The kid on the poster isn't the actual kid in the movie and there isn't a single creature that looks like that anywhere to be found. But they're not kidding when they say that this will haunt you forever. So I guess one out of three ain't bad.

Donkey: I’m sure you’re like me (and reading this back to myself, I realize that I’m TOTALLY like me…how did I know? That’s fucking brilliant) in that when I think of particular movies, music, or games, I often associate them with certain events that were taking place at the time when I first experienced them. That’s the power of a first impression, and that shit can stay with you forever. So when I first heard about this week’s film and it’s staggering stature among those who have made it a cult classic, I was intrigued yet apprehensive. You see, I had seen the first movie, Troll, years earlier at a time that I’ll never forget. My family was visiting relatives when our parents all decided to go out for dinner and leave me and my brothers to spend the night with our cousins under the supervision of our oldest cousin. And to keep us from lighting ourselves on fire in an attempt to stave off oppressing boredom, they had rented two movies for us to watch. Those two movie were, and keep in mind that I was about ten at the time, Youngblood and Troll. For those of you that haven’t seen them, Youngblood is a hockey movie that’s about as close to real hockey as an episode of Three’s Company, and Troll is a horror movie that’s about as enjoyable to endure as lung cancer. I remember very clearly watching those movies and ending the night with the one clear thought: “Who the fuck picked these goddamn movies?” Of course, much later I realized that particular cousin who was watching over us and had chosen the movies was nuttier than a goddamn O Henry bar, so it made a lot more sense. But for years thereafter, all I could remember was how much I hated those movies almost as much as the entire night on which I watched them. So when it came to watching Troll II for the first time, there was an inherent amount of pain involved before we even pressed play. As it turns out, my fears were unfounded, as Troll II does it’s best to make sure that I can’t even remember the first one existed. God bless you, Troll II. You sure can ease the pain.

The Plot:

Donkey: It’s a special kind of sequel that makes no attempt to be even remotely related to the original, but Troll II takes that kind of brave stupidity one step further. Not only is it not related to the first movie in any conceivable manner, but it’s not even related to its own goddamn title. That’s right; there’s not a single fucking troll in the entire movie. Not one. Hell, the word troll isn’t even so much as uttered by accident, even to describe a really boring method of fishing. Instead the movie is about goblins, and while my inner geek might be showing a little too much here, anyone who’s ever read any fantasy can tell you that a troll and a goblin are not the same damn thing. I can only guess that at this rate the third film would be about a young boy’s battle against the local city council to get the proper permits to rezone his parent’s property title to allow them to subdivide…and that planning committee is made up of blood-thirsty ogres!

So what is this crusty bowl of ballsauce actually about, you ask? Well shut the hell up for a minute and I’ll tell you. It’s the tale of a young boy named Joshua and his average nuclear family vacationing in the fictional town of Nilbog, longing for the peaceful and highly inbred lifestyle that you can only find in a populace the size of a professional football team. But their dreams come to an end when Joshua is warned by the ghost of Grandpa Seth, with whom he communes on a regular basis, that trouble is afoot and that they’re walking into a deadly trap.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Exhibit A: Grandpa Appears In My Room At Night To Tell Me About Monsters…And Touch My Bathing Suit Area

There's something dense about this scene alright, but it ain't the fog.

Donkey: Not bothering to fuck around with pomp, circumstance, or even proper editing, Troll II starts immediately with its first scene and corresponding dialogue literally no more than a second after the roar of the MGM logo, almost tricking you into thinking that you’ve missed a chunk of the movie already. Fear not, as it wouldn’t matter even if you did. The tale opens with an old man named Grandpa Seth telling a bedtime story to his grandson, Joshua. The old timer’s fable is about Peter, a courageous boy of what appears to be about 32, who becomes lost while traveling through the forest due to a dense fog, so thick that it you can barely see it seeing as its undoubtedly made by five crew members blowing cigarette smoke into frame on an otherwise bright, sunny day. Lost and alone, Peter is followed by midgets in burlap sacks and shitty masks that the movie has the audacity to call goblins, until he randomly falls and is knocked out cold. When he awakens some time later, he finds himself faced with a beautiful woman with horribly fake freckles who offers him a shitty green mix of Cool Whip and Jell-O. Once he begins sucking it down without question, he starts to sweat green Kool-Aid or what they call chlorophyll, before turning into a half man and half plant so that the goblins can eat him. The end! Goddamn that’s a great story. And while Joshua tries to digest the unbridled worthlessness of this parable, Grandpa Seth finally gets to the fucking point and explains that goblins are real. This would probably be a more ominous revelation if the goblins didn’t look like complete ass. You might as well have made them out of sock puppets and then hit me with the news that the sock puppets are real. Seriously, how scary can midgets in potato sacks be? But just in case the level of idiocy dropped on us so far wasn’t enough, right about then Josh’s mother steps into his bedroom and asks why he’s still awake. He begins to say that Grandpa Seth was telling him a story when he suddenly slaps a hand over his mouth and we realize that Grandpa Seth was never really there at all. You see, it turns out that Grandpa Seth has been dead for six months despite the fact that Joshua still talks to him on a regular basis.

