Evil Behind You

Donkey: There are certain senses that we just can’t explain. One of them is the very basis of this site: the sense of humor. Although we can share the moments that resulted in Diet Vanilla Cherry Pepsi Jazz spit takes and tell you why they caused intestinal rupturing laughter and a mild case of Jazz Hands, we can’t actually make you find it funny. You’ll either join us in seeing the hilarity in two grown men practicing their illegal street racing techniques in go-karts or you won’t. Similar to this is the sense of fear. We all have things that fill us with dread for reasons that we can’t fully explain and others can’t understand. I’m not entirely sure why clowns, ventriloquists’ dummies, and Bronson Pinchot make me want to curl up into the fetal position and cry for Captain N to come save me, but they do. If you’re one of those few iron clad souls who doesn’t happen to share my dread, then those particular things will come across as pedestrian at best or flat out tedious at worst. Enter Evil Behind You.

As best I can guess, this movie tries to scare you. The problem is that if you don’t find shitty computer generated character models or intense boredom scary, you’re in for little more than a full out assault on your ability to maintain consciousness. So barring a deep phobia of refreshing naps, this movie will completely miss the mark. And while a movie failing to scare its audience is certainly not uncommon, it’s how badly this movie fails in every way imaginable that makes it truly remarkable.

The Plot:

Donkey: There are a lot of things you could accuse Evil Behind You of having, but I’m not sure that a plot is one of them. The entire film takes place primarily in two non-descript rooms, detailing the droning exploits of four idiots with random and completely unnecessary flashbacks thrown in for good measure. The entire experience of watching this movie can be summed up by imagining two people screaming, “There’s something behind you!” “No there isn’t, you asshole! Oh wait, maybe there is! My bad!”

That’s it. Seriously, that’s the plot. Sure there’s something about a serum, a doctor being held by terrorists, and an alternate dimension or some shit like that, but that’s all just filler which couldn’t have less of a point if it was replaced by footage of the director feeding his fish while singing More Than A Feeling.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Donkey: If nothing else – and trust me, there will be absolutely nothing else – you can applaud the producers of Evil Behind You for knowing what an audience wants. This is why the adventure that they’ve laid out before us this week begins with what all the kids are clamoring for…an educational video! It’s supposed to have been created by a professor that went missing soon after it was made in the 1950’s, documenting his discovery of an alternate dimension operating within ours. That being said, asking Evil Behind You to do something as simple as fabricating a shitty video from the 50’s is clearly on par with asking it to find a cure for cancer while wrestling a rabid tiger to the ground, as this particular one looks like it was filmed about three weeks ago. Regardless, the doctor blathers on about the existence of the other dimension, saying that its beings are aware of us even though we’re not aware of them. And to preemptively negate any of the infinite number of accusations that he’s fucking insane, the doctor declares that this is reality even if we can’t see it, giving a not entirely relevant example of ice, water, and steam being the same thing existing in three different states. And just to give some real scientific meat to his rad hypothesis, he starts to ask us questions about things that we’ve all experienced, but have never thought much about due to the fact that we’re not terminally shitheaded. “Have you ever sensed an eerie presence? Have you ever turned when you heard a noise and found nothing was there? Have you ever seen something out the corner of your eye, only to discover it’s nothing?” Oh wait, even more awesomely, have you ever started drawing a picture of He-Man fearlessly riding Battle Cat into an army of mermen led by a cyborg Skeletor engulfed in flames, only to black out and wake up lying on a picture of Father O’Shea touching your bathing suit area? Even though the simplest of brains would consider those situations to be meaningless, the doctor gives you another theory: aliens, bitch. And just to prove that he and his nutjob theory aren’t fucking around, he reveals that he’s injected himself with a serum that should allow him to move between dimensions. The film then ends soon after, as he appears to become nearly as agitated as I’m quickly becoming with watching this movie.

