamn questions, asshole. Primarily: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Donkey: Paley then shows Kurt a picture of a man known as the Kahn, the King of Parmesanistan and asks him if he knows who he is. Kurt explains that he’s indeed the Kahn, King of Parmesanistan, a tiny nation in the Hindu-Kush range.
Milobar: Why the fuck would Kurt know any of that?
Donkey: Apparently gymnasts with shitty mullets are extremely well versed in the global socio-political landscape. Next, Kurt acknowledges that he doesn’t recognize CheeseSteak Jefferson when shown a picture of him, so Paley explains that he’s the leader of the Kahn’s army and that he “intends to sell the country to the other side.” What other side? What the fuck are you two talking about?
Milobar: Paley goes on to explain that they want a Star Wars satellite station inside Parmesanistan so that they can monitor every other satellite in the world. That doesn’t even come close to making sense. Do you understand how satellites fucking work? THEY’RE IN SPACE!
Donkey: I think it’s pretty clear that Parmesanistan occupies the exact center of space and time.
Milobar: And there’s also no way to get into Permesanistan except to play…THE GAME. What game? Rumoli?
Donkey: I’m actually hoping it’s Tetherball, so that we can watch this midget squirm. But it gets more complicated, as no outsider has won THE GAME in over nine hundred years. And the glorious reward for winning THE GAME is twofold: your life, and having one request granted. That’s pretty fucking stupid. What if that one request is to rule Permesanistan? Or to be given trillions of dollars, which is more than any small nation like this could possibly have in the 80′s?
Milobar: I think my one request would be to punch Kurt Thomas in the face. Time to introduce a marginally attractive woman into the mix! Enter the Princess of Parmesanistan: Karamabala, or something. Despite the fact that no outsider has been inside Parmesanistan for nine hundred years, somehow they got her out of the country. How did they contact her? This movie is very quickly going from semi-retard to full blown retard.
Donkey: After a brief introduction, during which Pricess Rubali ties up Kurt quite gracelessly and gives him a pathetic karate chop to the back of the head, all to prove the point that he shouldn’t trust anyone, Kurt’s training officially begins. Bring on the montage! It starts with Kurt trying to walk up a flight of stairs while doing a handstand, only to fail on the second step. Then it moves right along to hand-to-hand combat with some black dude. That’s quite the segway.
Milobar: No man’s training is complete without a black dude in a poorly fitted sweat suit.
Donkey: That sweat suit is way too fucking tight. I should not be able to see his genital warts that easily. This black guy and an Asian man are Kurt’s two trainers, and he starts by giving Kurt a sound beating. Next it’s the Asian guy’s turn.
Milobar: The Asian dude is just sitting there with a hawk on his wrist. I love that fucking hawk.
Donkey: There’s absolutely no reason why it should be there. This doesn’t come into play, it’s not discussed, and it’s not a plot point. He’s just sitting there with a hawk, babbling about how “the air has a lot to say to you” while Kurt chops wood. What the fuck kind of training is this? Next we see Kurt back in the black guy’s hands, running along behind while the black guy trots along on a horse.
Milobar: “You’ve gotta out quick ‘em!” What does “out quick ‘em” mean? Kurt replies with, “I know I’ll out sleep them!” Ha ha! This movie delivers a million laughs a minute!
Donkey: Shit, I’ll say. This movie is like a comedy vortex. When it means to be funny, it’s as terrible as cracking a five pound fart while giving a eulogy. When it means to be serious, it’s more hilarious than a clown getting caught in a woodchipper. It keeps spinning me around so quickly that I’m losing my bearings. Again we see Kurt trying to walk up the same set of stairs on his hands. Why do they keep coming back to this, like it’s in some way important or even impressive!? How is this an applicable skill? When are you going to ever use this?
Milobar: There’s a lot of upside down stairs in Parmesanistan. “Other countries are training their best men now to defeat you!” As we’ll learn later, by other countries Paley means Japan, because aside from the one Japanese dude everyone else playing THE GAME is an American.
Donkey: As Kurt dangles from a set of rope monkeybars, he pines over the princess while Paley is trying to discuss the task at hand. So Paley starts giving Kurt background information on her instead. Apparently her mother was Indonesian. What? How does that work? How the hell did her mother get into the country then, if no one can get in without playing THE GAME and no one has won THE GAME in nine hundred years?
With that little nugget of bafflement shared, it goes back to Kurt trying on the stairs again and this time he succeeds in making it all the way up. But goddamn is it difficult to watch. As he comes up the stairs and gets closer and closer to the camera…there it is. Nothing but taint.
Milobar: TAINT SHOT!
Donkey: Fuck, that’s just disgusting. Could it get any worse? Oh God, it did! As he passes the camera and continues up the stairs, he almost falls, causing his hips to drop in the camera’s direction before he rights himself, which creates a shot where we get to see his goddamn ballsack. FUCK. While I go spend the next ten minutes puking up marmalade and rubber bands, the movie switches to a tender moment between Kurt and the Princess, where Kurt sets his charm-phaser to ‘mind fuck’.
Milobar: Kurty tries to have a conversation with the Princess but she won’t talk to him. So he does this ridiculous back flip where he spins around in the air and then tries to imitate her very poorly, after which he does another back flip to continue the conversation as himself, and so on. He does this three or four more times, but it feels like seven or eight dozen.
Donkey: What asshole found this impressive? This is only accomplishing two things. First, those flips are going to make me cry. Seriously, that shit is creeping me right out. Second, when he’s standing facing away from the camera and pretending to be her talking, we get to see how shitty that little faux mullet of his truly is. This guy actually manages to look even dumber with his back turned than he does when he’s facing you.
Milobar: Those flips just make me want to punch him in the balls.
Since his training is coming to an end, I’d just like to take a moment to reflect on one major theme that we’ve seen so far. This movie, like so many others, makes it seem like you can be a black belt in any martial art if you go through a semi-intense weekend seminar…and that’s about it. Come on, people. This takes years of dedication to master. What the fuck does anyone think he can actually learn in two months?
Milobar: Apparently not acting skills. Oh…uh..yeah…uh uh uh….yeah…uuuhhh…yeah.
