Donkey: There are few jobs that can be better for an avid lover of cinema than working at a video store. I had the fortune of doing just that for a couple of years in my late teens, and apart from being a pretty damned easy job, it also provided me with a cache of memorable moments to look back on for years to come. Some were enraging, some were hilarious, and some left me in a state of confused wonder. One such case happened in the adult section of the store. For some bizarre reason, the store’s office could only be accessed by going through the adult movie section, so when it came time to cash out at the end of your shift, you had to make that journey and cause significant discomfort to anyone who was in there, perusing the selection of spank material. But as I was making the trek one day, I was stopped by a man who asked me, “So what’s good in here?” It took a moment for the question to even register, and then another moment to actually believe what I had heard. This was basically tantamount to asking me, “So what do you suggest I jerk off to?” I pointed him in the direction of women-over-forty section, reassuring him with a haughty thumbs up and moved on as quickly as possible, wondering who the hell asks that goddamn question to a stranger in a porn room.

But that confusing ordeal was nothing compared to the day I first put copies of Double Team on the store’s new release wall. I had never heard of the film before, which was surprising when you consider how many Cannes Film Festival, Sundance Film Festival, and various other critical awards that it didn’t win. Seriously, I think new flavors of Nerds candy get more advertising than this movie ever did. But looking at the cast of this movie, proudly displayed on its cover, it was clear that advertising was the least of its problems. Jean Claude Van Damme. A fine choice, as he always brings the awesome. Mickey Rourke. A sure sign of B-movie quality, since this was before his triumphant return in recent years and during the time that he was being used to describe the severe phobia of showers. And then there was…Dennis Rodman? Could this movie possibly be as bad as it promised to be? It was a question that haunted my dreams for over a decade until we finally got the answer: no. It’s worse. Much, much worse.

The Plot:

Donkey: If you, like me, have ever wondered what a Bond movie would be like if James Bond had spent less time spreading crotch fungus and more time doing the splits and showing off his balls, then Double Team is the movie for you. If you can stop drooling long enough to clap your hands and smile when there are loud explosions on the screen, then this movie is for you too. If you’re a fan of coherent plots and passable acting, then this movie is not for you.

Double Team is the tale of Jack Quinn, a government agent whom has been brought out of retirement to make one last attempt to capture Stavros, his deadly rival played by Mickey Rourke. When this attempt fails, JCVD is proclaimed dead to the world and shipped off to a secret island, where he is made to join a secret counter-terrorist organization. But when Rourke takes JCVD’s pregnant wife hostage, JCVD has no choice but to go rogue and escape the island, seeking the help of an arms dealer with a heart of gold and a head covered in Technicolor despair named Yaz, played by Dennis Rodman, in a desperate attempt to save his family.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Donkey: The movie begins with the final mission of JCVD’s assuredly illustrious career as a government agent. A career that has undoubtedly been filled with thrills, spills, and unnecessary groin stretching. He’s been sent to recapture a truckload of plutonium that was stolen from a military base outside of Croatia before it can be sold to the Iraqis. There we have it folks. After all the whining done by the liberal elite and their ridiculous need for “facts”, this movie answers where Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction were. You’re welcome, Bush administration. The scene begins with JCVD standing in an empty warehouse in front of a very fancy looking truck.

Moments later that same truck comes bursting through the large cargo doors of the warehouse, diving down and smashing through other vehicles in its path. This scene then turns into the truck making an incredibly stereotypical Bond-like getaway as it’s being chased and shot at by unidentified soldiers, which culminates in the truck coming up to a train crossing just as a train begins to go by. Undaunted, the truck takes an unexplainable and ridiculously high jump, smashing through the top of one of the train’s cars before landing on the other side and continuing along on its way. I don’t really understand this whole opening scene. He’s stealing back plutonium by stealing a fancy truck that was left alone in an empty warehouse? The scene is therefore suggesting that the group of rogue bandits stole a truck full of plutonium and then left the plutonium on that truck alone in a warehouse without leaving so much as a single guard behind to watch over it. The only way you could find a group that stupid is if they had left to go produce an Asylum film. But even if you look past that massive elephant in the room of logic, you’re still faced with a second elephant that is waiting to rape your brain. The truck begins the scene with a small trailer attached to its back end, and by the end of getaway, that trailer’s gone. So he either ended up stealing back the truck and leaving the plutonium behind, or they had a trailer attached to it purely for aesthetical purposes. Either way, I feel like someone just pissed down my throat via my nostrils after eating a metric ton of asparagus.

