Make this year's holidays a time of laughter, joy, and constant dong punches.

Donkey: Like a creepy uncle with a mustache and a seemingly infinite supply of stained jogging pants, the holiday season is once again waiting just around the corner, ready to pounce on the innocent and unsuspecting. But as we come face to face with usual plethora of questions that accompany this time of merriment, like who’s going to make an ass of themselves at the office Christmas party and am I really going to allow my child to sit on the all too eager lap of a man who is likely homeless 11 months of the year, there is one quandary that demands a much higher level of urgency. Call it capitalism gone wild or even the genital warts infecting the undercarriage of generosity, but there is nothing as important during this time of good will towards men as what we intend on buying for others. After all, the consequences of a poorly chosen gift can be disastrous. Sure, it’s been reported that feelings of loneliness and isolation run rampant during the holidays, but the real secret is that poorly chosen gifts are the cause of the season’s astronomically high suicide rate. Hell, Big Mouth Billy Bass has killed more people through the annals of history than polio. So to help you avoid wiping out your entire family with a 10 ton blast of unfortunate judgment, we here at ShittyMovieNight.com have compiled the following guide to help you choose the right gift for everyone on your list. Whether they’re naughty or nice or dried wads of bleeding ass drool, we’ve got you covered. You’re welcome.

For the One You Love

If you're looking for a man to kick the faces of ninjas while performing the perfect dismount, look no further.

We Recommend: Gymkata

When it comes to that special someone in your life, the person with whom you want to share your laughter and your pain, the good times and the bad, and your rather massive collection of Robotech porn in hopes that they won’t laugh you right back into your parents’ basement, nothing but the best will do. Sure you could just play it safe and buy him another gas-powered pube trimmer/deli meat slicer, or her another Martin Mull Signature Mustache Waxing Kit, but perhaps this is the year to truly complete their lives in a way that even you never could, with the single greatest adventure involving a tiny gymnast riding a pommel horse of glory ever told. Featuring Kurt Thomas, the world’s third least likely action hero, in line just behind Phyllis Diller and the frozen corpse of Ted Williams, it’s the story of how diminutive stature, a series of completely unnecessary flips, and a total lack of any killing prowess are the only tools necessary to conquer a contest of strength that no one has survived in over 500 years, all while earning the love of a woman whose standards for men are obviously set so low that she’d probably still fuck a man in the composting stage of leprosy. The showpiece of any DVD collection, this film will provide repeated hours of pulse-pounding entertainment to get your significant other through the long, cold winter ahead, provided that the exposed ass of a random priest doesn’t cause their brain to shit out into their skulls. But trust me when I say that’s a risk worth taking.

But Also Consider: Troll 2, Double Team

If the single greatest gift known to man isn’t enough…well, you’re just being an asshole at this point. That’s like winning the lottery and immediately trying to double it by betting it all on a single hand of Blackjack. That being said, if you’re going to insist on being a reckless turd burglar, there are options that can push any mere mortal to the very brink of sensory overload. But be warned: I’m quite serious when I say that giving a gift that includes any combination of Gymkata, Troll 2, and/or Double Team, creates a force so powerful that it would take the power of 1,000 exploding suns to defeat it. So unless you’re giving the gift to Aquaman, or possibly rock legend Steve Perry, you might want to reconsider.

For the One You Hate

His tender virgin ears won't be ready for this screaming load of premium manseed.

We Recommend: Universal Soldiers

Is there someone in your life that you loathe beyond all comparison, so much so that even the sound of their voice is like nails on a chalkboard, provided that chalkboard is lodged somewhere in your lower colon, between a can of spray cheese and the 1984 Farmers Almanac? Then I beg of you to put down that nail gun, cancel all plans involving a wheat thresher, and consider a far more sinister alternative. Instead of exacting your unholy revenge with savage violence, this yearconsider something more subtly diabolical and give them the gift that keeps on giving. Giving what, you ask? A third degree migraine and seriously depleted faith in humankind for starters. Featuring horrible dialogue spat through the screaming lips of exceptionally untalented faces, a plot that could only be equaled by a Bounty paper towel marketing team given 15 seconds to ramble out a script while their wives are being raped by clowns that are laughing hysterically, and special effects on par with the visual imagery created by your slow cousin having sex with an Etch-A-Sketch, this film will spend what even Timedrax, the Master of Time and Dimension, would call the longest 80 minutes of anyone’s life pissing in the ears of your nemesis with all the unchecked aggression and light asparagus smell that you wish you had the freedom to unleash yourself.

But Also Consider: The American Ninja Quintology, Alien Apocalypse

While Universal Soldiers will leave them permanently crippled, both mentally and emotionally, if you want to truly destroy the mind of that asshole that kicked sand on you at the beach, then don’t bother with any of that Charles Atlas body building bullshit. Instead consider a second gift to pull off the brutal finishing move of your choice: The American Ninja Quintology, which could cause semi-permanent case of face explosion once its blatant inconsistency causes your expressions to contortion more violently than if you shit a live zebra, or Alien Apocalypse, which will pull the warm blanket of a coma over your enemy as he or she basks in its total lack of remarkable qualities.

For the One You’re Trying To Show Your Penis To

The Sears catalogue of the cinematic porn world.

We Recommend: Hard Ticket To Hawaii

Unless your name happens to be Scott Baio, John Stamos, or Lou Gossett Jr, getting laid is never easy. To make matters worse, the odds are pretty high that you’re hung like a squirrel in an ice bath, you’ve got a face that only a mother could love since the alternative would be the realization that she tore herself a ragged vaganus to unleash little more than a walking Chia Pet upon the world, and your skills at pleasuring a lady are about as finely tuned as Helen Keller’s banjo. But that’s not going to stop you, you smooth son of a bitch, because there’s a set of breasts out there with a woman attached to them that’s just begging to be motorboated. So if standing a short distance away, hoping that she’ll notice you posing in a way that makes you look like you’re either flexing or passing a small kidney stone hasn’t worked, you’re going to need all the help you can get to have your all day pass stamped at the gates of the Pleasure Dome, deep in the heart of Flavor Country. To pique the ladies’ interest, go with Hard Ticket To Hawaii, a long series of slow grinding, feathered-hair titty shots featuring starlets barely clinging to the same remote semblance of fame that could only be earned through horse porn, all while tugging off men that wouldn’t meet the IQ prerequisite to work as an underwear mannequin in a Sears display window. She’ll be too busy laughing at the indestructible cancer snake lurking in unsuspecting toilets and the skateboarding hitmen to notice you putting your junk on her thigh.

But Also Consider: Ice Pirates, Cool As Ice

By this point her panties will likely be more flooded than a post-Katrina New Orleans, but if you want to rocket them right off the target of your sweaty lust, you need to seal the deal by showing her how much worse things could get than you. You could either let her bask in the glory of Robert Urich just long enough to realize that while you’re not half the man he is, at least you don’t have space herpes, or you could show her the single biggest failure in personal marketing since Donald Trump unveiled the Donald Trump Kitten Strangler, Cool As Ice. I’m not sure why Vanilla Ice thought that his career could be advanced by forcing us to watch him in a series of dance videos, dance-filled live shows, and public service announcements on the dangers of inappropriate dancing in public streets, all loosely associated to one another with a series of scenes that feature him frozen in a puckered, shit-eating expression that leads one to believe that he’s attempting to suck out a bowel obstruction from the wrong end, but this movie is an immortal testament to how wrong he was.

For the Armchair Quarterback

Domo arigato, Mr Roboto, for wasting 2 hours of my life.

We Recommend: Robot Jox

We all have one of those friends: The kind that screams at UFC matches like they could knock George St. Pierre out cold with a single thrust of their hips, bleat at football games like they have more Superbowl rings than fingers, and yammer on about soccer like they could pull off a top corner strike via bicycle kick on command. And yet, miraculously, most of these men couldn’t kick a Cheetos habit without needing a triple bypass, let alone a game winning field goal. And for those champions by proxy, whose asses are expanding inversely to their ability to actually perform any physical activity outside of pouring melted cheese on their nachos, we heartily recommend Robot Jox. This is a film dedicated to praising men whom train tirelessly to accomplish a task that could probably be performed just as easily by an elderly dementia patient or a particularly clever house cat. They are genetically engineered to be the best of the best at strapping themselves into a giant robot and executing such monumental tasks as firing a gun, walking slowly, and falling over backwards. Finally, a sport that fat guys who would be rendered breathless from simply cramming their heads into a large helmet can compete in!

But Also Consider: Best Of The Best, Over The Top

Though it will satisfy most, this might not be enough in certain cases. Sometimes just the hint of physical activity, even one simple enough to be mastered by an epileptic toddler watching back to back episodes of Pokemon, is enough for our couch jockeys to dismiss it faster than veggie platter. For those people, there’s Best Of The Best and Over The Top. The former will teach you that if the moderately untalented amongst us does enough jumping jacks, they too can lose at an international karate tournament just as fast as a Hollywood superstar like Eric Roberts, while the latter will show that everything in life, whether it’s fame, money, a rig, or the love of your only child, can be won through the majesty of arm wrestling.

For the Video Game Aficionado

For you, the day you watched Street Fighter: The Movie was the worst day of your life. For us...it was Thursday.

We Recommend: Street Fighter: The Movie

Since more and more people are playing video games these days, bringing what was once a shameful hobby enjoyed only by social outcasts to the forefront of popular culture, the odds are pretty good that you know someone whom has traded away their dignity for chance to taunt and tea bag 12-year-olds after cutting them down online with an Energy Sword. In most cases, the safe anonymity of playing with strangers across the world on the Internet brings out the inner douchewelder in most of these people, but since you can’t wrap up a punch in the fucking face and give it as a gift, you might as well choose a metaphorical kick to the balls in the form of a movie based on a video game. There is no shortage of testicle smashing selections in this category, but one of the single greatest examples has to be Street Fighter: The Movie, an unsung hero in the cinematic category of “Completely Missed The Goddamn Point”. The game on which it was based, Street Fighter II, was a global competition of fighting mastery to determine the world’s greatest warrior. The movie, on the other hand, is the light-hearted tale of JCVD defending the world from the whimsical musings and underwhelming demands of a brilliantly comedic dictator. It’s just the size 13’s in the nads that you’re looking for.

But Also Consider: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, DOA: Dead Or Alive

While Street Fighter: The Movie is the most direct slap to the penis on the market, these two films spread the icing on the Fuck You cake, delivering a follow up flick to the testicles while the recipient is already distracted by extreme dong pain. Witnessing a supposed Chinese god, played by someone who is of course not Chinese, getting a goddamn haircut or basking in the fighting majesty of Eric Roberts when wearing his ultimate weapon of a pair of sunglasses should be enough to make even the most hardened gamer sob like an infant.

For the Fan of Truly Unbridled Awesomeness

JCVD kicks a fucking tiger. Seriously. Do you need any other reason to watch?

We Recommend: Double Team

I like things that are awesome. You like things that are awesome. Apart from fundamentalist Christians and our future Morlock overlords, who doesn’t love things that are awesome? So consider this: Awesome begins with Van Damme and ends with a punch square to the balls while doing the splits. This is simple, irrefutable fact. The challenge therefore, is not finding a gift that will blow someone’s goddamn mind, but one that will maximize that cranial inferno, killing everyone within a 35 mile radius. For this we have to turn to Double Team. When the bathtub-molesting exercise routine and underwater plastic bag strangling majesty of JCVD is combined with not only the unnecessary and inappropriate basketball references of Denis Rodman, but also the apparently limitless invincibility of a Coke machine, the result is a whirlwind of mind-fucking furry that not even a greasy bandit like Mickey Rourke can withstand. This movie will change the way you look at the world.

But Also Consider: Timecop, Double Impact

Trying to pick the highest peek in the mountain range of awesomeness that is the JCVD library can be daunting, so take heart in the fact that you can’t really go wrong. That being said, our alternate suggestions would be the adventures of JCVD rocketing through time, wherein he saves the day just to end up in the private hell of ending up in an alternate reality to find that he has a 10 year old son that he’s supposed to have been around but has never actually met, or the adventures of JCVD through the land of incredibly bad editing, where he and a shadowy double of himself argue over which one of them is gay while secretly wondering and graphically picturing which one of them could sex up a woman better.

For the Office Party Where You Have To Buy Some Goddamn “Secret Santa” Bullshit Gift

Hilarity wears Depends.

We Recommend: The Golden Girls: Season 4

Trying to buy a gift for a coworker you can barely stand is kind of like trying to unblock a septic tank with a grapefruit spoon and the raw suction power of your own lips: it’s likely going to be a painful experience and no matter how well it turns out, you’re going to walk away with a shitty taste in your mouth. To guarantee all the hilarity that a modest budget and minimal effort can buy, I recommend you scrounge through your nearest Wal-Mart discount DVD bin for The Golden Girl: Season 4. With such timeless classics as the episode where Dorothy finally reveals that she’s a tranny, the moment that Sophia gets confused enough to shit in a potted plant, and the one where Blanche discovers that you’re never too old to get HIV, this comedic powerhouse will have something for everyone…

But Also Consider: Doing a lot of drinking.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: a much, much needed holiday break. But we’ll return in the new year, recharged and ready for more pain and suffering.

Back To The Main Page.

When you're this bad-ass, you're not only surrounded by blondes, but you can shoot a man dead while wiping your brow. Take that, Chuck Norris.

Donkey: There can be no doubt that the single greatest invention in the latter half of the twentieth century, which radically altered the face of human existence forever, was the keytar. Part synthesizer, part guitar, but all rock, that baby demanded that you surrendered to the infectious power of dance while belting out the dopest beats that the human body could endure before knocking the Magnum PI mustache clean off your face. But that being said, until my petition entitled “The Final Countdown To Keytar Armageddon: Funk Me In The Ass” officially changes all records of human history, others will disagree with me and claim that a far bigger revolution has come from the rise in prominence of the Internet. Among many other things, it has changed the way that we socialize, communicate, and digest our news. Hell, without the Internet I’d just be some asshole on a street corner, shouting to anyone who would listen about the soul-saving powers of JCVD’s ball cleavage.

One of the biggest changes that the Internet has facilitated has to do with the availability of porn. I know that the youth of today won’t be able to relate, what with being able to type “gardening tips” into Google Images only to be assaulted with an endless parade of pictures of vagina, but back in my day things were much different. The first time I ever saw a naked woman was in the pages of a ripped up Playboy that had been discarded in a vacant lot just a few blocks from my elementary school. And while we’re on that subject, why was there always at least one porno mag in a field by a school? I’ve asked all kinds of friends around my age who come from all kinds of different cities, and we’ve all had the same experience. Who the fuck was distributing these magazines like some weird Johnny BonerSeed? Well whoever you were, I salute you, you magnificent bastard! And the only other reliable avenue of nudity available for someone too young to actually buy porn was the Friday night skin flick on the movie channel. Every Friday night at 1:00 AM they aired a film that’s plot revolved around little more than finding reasons for random dudes to dry hump topless chicks with a passion that will burn through the ages. And it’s one of those movies that we’re going to examine this week. So come with me, if you will, as we journey back to bygone era of repressed sexual confusion.

The Plot:

Donkey: I have no idea. There’s something about diamonds, deadly snakes, and sex-doll equipped assassins in here, but quite frankly, even after having seen this movie several times, I’m not really sure what it’s actually about. The best way for me to sum it up would be with a single word: tits! Of course, if that’s not enough detail for you, I could go into a little more detail and describe it using two words, which would be: BLLLAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH TITS!!! Just don’t ask me to up the ante to three words please, or the last one will involve me shitting my pants.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Exhibit A: Is Andy Sidaris Gonna Have To Choke A Bitch?

Only contestants on Fear Factor, laying in a box of bugs while grinning like idiots in the hopes of earning a couple of bucks could possibly understand how she feels.

Donkey: Our escapades this week begin with a surprise bonus, rewarded to us as a result of watching Hard Ticket To Hawaii: SPECIAL EDITION! I know what you’re thinking: “Most ‘special editions’ consists of little more than charging me 10 extra dollars for the feature film and an image gallery of the director eating a sandwich, so what’s so special about this one?” Well it’s pretty much like that, but in this case the sandwich tastes an awful lot like herpes, as the movie starts with a brief introductory retrospective hosted by Andy Sidaris, the producer/director/writer/ball-fondler of this film and Julie Strain, some random porn star that agreed to sit and absorb his mildly creepy attention and horribly patronizing compliments – I’m shitting you negative, he actually compliments her for being able to read and, amazingly, her response isn’t to tell him to go play a round of hide-and-go-fuck-yourself. With all the magic of a prostitute/john relationship, together the two of them reveal that this is the second movie in a 12 part series that Sidaris had produced before giving us the incredible in-depth insight of staring at the movie’s poster while Sidaris points out how much he’d like to awkwardly fondle the people pictured there. I’m not sure who thought that what basically amounts to sitting and listening to your grandfather talk about the people he’d put on the business end of his Viagra-fueled hard-on would be a good idea, but if there’s any justice in this world, they’re strapped to a dentist chair right now having cat piss poured in their eyes while listening to Katrina and The Waves’ Walking On Sunshine on repeat.

Exhibit B: Hello. Have You Seen My Tits Yet?

This is also how she gets out of traffic tickets, buys groceries, and makes collect calls.

With that extra special bonus fart soufflé coming to an end, the movie itself begins with a two part prologue, opening on a yacht called the Malibu Express. Two of our main characters, Dona and Rowdy arbitrarily make out after Rowdy tries to convince Dona to turn down her reassignment to Molokai and instead stay with him on Malibu. Her thoughtful counterargument to his plea is to suddenly rip off her towel, revealing herself in what is the first of many unnecessary titty shots to come and establishing the level of intelligence that we’re going to be dealing with. And once the sounds of hot monkey love subside into the night, the film skips to the second act of our prologue on Molokai where two law enforcement officials walk onto the private property of a family infamous for growing pot, preparing to issue them their annual nominal fine to server as a gentle slap on the wrist before turning a blind eye to their operation. But when they get there, they find a whole new operation set up, run by dudes packing Uzis, the premier weapon of all villains in the 1980’s. Understandably weary, the cops decide to get the hell out of there only to be snagged and pulled up into a tree by a snare, proving this gang of criminals to have all the technological advancements of fucking Ewoks. Left hanging to be discovered like a couple of Wookies in short shorts, they’re shot dead without being asked so much as a single question. As important as all this sounds, the greatest aspect of this scene is that it has nothing to do with the rest of the movie. Nothing. Killing these cops has no consequence, and while the crime is briefly mentioned later, it has no direct effect on any single event in this film. So in other words, this film blatantly wasted 5 minutes of our lives. If only this was the only time we could make this claim…

That's right kids: if you have an ink jet printer, a few crates, and a lot of women willing to sell their dignity for coke money, you too can make a film!

Next the movie travels to a small airport hangar run by Molokai Cargo, filled with the finest mustache-sporting laborers that 1987 has to offer as they move around crates that have the opening credits printed on the side of them. Well, to be more specific, they have brown paper printouts of the credits taped onto the side of them. It’s a somewhat clever idea fairly poorly done, which still makes it the most brilliant aspect of this movie by a score of 184 to hotdog. But as that concludes, we bare witness to a forklift driver accidentally severing the metal straps that hold a “contaminated” sign on a very special crate. But just as our imaginations start to get the better of us and we begin shouting out our guesses as to what contaminated material lies within that crate – weapons grade plutonium? The frozen head of Walt Disney? The premier film copy of Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot? – the terrible secret is revealed: it’s a snake. But not just any snake. No, this snake is a deadly, bloodthirsty dispenser of…cancer. Yep, you read that correctly. It will later be revealed that this novelty store, rubber toy of a snake is dangerous because it’s contaminated with cancer. There just isn’t enough deodorant in this world for my taint to handle this.

We're only a backrub away from a much, much better movie.

After being introduced to one venomous reptile, we move on to another as Dona pulls up to a beachfront property to pick up her blonde partner, Taryn. And seeing as this movie is aimed squarely men who are either physically or mentally young enough to still consider the peek of pleasure to be rubbing the sharp cheddar factories that they call their crotch against their Thundercats bedspread, Taryn obviously stops as she runs up from the beach, arbitrarily taking off her bikini top to rinse off underneath an outdoor, tree-mounted showerhead right in front of Dona. At this rate I’m surprised that everyone in this movie doesn’t simply greet one another through an elaborate series of blowjobs. Once Taryn’s dressed, the two of them finally load into the Jeep and head off to work after yammering on about how “The Agency” wants them to be in shape at all times and giving one of history’s most awkward high fives. I have no idea what “The Agency” they’re referring to is, but from what I’ve seen so far, I think it’s fair to assume that they’re talking about an escort agency. Eventually they arrive at the Molokai Cargo hangar where their boss, a slimy middle-aged man named Dixon, assigns them the task of transporting a honeymooning couple and the crated snake via small aircraft. They load up and take off, giving us a series of long flying scenery shots while a horrible Firehouse cover band plays the Hard Ticket To Hawaii theme song. Although from what I’ve seen so far, instead of sharing the move’s title, the song should be called Dripping In My Pants (You Might Want To Get Checked): The Reprise. Eventually the plane lands in what looks to be someone’s back yard before our two blonde heroines guide their passengers down to a beach, telling the couple that they’ll be back to get them tomorrow.

While we try to figure out why in Brian Denehy’s hell a honeymooning couple would hire a cargo company to drop them off in the middle of nowhere, our attention switches to yet another yacht a short distance away, where we’re introduced very momentarily to an organized crime boss named Mr. Chang. Of course, the astute person watching this movie will notice that this man named Chang is actually a blonde white dude, so allow me to explain: he took that name after strangling his first Asian prostitute, giving him both untraceable anonymity and a moniker slightly more suited to organized crime than Chauncey Featherbottom. He stands looking like he’s about to turn on the proverbial chili tap in his tighty whities while an assist begins to fly a small toy helicopter towards the shore, officially beginning either some ill-conceived diabolical plan or the first game of Evil Fun Time.

Next up, carrier pidgeons.

Sometimes it's easy to see the motivation behind someone being a villain. After all, these two look like the get about as much play as a Streisand album at a KKK rally.

Once the small craft actually reaches the island, it ventures into the path of our two blonde heroines, who follow it until it finally lands. Upon further inspection, they find that it is carrying two small packages inside. But before they can open them to discover their contents, two goons appear on the scene. The first is a remarkably fat dude whom we’ll refer to as the Hamsteak Philosopher, while the second is a short, mustache-emblazoned blonde runt in Bermuda shorts that we will hereby dub as the Sodomy Assassin. They burst onto the scene, raising their guns and demanding that the women freeze before just opening fire on them anyways. But our blonde heroines aren’t just wearing their Batman-like utility belts to keep their short-shorts riding so high that the home audience can easily perform a pap smear, so they respond with deadly force of their own. Taryn pulls out a set of nunchuks and throws them at the Sodomy Assassin, which is far enough away from the intended use for nunchuks that she might as well have held up an overripe banana and just wished for her assailant to die from the sheer power of love, while Dona weakly tosses a ninja star that lodges in the chest of the Hamsteak Philosopher, not quite embedding it deeply enough to puncture an artery and cause an eruption of beef gravy. So I guess these chicks are ninjas, huh? The world’s all-time shittiest ninjas, appearing just beneath Mel “The Velvet Fog” Torme on that list, but ninjas nonetheless. In all the commotion, Taryn manages to slip one of the packages into her bra, while the second one drops unnoticed in the grass just before the women flee the scene. They jump back into their plane and take off insanely quickly, apparently content to leave the young honeymooners that they dropped off within walking distance of two cranky thugs without so much as a word of warning. And as those thugs stand helplessly watching the packages they were supposed to receive fly away packed in silicone, they lament the fact that they will soon have to face their boss, Seth, empty handed. On the upside, even a merciless boss has to concede that telling any story that ends with a throwing star in your neck adds instant hilarity, making you the life of any party and giving you charisma that no diamonds could buy.

Exhibit C: Intrigue! Quick, Let’s Pull Out Our Tits!

OOOOHHHHH SHINY!

We catch up with our heroines again moments later, as they once again land their plane in what appears to be someone’s backyard before pulling it into a Denny’s parking lot. Struggling to come to grips with what the hell just happened to them, the duo decide that their best course of action is dump their snake cargo into a nearby hangar before going to the place where they do their deepest contemplating: their Jacuzzi. This is so deeply offensive to women that I’m surprised one of them didn’t remark that she can’t think straight without an anonymous penis shooting brain juice down her throat. But frankly, the entire scene only gets worse as they get into a hot tub completely topless for yet another unnecessary titty shot. Eventually they open the package that they recovered from the toy plane and discover that it contains diamonds. Realizing they’re easily identifiable, being the only women flying around the island, Dona declares that they’re in trouble and need to report to Rowdy, causing them to spring into action and jump right back out of the tub. So just to put that into context, this scene, which lasted all of 20 seconds, consisted of them jumping into a tub for the sole purpose of showing their tits, declaring that they need a man to come save them, and then jump right back out again. You’re welcome, feminists.

While the blonde tragedies tackle the hardest thinking they’ve had to do since their last encounter with a revolving door, the plot begins to thicken at a bar called Edy’s, the local spot where everyone gets together to share Pin Coladas and Valtrex prescriptions. After the brief distraction of Andy Sedaris himself trying to assure some random chick that would never actually sleep with him how much she means to him despite the fact that he tried to rape her last night, the movie finally settles its attention on a vaguely Spanish man whom we discover is the crime boss Seth Romero. When he spots his two henchmen, the Hamsteak Philosopher and the Sodomy Assassin, wandering up to the bar from the beach while looking rather dejected, he demands to know what happened. Upon hearing the story, Seth displays super-human power by somehow managing to resist the urge to laugh hysterically at the entire situation and instead quickly surmises that their skirmish was the two blonde yeast factories from Molokai Cargo. But seeing as these two have proven to be rather useless, he decides to instead send two new assassins to take care of the job.

Douches.

Since our female leads have already declared themselves incapable of handling a dark Hawaiian underworld so vicious that it was turned away by throwing a set of nunchuks at it, it’s time to meet the men of steel that will save them from despair. These two monuments to penile dominance also belong to the ’87 All-Star line-up of the Shitty Character Name League as we begin with Rowdy, whom we met briefly in the prologue, before meeting a dude named Jade who happens to sport one of the greatest ponytails that an 8 year old girl could hope to have. They practice their martial arts on the deck of the Malibu Express, and by ‘practice’ I mean speaking in the most offensive Asian accent that I could possibly imagine while squawking like freshly raped chickens and spouting parodied Confucius sayings that pose as big of a threat to the realm of comedy as a nuclear bomb of Jewish jokes at a Schindler’s List retrospective, proving that obviously neither of them actually know a thing about any martial art. But while they bask in the tepid glow of accomplishing nothing, some dude rolls up the pier on a motorized bike, delivering a sandwich with a note inside. After reading it and declaring that they’ve got trouble in paradise, Rowdy carefully folds the note back up, puts about a quarter of the way back in the sandwich and then light it on fire. The note burns instantly, hurting neither the sandwich or container in the slightest, begging the question of why the fuck they bothered to put it back rather than just burning the note on its own.

Exhibit D: Don’t Ask Me, I’m Just A Girl

Now that's a description of Rowdy's junk that I can believe.

Before our iron giants of masculinity can arrive to save the helpless vixens, however, Seth Romero’s deadly plan begins to take shape. As Taryn shows off her collection of spy movie posters to Dona (fuck, only a man could possibly think that women would be that into spy movies), she points out her newest additions, including the poster for Malibu Express, the previous movie in this very series of Andy Sidaris films. I’ll say that again to really be clear about this; the film contains the movie poster of its prequel directly in the damn film, and it’s not a joke. I’m not quite sure what kind of bizarre meta statement this scene’s trying to achieve, but I’m quite certain it’s far too intellectual for anyone who worked on this movie unless it can be explained via pop-up book. And turning from one ridiculous concept to another, Taryn then asks Dona what Rowdy is like…you know…wink, wink. Psstt…I’m not sure, but I think she’s referring to his raisin scone baking skills. Dona replies by shrugging and saying that he’s only four inches…FROM THE GROUND! Hahaha – that’s not physically possible unless he doesn’t happen to have any fucking legs. But just as they begin to retire for the night, both fully aware that Dona’s blatant exaggeration is obviously covering for a 2 inch MacTavish, assailants cut the home’s phone line and jump each woman, demanding that they hand over the diamonds. This male and female combination is the other duo of Seth goons, whom we’ll refer to as the Nocturnal Emissions of Death, or NEDs. After luring her opposing NED out to the hangar for a brief grappling match that results in nothing more than the deadly cancer snake being freed from its cage while Taryn is held captive by the she-NED putting nunchuks to her throat like they’re a goddamn knife, the two blondes and the NEDs end up back in the house where Taryn ends up finally handing over the diamonds. The goons demand the second box, but before they can discover that the blondes don’t have it, they’re interrupted by the girlish screams of Seth, who happens to be waiting outside when he spots the snake slithering around in the distance. Warning that they’ll be back, the NEDs flee to make sure that their prepubescent boss hasn’t stressed his way into inducing his first period while Dona grabs a gun, runs out after them and fires a single shot, hitting Seth right in the fucking face as they all try to pile into a car. But while that ordeal comes to a hilarious end, our heroines get even more bad news when they head back into the hangar and discover that the snake is gone just moments before getting a call from Dixon, whom explains that they were mistakenly given the one infected with cancer.

Once again deciding that anything beyond baking a batch of delicious cookies or faking enthusiasm while touching their ankles to their ears is too much for them to handle on their own, Dona and Taryn decide to seek help at Edy’s, arriving there and being directed to her private corner booth. Of course, they end up sitting down in front of her at a table in the middle of the goddamn floor, which is neither a corner nor a booth, but whatever. I guess it could have been worse and had they went out and met her in her car. After ordering drinks and inquiring about any information that Edy may have in regards to diamonds or Seth, they head back to her private office together to make a phone call when the scene takes a brief detour through the ghettos of CrazyFuckTown, USA. We head over to another area of the bar where we’re introduced to Jimmy John Jackson, or the J-Cube, a sports caster who sits down with two random football players. After giving them an insanely long speech about random vitamins and their benefits, he crams a fistful of them down his throat and chugs some water while one football player then comments that he loves soul food while the other heartily agrees, even though they aren’t sitting in front of food of any kind. And that’s it. That’s the scene. The icing on the goddamn cake is that if you look in the credits, the name of both these football characters is actually “Soul Food Lover”. That’s just goddamn outstanding.

The dialogue in this movie is so stupid that Michelle didn't notice that instead of the phone she was actually tapping into the weather channel for 45 minutes.

Back in the bar’s office, the three women call Rowdy and Jade, updating them on the situation and getting their assurance that they’ll be there to handle the situation as only manly men of manliness can do, just before we discover two important things. First, a random chick working at the bar named Michelle taps the phone line and listens in on their conversation before calling back to Seth to report her findings, revealing that there’s a hole in the exceptionally tight security of a fucking bar. And secondly, this movie will stop at nothing to manufacture reasons to show you tits. As the three women emerge from the office and go their separate ways, we discover that Taryn either knows the J-Cube or she really is a whore, as she walks over to flirt with him for a moment when it suddenly cuts to the two of them on a beach, drinking champagne before she strips down to only her panties while they make out. What the fuck is going on? That was ridiculously fast. It’s almost like all she had to do was say magic words like, “They’re going into remission”. Of course, since this is soft-core, they two of them don’t actually have sex as much as they just make out for 4 hours topless while dry humping each others’ thighs. What a magical scene. But just when you think that was so completely random that it might as well have been narrated by Brutus The Barber Beefcakes, the end of the scene cuts to a shot of the snake going through random grass for no particular reason before getting back to the two lovebirds, cleaning up after what was assuredly a four hour exercise in disappointment.

Hello, miss, pleased to meet...whoa, hey!

Exhibit E: The Age Old Battle Of Goons VS Useless Bags Of Cocksnot Rages On

The movie returns the next day, where we begin what may be one of the greatest scenes in shitty movie history. Our two soldiers of destiny, Rowdy and Jade, finally arrive on the island, where they load their shit into a Jeep that Edy left for them and drive into the Molokai Wildlife Park for reasons I couldn’t begin to tell you. But as they casually cruise up the desolate road, they suddenly see a dude coming towards them on a skateboard while doing a handstand. They watch him pass, joining the rest of the world in wondering what the fuck that’s all about, until the dude disappears from their sight. And as that dude comes to a stop down the road somewhere behind them, we see it’s actually the Sodomy Assassin, one of Seth’s men from the beginning of the movie. He meets his cohort, the Hamsteak Philosopher, who’s sitting on the side of the road in a small truck. After he jumps in the back, the two of them take off, turning around and eventually speeding past our two heroes who still have no idea what the fuck is going on. Then once they get far enough ahead, the thugs pull over once again, and the Hamsteak Philosopher hands the Sodomy Assassin a rifle and a fucking blow-up sex doll, telling him to go get them. So as it cuts back to our two heroes still driving casually in their Jeep, they once again notice this dude coming at them, this time holding a rifle and a fucking blow up doll. As he gradually gets close, the Sodomy Assassin fires, hitting the Jeep’s tire which somehow causes shrapnel to fly up and hit Jade in the chest, right where his fucking heart would be were he human, rather than a cyborg from the future manufactured out of synthesized awesome. Rowdy asks how bad it is as Jade clutches the instantly bleeding would, to which Jade replies that he’s been better, but he’ll live. Now that would have been insane enough, punching our face right in the vagina with unabashed random hilarity, but it only gets better. Finally annoyed enough to act, our heroes decide to “get that turkey” by backing up their Jeep right into the Sodomy Assassin, who is just spinning in circles on his skateboard a few feet behind them for reasons that are giving me colon cancer just contemplating. And as he flies into the air from the impact of being hit by a Jeep after 6 feet of acceleration, Rowdy somehow has the time to pull out a goddamn rocket launcher and fire, hitting the still hanging Sodomy Assassin in midair and blowing him up in a massive fireball. But as if that level of insanity wasn’t enough, Rowdy then turns and also fires at the blow up doll, which is also flying through the open sky, destroying it with yet another massive explosion and officially raping our throats with the chorus of gut wrenching laughter. When Jade asks why the hell he used a rocket launcher, Rowdy replies that it’s the only gun he can hit a moving target with. Really? The only one? That makes you an exceptionally useless action hero, doesn’t it?

The only way to truly describe the awesome of this scene is in a language that no one but Van Damme can hear.

Taking a break from the journey of random insanity that our heroes find themselves on, the movie checks in with the honeymooning couple left on the island, since any viewer would have forgotten about these entirely pointless characters by now unless they were writing a thesis on this film to get their doctorate in Refined Shit Tasting. As the groom takes Polaroids of his bride in a bikini on the beach, he moves around to get a better angle only to have the snake lunge at him. He screams, realizing his cancerous doom is at hand as the scene cuts away, once again leaving us in amazement that they’d even bother with any of this bullshit.

If you're asking yourself why they bothered to have a tranny in this movie and not just a regular woman spying on them, you're already 50 IQ points ahead and 345 paint chips behind the target audience.

After getting Jade patched up at a nearby doctor’s office, he and Rowdy call back to Edy’s, explaining the ridiculous events they had endured while Michelle once again listens in. Deciding to pick them up herself, Edy emerges from her office and tells Michelle that she’ll be gone for a while before going into the back and getting out of her dress, changing into another outfit and giving us probably the most blatantly unnecessary titty shot yet. Of course, after she leaves Michelle calls back to report to Seth and makes arrangements to follow her, before heading into the back herself and running into a completely random chick that is, of course, topless. But that’s not even as fucking weird as things get, as once that chick leaves Michelle pulls off her wig to reveal that she’s actually a dude named Michael, and an exceptionally balding one at that. Once he’s changed into his dude clothes, Michael runs out front of the bar to meet the previously introduced NEDs in a van. Together they try to cut her off, failing to do so pretty miserably before eventually catching up to her running Edy off the road. Like strangers with candy, they grab her and toss her into the back of their van.

Holy shit. That's a camera? Really? I thought she was packing around a goddamn VCR.

While other members of their team are being attacked by sex doll equipped punks or molested by NEDs in a van, Dona and Taryn take a more low key approach and begin their reconnaissance of Seth Romero’s compound. Hiding a safe distance down the beach, they use binoculars and the shitty Sony Walkman equivalent of a video camera to watch as some random chick runs up to a guard posted on the beach of Seth’s place and begins tossing a Frisbee around with this dude, who doesn’t even bother taking off the machine gun strapped to him for the game. Just to be clear, this random girl isn’t any kind of secret agent, undercover police officer, or animatronic vagina designed by Seth as a way of maintaining goon job satisfaction. This is just a random chick who doesn’t find it the least bit strange to run up and play Frisbee with a guy holding a fucking Uzi. Eventually their attention turns as they notice a chopper landing in Seth’s yard and watch as Seth gets out of it just in time to address Edy, whom is dragged up by his fearsome NEDs and then taken to the house. Dona and Taryn then take off, declaring that they need to find Rowdy and Jade fast. Of course. God forbid you do anything yourselves. After pulling over to use a payphone, Dona reveals to Taryn that not only has she left a message for the boys, but she’s also recognized Michelle as the tranny that she is after seeing spotting him holding Edy back at Seth’s place, explaining that she recognized his cigarette and pinkie ring. From a distance. Through a video camera. Fuck off. After deciding that must be why Edy’s surveillance of Seth wasn’t working, the two girls make one last stop on their way home, driving back to pick up the honeymooners. But as they approach the scene, they make a grisly discovery that, surprisingly, doesn’t prompt them to show off their tits. Seeing the bride’s corpse first, they proceed to find the groom’s body in a patch of long grass along with his camera. Finding a Polaroid stuck inside, they pull it out to discover that it’s a perfectly framed shot of the snake lunging in attack.

Mock all you want, but this glam shot got the snake a three picture deal.

The only way to truly follow up on the unnecessary is with the completely arbitrary, so the movie once again returns to Edy’s bar where Rowdy and Jade receive Dona’s message and head straight to her house after borrowing a car. But seeing as that could have been shot in approximately 7 seconds, the rest of the scene is fleshed out by another appearance by the J-Cube. For some reason he’s doing an interview from a goddamn bar, going live on national TV to once again speak with two other football players. I don’t know what the fuck football has to do with any of this, or why all these goddamn football players are even on the Hawaiian Islands considering they don’t have a football team, but whatever. He asks the two chaps about a certain play, laying it out in a huge, detailed description before trying to penetrate the intellect of the elite jockaucracy by asking what was said to the rest of the team in the huddle before that moment. Their response?

Football Douche Numero Uno: “Well Jimmy John, all I said was niggers go deep and whites keep them out if you can on two.”

Football Douche Numbero Dos: “Jimmy, motherfucker’s crazy but he sure can throw.”

Goddamn it. Why do we have to watch this? If I wanted to watch someone I don’t know fail miserably at a task that I’m not sure why they’re doing, I’d rather just turn on Pimp My Dialysis Machine.

Exhibit F: Grab A Tube Sock, Its Time For The Climax!

Apparently Seth has a penchant for female minions who secretly have testicles.