Donkey: We get to hear fantastic, overly exaggerated sounds of pleasure as Kurty gets a back rub from the Princess. After grunting like a fucking baboon, he rolls over and takes the Princess into his bed so that she can play the ‘Seriously, it’s already in?’ game. Ewww…
Milobar: You know, she still hasn’t said anything, has she?
Donkey: Nope, not a word. And that’s what makes their relationship so special. Remember ladies, if you want to be considered attractive, keep your goddamn mouths shut. Oh, and baking. Lots of baking. Pies ain’t going to make their way into my mouth by themselves, you know.
Milobar: After the shame that is Kurty’s version of the horizontal mommy daddy dance, they show up in Karabal, on the Caspian Sea, to meet up with Mackle, their Middle Eastern contact. The only reason I even know any of that is because they say “Karabal, on the Caspian Sea” about fifty fucking times.
Donkey: He takes them to “the salt mine” that’s apparently acting as their base of operations, which appears to just be a warehouse full of salt with a couple of peasants running a rake through it. Sure, I guess a warehouse in the middle of a city is the same thing as a mine. Why not just call it a ski resort while we’re at it? Now that Mackle has them back at his parched fortress, he starts to discuss getting Kurt and the Princess into Parmesanistan and what that will entail.
Milobar: Since guns are outlawed in Parmesanistan they decide to outfit Dirty Kurty with a hatchet that can chop a steel bar in half… and a spring-loaded exacto blade shooter? This is the worst poor man’s version of of a “James Bond getting introduced to his new gadgets” scene I think I have ever witnessed. The best part about these dumb fucking gadgets? Never once are they seen or mentioned again in this movie.
Donkey: Since they’re told they have the night to themselves before leaving in the morning, Kurt ‘The Big Hurt’ Thomas and the Princess take to the local market, as Kurt sports one of the ugliest sweatshirts I’ve ever seen. Goddamn. His grandmother must have given him that as punishment for being an abject failure.
Milobar: What a great time. They’re running from vendor to vendor, looking at shitty knick knacks! This is my nightmare of a relationship. Just walking around and looking at shit that nobody wants or needs and discussing how great it would look on the mantle at home! Some random dude, who obviously agrees that this ridiculous garbage has gone on long enough, throws a drink on Kurty Thomas. Kurty, remembering that his karate should only be used for self defense, flies in to full testosterone induced KILLSHITFUCK until one of his guards stops him claiming, “there’s just some anti-American sentiment around here…HHHGGGNNN!!!”
Donkey: Suddenly that bodyguard gets shot in the chest with an arrow that comes from fucking nowhere. Kurt Thomas wastes no time, leaving the man to die and running down a side alley so that he can put his incredibly terrible gymnastic-karate skills to use as he leaps around for no reason whatsoever, throwing only a single attack per forty seven flips.
Milobar: These dudes he is fighting just fall over, even when he hasn’t hit them at all. And of course, after clumsily defeating these morons, he runs back to the market to find bodyguard number two hatcheted in the chest. The Princess and the two dozen street vendors? Nowhere to be found. He was gone for 30 seconds for fucks sake, where did all these assholes go?
Donkey: Kurt rushes back to the Mackle’s salty abode to report that he was attacked by…um…disgruntled curio vendors? Oh, and that the Princess has been kidnapped. Mackle spouts out something about CheeseSteak Jefferson exerting his power. I’m not even really sure what’s going on right now, let alone why.
Milobar: Obviously CheeseSteak Jefferson is a very powerful man that’s able to influence things from hundreds of miles away, but Kurt Thomas promises, “not for long…because I’m going to kill him”. I didn’t realize gymnasts could so easily shift gears from “spinning around on a bar” to “I’m going to kill someone” in 3 seconds flat.
Donkey: It’s apparently pretty easy to become a cocky killing machine. And in two months at that, baby.
Milobar: I don’t think Kurty really understands how hard it is to work up the nerve to kill someone.
Donkey: The movie transitions to the next day, where Kurt is still in that ridiculous goddamn sweatshirt and he’s trying to infiltrate the terrorist training camp where they’re supposedly holding the Princess.
Milobar: But of course, much like the greatest human fighter that has ever lived being defeated by a ladder, Kurty is defeated by a door.
Donkey: That’s right, once again a locked door has completely fucked up our hero. What is it with white guys recruited by the US government and doors? But I guess that’s the sign of a great movie. Unfortunately his ham-fisted efforts to infiltrate the safehouse don’t go unnoticed, as random henchmen start pouring out of the woodwork.
Milobar: And then he’s chased around by a bunch of middle-aged dudes in suits with bowler hats on. What?
Donkey: As he turns a corner, Kurt notices a metal bar several feet above his head, running across the alley from one wall to the other, so he jumps up and starts his uneven parallel bars routine.
Milobar: He’s just swinging around, over and over, until a dude comes around the corner and gets kicked in the face.
Donkey: These dudes continue to come around the corner one by one, only to be kicked in the face and knocked out. Even when he misses one of them, he just keeps spinning around and around on that bar until the guy eventually comes back to get the predictable kick in the face that a blind man could have seen coming. To lay one final chocolate banana on this shit sundae, some poor bastard on a bike comes around the corner and gets kicked in the piehole as well. They even draw specific attention to this, having Kurt stop and apologize, asking if the dude is okay. Wait, what the fuck was the point of him knocking out a random bystander? Why was it even in there? Is this a blooper reel outtake that someone forgot to take out?
Milobar: Kurt finally makes it into the terrorist training camp and runs into this one-eyed axe man who is oddly creepy for a movie that has been so comical up until this point.
Donkey: He gets half way up a stair case and with this dude just around the corner, Kurt stops to look behind himself dramatically for about fifteen seconds. Then he moves up the last five steps so that they can finally confront one another. What the fuck were you just looking back at?! THERE’S A DUDE WITH AN AXE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! Pay attention!
Milobar: Why was one eye guy coming down the stairs so slowly? If I was that dude, I would have totally swung at Kurt while he wasn’t looking.
Donkey: Fuck yes. After a rather unremarkable action sequence, our gymnast protagonist manages to rescue the Princess and they escape the shitty building that they call a terrorist training camp. It doesn’t appear like they had much of a plan past that, though, because they spend the next ten minutes just running down random streets and alleys.