Before you get to sleep, son, let me ask you something: have I ever told you about that time I killed a drifter and wore him as a jacket?

Why do you keep calling me Hayden Fox?

After settling Josh down for the night, the mother enters the living room where the father is talking about their vacation plans with some unknown dude on the phone. To get back to their settler roots, the family is planning to go to Nilbog, a town with a population of 26, after swapping houses with a local family. But once that riveting conversation ends, the mother turns to the father in all seriousness and asks him who the goblins are. He seems as confused as I am as to why the hell she’d ask him that question, since he hadn’t said a goddamn thing about goblins, but the scene ends before he can ask her what the fuck is wrong with her. I realize this is a very bad attempt to build tension, but it would have made no less sense for her to ask him who framed Roger Rabbit.

I can relate to this. When I'm exercising in the privacy of my bedroom, not only do I wear an outfit that barely contains my balls, but I also wear a weight lifting belt when lifting 15 lbs.

While the parents wrestle with their own idiocy, things prove to be equally mindless back upstairs. After accidentally going to the wrong window and scaring the hell out of Josh, a teenaged boy sneaks into his sister Holly’s room to surprise her while she’s power-lifting in an outfit that’s slowly losing the battle to cover her vagina. Started by the incredibly homely visage of her boyfriend, Elliot, Holly hits the dude square in the nuts, to which he asks if she’s trying to make him a homo. Apparently that’s how they thought people ended up gay in the late 80’s. As he slowly recovers from barely dodging a new love of manchowder, they begin to argue about how much time Elliot spends with his friends, just as his pals conveniently climb up to her window themselves to say hi. At least I think they’re three friends of his. But considering how stupid the idea of three dudes managing to climb up a single ladder at the same time is, it might be that Elliot is friends with a pimply, awkward virgin Hydra. To try to prove to Holly that she’s the only honeypot that he wants to teabag, Elliot offers to come with her and her family on vacation. Of course, he then completely cripples his own point by asking if he could bring his friends, to which she says that he is welcome to join her family in the morning, but if his friends come, she never wants to see him again. I haven’t seen teenage drama this intense since Archie blew off Betty and Veronica to give Jughead a tugjob while he sucked back a dozen hamburgers.

Exhibit B: Fuck Disneyland, Let’s Spend Our Vacation In The Abyss

To once again prove that this movie was edited by a gerbil treating its Attention Deficit Disorder with a cocaine addiction, the movie then suddenly cuts directly to the family van the next day as Holly, Josh, and the parents are driving to Nilbog. Holly’s horrible attempt at crying leads us to believe that Elliot didn’t show up, and this is confirmed a moment later when she and the father begin to argue about how useless he is. To break the tension, the mother demands that Josh must sing that song she likes. After first refusing, he finally begins the mysterious song that she loves so much, treating us to a few bars of…Row Row Row Your Boat. Wow. I guess they’re saving Happy Birthday To You for when they want to kick this party into overdrive. But just when you think things can’t get any worse, they all start singing at once. I’d describe their feeble wailing as being in harmony, but I’m pretty sure the English language would be able to charge me with sexual assault if I did. The scene cuts away from their chorus of insanity to reveal that Elliot and his three friends are trying to catch up in an RV before once again returning to Josh, as he has a nightmare about spouting chlorophyll and turning into a plant as his family are revealed to be goblins. Once he wakes up out of that, the nightmare continues in the real world as the family passes a hitchhiker holding a sign that says “STOP THEM!” Recognizing the mysterious stranger to be Grandpa Seth, Josh convinces his father to stop the van, saying that he’s gotta puke. As soon as they’re stopped, he runs over to get a stern warning from Seth that they’re heading into danger. But before he can provide information that would be in any way useful, the family backs up the van to see what the hell this idiot kid is doing, breaking the spell and allowing Josh to see that he’s actually bantering back and forth with a drifter.