With all the pleasantries out the door, the movie finally gets down to business, alternating between the heroes and villains as they prepare for an ultimate showdown every bit as epic as a fruitiest dancing competition between the Backstreet Boys and the California Raisins. It begins at Dona’s house, where after a quick shot of the snake crawling into a random pipe in the lawn, reminding us of its continual and highly improbable threat, our heroes finally merge to dip their rancid chunks of uselessness into a giant fondue of failure. After briefly discussing the situation, Dona and Rowdy sneak off to her office so that she can show him the tape of the random girl playing Frisbee with one of Seth’s men, whom Rowdy identifies as a man named Shades. First, nice name, asshole. What kind of dicktip suggests that people call him Shades just because he sports a pair of sweet aviators? Me, actually, from now on. And secondly, why do I care what this dude’s name is in the first place? Are they going to introduce every random henchman before killing him? “This is Burt Saunders. He likes slow dancing, candlelight dinners, and strangling hookers in the park. His turn-ons are vanilla perfume and the feeling of shag carpet on his taint, while his turn-offs include heli-skiing and trigonometry. Oh…and now he’s dead.” But of course, after watching a tape of two retards tossing a Frisbee, the two lovers surrender to temptations of the flesh, making out like tweens while Jade and Taryn wait awkwardly in the living room. But while the heroes prepare, back at Seth’s house the villains continues to interrogate Edy, still searching for the lost diamonds. Suddenly it cuts to the female NED, clad in a nary but a tiny bikini and a lot of cooking oil, doing a muscle-flexing routine with a pair of nunchuks as a prop, making yet another person who is obviously unaware of how they actually work. And as Seth leaves to report back to Mr. Chang, he leaves the she-NED to beat some answers out of Edy. But while she cries out in pain, it intercuts between Edy’s cries of pain and Rowdy crying out in pleasure as Dona appears to be doing little more than leaning on his junk. When it all comes to what is probably quite literally a blistering climax, Dona and Rowdy end up cuddled together naked when she asks what he’s feeling. His epic response?

For everyone who ever wondered why JT had to bring sexy back, it's because these two beat it to death with a fucking tire iron.

Rowdy: “One man’s dream in another man’s lunch.”

Seriously, what the fuck does that even mean? With the proceeds from Rowdy’s junk squishing glee likely running down Dona’s leg, the two of them head back to the living room and join Jade and Taryn, sputtering out some horrible excuse about how they took longer than they thought because they stopped to have something to eat. Taryn jokes that next time perhaps Rowdy shouldn’t chew his food so loud, giving them all an awkward giggle that, had the scene not switched over, would have been the surefire beginning of an 80′s dry humping orgy of immeasurable proportions. But instead it travels back at Seth’s house, ending the scene with him on the phone with Mr. Chang, talking about some kind of deal that they give no details about. It could involve the diamonds, drugs, or Glo Worms. There’s no way of knowing and at this point, frankly we don’t care. Seth remarks that agents are crawling everywhere, to which Mr. Chang ends the scene by calmly advising him to kill them all.

The showdown begins the next day with the four shitheads preparing their arsenal, which includes a fucking Frisbee with razorblades stuck around its edge that looks every bit as shitty as you would imagine if I told you that an unpaid intern made it for the prop department 15 minutes before the scene was to be shot. And the movie doesn’t waste any time putting this item of madness to use as once again we see the random girl running towards Shades, Seth’s machine gun toting guard, for a game of Frisbee when Rowdy suddenly jogs up and joins her. Shades is, of course, suspicious of this random guy, but concedes and allows Rowdy to show him what he can do, because apparently tossing a fucking Frisbee around on a beach is the best street cred these assholes could think of. After tossing it back and forth for a couple of minutes, taking their casual game so seriously that you’d think they had bet the life of their first born on it, Shades decides it’s time to really get down to business and moves to take off his gun. Seeing his opportunity to unleash his dollar store version of the disks from Tron, Rowdy tells the random chick to take off, showing her a gun before tossing her Frisbee away. And just to add more evidence in the mounting case that he’s a complete jackass, he watches the chick walk away for a moment before yelling after her that she has a great ass. Once she’s gone, Rowdy and Shades start tossing a black Frisbee around before Rowdy switches it with his razorblade Frisbee of death. In extra dramatic slow motion, he tosses it at Shades’ waiting face, supposedly cutting off his fingers before slicing his throat. At least that’s what I think red food coloring flying everywhere while Shades holds the Frisbee by his neck is supposed to be. You know, this whole thing seems way too complicated. Why not just save everyone a lot of time a shoot this asshole from a distance? It’s not like there was any benefit to carrying out this farce, save sheer unadulterated comedy.

Dudes who take Frisbee this damn seriously get what they deserve.

With a ridiculous hole punched into the perimeter security of Seth’s compound, Rowdy rejoins Jade and Taryn in a Jeep as Dona sails in on a small motorized hang glider. As the Jeep charges into Seth’s courtyard, Dona drops noise grenades from above, which serves absolutely no purpose beyond announcing their arrival to everyone within a 249 mile radius. Luckily for them the three heroes jump out of the Jeep and start firing at the massive flood of ONE random thug that comes pouring out of Seth’s place, and yet it still somehow takes about a dozen shots to kill that one dude. Once he’s dead, they continue inside while Dona lands from doing nothing to step it up and do even more nothing. Jade enters the building first, carrying what appears to be another goddamn grenade launcher, which might be the least intelligent choice possible when it comes to the close quarters fighting that you’d be doing inside a home, barring some kind of goth teen suicide pact. In the first room he comes to, he’s met by a random dude that’s courteous enough to come up behind him and tell him to freeze. Yes, because criminal organizations, especially when being invaded in their own base of operations, have a habit of showing a remarkable amount of restraint. I’m surprised that this asshole didn’t serve Jade cookies at the same time. But while the two of them stand in uncomfortable confusion, Rowdy awkwardly kicks in the front door before then kicking the gun out of the random dude’s hand while he just stands there, practically begging to be disarmed. But just then Jade declares, “he’s mine”, handing the rocket launcher to Rowdy and prompting for him to continue on. And to begin this colossal battle of obscurity, Jade declares:

Jade: “Life’s a bitch and then you die.”

Seriously? A completely unrelated, clichéd catch phrase? That might just be the laziest fucking writing I’ve ever seen. He might as well have said, “I hate Mondays” or “Give a hoot, don’t pollute”. And after quickly switching to the building’s exterior to show Taryn shooting Michael the Cross-dresser dead, the battle begins as Jade has somehow becomes equipped with metal claws on his hands. Apparently not only will this random thug casually stand by and let you kick the gun out of his hand, but he’ll also patiently wait as you strap on your choice instruments of death. The fight predictably lasts about 20 seconds, ending with Jade using the claws to slash his opponent’s throat just after saying, “and then you die!”, because the only thing better than saying an unrelated catch phrase is half an unrelated catch phrase. He then hurries to catch up with Rowdy, whom has made his way into the room where Edy is tied up. And just as the male-NED enters and begins firing on Rowdy with impunity, Rowdy responds with the rocket launcher. But for some reason hitting the NED from about 10 feet away doesn’t cause a massive explosion that envelopes the entire building, instead simply pushing the dude out a nearby window. After smiling like a jackass, Rowdy is joined by Jade, who finishes the immeasurably idiotic scene by moving to free Edy only after taking a moment to joke about leaving her tied up so that he can get a midget and a whip together for some kinky sex.

Notice that the thug didn't even explode when hit by a rocket. Hey might as well have been pushed through the wall by a stern look.

Back outside, our almost forgotten Hamsteak Philosopher appears on the scene with some random blonde chick that we’ve never seen up to this point, attempting to flee in a helicopter while firing on Rowdy and Dona. But as they try to lift off, Dona takes the rocket launcher from Rowdy and fires, hitting the helicopter and causing a massive explosion. So for those people keeping track, rocket + dude = nothing, but rocket + helicopter = nuclear winter-sized mushroom cloud. And even though it seems like they really haven’t done much of anything, at this point our heroes stop and cheer a job exceptionally badly done before piling into a van, leaving only Dona to head back to her place by herself for some reason. But just as they’re driving away, someone finally notice that no one saw or, more importantly, killed Seth, which means that yes, they accomplished nothing. Seeing the obvious danger to come, Rowdy suddenly bursts out the back of the van on a dirt bike, racing off to catch up with Dona.

"Ferris?"...."Bueller!"...

At this point the movie transforms from late night skin flick to more of a late night infomercial. Sure, you’ve seen what is supposed to be the climax of the film, so how much would you pay to own this cinematic kidney stone forever in Laserdisc or audio book format? How about three easy installments of $49.95 and a piece of your immortal soul! BUT WAIT! Don’t answer yet! Act now and we’ll throw in an additional scene tacked on to the end of the movie, back at Dona’s house: She walks out of her bathroom only to be grabbed by Seth, who demands to be given the diamonds while waving a switchblade around with the ferocity of a newborn puppy in a fitted rain slicker. Unsurprisingly, Dona manages to struggle free from him rather easily before turning the tables. First she blasts Seth in the chest with a harpoon gun and then proceeds to beat on him for good measure, not stopping until he seems to be kind of, sort of, but not actually dead. Then after Dona takes a break to go to the fridge – because yeah, who wouldn’t be a little peckish after having engaged in a life or death struggle only seconds ago – she somehow senses that Seth is waiting around the corner, preparing an ambush while she stands icing her nipples. So Dona engages him again, managing this time to avoid being stabbed in silicone and instead stabbing him in the gut with his own knife. Somehow thinking that a knife to the stomach is immediately fatal, she then leaves the room again, electing this time to hide in the bathroom. And that’s when things get completely insane. As she sits on the floor by the toilet, she goes to flush just as the toilet fucking EXPLODES with light and the snake rises out of it, shattering the bowl like it’s a goddamn egg shell. Screaming, Dona gets the hell out of the bathroom just as Seth gets back up again, thinking that she’s still in there. He grabs the knife out of his gut and goes to finish her off, but once he gets near the door, the snake lunges and FINALLY kills him, apparently proving that a faster method of murder than a harpoon gun, blunt force trauma, or a knife to the stomach is fucking cancer. Alone with the snake in her living room now, Dona grabs a gun and shoots it multiple times directly in the mouth, which somehow manages to do absolutely nothing to it other than perhaps chipping its dental work. But just as all seems lost, Rowdy bursts into the room, smashing through a wall on his motorbike before jumping off and firing his rocket launcher, hitting the snake in the head and blowing up it up in yet another underwhelming explosion. As they cuddle, she explains that it came from the toilet, to which he quips:

Rowdy: “Just when you thought it was safe to take a pee.”

Goddamn. However wrote this doesn’t have the imagination necessary to pump out a menu for IHOP.

Sure the rocket launcher is ridiculous, but why does she have backlighting and dry ice in her toilet?

Damn, I knew I should have paid that extra grand to build a reception area!

I know what you’re thinking. Surely all those unnecessary tits AND an additional bout of snake exploding insanity must be enough to drive the price of any other movie up to six installments of infinite gold, BUT WAIT! There’s more! Act now and Hard Ticket To Hawaii will throw in one last moment of awesomeness free of charge, as the next day our heroes are all loaded into a limo when they arrive at an office and/or apartment building. Ready for action, Rowdy and Dona head up to the penthouse of the building to confront Chang, the evil mastermind that’s so important to the film that he’s had about 28 seconds of screen time. And even though this is supposed to be the head of an organized crime gang, they manage to stroll directly into his ten feet by ten feet office, which has all the class and decorum of a toxic waste facilities broom closet. When the one fucking bodyguard gets up to stop them, Dona slips Rowdy a set of nunchuks, which he promptly uses to beat the dude to death like it’s a fucking club. Alone but not entirely helpless, Chang faces Rowdy and Dona as they whip out guns and pulls the classic “sword in the cane” trick, then takes it to a new level of shitheadedness previously unheard of by throwing it at them like a fucking dart in a Scottish pub. Naturally he misses and in response they simply shoot him in the face, sending him flying straight out the window behind him, plummeting down to the delight of the rest of our heroes waiting on the ground below. And with that, our scene ends.

And with that, our movie finally reaches its conclusion as the Super Friends end up back on the Malibu Express, sipping champagne and discussing their unfortunate moral responsibility of turning in the diamonds. But Taryn points out that unlike the rest of them, she’s technically not a federal agent, so since the owners are all dead, the diamonds belong to her. She says that she’s going to sell them and share the proceeds with her friends. And if those friends had half a brain in their head, they’d realize that the only way that she could move diamonds in that large a quantity, especially ones obtained illegally, would be to sell them exactly as Seth was planning to do, and probably even to the same people. So technically, they should probably just prevent the rise of another criminal mastermind and shoot her in the head right now. But instead, they all toast the undoubtedly illegal activity that their friend is about to engage in before the credits finally roll, or are stuck to boxes, to be accurate.

The Verdict:

Donkey: What can you say about a movie that has a cancerous snake, a skateboarding assassin with a lonely man’s mistress and a Civil War era musket, and more tits than tea time in Caligula’s palace? It’s got it all. The only thing that keeps this from being a truly epic shitty movie is the argument that, as a skin flick, it never really intended to be very good in the first place. It’s kind of like watching an actual porno and wondering why every single plot point involves someone choking on balls. And while that’s true, the undeniable hilarity of this film cannot be ignored. I give it four and a half unnecessarily exposed tits out of five I love soul food! Delicious!

What We Learned:

Donkey: Nunchuks can be used as a knife, club, boomerang, or interpretive dance prop, so long as you’re enough of an idiot to have never seen how their actually meant to be used before in your life. Oh, and BLLLLLAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH TITS!!!

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Eric Roberts makes his triumphant return in the movie that was literally name after his majesty…BEST OF THE BEST.

Back To The Main Page.

I can feel it, alright. Right in the scrotum.

Donkey: If the movie Twins taught us only one lesson, it’s that surly dwarves guiding over-sized man-children though the pratfalls of day to day existence under the guise of miraculously being closer in relation than an army ant and a line dancing animatronic Billy Ray Cyrus from the future can be mildly amusing. And in the land of Hollywood, that mild amusement somehow translates into consent for the these same two fellows to rape our collective brains with a movie about said over-sized man-child carrying a baby in the horribly muscle-bound death cage that he calls a womb. If it taught us two things, which is kind of a stretch by anyone’s measure, it would be that apart from thanklessly and often needlessly killing things, Arnold Schwarzenegger is only good for laughing at himself, which I have to give him credit for. After all, despite being a horrible flop at the box office, I think Last Action Hero is one of his funniest and overall best movies. But if you had to try to pull a third lesson from its near lifeless claws of comic mediocrity, you could say that it reinforced the notion that twin siblings share a special bond that can never be broken.

Like JCVD, or Jesus herpes if you will, that’s a bond that I’ll never get to experience. Being the middle child of three boys, I can certainly relate to having siblings, but neither of them are as close as a twin; quite the opposite, actually. Unbearably pompous, undeniably loathsome, and unashamed of publicly simmering in a stew of their own droopy old man balls and blatant inadequacy, I prefer to keep my brothers about as close to me a jar of hissing scorpions with AIDS-filled stingers. Can’t wait to see you at Christmas, motherfuckers! But unlike me, some tiny little detail like reality is not going to stop JCVD from unleashing double the Van Dammage upon the Earth. And while a council of top scientists has confirmed that actually having two JCVDs in the world would cause it to collapse upon itself in the inevitable black hole of awesomeness that would be created, poorly executed movie magic is perfect for simulating those disaster conditions. So with that, let’s take a closer look at Double Impact.

(Editor’s note: Since many people are about as good at spotting sarcasm as they are a Sasquatch, I’ll state for the record that everything I said about my brothers was actually a lie. We’re actually quite close. Well, except for the old man balls thing. That’s totally true.)

The Plot:

Donkey: Separated at birth after their parents are betrayed and murdered by a business associate, the twin brothers Van Damme are reunited 25 years later to exact their revenge and claim what’s rightfully theirs. But before they can take on the Hong Kong underworld, they’ll have to find a way to put aside their comically mismatched dong punching differences and collective inability to form a coherent thought to work together as a team.

So in other words, it’s kind of like a buddy-cop film with less Danny Glover and more Van Damme giving himself a high five for two straight hours. If that doesn’t tickle your sense of awesome, then you’ve clearly replaced your ball sack with a hot cheddar cheese pump. And while that might ensure that you’re a hit at the next Superbowl party you go to, eventually the nachos will run out leaving you to realize that you’ve chosen poorly.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Exhibit A: Betrayal Is A Dish Best Served Phenomenally Confusing

Papa Van Damme (right) laments over how much more money he could have made selling giant novelty scissors for ribbon-cutting ceremonies.

Donkey: Our cinematic adventure this week begins with the motivation behind JCVD’s ball showcasing splits of glory by detailing the epic downfall of his parents. We’re introduced to them at the same time as the movie reveals the object of pure desire that they are betrayed and killed for. But in an epic journey featuring a lethal dose of sweetness such as this, what could possibly stand as a grand enough prize for those involved? A fortune of lost pirates’ gold? The world’s most priceless piece of art? A freight train full of diamonds laced with heroin? Fuck that. This movie steps it up a notch with…a tunnel. That’s right; the central conflict of this movie is going to be based around a public transportation project. Specifically it’s the new Victoria Harbor Tunnel in Hong Kong. After witnessing the ribbon cutting ceremony performed by Papa Van Damme and his business partner, Griffith, we warp to that night as the twin babies of ultimate destruction are being driven home by their parents, who send their family bodyguard, Frank, home for the night. But just after their cars part ways, Papa VD notices that they are being followed. Upon hearing the news, Frank realizes that trouble is afoot and races to catch up to them. But before he can reach them, the family pulls into the driveway of their home to find a group of men waiting for them whom quickly open fire, eventually killing the Papa VD and the Invincible Vagina (so named because popping two JCVDs out of that thing is a task no mortal vagina could handle). But before they can finish the job and assassinate the Wonder Twins in the back of the car, Frank pulls up and opens fire, holding them at bay long enough for the family’s nanny to flee with one of the kids. Grabbing the other child himself, Frank darts through nearby bushes to escape, pausing only momentarily to discover Papa VD’s business partner, Griffith, just hanging around and watching the assassination, because apparently establishing an alibi is for chumps. The prologue ends with the nanny dropping off the one child at an orphanage run by French nuns, giving us a convenient excuse for JCVD’s accent. Meanwhile, apparently uninterested in spending so much as 10 minutes looking for the other child, Frank heads back to the US to raise the one boy himself.

Exhibit B: Brother, Can You Spare A Dime? And Maybe Put Those Goddamn Balls Away?

I don't think it's possible to showcase your balls any better than that.

25 years later, we journey into the synth-pop hustle and bustle of LA in the early 90’s where we discover JCVD 1, or Chad, running a gym/martial arts dojo/gay pride parade planning facility, covering for his obviously flamboyant lifestyle by lecturing women on the importance of stretching while literally doing the splits and bouncing his balls on the floor in front of them in the expressed purpose of impressing them. But as the women drool over the image of what could be the ultimate tea bagging experience, Frank interrupts and asks him to go take care of a problem in one of their karate classes. As he gets up to assure Frank that he’s got everything under control, we get to see that JCVD’s tight pastel blue leotard is giving him fucking ball cleavage, or dude camel toe. I would try to describe to you the horror of this sight, but until human language produces a word that causes both your brain and scrotum to burst upon utterance, I’m afraid I’m destined to fail in any attempt. So instead I can only assure you that I just threw up in my mouth even in merely remembering this scene. But after going in to the karate class kick a new recruit in the face for being a douche and trying to prove how badass he is by beating on fellow class members (which would get you summarily removed from any self-respecting martial arts organization), Chad is called up to the office where Frank has just finished meeting with a private investigator who found the lost twin brother, JCVD 2. Frank then takes the opportunity to reveal that he’s not actually Chad’s uncle, and that while he was raised in France, Chad wasn’t born there (keep in mind he doesn’t give a single reason for raising him in France, other than yet another convenient reason for the accent). But as Chad reels from the information that he probably should have been given years ago, Frank asks simply that Chad trust him, and just like that, they’re off to Hong Kong.

I stand corrected.

Once they land, Frank and Chad don’t bother to fuck around and instead jump straight into a cab heading to a Mahjong Parlor run by the other Van Damme, the twin known as Alex. They arrive shortly after a scene of Chad pointing out random markets and lights that don’t mean much of anything, which you wouldn’t think would impress a guy from LA unless he’s certifiably rubberheaded, and head straight into the joint. Chad, wearing an awesome pastel green shirt and pink short shorts, is immediately mistaken for Alex by everyone around them, including Alex’s girlfriend, Danielle, who seductively invites Chad into the back office for some sweet 80’s loving – which basically means that they’re going to bury their faces in one another’s teased and Debbie Gibson’s signature perfume Electric Youth-scented pubic hair for 7 minutes before lying in bed and watching Dynasty. Complementing his new look, which means that she’s either blind or into walking punch lines, Danielle undoes his pink shorts and grabs inside at his silk underwear, going straight for the goods. He urges her on, reassuring her that he has a big surprise, nay, a huge surprise in there waiting for her. Unless it’s a vagina, I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on that one. But just as she starts to enter into a thumb wrestling contest with his little Van Dammage, Alex taps Chad on the shoulder, waits until he turns around, and knocks him out with one punch.

Hey there, sexy. Come back and show me how far those ride up.

As Chad begins to slowly regain consciousness, he can hear Alex and Danielle arguing through the haze about her indiscretion with Chad, as she naturally says that it was a harmless mistake since she no one knew Alex had a twin and he indignantly responds that they could never be mistaken for one another because Chad looks like a “faggot”. Wow. We’re not pulling any punches, huh? The only way that could have been better is if Van Damme had proclaimed that while in blackface. But as Chad sits up and remembers where his is, Frank steps in and diffuses the situation, making the highly scientific case that the two brothers are twins by insisting that they just look at each other. Once they finally settle down, he explains that he used to work for their father, whom ran into money trouble half way through building the famous Hong Kong tunnel project. To help him fund the completion of the project, he had brought in Griffith, whom in turn had got his money from the Zhang crime family. Once construction was done, Griffith and Zhang had their parents wiped out so that they could take sole possession. Sole possession…of a tunnel. Frank urges the brothers to work together, take their revenge on Griffith and the Zhang family, and claim what’s rightfully theirs – a goddamn tunnel. Unconvinced that they can accomplish that on their own, Alex offers to show them some “real action” to see what they’re made of.

You couldn't have this look any worse if one of them was bathed in sunlight.

Exhibit C: Wonder Twin Powers, Activate! Form Of…Gratuitous Ego Masturbation!

Yes Chad, you're both pirates. One of you is just a little more literal than the other.

The next day Frank and the brothers find themselves on Alex’s boat in the middle of the Hong Kong harbor, in pursuit of this so called “real action”, which turns out to be smuggling Mercedes cars with trunks full of smokes and shitty VCRs to Chinese buyers. But just as the buy is finishing, the Hong Kong marine police suddenly declare over a bullhorn that they are all under arrest, taking them all by surprise. Of course, I’m not really sure how none of them managed to see them coming a long time ago. After all, they’re in fucking boats in the open water, so it’s pretty hard to sneak up on anyone, even one of JCVD’s famous stealth boats. Accusing Alex of setting them up, the buyers turn their guns on him and the others, causing a melee to ensue. After summarily pitching the random thugs overboard with their combined powers of rad, the brothers turn their attention to fleeing from the swiftly incoming cops. But once they realize that they’re not making a fast enough getaway, Chad and Frank roll the cars off the back of the boat, landing in the water between them and the cops, before shooting in their general direction and somehow causing them to explode, creating a flaming barrier. And of course, rather than just going around them and continuing the pursuit, this rather tiny obstacle is deemed insurmountable by the cops, who simply let the twins escape. Such action! Are we the only ones looking for the socks that this movie just blew off our goddamn feet?

The film then moves to an outdoor café where we’re forced to watch a woman decapitate and gut a live frog before returning to the brothers. Thanks, Double Impact! I was totally looking for something to bum me out just to balance out the incredible high that this film has had me riding. After declaring that the incident in the harbor has established their credentials for being certified bad-asses, or possibly as dental hygienists, Frank asks the brothers what they plan to do about the tunnel. Being the only one in the group who’s not legally retarded, Danielle asks Frank if there’s any record of the twins’ parents owning the tunnel, to which Frank claims that there doesn’t need to be because he was there and has the scars to prove it. But when she naturally points out that bat-shit crazy exposition is inadmissible as evidence in a court of law, Frank gives her an angry lecture on how Zhang only understands one kind of justice, the law of the shotgun. So…he’s from Alabama? Doing what any reasonable person would do in the face of what appears to be the drunken ranting of an insane drifter, Danielle storms off, prompting Frank to ask what her problem is, like SHE’S the one being the insufferable douche bag. Alex reveals that she’s been working for Griffith for 5 years now before chasing after her, assuring her that while the old man is crazy, she should quietly check on what he’s claiming anyways.

The only justice Zhang knows is street justice! That's why we have to assemble a dance crew and make sure he gets served, bi-otch!

Here, put on a coat dear, or you'll catch a cold.

From there Chad gets into a cab alone and goes back to…God knows where, only to be grabbed by a group of mobsters who mistake him for Alex. They throw him into a waiting car with Zhang and his Mini-boss head thug, Bolo Yeung, or as most people know him, Chong Li from Bloodsport. And since this movie doesn’t bother to give him a name, that’s what I’m going to continue to call him. Oh, wait, looked it up on IMDB…his name is Moon? Right, Chong Li it is. Trying his best to look like an evil overlord, Zhang makes a pitch to recruit Chad to sell coke for him rather than smuggle cars for himself while pulling a cigar out of the wooden stogie box that Frank gave JCVD’s father as a gift on the night of his death. Of course, tying to look like an evil overlord might actually work if you had the basic cranial capacity required to remove the monogrammed initials off of the goddamn cigar box you’re carrying. And of course as they arrive at an empty shipping yard, Chad recognizes the initials on the box just before he’s pulled from the car and is given the complete details of a freighter that will be waiting there on Thursday for an impending drug deal. Zhang tells him that all Chad needs to do is pick up the boat and bring it over to his dock. Chad’s elegant response is a simple, “go fuck yourself”. And seeing as this kind of response to a crime boss usually results in someone giving a blowjob to a berretta, it’s no surprise when a crowd a Zhang’s goons gathers around Chad in anticipation, watching eagerly as Chong Li takes the honors of beating Chad into unconsciousness and throwing him into an empty shipping container. That container is then put on a truck, driven into town, and opened just long enough to throw him into the streets.

Once Chad drags his bruised and battered body clad in a ridiculous green suede jacket back into Alex’s place, Frank grills him for what little information he can about the attackers before asking the brothers if they’re finally in or what. With an awesome blue screen image that in no way looks like it was spliced together by a film school dropout using Elmer’s glue while wearing oven mitts, they both proclaim that they’re in. Fuck yeah!

As different as they may seem, ask a basic math question and they'll both give you the same expression.

Exhibit D: Revenge Takes A Back Seat To Picturing My Brother’s Ass

Ouch! Time-out, guys! I landed on my keys!

To prepare for their upcoming war with the Zhang crime family, Alex guides Chad and Frank to their new base of operations, a dilapidated and abandoned hotel on a small island. As they sail along on his garbage barge of a boat, he gets a call from Danielle. She lets him know that while she was snooping around the files in her office, she was interrupted by Griffith’s suspicious muscle-bound female bodyguard, Kara. Alex thinks little of it as he docks the boat and escorts Chad and Frank to the hotel. Later that night they take a moment to prepare their arsenal before carrying out an assault on the drug deal that Zhang had conveniently detailed to Chad. That assault, like the rest of the movie, has about as much substance as an Andy Dick doctoral thesis. The brothers sneak up to the location Metal Gear Solid style before Alex sneaks around and plants plastic explosives while Chad keeps acts as a guard. That is until Chad gets slightly impatient, wanders directly into the midst of the enemies, and kicks the first dude he sees in the face. This, of course, alerts the entire site to their presence and sparks a fire fight of epically underwhelming proportions, featuring Alex rolling around awkwardly on the floor while firing dual pistols at faceless goons while Chad manages to end up at the business end of the laser sight of a thug who literally takes far too long to decide to maybe get around to shooting before he’s taken out by Frank’s sniper rifle. Eventually Alex steals a truck and with Chad hanging off the side of it, they get out range before Frank detonates the bombs and blows the whole thing sky high.

When you had that dude from Cake Boss cater this affair, you didn't explain that's a ship full of drugs, did you?

With the first part of their ham-fisted assault complete, it’s time to go for the gold. After meeting with Danielle and finding out that Griffith will be at a nightclub called the Climax Club that evening, which just happens to be owned by Zhang, the brothers spring into action. The movie transitions to the club that night where we see Griffith and Zhang meeting with the heads of their crime family, toasting a new method of shipping drugs while sitting around what appears to be a massive cake in the shape of a freighter carrying drugs. As Alex wanders into the front door and tells the nearest mullet-sporting goon that he can find that he has the case of booze that Griffith has been asking for, Zhang and Griffith are accuse some poor bastard in their own group of sabotaging the drug deal the previous night before having Kara kill him with a single stab to the chest while flexing her ladyballs. Yeah, you just gave all the details of your drug deal to someone who then turned around and told you to go fuck yourself and it’s this guy who must have fucked you over. With deductive skills like that, I’d be surprised if these two ass clowns could manage to peddle Twinkies in a fat camp. But just after the exceptionally needless killing, Griffith and Zhang are given the case of booze that Alex delivered, prompting them to finally realize that Alex knew about the drugs and demand to have him brought to them. Of course, if they had half a goddamn brain between them, they might suspect at that point that the case of “booze” is actually “a big fucking bomb”, or at the very least think to check it out. But while Alex and Frank wait nervously, blending into the crowd in the club’s main room, Griffith and Zhang’s mullet-clad goon emerges just in time to meet Chad as he wanders in from another entrance with another case. The goon insists that Chad come to the back, but rather than following, Chad hits the deck as Frank detonates the first package, which, even though it’s sitting on a table mere feet away from Zhang and Griffith, manages to explode and not give anyone in the room so much as a splinter. But of course, this causes quite a commotion, so Chad and Alex start focusing their destructive power on a wave of random goons. Then just as they’re about to leave, Zhang and Griffith emerge from the back in time to see both brothers standing together and realize that they’re dealing with twins. As the two groups share an awkward moment, Kara notices the second case sitting on the dance floor and yells a warning, prompting them all to flee the club before it goes off in a massive explosion that’s hilariously disproportionate to the first one. Apparently one box was packed with C4 and the other was a pack of Mentos and some goddamn Diet Coke.

This might be hot if I weren't so sure her balls were bigger than mine.

Seeing as how the brothers have been caught making an attempt on Zhang and Griffith’s lives, it only makes sense that the very next day, Danielle resumes her snooping around Griffith’s records. Of course she’s once again caught by Kara, whom decides to make sure that Danielle isn’t hiding anything by frisking/molesting her. But before we can cheer on some chick rape, Danielle bolts and the scene ends. She immediately calls back to the brothers’ Hidden Fortress of Alternative Lifestyles where she reaches Chad, who’s in the kitchen making a huge batch of plain noodles while Alex and Frank are off chopping wood in the jungle. As Danielle tells him that she’s found a document to support their claim and that she’s in real trouble now, Griffith and Zhang naturally listen in on the conversation from a phone in his office. Assuring her that everything will be okay, Chad tells her to go to Alex’s Mahjong Parlor and they’ll meet her there. He runs outside looking for others, giving up after 8 seconds and taking the boat. He meets Danielle as promised, only to have Kara and a group of thugs invade the Mahjong Parlor moments later, pursuing them through the streets of Hong Kong and over a series of boats until the two heroes dive in the water and make a getaway on Alex’s garbage barge. While all this is going on, Alex somehow knows to call back to his office to talk to the duo, but ends up being hung up on when place is raided. This leads him down the path of jealous rage that is no way completely fucking psychotic.

Two things happen at this point. First, as Chad and Danielle slowly tugboat their way back to the island fortress, Kara proves to be the only person in this movie capable of forming a coherent thought as she jumps into a helicopter and follows the two of them, suspecting which island they may be going to and then having the confirmed when Frank comes wandering out of the hotel to stand like a fucking idiot and stare up at the helicopter as it flies by. And second, after a needless titty scene where Danielle gets changed into fresh clothes, the movie alternates between the Chad and Danielle sailing back in quiet sexual tension and Alex rampaging around the hotel while envisioning a low quality softcore porn scene of his brother having sex with his girlfriend. To really appreciate that, you have to stop and remind yourself that at this point JCVD is now engaging in a long dream sex involving…JCVD. I can’t help but think at this point that if Van Damme was in Burger King and really could have it his way, there wouldn’t be a woman in this scene at all…just two Van Dammes, locked in an embrace of unbridles passion and awesomeness.

Van Damme, thinking about a woman making love to Van Damme, gets so excited that the semen has to come out somewhere.

Eventually, once this ridiculously long scene of JCVD imaging his own ass pounding into his girlfriend is finished, Chad and Danielle finally make it back to the hotel to find Alex completely wasted. He accuses them of fucking, of course. But once the blonde points out that he’s drunk, he drops her with one hard slap. Awesome. So again, just to review, he are now supposed to be cheering for two brothers, one of which is a petty, vicious woman-beater who flies into a violent rage when he simply imagines his girlfriend with another dude. But anyways, Chad kicks him in the face in retaliation, much to our delight, and the single greatest fight of all time begins. It’s JCVD versus JCVD in an all out Battle Royale. But disappointingly, it only last a few moments before Frank comes in a breaks it up. But when Frank dismisses Alex being completely fucking insane as being a mere result of simply being drunk, Alex compounds his position by saying:

Alex: “Maybe I’m drunk. Tomorrow I’ll be sober. But he’ll always be a faggot.”

Wow. Seriously? I’m actually supposed to want this guy to not trip and fall penis first into a wood chipper? Anyways, the scene ends with both brothers huffing and puffing indignantly and in equally retarded fashions before going their separate ways. Alex gives a rant about no one being there for him when he was on the streets while Chad runs into the black of night, swearing that he’s going to swim back to LA.

Exhibit E: Van Dammes! Merge To Become…Useless-Tit-icon!

That's right, Mr. Lehey. Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles are running the trailer park while you're here. What do you think of that?

The next morning both brothers wake up from having slept outside at various distances away from the hotel and look over just in time to see Kara and Zhang sending a battalion of guerilla solders to storm their fortress. But before they can join in the fight, Frank and Danielle are captured and taken away in a helicopter, leaving only a handful of soldiers, or fodder if you will, behind to patrol the area. Of course Chad and Alex make short work of those poor bastards, dealing with them swiftly as the helicopter carrying their captured comrades arrives at a shipping yard. Once they eventually meet, the brothers interrogate the sole survivor of their wrath, grilling him for the location that Zhang has fled to, while Zhang and Griffiths likewise torture Frank by beating on him and blasting him with steam, more for fun than for gathering information of any kind.

With that, we’ve once again reached that very familiar part of the movie, the climactic final battle. It begins with the two JCVD’s sneaking onto the boat where Griffith and Zhang are hiding, stabbing and neck-breaking their way in. They slowly work their way down through the bowels of the freighter, eventually ending up in a firefight that alerts everyone to their presence. With the game now officially afoot, Griffith gets on an intercom and allows them to hear Frank scream like a little girl that they’re being held in the boiler room while being blasted with more steam. And just to up the ante, they go even further and fake shooting Frank over the intercom, which causes Chad to freak out, screaming like he’s just been violated by a hippopotamus before getting on an intercom himself, swearing to Griffiths that he’s dead. A series of very predictable scenes then follows, involving the brothers shooting random dudes before we finally end up with a series of mini-boss battles:

Mini-Boss 1 – Italian Karate Cowboy…Seriously: First up, Alex ends up fighting some this random Italian dude wearing a suit with spurs on his boots. They flip through semi-darkness like a couple of gymnasts on E, doing what I suppose is supposed to be some kind of fighting until finally Alex beats him to death. Short, sweet, pointless.

The not-quite-so-ultimate opponent: a greasy Italian in a cheap suit.

Chong Li's attempts at intimidation might have been taken a little more seriously had someone not told him the world's most hilarious knock knock joke only moments earlier.

Mini-Boss 2 – Bloodsport II: The second fight is a rematch of an epic battle from a previous film, as Chad fights Chong Li. If he beats him after having dust thrown in his eyes again, I might just shit my pants laughing. But instead, the fight begins with Chong Li wasting a lot of energy by throwing heavy barrels at Chad, like some kind of shitty version of Donkey Kong, until Chad finally matches the stupidity by trying to stop a barrel that’s flying at him by kicking it, rather than just stepping out of the way. Chong Li then pins Chad to the ground with a barrel and tries to squish him while smiling like a rapist. Eventually Chad escapes and they slowly make their way into another room where, after ripping Chad’s shirt off, Chong Li takes his own off before giving a dramatically goofy flex pose. They finally begin an actual martial arts battle which at best could be described as very uninspired, before Chad finally unleashes a remarkable 6 straight flying splits kicks, causing Chong Li to fly into an open electrical panel (Looks like Blombo’s been working on that site). But not only is Chong Li is electrocuted, but sparks also fly as he falls to the floor, lighting a random trail of fuel that leads back to barrels of what one has to guess is pure gasoline. Realizing that he’s standing in the middle of this field of barrels, JCVD gives us the classic run and jump slow-mo scene, diving away from the fire even though it should have still enveloped him.

Despite Chong Li trying to sell it like it has already knocked out four teeth, there's no way this kick could actually hit him. And nice junk shot, by the way.

Mini-Boss 3 – She-male Of Doom: After Chad’s explosion rips through the ship, Griffith gets a call advising that no one could have lived through that and that he should leave the ship immediately. Leaving Danielle and Frank alone with Kara and some random thug, he and Zhang do exactly that. But just as they leave, Alex wanders onto the scene, takes out the random thug, before giving his woman-beating tendencies free reign by engaging in a vicious fight against Kara. The greatest moment of the fight comes when at one point Kara, for reasons I’ll never know, grabs him by the cock. She doesn’t punch him in it, mind you. Just grabs it, which means that both female leads in this movie have been forced to touch his junk. And I have to totally believe that was JCVD’s idea when it came to the script. You can almost hear it in your head, can’t you? “Let’s have her touch my dick. No, no reason. I just want her to touch my dick. Now agree with me before I make you touch my dick. That’s what I thought. Hurray for my dick!” But anyways, eventually Alex stabs her with a knife that she produces, killing her just as Chad appears.

Final Bosses – A Battle Against Utter Disappointment: With everyone else dead, Griffith and Zhang try their best to flee the boat while the brothers take off in hot pursuit. As one would guess, since there are two brothers and two villains, they end up splitting up and each following a nemesis of their own. Alex races off after Zhang, for some reason leaving Danielle alone with Chad as they run after Griffith. When they eventually catch up to their prey, the fights involving both brothers are horribly, horribly uninteresting. First, Chad and Danielle follow Griffith into an area tightly packed shipping containers. They lose him, and eventually slowly walk into a small dead end. As they wonder what to do, Griffith fires up a forklift behind them and slowly begins to drive towards them while carrying a cargo container above their heads. With nowhere to go, all Chad can do is stuff Danielle into the one tiny hole between two of the containers that make up a side wall before running away and diving into the water behind him. Griffith then decides that the best thing to do is get down and stand by the water, firing his gun randomly into the water. But even better than this idiocy is that Chad then suddenly appears back at the controls of the forklift behind him. How the fuck he got up there, the movie doesn’t say. We’ll just say that he was picked up and flown there by a unicorn, because it makes as much sense as any other explanation. Just as Griffith turns and realizes his impending doom, Chad delivers on the anticipated disaster by dropping the container on him.

While all this is going on, Zhang and Alex end up at the top of a massive industrial crane, because yeah, why wouldn’t it be a good idea to climb up a couple of stories to an area where you can’t possibly escape when you’re being chased by someone determined to kill you? Once they both arrive at the top, Zhang blows a fire extinguisher in Alex’s face, temporarily blinding him while pulling a sword out of his cane. Remember how I said I’d laugh until I shit if Van Damme got blinded? Well, let’s just say I’ve got some laundry to do. This seems like a guaranteed death of Alex, but those of us who have seen Bloodsport know that JCVD’s no stranger to blind fighting, so no one is surprised when Alex doesn’t so much as hesitate to kick the shit out of Zhang until finally forcing his sword arm into a couple of industrial gears. And while basic brain function would dictate that his arms would be crushed flat or ripped off, this actually does little more than leave him with a bloody appendage. But regardless, it’s enough to neutralize the old man, leaving him to beg Alex to make a deal. The rebuttal, of course, comes in the form of Alex dropping Zhang over the side to his plummeting death.