As that ass wad of a prologue fades away while leaving the taste of undigested peanuts in our mouths, the movie can now begin. The first scene opens in one of the two rooms that comprise the entire set of this film, which we will henceforth very cleverly refer to as The Room. In it, two women, Lisa and Deborah, regain consciousness only to discover that they don’t know where they are or how long they’ve been there, wondering aloud if they’ve been drugged. Unless they’re raging alcoholics who black out on a regular basis, I’d say that’s a safe bet. But then, they didn’t make that assumption right away themselves, so I guess that says a lot about their character. They stand up and take a remarkably long time to notice that David and Tony, their respective significant others, are lying handcuffed in hospital beds right in front of them. Upon further investigation, they discover that the men have had some kind of surgery done on them, or their one ear at least, and they’re all locked in The Room with nothing but a two way mirror. So the movie is kind of like Saw, only we’ve replaced Leigh Wannell with a girl who looks like she got cast solely for how close a bra can push her boobs to her chin while Cary Elwes is replaced by three other people who will bring new meaning to the phrase “Oh my God, shut the fuck up or I’ll reach through this screen and beat you to death with your own glaring lack of talent”.

As her husband Tony begins to wake, Deborah formally introduces the two of them. In response, Lisa introduces herself and her still unconscious boyfriend David. Then to make unnecessary and pointless small talk, Lisa asks if Tony is Deborah’s husband, which Debbie confirms before dickishly proclaiming that yes, there is an age difference between them. Apparently Tony is supposed to be significantly younger than Debbie, but the movie didn’t see fit to cast people far enough apart in age to possibly see that. It’s not that these two roles had to be played by Betty White and Macaulay Culkin, but come on. You can do a little better than people who look like they’re separated by a two year age gap at best. With the introductions out of the way and not so much as a single line to set up any kind of transition, it’s time for…

Unnecessary Flashback Number 1: The movie suddenly whitewashes to a scene where Lisa is sitting on a living room couch while her sister screams on a phone at what is either her boyfriend or her favorite john. They argue over what one has to imagine is either anal sex or a Dirty Sanchez, as she yells, “I just don’t like it when you do that” and “I’m not the prude, you’re the pervert”. After she begs the dude/possible talking horse not to leave her and offers to go to counseling with him, he finally hangs up on her. With that, her sister’s rage boils over to a comically ridiculous level as she turns to Lisa and screams that Lisa was never there when she needed her. She might be trying to make up for it now, but it’s too late. The sister tries unsuccessfully to call the dude/imaginary friend back, then throws her cell and screams, “I wish I was dead!” Lisa goes to pick up the phone and say a little prayer for her sister, asking that the Sweet Chili Jesus not make her sister pay because of her. At this point when we first watched this movie, we had no idea what the fuck was going on and were not prepared for the laughter required to make it through what happened next. Apparently Jesus wanted to respond to Lisa’s request for mercy with a big old fuck you, as suddenly we hear a gunshot and the camera switches over to a pair of feet hanging out a doorway, implying that the sister was lying dead after she just made her own wish come true instead. What? Suicide? Over an argument with your boyfriend?

As we return from that arbitrary vision of the past and arrive once again in The Room, Tony begins what will essentially be an hour long freak out. He becomes inexplicably cold and swears that there’s someone in the room, first behind him, then at the end of the bed, then in the sheets with him. As Debbie struggles to calm him and show him that no one is there, Lisa starts to freak out herself and tries to wake up her boyfriend, David, for comfort. And with that, it’s time for…

Unnecessary Flashback Number 2: The movie transitions to a scene where some dude tells David that he has to go back and deal with the past, not bury it. And that’s it. That’s fucking it. Was that a shrink? A pastor? A concerned drifter that’s camping out on his couch? The movie doesn’t explain it, because like everything else in this film, it really doesn’t matter.