I had a Superman Halloween costume with a plastic mask that was scarier than this.

The family’s journey continues and as they get closer to their destination, the tide of stupidity does little to recede. They pass by Elliot and his friends, who have somehow managed to make it past them and park their RV about fifty feet down an embankment off the side of the road, before finally driving into the vibrant community of Nilbog. Immediately Holly notices that there isn’t a soul to be seen anywhere, but the father assures her that this is normal for a farming community, as everyone is home in bed by this time of night – “This time of night” quite obviously being about 2 PM. They carry on and moments later finally arrive at the house, where the exchange family stands out front waiting for them. They all gather to stand face to face, sizing up the others like they’re about to have a Deathmatch Tug-o-war battle when Josh notices that they all have a scar on them. It’s obviously supposed to be similar, but the only thing that each one has in common is looking like shit. Having little to say, the host family loads into their truck to leave, ignoring Josh’s father as he gives them a sales pitch so awkward that you’d think he was selling harvested baby organs while assuring them that they’ll love his house. But as one last kick in the balls, as the family begins to drive away, the youngest member throws Josh a ball from the back of the truck. Josh catches it and turns it over, revealing green writing that says “eat before we eat you”. Now that makes fucking sense. If I were going to set an elaborate trap to lure in an unsuspecting family into becoming the primary ingredient of my Asshole Casserole, I’d toss out ominous clues that are as subtle as a punch in the babymaker.

Feel free to watch our tv and eat our food, but stay out of our Chinese Fuck Swing!

Now that they’re alone, the Swiss Family Taintstains start to make themselves at home when they discover that a shitty meal has been prepared and left for them. They jump right on it, sitting down to eat so quickly that you’d think they’ve spent the last month fasting, not even bothering to note the fact that every food item, including the drink left for them, is an obnoxious green color. Just then Grandpa Seth appears at nearby window, beckoning Josh over and warning him to stop them from eating anything or they’ll all be killed. So while the family takes an extremely long time to pass the food around without actually eating any, Josh struggles to come up with a plan. To help make things a little easier, Grandpa Seth uses some random power that every ghost apparently has to freeze them all for 30 seconds, with food literally inches from their mouths. At this point I’d like to note that they didn’t have the budget or filming skills to actually freeze the shot of the family while Josh walks around in front of it, so instead the actors do their best to just sit still, failing to do so just enough to make it painfully obvious that no one is actually frozen. After plugging away at his tiny brain while circling them like a vulture, Josh finally comes up with a master plan, climbs up on the table, and pisses on all the food as they snap out of their coma. Of course, I understand how that ruined the food on the table, but I’m not really sure how that managed to stop them from stuffing the food that was less than an inch from their mouths down their throats.

If he had more than 30 seconds to work with, it wouldn't be Josh's piss that was soaking into the food...

You don't piss on hospitality! Generosity, sure, but not hospitality!

With the meal ruined, the father takes Josh upstairs and has delivers an awesome speech, giving a meandering, aimless rant before saying something about a hunger strike. The best line in the whole affair is when he proclaims, “You can’t piss on hospitality…I won’t allow it!” That shit is classic. Left in the bedroom to think about what he’s done or at the very least to ponder why the hell he’d bother saving this gaggle of ass excavators, Josh looks around at the walls to find illustrated pictures of goblins hung everywhere. Again, why the fuck you’d plan an elaborate trap and then put out obvious warnings, I have no idea. Unless that’s goblin porn that the youngest one is spanking it to at night, in which case it makes total sense.

Exhibit C: Buffet Of The Damned

Ouch! This almost broke skin, you sons of bitches!

