Sorry monkey...we all know that when The Asylum is involved, common sense has to die a terrible, poorly produced death.

Donkey: We all love music on some level, whether it serves as an artist prism through which we relate to the world around us or merely as a basic bass line that we use to jackhammer our crotches into the hips of a woman too busy supplementing her lack of self esteem with an metric ton of alcohol to dismiss our inane attempts at seduction. But when it comes to the various categories of music lovers, the group that I always found the most interesting was those who seemed all too happy to dismiss their favorite groups as “sell-outs” the moment someone actually cut them a cheque big enough that they as a collective could afford a whole pack of Big League Chew. When I first got into music as a teenager, I wondered if these people actually believed that musicians are only respectable artists when they’re sleeping on a friend’s couch after putting in a solid day of toiling in obscurity, but eventually I concluded that even the most pompous amongst us has to truly know in their heart of hearts (medically referred to as your chest balls) that no one could possibly be stupid enough to turn down the chance to get paid to do something they love. Besides, if you only consider something to be truly artistic when it’s yowled from the underwhelming mouth of those with an income-earning disability, then I’d gladly refer you to a few homeless people I’ve met in my time who would be more than happy to give you a mind-blowing sidewalk rendition of Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy in exchange for a patient ear that will stick around afterward to listen to the long, painful story of how they lost their left shoe. When I really stopped to think about it, the answer became quite clear. These people didn’t care so much about money or the illusion of artistic integrity so much as they were simply angry that everyone else had suddenly jumped on a bandwagon that they had found first. To this day I have never once experienced that kind of jealous pouting for myself. But I will admit that recently in the arena of movies, I came close.

After having spent so much time devoted to a website dedicated to protecting the world from the horrors awaiting them should they stumble across certain movies that few had ever heard of – particularly the works of one particular production company – you can imagine my surprise when I came across a major website detailing “the most watched trailers of 2009” only to find an Asylum film prominently displayed on the list. You heard me: the most watched trailers of the goddamn year. Every other movie was a major studio release that undoubtedly served as spank material for a legion of fanboys (Avatar, Transformers: Rise Of The Fallen, Terminator Salvation) and yet there it was amongst them, standing out like a moderately attractive woman in a Warhammer shop: Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus. Garnering a huge following after its trailer was unleashed upon YouTube, people apparently flocked to it in droves because of the combination of a ridiculous name and some of the signature Asylum scenes that you and I would expect, which can only be described as a God-forsaken attack on your nervous system. But the insanity didn’t stop there. I soon discovered that with the unexpected success of that movie, The Asylum decided to release a similarly themed follow up in the form of Mega Piranha.

The hype was stunning, but all we could think was…really? This movie? Of all Asylum movies, this is the one people notice? With the incentive of having so many people know it, we knew that we’d have to address it. And since its pseudo-sequel was so closely tied in every regard, limiting our conversation to one of them simply won’t be good enough. Like tearing the Band-Aid off quickly, it just makes sense to tackle them both at once. So with well-documented history that has earned us a small measure of authority, join us as we wade through the path of destruction left in their wake as we examine these latest atrocities, deciding not only which one if the better movie but also if the victor is truly worthy of The Asylum’s lineage.

The Plot:

Spoiler Alert: Despite the misleading poster, this movie is actually about the two deadliest combatants in a regional chess championship.

Donkey: Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus begins beneath the waves of the Pacific just off the shores of Alaska while bombarding us with underwater stock footage of what is clearly not anywhere near Alaska. There we join a marine researcher named Emma who appears to be researching nothing in particular when she unexpectedly witnesses a pod of whales to freak out due to a nearby sonar test, resulting in them smashing into the massive ice wall of a nearby glacier. This causes the soon discovered icy tomb to eventually shatter and free a pair of deadly adversaries that have been frozen in time; the fabled Mega Shark and Giant Octopus. Instantly revived after countless centuries, the two beasts immediately rocket off in different directions and proceed to wreak havoc across the world in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine unless your parents had decided to potty train you as a child by punching you directly in the brain. With no one willing to listen to her recounting of the tale she had witnessed, Emma enlists the help of her old professor, Lamar, and his Japanese colleague, Shimada who joins them after an oil rig off the coast of Japan is taken down by the Giant Octopus. But it’s not long before this dream team has company in trying to Encyclopedia Brown the case, as the US Navy finally begins to recognize the peril that they’re facing when the Mega Shark sinks a fucking battleship just by ramming it with its face. Brought in to provide counsel under the watchful eye of shadowy government official, our three musketeers are charged with the task of finding a way to stop the ancient menaces. After a plan involving pheromones and what I’m guessing would have been a couple of dudes in scuba suits ready to give giant hand jobs fails miserably, the military is ready to jump straight to the nuclear option when our trio finally comes up with a plan that sends the ancient warriors back to the cold depths for all time.

Sounds pretty good, huh? Or at the very least a better way to pass 90 minutes than staring into the void of oblivion while mentally reliving all your past failures? Well, you’re half right. So the question becomes: how can you possibly follow that up? If you don’t know the answer to that, then you really haven’t been paying attention to Asylum movies.

"To save mankind"? Why would any experiment for the good of mankind involve goddamn piranhas? That would be like trying to develop a more reliable family sedan by testing on AIDS.

Enter Mega Piranha. After being awaken in his dank apartment by the Secretary of State via a video phone that doesn’t actually exist, Jason Fitch – Special Forces – is sent to Venezuela to investigate the mysterious death of a US ambassador who was killed on a river cruise. But Fitch can’t possibly be ready for what awaits him as he arrives in the country just to be accosted at the airport by Sarah Monroe, a genetics professor from UCLA whose research is directly responsible for the events leading up to his assignment. It is explained that Fitch has actually arrived to face a catastrophic danger about to engulf all of humanity in the form an escaped strain of killer piranha that are expanding exponentially in size after being developed in her lab. Until now, Sarah’s pleas for help have been ignored by Colonel Diaz, a military junta commander, but all that changes when Fitch confirms her story by traveling to the local river, engaging in an underwater knife fight with a school of the killer fish, and capturing a specimen that jumps out onto the riverbank after him. He delivers the obviously rubber corpse to Sarah’s team and the news of his discovery to Diaz. Forced into action, Diaz finally does his part by firing blindly into the river from a few helicopters, managing to accomplish nothing more than freeing the menace even further by breaking the only natural dam in their path. Then just to be a dick, he arrests Monroe and her team, blaming them for the crisis and calling the fish a CIA plot, which is probably the only rational explanation of why you’d be bio-genetically enhancing piranhas, if you think about it. But their incarceration is short-lived as Fitch springs them in a daringly uneventful rescue just before the full horror of the evil piranha is revealed in an attack on the city by the now-giant fish for no reason I could possibly comprehend. In the face of the expanding danger, Fitch and the gang plan an attack where the local river meets the ocean, hoping that the piranha will stop there since they are fresh water fish. But the massive US battleship that Fitch calls in to lead the river mouth assault fails as miserably as Diaz’s helicopter attack did, establishing for a second time how fucking dumb the idea of blind gunfire into a river in the hopes of hitting fish truly is. With nothing left to stop them, the piranhas not only successfully migrate into the ocean, but they also manage to destroy the fucking battleship along the way.

Staring multiple failures in the face at this point, Fitch and the team manage to escape in a helicopter to regroup with the Secretary of State at a floating fortress where they discover that the US military has come up with a plan to – well who would have guessed it? – nuke the fuckers. But unlike Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus, in this movie they actually go through with it and to no one’s surprise, it doesn’t work. As a matter of fact, all it does is piss off the fish enough that they attack the nuclear submarine that fired upon them and cause it to fucking explode after less than a dozen bites. How? Don’t ask, because the answer would be the logical equivalent of a fart directly into your mouth. But just as the military masterminds come up with a new plan to hit the marine-based scourge with an even bigger nuclear attack, Fitch proposes a slightly different idea. Leading a team of commandos packing guns that couldn’t look any less realistic if they were Laser Cats, Fitch dives into the fucking ocean and tries unsuccessfully to take them out in hand-to-gills combat. So after taking a break from the deep sea battle just long enough to jump back up into a helicopter unknowingly piloted by Diaz and his henchmen only to kill them using a flare gun and a piranha-attracting remote, Fitch jumps back into the ocean and finally manages to turn the tide and defeat the horde. But of course by this time the piranhas have already attacked the Florida Keys, resulting in immeasurable destruction and countless shots of innocent civilians getting hilariously devoured.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Donkey: Now that we know the basics, let’s cut to the chase and put these two titans of bullshit in their head-to-head match up of destiny. But first let me just go on record right now to say that no matter what happens, the real winner won’t be rational comprehension.

Star Power: Washed Up 80’s Pop Starlets? Check!

Her follow up to the smash hit Electric Youth might not catch on quite as well: Middle Aged Mediocrity.

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus: When it comes to casting, this movie doesn’t fuck around, attacking with a three point combination strike of deadly mediocrity. The opening punch lands softly enough in the form of background players who leave us awash in a sea of familiar faces not seen since another true Asylum classic, Death Racers. But that’s just warming up for the throat jab to come, as the film’s true star power shines its blazing dullness when we discover that the lead role of Emma belongs to the indispensable Deborah Gibson. Yes, THE Deborah Gibson of Electric Youth fame. If your heart just fluttered upon hearing that news, chances are that you’re either a soccer mom or just about ready to snuggle up and watch Queer As Folk with your life-partner. Seeing as I’m neither, I couldn’t give much of a shit beyond being stunned that anyone actually bothered to cast her. And after being left reeling from that remarkable obscurity, the death strike comes soon after as the role of the shadowy government agent tasking Debbie with saving the world is performed by the über-douche, Lorenzo Lamas. If you don’t know much about this bowl of cocksnot, I recommend looking up him and his laser pointer antics on the mercifully short-lived reality show Are You Hot?, where he and his in-no-way-ridiculous looking ponytail had the audacity to serve as a judge whose sole purpose was to break down and criticize people on their physical appearance. Granted that while anyone who appeared on the show was likely narcissistic enough to deserve it, this shining example of truly noteworthy idiocy has nevertheless earned him a permanent place in the Despicable Douche Hall of Premature Ejaculation and Mustard-Stained Tank Top Fame. Seriously, the fact that he didn’t end every one of his critiques with, “…but what the fuck do I know? I’m Lorenzo-goddamn-Lamas! My opinion is only worth its weight in drunken broom handle sodomy!” is astounding to me.

Somewhere in this distance you can hear, "What you gotta do is you gotta make the battleship go faster! Take corners tighter!"

Mega Piranha: No slouch in its own right, the spiritual sequel puts up some tough competition in this category. You want Asylum alumni? Well, no one really does, but regardless it’s got an all-time favorite in Johnny Johnny Johnny from Street Racer, who makes an all-too-short appearance as the captain of the US battleship that fails to stop the piranhas only to be ultimately destroyed in the river attack. You want mildly inappropriate but exceptionally obscure actors with questionable audience appeal? See how you like the busboy from the classic episode of Seinfeld filling in as Colonel Diaz, or the timeless Greg Brady himself, Barry Williams, playing the Secretary of State for a whole 7 minutes of screen time. But the true genius comes when the movie matches Debbie Gibson’s obscure 80’s starlet power with another teenage sensation who was equally brief in relevance; Tiffany of I Think We’re Alone Now fame. I’d be proud to say that I knew very little about her, but alas Weird Al’s cover of her biggest hit made sure that she was at least on my radar enough as a child to know that she apparently spent her own childhood performing in malls, making her something that even now I would go as far out of my way to avoid as an Abercrombie & Fitch.

In a surprisingly blunt moment of honestly, Tiffany explains just how far "up to here" America had it with her by 1988.

Winner: Mega Piranha. While Lorenzo Lamas makes a strong case, attempting to douche his way to a victory for his cast, this battle was never that close. Johnny Johnny Johnny is a force that’s matched by few among the Asylum regulars. And while Debbie Gibson’s acting can only be described as “pretty bad”, that’s actually a step up from her music (I’ve never actually heard the sound of an asthmatic goat bleating for its life while being fed into a wood chipper, but I’m still pretty sure I’d rather listen to that). Tiffany, on the other hand, delivers a truly stunning performance that couldn’t have seemed more uncomfortable and unsettling if she were reading her lines off a ransom note telling her that her children being held by the local chapter of NAMBLA.

Love Scenes: Unmotivated And Mildly Creepy? Check!

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus: After the three Heroes of Science and Might are enlisted by the US Army to stop the titular beasts, the team jumps into action via a random montage of clearly unrelated beaker-based “research” which I’m pretty sure is nothing more than my first year university chemistry lab on titration. But while this is obviously not at all helping the problem at hand, it turns out that it is serving a far more insidious purpose: love. For some reason all this pointless busywork on needless experiments gets Debbie Gibson and Shimada, the Japanese scientist, into the mood for some sweaty junk fondling in a nearby broom closet. The kind of discomfort that is shared between both the actors performing this and we the audience while try to watch it is usually reserved for finding your grandma’s “personal massaging device” and slowly realizing why it was in a drawer that reeks of AstroGlide, Rub-A535 cream, and ribbon candy. Seriously, the only way it could be more fucked up is if Debbie’s elderly father was there coaching Shimada along on his quest to find her G-spot.

You know what else drips like this, science boy? Let's just say your doctor will tell you in a few days. Now shut up and kiss me!

Mega Piranha: This movie takes a far different approach from its predecessor, delivering attempts at romance that are even more half-hearted than my attempts to watch them, most of which are limited to Tiffany sharing a few awkward moments and long stares with Fitch in the last 15 minutes of the movie with no conceivable tension up to that point which would justify it. But what it lacks in heart, it attempts to make up for in unmotivated titty shots at the start of the film, just before those titties are promptly plucked off of a boat and devoured by fish.

At least this random hooker can meet her death with the satisfaction that the silicone is going to kill every fish that was dumb enough to eat her.

Winner: Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus. Watching topless chicks get devoured is something no one can be ready for, but barring an unruly outbreak of lip fungus mashing into a terminal case of gingivitis, it takes a lot for me to see two people start making out and utter the phrase, “ewwwwww” aloud. Nice work, Debbie.

Special Effects: Worthy Of Special Ed? Check!

This film actually deserves a lot of credit for creating CG generated piranhas that somehow manage to look like rubber.

Truly equal in every way, both movies thrill us with signature scenes developed by Tiny Juggernaut, the special effects wizard(s) behind The Asylum’s long-standing legacy of visual splendor, if splendor happens to be a synonym for eyeball rape. Beyond countless little things, both movies wield the best CG that a fistful of “30 cents off Shake N’ Bake” coupons can buy, creating titular animals that look and move like they’re being controlled by a puppet master fighting the onset of psoriatic arthritis with mind-altering hallucinogens, and an endless parade of explosions that you couldn’t look any dumber if they were caused by lighting a fart on fire. And the real icing on the cake is not just that the very expected Asylum policy of allowing the same shots to be used over and over again in each movie is in place. No, it’s that there are a few shots that are used over and over again in both movies. This is the kind of recycling that even Ed Bagley Jr would give you the finger for.

Winner: Ironic comedy. Seriously, that’s about all. Everyone else loses.

Animal Attacks: Hilariously Unmotivated Or Flat-Out Insane? Check!

Like so many boogie boarders can tell you, this bridge's mistake was managing to somehow look like a sea turtle.

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus: When your movie is so goddamn about the epic battle between two non-existent titans that you can’t be bothered to think of a title that doesn’t sound like it was made up on a dare, you know that your movie is going to involve a lot of crazy shit. But while the battle between the enemy combatants is exceptionally pedestrian at best, it’s their attacks on the human populace that truly make the movie. They trade scenes of modest hilarity when Giant Octopus rises out of the ocean to take down an entire oil rig, Mega Shark leaps out of the San Francisco bay to take a massive bit out of the Golden Gate Bridge, and Giant Octopus swats a low-flying fighter jet out of the air with a single swipe of its tentacle. But the modest chuckles these exploits deliver pale in comparison to the movie’s single greatest moment of epic hilarity. Allow me to paint the scene:

High in the clouds somewhere over the deep blue of the ocean, we catch up with a commercial passenger jet as a stewardess walks down its aisle asking for people to remain in their seats. As she draws closer to a young couple, the dude stands up just in time to be jostled by a pocket of turbulence, forcing the flight attendant repeats herself for the 90th time and insist that he sit back down. Somewhat shaken and apparently a 5th degree moron, the kid’s retort is to slowly return to his seat while blurting out that he and his girlfriend are “getting married in two days,” like that statement should somehow magically enable the stewardess to mentally manipulate air streams and smooth out the ride just for him. But as he settles back into his seat, the kid suddenly lurches forward towards the camera and cries, “HOLY SHIT!” Equally startled to attention, we watch as the camera turns to show what the kid sees at that very moment, but just like him, we can’t possibly believe it: the fucking Mega Shark has jumped out of the ocean only to take down the fucking jet with a single chomp of its jaws. That’s right, the fucking shark jumped high enough out of the ocean to take out a passenger jet, which could only be equaled by how far the Dr Pepper shot out of my nose upon witnessing this spectacle.

Sit back and shut up, Frank. No one wants to hear your "there's something on the wing" Shatner impersonation.

Gotta get to that shoe sale!

Mega Piranha: Lesser in scope but not in epic hilarity, this film makes up for its singular source of menacing doom with the sheer volume of stupidity that it invokes. Like our good friend Mega Shark, the killer fish manage to destroy large-scale war vessels, causing battleships to sink and nuclear submarines to explode all through the power of biting. Yes, biting. But it doesn’t stop there. Next the expanding piranhas set their sites on whole cities, attacking Venezuela and then eventually the Florida Keys with the brilliant strategy of leaping out of the water and crashing into random buildings, which somehow causes massive explosions that seem to suggest that the entire infrastructure of these towns was based on gasoline and fireworks depots. And why the fuck any species of fish would be motivated to jump to their own deaths just for shits and giggles, I’ll never know. Of course once the hoard begins its march towards idiocy, the human death toll begins to mount and there are countless shots of people being hilariously crushed or swallowed whole. But like Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus, this movie also has one particular assault that stands out above all the others.

As the killer piranhas carry out their first attack on the Venezuelan city, Fitch runs down to the river to investigate when he notices a random girl dying on the beach. But as he goes to comfort her (read: feel her boob) while she slips into the comfort of oblivion, Fitch becomes the next target of the fishes’ random attack. A piranha jumps out of the nearby river, knocking Fitch to his back as he parries it away. And in that moment of vulnerability as Fitch lies prone, the floodgates open, allowing the movie to truly shatter the notion of awesome itself. Hoping for a mouthful of douche-sandwich, a steady stream of piranha flies out of the river with their sights set directly on our hero. So with no time to get to his feet, Fitch fights off the assault of nearly a dozen flying fish, one immediately after another, by kicking them away in a steady stream of bicycle kicks. Yes, bicycle kicks. Think Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat without the sweet chicken sound or career potential. And the imagery of this conceptually retarded moment is only enhanced by how indescribably poorly it’s executed. Fitch looks like he’s pretending to ride an invisible exercise bike more than actually kicking, and the piranhas being kicked away aren’t actually lined up properly with his kicks.

Damn it. Now my boots are going to smell like fish taint.

Winner: Mega Piranha. A shark jumping high enough to take down a jumbo jet is the very definition of rad and easily makes the movie worthwhile, but there simply aren’t enough of these attacks peppered throughout Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus. On the other hand, Mega Piranha is brimming with idiocy, which Fitch’s foot-work caps off unspeakably well.

Character Development: Heroes Of Mind And Colon Bending Might? Check!

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus: Not in this case, actually. The main characters in this movie couldn’t be much less interesting if they were solving the movie’s crisis while putting on an insurance seminar, stopping only long enough to recite whole pages of the dictionary.

BBOOOORRRRIIINNNNGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

Stealth tactics this terrible are usually reserved for delivering delicious hash browns to unsuspecting victims in Sneak King.

Mega Piranha: On the other hand, one of the true gems of this movie is the main character and professional turd wrangler, Jason Fitch. I have no idea who this actor is and suspect I never will (mostly from not caring enough to find out), but the only way this Jason Bourne wannabe could have been matched was if the Matt Damon puppet from Team America: World Police played the part while screaming that one famous line, “MATT DAMON!” Seriously, this guy’s exploits are the stuff of legend. But how badass is he, you ask? Well how does being stealthy as a fucking ninja strike you? When he first arrives in Venezuela to begin his investigation, the Colonel insists that he stay at the base as an honored guest whose honor it is to be locked under watching eyes. But undeterred in his quest for answers, Fitch merely breaks out of the colonel’s military compound by employing camouflage techniques not seen since a toddler covered his eyes and declared “you can’t see me”, allowing him to go unnoticed by guards while he clings to a fence a mere 3 feet above them in plain sight.

The movie actually would have made just as much sense if the dialogue for the last 30 minutes had been "mmmpphhh mpphh mmphh mmmppphhh!"

Still not impressed? How about the ability to bend physics to your mere whim sound, Jack? Apparently our hero’s complete lack of charisma and screen presence is a result of being traded away for immeasurable power over the very laws of the universe. We first witness this splendor when he’s escaping from Venezuela with Sarah’s team onboard a helicopter with a severed fuel line. A normal man would panic once he realized that he was mere seconds away from an inevitable crash into the ocean, but Fitch instead insists they MacGyver that shit in a way simply unheard of by man, prompting Sarah’s team to hook up an oxygen tank that not only fuels them but somehow gives the helicopter a fucking nitro boost. Impressed yet? Well that’s not all. The second farting in the face of the impossible comes later in the film when Fitch is leading the underwater assault against the giant piranhas. Throughout the duration of the entire battle, Fitch is communicating with his team and the army back at headquarters by talking in a regular speaking voice over his radio connection. That sounds pretty easy, right? The problem is that a fucking breathing apparatus is stuffed into his mouth the entire time, which would make this feat as impressive as singing your way through The Phantom Of The Opera while carrying a batch of newborn kittens in your pie hole.

Winner: Mega Piranha. Hmmm…a man who boot-fucks a school of fish while looking like he’s Sweating To The Oldies, or three lab rats whose greatest accomplishment is to successfully give a prehistoric fish a boner? Tough choice.

The Movie’s Ending:Blatantly Illogical? Check!

So epic that you can barely see what's going on.

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus: At the very least, the ending of this movie is somewhere in the same ballpark as making sense. Sure it’s busy rubbing out a batch of baby-sauce in right field instead of paying attention to the game, but at least it’s close. The punch line ends up being that after repeated failed attempts to destroy the two giants using conventional weapons that should have by all rights torn them to pieces, Debbie Gibson and her crew come up with the brilliant idea of luring the two combatants to the same location in hopes that they will fight each other to the death, eliminating both problems in one fell swoop. So that, go figure, is exactly what happens. After the same scene of Giant Octopus wrapping its tentacles around Mega Shark only to have one of them bitten off is played multiple times, as once again The Asylum blatantly pads its movie while assuming that the audience won’t notice that we’re stuck in a shitty Groundhog Day-esque loop, the two creatures finally sink into the blackness of their watery grave. The only major flaw with this little pearl of storytelling is that if we are to suppose that their hatred for one another was so strong that they are compelled to fight one another to the death upon seeing one another, then why didn’t the ancient enemies do exactly that at the beginning of the movie when they were freed from their ice tombs while quite literally facing one another in mid-battle? Get back to me on that while I’m busy not giving a shit.

So epic that being able to see what's going on actually makes the ending MORE confusing.

Mega Piranha: By contrast, this movie’s ending is a glorious monument to making no sense whatsoever. After taking a break from his underwater battle to dispose of Diaz in his helicopter, Fitch rejoins the fight just in time to go head to head with the same giant piranha that has just finished plucking Diaz’s helicopter out of the air. And with the helicopter still in its jaws, that fish follows Fitch into a coral patch where it gets stuck, leaving it open to attack. Using his last functioning brain cell, Fitch turns and fires, hitting what I assume is the helicopter’s fuel tank which in turn causes an underwater explosion that takes the piranhas entire face off. Now, I know what you’re thinking: didn’t I explain earlier that the piranhas were attacking whole cities by jumping out of the water and landing on buildings, meaning that there are actually lots of these huge fish? You bet. So what should the death of one of them result in? That’s right; absolutely nothing. And yet, this one fish bleeding in the water causes all the others to come and cannibalize it. Seems odd, but why not? The problem is, once all the fish start feeding….that’s it. The conflict is declared over. The problem is apparently solved and it took us a few minutes to figure out what the fuck had just happened. Somehow this movie is suggesting that just because the fish decided to eat one of their own, that somehow stopped every single one of them, even though this is the same hoard of fish that had stopped to feed on one of its own earlier in the movie. This isn’t even trying to make any goddamn sense and is quite possibly one of the laziest fucking endings in cinematic history. It honestly could have cut from the underwater fight directly to a shot of Abraham Lincoln giving a pepperoni pizza a high five then back to Fitch laughing and playing Marco Polo with the piranhas and it wouldn’t be any less intelligible.

Winner: Mega Piranha. This one’s not even close. The ending of Mega Piranha is one of the most spectacular failures The Asylum has produced to date, and as we all know by now, that’s saying something. Something that smells like taint.

The Verdict:

Donkey: The results speak for themselves. Even by its own rights, Mega Piranha is probably the greatest modern Asylum movie that we’ve seen in quite some time, hearkening back to the glory days of Universal Soldiers and Alien Vs Hunter. I give it four and a half bicycle kicks out of five horribly devoured civilians. But given its competition, it looks even better as Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus, on the other hand is an exceptionally average entry into our catalog that once again proves that hype rarely lives up to its own billing. The single outstanding moment of the shark taking down the airplane is worth the awkward romance and remarkable lack of further redeemable scenes, but not by much. Trust me when I say that the glory is all in the name. There’s little else past that. I give this turd a very charitable three washed up starlets out of five hilarious airline accidents. Stick with the pseudo-sequel if you want some real laughs.

What We Learned:

Donkey: Ending a movie properly is overrated. Hell, it downright unnecessary. And that’s the kind of indisputable fact that can be translated to everything else in life, like writing. That’s why I have weighed the options and decided…

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Our greatest single review to date as we tackle more movies at once than man was meant to ponder in….THE COMIC BOOK CARTOON MOVIE PARADE OF PAIN.

Back To The Main Page.

This is one of the few movie where that banner truly fits. It was uncut because no one bothered to edit it. It was uncensored because no one would have the balls to submit this to a regulatory body. It's unbelievable...well, you'll soon come to understand that part.

Donkey: It goes without saying that talent is a rare thing, but I don’t think most people realize how rare true talent actually is. Most people can only find one thing in life that they’re fairly good at, with the exception of those very few lucky fuckers who are good at everything they do, but they pretty much make us all sick. Since you’re reading this, you’d probably assume that I consider my talent to be writing. Not so. I actually don’t fancy myself to be terribly good at this, but simply feel the need to share the horrors that we’ve seen. No, my true calling lies in clam shucking. Seriously, if you need a bucket of clams shucked the fuck up, you give me a call. But that leads us to another important aspect of talent. While it’s granted that everyone has that one thing that they excel at, the problem is that for most people it’s something that will never earn them a paycheck, let alone a disgustingly inflated paycheck. So when someone’s lucky enough to win the lottery of life and get paid a fact stack of cash to do what they’re good at, it’s naturally quite frustrating for the rest of us when they have the audacity to try to branch out and kick ass in a second field. This could be why there are so few musicians who try their hand at acting and receive any shred of respect. While there a few that manage to pull it off, most are met with the ridicule rightfully deserved when they prove that they barely had one talent in the first place. That brings us to this week’s feature film.

When we were looking through the list of Asylum movies on their website and found a film starring the Insane Clown Posse, it became an immediate must-have for us. After all, ICP is already a shitty band, so the thought of those idiots trying to act promised immeasurable hilarity. Once again, the Asylum didn’t disappoint.

The Plot:

Donkey: If you’ve read any of our previous reviews of Asylum movies, then you know that being a blatant rip-off of an existing Hollywood blockbuster does not necessarily mean that their movie is actually bound in any way to be even remotely fucking related to the source material. If you need an example, feel free to look back at our review of Universal Soldiers, a heartwarming Asylum knock off of Universal Soldier that takes the majesty of JCVD and Dolph Lundgren battling both acid flashbacks on one another to settle a dispute that began in Vietnam and replaces it with a dozen unremarkable douchebags running around in the woods in the hopes of accomplishing little more than shouting one another into oblivion before a giant Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 rises up to destroy them all.

But that being said, every once in a while the Asylum manages to surprise you and actually land extremely close to the mark. Such is the case with Death Racers, which is a cinematic orgasm based on – hold on to your hats – Death Race. Now, I know what you’re saying to yourself right now and I agree: I too was hoping that while named after Death Race, the movie would actually be a rip off of Funny Farm, but alas such is not the case. In both movies, the story is set in the year 20-who-gives-a-shit, telling the tale of convicted felons competing in a hybrid street race/demolition derby for the chance to win their freedom. The differences in this case being that the racers are actually being used to assassinate a criminal leader harboring a shitty plan that might accomplish something evil that would be even remotely terrifying if we could figure out how it works, and the entirely respectable Jason Statham has been replaced by a duo of shockingly untalented white rappers that I can’t figure out why the hell I recognize.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Exhibit A: Don’t Fear The Reaper…He’s Just A Pudgy, Terrible Actor In A Vest

Donkey: This week’s festival of pain climbs aboard a rocket sled of stunted imagination and barrels us forward into the future, stopping first a distant three years from now. As stock footage of fires and random destruction flashes across the screen, a narrator describes a revolution started by “the disillusioned masses” which causes liberty to vanish. If you’re wondering what exactly the masses are so disillusioned about, take heart that while the film doesn’t say, we can just go ahead and assume that it’s a nationwide panic triggered when Nerds candy is taken off the market. Flash forward next to the year 2033, where the President of the United States declares Marshall Law, opening a massive penal colony called the Red Zone which becomes the home of over a million insane and horrifically violent felons. And now that we’ve set up an unmotivated uprising that resulted in an inexplicably over populated sleep-away camp for axe murderers, we’re ready to jump in with both feet.

Nuclear explosion be damned, I've got to finish synthesizing a new strain of Cream Soda.

Once that useless narration comes to an end, the prologue continues with an introduction to the source of conflict which is to become the basis of the movie. And since it’s the basis of an Asylum film, it’s quite appropriate that it makes little to no sense. It begins with the Red Zone’s resident scientist playing with a beaker in front of an image of a nuke going off, likely symbolizing his research into a homemade cure for the extreme burning sensation that he experiences when he pees. But before he can administer his Kool-Aid based cure, he’s interrupted by the overlord of the Red Zone, a man in a shitty vest and toque combo named the Reaper. As the Reaper begins to give the doctor shit for his lack of progress on preparing the top secret sarin gas for his upcoming planned attack, neither of them notice that they are being filmed by a young dude who has snuck into the lab. Of course, it’s understandable that they don’t see him, considering that he’s hiding a whopping two feet away from them. As the Reaper gives the doctor a deadline of two weeks to complete his work, he steps on a mouse to show how serious he is. Fuck, there goes to most likable character in the movie. Rest in peace, Mr Cheesypants McSqueakington. Of course, it would be a lot more upsetting if it didn’t cut from the shot of a mouse pinned under the Reaper’s boot directly to a shot of him stepping down into what is clearly a puddle of strawberry jam. Flinching in the face of this act of condiment-based brutality, the kid knocks into shit causing the Reaper to turn his head ever so slightly and finally notice him. As the kid bolts out the door, the Reaper tells a third man in the room to “find and kill the kid with the camera”. The random dude goes to carry out the order and at this point we discover that despite looking completely unremarkable in any way, this random dude is apparently some kind of android as indescribably shitty robot sounds are dubbed over his every move. With the chase now on, the kid runs out in the hallway outside the lab, gives the camera to some random dude in a hazmat suit standing there, and ducks under a nearby table. The android appears seconds later, walks up to the random bastard holding the camera, and without so much as a word, punches his fist straight through this his exceptionally confused chest. Besides the obvious criticism of how fucking terrible the shot of the first punching through the chest looks, I’m quite startled that you’d bother to build an android if it was so stupid that it actually fell for that. As the doctor and the Reaper come out to see what happened, the robot hands them the camera. The doctor takes a quick look and notices that it has Wi-Fi, concluding that the stream of images must have already been transmitted, so everyone will know their plan by now. The Reaper says that’s okay, that just means that the doctor now has four days to complete his work, or as the unnecessarily slowed-down repetition shot that follows it directly says, “fffffooooouuuurrrr ddaaaayyyysss”.

Robotic chiropractors: a bad idea.

Now that our introduction into this world is complete, it’s time to roll the opening credits while two stars of the movie, both members of the band Insane Clown Posse, drop their latest failed attempt at a hit single. And I’d like to take a moment to note how much I admire these assholes. It takes an immeasurable amount of maturity and poetic brilliance to drop a track with a title like Fuck The World (Fuck Them All). I can only hope that the closing credits of the movie play their equally brilliant follow-up, My Mom Made Me Clean My Room (I Hate That Bitch).

Rock on, random maps!

The meat of the film begins in an office where our favorite Burgess Meredith impersonator, also known as the coach in Street Racer who introduced us to the genius of go-kart practicing for street racing, is playing Reagan Black, the Governor of California. He’s surrounded by three other people, one of whom may or may not be the President of the United States. They hint at it but don’t say for sure, and really, it makes little difference. After looking at a series of blueprints and diagrams of the Red Zone which look more like schematics for Snoopy Snowcone Machine, they have a fucking ridiculous conversation so poorly delivered that it makes the already terrible script impossible to keep up with. As far as I can tell, they’re either talking about their favorite Rush album or else something about the criminals having access to the water supply and sarin gas, but I can’t tell which is the case. All I know is that my favorite part of the whole improved mess is the Governor saying, “Godddamn Red Zone – dumping a shitload of cock tit criminals in the middle of a walled-off city in the middle of my state – when was that ever in a million rimjob years thought to be a good idea, huh?” Exactly, sir. Thank you for commenting on how fucking stupid the entire premise for the movie is right off the bat. Not many movies have the courage to come right out and declare how retarded they are. But anyways, at the end of this verbal diarrhea the Governor proposes that the only way that they can infiltrate the Red Zone and stop the Reaper is by holding something called a Savage Run, even though one of his cronies points out that they’re illegal. But the Governor says that it won’t be a Savage Run. No, instead they’ll change the name to a Death Race, the objective of which will be to kill the Reaper. I have news for you, Poncho: that’s not fooling anyone. They may have changed the name of the show from A Night Of Synchronized Ball Cradling to Dancing With The Stars, but I’m still quite aware that it’s an extravaganza of fruity dancing.

Exhibit B: Stereotypes Are Hilarious

Apparently a Death Race is easier to set up than a drooling match at an old folks’ home, as not seconds after the Governor is rubbing himself off over his own genius, we jump immediately into the prime-time network premier of the Death Race, or as the announcer screams repeatedly, “DEATH RACE!!!”, where it recaps the entire history of the Red Zone for no reason before introducing us to the teams that will serve as contestants:

WE LOVE TACOS!

SHG (or the Severed Head Gang): The first team is a not-quite-Hispanic duo who belongs to the nation’s biggest gang, introduced while doing about five minutes of their best ethnic gangster posing and random shouting. This team features another actor from Street Racer, who played Mickey Styles, the evil nemesis who had inexplicable fetish for calling the main character, Johnny, by name with inappropriate frequency. And much like Champagne Rifle Man, he’s therefore earned a special spot in our hearts, forever known to us as Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny. But to save space and my fingers from all that typing, we’ll just call him the J-Quad. After introducing the team, the movie then introduces us to the sweet ride that they’ll be piloting through the race; a Lincoln Towncar with a goddamn fake severed head on the hood.

Don't ask don't tell my ass. There's gay, and then there's ARMY GAY.

Homeland Security: This team consists of two ex-army dudes in camouflage fatigues driving a Jeep with a shitty homemade rocket launcher mounted on it, as well as two massive M-19 guns on either side of the hood. With absolutely nothing else remarkable about them, these two are so generic that they might as well have been painted green and named “Army Men”. Seriously, I have house plants with more personality than these assholes. They’re exactly like those assholes you see staring at themselves in a mirror at the gym while blasting their triceps. Later on in the movie it will later be revealed that there are narcs in the group of contestants and holy shit, I wonder who that would be?

That's what real lesbians look like, right? Right?

Vaginamyte: The token female team that serves only to give any preteens viewers an uncomfortable stiffness in the pants, it consists of two girls named Queen B and Double D-struction. They are two pseudo-lesbian cannibals who lure men into their web, fuck them, and then devour them. Wow. What fucking ten year old wrote this bullshit? And to make it even more insulting, they’re driving a fucking Lotus. That makes sense, because if I were about to pilot my way through a battle with hordes of criminally insane convicts, I’d choose a goddamn expensive and fragile sports car. But don’t worry because they too have a shitty fake rocket launcher that looks like it was made out of polyethylene piping and duct tape on its roof. The male news anchor describes the cars as being able to go from “zero to suck my dick in 4.1 seconds”. Holy shit. How do you top that kind of maturity? Easily, actually, with our last team…

The skinny one is planning exactly how he's going to beat his girlfriend when he gets home, while the fat one begs for a treat. Who hired these assholes?