Milobar: There’s actually scenes where they end up running down the same alley but they’re shot from a different angle to make it look like a different location. But they’re not.
Donkey: And there’s no reason to keep this going for this long. Fuck, we get it.
Milobar: They’re just running with no dialogue, as there’s shitty music playing. And all they do is run, a dude shoots at them and misses, so they run down a different alley, another dude shoots at them and misses, over and over and over. Fuck, you can’t dodge machine gun fire like that forever. Eventually one of those bullets is going to catch up to you.
Donkey: Near the end of this painful sequence, random cops that just happen to show up and shoot one of the henchman in the back as he’s trying to fire on our heroes. But this henchman doesn’t just fall dead, as apparently they couldn’t afford stuntmen. Instead he slowly lowers himself to his knees, then slumps down while firing his rifle in the air. It’s more like an elderly uncle humoring young children while playing with them than it is like a man actually dying from being shot. That’s the worst example of pretending to die that I’ve ever seen.
Milobar: Finally they manage to make their way back to Mackle, only to discover that he’s betrayed them. But just as he’s about to eliminate Kurt and the Princess, Paley steps out of the darkness and guns Mackle down. Why the hell was Paley there?
Donkey: With absolutely no explanation as to why the hell Mackle betrayed them, the movie carries on to the next morning and the beginning of their long trek into Parmesanistan.
Milobar: First on mules, over the mountains. Seriously? You couldn’t at least air lift them to the border?
Donkey: Kurt ‘The Squirt’ Thomas riding a donkey really highlights the fact that this man has got to be about four feet tall. That donkey looks like a Clydesdale with him on its back.
Milobar: Kurt Thomas Riding A Donkey…yet another excellent name for a band. After the mules, we get a fucking whitewater rafting scene where they show a shot of the raft in the rapids from so far away that it’s impossible to make out who the two people in the raft are. Well, it’s almost impossible since the only thing that’s clear is that it’s definitely not the two of them.
Donkey: They intersperse the distant shots of the raft making its way through real rapids with close up shots of the two of them, trying to make you believe that Kurt and the Princess are actually in that river. But those shot are looking up from below waist level, so that you can see part of the raft, their torsos, and the sky above them, but not the kiddy pool that they’re actually sitting in.
Milobar: Not to mention the dude who’s lifting the raft up and down to simulate the rapids, and the other one throwing water at them. Once they make it to the shore, they’re greeted by the black robed ninjas of Parmesanistan. I love how in the 80′s, ninjas were the random thugs of any movie. They’re a dime of dozen.
Donkey: None of these movies seem to understand that real ninjas were assassins, not happy-go-lucky heroes or random thugs. These were ruthless, trained killers.
Milobar: It appears that these ninjas aren’t particularly happy to be escorting Kurty to THE GAME.
Donkey: Time for more tumble-fighting! Kurt runs into a group of them and begins another series of unnecessary and incredibly ineffective flips, jumps, and rolls.
Milobar: None of which has anything to do with fighting.
Donkey: Will Farrell’s floor routine in Old School is actually closer to martial arts than this. At one point Kurt Thomas literally sits down on his ass, two guys approach him from behind, and he does a splits kick over his shoulders to kick them both in the face at once. He then crab-walks over to another dude and kicks him in the face. This is ridiculous. Finally he gets clubbed from behind, only to wake up in a bed and find himself being nursed by an old hag with few teeth and no tongue. As Kurt seriously considers stuffing his penis into a festering pool of gingivitis, CheeseSteak enters the room to introduce himself. I’m Commander Zamir, but you can call me….CheeseSteak Jefferson. CheeseSteak informs us that he’s been sent to welcome Kurt to the country of Parmesanistan.
Milobar: I’ve been sent to welcome this movie to the bargain bin. Obviously using the same logic as every episode of star trek, everyone in Parmesanistan speaks fluent English.
Donkey: With no accent, at that. As CheeseSteak Jefferson goes to leave, Kurt lays back down in the bed and the tongue-less hag begins trying to caress him again. For a moment he looks like he’s going to object, but then just decides to lay back down while she looks like she’s about to give him a hummer.
Milobar: He didn’t really resist very much.
Donkey: You gotta toss that JimmyJuice somewhere, my man. Just close your eyes and think of Christmas.
Milobar: Hey, no tongue! ZING!
Donkey: Later the movie shows the Kahn, who of course is the father of Princess Rubali, as he shows Kurt and his fellow contestants the route that they’ll be taking during THE GAME using a small and poorly constructed model. I suspect the crew of this film had a little competition to see whose kid could make the most uninspired model possible using only their feet.
Milobar: Now that he’s explained it, this just doesn’t seem like a very difficult competition: run through a field until you get to a cliff with some ropes, climb to the top, run until you get to a series of ropes over a ravine, climb across, run through another field until you get to the City of the Damned, pass through the city and that’s it. You’re done! Admittedly, the City of the Damned is pretty fucked up, but this is what no one else has ever been able to accomplish?
Donkey: It especially doesn’t seem hard enough to warrant the fact that no one has completed it in nine hundred years.
Milobar: Exactly. I could understand if CheeseSteak Jefferson was running around killing everyone all the time. But he ain’t nine hundred years old.
Donkey: As a warm up the day before THE GAME is supposed to begin, three convicts are given the option of running through the obstacle course to earn their freedom. And as Kurt and all the real contestants are hovering around starting line, watching the prisoners get ready for the Convict Dash to begin, Kurt asks one of his fellow runners if Thorg is going to make it for this thing. How the fuck does he know whom this Thorg guy is ahead of time?
Milobar: Who the hell is Thorg? Was a minor dose of background information not in the movie budget? Of course, none of that matters to the peasants gathered to cheer on THE GAME. The biggest thrill in their pathetic dirt hovel lives is watching these three convicts.
Donkey: It seems like it wouldn’t be that entertaining for them. They get to watch the contestants of THE GAME run out of the castle and then just trust it’s the truth when they’re told what happens later. It’s not like they’re all in a bar, gathering around a big screen television and watching the action for themselves on a closed circuit broadcast.