As David wakes up to find himself, his girlfriend, and two assholes in The Room, Tony suddenly feels better without reason. Lisa and Debbie argue about whether or not the fifth person in the room, a guy that they’ve discovered over on another bed on the other side of Tony, is infected before finally noticing that there is yet another guy in the room, lying in a bed just to the left of David. After arguing about whether or not the two new dudes are infected with God knows what, thy check both the mystery dudes’ conditions. As Lisa tentatively approaches the guy in the bed, he moves slightly, the girls both scream in unison, and it suddenly cuts to…

Unnecessary Flashback Number 3: Now we visit two girls late at night in their bedroom with Uncle Joe, the uncle that apparently likes to express his love with his penis. As he tells one girl that she looks pretty tonight in her pretty pajamas, the other girl turns away. And that’s where the scene, thankfully, ends. I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be Lisa and her sister, but they didn’t once refer to each other by name, so far all I know, that could be completely unrelated to this movie.

As we unfortunately return to The Room and its four inhabitants, the movie decides that it’s time to spice things up, since this whole fucking ordeal has gotten quite old by this point. And nothing spices up a situation like blatantly unmotivated conflict! Deborah literally hits a mental switch, going from ‘Reasonable Human Being’ to ‘Psychotic Thunder Twat’, calling Lisa both stupid and subservient within a five minutes span. And sure, that creates some awkward tension, but it’s not quite to the point of being retarded yet. Let’s kick it up a notch further. While this is going on, Tony starts freezing again and tells them to take the blanket off one of the two random dudes and give it to him. Rather than help her husband in any way, Debbie waits for Lisa to comply and bring the blanket to Tony instead. As she tucks it in around him, Tony shows all the class that I’d expect out of someone named Tony and hits on her by saying he’s getting warmer now while staring at Lisa’s tits. He gets slapped by Debbie, of course, and threatened by David. But before they can really stop to think about how much of a fucking moron he is, Tony changes the subject by sitting straight up in bed and once again saying that there’s something in there. After dismissing him as the moron that he is, David suddenly feels the same thing, also claiming that there’s something behind him. So the two of them alternate having hissy fits for the next couple of minutes, with both men scream that someone’s in the room only to calm down again and proclaim that the mysterious presence has gone away moments later. And just in case their constant screaming wasn’t bad enough, Debbie continuously screams back at her husband that there is no one there. Listening to a goddamn car alarm going off is less infuriating than this garbage.

Just as this movie is getting too goddamn tiresome to even write about anymore, we’re introduced to a pointless crew of supporting cast members. A group of Middle Eastern terrorists stride into The Room, led by a white doctor who examines Tony to try to stop all the goddamn yelling while muttering to himself that it’s not supposed to be like this. Once the group eventually begins to shuffle out again, David demands to know why the doctor is helping them. The doctor says that he has no choice as he’s ushered away in handcuffs at the command of an exaggeratedly evil Middle Eastern voice that shouts over an intercom. David calls bullshit, exclaiming that there’s always a choice. Yeah, that’s pretty easy to say when you’re not on the business end of an assault rifle, tough guy. Hey, you know what we haven’t had in a while? Yep, you guessed right. Time for…

Unnecessary Flashback Number 4: This time we see Lisa sitting by a pool with David, telling him that it was her fault that her sister was molested as a kid by their uncle. She should have told someone. Bringing all the untalented sympathy that he can to the scene, David says that no one should have to go through that, that Lisa has to stop blaming herself. Lisa responds to his palpable lack of acting abilities with all the emotion of a chunk of petrified turd, saying that her sister would still be alive if it wasn’t for her. David assures her that if she wants to blames someone, she should blame Uncle Joe instead of herself. Lisa shakes her head, saying that she doesn’t blame Joe because he was sick…she blames God because he could have stopped it, but he didn’t. Wow. I didn’t realize that she was seven years old. Santa Clause didn’t stop her either, you know. Maybe you should spread some hate his way. And I’m pretty sure that it’s always good to blame Gary Busey for pretty much anything, so you might as well add him to the list. But that little nugget of brilliance is where the scene ends.