Insane Clown Posse: These two shitty rappers in real life play themselves, of course, despite the fact that it makes no goddamn sense. If this is supposed to be 2033 and they’re a garbage band from the late 90′s, that would make them over fifty years old at this point. And while Chubs McGee and the Emaciated Pole Smoker (I couldn’t be bothered to learn their actual names) look like they’ve been beaten with the ugly stick for about half a century, clearly neither of them are that old. Regardless, the movie explains that they still have a strong fan base despite their music being illegal for 13 years. First of all ICP has NEVER had a strong fan base. And secondly, I don’t care how terrible the dystopian future you have dreamed up is supposed to be…if ICP becomes illegal, count me in. But anyways, the movie continues by saying that these two assclowns were “scapegoated” for a series of massacres inspired by their “hardcore” music before comparing them to Hitler. Actually, that’s pretty believable. I can tell you right now that if I were forced to listen to an entire ICP album, somebody would have to pay. Their introduction comes to an end as we see that for this competition, ICP will be driving an ice cream truck with a fucking meat grinder on the front. Yes, a meat grinder. I guess a food processor would be just a little too stupid.

After the Reaper watches the premier of this nationally telecast bounty on his head, he declares that he needs the Doctor to finish his work today. Then the movie switches straight back to our group of contestants where after amazing us by not even being able to make squabbling with each other sound natural, they gather around a TV rolled out on a cart that displays a live feed to the Governor himself. He recaps their mission, laying out the arbitrary and completely irrelevant point system that comprises their game: 10 points for each random thug, 200 points for killing the Reaper, and 400 points for bringing him in alive. I’m not really sure what the point of bringing him in alive would be though, since he’s already in a fucking penal colony. What are you going to do? Throw him back in jail? The Governor also explains that freedom for each team requires a score of 1,000 points. When J-Quad’s partner asks what happens if they decide to just drive away, the Governor uses a remote control to set off a bomb strapped to his neck, exploding his head. I’d tell you this special effect is so terrible that it looks like an explosion of Alphaghetti, but I think that goes without saying by now. After this unnecessarily brutal show of force, the Governor warns that they have until sunset to bring back the Reaper.

Please God, someone make ICP stop rapping....NOOO!!!

Now that their objective is clear, not to mention idiotic, the teams jump in their vehicles and prepare to officially begin the race. But before they do, they hit us with some more random fucking exposition that just continues to pile on the stereotypical laziness. The two chicks are suddenly brandishing a vibrator for no reason while the J-Quad flirts very badly with them, throwing out every goddamn Latino slang term that he can think of. The other two teams say something as well, but you can’t hear them above the sound of their engines revving, which is probably for the best since it would have undoubtedly added nothing to the scene anyways, but is still laughable nonetheless. Good God, I love you, Asylum. And while this is going on, we turn back to the Red Zone just long enough for the Reaper to kill a random lab tech while complaining that the sarin gas levels in the water are too low before he’s informed that the race is about to begin. The best part of this shining moment of brilliance would have to be seeing the Reaper clearly spouting out dialogue for which there is no audio whatsoever, hereby proving my theory that this movie was edited using an old VCR spliced together with a Speak-And-Spell. But before leaving our pudgy villain again, he orders an army of disposable punks to meet the contestants, obviously hoping to clog his attackers’ engines with their internal organs.

Exhibit C: Ladies And Gentlemen, Start Your Severe Rectal Bleeding

DEATH RACE!!! With the official start of the race at hand, once again the newscast begins with that goddamn scream that we’ll hear all too often before they review the vehicles and plot of the race, because we really need to hear all that again. Finally after a rather underwhelming countdown, the party is finally underway and the vehicles tear off. Well, the films speed is increased to make it look like they’re tearing off, but then inexplicably slows back down to normal speed, clearly showing that they might as well be driving through a school zone. As they meet up with the horde of people waiting to engage in battle, and keep in mind that when I say a “horde” in an Asylum film, I mean the dozen or so family members of the cast that are filmed from different angles to make them look more numerous. As the teams begin to unload their cannons while swerving around slowly, they begin to run over those that they don’t shoot. And by run over, I mean they drive up to someone then cut to an extreme close up shot of the car running over a fake body parts. But to really distinguish our teams from one another, they each apply their own brand of stupidity to the scene. J-Quad shoots a single rocket at a dude kneeling in the road about ten feet in front of him, destroying him in an explosion so small that it there’s no way a rocket could possibly produce it. A punctured aerosol can, maybe, but not a rocket. Not to be outdone, the girls back up into a dude at the same speed that most of us would back out of a parking spot, hitting him to the ground where his head splits in half cleanly down the middle, which just makes no goddamn sense at all. And of course, ICP feeds a dude who falls to the ground into their meat grinder which results in only about four tablespoons of red corn syrup to fly out of a exhaust spout. And finally, the soldier boys get out and fight people by hand, which seems to defeat the purpose of vehicle-based combat entirely.

Well no wonder this guy's head split in half. He doesn't have an opening for his mouth or eyes.

With the insanity under way, we check back into the Red Zone where the doctor works feverishly, inserting liquid into a glass container using a turkey baster, which is pretty much exactly what he’s done the entire movie up to this point, because that’s pretty much all science is. As the Reaper saunters in again, they have the same argument old argument where he tells the doctor to go to full capacity and the doctor explains why that would be stupid. Goddamn. And speaking of things that just don’t get old…

That's right, Chuck, it looks like SHG's only chance to win at this point is to find the warp whistle that would take them straight to World 8-1!

DEATH RACE!!! The news broadcast kicks in again, giving us the point total for each team so far, like that means a goddamn thing to us or has any bearing whatsoever on the outcome of the movie (foreshadowing: it doesn’t). With yet another few minutes of film completely wasted for no other purpose than to pass the time, we journey back out to the Red Zone where all four teams stop together inexplicably, one can only guess to have a circle jerk. After more pointless and incredibly unnatural banter, they realize that it might be exceptionally stupid to just stand around doing nothing. One by one they jump back into their shitty cruisers and leave until only ICP remains, leaving them to take axes to a small gang that comes running out to do little more than pad ICP’s irrelevant score. But once they’re finished, a massive explosion goes off causing a mushroom cloud a short distance away. As ICP runs over to investigate, it turns out to be the Homeland Security team being killed, as their jeep has gone up in a massive fireball. So just to recap, hitting a dude with a rocket launcher creates an explosion about four feet in diameter, whereas blowing up a jeep results in a fucking mushroom cloud. So along with quality, logic, acting, editing, etc, the movie also manages to shit on the concept of proportion. As ICP stands and watches the jeep burn, the young kid from the beginning of the movie sneaks up to film them, once again from two feet away and this time out in the open. Naturally the two painted tragedies notice him eventually, so he explains that his name is FX and he’s been filming the Red Zone all his life. I’m not really sure why, but they take a shining to him and decide to bring him along.

It takes them a while to notice him since this is exactly what kind of media coverage they're used to.

Hold on, I need to update my Facebook status...

DEATH RACE!!! The news announces the death of Homeland Security before updating the scores again, which I guess means that there’s a whole lot more killing that they couldn’t be bothered to show us. While watching this news, the Governor is informed by his female underling that the Reaper has found a way into the water supply. She then gives a ton of details that make no fucking sense even if you really concentrated on listening, which no one in their right mind would. And after checking in with one group of idiots smashing together plans like a remedial class playing with Silly Putty, we turn to their mirrors in the Red Zone, where once again the Reaper argues with the doctor about his progress. Fuck, someone stop this. His goth hooker companion then enters the room and announces that their ambush is ready. Nevertheless, the Reaper is still getting impatient, so he takes over the doctor’s laptop and starts adjusting his iTunes playlist, which is supposed to be him increasing the gas or the pressure or some bullshit. To show how he’s pushing the system to dangerous limits, the film shows two shots of two different pipes rattling slightly. Now that’s intense!

DEATH RACE!!! Once again we turn back to the news anchors who update the fucking totals, despite having not seen anyone get killed since the last update. Goddamn. Meanwhile J-Quad, the girls, and ICP all meet again out in the field, since I guess none of them realize that this is a competition. At this point I think we can definitely conclude that calling this a race is about as accurate as calling it a corporate team-building retreat. Anyways, ICP lets the other two teams know that FX has warned them that they’re about to walk into a trap set by the Reaper. But fear not, as ICP says they’ve got a plan. Don’t hold your breath, though, as I’m pretty sure it involves telling the world how hardcore you are while playing Halo 3 in your mom’s basement.

Ouch...my dignity...

Ready to counter the certain doom that is waiting for them, the teams pull up to a warehouse which is apparently the site of the trap. I’m not really sure how the Reaper figured that they would pass through this particular warehouse, but that’s the least of the questions plaguing me at this point. The first group into action is J-Quad and the black haired member of Vaginamyte, Double D-struction. Why they’re teamed up, I have no idea. They pull up next to the warehouse, get out of their car, walk ten feet, and look around a corner to see three dudes standing with their backs turned, waiting to attack through a nearby door. What’s absolutely remarkable is the fact that they’re only standing about four feet away. How the fuck did those dudes not hear a car pull up with two noisy idiots talking as they get out of it? The pair goes back to J-Quad’s car and pulls random weapons from his trunk. Moments later, J-Quad then rushes around the corner and impales the three men on his…spear? Really? Who the fuck even has a spear, let alone in their trunk? Meanwhile, the other member of Vaginamyte, Queen B, and ICP sneak inside a different entrance of the warehouse. After ICP decapitates two dudes who, again, don’t notice someone walking up behind them, Queen B then distracts two other dudes by showing them her titties while ICP kills them from behind. And while this isn’t quite on par with another one of our Asylum favorites, Sad Titties from Snakes On A Train, the idea of this woman baring her tits for this movie just makes me want to cry. But with that, the trap is officially sprung, leaving the teams to congratulate one another for defeating an ambush that would have been perpetrated by a group of thugs that outnumbered them by an overwhelming TWO guys.

Thank God young Timmy was there, setting off his toy rocket or this could have been an epic bloodbath.

But while this is going on, our wee pal FX is waiting in ICP’s ice cream truck where he suddenly gets his ass killed by the goddamn android, which appears out of nowhere. But that’s not the end of the horror. After the three remaining teams once again begin some remarkably stilted bickering inside the warehouse, the android busts into the room and begins slapping them all around with the greatest of ease. But once watching these idiots getting tossed around quite poorly starts to get old, two masked dudes run into the scene and hit it with a fucking rocket launcher. But before you wonder if the explosion from this rocket launcher is either unfathomably small or the size of a nuclear blast, let me put your mind at ease by specifying that in this case, the rocket doesn’t explode at all. It just hits the android and knocks it over through the magic of obviously sped up film. But hey, at least that stupidity distracts you for a brief moment from the rather goddamn obvious mystery of who the masked duo happens to be. Once it recovers from this barely inconvenient attack, the android gets up and runs off for no imaginable reason. Apparently not only did someone program this thing to be fooled by handing an object to a complete stranger, but also to abandon its prey, no matter how easily it can be defeated, the moment that it’s knocked over. Not questioning their luck, the three teams wander back outside to find the tires of their respective vehicles slashed, as well as other invisible damage that they don’t have the budget to show. Undaunted and still in no rush, they take their cars into the warehouse and fix them, wasting both screen time and my time.

Pssttt...I just pooped a little.

DEATH RACE!!! Again we return to the television broadcast for no other reason than to get an update on the current scores. Fuck. I swear the two people playing the news anchors must have blown someone to get screen time, no matter how unnecessary it is. And with that mandatory waste of time complete, we turn to another, as we gaze in on the Reaper, who verbally molests his random goth hooker companion with dialogue we can’t fucking hear. As the sexual stumbling comes to an end, I’m pretty sure that while the Reaper has cum in his pants, I’ll never get an erection again. We finally get to the goddamn point of the scene seconds later when she recovers from his assault to let him know that the trap didn’t work. Wow. That was completely worth it.

Exhibit D: I’m Fully Trained In The Martial Arts…Of Love

And they laughed at J-Quad when we said that he planned to go straight to a gardening job right after the race.

At this point it becomes clear that the already incredibly shallow pool of ideas for this movie has gone completely dry, as things start to get really fucking bizarre. We catch up with J-Quad, cruising along on his own when he comes across a beat up shed with a single table out front and a spray painted sign that says “Bar”. Being a fan of prison wine, he naturally decides that it would be a great idea to stop and ask the one dude sitting there for whatever he’s got. But as fucking retarded as that sounds, it gets even better. He then turns his back for absolutely no reason while the dude gets up and pisses in a cup. He then turns around and takes the cup from the man, taking a big swig while the dude laughs at how fucking stupid he is. Angered by the hot, salty mouthful of karma that is so badly deserved, J-Quad starts laying a beatdown on the bartender before eventually pissing right on the dude’s face. And as he’s zipping up and walking away from they beaten and piss covered body, three more guys come around the corner and run at him. I thought that swigging piss couldn’t be topped, but just then J-Quad goes and gets a fucking scythe out of the trunk of his car and kills the three dudes with it. Yep, a scythe. So to recap, this dude decided that going into a vehicle based melee, it would be wise to carry a spear and a scythe with him. But while the J-Quad stands there over the fallen masses, quite satisfied with his idiocy, the bartender trundles up and hits him in the back of the head with a pipe wrench, knocking him out cold. He wakes up some time later, hanging by chains as the bar man prepares to kill him. But before he has the chance to meet his grisly and well deserved end, the mystery duo in black appears again, shooting the bartender in the back, freeing J-Quad, and running like hell. Why save someone as useless as J-Quad? I have no goddamn idea.

While he's picturing that time he made out with his cousin, she's throwing up in her mouth a little.

Not to be outdone in sheer stupidity, we leave our bandito pal and turn to ICP as they drive along only to run across something bizarre themselves. But instead of a shitty piss bar, they find two random chicks in mini-skirts and high heels. After the painted turds pull over and toss around promises that can only result in extreme sexual disappointment, these two chicks decide to climb aboard and guide them away. We catch up with them moments later as they all sit around in a random goddamn tent. The Emaciated Pole Smoker rubs an axe over one chick’s nipples while Chubs McGee brags about being a big boy all over, which she’ll find out “when she gets plowed in a minute”. For the record, listening to this fat bastard brag about his penis is every bit as sickening as you can imagine. This dude looks like he smells like pee. Just then another woman strides in, claiming to be the leader of the Whores of Babylon, an organization of loose chicks. She says something about their reputation as poets preceding their arrival in the Red Zone, pretending to seduce them before pulling out pruning sheers and threatening to take their balls. While I’m all for it, I’m not really sure what the point of this is. But that promise goes unanswered as ICP manages to turn the tables and kill the women instead, hacking at their bodies with a hatchet and a rather disturbing amount of sheer glee plastered across their faces. Seriously, these dudes have fucking issues.

As we check in with our last team, things go from bizarre to downright insanely hilarious. When Vaginamyte stops their car to have a casual and pointless argument amongst themselves, they get attacked by the android for a quick moment before it steals Queen B and takes off. In desperation, Double D-struction eventually turns to the one exceptionally useless man that she can find, demanding that J-Quad help in finding her missing partner. To secure his agreement, they inexplicably start making out against the side of a building. And while her partner wastes time sucking on a greasy taco, Queen B wakes up in a strange room lying face down and tied to a metal table. Moments later she is thrust into a hell previously thought unimaginable as the android, I’m shitting you negative, straps on a massive metal robo-cock and starts to rape her. Okay, that’s fucking insane. But fortunately for her, Double D-struction and J-Quad hear her screams of terror right away, as apparently they were making out directly against the outside of the very building that she’s being raped in. After the two of them burst into the room and free Queen B from her restraints, the three of them join together to beat the android to death. Considering he was slapping all five contestants around like it wasn’t even a chore a few minutes ago, it’s surprising that it was so easy to defeat him this time. But again, that’s the least of this scene’s problems.

If you've ever wondered if a scene in a film could give your toaster a boner, behold...

Having sat through that cavalcade of insanity, the movie eases off the accelerator for a moment and returns to some pointless monotony. After taking a moment to show us the doctor ordering an assistant to inform the Reaper that his gas-based attack is finally ready, we then turn back to the Governor and his three jackass companions as they stand around listening to a ham radio, once again talking about something so cryptically that it’s not worth the technical institute diploma required to stave off the brain aneurysm and pay attention.

Look, all I said was that Melissa Ethridge is overrated.

And speaking of pointless, the movie then returns to the contestants just in time to see J-Quad and the two women leaving scene of the funniest rape scene in the history of cinema. Queen B and J-Quad begin to fight over the attention of Double D-struction, and that fight quickly turns physical. After kicking the J-Quad straight in the balls, Queen B backs up into him with her car repeatedly. And if that wasn’t stupid enough, she then grabs the hood ornament off J-Quad’s car, ripping the fake head off of it and using the blade to stab him almost to death. But just as Double D-struction finally steps in to try to calm Queen B down, J-Quad pulls out a gun and shoots her in the back. They both die, leaving Double D-struction to wander if a pet dog would be a better companion and lover at this point than either men or women.

With only one full team actually remaining in the competition, ICP manages to finally arrive at the Reaper’s complex just as the sarin gas is about to be released. But before we can finally get to the conclusion of the film, it’s time once again for…

Sorry about that hatchet to the shoulder...Wait! Is that a spider?!

DEATH RACE!!! We return to our news coverage of the race, which reviews the death of J-Quad and Queen B and then, guess what, updates the goddamn scores. With that mandatory punch in the face delivered, we return to the Red Zone as ICP and Double D as they stumble upon one another in the Reaper’s complex. As the Insane Clown Pansies stalk through a hallway with their hatchets cocked and ready, Double D-struction turns a corner just in front of them only to get a hatchet to the collar bone. Chubs McGee asks the Emaciated Pole Smoker why the hell he did that, to which the EPS shrugs and replies that he didn’t mean to, that she walked into it. Chubs McGee shakes his head, declaring that he’ll go to hell for that one. Yeah, that bunch of chicks that you just butchered was cool, but killing this chick will get you a penthouse suite in Hades. But since the subject of Satan has come up, that gives the boys a rather irrelevant reason to start belting out one of their shitty songs about rubbing off the devil or something while they walk away.

As the movie takes a break, it returns to the Governor and his three idiots who have another incomprehensible conversation while examining satellite imagery of fucking NOTHING, all the while chuckling about their inside guys. Seriously, who could that be?! Before the answer comes, it’s time once again for…

DEATH RACE!!! We return to the news broadcast just for the anchor to sum up the situation as, “Two clowns against one insane man. Who will win?” And that’s it. That’s the entire scene.

Exhibit E: No Matter Who Crosses The Finish Line, We All Lose

We return to the Red Zone where the Reaper and the doctor begin to release the gas just as ICP comes rushing in. They kill the doctor with a ridiculously unlikely hatchet throw, but just to be sure that they got the job done, the Emaciated Pole Smoker takes a couple of minutes to hack at the doctor’s body while the Reaper stands a couple of feet away and does absolutely nothing. But just as we wonder if everyone will simply die of boredom, the mystery duo dressed in black appears again and finally reveals their true identity. Why it was Homeland Security, the only team of ex-government agents in the pack who just happened to arbitrarily go missing after a completely unmotivated mushroom cloud explosion! Who could have possibly predicted that?! They blow a hole in the roof causing it to collapse on the room’s occupants before rappelling down to admire their handiwork. After looking through the rubble for about 12 seconds, they leave the complex altogether just before ICP comes crawling out of the debris. Chubs McGee has an injured leg, so severely that it couldn’t possibly be fatal unless he rolled around in a vast of the flesh eating virus, so he sends the EPS to get revenge without him. I would suspect that it’s actually not the injury that’s keeping him behind, but rather the fact that he’s noticed a nearby box of Twinkies. But either way, as long as the scene ends, I’m happy. But say, do you know what we haven’t heard in a while?

Dear God, man, don't pull that out or you might spout a fountain of KFC gravy.

DEATH RACE!!! With the race officially declared over, the news anchors announce the sudden return of Homeland Security and declare them the winners. Moments later, they cut to live footage of the race’s finish line where the Governor giving a speech about their “coalition rebuilding the nation”, whatever the fuck that means, as the winning team arrives in the ICP ice cream truck. But while the jubilation goes on, we return to the Red Zone where Chubs McGee is still inching his way towards that box of Twinkies when the Reaper emerges to talk about the destruction that was to be. The tubby Ronald McDonald likes his plan until he realizes that his home city of Detroit would also be affected by the devastation, so the two men start grappling with less skill than two homeless men fighting over discarded pizza crusts. And while this is going on, the Emaciated Pole Smoker pops up back at the finish line and unloads an MK47 at the Governor, killing some of his men and proving…well, pretty much nothing. But as the Governor ducks behind his podium, he uses the implant in the ICP to blow up both Chubs McGee and the EPS’s explosive neck implants. But just before dying, they both yell, “Fuck the world”. I’m not really sure if it matters at this point, but the bomb in Chubs McGee’s neck not only detonates his significantly empty head, but it also sets off a massive explosion in the Red Zone. It serves no real purpose, other than to be one last ‘fuck you’ to all the resident convicts, but then useless pretty much describes the entire movie anyways.

At that point, the movie finally comes to an end. But wait…how about a remarkably shitty epilogue to blow one last fart directly in our faces. We see Double D-struction climbing a small hill, looking to be on death’s doorstep from the massive blood loss that she no doubt suffered from getting a fucking hatchet to the collar bone. But once she finally makes it to the top of the hill, she turns her back to us and walks about ten paces before spinning back around to strike a ridiculous pose for the camera. Good God. I think we were all just raped with that robo-cock.

The Verdict:

Donkey: Death Racers has everything you could possibly ask for, provided you were asking for someone to throw up on your face after impregnating your cat. Having famous musicians acting in your film is almost always a risky venture, but when it happens to be musicians that I need to punch myself in the balls repeatedly while chanting “Y2K” to even remotely remember, your pretty much just setting yourself up to fail. And if you’re going to feature their shitty excuse for hip hop music, why not apply that to the direction of the rest of the film. After all, who doesn’t like random shots arbitrarily sped up then slowed down, as well as repeated four or five times to prove no point at all? But then, I guess that does mask the fact that the script was actually written on a cocktail napkin and could be filmed in about 17 minutes. But my favorite part of the movie, by far, is their instance on screaming “DEATH RACE!!!” every three minutes, especially since it’s the clearest line of dialogue being yelled at Spinal Tap volume levels interspersed throughout standard Asylum movie mumbling. And in no way “DEATH RACE!!!” is it grating “DEATH RACE!!!” when this blaring distraction “DEATH RACE!!!” interrupts the movie over “DEATH RACE!!!” and over again. It’s my “DEATH RACE!!!” extreme pleasure to “DEATH RACE!!!” give this film five closeted man-boy clowns “DEATH RACE!!!” out of five “DEATH RACE!!!”

What We Learned:

Donkey: When you’re a not-quite-one hit wonder, it’s not just your cultural relevance but also time itself that stops for you until someone remembers who the hell you are decades later. Either that, or ICP are time-traveling harbingers of doom and unspoken man love.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: a much needed week off before returning with one of the most infamous shitty movies of all time…TROLL II.

Back To The Main Page.

I would honestly have an easier time believing that Encino Man was based on true events than this sack of shit.

Donkey: There’s no denying that everyone needs a hobby. Without them, we’d be forced to pass the time by attempting to engage those around us in meaningful conversation only to realize how much we can’t stand the stupid words blathering their way out of their stupid faces. Society as we know it would crumble in an orgy of violence that would make the crusades look like a sexy schoolgirl slumber party. The world would burn like hemorrhoids after the first three stages of the Tour De France. So for the sake of innocent and adorable baby hippos everywhere, we need to occupy ourselves with pointless pursuits of obvious irrelevance. The funny thing is that not only do we seethe with passion for our own hobbies (just try and take away my knitting needles and see what happens, punk), we usually can’t understand any others. And I’m no exception.

I’ve personally never understood the fascination with cars. I’ve met so many men who would just as soon fuck a piston shaft as their own spouse and try as I might, I just can’t bring myself to care. For me, a car is a way to get from Point A to Point B, with the occasional detour to Point C to pick up a pack of Garbage Pail Kids collector cards and the odd box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But while I don’t understand the fascination, I at least respect it as an interest as valid as any other. That being said, illegal street racing is a different matter altogether. If I could be serious for just a moment, I’d like to address anyone who participates in or glorifies this bullshit and happens to be reading this: you’re a douche. Seriously. You are the King of the Douches. If you want to drive your shitty penis extension around a closed track where there’s a chance that you’ll only kill yourself or the insecure little man-child racing you, that’s cool. Really. Enjoy. But the moment that you’re doing it on public streets, where an innocent person will eventually die for the sake of diverting attention away from your non-descended testicles, you become a genuine liability in this world. So just do us all a favor…slather yourself in honey and try to give a bear a reach-around. But if you won’t be that considerate, at least sit back, relax, and enjoy as we turn to the fate that you truly deserve: a depiction of your true passion as seen through the eyes of an Asylum film. Suck it, bitches.

The Plot:

Donkey: Street Racer is a remarkable Asylum film, as its name is a knock off of the simultaneously released waste of cash known as Speed Racer, while its plot is closer to a knock off of The Fast and The Furious. So seeing as it’s clearly nothing like the movie that its name is supposed to trick you into believing it is, and the movie that it’s actually imitating had been off people’s radars for years by the time it was released, I can only assume that the reason Street Racer was made was because there was too much happiness in the world. Let’s try to describe it in the context it truly deserves:

This is Johnny. See Johnny drive a car very fast. Drive, Johnny, drive! See Johnny drive a car badly. No, Johnny, no! Johnny causes an accident and goes to jail. See Johnny’s mouth filled with balls. Gargle, Johnny, gargle! Johnny gets out of jail and tries to lead a normal life. But Johnny must keep racing, or his crooked parole officer will fraudulently claim that Johnny had broken the terms of his parole and have him shipped back to prison to once again serve as a human bidet. Drive, Johnny, drive! With everything on the line, Johnny must take part in one final illegal street racing event, racing for his future, for the love of a woman, and to inspire a crippled boy.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Part I: Don’t Need Nothing But A Good Time…And Maybe Some Anti-Lock Brakes

Is this supposed to be a street race, or a bastardized recreation of Frogger?

Donkey: Known perhaps as much for their lack of subtlety as their startling lack of quality to anyone whom has seen as many of their films as we have, The Asylum’s Street Racer surprises no one as it begins with not just a street race, but what is probably the worst ever caught on film. It goes without saying that the movie got its budget from the director saving the allowance that his parents had given him for the last three months, and this scene reinforces that right from the start. The race, which was clearly filmed at incredibly pedestrian speeds and then sped up to somewhat pedestrian levels (which you can see by how slowly the background is passing by during close up shots), features the movie’s primary archrivals, the smoldering hero Johnny Wayne and his cock repository of a nemesis, Mickey Styles, as they pilot completely ordinary cars. They have to good sense to be sports cars, but perfectly average ones that are in no way customized. The scene thrills you with a lot of close up shots of the two racers behind the wheel, the sound of lots of engine revving (even though it doesn’t cause them to go any faster), and the two cars trying to pass both each other and a considerable amount of traffic on a two lane highway in the middle of the goddamn day. If this seems retarded to you, the movie is kind enough to confirm that moments later when the race comes to the literal crashing end. After passing it, Mickey cuts off an SUV causing it to turn towards the ditch and end up sitting sideways across the lane. Since Johnny is following closely behind, he has no choice but to run straight into it and once again highlight the movie’s budget with awesomeness. You see a car hit the SUV, but you can see that it’s not the car Johnny was driving a moment ago. After all, if you don’t have the money to use a suped-up car in your film, you’re sure as shit not going to wreck the ordinary one that you did have. And when it does hit, all it does is cause the SUV to rock from side to side, moving less than if two people were fucking in the back seat Texas-style. I’m serious when I say that if I ran at top speed towards that SUV and fell flat on my face about ten feet away from it, the air that I caused to hit that thing would move this SUV more than this accident did. So as Mickey speeds off to leave Johnny to his fate, you can’t help but wonder how bad they’re suggesting this fairly minor fender-bender could possibly be.

This would probably still not have been a horrific crash even if there were people in the fucking car.

Part II: I Fought The Law and The Law Tea-Bagged My Beaten Carcass

Here you go...your time in jail might be done, but the final step in your punishment involves these tickets to a Creed concert.

Apparently it’s being suggested that the crash was atrociously bad as the movie picks up five years later with Johnny finally getting out of prison. Having a very sore jaw that taught him the hard way that keeping his mouth shut was good policy, Johnny’s understandably short on words when he checks in with his parole officer, a man named Briggs. But that’s of little consequence, as Briggs has the whole talking thing covered. He gives Johnny the standard information for every ex-convict, that he’s been set up with a job and must do community service at a nearby physiotherapy clinic. But just as Johnny’s starting to think that he might finally be able to start his life over and get into that pottery course that he was hoping to take at the Community College, Briggs tells him that he’ll have to continue to race in the illegal underground circuit for him, despite Johnny’s protests. He is told that he will race where and when he’s told with almost all of the money going back to Briggs, or Briggs will send him back to jail in a Sailor Moon costume and edible panties. Realizing that his dream of revolutionizing the pottery world will likely go unfulfilled, Johnny doesn’t bother to protest any further. This scene is great for highlighting one thing that you can’t help but notice throughout the movie: apparently they think the name Johnny is either pretty funny or just goddamn fascinating, because everyone says it about forty seven times every five minutes. Seriously, you’d think that they were either being sponsored by Johnny.com and were being paid by the utterance, or that the director had somehow befallen a curse where only having those around him constantly saying the name Johnny would keep the demons from feasting on his ball sack.

After realizing that he’s stuck in the futility that goes hand-in-hand with any Asylum film, Johnny checks into his new job, which appears to be fixing cars at a junkyard. Does it strike anyone else as kind of counterproductive to send a dude who was arrested for a motor vehicle offense to work with cars? That’s like sending a recovering drug addict to work at a pharmacy, or a pedophile to work at a preschool. After meeting his new coworker, Steve, and hearing that his boss, Red, wouldn’t be around for a while, the two of them have an awkward conversation where Steve asks Johnny if he tossed any salads in prison. Play your cards right, Johnny. Unless all those pornos where one girl initiates a naked wrestling match by asking another if she’s ever kissed a woman before have lied to me, I think there might be some junkyard loving in your future. To fuel the obvious sexual tension and perhaps excuse a little experimentation, they decide to take off in Red’s car for a few drinks at a nearby bar, since Red isn’t there. What a great way to start your first day at your new job. If you were trying to stay out of trouble, that’s about as bright as walking into a major US airport with a sign that says, “Allah, I’ll be seeing you real soon”.

So....um....vagina is pretty overrated, huh?

Moments later they pull into the parking lot of the bar where everyone is just standing outside by their not-impressive cars, basking in the thrill of an unremarkable existence. Ignoring the crowd of clearly unemployed gearheads, Johnny and Steve proceed into the bar to find that it’s packed, which is pretty strange when you consider this should be in the middle of the morning. As he enjoys an ice water at the bar, like that will make taking off to a bar in the morning of your first day with your boss’ car any fucking more respectable, Johnny is visited by the Ghost of Shitheads Past when Mickey walks up and says hello. He’s followed by what is supposed to be the rest of their old gang, and seriously, the whole gang, with Mickey being the worst offender, keeps saying “Johnny” over and over again like he’ll eventually grant them all wishes if they do it long enough. After being pushed for a rematch, Johnny tells Mickey that he’s done with racing, that his soul belongs to Broadway now. Naturally the news isn’t greeted favorably, but once Mickey starts making fun of Johnny for taking it in the ass in prison, Steve is overcome with what one can only assume is a jealous rage and tries to defend his territory, only to end up having the chair kicked out from under him. Trying to follow the example of Ghandi, provided that Ghandi had believed in passive resistance almost as much as he did in premium hair products, Johnny tells his old friends to fuck off, collects Steve off the floor, and leaves.

Did you turn gay while you were in jail, Johnny? Did you go down on guys like I'm going to on this bottle?...uhhh...yeah...that's right....right in my mouth...

Try my shake, Johnny! It's delicious!

As they drive back and discuss the particulars of Red’s car, Mickey and the crew pass by Johnny and Steve in their cars. Mickey slows down beside them for a moment as he tries to goad Johnny into racing him again by continuing to question Johnny’s sexuality and then hitting him in the side of the face with a milkshake while he’s driving. With an unexpected creamy load splattering on his cheek likely triggering Vietnam-like flashbacks of the last five years, Johnny swerves and almost puts Red’s car in the ditch.

Things continue to go from bad to worse as Johnny comes home to his apartment that evening to find Briggs waiting for him. After punching Johnny in the gut and comparing him to a whore, Briggs gives him shit for missing his first race that day. What? What fucking race? Was Mickey’s casual prodding of Johnny to get him back in the saddle supposed to have been something official? Or did I black out and start running through an episode of Silver Spoons in my head again to escape watching this? Briggs then says that Johnny must race tomorrow, giving him the time and address. When Johnny points out that he doesn’t have a car, Briggs says that he has faith that Johnny will work something out. I think I understand corruption, but isn’t that going a little far? It’s not like you can make a lot of money off this kid’s illegal racing career if he’s back in prison after being arrested for grand theft auto.

Yeah, that's very nice, but you already have the job, kid. You don't need to show me your balls.

As Johnny returns to work the next day, Red finally makes his first appearance in the film. I love this guy almost as much as I love Jason Gray (whom you may remember is the actor who has been in every other Asylum movie that we have watched up to this point). As Red screams at Steve over the pink mess in his car, the first thing you notice is his voice. He sounds like some future technology managed to send him back in time after splicing him together with DNA from Burgess Meredith, Lloyd Bridges, and a sack of blight-ridden potatoes. But wait a minute…does that mean that Johnny and Steve didn’t bother to clean up the milkshake that they were pelted with yesterday when they stole Red’s car? Good God. Did you take a dump in the glove box while you were at it? Having finished screaming at Steve for a moment, Red walks over and asks Johnny if he likes strawberry milkshakes. Johnny says no, he’s more of a chocolate man. Red says yeah, the joint will do that to you. As Red leaves him there to ponder that nugget of wisdom, Johnny, like me, is confused at what the fuck that was.

He's not so much crippled as just dragging his feet. Has anyone considered that this kid might just be lazy?

We’re introduced to the last piece of the puzzle moments later when Johnny shows up at a clinic to start his many hours of rewarding community service. As he looks around the place, he sees a young boy named Daniel trying to walk again with the help of a therapist and his older sister, Kelly. The kid’s apparently getting quite discouraged, either with his lack of progress or with the sociopolitical quagmire that is the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I’m not really sure which, but I can guess. After checking in with the staff, Johnny find himself alone and engaging in awkward chit-chat with little Daniel, the walkless wonder. His sister, Kelly comes back a moment later to collect him when she catches sight of Johnny HotPants. And thus the first sparks of the movie’s impossibly retarded courtship begins.

Part III: Fate’s Horribly Unintereting Plan

As we come to the next morning, after a nightmare-filled night of soul searching and flat-ironing of his hair, Johnny realizes that he can’t resist Brigg’s demands any longer. He steals Red’s car and goes looking for his first race. And he soon finds it, even though it’s now the middle of the day again, which still doesn’t make any fucking sense. He goes back to the bar that he and Steve were at the day before and finds Mickey and the crew all hanging out in its parking lot for no reason, sitting on the hood of their cars. Does nobody work in this fucking movie? Johnny challenges Mickey to a race, only to have him refuse. In his place, Mickey’s black friend, Derek, steps up in his place and accepts the challenge. After a few minutes of smack talk that makes an online, twelve year old Halo player seem exceptionally clever, the drivers take their position. Derek is driving one of the least aerodynamic vehicles known to man, making it pretty much perfect for a drag race. After a thrilling nineteen second race, Johnny wins, earning himself Derek’s car and a thousand dollars. The money is soon claimed by Briggs, but Johnny demands to keep the car.

BMW Vs. One of the cars least likely to ever be in a drag race. Classic.

In a plot twist as tired and predictable as a pie to the face, Johnny rolls back to the work and tries to return the car, only to have Red catch him red handed. However, rather than high-fiving him and building a Lego recreation of the Battle of Waterloo together, as I would have thought would have fit into this movie, a disappointed Red gives Johnny a speech about how there’s no room in this world for street racing and demands that he leave before the cops are called. I guess someone can do something remotely logical in this film after all. Rather than try to explain his situation, Johnny simply accepts his fate and saunters off. No, Johnny! You tortured soul! You misunderstood rebel! If only someone would give you a chance! When will you ever find that rainbow?

The next day back at the clinic, Johnny runs into Daniel and his sister again. Kelly tells Johnny that she needs to go, so she asks if he’ll watch after Daniel while she’s gone. He’s not a fucking puppy, for Christ’s sake. He’s an adolescent, and one in a wheelchair at that. Where the fuck is he going to go? After Kelly leaves the two of them, Daniel reveals that he’s figured out that Johnny is a racer, and tells him that he’d love to be a racer himself one day. While he’s stalling from having to explain to Danny that the only way that he’ll be racing is if his breaks give out on a handicapped ramp, the therapist shows up and suggests that Johnny assist with the therapy. He agrees, and of course now that he’s involved, Danny begins to make great progress. Kelly comes back moments later to see that Johnny is inspiring her brother, and the fantastically sickening sexual tension continues to fester.

Hey sis, do you really think you should bother talking to him while you've got that yeast infection?

Later that day, Johnny meets Briggs again on the side of a road where he is introduced to his next assignment. This time it’s another member of the old crew, Mickey’s possibly transvestite girlfriend, Sheila. To her credit, though, at least she has the good sense to be driving a Miata. Johnny, racing in the boxy soccer mom cruiser that he won from Derek, engages Sheila in a thrilling seven second match, only to lose. No shit. He’s in a fucking family vehicle and she’s in a Miata. He might as well have taken her on using a baby carriage with a wind sail strapped to it.