Milobar: They get reports back later that people have been killed and that’s it. For all they know it’s just three non-union extras wearing ridiculously obvious fake beards.
Donkey: It’s especially confusing once you remind yourself that no one has won this contest in nine hundred years. So not only do these people not get to see any of the action, but there isn’t exactly any mystery as to how it’s going to turn out either. There’s no suspense whatsoever. It’s not like no one has won it in five or ten years, or even a generation. No one was won it over multiple generations.
Milobar: It would be like buying a lottery ticket every week, when nobody has won for nine hundred years. “This week is the week! I can feel it in me bones!”
As they race through the course, one of the convicts lags behind only to have one of the black robed ninjas run up behind him and nonchalantly stab him with a spear. The remaining convicts make it to the cliff wall and begin to climb the ropes to the top. A black robed ninja suddenly opens fire and kills one of the convicts with an arrow, for which he, at CheeseSteak’s command, is immediately killed by another ninja. CheeseSteak Jefferson explains that this is because the first ninja broke the rules, attacking a player when he was considered to technically be on another field of battle. They are only allowed to attack players who are on the same field of battle. For that indiscretion and lack of respect for the rules, the second ninja had to be killed. That’s so goddamn dumb I don’t even want to think about it.
Donkey: The final convict, having successfully scaled the cliff, arrives at the ravine where he must climb across using another rope. The camera looks down and we see that it’s a steep drop of sheer rock face that comes to an end with a jagged rocks and raging river. As the contestant is making his way across, one of the black robed ninjas in CheeseSteak Jefferson’s troupe climbs out onto a rope himself and positions himself so that he can shoot arrows while hanging there. This sets up the greatest one-two punch of awesomeness the world has seen to date:
As you can probably imagine, the ninja hanging on the rope shoots and hits the convict. The arrow lands in the convict’s side, right in the rib cage. The convict shrieks and let’s go of his rope with one hand, so that he is only hanging onto the rope by the other hand. As he dangles there, however, his body slowly begins to rotate while the arrow stays in place. In other words, this is PAINFULLY obvious evidence that the arrow is attached to his shirt, and not actually puncturing his rib cage. But just as our laughter erupts, the convict matches the noise with a scream as he lets go of the rope, falling to his doom. And as the camera shot changes to one looking down at the ravine’s floor to bear witness to the convict’s demise, we see the body falling and slamming into the rocks. While that sounds all good in theory, the problem is that once again it is PAINFULLY obvious that the convict has been replaced with a dummy, as neither the posture while falling or the way that it impacts the ground looks like it could possibly be an actual human being. It couldn’t look any fucking dumber if they had decided to film a teddy bear falling instead.
Milobar: As will become very important later, I would like to point out that there are no fucking trees in this ravine. Before THE GAME starts for the real contestants the next day, they need to throw a giant feast, complete with jesters, music, dudes sticking pins in their faces, and ninjas playing some kind of game that involves catching each other in nets. All the while, CheeseSteak Jefferson watches on, bare-chested. Are you sure we didn’t jump ahead to the part of the movie that takes place in Insano Town?
Donkey: Kurt has chosen to sulk in the corner of the long head table where all the contestants are seated, gazing over at the Princess like a pouting prepubescent girl looking for attention. Suddenly everyone applauds the arrival of the Kahn.
Milobar: As everyone retakes their seats, Kurty Thomas asks the Kahn if he knows what happened to Kurty Thomas Senior.
Donkey: The Kahn apologizes, but explains that his father was not victorious. No shit. Really? That seems pretty obvious, as otherwise they wouldn’t still be saying that it had been nine hundred years since they last had a winner.
Milobar: A few moments later, the Kahn announces that the Princess and CheeseSteak Jefferson are entering into an arranged marriage. Proving suddenly that the Princess is actually a dude because CheeseSteak is very obviously full blown gay.
Donkey: Meanwhile, Kurt Thomas is still sitting in the corner, desperately trying to get the Princess’s attention. That’s definitely the position you want to put yourself into just as you’re about to enter a competition where you are the prey: make sure that CheeseSteak Jefferson knows that you banged his wife-to-be. That’s some good thinking there, Kurty-Boy.
Milobar: Thorg, the man that Kurt had inquired about earlier, finally arrives to the applause of all. Kurty Thomas tries to get Thorg’s attention, telling Thorg that “I’ve admired you since Munich” while trying to shake hands, but is completely ignored. Which is pretty much exactly what I would do if this douche tried to talk to me on the street.
Donkey: What the fuck did this Thorg guy do in Munich? Seriously, who the hell is this guy?
Milobar: Kurt goes back to sulking in the corner, lifting a glass a wine to his mouth that he is very obviously not actually sipping from.
Donkey: Since Kurt’s jealousy is burning so brightly that you wonder if he’s about to super nova, CheeseSteak Jefferson finally takes notice. He gets up and removes his robe, pulling out a couple of Sias. He then goes into an elaborate kata, spinning them all around.
Milobar: To finish, he throws both of them at Kurty and they stab into the wall right beside him. Kurt doesn’t move at all. I’m guessing that his heart has finally stopped pumping blood to his brain in a desperate attempt to stop this train wreck of a movie.
Donkey: As much as it may sound impressive that he doesn’t flinch, he’s actually unable to move because it’s a freeze-frame shot of Kurt Thomas that those Sias stab into the wall next to. Fuck, that looked like a dickcheese sandwich.
Later, in the wee hours of the night while anyone competing in a major competition with the slightest bit of commonsense would be sleeping, Kurt takes his tongue-less hag servant hostage by putting a knife to her throat, and makes her take him to see the Princess.
Milobar: She takes him to the Princess’s quarters, where Kurt hands her the knife, assures her that he won’t hurt her, and asks her to tell the Princess to meet him in the garden. Why the fuck didn’t he just ask her that in the first place? What was the point of taking her hostage?
Donkey: And how the fuck is she going to tell the Princess to meet him in the garden WHEN SHE HAS NO FUCKING TONGUE? But regardless, once they’re in the garden together, the Princess explains to Kurt that her father, the Kahn, will announce his plans tomorrow after THE GAME to combine the best of the old world with the best of the new world and usher in a new age for Parmesanistan. But to stop this, CheeseSteak Jefferson “is going to make sure that THE GAME is so deadly that no one shall survive”. Hold the phone, sweetheart. Wasn’t that the point in the first place? No one has survived the game in nine hundred years, so why the hell would you think that was going to change tomorrow? Why would you possibly plan on that incredibly likely event not occurring?