I can't think of a shot to end the movie on that will haunt my dreams more.

And that, as they say, is that. With all the villains dead and everything right in the world, JCVD and JCVD meet up again, sharing a sweet face to face while forcing the blue screen budget of this movie into overdrive, before locking into a death grip hug of awesomeness that would put a grizzly to shame. Danielle and Frank both join them, of course, and as Alex embraces his girlfriend – a distant second on his romantic priority list behind fondling himself – they all share smiles. But while all this is so sickeningly sweet that it could only be reproduced with a few tons of high-fructose corn syrup, the real icing on the cake comes seconds later when Chad gives Alex the okay sign and it freezes on that to the sound of gunfire. FUCK YEAH.

Once again, I stand corrected.

The Verdict:

Donkey: The very basis for this entire film is astounding. They’re fighting to regain what was stolen from them…and it’s a goddamn tunnel? I don’t think anyone who was involved with making this movie has any idea how public utilities actually work. No private citizen or business can own a goddamn traffic tunnel in a civilized country. That’s simply not possible, or some eccentric CEO could just decide one day to cut off all access for no particular reason other than dancing in his own shit while singing Rebel Yell and proving that he’s goddamn insane. And even if you could actually own a tunnel, who the fuck would want it? Do you know how high the tolls on that motherfucker would have to be before you even made any money back? Those things aren’t exactly cheap to construct, so unless you’re charging $1,000 per car, you’re not going to see a profit for decades. I can’t wait for a sequel, where the brothers Van Damme battle an evil mastermind who has seized control of a municipal sewage processing plant. Everything about this movie is deliciously ridiculous, save the fighting itself which is rather disappointing. None of them felt epic, or able to stand up next to fighting a tiger before blocking an inferno with a Coke machine, if you will. I give this movie four cases of ball cleavage out of five silky junk grabs.

What We Learned:

Donkey: If JCVD were to be forced to imagine it, the only man that he could imagine a woman cheating on him with is him. I don’t know about you, but to me, that’s sounds just about right.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Sam Raimi’s first horrifyingly terrible contribution to the genre of superhero action movies, but certainly not the last, in…DARKMAN.

Back To The Main Page.

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Donkey: One of the signature cinematic themes of the 80’s and early 90’s, apart from Corey Feldman and Corey Haim competing to see whose career could take a nosedive into an existential vat of taint sweat faster, was the action hero. Larger than life euphemisms for supplement store patrons too enraptured in drug induced rage to notice their shrinking testicles stripping away what little masculinity they once had while in the futile, ham-fistedly pursuit of more, these heroes proved that our society is just as good at objectifying and propping up unattainable standards for men as we are with women. At the height of their popularity, these men of steel were at the top of the Hollywood orgy pile, allowing Schwarzenegger, Stallone, and even Van Damme to make progressively bigger and more violent films whose sole purpose was to give you a boner every time someone was chest-fucked with a sawed-off shotgun. But when potent manseed drips down that clusterfuck, there’s bound to be a few pregnancies. So as is always the case, when these films started to make an obscene amount of money, Hollywood began churning out copycats faster than Madonna could find new ways to share her crabs, saturating the market in an attempt to cash in before the well of rocket launchers and shitty one-liners went dry. And since those highly sought after A-list stars could only appear in so many tragedies per year, the search was on to find lesser men who would attempt to fit the bill.

Those who stepped up to the plate to become action stars (or America’s Next Top Douchenozzle, if you will) typically ranged from mildly inappropriate to epic failures whose tales of retarded glory will ring through the halls of Valhalla forever. Our oft mentioned favorite will always be Kurt Thomas of the timeless masterpiece Gymkata. How someone looked at that wood nymph and thought he’d be credible as anything more than a stand in for Blossom, I’ll never know. But another fine example is the perpetual jock stain that is Brian Bosworth. I know what you’re saying: Brian Bos-what? Exactly. Brian “The Boz” Bosworth is an ex-Seattle Seahawk whom was every bit as notable as a professional football player as he was a thespian. Both careers were short and entirely forgettable. And I can see the logic in plucking a potential symbol of mindless male aggression from the very shallow pool that is professional football, seeing as when they’re not busy slapping each other’s ass, half the men on the field in that sport literally do nothing more than slam into another man as hard as they can and end up doing little more than canceling one another out, but you might want to at least choose one that can read dialogue with more emotion than a clinically depressed fucking Speak N’ Spell. Of course, for our purposes we’re sure glad they didn’t, since that wall-eyed casting selection produced his glorious debut, 1991’s Stone Cold.

The Plot:

Donkey: In the far distant future of 1991, the FBI is faced with a terrifying new foe that has emerged from the cyberpunk-ruled streets: a chubby, dim-witted biker gang, led by the android from Aliens, which is making rather modest and poorly planned moves to expand their drug empire throughout the rest of the US. But those fail in comparison to their true goal of terrible, pointless vengeance. Helpless in the face of this expansive beer swilling ZZ Top cover band, the FBI looks for the one man that will dare to sport a leather vest and fifth degree mullet to stop them…The Boz! Using the considerably modest arsenal of skills at his disposal, he’ll redefine their notion of “blitzing a tight end” and possibly learn a little something about sharing and friendship along the way.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Exhibit A: It’s Fourth & Down, And We Need To Run The Play Called “Staggering AssFacery”. Send In THE BOZ!

His plan is to defeat the bandits by serving them undercooked pork.

Donkey: After completing decade-long research that will finally produce a hypothesis that explains to the world exactly why Steve Guttenberg was ever paid to appear in films, Future Scientists from the year 20XX will focus all the power of their brains and cybervag-equipped robot lovers to coming up with the exact formula for creating the bullet ejaculating money shot that we’ve come to know as the action hero movie. And while I don’t profess to be any kind of time traveler (yet), I’m pretty sure that their first recommended step will be to open your movie with a scene that holds no other value whatsoever than to showcase how hilariously lethal your main character is. And Stone Cold does exactly that, as the film begins with three armed gunmen storming into a grocery store, randomly firing off their guns into carefully stacked semi-delicious food items while shrieking like an Apache war party that’s mainlining Red Bull. And as they collect what has to be at least $50 from the cash registers mere seconds later, in steps The Boz. With that kind of timing, one must conclude that he’s a Time Bandit who travels through the Sea of Chronology with a troupe of midgets, looking for exceptionally petty crime to stop. As soon as he enters the store, he grabs a cart and starts walking the aisles, striking fear into the criminals by doing some light shopping. As they freak out and split up like they’re being stalked by the Predator, or possibly Sean Young, The Boz helps the first two thugs catch up on their sleep with loving smashes to the fucking head. The last man standing, who holds a teenager hostage who’s wearing braces and headgear that is giving me a flashback to my early teens, starts to freak out and decides to give up and just run. But as he gets to the end of the aisle, he slips on errant liquid cleverly placed by a certain lawman, which for some reason rockets him about 10 feet through the air like he’s been shot out of a cannon, smashing into a stack of cans while The Boz just sits calmly and watches. Job well done, bitches. But showing off our hero’s unlimited killing power isn’t quite enough. The next step is to show how he could have been a moderately unsuccessful stand-up comedian if he wasn’t burdened with this incessant need to shatter skulls. So it is at the exact moment that the last punk falls that the store floods with cops, one of whom is The Boz’s captain. But rather than giving him a high five and a reacharound for a job well done, the Cap’n asks The Boz what he’s got to say for himself, since he’s apparently done all this while still on suspension. His response?

The Boz: “You’ve got a clean up on aisle four.”

SNAP! Nothing says you’re a take-no-prisoners-or-showers rogue cop like basically telling your boss to Hoover the lint out of your ass crack without fear of reprimand.

Exhibit B: Evil Embarks On A Corporate Team Building Retreat

If you miss this one, I'm going to balance the next one on my junk.

The next variable in our equation of awesome is the villain; the yin to the hero’s yang, or the cock sandwich to The Boz’s shit taco. So with that, the movie suddenly transitions us straight to a biker gang rally where we’re introduced to The Brotherhood, an obnoxious gaggle of overweight frat boys who place hygiene about four notches beneath Victorian-era poetry appreciation on their priority chart. As we watch their shitheaded reindeer games, the movie starts to jump all over the place without warning. It begins with the gang taking part in such healthy activities as shooting a beer can off one another’s shoulder and head from about twenty feet away, some random pulling of dudes along the ground behind speeding bikes, followed up with some light brawling in a circle of death. But just as it seems like this group of microbiologists is going to crack the code to the human genome, the intelligence is stepped up a notch further. Ice, the second in command of the gang, played by William Forsythe, uses a fully automatic weapon to shoot another can off the shoulder of a fellow biker named Mudfish. As a brief side note, I love William Forsythe. Although I’ll always remember him from Raising Arizona, that guy has been in everything. As a matter of fact, if you look back through your photo albums, there’s a good chance that he played you at a party once, to much critical acclaim. But anyways, he just unloads the goddamn gun while waving it around like he’s trying to draw a mural on a wall with bullets. Mudfish has the can fly off his shoulder while he stands there for a few seconds, completely dumbfounded, before diving out of the way, remarkably not punctured by the barrage of bullets that proceeds to decimate the car behind him. I guess I was wrong. I guess what I thought was Ice waving his gun around randomly was actually him tracing the exact outline of Mudfish. And here I thought he was just a douche.

But then the movie suddenly cuts away from the idiotic merriment to some random biker named Trouble. Yes, Trouble. He stalks into a small church and fires upon a priest who appears to be performing a wedding, which rockets him through the stained glass window behind him like he got in the way of Godzilla trying to kick a field goal. It then cuts immediately to an incredibly quick court scene where the rest of the gangs curses and swears as Trouble’s convicted of the crime and given a sentence of 45 years. I’m not exactly sure what they expected. It’s not like he pulled off that hit with ninja-like stealth. So you can’t just fart on a cop’s dinner while he’s eating it and then wonder why you get a nightstick across the jaw. And just to finish things off, the scene then cuts to a mansion where the judge who convicted Trouble gets into a boat to go fishing, starts it, and explodes while Ice looks on, giggling from a short distance away. But as disjointed as this entire sequence seems, my hat is off to this movie for being so succinct. Normally a character going on a kill rampage, getting caught, and facing a trial would take, if not an entire film then at least a good portion of it. But Stone Cold has the balls to say fuck that, we’ll do it in a montage.

They actually chose a pet that is cold-blooded because otherwise you'd see its face flushed with embarassment for being seen with this asswipe.

With that sequence leaving us fairly confused and somewhat gassy, the movie turns back to The Boz, hanging out in his ridiculously large apartment that a single cop simply couldn’t afford. He looks over the morning’s paper, pretending that he can read while making a power shake of epic proportions for breakfast. And what kind of rocket fuel does a killing machine require to keep his kung fu grip in the red? It’s none of that fruity, new age healthy stuff. No, we’re talking orange juice, a couple of Snickers bars, half a bag of potato chips, a banana, eggs, and Tabasco sauce just to keep the hair on his balls razor sharp. But just as you think he’s going to actually eat that shit and likely drop dead of a flavor overload, he feeds it to his pet lizard, which apparently he hates and wants to die. Right about then there’s a knock at his front door, which he opens to find Sam McMurray, another dude from Raising Arizona. He identifies himself as Lance, an FBI agent, before asking The Boz to accompany him on a very urgent matter. I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that it’s a fashion-related emergency that only the mightiest headband-contained coif can guide them out of. With little argument, The Boz soon ends up meeting Lance’s boss, an FBI agent named Cunningham, in a car. After explaining that they’ve been watching the Brotherhood, who was not only behind the judge’s death but is also planning on extending their drug empire to become the Wal-Mart of black tar heroin and crab-infested hookers, Cunningham explains that since The Boz is responsible for more biker related arrests than anyone else in Alabama, they want him to work undercover and infiltrate the gang for them. Of course, The Boz doesn’t play by the rules, so at first he tries to refuse, only to be threaten to have his three week suspension extended to six months without pay. So as much as he might rage against the machine, that kind of hit to his bankroll would cut pretty deeply into his mousse and hairspray money, leaving The Boz little choice but to agree.

Exhibit C: In Like Flint, Provided That Flint Failed His GED Test 4 Times Too.

Oh God! My eyes are on fire!!!

Risking an extreme bout of déjà vu, the movie then cuts right back to The Boz’s apartment, apparently the next morning where he wakes up once again to find Lance at his door. Only this time, the movie cranks up the homo-erotic insanity to the top of the charts as The Boz lets him in and proceeds to stroll around in ridiculous fucking bikini briefs. Goddamn it, I did not need to see The Boz’s shrunken boss. And just to keep the random idiocy going, Lance saunters into the master bedroom and sits down on the bed while The Boz brushes his teeth in his ensuite bathroom, only to discover a naked woman rustling beneath the sheets. She sits up to give us a completely unnecessary titty shot while not even remotely surprised that a strange man is in the room, and neither she nor The Boz seem to be the slightest bit concerned that Lance is being barraged with a lethal combination of her tits and his package. I smell an awkward, lube-filled proposal in the near future.

William had the choice between this movie and a Theater In The Park production of Weird Science. I think more people would have seen the play.

But rather than showing us what might be the most horrifying threesome in the history of cinema, the movie jumps past that as well as any single moment of the day and goes straight to a random bar where The Boz meets Lance in the parking lot before going inside together and ordering a couple of beers. And of course, just to play up the tired The Odd Couple buddy cop cliché, Lance insists that the bartender give him a glass for his bear, implying that even as a seasoned veteran, being fruitier than a box of Frankenberry is more important to him than actually being even remotely competent as an undercover FBI agent. Meanwhile, The Boz spots Ice upstairs, making out with what appears to be his mom while under the watchful eye of a little rat-like fellow biker named Gut who giggles and rubs himself under the table, so he carries out his ingenious master plan to infiltrate the gang’s ranks: he walks up and asks why the chick that Ice is making out with has been eying his ass all night. Alright…interesting approach. When Ice naturally threatens to skullfuck his corpse, The Boz goes on to declare that he just got out of prison and heard that the Brotherhood were the baddest motherfuckers ever, but he guesses that he heard wrong. Umm…okay. So the secret handshake that gets you into a biker gang is to walk up and slap them across the face with your cock, I guess. But as Ice seriously contemplates raping him, someone calls his name from the floor of the bar, where two dudes hassle a chick to get their money back after being sold what they claim were bad drugs. Following the age old tenet that the customer is always right, Ice and Gut march down and where Ice gives one of them a soccer kick directly to the babymaker, inciting a classic bar fight. But it turns out that Gut is not exactly the most skilled fighter amongst the gang, as he starts to get his ass kicked almost immediately. Seeing a chance to seal the deal with a moment of glory, The Boz steps in and saves him, fighting off the last few fat truckers until the fighting is done. While Ice is rather unimpressed by his actions, Gut jumps at a chance to cradle The Boz’s balls and invites him to a Brotherhood rally that weekend. Seeing his chance to finally slide on his glass slippers and be crowned the belle of the ball, The Boz plays it cool as says he’ll think about it. At night. While touching himself in the shower.

The tired, tired face of the enemy.

Carrying on the movie’s fine tradition of graceless transitioning, it cuts directly to the Brotherhood rally, showing The Boz roll up in a sweet rapist van that’s hauling his Harley behind it. Ready to prove to a throng of douches that he’s as big a burden on society as anyone else, he parks the van,  jumps on his hog, and without any invitation whatsoever, pulls up directly next to Ice at the starting line of a drag race. Without knowing where the hell he’s going or what the hell the point is, he simply steels his jaw as the two of them take off, driving side by side for a while until The Boz wins by what seems to be nothing more than accelerating slightly. Damn, those are some dope moves! I’m guessing he did a lot of practicing on a go kart course before coming here. But The Boz isn’t done there. After all, if you’re going to mark your territory, might as well piss on the biggest dog you can find. So his next stop is another goddamn fighting circle, as apparently these bikers have nothing better to do than break each other’s spine out of sheer boredom. The Boz steps in, sporting the shirtless with jeans combination, a timeless classic that you don’t see outside of playing beach volleyball with Maverick and Goose nearly often enough. While he flails away with the martial skill that only a failed football player could call fighting, the leader of the Brotherhood and Final End Boss of the movie, Lance Henrikson, stalks the perimeter and watches in constipated disinterest. The Boz and his nameless bassist for White Lion opponent trade a ridiculous number of punches directly to the face before The Boz eventually knocks the dude out to a chorus of boos from the crowd. His work done, he strolls back to his van with Gut in tow, still waiting for the chance to cradle the balls and work the shaft, only to find Chains there waiting for him. After a brief introduction, Chains tells The Boz to take his “old lady”, Nancy, and have a good time. But once they’re alone in his van, he refuses her advances, saying that he doesn’t think a woman should be passed around like property. And that, my friends, might be the finest bit of acting that The Boz does in this film. As he steps out and leaves her inside, Ice warns Chains that this dude smells trouble. And moldy bagels.

The movie jumps abruptly once again at that point to what could be later that day, that week, or even six months as we are introduced to the Brotherhood’s compound with some absolutely bizarre imagery. The camera pans along the grounds, passing by random chicks showering out in the open in only semi-enclosed makeshift showers, delivering even more completely unnecessary titty shots before immediately moving on to kids running around, some pushing even younger ones around in strollers. What the fuck is that? That couldn’t be any more confusing for the drooling male masses watching this film than if they had transitioned from chicks making out in a tub of Jell-O to one taking a teeth-gritting, four-coiled dump. Eventually we arrive in a clubhouse building where we find Chains watching the District Attorney give a television interview, swearing that he’s going to appeal Trouble’s sentence until he gets the death penalty. As he and a few of his right hand men debate the merits of pan frying versus slow roasting the DA’s balls and serving them to him, The Boz arrives at the front gates of the compound and says he has a package for Chains. He’s allowed entry and is sent to a pool hall where it’s time for, guess what, another completely unnecessary titty shot as a chick is playing pool topless. What does that add to the scene, you ask? Class, my friends. That’s just classy. Once inside, he finds Chains and gives him the package, which turns out to be a bulletproof vest, saying that he’ll need it when they do business. I guess bringing Chains a picture of his mom and jerking off onto it wouldn’t have been obvious enough. In response, Chains accepts the vest, puts it on The Boz, spins him around, and shoots him right in the chest, sending him flying onto a pool table. The Boz gets back to his feet far too quickly, belying the fact that even with a protective vest on, getting shot in the chest fucking hurts and is restrained by several dudes as he tries to retaliate. What the fuck did you expect to happen? For him to be so deeply thankful that he serves you a hot, buttery croissant? But I guess acting like a dick sore is exactly what a group of assholes is looking for, as Chains then offers The Boz the chance to join the gang, much to Ice’s objection. And when he accepts, The Boz is given his first assignment, which is to carry out a hit. He’s given an earring and told to bring the matching one, worn by the mark, as well as the ear that it’s attached to back to them to show that the job is done.

With a chance for a small break from all this non-stop, ball clenching action, The Boz rolls off to find his prey, giving us a long bike riding montage of glory, set to the musical tragedy of the second worst Foghat cover band they could find. After watching scene after scene of his mullet billowing in the wind for far too long, the movie turns to another night club where The Boz finds the dude he’s looking for. After slamming his face into a crowded bar for all to see, The Boz picks the guy up and hauls him out straight to the FBI where they pull off an elaborate ruse to make it look like The Boz carried out the hit. They take the dude’s earring and a picture of the tattoo that he happens to have over that particular ear, and then have a severed ear tattooed to match. It all seems to be going smoothly until it comes time to dispose of the victim. Rather than holding the greasy thug until the sting is over, they just throw him on a plane and tell him not to come back. Wow. Do you think maybe that will come back to bite you in the ass?

With their nearly cunning scheme complete, The Boz reports back to Chains and delivers the proof of success along with an incredibly witty line:

The Boz: “Let’s just say that I saved the guy a fortune in Q-Tips.”

Such hilarity! Of course, if he’s dead, then he’s not exactly worrying about the mounting costs of a vicious battle against the pesky buildup of ear wax, so that makes no goddamn sense. But still, classic! Impressed with his success, Chains orders him to take Ice’s place on their protection money collection run, sending him with Nancy, another biker named Tool, and his girlfriend. But once he leaves, Ice renews his objections, again warning Chains that he doesn’t trust The Boz. To put the matter to rest, they contact an informant that they have in the police department and ask her to check on The Boz to see if he’s legit. After she promises to call them back with whatever information she can find, Chains hangs up and returns to sharing smoldering looks of barely hidden sexual tension with Ice.

Exhibit D: Thug Life – Far More Boring Than Snoop Dogg Let On

As we catch up with The Boz, he and Nancy part ways with Tool and his girlfriend. Moments later when the other couple comes out of the small business that they’re extorting, an apparent turf war is brought to the forefront as Tool ends up having a grenade tossed at him by a passing mob car, blowing him through a storefront window. Then moments later, Nancy walks out of another business with the money she collected while The Boz just lounges on his motorcycle and the mob comes calling again. A greasy Italian jumps out of their car, roughing up Nancy for about 2 seconds before grabbing the money and jumping straight back in for a quick escape. But as they race off, The Boz use all the power of his two-stroke Weed Whacker of a brain and jumps on the hood of the car, issuing the fierce battle cry;

The Boz: “You picked up the wrong passenger, buddy”.

A friend of mine recently asked me if all shitty movies had blatant homoerotic content. Well friends, unless he's Samantha Fox, I think those jeans give the answer.

Okay, that wasn’t even in the same stratosphere as clever. If clever was a city that line would be Rue McClanahan. Does that make any sense? No. But it’s still infinitely more brilliant than that piece of shit line. And his plan proves to be all the more retarded a second later when the driver pulls out a gun, leaving The Boz no choice but to roll off the hood at a speed high enough that he should be exceptionally fucked up by the experience. But all is not lost as when the car comes out of the alley, it gets hit by a cargo truck. Unharmed by his involuntary pavement floor routine, The Boz runs out to the wreckage and starting wailing on mobsters as they climb out of the car, even going so far as to shatter one opponent’s arm. And yet, when the mob leader, a man named Domicci, puts a gun to The Boz’s head seconds later, instead of blowing unprocessed corn dogs all over the pavement, he just yells freeze and tells The Boz to warn Chains to stay out of mob turf before they all calmly get back into the car and drive away. So just to recap, the mob just fucked up a guy with a grenade who wasn’t posing any kind of threat whatsoever, and then walked away from a guy who was shattering their limbs. Wouldn’t four dead bodies have delivered the message to Chains just as powerfully as smacking The Boz on the bottom and sending him back to cry about it? Once they’re gone, Nancy blubbers about how Chains is going to kill her for losing the protection money, so The Boz gives her the massive $400 that she lost and tells her not to forget where that came from.

Oh, NOW I recognize him.

After an almost entirely pointless and inappropriately whimsical scene where the whole gang visits Tool in the hospital, bringing him pizza, a jacket, and flowers, The Boz meeting with Chains in private, revealing a vial of what he calls P2P. Peer to peer file sharing? So he’s selling Napster in a bottle? Declaring that he’s got someone looking to unload this stuff, most likely to get away from Metallica-lead lawsuits, The Boz tells Chains that all he needs is protection and a buyer. Chains assures him that it’s no problem, that he’ll sell the stuff to the Italians, minus Domicci, of course. Without warning, the movie once again transitions straight from that sentiment to Chains and The Boz walking into a fancy restaurant and to meet with the mob. As the Italians greet them, Chains gives them a large gift box. They open it and pull out a motorcycle helmet which, once the visor is flipped up, turns out to have a disembodied head in it. It’s never expressly stated that it’s Domicci in there, but I think that’s what they’re implying. The problem is that since Domicci was only on the goddamn screen for about 2 minutes in total and that helmet only shows the eyes of the head inside it, there’s no fucking way to know that’s not just the poor restaurant’s valet who parked their bikes for them unless we paused the movie to do a 20 minute analysis of his brow when we first saw him. But regardless, the mob doesn’t seem overly upset by the death of one of their own and the arrangements for the drug deal are made.

I swear to God, do not smile at me like that when you're behind me in that vest.

Now that the stage is set for that The Boz’s high stakes game of idiocy, the movie goes through a series of random scenes that have to strain as hard to maintain any kind of connection as the clasps on Morgana the Kissing Bandit’s bra. First we get an utterly ludicrous and completely hilarious scene where Chains sits in a room by himself and plays fucking beat box with a goddamn recording of the District Attorney’s television interview for no particular reason whatsoever. Then the movie turns to what appears to be his room in the compound where he and Ice argue over the legitimacy of The Boz for the fifteenth fucking time. And then we finally arrive with The Boz as he walks into a public washroom to meet with Lance, who tells him that between the fake hit that they pulled off and collections that The Boz was witness to, they’ve got enough to convict the Brotherhood of racketeering. But that’s not enough for The Boz. He says they can take the Brotherhood and the mob in one shot. All he needs three dozen drums of P2P, transportation, and an agent willing to play the role of his drug mule. And just to sweeten the deal, he also promises a witness: Nancy.

But just when something almost approaches the vicinity of making sense, we get thrust right back into the darkness of the arbitrary as we see a large group of the Brotherhood roll up to a checkpoint created by the DA’s sworn clampdown, where they are greeted by two military men who simply ask to see their papers. I’m not exactly sure how a DA has any kind of authority to be using the military, but then I’m not really sure what the hell papers they’re referring to either. Do you need a permit to be that greasy in this particular state? Of course, rather than cooperate with the most basic of requests, they kidnap the two guys and put them in wooden makeshift coffins back in the compound. Chains then shoots them dead and orders them to be delivered to the DA as a campaign contribution while Nancy freaks out, calling him an asshole. When you’re not only the “bitch” of a biker gang’s leader, but have also been performing extortion scams for him, I’m pretty sure this isn’t the first shitty thing you’ve ever seen him do. But it doesn’t stop there, as after Chains sends Nancy away and declares that he needs a new bitch, Gut then objects as well, saying this isn’t the Brotherhood that he joined and that killing someone in cold blood just ain’t right. Seriously, what the fuck? I have a harder time swallowing the suggestion that these two thought they were in a glee club rather than a hardened douchebag biker gang than I would have chugging a new flavor of McDonald’s milkshake simply named “scabs”. When Gut goes even further and tells Chains that he’s out of line, Chains counters the argument by shoving his hand into the spinning front wheel of a revved up motorbike, which apparently turns it into a makeshift table saw. Touché.

While she gives a heartfelt speech about the burdens of servitude, The Boz stands frozen for 15 minutes trying to figure out how to spell "burden".

Later that night, The Boz returns to the compound to find Nancy standing outside by herself. After telling him all about the previous events of the day, she remarks that she should have left before D-day, the big event that Chains is planning and needs all his money for. Of course, she doesn’t know anything more about it, but when The Boz tries to push her further for details, she asks why he’s asking so many questions. As he stammers out an excuse, she loses interest and says that she’s leaving for good. But since he can’t lose his prime witness, The Boz tells her she shouldn’t go, as she knows all too well that will mean that they’ll hunt her down and kill her. I can’t really see why they’d bother to take the time, but sure, why not? Instead he offers to take her with him when he leaves himself, which for some unknown reason she finds so touching that they start to make out right then and there. And with that, the three men watching this all threw up in their mouths a little. It’s a good thing we weren’t drinking a Mountain Dew at the time, or we could have been killed. Not from the scene, mind you, but just because Mountain Dew is a lethal combination of stomach bile and pig swill.

Later as we see the cops unload the dead bodies delivered to the DA’s house just as Chains had ordered, The Boz takes Nancy to lunch where he receives an urgent message from Lance, who has cleverly disguised himself as a guy who looks like he has no place being their waiter while he hands The Boz a bill with a note scrawled on it. The Boz makes some shitty excuse about having business to take care of and leaves Nancy there to meet Lance in the location requested. But as he leaves the place, Ice sees him and gets suspicious for no discernable reason. A few moments later when The Boz pulls his ridiculously loud Harley into a parking lot where Lance is waiting, which seems like the last thing that you want to be driving when you’re trying to be sneaky, he’s told that because of the dead troopers found, he’s going to be pulled off the case. But that’s no problem for The Boz, the manly man of all men, who simply declares that whether he has permission or not, he swears that he’s going to see this case through to the end. But just then Ice unloads at him and Lance from across the street before tearing off on his bike with cops and The Boz chasing him. Ice easily disposes of the cop with his automatic weapon, leaving only him and The Boz to play a shitty game of douche and mouse. But despite killing faceless cops only moments earlier, Ice somehow manages to miss The Boz when he pulls directly in front of him, about 15 feet away, which is actually quite a feat. They race for what feels like for-goddamn-ever until The Boz pulls up next to Ice and slams into him, causing his opponent to swerve off and run into a fucking car head on at full speed, exploding on impact. And yet, despite the fact that the force of the collision should have throw him like a ragdoll to be brutally battered by the merciless pavement or barbequed to flame-broiled perfection by the substantial explosion if he had somehow managed to stay on his bike, he actually ends up lying peacefully on his back on the ground a short distance away with nothing more than a slightly dirty and bloodied face, even having the wherewithal to curse at The Boz for being a cop before he dies. I’d call bullshit, but I’d just end up shouting my way through the entire movie. Fare thee well, Ice. We hardly knew ye.

Between the explosion and the incredible force of the impact, I think I'm feeling a slight headache coming on. Better have a nap.

Mmmmm...is that mesquite I taste?

As the movie turns back to the compound, Nancy receives the call from the police informant looking to give Chains the results of his query. He’s not there, of course, but since the woman recognizes Nancy’s name, she passes the information to her, telling her that the dude that they inquired about is linked in their systems to a cop named Joe Huff. When The Boz gets back later, she confronts him and accuses him of being a cop. Clearly upset, not as much by the fact that The Boz is a cop as much as the fact that she actually made out with a dude named Joe fucking Huff, Nancy waits until The Boz returns later that day and outright accuses him of being a cop. To his credit, he realizes how limited his own intelligence is, so rather that try to dance around the issue with some half-assed excuse, he flat out admits to it and just walks away. And his gamble seems to pay off, as Nancy still hasn’t ratted him out later that night when the entire gang gathers to put Ice on his bike, hoist him up on a platform, and give him a proper Brotherhood funeral. What is a proper Brotherhood funeral, you ask? Glad you asked. Chains insults him for a little while before getting up on the platform with him to awkwardly make out with his corpse before setting him on fire. And with that, I officially no longer want to be cremated when I die.

Arrggghhh...I'm totally dead.

Later that night, or possibly another night, or likely not set to any given timeline since no one gives the slightest bit of a shit, The Boz meets with Cunningham, Lance, and a random FBI agent named Martinez that has volunteered to work with him on the sting so that they can arrange the drug deal the following night. And after a very brief conversation it apparently cuts directly to the next night where Martinez drops off the truck with The Boz, Chains, and a small contingent of the gang. Just to make things seem even more real, Martinez then plays out the act of demanding more money for the delivery, only for The Boz to gun him down for acting like a punk. Of course, if anyone had taken so much as 2 seconds to notice the distinct lack of blood or holes in his chest, they might have checked his pulse, realized that he was quite alive, and the whole thing would have completely backfired. They get lucky however, as instead they all ride off to make the deal with the Italians. But rather than meeting at the designated place where the FBI are waiting to spring the trap and arrest them all, the band of merry cockmongers ends up guiding The Boz onto an alternate route, stopping at an unknown location where they meet up with Chains and the Italians. Seeing as he obviously has no credible grounds to object to the change in plans, The Boz simply leaves Chains to complete the deal. He gets on his bike, which I’d love to know how it got to this mystery location since he was driving the rig and didn’t know about it, and meets Lance to explain not only how he managed to fuck everything up, but also to warn that someone mentioned something about hitting the DA.

I must stop those drugs before they hurt innocent people. Whoops! I mean even MORE innocent people.

Faced with being responsible for letting 3 dozen drums of illegal downloading onto the streets, The Boz goes back to finds two Italians driving the truck and does the only reasonable thing that a man of action can do. When they refuse to pull over, he shoots the connection between the truck and the trailer, causing them to break away from each other and the trailer to drift into a nearby gas station, causing the entire goddamn thing to go up in a massive fireball. And while the scene ends there, I’d like to take this opportunity to relay a somber message on behalf of The Boz to the family of the old couple who owned that Mom-N-Pop station: fuck you for getting in the way of my extreme justice. Next time trying making sure that you’re not sleeping like idiots in the path of my highly destructive rage. Assholes.

Hey, remember me? The guy that gave you a run for your money in the "Worst Hair In This Movie" competition?

At this point the movie has meandered all over the goddamn place like a one legged man with an inner ear infection for quite long enough, so at last the plot finally begins to set up it’s dramatic conclusion and hopefully get to something that remotely resembles a fucking point. The preparation for the final showdown begins the next day when an ex-military member of the Brotherhood, brilliantly named AWOL, arranges with an old friend in the service to “borrow” a helicopter. And at the same time, The Boz returns to the compound where he’s taken straight to see Chains. At this point it’s obvious that he’s been made as a cop, but rather than discovering that Nancy had squealed on him – because let’s face it, The Boz couldn’t make a woman squeal with an oil tanker of lube and a nuclear powered vibrator – he actually comes face to face with the dude that he claimed to have killed whom had happily returned to Chains to recount the tale of his FBI kidnapping. Of course, Chains shoots the dude dead on the spot anyways, so his loyalty didn’t do him much good. But at that point, Chains decides that instead of killing The Boz, he’d rather break his heart, so he turns and shoots Nancy in the head. Faced with the death of the woman that he spent all of maybe 5 hours alone with and had kissed once, The Boz freaks out only to have Chains puts the gun to his head, pulling the trigger to reveal that it’s empty. Damn. Better luck next time. The gang then reveals that they plan on killing the DA tomorrow as they hold The Boz hostage and prepare a bomb that he will be strapped to for the purposes of creating a diversion that will rain steroid-filled blood, partially digested pork rinds, and a palpable lack of redeemable qualities all over the city.

Exhibit E: All That Build Up For This? Seriously?

It started as a life or death struggle, but when Cat's In The Cradle came on the radio, it became a tearful embrace.

But with that, the time for not quite explaining what the hell is going on properly is over, and the time for action has begun. So the last day of the DA’s appeal to the Supreme Court to have Trouble executed begins, we see Chains disguised as a priest as he sneaks through a checkpoint of the military perimeter guard set up outside of the courthouse. At the same time, AWOL and another biker head towards the area in the helicopter with The Boz and The Bomb secured in the back seat. As they approach, AWOL reveals that the plan is to strap the bomb to him and throw him out when the countdown reaches 20 seconds, creating a distracting explosion. Yes, you heard that correctly. Not only are they starting the countdown on the bomb’s timer before they actually strap it to him, but they’re waiting until there’s only 20 seconds left to do so. That, my friends, might be the dumbest fucking plan that I’ve ever fucking heard. I can’t even fathom how you could possibly think that would actually work as intended. And as even a six month old fetus could tell you would happen, when they reach their destination and the timer gets down to the 20 second mark, The Boz breaks free of his bonds before they have the chance to strap the bomb to him and starts a life or death struggle with the nameless biker that lasts much longer 20 goddamn seconds. Finally The Boz manages to strap the bomb to the dude and kick him out of the helicopter just seconds before it explodes. He then grabs AWOL, and tells him to take him to the courthouse.

While all this drama is taking place in the clouds, the Supreme Court rules in favor of the DA and sentences Trouble to be executed. I would have loved to have heard the legal argument for that, but again, that’s the least of this movie’s problems. Right t that point, after killing Martinez who just happened to be sitting in front of him, Chains stands up in the gallery and pulls out two guns, opening fire on the judges and any random people around him. Naturally at that point, all hell breaks loose and the movie again starts to jump all over the damn place like a humming bird with Attention Deficit Disorder. First a truck tears its way past the military perimeter in the commotion created and unloads a bunch of bikers and their bikes directly into the courthouse. Then it jumps back to Chains, who after killing all the guards, soldiers, and a large number of civilians around him, frees Trouble and turns his attention to the DA. As he begs for his life, Chains replies with a rebuttal that you just know that had been practicing in front of his mirror for the last month before finally shooting him dead:

Chains: “This reminds me of my father’s last words – don’t son, that gun is loaded!”

With the execution carried out, the movie then jumps back to the elite force of bikers, and by elite I mean that they can read at a fourth grade level with crapping themselves and killing a hooker, still riding randomly around the courthouse before cutting to a shot of staggeringly random stupidity. The driver of the truck that dropped them all off runs up and jumps through a plate glass window for no reason particular reason other than perhaps trying out for the Olympic team, landing in an office, only to be shot to death by cops who nail him through the window he just broke. If anyone can tell me a single possible use for that scene, I’d hate to hear it because that means that you’re as insane as the director, so maybe just keep your mouth shut before a squad of men in white coats comes to take you away. Just then the helicopter comes flying at the courthouse as The Boz tries to get AWOL to land, while Chains and Trouble are finally found by the elite bikers, who pick them up and take off again. But once The Boz realizes that none of his threats are going to result in AWOL landing the helicopter any time soon, he simply jumps the fuck out of it, falling about two stories above the roof of the courthouse before smashing through a skylight and falling another two stories to the marble floor. But since this is The goddamn Boz, he immediately gets up and kills a biker who happens to be standing right there, as four stories, glass, and marble aren’t enough to make him break wind, let alone his bones. But now that The Boz has made his way into the building with all the ease of a kidney stone, he wanders around killing random bikers as he goes. The highest profile of these is our old pal Mudfish, who is holding civilians hostage in a room with Gut, who is once again screaming about how this is going too far. Yeah, when you’ve helped to carry out an semi-elaborate plan to kill an innocent public official, that’s completely kosher. But if you happen to knock off a few of his secretaries along the way, you’re a complete turd swizzler. Gut tries to redeem himself, however, throwing himself in the line of fire when Mudfish sees The Boz coming. But that ultimate, selfless sacrifice goes literally without notice, as The Boz ignores him and simply blasts Mudfish right out a window 6 feet behind him like he just hit him with a truck. And just in case you were concerned and wondering if the hostage that Mudfish was holding captive got away, rest assured that she magically disappeared altogether, so it’s kind of a non-issue in a mentally challenged kind of way. But that’s all just a sideshow to the big top event that is the showdown between Chains and The Boz. And as the random bikers swerve around another corner, that’s exactly what we finally get. Perfectly happy to allow the fodder to do its job first, Chains gets off the back of the bike and tells the random biker to go ahead and try to take him out. And when faced with an opponent with an automatic rifle, this intellectual heavyweight decides that the best course of action is simply to charge him with his bike. Fuck, what could possibly go wrong? Oh yeah, right…The Boz simply shoots him and gets out of the way of the passing bike. But what takes this whole exchange from ridiculous to shitterific is that once it sails past him, the bike rockets out a window at the end of the hall and flies outside where it smashes into the helicopter, which AWOL just happens to be hovering in the neighborhood, casually hanging out before he goes up in a massive fireball. Words can’t express the awesome.

Hovering by this window was a way better idea than way up in the sky where no one could see me...OH FUCK!

With the distractions finally out of the way, Chains and The Boz begin their fight, which is admittedly extremely lopsided when you consider that if Lance Henrikson was as old as he looks he would have been dead 10 years ago, while The Boz clearly chugs steroids like he’s doing a keg stand. So after grappling very briefly, Chains is summarily dumped to the floor where he tries to slowly crawl towards his gun. But before he can grab it, The Boz picks him up by the hair and punches him down the large marble staircase at the center of the building. Not quite finished, however, he follows Chains down and picks him up again, puts a gun to his head, pulls the trigger just to find that the gun is empty. Satisfied that the circle of life is complet, The Boz lets Chains go, watching him fall limply down the stairs, clearly turning into a stuntman that looks nothing like Lance Henrikson. And just like the beginning of the movie, it’s at that point that the army and FBI storm in and take control of the building, securing Chains. But anyone who’s ever watched an action movie knows there’s room for at least one more cliché. So as the cops hold Chains in place and try to slap handcuffs on him, he manages to grab a gun from one of them, which he immediately aims towards The Boz. But before he can give us what would have been the perfect ending to this movie, Lance pops up out of nowhere and shoots him dead. As everyone stops to wonder where the fuck he came from, he calmly delivers an absolutely confusing gem:

Fun Fact: Longest uncut shot of a douche in cinematic history.