The next day, Johnny shows up at Red’s again to find him asleep in his office. Johnny tries to ask for his job back, explaining the situation with Briggs that he probably should have just brought up earlier before being fired in the first place. At first Red says he can’t help, but As Johnny tries to walk away, Red has a classic change of heart. He assures Johnny that he knows how to beat Briggs and declares that he’s going to coach Johnny, as long as Johnny shuts the fuck up. I heartily agree with the rider to that contract. When Johnny protests that he won’t have anything to race in, having lost Derek’s mom’s car back to him, Red shows Johnny his solution. It’s a car in the junkyard that he’s supposed to fix up. I smell a montage!

After this, kid, I turn it up a notch when I break out my Atari 7800 and we play Pole Position II!

Red’s coaching begins later that day, as he explains that Johnny can’t beat Mickey with reaction time because he’ll in turn beat Johnny with horsepower. So the only way to beat him is to race him on a street circuit. His advice? “You gotta get into the corners faster. You gotta get through them faster. You gotta get out earlier.That’s the way to do it.” Wait…that’s fucking advice? Drive faster? Just to top that moment of unbridled lunacy, Red then reveals the method of their training: racing in fucking go-karts. GO-KARTS. Apparently not realizing that he’s actually being coached by an escaped mental patient with chronic bronchitis, Johnny then gets suited up into a racing suit and prepares for glory. Why the fuck would you bother getting into a full racing suit and helmet to get into a fucking go-kart when you’ve been street racing in plain clothes? But seeing as their isn’t enough room on that thing for him and his dignity, Johnny begins his intense regiment, driving around a go-kart track that’s made all the more extreme by the film being sped up and heavy metal music playing in the background. After a completing a couple of laps in, no shit, fifteen seconds, he makes a pit stop and pulls up to Red who once again tells him that he’s got to go through the corners faster. Johnny then races back out to do another couple of fast and furious laps. Keep in mind that the camera is at ground level the entire time, so most of his attempts to break the sound barrier simply appear as him driving directly at the camera, which any deer can tell you is a great way to hide the speed of an approaching vehicle. This has the awesome effect of making an already unimpressive scene is even less so. He pits again about twelve seconds later where Red tells him to steer smoother. Fucking awesome. I can’t get enough of this technical, highly specialized insight into the world of racing. He then goes out again to continue an activity aimed at entertaining nine-year-olds as the scene finally ends.

Later at the clinic, he runs into the sister again as she’d dropping off Danny. She complains about how taking care of his brother is blocking her sex life, being so subtle as to say that he could ask her on a date. After obviously being in a trance where he’s thinking about all the balls he’s had in his mouth for the last five years, Johnny finally catches on and asks her to go for coffee tomorrow night. She says she can’t because she works, but asks him if he’s free tonight instead. He’s not, so they both sit for a couple of minutes in confused silence, looking so stumped that you would think someone had just asked them to solve a calculus problem. You know, there are more nights in your future than tonight and tomorrow. How about the next night after that, you moron? But instead of making that rather obvious suggestion, Johnny tells her to go sit by a tree as he runs inside the clinic and gets them coffee in an impromptu date. The romance continues in a conversation over coffee that, like their interaction in general, is brief, awkward, and ultimately pointless.

After a quick and entirely unnecessary scene where Johnny and his coworker Steve explain that they’re going to fix up the old car that Red picked out for Johnny, which is EXACTLY what Red had implied in the previous scene on the subject, it goes right back to the clinic where Johnny gives Danny a book on cars, trying to tell him that if he keeps reaching for the stars, he can one day endanger his life needlessly as well. Danny then reveals the movie’s shockingly unpredictable twist: he’s in a wheelchair because he and his father where in an accident where they were hit by a street racer. Guess who hit them? Well, that’s pretty shocking provided that you don’t remember the accident scene at the beginning of the movie where they show Danny in the SUV that gets hit. But do you mean to tell me that they assigned this asshole to the clinic where his victim is recovering? And no one thought that might be inappropriate for everyone involved?

With his conscience weighing heavily on his shoulders, Johnny decides the only way to feel better is to get back to training at the go-kart track while the shitty love-child of Limp Bizkit and POD plays a jazzy tune in the background. Really? We have to sit through this insanity again? Are you fucking kidding me? This time the racing scene goes on even longer, which somehow achieves the admirable feat of making it even less impressive to watch. It’s just fucking tedious. Needing a break from the six mile per hour adrenaline rush, Johnny pits again to discover Red in a racing suit and a go-kart of his own. Not content to simply sit on the sidelines and shout painfully elementary observations at him, Red has apparently decided to rise up to present Johnny with a confused and likely incontinent challenge. The two of them then race around the track together and again the shots are all at ground level, which not only makes it look like slow moving affair, but also makes it nearly impossible to tell who’s winning half the time. And really, it doesn’t matter. Jesus, I don’t think I have the faculties to continue laughing much longer before this assault causes my nervous system to shut down altogether. All I can think of now is Jack Nicholson standing over my corpse as I appear in a commercial for Joker products. Fuck…enough. It seems to go on forever, even though they only race for exactly forty seven seconds before they pit again. At that point Red gives more useless advice about “cooking the breaks” before they head back out onto the track again. FUCK, NO MORE PLEASE. This time they race for sixty four seconds before they pit again and Red declares that’s enough for today, he’s beat. What? Two minutes of driving on an amusement ride designed for children tires you out?

Picture above: Red and Johnny. Not pictured: shame.

The movie then goes back to the junkyard where we finally get the much anticipated ‘building the car’ montage, which is only the first scene in a sequence of unbridled stupidity. Seconds later, we see Johnny with his newly built Subaru Impreza, complete with a perfect body and paint job. How the fuck did they do the body work that fast? But before we can think too much about it, Johnny takes it out for a spin where he drives it back and forth on the same two lane highway that we’ve seen a dozen times by now, doing e-brake slides all over the goddamn place even though you can see other traffic coming on the highway. After a ridiculous amount of sliding around which appears to be accomplishing nothing, Johnny yells shit for no apparent reason. And the next moment, he’s back at the junkyard where Red tells Johnny that he’s seen lots of people wrap cars like that around telephone poles trying to beat Mickey. What? He knows Mickey? Not only personally, but of his actual racing history? Why didn’t he know who Johnny was then, since he and Mickey were friends? Once Red finishes his uninspiring speech, Red declares that Johnny built the car, so he owns it. He then stalks off leaving Steve to tell Johnny that Red must really like him, probably because he reminds Red of his dead son who had cancer. Sure. Why not? Now that we’re reaching the end, let’s add an element to the story that serves no purpose whatsoever.

Part IV: The Road To Redemption Goes Through Asstown and Retardedville

With the stage finally set for his ultimate redemption, the movie turns back to the same shitty bar where all the town’s racers hang out again, as Johnny and Red stroll in to confront Mickey. Johnny declares that he’s here for a rematch, dropping the gauntlet like this movie did his acting career. At that point, Red steps in to declare the terms of the match. Three days. Abandoned warehouse district so no one gets hurt. Johnny, Mickey, and a startling lack of talent. Be there or be…um…probably pretty smart, actually. But of course, Mickey agrees to the terms, and fairly obnoxiously at that.

The movie turns back to the clinic, as Danny and Kelly are there for the first time with their father. The moment that Johnny walks in, he instantly recognizes him and explodes, punches him square in the face. Realizing that his facade is ruined and with no defense for his actions, Johnny runs outside to sob in the parking lot. Kelly follows him, demanding to know the truth before giving him a good lecture. Trying to explain himself, Johnny says that he didn’t know what to do. You know, no shit. Let’s take a moment to look at this. As much as the actions that got him here in the first place were deplorable, what could he have possibly done differently once he got out of prison? The guy was fucking assigned there. He didn’t choose to come hang out. And this is cemented a moment later when the therapist is explaining to the irate father that they knew who he was, but they’re short on volunteers and Danny seemed to respond well to him. So not only did the parole board know where they were sending him, but the fucking clinic knew who he was not only when they accepted him but when they encouraged him to work with Danny. What the fuck is that? But back outside, Kelly gives him a very convenient path to redemption, telling him that if he really wants to make things better, get the money needed to pay for his therapy. I wonder what he’ll do now?

Later that night, Briggs tracks down Johnny to give him an ultimatum. He must win the race. Wow. And here I thought he was trying to lose. What a fucking useful scene.

It's a little known fact, but aside from driving fast, the only other thing that will assure a victory in any contest is a racing stripe.

The next day Johnny pulls into the junkyard in his car, which is now covered in decals. When the fuck was that done? And why? Did he honestly have that much free time on his hands? Red gives him a lecture on how this whole thing isn’t about the race, it’s about something else, which ends with, “you fuck it up, you fix it”. Fuck, that dude is so inspirational. And to continue proving how useful he is, Red soon goes to visit Briggs, telling him that he knows what’s going on and demanding that Briggs give Johnny a break, asking him to stop the race. He’s so goddamn inspirational that Briggs plays innocent for a minute until before launching into a tirade, saying that one call from him and Johnny will go missing, the girl and her family will go missing, and Red’s shop will go up in flames. Wow, that really helped the situation. His work totally done, Red leaves and gets back to the junkyard as Johnny is giving his car a last check and decides to finish off the scene in style:

Red: “I’m going to go take a dump.”

Johnny: “Well hurry up.”

Red: “You can’t hurry a sizzler.”

Awesome. It’s nice to know that it’s not just me that might shit their pants after witnessing this man’s role in the movie. After Steve wishes him luck, Briggs shows up again and this time tell Johnny that he now stands to make a shitload more money if he loses, so he has to throw the race. See, now that makes sense. Now he’s conflicted and doesn’t know what to do, which is the standard plot device in these situations. Telling him earlier that he had to win when he had already intended on doing so was awesome, but pointless.

This car probably costs more money than it took to make this film.

Now to the race! For the first time this actually appears to look like an actual illegal street race as it’s taking place at night. But before we get to the action, we start with several scenes that I highly suspect are stock footage of shitheads and their cars, just standing or driving around with their ground effects. As we get to the action, Johnny pulls up to meet Mickey and Red outlines the course. Go right, right, right and then right again. First one back wins. Wow, that’s a complicated track. And one whole lap? As Kenny Loggins would say, you guys are on the Highway to the Danger Zone. As they sit in their cars at the starting line waiting to take off, Steve pulls up to Johnny’s passenger window with Danny and Kelly. Steve had explained the situation with Briggs to them, so they are now there to give their support. Everything’s totally cool now. Sure, why not?

We just gained knowledge that's in no way relevant to why we were angry with you in the first place, so now WE LOVE YOU JOHNNY!

When the race begins, they tear off down the dark street in rather dramatic fashion, as long as you consider recreating two elderly motorists pulling away from a red light to be dramatic. Moments after they start, a dude in a random fucking helicopter overhead spots them and declares, “Now we’ve got some action!” The dude then starts giving fucking commentary as the race progresses. Wait, who the fuck is this guy? Are you honestly trying to tell me that on any given night, this city has a helicopter flying around looking for illegal street races so that it can provide play-by-play commentary to no one!? And someone this dude even guesses that Mickey has the advantage in horsepower. How the fuck would this guy know that just by looking at them from a helicopter in the middle of the night? As the shitty race continues, the helicopter declares that the only way Johnny can win is if he overtakes Mickey on the last corner. Like Luke Skywalker on his Death Star trench run in A New Hope, Johnny hears the words of Red in his head, telling him that straight lines are for fast cars, corners are for fast drivers. Inspired by the obvious, Johnny manages to take the corner better than Mickey does and wins the race. Less than three minutes after it started, it’s all over. That’s it? That’s the climactic race? With that kind of quality, I’m surprised the scene didn’t consist of the two actors sitting in stationary cars spliced with footage of two hands pushing Hot Wheels around a track made of cardboard.

If Red specifically chose this course because it's in an abandoned area where no one can get hurt, why is there oncoming traffic?

Mickey pulls up next to Johnny after the race and congratulates him, telling him no hard feelings. He says “until next time” to Johnny, kind of implying that they would race again at some point, to which Johnny does not disagree. Wow, you really didn’t learn anything through the duration of this film, did you? Once Mickey pulls away, Derek walks up to Johnny’s window and gives him the ten grand that he won. Johnny gets out of his car to celebrate with his gang of supporters, giving the money to Danny to pay for his therapy and ensuring that he’ll get into Kelly’s pants later that night. But we can’t end a scene like this. No, it’s time now for some officially Asylum trademarked insanity. As the gang celebrates, another street race is beginning a few feet away from them. And just as those two cars start to screech off, Briggs comes striding around a corner, coming over to yell at Johnny. And of course, Briggs gets nailed by one of the fucking cars through the magic of bad special effects. Are you shitting me? He didn’t see or hear the two fucking cars coming right at him? As they realize what’s just happened, everyone at the event starts to scatter as sirens start blaring about four seconds later and the scene fades to black. Wow.

Before the credits roll, the movie wants to punch you in the face one last time.

Five months later, Johnny is loading Danny into go-kart back at the track as he’s finally progressed enough to become a menace to society himself. But just as he’s ready to burn off, Johnny and Kelly reveal that they have one more surprise for him. They bring in a young girl who’s apparently going to teach him how to drive. I’d love to know how vast her knowledge is at twelve, but frankly I don’t care by this point. The preteen sexual tension is palpable, even though her line delivery is as quiet as it is terrible. Yeah, there’s nothing like setting up your crippled younger brother to get laid. As the two kids start racing around the track, Johnny and Kelly smooch to bring the movie to a merciful end.

The Verdict:

Donkey: While it doesn’t have a few of the hallmarks that have made Asylum movies so great, like dialogue that was recorded next to a turbine or a cast that thinks acting talent is directly proportional to screaming level, it does feature a main character with an unforgettable name (due to everyone repeating it about five hundred times per hour) being guided by a mentor who passed out sagely advice like broth at a soup kitchen while forcing his pupil to go through a training program that a toddler would describe as insanely inappropriate. And it takes balls to make a movie about racing where all your race scenes are shorter and more badly done than a pimply teenager losing his virginity. I give this movie four and a half Johnny Johnny Johnny’s out of five laps around the go-kart track.

What We Learned:

Donkey: I’ll always be grateful to this film for validating the years of painstaking research that I’ve done into the highly scientific equation “WIN RACE = GO FASTER”. But even more profoundly, I’ll never forget that try as you might, you can’t rush a sizzler. Thanks, Red.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: A videogame that no one knows is brought to life by people you’ve never heard of with a story that you couldn’t possibly comprehend in…FIST OF THE NORTH STAR.

Back To The Main Page.

They're colliding? Is God drunk at the wheel? And does that mean that the Almighty is just another shirtless dude you'd find on COPS?

Donkey: Everyone loves a surprise. Whether it’s winning a stack of Jacksons on Papa’s Mustache in the third race down at the track, or having all your friends pop out of the darkness and yell, “Surprise!” just as you, your dog, and a bottle of peanut butter are about to celebrate your birthday by entering a land of erotica shunned by the rest of the world, it’s the thrill of the unknown that makes life worth living. Of course, sometimes a surprise can be more like a kick in the head with cement galoshes. We thought we knew what we were getting into when it came to Asylum films. After all, we had already seen so much. Transmorphers had trilled us with with robots that transmorphed into unremarkable buildings and/or loose debris. Snakes On A Train had dazzled us with Mexican wizardry and breasts bared in palpable shame. Alien Vs Hunter had stunned us with a man in an old scuba suit running around the same tunnels for hours on end. Universal Soldiers had enchanted us with throats that never seemed to go hoarse, no matter that every word left their mouths in a blistering scream. We thought we knew it all, so we were eager to find anything Asylum related that we could get our hands on. And so we came to The Apocalypse. Little did we know that someone was about to turn on the lights and catch us with Skippy on our balls.

The Plot:

Donkey: We have seen movies with plots so simple that it would be reasonable to assume that they had stolen their scripts directly from the daydreams of houseplants, but nothing compares to The Apocalypse. Like many other movies that have come before it, The Apocalypse dares to ask what you would do with your time if you knew that an asteroid was about to end human existence. But rather than ask this question while Steven Tyler yowls like a cat in heat in the background, this movie adds a different caveat. What would you do if the world was going to end and you had to pander to all those people out there with a frighteningly obsessive relationship with Jesus?

You see, The Apocalypse is the first movie that was produced by The Asylum’s subcompany, Faith Films. And while it’s a given that Christianity is going to do to cinema what it has done to rock music – fuck it up so badly that even baby Jesus would cry – it becomes even more of a dark horse when The Asylum enters the picture. Can they really manage to make it that much worse? Hell yes. If you are still a Christian and happen to be looking for the inspiration to abandon your faith faster than an overflowing outhouse, look no further.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Part I: Welcome To Our Nightmare. Our Hilarious Nightmare.

Donkey: The Apocalypse begins with what, by any measure, has to be considered one of the greatest prologues ever to blow its stinging load of awesomeness into human eyes. It opens with two couples and what appears to be a roadie from Poison’s 1993 “We Still Suck” tour sitting around a campfire in the deep backcountry of California, sharing good wholesome laughs about how four of them are going to get laid tonight while a certain someone will be stuck singing Every Rose Has Its Thorns while jerking off into a tube sock. Already percolating in anticipation of the hot wool-on-balls action that is to come, the roadie gets up and goes to take a piss. As he’s standing in the trees with his junk in his hand, he looks up to see something in the sky, descending at an alarming rate. Suddenly, our roadie friend is smoked in the chest by a goddamn meteor.

God, please help me clear out this chest infection...Say, what's that?

Back at the campfire, which one has to imagine is no more than twenty feet away at most, one of the women asks, “Did you guys hear that?” But rather than giving her a good shake for asking something so obvious and retarded that it’s akin to asking someone engulfed in flames, “Hey, does that hurt?”, her boyfriend simply says, “I didn’t hear anything.” Really, champ? Because that, of course, is quite insane. Forget hearing; if a meteor hit the Earth twenty feet away from you, you’d feel it. One couple gets up to investigate, gives up after seven seconds, and turns back to the others just in time to see that same boyfriend gets smoked in the head by another goddamn meteor.

I'm just saying that According To Jim is the greatest show ever. If I'm wrong, may my head be pulverized by some type of ballistic rock from the heavens.

Almost immediately his girlfriend is knocked to the ground where she stares up and screams what we can assume is her meteor-flavored imminent demise, which is implied as we don’t actually see her die. But as sweet as that is, we all know that real disasters come in threes and they certainly saved the best for last. As the last couple flees for their lives, the remaining boyfriend suddenly screams like a little girl and jumps off frame. It then cuts to a shot showing him diving into a random puddle of molten lava like he’s in an Olympic diving competition, where he is of course immediately disintegrated.

Oh yeah! Belly flop!

He didn’t fall or stumble in. He fucking DOVE in. So either this asshole thought he had come face to face with the entrance to Candy Mountain, or he just wanted to be out of this Asylum film as quickly and hilariously as possible. Regardless, the remaining woman continues to run as the scene comes to a close. Our laughter, however, wouldn’t stop for at least ten more minutes.

So how much do you think a contractor charges to fix horribly created CG damage?

With that unparalleled example of arbitrary lunacy out of the way, the movie’s main and significantly less comedic story arch now begins. A scene opens to a cabin elsewhere in a Californian forest as a park ranger named Jason gets a call telling him that he has to come down to the station. He arrives there a few minutes later to discover that half of the station has been destroyed by a meteor. And of course, as this is an Asylum film, ‘destroyed’ in this case actually means ‘digitally altered using horrific CG images of rubble and fire to make it appear destroyed’. As Jason and his colleague, Don, stand staring in the understandable confusion that all of us would go through when faced with terrible, terrible special effects, they wonder if they should blame the destruction on an earthquake, a lightning strike, or Mexicans. But their mental crippling is interrupted as another meteor tears across the sky and smashes into the nearby city of Monteray, causing a nuclear-sized explosion. Jason and Don stand there relatively unimpressed, not some much as flinching, like they somehow didn’t notice the goddamn nuclear blast that just took place a short distance away. They remain completely unconcerned until they drive a short ways and see that Monteray is completely destroyed. Oh, THAT’S what that was…

Ewwwww...don't give me cooties!

The movie then introduces us to the next players in this tableau of shame, as we turn to Hollywood and meet Jason’s daughter Lindsay, played by the blonde military chick from Universal Soldiers. She’s in bed with her boyfriend, Andrew, where they’re engaged in a duo of mortal sins in tickling and cuddling. As they explore the unbridled lust of seven-year-olds, one of Lindsay’s roommates bursts into the room, telling them to come watch the news and see the destruction caused by the meteor in Monteray. As she watches the story on a TV in their living room, Lindsay begins freaking out about her mom, who is apparently near the blast zone. Just then she gets a call from her mother and begins a conversation that is in no way completely fucking insane. The fourth sentence of the conversation is, “I know, it’s His plan….no, I’m not afraid.” Her mother tells her to stay there, that she’s on her way. With that bit of reassurance Lindsay, Andrew, and her roommates are free to just sit around and have an exceptionally shallow and pointless conversation about death and, in turn, how all those people are better off because they’re with God in a better place. All the forced religious dialogue is shoehorned into the scene so pathetically that it honestly wouldn’t have been any more stupid for them to have engaged in a conversation about how extreme and in your face Mountain Dew is.

The movie turns back to Jason’s cabin where he and Don are joined by Jason’s ex-wife, Ashley, who gives them horrible news. Another meteor coming, and while the first one was only the size of a small home, this other meteor’s roughly the size of Texas. It should arrive within four days to cause what is widely acknowledged to be complete human extinction. So the question has now become, “if you knew the we all had only four days to live, what would you do?” Not wanting to admit to the massive four day orgy that just sprung to mind, Don instead says that he has to go see his brother before all is said and done and bolts out the front door to go find his Astroglide and assless chaps. Jason tries to cockblock, insisting that Don should come with them instead as he chases Don outside, only to discover that he has vanished. Jason and Ashley look around the front of the cabin to see where he could have possibly gone, and we are once again treated to the sensory delights of the Asylum’s production values. As the two speak to one another, their voices are drowned out completely by the wind. Not a strong, gale-force wind, mind you. Just a regular breeze. I’m not sure what either of them says, so instead I’ll just guess that the scene ends with, “I sure hope Don doesn’t strangle too many hookers on the way to that clusterfuck and steal all my fun.”

With our main character introduced, the movie breaks off and follows two separate paths at this point, both of which are equally uninteresting and poorly regaled. Rather than switch back and forth between the two plot lines like the movie does in a transparent attempt to make each of them appear to have more depth than they actually do, we’ll sift through these turd piles one at a time to show how little substance is actually in them.

Part II: Self-Righteous Irrelevance Takes A Road Trip.

We’ll start our recounting with the parents and the tale of the their long trek to find Lindsay in LA. Their first obstacle, apart from lacking any interesting or redeemable qualities that would make the characters sympathetic or identifiable in the slightest, is unnecessary and poorly created tension in the form of a landslide that comes roaring down behind them as they drive away from Jason’s cabin. And once again, remember that this is an Asylum film, so in this case the landslide consists of absolutely nothing. Some street lights blink out to make it seem like they’ve been enveloped in the blackness of the slide, but since this scene takes place in the pitch black dead of night, that means that they’re adding blackness to blackness. This is shown pretty blatantly as they race away in their truck and Jason yells to Ashley, asking if she can see if it’s still behind them. She says yes as the camera cuts to a shot looking back behind the truck where we see NOTHING. But eventually, once they’re sick of playing their little pretend game, they somehow determine that they’re no longer being chased by invisible nothingness and slow down to a leisurely pace.

Ummmm....yep, I totally see a landslide behind us.

They’re still driving the next morning as Jason says something about hoping there’s some kind of contingency plan in place, to which Ashley replies that there’s always salvation. Yeah, I sure hope that if any looming natural disasters are facing us as a species, like a giant meteor, our world leaders don’t try to actually solve the problem by sending Bruce Willis and a team of crusty oil rig jockeys to pull an Armageddon or something even remotely useful, but instead just tell me to ante up and pay the cover charge with Mr. Jesus so that I can get past the velvet ropes in the sky. But rather than stopping with that stupidity, Ashley keeps talking and moves on to how Jason’s put it off long enough, but it’s time to face the death of their son and seek salvation. I’d love to say more about the minutes of dialogue that proceeds from that point, as they appear to be trying to make the scene appear quite dramatic, but you can’t hear a goddamn thing over the ambient noise of the background. Obviously whoever was doing the audio thought that the best place for the mic was in the truck’s goddamn muffler. Moments later they come to a van on the side of the road and a man who looks suspiciously like he’s using that van to lure children into a very sore world of rectal pain using delicious candy as bait. They stop and discover that it’s another Asylum film regular, the dude who played the doctor in Transmorphers. He’s frantically searching for his nephew who literally disappeared out of the back of the van while he was driving. A single middle-aged dude frantically looking for a child with whom he is loosely affiliated at best who managed to escape from the back of his van? Oh yeah, that sounds totally legit. Sign me up. But before Jason and Ashley can put the pieces together, the doctor suddenly disappears himself. What could this mean? Could it be an alien abduction? Divine intervention? Or simply that the dude stepped off camera during a cut?

Goddamn it! Do you know how many packs of Skittles it took me to get that kid in here?

The parents continue driving, passing a bunch of cars that have been abandoned in the middle of the road. As the truck weaves between them, the act of turning makes is sound like the truck’s front axle is also acting as a goddamn rock tumbler. Figuring that’s quite enough of an attack on our intelligence, the scene ends there and the movie soon returns to the parents as the weather begins to change. It transitions from ash falling to the ground like snow, to rain, and then to hail. And of course, an Asylum movie is to the weather what it is to everything else, so creating the ‘hail’ in this scene consists of someone off camera throwing handfuls of pellets at the truck. During this intensely fake weather attack, Jason and Ashely once again continue to argue about something, but you can’t hear goddamn thing over the sound of the hail. At the end of what might as well have been a pantomimed discussion, Jason and Ashley look out of their windows and see that the weather continues to change in very poorly animated ways, as what is supposed to be a tornado begins forming off the coastline that the truck is now somehow magically overlooking. Showing a surprising amount of basic intelligence, they decide to take off rather than to wait around and see if the twister will deliver them to Captain Christ and his Infinite Shellfish Buffet.

As they continue their journey at the pace of a leisurely Sunday drive, Ashley decides to continue with her sermon, recounting a tale of how their son Robbie had a meningitis scare as an infant. She was so terrified at the time that Jason had to take her aside and tell her not to worry, that God had a plan. A painful, terrible plan. Jason steels his gaze at the story’s telling, declaring that he was wrong. Ashley says no, he was right. And that’s it. That’s the scene. Wow, what a great fucking story. That showed all the human emotion and religious insight of a half eaten stack of soggy flapjacks. We catch up with them again later as they realize that they’re lost. Or at least I think that’s what they’re saying, since I still can’t hear a fucking thing as they examine their map, other than the sound of what I’m starting to believe is my life being wasted away before my very eyes. And once again the scene closes on that. Fuck, another brilliant moment.

MMMFFFMMMFFGHTTTT!!!! I SAID MMMGGDDDDTTTT, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Our tale returns to the parents shortly, as they come across a dude laying the middle of the road. They stop and get out to investigate, only to find that it’s our favorite Asylum actor, playing a character we’ll call Bald Spice, or BS for short. As Jason approaches his prone body to see if he’s dead, BS sits up suddenly and pulls a gun. He says he’s not a bad man, but he needs their truck to get out of here. I think he’s saying something about needing to see his wife again, but all dialogue in this scene is once again relegated to a lower audio priority than nearby crickets and the sound of air. Eventually Jason says what I believe is something along the lines of not being willing to give up his truck, but that he’s willing take BS with them. More inaudible dialogue is thrown out with dramatic emphasis, in which BS says something about liars. I think he’s talking about the ‘no late fees’ policy at Blockbuster Video, because at this point I’d rather make up my own story than bother to follow theirs. Apparently he’s not a fan of riding in the back seat, though, as suddenly BS yells, “Why has God forsaken me?”, stumbles into nearby trees, and shoots himself in the head. Or at least we presume that he did, since we didn’t actually see him do it. For all we know, he could have shot up into the sky at his trecherous god and then started silently dancing the Boot Scoot Boogie. But while Jason and Ashley cope with the loss of the potential Chinese-finger-trap-style threesome that they were hoping to talk their way into, a sudden earthquake hits, causing the road to split and their truck to fall into a resulting crevasse.

Shut up. It's totally a lake of boiling blood. Seriously.

The parents continue their journey on foot, arguing about their dead son Robbie. Once again Ashley continues to exclaim that  he needs to find God. As her very tiresome self-righteous speech momentarily ends, they come to a lake which gives them pause, as I believe it’s supposed to have had its water replaced with blood and have dead fish floating in it. But of course, the Asylum created this effect by simply filming a lake that looks like it has garbage floating in it. Close enough, right? The movie cuts away and then returns to the parents in another scene where Ashley demands that Jason pray with her. The water is blood, the sky is burning; it’s clear that The Almighty is having his period. But regardless, she says that her faith needs to be stronger and so does his, so that they can all be together in the afterlife. And then that scene ends. FUCK. Is this even a movie? Because at this point it just seems like a test to see how much ridiculous shit Christians will put up with so long as they are treated to an unmotivated reference to Jesus every five minutes.

As their journey continues, along with our pain in witnessing it, the parents arrive at random airplane hangar where they find a woman with a rifle and her young daughter. After a few moments which are supposed to be tense, but instead act as just another verse in the lullaby that is this movie as it sings you into a coma, the woman and daughter agree to allow Jason and Ashley to stay without first testing the velocity of buckshot with their faces. As the four of them sit around and listen to a radio, the daughter reveals that they still have wireless Internet. And apparently someone out there is still blogging, because moments later when Jason and the little girl are on the computer, they find news about the asteroid that’s coming to kill them all. And while Jason and the girl hack the Gibson, the woman tells Ashley that they’re alone because her boyfriend suddenly disappeared. Ashley asks if he was a man of God. And wouldn’t you know it, he was. The woman explains that she wanted more people of high moral stature around her daughter, so she she got online and found this dude in a Christian chat room. Are you fucking kidding me? You wanted to avoid freaks, so you went online? But Ashley assures the woman that her boyfriend is with God now, because it’s the End of Days. While all this is going on, the young girl decides to give Jason the keys to a plane, which he and Ashley hop into moments later, leaving the mother and daughter behind to face their fate alone. Because that’s the Christian thing to do, folks.

As their journey takes to the skies, the parents look down to see a tsunami hitting the west coast. It should go without saying at this point that this latest disaster, like all others before it, looks like complete ass. The movie cuts away and eventually returns to them, where this time the dialogue loses audio priority to the musical score, which makes sense. I guess hearing the third chair obo player for the Sacramento Carpet Layer and Food Buggerer’s Orchestra is more important than anything else. If you strain hard enough, you’ll be able to make out Ashley saying that she’s only worried that Lindsay won’t ask for God’s forgiveness in time. But as long as she does, everything else will work itself out. Apparently even the magic man in the sky found this idea to be as incomprehensibly and offensively idiotic as I did, as suddenly a bunch of meteors begin to rain down around the plane. Jason uses his finely tuned piloting skills to do absolutely nothing, as the scene ends with a flaming ball of poetic justice smashing through a wing and the plane beginning to descend back to the Earth.

Damn, I think that crash gave me a hangnail.

The next time we see the parents, they are inexplicably walking away from the horrible burning wreckage that their plane now consists of without so much as a scratch. To add insult to a blatant kick in the balls, Ashley decides it’s time to treat us all to another story. This time it’s about how the priest at Robbie’s funeral gave her shit for not doing enough to save him, as Robbie was never baptized. As a result of his cruelty, she hasn’t been back to church in years. To really add the exclamation point on how much of a fucking idiot she is, Ashley says that she doesn’t forgive the priest, but she understands him, as he was just trying to save souls and that’s what she’s trying to do now. She surmises that because of what she describes as her casual approach to religion, as apparently this woman rates any view that’s not so fundamentalist that it involves strapping yourself to a metric ton of dynamite and running at an abortion clinic as “casual”, she’s not being raptured away like everyone else around them is. And once again, the Flying Spaghetti Monster must agree with my exasperation at this display, as moments later lightning strikes twice within five feet of the couple as they flee from the well deserved smiting. But finally their journey comes to an end as they approach LA.

Part III: Are You There, God? It’s Me, Lindsay. Oh, And My Secular Pussy Of A Boyfriend.

While those events were playing out for her parents, Lindsay ventures through a even simpler and far more pointless odyssey. We first catch up with her as she and Andrew show up at the church that she frequents. The couple sit in a pew and Lindsay reassures him that she’s not trying to convert him, but that she thought coming here to chill would be relaxing, or at least it would be for her. Wow, now that’s considerate. Andrew makes an offhanded quip about how, “this is a little strange, especially after…last night.” That’s right kids, he’s talking about the dirty, dirty sex. You see, you can’t be a decent religious person if you have premarital sex, even if you are of legal consenting age and in a loving, committed relationship. And apparently piercings and tattoos don’t cut it either, as Andrew points those out as well all to make the case that Lindsay’s a terrible person. Then somehow the conversation ends up turning around, with him arguing that she obviously believes in God while she plays it cool, like she just comes to the church for free pizza and geriatric bingo. That’s the end of that scene, and I’m sure glad that I watched it, because I learned absolutely nothing. As a matter of fact, I’ve completely forgotten where I live.

You so owe me and hanjob for this.

We return to see the young couple the next morning, back at Lindsay’s house where she sits up in bed after another night of dirty anal sex with Andrew. She hears a noise and Andrew tells her that everything will be alright. And once again we fade to black with the end of another scene. WHAT?! That’s a scene? How was that even in the goddamn script? What was the point of that?

Next we see Lindsay later on that day, pleading to go out while Andrew puts his foot down and says they’re not going anywhere. As this argument, which seems like it has been time warped in from 1954, continues, the phone rings. Lindsay answers it, only to realize that it’s a call from…no one. DRAMATIC! And that’s it. Time to end another scene. Again, what a poignant look into the human condition. I’ve seen shampoo commercials deeper than this fucking movie. As the movie returns to Lindsay later, she is still hanging out in her living room, watching the news with one of her roommates. The camera tightens its shot on Lindsay for no apparent reason, then pans back out to show the roommate has suddenly either disappeared or just wandered off camera to grab an RC Cola. Lindsay steps out her front door, just to confirm that her roommate did not, in fact, find some miraculous way to defy physics and dive out of the house without her noticing. And that’s it. End of scene. FUCK. This is really testing my goddamn patience. And let me remind you all, I’m no goddamn rookie when it comes to ‘Asylum-boring’.

Hey, you don't know who ate my leftover burrito, do you? Hello?

What? There's a what coming? I totally don't hear anything.

The movie picks up again as Lindsay is joined by Andrew in the front yard and they look up to see a twister coming towards them, tearing apart anything in its path. As the two of them flee back inside the house, they run into one of Lindsay’s other roommates who doesn’t believe them when they tell her of the impending danger. Apparently she’s been hanging out in a fucking sensory deprivation tank. She runs out front and sees for herself that yes, there is in fact a tornado about a hundred yards from their front door. What was the goddamn point of that? We’ve already seen the twister, so it’s not like the movie needed an idiot to give it an excuse to prove that it was there. So is the movie seriously trying to suggest that she couldn’t hear that? Regardless, they all run back inside a take cover. The roommate ends up hiding underneath their stairs while Lindsay and Andrew take cover in their tub. But it’s all for naught as everyone but Lindsay is sucked away to their doom as the tornado rips through the house. As that scene ends and a new one begins soon after, we see Lindsay stumbling around through wreckage that used to be her neighborhood. Eventually and rather conveniently, she finds Andrew nearby, trapped underneath shit. So not only did he not fly very far after being picked up by a goddamn tornado, but he seems to have landed in an assload of debris without receiving the mandatory complete internal organ makeover. AWESOME.

Sure this might be badly timed, but do you wanna hear my car alarm impression? EEEEEEEEE!!!!!

The next series of scenes in this harrowing, awful tale revolves around Lindsay trying to comfort Andrew as he succumbs to the mortal wound of a not very hurt leg and cries like a schoolgirl, ensuring that even if he were to miraculously survive what should not be fatal wounds, she wouldn’t possibly respect him enough to touch his little boy bits ever again.

Oh God. Look at all the blood that's not coming out of my flesh wound. I'm as good as dead.

Lindsay starts by bringing him a drink, as Andrew gulps at the empty can like a child actor auditioning for his first Kool Aid commercial. They talk about how no one is coming to help and Andrew begins mumbling something that we CAN’T FUCKING HEAR. This just never gets old. Once again dialogue loses out, this time to an unseen helicopter which Lindsay tries unsuccessfully to flag down for help moments later. Of course, an Asylum film doesn’t have the budget for a screenplay, let alone a helicopter so we don’t actually see one. But we still hear it, even as the first scene ends a new one begins, and it still sounds like it’s hovering about six feet above their heads. To fill the time before his life is finally extinguished by the minor scratches on his leg, Andrew continues to babble on, asking what happens if he dies without finding God, saying, “So this is it? I just die?”, and saying he’d believe if Lindsay would just say something. Lindsay asks if Andrew wants Jesus to do something fantastic like raise the dead, or turn water into wine, because He did that already and Andrew still doesn’t believe. Oh snap, son! That might just be the greatest theological argument slapped down since, “well what if you’re wrong?” Just then some Random Arab Dude, whom we’ll awesomely call RAD, wanders up, shaming Andrew into silence. RAD tells them that this kind of devastation is everywhere, but even worse than that is the quiet. It seems like everyone is disappearing. With his pride quickly going out the window, Andrew once again starts to cry like a newborn. Lindsay and RAD move all the way down to the bottom of Andrew’s legs and then start talking about Andrew’s chances of survival. Let’s say that once again just to be clear. They didn’t get up and walk a city block away. They’re literally at his feet, talking like he can’t hear them. And as they carry out this highly covert briefing, Andrew starts gasping for air, then suddenly he starts repeating, “I believe” over and over. Just then Lindsay and Captain RAD turn their heads slightly to discover that Andrew’s gone. Fuck, how did they not notice him disappear? They were crouching at his feet, for god’s sake.

Now that he can't hear us, did you want to get a drink after this fucker dies?

This is the greatest special effect I've ever seen made with MS Paint.

The movie eventually comes back to Lindsay again, as she and Professor RAD begin to argue about what to do next. They’re interrupted by a tremendous roar and we see a badly created CG tsunami wave washing over the Staples Center, followed by a shot of downtown LA completely submerged in water. As the movie turns back to Lindsay and First Mate RAD standing there, unaffected by the catastrophic events around them, they have a shallow conversation about their families before The Duke of RAD tells a crazy non-Christian religious story which has no discernible point. If nothing else, it’s terribly nice of this movie to at least highlight the fact that Christianity hasn’t captured the market on useless drivel. But once again the argument resumes, as the Lord of RAD insists once again that they should be heading to a shelter. But even as he prepares to leave, Lindsay declares that she can’t. She has to find Andrew and wait for her mom to arrive. Soon she finds herself standing alone in a pile of rubble, which is pretty much exactly like the experience of actually watching an Asylum film.

Part IV: A Pointless End To A Meaningless Journey…In TECHNICOLOR.

With all of our characters now in the city and their individual stories told, our stories once again converges. Still searching for Lindsay, the parents end up wandering into the church where Lindsay and Andrew had been earlier. They look around and discover that they’re daughter is obviously not there, but before they leave to resume their search, Ashley stops at the large crucifix hanging at the pulpit. And just to bookend the movie, a death as startlingly hilarious as those in the opening of the movie takes place. As they stand in prayer, lightning somehow manages to strike inside the building and hit the cross directly. But it gets even fucking crazier: the cross then explodes and a huge chunk hits Ashley, instantly crushing her. Jason kneels down to comfort her as she dies in one of the funniest  and most ironic ways ever seen on film. As she looks up at him, Jason’s bathed in light. Ashley tells him not to worry about her, to find their daughter and let her see his heart. They tearfully tell one another that they love each other before she finally disappears. That might have been touching if it weren’t one of the most goddamn ridiculous things I’ve ever seen.

How much does God have to hate you for you to be killed by a crucifix that's been struck by lightning INSIDE A FUCKING CHURCH?

Is it just me, or is he only five years older than his supposed "daughter"? Ten, tops.

With very little left to do, Jason walks outside into the rain. He strolls through three different shots, and even though it’s pouring rain in every one of them, he’s only slightly wet. After a few minutes, he finally finds Lindsay, and at that point he’s miraculously bone dry. They have a tearful reunion and a conversation that’s once again drowned out by the musical score. As they embrace one last time, they turn and see that the asteroid is about to strike. And at the point, the credits begin to roll and the movie ends. So just to be clear, these two weren’t save. I’m not sure what commentary that’s trying to make, but I’m pretty sure it’s one that would still be considered ridiculous if you muttered it out through a mouthful of crackers after getting kicked straight in the vagina.

The Verdict:

Donkey: While it could only be described as an insult to anything with a pulse, The Apocalypse does feature two of the greatest things ever to be witnessed in cinema. First, the opening scene is as without equal in hilarity as it is without reason for existing in the first place. It clearly doesn’t fit this movie in any way imaginable, but stands out as its greatest strength by far. Second, the audio quality of the film shines as one of the true crown jewels of The Asylum production company. While it is certainly a signature aspect of all of their early films, this is the one movie that features absolutely no action scenes, no explosions, no loud sound effects, or any other possible excuse that could be made for it’s blatant shittiness. It’s like they recorded this entire movie in a fucking wind tunnel and are making no apologies for it. However, those are the only two possible points of acclaim, as the rest of the movie is boring, self-righteous bullshit. Stil, that prologue is badass. I give his movie three meteor strikes to the face out of five sermons from a trashpile.

What We Learned:

Donkey: If there’s anyone that can make me believe in Christianity less than Jerry Fallwell, Pat Robertson, and Kirk Cameron all rolled into one ball of fucking crazy, it’s the Asylum. I should have never doubted them. My hat is off.

Don’t forget to check back every Thursday for a new, fresh review! Next week we will unfortunately be forced to take a break to regain our strength and intestinal fortitude, but check back later when a fully renewed shittymovienight.com presents: Possibly the greatest tragedy to ever hit the film and music industries simultaneously in the form of a dancing abyss of shame…COOL AS ICE.

Back To The Main Page.

The perfect fighter that not even the army can destroy? Indeed. Oh, unless you count twice with a stick. Then yeah, they kind of can.

Donkey: Stockholm Syndrome is the psychological condition in which captives begin to sympathize with their captors. I never thought I’d understand it myself, but for some reason that kept coming to mind, and I began to wonder if there’s a similar condition in which you start to believe that you’re eating ice cream if someone shits in your mouth often enough. If that’s the case, then trust me, we had achieved it. For several months we had endured a constant see-saw assault on the senses that few could withstand, as we teetered between laughing with wild abandon and shouting our way through angry exasperation at the spectacles that were bared before us. We were in love with the thrilling rollercoaster of true shittiness that we had found ourselves on and we didn’t want it to stop. So once again we turned back to the insanity of the very appropriately named The Asylum Films.

As we have already documented, The Asylum is well known for releasing poor quality films that mirror big budget titles as they are released either in theaters or on DVD. Of course, that mirror might as well have been crafted by a drunken hamster with an inner ear infection at the Unnecessarily-Spinning Mirror Factory, only ten minutes after he’d been told that he was going to be fired at the end of the day. But regardless, we have all come to understand that as The Asylum’s modus operandi. But their true genius shines through when they release a shitty imitation of a movie that hasn’t been on anyone’s radar for YEARS. And thus we come to Universal Soldiers. Although led by the immortal Jean Claude Van Damme (which means that you know that we’ll lovingly review it eventually), the original film, Universal Soldier, was released so long ago that many people have probably forgotten it even exists. So why the hell knock it off now? Our curiosity was piqued. It was time to stuff another chocolate log down our throats.

The Plot:

Donkey: Though it bucks the trend of relevance to current titles, Universal Soldiers certainly doesn’t discard all of The Asylum’s tried and true habits, as the movie’s plot makes about as much sense as the following phrase: purple chicken on corduroy toaster.

In the year 200XX, the government has engineered super soldiers of unimaginable strength. What government? Don’t know. Uruguay, perhaps? I’m sure that the movie is implying it’s the US government, but since they can’t be bothered to say, I can’t be bothered to assume. With those super soldiers loose on an island and equipped with extra sharp sticks, the fate of the world rests in the hands of a small band of military personnel determined to stop them from somehow making their way back to the mainland and invading the closest TGI Fridays. Armed only with fully automatic assault rifles and throats that somehow never seem to go hoarse no matter how much they pointlessly scream at one another, our heroes must travel to the last beacon of hope, which is either The Armory or The Mainframe depending on who happens to be shouting at the time, in order to stand a chance. Will they make it? Will even bigger guns manage to stop three middle aged men with pointy twigs? Does any of this matter? Yes, no, and no.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: Universal Soldiers, or as I like to call it, Incoherent Shoutfest V: The Revenge of the Unintelligible Sentence.

Donkey: This has got to be my favorite Asylum film so far when it comes to the title alone. Normally when they’re choosing a title for these things, they will at least take the original title and change a word. Not this time. Instead they said, “Fuck it, just throw an ‘S’ on the end and we’re good.”

Why the hell does this thing have teeth?

Milobar: As the opening credits roll we’re treated to a glimpse of some sort of Terminator-esque robot thing.

Donkey: Why the hell do they start with this badly ripped off Terminator clone?

Milobar: I don’t understand what this has to do with the Universal Soldiers that they fight throughout the rest of the movie. The soldiers are genetically engineered super men. This is a giant robot. Make up your goddamn mind. Of course, while watching these credits we get to see a bunch of names that nobody would recognize except us, because we’ve seen a lot of these people multiple times now.

Donkey: Including Jason Gray, our favorite Asylum actor who has been in every one of these movies so far.

Milobar: We love you, Jason.

Donkey: At least this movie wasn’t produced, edited, and directed by the same person.

Milobar: That really is the mark of a great movie.

Donkey: Yeah, you know that means it’s going to be shit when it comes to The Asylum. This was, however, directed by Griff Furst, the dude who played Itchy in Transmorphers. I can’t believe that. Wait, no…I can.

Milobar: And now that the credits are done, the movie starts in a way that makes it my favorite opening of any shitty movie we’ve ever watched. It’s so goddamn ridiculous. It starts in the middle of some serious shit that they never bother to explain. They don’t give you any background information or set it up in any way. I remember watching this for the first time and saying out loud, “What the fuck? Did we just skip half way into the movie?”

Donkey: Is this a bad copy?

Milobar: That’s literally what the beginning of this movie feels like: you’ve downloaded a corrupted copy that is missing the first fifteen minutes. Not that we downloaded this movie, of course. We paid for it.

Donkey: Of course. We never download any movies and do not endorse the habit in any way. But anyways, the scene begins with a group of military personnel all standing back to back with their guns drawn in some corridor, looking like they are attempting to defend themselves from something. Suddenly some dude runs into the room and gets impaled by a spear before being yanked out of view.

Look sharp, guys, and be sure the safety's off. Those Jehovah's Witnesses will find us no matter how far underground we flee.

Milobar: By Scorpion from Mortal Kombat, apparently.

Donkey: Undaunted by seeing someone slaughtered in front of them, the group continues talking and we discover that they need to locate The Professor and get to The Armory.

Milobar: Keep in mind, someone just mentioned The Armory is only “three clicks away”, so they should be able to get there pretty damn fast if they just run.

Donkey: This group is led by the man who played Valentine in Alien Vs Hunter, this time playing The Major. Sans mustache, unfortunately.

Milobar: Well in Alien Vs Hunter, he was playing the member of a militia, whereas he is now a soldier. Everyone knows that’s the difference between army and militia.

Donkey: Yes, mustachio vs lack of mustachio. Now that they’ve decided to move out, we see our group of military personnel wandering through tunnels. And speaking of Alien Vs Hunter, this is a great fucking start for this film having just watched that one. Just what we need is more goddamn tunnels.

Milobar: This is what The Asylum does best. And if I’m not mistaken, they emerge from the tunnels out of a culvert again.

Donkey: God, I hope so.

Milobar: I’m surprised they haven’t made a movie called Tunnels And Culverts.

Donkey: As they keep going and going, because again The Asylum can’t show people travel in any fucking hurry, we see them crawling through more tunnels.

Milobar: And as they move, they’re listening to dudes screaming in the distance as they die.

Donkey: Who is dying, how, and why? We have no fucking idea. And finally they emerge out into the world. It’s more like a drainage pipe that they’re crawling out of than a full blown culvert, but regardless, it’s still retarded.

Whew! Sorry guys, I forgot that I had mom's famous 'rancid beef and blue cheese stew' last night...guess I shouldn't have been at the front of the line...

Milobar: And now we’re treated to the other thing the The Asylum does best: very poorly edited audio.

Donkey: Immediately our team begins arguing about nothing. Even better: the mic for the scene is clearly taped to someone’s tonsils, creating that extra awesome effect where you can barely make out what they’re saying because it sounds like the speakers on my TV are about to explode, even though the volume is way down.

Milobar: Actually, they weren’t quite arguing about nothing. They were arguing about who caused the earthquake.

Donkey: What fucking earthquake? They didn’t show any earthquake, or even say that one was occurring up to this point. But as this ridiculous conversation is going on, the camera switches over to what is apparently the Heads Up Display of one of the Universal Soldiers, which is obviously something that someone threw together the night before this movie was due for their community college correspondence drama seminar. This ‘display’ looks like someone is scrolling through their iTunes playlist. That’s the best they could fucking do?

The Universal Soldiers must have a genetically enhanced sense of irony, as the only song that they listen to while committing murder is the Bee Gee's classic Stayin' Alive on repeat.

Milobar: It looks like the software that they probably used to edit this shitty movie together with.

Donkey: I prefer to think that they are trying to show us that the Universal Soldiers are picking out the soundtrack that they’re going to kill these people to.

Milobar: I prefer to think The Universal Soldiers aren’t actually genetically modified soldiers. They’re genetically modified DJs.

Donkey: This dialogue is amazing. A random soldier, whom we might as well go ahead and call First Victim, says that he thought he saw something. Another guy in the group, a young loud and cocky soldier that we’ll just refer to as Shouty McSmallballs, tells him to be more specific. So First Victim says, “I thought I FUCKING saw something.” Wow, that is more specific. I totally know what you mean now.

Milobar: As they attempt to determine their location, First Victim says that he recognizes that tree formation. What? Fuck off. Are you kidding me? “We’re in the middle of nowhere, but I’m pretty sure I recognize those trees over there. Yep, that’s definitely where I buried all the hookers.”

Donkey: As they’re babbling out that bullshit, it switches back to the Heads Up Display of the Universal Soldiers and once again, just like in Alien Vs Hunter, the shot makes it look like the super soldier is standing about four feet in front of them. But it’s been thirty seconds, so it’s time for our heroes to start arguing amongst themselves again.

Milobar: Yes! It’s time for our favorite Asylum actor, known lovingly as Champagne Assault Rifle Man, to yell at the dumbass Blonde Army Chick. Seriously, ninety five percent of the dialogue in this movie is people yelling at one another.

Donkey: Not only that, but it’s yelling that doesn’t even make any sense. It might if they bothered to explain anything at all. But they don’t, so it’s just garbled bullshit. And now First Victim, who recognized the trees, wanders off on his own to fulfill his destiny, appropriately into said trees. Boy, I bet nothing bad will happen to this asshole! And the audio odyssey continues at this point, as it now sounds like the dude they had holding the boom mic was standing in a raging river.

Milobar: Suddenly one of the Universal Soldiers sneaks into the scene, hobbling around in the background like a hunchback, and he impales First Victim against a tree.

Donkey: After running up to check out this unpredictable turn of events, our group of heroes begin arguing about what to do with First Victim. Those with half a brain conclude that he’s stapled to the tree through the chest and won’t survive, while others are shouting about taking him to the infirmary. Suddenly the Special Agent Douche of the group pulls out a gun and ends the argument by shooting the dude doing his best impression of a prawn skewer in the head, killing him. And of course, this causes the forty seventh argument of the film. After acting like they’re going to kill him, the others threaten that Secret Agent Douche will answer for that once they’re off the island. What island? What island are they supposed to be on?

Milobar: Universal Soldiers Island. It’s the latest ride at Universal Studios.

Donkey: Suddenly the geek of the group, whom we can cleverly refer to as The Geek, tells them all that they need to come see this.

Milobar: They all run over and see a red marking on a tree.

Donkey: They stand around and stare at this goddamn marking like it’s the second coming of Ted Knight. Relax. It’s a goddamn triangle with a dot in it.

Milobar: “What does it mean?” Nothing.

Donkey: One of the three women, henceforth referred to as Medical Chick, says no, it’s means that they’re learning to write. This is language. How the fuck do you know that? This might just be a marking that one of them made for themselves so that they know that they’ve been there before.

Milobar: A moment later they seem to agree and conclude that this is some kind of mapping symbol.

Donkey: One of them asks if this is marking where they’ve been or where they’re going, and someone else says, “neither”. What? Then what the fuck is it?

Milobar: Where you are right now? Or if it’s not where you’ve been and not where you’re going, is it every other possible location?

Guess who was voted "most likely to shoot his squadmates in the face"?

Donkey: Moments later our group marches off and we see why we refer to our favorite Asylum actor as Champagne Assault Rifle Man. As they’re all marching along, he’s carrying his rifle pointed in the air, and with one hand only carrying it with two fingers, like he’s holding champagne at a goddamn fancy dinner party. That’s insane. There’s no less effective way to carry that goddamn rifle. If they were attacked suddenly, not only would he fire straight into the air, but since he’s barely holding onto that thing, it would probably go flying out of his hands.

Milobar: There’s a higher chance that he’d shoot the people behind him than the enemy in front of him.

Donkey: Our team of heroes is continuing their journey to find The Professor, I think. And as they start yelling at each other some more, once again a Universal Soldier darts by in the background. I love the Universal Soldiers in this movie. They look like middle-aged, somewhat over-weight men in black skin-tight suits with painted pads strapped to them.

Milobar: With their skin painted gray. They look basically like Tobias Funke, except instead of blue body paint, it’s gray.

Donkey: Such vicious killing machines. As they’re arguing once again about where they should go, it’s urged again that they should be going to The Armory. Special Agent Douche then asks why they would go there, since these things are “bred to swallow bullets”. Nobody says anything for a good twenty seconds, until finally Shouty McSmallballs asks if anyone has a better idea. When no one says anything, they just say okay, and move on.

Milobar: Yeah, I’ve got a better idea. ANYTHING ELSE.

Donkey: And as they’re all standing there, still arguing for no reason, The Professor comes running towards them on a road, yelling and screaming like an idiot.

Milobar: He comes running up, drunk on Jagermeister, and our heroes all try to motion for him to shut the hell up. Suddenly Champagne Assault Rifle Man lifts up his rifle and declares that he’s got a clean shot and he’s going to take it.

Donkey: He’s just going to fucking kill him?! Is Champagne Assault Rifle Man in a persistent state of roid rage? Once he finally arrives, we can clearly see this guy is a professor, though. He’s wearing a brown corduroy jacket.

Milobar: I don’t understand why they’re referring to this guy as The Professor. He’s working for the military, developing super soldiers. Technically you’re only a professor if you’re teaching at a University. So I would think the more appropriate term in this case would be Doctor.

Donkey: Or Captain Science. Or The Brown-Jacketed Master of the Universe.

Milobar: Or High Commander Virginity.

Donkey: This conversation with The Professor expands on the current situation, telling us that the government, and Lord knows what government, has created these ultimate killing machines that are loose and trying to kill them all. Why are they loose? Why are they trying to kill them?

Milobar: If they’re the perfect killing machines, why are these people still alive? Why haven’t the Universal Soldiers just killed all of them? Instead they do the same thing that the alien did in Alien Vs Hunter. They just run around in the background chilling out.

Donkey: Our heroes then begin to push The Professor to give them “the code”. The code for what, I have no idea. Instead The Professor just babbles on about how they’re all going to die. And then he goes on to reaffirm how ridiculous the opening credits of this movie really are. He talks about how they made these super soldiers out of “men, men who had served their country”. So again, what was with the goddamn random robot? It wasn’t a Universal Soldier, so if you have the “perfect killing machines”, why would you bother to build a giant robot too?

Milobar: Robot powered Dutch Rudders?

Donkey: After a lot of babbling, The Professor gets stabbed in the head and dragged up into the air. I’m sure we’re supposed to think that was the result of a Universal Soldier attacking again, but I’m going to blame it on illegal immigrants instead. They always steal our best genetically enhanced arbitrary killing jobs!

Milobar: What was that? There were no trees around them, or anything above them for something to pull him up to. They were standing out in the goddamn open.

Donkey: What I love is the the moment he’s dragged into the air, they all start blasting away with their guns in his direction. A few seconds later, he’d dropped to the ground, quite dead, and they all look somewhat surprised by this. You know, assholes, if the stabbing and lifting didn’t kill him, perhaps the hundred bullets you sent in his direction might have. Our heroes all turn and see a forty five year old man being pulled along on a wire as he flails ridiculously in an attempt to make it look like he’s swiftly climbing a tree in the distance.

Milobar: That team of three stout men yanking on a rope are doing good work! Then the Universal Soldier starts soaring towards them like a goddamn flying squirrel.

Donkey: And then runs off like a gorilla. At this point The Geek sees fit to point out that the Universal Soldiers have the have the ability to regenerate and heal their wounds. Really? How did they manage to engineer that?

Milobar: Keep in mind that he didn’t say they have the ability to do either of those things QUICKLY. Technically, all humans have the ability to regenerate and heal their wounds. Otherwise a paper cut on your finger would be a death sentence.

Donkey: And now we come to one of the greatest sequences of the movie. As they’re walking along, just moments after and one can assume only about fifty feet away from where The Professor was killed, Blonde Army Chick gets snagged by a snare and pulled into the air, where she hangs upside down by her foot.

Milobar: The Major quickly cuts her down so that, of course, she won’t be hanging upside down and vulnerable, because obviously if the Universal Soldiers have set a trap, they’re going to come around looking for what they’ve caught in it.

Donkey: As she’s being helped up, Shouty McSmallBalls throws his gun to the ground and freaks out, calling it a useless piece of shit and once again proclaiming that they have to get to The Armory. I don’t really know what prompted that outburst, but from all this talk about it, that must be one sweet armory.

Milobar: They must have tanks, rocket launchers, and power suits with fucking flamethrowers in them. It’s going to be awesome! Once again they begin to argue, and this time the blonde chick suggests that they should be out in the open so that they can see the enemy coming. Shouty McSmallballs then points out, “But then they can see us too!” Yeah, that’s why they call it being out in the open, but thank you for explaining basic physics to me.

Donkey: Shouty McSmallballs argues that instead they should stay in the woods, where they can use stealth. Yes, because this group of shitheads has proven to be the stealthiest motherfuckers on the block so far, trundling around and screaming at each other every chance they get. Who could possibly detect these masters of the shadows?

He doesn't ask to be cut down, because like anyone watching this film, he's begging to be put out of his misery.

Milobar: This great scene continues as they walk forward a few more feet and The Major suddenly gets caught in a similar snare. At first everyone points their guns at him in surprise, and then they just burst out laughing and start to make fun of him. I’m going to pretend you’re a piñata! Hilarious!

Donkey: After a few seconds of Yahoo Serious-level comic gold, the completely unthinkable happens and The Major is suddenly impaled by one of the Universal Soldier’s wooden spears. Seriously, you could not have seen that coming unless you had a set of semi-functioning eyes and cerebral cortex functionality that rivaled a jellyfish with fetal alcohol syndrome.

Milobar: That was exactly why The Major cut down the blonde chick a few minutes ago: this is a goddamn trap. You should probably get out of it quickly, or someone is going to die. But instead he gets killed by a goddamn spear that isn’t even truly a spear. It’s a fucking fence post that’s been whittled down to a point. Do you know how powerful you’d have to be to throw that through someone’s body?

Donkey: But this just gets even better as after freaking out for a few seconds and shooting in the general direction that the spear came from, the team stops and begins yet another goddamn pointless argument without taking so much as a step away from the area. HEY! THEY JUST KILLED THE MAJOR WHERE YOU’RE STANDING! MAYBE MOVE YOUR ASS!

Milobar: WE’RE GOING TO SCREAM AT EACH OTHER SOME MORE! GOT THAT?

Donkey: This just keeps going for about three minutes. That might not sound like it’s very long, but take a moment to sit and look at a clock as you just yell for three straight minutes. Trust me, it’s a lot. But now that Blonde Military Chick has finished yelling in this Lab Assistant Chick’s face, it’s time for Champagne Assault Rifle Man to step up and take his turn. Because the only way to follow up unnecessary screaming is with even more unnecessary screaming.

Milobar: How did they convince anyone to be in this goddamn movie? If I were an actor and somebody brought this script to me and asked me to be in this, I would tell them to fuck off. Even if it was my parents, or someone that had pulled me out of a burning building and the only favor they wanted in return was my appearance in this movie, I would still tell them to fuck off.

Donkey: You’d have an easier time convincing me to appear in a CakeFart video.

Milobar: I’d sooner star in an episode of Manswers or Deadliest Warrior.

Donkey: Our group finally decides to leave. They end up walking on a dirt road, stopping moments later by a corpse that they find, only to begin yet another argument. Fuck, this is PAINFUL.

Milobar: What the hell are they talking about?

Donkey: I have no idea. Every one of these arguments is an outstanding combination where you can’t hear the dialogue and it makes no goddamn sense.

Milobar: They might as well just be reading grocery lists to each other. PEANUT BUTTER! SKIM MILK! FROSTED FLAKES! EGGS!

Donkey: Literally one after the other, every single character starts screaming about some shit that doesn’t make any sense. The corpse might as well get in on that action and add its two cents worth. Finally, once they’re all finished for a moment, the Medical Chick tries to explain why they should be going to The Mainframe instead of The Armory. Fuck, haven’t they had this shouting match several dozen times already?

Milobar: Watching this movie is like getting punched in the balls with a fist wrapped in sandpaper. But not a direct punch in the balls. Just a glancing blow, so that you get the full bite of the sandpaper.

Donkey: Fuck, I can’t believe how terrible this audio is. And it’s not even restricted to when they’re screaming, even though they’re doing that most of the time. It’s when they’re simply talking in a semi-normal speaking voice as well. It’s hard to make out anything.

Milobar: Now they’ve stopped again to take a goddamn smoke break.

Donkey: Apparently this army platoon is unionized.

Milobar: They decide it’s time to sit in a circle and have a heart to heart talk with each other, chatting about why they got into the military.

Donkey: Shouty McSmallballs talks about how he had no choice because he was a fuck up as a kid, Champagne Assault Rifle Man explains that he just wanted to blow shit up without getting arrested, and The Geek chimes in with the fact that he went to Stanford. Of course, the other two immediately tell him to shut the fuck up. Yeah, fuck him for having a brain in his head. It’s much better to be a sociopath.

Suddenly Champagne Assault Rifle Man has someone call out to them on a walkie talkie that he pulled off the corpse they found. Apparently it’s some dude named Hernandez and a bunch of other army douches who are getting killed somewhere else. Naturally, Champagne Assault Rifle Man begins screaming into the walkie talkie so loudly that we can’t hear a thing.

Milobar: Champagne Assault Rifle Man just boots it off into the distance, screaming.

Donkey: Our heroes all take off in pursuit, trying to keep up with this raging cockmonger as he steamrolls to nowhere in particular. You would think that someone in the army wouldn’t be this much of a spaz. If anyone would stop and think before running into a slaughter, you’d think it would be training military personnel.

Milobar: You would think. And where the fuck are they right now? They don’t know where they are, and they have no idea where Hernandez is, so they absolutely have no idea where the fuck they are going. Fuck, they were only three ‘clicks’ from The Armory before. Did they think the fastest way to get there would be to walk in the opposite direction?

Donkey: But now it’s time to stop and have another ball-rattling screaming match about absolutely nothing. And just as things are really taking off, Champagne Assault Rifle Man has decided that he’s heard enough and decides he’s going to shoot this Lab Assistant Chick in the face. What the FUCK?! But before he can commit this awesome murder, everyone else erupts into even more shouting and it breaks down even further.

This whole fucking movie is like someone took a snippet from Aliens where Bill Paxton is freaking out, yelling, “That’s it man…game over man!” and just looped it over and over for a goddamn hour.

In the middle of the argument, Shouty McSmallballs suggests that Lab Assistant Chick and the Blonde Army Chick should start making out. Then Champagne Assault Rifle Man eventually moves on with his murderous rampage and starts threatening to kill The Geek. And this is no less ridiculous a second time.

Milobar: This entire scene degenerates into them all just pushing each other around, screaming in each other’s faces, and calling each other assholes. Why are these people even still trying to work together?

Donkey: The Blonde Army Chick declares that they need to make more weapons. Make weapons? OUT OF WHAT? If your goddamn fully automatic assault rifles aren’t going to do the trick, what exactly are you going to make on your own that could do any better? A fucking nuclear warhead out of three rocks and a particularly large scab?

Milobar: Let me just disassemble my shoes and see what I can come up with.

Donkey: Again they’re saying they have to get to The Armory. Fuck, I’ve heard this about twenty times now. Just move your ass and get there already. But suddenly the Medical Chick is taken out by another stick that comes sailing through the air out of fucking nowhere. The rest of the group immediately starts shooting at nothing, just to show the air who’s boss. Which brings us to another aspect of this movie that makes it second to none: Normally in an Asylum film, they will have people hold their guns in a way so that the ends of the muzzles are out of frame, so that you can’t see that they’re not actually firing anything. Blanks are expensive, you know. In this movie, they don’t even do that much. These guys are just running around with their guns clearly doing NOTHING, while the sound effect of gunfire can be heard. They might as well be pointing them and yelling, “BANG BANG!”

Milobar: And that’s what makes this another true Asylum classic. They can’t be bothered to even try to hide their shitty production value.

Donkey: After sending a hail of mind-bullets through the air, our team separates, running off in different directions. I suppose that’s an improvement over their decision to just stand and argue like they did after the last person died. As we see them stalking their way through sparse trees, The Medical Chick and the Blonde Army Chick, the two surviving women, run into each other.

Milobar: I think Blonde Army Chick is totally going to rape Lab Assistant Chick. But we also see Shouty McSmallballs and The Geek, both standing on opposite sides of the same tree.

Donkey: Realizing that someone is on the other side of the tree, The Geek gets a fist ready and Shouty McSB’s cocks his gun, as they both ready themselves to confront the other. I have a feeling as to who’s going to win this argument.

An Asylum film metaphor: one of them represents the movie and the other common sense. If they meet, someone has to die.

Milobar: They jump out and The Geek punches Shouty in the face, just as Shouty McSmallballs shoots The Geek in the fucking throat with his shotgun. Oops.

Donkey: Just then we switch back to the two women hiding behind a tree when suddenly a Universal Soldier rears up before them. It takes one swing at them, then darts off. Wow. That’s quite the killing machine, alright.

Milobar: It goes back to Shouty and The Dead Geek, and just then Secret Agent Douche walks up to find the fresh corpse. Shouty looks at him and just says, “If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.” Um… you snuck around the same tree, both thinking the other was a Universal Soldier, and you shot him by accident. That doesn’t really seem that unbelievable.

Not really that concerned with a dead geek, Secret Agent Douche looks off into the distance and declares that they have five miles left. What? I thought it was only three ‘clicks’ how the fuck long is a ‘click’ then?

Donkey: The movie eventually goes back to the two women walking together, and the Lab Assistant Chick is suddenly holding what has got to be the biggest fucking pinecone I’ve ever seen in my life.

Milobar: She’s just looking at it, smiling like they’re on a goddamn nature hike.

A pinecone really is a lot more interesting than anything else going on in this movie.

Donkey: This doesn’t even seem like it was in the script, as there’s no mention made of it at all. It’s like this chick just happened upon this giant fucking pinecone and wouldn’t put it down, even after they started filming again.

Milobar: “I wonder if I could put this thing in my vagina?”

Donkey: And now we’re turned back to the group of three remaining men, just wandering through the woods. Fuck, I’m getting flashbacks of Alien Vs Hunter again. It’s like I’m having flashbacks from ‘Nam.

Milobar: I don’t understand how in the same scene, the audio for one dude is cranked to eleven, and for the other dude in the scene, it’s set to negative one.

Donkey: It’s almost as if they attached the mic to one dude’s jacket lapel, so it sounds like he’s screaming and everyone else is whispering.

Milobar: At this point, I wouldn’t doubt if that was the case.

Donkey: So the three remaining men, Secret Agent Douche, Shouty McSmallballs, and Champagne Assault Rifle Man, catch sight of one of the Universal Soldiers, and the Secret Agent Douche explains that these super soldiers were all developed with common traits, but also with specialized individual supers. He explains that the one, apparently named Teleklaus or something ridiculous like that, has the ability to shapeshift. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Just keeping piling it on, boys. Does he also transform into a gun? Did some asshole try to create Megatron?

Milobar: The three of them start talking about what they’re going to do to get out of here when Champagne Assault Rifle Man goes from threatening to kill anyone who isn’t quiet enough to loudly declaring that he’s not leaving anyone behind, even the dead people I’m guessing.

Donkey: Outstanding. It’s like they handed someone with extreme bi-polar disorder a gun and a bucket of Crystal Meth. He goes from extreme valor to “don’t look at me funny or I’ll fucking kill all you bitches” at random. But now the movie returns to the two chicks wandering around by themselves.

Milobar: It’s been a couple of minutes, so it’s time for them to stop and scream in each other’s faces for a while.

Donkey: I’m not even trying to listen to what they’re saying anymore. It’s pointless.

Milobar: Now we switch to the most homo-erotic, ass-rubbing, Dutch Rudder operation that I’ve ever seen.

Donkey: The three remaining men are all walking back to back in a little triangle, appearing to be heading in no particular direction, square dancing their way to Hillbilly Heaven.

I wonder if they've noticed my explosive diarrhea...

Milobar: As they go, the Universal Soldier keep running past them, flashing across the camera in front of them.

Donkey: The great part about this is that they’re not standing in the middle of the deep woods. They’re in a clearing, out in the open. So no matter how fast these super soldiers are running past the camera, these three chumps should be able to see these things running the whole time, from the spot where they came from over to the spot where they end up.

Milobar: They can see it running across their vision, they can’t possibly miss it.

Donkey: Suddenly they turn around and it’s standing right behind them. The Universal Soldier is a courteous foe, however, as he just stands there while they very slowly bring their guns up, take aim for about ten minutes, and try to work as a firing squad.

Milobar: But of course, as they finally start to fire, they discover that they’re all out of ammo at the same time. In an act of desperation, Secret Agent Douche throws some loosely executed martial arts attacks which, as expected, have absolutely no effect.

Donkey: He and the Universal Soldier end up rolling down a hill together. These fucking super soldiers really do suck. First one throws a single punch at a woman and then runs, and now this one’s rolling down a hill with this dude. This seems more like elementary school flirting than any kind of real danger.

Milobar: I don’t know, that’s sounds pretty intimidating to me. If I went rolling down a hill with Secret Agent Douche, I’d be terrified for my life. And now the two of them end up hanging off a cliff.

This looks perfectly reasonable as long as you don't tilt your head slightly to the left.

Donkey: This is The Asylum, however, so hanging off a cliff consists of lying along the ground and them tilting the camera sideways. Look at that shit. That’s just outstanding. The goddamn trees in the scene are either growing out of the ground horizontally, or that AIN’T A FUCKING CLIFF.

Milobar: The shot of them rolling down the hill to get to this point was the same thing. It was just a sideways shot of them somersaulting along the ground.

Donkey: Moments later, Secret Agent Douche gives up hanging from the “cliff” and tumbles to a gentle stop at the grassy bottom, where he sees the opening to a tunnel and a boulder on the hillside just above it. With a single shot from his pistol, which I could have swore was out of ammo just a minute ago, he brings the boulder crashing down and dives into the tunnel just before it’s blocked, leaving the Universal Soldier outside to try to figure out what to do to counter this giant ball of papier-mâché.

Milobar: Perfect timing!

Donkey: The movie goes back to the two women, who are standing by a tree and sharing a tender moment where Lab Assistant Chick is telling the blonde that she’s glad to have her company, when suddenly the tree gets struck by another one of the sharpened fence posts that these Universal Soldiers are throwing around. Wait, this thing was nailing people with those without fail from extreme distances before. Why did it miss now?

Milobar: Fucking hot dogs are more of an ultimate killing machine than these things are. It might take a while, but at least hot dogs are guaranteed to kill you.

Donkey: I’d be more scared of heating my dinner in a fucking plastic container than these damn things at this point. But the movie switches back to Secret Agent Douche, who is crawling through tunnels, apparently trying to get to The Mainframe.

Milobar: They spend the vast majority of this movie arguing about where they should go, to The Armory or to The Mainframe, and when they eventually get to both, you realize that neither was worth going to in the first place.

Donkey: The movie turns back to the two women, who are now taking cover by a log. Suddenly one of the Universal Soldiers grabs the blonde by the head and tosses her.

Milobar: Looks like Shouty McSmallballs and Champagne Assault Rifle Man have finally reached The Armory.

Donkey: Success! But before we can see them load up on what I’m sure will end up being the most glorious instruments of death ever shot on film, we go back to Blonde Army Chick and the Universal Soldier, who are still locked in a life-or-boredom struggle.

No, no. Go ahead and aim. I'll wait.

Milobar: They speed up the film so that it looks like this fight is intense, and ridiculously so. I feel like I’m watching the end of The Ice Pirates again. She finally gets the upper hand and screams, “why won’t you die?” as she’s beating on it. It won’t die because it’s not designed to, lady. They literally said as much earlier.

Donkey: So she defeats this ultimate killing machine by knocking it around until it’s on its ass and then stabbing it with a stick? Seriously, why are these things considered even remotely dangerous?

But now the movie turns back to the two men at The Armory as they open the doors and reveal its grand contents: six handguns hanging on a wall and a row of helmets. That wouldn’t even qualify as an armory in a fucking Latvian slum. And what made this especially ridiculous for us was that the first time we watched this movie, we were in Blombo’s basement. And Blombo’s father happens to be a hunter who owns a lot of guns. So as this ‘armory’ was revealed to us, we were literally sitting next to a rifle cabinet that had more goddamn guns in it that this fucking armory did. The other great thing about this is that they were carrying fully automatic assault rifles in the first place. So this whole time, they’ve been screaming about how their only chance for survival was reaching a place where they could trade those up for some fucking handguns. That’s as retarded as exclaiming that the only way that you’ll ever manage to fight off a clan of ninjas is by trading your katana straight up for a plastic butter knife.

Wait until the rest of them arrive and see that there are less guns here than there are at an American pre-school. This is going to be hilarious!

Milobar: Secret Agent Douche, now inside some sort of secret lab, manages to escape from a Universal Soldier by shooting him. I thought bullets aren’t supposed to defeat these things? They don’t actually show us how he managed to get away anyway, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Donkey: With that random bit of lazy film making over, we now turn back to the two dudes back at The Armory. They hear someone coming, so they pull open the doors and stick their guns out.

Milobar: I love how they stick their guns out, but don’t bother to fire or actually look around the corner. What’s the point of doing that?