Milobar: Just then the two of them are discovered and two rogue ninjas come to chase the Princess. Kurt comes flipping in from behind them and, even though he lands in a way that couldn’t possibly kick them, both ninjas fall down unconscious. This movie is a perfect example of how, in the 80′s, people thought that anyone who knew a martial art was Superman. Catch bullets, piss gasoline, or fart nuclear explosions. All in a days work for someone who spent two months being sexually molested by a couple of dudes that were supposed to be teaching him Karate.
Donkey: Yachmalla! It’s finally the race day, and all of our contestants line up in the town’s square along a rope that’s being held up by two robed ninjas.
Milobar: The Kahn keeps yelling yachmalla, which I’m pretty sure translates to “I’m going to fuck all of you in the ass!” As everyone is preparing to start, CheeseSteak Jefferson makes a very odd threat.
Donkey: He leans in and says to Kurty-Pants that the Princess was out last night, and that he knows somebody else was with her. Then he randomly says “death becomes you”. That’s it? Is that a threat, or a compliment?
Milobar: Who the fuck cares? I think this movie is almost over! Let THE GAME begin!
Donkey: The starting rope drops and all of the contestants begin their dash. After only a few feet, Thorg takes a moment to knock Kurt to the ground and kick him in the face. Thank you, Thorg. But seeing him running, I’m rather confused as to why everyone is treating Thorg like he’s the favorite contestant. He’s a pretty big guy, and while he looks strong enough, he doesn’t even look like he is capable of running down a supermarket snack aisle for the last bag of Cheetos without getting winded.
Milobar: As seen with the convicts the day before, the race starts with the contestants running through a cornfield, which is also supposed to be a swamp. Kurt stops in the middle for a while, probably to play with his own very special cornhole.
Donkey: I could have sworn that the last guy who took his time in here like this was killed almost immediately. This doesn’t look like a good start for Kurt. And as he’s taking his time, CheeseSteak Jefferson and the gang are all looking for him.
Milobar: How do they even know that they need to search in there?
Donkey: Why are they specifically looking for him? Last that I checked, this was a race with multiple contestants. Sure, I realize that CheeseSteak probably has a hard-on to kill Kurty first, but there’s no need to focus on that right away. There will be plenty of time to kill him. Kurt’s finally spotted, but dashes away in time and eventually catches up to the other contestants as they reach the first cliff wall and begin climbing up the ropes.
Milobar: He’s climbing using just his hands, keeping his legs spread out. That seems like unnecessary showing off, but I guess that’s no worse that doing back flips to simulate a conversation for no reason.
Donkey: A fellow contestant just slightly further up the ropes than Kurt suddenly gets hit with two arrows and plummets to his death. On no! CheeseSteak’s not playing by the rules! But in the tradition of excellence in special effects that this movie is fast establishing, those arrows clearly struck a blatant and rather large pad that the contestant was wearing on his back.
Milobar: The ninjas decide their first attack didn’t work out very well, even though it did, and so they give up on shooting arrows and instead decide to light the rope that Kurt is climbing on fire. At least Kurt and the rope will finally having matching outfits: they’ll both be flaming. Of course, Kurt manages to get to the top before the fire catches up with him and, once again, CheeseSteak Jefferson is defeated.
Donkey: That was clearly a much better idea than shooting arrows. Much more effective. Why not just try to pee up at him and hope that he gets grossed out enough to fall?
Milobar: Fuck, you could have thrown bananas at Kurt while he was climbing and that would have been a better idea than lighting the rope on fire.
Donkey: Kurt gets to the top and, in frustration, turns to the random ninja that’s standing stationary with a flag to serve as a guide marker and yells that they broke the rules, demanding that this ninja kill them. Really? Did he honestly expect that to work?
Milobar: Kurt runs on and passes another contestant who is limping along. Of course moments later, the black ninjas catch up and toss a spear, eliminating yet another contestant. Thank your lucky stars that your part in this movie is over, dude.
Donkey: Moments later, the pack has reached the second obstacle: the ravine. Such great things have happened here already that I can barely wait to see what they come up with.
Milobar: As the first batch get across, one of the flag bearing ninjas that is waiting for them on the other end of the ropes decides to slice one of the contestants with a sword, sending another innocent stunt dummy to his death in the ravine.
Donkey: Why the hell did he decide to pick that guy off? Thorg and two other contestants just went past, and Kurt is still behind all of them. So it’s not like he was either going too fast or lagging too far behind. He was literally in the middle, so it was completely arbitrary.
Milobar: CheeseSteak Jefferson shows up as Kurt is trying to make his way across the ropes. He takes an unnecessarily large sword from one of his ninjas and cuts the rope that Kurt is climbing across. Slow Motion Ninja Chop!
Donkey: Of course, he decides to cut the rope when Kurt is almost all the way across, while they are standing back on the opposite side. So predictably, since they’ve cut the damn thing at the wrong end, Kurt just hangs onto the rope as he swings down about three feet to the ravine’s rock wall and then climbs his way up. As he gets to the top, the same ninja that killed the previous contestant attacks him, only to have Kurt neutralize him with a kick to the face. If this asshole was going to attack, why didn’t CheeseSteak Jefferson just get him to cut that the rope from that side? That would have made a lot more goddamn sense, as even if he hadn’t fallen, he still would have no way of getting back across without climbing up to the beginning and coming face to face with CheeseSteak and the Black Pajama Mafia. This is yet another pathetic attempt to kill him when they’ve normally used much more brutal methods on someone else.
Milobar: Next we see the two leaders of the pack as Thorg catches up with the lone Asian contestant. Thorg has decided that it’s time to fuck up Tokyo.