Lance: “Hey partner. It’s time to turn it on.”

I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean since the action has concluded, but apparently The Boz took that to mean that he should be preheating his stove, as at that moment he suddenly turns and strides away. And as the credits roll, we continue to get a long shot of The Boz exiting the building, walking towards the camera with his shirt open. This goes an insanely long time FOR NO GODDAMN REASON. After ninety hilariously painful seconds, this ends with him stopping just after a crowd of random civilians and just looking off past the camera. You can almost hear his inner monologue: “Wait, which way is my house?”

The Verdict:

Donkey: One of the truly great failing vehicles for a complete failure of a movie star, Stone Cold is as unrelenting in its march towards complete stupidity as it is towards obscurity. After all, now that we’ve looked at the overall story arc, let’s take one last minute to review: An idiot biker decides to blatantly murder a holy man for no reason whatsoever, so the leader of his bike gang decides to pool all of his money and resources into an ultimate revenge scheme, consisting of breaking into a courthouse and killing a district attorney. That’s it. That’s the fucking point of this story. What the hell did Chains plan on happening even if everything went according to plan? Do you think you can kill scores of innocent civilians and government agents and just stroll back to the clubhouse for a nice long vacation? And the best part of the entire affair is that since he didn’t so much as a single person but himself, if The Boz hadn’t been involved in any way whatsoever, Chains would have simply carried out his plan and had his entire gang summarily destroyed regardless. So unless you’ve never heard of someone who’s ever sat next to a guy who’s read a good story, you would have to know that this is goddamn ridiculous. And Brian “The Boz” Bosworth has to be one of the absolute worst action heroes ever to flex his well-oiled man-tits in our direction. The reanimated corpse of Ted Knight stapled to an unwilling Ted McGinley would have combined to make a more charismatic character than this guy. But again, that’s what makes this entire affair so goddamn hilarious. It’s not quite one of the truly elite, but it’s close. I give this movie four and a half stomach turning bikini briefs out of five improbably low-impact head on collisions.

What We Learned:

Donkey: The American legal system apparently works a lot faster than I thought it did, considering that Trouble killed a preacher, was caught, tried, and then convicted all within The Boz’s three week suspension period. That’s rather impressive.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Our sanity, gag reflexes, and ball strength will all be put to the test as we endure the double dong punch of…DOUBLE IMPACT.

Back To The Main Page.

The kid on the poster isn't the actual kid in the movie and there isn't a single creature that looks like that anywhere to be found. But they're not kidding when they say that this will haunt you forever. So I guess one out of three ain't bad.

Donkey: I’m sure you’re like me (and reading this back to myself, I realize that I’m TOTALLY like me…how did I know? That’s fucking brilliant) in that when I think of particular movies, music, or games, I often associate them with certain events that were taking place at the time when I first experienced them. That’s the power of a first impression, and that shit can stay with you forever. So when I first heard about this week’s film and it’s staggering stature among those who have made it a cult classic, I was intrigued yet apprehensive. You see, I had seen the first movie, Troll, years earlier at a time that I’ll never forget. My family was visiting relatives when our parents all decided to go out for dinner and leave me and my brothers to spend the night with our cousins under the supervision of our oldest cousin. And to keep us from lighting ourselves on fire in an attempt to stave off oppressing boredom, they had rented two movies for us to watch. Those two movie were, and keep in mind that I was about ten at the time, Youngblood and Troll. For those of you that haven’t seen them, Youngblood is a hockey movie that’s about as close to real hockey as an episode of Three’s Company, and Troll is a horror movie that’s about as enjoyable to endure as lung cancer. I remember very clearly watching those movies and ending the night with the one clear thought: “Who the fuck picked these goddamn movies?” Of course, much later I realized that particular cousin who was watching over us and had chosen the movies was nuttier than a goddamn O Henry bar, so it made a lot more sense. But for years thereafter, all I could remember was how much I hated those movies almost as much as the entire night on which I watched them. So when it came to watching Troll II for the first time, there was an inherent amount of pain involved before we even pressed play. As it turns out, my fears were unfounded, as Troll II does it’s best to make sure that I can’t even remember the first one existed. God bless you, Troll II. You sure can ease the pain.

The Plot:

Donkey: It’s a special kind of sequel that makes no attempt to be even remotely related to the original, but Troll II takes that kind of brave stupidity one step further. Not only is it not related to the first movie in any conceivable manner, but it’s not even related to its own goddamn title. That’s right; there’s not a single fucking troll in the entire movie. Not one. Hell, the word troll isn’t even so much as uttered by accident, even to describe a really boring method of fishing. Instead the movie is about goblins, and while my inner geek might be showing a little too much here, anyone who’s ever read any fantasy can tell you that a troll and a goblin are not the same damn thing. I can only guess that at this rate the third film would be about a young boy’s battle against the local city council to get the proper permits to rezone his parent’s property title to allow them to subdivide…and that planning committee is made up of blood-thirsty ogres!

So what is this crusty bowl of ballsauce actually about, you ask? Well shut the hell up for a minute and I’ll tell you. It’s the tale of a young boy named Joshua and his average nuclear family vacationing in the fictional town of Nilbog, longing for the peaceful and highly inbred lifestyle that you can only find in a populace the size of a professional football team. But their dreams come to an end when Joshua is warned by the ghost of Grandpa Seth, with whom he communes on a regular basis, that trouble is afoot and that they’re walking into a deadly trap.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Exhibit A: Grandpa Appears In My Room At Night To Tell Me About Monsters…And Touch My Bathing Suit Area

There's something dense about this scene alright, but it ain't the fog.

Donkey: Not bothering to fuck around with pomp, circumstance, or even proper editing, Troll II starts immediately with its first scene and corresponding dialogue literally no more than a second after the roar of the MGM logo, almost tricking you into thinking that you’ve missed a chunk of the movie already. Fear not, as it wouldn’t matter even if you did. The tale opens with an old man named Grandpa Seth telling a bedtime story to his grandson, Joshua. The old timer’s fable is about Peter, a courageous boy of what appears to be about 32, who becomes lost while traveling through the forest due to a dense fog, so thick that it you can barely see it seeing as its undoubtedly made by five crew members blowing cigarette smoke into frame on an otherwise bright, sunny day. Lost and alone, Peter is followed by midgets in burlap sacks and shitty masks that the movie has the audacity to call goblins, until he randomly falls and is knocked out cold. When he awakens some time later, he finds himself faced with a beautiful woman with horribly fake freckles who offers him a shitty green mix of Cool Whip and Jell-O. Once he begins sucking it down without question, he starts to sweat green Kool-Aid or what they call chlorophyll, before turning into a half man and half plant so that the goblins can eat him. The end! Goddamn that’s a great story. And while Joshua tries to digest the unbridled worthlessness of this parable, Grandpa Seth finally gets to the fucking point and explains that goblins are real. This would probably be a more ominous revelation if the goblins didn’t look like complete ass. You might as well have made them out of sock puppets and then hit me with the news that the sock puppets are real. Seriously, how scary can midgets in potato sacks be? But just in case the level of idiocy dropped on us so far wasn’t enough, right about then Josh’s mother steps into his bedroom and asks why he’s still awake. He begins to say that Grandpa Seth was telling him a story when he suddenly slaps a hand over his mouth and we realize that Grandpa Seth was never really there at all. You see, it turns out that Grandpa Seth has been dead for six months despite the fact that Joshua still talks to him on a regular basis.

Before you get to sleep, son, let me ask you something: have I ever told you about that time I killed a drifter and wore him as a jacket?

Why do you keep calling me Hayden Fox?

After settling Josh down for the night, the mother enters the living room where the father is talking about their vacation plans with some unknown dude on the phone. To get back to their settler roots, the family is planning to go to Nilbog, a town with a population of 26, after swapping houses with a local family. But once that riveting conversation ends, the mother turns to the father in all seriousness and asks him who the goblins are. He seems as confused as I am as to why the hell she’d ask him that question, since he hadn’t said a goddamn thing about goblins, but the scene ends before he can ask her what the fuck is wrong with her. I realize this is a very bad attempt to build tension, but it would have made no less sense for her to ask him who framed Roger Rabbit.

I can relate to this. When I'm exercising in the privacy of my bedroom, not only do I wear an outfit that barely contains my balls, but I also wear a weight lifting belt when lifting 15 lbs.

While the parents wrestle with their own idiocy, things prove to be equally mindless back upstairs. After accidentally going to the wrong window and scaring the hell out of Josh, a teenaged boy sneaks into his sister Holly’s room to surprise her while she’s power-lifting in an outfit that’s slowly losing the battle to cover her vagina. Started by the incredibly homely visage of her boyfriend, Elliot, Holly hits the dude square in the nuts, to which he asks if she’s trying to make him a homo. Apparently that’s how they thought people ended up gay in the late 80’s. As he slowly recovers from barely dodging a new love of manchowder, they begin to argue about how much time Elliot spends with his friends, just as his pals conveniently climb up to her window themselves to say hi. At least I think they’re three friends of his. But considering how stupid the idea of three dudes managing to climb up a single ladder at the same time is, it might be that Elliot is friends with a pimply, awkward virgin Hydra. To try to prove to Holly that she’s the only honeypot that he wants to teabag, Elliot offers to come with her and her family on vacation. Of course, he then completely cripples his own point by asking if he could bring his friends, to which she says that he is welcome to join her family in the morning, but if his friends come, she never wants to see him again. I haven’t seen teenage drama this intense since Archie blew off Betty and Veronica to give Jughead a tugjob while he sucked back a dozen hamburgers.

Exhibit B: Fuck Disneyland, Let’s Spend Our Vacation In The Abyss

To once again prove that this movie was edited by a gerbil treating its Attention Deficit Disorder with a cocaine addiction, the movie then suddenly cuts directly to the family van the next day as Holly, Josh, and the parents are driving to Nilbog. Holly’s horrible attempt at crying leads us to believe that Elliot didn’t show up, and this is confirmed a moment later when she and the father begin to argue about how useless he is. To break the tension, the mother demands that Josh must sing that song she likes. After first refusing, he finally begins the mysterious song that she loves so much, treating us to a few bars of…Row Row Row Your Boat. Wow. I guess they’re saving Happy Birthday To You for when they want to kick this party into overdrive. But just when you think things can’t get any worse, they all start singing at once. I’d describe their feeble wailing as being in harmony, but I’m pretty sure the English language would be able to charge me with sexual assault if I did. The scene cuts away from their chorus of insanity to reveal that Elliot and his three friends are trying to catch up in an RV before once again returning to Josh, as he has a nightmare about spouting chlorophyll and turning into a plant as his family are revealed to be goblins. Once he wakes up out of that, the nightmare continues in the real world as the family passes a hitchhiker holding a sign that says “STOP THEM!” Recognizing the mysterious stranger to be Grandpa Seth, Josh convinces his father to stop the van, saying that he’s gotta puke. As soon as they’re stopped, he runs over to get a stern warning from Seth that they’re heading into danger. But before he can provide information that would be in any way useful, the family backs up the van to see what the hell this idiot kid is doing, breaking the spell and allowing Josh to see that he’s actually bantering back and forth with a drifter.

I had a Superman Halloween costume with a plastic mask that was scarier than this.

The family’s journey continues and as they get closer to their destination, the tide of stupidity does little to recede. They pass by Elliot and his friends, who have somehow managed to make it past them and park their RV about fifty feet down an embankment off the side of the road, before finally driving into the vibrant community of Nilbog. Immediately Holly notices that there isn’t a soul to be seen anywhere, but the father assures her that this is normal for a farming community, as everyone is home in bed by this time of night – “This time of night” quite obviously being about 2 PM. They carry on and moments later finally arrive at the house, where the exchange family stands out front waiting for them. They all gather to stand face to face, sizing up the others like they’re about to have a Deathmatch Tug-o-war battle when Josh notices that they all have a scar on them. It’s obviously supposed to be similar, but the only thing that each one has in common is looking like shit. Having little to say, the host family loads into their truck to leave, ignoring Josh’s father as he gives them a sales pitch so awkward that you’d think he was selling harvested baby organs while assuring them that they’ll love his house. But as one last kick in the balls, as the family begins to drive away, the youngest member throws Josh a ball from the back of the truck. Josh catches it and turns it over, revealing green writing that says “eat before we eat you”. Now that makes fucking sense. If I were going to set an elaborate trap to lure in an unsuspecting family into becoming the primary ingredient of my Asshole Casserole, I’d toss out ominous clues that are as subtle as a punch in the babymaker.

Feel free to watch our tv and eat our food, but stay out of our Chinese Fuck Swing!

Now that they’re alone, the Swiss Family Taintstains start to make themselves at home when they discover that a shitty meal has been prepared and left for them. They jump right on it, sitting down to eat so quickly that you’d think they’ve spent the last month fasting, not even bothering to note the fact that every food item, including the drink left for them, is an obnoxious green color. Just then Grandpa Seth appears at nearby window, beckoning Josh over and warning him to stop them from eating anything or they’ll all be killed. So while the family takes an extremely long time to pass the food around without actually eating any, Josh struggles to come up with a plan. To help make things a little easier, Grandpa Seth uses some random power that every ghost apparently has to freeze them all for 30 seconds, with food literally inches from their mouths. At this point I’d like to note that they didn’t have the budget or filming skills to actually freeze the shot of the family while Josh walks around in front of it, so instead the actors do their best to just sit still, failing to do so just enough to make it painfully obvious that no one is actually frozen. After plugging away at his tiny brain while circling them like a vulture, Josh finally comes up with a master plan, climbs up on the table, and pisses on all the food as they snap out of their coma. Of course, I understand how that ruined the food on the table, but I’m not really sure how that managed to stop them from stuffing the food that was less than an inch from their mouths down their throats.

If he had more than 30 seconds to work with, it wouldn't be Josh's piss that was soaking into the food...

You don't piss on hospitality! Generosity, sure, but not hospitality!

With the meal ruined, the father takes Josh upstairs and has delivers an awesome speech, giving a meandering, aimless rant before saying something about a hunger strike. The best line in the whole affair is when he proclaims, “You can’t piss on hospitality…I won’t allow it!” That shit is classic. Left in the bedroom to think about what he’s done or at the very least to ponder why the hell he’d bother saving this gaggle of ass excavators, Josh looks around at the walls to find illustrated pictures of goblins hung everywhere. Again, why the fuck you’d plan an elaborate trap and then put out obvious warnings, I have no idea. Unless that’s goblin porn that the youngest one is spanking it to at night, in which case it makes total sense.

Exhibit C: Buffet Of The Damned

Ouch! This almost broke skin, you sons of bitches!

The movie turns back to the trailer of douches, where Elliot and his three friends are watching a movie that looks so shitty that I MUST know what it is. One of the friends named Arnold decides that he’s had enough and leaves the other three there, going outside the trailer for a cigarette. While I’m sure this is supposed to make him look more mature and badass, when it’s coupled with his “1987 Chess Team Champion” appearance, it actually manages to make him look even fruitier. But in no time at all, he sees a girl in ripped up clothes running through the forest a short distance away, clearly fleeing from danger. Instead of getting help from his other friends, Arnold tears off in pursuit and eventually tackles her. As she explains that she’s been forced to eat something and thinks she’s dying, a group of goblins appears from out of nowhere and approaches them. Not thinking this is bizarre in the slightest, Arnold walks over to them and casually explains that they’ll be in for a world of hurt if they don’t leave. As he walks back to the girl to strut around in his awesomeness, the goblins give him their response in the form of a spear thrown at him, lodging a whole inch into his shoulder. The boys back in the trailer hear his scream, but dismiss it as Arnold getting laid. The only way that’s a fair assumption is if Arnold has a reputation for running into the woods and screaming at the top of his lungs while fucking a pine tree. Otherwise, that’s goddamn retarded.

Back outside, the girl helps Arnold pull the spear out of his shoulder before they wander off deeper into the forest, again because this is a much better fucking idea than going back to the RV and getting the fuck out of there. Moments later they come across a church in the middle of nowhere, entering it to find a bed, a weird alter, and apparently a smoke machine inside. It turns out to be the lair of Creedence Leonore Gielgud, the greatest overactor in the history of cinema and leader of the goblins, who uses a slab of Stonehenge to control the army. Yep, you heard that correctly; Stonehenge. I can’t wait for Spinal Tap and the dancing midgets to show up. Creedence, whom we’ll call CCR out of sheer laziness, welcomes them to her church of, oh let’s say Scientology and offers them a broth to heal their wounds, which consists mostly of dry ice apparently. After they have both sipped the green Kool-Aid, the girl wanders upstairs to a balcony, screaming in agony while Arnold stays below, frozen and watching on. Succumbing to the potion, the girl lies down on the floor and has her entire torso turn into a green slimy cake-like substance. With her transformation now complete, a slew of goblins suddenly appears and begins to feast on her. Well, I think that’s what they’re supposed to be doing. They’re actually just dipping their hands into green slop and smearing it around their unmoving mouths, but who’s keeping score? While watching in what one would assume is supposed to be horror instead of complete boredom, Arnold takes a rather unremarkable line and delivers it at a level of awesomeness that simply cannot be described:

On second thought, those acting lessons might have been a good investment.

Arnold: “They’re eating her. Then they’re going to eat me. Oh my Gooooooddddd!”

Seriously, look that shit up on YouTube and watch it. It shouldn’t be hard to find as it is probably the most referenced line in the movie, but it will take years off your life.

Turning away from that act of unspeakable and apparently unactable horror, we check back in with the family that evening to find Holly in a Garfield nightshirt, performing a fucking ridiculous dance routine in her room to techno music that is about nine intellectual notches beneath a tune that you could produce with a Seiko calculator watch. Unfortunately she gives up shortly, instead entertaining herself by pretending to give Elliot a lecture while staring into her mirror. But just then Grandpa Seth shows up in her mirror, calling for Joshua in a sad attempt to cover for the fact that he was watching in the hopes that she’d take her shirt off. Hearing her scream, the whole family runs up and to investigate. Finding nothing of course, Josh offers to swap rooms with Holly, which she gladly accepts. Once they’re all gone, Josh summons Grandpa Seth in the mirror again, who again warns Joshua that they must leave, revealing that this is the kingdom of the goblins. Yeah, we got that already, asshole. So what’s the point of this scene them, you ask? If you could see that fucking dancing, you’d know. Oh, you’d know.

I'm Batman.

Come on, boy...those short shorts are just begging for it.

With one friend down for the count already, it’s time to pick off the next pawn. So the next day we return to the RV and focus on another one of Elliot’s friends named Drew. He looks in their fridge only to discover that even though the four of them had piled into an RV for a vacation, not one of them was smart enough to bring a single thing to eat or drink. Apparently they were under the impression that their madd skillz with the ladies would allow them to sustain themselves entirely on overflowing buckets of vagina. After being dismissed by a groggy Elliot who’s busy dispelling Holly’s suspicions of his homosexuality by doing some naked spooning with Brent, the fourth friend, Drew decides to literally run into town to pick up some supplies after stopping momentarily to do some light stretching and calisthenics. But his journey isn’t too long, as moments later he gets picked up by the local sheriff, a man named, no shit, Gene Freak. Sheriff Freak offers him a lift into town as well as a bright green fucking Play-Do sandwich, both of which Drew happily accepts without question. After being dropped off at the general store, Drew finds himself faced with a group of hayseeds standing out front, forming a silent gauntlet of inbreeding for him to slink his nervous virgin asshole through. Once he makes it through and enters the store, already sweating the telltale green Kool-Aid of ridiculous doom, he is greeted by the remarkably child molester looking clerk who talks him into accepting a free bottle of Nilbog milk. The clerk begs him to make sure that both he and his friends drink it, in no way confirming that he’s a fucking rapist. With the roofies slowly kicking in, Drew wanders back out of the store and back through the gauntlet elementary school drop outs, who tell him that Arnold left a message for him, asking to meet Drew at the old church. Maybe it’s just me, or maybe the 80’s were a very different time, but if I wanted to get important information to my pal, I wouldn’t assign the biggest group of menacing cornholers the task of spitting a chewing tobacco covered message at him. I might just sashay my ass back to the RV instead, but again, that’s just me.

$50 says that no matter what he's dreaming, it's more coherent than this movie.

But Drew isn’t the only person to visit the thriving metropolis of Nilbog that day. That morning back at the house of shame, the parents discover that they too have nothing to eat or drink, save the several jugs of Nilbog milk sitting in the fridge. However, I’d just like to point out that if you’re going to leave a trap consisting of bottles of milk, hoping that they’ll chug it a succumb to your poison, the milk probably shouldn’t be so thick that it could be mistaken for horse semen. Because apart from possibly the father, I don’t know who the hell would drink that. Eager to prove their meager worth, Josh and the father declare that they’ll make the trek into town for sustenance. They soon arrive at the same corner store, but rather than being greeted by a gauntlet of phonics assassins, they find only a sign saying that the shop is “closed for 20 minutes, back after the sermon is done”. As the father extols the virtue of patience, Josh goes to the sideview mirror on their car and tries to summon Grandpa Seth, only to see a sign in the reflection and realize that “Nilbog” is “Goblin” spelled backwards! How kind-of-not-really clever! He turns back to share this revelation with his father, only to see that he’s completely passed out on a chair by the front door of the corner store. That’s goddamn ridiculous. Narcoleptics don’t slip into an REM state that goddamn quickly. Deciding to take matter into his own hands, Josh rolls off on a $15 skateboard from K-Mart circa 1988.

Someone please explain why the metamorphosis to a plant forces you to hold a fucking mug.

While our hero in Hush Puppies undoubtedly rolls off to get himself killed, we’ll take a quick moment to check in with the other fodder. Back in the church of Scientology, we finally see what became of Arnold as he stands in a pot, slowing growing into a plant while being watered by CCR. The best part of this idiocy is that not only is he a plant himself, but for some reason that I can’t possibly fathom, he’s holding a coffee cup which also has a plant growing out of it. Having learned of the new family in town, CCR decides to take her leave then to deliver a welcome pudding, setting up what has to be one of the most pointless scenes in the movie. She delivers it to the house, introducing herself to the mother just as is Holly is about to head down to the RV to tell Elliot to choose between her or his friends. She drops off the pudding, which is neither eaten nor dismissed as a threat, and then leaves, having learned NOTHING more than she had before she got there. But hey, at least that ate a good ten minutes of film time. Back at the church, Drew wanders in and eventually discovers Arnold’s predicament. He tries to drag his plant pal to freedom by the pot, escaping at glacier like speed. But before he can make it out the door, CCR returns and slaps Drew clear across the room and onto the bed. As punishment for trying to leave, she takes a chainsaw to Arnold, who simply giggles while she does it. Goddamn…I want 30 minutes of my life back.

Let's make this quick. I've got a duet with Barbara Steisand to get to.

With that distraction finished, we return to Josh as he sneaks into a building to find the townspeople listening to a sermon being belted out by a preacher that looks like the bastard lovechild of Barry Gibb and Rowdy Roddy Piper. And because you know how much kids love religion, Josh decides to sneak upstairs and get a closer look, peering down through a hole in the ceiling, about two feet directly above the preacher’s head as the fifth Bee Gee is giving a sermon on the evil meats that people consume, which consists of him naming off a bunch of random foods. Just then Josh’s skateboard falls down from the precarious perch that he left it on. As Josh looks up in surprise, a hand shoots up through the hole in the ceiling and grabs him by the face. He screams, but you can barely hear it above the roar of our laughter. With his cover blown, Josh is taken down to face the mob, who decides that the best course of action is to force-feed him what they call Nilbog ice cream, but what I can Dogsnot Soufflé. But before the goblins can stuff anything into his piehole, Josh’s father, whom has apparently woken up from his little siesta, hears Josh screaming and runs in to interrupt the assault of stupidity. After a couple of tense moments where the father wonders what the hell they were doing while Josh tries to explain to him that these people are actually goblins in disguise, Josh and his father slowly back out of the building like they’re trying not to get mauled by bears. But just to end an idiotic scene with the used diaper smell of the arbitrary, the father and Josh begin driving back to the house and pass by the RV, which for some reason is now about 200 yards down off the road, where they spot Holly arguing with Elliot. The father pulls down and demands that Holly come home. To try to salvage the one opportunity that he might have to get laid that doesn’t involve making the decision to spit or swallow, Elliot decides to join them, leaving behind Brent, the last friend.

It would have been much worse if that hand wasn't Palmolive soft.

Exhibit D: It’s Time To Party Like It’s 1988…And We Just Had Full Frontal Lobotomies

They all arrive back at the house moments later to find the mother is in the company of the entire fucking town. Seriously, how the fuck did all these people manage to make it back to the house before the family did? I realize that the RV has been steadily moving further and further from the road, but unless they had to enter some kind of fucking temporal nexus to get to it, this is preposterous. Regardless, the entire town has decided to throw a surprise welcome party, of course bringing a ton of green fucking food and drinks. The fifth Bee Gee is even there, desperately trying to convince them all to eat the food. But Joshua isn’t falling for anything and tries to warn his family that once they eat, they’ll all be killed horribly and hilariously. His warnings fall on deaf ears, however, as his father sends him straight to his room. Still not ready to let them be killed, no matter how much they all deserve it by now, Josh starts yelling into his mirror, begging for Grandpa Seth’s help. But instead of his face, CCR appears in the mirror for a quick moment before crashing through the glass in goblin form. Umm…okay. But just as that goblin is about to attack Josh, Grandpa Seth appears and chops one of its hands off with his Ghost Hatchet of Justice. Shrieking, the goblin flails itself back into the broken mirror, reforming it and coming out the other side, where CCR lands back in her home with a bloody stump where her hand should be. But this is nothing more than a temporary setback, as she shoves the stump into a fissure of the Stonehenge slab and repairs her hand, screaming the entire time.

Seriously, kid, fuck them all. You set the house on fire, I'll make sure that car doesn't catch fire.

Now that they’re alone, Grandpa Seth grins like an idiot for several awkward seconds before revealing to Josh his plan to save the family, which he doesn’t so much describe as simply suggest by pulling out a Molotov cocktail and a fire extinguisher. But just as the two of them go the house and try to ignite their plan, so to speak, the fifth Bee Gee snatches the Molotov cocktail away and banishes Grandpa Seth back to the netherworld using the power of Jesus. But before Seth goes, he throws his hand forward in desperation, the horrible animation of a lightning bolt flashes on screen, and the preacher suddenly erupts in flames. As he stumbles around, fully engulfed in flames and screaming in a horribly dubbed audio track that sounds like someone recorded a PA in the toilet at the tail end of Enchilada Night, Joshua looks around and confirms that Grandpa Seth is gone. I’m just kidding, by the way. There’s no way this movie had PA’s.

Hearing the explosive commotion, which I’m imaging would sound an awful lot like You Should Be Dancing, everyone begins to pile out of the house. The father uses the fire extinguisher to put out what is now the flaming corpse of the fifth Bee Gee, revealing him in his true goblin form. I guess he’s not… Stayin’ Alive. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!… ha… ha… cough… right, well this is about when the father demands to know what the hell’s going on. But rather than try to explain anything away or cover their tracks, the villagers instead all get pissed about the death of Barry Gibb’s bastard offspring, declaring it’s now the family’s turn to die. And they back up this incredibly ominous threat by standing perfectly still and doing fucking NOTHING while the family just slowly walks backwards through them all and finally running into the house. Sure, why not?

Once inside, the family presses their faces against the windows like autistic blowfish while the villagers turn on the headlights of their car, as I guess it’s fucking nighttime now for some reason. Sheriff Freak proclaims that they’ve got a bag of sandwiches there that will make things easier on the whole family, throwing the fucking bag at the front door of the house with all the grace of a blind gorilla having a fucking seizure. He explains that if they don’t eat the tasty sandwiches, the villagers will have no choice but to kill them violently. Say what you will, it’s pretty neighborly of them to have made sandwiches at this point, rather than just forcing them to eat fistfuls of green slop. Desperate to find a way out, the family finally decides that the best thing to do would be to hold a séance to summon Grandpa Seth.

Exhibit E: This Final Battle’s Not Bad, But It Could Use More Popcorn Fucking

While all this is going on, the movie stops to remind us that there is one last friend of Elliot’s that we have not seen meet with a grizzly demise. So with that in mind, CCR makes her bold and confusing final move, praying to Xenu for all her power, which basically just cures her of the scorching case of mouth herpes that she had been crippled with. Ready to infect an unsuspecting teenager, she travels into the night in search of some premature ejaculation. Meanwhile back in the RV, Brent is watching TV and likely wondering where the fuck everyone is when the TV starts to fuck up. It begins to clear up seconds later, showing him an image of CCR as she approaches the RV with…a cob of corn. She tells him to come outside and see that she’s real, so he does. Finding her exactly where she should be, he takes her back inside where she offers him the corn by shoving it in his face as they sink down into the makeshift bed. He nods, saying that he likes popcorn. She says that’s no problem, they just have to heat it up. And with that, they start to make out with the cob of corn between their mouths. And while this shit goes down, the sound of popcorn popping is heard while crew members throw handfuls of popcorn at them from out of frame. I don’t even know what to say about this. It confuses me on a logical and sexual level to a point that I can’t possibly describe it. Fuck, I need to take a shower.

Oh baby...my dick feels like corn.

Back at the house, they family is performing the séance while the goblins quite literally just stand around outside doing nothing. But calling forth the dead when you don’t really have any experience or direction how to do it isn’t as easy as you might think, so things aren’t exactly progressing as quickly as planned. To help everyone along, Joshua tells the family to “concentrate harder”. Concentrate on what, you ask? I would personally recommend the cover of Neil Diamond’s seminal album, 20 Diamond Hits. I swear the combination of piercing eyes, chest hair, and giant mane could not only summon apparitions on command, but also open a portal directly into the realm of love. But something must have worked, as seconds later the same piss poor animation of lightning flashes across the screen and suddenly Grandpa Seth begins to talk to them all. He declares that he will disappear forever after they destroy the magic stone which gives the goblins their power. He then tells Joshua to concentrate, who in turn puts his head down on the table and passes out. As the mother leans over to check on his, Josh is instantaneously replaced by a goblin, queuing a flood of other goblines into the house. Assuming that they must have been successful, the family abandons their ritual, fleeing upstairs and battling midgets as they go.

Someone get this chick some Valtrex, for God's sake.

We’ll leave them battling the tragically stumpy and instead follow along with Josh who wakes up leaning against an alter in CCR’s church of Scientology, where he prepares to settle the score once and for all. But before he can accomplish much of anything, he is attacked by, go figure, a goblin. But as that goblin tries to strangle Josh, Grandpa Seth shows up and slaps it away before handing Josh a special package, telling him that he can only take out the contents when he really needs it. I’ll tell you what Gramps, you tell me what the hell it is and I might have some context that would allow me to decide when it’s appropriate to use. Having passed on that powerful mystery item of doom, he leads Josh over to the slab of Stonehenge. They touch it, which somehow does something to start a chain of random events. Back at the RV, Brent wakes up in an ocean of popcorn, which is undoubtedly stuck together like caramel corn with cum being the substitute for caramel, just as CCR steps outside and sees her reflection in the sideview mirror and discovers a new outbreak of her scorching case of the herpes. She screams, and that scream travels all the way back to the farmhouse where the family is about to meet their end at the hands of their goblin attackers when they all simply disappear. And not only did her scream summon her goblins, but it also warped them all back to the church of Scientology where they all arrive just after Grandpa Seth disappears again for what is supposed to be the final time. Finding Josh right away, CCR and her goblin army snatch him away, once again ignoring an opportunity to simply kill him in favor of trying to feed him another bowl of green slop. Seeing as this could kind of be interpreted as a dire situation, Josh decides to deploy his secret weapon, delving into the package to produce, as he describes it, a “double-decker balony sandwich”. Stricken with horror and disbelief, seeing as even supernatural creatures realize that no one who has half a brain would actually eat bologna, the goblin horde offer no resistance while he takes chomp after chomp of the sandwich before running back to the stone wall and putting his hands on it once again. But just when it seems like an armada of monsters is about to be destroyed by a dim witted child alone, the family runs in to help, explaning that Grandpa Seth’s voice brought them there. Once they all put their hands on the stone, more shitty lightning flashes across the screen while Josh yells repeatedly for them to concentrate. And with that, the army of half-men begins to wither. CCR starts throwing up green shit, one of them has their eye burst for no reason, and the rest just fall thrashing on the floor with less enthusiasm than a clinical depressive wallowing in melancholy. But as the ordeal finally seems to come to an end, we are left with one final shot where the whole room appears to be empty of both goblins and the family.

Next thing you know, with absolutely no attempt to bridge of the gap whatsoever, we catch up to the family once again as their van pulls into their driveway. Looking like they were just gang raped by a centaur with penis extension, they sit for a moment in quiet reflection before the father declares that he needs to pass by the office. Because in comparison to the massive heap of garbage that they just experienced, paperwork is a fucking pleasure cruise for the soul. Likewise, Elliot and Holly decide to go to his place for no particular reason, leaving Josh and the mother alone at home. Once inside, the mother starts chomping on an apple before going for a shower while Josh goes to his room for a nap. But once he’s there, he hears ominous whispering that he can’t identify. Going to investigate, he returns downstairs just time for another ball to come bouncing downstairs behind him that says “Yummy! Mom is so good!” So I guess that means that a goblin is about to go down on his mom? Horrified at the thought, Josh runs back upstairs to find the shower filled with green shit before running back downstairs to discover that the apple the mother had been eating was filled with the same green shit that we’ve been staring at for the last 90 minutes. He finally turns a corner to discover what we all know is coming; his mother has turned into a green cake corpse with surprisingly conspicuous breasts which is being feasted upon by a group of goblins. Setting up what could be one of the strangest pornos I’ve ever seen, they ask Josh if he’d like a piece of the action. But before the cheesy 70′s music can kick in, the kid screams and the movie ends.

If her flesh turned to cake, did those implants turned to a jelly filling?

It occurred to me while watching what has to be the shortest list of credits in the history of cinema that we never did find out what happened to any of Elliot’s friends. Sure one of them was turning into a plant and being given a chainsaw makeover the last time we saw him, but the others were simply slapped onto a bed and fucked in a vat of popcorn respectively, neither of which are even close to being fatal. So for the sake of finality, lets just say that they opened an unsuccessful pet store together and spent the next two decades trying to sell kittens to goblins. There we go. Now I feel pretty good about this whole affair.

The Verdict:

Donkey: Troll II has achieved legendary status among those of us that love shitty movies, and with good reason. While I wouldn’t call it the greatest shitty movie of all time, as for the moment I would consider Gymkata to be the rightful owner of that title, this is a strong contender. As little as the plot makes sense, and as awesome as it is that it’s completely unrelated to the first film, probably the best part about it is the acting. It’s nearly impossible to describe and you simply MUST see it for yourself. The best way that I can describe it is by saying that the only way that you could reproduce this level of wooden, apathetic, and incompetent delivery would be to hold a kindergarten class at gunpoint and demand that they read your scripts under threat of setting fire to a box of puppies. It’s my sincere pleasure to give this shitfest five villains that are completely unrelated to trolls out of five popcorn orgies.

What We Learned:

Donkey: All those who have stood on both sides of the argument, claiming that homosexuality is either a choice or genetic trait, are wrong. People go queer after getting nailed in the junk, particularly if they sneak into their girlfriend’s room at night. So apparently I dodged a bullet when I was young and my older brother decided to kick me in the balls as hard as he could to test how much it actually hurt, or my passionate love of Tom Jones music is starting to make a lot more sense.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Big money and big prizes as we take a look at the Governator’s…THE RUNNING MAN.

Back To The Main Page.

This is one of the few movie where that banner truly fits. It was uncut because no one bothered to edit it. It was uncensored because no one would have the balls to submit this to a regulatory body. It's unbelievable...well, you'll soon come to understand that part.

Donkey: It goes without saying that talent is a rare thing, but I don’t think most people realize how rare true talent actually is. Most people can only find one thing in life that they’re fairly good at, with the exception of those very few lucky fuckers who are good at everything they do, but they pretty much make us all sick. Since you’re reading this, you’d probably assume that I consider my talent to be writing. Not so. I actually don’t fancy myself to be terribly good at this, but simply feel the need to share the horrors that we’ve seen. No, my true calling lies in clam shucking. Seriously, if you need a bucket of clams shucked the fuck up, you give me a call. But that leads us to another important aspect of talent. While it’s granted that everyone has that one thing that they excel at, the problem is that for most people it’s something that will never earn them a paycheck, let alone a disgustingly inflated paycheck. So when someone’s lucky enough to win the lottery of life and get paid a fact stack of cash to do what they’re good at, it’s naturally quite frustrating for the rest of us when they have the audacity to try to branch out and kick ass in a second field. This could be why there are so few musicians who try their hand at acting and receive any shred of respect. While there a few that manage to pull it off, most are met with the ridicule rightfully deserved when they prove that they barely had one talent in the first place. That brings us to this week’s feature film.

When we were looking through the list of Asylum movies on their website and found a film starring the Insane Clown Posse, it became an immediate must-have for us. After all, ICP is already a shitty band, so the thought of those idiots trying to act promised immeasurable hilarity. Once again, the Asylum didn’t disappoint.

The Plot:

Donkey: If you’ve read any of our previous reviews of Asylum movies, then you know that being a blatant rip-off of an existing Hollywood blockbuster does not necessarily mean that their movie is actually bound in any way to be even remotely fucking related to the source material. If you need an example, feel free to look back at our review of Universal Soldiers, a heartwarming Asylum knock off of Universal Soldier that takes the majesty of JCVD and Dolph Lundgren battling both acid flashbacks on one another to settle a dispute that began in Vietnam and replaces it with a dozen unremarkable douchebags running around in the woods in the hopes of accomplishing little more than shouting one another into oblivion before a giant Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 rises up to destroy them all.

But that being said, every once in a while the Asylum manages to surprise you and actually land extremely close to the mark. Such is the case with Death Racers, which is a cinematic orgasm based on – hold on to your hats – Death Race. Now, I know what you’re saying to yourself right now and I agree: I too was hoping that while named after Death Race, the movie would actually be a rip off of Funny Farm, but alas such is not the case. In both movies, the story is set in the year 20-who-gives-a-shit, telling the tale of convicted felons competing in a hybrid street race/demolition derby for the chance to win their freedom. The differences in this case being that the racers are actually being used to assassinate a criminal leader harboring a shitty plan that might accomplish something evil that would be even remotely terrifying if we could figure out how it works, and the entirely respectable Jason Statham has been replaced by a duo of shockingly untalented white rappers that I can’t figure out why the hell I recognize.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Exhibit A: Don’t Fear The Reaper…He’s Just A Pudgy, Terrible Actor In A Vest

Donkey: This week’s festival of pain climbs aboard a rocket sled of stunted imagination and barrels us forward into the future, stopping first a distant three years from now. As stock footage of fires and random destruction flashes across the screen, a narrator describes a revolution started by “the disillusioned masses” which causes liberty to vanish. If you’re wondering what exactly the masses are so disillusioned about, take heart that while the film doesn’t say, we can just go ahead and assume that it’s a nationwide panic triggered when Nerds candy is taken off the market. Flash forward next to the year 2033, where the President of the United States declares Marshall Law, opening a massive penal colony called the Red Zone which becomes the home of over a million insane and horrifically violent felons. And now that we’ve set up an unmotivated uprising that resulted in an inexplicably over populated sleep-away camp for axe murderers, we’re ready to jump in with both feet.

Nuclear explosion be damned, I've got to finish synthesizing a new strain of Cream Soda.

Once that useless narration comes to an end, the prologue continues with an introduction to the source of conflict which is to become the basis of the movie. And since it’s the basis of an Asylum film, it’s quite appropriate that it makes little to no sense. It begins with the Red Zone’s resident scientist playing with a beaker in front of an image of a nuke going off, likely symbolizing his research into a homemade cure for the extreme burning sensation that he experiences when he pees. But before he can administer his Kool-Aid based cure, he’s interrupted by the overlord of the Red Zone, a man in a shitty vest and toque combo named the Reaper. As the Reaper begins to give the doctor shit for his lack of progress on preparing the top secret sarin gas for his upcoming planned attack, neither of them notice that they are being filmed by a young dude who has snuck into the lab. Of course, it’s understandable that they don’t see him, considering that he’s hiding a whopping two feet away from them. As the Reaper gives the doctor a deadline of two weeks to complete his work, he steps on a mouse to show how serious he is. Fuck, there goes to most likable character in the movie. Rest in peace, Mr Cheesypants McSqueakington. Of course, it would be a lot more upsetting if it didn’t cut from the shot of a mouse pinned under the Reaper’s boot directly to a shot of him stepping down into what is clearly a puddle of strawberry jam. Flinching in the face of this act of condiment-based brutality, the kid knocks into shit causing the Reaper to turn his head ever so slightly and finally notice him. As the kid bolts out the door, the Reaper tells a third man in the room to “find and kill the kid with the camera”. The random dude goes to carry out the order and at this point we discover that despite looking completely unremarkable in any way, this random dude is apparently some kind of android as indescribably shitty robot sounds are dubbed over his every move. With the chase now on, the kid runs out in the hallway outside the lab, gives the camera to some random dude in a hazmat suit standing there, and ducks under a nearby table. The android appears seconds later, walks up to the random bastard holding the camera, and without so much as a word, punches his fist straight through this his exceptionally confused chest. Besides the obvious criticism of how fucking terrible the shot of the first punching through the chest looks, I’m quite startled that you’d bother to build an android if it was so stupid that it actually fell for that. As the doctor and the Reaper come out to see what happened, the robot hands them the camera. The doctor takes a quick look and notices that it has Wi-Fi, concluding that the stream of images must have already been transmitted, so everyone will know their plan by now. The Reaper says that’s okay, that just means that the doctor now has four days to complete his work, or as the unnecessarily slowed-down repetition shot that follows it directly says, “fffffooooouuuurrrr ddaaaayyyysss”.

Robotic chiropractors: a bad idea.

Now that our introduction into this world is complete, it’s time to roll the opening credits while two stars of the movie, both members of the band Insane Clown Posse, drop their latest failed attempt at a hit single. And I’d like to take a moment to note how much I admire these assholes. It takes an immeasurable amount of maturity and poetic brilliance to drop a track with a title like Fuck The World (Fuck Them All). I can only hope that the closing credits of the movie play their equally brilliant follow-up, My Mom Made Me Clean My Room (I Hate That Bitch).

Rock on, random maps!

The meat of the film begins in an office where our favorite Burgess Meredith impersonator, also known as the coach in Street Racer who introduced us to the genius of go-kart practicing for street racing, is playing Reagan Black, the Governor of California. He’s surrounded by three other people, one of whom may or may not be the President of the United States. They hint at it but don’t say for sure, and really, it makes little difference. After looking at a series of blueprints and diagrams of the Red Zone which look more like schematics for Snoopy Snowcone Machine, they have a fucking ridiculous conversation so poorly delivered that it makes the already terrible script impossible to keep up with. As far as I can tell, they’re either talking about their favorite Rush album or else something about the criminals having access to the water supply and sarin gas, but I can’t tell which is the case. All I know is that my favorite part of the whole improved mess is the Governor saying, “Godddamn Red Zone – dumping a shitload of cock tit criminals in the middle of a walled-off city in the middle of my state – when was that ever in a million rimjob years thought to be a good idea, huh?” Exactly, sir. Thank you for commenting on how fucking stupid the entire premise for the movie is right off the bat. Not many movies have the courage to come right out and declare how retarded they are. But anyways, at the end of this verbal diarrhea the Governor proposes that the only way that they can infiltrate the Red Zone and stop the Reaper is by holding something called a Savage Run, even though one of his cronies points out that they’re illegal. But the Governor says that it won’t be a Savage Run. No, instead they’ll change the name to a Death Race, the objective of which will be to kill the Reaper. I have news for you, Poncho: that’s not fooling anyone. They may have changed the name of the show from A Night Of Synchronized Ball Cradling to Dancing With The Stars, but I’m still quite aware that it’s an extravaganza of fruity dancing.

Exhibit B: Stereotypes Are Hilarious

Apparently a Death Race is easier to set up than a drooling match at an old folks’ home, as not seconds after the Governor is rubbing himself off over his own genius, we jump immediately into the prime-time network premier of the Death Race, or as the announcer screams repeatedly, “DEATH RACE!!!”, where it recaps the entire history of the Red Zone for no reason before introducing us to the teams that will serve as contestants:

WE LOVE TACOS!

SHG (or the Severed Head Gang): The first team is a not-quite-Hispanic duo who belongs to the nation’s biggest gang, introduced while doing about five minutes of their best ethnic gangster posing and random shouting. This team features another actor from Street Racer, who played Mickey Styles, the evil nemesis who had inexplicable fetish for calling the main character, Johnny, by name with inappropriate frequency. And much like Champagne Rifle Man, he’s therefore earned a special spot in our hearts, forever known to us as Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny. But to save space and my fingers from all that typing, we’ll just call him the J-Quad. After introducing the team, the movie then introduces us to the sweet ride that they’ll be piloting through the race; a Lincoln Towncar with a goddamn fake severed head on the hood.

Don't ask don't tell my ass. There's gay, and then there's ARMY GAY.

Homeland Security: This team consists of two ex-army dudes in camouflage fatigues driving a Jeep with a shitty homemade rocket launcher mounted on it, as well as two massive M-19 guns on either side of the hood. With absolutely nothing else remarkable about them, these two are so generic that they might as well have been painted green and named “Army Men”. Seriously, I have house plants with more personality than these assholes. They’re exactly like those assholes you see staring at themselves in a mirror at the gym while blasting their triceps. Later on in the movie it will later be revealed that there are narcs in the group of contestants and holy shit, I wonder who that would be?

That's what real lesbians look like, right? Right?

Vaginamyte: The token female team that serves only to give any preteens viewers an uncomfortable stiffness in the pants, it consists of two girls named Queen B and Double D-struction. They are two pseudo-lesbian cannibals who lure men into their web, fuck them, and then devour them. Wow. What fucking ten year old wrote this bullshit? And to make it even more insulting, they’re driving a fucking Lotus. That makes sense, because if I were about to pilot my way through a battle with hordes of criminally insane convicts, I’d choose a goddamn expensive and fragile sports car. But don’t worry because they too have a shitty fake rocket launcher that looks like it was made out of polyethylene piping and duct tape on its roof. The male news anchor describes the cars as being able to go from “zero to suck my dick in 4.1 seconds”. Holy shit. How do you top that kind of maturity? Easily, actually, with our last team…

The skinny one is planning exactly how he's going to beat his girlfriend when he gets home, while the fat one begs for a treat. Who hired these assholes?

Insane Clown Posse: These two shitty rappers in real life play themselves, of course, despite the fact that it makes no goddamn sense. If this is supposed to be 2033 and they’re a garbage band from the late 90′s, that would make them over fifty years old at this point. And while Chubs McGee and the Emaciated Pole Smoker (I couldn’t be bothered to learn their actual names) look like they’ve been beaten with the ugly stick for about half a century, clearly neither of them are that old. Regardless, the movie explains that they still have a strong fan base despite their music being illegal for 13 years. First of all ICP has NEVER had a strong fan base. And secondly, I don’t care how terrible the dystopian future you have dreamed up is supposed to be…if ICP becomes illegal, count me in. But anyways, the movie continues by saying that these two assclowns were “scapegoated” for a series of massacres inspired by their “hardcore” music before comparing them to Hitler. Actually, that’s pretty believable. I can tell you right now that if I were forced to listen to an entire ICP album, somebody would have to pay. Their introduction comes to an end as we see that for this competition, ICP will be driving an ice cream truck with a fucking meat grinder on the front. Yes, a meat grinder. I guess a food processor would be just a little too stupid.

After the Reaper watches the premier of this nationally telecast bounty on his head, he declares that he needs the Doctor to finish his work today. Then the movie switches straight back to our group of contestants where after amazing us by not even being able to make squabbling with each other sound natural, they gather around a TV rolled out on a cart that displays a live feed to the Governor himself. He recaps their mission, laying out the arbitrary and completely irrelevant point system that comprises their game: 10 points for each random thug, 200 points for killing the Reaper, and 400 points for bringing him in alive. I’m not really sure what the point of bringing him in alive would be though, since he’s already in a fucking penal colony. What are you going to do? Throw him back in jail? The Governor also explains that freedom for each team requires a score of 1,000 points. When J-Quad’s partner asks what happens if they decide to just drive away, the Governor uses a remote control to set off a bomb strapped to his neck, exploding his head. I’d tell you this special effect is so terrible that it looks like an explosion of Alphaghetti, but I think that goes without saying by now. After this unnecessarily brutal show of force, the Governor warns that they have until sunset to bring back the Reaper.

Please God, someone make ICP stop rapping....NOOO!!!

Now that their objective is clear, not to mention idiotic, the teams jump in their vehicles and prepare to officially begin the race. But before they do, they hit us with some more random fucking exposition that just continues to pile on the stereotypical laziness. The two chicks are suddenly brandishing a vibrator for no reason while the J-Quad flirts very badly with them, throwing out every goddamn Latino slang term that he can think of. The other two teams say something as well, but you can’t hear them above the sound of their engines revving, which is probably for the best since it would have undoubtedly added nothing to the scene anyways, but is still laughable nonetheless. Good God, I love you, Asylum. And while this is going on, we turn back to the Red Zone just long enough for the Reaper to kill a random lab tech while complaining that the sarin gas levels in the water are too low before he’s informed that the race is about to begin. The best part of this shining moment of brilliance would have to be seeing the Reaper clearly spouting out dialogue for which there is no audio whatsoever, hereby proving my theory that this movie was edited using an old VCR spliced together with a Speak-And-Spell. But before leaving our pudgy villain again, he orders an army of disposable punks to meet the contestants, obviously hoping to clog his attackers’ engines with their internal organs.

Exhibit C: Ladies And Gentlemen, Start Your Severe Rectal Bleeding

DEATH RACE!!! With the official start of the race at hand, once again the newscast begins with that goddamn scream that we’ll hear all too often before they review the vehicles and plot of the race, because we really need to hear all that again. Finally after a rather underwhelming countdown, the party is finally underway and the vehicles tear off. Well, the films speed is increased to make it look like they’re tearing off, but then inexplicably slows back down to normal speed, clearly showing that they might as well be driving through a school zone. As they meet up with the horde of people waiting to engage in battle, and keep in mind that when I say a “horde” in an Asylum film, I mean the dozen or so family members of the cast that are filmed from different angles to make them look more numerous. As the teams begin to unload their cannons while swerving around slowly, they begin to run over those that they don’t shoot. And by run over, I mean they drive up to someone then cut to an extreme close up shot of the car running over a fake body parts. But to really distinguish our teams from one another, they each apply their own brand of stupidity to the scene. J-Quad shoots a single rocket at a dude kneeling in the road about ten feet in front of him, destroying him in an explosion so small that it there’s no way a rocket could possibly produce it. A punctured aerosol can, maybe, but not a rocket. Not to be outdone, the girls back up into a dude at the same speed that most of us would back out of a parking spot, hitting him to the ground where his head splits in half cleanly down the middle, which just makes no goddamn sense at all. And of course, ICP feeds a dude who falls to the ground into their meat grinder which results in only about four tablespoons of red corn syrup to fly out of a exhaust spout. And finally, the soldier boys get out and fight people by hand, which seems to defeat the purpose of vehicle-based combat entirely.

Well no wonder this guy's head split in half. He doesn't have an opening for his mouth or eyes.

With the insanity under way, we check back into the Red Zone where the doctor works feverishly, inserting liquid into a glass container using a turkey baster, which is pretty much exactly what he’s done the entire movie up to this point, because that’s pretty much all science is. As the Reaper saunters in again, they have the same argument old argument where he tells the doctor to go to full capacity and the doctor explains why that would be stupid. Goddamn. And speaking of things that just don’t get old…

That's right, Chuck, it looks like SHG's only chance to win at this point is to find the warp whistle that would take them straight to World 8-1!

DEATH RACE!!! The news broadcast kicks in again, giving us the point total for each team so far, like that means a goddamn thing to us or has any bearing whatsoever on the outcome of the movie (foreshadowing: it doesn’t). With yet another few minutes of film completely wasted for no other purpose than to pass the time, we journey back out to the Red Zone where all four teams stop together inexplicably, one can only guess to have a circle jerk. After more pointless and incredibly unnatural banter, they realize that it might be exceptionally stupid to just stand around doing nothing. One by one they jump back into their shitty cruisers and leave until only ICP remains, leaving them to take axes to a small gang that comes running out to do little more than pad ICP’s irrelevant score. But once they’re finished, a massive explosion goes off causing a mushroom cloud a short distance away. As ICP runs over to investigate, it turns out to be the Homeland Security team being killed, as their jeep has gone up in a massive fireball. So just to recap, hitting a dude with a rocket launcher creates an explosion about four feet in diameter, whereas blowing up a jeep results in a fucking mushroom cloud. So along with quality, logic, acting, editing, etc, the movie also manages to shit on the concept of proportion. As ICP stands and watches the jeep burn, the young kid from the beginning of the movie sneaks up to film them, once again from two feet away and this time out in the open. Naturally the two painted tragedies notice him eventually, so he explains that his name is FX and he’s been filming the Red Zone all his life. I’m not really sure why, but they take a shining to him and decide to bring him along.

It takes them a while to notice him since this is exactly what kind of media coverage they're used to.

Hold on, I need to update my Facebook status...

DEATH RACE!!! The news announces the death of Homeland Security before updating the scores again, which I guess means that there’s a whole lot more killing that they couldn’t be bothered to show us. While watching this news, the Governor is informed by his female underling that the Reaper has found a way into the water supply. She then gives a ton of details that make no fucking sense even if you really concentrated on listening, which no one in their right mind would. And after checking in with one group of idiots smashing together plans like a remedial class playing with Silly Putty, we turn to their mirrors in the Red Zone, where once again the Reaper argues with the doctor about his progress. Fuck, someone stop this. His goth hooker companion then enters the room and announces that their ambush is ready. Nevertheless, the Reaper is still getting impatient, so he takes over the doctor’s laptop and starts adjusting his iTunes playlist, which is supposed to be him increasing the gas or the pressure or some bullshit. To show how he’s pushing the system to dangerous limits, the film shows two shots of two different pipes rattling slightly. Now that’s intense!

DEATH RACE!!! Once again we turn back to the news anchors who update the fucking totals, despite having not seen anyone get killed since the last update. Goddamn. Meanwhile J-Quad, the girls, and ICP all meet again out in the field, since I guess none of them realize that this is a competition. At this point I think we can definitely conclude that calling this a race is about as accurate as calling it a corporate team-building retreat. Anyways, ICP lets the other two teams know that FX has warned them that they’re about to walk into a trap set by the Reaper. But fear not, as ICP says they’ve got a plan. Don’t hold your breath, though, as I’m pretty sure it involves telling the world how hardcore you are while playing Halo 3 in your mom’s basement.

Ouch...my dignity...

Ready to counter the certain doom that is waiting for them, the teams pull up to a warehouse which is apparently the site of the trap. I’m not really sure how the Reaper figured that they would pass through this particular warehouse, but that’s the least of the questions plaguing me at this point. The first group into action is J-Quad and the black haired member of Vaginamyte, Double D-struction. Why they’re teamed up, I have no idea. They pull up next to the warehouse, get out of their car, walk ten feet, and look around a corner to see three dudes standing with their backs turned, waiting to attack through a nearby door. What’s absolutely remarkable is the fact that they’re only standing about four feet away. How the fuck did those dudes not hear a car pull up with two noisy idiots talking as they get out of it? The pair goes back to J-Quad’s car and pulls random weapons from his trunk. Moments later, J-Quad then rushes around the corner and impales the three men on his…spear? Really? Who the fuck even has a spear, let alone in their trunk? Meanwhile, the other member of Vaginamyte, Queen B, and ICP sneak inside a different entrance of the warehouse. After ICP decapitates two dudes who, again, don’t notice someone walking up behind them, Queen B then distracts two other dudes by showing them her titties while ICP kills them from behind. And while this isn’t quite on par with another one of our Asylum favorites, Sad Titties from Snakes On A Train, the idea of this woman baring her tits for this movie just makes me want to cry. But with that, the trap is officially sprung, leaving the teams to congratulate one another for defeating an ambush that would have been perpetrated by a group of thugs that outnumbered them by an overwhelming TWO guys.

Thank God young Timmy was there, setting off his toy rocket or this could have been an epic bloodbath.

But while this is going on, our wee pal FX is waiting in ICP’s ice cream truck where he suddenly gets his ass killed by the goddamn android, which appears out of nowhere. But that’s not the end of the horror. After the three remaining teams once again begin some remarkably stilted bickering inside the warehouse, the android busts into the room and begins slapping them all around with the greatest of ease. But once watching these idiots getting tossed around quite poorly starts to get old, two masked dudes run into the scene and hit it with a fucking rocket launcher. But before you wonder if the explosion from this rocket launcher is either unfathomably small or the size of a nuclear blast, let me put your mind at ease by specifying that in this case, the rocket doesn’t explode at all. It just hits the android and knocks it over through the magic of obviously sped up film. But hey, at least that stupidity distracts you for a brief moment from the rather goddamn obvious mystery of who the masked duo happens to be. Once it recovers from this barely inconvenient attack, the android gets up and runs off for no imaginable reason. Apparently not only did someone program this thing to be fooled by handing an object to a complete stranger, but also to abandon its prey, no matter how easily it can be defeated, the moment that it’s knocked over. Not questioning their luck, the three teams wander back outside to find the tires of their respective vehicles slashed, as well as other invisible damage that they don’t have the budget to show. Undaunted and still in no rush, they take their cars into the warehouse and fix them, wasting both screen time and my time.

Pssttt...I just pooped a little.

DEATH RACE!!! Again we return to the television broadcast for no other reason than to get an update on the current scores. Fuck. I swear the two people playing the news anchors must have blown someone to get screen time, no matter how unnecessary it is. And with that mandatory waste of time complete, we turn to another, as we gaze in on the Reaper, who verbally molests his random goth hooker companion with dialogue we can’t fucking hear. As the sexual stumbling comes to an end, I’m pretty sure that while the Reaper has cum in his pants, I’ll never get an erection again. We finally get to the goddamn point of the scene seconds later when she recovers from his assault to let him know that the trap didn’t work. Wow. That was completely worth it.

Exhibit D: I’m Fully Trained In The Martial Arts…Of Love

And they laughed at J-Quad when we said that he planned to go straight to a gardening job right after the race.

At this point it becomes clear that the already incredibly shallow pool of ideas for this movie has gone completely dry, as things start to get really fucking bizarre. We catch up with J-Quad, cruising along on his own when he comes across a beat up shed with a single table out front and a spray painted sign that says “Bar”. Being a fan of prison wine, he naturally decides that it would be a great idea to stop and ask the one dude sitting there for whatever he’s got. But as fucking retarded as that sounds, it gets even better. He then turns his back for absolutely no reason while the dude gets up and pisses in a cup. He then turns around and takes the cup from the man, taking a big swig while the dude laughs at how fucking stupid he is. Angered by the hot, salty mouthful of karma that is so badly deserved, J-Quad starts laying a beatdown on the bartender before eventually pissing right on the dude’s face. And as he’s zipping up and walking away from they beaten and piss covered body, three more guys come around the corner and run at him. I thought that swigging piss couldn’t be topped, but just then J-Quad goes and gets a fucking scythe out of the trunk of his car and kills the three dudes with it. Yep, a scythe. So to recap, this dude decided that going into a vehicle based melee, it would be wise to carry a spear and a scythe with him. But while the J-Quad stands there over the fallen masses, quite satisfied with his idiocy, the bartender trundles up and hits him in the back of the head with a pipe wrench, knocking him out cold. He wakes up some time later, hanging by chains as the bar man prepares to kill him. But before he has the chance to meet his grisly and well deserved end, the mystery duo in black appears again, shooting the bartender in the back, freeing J-Quad, and running like hell. Why save someone as useless as J-Quad? I have no goddamn idea.

While he's picturing that time he made out with his cousin, she's throwing up in her mouth a little.

Not to be outdone in sheer stupidity, we leave our bandito pal and turn to ICP as they drive along only to run across something bizarre themselves. But instead of a shitty piss bar, they find two random chicks in mini-skirts and high heels. After the painted turds pull over and toss around promises that can only result in extreme sexual disappointment, these two chicks decide to climb aboard and guide them away. We catch up with them moments later as they all sit around in a random goddamn tent. The Emaciated Pole Smoker rubs an axe over one chick’s nipples while Chubs McGee brags about being a big boy all over, which she’ll find out “when she gets plowed in a minute”. For the record, listening to this fat bastard brag about his penis is every bit as sickening as you can imagine. This dude looks like he smells like pee. Just then another woman strides in, claiming to be the leader of the Whores of Babylon, an organization of loose chicks. She says something about their reputation as poets preceding their arrival in the Red Zone, pretending to seduce them before pulling out pruning sheers and threatening to take their balls. While I’m all for it, I’m not really sure what the point of this is. But that promise goes unanswered as ICP manages to turn the tables and kill the women instead, hacking at their bodies with a hatchet and a rather disturbing amount of sheer glee plastered across their faces. Seriously, these dudes have fucking issues.

As we check in with our last team, things go from bizarre to downright insanely hilarious. When Vaginamyte stops their car to have a casual and pointless argument amongst themselves, they get attacked by the android for a quick moment before it steals Queen B and takes off. In desperation, Double D-struction eventually turns to the one exceptionally useless man that she can find, demanding that J-Quad help in finding her missing partner. To secure his agreement, they inexplicably start making out against the side of a building. And while her partner wastes time sucking on a greasy taco, Queen B wakes up in a strange room lying face down and tied to a metal table. Moments later she is thrust into a hell previously thought unimaginable as the android, I’m shitting you negative, straps on a massive metal robo-cock and starts to rape her. Okay, that’s fucking insane. But fortunately for her, Double D-struction and J-Quad hear her screams of terror right away, as apparently they were making out directly against the outside of the very building that she’s being raped in. After the two of them burst into the room and free Queen B from her restraints, the three of them join together to beat the android to death. Considering he was slapping all five contestants around like it wasn’t even a chore a few minutes ago, it’s surprising that it was so easy to defeat him this time. But again, that’s the least of this scene’s problems.

If you've ever wondered if a scene in a film could give your toaster a boner, behold...

Having sat through that cavalcade of insanity, the movie eases off the accelerator for a moment and returns to some pointless monotony. After taking a moment to show us the doctor ordering an assistant to inform the Reaper that his gas-based attack is finally ready, we then turn back to the Governor and his three jackass companions as they stand around listening to a ham radio, once again talking about something so cryptically that it’s not worth the technical institute diploma required to stave off the brain aneurysm and pay attention.

Look, all I said was that Melissa Ethridge is overrated.

And speaking of pointless, the movie then returns to the contestants just in time to see J-Quad and the two women leaving scene of the funniest rape scene in the history of cinema. Queen B and J-Quad begin to fight over the attention of Double D-struction, and that fight quickly turns physical. After kicking the J-Quad straight in the balls, Queen B backs up into him with her car repeatedly. And if that wasn’t stupid enough, she then grabs the hood ornament off J-Quad’s car, ripping the fake head off of it and using the blade to stab him almost to death. But just as Double D-struction finally steps in to try to calm Queen B down, J-Quad pulls out a gun and shoots her in the back. They both die, leaving Double D-struction to wander if a pet dog would be a better companion and lover at this point than either men or women.

With only one full team actually remaining in the competition, ICP manages to finally arrive at the Reaper’s complex just as the sarin gas is about to be released. But before we can finally get to the conclusion of the film, it’s time once again for…

Sorry about that hatchet to the shoulder...Wait! Is that a spider?!

DEATH RACE!!! We return to our news coverage of the race, which reviews the death of J-Quad and Queen B and then, guess what, updates the goddamn scores. With that mandatory punch in the face delivered, we return to the Red Zone as ICP and Double D as they stumble upon one another in the Reaper’s complex. As the Insane Clown Pansies stalk through a hallway with their hatchets cocked and ready, Double D-struction turns a corner just in front of them only to get a hatchet to the collar bone. Chubs McGee asks the Emaciated Pole Smoker why the hell he did that, to which the EPS shrugs and replies that he didn’t mean to, that she walked into it. Chubs McGee shakes his head, declaring that he’ll go to hell for that one. Yeah, that bunch of chicks that you just butchered was cool, but killing this chick will get you a penthouse suite in Hades. But since the subject of Satan has come up, that gives the boys a rather irrelevant reason to start belting out one of their shitty songs about rubbing off the devil or something while they walk away.

As the movie takes a break, it returns to the Governor and his three idiots who have another incomprehensible conversation while examining satellite imagery of fucking NOTHING, all the while chuckling about their inside guys. Seriously, who could that be?! Before the answer comes, it’s time once again for…

DEATH RACE!!! We return to the news broadcast just for the anchor to sum up the situation as, “Two clowns against one insane man. Who will win?” And that’s it. That’s the entire scene.

Exhibit E: No Matter Who Crosses The Finish Line, We All Lose

We return to the Red Zone where the Reaper and the doctor begin to release the gas just as ICP comes rushing in. They kill the doctor with a ridiculously unlikely hatchet throw, but just to be sure that they got the job done, the Emaciated Pole Smoker takes a couple of minutes to hack at the doctor’s body while the Reaper stands a couple of feet away and does absolutely nothing. But just as we wonder if everyone will simply die of boredom, the mystery duo dressed in black appears again and finally reveals their true identity. Why it was Homeland Security, the only team of ex-government agents in the pack who just happened to arbitrarily go missing after a completely unmotivated mushroom cloud explosion! Who could have possibly predicted that?! They blow a hole in the roof causing it to collapse on the room’s occupants before rappelling down to admire their handiwork. After looking through the rubble for about 12 seconds, they leave the complex altogether just before ICP comes crawling out of the debris. Chubs McGee has an injured leg, so severely that it couldn’t possibly be fatal unless he rolled around in a vast of the flesh eating virus, so he sends the EPS to get revenge without him. I would suspect that it’s actually not the injury that’s keeping him behind, but rather the fact that he’s noticed a nearby box of Twinkies. But either way, as long as the scene ends, I’m happy. But say, do you know what we haven’t heard in a while?

Dear God, man, don't pull that out or you might spout a fountain of KFC gravy.

DEATH RACE!!! With the race officially declared over, the news anchors announce the sudden return of Homeland Security and declare them the winners. Moments later, they cut to live footage of the race’s finish line where the Governor giving a speech about their “coalition rebuilding the nation”, whatever the fuck that means, as the winning team arrives in the ICP ice cream truck. But while the jubilation goes on, we return to the Red Zone where Chubs McGee is still inching his way towards that box of Twinkies when the Reaper emerges to talk about the destruction that was to be. The tubby Ronald McDonald likes his plan until he realizes that his home city of Detroit would also be affected by the devastation, so the two men start grappling with less skill than two homeless men fighting over discarded pizza crusts. And while this is going on, the Emaciated Pole Smoker pops up back at the finish line and unloads an MK47 at the Governor, killing some of his men and proving…well, pretty much nothing. But as the Governor ducks behind his podium, he uses the implant in the ICP to blow up both Chubs McGee and the EPS’s explosive neck implants. But just before dying, they both yell, “Fuck the world”. I’m not really sure if it matters at this point, but the bomb in Chubs McGee’s neck not only detonates his significantly empty head, but it also sets off a massive explosion in the Red Zone. It serves no real purpose, other than to be one last ‘fuck you’ to all the resident convicts, but then useless pretty much describes the entire movie anyways.

At that point, the movie finally comes to an end. But wait…how about a remarkably shitty epilogue to blow one last fart directly in our faces. We see Double D-struction climbing a small hill, looking to be on death’s doorstep from the massive blood loss that she no doubt suffered from getting a fucking hatchet to the collar bone. But once she finally makes it to the top of the hill, she turns her back to us and walks about ten paces before spinning back around to strike a ridiculous pose for the camera. Good God. I think we were all just raped with that robo-cock.

The Verdict:

Donkey: Death Racers has everything you could possibly ask for, provided you were asking for someone to throw up on your face after impregnating your cat. Having famous musicians acting in your film is almost always a risky venture, but when it happens to be musicians that I need to punch myself in the balls repeatedly while chanting “Y2K” to even remotely remember, your pretty much just setting yourself up to fail. And if you’re going to feature their shitty excuse for hip hop music, why not apply that to the direction of the rest of the film. After all, who doesn’t like random shots arbitrarily sped up then slowed down, as well as repeated four or five times to prove no point at all? But then, I guess that does mask the fact that the script was actually written on a cocktail napkin and could be filmed in about 17 minutes. But my favorite part of the movie, by far, is their instance on screaming “DEATH RACE!!!” every three minutes, especially since it’s the clearest line of dialogue being yelled at Spinal Tap volume levels interspersed throughout standard Asylum movie mumbling. And in no way “DEATH RACE!!!” is it grating “DEATH RACE!!!” when this blaring distraction “DEATH RACE!!!” interrupts the movie over “DEATH RACE!!!” and over again. It’s my “DEATH RACE!!!” extreme pleasure to “DEATH RACE!!!” give this film five closeted man-boy clowns “DEATH RACE!!!” out of five “DEATH RACE!!!”

What We Learned:

Donkey: When you’re a not-quite-one hit wonder, it’s not just your cultural relevance but also time itself that stops for you until someone remembers who the hell you are decades later. Either that, or ICP are time-traveling harbingers of doom and unspoken man love.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: a much needed week off before returning with one of the most infamous shitty movies of all time…TROLL II.

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It's an American flag and it's got ninjas. What else could you want?

Donkey: If you’ve read much of this site, you know that whether you think it’s funny or not, it can truly be said that it takes a certain sense of humor to fight through the inevitable streams of tears and suicidal thoughts to laugh along with us on this epic journey of intense shittiness. But it’s not just movies that give us a good chuckle. Ironically shitty things can make us laugh from all kinds of places, and gifts have become another tradition among us. It began two years ago when amongst real gifts, I gave Blombo the truly legendary video game Sneak King. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it’s a video game for the Xbox 360 that was made for and distributed by Burger King, which cost me $4 with the purchase of a Whopper combo. And trust me, it was worth every penny and the inevitable heart failure that it cost me. The game stars their psychotically creepy mascot, charged with the mission of sneaking up and delivering hot tasty Burger King food to unsuspecting, yet hungry victims. If you’re wondering how long you could possibly hand out Whoppers before you questioned if there is a god, take comfort in the fact that you don’t just jump right in to handing out Whoppers. Oh hell no. You’ve got to earn your way to the Big Show, starting by dispensing hash browns and breakfast sandwiches. It might go without saying by now, but if you haven’t run out and bought this game by the time you’ve read this sentence, your life is not complete.

The tradition continued last year, as one of my Christmas gifts to Milobar again involved the Xbox 360. But for him, I managed to find something just as idiotic, while spending even less. While picking up a game for him that was actually good, I came across something that I had no choice but to buy: a wood panel system faceplate that was discounted down to a massive $1. You can’t put a price on the awesomeness that is having a video game system with fake wood paneling on the front, but if you had to, the price of $1 kicks it up to infinite sweetness. Needless to say, Milobar announced it as his favorite gift of the year.

Two weeks ago, the tradition came up once again without warning in the middle of a work day. You see, Milobar and I actually work at the same large corporation, and on this day he was apparently walking by a bookstore on a coffee break when he looked down at their discount table and saw a book that called out to him. It was marked at $5, making it a tempting purchase, but when he found out that it was actually discounted down to a single dollar, he couldn’t resist. He came back to work while I was in a meeting and left the book at my desk, waiting for me upon my return. I’m sure you can imagine my surprise when I walked up, looked down at my keyboard, and found COACH: My World And Stay The Hell Out Of It: The Wit and Wisdom of Hayden Fox staring back at me. That’s right. Someone actually wrote a book about the sitcom Coach, starring Craig T Nelson. Not only did someone write a book about it, but it actually took three people to write this book, spouting the insanely terrible thoughts of a fictional character. While the gift itself is hilarious enough, actually reading it made it that much better. It only took me two diarrhea-filled trips to the toilet, which I suspect may have been caused by the reading material, to get through it. I could then say with absolute certainty that there hasn’t been a bigger waste of paper since the bible. But when I stopped and realized the truth of that statement, as in both cases I was reading the irrelevant words of a fictional character, whether it’s a coach on a football field or coach watching my every move from the clouds, I was led to a life changing revelation: this book is now my bible.

And it was only the power of my new holy text that got me through this week’s series of movies, my friends. But for the words of my new life coach, I may have been lost. Join me, as we live the pain again…

The Plot:

Donkey: This week we’re discussing all five American Ninja movies, simply because the alternative would be to spend five separate entries and therefore five consecutive weeks on the saga, which would result in a body of text that has killing power far more infinite than the famous video tape in The Ring. Quite frankly, that’s a fate that no one deserves. But it works out well that way, as all five movies share plots that are so goddamn similar that the production company should receive an official government grant for recycling. Simply put, every movie tells the story of our hero (either Joe, Sean, both of them, or some bizarre swapped version of them) as he battles an interchangeable villain who commands an army of ninjas, despite having nothing to do with ninjas, martial arts, or even being Asian himself. That villain is likely using biological research to either make money, conquer the world, or even just simply make more ninjas. It really doesn’t matter. Regardless, they’re an unspeakable evil that must be stopped, and only the power of questionable marital arts will do the trick.

Just as a disclaimer, the following discussion of all five movies is a lot like the series itself, which can described as nothing short of truly epic. So remember that even if it takes you an hour to read through it, that’s still nine hours of your life that we’re saving you from this bullshit. You’re welcome. Now let’s recount the horrors of our journey, while I lean on the wisdom of Sweet Hayden, praying that he’ll call the correct play to keep me safe from an offensive blitz…

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Oh, NOW I get it! An American flag and ninjas! Clever!

American Ninja

Donkey: Our truly epic saga begins with the original film, which has the noticeably distinct quality of a made-for-television movie. But that seems only appropriate as through the work of brilliant casting, it stars a made-for-television-infomercial actor, Michael Dudikoff, playing the title role of an American Ninja named Joe. He is a man of few words, but once he does open his mouth to reveal a remarkably high voice, we realize it’s probably for the best. Trained in the ancient arts of Ninjitsu by a reclusive Japanese soldier living in the jungle, he was given the single name of Joe because it was the only American name that that his sensei knew. But after years of being tutored in both deadly martial arts and the ultimate rimjob technique, an explosion separated the two and wiped out Joe’s memory, which makes sense since the only thing that might be more of an 80’s movie stereotype than ninjas is amnesia. After being found, brought back to civilization, and left to wander aimlessly through life, he was eventually criminally charged for nearly killing a man, quite likely after that man made fun of Joe’s feathered hair. As punishment, the judge decreed that he either be sent to jail, enlist in the army, or work as Jerry Seinfeld’s butler. Obviously being too pretty for prison and too dainty to clean a house, Joe chose the army. And as ridiculous as that premise for ending up in the army sounds, it’s even more ridiculous when his personnel file is later revealed to have his birth date, parents’ names, and next of kin all listed as “unknown”. I’m pretty sure that even under George Bush the Army wouldn’t let you in if they don’t at least know who the fuck you are. Otherwise a Russian spy could have just wandered up and asked to enlist, answering to his identity with, “Niet, comrade!”

Michael Dudikoff

We’re introduced to Joe in the opening scene of the movie as he stands by a military truck, away from his fellow soldiers who accidentally kicks their hacky sack near him. Being far too cool for school, he ignores their requests to pass it back and instead plays idly with a butterfly knife, which is exactly what I would call badass if I were six. They warn him that the Army is no place for loners, but that doesn’t occur to me as being a loner as much as it’s just being a dick.

Moments later the soldiers and Joe give up their stoner games and constipated posing, respectively, to form a convoy of trucks to escort expensive military gear and the Colonel’s modestly attractive daughter through the jungle. Of course they’re hijacked, first by rebel terrorists and then by ninjas. But when the villains try to prevent the Colonel’s daughter from escaping, Joe jumps into action, killing with a painfully unimpressive arsenal before escaping with the girl into the jungle.

I'm disappointed in you, but goddamn if that mustache doesn't make me smile.

Now that Joe has unleashed the full brunt of his full yawn-inducing force, news of his inadequacy ripples out in all directions. Back at Fort Smallcox, the Colonel is being briefed on the ambush when a black soldier named Jackson reveals that this was the work of ninjas. At the same time, the movie’s final boss character, an evil business man named Ortega, rebukes his Japanese head ninja, whom for lack of a better name we’ll simply call Hank, for allowing a truck to get away from their grasp, demanding that he kill the American Ninja that is responsible.

Once Joe finally delivers the daughter back to the military base, he’s treated like an AIDS dispensing leper by the Colonel and his fellow soldiers for playing hero and getting others killed, because apparently these soldiers aren’t actually expecting to ever have to fight anyone. I guess they just signed up to the corps for the gonorrhea. But more importantly, we learned a valuable lesson: never help a woman. If she’s in trouble, either join the rape line or stand back and give high fives to those who do, because only assholes try to help.

While Joe receives his morale flogging, Ortega shows off his completely autonomous plantation to the potential buyers of his hijacked military gear. After showing off the land, he moves to what every home should have: his ninja training facility. After watching over a hundred different colored ninjas work through exercises, Hank the Head Ninja or H2N if you will, disposes of six of his subordinates as a demo, killing the last one. Even if you have no sympathy for that faceless thug as a person, think of the ridiculous waste that is. They’ve already taken the time to train that guy, just to kill him for the sake of peacocking. The other point on interest described on the tour is his gardener, whom turns out to be Joe’s jungle sensei. Of course, no one knows that he’s a master ninja hiding amongst them, so it seems like an odd thing to point out. Here’s my ninja facility and, hey, there’s Pedro, my pool boy! Sweet, huh?

Hey, check out my sweet R2-D2 impression.

But now that we’ve met our hero, he needs the standard issue sidekick that comes with all 80′s action movies. But how do you give a friend to a loner? The answer comes when Joe’s hazing continues at the hands of0 Jackson, who calls him out in part for not being a team player, but mostly because his severe case of hat hair is making him cranky. It’s on! Once the fight starts, Joe disposes of Jackson with a couple really unimpressive throws before strangling him with a hose and then finishing the dueling stupidity off in grand fashion by putting a bucket on his head and motioning for Jackson to hit it with a stick. When the offer is obliged, Joe once again responds with a ridiculous throw. Easily beaten, Jackson then declares to everyone watching that hey, this Joe guy’s alright. The bond is now in place and continues to grow later while on trash duty, when Jackson insists that Joe had to be formally taught because he knows martial arts, so he therefore knows that Joe’s moves are “too perfect”. Fuck off. Were we watching the same fight? Joe finally reveals his story to Jackson, telling him of his amnesia. But just to make sure that no scene ends without a colon clenching groan, Joe sees the Colonel’s daughter in the distance and their eyes meet for a moment before Jackson makes fun of Joe for getting a boner.

I find your awkward and unjustified arrogance enticing, you average looking man.

As the Colonel’s daughter drives away from that mutual eye-fucking, she hatches herself a little scheme, demanding that Charlie, the driver and Joe’s platoon mate, turn the car around. As she begins to set it in motion, Jackson and Joe are cuddling like experimental high school girls when they are approached by Charlie, whom conspires with Jackson to send Joe for a surprise date. To get their in style, Joe borrows Jackson’s rad bike and jumps it over the base’s outer fence, landing in a way that ensured that the poor stuntman will never have children. Once Joe meets the Colonel’s daughter and realizes that he’s been set up, he reluctantly goes to dinner with her. But while they awkwardly avoid the reality that Joe wouldn’t know the first thing about being with a woman, Joe notices that his Sergeant and big boss Ortega are having dinner there as well. While I was hoping that it was a romantic evening for two, it turns out that the Sarge is actually crooked and Ortega demands that he kill Joe in retribution for his meddling.

The next morning the Sarge tries to do exactly that, assigning Joe to the motor pool where he is told to take a truck down to a dockside warehouse, which doesn’t seem like a suspicious assignment in the slightest. And of course, he goes there only to walk headlong into a trap filled with…bloodthirsty pirates! Nah, they’re still ninjas. He kills them one after the other without breaking his expression, let alone a sweat before heading back outside to discover that thieves are stealing his truck. After a disgustingly standard chase scene, Joe ends up under the moving truck and rides along as it’s taken to its destination, Ortega’s compound. Once inside, Joe learns that the cargo he was carrying, a really big gun, is set to trade hands with Ortega’s buyers tomorrow. He eventually escapes the compound and runs into the jungle while pursuing guards manage to somehow miss him with automatic weapons while firing from twenty feet away. But just as it seems like the villains might close the gap to the apparent two feet that they need to actually hit him, Joe finds his master, who shows Joe a secret escape path before he disappears. Seeing his prey escape once again, Ortega calls the Sarge, demanding that Joe must be killed immediately. So as soon as he gets back to base, Joe’s arrested. Enraged that his lifelong friend of ten minutes has been taken into custody, Jackson investigates to find out that Joe’s been charged with selling expensive military equipment. Not satisfied to leave things alone, Jackson tries and fails miserably to clear Joe’s name.

Deciding that night to take matters into his own hands, Hank the Head Ninja decides to dispose of Joe himself. Once he’s snuck up to the stockade, cut the power, and killed the guards, he then uses a flashbang to somehow open Joe’s cell door, but falls for the old pillow-under-the-sheets trick. Taking advantage of the distraction, Joe escapes outside and ends up fighting H2N in a car yard. But just as Hanky’s about to land the killing blow on Joe, more military guards show up in jeeps. Exposed, H2N flees while Joe sneaks back to Jackson for help.

Jackson agrees, of course, meeting Joe with a Jeep later, along with the Colonel’s daughter, where the two of them convince Joe to talk to her father. Joe relents, but the Colonel, of course, doesn’t believe them. He calls back to the base and moments later the military police show up with the Sarge. Not ready to go quietly, Joe dives out a window and gets to the jeep, taking off before anyone can catch him. They chase and shoot at him as he leads them to Ortega’s in another boring chase scene that has only one redeeming moment: after knocking the jeeps off the road one at a time until only the Sarge is following, Joe pushes him off the road like he did the others. But rather than just coming to a indignant rest in the ditch, the Sarge’s jeep goes down a five foot embankment, drives along flat land, and hits a tree gently, which for some reason causes it to fucking EXPLODE. Thank God I wasn’t drinking cream soda at the time that I saw this, or the combined assault on my hilarity and gag reflexes could have killed me.

Moments later when Ortega shows up at the Colonel’s home, he demands that the shipment be stopped, revealing that he’s every bit as corrupt as the Sarge. But while Ortega keeps the Colonel busy, denying his request, Hank breaks in and kidnaps the Colonel’s daughter.

Man, I'm glad I didn't end up taking that job in the Wal-Mart Garden Center after all.

Back at Ortega’s lair, Joe breaks in just to discover his old master. He takes Joe to his personal quarters where the master makes him remember everything, which of course happens through a series of flashbacks. The master then says that the time has come for Joe’s final lesson. First he shows Joe an arsenal, then talks about ninja magic, specifically the ability to seem invisible which causes fear and paralysis in your opponents. I smell badly executed and poorly executed special effects in our future!

Apparently taking the entire night to meditate and possibly run off a batch of baby batter, Joe wanders out of his master’s house in black ninja gear the next morning to start the final confrontation just in time to see a truck being backed up to the compound. The buyers arrive and the arrangements are made when suddenly Joe begins to fire arrows harmlessly in their direction from atop their cargo truck. Everyone opens fire on him immediately, but once again they manage to miss him with fully automatic assault rifles. After he flees from sight, they pull out the Colonel’s daughter and demand his surrender. Joe emerges in compliance, only to be surrounded by ninjas. Just then a smoke bomb goes off and suddenly he’s standing back to back with his master. With his sensei at his side, they’re sure to be unstoppable! Well, not so much. Of course, they kill every last ninja, but then his master disappears without warning. Just then Happy Hank the Ninja Master throws a knife at Joe, a smoke bomb goes off and the master appears in front of Joe just in time to be hit by the knife. So much for that reunion. Just then Jackson and soldiers show up as a ninja sounds the compound’s alarm. While ninjas and soldiers fight, Joe and H2N square off with one another in a battle featuring an outstanding moment where they’re both climbing ropes. Hungry Hungry Hank gets to the top of his first and shoots fire from his hands, burning Joe’s rope. So…ninjas can shoot fire? Fortunately Joe manages to grab the other side just before it snaps and saves himself from falling to his doom.

Hey, how tall are you? Come on, let's go back to back.

With all this commotion, the buyers try to leave and Ortega shoots them with absolutely no reprisal. I guess two criminals taking part in an illegal sale didn’t think to bring men of their own when going into a ninja training facility. The military then flood into the courtyard, so Ortega takes the Colonel’s daughter hostage himself and backs up towards the chopper. The Colonel tries to run up and stop him just for Ortega to shoot him dead. But before he can leave go, Ortega says to wait for the Hankster. Right about then, Mr. Hanky is shooting a fucking laser at Joe, which causes a pot to explode. And really, why not add a laser at this point? It fits, right? He and Joe finally face off for the last time in a fountain where H2N is eventually killed. Joe then runs up and grabs a bar at the front of the helicopter while it tries to leave. Ortega climbs out to try to shoot him, somehow failing to do so while Jackson pulls out the missile launcher they were trying to sell to the buyers. Joe finally reaches in and grabs the daughter, jumping down to the roof of Ortega’s compound just before Jackson shoots and blows up the helicopter. In his moment of glory, Joe then literally drops the Colonel’s daughter down three stories to Jackson’s waiting arms before he takes off his mask and looks dramatically into the distance for a minute before cutting to credits.

In the words of Hayden Fox, from the chapter on football: “Watching young cheerleaders grow is yet another satisfaction.” Amen, coach.

Hey, you know what we should put on the cover? A karate demonstration.

American Ninja II: The Confrontation

The second chapter in our five part series of pain sets the trend that will define the series, which is one of glaring contradiction. On the one hand, a very tired formula is established as the plots are so interchangeable that it’s hard to remember what movie you’re even watching, while at the same time continuity of some of the most basic concepts is very deliberately pissed on. That can be seen quite easily in this movie with Joe, our beloved American Ninja who in the last movie was known by the single name of “Joe” because he didn’t know his real name and that was the only American name that his sensei knew to give him. In this movie, he introduces himself as Joe Armstrong. So where did the Armstrong come from? Don’t bother to ask because the only answer that you’ll find is the laughing balls of Michael Dudikoff dangling in your face.

With that in mind, the film starts with three tragically dressed Marines on motorbikes racing along an island coastal highway like they’ve never heard of the concept of oncoming traffic before they eventually stop at a bar where two of the three are beaten by local thugs and dragged away by ninjas while the third man, named Taylor, watches. What a great start.

The first thing we're going to have to do is issue you two some clothes that make you look more like douche bags.

Now that the initial unpleasantness is out of the way, the awesome meter jumps several notches as our old friends Jackson and Joe arrive on a plane. From there they are driven to the local military base, which is basically a resort filled with surfers and chicks in bikinis. They’re taken inside and introduced to the commanding officer, a dude named Wild Bill who explains that they try to dress as little like Marines as possible because there are local factions out to get them. That’s funny, I didn’t think Marines would be scared of an island gang with a Napoleon complex, but once again that just goes to show that these movies think most military men are pussies. He goes on to explain that a kid working at the base had reported seeing guys in black pajamas, so like the Ghostbusters, these two have been called in to take care of yet another ninja infestation.

But now that they’ve arrived, it’s time to get down to some serious military business as our heroes are invited out for a little water skiing. They agree, of course, and take off with a small band of Marines in a speedboat driven by the nefarious Taylor. But after the group decides to head to an island where there are “a lot of babes”, and hopefully ones who don’t mind being hit on by men who have the vocabulary of a nine year old, they simply end up cruising along the water until everyone but Taylor is fast asleep. How far away was that fucking island? With no one looking, Taylor once again plays saboteur, pulling a fuse to kill the engine and beaching the boat on a small island. The others wake up and try to solve the problem for about two minutes before saying fuck it and deciding to go for a swim. They all head out except for Joe whom performs the very simple fix required on the boat before sitting and contemplating his next move. But the trap is sprung, so ninjas suddenly come running along the beach.

There's nothing quite as brave as taking on a man with a sword while wearing short shorts.

Without asking any questions, Joe runs straight into a group of boulders and starts to kick some ass, beating them off faster than a nickel hooker needing to feed a parking meter. Soon Jackson and the others come in from their swim and notice Joe’s not there, so Jackson immediately joins in the fight while the others stay in the boat, acting more like Girl Guides than Marines. The two greatest moments of this brawl come when Joe takes out a ninja perched twenty feet above him by throwing a stick at him, which barely hits the guy in the stomach and yet topples him like he’s been hit by a sniper rifle, and when another ninja fires an arrow at him, which he catches out of the midair. But despite their badassery, when reinforcements come, Joe and Jackson decide it’s time to split, running to the edge of a small cliff and jumping down into the waiting boat.

As our two heroes report back to Wild Bill, confirming that they’re got a ninja hive on their hands, Taylor gets on a phone and talks to someone whom declares that he wants Joe and Jackson dead. With those orders in mind, Taylor sneaks into Joe’s room and asks for help, giving him a place in town to meet him tomorrow.

Perfect. NOW you look like a douche.

The next day, Joe shows up at the bar as requested, in all his popped-collar-and-rolled-up-jean-jacket-sleaved glory. He beats on a the same group of thugs from the beginning of the film before going inside the surprisingly busy bar. I’m either grossly misinformed about the stigma of drinking at noon, or this island if filled with goddamn alcoholics. Joe meets Taylor in a room upstairs where Taylor confesses that he led them into that trap on the island but didn’t want to. He had no choice because the Lion has his wife; the Lion apparently being a millionaire who made his money on drugs and is doing biological research on Blackbeard Island. Joe then beats the shit out of the same thugs again who come wandering up to the room just before Taylor swears that he hears someone at the window, creeping over to it and stumbling back a few seconds later with a very loosely and shallowly impaled spear in his chest, possibly the dumbest fucking death by ninja method that I could imagine.

With nothing left to do, Joe returns to the base where the head of the local police listens as Joe recounts the story that Taylor had told him only to dismiss it as nonsense. And while I couldn’t blame anyone for not believing a thing Michael Dudikoff says, when Wild Bill suggests they investigate anyways, the cop declares that’s impossible, that he would need a special warrant to search Blackbeard Island. And the movie was so concerned with the cop delivering that speech in a way that isn’t completely obvious of his corruption that they completely missed an outstanding consistency flaw. The cop gets up and bids the men farewell, putting his hat on as he walks to the door. It then cuts to a shot of him putting his hat on again and opening the door to leave. I guess editing is either the most expensive part of a movie, or else this particular one was employing a goddamn chimp in that position. Once the cop is gone, Wild Bill exclaims that all this bullshit is really “getting on his tits” before telling Joe and Jackson that they’ll be coming with him to a reception at the Governor’s mansion tomorrow.

These 'villains' don't look near as scary as that monobrow snaggle tooth motherfucker over their shoulder.

They arrive at that party the next day where Jackson tries his untalented hand at picking up a local chick exceptionally badly while Joe notices the arrival of the film’s two villains, Leo “The Lion” Burke and his henchman, Tojo. But right after they arrive, some random chick runs up and attacks the Lion, screaming that he’s a criminal, imploring someone to arrest him because he has her father. As she gets taken away, Wild Bill quietly dispatches Joe and Jackson to follow in his car. They do just that, ending up back to the same goddamn bar for a third time. In a sickening bout of déjà vu, Joe and Jackson go in to find themselves squared off against the same fucking thugs that Joe has beaten handily on his own twice already. And rather than do it a third time, Joe goes to rescue the girl, leaving Jackson to fight the whole gang. Thanks Joe, you fucker. But it’s no problem, as they all pile on Jackson just for him to toss them off with the sound of bowling pins being knocked down. Bowling is so ninja! The fight then goes way too long, ending with the girl running out a side door just as Tojo walks in. Joe and Jackson take a moment to glare at Tojo before trying to chase the girl, only to run outside and find Wild Bill’s car being picked apart by thieves. Defeated, they roll off with what’s left of it and return to the Governor’s mansion to pick up Wild Bill. After they leave, Tojo arrives and tells the Lion that the girl escaped because of the American Ninja. Unsurprised, Leo says that he knows what to do and makes it clear that he wants Joe taken alive.

After taking an hour or two to rest and wonder why he couldn’t have been trained by a rogue accountant in the jungle all those years ago, Joe asks the local kid on the base, Toto, for help either finding the mystery girl from the party or doing a cover version of Africa. Toto chooses the former, taking him to a back alley and pointing at a door. But as Joe discovers that the girl named Alicia, the daughter of the doctor that the Lion is forcing to work for him, is there and willing to take his usually ineffective help, the impossible happens and ninjas attack. Another extremely uninteresting brawl ensues, but at least it meets the standard of stupidity set when Joe catches a blowdart shot at Alicia in midair like it’s a goddamn paper airplane. Once the quota has been filled for ninjas that get knocked out with startling ease, another gaggle led by Tojo arrives. But since we all know by know that the formula doesn’t permit Joe to have his showdown with the head ninja until the end of the movie, no one is surprised when Toto pulls up in a truck, allowing Joe and Alicia to escape.

Once they’re in a truck and driving away, it should be fair to assume that the insanity would stop, right? If you said yes, you really haven’t been paying attention so far. After Joe introduces himself and explains that they need to get to Blackbeard Island, Alicia tells him to turn around as they’re going the wrong way. But instead of turning around like a normal person, he pulls a massive u-turn into a pile of garbage before peeling off. Whoa…easy there, asshole. You don’t have to get there in ten minutes. Now that they’re heading in the right direction, they see a ninja standing in their path. Happy to simply run him over, they keep driving as he jumps over their truck and lands in the back, punching out the back window and grabbing Joe. He ends up being knocked over the back only to hook the box of the truck with a grappling hook, and being dragging behind the truck on the road for a long, long time. But with either magic or the love of Jesus, that ninja somehow makes it onto the roof, punching out the windshield somehow before Joe hits the breaks and sends him flying. As they try to run him over again, he ends up on the goddamn hood. Fuck, this guy is way more impressive than Joe. Finally they jump out, leaving the ninja on the hood as the truck flies into a building and explodes. Joe, Alicia, and Toto all gather, totally unhurt from jumping out of a speeding truck, where Joe tells Toto to go back to find Jackson and tell him that they’ve gone ahead to the island. Once the kid leaves, Alicia advises that they’ll have to wait until after dark to sneak past the patrols.

While they pass the time, Alicia explains that her mother died of cancer, causing her father to abandon his research into new penis lengthening techniques to dedicate himself to finding a cure for cancer. He was making progress and governments were investing in his research when everyone suddenly withdrew their funds. I’m going to guess that it was because they found out that he was spending their money on a Pog collection since they never explain why. It was then that The Lion turned up and offered money, so her father took it in desperation. But instead of finding the cure for cancer, he ended up being used by the Lion to create…SUPER NINJAS! Wow.

Behold, my army! If they fail at protecting my empire, I may still be able to use them to produce on Off Broadway show!

Meanwhile in the Blackbeard Island Lab, the Lion gives a speech to a group of military allies about his success and before introducing his plan for protecting that success: a room full of super ninjas. But since we all know there’s no point in having a room full of ninjas if you don’t use it, he motions for them to give a demo. A group of ninjas gets up and does a really unimpressive kata before Tojo gets up and kills every last one of them. That’s goddamn ridiculous and even worse than the same scene in the first movie. At least in the last one they just killed one dude, whereas here Tojo’s killing dozens of his own men. And for what? To prove that the super ninjas are no match for a regular man, thus nullifying the entire idea of SUPER NINJAS? Bravo, douche bags. Anyways, at that point the Lion declares that Alicia’s father, Professor Sanborne, will show his allies how the ninjas are made.

As The League of Doom wanders to the lab for that exciting lecture, Joe and Alicia finally arrive on the island. The sneak up to the perimeter fence where Joe cuts his way through with a set of wirecutters, which seems very unninja-like to me. Moments later, two guard ninjas find the hole in the fence hole and investigate, only to have Joe kick their ass and drag them into the bushes where I’m assuming he rapes them.

Wait, I didn't sign on to recreating the cast of Magnum PI!

Moments later, Joe and Alicia sneak there way into the lab in ninja outfits that they stole from Joe’s rape victims. They find their way to the Master Laboratory, which is clearly labeled with a brightly lit sign, and go inside just as the Lion and her father come in from another door. They follow them into a room filled with dudes in cryobeds, which I just can’t take seriously when one of the podmen has a mustache, where Professor Sanborne explains the process of making SUPER NINJAS with a little too much enthusiasm for a man who’s supposed to be an unwilling participant. Once he’s finished, they take him away while the Lion keeps yammering on about some bullshit. Joe and Alicia slip away to follow her father. Once Joe tickle fights his ninja transporters and frees him, The Professor tells them that there’s no time to lose, as the Lion is shipping five billion dollars worth of heroin to the US tomorrow. Wow, how completely off topic! The Professor then points Joe in the direction of the Marines captured at the beginning of the film. Seeing his chance for glory and more prison sex, Joe tells Alicia to take the Professor to the boat and leave if he’s not there in an hour. Once they leave, Joe decides it’s time to ladle out more bowls of piping hot crazy, so he sits down and meditates, having flashbacks of his origins from the first movie. The identical flashbacks recap his master’s speech on ninja magic that allows him to disappear, at the end of which a flashbang goes off in front of him for absolutely no reason before he finally rises and trots off. I think I just shit my pants.

The movie takes a quick break from Joe, focusing on Jackson and the rest of the Marines as they show up and start killing anything that moves. But since that gets boring pretty damn fast, we turn back to something slightly less boring as Joe manages to free the hostage Marines. After introducing himself and leading them out of the cell, Joe turns to a door and asks where it goes. They tell him that it leads to The Arena, which you would think would not be a good place to go if you’re trying to sneak around. Instead he strolls in like a rubberhead, leading them through the darkness as if inviting the inevitable doom. And that’s exactly what comes a moment later when the lights suddenly turn on to reveal the Lion there with Alicia. At this point I can’t help but wonder, how long was The Lion going to just stand there in the dark? But while I ponder that, SUPER NINJAS begin to fill the Arena, attacking Joe and the Marines who manage to hold their own for a while, despite how fucking retarded that is when you consider that these are ordinary Marines who should be no match for SUPER NINJAS. The Marines finally begin to fall, leaving Joe to finish the last of the ninjas himself. Seeing his army defeated by one man, the Lion flees, leaving Tojo behind to kill Joe. Also remembering that he had a cake in the oven, the Professor tells Alicia that there’s something he must do alone and leaves as well.

As Jackson and the rest of the Marines fight their way into the lab with little resistance, The Lion runs to the lab to find Professor Sanborne already there, wiring his manpods to explode. The Lion tries to stop him, but Professor Sanborne blows the charges, engulfing them both in flames.

Back in the Arena, Joe and Tojo finally begin their duel. After a very stereotypical and unremarkable few minutes, Joe nearly defeats Tojo when suddenly Tojo whips out a shotgun and starts shooting at him, miraculously missing him from ten feet away. After he fires at nothing for a few minutes and running out of ammo and thoroughly wasting our time, Joe finally pops back up and the sword battle resumes. In an attempt to end it with some shred of drama, they stand off, posing at one another for ten goddamn minutes before they charge and take a single swipe. Clearly on the losing end of that even though we can’t really tell how or why, Tojo stumbles around to try to engage Joe one last time only to be cut down for good. With victory finally at hand, Joe takes off his mask and looks up at Alicia for an uncomfortably long time before the Marines finally make their way into the Arena. And since everything’s over and they can stop acting like pussies, the captives Marines that had fallen and left Joe to fight alone then get up off the floor and go join their comrades. The scene finally ends with Jackson giving Joe a thumbs up.

Despite the fact that the credits should already be rolling, allowing us to move on to something more interesting like inspecting our balls for tumors, the movie then takes us to a party scene where Jackson says good bye to the random chick that he was trying to bang way back at the beginning of the movie. At the same time, Toto reminds Joe that he still owes him five bucks for finding Alicia for him, prompting Joe to give Toto the gift of a Swiss Army knife. As he smiles at the fucking random gift, Joe, Jackson, and a bunch of kids begin walking towards a plane, heading God knows where.

And to quote the Sweet Hayden, from the chapter on love: “Luther loves animals too.” Bravo, coach. Your wisdom knows no bounds.

The third movie, starring...wait, who?

American Ninja III: Blood Hunt

Apparently we’re not the only ones who barely made it through the second chapter of the series alive, as the third installment is noticeably missing the sweet Michael Dudikoff, replacing him with a dude named David Bradley that I’ve never heard of before or since. Will Dudikoff’s absence kill the franchise, or prove to be its ticket to legitimacy? I’ll go ahead and blow the suspense by saying neither. It’s the same bucket of baboon shit, just with different flies circling it.

Our story begins with the origin of our new hero. Sometime in the part, two children who remind me far too much of the clothes that my parents made me wear in the 80′s, attend a kickboxing tournament, cheering from the stands. But unbeknownst to them, a car full of criminals heads to the stadium, looking for trouble. One of the kids, named Sean, heads back into the dressing rooms to see his father before he takes part in the main event, just as the criminals rush in and hold up the stadium’s back office, looking for a piece of the famously massive karate money. As they run from the office with their $35 prize, they run into Sean and briefly consider taking him hostage. As he leaps in to try to save his son, the criminals end up shooting Sean’s dad. They flee the scene immediately, leaving Sean to sit and watch his father’s body go cold, with that image burning into his mind, causing him to go on to become…Daredevil! Well, not quite. He’s actually he’s taken away by his father’s sensei, Izumo, to spend the rest of his childhood years learning the mystic martial arts in a montage that seems to take as many goddamn years to get through. Once it comes to an end, he’s truly become an American Ninja. With his task complete, Izumo sends Sean out into the world to fulfill his destiny. It sounds grand, but I’m willing to bet his destiny is to be a pastry chef running a failing bakery in southern Illinois.

Oh God...it's 1987 again...I'm back in the Sears Portrait Studio getting my picture taken with my brothers...NO!

How does a guy who looks like Patrick Duffy get a nickname like the Cobra? From a sizeable GI Joe collection.

With our protagonist now established, the movie turns its attention to its principal antagonists. We once again meet the two criminal masterminds who held up that karate tournament, Dr Saxon or “The Cobra” as his slow pitch team would call him, and General Andreas. From some lab somewhere on an island, because God knows we haven’t seen enough of those in these movies so far, The Cobra gives a lecture to terrorist leaders about scientifically focused terrorism. It sounds pretty fancy, but he gives no details whatsoever, so it’s pretty much a complete waste of time.

At the airport of that same island, the ninja hero Sean arrives and is met by our old friend, Jackson, whom apparently knows Sean even though they never say how. After the two of them meet and are joined by some obnoxious blonde guy named Dex, we discover that all kinds of martial artists are gathering on the island for a World Championship of Karate. Damn, I was hoping for Hyper Deathmatch Elimination Monopoly, myself.

While the three men leave the airport playing a fine game of grabass, a woman named Chan Lee watches them from afar before reporting back to Dr Saxon and General Andreas, pointing out Sean specifically as a possible test subject while handing them the issue of a karate magazine that he appears on the cover of. Nice.

Sean's traditional training is very apparent in the track pants that he wears with his gi.

Not fucking around with anything like character development, the movie jumps straight to the tournament, which is officially opened by General Andreas before proceeding into, what else, a shitty demonstration. Once it finally ends, Sean takes to the ring, facing off against a British champ. The match is short and as dull as the commentary that we’re forced to listen to as it plods along, eventually ending with a victory for Sean.

Apparently the tournament was one goddamn fight, as we’re then taken straight out into the street where Sean is walking with Jackson and Dex again. The find some women who look like they may have extremely low standards, so Dex tries to get them all laid, introducing Jackson as Powerhouse Jackson, quite possibly one of the greatest names I’ve ever heard. As they sit and talk to ladies at an outdoor cafe, Sean sees men in suits throw another into a car and take off in the background. Seeing as he’s just a karate champion and in no way affiliated with any police organization, Sean decides to pursue in a taxi for some goddamn reason, ending up in a hotel where he finds his sensei quietly sitting in one of the rooms. But before he can figure out what the hell’s going on, ninjas attack, keeping him busy while Izumo gets dragged away. He fights an endless stream of disposable ninjas, working his way through a factory, over a rooftop, and then out to random docks where two ninjas knock him into the water. After some ridiculous underwater fighting which somehow ends with Sean killing the two ninjas with mere punches, he makes his way back to Jackson and Dex. Recounting his tale and revealing to them that he’s a ninja, Jackson responds to the news of a ninja attack with, “not again”. Fuck, tell me about it, Jackson. After Sean declares that finding Master Izumo is more important to him than the tournament, Jackson and Dex agree to help him, forming an alliance more useless than cotton candy teaming up with delicious fudge to battle tooth decay.

As Chan Lee reports back to Dr Saxon with the news that Sean fell for the Master Izumo disguise, she explains that he was too good and got away. Dr Saxon tells her that he has every confidence in her and to keep trying. That’s surprisingly understanding for an evil fiend. Are you sure he’s not actually just a high school guidance counselor?

Damn! I thought cruising the slums was a surefire way to AVOID trouble!

We join the Three Shitheads of Fortune again as they wander through a slum for no reason whatsoever where they’re ambushed by ninjas. Just before they spread out and begin their fighting, Jackson complains that he thought he’d stop having to fight ninjas after leaving Joe back in the army. Hey, nice shout out! And speaking of shout outs, as our heroes move to engage their enemies, they pass by graffiti on the wall that says, “Kilroy was here”. What? A fucking Styx reference? Are you kidding me? Granted it would be awesome if Powerhouse Jackson kicked everyone’s ass while singing Mr. Roboto, but otherwise that’s just insane. After another battle with the signature lack of finesse that we’ve come to expect from this series takes place, Dex spots a couple of ninjas fleeing the scene and running to a gated building marked East Bay Laboratories. Sean wearily moans that this is all too convenient. Actually, considering the story so far, I’d say it’s less convenient and more bullshit, myself.

To get help in the face of what he thinks is a larger conspiracy, Sean visits the Minister’s Secretary. The Minister of what, you ask? How about the Minister of Pants? Good enough. When Sean asks about Master Izumo, she assures him that no Japanese man has entered the country. So just to recap that statement, a World Karate tournament is being held on that island and not one Japanese guy showed up. Unconvinced, Sean says he has reason to believe that Izumo’s being held at East Bay Laboratories, but again she assures him that Dr Saxon is there doing the important work of manufacturing drugs before brushing him off, saying that she’s too busy too busy to deal with this. Sean finally leaves, but as he goes, it’s clear that while her mouth is telling him to leave, her eyes are begging him to tame her wild hair with his pug fugly charms.

Seriously dude, close your legs. We can see your skidmarks, for God's sake.

As the three genital crab farms once again reunite on a beach, Sean informs them of his failure while we have to spend the entire shot staring at Jackson’s taint. Just to waste everyone’s time, Jackson decides to visit the local cops and plead a similar case about East Bay Labs, only to be similarly dismissed.

Speaking of East Bay Labs, we return there once again as Dr Saxon gives the second part in his fourteen part lecture on germ warfare while standing in front of five men on platforms who are wearing banana hammocks. He finishes his speech by asking for three more days, promising that he’ll eventually give a demonstration on the greatest advancement in scientific history. Trust me, folks, when I tell you that he will. Seriously.

We return to our heroes again as they finally decide on a method of breaking in to the mysterious labs. They travel to a dump in the middle of nowhere, not bothering to explain how they know it’s there, where they break into a welded pile of various scrap metal that would be generous to describe as a shed and steal two powergliders. Moments later we see Sean and Dex flying in these things, as apparently that’s common knowledge that I’m just not aware of, while Jackson follows along beneath them in a truck. To add completely unnecessary drama, the fuel line on Dex’s powerglider bursts, forcing him to land. But since the road is too rough, he has no choice but to land on the back of the Jackson’s truck while he drives. Sean talks him through it, offering obvious and in no way helpful tips while Dex drops onto Jackson’s truck.

Flying on his own now, Sean breaks into the lab. He sneaks around until he finds everyone gathered for, what else, a fucking karate demonstration being put on by a room full of ninjas, highlighted by Chan Lee taking on a series of them. While that’s going on, Sean breaks in fights a series of ninja guards, only to be tased into unconsciousness. He awakens sometime later in the company of Dr Saxon who reveals that the tournament was a scam to draw him there, which seems absolutely unnecessarily elaborate for such a simple goal. Finally Sean’s taken away and put in the lab’s jail cell, a prerequisite of all labs.

As Sean sits in his cell while Jackson and Dex wait outside, he goes to his door to come face to face with Chan Lee. She tells Sean that his life is in terrible danger, which isn’t obvious from the fact that he’s sitting in a fucking cell, asking who else knows about Izumo. Sean tells her before asking what’s going on. She says that she doesn’t know, but that she’s going to find out. So she’s helped Dr Saxon build and train an army of ninjas only to now turn against him…why?

Moments later, Dr Saxon meets with the woman with whom Sean spoke earlier, the Secretary to the Minister. She attempts to bribes The Cobra, telling him that she knows something is going on here, so he offers her a well paid job to shut her up. She accepts the offer, thus giving me visions of extremely awkward office Christmas parties to come. But to avoid that, Dr Saxon makes arrangements for her to be killed, which are put into motion quite literally as she steps out of the building and drives away, only to be followed by a car with a man in plain clothes and a ninja in the front seats. A notably terrible and slow speed chase scene occurs, culminating with her knocking their car into a pile of barrels and crates that explodes as their car bursts out of them. The man and ninja jump out of the car just before it explodes, while the Secretary pulls off a fake face to reveal Chan Lee underneath.

Back at the labs, Sean is once again brought back to the lab where the five dudes are still standing motionless platforms on platforms while wearing tiny, tiny bikini briefs. But brief is also what his visit is, as Dr Saxon injects Sean with something and tells his men to get rid of him.

Outside, Dex and Jackson continue to stand around like jackasses when they’re approached by Chan Lee, who tells them that the time to act is now. She explains that The Cobra is holding Sean and is ready to kill him. She further explains that Sean will be injected with a virus to prove how deadly it is to General Andreas. So they trapped him with an elaborate plan just to kill him with a virus? That makes no goddamn sense, but whatever. Having heard enough, Jackson agrees to follow Chan Lee down to the docks just as Sean is being dropped off there. The three of them fight their way onto a ship to save him, making their way down into its depths where they find Sean and General Andreas waiting with a gun. Regaining consciousness, Sean kicks the gun out of his hands and kills him while having flashbacks of Andreas killing his father as a child. Now that he’s safe, they tell explain to Sean that has been injected with a virus and must get to the antidote. But he insists that he must find Izumo before that, prompting Chan Li to finally reveal to him that she was Izumo the whole time.

They sneak back to the labs together where she once again uses her ancient ninja ability called Insujitsu or some shit like that to enter the lab as the secretary. And just to be clear, this ancient ninja art of disguise involves fake rubber masks. That’s so ancient and powerful! While she makes her way in, Sean tells Dex that either he or Jackson has to kill him if he doesn’t get the vaccine in time. I’m going to guess that the virus that he’s been infected with will either turn him into a werewolf or Michael Dudikoff, either of which is a fate worse than death. Agreeing with me, Dex eventually nods in acknowledgement. They rejoin Jackson and proceed to break in, killing all kinds of ninjas and guards while Chan Lee continues to fight her way through the building.

Chan Lee was about to leave when she was suddenly struck by an mysterious urge for cocktail wienies.

After being informed of Chan Lee’s treachery and General Andreas’ death, Dr Saxon puts his ninjas on alert before heading to the room where, for fuck’s sake, there are still those same five dudes standing around in their underwear, only to discover Chan Lee trying to find the antidote or vaccine or whatever the hell it is, still disguised as the secretary. Saxon calls her out, so she finally pulls off the mask and confronts him, just in time for his assistant to shoot her.

Elsewhere in the lab, the Three Amigos continue to fight ninjas on their way inside. Jackson fights a group of ninjas with sword, clearly sharing our impatience for this whole ordeal to end as he shouts at the last ninja in his way to, “die already!” But while he battles boredom, the other two are shot at by two ninjas with bows and arrows. Sean catches the first two arrows out of mid air, throwing them back and killing the ninjas. But before his killing blow hits home, another arrow hits Dex in the chest, killing him instantly and giving him an exit from the movie every bit as meaningless as his role was in the first place. Meanwhile Jackson runs into Dr Saxon’s assistant as he tries to escape with the antidote. Naturally, Jackson takes it and kills him, heading off to meet Sean in the Five Penis Lab just as cops begin to show up and fight ninjas in the parking lot, adding that final ingredient of random stupidity to this ass flavored stew.

Speaking of the Five Penis Lab, Sean finally makes it there to find Chan Lee’s body. As he mourns for the person he knew for 12 seconds, Saxon walks in to gloat in victory. But Sean ignores him and rational logic, entering a state of power meditation while he hears his master’s voice and a light shines down on him. He gets up once he’s finished, apparently healed, and confronts Saxon again. But this time, Saxon is ready for him, showing off what has got to be the single greatest invention in scientific history. He hits a regular switch on a table which turns off the room’s lights. They turns back on a moment later, revealing that the five men in their underwear have been replaced by five ninjas in red outfits. That’s AWESOME! I need a ninja switch in my house. Of course, it’s all for naught as Sean disposes of them rather easily. He then turns to fight The Cobra as unexplained smoke starts to spill all over the floor. But seeing as how Dr Saxon got the nickname The Cobra even though he looks like the type of guy that couldn’t beat a teddy bear in a boxing match, he’s knocked out pretty damned fast. Just then Jackson runs in with the antidote, which Sean says he doesn’t need anymore. You know, I realize that you think your meditation was pretty badass, but you might want to take that just in case, shithead. After The Cobra gets up for the obligatory last rush only to be kicked back down, Sean and Jackson declare that it’s time to go home, walking out of the room arm in arm while Jackson tells Sean that if they’re going to continue to be friends, they need to fight other things because he’s fought ninjas way too long. Once again, asshole, you have no idea how right you are.

As the prophet Hayden Fox would say, in the chapter on sex: “Are you as sweaty as I am?” Your wisdom knows no bounds, coach.

You know what would be awesome? Both American Ninjas in one movie! No, wait...that wouldn't.

American Ninja IV: The Annihilation

As we wonder how the hell anyone could justify making a fourth film in this series of cinematic shit stains, the answer comes in the casting, as this promises to be the greatest of them all by starring both the outstanding Michael Dudikoff and David Bradley. That’s right: both ninjas, together at last, giving us a reunion that nobody asked for! And once again the series revels in its inconsistency. In this movie Sean and Joe are somehow old friends, despite giving no background as to why that would be the case since it wasn’t even remotely hinted at in the last movie. And instead of being a random karate champion, Sean is now a CIA agent, like Joe, even though Joe wasn’t a fucking CIA agent the last time we saw him either. Goddamn, I’m surprised that they’re both not astronauts fighting ninjas in space.

This tale begins with a group of soldiers running through the woods while being stalked by ninjas. They end up fighting out in the open plain where the military men are killed one by one, which seems pretty ridiculous since ninjas shouldn’t be much of a threat in the open when pitted against automatic guns, before the four remaining men are captured while trying to get away in a boat.

From there we cut to a wedding where Sean is the best man as his friend Carl is about to get married. That’s right, Sean’s old buddy Carl! You know Carl, right? No, because he wasn’t in the last movie? Well shut up and go with it. But wouldn’t you know it, the whole thing has to come to a crashing halt when Sean and Carl’s beepers go off, calling them away to an emergency. They get back to a CIA office and are briefed on the situation. Colonel Mulgrew, a madman who hates Americans and has been helping a Sheik train his fighters develop a nuclear device small enough to carry in a suitcase. The CIA had sent in Delta Force commandos to wipe them out, but as we saw in the previous scene, they didn’t exactly succeed. The CIA then received tapes showing the dead and the only four remaining soldiers, explaining that they will be killed unless the US pays fifty million and releases the Sheik’s comrades from various jails. As they watch the tape, Sean recognizes that the ninjas known as the Japanese Red Faction Army are the ones holding the prisoners. Sure, I suppose that’s supposed to be impressive. Their boss explains that in a matter of days the media will get a hold of these developments which will force the president to pay or send in bombers and kill everything in that country. But before that happens, the two of them must try to save the hostages. They’ll be parachuted in before dawn and left to accomplish the mission on their own. Upon hearing this, Sean asks that Carl be excused and asks the boss to call Joe Armstrong instead of sending Carl. But Joe apparently already turned them down, choosing to remain in the Peace Corps and stay out of it. Damn! Does this mean that Michael Dudikoff isn’t in the movie, despite his face being plastered on its cover? Or does it mean that Sean is destined to fail and be captured himself, forcing Joe to change his mind? I don’t know about you, but I’m praying for the first option.

You know me. I'm Sean's old buddy...Carl. Remember? No? Doesn't matter.

We cut to the next morning where Sean and Carl parachute down to a glen of sparse trees only to find their contact is a young teenager. To make things complicated for no reason, they jump in his car and discover that it’s broken down. So they end up on a rickety bus where Carl and the kid argue about movies while Sean and the rest of us get a headache. Once they arrive in a small town, they go to a bar where Sean kicks everyone’s ass just to prove his identity. Impressed by people needlessly being hurt, the bartender takes them into the back where he briefs them on the situation, showing them the location of the fort, its bomb making facilities, and where the four American hostages should be held. But just as he finishes, Colonel Mulgrew and his men show up. Before they burst in, the bartender tells Sean and Carl to get to Sulpher Springs. Moments later the Colonel breaks in and kills the bartender just before Sean and Carl burst out of a closet and dive out the window.

You've got a pulse? Good enough.

With the kid somehow in tow, Sean and Carl run straight to a church where they’re lead into a mortuary to hide by a girl named Sarah. They hide themselves as corpses on slabs until eventually the pursuing soldiers leave. Once they have a moment to plot their next move, Sean and Carl are introduced to Sarah who immediately gets her panties wet when looking at Sean, thus proving that she hasn’t been laid in a long, long time. Despite Sean’s objections, she says that she must join them as Colonel Mulgrew will be after her now. Sean says that he’ll take her as far as Sulpher Springs, but that’s it. Back in some room, the Colonel interrogates people from the bar about the two Americans, killing them when they say they don’t know anything.