Donkey: It’s like they just want to show whoever is approaching that they do, in fact, have guns, but they don’t know how to use them. Well done, boys. Fear not. This will all be over soon and you can go back to waiting tables in East LA. But it’s a moot point, as it turns out to be the two surviving women arriving at their idiotic defensive line, who have managed to finally catch up to them.

Be careful! Mitchell already pooped in there!

Milobar: Secret Agent Douche has located a pod with yet another Universal Soldier in it.

Donkey: That’s the same fucking pod that Mitchell climbed in at the end of Transmorphers to shut down the machines.

Milobar: That most certainly is.

Donkey: It quickly switches to the perspective of the Universal Soldier in the pod for a moment, and we see this one’s name is Skyler. That’s got to be the shittiest name for a killing machine that you could possibly come up with. Fuck, you might as well have called it Rainbow at that point. Secret Agent Douche opens the pod and kills the Universal Soldier by shooting it in the face several times. That’s funny, once again I could have swore that they specifically said that wouldn’t kill them earlier in the film.

Milobar: Yep. These things are supposed to swallow bullets. So it’s a good thing that the other four survivors loaded up at the armory as they prepare to make the dreaded run to The Mainframe.

Donkey: Which looks a lot like a shitty radio tower. And for this scene they decided to change things up a bit, as all of the dialogue is now being drowned out by the fucking wind. Did they film this in a goddamn hurricane?

Milobar: Champagne Assault Rifle Man is running with two goddamn SMG’s, one in each hand, pointed to the sky of course.

Donkey: Suddenly a Universal Solider pops up and nails Shouty McSmallballs in the leg with another pointy stick. Champagne Assault Rifle Man runs up screaming “MAN DOWN!” and the blonde stands around screaming randomly.

Milobar: The absolutely baffling thing about this is that we saw the Universal Soldier pop up out of the grass about six feet away when it attacked. Why is it just sitting back while these people stand around and scream like idiots? Why not kill all of them right now?

Donkey: Considering how easily two of them have been killed now, maybe these Universal Soldiers can’t fight worth a shit, other than throwing sticks from a distance. But now Champagne Assault Rifle Man lights up a smoke and hands it to Shouty, giving him one last thrill before he dies. Well, second to last. He’s going to stick a finger up Shouty’s ass in a moment.

Milobar: He got a spear through the leg, for fuck’s sake. He’s not dying. You could at least try to carry him or something. What happened to not leaving anyone behind?

Donkey: It’s too late for all of that, but at least they’ll get to say a proper good bye as he and Champagne Assault Rifle Man now look like they’re about to make out.

Milobar: I think he’s going to try to swallow his head, like a snake eating a rabbit. “Don’t worry my love, I’ll save you by carrying you in my stomach.”

Donkey: The two of them are speaking quietly to one another, as a tender moment is shared between the two men, but the fucking wind is still drowning the whole thing out. I can’t hear a goddamn word they’re saying.

Milobar: Honestly, I don’t want to hear a word they’re saying.

Donkey: Finally Champagne Assault Rifle Man moves on, leaving Shouty McSmallballs behind as the Universal Soldier comes out to finish the job. For some reason, the Universal Soldier runs past and just pushes the stick slightly further into this guy’s leg. That’s it? But apparently it was enough to push him over the edge, as Shouty takes his gun, puts it under his chin, and does the only intelligent thing that anyone’s done in this entire movie as he blows his goddamn brains out. Of course, the gun doesn’t actually fire and we don’t see his head explode like it should. But whatever. Pantamime will do, I suppose.

Milobar: Champagne Assault Rifle Man once again starts freaking out. He’s running forward, suddenly pulls a 180, shoots five or six bullets out of each of his SMGs, and then he just tosses them away. He doesn’t drop them or throw them out to the sides, he just kinda tosses them up about six inches like a nine year old girl.

Donkey: Wow, I’m glad they made it to The Armory. That single moment was the only thing that its weapons were used for, and that was so worth it. And once again, I love how during those five or six shots of his guns, they don’t bother to use blanks or simulate the guns firing in any way. He finally catches up to the two women, who have already entered the front door of The Mainframe. But just as he makes it inside, closes the door, and turns around, we see that Champagne Assault Rifle Man has taken a stick to the chest like so many before him and is about to die. But before he does, he rips the dog tags from his neck.

Milobar: And then kisses them?

Donkey: Yep. He really is a fucking lunatic. And then Blonde Army Chick, out of either mercy or a genuine sense of satisfaction, shoots him in the back of the head to put him out of his misery. But just then, the blonde feels the barrel of another gun placed on the back of her head and discovers that Lab Assistant Chick has betrayed her. Lab Assistant Chick now reveals that this whole thing was a test that she perpetrated to prove that one of her men was worth fifty of these regular soldiers. I’d say that test was a pretty big fucking failure then, considering two of them were taken out using a stick and a handgun, respectively.

Milobar: But as Lab Assistant Chick is blabbing on, a grate falls down from the ceiling behind her and Secret Agent Douche drops down without her noticing. He takes aim behind her and shoots her in the back of the head.

What?! I can't hear you trying to distract me over the sound of the vent clanging down behind me!

Donkey: Wait, the blonde is standing about four feet directly in front of the evil lab assistant. If she got shot in the back of the head, shouldn’t that bullet have gone through and struck the blonde in the goddamn face?

Milobar: Especially from that distance. But of course now Blonde Army Chick uses her incredible computer hacking skills to break into The Mainframe.

Perhaps they should have programmed these guys to do something with windows other than make funny faces.

Donkey: While that’s going on, one of the Universal Soldiers tries to break down the front door to get in and stop her, while Secret Agent Douche tries to hold it shut.

Milobar: This door has a window that allows us to see through to the face of the Universal Soldier, and this window just happens to not have any glass in it. So in reality, the thing could just reach through and grab the Secret Agent Douche. And it’s very quick, but at one point the Secret Agent actually puts his fingers through where the glass should be by accident.

Donkey: That’s just goddamn awesome. Finally the blonde manages to reactivate The Mainframe, which shuts down the Universal Soldier that was attacking somehow. Not really sure why, as it’s not clear what The Mainframe allowed them to do.

Milobar: Order pizza, I’m guessing. “Hello Pizza Hut? This is The Mainframe. We need some pepperoni, STAT!”

Donkey: So moments later we see the Secret Agent Douche on a phone, calling back to HQ, filing a report and asking for air support to come and lift them off of the island.

Milobar: I don’t understand this. They call for an airlift out. Sure, why not. But then we see them walking down a dirt road to get to the helicopter. Why didn’t the helicopter just come to the building and get them there? Wouldn’t that make more sense?

Donkey: As they’re walking, the Secret Agent Douche stares at her ass and then awkwardly stumbles his way through proposing that he put his penis inside of her.

Milobar: I think he’d prefer to have her penis inside of him.

Donkey: The blonde indicates that she would indeed like to see his predictably unimpressive rod of pleasure, and they start making out. And really, why not? She’s got a vagina, I think, so according to the laws of shitty movies, she should want to have sex with any man who asks with very little motivation as to why.

Milobar: This is almost as awkward as watching Sad Titties in Snakes On A Train. But then, suddenly, Secret Agent Douche gets speared from behind.

So baby, I thought you should know that it's not just the hair on my head that's this greasy. But that's okay because I brought my crab sham-AAAAUUUGGGGHHH!

Donkey: What? Why? Why is this Universal Soldier that walks into view still active?

Milobar: The blonde chick yanks the spear out of the Secret Agent’s chest with one hand and then runs off.

Donkey: Seconds later, she stops to catch her breath and the camera pans over to show the Universal Soldier speed walking in very gradual pursuit.

Milobar: It arrives at the last spot we saw her, which was only ten feet in front of him and then looks around confused, not sure of where she went. It turns out that she climbed into the tree right beside her. But she did this while he was approaching, so there’s no way that he couldn’t have seen exactly where she went.

Donkey: She jumps down and attacks, and a fearsome struggle ensues. Well, fearsome in comparison to those nights where you play-wrestle with your cat. Once again, she stabs it in the chest with the stick and screams the same fucking line, “why won’t you die?” Why the fuck won’t that line die?

Milobar: Now that she’s finished him off, she stumbles down to a lake to clean herself off because she’s covered in blood.

Donkey: Sweet Jesus. That water she using to clean herself off looks like it came from a sewage lagoon.

Milobar: Suddenly we get to see the giant robot from the opening credits, and it’s being activated! Wait, who’s turning this robot on? Uh-oh, she’s in trouble now, robot crotch is one hundred percent activated!

Donkey: In classis Asylum form, they recycle the exact same scene within seconds. They show a monitor that’s displaying all the robot’s parts as they are charging and then switching to enabled. Then it shows this robot rocketing up an elevator. And then for no discernable reason, they show the exact same scene of the monitor and the individual components charging and then becoming enabled again.

The movie switches back to the blonde washing her hair in the nuclear sludge spill site, and the robot walks in from the horizon. We can now see how big this damn thing is, which is just continuing to make it even more ridiculous. Why even bother with super soldiers that can be killed with fucking sharp sticks if you’ve got a robot that’s ten stories high? Just like the end of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, where they spent the entire movie building up Galactus as the ultimate threat that could never be defeated only to have him destroyed rather easily, this movie also nullifies everything that they’ve (very poorly) been trying to do. This robot makes everything else arbitrary and pointless.

Hmmm...I think I'm going to need to find a bigger stick for this one.

Milobar: Now it’s time for stock footage of fighter jets. Oh, Tiny Juggernaut, you sure were earning your money on this one.

Donkey: As the robot pursues the blonde, she runs and screams into a walkie talkie, attempting to send attack orders to the fighter jets.

Milobar: How the fuck is she managing to run faster than a robot that’s ten stories tall? As she frantically scrambles along the countryside, she falls and drops her walkie talkie. Oh no! How can the jets fire on her mark now?

Donkey: As the tension builds, let’s arbitrarily cut to more stock footage of jets. Sweet. Now the blonde manages to make it to what appears to be the island’s power station.

Milobar: Once again we see the jets and they appear to be flying in the desert. Where the hell is the desert around here? No part of this island looked like a goddamn desert before?

Donkey: There’s nothing like using stock footage that doesn’t even fit with the rest of your film. They might as well have spliced in footage of World War II dogfights, or the Wright brothers taking their first flight. Finally the robot catches up to her, making his way into the power station.

Milobar: This is such a gay ending. Not that any of the endings in any Asylum movies are good. Apparently the goddamn robot has lost track of this one blonde woman and thinks she may be in the sky, because it starts looking up. Moments later the robot gets hit with a couple of direct missile blasts that manage to do a net damage of zero. Seeing an opportunity, the blonde chick fires her pistol at the power station and manages to cause an explosion, which electrocutes the robot. I’d love to know where you have to shoot a goddamn power station that will make it explode and fire out electricity like a goddamn Tesla coil.

No! Not electricity! Aside from the love of a small child, that's my only weakness!

Donkey: The robot then begins to burn in a ridiculous fake fire. I’d love to know what they are suggesting is feeding that fire. It’s a goddamn metal skeleton. It’s not like it was carrying big fucking tanks of propane.

Milobar: I think flamingly gay might just count as combustible.

Donkey: Finally feeling safe, we see the blonde waving at…cargo planes? Where the hell did they come from? The movie fades out, and comes back in to show the blonde back at military HQ, as she’s handing in the dog tags of the soldiers who died on the island. When the hell did she gather those up?

Milobar: The movie ends as we see an anonymous hand grabbing the dog tags, taking them up a flight of stairs and dropping them on a table next to a computer, where someone uses them to load each of the personnel files and ominously delete them.

Donkey: Of course, the profile pictures of the people that are coming up on that computer look nothing like the people who actually played the characters, but I guess there’s not really any point in trying at this point. Fuck it…it’s the end of the movie.

Milobar: What a square kick in the goddamn balls this movie is.

Donkey: This was absolute goddamn nonsense, which might be a tie with Alien Vs Hunter when it comes to most confusing plot that I’ve ever witnessed.

Milobar: This movie is almost exactly like Alien Vs Hunter, as both are about people who fight with each other for no apparent reason, wander through the woods and tunnels with no real objective, and are hunted very poorly by idiots in costumes that appear to be cobbled together from the discarded inventory of a inner city thrift store. You could arguably take all the shots of the alien and the hunter in Alien Vs Hunter and just swap them with the shots of the Universal Soldiers in this movie and it would be the same damn thing.

Donkey: I guess that makes sense. After all, if you mash two cornback chocolate rattlers together, you still end up with a handful of shit when all is said and done.

The Verdict:

Donkey: If you’re going to knock off a movie with JCVD in it, you should have chosen the movie Knock Off. The irony alone would have made it awesome. But either way, you’re going to have to pull out all the stops to make it a more glorious shit heap than the original, if that’s even possible. But consider it done, friends, and in spades. It’s a quite simple recipe, actually. Take one part horribly unrelated Terminator cyborg introduction, add a plot that seems to pick up an hour into the story, mix in BLLLLAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH BALLS ON MY FACE WE’VE GOT TO GET TO THE ARMORY AAAAAAARRRRRGGHHHH!!!!, and top it off with a pinch of unnecessary giant robot ending. Now that’s a fucking movie. I give this five champagne assault rifles out of five.

Milobar: Ultimately, this film is an introspective look in to the modern human condition. Will we one day be defeated by our own technology, or will we somehow find stability with our world and our environment? Will we have to choose between heading directly towards our internal Mainframe, or take the time to visit The Armory of our souls? Will we be able to properly master our own perception so that when we are laying horizontally on the ground we will see that we are actually hanging vertically off a cliff? These questions are unsettling, and we may never find a satisfactory answer to them, mostly because this movie is FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I give this movie 58 sharpened fence posts out of 6 handguns in The Armory.

What We Learned:

Donkey: THE ONLY WAY TO ADDRESS ANYONE IN ANY GIVEN SITUATION IS WITH INCESSENT SCREAMING, PREFERABLY WITHIN SIX INCHES OF YOUR COMPANION’S FACE AND WITH BREATH THAT SMELLS LIKE YOU’VE BEEN FRENCH KISSING A TROUT’S ASSHOLE! IT’S COMMON GODDAMN COURTESY!!!!!!!

Milobar: The next time I find myself in a situation where I don’t have anything witty, clever, or even remotely relevant to say, I’m just going to start screaming incoherently. If it works for The Asylum I’m sure it will work for me.

Don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: JCVD once again rocks our world, this time with intense crotch exercises and invicible Coke machines in…DOUBLE TEAM.

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You have to be there to see it? What? Was something equally intelligent like, "It's a movie!" already taken?

Donkey: When I think back to my childhood, there are certain memories that I know will always belong to me alone, locked away in this brain for as long as it continues to function at the most basic level. Granted, that could all change someday, should I happen to be rendered a mental houseplant with a cranial capacity that forces me to trade away reason, memories, and the capacity for rational thought in favor of drooling, staring vacantly, or actually enjoying a Brad Paisley album. But in the meantime, I will treasure those memories as my own. Whether it’s the time I found a ripped up Playboy magazine in an empty field on the way home from grade school and saw a naked woman for the first time, or the first time I took my parents’ car out on my own after getting my driver’s license, and subsequently ran over a small clan of gypsies only to spend the remainder of that evening burying them in that same field. Ah, the circle of life. And until recently, I counted The Ice Pirates as one of those very private memories. My family had rented it a couple of times when it first came out on VHS, but not a single one of them ever remembered what it was about, or ever having watched it. I myself couldn’t remember much about it, apart from knowing for certain that it did, in fact, exist. But that was more than I could say for Blombo or Milobar, as the looks I got when I recommended it for Shitty Movie Night contained a level of vacancy and confusion so deep that I immediately recommended that they audition for a part on The Hills. But rather than keep this gem in the cloudy haze of my early childhood, we decided it was time that we search it out and share in the majesty that was Robert Urich. Goddamn, what a mistake that was.

The Plot:

Donkey: Trying to describe the plot of The Ice Pirates is so stupid that even the movie itself doesn’t bother. Instead, the plot’s description on the back of the DVD cover is riddled with ridiculous puns, hoping that you won’t notice that it only serves to take up space without actually accomplishing anything. It’s no wonder that no one has ever seen this goddamn movie. “Have an ice day”? “The manic, concluding…battle is just the ice-ing on the intergalactic cake”? That’s preposterous and remarkably unclever. “This movie isn’t even worth PIRATING a copy”. See what I just did there? Not so goddamn hard, was it? Game, set, and match, The Ice Pirates DVD.

But despite the fact that the film’s distributor didn’t see fit to do it, I’ll use three sentences to summarize the catastrophe that you’re about to witness through our eyes. In the depths of space, there exists a galaxy that has lost all of it’s water, save one single planet. With the entire galaxy’s water supply under the tight control of evil Templars, one small band of pirates dares to defy the odds and the very laws of physics. Led by one of the true titans of obscurity, Robert Urich, this band of misfits and the Princess that Robert is desperately trying to show his penis to, seek out a lost king and the mythical water planet that he was searching for.

Oh, and there’s herpes. Lots of herpes. Enjoy.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: Sweet, sweet Ice Pirates.

Donkey: Of all the Hollywood movies that we’ve watched for Shitty Movie Night, this one is probably the most obscure.

Milobar: It’s definitely one of the most ridiculous.

Donkey: We kick things off with an introductory paragraph being displayed on the screen that’s also being read by a narrator. I never really understood it when a movie handles their introduction this way. If you want to put some text up on the screen to open your movie, fine. If you want to have a narrator give an opening monologue, cool. But why do both? Why would I read through your paragraph if someone is quite literally reading it for me? And on the other hand, if I’m trying to read through this tripe, it’s very distracting to be forced to hear some asshole slur out the words over top of the ones that are already going through my head.

Milobar: The narrator explains that after the Planetary Wars, the galaxy has gone dry and the Templars have absolute control over the remaining water supply.

Donkey: Really? The entire galaxy? That’s pretty remarkable.

Milobar: The only thing left of value is water because somehow it’s all gone missing. Look, I don’t think you assholes quite understand how these things work. It had to go somewhere.

Donkey: You have to love how this movie offers absolutely no explanation as to how this happened. Just accept it. Now here’s a cookie. Go outside and play. As as small side note, if nothing else, I love this movie just so that when I say, “Robert Urich,” and people say, “Who are you babbling about now?” I can reply, “watch The Ice Pirates and learn, motherfuckers”.

Milobar: This was made during that time in the early 80′s, just after Star Wars, where Sci-Fi movies were all the rage. So of course you’ve gotta have that rogue Han Solo lead character, some robot sidekicks, an intergalactic princess…

Donkey: And abject racism.

This movie is probably their equivalent of looking back at an old high school year book.

Milobar: Definitely racism. And Ron Perlman. I forgot Ron Perlman was in this.

Donkey: Not to mention Anjelica Huston. What the fuck was she doing?

Milobar: The movie starts as the pirates are preparing to attack a water freighter on the edge of a convoy. Of course, as the pirate ship flies onto the screen, there is triumphant music playing. Hurray for our heroes! About to steal water from it’s proper owners!

Donkey: That water was headed to the orphanage on Beta-7. Thanks, pirates! Our heroes land their ship on top of the freighter and prepare for their stealth boarding procedure, which consists of taking a laser cannon and punching a hole into the side of the enemy vessel. I imagine that it probably came down to a coin toss between using that or a giant battering ram.

Milobar: You know these special effects are better than anything I’ve ever seen in any Asylum film, and The Asylum didn’t start making movies until years after this had already faded in to oblivion. After getting his crew of glorified space monkeys to shoot a hole through the hull of the water ship, Robert Urich peeks through. With a visible range of about 2 degrees he comes to the conclusion that no one is around and declares that they’re good. How do you know that you didn’t trigger an alarm? Or there aren’t guards on their way? Or that there just wasn’t anybody walking by at that moment? Fuck it, who cares? Commence using the laser to cut a door sized hole in the side of the ship!

Donkey: It’s the Metal Gear Solid philosophy of espionage rearing it’s ugly head once again: as long as something doesn’t happen within a four foot cone of vision directly in front of any patrolling guards, it must go unnoticed. Hell, it practically never happened.

Milobar: It’s hard to argue with that logic as we experience the movie’s first attempt at comedy, and they make an explosive entrance into what turns out to be the shitter. And of course there’s an alien present shitting exactly the same way a human does.

Donkey: Why the fuck did that thing just sit there this whole time?

Hey, how about a courtesy flush?

Milobar: Someone just spent five minutes cutting a huge fucking door in the wall next to you! I guess it must just be regular scheduled maintenance.

Donkey: In shock at the sudden invasion of its privacy, the alien makes about fourteen consecutive fart sounds. I suppose the movie is trying to suggest that the pirates have literally scared the shit out of this thing. We’re dealing with high-brow comedy here, folks.

Milobar: While doing their best to sneak through the ship’s hallways, the robots that the pirates have brought with them decide to fuck up everyone’s day and start fighting amongst themselves.

Donkey: Naturally. If you’re going to build yourself a small troupe of fighting robots, it’s just a matter of common sense to model them after The Three Stooges. They’ll get shit done and be delightful while doing it. Sure, their antics might be exceptionally annoying and have an extremely high probability of getting you killed, but it will end up being quite heart-warming if you manage to survive long enough. And isn’t that what’s important? After evading the robotic sentry that their squabbling metal fighters had attracted the attention of, a door opens right next to the pirates and they are immediately discovered by an old woman.

Milobar: What? A maid? Why would people in the future wear maid outfits?

Donkey: Looking at this, I would guess strictly for the sake of sexual role play. Grandma here looks like she’s about three washing machine spin cycles away from begging for it. She takes one look at Roscoe, Robert Urich’s black first mate, and starts calling for guards. The gang pushes their way into her room, closes the door behind them, and muzzles her as guards gather on the other side of the door.

Milobar: Fuck, why would these guards use swords? And wear chainmail?

Donkey: I think they’re taking this whole ‘pirate’ theme a little too literally. Just because these guys are committing the act of piracy, that doesn’t mean that everyone in this movie should look like they’re from the eighteenth century. As Roscoe is pretending to be the old white woman and calling off the guards, Jason (played by the sweet Robert Urich) walks into another room and discovers Princess Karina lying in a hyperbaric chamber seemingly filled with dry ice.

Milobar: No, I’m pretty sure that’s just fart gas. She’s been in there a while.

Damn. Somebody already gave this chick a 'baked potato'.

Donkey: What the hell? Were you eating beef burritos, lady? Jason takes the surprisingly bold initiative of opening the stankchamber, risking the chance that he might wake this woman who is clearly sleeping off an asparagus and chili eating contest, then holds two fingers in front of her face. Hey lady, smell my fingers. Does this smell normal to you? Then, thinking no one’s looking, he reaches for the top of her dress…

Milobar: Robert Urich, trying to maintain his title of Greasiest Motherfucker Ever, attempts to sneak a peek at the titties. Seriously, what was the point of that?

Donkey: As they’re about to leave Princess Karina’s quarters and continue with the heist, Roscoe walks up behind one of his own robots that is standing at attention and cuts a wire in the back of its neck. The robot then walks off with a limp. What the hell was the point of that? Did he just really not like that robot?

Milobar: He’s probably just mad that his dad got laid off at the hydrochloric acid processing plant and was replaced by a robot. Fuck, even though this is supposedly a freighter full of ice, the only place this band of morons was able to locate any was in the goddamn engine room. Why would ice be stored in, arguably, the hottest room in the ship?

Donkey: As Jason and his band finally make their way there, it’s not even cold enough that you can see their breath. So it doesn’t appear that they’re even bothering to try to cool this room in any way.

Milobar: Arrggg!! My hand!

Donkey: As he’s pointing Jason in the direction of the sought after ice, Ron Perlman has his hand cut off by an attacking robot. No worries, though. He retrieves it off the ground a moment later, calm as a Hindu cow.

Milobar: Why is there no blood coming out of Ron Perlman’s stump?

Donkey: Apparently the wound was immediately cauterized shut by the inner fires of his white-hot embarrassment. As Jason and his crew are attacked by hostile robots, they send their robots in to fight for them. And of course, even though they seem to spend enough time practicing on each other, their robots fight very badly. This is just so wacky and lovable.

Milobar: But their little midget robot manages to fight back with some barely adequate martial arts skills that mostly involve kicking the other robots in the nads?

Donkey: Repeatedly. Because if you want a robot to feel that kick, you’ve got to really pound on those balls. Sure, I’ll build a robot that has balls, and sure, I’ll make sure those balls are his weak spot. But I’m not going to make those balls hyper-sensitive! I’m not a goddamn moron!

Milobar: Once the fight is over, Jason coaxes one of the robots over to the railing, and then pushes it off. Because hey, fuck robots.

Donkey: Their two remaining robots who witnessed this suddenly snap to attention and march away in an exaggerated orderly fashion, as if frightened by these developments. It’s nice to see that they programmed these robots to somehow feel fear, as well as have an over-developed sense of comedic timing.

Milobar: As the scene switches to the control room, there are gay dudes watching Roller Derby. So in the future they have pirates, chain mail, Roller Derby, and control rooms full of gay dudes. This is what you get America! A future dominated by Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.

Donkey: As the commanding officer and his crew sit around watching the finest entertainment that the late 70′s has to offer, Jason and a few of his pirates sneak in and hold them at gunpoint. Once they’re satisfied that they’ve secured the control room, Jason radios back to the rest of his crew, telling them that they can commence with loading the ice onto their ship.

Milobar: You know, there’s a significant difference in scale between the freighter and the pirates’ ship. The freighter is about a thousand times larger than the pirates’ ship. So they could only get away with about a half of a half of a half of a percent of that cargo at best. It would barely even be noticeable, let alone profitable. You’d lose more to melting and evaporation in that goddamn engine room alone.

Donkey: After a few minutes of awkward chit chat about the princess and a bizarre moment where one of the pirate robots appears to be masturbating next to a captive woman’s face, one of the flight crew gets up the courage to dive for the control panel and hit the emergency alarm button before Jason has a chance to laser up his ass real nice like. And once that happens, all hell breaks loose.

Milobar: Holy shit. Did Robert Urich just deflect a laser with his wristband?

Donkey: He certainly did, as a person tried to shoot him from about three feet away.

Milobar: How fast and accurate do you have to be to deflect a laser with anything, let alone a wristband?

Donkey: You’ve gotta be Robert Urich-fast, baby!

Milobar: Watching them all running back to the ship, something very important just occurred to me: You would have to think that if water is the most valuable resource in the entire galaxy, then these people haven’t showered in a long time.

Donkey: That’s quite astute, and I’m willing to bet that you’re right. Everyone in this movie probably smells like a dead yak’s crotch. As they flee to safety, Jason elects to spilt from the group and meet them back at the ship. You know a man like this can’t pass up the opportunity for some free date rape, especially when it saves him the cost of a roofie. He runs back and grabs the still unconscious princess to take as a trophy.

Milobar: As they escape back through the shitter, they pass the pooping alien again, who is still examining the bump on its head from their last encounter.

Donkey: Why the fuck is that thing still in the shitter? Whether you can remember how you got there in the first place or not, if you wake up in a shitter with your pants down, there is only one universal rule to follow: RUN.

Milobar: Why was that alien even on the ship? Everyone else was either a human or a robot.

Donkey: As the pirates prepare to make their daring escape, the movie cuts to a battleship, closing in on the freighter to investigate the emergency alarms that were set off. Immediately they suspect that they’re dealing with pirates and do the only rational thing possible.

Milobar: Prepare to fire! Now cut to an external shot where they do nothing for thirty seconds.

Donkey: Um, alright. Apparently preparing to fire is about a ten minute process. The pirates blast off and attempt to make the ultimate getaway by playing a game of ‘space chicken’ with the battleship. As the two ships fly at one another, one of the soldiers on the battleship is counting down the seconds remaining until impact, and finally the commander orders that they take evasive action at the two second mark. Of course, some of the most astute viewers of this film probably noticed this for themselves, but IT TAKES MORE THAN TWO SECONDS JUST TO SAY THAT ORDER OUT LOUD, LET ALONE EXECUTE IT. But regardless, they somehow manage to get out of the way in time. Everything seems to be clear sailing from that point, so Jason calmly orders Anjelica Huston to initiate evasive tactics and seems to be visualizing the extremely satisfying shit he’s about to take. BUT WAIT!

Yep, I definitely think they might have found us.

Milobar: “I think they found us!” Really? No shit, you just flew past them! THEY’RE RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND YOU! And as a last ditch effort to get away, the ship breaks into three parts.

Donkey: That was done quite nonchalantly. Say, what do you say we ditch two thirds of the fucking ship? Boy, by any measure of reason, that should have drastic consequences and not be done without careful consideration. But I’m feeling pretty gregarious, so sure, why not? And of course, it works perfectly and they get away! YAY! Tuna salad sandwiches for all! No, not really. It doesn’t work at all. The battleship is unwavering as it follows, attempting to sodomize the pirates’ craft with laser fire. Realizing that their gambit was about as successful as this movie was at the box office, Jason and Roscoe dash for a control panel and start applying countermeasures to hold off the battleship’s incessant attack. What do their countermeasures consist of, you ask? Well since you’re so goddamn nosy, I’ll tell you. Roscoe sits at a control panel and plays what is basically a bastardized version of Space Invaders, where instead of hordes of aliens, he’s trying to shoot the laser fire as it comes streaming down at the ship. All the while, Jason is standing over his shoulder behaving like your mother did when she tried to take some interest in the videogames that you played when you were a kid, pointing and yelling at him to SHOOT THAT ONE! NO, THAT ONE! And as is always the case when you have a nagging, judgemental distraction hovering over your shoulder, Roscoe ends up failing miserably. The moment that this videogame declares “contest over”, a hole is blasted into the side of the pirates’ ship and soldiers begin swarming in.

You don't even want to know what has to happen for them to end up playing Centipede.

Milobar: They rescue the princess and arrest everyone on the ship. Before being taken away, this dude declares that killing Jason and Roscoe’s gang would be too easy. He has something better in mind for them. Who the fuck is this guy?

Donkey: He’s a dude named Zorn, but I prefer to call him by his pet name, the High Chancellor of Balls in Your Mouth. Moments later we see Jason and Roscoe in the holding cells of some kind of prisoner transport, cramped in with a bunch of other greasy thugs, including this bearded chap named Killjoy that explains to them that they have all been sentenced to castration. It makes for great dinner conversation while they all enjoy the meal that has been lazily distributed to them.

Milobar: The thing is, a eunuch was walking around, pouring soup haphazardly into the bowls being held in the outstretched hands of the inmates as he passed. But soup is made primarily out of WATER. That seems like a terribly expensive thing to be feeding prisoners.

Donkey: Yeah, that seems like it would be a delicacy. If anything, I would have thought that they would have been passing out stale bread or some shit. But then, that goes back to how poorly planned this movie’s entire story is. If you have no water, you can’t grow any food. So there shouldn’t be anything to eat at all.

Milobar: Suddenly the prisoners all gather in awe as they approach Mithra, the water planet!

Donkey: Water planet? So this planet, where the Templars come from, is the only source of water in the galaxy. See, that’s fucking insane. If this entire galaxy was without water, and there was one single planet that they used as the source of all their water, that fucking planet would not have water for very long. No fucking water source is infinite, so this is basic supply and demand. A single planet, or even a solar system is one thing, but if an entire galaxy needs water, they’re going to suck that one fucking planet dry real fucking fast.

As their holding cages are unloaded from the ship and carried across a hangar, our heroes catch sight of the princess and her maid walking with Zorn as they pass by. Just then some random fucking dude explains that she’s the daughter of a king/famous explorer who has been missing for three months, after setting out in search of the famed ‘Seventh World’. But little does the princess know, her father was actually killed by the Templars.

Milobar: Thank you, white Candyman. Thank you for explaining everything about the plot of this movie in the span of one minute and thirty seconds. They’re unloaded in what looks like a Crayon producing factory, but is supposed to be the neutering facility, and strapped to a conveyor belt that is slowly taking them to their doom. But first they pass by a couple of dudes using hedge trimmers to make it appear like they’re cutting off everyone’s clothes.

Donkey: There’s absolutely no way that anyone could be good enough with one of those fucking hedge trimmers to cut through their clothes and only their clothes as they pass by on a goddamn conveyor belt. They’re not wearing fucking used tires. The next group of people they pass by lather them up so they can apparently be shaved. What? Why the fuck would you bother shaving them, especially at this point? Can’t that wait until later?

Milobar: There’s nothing quite like a sweet, industrial strength shave.

Donkey: They continue on to the next group, the actual shavers, consisting of an old dude that’s shaking so badly that it appears that he’s the poster child for Parkinson’s disease (which is exactly whom you want coming at you with a straight razor) and another man whom looks like an offensively stereotypical 80′s caricature of a gay man. How fucking random. Moments later, they reach the end of the line and come face to face with a ball-hungry chomping metal jaw. Wait…let’s look at that for a moment in summation. So this castration machine is a conveyor belt at the end of which there is a giant metal jaw that’s supposed to bite their balls off. That’s it? That’s the fucking DUMBEST WAY to carry out castrations that I could possibly think of.

Milobar: That’s a castration machine? I thought it was just supposed to be a metaphor for Robert Urich’s career.

This is the most efficient method of castration you can come up with? Why not just use peanut butter and hungry dogs?

Donkey: But just as the machine is about to feast on their nads, it pulls away and they find themselves still in possession of rather tiny balls. It turns out that the princess has made arrangements to save them. Why? I’m not really sure. She met them for all of seven seconds when they were trying to kidnap her. You wouldn’t think that would be long enough to make an impression, let alone a good one. Regardless, she’s arranged for them to be spared and taken into her employment, providing that they pretend that they’re eunuchs. Jason and Roscoe oblige by talking in really high voices. HILARIOUS!

Milobar: I don’t understand how castration is supposed to somehow make them obedient, robot-esque servants. Fuck, why would you even want a human servant that acts like a robot when you are surrounded by servants that actually are robots? Now that the maid has explained the situation to our boys, we move on to a party scene, featuring ‘future dancing’ and fashion that appears to be a combination of turbans and spandex leotards. ‘Future dancing’ sure is radical, it’s a combination of the dumbest shit you can imagine and apparently the Macarena.

May I have the next awkward set of movements that barely resembles dancing, my lady?

Donkey: But crazy, dysfunctional dancing and fashion that can only be described as a schizophrenic’s miscarriage aren’t the only highlights of this party. A group of people are putting stethoscopes connected to car batteries to their temples and running an electric current into their heads, which is apparently some kind of space drug. And I can surmise this from the fact that they’re quite literally getting high, floating up to the goddamn ceiling. That’s goddamn ridiculous.

No, seriously, what the fuck are YOU looking at?

Jason and Roscoe, fulfilling the obligations of slavery, work Princess Karina’s party as servers, and eventually discover that Killjoy, the same bearded dude from the holding cells on the transport, is hanging around in a suit of armor in a room with a group of robots.

Milobar: Why the fuck does this big dumb guy keep showing up?

Donkey: I have no fucking idea. And why the hell is he hiding here, of all places? But this is just the beginning of the things to come in the next couple of minutes that don’t make any goddamn sense. As soon as they discover Killjoy hanging out with the robots, they are immediately summoned back to the party to speak with Princess Karina. So once again we get a sweet shot of the Solid Bronze Dancers and their dry-heaving lambada.

Milobar: This dancing is just embarrassing. How do you convince people to do this?

Donkey: The Princess explains to her two pirate servants that they’ll be leaving immediately to journey to the Pirate Moon. And just then, Zorn, or the HCOBIYM, asks the Princess to join him for a brief conversation. She hesitates, so for some reason he calls for soldiers to arrest her and the two pirates. Why the fuck is he attempting to have her arrested? Other than perhaps for crimes against fashion, I can’t really think of any possible grounds. But since there are no answers forthcoming, we’ll just move on. Naturally, our heroes bolt out the doors, only to be once again joined by Killjoy. Fuck they just can’t shake this guy. To make a quick getaway, they jump onto a ‘future motorcycle’. As much as I love how much this goddamn motorcycle is just a regular one with shitty sheet metal welded onto it, I’m far more in love with the sound they make as they drive, having totally ripped off the sound effect used for the Lightcycles in Tron.

Milobar: Cue the Benny Hill sketch! Our retarded heroes race off on their space-cycle, dragging Killjoy in his suit of armor along behind them as they’re chased by a future cop car with spikes on the front of it.

Donkey: And of course, for this chase scene they’ve sped up the film speed so that it appears that they’re going really fast, even though they’re just drifting along at the same leisurely pace that a senior citizen’s cart would drift through a shopping mall. Speaking of which, they’re going through a what appears to be some kind of shopping area when suddenly the barrage of tedium gives way to the heartbreaking bizarre, as the pirates’ motorcycle and the cop car that’s following them smash into a family of three robots that are walking through the shopping facility, destroying two of them.

Milobar: Oh. My. God. The one robot left is screaming, “Mommy! Baby! Mommy! Baby!”

Donkey: Fuck that’s disturbing. Jason proves to pilot a motorcycle about as well as a spaceship, as he soon crashes through the front windows of a shop and sends them all sprawling. He and the Princess take off on the motorcycle again while Roscoe and Killjoy end up separated and on foot. As those two are left by the side of the road, wondering how the hell they’re going to get away now that Jason has taken off with the motorcycle, a random robot with a black face comes up and starts talking jive to them.

Milobar: Trying to sell them titties!

Donkey: Wow. The train of cultural sensitivity just keeps on rolling through this movie. That’s some fucking fantastic racism right there. As the movie turns back to Zorn and his soldiers, trying to interview people and figure out where their prey has escaped to, we see that robot still rolling around in the background, crying, “Mommy! Baby!”

Milobar: Just then they turn to see what I think is supposed to be a ship taking off. It turns out to be the Princess and the entire pirate gang making their escape. How did Roscoe and Killjoy meet back up with them on the ship? Ten seconds ago they were with the jive talking robot and now they’re on the ship with everyone else.