Donkey: Since it doesn’t have a modern day pixie jumping around ridiculously, this fight scene is actually rather mundane. But I’d like to take a moment to point out the ridiculousness of its motivations. Thorg is the only douche in this entire ordeal who’s more concerned about killing his competition than actually finishing THE GAME himself and that doesn’t make any goddamn sense. When no one has completed THE GAME in nine hundred years, doesn’t it seem kind of obvious that the death of your competition will very likely take care of itself, between the army of ninjas chasing you and the natural obstacles that you face? Shouldn’t you just be more concerned about surviving?
Milobar: If anything, you’d think that you’d want to keep these people around in the competition as fodder.
Donkey: Shit yeah. Moments after the fight concludes, Kurt Thomas catches up to them and discovers the Asian player’s body, checking and confirming that he’s dead. Kurt looks up and sees Thorg up ahead and they exchange a challenging look. I refer to it as challenging just because it’s honestly a challenge to believe that Kurty-Chops here could intimidate anyone. And I’m not really sure why Kurt would give a shit that this random guy was killed, especially since he spent so much time drooling over Thorg earlier. Once that moment is done, Thorg runs on. Of course, if it’s his policy to take on all of his opponents and kill them right away, I’m not really sure why Thorg didn’t just come back and strangle this useless garden gnome, but whatever…
Milobar: Thorg just don’t roll what way. Thorg kills one man at a time. Gotta let the killing batteries recharge.
Donkey: Apparently they recharge quickly because once Kurt climbs up the same incline, he finds himself squared off against Thorg. A brief battle ensues that only proves to highlight how terribly overmatched Kurt and his meager skills are. Gradually realizing his own uselessness, Kurt instead employs deception. As he notices a random black robed ninja with a bow and arrow that is stalking around behind him, Kurt moves around to keep himself between the shooter and Thorg. And just as the arrow flies, Kurt ducks, causing Thorg to be hit squarely in the heart. In the obvious frustration that would come with realizing that you’ve been outsmarted by a Chia Pet, Thorg snaps the shaft of the arrow off before he falls to the ground. Could this be the end of Thorg? Does it matter? Does anyone even remotely care?
Milobar: Uh oh. By now CheeseSteak Jefferson and all the others have arrived. CheeseSteak snaps his fingers…arrows everywhere! Hide behind a tree!
Donkey: CheeseSteak Jefferson and his band of merry ninjas send a volley of arrows in Kurt’s direction. He steps behind a tree, the movie then clearly cuts (obviously to a shot where Kurt isn’t actually behind the tree), the arrows rain down and pepper the area, the movie clearly cuts again, and Kurt then steps out from behind the tree.
Milobar: Since every ninja only carries one arrow, Kurty runs on and now it’s time for him to face…the Village of the Damned! That’s where this country sends all of it’s criminally insane to breed and create the ultimate killing machine.
Donkey: It’s all Crazy Town up in here. I’m waiting for a shitty band to pop up and start singing Butterfly. On a more serious note, I’m genuinely curious as to how a country this small ends up with a town of crazies this fucking large. This has got to easily be about thirty percent of their population.
Milobar: And when they’re talking about criminally insane, they’re not fucking around. This city is fucking NUTS.
Donkey: The next twenty minutes or so can only truly be described as ‘pure insanity puked up onto film’. This is almost beyond description. It’s going to push us to the very modest limits of our literary skills. It starts as Kurt Thomas wanders in and a gate closes behind him, locking him in. That’s ominous, but not nearly as much as it should be. You really have no idea what you’re in for, Kurt.
Milobar: How do they make sure that all these crazy people stay here? There are no guards. The door was wide open for Kurt to wander in.
Donkey: That’s a damn fine question. As Kurt strolls along, the sound effects don’t appear to be affecting him but they’re threatening to karate chop my brain. It’s the wavering sound of random people cackling and wailing in the background….
Milobar: I’m pretty sure those wails are coming from the mothers of the actors in this movie. Kurt passes by a dude sharpening a scythe, who looks at Kurty like he wants a little of The Sex.
Donkey: Who can blame him? Kurt is a very pretty man.
Milobar: As he continues on, Kurt tries to open a door and rolls out of the way just in time as a random wall of spikes flips down to smash into the top half of the door.
Donkey: That’s quite the fucking trap. Since this is a town of crazy motherfuckers, it seems like that trap should have at least one or two of them stuck in it. And the soundtrack continues to kick it up a notch, as we hear the sound of…chipmunks laughing? Simon? Alvin? Theodore?
Milobar: I think someone is just playing a bad NES game with the volume cranked way too loud.
Donkey: Suddenly a crazy man jumps into the frame and attacks Kurt Thomas with a small sickle.
Milobar: As Kurt defends himself, he pushes the dude against the wall. The crazy dude grabs a pipe running down along the wall with his free hand, and then rather than just letting go, he uses the sickle in his other hand to chop this one off at the wrist. The bastard then just stumbles away, clutching his stump as he leaves his severed hand behind. And this is where the real crazy begins.
Donkey: Kurt Thomas starts wandering around faster now, and things are just getting more and more batshit insane. He sees a dog lapping at a puddle of blood, then one of the other contestants, dead with wooden stakes stabbed into him and a pitch fork protruding from his face. A group of men suddenly attacks and one of them looks like he might have actually stabbed Kurt in the back, but Kurt just turns and punches that one dude in the face, which somehow causes all six of them to fall.
Milobar: Some random sixty year old dude jumps from a roof and tries to tackle Kurt, only to have his ass kicked. Fuck, I wish I could visit this city. The Village of the Damned? The Village of the Damned Fucking Awesome! And now another long scene with no dialogue.
Donkey: Just crazy sights and fucking insane sounds.
Milobar: Kurt opens a door to a random building and reveals Thorg, who’s bleeding from the broken arrow still embedded in his chest. Dodging that danger, Kurt quickly runs away. As he’s running, he sees a random old woman in a window above, making fucking bizarre crow sounds.
Donkey: And just when we think things can’t get any worse, they turn this crazy shit up to eleven, Spinal Tap style. As Kurt walks around a corner, he looks back and sees a man standing against a wall. From a distance it doesn’t seem too odd, so he doesn’t take notice.
Milobar: Kurt looks in the other direction and sees a random priest standing there, beckoning him on.