The movie turns back to the trailer of douches, where Elliot and his three friends are watching a movie that looks so shitty that I MUST know what it is. One of the friends named Arnold decides that he’s had enough and leaves the other three there, going outside the trailer for a cigarette. While I’m sure this is supposed to make him look more mature and badass, when it’s coupled with his “1987 Chess Team Champion” appearance, it actually manages to make him look even fruitier. But in no time at all, he sees a girl in ripped up clothes running through the forest a short distance away, clearly fleeing from danger. Instead of getting help from his other friends, Arnold tears off in pursuit and eventually tackles her. As she explains that she’s been forced to eat something and thinks she’s dying, a group of goblins appears from out of nowhere and approaches them. Not thinking this is bizarre in the slightest, Arnold walks over to them and casually explains that they’ll be in for a world of hurt if they don’t leave. As he walks back to the girl to strut around in his awesomeness, the goblins give him their response in the form of a spear thrown at him, lodging a whole inch into his shoulder. The boys back in the trailer hear his scream, but dismiss it as Arnold getting laid. The only way that’s a fair assumption is if Arnold has a reputation for running into the woods and screaming at the top of his lungs while fucking a pine tree. Otherwise, that’s goddamn retarded.

Back outside, the girl helps Arnold pull the spear out of his shoulder before they wander off deeper into the forest, again because this is a much better fucking idea than going back to the RV and getting the fuck out of there. Moments later they come across a church in the middle of nowhere, entering it to find a bed, a weird alter, and apparently a smoke machine inside. It turns out to be the lair of Creedence Leonore Gielgud, the greatest overactor in the history of cinema and leader of the goblins, who uses a slab of Stonehenge to control the army. Yep, you heard that correctly; Stonehenge. I can’t wait for Spinal Tap and the dancing midgets to show up. Creedence, whom we’ll call CCR out of sheer laziness, welcomes them to her church of, oh let’s say Scientology and offers them a broth to heal their wounds, which consists mostly of dry ice apparently. After they have both sipped the green Kool-Aid, the girl wanders upstairs to a balcony, screaming in agony while Arnold stays below, frozen and watching on. Succumbing to the potion, the girl lies down on the floor and has her entire torso turn into a green slimy cake-like substance. With her transformation now complete, a slew of goblins suddenly appears and begins to feast on her. Well, I think that’s what they’re supposed to be doing. They’re actually just dipping their hands into green slop and smearing it around their unmoving mouths, but who’s keeping score? While watching in what one would assume is supposed to be horror instead of complete boredom, Arnold takes a rather unremarkable line and delivers it at a level of awesomeness that simply cannot be described:

On second thought, those acting lessons might have been a good investment.

Arnold: “They’re eating her. Then they’re going to eat me. Oh my Gooooooddddd!”

Seriously, look that shit up on YouTube and watch it. It shouldn’t be hard to find as it is probably the most referenced line in the movie, but it will take years off your life.

Turning away from that act of unspeakable and apparently unactable horror, we check back in with the family that evening to find Holly in a Garfield nightshirt, performing a fucking ridiculous dance routine in her room to techno music that is about nine intellectual notches beneath a tune that you could produce with a Seiko calculator watch. Unfortunately she gives up shortly, instead entertaining herself by pretending to give Elliot a lecture while staring into her mirror. But just then Grandpa Seth shows up in her mirror, calling for Joshua in a sad attempt to cover for the fact that he was watching in the hopes that she’d take her shirt off. Hearing her scream, the whole family runs up and to investigate. Finding nothing of course, Josh offers to swap rooms with Holly, which she gladly accepts. Once they’re all gone, Josh summons Grandpa Seth in the mirror again, who again warns Joshua that they must leave, revealing that this is the kingdom of the goblins. Yeah, we got that already, asshole. So what’s the point of this scene them, you ask? If you could see that fucking dancing, you’d know. Oh, you’d know.

I'm Batman.

Come on, boy...those short shorts are just begging for it.