Donkey: Now that they’re once again sailing through the cosmos in freedom, Jason and Roscoe are obviously not too receptive to taking orders. But the Princess demands that they still take her to the Pirate Moon, explaining that she intends to use the water onboard to pay for the services of a man named Lanky once they get there. And to make sure that they cooperate, she’s rigged the ship so that if anyone tries to tamper with the water, the ship will self-destruct. How and when did she pull off this hack job? And why would you not just set it up so that it killed the person trying to do the tampering, rather than having the whole ship explode and kill you all?

Milobar: Back in Gaytown, Evil Bad Guy Numbnuts is going through a security checkpoint, where he clambers on to a ‘metal detector of tomorrow’ only to have it go off. He looks at the guard like he’s annoyed, takes out his money purse, and dumps out some coins. Are you fucking kidding me? His entire costume is made out of metal. His fucking change set this thing off? Fuck, a better question: why are they still using gold coins as currency in the future? This movie is so indiscriminately shitty I feel like I need to take a goddamn shower. Zorn then proceeds into an atrium where he finds the leader of the Templars or some shit like that. I don’t even care anymore, this movie makes me want to kill myself. He reports to this old dude that the Princess has escaped on the ship, and that everything is going according to plan. This old bastard that Zorn’s talking to is going to make me puke. Those are some fucked up arthritis hands.

Sir, I hate to say that I told you so, but remember that article I showed you about cracking your knuckles?

Donkey: Although now that we see him up close, we can see that Zorn is doing his best to keep up on the creepy scale with some fucking over-plucked eyebrows. But with that brief escapade into geriatric hell at an end, the movie turns back to our heroes on their ship. Jason is talking to some dude at the port that they’re heading to, when the camera slowly pans over to what looks like a baked potato on the floor that starts to leak out Vasoline. A few seconds later, a worm-like alien creature bursts out of it.

I think I'll be choosing mashed or fries for quite a while after this, thanks.

Milobar: Uh oh. Space herpes!

Donkey: The camera pans up and we see Roscoe is sleeping nearby with his shirt off…

Milobar: …in the ship’s fucking bridge…

Donkey: …with a coat over himself. As he undoubtedly dreams of something that will earn him a little more respect than being in this film, like kicking blind children down a flight of stairs or throwing puppies in front of speeding buses, we see the little alien crawling up on his shoulder. He awakens and reaches back to find the little worm thing, tossing it to the floor as he jumps to his feet in panic.

Milobar: Why is he still wearing that scarf?

Space-aged sleepwear at its gayest.

Donkey: That’s outstanding. He took his shirt off to get some sleep, but not his ascot? After he and Jason find the creature again only to have it escape, Roscoe mentions that he thinks that it came from this one particular cargo bin. After opening it, they check the manifest and see that it was for…space herpes.

Milobar: Okay, so why would that be on the manifest? Why was there a box containing space herpes in the cargo? Who ordered that? Where were they shipping it to?

Donkey: Someone was actually paying them to transport that?

Milobar: After that random sexually transmitted interlude they finally arrive at the Pirate Moon, which appears to be a shitty town where everyone beats the crap out of each other on a regular basis. As they travel along on one of those carts that they use to shuttle old people around airports, we get to see a variety of the local population including an overabundance of midgets. Fucking space midgets. They ruin everything.

Donkey: You can’t have a Sci-Fi without space midgets. And a fucking cantina, of course, as they soon arrive at a place called the Pirates’ Den where they meet up with Anjelica Huston and Ron Perlman. Wait, how did those two manage to either escape or be released when the pirates where arrested earlier in the film? Fuck, nevermind.

Milobar: I guess when the ship split in to three parts these two geniuses didn’t follow the impressive and proper escape plan alpha, otherwise known as: fly straight forward and hope they don’t catch us. Some black dude is sitting in the cantina with a parrot on his shoulder that has been plucked of all it’s feathers. As PETA’s arch nemesis is about to enjoy a meal of live mice, some other dude comes up and motions over towards our Wonder Group, saying, “It’s the cute one and the nigger”.

This makes me want to cry every time I look at it.

Donkey: Realizing that he’s talking TO a black guy at the time, this dude suddenly corrects himself and says, “Oh, I mean the black gentlemen”. Fuck, that’s so random that I’m absolutely stunned. Again with the racism. Sometimes you forget how far we’ve come in the western world until you’re reminded by shit like this. I can’t believe the ridiculous amount of mature content in this movie that otherwise seems like its intended for children.

Milobar: There’s so much shit in this movie that’s goofy, and then there’s some serious fucking shit that’s just completely offensive. It’s like they couldn’t make up their minds what kind of movie they actually wanted to make.

Donkey: Anjelica Huston and Ron Perlman fill Jason and Roscoe in on the current climate of the galaxy, explaining that a bounty has been put on their heads. But Han and Chewy…um, I mean Jason and Roscoe, don’t seem the slightest bit concerned. Anjelica then tells Jason and the Princess that Lanky is hiding out in a place called Sweet Water. When Princess Karina asks Jason where Sweet Water is, he explains that it’s about fifty miles out of town, so they’d need a land craft to get there. And he only knows one person who has one, as he motions over towards a fishman sitting off at another table. Jason goes on to explain this dude works for the city so he can’t be bribed with water, but maybe if the Princess was real nice to him, he’d do them a favor. I believe he’s suggesting that she go blow that fishman.

Milobar: What? Since he works for the city, he can’t be bribed with water? This is the goddamn Pirate Moon. They have a municipal government? That’s it, they’ve finally done it! This movie is so retarded it has officially made me forget how to do long division.

Donkey: Not only that, but a government that can’t be bribed. The fucking government of the Pirate Moon is apparently a beacon of ethics. She goes over to the fishman and it turns out the fishman is actually a fishwoman, who is now looking over to Jason with sexy bedroom fish eyes. Slowly it dawns on Jason that he’ll soon be going down on a carp. But before he does, the Princess finally reveals that the reason that they need to get to this Lanky character is because he apparently knows the whereabouts of her father.

Milobar: Fuck this whole scene. They’re sitting here at this bar, drinking. You know, to distill alcohol, I was under the assumption that you needed water. So if water is your source of income, how much water would you have to pay to get an alcoholic beverage?

Donkey: It’s not only water, but it’s water that’s been processed and turned into something, so you’ve got the extra investment of time and resources. That’s like taking thousand dollar bills and encrusting them with diamonds. That should be a fucking expensive drink. But before this clusterfuck comes to a close the random black guy and his racist companion that we saw taking careful note of this pirate gang earlier come over and ask the Princess if she’d like to dance. Since Jason is over sweet-talking the fishwoman, Anjelica Huston comes to the rescue and tells these chumps to beat it. But of course, random chumps in bars don’t exactly take rejection from any woman very well, so the black leader of the local chapter of the KISS fanclub stands back while his pal, Patty McRacistpants puts on a masterful display of might.

Milobar: Is he just attacking the table?

Donkey: Yep. He manages to cut the wooden table in half with his sword with a mere three swings. That’s sorta-kinda-not-even-close-to-impressive. After a brief and uninspired duel, Anjelica manages to takes this asshole’s head off, and then treats the black KISS fan to the humiliation of having to publicly apologize to the Princess as his featherless bird sinks into an even deeper pit of shame. Slowly the scene fades out and transitions to Jason and the Princess racing across a desert in the fishwoman’s transport.

Milobar: Fuck, now that’s an awesome ‘future car’. Hey, didn’t they say that it was only fifty miles out of town? Couldn’t they have just flown their ship there?

Still not as stupid as the AMC Gremlin.

Donkey: You would think. They’re coming up to Sweet Water, which is marked by a sign that says “Population: 1. Trespassers will be violated.” Not killed, or maimed, or even sent away with hurt feelings. Violated. It’s not often that you see people brave enough to come right out and threaten rape on public signs. Kudos.

Milobar: This Lanky guy is so hardcore. He lives in a series of tents that are ripped to shit. Fuck the elements, I sleep on the ground bitch!

This movie would honestly make more sense if THEY were the pirates.

Donkey: Yes, this Lanky fellow is living in what appears to be a series of progressively less ripped tents. Awesome. That’s going to provide just the cover you need from those pesky sandstorms. But on the plus side, he does have two baby donkeys (my favorite part of this movie, naturally). Finally they meet up with Lanky, who is shooting at gophers with a slingshot. Not a space-age, ‘future slingshot’. Just a regular old, over-the-counter slingshot that you’d get from Wal-Mart.

Milobar: That’s not just a little crazy.

Donkey: Nope, that’s pretty super fucking crazy. As they press Lanky on the location of the Princess Karina’s missing father, again the conversation goes back to the fabled Seventh World. Lanky explains to them that the last time he had seen her father, he was recounting the tale of how he had found it, only to be ambushed by Templars.

Milobar: So this Seventh World is a water planet. But as you mentioned already, if it’s only one planet with water on it, that water isn’t going to last very long if the whole galaxy needs it.

Donkey: Nope. They’ve just thrown that little detail out there without thinking of the consequences. If your entire galaxy is out of water, then the movie better involve your ass finding an entire galaxy of water, not just a planet. Regardless, as Lanky finishes his tale, he looks off into the distance where he sees a car of hoodlums fast approaching.

Milobar: I love this fucking pirate car. Gigantic ten foot wheels and a massive paper mache skull on the front.

We are SO metal!

Donkey: A fucking foam skull that is the most ridiculously cartoonish thing they could possibly add. Seriously, somebody thought to add that to their car with a straight face? Is this a goddamn Gwar video? That doesn’t make these assholes intimidating, it makes them a joke.

Milobar: I’m surprised that they don’t have a giant box on top that they kick over so a balloon can inflate into a giant hand that’s giving the devil horns.

Donkey: Correctly figuring that now would be a good time to get the hell out of Dodge, Jason and the Princess round up Lanky and make a run for the fishwoman’s car. But before they can reach it, these Asspirates of the Caribbean Sands fire their laser cannon and send the woman and her vehicle back up to that great fishmarket in the sky in a grand explosion. Goddamn, I just can’t take this seriously. This fucking vehicle is like a goddamn six year old’s idea of bad ass.

Milobar: If they just stopped the vehicle and the eighteen dudes riding on top of it got out, they could kill these three idiots in about fifteen seconds.

Donkey: The Thunderdome Rejects then fire on our three heroes as they run, searching for an alternate means of escape. And as laser blasts are raining in around them, all of Lankey’s tents are going up in massive explosions. Come on. Laser or not, in order for something to explode like that, you need some kind of goddamn flammable accelerant. So what the fuck does he have in those goddamn tents? Oily rags and kindling? Our three protagonists eventually loop back around and jump in a vehicle that I could swear is the fishlady’s.

Milobar: Wait, didn’t these bounty hunters just blow that thing up a minute ago?

Donkey: I could have swore that was the case myself, and I don’t know what other vehicle this could possibly be. I guess the fishwoman was highly flammable and her car was a fire retardant. They race away with their aggressors in steady pursuit. As the villains pull up close behind them, one of the bounty hunters jumps down onto the heroes’ craft. After grappling rather poorly for a few moments with this Mad Max motherfucker, he and Jason both tumble overboard. Naturally, Jason manages to grab some cable that is inexplicably hanging off the back of their vehicle. Goddamn it. Sand or not, do you know how badly his junk would be destroyed by being dragged behind a vehicle on his stomach?

Milobar: What junk?

Donkey: Jason lets go of the rope and as the bounty hunters’ Styrofoam-skulled monstrosity passes, he grabs part of its tire and does a ridiculous flip into the air. Most people would have their arms ripped squarely out of their sockets, but Frillypants McCracken here manages to somehow toss himself into the air and land squarely on top of the vehicle, where he immediately begins pushing off all the bounty hunters from behind. Once it is down to just him and the leader of this gang of chumguzzlers, Jason leaps off the vehicle to safety just before it runs into what I can only guess are oil drums and explodes. Of course, him leaping to safety from this speeding embarrassment without so much as a scratch just begs the question, why don’t all the others that he booted off the thing moments ago just gather themselves up, march over, and kill him? After all, he kicked the rest of them off as this thing was traveling at the exact same speed, so if he’s okay, shouldn’t they be as well?

Milobar: Jason returns to his two companions to find that Lanky is dying. Let’s get you out of here…HGGGGNNNNN!!! *poop*

Donkey: After Jason attempts to reef the mothefucker up off the ground, Princess Karina tells him that Lanky’s back is broken. Whoops. Thanks for making him a quadriplegic, asshole.

Milobar: Obviously concerned about this guy who might sorta, kinda, almost be his friend, Jason asks Lanky if there’s anything he can do for him. What can you do for me? Let me ask you son, have you ever heard of a ‘Rusty Trombone’ or a ‘Dutch Rudder’?

Donkey: So now that Lanky is dead, with two baby donkeys and pigs in tow, Jason and the Princess simply walk all the way back to their ship. And moments later we see them back onboard with the rest of the crew with nary even a parched throat.

Milobar: Why does Roscoe have an admiral’s jacket on? And why is that robot playing with his robopenis?

Donkey: Even better than his metalicock: the robot is playing with the one screw that apparently holds its entire body together, as once the robot unscrews it, it falls completely apart. Wow. I’m sure glad they included that scene.

Milobar: No! That’s a load bearing screw! For fucks sake, as they take off we see that they landed their goddamn space ship in the middle of the desert. Why didn’t they just fly there in the first place? Okay seriously now, why did they take the pigs and the donkey with them?

Donkey: Really, why not? They’re easily the most handsome characters in this goddamn movie. And now that they’re all safely onboard their ship and flying back through the depths of space, they gather to enjoy a grand feast, in celebration of a job not even close to done.

Milobar: There’s robotic hands hanging from the ceiling and sticking out of the walls, helping people lift and pour things. Fuck, the future is so retarded it almost makes me want to fall asleep watching Turtles in Time again.

Donkey: And as Ron Perlman goes to carve the turkey, out pops the space herpe, giving us the Clark W. Griswold moment of the film. Of course, everyone panics as the space herpe once again manages to get away without incident.

Milobar: Everyone is freaking out and screaming, while the donkeys are just stumbling around in the background, embarrassed to be in this scene.

Donkey: As Jason and Roscoe comically stumble their way through an explanation as to why they haven’t told the rest of the crew about their Cosmic STD, I can’t help but notice that Jason’s got his shirt tied up in the gayest way that I’ve seen outside of a pride parade. What is that?

Does this shirt make my dick look like it should be in your mouth? Probably, huh?

Milobar: He’s definitely a pirate! Now Jason, Roscoe, and the Princess are exploring the surface of some planet. I forget…why are they here?

Donkey: Fuck, I wasn’t listening. I think the Lanky told them that her father was being held here, but I really couldn’t care less. That’s the great thing about shitty movies. If you paid really, really close attention, you could probably figure everything out. Save for some Asylum movies, of course. But they’re just not worth that kind of effort. No matter how much you pan this river of obscurity in search of gold, all you’re ever going to find is nuggets of turd.

Hold still while I paint you onto the side of my van.

Milobar: It’s painful trying to pay attention to this shit. Like why are there Amazonian women riding around on unicorns on this fucking sulphur planet. This shit is insane.

Donkey: Just when I thought this movie couldn’t get any more ridiculous, they pull this rabbit out of their hat and slap me across the face with it. As these women materialize out of the fog, Jason, the Princess, and Roscoe attempt to defend themselves from their attack. But as one of the women rides by, she whips Jason around the throat and drags him behind her fucking unicorn as she races off.

Milobar: Another one of them does the same to the Princess.

Donkey: I don’t think these people quite understand how much it hurts to be whipped in the first place. I can’t be sure, but I would guess that it’s somewhere between taking a dodgeball to the groin and being burned at the stake, not on par with a light slap to the back of the head as the movie seems to be suggesting. But to then have a fucking horse drag you by the throat after that? And they don’t have so much as a mark on their neck afterwards? I’m going to need a whole box of Kleenex to mop the explosion of awesomeness that just hit me in the face. And for some reason, the women see fit to leave Roscoe behind, unscathed. That seems like an odd choice.

Moments later, Jason and the Princess are brought before Bruce Vilanch, who’s playing the flamboyant overlord of these amazons. The Princess demands to see her father and Bruce responds with babbling nonsense before ordering one of his freaky, mannish women to kill Jason. But as she stops flexing long enough to move in to land the killing blow, Roscoe swings down on a rope and, like the proverbial black bowling ball smashing into a bunch of the white pins, knocks Bruce Vilanch and several women to the ground. A struggle quickly ensues, as three or four women instantly pounce on the three heroes. Oh, and Bruce Vilanch’s head falls off. Apparently he’s a robot or some shit. Who could have guessed? Ted McGinley, that’s who.

Milobar: This is the most awkward fight scene I’ve ever witnessed, with this guy rolling around on the floor.

Had this not worked, they would have moved on to their next most fiendish method of torture: gentle teasing.

Donkey: Princess Karina manages to wrestle her way free and put a gun to Bruce’s disembodied head, demanding that everyone stop their playtime antics this instant. Eventually Jason gets up in agreement. Alright girls, better back off. I’ve got space herpes. And now that they’ve got everyone safely subdued, our three heroes move to extract the information they want from Bruce Vilanch. As Roscoe holds the severed head, Bruce mocks them, demanding to know what they’re going to do. In response, Jason puts a feather under his nose, which somehow manages to make Bruce relinquish the location of Princess Karina’s father in exactly four seconds, after only a single sneeze. Isn’t this guy a robot? Would that not be why they’re able to hold his fucking head in their hands? Why the fuck would he be ticklish, let alone to such an extreme that he caves within seconds? Fuck you, Ice Pirates. Now that they’ve been pointed in the direction of the father of the Princess, they race off to discover him alone in a room, only to discover that they’ve come face to face with another robot.

Milobar: Not just any robot. An Omega Robot.

Donkey: Suddenly the movie cuts and they are once again back on their ship. The Princess is still pouting, moaning some shit about, “How could I have thought that thing was my father?” Well, it was a robot that looked exactly like your father. That’s kind of the point, don’t you think? You’re not very bright, are you? While she’s carrying on about this, Roscoe is examining the inside of some robot, looking for stored information. Is that the body of the robot that looked like her father? Or of Bruce Vilanch? We have no fucking idea, but a few seconds later Roscoe says that he found something about a ring, and Princess Karina demands that the disembodied head of Bruce Vilanch tells her where it is. Turns out, it’s in his head. Awesome.

Milobar: So he coughed up this ring that he was hiding in the back of his throat?

Donkey: Yep. And once Bruce spits up her father’s ring, Jason asks what else he’s got in there. Bruce Vilanch says, “Nothing. Care to make a deposit?” Ah, not very subtle gay innuendo. Enjoy, kids.

Milobar: She gets her father’s ring, combines it with her own, blows on it, it starts spinning and then somehow it produces this fucking recorded holographic message?

Donkey: That’s pretty fucking random. So when the dude who wrote this movie sat back and tried to come up with a way to rip off the message that Princess Leia’s left hidden inside a robot for Obi Wan Kenobi, the best he could come up with was a couple of fucking rings? That guy deserves a Lifetime Achievement award in the illustrious category of COMPLETE WASTE THEREOF. I’d love to know how fucking rings are supposed to encode a message, let alone play it back. But again, I just can’t bring myself to care. The recording of her father tells the Princess his coordinates on the Seventh Planet at the center of the galaxy, that she must come there, and that she can’t deviate from a specific path in the slightest or she’d be lost in time forever. How the fuck did he find this place then? If there was no trial and error allowed, how did he manage to be that precise? Fuck it. Set a course for the Seventh Planet!

After deciding to make the harrowing journey, the rest of the crew disbands, leaving Roscoe and Jason alone on the ship’s bridge. Roscoe takes the opportunity to show off his handiwork, having just rebuilt Beauford, the midget robot that has been the only competent one in the film so far. Roscoe explains that he has managed to make him .01 milliseconds faster than the finest Omega Robot ever built. What? Really? This guy is better than the galaxy’s finest engineers?

Milobar: And .01 milliseconds is such a minuscule timeframe that it’s basically not measurable. That’s not really enough of an advantage that it’s worth bragging about.

Donkey: Before leaving, Jason notices that Roscoe painted the robot black and asks why. Roscoe responds that he wanted to make him perfect. Why the fuck would you even notice the color of the robot?

Milobar: The movie cuts to a short time later and we see that once again Jason’s got his shirt tied up in the gayest possible way.

Donkey: Jason arrives at Princess Karina’s room looking sexy as hell, to discover that she has just finished getting a massage from her robot butler. She comments to Jason that she might have overworked the butler, to which Jason responds, “well, there’s a lot of body to rub.” Smooth, cowboy. Isn’t that basically calling her fat? You might want to think before you let garbage like that fly out of your mouth, or you’ll be looking forward to another night of crying and fucking your pillow while she’s wiping fishbones and used diapers off her face.

Milobar: This is another one of my favorite parts of the movie. After some pathetic flirting, it’s clear that Jason and the Princess are about to get it on, and of course there’s a giant TV screen next to her bed. So they put on a tape called Passionate Storm or some shit, which basically shows a massive rainstorm in the middle of the ocean on the giant screen right beside them. It’s supposed to be all sexy, so they start making out. But then something starts spraying them with water like they’re part of the video. Seriously, in a galaxy where water is the most valuable resource, who would waste it on something as extravagant as spraying it on you while you’re having sex?

It's a good thing Jason only lasts about 13 seconds, or this sex would cost a fortune.

Donkey: I would criticize, but I love to be sprayed in gold and diamonds, myself. The Princess, helping Jason disrobe, reaches down and says, “You feel so stiff…your belt, I mean.” What? Really? Ah, horribly transparent sexual suggestion. Enjoy, kids.

Milobar: Pour on the water!

Donkey: I think these two might have a watersports fetish. She says to him, “Shouldn’t you be at the controls?” To which he replies, “If you insist.” And then he appears to go down on her. Fuck, again, who the fuck is this movie targeted at? But once this opulent and far too lengthy scene of bumping handsomes is complete, our team suddenly notices that they’ve got a ship on their tail that’s moving five times faster than any ship they’ve ever seen. This is, of course, because they’re entering the Time Field.

Milobar: But if they’re speeding up, that means you’re speeding up too. So they shouldn’t be gaining on you. Alright THIS is my absolute favorite part of the movie: they’re entering the Time Field. That crazy Benny Hill sketch bullshit is about to start up again. The Templars’ battleship eventually catches up and boards the pirates’ ship. Jason’s crew starts running around and fighting robots and guys in chainmail, as they all get older at a ridiculous rate.

Donkey: At this point, they mention that they’re aging at a rate of a day per every half an hour, but that it’s getting exponentially worse. And to show that time is passing at an incredible rate, they keep speeding up the film randomly so that they appear to almost warp from one point to another.

Milobar: These stupid goddamn pirates keep stopping and having goddamn conversations in the middle of a goddamn attack. How are you doing? Not bad, how about you? Fuck, you’re fighting for your very lives!

Donkey: A life or death struggle is no reason to interrupt some good, civilized discourse. Rules of engagement must give way to the rules of etiquette. As time continues to pass at an exponential rate, our heroes start growing beards. Of course.

Milobar: And the Princess has to go to the washroom because she’s pregnant.

Donkey: As the pirates and their robots continue to fight the horde of Templar soldiers, one of their robots is too scared to go into battle. It’s a fucking robot. I know I’ve brought this up already, but fuck me, why would you program it to be afraid of anything? After much prompting, the robot expels a bunch of oil and random nuts and bolts, which is supposed to be it shitting itself, before it finally goes into the fight. Fuck, that’s just stupid.

After being notified moments later by Bruce Vilanch that he needs to go see the Princess, Jason wanders away from the ongoing battle and ends up taking an epic journey. First he ends up passing by the donkeys and pigs, which are now full grown. He then comes across Princess Karina’s robot butler, which has managed to capture and kill the space herpe. Okay, I guess that was important to see at this point, in case maybe one of the dozens of people who have seen this movie is actually concerned about continuity and tying up loose ends (although that’s presuming that trying to account for continuity in the plot up to this point hasn’t already driven that person thoroughly insane, of course). Finally, he makes it back to the Princess and discovers that she has just rocketed his screaming infant son out of her crotch. In all seriousness, this moment actually seems very true to real life to me. Upon seeing that they’ve had a child, it’s clear that he’s not very happy about it. She’s not very happy about it. Fuck, NOBODY is happy about it. And that, kids, is how most of you come into the world.

Milobar: And then he denies that it’s his and walks away while the Princess watches him leave with hatred filling her eyes.

Donkey: That was the most realistic thirty seconds of this entire film, or possibly any film I’ve ever seen for that matter. For God’s sake. A short time later, the movie returns to the princess and her hellspawn. The Princess tells her son, who is now old enough to be running around on his own, not to bother nanny. The camera then pans over and we see that nanny is a fucking decomposed skeleton sitting in a chair. Goddamn. I can’t handle this continual swing back and forth between the insultingly childish to the offensively mature. And as a brief aside, are you trying to tell me that the old woman who was acting as Princess Karina’s maid was actually named “Nanny”? Really?

I'd probably do the same thing if I were there to witness another Robert Urich entering the world.

Milobar: Now the movie turns back to the crew of pirates who are still fighting the Templar soldiers. Their hair is white, their beards are white. They’re crouching over like decrepit old men. And somehow they’re all overweight. How can they have gained weight when they haven’t eaten anything?

Donkey: And now it’s the beginning of the end. First Ron Perlman drops dead from a heart attack.

Milobar: This is so ridiculous.

Donkey: This is fucking idiotic. Next Killjoy gets stabbed in the back because he’s too old to react.

Milobar: More robots burst in through another wall and Zorn finally shows up, all old and decrepit too. And Roscoe’s got a ridiculously huge afro.

Scientific proof: watching this movie will take years off your life.

Donkey: Just as everything looks like it’s about to end in The Big Sleep for all of our beloved heroes, Jason’s son bursts onto the scene as a full grown man, looking EXACTLY like Jason. Robert Urich really stretched himself here, playing his own son.

Milobar: He looks so much like his dad that he even ties his shirt in the exact same gay manner. And then the scene starts flickering and they’re all on the bridge of the ship again.

Donkey: And just as we wonder where the fuck they’re possibly going with all this crazy bullshit, they travel back to the exact moment that they entered the Time Field. So everything is magically back to the way it was before. FUCK. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! They pulled a Mortal Kombat: Annihilation?

Milobar: They take a moment to explain that the other ship was one degree off the course when they entered the time field, so they’re lost in the time field forever. WE MADE IT! WE’VE REACHED THE SEVENTH PLANET!

Donkey: Which seems to look a lot like Earth. It would be awesome if this movie went on for another half hour or so and showed them landing on that planet in the year 1984.

Milobar: And freeze frame! End of movie!

Donkey: That’s fucking it?!

Milobar: So they made it to the planet and sure, they’ve got this wealth of water now, but look at how insanely hard it was to get there in the first place. How the fuck are they going to get back out and transport that water back and forth? As we know, if they’re off by so much as a degree, they’re lost forever.

Donkey: And as the credits roll, they show freeze frame shots of the movie, like a fucking TV show in the 70′s. I feel like I’m watching the end of CHiPs.

Milobar: Fuck, this is such an amazing movie. I can’t believe I don’t watch it every day.

Donkey: I think I’ll be sending it back into the recesses of my brain now, for the sake of my tender grasp on reality.

The Verdict:

Milobar: Much like a giant coiling steamer, this shit hurts so good. Robots, Spaceships, Pirates, Princesses, Eunuchs? Watching this movie was like peering inside the brain of a recording executive as he tries to imagine exactly how Bittorrent works. The overall premise of this movie makes sense in theory, after all lack of water is a major concern in the developing nations of Earth right now. Of course, their concerns have more to do with free access to CLEAN water, not a mysterious disappearance of every available source. The idea that a civilization in the future has developed laser based weapons, functioning battle robots, and interstellar space travel, but has yet to uncover the ability to purify waste water is ludicrous. We do that shit right now for fucks sake. Oh well, what can you really expect from a bunch of rubberheads running around in chainmail? As a sign that I am getting soft in my old age, and as a concession to everyone I’ve met in recent years who have actually seen this movie, I hereby give The Ice Pirates one Robert Urich out of one Ron Perlman. May they find happiness in each other’s arms.

Donkey: This movie locks you in its handsome, steeled gaze, hoping that you won’t look down and see its shirt tied up inappropriately or the festering rot that’s destroying its withered love pump. The ending of this movie alone could be studied and marveled at for years to come. They enter a Time Field that causes their bodies to age, but their perception of the time that passes isn’t altered (the exact opposite of the widely accepted belief that time is relative). They somehow manage to warp back to a moment in time, somehow reversing the aging that has taken place and even nullifying the fact that most of them had died. And the movie literally ends the moment that they even catch so much as their first glance at their destination. That’s fucking genius. And to top it off, this movie has donkeys. Do you have any idea how rare that is? I therefore give it five cosmic STDs out of five.

What We Learned:

Milobar: Just like the real Herpes, everyone freaks out and runs around screaming the first couple of times they see The Space Herpes, but after a while no one remembers or seems to care that it is running rampant in the bowels of your leaky vessel.

Donkey: Watching this movie again has reminded me that memories can be strange things, and dredging them up can be a lot like hoping to resurrect loved ones by burying them in a pet cemetery. So remembah, sometimes dead is beddah! Oh yeah, and even though time is relative, it still has a definite effect on the state of matter and the rate of its decay. So if ever you’re standing next to someone who wants to play a little prank and wind a clock ahead, punch that asshole square in the face before that little prank causes your body to rapidly age.

Don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Humanity’s last great stand against the onslaught of engineered soldiers specializing in low production values in…UNIVERSAL SOLDIERS.

Back To The Main Page.

I'm willing to give them a mulligan on the 'Alien' on the left, as that's sort of the way it looks in the movie if you've been huffing glue, but that 'Hunter' on the right isn't even close.

Donkey: Like many things in life, expectations can be a blessing or a curse. While providing a standard of quality that some aspire to achieve, they can also act as landmines, waiting to shred those who afford them too little respect into a bitter fondue of failure. After being made into a fairly successful comic book series years before its release, the first Alien Vs Predator movie was the object of a moderate amount of anticipation, and in turn, expectations. While it did quite well at the box office, and was even deemed successful enough to have warranted a sequel, it was heavily criticized and considered by some to be a disappointment. Enter the Asylum and their version, Alien Vs Hunter. This is where the movies that they produce thrive. They have no such constraints, no bars of quality to volley over, as the only people who would possibly be stupid enough to actually anticipate them are the three men involved with this website. And since they bask in this monumental lack of standards, anything short of quite literally lighting your film’s budget on fire and going home with no product to speak of can be considered a success. After witnessing Alien Vs Hunter, however, I honestly think they should have just piled up that cash and struck a match.

The Plot:

Donkey: Fuck me with a rusty tire iron if I know. Honestly, to say that this movie even has a plot is akin to saying that Intelligent Design is in any way, shape, or form actually associated with intelligence. The badly neglected story that this movie throws up onto the screen can only be described in an outline of its most basic terms, as deeper pondering will only result in a psychological form of ‘the bends’ called ‘AVHemorrhaging’, whose symptoms include comas, flash-undergarment-flooding, and permanent paralysis of the lower jaw. So I will attempt to spit this out as fast as possible before succumbing to these depths of despair and smashing my head into the keyboard in front of me:

One sunny morning, an alien arrives on Earth. From where did it come, why did it crash here, and how did it manage to reach US soil without a single government agency noticing? The movie doesn’t really give enough of a shit to tell us, so I suggest that you follow its lead and keep your mind focused on the task at hand. Its ship wipes out near a small town where it soon encounters the local human populace, or more specifically, a combination of their semi-literate journalists and semi-house-trained hillbillies. Immediately upon the alien’s discovery, a vicious cycle of despair begins: a human dies, so they all gather and try to figure out what to do. They explore the woods and someone else dies, so they immediately flee underground. Someone else dies, so they come back up to the woods. Someone else dies, so they go back underground, where someone else dies, so they come back up to the woods. Lather, rinse, repeat. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, the humans discover that an intergalactic hunter has also come to the Earth in pursuit of the alien. However, it spends far more time trying to kill the humans than it does the alien, so the entire premise behind the Alien Vs Hunter title is pretty much traded away faster than a Rolex in the hands of a crack addict. Finally, one of the humans manages to overcome his incredible burden of extreme stupidity and kill the alien. Witnessing this, the hunter fucks off for no foreseeable reason and the town’s decimated population of three people rejoices. And that’s the end of the……..shit……..too late……..everything going dark……..tell your mom I love her…kjnkilasgtfubuosajsgipoooooooooooo…

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: Our third Asylum experience, Alien Vs Hunter.

Donkey: Featuring William Katt, the dude from The Greatest American Hero, playing Lee, the main character.

Milobar: I don’t even know who, or what, the fuck that is. Nor do I care.

Donkey: It was a show in the 80′s that I can’t actually remember a single thing about, save an unpleasantly tight red outfit. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a full episode. I just know it’s his claim to ‘fame’.

Milobar: I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that this movie is his claim to ‘shame’. The movie begins with Lee running up a hill with his iPod on, so he of course doesn’t notice the fireball that goes shooting by behind him to crash nearby. A very poignant commentary on the iPod generation. Who knew an Asylum film could be so deep?

I am woman, hear me roar...

Donkey: I don’t care if that iPod is blasting Iron Maiden’s Run To The Hills at its highest volume level, that’s the kind of shit that you’re going to have to notice. It would be one thing if that was sailing through the sky miles away, off in the distant horizon, but that flaming atrocity ends up crashing not too far away from him. I’m imagining the ground is going to shake a little bit.

Milobar: Fuck that, I’m pretty sure this dude makes a habit out of ignoring attention grabbing catastrophic events since he’s running up the middle of a highway. This motherfucker is so extreme he doesn’t even want to be able to hear the high speed traffic before it slams in to him.

Donkey: Especially since the first vehicle that enters the scene drives up behind him and the dumb ass doesn’t even notice. If that car had come speeding around the corner and didn’t see him there, this might have been a mercifully short film.

Milobar: Even though the vehicle doesn’t have any Police logos or Police lights on it, the guy driving has what could be loosely described as a Police uniform on, so I guess it’s supposed to be a Police cruiser.

Donkey: It’s just a dude in a costume that they obviously rented, riding in an SUV that they convinced someone to bring to the set. Actually, I’m willing to bet that’s how this guy got the part of Sheriff Armstrong. He had a car and he was willing to drive it around in a couple of scenes for free. We hear the sound of sirens as this vehicle approaches, and yet there are no sirens anywhere to be found on that vehicle. Once the sheriff gets his attention, he repeatedly asks Lee to join him, which seems kind of odd. It’s not often that you see cops begging reporters to accompany when they’re on their way to the scene of an incident.

Milobar: “Come on, reporter guy! Come with me and write this story and you’ll get the Pulitzer Prize for sure! I’m a small town sheriff, so you can trust that I’m sitting on the board that decides who to hand out the award to.” But in the end, it’s doughnuts that convince Lee to come along, and he makes an almost believable production of how DELICIOUS THESE DOUGHNUTS LOOK!

Donkey: After driving further up the hill, and I’m imagining avoiding uncomfortable silence by mutually recounting stories about picking up and exposing their penis to hitchhikers, they pull up next to an RV, which appears to be nothing more than an average sized motor-home. But this white trash estate hides a desperate secret.

Milobar: As Lee walks around behind the motor-home, he sees what the fireball was at the beginning of the movie; an alien spaceship that has crashed kind of behind the motor-home. So this average sized motor-home managed to hide this entire alien spaceship.

Look where? Flaming wreckage where? Directly ahead of me? Seriously?

Donkey: That’s pretty impressive when you account for the fact that the alien ship is smoking, with sparks shooting out, and there are exploding noises every few moments.

Milobar: How the hell do you not notice that thing? An alien emerges from the wreckage to attack the cop while Lee flees for his life. The Asylum won’t let you see what’s going on, of course, because they can’t afford any kind of special effects.

Donkey: This is the first time that we see the alien of the Alien Vs Hunter duo, and it looks absolutely glorious. We are treated to blurry, extreme close up shots of the sheriff as he quickly abandons the ‘shoot-this-fucker-in-the-face’ tactic in favor of the much more effective ‘cower-and-whimper’ technique, as he is either eaten or sexually molested by the alien. It’s kind of hard to tell which.

Milobar: While the sheriff is being molesteaten Lee is ducking down in the driver’s seat of the police car and screaming “ooooooooohhhhhhhh!”.

Donkey: I’m not exactly a method actor myself, but this looks more like he’s blowing a load into his pants than like he’s terrified of something.

Milobar: The alien, fearful that William Katt’s inability to act is contagious, quickly disappears.

Donkey: Apparently this alien is considerate enough to not kill reporters. Or he’s decided to discreetly watch one masturbate. Suddenly, Tammy, a random black chick, runs up and bangs on Lee’s window only a few seconds later. How the fuck she got right up to the window like that without seeing the sizable fucking alien that was chewing on the sheriff’s taint a few feet away just seconds ago is beyond logical description, so we just won’t think about that.

Milobar: That’s awesome. The audio in this scene is not dubbed correctly. Tammy’s freaking out at the window of the vehicle and Lee starts spouting off half formed sentences: “You scared me… I was just sitting in my car… ” What? No you weren’t. You were cowering from a goddamn alien that just eatfucked the town sheriff!

Donkey: And it’s not your car either, Greatest American Liar. It’s the cop’s. After a couple of minutes of spitting nonsense at each other, Lee and Tammy escape on foot and we see a severed hand on the hood of the car. I guess that’s supposed to be the sheriff’s hand. Either that or he had one of the most fucked up hood ornaments I’ve ever seen.