But with that introduction to the madness that is to come complete, the film moves on to the South of France, three years later where JCVD appears to be enjoying his well-earned retirement as he’s flirting with his wife by reaching under her dress to tickle her mysterious lady parts in their pool. Suddenly they turn to see some random dude standing at the side of their pool, beaconing for Van Damme’s attention. The random agent, whom we’ll call Sergeant Expendable, has come to coax JCVD back into service. He refuses at first, of course, insisting that he’s retired, but Sergeant Expendable pulls out every persuasive cliché that he can think of, first telling Van Damme that he obviously misses the game, and then appealing to Jean Claude’s personal pride by telling him that Stavros has returned. Stavros, of course, is the film’s antagonist and JCVD’s rival, played by the outstanding Mickey Rourke.

As JCVD is left to ponder the assault on his pride that must have been equal to agreeing to be in this picture in the first place, the movie cuts to Rome where Sergeant Expendable sits down in his car, only to be held at gunpoint by Mickey Rourke, who was waiting in the back seat. Rourke babbles on about being thankful that this guy managed to bring JCVD back into the game, because now it will be fun again. He then gets out of the car and tells Sergeant Expendable that he’s left a little surprise behind. We then see a bomb attached to the back of the driver’s seat that’s only got a few seconds left on its timer. Sergeant Expendable tries to dive out his door, but his elbow accidentally pushes down the lock. So naturally his attempts to open his door are in vain as his pathetic flails are mercifully ended by the explosion. So once again the legacy of the great Remo Williams continues, as yet another government agent is defeated by the basic workings of a common door. But now that I think about it, what the fuck was the point of this scene? Just to watch a random government agent die? A scene of Mickey Rourke trimming his toenails while humming the theme song of The A-Team would be just as goddamn relevant.

Our next stop on this random tour of the globe stops in Antwerp, as it appears that JCVD is perusing the red light district. He goes into the backroom of an S&M club and finds Yaz, played by Dennis Rodman, who is in the middle of getting a tattoo. Their introductory banter quickly turns to Dennis’s hair which looks like it was dyed by someone who hated the world but sadly chose cosmetology over the biological training required to create the super virus that could destroy it. And the truly great part about Dennis Rodman’s hair in this film is that it changes from one ridiculously insane color and pattern scheme to another in each scene of the film. This means that unless Dennis is actually bald and just wearing a different hair-like helmet every day that the movie is suggesting that he’s actually stopping every night to carry out a ridiculous dye job that would take hours. But it’s back to business now, as apparently Rodman is an arms dealer and JCVD has come to do a little bit of last minute shopping. Strange, as you’d think if JCVD was a government agent, the government would supply him with as many weapons as he needed. But they distract us from this thought as we’re treated to the first of many basketball references with the following unmotivated exchange:

JCVD: “Offense gets the glory.”

Rodman: “But defense wins the game.”

If that idiotic quip seems like it was shoehorned into the movie about as gracefully as a fat man unwrapping a Twix bar after a four day fast, you still have no idea how right you are. And that’s just fucking stupid. Do we really need to point out the fact that Dennis Rodman is a goddamn basketball player? Really? If Steven Tyler was playing a goddamn doctor in the film, would you have him say, “Sure I can perform the surgery to save your ailing infant, ma’am, but first BWWAAAACHAAABAAWWWW ROCK!”

JCVD apparently found what he was looking for as he’s soon back to meeting with his strike team, forming a strategy on how they’re going to ambush and capture Rourke, which is going to be done in an amusement park. The plan takes about thirty seconds to go over, and it consists of, “Who’s my sniper? You? Good, shoot him with this converted tranquillizer sniper rifle”. And that’s it. What a great fucking plan. With all that preparation being done, I don’t see what could possibly go wrong.

The film then transitions to the fateful amusement park scene, where it’s a rainy night and the perfect time to be riding a rollercoaster. As the government team is set up all over the area, looking highly suspicious and not even remotely undercover, Rourke and his men arrive. But JCVD’s spidey-senses begin tingling and he detects that something is wrong. He declares that the group that his team is watching is the wrong group. JCVD shouts for someone to find the driver of the car that Rourke’s group had arrived in, and eventually they pan over to where we see Mickey standing in ridiculous high top sneakers that go half way up to his knee. A woman walks up to him, opens her trench coat and reveals Rourke’s young son. Lady, why the hell was that kid in your coat? He looks a little old to be riding around in your womb. Mickey suddenly realizes that he’s being ambushed as he cuddles with his son, so he leaps up and shoots the sniper perched next to Van Damme, whom we remember is quite literally the sole recipient of the mission’s ‘plan’. And please note that he shoots her from about one hundred yards away. Through her sniper scope. Into her eye. Seriously. That’s awesome. I’m surprised he didn’t just accomplish the same thing by kicking a bullet in her direction. And since the only part of the ‘plan’ is now dead, all hell breaks loose as people start firing guns all over the damn place, which eventually results in Mickey Rourke’s wife/girlfriend/personal oiler and child being gunned down. After taking a moment to show just the right amount of action movie despair over the loss of his only child (2.3 seconds), Rourke flees the scene only to be pursued by JCVD. During this time, we see that they both have this bizarre slow-down vision, like a shitty precursor to The Matrix, which allows them to dodge bullets. So I guess these two are super heroes, and ones that prove to be about as useful as the Silver Surfer.