With one friend down for the count already, it’s time to pick off the next pawn. So the next day we return to the RV and focus on another one of Elliot’s friends named Drew. He looks in their fridge only to discover that even though the four of them had piled into an RV for a vacation, not one of them was smart enough to bring a single thing to eat or drink. Apparently they were under the impression that their madd skillz with the ladies would allow them to sustain themselves entirely on overflowing buckets of vagina. After being dismissed by a groggy Elliot who’s busy dispelling Holly’s suspicions of his homosexuality by doing some naked spooning with Brent, the fourth friend, Drew decides to literally run into town to pick up some supplies after stopping momentarily to do some light stretching and calisthenics. But his journey isn’t too long, as moments later he gets picked up by the local sheriff, a man named, no shit, Gene Freak. Sheriff Freak offers him a lift into town as well as a bright green fucking Play-Do sandwich, both of which Drew happily accepts without question. After being dropped off at the general store, Drew finds himself faced with a group of hayseeds standing out front, forming a silent gauntlet of inbreeding for him to slink his nervous virgin asshole through. Once he makes it through and enters the store, already sweating the telltale green Kool-Aid of ridiculous doom, he is greeted by the remarkably child molester looking clerk who talks him into accepting a free bottle of Nilbog milk. The clerk begs him to make sure that both he and his friends drink it, in no way confirming that he’s a fucking rapist. With the roofies slowly kicking in, Drew wanders back out of the store and back through the gauntlet elementary school drop outs, who tell him that Arnold left a message for him, asking to meet Drew at the old church. Maybe it’s just me, or maybe the 80’s were a very different time, but if I wanted to get important information to my pal, I wouldn’t assign the biggest group of menacing cornholers the task of spitting a chewing tobacco covered message at him. I might just sashay my ass back to the RV instead, but again, that’s just me.

$50 says that no matter what he's dreaming, it's more coherent than this movie.

But Drew isn’t the only person to visit the thriving metropolis of Nilbog that day. That morning back at the house of shame, the parents discover that they too have nothing to eat or drink, save the several jugs of Nilbog milk sitting in the fridge. However, I’d just like to point out that if you’re going to leave a trap consisting of bottles of milk, hoping that they’ll chug it a succumb to your poison, the milk probably shouldn’t be so thick that it could be mistaken for horse semen. Because apart from possibly the father, I don’t know who the hell would drink that. Eager to prove their meager worth, Josh and the father declare that they’ll make the trek into town for sustenance. They soon arrive at the same corner store, but rather than being greeted by a gauntlet of phonics assassins, they find only a sign saying that the shop is “closed for 20 minutes, back after the sermon is done”. As the father extols the virtue of patience, Josh goes to the sideview mirror on their car and tries to summon Grandpa Seth, only to see a sign in the reflection and realize that “Nilbog” is “Goblin” spelled backwards! How kind-of-not-really clever! He turns back to share this revelation with his father, only to see that he’s completely passed out on a chair by the front door of the corner store. That’s goddamn ridiculous. Narcoleptics don’t slip into an REM state that goddamn quickly. Deciding to take matter into his own hands, Josh rolls off on a $15 skateboard from K-Mart circa 1988.

Someone please explain why the metamorphosis to a plant forces you to hold a fucking mug.

While our hero in Hush Puppies undoubtedly rolls off to get himself killed, we’ll take a quick moment to check in with the other fodder. Back in the church of Scientology, we finally see what became of Arnold as he stands in a pot, slowing growing into a plant while being watered by CCR. The best part of this idiocy is that not only is he a plant himself, but for some reason that I can’t possibly fathom, he’s holding a coffee cup which also has a plant growing out of it. Having learned of the new family in town, CCR decides to take her leave then to deliver a welcome pudding, setting up what has to be one of the most pointless scenes in the movie. She delivers it to the house, introducing herself to the mother just as is Holly is about to head down to the RV to tell Elliot to choose between her or his friends. She drops off the pudding, which is neither eaten nor dismissed as a threat, and then leaves, having learned NOTHING more than she had before she got there. But hey, at least that ate a good ten minutes of film time. Back at the church, Drew wanders in and eventually discovers Arnold’s predicament. He tries to drag his plant pal to freedom by the pot, escaping at glacier like speed. But before he can make it out the door, CCR returns and slaps Drew clear across the room and onto the bed. As punishment for trying to leave, she takes a chainsaw to Arnold, who simply giggles while she does it. Goddamn…I want 30 minutes of my life back.

Let's make this quick. I've got a duet with Barbara Steisand to get to.