As we come back to The Room, the four idiots plead to the mirror to let them go. A few seconds later the scene transitions to the movie’s only other set, a room that’s on the other side of that mirror. We’ll refer to this room as The Lab since they’re doing some apparently scientific things in it. The doctor argues with the terrorists that are holding them all captive that he can’t do his work while he’s shackled up. So who are these terrorists, and where the hell did they come from? What is it that they’re after? Are they trying to find a way to mine plutonium out of captive stupidity? Or are they using the doctor to come up with a new formula for Five Alarm Chili so that they can travel from county fair to county fair, winning chili cook-offs for the glory of Allah? I have no idea, but there is one thing I do know: I could go for some chili right about now.

Back to in The Room, tensions continue to run high purely for the sake of having some kind of dialogue rather than having all the characters stare blankly at one another. Debbie and Tony argue about how it’s his fault that they’re in this mess, Debbie tells Lisa that she’s dressed like a whore, and Lisa calls Debbie a cradle robber. The whole thing comes to a ridiculous end when Lisa turns to face David at his request, only for Debbie to grab her hair, yelling that Lisa should never turn her back to her. With reaction speed as fast as you’d expect from a senior citizen taking their first self defense class at the old folks’ home, Lisa puts Debbie in an arm bar only to immediately apologizes for doing so, to which Debbie says that she should be sorry. Seriously, I just want to repeatedly try to put my head through a brick wall right about now. What is the goddamn point of all of this? Lisa finally turns back to David, who tells her that it’s his fault that they’re there, that he had an alternate motive for bringing her wherever the hell it is they were going. Oh shit. You know what this means. Time for…

Unnecessary Flashback Number 5: David shows up at someone’s door, which is answered by a young couple that we’ve never seen before and that the movie doesn’t bother to introduce. David says that he didn’t come hurt anyone and the scene ends. Once again that was as short at fifteen seconds long as it was pointless. Seriously, at this point watching this movie is more frustrating than being tea bagged by some screeching ten year old Halo player online.

As our waning attention turns right back to The Room and I begin to weep uncontrollably, Tony lurches out of bed saying that someone’s there again, prompting David to agree and for Debbie to tell him to shut the fuck up. The scene then cuts to the doctor and the terrorists who are watching from The Lab, where the doctor says that something’s going wrong, that his equipment is showing that there’s too much brain activity. Buddy, if there’s one thing that is not involved in this goddamn movie, it’s brain activity. The doctor concurs with the two screaming assholes on the beds, saying there must be something else is going on in that room. As the four balls of cock snot turn to the mirror and demand to know what they did to deserve this, the doctor explains to the terrorists that all this mayhem won’t allow them to get the results they want from the serum. The terrorist leader, whom some amazingly fucking clever screenwriter named Abdul, gets on the intercom and tells the four shitheads to calm down, that their freaking out is going to jeopardize the test. When Lisa shouts back that they don’t care about the test, he says they had better, because they’re going to just keep going until someone gets it right.

As the four douche troughs try to compose themselves, Tony demands to know if David feels the same presence in the room that he does. David agrees, telling Lisa to get behind him. Before she can comply, the body of the dude who had been passed out/dead on the floor this whole time sits up and starts growling, snapping his handcuffs before jumping on Tony and proceeding to begin kicking his ass. As Debbie once again proves her undying love by doing absolutely nothing, Lisa comes to Tony’s aid by beating the random assailant to death with a metal chair with all the viciousness of teenage boys reenacting a shitty WWE match. Once she’s finished, David tries to comfort Lisa out of her murderous rampage while she declares that they’re not lab rats and pulls the electrodes off David’s head. Back in The Lab, the doctor says that he can’t tell what’s going on if he doesn’t have the equipment plugged into the subjects. Abdul concedes the point, so the doctor gets on the intercom and tries to calm them down, explaining to the four dildos that the two men have been infected with a new strain of bacterial meningitis that would normally destroy their brain in 24 hours. They need the equipment hooked up properly in order to survive. And of course, now that there’s a moment that could only be described as totally fucking unrelated, the movie cuts to…

Unnecessary Flashback Number 6: It’s time to ride along in vague disinterest as Lisa visits her dead sister’s grave to clear her conscience. After once again professing that it’s her fault, that she should have found a way to stop Uncle Joe, Lisa says that she can’t hold on any longer. She explains to the grave stone that she’s got a new guy in her pointless life now and she can’t keep pulling away from him, so she’s come to ask her sister what she would want for her. After a moment of silence, Lisa shakes her head and says that she didn’t think God would let her sister answer. You know, I think when you stop and consider that she was screaming about how everything was your fault just before she blew her own fucking head off, your sister has pretty much already shared her thoughts on the subject.

Once that bullshit is done, the scene cuts back to The Lab with such terrible editing that they might as well have cut out and returned right in mid sentence as the doctor explains that the serum they injected the men with should cure them. He then saunters into The Room to connect the equipment back up to David where he shares a few moments of aimless dialogue with the four thespian disgraces before heading back into The Lab. Once he leaves, the tired routine of Tony and David sensing a presence while Debbie tries to shout the idiocy out of them begins anew. All the while they are being monitored back in The Lab where the doctor soon discovers that the hostile bacteria that they were injected with is dead and their brain cells are regenerating. This delights the terrorists, as that apparently means they have a vaccine that they can use on themselves for the bacteria should they decide to unleash it, provided that they don’t mind going batshit crazy when they take it. Being reminded of their intentions, even though we have no goddamn idea what the are, the doctor begins to protest, only to have them ensure his continued cooperation by reminding that they’re holding his son hostage in another location. Damn those evil non-Christian, non-white stereotypes!

They continue to try to find ways to fill out the movie with artificial tension, this time with the two girls arguing over whether or not to preemptively kill the other random dude in the gurney before he wakes up and possibly attempts to kill them. But before that issue is given the proper debate that it deserves, David decides that now’s finally the time to let Lisa in on his dark secret. He tells Lisa that the real reason they came wherever the hell they are is because he needed to see Jenny. What? Who? Apparently not nearly as confused by this fucking curveball as we are, Lisa reminds David that he had said at some point in the past that he didn’t love Jenny anymore. He says that he thought he didn’t, but he had to see to be sure. I think you know what’s coming…

Unnecessary Flashback Number 7: David sits down in the home of Jenny and his old best friend, whom ran away together right before Jenny and David were to be married. Confronting them face to face over the ocean of pain that they have caused them, David makes a horrible production of fake sniffing in a poor attempt to make it look like he’s crying. Either that or he’s allergic to his own bullshit. David opens up and reveals to the two traitors that they hurt him so much that now he can’t trust someone that he loves because of them. In response, the two day players say that they never meant to hurt him, they just love each other so much that their passion couldn’t be denied. The three of them ask for each other’s forgiveness, clearly only moments before they’re about to whip out a guitar and sing Kumbaya.

With that shallow yet tender moment of forgiveness coming to a close, our focus returns to The Room where Debbie heckles David’s story, saying that he’s obviously fucking around on Lisa. David tries to tell Lisa more, likely how they had a freaky three way lubefest soon after the end of that story, but he’s once again interrupted as Tony lurches out of bed. And since this goddamn routine never gets old, we go ahead and watch as he and David feel a presence while Debbie tells him that there’s nothing there and to just shut the hell up. But just to change things up a little, Tony lurches forward again, declaring that water MUST kill it. Well obviously. Who wouldn’t immediately think that ordinary tap water would kill an evil, invisible presence? He retrieves a cup of water from the small table beside his bed and throws it at nothing. As no one could have possibly imagined, nothing happens. Clearly exasperated at lack of success with this single thing that he tried doing, Tony flops back down and declares that nothing will work.

Meanwhile, back in The Lab, the terrorists watch the four ass warts with mild interest, finding their acts of insanity rather entertaining. The doctor then begins to beg to talk to his captive son for a moment, just to verify that he’s still alive, and Abdul decides to oblige him. Once Abdul makes the call and hands him the cell phone, the doctor does an exceptionally poor job at pretending to sob while he has a brief conversation with his son, which ends with him reassuring that the boy’s mother can’t come to the phone, but that she loves him very much. And just in case you’re wondering what he’s talking about, which we are all very clearly NOT, let’s bring on…

Unnecessary Flashback Number 8: To really hammer home the obvious, both that this movie is far more awful than it is subtle and that it has no budget, it then flashes back to a scene in The Lab where the doctor and his wife are struggling with the terrorists, just before they shoot her dead in front of him. THANK YOU, Evil Behind You, for spelling that out for me. I thought the doctor meant that his wife couldn’t come to the phone because she was busy on another line, talking to Dionne Warwick’s Psychic Friends. Don’t I look quite the fool now?