Eventually JCVD follows Rourke into a dark and abandoned building, which appears to be a hospital, where soon the mono-e-grease-o face off will begin. Rourke is waiting for JCVD in what appears to be the hospital’s nursery, as he’s surrounded by babies in cribs. Wait, if there are still babies in this hospital, then why isn’t there anyone else there? Shouldn’t there be nurses, or maybe even a security guard or two? Or when shit started hitting the fan, did the staff say, “Fuck it, these things haven’t been around long enough for anyone to have gotten really attached to them…leave the babies and make a break for it”? And once his battle with Van Damme finally begins, Rourke leverages these tiny hostages as he sends a crib rolling towards JCVD that has both a baby and a grenade it in. Jean Claude quickly tosses the grenade into an open elevator and starts to run with the crib, just before the explosion goes off behind him. JCVD makes a face that looks like he just made a romance explosion in his pants as he falls, passed out, and the scene fades to black.

JCVD wakes up slowly, bandaged and in a strange bed. He sits up to see a computer next to him, as a narrator is going through a profile of him that will soon turn into an A&E Biography. It flashes what I would assume is an old picture of Van Damme as a toddler, and then one of him as a very young boy. That’s got to be one of the greatest pictures I’ve ever seen.

The narrator concludes by saying that JCVD was charged with capturing Rourke, but he failed because he went soft. I’m not really sure what happened in the last scene that would constitute saying that he went soft. He should have just left that baby to explode and continued on after Rourke, I guess. But the baby-hating narrator continues, saying that JCVD still has usefulness, despite his failings, so he’s been brought to…THE COLONY. Of course, if Van Damme doesn’t like it, he’s perfectly welcome to kill himself. If he knew what was to come, Jean Claude might have taken that option much more seriously. But seriously, what kind of fucking job did JCVD have that was so unforgiving that if you didn’t catch your prey after a single attempt, they made it look like you were dead and took you to an island colony to live out the rest of your life in forced servitude?

Regardless, JCVD goes out the front door of the house that he’s laying in and is greeted by his biographer’s narrator, played by Paul Freeman or as most people will know him, Belloq from Raiders Of The Lost Ark, who is standing by a golf cart. Belloq gathers up JCVD and takes him for the grand tour of the Island of Misfit Toys. We soon discover that everyone on the island is someone that was supposed to have died, being either a government agent or one of their rivals. As Van Damme’s being introduced to people next to a swimming pool, we find out that one of those people is an old BFF of Van Damme’s that he thought he had killed. This guy rises out of the pool, comes over the shake Van Damme’s hand to tell him there are no hard feelings, and punches JCVD in the face before the two of them are separated.

JCVD is then presented with a watch, which he must wear at all times on the island. It also functions as a pager, with an LCD screen that tells him when he must return to his room and check in using a thumbprint scanner. Everyone then moves into a giant communications chamber where we see the entire point of this island. This group of Hawaiian shirt wearing middle-aged men is an agency that keeps governments as clients and deciphers information regarding terrorist activities for said clients. They do so by sitting around a massive holographic display where they are monitored as they assess incoming information and computer simulations. The first example that they deal with involves a passenger jet which the White House Press Secretary is claiming in a press conference was shot down by Koreans. They look at the flight data and various recreations, as JCVD watches the press conference over and over again, until finally he declares that the Press Secretary is lying. Upon hearing this, they discover evidence that this is the case and congratulations are passed out accordingly. So to sum up what we’ve just seen, JCVD’s expertise literally just came down to saying, “that dude’s lying” without giving so much as a reason why he believed that was the case. Awesome.

Moments later we see JCVD standing out on the edge of a cliff, looking out at the ocean and pining for either his freedom or a pair of inexcusably tight pants. Not really sure which is the case. As he looks down, Van Damme sees that the surrounding ocean is being guarded by an underwater laser grid system. Belloq joins JCVD and tells him that no one has ever escaped the island. Beyond the technical barriers like the thumbprint sign in and the laser grid system in the water, everyone is assigned a secret guardian whom watches over their assignee and makes sure that they don’t escape. It’s kind of like your office’s Secret Santa system, if Santa only delivered painful and merciless death.

The movie then turns to JCVD’s wife, who is sitting and staring out into the rain, hoping that even though she believes him to be dead, her ballerina will somehow come home. She gets a phone call and we discover that she’s been commissioned for an art exhibit, which we later discover has been set up by none other than Mickey Rourke. We can only imagine that he’s keeping her close so that Mickey can rape her mouth in the same way that he wished he could have with JCVD when he had the chance.