Donkey: Before Kurt can figure out who this random bishop is, it pans back to the guy standing against the wall and we see that it’s actually a fake face. He slowly turns around revealing his real face, and clearly shows that he has a fake one on the back of his head. As I spit Dr Pepper all over the room in complete shock, all I can think is…WHY?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? If this was a celebrity hiding from TMZ, that might make sense. But this is just a random dude disguising himself as another random dude. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THAT? I can’t take much more of this. My very soul is being violated with a hot curling iron.
Milobar: Turning back to the priest, we see he is still beckoning. As Kurty gets closer, the priest turns around and we see that HIS ROBE IS BACKLESS and he’s not wearing any clothes underneath. He’s got a bare ass and he’s beckoning Kurty inside. This movie just got a whole lot sexier!
Donkey: Goddamn it, that’s ridiculous. But before Kurt can get a full erection and quickly follow, the dude with the fake face on the back of his head jumps in to attack Kurt and ends up getting his ass kicked. Wait, so he had a fake face so that he could launch a surprise attack? Shit, does anybody else smell burning toast?
Milobar: That not only wouldn’t work, it would actually hurt his cause. A fake face is going to draw more attention, and YOU CAN’T FUCKING SEE OUT OF FAKE EYEBALLS ASSHOLE.
Donkey: “Hey, is that a random dude in the corner there that might attack me?…No, it’s just a random dude standing backwards with a fake face…well there’s nothing weird about that.” As he moves on, Kurt runs into Thorg again.
Milobar: Thorg chases him into a pig sty. Not a messy room, but literally a pig sty. Right behind them, of course, a group of crazy villagers appear and trap them in said pig sty. Because Kurt is about four feet tall and forty pounds, he is able to climb along the backs of the pigs and escape out of a tiny window. Thorg is not so lucky, so he’s left behind to face Retard Town and the Pitchfork Squad.
Donkey: Despite being so badass, Thorg is quickly disposed of and is left to be eaten by the pigs.
Milobar: I think the pigs are actually just licking up the corn syrup and food coloring they used to make blood for the scene.
Donkey: As the movie turns back to Kurt running down an alley with villagers chasing him, the single greatest fight scene ever recorded in human history is about to begin. Kurt runs into the center of a small, open square as he’s being surrounded by crazy villager, only to discover…a pommel horse.
Milobar: They try to disguise it in a way that it might look like it’s actually a part of the scenery, that it makes sense for it to be there, but no. It’s a goddamn pommel horse. And of course, Kurt climbs on it and starts doing his routine, swinging his legs around and kicking people in the face as they approach.
Donkey: The villagers, of course, just slowly approach one by one, allowing him to kick him in the face. Even though they have pitch forks and spears and they could just reach out and stab his ass, instead they’re just happy to wander in face first in an orderly fashion. And the great thing about this scene is that like so many others in this movie, it goes on for fucking ever. It only takes about thirty seconds and we get the point. He’s on a pommel horse. Good enough. End this.
Milobar: But it just keeps going on and on. This is like Kurt’s greatest wet dream. He just gets to do a pommel horse routine and kick the shit out of people four feet taller than him.
Donkey: Finally, Kurt performs a perfect dismount and makes a run for it, and the crowd of crazy motherfuckers just lets him go.
Milobar: And now we cut to slow motion, showing Kurt running down an alley, being chased by crazies.
Donkey: And like the first scene of his midnight acrobatics, there’s only the sound of his heart beating, establishing the particular intensity of the moment.
Milobar: I’m surprised there aren’t train tracks randomly overlaying these scenes.
Donkey: Fuck, I would pay good money to see an Asylum knock-off of Gymkata. That would be pure gold. As Kurt continues to run, we see there are dogs in pursuit as well. Wait, where would a town of crazy people get dogs? Who would be feeding and taking care of them? Unless they’re just eating the random appendages that these people are cutting off themselves and leaving behind, which I supposed would make sense.
Milobar: Again, this is going on way too long. Not that we cared much before, but now we really couldn’t give a shit less. Fuck, enough with the running. Finally Kurty ends up in an extremely narrow alley, where he uses his gymnastic skills to climb high enough that both the villagers and the dogs can’t reach him.
Donkey: Kurt starts to feel pretty defeated and hopeless, as he’s cornered like a rat.
Milobar: In desperation, he attempts to pull the metal bars off of a small window just beside him. But what’s this? A random ninja approaches from above.
Donkey: That’s outstanding. Why would anyone in their right mind try to pull welded bars off of a window instead of just trying to climb further up?
Milobar: As a matter of fact, only a couple of feet above him, there’s a set of stairs that lead up and away from the crazy motherfuckers. Suddenly the random ninja reaches down and helps to lift Kurty up to safety.
Donkey: Who could this random ninja be?
Milobar: Ninja Jesus? Of course, once they get to the rooftop, there are nothing sunny blue skies all around.
Donkey: The ninja removes his mask and reveals that it’s…his father! Old Man Thomas makes his triumphant return!
Milobar: And his father says, “I knew you’d get here.”
Donkey: Umm…how did you know that? Because up until about ten seconds ago, I was very certainly he wouldn’t make it there myself, and I’ve been watching the whole damn time.
Milobar: When Kurt’s father left the US, he left his son as a gymnast. Why would you assume that your gymnast son would come to save you?
Donkey: The movie now transitions back to the Princess arguing with her father, the Kahn. She’s trying to make him see that CheeseSteak Jefferson is actually bad for the country and will overthrow the Kahn’s rule. Finally the Kahn starts to realize the truth of his daughter’s words, though I couldn’t tell you why. This movie’s dialogue makes so much sense that it might as well have been in a different language altogether.
Milobar: Meanwhile, CheeseSteak Jefferson and his band catch up to Kurt and his father. A random ninja scouts ahead and signals their location back to CheeseSteak Jefferson. The Cheese prepares another arrow assault, while Kurt’s dad explains that he was able to survive his apparent death at the beginning of the movie because trees broke his fall. I point out once again, there are no trees in that goddamn ravine.
Donkey: We’ve seen that goddamn ravine multiple times now, as people kept tumbling down it. Seriously, look back up a the picture of the ravine. Do you see a goddamn tree there? There were no trees anywhere that could possibly do that, so that’s fucking stupid. Why not just say that you were caught by leprechauns?