Things continue to escalate back in The Room. Tony and David agree that there are more of them now. Not to be outdone, Debbie steps up her shitty efforts and yells even more for them to shut the hell up with some of the worst acting we’ve ever seen. The story finally starts to progress to the point where we can see an end coming, however, as moments later Tony has somehow gained the ability to touch the phantoms, even managing to kick one off the edge of his bed. But just as it looks like he might be put his two weeks of karate lessons from the local community center to good use and kick some serious invisible ass, Tony senses one of the creatures behind him, which decides that now’s finally a good time to bite him on the neck. After some exceptionally unconvincing thrashing about, our beloved Tony dies. But within seconds, just before we could pause the movie and finalize our plans to hold a small impromptu funeral service for our beloved ingrown scrotum hair, Tony regenerates in the same way that the random dude did earlier in the movie, breaking his shackles and getting out of bed to go on a murderous rampage. He charges Debbie first and using the power of bad special effects, he strangles her to death. Well, one assumes that he does since they show her feet just off the ground and kicking a little, but never actually show him holding her up by the throat. Once she dies to a round of our cheers, Tony moves on to attack David. But just as he’s climbing onto the bed, two terrorists come in and shoot him. Game over, right? Well he still manages to turn and kick their ass, but finally dies shortly thereafter.

Before Lisa and David have so much as a moment to celebrate the fact that their roommates have finally been put out of their misery, the one remaining random dude in the room suddenly turns zombie as well, rising up from the bed next to him to attack David. Wait, what the fuck took this dude so long? He’s has been lying there for well over an hour now, whereas Tony got a hankering for some brain-eating within two minutes of biting the big one. Regardless, in response to the new assault, David puts his legs up around the guy’s throat and executes what has to be one of the most pathetic attacks recorded on film, making a lazy twisting motion that I guess is supposed to be him breaking the guys neck. The nameless extra falls to the floor for a moment, seemingly dead from that attack that even a newborn kitten would call totally pussy, before he springs back up a moment later. As the random dude tries to resume his attack, he’s shot dead by Lisa, who took the gun off one of the terrorists.

But again, before they can rest on their laurels, David detects more of the phantoms in the room. Right about now, the movie decides that it’s time to reveal the beasts. He points out that he can see them standing over Debbie’s body. It then cuts to a shot of Debbie’s corpse on the floor, being stood over by two of the worst computer generated character models of monsters I’ve ever seen. But now that we’ve had a taste of this shit sandwich, the movie decides to jam it down our throats. David starts seeing the monsters everywhere, including one that is standing over Tony’ s corpse. And just to take it to a new level of craziness, Tony suddenly appears in ghost form, stepping away from his carcass only to be dragged into the ground by a badly animated fiend. Debbie and the random dudes share the same fate one after the other, causing David to conclude that they’re demons, dragging them all down to hell. I might be inclined to agree, provided that those “demons” were even close to looking like they’re actually touching any of them. I’d say it looked more like they were beginning to slide down invisible slides while a shitty Slayer laser show was going on around them.

Watching these retarded events from the safety of The Lab, the doctor starts rambling to the terrorists about his presence there somehow being the result of divine intervention. He goes on to explain that his father was the professor in the shitty video at the beginning of the movie who had proven that another realm existed and was killed to conceal the evidence. When the terrorists grow as tired of his ranting as I am, they threaten him and urge him to shut the hell up. But he says that they’ve run into something more important than any of them, that it’s now a God thing. They smack him and tell him to keep working. Working? On what? What the fuck is he even doing?

The movie shifts our attention back to The Room for a moment, only long enough for David to ask Lisa to pray for him and for her to refuse. Sigh. The tone of the movie begins to shift so drastically at this point that it’s almost like you can see the thought process of its producers: Hey, wait a minute…this movie sucks. Who the hell would watch this pointless drivel? Hey, let’s insert as many references to God as possible into the final scenes to make it a “Christian” movie. They’ll watch anything that says Jesus enough times.

Back in The Lab, Abdul gets off the phone, one can only imagine having just finished talking to someone in Sprint’s support center about switching his long distance plan, and without explanation tells the others to get Lisa’s purse from wherever they were keeping all their hostages’ stuff stashed. They do moments later and end up pulling out what looks like a shitty cell phone. Abdul declares that they’ve been tracked this whole time. Their position is compromised, so they must take everything and go. Who would be tracking them? And why? They’re holding four assholes, two random dudes, and one rather unimpressive doctor. Somehow I don’t think alarms bells are going off at CIA headquarters for any of these people. After setting his group in motion, Abdul tells his second in command that he’s going to stay and destroy everything as to not leave any evidence behind. He pulls out a shitty looking bomb and declares that they have ten minutes to get the hell out. Sweet. One way or another, this pain will all end in ten minutes.

In The Room, things continue to go from ridiculous to insulting, as shitty Doom characters jump out of the walls around the last remaining couple. As David warns Lisa of the gathering menace, she tells him the he must fight them. Um, okay. He’s chained to a fucking bed, lady. How about you cut him some slack? He says that he can’t fight them, not without God’s help. Right…what? When she asks if He’s going to help, David says that he doesn’t know, but he needs Him right now. At that point the demons decide to go ahead with their fiendish attack, first by walking up and starting to paw harmlessly in the general direction of Lisa while David tries to shoo them away. It might come across as threatening if it looked like these animated disasters were actually touching her or at least trying to, but they’re fumbling is not exactly what I’d call precise. In the face of this impending doom, David declares that he’s going to go to hell, explaining that he just doesn’t believe enough. Suddenly the doctor shouts words of encouragement over the intercom, saying that David must take heart in the fact that Christians can’t be possessed. What? Seriously? Has this guy never seen a possession? You don’t tend to see too many Buddhists suddenly claiming to be possessed by agents of a pitchfork wielding man in red pajamas. It’s pretty much exclusively Christians. If anything, David should take heart in the fact that bad actors can’t be possessed because they simply aren’t equipped with the necessary skills to convey the situation. And just to prove how fucking stupid that assurance was, moments later David finally gets possessed. But since we’re running short on time, he literally gets up as a zombie and tries to kill Lisa within five seconds. As she struggles to fend off his awkward advances, much like I’d imagine she’s quite used to doing every second or third night, the doctor convinces the terrorists to let her into The Lab to get away from her murderous boyfriend. He then starts shouting/rambling about Jesus and demons, seeming to either be starting the world’s shittiest sermon or dismissing a possession. I’m not really sure where the hell any of that just came from. The terrorists are as impressed as I am, and decide it’s probably best for everyone to shoot him in the goddamn chest. Moments later a couple of the terrorists go out to similarly shoot David, which despite being hit multiple times, miraculously leaves only a spot of blood that’s no bigger than it would be it he had accidentally cut himself with a grapefruit spoon.

As David lays dead on the floor, Lisa runs over, verifies that he’s dead, and then looks at the ceiling and gives God a stunningly tedious speech about how He’s taking everyone from her. Almost as if he was sent by The Almighty to shut her the fuck up, David suddenly revives and tells her how much he loves her. He then says, “Christ, forgive me for wasting so much time”. Well at least someone involved in this production acknowledges that this goddamn movie is a waste of everyone’s life. He then turns to Lisa and says, “Please don’t hold this against God” before asking for his jacket. She covers him with it and once again he dies. Eventually David’s soul steps away from his body and is surrounded by demons, like all the others before him. But as he calmly sits there in the midst of them, a fucking sword flashes out of nowhere and smites the demons. Sweet mother of Christ, none of us were prepared for that kind of hilarity, unlike David, who doesn’t appear to be surprised by the events in the slightest just before he ascends while bathed in white light. But just to drag this bullshit out even further, he comes back down seconds later and sits down behind Lisa as she finds the engagement ring he had for her in his jacket. She takes a really LONG GODDAMN TIME to put it on and says, “I do…I so do” to fucking no one. Taking one last moment to look like he’s spanking it onto her back in celebration, David then ascends again. So to make that clear, he came back after dying three goddamn times. Please…no more…