Milobar: That whole conversation between the two of them didn’t make any sense at all, much like our choice to watch this piece of shit. And suddenly they’re in a house, which I am going to assume belongs to Lee.

Donkey: So even though the alien was killing someone right in front of them only moments before they decided to go on a little sojourn back to town, they actually managed to somehow escape and make it all the way back here to Lee’s house unscathed? Did they find the lost city of Atlantis or perhaps the body of Jimmy Hoffa along the way? Because that’s just as fucking likely.

Milobar: In an attempt to handle this crisis, Lee starts assembling what appears to be the writing staff of this small town’s newspaper. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? What are they going to do? Throw the weekly jumble at it?

Donkey: While Lee is on the phone in the other room, summoning the Super Friends to their office, Tammy is busy cleaning herself up in the bathroom. She pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of the trash can, which is apparently a rejection letter from a publishing company in response to a pop-up book or some shit that Lee had sent in. Say what you will about character development, but that just doesn’t seem even remotely noteworthy or relevant at this point in time. I can’t see trying to pull myself together in a bathroom, thinking, “fuck…hold it together, Big Shooter…sure, you just witnessed an extra-terrestrial sexual assault, but you’re still cool…oh hey, what’s this random piece of paper in the garbage all about? An unrelated rejection form-letter? Now this is just what I need at this precise moment in time! SHAZAM!”

As the Greatest American Clump of DickTartar finishes his phone call, Tammy joins him and they enter into yet another incredibly baffling and unmotivated argument, where she even goes as far as to call him a miserable failure in life. This seems like it got unnecessarily harsh at an insanely fast rate.

Milobar: Tammy insists she is not going back outside, but when Lee decides to leave on his own, she frantically screams she won’t stay inside without him. What? Make up your goddamn mind.

Perhaps strapping your camera to a pony while walking him around wasn't such a good idea.

Donkey: As Lee and Tammy start the long trek into town to meet at the newspaper office, we’re given a visual feast. The framing in a bunch of these shots is outstanding. Everything above their eyebrows is cut off completely. Sometimes you can’t even see their eyes. You just see from their nose down to their junk. I know I speak for Blombo when I say invest in a tripod, people.

Milobar: In typical Asylum fashion, these characters go from screaming at one another incoherently and hating each other, to acting like best buddies who’ve known each other for years, in about twelve seconds.

Donkey: This is just continuing to solidify the only constant in this movie, as nothing in any of the conversations so far has made any sense. I have no idea what the fuck these people are talking about. Moments later they decide that the best thing to do with a killer alien running around on the loose is to sit down and have a random heart to heart.

Milobar: After sharing some heartfelt stories about their childhood Pog collections, they notice a truck that’s driving past. They excitedly try to get the attention of the driver when suddenly…OH NO! The alien comes out of nowhere and body checks the truck into the woods!

Hey buddy! Can you spare a dollar? I need to buy legs that actually touch the ground!

Donkey: There are so many great things about this scene. But the real beauty is in the way that they put this mess together, making a visual shit heap look even worse. There’s a shot of the back of Lee and Tammy’s heads as they are looking on, trying to flag down the truck. Then there’s a separate shot of the alien darting across the road and attacking the vehicle, and then it cuts to a shot of the Lee and Tammy reacting to what they’re seeing (without being able to see what they’re looking at). Separating out the only part with the special effect so that it’s entirely on its own does two things, neither of which are good. First, it seems very, very low rent not to have the characters in the same scene, clearly showing them and what’s going on at the same time, because at that point you could have inserted anything. You could have stuck in a clip of Chuck Norris combing his beard while simultaneously playing a stand-up bass and killing a terrorist with his feet. It really wouldn’t matter. And second, having the special effect separate like that only serves to highlight it and make you pay particular attention to what you’re seeing, which is not good if it looks like a hot pile of camel dicks.

Milobar: What the fuck? Did they just magically teleport themselves to the newspaper office?

Donkey: So that’s twice now where they’ve been standing out in the goddamn open when the alien has made an appearance and then walked away just fine. But now that all the Super Friends are gathered at the newspaper office, they begin to argue over the matter at hand.

Milobar: Everyone seems to want to go to Valentine’s to use the satellite radio.

Donkey: But they can’t go there because Valentine hates Lee. Who can blame him?

Milobar: The requisite stoner dude seems to be the only character in this movie that isn’t fucking insane, since he’s the only one suggesting that they just leave town. I’ll tell you that’s exactly what I would do. Fuck aliens. Fuck the newspaper office. Fuck this town of inbred yokels. I’m getting on a goddamn motorcycle and getting the hell out of here.

Donkey: They move on to discuss who has died and who might be dead. They keep throwing out a bunch of names like it should mean something, but we have no idea who they’re talking about. What the fuck is going on? And how do they know what’s happened to these people? So far there have only been two sightings of an alien, both made by Lee and Tammy. Yet they keep making it sound like there have been catastrophic events throughout the entire town that have killed most of them. What the fuck are they talking about?

Milobar: When this movie started I would estimate it was supposed to be about 8 am, now it’s maybe 2 pm, so it’s not like a lot of time has passed. What the hell happened in this town and when?

This guy is like the herpes. He'll never truly go away.

Donkey: After arguing in circles with no resolution, the group decides to go as a collective and check out what happened to some dude named Garrison, who’s played by our favorite Asylum actor. Apparently he was the one driving the SUV that was knocked off the road moments ago. It skips to them walking through the woods when they find him just laying on the ground. Fuck, hold on. He was in a goddamn vehicle that had been attacked, he ended up just lying out in the open, and he hasn’t been killed? WHY!? Does the alien just really fucking hate Ford trucks?

Milobar: How the hell did they even find him? Hey you, yeah YOU, the guy we just found passed out on the ground. Where’s Scott? Answer our questions or so help me I’ll beat you into unconsciousness. At this point, I honestly wonder if they had any dialogue in the script or if this is just all ad-libbed.

Donkey: One of the members of the group, a woman named Marcy, takes Lee aside and starts making a lot of ridiculous assumptions. Garrison is alive, therefore Scott must be alive, and Joel, and…WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Milobar: Yes, I’m fairly certain there is someone, somewhere named Joel who is alive. But, fortunately for people named Joel, there’s no Joel anywhere in this movie honey.

Donkey: She then starts insinuating that Lee is making this whole thing about an alien up, complaining that he was the one who called her and woke her up with this crazy story. Really? He woke you up in the middle of the afternoon? How long was this chick sleeping?

Milobar: Apparently she was sleeping off a hard night of booze and roofies.

But seriously, if there is an alien running around in these woods, then let me be yanked away from above and carried off to my death. See? No alien.

Donkey: The alien isn’t without a sense of irony, however, as this Marcy chick gets snatched up right as she’s finished her little speech accusing Lee of fabricating the entire story. She gets pulled into the air randomly, and even though we can’t see what the hell just pulled her up, there are alien sounds in the background so I guess that’s good enough.

Milobar: Everyone scatters in to the woods and they all end up just wandering around, looking up into the branches, waiting for death to descend from above.

Donkey: The movie then shows a shot of the alien, just hanging out behind a tree, waiting for a chance to sell these people some hemp necklaces and filthy ponchos.

Milobar: I don’t understand why this alien is ducking and weaving behind trees. It’s larger than all of these people put together. It could pounce and kill them all instantaneously. None of these people have any weapons and the only thing imposing about them in any way is their lack of acting talent.

Donkey: After wandering around for a few minutes and accomplishing nothing, the Super Friends randomly decide to regroup, combine their powers, and accomplish a whole lot more nothing. Suddenly they turn to discover the alien is exactly two feet behind them.

Milobar: It’s getting ready to rush them and th-I’MA CHARGIN MAH LAZAH!

Ahoy! I need five stout men to work the bellows.

Donkey: Where ever did that laser blast come from? Alas, it’s the first appearance of The hunter.

Milobar: That codpiece is serious business.

Donkey: This metallic humanoid shaped character with a giant mushroom hat is apparently the alien’s nemesis.

Milobar: Whose ‘hunter vision’ basically looks like playing a fucking Virtual Boy.

Donkey: It’s red, very narrow in scope, and very grainy. And now they’re back at the office. WHAT? HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET BACK THERE AGAIN? Now Lee is having another heart to heart, this time with Hilary, whom we will later discover is his dysfunctional love interest, and again we have no fucking idea what they’re talking about.

Milobar: I have no idea who any of these people are, and, at this point, have no intention of finding out.

Donkey: Fuck no. The characters in this movie haven’t even properly introduced themselves, let alone all these other goddamn people that they keep talking about. As they’re all sitting around, Figgus the stoner pipes up and says that he has three ATVs at his house and that they should go and get them. Then another dude says, “I’ve got a Honda”.

Milobar: Okay. Thanks for adding that. A Honda what? Motor boat?

Donkey: It’s an ’89 Civic hatchback. It’ll haul ass through the woods like nothing else.

Milobar: Well I’ve got a Datsun. Great, if we could just convince the alien to get in and drive it somewhere, the problem will take care of itself when it randomly bursts into flames.

Donkey: As they once again begin arguing about what they should do, Garrison suggests that they “have to fortify the compound”. What fucking compound?!

Milobar: Does he mean the newspaper office?

Donkey: But despite all these perfectly reasoned diatribes, Lee is adamant that they have to go to Valentine’s. And we still have no fucking idea who this Valentine is.

Milobar: Garrison insists that they need to get to a working phone so he can call his wife, but refuses to go outside. I wish just one of these morons could make up their goddamn mind. Lee decides on a compromise and they set off for Valentine’s through… the catacombs? Dude, I think this movie just gave me an aneurysm.

AVH Drinking Game: count how many times they walk around the corner with that pipe running down it. You'll be hammered in ten minutes.

Donkey: Where the fuck are they now? In the ancient Egyptian burial chambers under the goddamn office? This is fucking ridiculous.

Milobar: I guess there’s some kind of caverns underneath the town that lead to the local lake. That makes perfect sense! Every town has those.

Donkey: This seems like a pretty fucking big thing to have in a small town. I can’t see any reason why they would have built this shit. And I love how Garrison keeps saying that he’s got to get to a phone to call his wife. Doesn’t that seem like a pretty big presumption, that she’s sitting by a working phone?

Milobar: I’ve got to call my wife to tell her that I forgot to set the TiVo to record Desperate Housewives. She’s gonna kill me!

Donkey: We’re forced to watch these assholes wander through tunnels for ten fucking minutes with nothing happening.

Milobar: Eventually one them notices that the alien is down in the tunnels with them. Maybe if they had taken ten seconds to think this plan through they would have realized being in an enclosed space would severely hamper their ability to avoid alien love.

Donkey: Javier, the proud owner of the Honda, is apparently cornered and killed by the alien a few moments later, while the rest of the characters simply move on without the slightest bit of remorse.

Milobar: But of course we don’t get to see the alien kill anybody. Just a shot of what is supposed to be him eating, or more likely humping, a corpse.

Donkey: This is the best part of this whole scene. We see an overhead shot as they appear to emerge from the underground tunnel system. But for the very next shot, the camera is facing them and you can see that they actually just walked out of a huge drainage culvert that is only about fifteen feet long, as you can clearly see the grass on the other side. So to simulate walking out of a tunnel system, they just walked through an underpass that goes under a goddamn road. THAT’S NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE.

The only way this could be better is if this shot was of them walking out of the front doors of a Safeway.

Milobar: All they had to do was hang a fucking black sheet at the other end of the culvert so that it would look like they came out of a tunnel. But instead we can see that they came from fucking nowhere. This is what makes a great shitty movie folks, they make no apologies for the lack of budget, acting ability, or direction.

Donkey: The movie transitions to show them arriving at Valentine’s house, which is apparently just a goddamn barn. Our group of heroes are about as excited as I would be to go anywhere near a place that looks like this incest factory, as they stand at quite a distance and yell for Valentine’s attention.

Milobar: Valentine appears on the roof and, in typical living in a barn asshat fashion, uses something to reflect sunlight into the eyes of the people standing on the ground for no reason.

Pictured above: a fine mustache using a hillbilly cell phone.

Donkey: As they plead their case for his assistance, Hilary starts listing off a bunch of people who are dead, and we still have no idea who she’s talking about. Valentine’s response? He raises a rifle and shoots in their general direction. Fuck, this guy is sweet. I love hillbillies. Almost as much as I love how he was blinding them not with a mirror, but just a metallic reflective surface. That’s not that goddamn bright.

Milobar: Oh, my eyes! Mild discomfort! This is worse than be eaten by the alien!

Donkey: Valentine eventually lets them in and asks what the issue is, as apparently he’s the only person in this town that doesn’t know that everyone else is dead. As Hilary begins recounting their tale, she says that there’s something out there. Some animal or something.

Milobar: Stoner dude emerges from his self induced haze to state: it’s an alien that crawls on the roof and looks like a spider on steroids.

Donkey: Thank you, Figgus. That’s only the second intelligent comment in the entire film.

Milobar: He’s the only person in this movie that has mentioned what’s going on at all. Everybody else is just running in circles and screaming at each other.

Donkey: They continue to describe the issue and again, they’re talking about people who we’ve never seen or heard from. Seriously, none of these conversations are making any goddamn sense. But just a moment later, the movie turns away from the Super Friends and we see the hunter, strolling around out in the woods.

Milobar: Grumbling to himself, “I know I left my keys around here somewhere…”

Donkey: Now that we get another good look at him, the hunter’s outfit looks like it consists of one of those old-timey diving apparatus and a goddamn mushroom helmet. He kneels down and I’m going to guess somehow manages to look through the ground to the catacombs below, and watches the alien who is still feeding on that dude.

Milobar: The alien sure is going to work on that dude’s crotch.

Is he eating that dude's penis? Or just trying to suck-start his heart through his scrotum?

Donkey: This alien loves the cock.

Milobar: Seriously? The hunter’s gun is basically just some PVC pipe and electrical tape. This movie so goddamn half-ass it’s ridiculous.

Donkey: As the our time with the hunter comes to an end, he looks off into the distance and then disappears. But Donkey, you ask yourself, how does he disappear? First, that’s a pretty odd question to ask yourself. I know that you’re reading this, but I’m not actually a voice in your head. If I was, rest assured that I would be pelting you with subliminal suggestions to go out and buy aviator sunglasses and entire cases of fat free cottage cheese. But to get back to the point, he disappears using the ancient art of basic film editing. One moment here’s there, then after a quick and obvious cut, he’s gone.

With that technical magic unleashed upon the world, the film then shows us that night is approaching with the very standard cinematic scene of the sun setting at an extremely fast rate. And yet it’s clear that it is definitely still daytime when they do all of the external shots that are to follow. They try to make it look like it is night by putting a really, really shitty filter over the camera lens. But there is clearly sunshine and shadows in all the shots.

Milobar: They’ve just washed out every color except blue, trying to make it look like night time.

Witness the dead of the night in an Asylum film, so deep and forboding that you can barely see your way back to the illuminated barn or the sunshine in front of your hands.

Donkey: Fuck, you can see the sunshine in the background. This is clearly fucking daytime! It’s one thing to try a couple of little tricks to see what you can get away with, but this isn’t even close. The movie turns back to the Super Friends as they continue to try to formulate a plan.

Milobar: Valentine’s trying to contact the outside world using Morse code. But even Morse code needs to be transmitted over something. If you don’t have a radio, that signal isn’t going anywhere.

Donkey: As he taps away at his transmission to nowhere, they hear noises coming from outside. Deciding to investigate, Valentine tells his daughter to take over with the messaging, telling her to call TwoFingers and his gang, as they need reinforcements. Wow. A dude named TwoFingers? This just got even more hillbilly.

Milobar: Valentine insists everyone accompany him outside to fight the alien, but of course he’s the only one with a gun.

Donkey: I guess everyone else is just supposed to piss on it. As they come out of the house to investigate, we discover that the alien is near by, as it quickly cuts to ‘alien-vision-cam’. And once again when it switches to the alien perspective, the camera is about a foot in front of their faces, so either the alien is insanely close to them or this is just completely wrong. But the alien’s not the only one trying to peep into the windows to see if he can catch some sad titties.

Milobar: The hunter removes his cloaking field and we see he is hiding in the trees like a sexual predator. Now he’s very slowly raising his gun, pointing it at Valentine, and then out of nowhere the alien attacks the hunter! Who saw that coming?

Donkey: At this point we see that the hunter was only about five feet in front of Valentine at the time. So the movie is not only suggesting that it’s nighttime right now, even though it clearly isn’t, but that the darkness is so thick that these people can’t see more than six inches in front of them. Valentine begins yelling and motioning for everyone to go back into the house. Yeah, no shit.

Milobar: There was no reason for them to come outside in the first place you dumb ass.

Donkey: Valentine stands and just watches the extraterrestrial grappling match, where after struggling to retrieve his gun, the hunter begins shooting at the alien. It makes it look like the alien is scooting out of the way as the hunter fires, but they couldn’t be bothered to animate much movement for its legs, so it looks like it’s just sliding along the ground. Or like a completely fake and uselessly inanimate object that has no business in any film that wasn’t shot on a cell phone. Either way.

Stand still! If I just keep firing at random, logic dictates that I'll hit you eventually!

Milobar: Fuck, the hunter didn’t even aim at the alien. He just pointed his gun on an angle and started shooting repeatedly. After the alien legs it, the hunter and Valentine decide to do a little bit of the Truffle Shuffle. Somehow Valentine manages to get behind and club the hunter with the butt of his gun.

Donkey: And as is usually the case when someone tries to punch out another person who’s wearing full metal armor using anything less than a freight train, Valentine’s attack is shrugged off and he ends up getting bitch slapped. The movie takes a moment to cut away from this playground shin kicking to show us the rest of the Super Friends, as the Greatest American Zero leads them to some escape route in Valentine’s floor that I’m not sure how he’d know even existed. So once again they end up underground in some kind of fucking cave system. But now that this is established, the movie goes right back to the main event.

Milobar: Valentine, laying on the ground staring up at the barrel of the hunter’s gun appears to be doomed, until he does a roll move and comes up… swinging on a rope? Firing an assault rifle? In what goddamn dimension does that make ANY FUCKING SENSE? And then of course they show us the same three shooting/dodging/rolling scenes to stretch the ‘action’ sequence out a bit.

Donkey: This movie should win a fucking award for going green, with all the goddamn recycling that it’s doing. Valentine then rolls into a hole and covers himself up with a tarp. Damn, this guy’s got madd skillz. What a superior warrior the hunter is dealing with here.

Milobar: This movie makes me feel about as smart as someone who works at Arby’s. The hunter isn’t just a dumb animal. He watched Valentine roll into that hole in the ground and cover himself. He should know where the fuck he is!

Donkey: Now that this fight has come to a baffling conclusion, the movie once again turns to everyone else, as they’re still crawling through the same dirt caverns under Valentine’s house. And once again, this is completely uninteresting.

Milobar: Eventually they end up in the massive underground catacombs again.

Donkey: How the fuck did they end up here? And again it’s time to sit through more extended scenes of them trudging through tunnels, with nothing happening.

Milobar: Until! Excitement! Valentine reappears!

Donkey: Once Commander CousinRaper makes his triumphant return, fresh from being thoroughly over-matched in every way, our team stands dumbfounded, waiting for him to tell them what to do next. Valentine explains that there’s an aqueduct that takes them to the main line that in turn leads them right to the power station. Wait, why do they want to go there? What the fuck is happening? But I guess I’m the only one asking any questions, because our group simply falls into line and follows without hesitation. But as they try to make their way down the tunnels, they run into a problem.

Milobar: A ‘wall of dirt’ is supposedly blocking the tunnel.

Donkey: And now that we’ve come to another point in the movie that requires a special effect, let’s take a moment to guess how they manage to fuck this one up before I go ahead and tell you. Ask yourself this question: if your movie had no budget whatsoever and you were required to create a wall of dirt, what would you do? If you answered “just film a close up of the ground,” then congratulations, you need to put a gun in your mouth and get ready to kiss the puckered anus of oblivion, because you think the same way as the Asylum special effects team. Just in case you missed that, I’m going to repeat it one more time: THEY FILMED THE FUCKING GROUND.

Eat your heart out, Pink Floyd. Now this is THE WALL.

Milobar: Well, Lee reaches forward, but when they show the shot of him brushing away some of the dirt, it just kinda moves to the left a bit and stays there.

Donkey: This is supposed to be a wall. A VERTICAL wall. So if you brush away dirt, IT SHOULD FALL. It’s a little thing we call gravity.

Milobar: Apparently gravity wasn’t in the budget for this movie.

Donkey: Once Lee brushes away about a three inch area of dirt, or just enough of an area to not be able to see anything clearly, they somehow find Tammy’s mother in that wall, so she starts freaking out. Or at least I think that’s why she’s freaking out. Maybe she’s just having the natural physiological reaction that any human being would experience once they truly come to realize that they’re in an Asylum film.

Milobar: Who the fuck cares? It could be Amy, or Joel, or Jacob, or one of the other million people that they’ve mentioned in this movie without explaining who the fuck they are.

Donkey: It actually wouldn’t catch me off guard in the slightest at this point if they had brushed away the dirt and found Jim Belushi for no apparent reason.

Milobar: Meanwhile the hunter is just running around aimlessly in the woods. And once again we get to see people emerging from a goddamn drainage pipe.

Donkey: Fuck, having to witness this the first time was like getting beaten with a sledgehammer. Having to see it a second time is like getting that same beating twice, followed up by being forced to watch a King Of The Hill marathon. Lee and Hilary stop with Valentine, seeing him off as they prepare to go their separate ways.

Milobar: If anything should happen in this ten foot long section of culvert, here’s a gun.

Donkey: You know, I don’t want to tell the crazed militia-leading product of cousin-fucking here how to do his job, but it might have been useful to have given other people a gun before now. I’m not sure, but that might have helped.

Milobar: Valentine’s not coming back? From where? Where the fuck is he going? What the fuck is he talking about?

Donkey: Watching Valentine caress his rifle like a most tender lover, Lee decides he wants a piece of that action and declares that he’s going to accompany Valentine into battle. Or on the quest to find the closest IHOP, whichever it is that he’s about to do. With Valentine an uncomfortably close distance from the two of them, Hilary then engages Lee in yet another conversation that doesn’t make any goddamn sense. At first she’s telling him not to be stupid, that it’s not his fight. Then she seems to be struggling, trying to tell him that she loves him. Suddenly kisses him on the forehead, slaps him, calls him a pervert, and says, “don’t look at those.” WHAT?! What the fuck is going on?

Milobar: I think they just fed a piece of paper into a typewriter, mashed down on the keys with their feet, and whatever came out was their script.

Donkey: I’m actually coming to believe that they held a contest where they asked the general public to submit scripts, then took a single page from each one just so that they didn’t have to pay anybody, mashed them all together, and this is what they came up with. Anyways, with Hilary turning back to meet up with the rest of the Super Friends that they left wandering in the tunnels, the two men set forth to engage in what will undoubtedly be a one-sided slaughter. And as they walk out of that goddamn underpass, they emerge into the daylight. So the movie is therefore suggesting that THEY WERE IN THE TUNNELS ALL GODDAMN NIGHT?

Milobar: Just wandering around, looking for a good sushi joint.

Donkey: There is no way that they spent an entire fucking night in there. But speaking of pointless sauntering, the movie then turns back to the others, whom of course are still wandering through goddamn tunnels. There’s no point to this scene as nothing even remotely interesting happens, but the movie is kind enough to remind you in case you’d forgotten. With that out of the way, we turn back to Lee and Valentine as they make contact with the rogue hillbilly militia.

Milobar: TwoFingers and the Merry Cornholers.

Donkey: TwoFingers explains to Valentine whom they’ve managed to gather and where they’re positioned. Valentine notices that someone named Boo Boo is apparently absent. According to TwoFingers, that asshole couldn’t make it since he had to pick up his kids at school while his wife is visiting her sister. Valentine is disgusted at the news. What, a man having to actually do something for his kids?! That’s bullshit, right there.

Milobar: A man should have as much time as he wants to go out into the woods and shoot his gun at things.

Donkey: TwoFingers asks Valentine what they’re hunting today, and Valentine tells him aliens. TwoFingers scoffs and says that it’s people like Valentine who give militias a bad name. No asshole, it’s militias that give militias a bad name.

Milobar: Or it could be the gonorrhea.

Donkey: These guys are a perfect example of why militias are goddamn clownshoes. It’s a bunch of fifth grade drop outs wandering around with guns while chugging beer. With that introduction complete, it’s now time to make our mandatory return to the people who are still wandering through tunnels.

Milobar: Garrison is being stalked by the alien. Goddamn it, all they do to simulate the alien’s vision is film the person standing out in the open and then show the same person in the exact same shot, just with a shitty filter. They could have at least switched to a different camera.

Donkey: Yeah, one that isn’t six inches from the characters face.

Milobar: After becoming separated from the rest of the group Garrison decides the best course of action is yelling at the top of his lungs. Fuck! They’ve shown people step around this same corner at least eight times already.

Donkey: They’ve spent more than half of this goddamn movie in tunnels, showing the characters moving along one painfully drawn out step at a time. I know you want to pad your film so that it’s not thirty minutes long, but fuck, can’t we speed this up at all?

Milobar: Oh boy, here’s what I’ve been waiting to see: hot mamma taking her shirt off.

Donkey: As Hilary begins stripping down to deal with the heat, she pauses and asks the rest of the group, “Do you hear that?” Hear what?

Milobar: Honey, this is an Asylum movie. We can’t hear shit.

Donkey: We can barely hear you talking, for Christ’s sake. But now they show us another quick shot of the Hunter ducking down and looking through the ground to see the alien who is still chewing on the same dude’s crotch. Fuck, I think that’s the same shot we saw earlier of that too. Does that mean that the alien went all the way back to eating that same fucking body as it was before, and the hunter is now back over top of it again? But before we think about this too much and get stuck in some kind of fucked up wormhole time continuum, it cuts back to Valentine and his squad roaming the hillside.

Milobar: The movie has inexplicably come full circle, back to the cop car parked by the motor-home that’s blocking the alien spaceship from view.

Donkey: It’s nice to see the bloody hand is still on the hood of the cop car and not one imbecile in this militia takes notice or finds that the slightest bit bizarre. Instead they wander past and come to a random house.

Little known fact: the RV is nature's camouflage, capable of cloaking objects 20 times its size, and the shame of its owners.

Milobar: The house is up on a hill, where they look down and see the cop car, the motor-home, and the alien ship. They can now clearly see that the alien ship is enormously bigger than the motor-home. I once again ask how the fuck they didn’t see that at the beginning of the movie? As the militia monkeys continue on their journey our friends in the catacombs have suddenly realized that Garrison is missing.

Donkey: As the rest of them begin searching the immediate five feet around them, just in case he’s playing hide-and-go-fuck-yourself in one of their shadows, it cuts back to Garrison and shows him walking around that exact same corner again.

Milobar: I swear there are only three hallways that make up this entire set. They just keep shooting them from different angles.

Donkey: Three hallways and a goddamn culvert.

Milobar: That’s a sweet budget. That’s some serious bling bling!

Donkey: Garrison is wandering slowly with a flashlight. You know, that thing could have probably come in handy a long time ago. Like when they were outside trying to fight the alien in the fucking dark.

Milobar: Or in the blue filter, to be more exact. Hey, is that alien poop?

Donkey: I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to be. As he’s stumbling around like a confused senior citizen, Garrison drops his flashlight into a pool of light colored mud that I guess could be shit.

Milobar: Since Garrison is two hundred feet underground it’s the perfect time for his phone to ring. He answers it and tells his wife that he loves her, and not to leave the house. And then we can’t hear the rest because of the typical shitty sound quality.

Donkey: At the end of his mumbled conversation, Garrison screams at the top of his lungs into his phone, telling his wife that he loves her. Fuck, easy there, asshole. I’ve got the phone right by my ear here, and unlike your stupid ass, I’m not hanging around in a goddamn tunnel. No need to yell like that.

Milobar: Could this go on any longer? It’s worse than watching Lord Of The Rings. I feel like we’ve spent nine hours walking just to throw this asshole into a volcano.

Donkey: Finally, the alien gets around to attacking and Mr. Garrison is dead. We can only hope that Ms. Chokesondick will now step in as a substitute.

Milobar: Fuck, this movie is putting me to sleep.

Donkey: The movie goes back to the rest of the Super Friends in the tunnels, and we see them walking around the same fucking corner AGAIN.

Milobar: As they exit out of the tunnels, FINALLY, into a big room with steam everywhere, we are treated to one of the finest lines ever uttered on film:

Tammy: “Guys, we’re in their ship and that totally sucks.”

Donkey: What? Seriously? What an amazing coincidence. That’s exactly what I would say if I suspected I was on an alien craft. Providing that I had a full frontal lobotomy first, of course.

Milobar: My first comment would be, “I wonder where they keep all the freaky alien porn.”

Donkey: Our bellows of laughter soon fade back into gentle sobbing and the film returns to the drunken militia, wandering through the woods. I don’t know what they’re even trying to accomplish here.

Milobar: Are they even trying to accomplish anything?

Donkey: I think they’ve actually given up on whatever primary goal they had before and have gone back to searching for illegal Mexican immigrants. They wander up and find a severed hand holding a walkie talkie. Was that supposed to belong to a member of their group? If so, WHO?? But it doesn’t really matter as they look up into the trees and find the alien there, just chilling out.

Milobar: And now in another great Asylum tradition, they are shooting their guns, but with the barrels off screen so that they don’t have to actually simulate gunfire.

Donkey: This is fucking ridiculous.

Milobar: At least Transmorphers, while confusing the goddamn shit out of me, had scenes that moved on from one to the next.

Donkey: Yes, at least it moved on in a linear fashion so that you were left with the impression that while shitty, it was at least telling some kind of story.

Milobar: This is like they just rolled some fucking dice and, oh a six, let’s throw that scene in. Then, oh a three! It’s like the writers had a Yahtzee tournament one afternoon and the script was made! Fuck, and now this guy has a bazooka?

Donkey: One of the drunken militia dudes, apparently named Marty, gets shot by the hunter and his goddamn laser. So is the hunter hunting the alien, the hillbillies, or because of the shitty visor on his helmet is he just shooting at anything that moves?

Milobar: My vote is anything that moves. I’m surprised he’s not shooting at the wind.

Donkey: Fuck, and again we can’t hear the dialogue.

Milobar: Back to the people in the ship, and they find another one of the hunter’s guns. More PVC pipe and tape.

Donkey: As their search for the stash of alien dongs continues, they go into another room and apparently find the body of another alien lying on a slab. One of them asks if it’s dead. Do you really want to take that chance? I’ll tell you what, Baby Einstein, maybe you shouldn’t stick around to find out.

Milobar: Or perhaps you should unload a couple of rounds into it from that space rifle that you found to be sure.

Donkey: The group now concludes that the hunter is, in fact, a hunter who is here on safari, stalking these aliens. It’s just a game to him. What? How? How do they have anywhere near enough information to reach that conclusion?

Milobar: It’s time for us to argue now, because we’ve been wandering around doing nothing for too long. In celebration of our argument let’s try to rip the alien apart! What? Why?

Donkey: Again, none of the camera shots show what they’re doing. They’re straining to do something, but we don’t know what.

Milobar: I’m gonna go with alien rape.

Donkey: The movie turns back to the militia as they continue to try to take on the alien and/or hunter.

Milobar: One of the militia dudes supposedly gets lifted off his feet, but we can’t see by what since nothing actually is.

Donkey: They proceed to unload their guns into the hunter, which does nothing, and then try to beat this piss out of him themselves. Valentine throws a bear hug around the hunter from behind. What the fuck was that supposed to accomplish?

Milobar: What kind of a Benny Hill routine is this bullshit?

Donkey: TwoFingers, showing a remarkable ability to learn fucking nothing by ignoring what happened only moments ago to the people who tried to do the exact same thing, runs up and starts unloading his rifle into the hunter’s face. The hunter plays with something on his wrist and proceeds to become invisible. This time instead of editing him out, they make him “invisible” by showing a quick flash and then turning the camera suddenly so that the hunter is out of frame. Fuck me. Seriously? So did the hunter become invisible, or just have a remote control for the camera on his wrist? But just as the hunter decides to exit the scene, the alien swoops in to clean up, attacking the random militia guy that was pulled into the air and dropped a moment ago.

Milobar: Lee tries to come to the rescue as he runs up and fires his gun. But as he fires, the special effect of the muzzle flash unsurprisingly doesn’t match up with the recoil of his gun.

Donkey: Valentine then tries to take on the alien in hand-to-hand combat.

Milobar: And very poorly, because only moments later, he’s dead.

Donkey: For some reason the alien then bolts off like he’s late for a formal dinner with Pee Wee Herman, rather than sticking around to finish off the only two humans who are left alive: TwoFingers and Lee. Everyone else is dead, so why not finish the goddamn job? Not bothering to question their luck, TwoFingers calmly turns to the Greatest American Failure and says, “let’s go.” Where?

Milobar: We need to get to the arcade!

Donkey: We’ll play some Pit Fighter. I get to be Buzz.

Milobar: Or perhaps some Mortal Kombat 3.

Donkey: Fuck, if that’s the case then I want to play as the shitty mall cop.

Milobar: Everyone wants to play as the shitty mall cop.

Donkey: Now the movie turns back to the small band of idiots hiding on the hunter’s ship. As the hunter returns and boards his craft, all of them duck behind a small box that isn’t even big enough to hide one of them, let alone all of them. Whew. That was close. It’s a good thing he didn’t turn his head slightly. Now it goes back to Lee and TwoFingers and they’re arguing over what to do next. Lee is saying that they need to call the military, while TwoFingers is saying fuck that, we don’t need no military. Yeah, because you’re doing a bang up job on your own so far, asshole. And now they start talking about people again and I have no idea who they’re talking about. Lee is telling TwoFingers that he can’t just leave because of…Freckles?

Milobar: Who the fuck is Freckles?

Donkey: Fuck, every scene that focuses on someone talking makes NO SENSE. This fucking movie DARES YOU to try to keep up.

Milobar: You couldn’t make a movie that makes this little sense if you tried. This movie is like a slap in the dink from an eighty five year old Korean woman with a hand covered in acid, razor blades, and Nair hair remover.

Donkey: And now TwoFingers and the Greatest American CumDumpster run across the rest of the Super Friends in the woods, just randomly for no apparent reason.

Milobar: Oh, and to answer my own question, Freckles is apparently Valentine’s daughter, although I don’t remember ever having heard her name before.

Donkey: Now that everyone is back together, they’re all shattered to hear that Valentine is dead. I can see why. He was a pretty lovable guy.

Milobar: If these dumb motherfuckers had just listened to Figgus in the first place and left the city, they’d all be safe. This movie is like taking a goddamn Shakespearean play and feeding it into an online translator, translating it into Chinese, then from Chinese to Russian, from Russian to German, from German to Japanese, and then from Japanese back to English.

Donkey: And then having a three year old try to read that English back to you.

Milobar: There’s a few words in there, some of them form sequences that could almost be sentences, but as for what the fuck they’re actually talking about, you couldn’t possibly guess.

Wait. Are they discussing how they’re going to trap the alien in a quarry, or a big open field? How exactly do you trap something IN THE OPEN? Fuck, why not just tie him up with some magical green puke rope?

Donkey: I honestly have no idea what’s going on at this point.

Milobar: Fucking insanity. That’s what’s going on. Lee and Hilary are discussing the hunter’s gun and what it’s made out of. What the fuck? How would either of you know anything about guns from outer space and what they’re made out of?

Even worse than realizing that an alien is about to kill you is knowing that he'll be using those bungee cables to strap you to the roof of his ship later.

Donkey: Suddenly Figgus lets out a yelp as he’s dragged and then held tight against a tree by bungee cables. Just regular old bungee cables. Not fancy, space-aged alien straps. Just fucking Home Depot bungee cables. As he struggles with his bonds, he’s impaled in the chest by a stick. Not a spear. A stick.

Milobar: TwoFingers rushes in to be killed by the hunter, although all we see is a flash and him falling to the ground. So I guess the hunter shot him.

Donkey: And now the alien has arrived, so we’ve got everybody at this shitty party.

Milobar: And they just used the same shot of the alien moving through the trees that they’ve shown about a dozen times already.

Donkey: To save few members of the group left alive, the Greatest American MonkeyTesticle tries to lure the alien over to him. Once he gets its attention, he rolls underneath netting that was covering a hole and hides just out of reach of the alien’s strikes. Why the fuck is that hole and netting there? Who put it there? And how did he know about it? Wait, what the fuck is that?

Milobar: Freckles just got vaporized.

The hunter takes aim with his Virtual Boy vision and picks off the most scared/retardedly-grinning member of the group.

Donkey: She screams, you hear a shot, and then she literally just disappears. Not in an explosive manner or anything like that. She’s clearly just edited out. Fuck, that gets more and more awesome every time they do it.

Milobar: There’s just a quick flash and she’s not there anymore. Fuck, these people are so stupid they deserve to be eaten alive by a spider alien.

Donkey: After crawling back out of his hole in the ground, somehow Lee manages to get his hands on the Hunter’s gun. It looks like he might just…OH JESUS. Lee shoots the alien with the intergalactic gun and it fucking EXPLODES.

Milobar: He only hit the damn thing once!

Donkey: Not only that, but there were points earlier in the film where the hunter managed to shoot the alien himself, with little to no effect. So why did this one shot make the goddamn alien explode? They show that terrible explosion, cut away, and then cut back to show the same shot of the woods with no trace of the alien or any sign of an explosion. I guess just to show us for sure that he’s gone.

Holy shit! Now that's an explosion! Talk about scorched earth motherfu...what? Really?

Milobar: Lee starts celebrating, jumping up and down, pumping his fist in the air.