The movie turns back to the island and we see that a cargo plane is flying into view, which gives JCVD the first inklings of his master plan of escape. The plane flies in and dumps a bundle of supplies into the ocean near the island. The laser grid is turned off just before the cargo hits the water and a team of people are there to pull the delivery up onto a raft right away. A similar load is also prepared and left on another raft to be taken away, so the plane loops back around and picks it up using the same “sky hook” technique that Batman used to capture the Chinese accountant in The Dark Knight, where a hook on a cable snatches up the cargo as it flies by. There are two questions that I have in seeing this process. First, who is just working on that island? If it’s so top-secret that its residents can never leave, how the hell did you manage to convince people to come work here? Second, what exactly are they leaving for the plane to take away? Is that just garbage? Is there no other way to get rid of it? Or are they producing something on that island? I’d like to think that’s the case and that when the residents aren’t analyzing terrorist data, they’re busy assembling McHappy Meal toys.

Seeing his window of opportunity, JCVD is inspired and begins a rigorous routine. He begins marking his calendar, monitoring his progress as he tries to bring his body back into fighting/dancing shape. And how does he do that? By doing the splits, naturally. But in order to make it look legitimate, he’s doing the splits by putting one leg up a door frame and leaning into it. And much like Gymkata and almost every other JCVD movie ever created, we get a sweet taint shot as he’s wearing shorts that are just a little too damn short. But it’s not just his crotch that needs to be finely tuned. We see JCVD lying in the bath tub, using a lit cigarette as a timer as he tries to hold his breath under water for longer and longer.

This montage of sweetness is interrupted by another scene where the group is analyzing another terrorist act. As they all sit in their circle, watching incoming footage, JCVD deciphers a code that has been left for him. It consists of graffiti that’s been left on a wall that says, “I have your butterfly”. Because JCVD’s wife has a butterfly tattoo, he knows exactly what this means and who has left it for him. But instead of telling anyone else, JCVD says that this is not work of Rourke, but a copycat. Jean Claude knows the ante has been upped now, so it’s time for….MORE TRAINING!

JCVD kicks his routine into high gear, with deeper and deeper splits. He uses his bed sheet tied to a bucket of rocks as a pulley to exercise his legs, and then begins to kick the bucket as hard as he can until it explodes and sends rocks everywhere. That just seems like it’s inviting anyone with half a brain to investigate what the hell he’s doing. He might as well be wearing a t-shirt that says, “Ask me about my complicated escape plan.” But then the scene turns to something even better. Once again JCVD uses his bed sheet, but this time he’s got it tied to the front of his bathtub as he loops it over his neck and shoulders and begins to lift it off the floor. The ridiculous hip thrusts and the expression on his face make it look like he’s having sex with that bath, which is only amplified as he slowly raises his arms and puts his hands behind his head, using nothing but sheer crotch power. This is singlehandedly the most ridiculous, yet sexiest exercise I’ve ever seen in any movie.

Preparations continue as the movie shows JCVD taking an exacto knife and cutting off a layer of skin from his thumb, which he will use with an elaborate system reminiscent of the breakfast machine in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure that will go through a series of motions before ending with an eraser touching JCVD’s severed thumbprint to the scanner. I’m sure that like me, you’re asking how the hell he managed to get his hands on an exacto knife in the first place. And since no answer is forthcoming, let’s just say that he made one out of soap, discarded fishing lures, and intestinal cramping. Finally, everything is in place.

As the cargo plane once again approaches the island, we see JCVD standing on the edge of the cliff, waiting. Back in his room, the elaborate system that he set up works its magic and hits the fingerprint scanner, successfully telling the security system that he has checked into his room. As the cargo is being dropped, JCVD dives from the cliff and touches down just after the laser grid is deactivated. As Van Damme begins to swim underwater toward the raft where the load is waiting to be taken away, he is suddenly attacked from behind. It’s his old BFF in a scuba suit, trying to grab JCVD from behind and get his revenge. But the Muscles from Brussels will have none of it. He tosses a series of punches and kicks, which anyone who’s ever tried to do anything underwater could tell you shouldn’t move fast enough to hurt a geriatric fly on life support, that results in his attacker losing his breathing aparatus and being pushed back. Van Damme then swims on and comes up underneath the raft, just as the workers have finished preparing the load to be picked up. Seeing the plane is only seconds away, JCVD’s hand punches through the bottom of the raft and latches onto the bundle, just before it’s snatched away by the plane. He and the cargo package soar off into the air to freedom. Back in the water, we see that JCVD’s BFF has finally got himself composed, just in time for the laser grid to come back on and cause him to explode. Damn. So wait a minute…let’s review that. That guy was wearing a scuba suit, therefore he must have known ahead of time that JCVD had planned on escaping. Why didn’t he stop him before he made it into the water? And what did he plan on doing if he had actually managed to round up JCVD underwater? No matter what he had done, there was no way that he could have got them both out of the water in time to escape the laser grid. So was he intending that they both die?

Anyways, we return to the movie and see JCVD holding onto the dangling cargo netting as the plane slowly pulls the load into its rear door. As the cargo finally makes it all the way in and the first member of the flight crew comes to check things out, he’s surprised by JCVD, who has the courtesy to ask him if he has a parachute before he kicks the dude out the open bay. JCVD then leaps to his feet and runs to meet the other two crew members in the bay, attacking the first one with a sliding leg attack that the man should have seen coming three weeks in advance. But quickly those two men are also tossed out the back of the plane, as Van Damme takes a gun and manages to get into the cockpit, where he successfully completes the hijacking. And just as he soars away into the horizon, the movie turns back to the island where Belloq enters JCVD’s room and discovers that he’s escaped. Curses.

We travel back to Antwerp’s red light district next, where Dennis Rodman is outside his S&M nightclub/weapons lair, getting onto a motorcycle in an outfit that would make Liberace blush. Just as he’s about to pull away, we see the bike’s back tire lift, keeping him from going anywhere. Dennis turns and sees that JCVD is holding up the back of his bike with surprising ease. I don’t think this movie realizes how heavy a motorcycle, especially one with a very large man on it, really is. There’s no way that JCVD is lifting that thing. After a brief and pointless struggle, Dennis Rodman lets JCVD back into his cache and loads him up with guns, before he has the common sense to ask for payment and discover that JCVD isn’t carrying any money. Van Damme promises that he’s got access to three CIA accounts, which he will hand over to Dennis in payment. Rodman again shows that he’s nothing like an actual arms dealer and agrees. Pushing his luck, JCVD then also asks for help in getting back home, which once again Rodman agrees to. Goddamn, this is just neighborly. I hope Rodman offers to do his taxes next.

In the next scene, JCVD and Dennis are in a plane, getting ready to jump out. They eventually dive and come together in the air, where JCVD pulls a chord on Dennis’s suit. This causes them to be encompassed by a goddamn inflated ball, which is naturally painted to look like a basketball and protects them as they hit the ground. That is so unforgivably stupid that I’m surprised they didn’t go through a goddamn hoop first and have Rodman yell something about making a three pointer.

Now that he’s back on land, JCVD continues on to his house, where he sees a woman with what appears to be a baby inside. It’s clearly not his wife, but could it be a nanny taking care of his young child? No. JCVD sneaks around the back and enters his home, slowly making his way up to the crib just as the strange woman walks away from it. He peeks in and sees that instead of a baby, there’s a bomb inside that’s only got two seconds left on it. He turns and leaps away, probably getting only about two feet away, just as a massive explosion goes off. But rather than incinerating him as basic human intelligence dictates would be the case, instead He somehow comes rocketing out of the house along with the flames. He then jumps over a van that is racing onto the scene, when it crashes into the house causing yet another explosion and we get a sweet camera shot where he’s diving away from the massive fireball behind him. Just as random henchmen start coming to investigate, he somehow manages to twist himself around in midair and land on his back on an inflatable raft in his pool, where he immediately starts shooting the henchmen with unmatched accuracy. Once he has them dealt with, JCVD climbs out of the pool and turns to see the woman who was dressed as the nanny as she stumbles around the flaming rubble that was his house with a gun. Considering she had just walked away when he discovered the bomb, she couldn’t have been more than ten feet away either when it went off, so it’s just as fucking stupid that she’s still alive, but at least she has the common courtesy to look like hell. JCVD looks over at her, then decides to turn his back to her for some reason that only him, Jesus, and Gino Vanelli knows. She begins to shoot at him, which is apparently much to his surprise, before he returns fire while she commits her dying act of lobbing a grenade in his direction. It lands in the pool beside him, he gets an extremely constipated look on his face, and once again we get an awesome shot of him diving through the air as a massive explosion goes off behind him. Of course, I wouldn’t think a grenade that’s completely submerged in a pool could create an explosion considering it’s surrounded by water with no flammable substance to be found anywhere. But apparently, I’m an idiot.

That scene of true excellence comes to a close as JCVD stumbles away from his house and discovers a car that one of the henchmen must have been driving a short ways down the road. Inside it’s playing a message from Mickey Rourke on repeat, which is telling JCVD that he has his wife and that the baby’s due tomorrow while a postcard on the windshield shows him where to go. Insidious. As JCVD stops to digest this information and consider cleaning the sourfudge loaf out of his underwear, Dennis Rodman emerges from the darkness just in time to smack down the last remaining henchmen with a combination of karate chops and love. JCVD turns to Rodman and explains that he needs to get to Rome immediately. Rodman grins like he just cut a fart and tells him not to worry, he’ll take care of the transportation.

The movie takes a moment away from cancer inducing action to deliver some spine-jarring comedy in the next scene, which shows Rodman in a tight, ridiculous orange hood, stealing a car that looks to be smaller than an Austin Mini. As he goes to drive away, he cracks open its sunroof and sticks his head out the top…get this…because he’s too tall for the car! HILARITY ABOUNDS!

After a quick scene with Belloq that shows that he clearly knows where JCVD is going, as the entire colony is keeping tabs on him somehow, the movie proceeds to the hotel in Rome that Rourke told JCVD to travel to. Rodman walks in and collects a package that has been left for Van Damme with the front desk attendant before he takes it outside to a café where JCVD is sipping on a coffee. After a poorly acted exchange, JCVD admits to Rodman that the three accounts that he had promised him were CIA fronts that had no money in them. Rodman demands to know why JCVD’s been lying to him, at which point JCVD reveals the contents of the package that Rodman had picked up at the hotel: a sonogram of his unborn child. Rather than being horrified, the arms dealer with the heart of gold instead agrees to join JCVD and stop Rourke. But as inspiring as this is, it’s immediately destroyed by another goddamn basketball reference.

Rodman: “It’s time to get off the bench.”

JCVD: “The best defense is a good offense.”

WHAT?! That doesn’t even make sense. But they top it off with a ridiculous signature handshake: a fist bump followed by a quarter turn of the wrist, just to lock into place. The only way that could be dumber is if they showed the discussion where the two of them decided on that, followed by the couple of practice tries that would be required to do that routine.

The movie then turns to them planning their attack, while talking to each other with their faces so close together that they only way it could be described as appropriate was if they were going to start making out at any moment. Their plan consists of JCVD sending a fake message back to The Colony telling them where Rourke will be and suggesting that they act, which he knows will be intercepted by Mickey Rourke. How, I’m not sure. But moments later we see that Rourke has in fact caught wind of the message, just as anticipated.

JCVD’s grand scheme soon comes to fruition, as we see a square with a whole shitload of things going on in it. There are vendors, a wedding, and a bunch of people just hanging out. And once again, showing as much subtlety as a coked up elephant in china shop, there are various government agents standing around everywhere making very poor attempts to look like they’re undercover. Dennis Rodman strides into view and crosses over to meet the greatest spectacle in the scene, however; JCVD in a ridiculous wig, trying to look like a punk. Goddamn, that looks glorious. If that doesn’t scream NARC, I don’t know what does. They sit and wait, looking around at the spectacle before them when JCVD notices that there’s a car waiting at a traffic light nearby with his wife sitting in the back seat. He runs for it, screaming her name as it takes off. Trying to give chase, JCVD eventually comes face to face with Rourke, where another unintelligible conversation ensues. But seeing JCVD and Rourke standing together causes all the government agents to jump into action, and once again everyone starts shooting at everyone else with no discernable goal in mind. And once again, like the carnival sting earlier in the film, I have no idea what’s going on.

Eventually JCVD ends up running off towards a building after a sniper that had been set up on one of the roofs. I’m not sure why he’s picked this person to target, but whatever. Dennis Rodman is also in pursuit, and you know that means it’s time for more basketball bullshit. He grabs a dude standing on the opposite side of a car from him, brings him over the hood and tosses him into the window of a passing bus, yelling, “he’s up, he’s in”. Fuck you, Dennis. With that done, we turn back to Van Damme who has followed the sniper back to the door of the hotel room where, unbeknownst to him, they had been keeping his wife a short time ago. A very unremarkable fight scene ensues, as Jean Claude disposes of the sniper and another random Asian dude that kicks his shoes at JCVD and then proceeds to attack him with a switchblade that he holds between his toes. I’m not sure, but I think watching this scene just caused my sperm count to drop. But before it ends, JCVD looks around the room and finds a sticker with his wife’s name on it stuck to a mirror.

We are treated to a quick scene where Rourke has taken JCVD’s wife to a church hospital to give birth, while warning his hechmen to be on the lookout for Van Dammes before the movie returns to our heroes as JCVD knocks on the door of a monastery and is greeted by a friar. The monk beacons Van Damme inside and takes him down to the basement of the church, which is a room full of computer equipment and a large group of monks who are hanging out with Dennis Rodman. I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that this room might be the source of ninety five percent of the kiddie porn on the Internet. But these future guests of To Catch A Predator are apparently allies of Rodman’s, as Dennis supplied them with all their hi-tech gear. The monks start running a trace on the sticker that JCVD found, which is apparently the label off of a prescription. If these elderly men are like most I’ve met in my time, they’re search will consist of opening a SPAM email they received promising them discounts prescriptions on Viagra before they get a virus and their entire system is shut down. But before they can acquire anything useful on their own, they suddenly received a bunch of data that’s being sent to the by The Colony, telling them of Rourke’s exact location and where he’s keeping JCVD’s wife. How the fuck do they know that? And how the fuck did they instantaneously hack into this system to relay that information? But rather than question how retarded this whole thing is, JCVD just sends them back a message saying thanks for their blessing.

JCVD and Rodman then make their way through secret underground tunnels as they travel to the hospital where Rourke is keeping Van Damme’s wife. This is exactly what a shitty movie needs. More goddamn tunnels. If they exit out of a goddamn culvert, we’re turning this movie off right now. Thankfully that’s not the case as they finally reach a grate that they must exit out of, which Dennis Rodman immediately begins to wire with explosives that he just happens to be carrying on him. The bomb has a wire on it, but it’s too short for them to detonate the explosive from a safe distance, so the two of them stand back as Rodman tries throwing random skulls that are at their feet in an attempt to somehow set the bomb off by hitting the wire. His first toss misses, so it’s time for another shitty basketball reference:

Rodman: “Airball!”

JCVD: “You need more practice.”

Rodman: “I never miss twice.”

Seriously, cut that shit out. Even atheists would agree that every time you make a ridiculous basketball reference, God kills a puppy with a sledgehammer. But with that bit of genius dropped on the world, Rodman hits the wire on his second toss which causes the desired explosion. Finally they make their way out into the city and continue on.

The movie turns briefly to JCVD’s wife, as she has finished giving birth to her child. Rourke tells one of his men to wait a few minutes and then kill the wife and doctor. Unsurprisingly, moments later that man finds a way to fail to do both.

Meanwhile, JCVD and Rodman finally make their way into the hospital/ancient ruins. JCVD heads up to find his wife while Rodman takes on a group of random guys while spouting exceptionally unfunny lines about being quiet in a hospital. JCVD finally finds his wife and her doctor, who are inexplicably still hanging out in the same room even after an attempt had been made on their lives only moments earlier. But the reunion is quickly spoiled, as Van Damme realizes that Rourke has made off with his son. Just then, Rodman rejoins him and tells him to go after Rourke and leave the women to him. JCVD agrees, figuring that Rodman wears enough make up that he’s definitely safe to leave his wife with, and runs off, beginning one of the most epic final battles known to man.

JCVD wanders into the middle of an ancient, open coliseum where Mickey Rourke is waiting for him. He has JCVD’s son in a bassinette and, naturally, he’s standing there with no shirt on. Because we all know that if you’re going to have a final showdown, you have to play shirts versus skins.

But just then, Rourke reveals one final mini-boss that JCVD will have to face before they can begin their dance of death, as a tiger suddenly comes loping into the arena. And like all final battles, Rourke has also added one last infuriatingly unnecessary obstacle, pointing out that there are many small crosses all over the dirt floor of the coliseum, all of which are marking the location of landmines. The tiger strolls up to the baby in the bassinette, as it sits between it and JCVD. In a desperate and yet supreme showcase of power, JCVD races up, kicks the tiger and sends it skidding away.

But just as all seems lost, Dennis Rodman comes ripping into the arena on a motorbike which he apparently produced from his lower intestine, as I can’t think of any other place that he could have been hiding it. Rodman tears past JCVD and snatches away the child, somehow managing to avoid all the landmines that he shouldn’t know are there. And to add insult to injury, he then proceeds to rip around the arena for no discernable reason, rather than just leave straight away. And yet he still manages to not hit any of the mines. Eventually he leaves and we see him traveling down a nearby corridor, where he sees a sizeable hole in a wall near the floor. And even though there’s a goddamn tiger roaming around on the loose that could easily find and access this area, Dennis decides that this is a great place to stash the kid so that he can go back and kick some ass. Brilliant. Don’t forget to smear the kid with barbeque sauce before you leave, professor.

Back in the arena, JCVD is squaring off once again with the tiger. But realizing that doing the splits and trying to punch it in the dong will probably be futile, he wisely decides that the better course of action is to run like hell. He darts out of the arena and down a hallway where he comes to a rickety wood structure that couldn’t pass for a bridge in the most desolate areas of Mongolia, where he kicks a beam that causes the whole thing to collapse, dropping the pursuing tiger down to another level where a random henchman that’s trying to shoot Van Damme serves as a convenient meal. Just then, Rodman joins back up with JCVD again and advises this time that they bail, as the whole place is going to explode soon. From what, exactly? You know what, nevermind. JCVD tells him to take care of his son, as he’s going to go end things once and for all with Rourke.