Milobar: CheeseSteak Jefferson finally fires and Kurt’s dad gets shot in the back with yet another arrow. As he slumps down, he tells Kurt to win. Win THE GAME.
Donkey: Fuck, thanks Dad. That’s the only insight you have to offer? Kurt then chases down the ninja scout, flips over top of him for no apparent reason, just to land facing him, and kicks the dude twice before stealing his horse. CheeseSteak and the gang then chase Kurt as he prances through the woods.
Milobar: But of course, only CheeseSteak Jefferson’s horse is fast enough to keep up with Kurt. That makes sense, seeing as Kurt’s horse in only carrying a tiny midget that probably weighs half as much as all the others.
Donkey: They reach a point where Kurt appears to jump his horse, but since it’s a very tight shot where the camera is at ground level and the horse jumps out of frame, we can’t tell what the horse actually jumped. Was it across something? Down something? Over? Who knows? CheeseSteak is able to make the same jump on his horse, but of course it’s shown from the same angle, while the rest of the ninja horde comes to a halt.
Milobar: I’m guessing everyone else was notified that America’s Next Top Model was coming on and they just gave up.
Donkey: Finally we see the ultimate showdown between Kurt and CheeseSteak Jefferson. CheeseSteak has a scimitar and Kurt has…a piece of wood. This is going to go well. After knocking him to the ground, CheeseSteak Jefferson throws his scimitar at Kurt and it just misses his head. Kurt Thomas goes to pull it out of the dirt and can’t. Let’s examine the significance of that, as that’s the kind of hero we’re dealing with here, folks. That pretty much says it all. This isn’t The Sword and The Stone…it’s a scimitar that’s just stuck a couple of inches into the Earth. But now it’s time for hand to hand combat. And of course, Kurt starts with a series of ridiculous flips.
Milobar: Which he uses to tackle CheeseSteak Jefferson. How The Cheese didn’t see that coming, I don’t know. And now another series of flips. Fuck, it’s like playing Street Fighter against a dude who only knows how to use Guile’s flash kick. We keep hearing all kinds of impact sounds, like Kurt is landing a bunch of kicks but of course he clearly isn’t.
Donkey: Finally Kurt jumps up on CheeseSteak’s shoulders, trapping his head between his thighs, rides him to the ground, and snaps his neck. Well, either that or CheeseSteak Jefferson just choked to death after having his windpipe blocked by a very small penis.
Milobar: Meanwhile back at the castle, the Princess and her father are fighting all the black robed ninjas they can find, quite poorly.
Donkey: The Kahn starts yelling to all the peasants that they must grab all of CheeseSteak Jefferson’s men, declaring them traitors. But literally not thirty seconds later, everyone turns to the gates of the castle to find Kurt Thomas arriving, victorious in completing THE GAME. Alright folks, forget arresting the traitors. Instead turn your back to them and run to the gate, where everyone can applaud for that dude instead. We’ll just trust that they won’t start killing us all while we’re not looking. Kurt arrives with his father in tow, who still has the arrow in his back.
Milobar: Daddy is still alive. He’s taken two fucking arrows during the course of this movie and he’s still kicking. Of course Kurt just completely forgets about his mortally wounded dad when the Princess runs up. The movie then ends on a shot of them smiling together like idiots with a brief caption saying “in 1985, the first early warning station was placed in Parmasenistan for the US Star Wars defense program”. There’s nothing quite as impressive as giving us additional imformation about a fictional situation that couldn’t possibly of occurred and no one gives a shit about.
Donkey: Just before the credits roll, we’re informed that this is based on the book, The Terrible Game. Fuck that was a terrible game. That’s one of the most accurate titles I’ve ever seen.
Milobar: Too bad they didn’t call this The Terrible Movie.
Donkey: There is nothing that I can say about this movie that the three strokes that I suffered while watching it haven’t already screamed in mono-syllabic moans. This is more awesome than any one person was meant to handle. A fatally flawed plot, and hero that wouldn’t be less believable if it were replaced by a petulant vacuum cleaner, and special effects that would be envious of an Asylum film. It’s a potential G-spot shitgasm waiting to explode in the undergarments of unprepared viewers. I give it five golden, unnecessary backflips out of five.
Milobar: This movie blows my goddamn mind. It’s a perfect example of a movie studio executive taking a handful of marginally popular ideas and mashing them together until the only thing they resemble is lunch at an old folks home, and then hoping that somehow it will attract a large enough audience to be profitable. Of course nobody realized that the people who like gymnastics are in no way shape or form that same people who like ninja movies. Therefore combining those two activities doesn’t bring the two groups together to appreciate what you have created, it just makes them both hate you in equal measure. In fact I’m willing to bet that combining the Skill of Gymnastics with the Kill of Karate really only appeals to one specific corner of the market: the Donkey and Milobar corner. So in a way I suppose I should feel honored since this movie was made specifically for us. As a result I give this movie one upside down stairs taint shot out of one annoyingly silent princess.
What We Learned:
Donkey: There is no end of things to point out, but instead of trying to touch them all, I’d like to concentrate on one small point. Shitty movies love to casually toss out seemingly inconsequential concepts without thinking about the massive effects that they should have. Take this movie and the fact that no one has won THE GAME in nine hundred years. Obviously they didn’t think much about that before they went with it, but really fucking think about that. NINE HUNDRED YEARS. That’s almost half way back to the time of Jesus. You’re telling me that the country of Permesanistan even existed back then, let alone THE GAME? And why the fuck would anyone bother to care about THE GAME or wonder how it’s going to turn out when it hasn’t been beaten in that long? And those are just two of the many, many massive holes that one fucking carelessly used number creates in your entire plot. So to all you screenwriters out there, please take note. You might want to think about that shit, rather than just focusing on how you can convince a strung-out model that you’re a big enough player in Hollywood to bully your way into a handjob in the back of a rented Lexus.
Milobar: There’s a new champion in the eternal struggle of Ninjas vs Pirates vs Robots vs Spacemen vs Cowboys, and that champion, no matter how unlikely it may seem, is Gymnasts. All hail the new masters of irrelevant discussions overheard as you pass by the Computer Science lab at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon!