Fist Of The North Star (Double Feature)

Donkey: This week, we wrestle with one of the toughest opponents we’ve faced yet. No, not a cybernetic manatee that shoots lasers from it’s eyes and belches acid. I’m talking about nostalgia. Nostalgia is one of the most powerful forces in the world, and yet no one seems to give it the credit it deserves. It allows us to look back at those things that we once loved with so much passion and ignore their obvious flaws. But if you can see it for what it is, nostalgia can free you to love things that you have no other business loving. For example, I love the 80′s Transformers cartoon, while at the same time would describe the new movies as pointless drivel. And that’s not to say that I think the old cartoon is the pinnacle of storytelling. Far from it. If you watch them now, the majority of them are pretty goddamn stupid, as is pretty much anything aimed at children. They have to be. After all, their target demographic consists of people who believe that a cheeseburger is delicious just because a clown and pile of purple discharge tell them it is. But when I watch those cartoons even today, I can still remember running home from the corner store with exactly one dollar worth of candy and suffering through He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe just to watch it. And for just over twenty minutes, everything in the world seems so much simpler again. The new movies, on the other hand, just remind me that I’m watching a film created by a man who thinks that a series of explosions are a good substitute for a story, and that the more unnecessarily spinning shots you can fit into a film, the more likely you are to win an Oscar. And for just over two hours, the entire world seems like one massive intestinal cramp. I’ll take the candy over the diarrhea any day.

When I first suggested that we watch Fist Of The North Star, I had no idea how much history it had behind it. I remembered seeing the movie cover in the video store I worked at years earlier, and remembered the old NES game that it took its name from. But when Milobar went looking for the movie, he found that there was an older animated version of it as well, which I soon discovered was based on an old series of Japanese comics. It turns out that there’s quite the following behind these films. So while I realize that there are many Kenshiro-maniacs out there that will violently disagree with the description of their beloved movies that’s about to follow, I would simply suggest to them that they stop for one moment and ask themselves one question: Do you really think this stuff is actually good, or are you just defending something from your childhood because you loved it back when you weren’t smart enough to know better? Because after watching both versions of the film, I think I know what the answer is going to be.

The Plot:

Donkey: Depending on which version of the film you’re watching, the plot of Fist Of The North Star can vary rather significantly. It can either be the tale of Kenshiro, a deadly martial artist with the mantle of Fist of the North Star, who wanders the wastelands in an attempt to waste his life rather than simply take it himself, while his nemesis Shin plots to take over the world an bring about a new utopia while holding Kenshiro’s love interest as his own. Or the movie can also be about Kenshiro, a deadly martial artist with the mantle of First of the North Star who wanders the wastelands while Shin tries his best to accomplish little to nothing and his two brothers exert their unspeakable powers to provide confusing sidetracks. All I know is, a lot of goddamn heads explode. Little else past that makes much of any sense.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Part I: When The Bombs Fall, Only The Mediocre Will Survive

Donkey: We begin our cosmic adventure through space and time with the live action version of Fist Of The North Star, starring…Gary Daniels? Oh, that’s right: THE Gary Daniels. For those of you who don’t know who that is, fear not, you still won’t know when this movie is over.

The movie opens with the narration of Ryuken, played by Malcolm McDowell, as he introduces the film and its main character, THE Gary Daniels as Kenshiro, Ryuken’s pupil and son. As the scene opens to a barren hellscape, Malcolm claims that all the predictions were true. The world has fallen into chaos and the flag of the Southern Cross is the flag of the new order. Now sweet, delicious freedom’s only hope is the symbol of the North Star. As we hear this, we see Kenshiro walking through the desert wastelands, just doing random karate routines while he walks that in no way make it look like humanity’s last hope is an insane drifter. Kenshiro is The Fist of the North Star, which is both obviously and very poorly represented on him physically in a series of scars across his chest that form the Big Dipper constellation. As bizarre as that might sound, keep in mind that looks these ‘scars’ look like someone tried to paste pepperoni to him using a combination of bile and mayonnaise, so it’s far worse that you think. Malcolm continues to set the scene, reaffirming with us that Kenshiro’s is in fact wandering in the wastelands while the world waits for him to fight their oppressors. I don’t want to nitpick here, but maybe someone should go fucking find him then. As the scene fades away from that uninteresting sojourn, Malcolm then changes pace and gives us the details of his own death at the hand of Shin, the Master of Southern Cross and Kenshiro’s nemesis. The scene comes back up and we finally see Malcolm sitting in a dojo, wearing an awesome satin robe that says, “I might be forced to dress like a traditional Japanese man, but I’m going to do it while looking FABULOUS!” Once the evil Shin, played by Costas Madylor (or the poor man’s Michael Paré, if you will), enters and his intention to kill Ryuken is made clear, Malcolm says that he’s ready to die and gives a speech about how the North Star and the Southern Cross are never supposed to fight. In response, Shin assures him that it’s not a fight so much as an execution, pulls out a gun and blows him away.

At this point I’d like to take a quick moment to reflect. The Southern Cross and the North Star, if I’m getting this right, are schools of martial arts. So the harsh future is ruled by the Southern Cross, a goddamn karate club. Are you kidding me? Close your eyes for a minute, picture the world as you know it coming to an end, and then tell me who you would guess would rise from the ashes to rule us all. If you can honestly say that you think it would be a fucking karate club, then I thank you for reading this movie review, Ralph Macchio.

Malcolm’s narration continues and takes us two hundred miles north, as we see the people of the ironically named Paradise Valley and their ample water supply, which is apparently a precious commodity. As an expedition returns to the village and begins handing out cans of Pepsi and various other beverages, we’re introduced to an annoying little shit named Bat, who has bleached blonde hair. So in the bleak and post-apocalyptic future, tweens still have access to hair dye, huh? This Eminem wannabe slaps at a complete stranger, annoying him by extolling the virtues of martial arts just long enough to pickpocket a can of food. He takes that food back to a small blind girl named Lynn, but before then can share in the radioactive goodness, a group of future motorcycles, led by Clint Howard, suddenly invades the town and starts setting random fires. Just behind Clint arrives Chris Penn, who sports a helmet of straps. We’ll discover why later, and trust me when I say that it’s not worth the wait, but for now we’ll just think of him as a future thug who is likely into some really fucked up S&M stuff. I know that if you’re anything like me, then right now you’re asking yourself, “two not-quite-as-good brothers of famous people…how much more awesome can this movie pack in?” That’s a fine observation, smart and excessively handsome reader. I swore when I first watched this that if Frank Stallone walked into frame, my brain would probably rip a fart so loud that I’d be rendered both deaf and insane on the spot. But fear not, as this is strictly a two brother affair. Just as it appears that all hope is lost for the hamlet of Paradise Valley, the invasion ends as quickly as it started, and with just as much motivation (read: none) for stopping as it had in the first place. The villagers all seem to forget that only seconds ago they were being run over by B-list stars, their greasy henchmen, and a notable lack of attention from the paparazzi as everyone seeks shelter as the “bad rain” starts to come down. “Bad rain” in this context is acid rain, and by acid, this movie’s not fucking around. It eats through everything like it was goddamn molten lava.

Out in the wastelands, Kenshiro halts his pointless wandering for a moment and shows up at a couple’s door, demanding shelter in a way that I’m sure is meant to be polite, but sounds more like an outright threat. They begrudgingly give it to him, and later that night he has a wet dream/flashback sequence, which shows scattered moments of Julia, the woman he loves, being forced to watch as Shin tickles his belly. Or something like that, I don’t know. The next morning he wakes in wet pants to discover that a gang is outside the shack, molesting the couple who had taken him in. The three men muscle the couple around like idiot jocks in a high school change room before one of them holds the man while the other two take the girl back towards the shack, preparing to make her colon into a clown car. But as they get close to the door, Kenshiro kicks a leg through and breaks one dude’s jaw in a way that wouldn’t be physically possible if he had one as long as a goddamn alligator. The next dude doesn’t fare much better, as Kenshiro punches him in the back and causes his chest to burst out like he was caught trying to smuggle a watermelon in his shirt. With two men down, Kenshiro engages the last man standing, first cutting his gun in half with a single strike of his hand, then punching him with a series of light taps to the chest, and ending the assault with a single tap on the forehead. The dude asks if he’s trying to tickle him to death, only to have Kenshiro walk away and proclaim that he’s already dead. As he ponders what that could possibly mean, the dude’s head starts to bulge and expand until it finally explodes. AWESOME.

While his rival spends his days exploding heads in the desert, Shin keeps himself busy battling random blonde dudes with mullets. As his latest victim comes to his chambers, Shin says that this glorious mullet’s, “secret soul has been revealed to him”. If I’m not mistaken, especially considering that this line is being delivered in a candle filled room, I believe that’s might just be a come on. It turns out that this generic victim used to practice the Southern Cross martial arts style, which Shin has deemed that only he is allowed to know anything of. The guy swears that he abandoned that path long ago, probably because he realized that practicing your roundhouse is kind of ridiculous when you’ve got to fight through every moment of the day to survive, and tries to leave. But Shin refuses his attempts to exit, instead insisting that the dude must attack while he has the chance. The miscellaneous fodder finally relents and delivers five full strength hits to Shin’s face, as Shin calmly tells him to do it again after each strike. And not only does he ask for more, but he doesn’t as much as flinch while absorbing attacks that should have dropped a normal man. As is the case with so many movies, I don’t think the people who made this realize exactly how much a direct punch to the face hurts. After giving his prey a sporting chance, Shin proves that Kenshiro isn’t the only one with ridiculous attacks, as he assails the dude and finishes him with strikes to the chest that cause massive holes to explode out in a spray of blood. Fuck, this is insane. The only way to top this would be if you could cause someone to implode with a mere hip thrust.

Now that our two rivals have been properly introduced, the movie takes a moment to remind us of the primary object of their competition, as Julia stands looking out a window, pining for the return of what little dignity that she had before she was cast in this movie. Since all of our players have now been examined, I think we should take a moment to bask in the casting choices this movie made. They have two Englishmen and an American in the lead roles, all three of whom are obviously not Japanese, and yet they have Japanese names. The one woman in this movie who happens to be the only person of Asian descent is playing the only character that DOES NOT have a Japanese name. Well done. You couldn’t have gotten that any more fucking backwards if they were all replaced by sassy Puerto Rican robots.

To remind us as to whom she is actually supposed to be pining for, the scene fades back to Kenshiro walking, as he makes his way to the hovel that the two kids from Paradise Valley use for shelter. After they encounter one another, Eminem explains that Lynn, the young girl, is blind because her parents were killed by the Southern Cross right before her and she hasn’t seen since. Yeah, that’s shitty and all, but you guys realize that something like that can’t make you physically blind, right? After all, if seeing something truly horrendous could destroy your sense of sight, they would have needed to pass out seeing-eye dogs at the theater to people who paid to watch this bullshit. Taking pity on the girl and realizing that pretty much anything could cure her faux-ailment, Kenshiro waves his hands around her head and then presses on her temples, not quite miraculously returning Lynn’s vision to her. With his work done, Kenshiro wanders off again, as the two children notice that he’s impervious to the effects of the “bad rain”. He might be, but his clothes shouldn’t be, assholes. So why aren’t they melting off of him?

Part II: Take Me Down To Paradise Valley

Once Chris Penn is back in the presence of Shin, having returned from his impromptu invasion that he gave up on without reason, he assures Shin that their army can take the town of Paradise Valley and their water supply without a fight. Disinterested in the details, Shin tells him to just get it done. Wait, what? If Chris Penn knew that they weren’t going to fight back, why didn’t they just take over the town when they were invading it moments ago in the movie? Does this army determine whether or not they can invade a city by first invading it? That makes as much sense as testing to see if a gun is deadly by shooting yourself in the fucking head.

Back in Paradise Valley, they prepare for invasion with such intelligence that they may as well be listening to John Tesh albums to inspire them. Eminem leads a shitty karate class for teenagers in the street as a random black dude throws out random proverbs that make no sense. The balance is tilted! Nature’s rejecting us! Our only hope is a man…the First of the North Star! If he’s unavailable, Jeremy Irons will suffice! I love nacho cheese! As they all occupy themselves with this idiocy, a strange kid walks up to the blind girl and tells her, in Malcolm McDowell’s voice, that she must turn Kenshiro’s heart. Elsewhere at the same time, this triggers a dream of Kenshiro’s where he envisions his father, Malcolm. After a brief talk, a random fucking zombie pops out of the ground, again speaking with Malcolm’s voice, telling Kenshiro that he’s denying his destiny. Kenshiro screams no, and then proceeds to start punching the metal roof of a car that’s standing on its roof next to him until the phantom zombie goes away. Um…okay. Like a home-schooled Mormon child seeing a Mexican donkey show for the first time, I have no idea what just happened, but I suddenly have the urge to take a shower.

The next day, the three head citizens of Paradise Valley argue about their fate. One of them continues the preparations to fight while another exclaims that diplomacy must be there strategy, and to unsuccessfully show that he’s not bat shit crazy, he’s drawn up a proposal to share equal water rights with the city of Southern Cross. With little resolved, the scene fades back to Kenshiro as he begins a training routine that would have to be considered insane if we hadn’t seen Van Damme’s performance in Double Team. He begins by punching more random metal structures as he has flashbacks again of the beating that he received at Shin’s hands. Then he steps it up a notch and makes us once again think lovingly back to Van Damme, as he does the splits just to show that he can. But just to put the cherry on top, he then picks up a large rock nearly the size of his torso and squeezes it in a screaming hug until it explodes. Yes, it fucking EXPLODES. Just then he hears some commotion and turns to see two dudes hassling Eminem about twenty feet away. Apparently they didn’t hear him screaming and shattering rocks only seconds ago, as they pay him no mind. He walks over and beats them without question, even though they could have just caught Eminem molesting their kids for all he knows. As Kenshiro begins to walk away, Eminem asks him to return to Paradise Valley to help defend it from the Southern Cross. As he’s in the middle of refusing the request, Kenshiro sees that one of the dude’s is wearing a jacket that has Julia’s picture on the back of it. What the fuck is that? How was this cat issued a goddamn jacket with her picture on it? Suddenly enraged, Kenshiro beats the guy some more to prove no point whatsoever and then turns to head off to the south. Eager to continue his role of annoying the shit out of me, Eminem follows behind him, but runs out of steam and falls to the ground. I guess a lot of time has passed only seconds later, as it shows Eminem lying in the same spot, almost completely buried in dirt. How the fuck long was he lying there? Giving the only response that is reasonable in this situation, Kenshiro comes back to find the kid half buried and laughs.

As the invading army of the Southern Cross stands on the edge of Paradise Valley, ready to engage in a little deja vu, Chris Penn gives his men a pre-invasion speech. “Let’s kill some people. Let’s kill them, and let’s enjoy it.” Well done. That speech is so inspirational that I could swear that William Wallace and Tony Robbins had sex and then aborted that speech to avoid having to cancel their plans to go to college. But somehow he doesn’t damper the mood too badly, and they proceed to invade the same damn town again, raping and burning as they go. At one point, Chris Penn turns to the camera and quips, “It ain’t easy being sleazy.” Again, that’s fucking amazing. You have a joke that’s a reference to a goddamn Cheetos ad in your movie? That’s fucking classy. But again the invasion continues in a flood of mass death and carnal sin, all shown in slow motion with dramatic music so that you hopefully won’t notice how unimpressive it is. Witnessing the poorly produced horror, Lynn screams. I’d like to think that she’s thanking Kenshiro for giving her back her vision just in time to see this. Meanwhile, Kenshiro hears that cry from the wastelands and realizing that he has no choice, he turns back in that direction to rescue her.

With the complete domination of the city over faster than you can back a Pizza Pop, the three leaders of Paradise Valley once again meet, this time on their knees in front of Chris Penn. The two of them that had been for fighting still choose to resist, while the third guy who was pushing for diplomacy earlier is once again begging to negotiate. In a swift and decisive response, Chris Penn has the third leader killed, declaring that there will be no negotiation, no hope for the future. Trying to manufacture another dramatic moment, he then looks at the camera and says, “Welcome to the future.” This movie is about as good at subtlety as it is, well pretty much everything else, but I have to admit that’s the most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard. The next morning Lynn is put into a guillotine for defending an old woman trying to get water, but just as the blade begins to fall, declares that Kenshiro will come to destroy them. Chris Penn, of course, recognizes the name and saves her at the last moment. Apparently only he, Chairy, Jambi, Conky, and perhaps the King Of Cartoons know that Kenshiro just happens to be the Word of the Day.

Back in the Murdering Heights suburb of Eviltown, also known as Southern Cross, the movie shows a brief scene of Shin in his office. He cuts his finger and allows the blood to drip out on blueprints a set of blueprints before him. As each drop hits the paper, it immediately bursts into a small flame. With that poignant yet meaningless concept relayed, the scene ends. Goddamn, what can’t these people do?

The next time we see Shin, he makes grand proclamations about his future to Julia as she lays in bed, bored and high as a kite from sniffing glue. He begs her to see that he’s saving the world with modern technology like – get ready for it – aqueducts. But still in the face of such brilliant technology, she somehow manages to stay cold to him. Frustrated and ready to stroke it to a Sears catalogue, Shin departs, leaving Julia to sniff a lot more glue. Instead she cracks open a chest that has armor in it and a small bag of seeds. With that little bit of nostalgia searching her brain for a sign of basic functionality, it is finally time for a full blown flashback that shows us the origin of the conflict:

The glorious vision of the past starts with Julia and Kenshiro having a moment alone somewhere when he gives her the seeds in hopes that it will get her in the mood to also take his obvious virginity. He tells her that the seeds that he’s giving her are the future and that she now holds the future in her hands. Underwhelmed, Julia says that she’ll protect them, but that Kenshiro must now protect himself. He looks over his shoulder just then to see Shin and Chris Penn strolling up with a small group of soldiers. After a brief exchange that couldn’t be more pointless if they had instead sung the first half of Steve Perry’s smash hit Oh Sherrie, Shin gives Chris Penn permission to attack, only to have him fall victim to Kenshiro’s head exploding technique. But just as his skull goes “Sloth love Chunk” on his ass, Chris Penn straps his head down to prevent it from exploding. Awesome. Kenshiru then pleads with Shin to show restraint, reminding him of the old rule declaring that Southern Cross and North Star must never fight. Shin says that rule is true, but does not apply in this case as there is no North Star. With their destinies apparently set, they have no choice but to engage in talentless-to-talentless combat. The battle begins with them jump kicking at each other simultaneously. And just as their legs collide in the air, the impact produces a flash of lightning. That’s right. Lightning. After a lot of unimpressive fighting, capped by an axe kick directly to Kenshiro’s balls, his men hold Kenshiro in place while Shin plunges his finger into Kenshiru’s chest, which has to be the oddest attack seen yet in this movie. Shin tells Julia to say that she loves him or he won’t stop. She relents, just as Shin hits Kenshiro with a four finger assault that drops him like an unsuccessful sit-com pilot. Shin then leaves Kenshiro to die with the parting knowledge that he also killed his father, Ryuken, before leaving with his Asian prize, leaving us to wonder if he mean to have the wounds form the Big Dipper, or is that just a horrible coincidence.

With the memory coming to an end, Julia comes back to the present just as Shin knocks the seeds out of her hands and tells her to stop living in the past. One falls into a crack in the marble floor where it will undoubtedly become significant at a later point.

Having likely wasted enough time at every tourist trap on the way, Kenshiro and Eminem finally make their way into the tunnel system below Paradise Valley where they come across a girl that’s been thoroughly abused. Kenshiru leaves Eminen to care for the strange girl while he proceeds on to find Lynn as she’s being tormented by a massive jailer. Eager to show off unimpressive skills, he busts in and gives the dude the business. Seeing her chance for escape while the two of them are engaged, Lynn runs down the tunnels trying to find her way out, making it only a short distance before Chris Penn comes out of the darkness and grabs her. But just as he’s about to take her back, Eminem steps in to fight. While it looks like this may turn out to be one of the most hilariously awesome fights of the movie, it ends quickly when Chris Penn pulls a knife, stabs Eminem, and yells, “Look out, he’s got a knife!” Damn. Here I was hoping that Chris Penn would have a flashback to the time that Kevin Bacon taught him how to dance, only to then reveal that he also taught him the mystic art of Kung Fu. But alas, it will have to wait for Footloose II since it’s not the case here. Back in town, Kenshiro fights his way out into the town square where he defeats the giant jailor in front of the gathered populace and then takes on a whole slew of soldiers. Just as one of them is about to surrender to Kenshiro for no reason, Chris Penn takes aim at Kenshiro with a sniper rifle. Just as he’s about to fire, Eminem hits him in the back, causing him to miss and hit the surrendering soldier instead. Kenshiro races back to the scene just in time to see Eminem die. He steps over to Chris Penn to kill him, just as Lynn floats into the air an illuminates, speaking in his father’s voice, telling him that revenge is beneath him. He must face Shin, not to avenge the past, but to shape the future. That’s a pretty flimsy argument, don’t you think? He could say that killing Chris Penn would prevent him from hurting anyone else from that point on. In fact, he could say that any shitty thing that he did was in an effort to shape the future. Instead they send Chris Penn on his way, telling him to tell Shin that the flag of the North Star flies over Paradise Valley. I’m guessing that flag involves the Big Dipper and blistering inexperience at the art of pleasing woman.

Part III: And I Thought The Face-off Between Cage And Travolta Was Shitty…

Chris Penn relays the message a moment later, and Shin declares that Julia must never know that Kenshiro’s still alive. To prevent this, naturally, he moves her down into a fucking boiler room alone with Chris Penn to watch over her. Yeah, she won’t think anything strange is going on at all. Of course, once the two of them are alone together, Chris Penn tries to seduce her with his literal throbbing head and she obviously resists. At the same time, Kenshiro enters the city of Sothern Cross and then a building where he lays waste to a couple dozen guys before he poses for a random, unnecessary zooming close up. But with that, it’s time for the final boss fight! Kenshiro makes his way into Shin’s personal quarters, which he seemed to accomplish a little too easily. Seeing his enemy, Shin removes his jacket to reveal one of the most unfortunate vests I’ve ever seen. They begin to fight, stopping only to primp their mullets. Of course, if we were to examine the developments of the movie thus far, we’d see that this entire battle is pointless. If Shin’s blood is flammable, why isn’t he spitting it in Kenshiro’s face? And if Kenshiro can make a man’s head explode with a series of punches, why not do that right away? Regardless, to get the upper hand, Shin tells Kenshiru that Julia is already dead. Distracted, Kenshiro pretty much stops fighting altogether, instead trying to hold off Shin with pouty looks and silent poetry. To finish him off, Shin hits Kenshiro with a special flaming attack that causes veins in his arms and chest to burst, spraying blood everywhere. This idiocy would kill an ordinary man. So I guess it’s a good thing that he’s THE Gary Daniels. As he falls to the ground, about as hurt as he would have been if he had slammed his finger in a car door, he sees a plant growing through the floor where Julia had dropped them. He then gets up, as if he’s fucking fine, and kicks Shin’s ass. At the same time downstairs, Julia manages to fight off Chris Penn by getting his straps caught in moving, arbitrary cogs. Once his head is released, his fate is sealed as his head explodes.

Back upstairs, just as Kenshiro is putting the final moves on Shin, Shin once again reminds us that the Southern Cross and the North Star should never have fought. Kenshiro says that’s true, but there is no Southern Cross. OH SNAP! I know that’s supposed to be some profound reflection of the movie’s opening, but that just doesn’t make any sense. That’s just fucking stupid. You’ve now both ignored some ancient rules without any reprisal. Kenshiro finally drops Shin, who then once again tells him that Julia’s dead before he dies himself. But just before we leave this shit, I’d like to point out that Kenshiro just had major arteries explode and somehow he’s fine, and at the same time managed to hit Shin with nothing more dramatic than a series of ordinary punches and kicks, and that motherfucker’s dead. Go figure.

As Kenshiro steps out to face the rest of Shin’s men who are conveniently waiting outside, they all stop and bow as Julia steps into the room. She and Kenshiro share a rather underwhelming moment together, with the men all continuing to bow as they embrace. And with that, the movie ends as confusingly as it began.

Part IV: The Apocalypse In Technicolor

The original animated movie of Fist Of The North Star obviously shares many of the same idiocies as the live action one, so for the sake of your sanity and ours, we’ll only detail the aspects of the movie that are different.

The movie opens with a nuclear holocaust and its quite graphically bloody results, as Ryuken once again describes the situation. After the fallout, existence has became about finding uncontaminated food and water, where only the strong survive. So at least the set up in this movie makes a little more goddamn sense. It also explains that Shin and Kenshiro used to be close friends until he brought Julia into the picture. That also might have been handy to know.

They show the origin scene of Kenshiro’s scars right away, which is quite similar to the live action version. Once again Shin dives his finger into Kenshiro’s chest while Julia is forced to watch, and it’s just as stupid seeing it a second time. The biggest difference is that once the fight is over, an unnamed character picks Kenshiro up off the ground, takes him over to a giant crevasse, and tosses him over. Kenshiro slams into rock precipices all the way down before he eventually disappears into the darkness. Hmmmm….he really should be dead in this one, then. Finger stabs are one thing, but falling about four hundred feet should make for a pretty bad day.

Having just seen them in action, the most immediate difference that you’ll notice between the animated and live action movies, of course, is the characters’ appearance. Shin’s got a sweet blonde mane that would make him the perfect drummer for Skid Row or perhaps Slaughter, and he’s wearing an outfit with the greatest shoulder pads ever conceived by man. Meanwhile, Kenshiro’s eyebrows look like he stapled dead beagles to his forehead. And everyone in this movie has some of the most bizarre proportions imaginable. It’s like they’re an upside down triangle, as they have really skinny legs and a gradually thickening torso that ends with shoulders the size of a Buick, topped with remarkably tiny heads.

Another difference with this version is the way the movie introduces Bat and Lynn, and the way they first meet Kenshiro. The two kids start by tearing across an open plain, then through the ruins of a city in a massive hot rod that Bat apparently built himself for his seventh birthday, being followed by thugs on motorcycles. The chase concludes with them crashing their car out the windows of an abandoned building, falling from the forty third floor before landing on the ground and crashing into debris. And though the thugs catch up to them after the fall, they’re quite unhurt. Apparently gravity is everyone’s best friend in this movie. As they’re being hassled by the thugs, we that not only does Lynn have seeds as well, but she has the power to stop a full grown man from stomping on her. As he steps down on her harder, she lets out a scream that causes some dude made out of stone to come to life in the distance. The thing starts smashing down buildings with single punches as it slowly walks over to them and as he approaches, the rock falls away from the figure to reveal that it’s actually a man. Would you know it, it’s KENSHIRO! Wow, that makes the whole ‘smashing down buildings’ thing even fucking dumber. He walks over, takes an arrow to the chest without flinching, and then picks up the dude who was standing on Lynn by the head with one hand, crushing his skull. The others attack, only for the entire gang to be killed by head exploding hilarity.

After the slaughter is complete, Bat and Kenshiro are hanging out in a random shack where Kenshiro is relaxing on a cot while Bat explains that Lynne is a mute, and that she hasn’t spoken a word since watching her parents burn alive during the war. Meanwhile, more cyberpunks attack outside and somehow get their hands on Lynn. Again it’s time for Kenshiro to show how ridiculously powerful he is in this movie. Sensing the danger, he gets off his bed and it explodes. He the opens the door to the shack and it fucking explodes. Goddamn. At this rate, the entire world would shatter if this dude farted. Slowly walking towards the thug holding Lynn, Kenshiro disposes of the rest of the gang as they all charge him only to have their heads explode after a single punch. Keep in mind, he doesn’t even do that shitty punching combo in this version. It’s literally every single goddamn punch that causes it. Finally reaching the dude holding Lynn, who for some reason becomes more than twice Kenshiru’s size in one shot, then five times bigger in the next, Kenshiro unleashes the punching combination of awesomeness. After being knocked down by the assault, the thug gets back up and just as Kenshiru gives the “you’re already dead” line. For some reason at this point the dude is now easily ten times the size of Kenshiro. And of course, the dude’s head explodes. With another battle completed, Kenshiro celebrates by shaving his beard off and curing Lynn of her muteness before wandering off.

Part V: O Brother, Where Art Thou? Probably Exploding Shit.

Another one of the major differences with the animated version of the film is the number of extra characters, starting with a random dude named Ray. We first see him as he is faced off against a single man out in the middle of nowhere. He rips the dude’s arms off with his bare hands as he asks for information on the whereabouts of the Fist of the North Star. He then walks into the village that Kenshiro just left, only to find yet another group of bandits there, this time claiming to be followers of the Fist of the North Star as they torture and kill the villagers. He kills them all by cutting them to pieces with slow moving karate chops, just before Kenshiro shows up at the last minute and takes the last punk out with a head explosion of his own. Trying to discover why a group of cyberpunks are oppressing people in his name, at this point they introduce us to yet another new character, when it’s revealed that Kenshiro has a brother named Jagi. Through a random flashback, we see that Jagi is an older brother who was jealous of Kenshiro’s success. He tried to kill Kenshiro only to end up on the receiving end of Kenshiro’s famed head explosion technique. Fortunately, he was able to stop it by stabbing his thumbs into his neck to relieve the pressure. But it left him horribly disfigured, which is why he now wears an iron mask.

Kenshiro and Ray decide to work together and stop the Jagi menace, traveling to his hideout only to run into a giant fat man guarding the entrance. And I do mean giant, as once again this dude is over ten times the size of Kenshiro. Undaunted, Kenshiro screams and kicks a hole into the dude’s stomach. It doesn’t finish him at first, but soon the fat bastard falls on his back and instead of just his head, his entire fucking body explodes. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? After they make their way inside, Kenshiro and Ray finally come face to face with Jagi. It turns out that Jagi is holding Ray’s sister hostage, and he demands that Ray fight Kenshiro to the death while holding a gun to her head. After some preteen taunting, Jagi finally agrees to put the girl aside and fight Kenshiro himself, which somehow moves them up to a fucking rooftop. Jagi takes off his helmet and we see that it was actually him at the beginning of the movie that threw Kenshiro over the cliff. He also reveals that it was him who convinced Shin that Julia actually loved him, not Kenshiro, and caused the fight between them. Hearing the news, Kenshiro becomes alight with flames that burn off his shirt, but strangely not his pants, and he destroys the rooftop with a single punch. They fall to the base of the building where Kenshiro let’s Jagi break several huge chunks of rock over him before hitting him once again with a head exploding attack that finishes the job he started years ago. Meanwhile, Ray literally cuts Jagi’s men to pieces with his hands and finally saves his sister.

The last important figure that’s missing from the live action movie is a man named Raoh, who is apparently yet another brother of Kenshiro. We first meet him after Kenshiro was defeated and tossed to his presumed demise at the beginning of the film, when he visits Ryuken to demand that he be named the new Fist of the North Star. Ryuken refuses, saying that Raoh lacks perception. In response, Raoh has a hissy fit and punches to giant stone statues, causing them to explode. He catches their massive stone heads in his suddenly huge arms, only to flex and shatter them. Fuck, everyone in this movie is super badass. Still not impressed, however, Ryuken expels him, telling Raoh to never return to the dojo again.

The next time we see Raoh, he is leading a massive army, for reasons we don’t know, as it faces off against a barbarian horde, whose giant fucking general somehow turns his skin to metal. Sure, why not. An orgy of violence then ensues as the two armies clash. Once the barbarian general makes his way to him, Raoh hits the dude with energy beams that come out his chest and hand. Energy beams, huh? Yeah, I guess that’s plausible. At this point it’s no fucking dumber than anything else this movie throws at us. These beams cause the barbarian general to, naturally, explode as columns of skin burst out through the steal coating. After the brief battle, Raoh and his men them move on face their next target: Shin’s army. The scene transitions to Shin as he gets the news of the coming invasion, and also about Kenshiro killing his brother Jagi. Julia is of course present at the time, and for some reason when she hears this news, reacts by ripping her clothes off. All of them. With one hand. And yet, she doesn’t have nipples. Fuck, I just can’t keep up with this madness. She then escapes down secret tunnels to try to find Kenshiro, only to run into Raoh. Raoh and Shin face off soon after. We don’t see what happens, but moments later Kenshiro arrives and finds Shin on his throne. They face off in a battle even faster than the one at the end of the live action film, as Kenshiro finishes him with one set of punches. Before he dies, Shin explains that Raoh has taken Julia, just after he shows off the wedding dress that she was supposed to wear, which took ten seamstresses a year to make. What? One dress and it took a year? I hope he didn’t pay by the hour.

Part VI: The End, Again.

The movie comes to a climax as we see Julia being held by Raoh and his army. He puts her on a fifty foot crucifix for the crime of having a flower, which had been smuggled to her in her jail cell by Bat and Lynn. Way to go, kids. The first person on the scene is Ray, who ends up fighting Raoh’s second in command. As you can probably guess by now, this dude is once again fucking massive compared to Ray, but still ends up being cut to pieces by Ray’s special karate chops of power. Knowing that he can’t win but that he needs to buy some time, Ray then faces Raoh only to have his predictions come true and end up being slapped down like a little girl. Kenshiro, who takes his fucking time wandering over, finally arrives just as the killing blow is landed. With the stage set, the two combatants face off, fighting with the expected ton of magical bullshit, which absolutely destroys the landscape around them. First they engage while floating about a hundred feet off the ground, so I guess that means these assholes can fly too. They continue to fight back on land, causing each other’s arteries to explode, making for one massive human fountain as blood sprays out of both of them. The battle ends when they drive their hands into each other’s chest and fall to the ground together. Raoh is the first to get back up, but just as he is about to stomp Kenshiro one last time and put an end to all our suffering, Lynn walks up and asks to talk. Feeling particularly and unexplainably charitable for some reason, Raoh listens. She asks him to spare Kenshiro’s life and he does, claiming that he’s got a new purpose in life: to protect her. WHAT?! How the fuck did that come about? But just to make it extra hilarious, as he walks away assuring her that Kenshiro and everything else will be alright, another artery in his shoulder erupts for no reason and sprays blood everywhere.

The movie then ends with the two kids finding flowers growing in the dirt in the middle of the city, then with Kenshiro walking through a stormy desert where he hallucinates that he finds a lush forest oasis looming up before him with Julia inside it. Neither of which are real, it turns out. And that’s it, that’s where it ends. WHAT?!

The Verdict:

Donkey: After watching the live action version of Fist Of The North Star, we honestly didn’t think that it would be possible for the animated original movie to make less sense. But then, I wasn’t prepared to see random dudes become more and more inexplicably massive with each glance, people explode like it was a bodily function, and plot twists that make less sense than P-Puff-Puffy Diddy-Daddy giving a lecture on artistic integrity. I know that most fans of the original movie and comic books consider THE Gary Daniels and the movie version that he starred in to be a missive letdown in comparison. And while I will grant you that movie is a steaming turd, the original animated feature is no prize pig either. As with any Japanimation cartoon, the illustration was extremely well done. But that’s about as nice a thing as I can bring myself to say about it. At the very least, THE Gary Daniels and company took a meandering, non-sensical story and simplified it so that you could almost tell what the hell was going on. I award both movies 4 exploding heads out of 5 mullets of power.

What We Learned:

Donkey: If you’re going to make a movie based on an old Japanese comic book, hire Japanese actors. Or at least Asian actors, for Christ’s sake. It’s not like THE Gary Daniels brought some kind of legitimacy or box office clout that any random person off the streets of Tokyo couldn’t have matched. Watching a movie filled with white people named Kenshiro, Ryuken, and Shin is about as fucking stupid as watching a movie where Japanese people are named Montgomery, Winston, or Ted. It just insults us all.

Don’t forget to check back every Saturday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Sylvester Stallone arm wrestles for love of his son and the right to keep on trucking in…OVER THE TOP.

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