Having once again decided to just stand back and watch this horrifically shitty tableau play out, the terrorists finally wonder what really happened and go to fetch Lisa. But just then the doctor decides to reveal that he too is not dead, jumping on Abdul’s back and wrapping his handcuffs around his throat while Lisa kicks the ass of his second in command when he appears in The Room to retrieve her. Having Abdul rather poorly subdued, the doctor makes him call and tell his compatriots to let his son go. He then positions himself while continuing to struggle with Abdul on the floor to hit a buzzer that opens the door for Lisa using his foot. After taking her sweet time to get moving, she runs in and finds the doctor, who tells her to get out of there before the bomb goes off. But before he gives his life to make sure that she can escape, he asks her to find his son and take care of him now that he and his wife will both be dead, adding that he doesn’t want his son to hold this against God. Fuck, are you kidding me? That just doesn’t seem even remotely appropriate at this point. Lisa then gets the Abdul’s keys from his pocket and the vaccine out of the doctor’s before she flees for safety while Abdul and the doctor continue to cuddle on the floor.

To put the final garnish on this dookie platter, the movie shows Lisa driving away in what we presume is Abdul’s SUV. Succumbing to her need to rawk, she turns on the radio, only to get a mix of love songs, I’m sorry you’re dead songs, and religious crap. Man, this really isn’t your day, huh? Just in case anyone cares what’s happening back in The Lab, the movie shows the timer on the bomb count down to zero and then simulates an explosion by flashing the back of Lisa’s head with a flashlight.

Thinking that the insanity is over, she keeps driving just to find the professor from the beginning of the movie in the middle of the goddamn road. He asks her for a ride only to be refused at first, but then tells him to get in. Once they get going, the professor tells Lisa that despite what’s going on in her life right now, God still loves her. While she ponders this truly random and shitheaded statement, he then says to watch out for his grandson, who’s standing on the left shoulder of the road just ahead. Before Lisa can react to these astounding developments, the professor disappears, leaving only his glasses behind on the backseat. Noticing that he’s gone, Lisa stops the truck and while she’s staring back at the empty seat, the kid walks up and knocks on the window. Without hesitation, Lisa pulls the kid in, says that she’ll take care of him, and rolls off into the darkness.

Just before we can breathe a sigh of relief, the movie punches us in the face one last time. Back in The Lab, Abdul is pulled down into hell by the demons, leaving his second in command sitting alone in the darkness. He calls out for Abdul just before a demon flashes across the screen and the movie cuts to the credits.

The Verdict:

Donkey: This movie is a virtual smorgasbord of failure, with almost every aspect you can imagine finding a way to stand as its own shining monument of inadequacy. There is quite literally not a single positive thing that I can say about it. It even fails as a shitty movie, as it’s so goddamn boring that the movie practically dares you to manage to stay awake long enough to actually remember its moments of idiotic hilarity. It’s quite appropriate that they somehow managed to make this into a religious movie, as much like an actual sermon it makes no sense and I walk away from it feeling like someone has just finished butting out cigarettes on my taint. I give this movie one unrelated flashback out of five hilariously dead sisters.

What We Learned:

Donkey: Every single thing that can’t be explained in life is apparently the work of aliens/demons from an alternate dimension/hell. It’s a good thing that God has a +4 Sword of Smiting or we’d all be fucked.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: the Muscles from Brussels stops in to give a lecture on space, time, and doing the splits in…TIME COP.

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