With that distraction finished, we return to Josh as he sneaks into a building to find the townspeople listening to a sermon being belted out by a preacher that looks like the bastard lovechild of Barry Gibb and Rowdy Roddy Piper. And because you know how much kids love religion, Josh decides to sneak upstairs and get a closer look, peering down through a hole in the ceiling, about two feet directly above the preacher’s head as the fifth Bee Gee is giving a sermon on the evil meats that people consume, which consists of him naming off a bunch of random foods. Just then Josh’s skateboard falls down from the precarious perch that he left it on. As Josh looks up in surprise, a hand shoots up through the hole in the ceiling and grabs him by the face. He screams, but you can barely hear it above the roar of our laughter. With his cover blown, Josh is taken down to face the mob, who decides that the best course of action is to force-feed him what they call Nilbog ice cream, but what I can Dogsnot Soufflé. But before the goblins can stuff anything into his piehole, Josh’s father, whom has apparently woken up from his little siesta, hears Josh screaming and runs in to interrupt the assault of stupidity. After a couple of tense moments where the father wonders what the hell they were doing while Josh tries to explain to him that these people are actually goblins in disguise, Josh and his father slowly back out of the building like they’re trying not to get mauled by bears. But just to end an idiotic scene with the used diaper smell of the arbitrary, the father and Josh begin driving back to the house and pass by the RV, which for some reason is now about 200 yards down off the road, where they spot Holly arguing with Elliot. The father pulls down and demands that Holly come home. To try to salvage the one opportunity that he might have to get laid that doesn’t involve making the decision to spit or swallow, Elliot decides to join them, leaving behind Brent, the last friend.

It would have been much worse if that hand wasn't Palmolive soft.

Exhibit D: It’s Time To Party Like It’s 1988…And We Just Had Full Frontal Lobotomies

They all arrive back at the house moments later to find the mother is in the company of the entire fucking town. Seriously, how the fuck did all these people manage to make it back to the house before the family did? I realize that the RV has been steadily moving further and further from the road, but unless they had to enter some kind of fucking temporal nexus to get to it, this is preposterous. Regardless, the entire town has decided to throw a surprise welcome party, of course bringing a ton of green fucking food and drinks. The fifth Bee Gee is even there, desperately trying to convince them all to eat the food. But Joshua isn’t falling for anything and tries to warn his family that once they eat, they’ll all be killed horribly and hilariously. His warnings fall on deaf ears, however, as his father sends him straight to his room. Still not ready to let them be killed, no matter how much they all deserve it by now, Josh starts yelling into his mirror, begging for Grandpa Seth’s help. But instead of his face, CCR appears in the mirror for a quick moment before crashing through the glass in goblin form. Umm…okay. But just as that goblin is about to attack Josh, Grandpa Seth appears and chops one of its hands off with his Ghost Hatchet of Justice. Shrieking, the goblin flails itself back into the broken mirror, reforming it and coming out the other side, where CCR lands back in her home with a bloody stump where her hand should be. But this is nothing more than a temporary setback, as she shoves the stump into a fissure of the Stonehenge slab and repairs her hand, screaming the entire time.

Seriously, kid, fuck them all. You set the house on fire, I'll make sure that car doesn't catch fire.

Now that they’re alone, Grandpa Seth grins like an idiot for several awkward seconds before revealing to Josh his plan to save the family, which he doesn’t so much describe as simply suggest by pulling out a Molotov cocktail and a fire extinguisher. But just as the two of them go the house and try to ignite their plan, so to speak, the fifth Bee Gee snatches the Molotov cocktail away and banishes Grandpa Seth back to the netherworld using the power of Jesus. But before Seth goes, he throws his hand forward in desperation, the horrible animation of a lightning bolt flashes on screen, and the preacher suddenly erupts in flames. As he stumbles around, fully engulfed in flames and screaming in a horribly dubbed audio track that sounds like someone recorded a PA in the toilet at the tail end of Enchilada Night, Joshua looks around and confirms that Grandpa Seth is gone. I’m just kidding, by the way. There’s no way this movie had PA’s.

Hearing the explosive commotion, which I’m imaging would sound an awful lot like You Should Be Dancing, everyone begins to pile out of the house. The father uses the fire extinguisher to put out what is now the flaming corpse of the fifth Bee Gee, revealing him in his true goblin form. I guess he’s not… Stayin’ Alive. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!… ha… ha… cough… right, well this is about when the father demands to know what the hell’s going on. But rather than try to explain anything away or cover their tracks, the villagers instead all get pissed about the death of Barry Gibb’s bastard offspring, declaring it’s now the family’s turn to die. And they back up this incredibly ominous threat by standing perfectly still and doing fucking NOTHING while the family just slowly walks backwards through them all and finally running into the house. Sure, why not?

Once inside, the family presses their faces against the windows like autistic blowfish while the villagers turn on the headlights of their car, as I guess it’s fucking nighttime now for some reason. Sheriff Freak proclaims that they’ve got a bag of sandwiches there that will make things easier on the whole family, throwing the fucking bag at the front door of the house with all the grace of a blind gorilla having a fucking seizure. He explains that if they don’t eat the tasty sandwiches, the villagers will have no choice but to kill them violently. Say what you will, it’s pretty neighborly of them to have made sandwiches at this point, rather than just forcing them to eat fistfuls of green slop. Desperate to find a way out, the family finally decides that the best thing to do would be to hold a séance to summon Grandpa Seth.

Exhibit E: This Final Battle’s Not Bad, But It Could Use More Popcorn Fucking

While all this is going on, the movie stops to remind us that there is one last friend of Elliot’s that we have not seen meet with a grizzly demise. So with that in mind, CCR makes her bold and confusing final move, praying to Xenu for all her power, which basically just cures her of the scorching case of mouth herpes that she had been crippled with. Ready to infect an unsuspecting teenager, she travels into the night in search of some premature ejaculation. Meanwhile back in the RV, Brent is watching TV and likely wondering where the fuck everyone is when the TV starts to fuck up. It begins to clear up seconds later, showing him an image of CCR as she approaches the RV with…a cob of corn. She tells him to come outside and see that she’s real, so he does. Finding her exactly where she should be, he takes her back inside where she offers him the corn by shoving it in his face as they sink down into the makeshift bed. He nods, saying that he likes popcorn. She says that’s no problem, they just have to heat it up. And with that, they start to make out with the cob of corn between their mouths. And while this shit goes down, the sound of popcorn popping is heard while crew members throw handfuls of popcorn at them from out of frame. I don’t even know what to say about this. It confuses me on a logical and sexual level to a point that I can’t possibly describe it. Fuck, I need to take a shower.

Oh baby...my dick feels like corn.

Back at the house, they family is performing the séance while the goblins quite literally just stand around outside doing nothing. But calling forth the dead when you don’t really have any experience or direction how to do it isn’t as easy as you might think, so things aren’t exactly progressing as quickly as planned. To help everyone along, Joshua tells the family to “concentrate harder”. Concentrate on what, you ask? I would personally recommend the cover of Neil Diamond’s seminal album, 20 Diamond Hits. I swear the combination of piercing eyes, chest hair, and giant mane could not only summon apparitions on command, but also open a portal directly into the realm of love. But something must have worked, as seconds later the same piss poor animation of lightning flashes across the screen and suddenly Grandpa Seth begins to talk to them all. He declares that he will disappear forever after they destroy the magic stone which gives the goblins their power. He then tells Joshua to concentrate, who in turn puts his head down on the table and passes out. As the mother leans over to check on his, Josh is instantaneously replaced by a goblin, queuing a flood of other goblines into the house. Assuming that they must have been successful, the family abandons their ritual, fleeing upstairs and battling midgets as they go.

Someone get this chick some Valtrex, for God's sake.