So once again, Van Damme strolls into the coliseum and battle finally begins. As one would imagine, several minutes of extremely generic martial arts fighting ensues, which takes them out into and adjoining hallway before making their way back into the arena. And as this is going on, Belloq finally arrives on site, hopefully to once again act as the vehicle for the scorching vengeance of a petty and spiteful god and melt all these useless shits. Rodman runs across the arena to get a piece of the action, only to immediately step on a landmine, making the fact that he managed to avoid them earlier all the more insulting. But before a hilarious “oops” scene that results in a janitor having to gather up chunks of skull with badly dyed hair on it can take place, Rodman finds a way to reset the pin in the landmine and saves himself. Meanwhile, our two main characters separate from grappling for a moment, when JCVD puts his foot down right next to one of the crosses marking the location of a mine, and Rourke snickers at his bad luck. But Van Damme moves his foot, showing that the assumed landmine is not there. Just then, Rourke himself puts his foot down in a place that is not marked by a cross and hears the telltale click of doom. Rodman then pipes up, telling Rourke that he swapped the location of a bunch of his crosses. WHAT? Isn’t it fairly retarded to move the crosses around, leaving unmarked landmines all over the place? JCVD could have just as easily stepped on that, or even Rodman himself (since I doubt he’d remember where they all were). How is turning an already difficult obstacle into a random one a better move? But regardless, our two heroes enjoy a moment of self-satisfaction about leading Rourke into his inevitable doom. Well, it’s inevitable unless you count the fact that Rodman himself just managed to replace the pin and step off of a mine. If you look at it that way, then they’ve left him with a minor inconvenience at best. But Rourke would have to act fast, as just then the tiger strolls back into the arena. Rodman and JCVD run to safety, leaving the tiger looking over at Rourke and seeing its next greasy, chlamydia-ridden meal.

As they dash down a hallway, JCVD and Rodman return to where the child was left, finding it in the waiting arms of Belloq. At the same time back in the arena, the tiger makes its lunge at Rourke just as he lifts his foot off the mine, and they both go up in a blaze of shame. This of course causes all of the other landmines to explode, resulting in a massive inferno that comes roaring down the hallway after JCVD, Rodman, and Belloq as they try to run to safety. Before going on, I’d just like to point out the fact that all of the landmines exploding just because one went off is certifiably insane. Minefields in the real world wouldn’t be much of a threat if they did that. One unlucky bastard would step on one, the whole bunch of them would go up in flames, and the area would be clear. The whole point of landmines is that you have to make your way through a whole FIELD of them, hence the term MINEFIELD. But anyways, as we turn back to our heroes, we see that they are clearly not able to outrun speeding flames, so they instead duck behind a Coke vending machine, which is one of a group of them that is conveniently placed along that hallway. Those might not seem so grossly out of place if there had been so much as one other modern device seen anywhere in this complex in any other scene, but these are the first. So why the hell are those there? And as they duck behind this Coke-laden change-guzzling savior, the flames of the explosion scream past them as they are fully engulfed and yet totally untouched. A few seconds later, the fire is gone and they are left standing there, laughing and strangely craving a Pepsi.

Finally safe, JCVD takes a moment to look at his new son as he moves to get into their getaway car. But before he can climb in, he turns to see Belloq standing a few feet away pointing a gun at him. DAMN! Belloq asks for a souvenir, consisting of, no shit, JCVD’s shirt and a piece of his hair. An awkward moment passes while JCVD tries to digest this bizarre autograph request, which is broken by Rodman pulling out a coin and tossing it into the air. As it hits the ground, it explodes into a plume of smoke and JCVD uses the distraction to dive into the car and tear off to safety. As Rodman and Belloq stand waiting for the smoke to clear, Belloq starts laughing like a lunatic at what just transpired and they both join in the giggling insanity. After a truly baffling farewell, Belloq takes off in his own car, leaving the black man to take the rap with the police. And that’s it. THAT’S where the movie ends. And really, why not?

The Verdict:

Donkey: With an outstanding career like Van Damme’s, it’s really hard to pick a true champion, one film to rule them all. After all, we’ve already discussed the brilliance of Street Fighter: The Movie, nevermind the dozen other contenders to come. But Double Team makes a strong case for the title. After all, the perfect way to counter the awesomeness of Van Damme is with the boldly insane combination of Mickey Rourke and Dennis Rodman. Then further destroy things by making Van Damme perform ridiculous exercises that will be burned into the brains of your viewers for the rest of their lives. Then flush it all away with an ending where your heroes are saved by a Coke machine. A fucking COKE MACHINE. This one’s a no-brainer. I give it five shameful basketball references out of five.

What We Learned:

Donkey: Duck and cover is most certainly bullshit, but standing behind a Coke machine can save you from any and all infernos. Remember that when the bombs fall, people.

Don’t forget to check back every Thursday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Comic book movies reach a new low in both movie and character quality as we examine…CAPTAIN AMERICA.

Back To The Main Page.