After a quick scene where Mulgrew interrogates and kills people from the bar while trying to ascertain the identities of Sean and Carl, we turn back to our heroes as an arrow hits a tree right by Sarah’s head, conveniently announcing trouble in a non-lethal way. Sean tells them to hide before meditating for a while, then examining his arsenal of ninja stars, a bow, and arrows while doing the splits. Right about now I really miss Van Damme. But now that they’ve not only announced their presence but also waited politely for Sean to prepare for a fight, ninjas flood into the forest. Sean kills several of them quietly before finally fighting a group of them while his three friends watch from a hiding spot, lending nothing more than moral support. But even they are eventually discovered. In an attempt to be of use, Carl fires his gun at the approaching ninjas, just to watch them dodge his bullet, Remo Williams style. As ninjas begin to surround the three of them, Sean joins them just in time to have a net thrown over them all.

We need a head ninja for this movie. His name? Fuck it, he doesn't need one.

Now that they’ve been rather quickly and easily captured, the movie switches over to the evil compound, panning up to a hillside shot where we see, fuck…what else but fucking ninjas giving a goddamn karate demonstration to the Colonel and the Sheik. The head ninja, a dude with a ridiculous tea bag strainer eye patch that they don’t even bother to introduce, leads his men through a bullshit obstacle course that kills several of them. Because as always, wasting your own men is just part of the retarded villain recipe. With the demonstration over, the newly acquired prisoners are led in. Sean is put into a circle of ninjas who take their turn beating him before he finally fights back, slapping them all around with ease before finally getting hit with a blowdart which knocks him out. They’re taken down to the basement where the other Americans are being held, where they’re eventually given a good whipping that Sean barely even notices. Goddamn it, if this movie is going to try to make him so badass, why didn’t he come alone?

With all hope seemingly lost, we return to our old best friend in the world, Joe, as he teaches a small class of young children. But before his lesson can begin, which will undoubtedly somehow make these kids stupider, he spots the CIA boss that had sent Sean and Carl to battle. He sends the kids outside before receiving the news that two more agents, including his friend Sean, have been captured. They need him now more than ever. With that simple premise put out, we shift to a goddamn Folgers commercial as Joe drinks some campfire coffee while pondering his dilemma. Of course he eventually he agrees or at least we assume that’s the case when we next see him getting off a plane. You never know. He might have just said fuck it and taken a vacation.

Come on, sing along with me: The best part of waking up...

He’s met by the same young kid who was Sean’s contact, whom he tells to take him directly to Sulpher Springs. As they drive, the kid explains the situation to him, describing how Sulpher Springs used to be a penal colony, but since the new president was elected, the prisoners have taken over and become a haven for people who hate the Colonel. I disagree and think it’s just a group of shitty actors trying to recreate Mad Max Beyond The Thunderdome, but we’ll go with that. But that’s quite enough exposition without anyone getting a punch in the jaw, so as the kid talks and they continue to drive out in the middle of nowhere, a ninja suddenly lands on the hood of the car. After Joe punches through the windshield to send the ninja flying, the kid eventually stops so that Joe can get out and finish the remaining attackers.

They reach Sulpher Springs moments later where Joe is once again forced to endure this movie’s standard of identification, fighting three at once to prove his worth. And after doing so rather easily, a black guy whom I guess is their leader calls down from a dilapidated shack to have his men stop, declaring that men like Joe are needed. Joe makes his way up to introduce himself before later sitting down with the camp’s leaders to explain that he needs to be taken to Colonel Mulgrew’s compound where they must create as many distractions as possible so that he can rescue the hostages. In response they explain that getting to the compound is supposed to be impossible, which makes no fucking sense at all, but continue to say that the British were rumored to have dug tunnels there years ago, one of which may still be open. But to verify that, they need to go steal the engineering plans from a local office. Are you kidding me? Plans like that are just sitting in some assholes filing cabinet down at the local planning office?

Just to make things as convenient as sickeningly possible, the next night a fancy party is being held at the government office where those plans are kept. As we arrive on the scene, The President of whatever country this is supposed to be is talking to the American ambassador as the Colonel and the Sheik pull up. When the two men join them, the American ambassador calls them scum. In response, the Colonel and the Sheik take him off alone to deliver the news that they have captured the other operatives and that the execution date is being pushed forward to tomorrow. And as they deliver this news, Joe is dropped off in the courtyard dressed as a priest, and a priest with Jeans beneath his robe, at that. Joe then breaks into the exact building required, goes to the exact room, and finds the exact the plans needed before running back outside to be picked up. But as miraculous as that accomplishment is, it’s matched only moments later when the Colonel discovers that Joe’s broken into the office and immediately ascertains that he was after the plans for the fort without so much as looking to see if they’re gone.

Seriously, what are you doing? I don't even plan on watching this shit.

Back at Sulpher Springs, Joe and the leaders of the not-post-apocalyptic-future army sit and examine the plans, determining a single point of entry that the Colonel’s men didn’t block as they figured no one would be crazy enough to enter. With that declaration, for some reason the camera pans in on Joe as he looks straight at it, almost as if to question why the fuck anyone would still be watching at this point. And just to punch anyone in the balls who dared to avoid his warning, the next thing Joe does is fashion himself a sword. And not a dull, flimsy piece of shit you’d give your kids to play with, but an actual katana, apparently made from shit he found in their dump of a town. So it’s just that easy, huh?

The next morning Joe walks calmly out of Sulpher Springs before its inhabitants rally to go fight in his name. As the road warriors drive away in shitty vehicles with more than half of them running along behind, ensuring that most of them will be exhausted by the time they get there and completely useless in a fight, Colonel receives the news that Sulpher Springs, “are rioting everywhere”, which means little since we haven’t actually seen them doing anything besides walk out of town together. Meanwhile Joe prepares for his ascent to the fort and the fateful battle waiting there by dropping his shit out of sight down into a ditch and jumping in it before the film cuts and he jumps back out in his ninja suit. Awesome. And I thought Superman changing in a phone booth was stupid.

Preparing for the worst, the Colonel and his Sheik go down to the “lab” to collect their famous suitcase nuke. Their description of it as a “lab” might be a little too generous in this case, as it’s a single empty room with the suitcase sitting on a stand. And…that’s it. Regardless, the terrorists begin to take the hostages away for their execution, which for some reason involves changing them all into matching outfits. Apparently this is a prerequisite for execution at the hands of ninjas, so I guess the only stay of execution that you could hope for is if they forgot to get the dry cleaning done. Outside, the convoy of Sulpher Springs slowly rolls up the road to the fort, slowly making their way towards waiting ninjas and thus proving the statement that there’s no way to get into the fort is goddamn retarded. There’s a goddamn road. It might not be easy, but it counts. After several warnings to turn back, the people finally rush forward and their battle begins.

The third edge in our trident of awesome, Joe, continues his climb and finally makes it to the fort, sneaking in through a pipe that he simply rips the steel bars off of. But no sooner is he inside than the Colonel and the Sheik hear him walking through the tunnels. In a panic, they send the nuclear device to a helicopter, order that the executions move ahead to right fucking now, and send a group of ninjas down to face Joe. They soon discover that’s pretty much a death sentence, of course, and one that contains a single moment of unbridled awesomeness: as two ninjas grab either of his arms and hold him while a third shoots at him head on with a crossbow, Joe catches the quarrel in his mouth and whips his head around to stab it into one of the other ninjas before killing the other two. I think that just impregnated me with Michael Dudikoff’s baby.

Ultimate showdown between two champions, or forbidden love between two soul mates? You decide.

Joe finally arrives in the basement where the hostages had been kept, finding only Sean still remaining there, or at least what he thinks is Sean. But of course when Joe unties him, Sean attacks him. They fight until Joe reluctantly puts a knife into Sean stomach, only for Joe to pull away a mask and reveal that it wasn’t Joe but some random dude. I’m sure that was supposed to be a truly great moment, making us think that the two superstars of karate were facing off, but since that ruse would be obvious to a Helen Keller, that was just stupid. Joe then makes his way upstairs, for some reason changing into a yellow ninja suit along the way. He arrives just as the terrorists begin the execution, starting with the first random commando who ends up fully engulfed in flames before Joe walks up and throws a couple of smoke bombs near Sean and the others, freeing them all. Sorry, fellah. I guess you should have found a way to live for five more minutes.

Once they’re free and the final battle begins. The Colonel and the Sheik order the dude with the tea strainer over his eye to kill the infidels, which translates to ninjas slowly walking towards the hostages as Joe and Sean have them all slowly walk back into a cell and close the door behind them. But just as we think that means that Joe has done all this just to give up without a fight, the people of Sulpher Springs suddenly arrive, fighting in full force. Joe and the others then come back out to join in the fighting, while the Sheik runs to the helicopter with the nuke in it to get the hell out of Dodge. But as it begins to fly away, Carl shoots it from the courtyard with a grenade launcher and blows it up, resulting in a truly outstanding shot where they clearly blew up a model that’s hanging from a string. Thinking that he’s going to taste some passable ass before he dies, the Colonel then grabs Sarah and drags her away somewhere quiet while she calls for Sean, who pursues them into a dark room. Meanwhile Joe faces off with the tea strainer eye patch wearing ninja just before Sean finds Sarah on the floor, unconscious. He runs up to her as a shot hits a crate just above his head. So this means that Colonel Mulgrew set a trap, Sean fell for it perfectly, and he still managed to miss. Well done. He deserves to die, which is exactly what happens when he and Sean begin a private battle while Sulpher Springs residents circle around Joe and cheering him on in his simultaneous fight. Sean beats the Colonel to death just as Joe kicks the head ninja down onto a pile of crates and throws a grenade down on him, blowing the whole thing back to hell. Now that’s two times the action! And since that action’s tedious bullshit, that means it’s two times zero equaling infinite sadness. Then movie then makes what appears to be a botched cut back outside in a way that seems like we just missed a couple of minutes of the movie, as Joe gives the yellow ninja suit has was wearing to the kid. Was that suit supposed to have meant something to Joe? Was it his? I thought he just took it from a dude that he killed. Sean walks outside with Sarah just as Joe is making his way towards the front gates and leaving for home. With all the drama that he can muster, Joe looks back and tells Sean that he can find him at the school. He walks away and the credits roll. Really? That’s it?

To quote Hayden Fox from the chapter on friends and family: “This is a picture of Zwieback toast.” It sure is, coach. It sure is.

A kid, a warping ninja, and five minutes of Pat Morita. Seriously, we're not even trying anymore.

American Ninja V

By now we didn’t think we could possibly take any more. Ninjas in suits that matched all the colors of the rainbow haunted our dreams. The producers of the final picture in this epic opus must have felt the same way, because for the last film they completely fuck with our heads for no discernable reason. David Bradley, whom we know and love as Sean in the previous films, makes his return playing a character named…Joe? Your assumption might be the same as ours, that they have cast him to play Michael Dudikoff’s role, hoping that we wouldn’t notice. But as you’ll soon discover, as we did, he doesn’t have anywhere near the same backstory. So is this a new character? Did he just change his name? Why call this the fifth fucking movie if it ignores the first four? Is that burning toast I smell?

This thrilling adventure begins with Joe, or as I insist of calling him, SeanJoe, and a random dude training. And man, are they doing a lot of training. With apples, too. That’s so ninja! It then cuts to SeanJoe returning home to his boat at the docks where he finds some random chick named Lisa working on his boat. They discover that she has varnished his boat by accident, which means that he can’t stay there for two days while it dries. To make it up to him, Lisa invites him back to dinner while he awkwardly bumbles his way off the boat like a thirty five year old virgin.

If Van Damme has too much self-respect to appear in your film, you know who to call.

And as we all know by know, once you get a peek at the hero, you must introduce the villain. After his bald mustachioed henchman, whom we’ll call Evil Ghandi, arrives at Glock Chemicals and demands that the resident doctor tests his new pesticide on a puppy, the doctor storms out and finds the film’s evil mastermind, Mr. Glock, who is meeting with a clearly evil General. They argue over the use of his research, as the doctor insists it is only meant to use it for insects. Glock insists he means nothing more than that before ordering Evil Ghandi to take the doctor back to the lab. Once he’s gone, the General then tells Glock that he has two days to produce the gas or his army will use his hotel as target practice. Once the General leaves and Glock is finally alone, he screams for the Viper. Suddenly there’s a flash and an Asian dude appears, warping out of nowhere to a sound effect that would be deemed too shitty for public access television. Glock sends the Viper to America to find the doctor’s daughter to help convince him to finish his work.

The four minutes that I'm in this film are really going to cost you.

Back in America, SeanJoe and the same dude from the opening credits are sparring in a gym when Pat Morita, or Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid as he will be forever known, comes in to remind SeanJoe that he’s supposed to be housesitting for him this weekend. But unbeknownst to SeanJoe, he’s also supposed to be babysitting Mr. Miyagi’s grandnephew Hiro, the last of his ninja line. Miyagi-san asks SeanJoe if he would consider taking Hiro as his student, but SeanJoe refuses, saying he doesn’t teach kids. Satisfied that he’s at least managed to saddle someone else with his idiot nephew, Mr. Miyagi then warps out of the room immediately after saying goodbye. Hiro asks how he did that, to which SeanJoe replies, “ninja magic.” So yes, in this movies, ninjas just warp around everywhere at will, paying little attention to who they do it in front of, and yet haven’t been tracked down like E.T. for scientific research. Sure, that’s plausible.

Now that our Cop and a Half style buddy action-comedy has been set up, SeanJoe and Hiro roll away in his truck as Hiro repeatedly mentions how he’s now noticing girls and doesn’t know what it means. I swear that if SeanJoe explains to him what a boner is, I’m turning this off right now. SeanJoe ends up having his dinner that night with Hiro along for the ride, when Lisa reveals that she made the mistake with the varnish on purpose to meet SeanJoe. Portraying David Bradley and Michael Dudikoff as heartthrobs might be the biggest stretch to logic these movies make, and they love to do it. As dinner ends, Lisa goes to the kitchen to fetch dessert when the Viper shows up to snatch her. Moments later, SeanJoe and Hiro notice the Viper walking away with her and run after them. They’re greeted by ninjas, of course, who spit on regular weapons in favor of the more badass flaming arrow and a flaming set of nunchuks to try to stop him, and yet they are defeated just as easily. The Viper loads Lisa onto an ambulance which SeanJoe tries unsuccessfully to jump on while Hiro grabs SeanJoe’s truck and takes off, with SeanJoe jumping in the back before eventually makes his way from the box to the passenger seat. They follow the ambulance to a waiting plane where they load Lisa onboard, apparently not noticing that they were followed rather noisily for the entire drive. SeanJoe and Hiro then stow away in the cargo section just before the ship takes off, which then features a way, way too long shot of SeanJoe just sitting there, hopefully reflecting on what a failure his life has become.

I'm sure you could bust out, Joe, if only there was some way to pass you a tool or weapon...

The plane arrives in Venezuela where Lisa is turned over to Evil Ghandi as SeanJoe and Hiro sneak off the plane only for SeanJoe to end up being arrested. But as he rots alone in jail, SeanJoe receives a visit from Hiro, who reassures him through his prison cell window that leads to street level that he’s going to find a way to free him. Shit, you could pass him a weapon through the bars. I’m pretty sure even a South American jail wouldn’t be stupid enough to have a window from a prison cell to the street outside.

As we turn back to Glock, he explains to the doctor that the consequences will be severe if he doesn’t cooperate, bringing Lisa on the scene. Horrified, the doctor takes his daughter aside and explains that his formula will kill insects and leave no toxic residue, as desired, but it will kill humans in high enough concentrations. But the doctor goes on to declare that he’ll find a way to cause the whole thing to backfire and kill them all before he complies with Glock’s demands, somehow forgetting that Glock and his men are only about five feet away and he’s not whispering. Fuck…

The ancient battle between pirates and ninjas has a new bastardized champion.

The movie catches up with our heroes moments later as SeanJoe is transported from the jail in a van, being moved to God knows where. We get a nice long scene where Hiro chases after the van while background music plays that is far too whimsical for this movie. I feel like I’m watching a village celebration scene in a Zelda game. Eventually Hiro gets beside the van and purposely wipes out, which causes the van to stop and the only two guards inside it to get out and see if he’s okay. But while they’re looking for the kid in the gathered crowd, Hiro sneaks around and steals the van. Thinking that all is safe, Hiro drives for a while until Evil Ghandi and a random thug ram the van off the road using a jeep. After taking the kid out, hanging him by the jacket on a nearby tree, and unloading their Uzis into the side of the van, they open the back door to make sure that SeanJoe is dead. When they look in, SeanJoe’s not there as is shown in a shot of the van which is clearly empty. But how did he get out? As they ponder that, he suddenly he is, jumping out to attack them. Where did he come from, since the van was empty? Don’t ask. And just to spice things up, he starts to talk in a shitty Elvis impersonation while kicking ass. But as SeanJoe goes to get the kid down, the Viper suddenly warps onto the top of the van, summoning ninjas who also come out of nowhere. So…did they warp too? What the fuck is going on? As SeanJoe fights a group of them, others come and carry Hiro off into the hills. SeanJoe naturally ends up chasing after them, fighting more ninjas before coming to a goddamn random obstacle course featuring swinging sacks filled with knives. Was that already there? Is that common in Venezuela unbeknownst to me? Regardless, he finally rescues Hiro and they escape.

As they walk back down by random docks, they try to figure out the connection between all the events they’ve been a witness to, which is theoretically impossible considering how much of it was bullshit. Suddenly Evil Ghandi and the same thug pull up in the same Jeep again, firing an Uzi at them before tossing a grenade. With his pants on fire, SeanJoe dives into the ocean just as the Viper appears. Having hid behind some crates safely, Hiro believes SeanJoe to be dead and starts to bawl like a baby. Minutes later he ends up wandering the streets alone, trying to trade away his Sega GameGear in return for the directions to the American Embassy. But not even kids in the third world are dumb enough to accept a GameGear. Meanwhile SeanJoe meditates on a rooftop conveniently just above Hiro, praying to Mr. Miyagi to give him strength before his flex-praying eventually destroys the shackles on his arms. Down below, Hiro finds a group of men playing a back alley game of dice. He decides that’s a great place to stop, trying to blend in when some dude comes up and calls Hiro a thief, threatening to take a finger with a knife. Suddenly SeanJoe appears in a shirt that looks like a test for color blindness and grabs the knife away. Our two heroes then run up to a rooftop where SeanJoe uses the knife to cut a live power line, which I’m pretty sure would execute him, before once again saying in an Elvis voice, “Let’s swing”. They use the power line to swing down to the street leaving the men behind to laugh as they crash into a fish kiosk.

As they walk away from the experience smelling like a hobo’s ballsack, SeanJoe has the nerve to tell Hiro that he needs a steady hand, guidance, and to be back in school. The conversation then gets confusing and retarded, which is not surprising but highly fucking boring. But it soon ends when the Viper warps onto the scene again, along with another group of ninjas. An epic battle of four seconds then takes place before they’re all disposed of by SeanJoe, before our heroes walk around a corner and find the Viper with yet another group of ninjas. To make this just as stupid as it is not exciting, this fight involves SeanJoe kicking some ass while Hiro aims his GameGear at them from a distance, pretending to fire it like a gun while it makes shitty fake machine gun sounds. Much to my applause, the Viper then punches Hiro to the ground, standing over him while Hiro has a flashback of the Viper killing his father in a sword duel and taking a medallion from around his father’s neck. As the vision comes to an end, SeanJoe flies in and knocks the Viper back, fighting with him for a minute before the Viper does a back flip and warps away. But just before this scene is a complete waste of time, SeanJoe then puts a random ninja in a headlock and demands to know where Lisa is, getting the information he needs before snapping the ninja’s neck.

Later SeanJoe wakes Hiro up in a different location, assuring him that everything is alright before Hiro begins to confess to hiding while the Viper killed his father, crying that he’s a coward. Again, he begs for SeanJoe to teach him Ninjitsu so that he can redeem his honor. But again SeanJoe refuses, prompting Hiro to say that he knows about SeanJoe’s younger brother who was killed in a fight. Hiro assures SeanJoe that it wasn’t his fault, but SeanJoe says that he was his sensei, so he was responsible. Shaking his head, Hiro assures him that he couldn’t have stopped his brother anymore than SeanJoe can stop him.

Ninja Rule #1: Nothing is more important than practicing your kicks in front of a good sunset. Nothing.

Apparently that five second reassurance was all SeanJoe needed, as it jumps straight to lesson one of Hiro’s ninja training, which the Nine Levels of Power configuration, a method of holding your hands together while meditating. As they begin to meditate, smoke billows in and Miyagi-san suddenly appears. He congratulates SeanJoe on reaching the boy in a way no one else could before telling Hiro that he carries a burden too heavy for a young boy. Mr. Miyagi asks him to think back to the teaching that he’s suppressing which results in a series of flashbacks of Hiro as a toddler training with his father on a beach. Miyagi-san then says to SeanJoe that he must also let go of his pain when some dude, whom I guess is supposed to be SeanJoe’s little brother, walks up and smiles like a dillhole before walking away again. Um…okay. Miyagi-san then warns them to be weary of the evil samurai known as the Viper, banished from Japan for his treachery, before wandering back into the smoke and disappearing. That might have been useful to hear before they had already run into the Viper twice, Miyagi-san, but thanks for the memories. With that initial mindfuck out of the way, it’s time to kick the training into high gear as we see SeanJoe and Hiro practicing kicks in front of the sunset. You know, there’s shit to get done, assholes. Lisa could be dying as you do the goddamn splits. This might not be the best time for a beginner’s ninja class.

Now that the preparation is done, SeanJoe and Hiro decide it’s finally time for action. They head to Glock’s hotel where the security is so tight that henchmen are playing cards while ninjas lounge around. The two of them break in after stealing two ninjas’ outfits, using such ancient ninja techniques as pushing Hiro down a hallway on a room service cart while he kicks passing ninjas in the face before eventually freeing Lisa and escaping down a rope to the courtyard below. The rope gives out and they fall the last two stories, landing in a shallow pool, but hey, they’re fine. They run out the front of the hotel with a ton of ninjas in pursuit, eventually getting a cab and taking off to the American embassy. As they ride in the cab, Lisa explains the situation with her father’s new pesticide and the whole affair surrounding it to our two heroes. SeanJoe decides to drop Hiro off at the embassy to get help before leaving for Glock Labs, not knowing that the ambassador is actually n Glock’s pocket, right next to his Tic-Tacs and signed, wallet-sized picture of John Ratzenberger.

Back at his lab, Glock comes to check on the doctor’s progress, which is considerable as he’s not only created a weaponized version of the gas, but also constructed a briefcase to carry it. Glock demands a demonstration, bringing the puppy in again as an adorable subject whom I would kill every asshole in this movie to save. The doctor complies, but instead tries to set off the gas with Glock in the room there with him. But his attempt is unsuccessful, of course, which results only in Glock declaring that they will test the gas on him alone.

As our focus turns to the outside of the building, SeanJoe and Lisa sneak up to the lab just in time to see the ambassador pull up to the front doors with Hiro in tow. As Hiro is taken into a warehouse area to await his fate, he starts to meditate to pass the time while Lisa and SeanJoe begin to slowly fight their way inside. SeanJoe eventually makes his way to the warehouse and saves Hiro only moments before the ambassador, Glock, and the Viper walk in. A random thug drags Lisa away as ninjas assemble for the showdown, one of whom pops out of a box that was in the room. Wait…was he there the whole time, just waiting for the off-chance that a fight will break out in there? Anyways, the grand battle begins, which is actually no larger in scale than any other fight in the film thus far. But while it’s going on, Lisa knocks out the thug holding her and hurries off to find her father. With the standard fodder soon out of the way, SeanJoe and Hiro then face off against the Viper, who immediately disposes of Hiro before moving on to SeanJoe. After a few minutes, the Viper appears to be beating him, so Glock and the ambassador decide that leaving is a smarter choice than seeing the fight through to conclusion and making sure that their irritant meets his end. For some reason at that point the Viper then turns his attention to beating on Hiro again, giving SeanJoe a chance to get back up. The Viper leaves the kid and faces SeanJoe again, only for the battle to turn in SeanJoe’s favor as he finishes with a spectacular JCVD signature jumping splits kick.

Sean, Joe - whatever your name is - leave the chick and her dad behind if you have to, just save that goddamn puppy!

While this epic battle is going on, Lisa manages to find her father and the puppy, rushing in to save them just before Evil Ghandi walks in to stop her. He laughs maniacally while Glock and the ambassador arrive just in time to see the bomb’s countdown comes to an end, releasing the deadly gas. But just then, SeanJoe kicks his way in opens the door to the test chamber, passing the doctor and Lisa gas masks while leaving Evil Ghandi, Glock, and the ambassador to fight over two masks remaining.

As all three men die of the gas after discovering that the two remaining masks were actually broken, our heroes run outside just in time to see a plane leaving on the lab’s runway. Bursting into action, SeanJoe runs up and jumps into the back of the plane just before it takes off, finding Hiro in the back and the Viper flying it. Setting it to auto-pilot, the Viper moves to the back to fight them again, while SeanJoe notices a suitcase beside him has a counter that’s counting down. As and the Viper grapple, Hiro moves up to the front to fly the plane. He eventually turns around to use a slingshot, hitting the Viper with his father’s pendant just as SeanJoe throws a small flaming bundle. The Viper falls out of the plane engulfed in flaming, begging the question of why he’s not just warping down to the water to save himself. But it doesn’t matter now, as SeanJoe douses the ticking briefcase in water, which apparently defeats it the bombs inside. He joins Hiro in the cockpit where the two of them laughs at how retarded this whole thing has been before deciding it’s time to go home.

For one last kick in the face, the movie turns back to Lisa’s boat in America, where all the characters are sitting together when Miyagi-san shows up just to remind us that he actually collected a paycheck for this bullshit. He sits down and plays some GameGear while SeanJoe and Lisa move to the back for some private time. But just as they move to make out, Hiro warps in, silently begging for a freaky ninja three-way. SeanJoe tells him to fuck off so that he can get some, crushing the dream and causing Hiro to warp away. As the two finally kiss, this very painful adventure officially ends.

We leave on the immortal words of Coach Hayden, as he decrees in the chapter on life: “This is a much more confusing game than football.” Truer words have never been said, coach. Dauber be praised.

The Verdict:

Donkey: As you no doubt know by now, to truly evaluate any film in this series, you have to evaluate them as a whole, as the larger context truly points out how insane the parts are. First, there is absolutely no continuity between films, which is nothing short of award worthy. Did the screenwriters of the successive sequels not even bother to watch the movies that came before it? The fact that this series can have Sean go from being a random karate champion to a CIA agent, and then have him suddenly go by the name of Joe in the last fucking movie without a single word of explanation as to why he’s using Michael Dudikoff’s character’s name, all with a straight face, is nothing short of astounding. And how can you possibly justify making five goddamn movies in the series when all of them are nearly identical, especially when not a single one of them is worth telling? Sweet Hayden, I have to give this entire series four generic ninjas out of five completely inexplicable Elvis impersonations.

What We Learned:

Donkey: Apparently no one in the 80′s knew what a ninja really was. It’s a fucking assassin, people, not just some asshole who knows karate. So American or otherwise, putting on black pajamas, taking three karate classes down at the local community center, and wandering around to help solve problems does not make you a fucking ninja.

And wait a minute…I fucking hate Coach. This book is still hilarious, though.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: one of the greatest games in the history of video games, dropping a massive turd on all our chests in…SUPER MARIO BROS.

Back To The Main Page.

Specifying that this is a "live-action motion picture" seems a little pointless since even cartoons show more expression than Dolph Lundgren.

Donkey: Blombo and I have been friends for a long time. About twenty six years, to be exact. Our mothers worked together as nurses at the same small town hospital and decided that since we were the same age, we should be friends. So I remember never quite knowing why I suddenly starting playing over at Blombo’s house. I just did. But as much as spending time with a Dutch ginger kid sounds like it would be the formula for destroying any childhood, he and I became great friends. And as much as I hate to admit it, at that age it was in no small part because of his toy collection. He’ll protest when I make the claim now, but there can be no denying that back then that motherfucker had every toy under the sun. Not that I was deprived in the slightest, but my parents had a different philosophy. My dad actually bought Transformers and kept them in his closet until we could save up enough allowance money to pay for them, which took well over a month. Blombo, on the other hand, got damn near anything he wanted. After all, it was just plastic, right? So I LOVED going to his house since there was so much over there to play with. And since I already had a lot of Tranformers and never really like GI Joe, it was the He-man toys that we always had a lot of fun with. So when we watched Masters Of The Universe, I couldn’t happen but think back to those days in his basement and smile. That spoiled motherfucker.

The Plot:

Donkey: Masters of the Universe is the basic tale of good versus evil. And when I say basic, I’m not kidding, because there’s little else to it beyond that. On the possibly faraway world of Eternia, an animated Skeleton named, get this, Skeletor, is commanding an army of darkness that intends to rule the world. Why is he a goddamn skeleton? Where did he come from? What are his motivations? Does anyone even care? But he is opposed by He-man and his fellow so-called Masters of the Universe, yet another group that we don’t actually know anything about, who protect Castle Grayskull and its secrets by commanding an army that we never actually see. Sound good yet? No? Well how about we throw in some teenagers! When Skeletor manages to take over the Castle using the Cosmic Key, He-man and his crew flee to Earth in desperation and end up relying on the help of two teenaged shitheads to save their world.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Since this is the Castle of the heroes, I'd love to see what Skeletor's pad looks like.

Donkey: Our movie this week begins with a narrator who delivers a ten second introductory prologue so superficial that it might as well have been, “It’s He-man, bitches! Enjoy!” while forcing us to stare at an oil painting of Castle Grayskull that they try to pass off as photo realistic. Then they roll some opening credits roll across a background that looks like a rainbow puked on the film before the movie quite literally explodes down to the surface of Eternia. Inside the aforementioned Castle, the ultimate badass, Skeletor, receives a status report from his evil, chain smoking second in command, Evil-Lyn, before taking his stolen seat on the newly conquered throne. The movie offers no explanation as to why either its chief antagonist is basically a fully animated skeleton with goddamn eyeballs or what his motivations for being evil happen to be, but I highly suspect that he’s out to plunder the universe in search of a goddamn sandwich. Seriously dude, eat something. This guy is an anorexic’s wet dream. As he brags of his recent conquest, almost like he’s writing a letter to Penthouse Letters for Evil Overlords out loud, the captive guardian of Castle Grayskull, known only as The Sorceress, spars with him verbally using every metaphor that she has in her limited arsenal. Once he grows tired of her cryptic and pointless banter, he raises his hand and, judging from the facial expression that she makes, either begins to leech her power away from her or give her multiple orgasms. Really, it doesn’t matter which is the case. Needing a smoke and a nap, Skeletor fights his urges and instead activates a device which broadcasts a giant holographic image of him in the sky outside, where he addresses the world’s population, or at least the fifty or so people in the immediate area who can see the thing. He declares that the war is officially over now that he has captured Castle Grayskull and the powers of the Sorceress. Huzzah! Free breakfast burritos for all!

The only truth in this movie: most men would need magic to make a woman reach orgasm.

As Skeletor holographic visage issues its decree, by a lone figure looks on while standing dramatically on a perch in the middle of goddamn nowhere. It’s He-Man, the most powerful/tragically named man in the universe! For those of you who don’t remember him from the cartoon, He-man was a blonde, nearly naked steroid freak in a loin cloth, fur boots, and a fucked up S&M chest piece whom rocked out with a Dutch-boy haircut. This movie captures the same spirit, but adds a modern and less blatantly homosexual twist. While he still has an outstanding loin cloth, his chest piece now looks like a medieval version of football pads, he’s sporting a beautifully flowing Kentucky Waterfall, and they’ve added a cape in a thinly veiled attempt to make him appear more clothed and therefore less likely to slam his well-oiled man-boobs into your face at any moment. In other words, his Fabulous! Quotient is still remarkably high, but now he looks kind of like a non-science fiction version of Steve Armstrong from Arena. As a matter of fact, that gives me an awesome idea for a sequel…Masters of the Universe II: He-Man Vs Steve Armstrong: Going for Gold in the Space Olympics. As a matter of fact, I’m going to pause the movie for about twenty minutes and go doodle pictures of that on some construction paper! Sweet!

Don't say Dolph isn't a versatile actor. He can represent any emotion equally badly using only a single expression.

Now that I’ve given up after spending an hour trying to decide which pencil crayon color is appropriate to draw awesome with, let’s get back to the show. He-man watches Skeletor’s holographic speech from on high, showing a distinct lack of emotion that one might mistake for stoic indifference rather than just a phenomenal inability to emote the most basic human expression. So while taking the news of his loss in stride, I guess, He-man decides that he’s not ready to surrender quite yet, so he jumps down from his perch to take on a group of passing enemy soldiers just for shits and giggles. Despite what you’d expect, his famed magical Sword of Grayskull is used more as ‘business’ to keep his hands busy than anything else while the battle features an awful lot of laser pistols, which I don’t ever remember being in the original cartoon. Apparently the best way to make a He-man movie is to try to make it as close to Star Wars as possible, seeing as they’re kind of, sort of, actually not even close.

We were thoroughly crushed by Skeletor's men...the same men who somehow won't manage to kill the three of us for the remainder of the film.

Once He-man finishes the group off, his two trusted allies, a grizzled old army veteran named Man-At-Arms and his warrior daughter Teela, arrive on the scene. Again, if you’re unfamiliar with the cartoon that inspired this movie, I’d just like to confirm the fact that has likely just blown the pants right off your mind: this movie has a character named Man-At-Arms. No shit. Since He-man was apparently away taking a ten pound dump somewhere while the invasion went down, they recount the tale of their decisive defeat. And while that exceptionally brief tale comes to an end, we begin to hear the harrowing cries of a midget in the distance. The heroes go to investigate, discovering that the soldiers they have just killed were transporting a tiny figure named Orko…wait, I mean Gwildor, who reveal that he’s a locksmith and inventor who was being hunted by Skeletor’s men. When He-Man asks why, Gwildor says that it would be easier to show him than explain it. Don’t do it, He-man! Stranger danger! If he takes you to a shitty van and asks you if you like to suck on ‘candy’, run like hell!

If you dig far enough into any problem, you'll always find a midget at its source.

The group heads back to Gwildor’s home in The Shire, or whatever they call its shitty equivalent in this movie, where Gwildor invites them in for tea and reach-arounds. But after getting no takers, he instead shows them the reason why he was being pursued: his latest invention, which he calls the Cosmic Key. It’s basically an awkward cylindrical keyboard that can open a portal to any point in the universe from the tones that it generates, which Gwildor shows off by activating it. Being the universal super genius that he is, He-Man quickly surmises that this device is the method that Skeletor used to enter Castle Grayskull uncontested. Gwildor agrees before going on to explain that he was visited by Evil-Lyn, who stole the only other model of this device from him. He-man then asks if it’s possible to use the Cosmic Key to leap directly into the throne room of Castle Grayskull, even though he’s the one who just said assumed that’s exactly what Skeletor did. Gwildor confirms that it can be done but warns against such a move, saying that if they were to activate this Key, Skeletor could use the one in his possession to locate the signal. Not to mention the fact that He-man might end up bouncing around through time and space, entering people’s bodies just long enough to solve their problems with the help of Dean Stockwell before moving on, in an endless succession that won’t end until ratings plummet. Oh boy. But now that Gwildor’s given that warning, I can’t help but remember that he activated the Key himself a second ago just to brag. Maybe that’s why a death squad just knocked on your front door, brainiac.

As said group of stormtroopers, I mean soldiers, led a by a starving poodle with an afro named Karg prepares to break down the front door and kill everyone inside, He-man and the rest of the gang flees down a secret, yet extremely well illuminated passageway that conveniently leads directly from Gwildor’s cave to the caverns under Castle Grayskull. What are the odds of that? And as an aside Gwildor, you probably should have mentioned that little tidbit of information before activating the Key on a whim and spoiling any chance of a surprise attack. Just before they disappear down the tunnel and close the entrance behind them, Gwildor proclaims that he doesn’t like adventures. That’s good pal, because that’s not how I’d describe this movie.

I can hold him off until the Eye of Darkness lights the Path of Righteous and the Wind of...aw, fuck it. Just go, asshole.

As the death squad rips apart Gwildor’s bachelor pad, where they inevitably will find his collection of Brazilian fart porn, the movie cuts over to He-man and the Masters of the Universe wandering into the throne room of Castle Grayskull, which sits surprisingly empty. They scramble up to the force field in which the Sorceress is being held, trying to use the Cosmic Key to spring her while she explains that she can only hold off Skeletor until The Great Eye opens, whatever the fuck that means. But before they can accomplish much of anything, Skeletor and a legion of soldiers march in and spoil the party. With his mortal enemy in his grasp and victory all but assured, Skeletor takes a moment to expand on the bullshit the Sorceress was spouting, explaining that when the moon reaches its zenith, the Great Eye will open and the powers of the universe will be revealed to him. Oh, now it makes perfect sense. It sure is nice of him to lay out his entire plan, going so far as to give them a timeline in which they have to stop him. While he blathers on, Evil-Lyn notices that Gwildor has another Cosmic Key and shouts a warning, prompting Skeletor to launch his army into action. Despite being outnumbered at least ten times over, He-man and the Masters of the Discharge are not slaughtered right away. Of course, they don’t really achieve much either since a four piece jigsaw puzzle would be too much for these people to handle, so Man-At-Arms suggests that Gwildor open a portal so that they can escape to the fabled land of “anywhere”. Gwildor complies, and as they all leap into the portal, the retarded midget manages to drop the Key. But just before the portal closes forever, a grappling hook claw flies back from its depths and grabs the key, pulling it into the portal behind them. Enraged at their predictable and yet futile escape, Skeletor demands that someone track them the next time they use the key. After all, as he says, “I must possess all or I possess nothing”. Wow. That’s exceptionally profound. It means fucking NOTHING, but it’s profound in its meaninglessness.

Rather than leaving us with the false hope that they’ve found themselves warped into the icy tomb of deep space, the movie turns right back to our heroes as they find themselves spit out of the portal faster than broccoli in the mouth of a fat man on a Pixie Stix bender. They regroup slowly after the side-splitting hilarity of Gwildor landing face first in mud, only to discover that the Cosmic Key has been lost. But it’s not all bad news, as not only Gwildor was lucky enough to have chosen a planet at random that not only has a breathable atmosphere, but they’ve landed on a part of the planet that speaks the same goddamn language they do. Deciding to make their uselessness more efficient, they split up and wander off in search for the Key.

Between this and dancing with Bruce Springsteen, which do you think you helped her career more?

Taking a break from this roller coaster of non-stop action, the movie now introduces us to Courtney Cox, a woman in her mid-twenties playing a high school student named Julie who’s recently been shattered by the accidental death of her parents. And by shattered, I mean that she spends her day grinning vacantly just a little less often than she would have otherwise. As she finishes her last shift at a rib and chicken joint, Courtney talks about her plans for the future with a coworker. It’s fair to surmise that she wants to follow her parents through the gates of hell, as she discloses that she’s leaving tonight to go to start a new life in New Jersey. Once her shift ends, she heads out to the parking lot to meet her boyfriend, Kevin, in his awesome rapist van. They sit and make idle chit chat for a moment, while Kevin appears to struggle to find a way to ask her to give him one last rimjob before she leaves forever. But eventually he resigns himself to the fact that he and his dry anus will have to go back to having sex with his stuffed animal collection, and the two of them head off to the cemetery to so that Courtney can say good-bye to her parents.

To remind us that this in not just a particularly shitty episode of All My Children, once the two love birds roll away, the entire search party of heroes, save He-man, pops out of the bushes looking for chow. After yet another uproarious scene where the gang discovers that the food that Gwildor has stolen is the flesh of an animal, they head back into the woods more disgusted with humankind than I was the day that I first watched Glenn Beck.