Donkey: Lee turns to Hilary and Tammy and sees that the hunter has stepped in front of them. He just looks like kind of sad, like he’s just accepting that they’re about to die. What? You’ve got a gun in your hands that you just used to vaporize an alien. Why not just shoot at the fucking hunter?

Milobar: Because the hunter suddenly disappears and the women are fine, aside from having appeared in an Asylum movie.

Do either of you understand a single fucking thing that just happened?

Donkey: And now the three survivors, Lee, Hilary, and Tammy are all just standing there, laughing. They’re talking about how they’re all going to go off and live together and that the reporter should write about what happened. What?! Are you fucking insane? WRITE ABOUT WHAT?! All your fucking conversations that didn’t make any goddamn sense? And why the fuck have these three assumed that just because the hunter has disappeared, he’s gone for good? He’s disappeared multiple times and then come back.

Milobar: As the three most uncharismatic characters in the history of film stumble off in to the sunset, we see the hunter back at his ship. It’s time for the big reveal folks! The helmet is coming off.

Donkey: He’s just a dude. And a douchebag at that, as he has a smoke and chugs a beer. He talks about how he may have finally found some worthy opponents, and that they might have to do another hunt.

I love a good smoke after I fuck an audience right in the brain.

Milobar: The computer asks him if she should prepare the checklist for his arrival on Earth, which makes it sound like the hunter might be a human from Earth and the planet he was just on wasn’t Earth.

Donkey: Fuck, how can that be? So this planet has the fucking Pulitzer Prize? They’re mentioning all kinds of other human institutions. This has to be Earth.

Milobar: I didn’t think it was possible for this movie to make less sense at this point, but it just fucking did. Thanks Asylum! Thanks for punching my brain in the face.

Donkey: I can’t help but notice that the running time of this movie is a true staple of Shitty Movie Night. Like so many others before it, it’s over in eighty two minutes. And fuck did they really stretch it to make it to eighty two minutes.

Milobar: This ‘story’ could have been told in twenty minutes. It made so little sense that it’s almost like they were writing a different script and then just randomly threw in the alien and the hunter as an afterthought, just to cash in on the Alien Vs Predator movies.

Donkey: I’m guessing that it was originally a romantic comedy. And apparently one that was set in a series of underground tunnels, considering that’s where they spent most of the fucking movie.

The Verdict:

Donkey: This is one of the greatest Asylum movies of all time, and a serious contender for the title of their champion. Watching this cinematic bowel obstruction is like farting into a bottle and saving it to dispense into the face of your spouse/sibling/employer at a later time. It’s really hard to do, and even if you somehow manage to pull it off, you quickly realize that it was a fucking stupid idea in the first place. Just stick to burping and blowing it in their faces when they open a door for you. Isn’t that right James, you asshole? But as I’ve said before, it’s that kind of hilarious failure that results in a great Shitty Movie Night, and Alien Vs Hunter delivers in every way imaginable. I give it five walls of dirt out of five reuses of the same fucking scene.

Milobar: After watching this piece of garbage I’m honestly having a hard time forming cohesive sentences. Fuck, that movie was so aggressively confusing I think it made everything else in my life make a little less sense. My hat is off to you Alien Vs Hunter. You would think your name alone might suggest that we would get to see an Alien fight a Hunter, but instead all I saw was a bunch of assholes wandering around the sewers for an hour and a half. And that’s just the tip of the mindfuck iceberg. I give this one five catacombs out of six dude we’re in their ship and that totally sucks.

What We Learned:

Donkey: If you’re going to make a movie, you don’t need an intelligible story, coherent dialogue, likable characters, decent actors, moderately believable special effects, entertaining action sequences, a variety of more than three sets, or any semblance of basic continuity, as long as you’ve got….umm…shit, what does this movie have? Oh yeah, the Greatest American Wad of Cocksnot.

Milobar: If anyone ever has a gun pointed at you, just do a duck roll. You’ll somehow magically come up swinging on a rope and shooting an M16, and unless that motherfucker trying to kill you has a fancy space suit that looks like it was cobbled together out of a Halloween costume from 1985 and a flat of recycled beer cans, you’re pretty much guaranteed to be eating shitty asshole steaks for dinner!

Don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: The depths of space collide with the depths of the arbitrary as we sail along with THE ICE PIRATES.

Back To The Main Page.

100 passengers and 2,000 vipers? I don't want to shock anyone, but this movie contains neither.

Donkey: There could be no denying that Transmorphers had upped the ante for Shitty Movie Night with production values that none of us had dreamed possible. A certain existential line had been crossed, as we had attained a level of knowledge not meant for the human brain. There was no going back. And like any junkie after their first hit, we were looking for more. We had spent a solid two weeks of sobbing ourselves into exhaustion while pondering how the hell someone has the fucking nerve to release a movie where you can’t hear half the dialogue, broken only by a futile attempt to fill the void with the tale of four assholes and their marvelous adventures in taint licking. It was then that Milobar found a movie that I had seen briefly on video store shelves some time earlier and had stored away in the recesses of my subconscious for future use…Snakes On A Train. The movie’s Hollywood inspiration, Snakes On A Plane, was a hilarious and outstandingly shitty movie in its own right, so we didn’t know how much lower this one could get. But never doubt, my friends. There is one rule that has been reinforced time and time again for us over the years; just when you think that you couldn’t possibly find something worse, you’ll always manage to sink to new lows. And like the song said, we had only just begun…

The Plot:

Donkey: Snakes On A Train is the tale of one night spent on a cylindrical metal tube-like method of conveyance separated into various subsections as it hurdled down a track, filled with similarly shaped reptilian creatures that represented various levels of venomous danger. I’m actually not sure what half of those words meant, so I could be wrong, but I think what I’m trying to say is that it’s a movie about snakes on a goddamn train.

This heartwarming tale belongs to Brujo and Alma, two illegal aliens from Mexico who have snuck across the US border in search of the same dream that so many of their countrymen flock to: meeting an uncle in Los Angeles that will cure Alma of a horrible Mexican curse that causes her to vomit snakes. Ah, that old story. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard it, I could buy and sell you all like the world’s third or fourth finest boxed wine. They manage to stowaway on a train headed to LA with a small group of other future gardeners and laborers, but tensions run high among the compatriots as the young couple can’t afford the same fare that the others paid in order to secure their safe passage. Despite a childhood friend of Alma’s named Miguel, who just happens to be on the same train, coming to their aid and paying their fee, the conflict eventually boils over when the others attempt to buy weed from them and discover Alma’s dark secret, forcing Brujo to use his Ultra-Mexican-Wizard powers to grapple with them. The distraction naturally sets up a series of events that result in Alma’s snakes escaping into the rest of the train. As those snakes begin to increasingly terrorize the scant group of fellow passengers, Brujo does his best to quietly gather them while working to prevent the train’s journey from being brought to a premature end. But time, circumstances, and elementary logic are not on his side, and eventually our fable comes to a horrifyingly ridiculous climax that will haunt the dreams of all those who dare to witness.

The Case For Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Donkey: Snakes On A Motherfucking Train! This is a Mallacchi Brothers film, which therefore means that someone thought this film required a group effort. I can’t believe that two people are actually responsible for this.

Milobar: But only one vagina.

Donkey: Indeed. And their mother should be ashamed. Wait, hold on…I just looked this movie up on IMDB and it says that the movie was actually directed by “Peter Mervis as the Mallacchi Brothers”. What?! How the fuck can I take your movie seriously if you’re so embarrassed by it that you not only won’t use your own name, but need to further secure your anonymity by using two fake ones instead?

Milobar: The movie opens with Brujo dragging his girlfriend Alma across the desert. Man, I feel bad for these two actors. They didn’t know what they were getting themselves into.

Donkey: The shit we’ll make people do for a green card.

Milobar: People picking fruit manage to maintain more dignity than these two.

Donkey: As they trudge through the desert, the young couple reach a warning sign on a barbed wire fence, marking the US border. That’s it? That’s the US border? Maybe Lou Dobbs isn’t as big of an idiot as I had suspected. No, wait…he still is.

Anyone else notice the Illegal Access warning is facing towards the US side of the border? I think I may have just discovered 98% of the problem with illegal immigration.

Milobar: The barbed wire is well spaced so it’s very easy to squeeze underneath it. Keeping the border safe, one illegal immigrant unable to crawl on their stomach at a time. After their daring dash across arbitrary national boundaries, Alma starts to get nauseous and they hunker down beside an old burned out truck.

Donkey: Brujo begins chanting and rubbing an ointment into Alma’s forehead, as well blowing smoke from a pipe into her face. I’m not really sure if this is supposed to be a bizarre healing ritual, or if he’s finally convinced her to try anal sex for the first time and is just prepping her up for a night of sand-filled ass loving by getting her crazy high.

It's a good thing they cast a desperate bulimic, or this would get old for her very fast.

Milobar: Come on, baby. Loosen up. It only burns like a bad rash the first couple of times. WINK. Of course her reaction, like most women I have propositioned with that exact same phrase, is to start coughing up green puke and… snakes? How the hell do you convince an actress to do this?

Donkey: Considering this woman’s role is composed of puking up bright green shit and snakes for almost the entire film, I’m going to guess that this was simply a better alternative than going back to working the Drive Thru at a Taco Bell. As they’re prepping for a sodolicious good time, a white dude acting as their coyote shows up and they tell him that they need to get to Los Angeles.

Milobar: Coyote Jim, worried about being spotted by the Minutemen, yells at Brujo and stomps their fire out. Of course, if I were in his shoes, I’d be less concerned about the fire and more concerned about the very apparent spotlight shining in the background.

Donkey: The coyote tells them about a train that’s conveniently headed to LA and offers to put them on it for three hundred dollars, just as the snake that Alma wretched up moments ago is seen climbing up his pant leg.

Milobar: “Something bit me, goddamn it!” For a snake that small, the bite mark is huge, and we are soon shown why. The snake apparently slithered inside of him. I don’t think the goddamn Mallacchi Brothers actually know how snakes work.

Donkey: That’s…um…awesome. And about thirty seconds later, he’s dead. Wow. Those snakes work fast, especially considering that was only his shin.

Milobar: Of course, the next thing we see is the train, and the Mexican couple trying to sneak on to it to get to LA.

We love this dude. And trust us, you're going to be seeing him a lot.

Donkey: I’d love to know how they got there, considering that Coyote Steve didn’t tell them where they were or in what direction they needed to go to get to this station before he dropped dead. So unless these assholes have a GPS, that’s some pretty good guess work. As they’re looking for a way to sneak onboard, the couple comes across one of our favorite recurring Asylum actors (whom we’ve already seen playing a character in the doomed strike force that was left for dead at the beginning of Transmorphers), portraying another illegal alien named Chico. After begging and pleading, Chico lets them board the car that he and a group of fellow illegal stowaways have paid to hide in. Brujo and Alma are then confronted by the two others, Juan and Julio (goddamn, these are some thoughtful Mexican names) demanding that they pay their way. All seems lost when suddenly this random dude named Miguel comes to their defense. Who is this dude?

Milobar: Mexicans stick together.

Donkey: Apparently only one out of every four stick together. The rest are ready to throw sick countrymen out to die. It turns out that Miguel is a friend of Alma’s from childhood. Isn’t that just an amazing coincidence? Really, what the hell are the odds of that?

What did you just say about President Taft, punk?

Next the movie takes a moment to introduce the rest of this motley cast, beginning with the train’s lone conductor, a man with a sweet handlebar mustache that connects up to his mutton chop sideburns, as he walks around collecting tickets. That is some awesome facial hair. Apparently this is his last shift before be begins an exciting new career as a grizzled 1890′s prospector. He collects tickets from the various passengers as they board and take seats. There’s two single white people, a man and woman who appear to be in their late thirties. You can just smell the awkward romance that’s going to ensue between these two, and it smells like a mixture of reheated Kraft Dinner and unrealized expectations. Man, these two are so fucking white that I suddenly feel like I’ve been suckered into watching an extended illegal Mexican Gap commercial. And that’s just reinforced by the next group to arrive; a gaggle of three disgustingly stereotypical teen-aged boys. Radical! They’re surfers just looking for that perfect wave and someone who will put up with their shitty acoustic guitar skills. But before we can focus on our hatred of them too much, in stumbles a family, consisting of two young parents with a very small girl.These two are obviously trapped in a loveless battle of apathy with a living reminder of their neglectful approach towards birth control yapping around their ankles.

Milobar: Enter my favorite victim, and a true diamond in the rough, Sad Titties. She and her friend Summer are talking about going to LA to become actors. Suddenly a comedy routine by David Cross springs in to my mind. They’re most likely going to be totally unsuccessful, stumble into the only thing more shameful than porn, an Asylum film, and have their acting wishes perversely granted by playing themselves in a movie about two clueless women traveling to LA to start an acting career.

Left: Kate Mulgrew, Right: Someone you will forget about in 30 seconds

Donkey: As the two twenty-something year old girls sit down, Crystal (lovingly known as Sad Titties) starts freaking out about this “Middle Eastern” dude that’s been staring at them from the other end of the passenger car, like, you know, forever.

Milobar: He doesn’t even look Middle Eastern. He looks like a white dude with a tan.

Donkey: And let’s put this in perspective. These two girls got on the damn train about thirty seconds ago. That doesn’t really warrant that kind of freak out, even if he had been looking at them for that entire thirty seconds.. It’s not like he’s been leering at them for over an hour, for God’s sake.

Milobar: And at the last minute some random cowboy shows up.

Donkey: A swarthy motherfucker with a shitty hat? Perfect. Finally we have all our players in this shitty ensemble. Let the assault on the very foundations of our reality commence. And now that all of our players have arrived, the train begins its journey and the movie turns back to Brujo and Alma.

But your snakes come...wait, do I seriously have to say this shit?

Milobar: Alma, looking worse than the hooker bodies Blombo keeps in the trunk of his car, says that everyone has snakes inside of them. Brujo’s witty response? “But yours come out.” Okay, I’m about done with these two fucking morons.

Donkey: That’s so fucking deep that I’m reaching for my snorkel gear. Seriously, I need a wetsuit lest I freeze and drown in that goddamn philosophical lake of brilliance.

Milobar: Actually, if you believe that everyone has snakes inside of them, I would call that pretty FUCKING INSANE.

Donkey: While talking about how they’re getting to LA to meet up with Brujo’s uncle, it is revealed that they believe the uncle can put the snakes back inside of Alma and make her whole again. Before your brain melts and pours out your ears as you try to picture how that could possibly be done, let’s take a step back for a moment and think about that, because the very foundation of this conflict is just cocktastic. How is it that she throws up parts of herself that have converted into snakes and manages to live for more than thirty seconds? This chick has clearly been chugging along for what has probably been days. Hours at the very least. What internal parts of your body can you possibly lose and still live, even when it is just a part a time?

Milobar: Judging by the people in this movie, self respect, common sense, and shame.

Donkey: Well it’s not like you can puke out a large part of your liver and then just hit the town for a night of roller-disco dance fever. You’d be way more fucked up than this. And just to highlight my point, Alma goes into another gagging fit and again we see this chick throwing up more of the green Jell-O substance/snake combination. Seriously, how many times do we have to watch this?

Milobar: Glub glub glub! There’s always room for Jell-O!

Donkey: Sensing that there are Jell-O Pudding Pops to be had, our old friend Chico comes over to survey the scene. First he asks for weed for him and his men, believing Brujo and Alma to be dope smugglers. But once he discovers all the snakes that Brujo is toting along in jars, he freaks out.

The truth is that this doesn't actually seal anything. He has mouth herpes and no one wants to go anywhere near that.

Milobar: Our significantly less cursed Mexican friends seem to agree with us and decide to attack the snake lady, but Brujo blinds them by blowing dust in their face and then traps Juan and Julio in a conveniently placed cage that he secures with a magical rope covered in green vomit. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. If you’re a goddamn moron.

Donkey: Like so many of these shitty movies, they don’t even bother to address this in any way. I understand why Alma is puking up that shit, per se. But how the hell did he just throw that up? And why did it magically bind that rope? Are we not going to talk about this at all? Really? Fuck…fine. Moments later, Brujo chases down Chico as he tries to escape and they begin a dramatic fight scene between cars, as these loud, screeching images of the tracks keep fading in and overlaying the scene. I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be symbolic, or some asshole’s idea of an artistic statement, but that’s just goddamn annoying. And after a very badly choreographed struggle, Brujo stabs Chico in the throat and kicks him off the train. So long, friend. See you in the next Asylum film.

Milobar: I’m surprised that Brujo didn’t have a catch phrase to yell out right then. Something like, “I guess this is your stop”, or “next stop, the ground!”

Donkey: With that situation temporarily resolved, our attention gets switched back to seeing the single white electrical engineer who keeps looking back at the only single white female in the passenger car. You can practically hear his thoughts out loud: how can I manage to show her my penis?

I am offensive in my inoffensiveness.

Milobar: There’s nothing like watching horribly awkward flirting on film.

Donkey: His great opening line is “do you have the time?” That’s a sweet move, and very true to real life, it’s followed by terrible and uncomfortable dialogue that’s not clever or interesting in the slightest. Put a gun to my goddamn head and end this. This isn’t funny or entertaining, and it’s not insightful into life or the human condition. It’s just goddamn frustrating to have to witness. If I want a goddamn touching romance between two idiots that closely mirrors real life, I’ll watch Dude, Where’s My Car? In the meantime, let’s get on to the fucking snakes with the bitey-bites. Finally, it starts to look a little more promising as the three teen-aged boys loudly enter the car and one of them has something that he can’t see slither past his leg. Of course, we don’t actually see anything either, as they don’t even so much as move the camera. There’s just a sudden dramatic blaring of music and we have to take his word as to why.

Milobar: Did that dude just say gnarly?

Donkey: Apparently these guys just rode in on skateboards from 1988. That’s rad.

Milobar: Bodacious!

Donkey: I’d like to take a moment to point out to our readers that by this point we can say with certainty that this train looks fucking nasty. Seriously. I understand that the rail industry isn’t doing very well but for god’s sake. This looks like it was just returning from Auschwitz when they stopped it to film a movie. Fuck, two of the four cars we see in this movie are full of garbage. What are they hauling? Where are they going? To the Los Angeles city dump? But with that tirade out of the way, the movie turns to the young family sleeping in their cabin, Mitch and Nancy along with their child, Lani. After Lani stumbles back from the bathroom, claiming that she saw a snake in there, Nancy tries to wake up Mitch and prod him to go check it out.

Milobar: “Mitch. Mitch!” Look asshole, Mitch is asleep. Okay? After being violently extricated from dreamland, Mitch groggily informs his spawn that there are no snakes on this train, and then asks how she thinks they would possibly get in. What do you mean how would they get in? It’s a goddamn train!

Donkey: Last I checked, this train was connected to the ground and it comes to stops for significant periods of time. It’s not a goddamn space station in orbit. An industrious snake could crawl up there on its own, even if you discount the very distinct possibility that it’s someone’s missing pet who brought it onboard and then lost it.

Milobar: Being an excellent father figure, Mitch ignores his daughter, rolls over to go back to sleep, and gives us a sweet shot of his tighty whities. Fuck, thank you for that.

This is what is known as a Mexican bidet.

Donkey: Sweet skid marks there, dude. Nancy gets up and checks the bathroom with their daughter, and after they leave, we get what is supposed to be a shocking and terrifying shot of a snake as it starts coming out of a roll of toilet paper. Fuck, how big do they think a roll of toilet paper is? There’s no way a snake could hide in there without you seeing most of it hanging out the other side.

Milobar: “Hey guys! If I didn’t know better, I’d say this roll of toilet paper was a snake.”

Donkey: Now as they’re settling back down to bed and the scene is about to cut away, we see that a snake is slithering under the covers into daddy’s bed. Ominous.

Milobar: After that dramatic and touching scene, Brujo takes a moment to finally reveal what is wrong with Alma. She’s been stricken with an ancient curse called… “The Snakes.”

Donkey: That’s insanely creative. He explains that she was originally supposed to marry a wealthy man but instead decided to run away with him, so her enraged family put this curse on her.

Milobar: Now admittedly, I’m not Mexican, but I think that might be a bit of an overreaction.

Donkey: As Brujo is revealing this intensely unbelievably premise to Miguel, Julio and Juan, who are still trapped in the cage which is being bound shut by the puke rope, taunt them from their cell. Rightly so, as these people and their goddamn story are about as worthy of respect as a child rapist, but if I were in a cage that was being held shut by a dude’s puke while his girlfriend is throwing up snakes every couple of minutes, I might just keep my goddamn mouth shut.

Milobar: I personally wouldn’t be trying to get out of that cage. They’re probably safer inside it.

Donkey: With that terribly insightful scene over, we turn back to Crystal and Summer sitting in the dining car, as Crystal is explaining how a guy named Mark, who is presumably one of their ex-boyfriends, gave them five thousand dollars to take something to a friend of his in LA. What it turns out that she’s carrying is a rather substantial package of coke in her purse. Not wrapped or hidden. Just sitting in her purse. I know that trains probably aren’t the pinnacle of security, but come on, you really thought it was a good idea to just try to carry that in your bag next to your lip liner? The scene ends with them noticing that the Middle Eastern dude is still following them, and then a random snake slipping by Summer’s boot. So in summary, these two have an intellectual capacity that barely keeps them from constantly drooling all over themselves. Thrilling.

As we turn once again to our Mexican friends, Miguel tries to convince Bujo to take Alma to see a doctor, as “they might be able to do some x-rays or something.” Yeah, because this is a very common ailment that any doctor can treat, one step down from the clap. A little penicillin and she’ll be fine.

Milobar: “Guts turning into snakes, eh? I’ve seen this before a hundred times. You just need a little bit of Robitussin and some warm milk.” Meanwhile the two Mexican dudes who were tied in a cage all of five feet away, have managed to escape without anyone noticing.

Donkey: Now that’s pretty fucking sneaky. Perhaps like people in so many other shitty movies, those guys have the famed ‘Ninja Teleport’ power. We catch up with Juan and Julio as they are looking at a bag that they stole from Brujo. Wait…they escaped AND managed to steal a fucking bag? Without being noticed? Fuck, these two would make better covert operatives than Remo Williams. As they riffle through the bag which contains the pipe that Brujo had been using to blow smoke into Alma’s face, they crack into a tin that they’ve pulled out, thinking that it’s weed. Of course, it actually turns out to be snakes. And naturally, one immediately crawls into Juan’s wrist.

I think you misunderstood the word 'Anal' in the Anal Bead instruction manual

Milobar: And there goes snake number two into Juan’s heterosexual life mate’s wrist.

Donkey: And in the great Asylum tradition, the audio for this scene, like some many others, is shit. The two of them are screaming and it is so loud that you’d think they had discovered a way that they could both deep throat the boom mic at once. Even at the lowest volume, it still seems like your television’s speakers are about to catch fire.

Milobar: Brujo arrives to save the da-HOLY SHIT! Did he just rip out that dude’s heart with his bare hands? Who the fuck is this guy? The Mexican, non-union equivalent of Superman?

I know it looks bad, but he's actually just installing a pacemaker. It's fast and cheap, if you don't mind a scar that looks like you were playing rugby with a landmine.

Donkey: The amount of shit that this guy can do, with no explanation as to why, is getting fucking ridiculous. Once he’s collected the snake from Juan’s heart, he then uses a knife to retrieve the other one out of Julio’s forearm. Now that’s just goddamn neighborly of that snake to have stayed there, rather than traveling to his heart, seeing as Juan and Julio both got penetrated at about the same time. Speaking of which, a gradual ache in my lower intestine is really causing me to feel like this movie is penetrating me. And while Juan drifts off to whack that giant pinata in the sky, Brujo leaves Julio to suffer his fate, insinuating that now that he’s been violated by a cursed snake, his insides will make the same unholy transformation. Wait, if that’s true then why did Coyote Frank just drop dead? Why didn’t he end up being infected with ‘the Snakes’?

The movie once again returns to Crystal and Summer, who are arguing over the large bag of coke. When Summer demands that Sad Titties ditch the stash, Crystal reveals that she can’t get rid of it or give it back because she’s already spent three out of the five thousand dollars they were given for this. Why would you tell your friend that you were given five grand if you’ve already spent three of it? Why not just say that you were given two?

Milobar: Because she’s a fucking idiot.

Donkey: After undoubtedly leaving heaping, clogged toilets in the bathroom and taking part in an awkward exchange with Hoover the Cowboy, the girls sit down at a booth in the diner car only to have Julio stumble up to them, mumble something in Spanish, throw up a bunch of black shit, and wander out. Fuck, that will ruin your dinner.

Milobar: The lunch lady picks up the phone and says “Mr. Jenkins, he’s coming your way.” Who’s coming my way, Gladys? What the fuck are you talking about?!

Donkey: The only other sentence that the lunch lady says to this Mr. Jenkins is that she’ll keep her eyes open until the police come. What? Did someone call the cops in the last fifteen seconds that I just didn’t notice? Because I was pretty sure that no one’s done anything yet. But before the scene ends, Hoover the Cowboy plops himself down with the two young women and identifies himself as a cop.

Milobar: And it’s time to take Sad Titties for a little mano e breasto chat.

Donkey: Just before he takes her away, Summer says, “You don’t look like a cop, you look like a dealer.” Why, that’s a valid point you’ve got there, Summer. Gold star for you! Because no undercover cop has ever looked like a grease ball before. They all wear freshly pressed slacks, sport a cop mustache, and rock out in a hat that says “Undercover, bitches”. Well done. Have a cookie. But while we leave Summer to undoubtedly continue her groundbreaking research into Quantum Physics, the movie turns its focus back to our flirtatious single white people. As they regale each other with enchanting tales of their failed life skills, the conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Julio, stumbling around in his cursed condition.

Milobar: I wish somebody would interrupt this movie with something worth watching. But I guess a Mexican shaking like a crack head and puking up green Jell-O will have to suffice.

Donkey: The conductor puts Julio in a seat and then goes to call for help, as the two single white people look on in very typical ‘white’ fashion. “Golly gee whiz…someone should help that poor man. Fuck, not me, but someone should”. I love the fucking camera angles in this scene as the conductor is on the phone. It jumps from looking up at him upside down from under his chin, or down from directly above his head. What the fuck is that? There’s absolutely no way that I can concentrate on what he’s saying when I’m looking at him like this, not that he’s saying anything even remotely relevant anyway.

I'm so good that I can emote fear using my nostrils and hairline alone. Still not impressed? Flip the camera then, bitch.

I’ve had about enough of this, and the movie agrees as the scene transitions back to Alma, who’s looking pretty damn rough as Miguel is trying to comfort her.

Just hold still. If you're going to rot, the least you can do is smell like a football player's ass crack.

Milobar: What the fuck is he doing? He’s spraying deodorant on Alma and has wrapped her head up like she’s got a goddamn toothache.

Donkey: As Alma is beginning to realize that there is no way that she’s ever going to make it to LA alive, she declares that she doesn’t want to be thrown off the train. If she’s going to die, she wants to do it here. Really? Your’d rather die here on this rundown shitty train than outside in the fresh air and under an open sky? Are you sure you wouldn’t rather be moved to some place even more luxurious, like a fucking garbage barge, or a pile of AIDS infested medical refuse?

Milobar: Fuck, if I were on that train I’d want to die too. Fuck this movie’s so goddamn boring. Seriously. However, the one redeeming scene this movie contains is coming up.

Donkey: Yep, the big pay off.

Milobar: The movie that created the legend. The legend that started a revolution! But before we get there, Brujo the Mexican samurai has decided to make his way to the engineer’s booth via the roof of the train to make sure no one stops this locomotive.

Donkey: Once they take those few moments to demonstrate that the people who made this movie clearly have no idea how hard it would be to navigate along the top of a moving train, we finally get to one of the greatest scenes in the movie, as the cowboy has sat down Crystal in a car all by themselves. “Are you going to arrest me?”, she asks. You’re carrying around almost a kilo of coke, you moron. What the fuck do you think he’s going to do?

Milobar: I’m hoping for a foot massage.

Donkey: But of course, Hoover offers to avoid pressing charges and make her file disappear if she gives him the money. Which she does…and then he’s suddenly making out with her. What the fuck was that? But it’s clear by the look on her face that this isn’t something anyone should be doing.

This scene isn't awkward enough! Quick, both of you think about when you had to sleep with me to get your parts! Perfect! AND ACTION!

Milobar: She’s clearly disgusted. And yet she still lets him take her shirt off to give us all a peak at what we will forever know as “Sad Titties.”

Donkey: This is the worst type of nudity scene ever in the history of film. It clearly looks like she’s actually under duress the entire time she’s taking her shirt and bra off. There is obviously no acting involved here at all.

Milobar: She’s embarrassed and ashamed of herself. That’s so sexy.

Donkey: Once we all finish running off a batch of baby batter, we need to examine this from her point of view. It’s one thing to take your top off in a major Hollywood motion picture in the hopes that despite doing something you might find degrading, there’s a chance you might be noticed and be able to build a career out of it. But this is a goddamn Asylum movie. Other than us, there may be about a dozen other people who ever see this. So you’re putting yourself through this for absolutely nothing. And this so fucking awkward. She looks like she’s about five seconds away from bursting into tears and running off the set.

Milobar: Now that the Sad Titties have been clumsily fondled, it’s time for Middle Eastern Man to make an appearance. Who is Middle Eastern Man you ask? A more important question might be: Who the fuck cares? Because the writers of this shitty movie sure don’t. And as the tensions run high on the sexual molestation car, the movie cuts to an external shot that is quite obviously nowhere near the same train.

Donkey: I think if we actually paid attention and looked back at them all, we’d discover that every external shot in this movie is a different train. Once again we now turn back to the single white folks, as they watch Julio writhe in pain, still doing nothing themselves to actually help.

Milobar: Generic white chick, while watching Pedro Mexicano in his death throes, incredulously asks the conductor if he’s getting a doctor. We’re on a fucking train that’s IN MOTION. Do you think I have a doctor in my back pocket? Get the fuck out of here.

A Mexican Wizard?! Fuck, I've gotta switch back to injecting black tar heroin directly into my sack.

Donkey: What a great fucking scene. Goddamn this movie is entertaining. We return to Brujo the Mexican Merlin attempting to prevent the train from stopping, as we first see the engineer of the train that is…smoking crank? Fuck, what?!

Milobar: He’s toking that shit out of a light bulb. He’s all fucking angry as shit, even before the Mexican Witch Doctor shows up. Brujo, confronting his arch nemesis Retarded White Guy on Crack, jumps down and firmly asserts, “this train can’t stop!” To which Crackhead McDoogle’s response is: “wrong bitch!” At least he didn’t claim to be the Juggernaut.

Donkey: This is so fucking random, and so AWESOME. This guy’s shaking and tripping out. He takes one swing at Brujo, Brujo pulls his knife, and then without being so much as touched, the engineer just passes out on his own. And as Brujo is smashing one single piece of equipment (how exactly does he know which one to smash?), they flash a random shot of the engineer’s belt buckle, which is a badly painted picture of a puppy, and then to a photograph of him and another dude standing together without shirts on. Wait…WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? A few moments later, after the conductor discovers that the engineer is passed out with smashed equipment and tries unsuccessfully to call for help, the movie starts to ratchet up the action as the group of young punks begin to notice some of the many snakes that are on the train. As two of them are standing there looking at a snake slithering out from between two seats, the one asks the other what that is.

Milobar: What do you mean what is it? It’s a goddamn snake!

Donkey: Apparently he thinks it could be a goddamn iguana.

Milobar: How do you not know what a snake looks like? How do you confuse a snake with anything else? What goddamn country is this moron from? As the single white duo and the young punks flee to another car, they come across the babbling conductor screaming “Runaway Train!” Yeah, you said that eight times already: Fucking runaway train, we fucking get it.

Donkey: Suddenly a man-sized snake that I believe is supposed to be what Julio transformed into, attacks and kills the conductor. As the others flee in terror, one of the young punks runs into another a car all by himself, where we can assume that he meets a violent end, as we see him turn around to the sound of a snake hissing, only to see bright red food coloring splattered across a wall.

But just as the movie starts to warm up to the point where one might actually think to look for a pulse, it dies again immediately and goes straight back to hell, as it turns our attention to the Middle Eastern man, who has taken Hoover by gun point back to the same car that all the Mexicans were hiding in to begin with. The Middles Eastern dude, apparently named Barat, puts Hoover in the same cage that was used to hold the others captive with puke rope and tells him to strip so that when the others walk into the car, they’ll see how gay he is. What? Where did that come from?

Milobar: Who in their right goddamn mind is going to walk into that train car?

Donkey: Now that Barat the Middle Eastern Sensation has Hoover pinned in a cage, undressing, and has declared that he’s going to send him to Hillbilly Heaven, he moves his gun right up to Hoover’s face and fires. Of course, even from less than a foot away, he somehow manages to only shoot him in the cheek, grazing him at best. Shit, my jaw!

Milobar: Unexplained Middle Eastern Man will fuck up the way you eat breakfast, BELIEVE IT.

Donkey: As Barat saunters away, quite pleased with his obvious shortcomings, he runs into Miguel and Alma. Apparently they were cowering in a corner of the room the whole time and just weren’t noticed. That seems pretty fucking stupid, but I don’t think it would really be fair to expect any different at this point. As Barat raises his gun to take out the witnesses, Hoover slumps out of the cage and shoots Barat in the neck, who stumbles around to return fire. Hoover slumps, but you can’t be sure if that’s because he’s been shot further, or if he’s in the process of shitting his pants. Was that supposed to have hit him?

Milobar: No, I’m pretty sure that he just died of shame. I know I’m pretty fucking close. I’m seriously considering not posting this review.

Donkey: Once Barat and Hoover have finished emptying their guns and mercifully managed to kill each other, we see that they have unwittingly unleashed all of Alma’s remaining snakes.

Milobar: And Sad Titties is still just sitting in the sexual molestation car, waiting for The Groping Cowboy to make his triumphant return.

Donkey: And now that shit has really hit the fan, it’s time for a bunch of quick shots of the action. First we see Nancy, the young mother, as she tries to wake Mitch, pulling back his blankets and discovering that he’s dead and is apparently cuddling with the snake murderer. That’s just touching. But then of course, snakes attack Nancy and she’s killed. Next we cut to Summer, as she hears a shriek and discovers Crystal in a passenger car just fucking surrounded by snakes. She throws her jacket over one of the snakes and Crystal jumps over it, escaping all too easily.

Milobar: Brujo discovers that Alma is missing and that even more snakes are loose, so he runs through the train trying to gather up everything as Alma continues puking up lime Jell-O and snakes everywhere.

Donkey: And this scene just keeps going and going and going. Fuck, we get the point. He’s looking for snakes. Fast forward…

Milobar: After watching both her parents being devoured by snakes we see the little girl huddling in fear by herself.

Someone should come and find this little girl any time n....SWEET JESUS!

Donkey: Just when you think that witnessing her parents die is the worst thing that you could possibly subject this girl to, suddenly a giant snake appears and starts to devour her, with blood fucking spraying everywhere. Jesus!

Milobar: It’s basically just swallows her whole.

Donkey: And legs first at that, so that you can hear her scream in horror the entire time. That’s fucking brutal. I think that’s one of the most vicious things I’ve ever seen.

Milobar: Women screaming, a Mexican Dude covered in snakes and puking up green shit everywhere, a twenty year old girl who has been coerced into a rough tit fondling; it’s like a night out on the town with Blombo. Excellent.

Donkey: Finally the movie cuts back to Brujo discovering Miguel and Alma. He kneels by Alma to comfort her and check on her condition, only to discover that it’s too late. Alma has grown fangs for some reason and has gone past the point of no return. They start to have a rather pointless and unimaginative discussion about heaven, all the while Miguel is standing a few feet away, facing off again the giant snake that used to be Julio. He’s just hitting the snake with a frying pan over and over as it just looks at him, and taking it seemingly without complaint. This is goddamn ridiculous.

Milobar: This dude is awesome. He’s still just smacking that snake in the face. But seriously, I really want to know how much you have to pay an actress to stuff a snake in her mouth.

Donkey: Judging from this movie, not much.

Milobar: They probably pay her with a goddamn bologna and processed cheese sandwich.

Donkey: And now the movie turns into pure insanity. Alma turns into a massive snake that immediately turns on Brujo, eating him whole. Once it swallows that greasy, burrito flavored lump, it smashes out the wall of the passenger car and manages to escape outside. The next shot shows it moving along the roof of the train, and for some reason the snake is now fucking huge. The very next shot shows the snake about to attack the train and, you guessed it, the Alma snake has now grown to the size of a fucking entire fucking train. Sweet, mercifully Robert Urich! I don’t know how much more of this I can take. But just as I think that my cries for mercy have been heard, another staggeringly blow reigns down. The snake STARTS TO EAT THE FUCKING TRAIN. Beginning at the front, it just chomps away and swallows the whole thing, car by car. Screaming in terror almost as loud as our laughter, our survivors somehow realize enough about what’s going on to run through the train, heading towards the back as it’s being devoured. Once they make it to the end and open the rear exit door into the night sky, they start arguing about whether or not they can jump off the back to the ground below.

So can giant snakes digest massive metal objects? Or would this have basically killed it in 10 minutes anyways?

Milobar: The camera shot makes it look like it’s a huge drop, but it’s just a fucking train being swallowed by a giant snake. How high could it be? What the fuck am I talking about? Why would I expect this movie to start making sense now?

Donkey: I really don’t understand how high up they’re expecting us to believe that these people are. But still, they’re exclaiming no, it’s too far. They can’t do it. But finally, as the Alma snake is bearing down on them, they manage this massive leap just in time for the train to finish being consumed.

Milobar: Acting fast, the lone surviving Mexican, who spent most of the film stumbling around in the background and being useless, uses a glowing amulet to summon a