As we catch up with the two crazy kids up to their wacky hi-jinx at the cemetery, Courtney delivers a speech ripped straight out of an afterschool special starring Fred Savage about how her parents’ death was her fault. But that entire personal trauma seems to just wash away the moment they walk only to find the Cosmic Key lying in a flower bed nearby. Well done. There’s nothing that nullifies any credibility your grief had quite like, “I miss you so much, mom and dad…Hey, is that a shiny object! COOOOOOL!” Regardless, they find the Key lying in a huge goddamn hole in the ground, so naturally these two brain surgeons conclude that it must have fallen from the sky. And yet Kevin is still bright enough that when Courtney asks what it is, he says that he thinks it’s some kind of new Japanese synthesizer. Yeah, it must be. Rather than going with the direct Pearl Habour approach, the Japanese must have a developed a new strategy of dropping kick ass instruments on Middle America to slowly sedate you with rock. Undaunted by his own crippling stupidity, Kevin fires the Key up and starts jamming on it, since it seems that Gwildor was considerate enough to build it to match Earth’s musical scales. Yeah, find C sharp for me, asshole.

What? Dead parents? Fuck them...this thing has flashing lights!

Back on Eternia, Skeletor and his gang detect the signal of the suddenly activated Key and manage to track it within a “parsec eon”. An eon is a measurement of time, dickheads. Did you also happen to find your lunchbox within a “mile hour”? Suspecting that it might be a trap, as apparently their witless actions to this point are just a cover for the fact that He-man and his two and a half fellow warriors are sly enough to take out an entire army, Skeletor decides to send a group of mercenaries to check out the situation first. But regardless of how poorly they decide to do it, the noose begins to tighten on our heroes.

Look, I can play Chopsticks now!

Unaware of the moderately unsubstantial danger that they’re in back on Earth, Courtney and Kevin arrive at the high school gym where he sets up to play a gig with his band. While doing the sound check, Kevin asks Courtney for her opinion as he starts playing one of the lamest keyboard riffs that I’ve ever heard. It’s so shitty that it would be inappropriate to use as the soundtrack for a failure. She smiles and humors him, though, secretly reaffirming to herself that she’s got to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. This is pretty remarkable when you consider that most musicians can’t help but to get laid, even if they’re at an appointment reviewing their stock portfolio or to having a boil lanced. But I’m serious when I say that this guy is so unsexy, he would dry up a vagina faster than a paper towel dildo stuck on a rubber Michael Bolton replica. He’s feeling spunky, however, so Kevin decides to rock out on the Cosmic Key again, this time amping it up to see how it sounds when he plays it badly but really loud. What, seriously? Gwildor built an output for an amp on that thing? I guess that’s in case he wants to open a portal to another world, and do it TO THE EXTREME! Kevin hits the special button on the Key, this time starting a little sound clip while again showing the mini laser rock show. Right about now I’m having flashbacks of the shitty bossanova tune that my little brother’s keyboard played if you hit the demo button.

As we return to Eternia, Skeletor’s troops once again lock in to the source of the Key’s signal, tracking it even more precisely before taking a moment to introduce the team that is to be sent to Earth. Behold the destructors:

Dumb.

Beastman: the lone member of the troupe whom is from the old cartoon. He can’t speak, but grunts like he’s about to hump your leg instead. If you’ve ever heard him talk on the old show, you know as well as I do that this is probably for the best.

Dumber.

Karg: the previously mentioned constipated poodle with an afro. He’s got a hook for a hand, which I’m going to guess was elective surgery. He’s the leader of the troupe, likely because he has the most particularly evil sounding voice that’s all the more chilling with the natural slurring that occurs when the actor tries to talk through the stiff rubber mask.

Fairly gay.

Blade: the gay cyber pirate of the future. He’s got the mandatory eye patch, pirate boots, chainmail, and two swords. But what you don’t see if how much he loves to snuggle up at night with a cappuccino and the latest issue of Good Housekeeping, dreaming about giving up all the plundering and pillaging so that he can get that little cottage of his own one day.

Fodder.

Saurod: He’s a lizard in armor. He’s got a gun. Enough said.

Before they leave, Skeletor instructs them to find the key, bring He-man back alive, and do whatever they want with the others. I think he’s slyly suggesting either rape or challenging them to an Over The Top style arm wrestling tournament.

Back on Earth, Kevin is finishing up his sound check when he decides that now’s the perfect time to run over to Charlie’s music store to show off his new synthesizer, leaving Courtney behind to stare at an empty gymnasium. Sure, that seems like a perfectly reasonable idea when it’s your last evening together with your girlfriend. But almost immediately after he leaves, the portal delivering Skeletor’s mercenaries opens just outside the gym. Since they are pretty blatantly useless throughout the rest of the film, the troupe stops for a minute to prove that they can at least slap one person around by picking on a helpless janitor that happens to wander into the room. When they finish with him, they burst into the gym to find Courtney all alone. She manages to escape them by pulling the ultra sneaky moves of crawling under a stage and then running out a door. Wow, I think even the most effective mercenaries would have been helpless to stop that clever sequence of evasive maneuvers. As they leave the place burning behind them, the group follows Courtney out into the night.

Quick, to the cafeteria for Sloppy Joes!

Courtney shouts for help while running into an outdoor storage area/open walled warehouse, where, naturally, she runs into He-man after he heard her cries for help and decided to intercept. Apparently running into a nearly naked, oiled man with a sword and a mullet doesn’t astonish her, as once she tells him that she’s being chased, she doesn’t object in the slightest when he carries her to safety, leaves her hidden, and then runs out to face the group of pursuing villains. He takes them all on one after the other, in an orgy of complete and utter martial incompetence. And after He-man has slapped them around for a while, Man-At-Arms and Teela arrive in the distance and start shooting before taking so much as a second to figure out who they should be shooting at or why. The villains flee, leaving Courtney to be assured by a nearly naked stranger that everything is going to be fine. No, that’s pretty far from goddamn fine, thanks.

Before they get back...do you know how to find the prostate? Good.

He-man takes a moment to share the insane tale of his journey through space with Courtney, ending it by asking if she’s seen the Cosmic Key, not bothering to add the disclaimer that his question is retarded due to the incredibly unlikely chances that he just happened to run into the one of the two people who just happened to find the Key a short while ago. But of course she recognizes the description right away, and agrees to help before telling He-man that Kevin’s got the Key. Concluding that Kev-Bot’s likely in danger, He-man decides to stop trying to find the right moment to ask if she would be willing to go behind some crates and put a finger in his ass, declaring that they should move out. Once they get up, he introduces Courtney to his semi-competent companions, Man-At-Arms and Teela, just before Gwildor rolls up in a car that he stole from a retarded pimp and then somehow managed to convert to an entirely new power source within an hour at most. And the entire purpose of the scene is so that for the remainder of the film, they get to roll around in a shitty Cadillac that has an extra light on the back and makes space-aged sounds while it drives. That’s totally unnecessary. Are they going to do so much driving that stealing a car with a full tank of gas wouldn’t have been good enough?

Charlie, do you know how to reprogram this thing to play something other than We Built This City?

Having left his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend both not laid and in mortal peril, Kev-meister shows up at Charlie’s music store to show off the Cosmic Key. After what’s becoming the very standard brief laser Pink Floyd show, he and Charlie notice a bunch of sirens racing past the shop. Finding this considerably more interesting than Kevin’s useless tool, Charlie pulls out his police band radio, which is screeching something about a fire at the school gym. After the sudden realization that he truly is an asshole dawns on Kevin, he takes off to find Courtney. He soon makes it back to the school and tries to run past the police and fire crews, only to be stopped by a bald cop played by the unspeakably awesome James Tolkan, or as most of us would know him, Strickland, the principal in Back To The Future. Despite Strickland’s insistence that there was no one in the building apart from a molested janitor, Kev-o-matic tries to explain that his girlfriend really was there and demands to know why Strickland isn’t out there doing something about this. Really? Why isn’t he out looking for a girl that you just told him about only seven seconds ago? Do you really need an answer to that question? Strickland’s reaction, which is far more merciful than the nightstick beating deserved, is to grab Kevin and throw him in his car so that the two of them can go looking for Courtney together. The first place that the two of them look, naturally, is Courtney’s house. They walk in just as Courtney calls from a pay phone to make sure that Kevin still has the Cosmic Key, telling him to stay there until she can get there. Once the call is over, the two men sit in awkward silence for a moment before Strickland activates the key and by banging on it like a monkey with a coconut.

You know what your problem is? You're a slacker, just like your old man.

If this asshole has the ability to cast lightning that disintegrates people instantaneously, why is He-man not long dead?

Back on Eternia, as Skeletor laments over his lack of popularity with its general population like a goddamn twelve year old girl, his quartet of bumbling mercenaries stride into the throne room and recount the tale of their unbridled failure. In a show of appreciation for their noteworthy underachievement, Skeletor capriciously blasts Saurod with a bolt of lightning that disintegrates him instantly. Fare thee well, random armored lizard. We hardly knew ye, mostly because you didn’t have a single line of dialogue or productive moment in the film. The others beg for an opportunity to fail again, and since Skeletor seems perfectly happy to destroy them one at a time with lightning power, he obliges by dispatching Evil-Lyn to lead them back with a small group of soldiers.

So what the fuck exactly does this thing read to produce pictures of events that have already occurred? You know what, nevermind.

Once the new team arrives on Earth, Evil-Lyn and the band of merry men arrive back at the scene of their brief battle with He-man. After she finishes watching the mulleted wonder beat the piss out of the mercenaries on some kind of scanner which shows the events that unfolded there earlier, they pick up the signal of Strickland activating the key back at Courtney’s house. To the Douchemobile! But before the crew of circus rejects can reach Courtney’s house in time, Strickland gets suspicious of the whole affair and confiscates the Cosmic Key, leaving Kevin behind to sift through Courtney’s dirty underwear. The Kev-baller doesn’t have time to get too freaky, however, as the horde of villains arrives only moments later. They burst into the house and subdue Kevin by placing a electronic collar around his neck that leaves him in a hypnotic trance. They interrogate him, learning that Strickland had just left with the Key.

Now be honest and tell me...does this hat make me look too butch?

Having finished with the young shit stain, the crew of dastardly dillholes flies away only moments before our heroes finally arrive at Courtney’s house. And by fly away, I mean that they load up into their ship, which then appears in the next shot in cardboard cut out form as it is slowly and stiffly raised into the air before jerkily sailing away. He-man and friends run into the house to find Kevin still under the power of his collar. They take it off so that he can slowly regain his senses, which obviously results in Kevin freaking out when he sees his girlfriend standing with shitty Halloween rejects. And things don’t get much better when Gwildor saunters in dressed like an old woman. Once he finally collects his wits, Kevin tells the gang that the Strickland has left with the Key, heading to Charlie’s music store. To the Cadillac! And only seconds later, the movie transitions back to that pivotal store, where we see Strickland trying to get Charlie to tell him what the Key is and whether or not it was made by communists. Not bothering to beat around the bush, He-man and the Masters of the Self-Cut Hair stride directly up to Strickland and demand the Key back, just as they detect that Evil-Lyn and her strike force are approaching.

If that dog laughs at me one more time...

The stage for yet another greatly disappointing battle is now set. While the villains prepare for their assault, He-man and Man-At-Arms try to fortify the store with keyboards and various other musical instruments to defend themselves as the others all hide in a back room. The fighting finally begins when generic soldiers run through the store’s front windows and begin firing their laser rifles in no particular direction, managing not to come close to hitting their targets, despite the fact that they once again outnumber them considerably. He-man and Man-At-Arms return fire, and that’s basically it. There’s nothing else to it. They hide behind a stack of keyboards basically playing a shitty game of Duck Hunt while enemy soldiers continue to wander in through the smashed out front windows. Wanting a piece of the tedious action as she listens from the back room, Teela leaves Kev-O in charge of the gun, instructing him to keep Strickland at bay while Gwildor tries to find the right code in the Cosmic Key to get them home.

It's me, your mother. My name? Um...mother.

As this scene gets clearly boring, we see this reflected in Courtney’s face as she would rather sit and look out the window than face the mundane situations she finds herself in. But as she stares down the alley behind the store, she sees her dead mother standing at the end of it. Sure, there’s nothing even remotely suspicious about that. But as she’s proven several times by accompanying a naked stranger who claims to be from another planet in the middle of the night, Courtney isn’t too bright. She wanders outside while the Kev-Master starts wrestling with Strickland for the gun, which proves that not only is she not very bright, but she couldn’t care less if Kevin lives or dies. As she slips away undetected, she reaches the end of the alley and meets her mother, who tells her that she and her father didn’t actually die in a plane crash, but just had to disappear because they’re doing very important, very secret work. Ah, that old story. Her mother then says that her new friends are involved in the whole affair, that she and her father need the Cosmic Key, and asking her to go get it for them. Still not catching onto this painfully obvious ploy that couldn’t fool a beagle with a learning disorder, Courtney runs back into the storeroom where a confused group only watches as she grabs the Key and takes off again. When she makes her way back to her mother and hands it over, the curtain to this painfully obvious magic trick is pulled back, revealing that her mother was actually Evil-Lyn. As Courtney screams in horror, the wicked sorceress simply walks away with the prize.

Now that Skeletor’s minionss have the Key and the pointless conflict becomes exponentially more pointless, the soldiers still fighting in the store all begin to withdraw, leaving He-man to pursue them through a haze of confusion while Evil-Lyn sends a message back to Eternia saying that they finally have the Key. Back in the store, Strickland asks Charlie if he has a gun while the two of them stand alone in the rubble. He does, of course, and pulls it out from under the front counter. No wait, he doesn’t have a gun. He has a fucking twelve gauge shotgun. That’s fucking ridiculous. What music store owner would keep a goddamn shotgun under their desk? Now that he’s armed again, Strickland runs out to attack the fleeing soldiers, only to be nearly killed when they return a volley of laser fire. With rapidly filling boxer shorts, he decides that he’s got to go get backup. Oh Strickland, your crusty antics warm me inside like a baked Pizza Pop. Will you never learn?

He-man and the Masters of the Ass Fissures are still running down the street in aimless pursuit when a portal starts to open near them. They flee the scene just in time for Skeletor and his army to arrive. His army consisting of about a dozen soldiers standing around his floating throne ship. Upon discovering that He-man is still running free, Skeletor dispatches his “Air Centurions”, which are the same old regular soldiers who happen to be riding shitty hoverboard platforms. Fleeing from these flying atrocities, our heroes manage to break into an abandoned building, where they head for the roof, because that’s the best fucking place to hide when you’re being hunted by flying enemies. Why not try the basement, you goddamn turd hammers. But to try and redeem himself, He-man hides near a window and waits for one of the Air Centurions to pass before shooting him dead. With a sweet ride now up for the taking, he jumps out and flies off the hoverboard.

Now that He-man has a idiotic excuse to be airborne, the movie tries to throw another brand of action at us as we’re treated to a whole series of flying scenes. It’s kind of like watching Top Gun as long as you’re watching it with hot sauce and cat turd smeared in your eyes. There are two ways that they make him appear to ‘fly’ in this movie, and both of them are equally outstanding. Half the shots are close ups of He-man crouching slightly as scenery whips by. Trust me, in no way does this look like they filmed Dolph from the waist up while he’s riding in the bed of a moving truck, because that would just be stupid. But that kind of stupidity is actually as good as it gets, because the other half of them are much worse. They are the shots of He-man and his hoverboard flying through the air, which consists of a model moving through the air while staying perfectly rigid. And when I say rigid, I mean no movement whatsoever, even when gravity would demand that he at lean in a certain direction. His head, arms, back…nothing. It would honestly look entirely appropriate for a giant hand to be holding onto He-man as he moves through the shots.

Look, I'm totally flying.

Now I'm totally flying upside down.

He-man races through the air, eventually catching up to Evil-Lyn and her gang. He takes out a few random soldiers before eventually using Gwildor’s grappling hook to snag the Cosmic Key out of their grasp and making a quick getaway. But as he flees the scene, he finds himself heading directly towards another Air Centurion. To elude him, he does a giant loop in the air, where he literally flies upside down for a moment before swooping back down and taking the soldier out with his sword. That’s unspeakably awesome, because to show He-man flying upside down, they just flip a close up shot of him over so that it looks like he’s hanging upside down. The problem is that the hoverboard that he’s riding is just a floating platform. There’s no way that he’s strapped in or stuck to that thing in any way. So apparently he’s able to stay on it while flying upside down through the sheer power of his mullet. And to make it all the scene that much more awesome, when he slashes the Air Centurion with his sword, the guy goddamn explodes. So I guess that was either a robot or that guy had some unfortunately timed explosive diarrhea.

While He-man is off flying around like shithead, the remaining Masters of the Penal Rod stay crouched on the roof of the building, in the mildest of attempts to hide the fact that they’ve couldn’t have picked a place to hide that’s more out in the open. But as they yammer away about the price of tapshoes or some bullshit, Skeletor’s floating platform rises up beside the building to face them. His soldiers spring into action, having them small band disarmed and rounded up just as He-man files onto the scene with all the absolute glory that a cardboard cutout can muster. Courtney tries to warn him that Skeletor has set a trap for him, because Skeletor’s presence along with dozens of troops apparently isn’t quite obvious enough, and ends up getting blasted in the leg by more of Skeletor’s lightning. However, rather than disappearing into nothingness like our old friend Saurod, she simply starts to rot away slowly, like she’s being overrun by space herpes. He-man lands on the roof and takes on soldier after soldier, with his friends trying, and quickly failing, to join the fight until eventually Skeletor simply tells him to cut that shit out. He gives He-man the choice of returning to Eternia with him as his slave and leaving his friends alive here, or staying with them here until they all rot. Surrendering the Sword of Grayskull despite the protests of Teela, He-man pipes up, “Teela, I have no choice. This is our fight. I don’t want innocent people to die”. The line itself isn’t so remarkable as the fact that the way that Dolph spits it out seems completely unnatural, like he’s fighting the English language more than he has to with any other opponent that he’s presented with.

Left to their own devices after the party escorts He-man back through a portal and dissipates into the night, the two and a half remaining heroes of Eternia tell the Kev-tastic one that they must get Courtney back to their world if she’s to survive Skeletor’s herpes, as the Sorceress is the only one that can save her now. But Gwildor rules that out as impossible, saying that during the fight, their Cosmic Key had it’s memory melted, so the tones contained in it were gone. Someone would have to remember the exact tune that was required to get to Eternia, which happens to be the one that played when the shitty laser rock show was going on. Frustrated with the thought of losing the girl that he was going to lose within a matter of hours anyways, Kevin proclaims that there has to be a way to save her. Gwildor says that only a Master Songmaker could pull it off. And wouldn’t you know it, Kevin just happens to be a shitty musician. He starts to hum the tune from memory to the amazement of everyone. At this point, I’d like to point out that it’s unspeakably awesome that a high school student can remember the tones after hearing them three times, yet the guy that engineered the damn thing, purposely based around music, is at a loss. Gwildor declares that he can get them home if only he had three things, two of which the Eternians happen that have on them, with the third being a keyboard. That’s no problem, as Kevin runs to get one from Charlie’s.

As our attention turns to Eternia, Skeletor marches everyone back into the throne room of Castle Grayskull where he gloats for a while before putting the Sword of Grayskull into some kind of electronic sheath. Then wanting to put the final piece of his gay domination in place, he demands that He-man kneel before him, which the blonde badass of course refuses to do. In response, he motions for Blade to pull out a laser whip and commence giving him a digital lashing. Of course the easiest way to create a laser whip is obviously just to animate one, but the glaringly poor animation of the whip coupled with the obviously impossible physics of it in motion make it more obviously animated than if Blade were striking him with Daffy Duck. So this short scene becomes just about one of the biggest dumps in the growing pile of dookie this movie will leave on your chest.

It's like watching Roots, only much more retarded.

God? No. Gaudy? Yes.

To keep the suspense flowing like piss out of an elderly man with an inflamed prostate, the movie switches back on Earth just to show the Kevola Bar arriving with a keyboard just as Gwildor finishes rigging up the Cosmic Key like a goddamn tent for a night of camping, then jumps right back to Castle Grayskull as the time of the fateful moon rise has finally arrived. To commiserate the moment, Skeletor once again gets onto the holographic display and addresses the entire world, demanding that they along with He-man bear witness to his ascent to power. And with that, the moment is upon us. The Great Eye, or the fucking wall behind him to those of us that aren’t retarded, finally opens as the moon reaches its zenith. He stands there in anticipation as two golden balls of energy fall from the sky to circle around Skeletor before finally absorbing into his head and causing him to pulse with golden light. He rambles through a shitty and meaningless speech before finally declaring that he’s a god, errupting in light and transforming from a skeleton in a black robe set into a skeleton in a shitty golden outfit. So that’s how he attained the most ultimate power in the universe? He was just standing in the right spot at the right time? Really? That seems way too simple. He didn’t even have to cast a spell, sacrifice a chicken, or open the Necronomicon. Hell, a janitor could have accidentally wandered up and been given he power while buffing the fucking floor. Anyways, now that Skeletor has achieved godhood, he once again begins to demand that He-man kneel, hitting him with golden beams of energy from his eyes when his demand is once again refused. Wow. Considering that those beams don’t affect He-man any more than the shitty whip did, those are some impressive god powers!

Now that the deadline for stopping Skeletor’s maser plan has officially past and any efforts to stop him should be theoretically futile, our heroes back on Earth they finally begin the process of activating the Key by running power to it while the Kev-aholic begins to tickle the ivories. But just as they get started, Strickland rushes in with his shotgun, having followed Kevin back earlier from his run to Charlie’s for the keyboard. And even though the tune continues to play during this surprise intrusion, Kevin takes his hands off the keyboard to appeal to Strickland to fuck off. So despite all that bullshit about precisely the right tones and such, they end up warping back to Eternia anyways, despite the fact that Kevin had given up playing entirely.

Keep in mind that this whole thing was rigged up from a keyboard and two things that the others had in their pockets.

The scene in Grayskull provides more of the same shit we’ve come to expect, as Skeletor continues to ramble on about God knows what. But as he reaches the middle of nowhere in his speech, the portal suddenly opens in the throne room and the Super Friends, along with Strickland, half a car, and part of a brick wall all suddenly appear. Being once again horribly outnumbered, the heroes immediately take cover and start blasting away at Skeletor’s troops, knowing quite well by this point that nothing that opposes them will pose them any real danger. During the commotion, He-man manages to free himself from his chains by coaxing Skeletor to shoot lightning at him again before raising his arms to absorb the impact with his shackles. And now that he is free to join in, a ridiculous brawl scene transpires. Soldiers are killed left and right without so much as a single casualty among He-man’s gang, until it all culminates into one moment of pure sweetness. He-man takes cover behind a giant statue, much to the chagrin of Skeletor, who hits it with lightning in an attempt to…I don’t know…kill him through the stone, I guess. Seeing his chance for glory, He-man pushes on the massive stone statue while pantomiming in a way that, I swear to God, looks more like he’s taking a dump than almost anyone in the history of cinema who intentionally tried to look like they were taking a dump. Finally the statue falls down on no one at all and essentially accomplishes nothing. Talk about symbolism for the entire movie, but I guess it was supposed to be pretty bad ass.

Seriously, how does it NOT look like he's shitting his loin cloth?

I HAVE THE SAME POWER I HAD AT THE START OF THE MOVIE!

So with the prerequisite bar fight out of the way, it’s time for the mandatory final showdown. He-man swings down from up high to the platform where Skeletor is standing. Despite being pummeled non-stop with a stream of god-powered lightning, he manages to pull his signature Sword of Grayskull from its sheath, which bathes him in light as he finally belts out the signature line, “I HAVE THE POWER!” Or, as Dolph yells it: “Ahhh Maaahhhh Daaahh Pawuhhhh!” And with that cry, the two rivals face off for their duel. As they begin their incredibly short and underwhelming clash, the lights suddenly go out, leaving them to battle alone in the room while a single spot light illuminates them from behind. I’m not sure if this is to make the fight look dramatic or to hide the fact that Dolph and the stuntman playing Skeletor are about as comfortable with their sword and staff respectively as they would be if they were wielding spitting cobras. After this ultimate battle drags on for a whopping 38 seconds (yes, seriously), He-man finally gets the upper hand and with one mighty chop of his sword, he cuts Skeletor’s staff in half. For some reason, this somehow forces the power out of him, causing him to revert back into his old, dark robed self. So I guess the ultimate power of the universe is centralized in a staff. That’s…awesome? Standing over his beleaguered opponent, He-man declares that it’s over. Skeletor agrees, just before pulling a sword out from under his robe and lunging for a quick attack. Completely caught off guard, as he must have thought he had just finished a tickle fight, He-man has the Sword of Grayskull chopped from his hand. It slides to the edge of a pit, where He-man dives and catches it just before it goes over. He turns the immediately and parries Skeletor’s follow up attack, then somehow managing to chop at Skeletor and send him over the edge of the random drop, where he plummets hundreds of feet to his ultimate demise.

With the battle over, the lights suddenly turn back on to reveal that all of Skeletor’s troops are magically gone. Overcome with joy, Man-At-Arms declares victory. Huzzah! With the slightest grin, He-man agrees, showing so much emotion that you’d think that someone just explained to him that he could now have his Subway sandwich toasted. Seriously, I’ve looked happier after walking out of a dentist’s office than that (mostly because I pay for the “happy ending”, if you know what I mean).

The scene transitions to the same throne room a short while later as He-man marches with the freshly healed Courtney and the Kevatron 2.0 to greet The Sorceress and the rest of the group by the throne. They’re surprised to see Strickland there, who has apparently decided to stay now that he’s been issued an official alien prostitute. Yes, he’s staying behind because he now has a castle and a woman. So unless they’re suggesting six months have passed, that’s a hooker. And a castle? Did they hand over the keys to Castle Grayskull to this asshole just for showing up and deciding not to leave? If so, I’m getting me a Casio and a car battery and playing up a storm until a portal opens. But unlike Strickland, Courtney and Kevin have no interest in staying. The Sorceress gives Courtney a broach to remember them by, like this clusterfuck of a night is something they could possibly forget. As they turn to say goodbye to Teela and Man-At-Arms, they explain that they never say goodbye, but instead they say, “good journey”. Sure, why not throw unnecessary local dialect in at this point. Finally He-man and his freshly feathered mullet give Courtney a big hug before Gwildor asks if there’s any time that they’d like to go back, as he can send them back to the Earth at any point in either the past or the future. WHAT?! TIME TRAVEL? Are you fucking kidding me? You throw that in right at the end? If they could go through time at any point, why didn’t they just go back to Eternia to the moments before Skeletor had invaded and stopped the whole thing in the first place? What was the point of all of this bullshit? As I’m busy choking on my own rage, Kevin tells Gwildor that it’s okay, they just want to go home. Gwildor obliges, opening a portal that they begin to walk through. But just as they start to cross the threshold, Courtney gets an idea, turning back to shout for Gwildor to instead send them back to either before her parents died, or before she allowed this half assed pianist to touch her.

Wow. I'm glad they saved all the sexy for the end of the movie.

But before we can tell if Gwildor heard her cry, the transition completes and Courtney finds herself back at home in her own bed. She gets up, showing off what has to be one of the least sexy things a woman could possibly wear to bed next to a goddamn scuba suit, and rushes downstairs to find that Gwildor had heard her after all. Her parents are still alive! She grabs their keys from them and forbids them to take the plane ride that day that was destined to kill them, running out into the street where she finds the Kev-tard running to meet up with her. They both wonder aloud if the whole thing was a dream, just before she pulls out the broach that The Sorceress gave her as proof. They look into it to so that we can get one of the greatest closing shots imaginable, seeing He-man, standing with his sword held aloft in front of the image of Castle Grayskull, once again yelling, “Ahhh Maaahhhh Daaahh Pawuhhhh!” Fuck yeah! Like he said!

That would be the last shot of the movie if you didn’t sit through the credits, which most people wouldn’t because they’ve got far better things to do with their lives than discover who the key goddamn grip was. But if you had the patience to do so, you’d be treated to an outstanding epilogue consisting of Skeletor’s head popping out of a pool of water and yelling, “I’ll be back!” I’m sure at the time they made this film, they were hoping it would be a big enough hit to make a sequel, justifying that comment. But as Killian said to Arnold Shwarzenegger in The Running Man: “Only in a rerun.”

The Verdict:

Donkey:  This is probably as good as He-man is ever going to get, barring a complete reinvention. And who the fuck would look at He-man and even bother trying? But that doesn’t make this film good by a long shot. My biggest complaint is that there’s simply not enough characters, or at least not enough of the original ones. After all, half the fun of the old cartoon and the toy collection was just seeing what kind of crazy motherfuckers the company would dream up. Where’s Man-E-Faces, Fisto, Trap-Jaw, Two-Bad or even Stinkor? And let’s not forget two of my personal favorites, Rokkon and Stonedar, the precursors to the Rocklords (That’s right: the Go-Bots didn’t even think to invent robots that transform into fucking rocks, one of the shittiest toys in the history of man, on their own. They actually thought that was worth ripping off). They were two dudes made out of rock that didn’t so much “transform” into rocks as much as just kind of bend over a practically scream out, “Look kid, I’m a fucking rock. What do you want?”. But instead of those classics, we got Karg, Blade, and Saurod. Who? And why not just have Orko instead of renaming him Gwildor? Throw a scarf and a pointy hat on that midget and it’s the same goddamn character. On the plus side, while I thought Dolph did a mildly passable, if not excessively wooden job at playing He-man, Frank Langella was awesome as Skeletor. It’s an inherently retarded character in the first place, but he brought it to the big screen as well as anyone possibly could. Overall, I give the movie four greasy man in loin cloths out of five inexplicably cackling skeletons.

What We Learned:

Donkey: Godlike powers amount to little more than a new outfit, rather ineffective eye lasers, and an exceptionally flimsy staff, all of which can me defeated by a man with a mullet, a sword, and absolutely no more powers than he presented before you ascended to your diety status. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: one of the worst films that Canadian cinema has to offer, which is really saying something, when we try to sit through…NIGHTBREED.

Back To The Main Page.

I'm here to make sure all your clocks are synchronized.

Donkey: If there’s one premise that will almost assuredly mean that a movie that you’re about to watch is about to be complete bullshit, it’s the subject of time travel. The method, governing rules, and possible results of time travel vary greatly from movie to movie, and no franchise handles it with less care than the Star Trek series. One moment they treat it like it’s a monumental task that can only be achieved by slingshotting yourself around the sun with a couple of whales, and then in the next moment treat it it’s a goddamn footnote to preventing the Borg from invading the Earth, less remarkable than Data getting a robo-boner. But they are far from alone, as this has been a popular subject amongst science fiction movies for as long as they have existed. The problem is that most of them assume that your knowledge of physics and the theory of time travel is strong enough only to realize that if you stuff Cheetos in your face, they will eventually make their triumphant return in your toilet a few hours later. So if I’m going to be patronized, I want to be patronized by a man doing the splits.

The Plot:

Donkey: Despite what the title would lead you to believe, Timecop is actually the story of Van Damme as he struggles to run a small haberdashery in the heart of eighteenth century London. With the pressure of rising textile costs and the overwhelming expectations of an overbearing father, Van Damme silently struggles through his inner turmoil while trying to gain the favor of his landlord’s comely daughter.

Seriously, wouldn’t it be awesome if that were the case?

Actually, Timecop is exactly what you’d expect it to be. In the far distant future, all the way in the year 1994, time travel has been perfected, provided that you consider throwing yourself at a wall and hoping that you don’t die perfection. As a result, the US government creates a secret organization dedicated to patrolling time and making sure that no one attempts to alter it for their own gain. But when JCVD, their star agent, discovers that the politician responsible for overseeing the department has been corrupted, he must find a way to stop the Senator’s exceptionally modestly evil ambitions.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Part I: Gentlemen, Find Me The Greatest Ballerina In All The Land

I've come back to ask y'all for your gold and your flossing techniques.

Donkey: Our feature starts as all tales worth telling happen to, in Gainesville, Georgia circa 1863. A small band of Confederate troops wanders down a lonely road in the pouring rain, having taken some time away from subjugating black people and planning weddings between cousins to transport a cache of the much famed Confederate gold. But their journey comes to an end moments later when they approach a lone figure standing in the middle of the road, blocking their path. Since we never learn his name, we’ll simply call him the Gummy Avenger. As they politely ask him to move, the Gummy Avenger counters their offer by suggesting that they hand over all their gold to him, all the while grinning like he just ripped a Taco Grande fart. That grin is especially noteworthy and his name becomes immediately appropriate when you realize that this man ironically has fewer teeth than the Confederate soldiers that he’s robbing. Having our pal Gummy quite outnumbered, the soldiers naturally laugh at his request, chuckling all the way to the grave as GA pulls out two fully automatic weapons and shoots them dead, a feat of marksmanship that is quite impressive when all their horses trot away quite alive without their mounts moments later, even though he was spraying bullets with less accuracy than a John Holmes money shot.

Now what do I have to do to put you folks in this Sunfire today?

With the threat of toothless men traveling back in time to steal a form of currency that’s all but theoretically useless to most of the world’s populace from other men whom are miraculously free of dental diseases having been established, the question now turns to whether or not the rest of the world will ever be able to sleep another night without falling into the depths of an oral hygienic nightmare. If you’re anything like me, then pondering this inevitably brings you to the answer, “shit no”. And as luck would have it, we’re not the only ones. We shift forward in time to the modern day, presuming that the modern day is somewhere in 1994, to see the repercussions of this interference with the space time continuum. A meeting of the Senate Oversight Committee for Covert Operations is called, where a group of politicians are presented with the news that time travel has been perfected. After an exceptionally elementary speech on how changing events in the past can cause ripples that will make drastic changes to the future, perhaps even going so far as to destroy mankind, the bureaucrats argue that it must be protected. To hammer home their point, they use the example of our friend, the toothless gold miner, to warn that they have already encounters dangers, having stopped an arms deal in Germany involving Middle Eastern terrorists that was being financed using the stolen confederate gold. The Senators listening to this pitch seem convinced, and the agency known as the Time Enforcement Commission is born. Ron Silver, playing Senator McComb, volunteers to chair the committee while looking on with the kind of moderately evil expression that could either mean that he will go on to be the film’s main antagonist or that he’s about to try to sell us a used Pontiac.

The face of disappointment.

And now that we’ve established the institution of the Timecops, it’s time to introduce the man who will lead them to glory. The movie cuts to a mall where Ferris Bueller’s girlfriend, Mia Sara, is approached from behind by a strange man with a thick Belgian accent. Hoping to turn around and discover a vision of rugged masculinity who will teach her the sensual French arts that unlock the doors to Flavor Country, she instead finds JCVD. Damn. I was kind of hoping it was going to be Cameron Fry. Once they’re finished playing the classic ‘let’s try to revitalize our failing sex life by pretending you’re a whore’ game, Van Damme explains that he has just come from a meeting with Matuzak, the head of the TEC. But before he can share the outcome of that meeting, danger rears its ugly and horribly stereotypical head. A dude on rollerblades, whom should be put to death for rollerblading through a fucking mall in the first place, snatches the purse of an elderly woman and tries to make a break for it. Unfortunately for him, the world’s deadliest ballerina is on the case! As he tries to make his obnoxious getaway, he comes face to face with the surprisingly small boot of justice. But rather than making the punk swallow his own teeth, Van Damme instead simply kicks his foot up to the punk’s face level and intimidates him into submission by asking him to read the logo on the sole of his boot. Rather than just turning and going to other goddamn way, this actually scares the failed thief into surrendering the bag back to the old lady and sulking away in shame.

Hey buddy, can you check to see if I stepped in dog shit?

There is no time in the history of man that this hair style wasn't considered retarded.

As he admires his own handiwork, JCVD looks up to a railing above him to see two random dudes with bad hair staring at him. With coifs like that, you know that they must mean business. Clown business, but business nonetheless. But being a man who laughs in the face of danger as readily as he will in the face of quality scripts, Van Damme looks back a second later only to discover that they’re gone. But rather than wonder who the fuck gets a haircut like that on purpose, he instead goes back home with his wife to make with the sexy time. If there’s a better way to end a scene than showing me Jean Claude’s ass, I don’t know what it is.

As they lay around at the end of what was likely a four hour tour of sexual delights that no mere mortal man could possibly Shirpa a woman through, JCVD gets a call from work asking him to come in immediately. Mia begs him not to answer it, but his sense of duty provides a convenient excuse to get the hell out of the non-splits involving cuddling that was sure to soon follow. As he leaves through the front door of a house big enough that no fucking cop could possibly afford it, he’s attacked by the two dudes with the Flowbee haircuts that he saw earlier at the mall, while others drag his wife upstairs and try to finish the job that Van Damme couldn’t. Once they slap him around to their satisfaction, the cyberpunks finally shoot Van Damme twice in the chest at point blank range and walk away. Naturally JCVD reveals that he was wearing a bulletproof vest a moment later, as he gets up to see his wife screaming in their bedroom window. But just as he tries to rush back into the house, the entire house explodes in a way that could only actually happen if the entire goddamn foundation that it was built on happened to consist of dynamite. We’re not really sure why, but I suspect that after having experienced dozens of orgasms at the hands of Van Damme, his wife had been brought to the very precipice of pleasures that no one was meant to achieve, and when someone tried to touch her again, her vagina simply exploded. But hey, it’s just a theory.

I wonder if I left the stove on...YAARRRGGGHHHH!!!

Part II: Dr Splitslove or How I Learned To Stop Worrying About My Dead Wife And Love My Mullet

I can't wait for the future when we replace our iPods with...what the fuck is that?

With that random act of unmotivated violence complete, it’s time once again travel into the past. In this case find ourselves arriving on the magical day of October 30th, 1929. A man named Lyle Atwood walks into an office on Wall Street, pulls out a newspaper from the distant year of 2004, and proves it to be entirely useless by laying out his plan to invest solely in oil companies. Did you really have to bring stock quotes back from the future with you if you were going to only pick one product? Couldn’t you just write a note on your hand that says, “Remember: invest in oil, pick up cat food”? To really get himself in the mood to do some evil investing, he pulls out what appears to be some kind of Future Walkman that plays an audio format that I’ve never fucking seen before to listen to some future music. I know how he feels. Not even planning my future wealth can suppress my need to RAWK! But just as he gets comfy, Van Damme steps through a time portal in the middle of the room. But this isn’t the cock-eyed young dancer Van Damme that we’ve seen up to this point. This is a grizzled, battle-hardened, mini-mullet sporting Timecop of the future. They greet each other knowingly and establish that they are ex-partners at the TEC. Van Damme starts to calmly gather up all the future stuff sitting around in the room while Lyle tries to justify his actions, saying that he won’t change anything but his own bank account. And as he talks, Lyle hits an alarm under his desk that summons two hilariously unoriginal 1920′s strong men who apparently skipped out of their fighting classes to concentrate on mustache waxing techniques. Van Damme naturally destroys them both, knocking the first one out rather easily before taking on the second one using a deadly combination of wall-running and completely unnecessary splits. Still not willing to give up, Lyle pulls out a Future Gun and proceeds to shoot the whole fucking office up, sending his coworkers away screaming. You know, for a guy trying to stop Lyle from changing the past, Van Damme’s doing a shitty job of it. Once he runs out of ammo and resigns himself to the fact that there is no man alive who can stop the Muscles from Brussels, Lyle reveals that he was sent back by Senator McComb who’s gathering money to fund his campaign for President. Van Damme doesn’t believe him at first, because apparently a crooked US Senator is a totally unbelievably premise, and tells him that Lyle that he has no choice. After saying that he doesn’t either, Lyle takes off and jumps out of a window. Still not willing to give up even in the face of the formidable duo of opponents that are gravity and really fucking hard pavement, Van Damme doesn’t hesitate to follow him out the window. As the two of them hurdle towards the ground together, JCVD grabs Lyle and hits a button on his belt that conveniently opens up a time portal right in front of them, taking them back to the future. The day has been saved! Hurray! Oh, except if you consider the crowd of people who watched you open a goddamn time portal, which should definitely change something about the future that they’re returning to. In that case you might want to wait before putting that trophy on your mantle.

Van Damme faces his most terrifying opponent yet: my elementary school vice principal.