We’ll leave them battling the tragically stumpy and instead follow along with Josh who wakes up leaning against an alter in CCR’s church of Scientology, where he prepares to settle the score once and for all. But before he can accomplish much of anything, he is attacked by, go figure, a goblin. But as that goblin tries to strangle Josh, Grandpa Seth shows up and slaps it away before handing Josh a special package, telling him that he can only take out the contents when he really needs it. I’ll tell you what Gramps, you tell me what the hell it is and I might have some context that would allow me to decide when it’s appropriate to use. Having passed on that powerful mystery item of doom, he leads Josh over to the slab of Stonehenge. They touch it, which somehow does something to start a chain of random events. Back at the RV, Brent wakes up in an ocean of popcorn, which is undoubtedly stuck together like caramel corn with cum being the substitute for caramel, just as CCR steps outside and sees her reflection in the sideview mirror and discovers a new outbreak of her scorching case of the herpes. She screams, and that scream travels all the way back to the farmhouse where the family is about to meet their end at the hands of their goblin attackers when they all simply disappear. And not only did her scream summon her goblins, but it also warped them all back to the church of Scientology where they all arrive just after Grandpa Seth disappears again for what is supposed to be the final time. Finding Josh right away, CCR and her goblin army snatch him away, once again ignoring an opportunity to simply kill him in favor of trying to feed him another bowl of green slop. Seeing as this could kind of be interpreted as a dire situation, Josh decides to deploy his secret weapon, delving into the package to produce, as he describes it, a “double-decker balony sandwich”. Stricken with horror and disbelief, seeing as even supernatural creatures realize that no one who has half a brain would actually eat bologna, the goblin horde offer no resistance while he takes chomp after chomp of the sandwich before running back to the stone wall and putting his hands on it once again. But just when it seems like an armada of monsters is about to be destroyed by a dim witted child alone, the family runs in to help, explaning that Grandpa Seth’s voice brought them there. Once they all put their hands on the stone, more shitty lightning flashes across the screen while Josh yells repeatedly for them to concentrate. And with that, the army of half-men begins to wither. CCR starts throwing up green shit, one of them has their eye burst for no reason, and the rest just fall thrashing on the floor with less enthusiasm than a clinical depressive wallowing in melancholy. But as the ordeal finally seems to come to an end, we are left with one final shot where the whole room appears to be empty of both goblins and the family.

Next thing you know, with absolutely no attempt to bridge of the gap whatsoever, we catch up to the family once again as their van pulls into their driveway. Looking like they were just gang raped by a centaur with penis extension, they sit for a moment in quiet reflection before the father declares that he needs to pass by the office. Because in comparison to the massive heap of garbage that they just experienced, paperwork is a fucking pleasure cruise for the soul. Likewise, Elliot and Holly decide to go to his place for no particular reason, leaving Josh and the mother alone at home. Once inside, the mother starts chomping on an apple before going for a shower while Josh goes to his room for a nap. But once he’s there, he hears ominous whispering that he can’t identify. Going to investigate, he returns downstairs just time for another ball to come bouncing downstairs behind him that says “Yummy! Mom is so good!” So I guess that means that a goblin is about to go down on his mom? Horrified at the thought, Josh runs back upstairs to find the shower filled with green shit before running back downstairs to discover that the apple the mother had been eating was filled with the same green shit that we’ve been staring at for the last 90 minutes. He finally turns a corner to discover what we all know is coming; his mother has turned into a green cake corpse with surprisingly conspicuous breasts which is being feasted upon by a group of goblins. Setting up what could be one of the strangest pornos I’ve ever seen, they ask Josh if he’d like a piece of the action. But before the cheesy 70′s music can kick in, the kid screams and the movie ends.

If her flesh turned to cake, did those implants turned to a jelly filling?

It occurred to me while watching what has to be the shortest list of credits in the history of cinema that we never did find out what happened to any of Elliot’s friends. Sure one of them was turning into a plant and being given a chainsaw makeover the last time we saw him, but the others were simply slapped onto a bed and fucked in a vat of popcorn respectively, neither of which are even close to being fatal. So for the sake of finality, lets just say that they opened an unsuccessful pet store together and spent the next two decades trying to sell kittens to goblins. There we go. Now I feel pretty good about this whole affair.

The Verdict:

Donkey: Troll II has achieved legendary status among those of us that love shitty movies, and with good reason. While I wouldn’t call it the greatest shitty movie of all time, as for the moment I would consider Gymkata to be the rightful owner of that title, this is a strong contender. As little as the plot makes sense, and as awesome as it is that it’s completely unrelated to the first film, probably the best part about it is the acting. It’s nearly impossible to describe and you simply MUST see it for yourself. The best way that I can describe it is by saying that the only way that you could reproduce this level of wooden, apathetic, and incompetent delivery would be to hold a kindergarten class at gunpoint and demand that they read your scripts under threat of setting fire to a box of puppies. It’s my sincere pleasure to give this shitfest five villains that are completely unrelated to trolls out of five popcorn orgies.

What We Learned:

Donkey: All those who have stood on both sides of the argument, claiming that homosexuality is either a choice or genetic trait, are wrong. People go queer after getting nailed in the junk, particularly if they sneak into their girlfriend’s room at night. So apparently I dodged a bullet when I was young and my older brother decided to kick me in the balls as hard as he could to test how much it actually hurt, or my passionate love of Tom Jones music is starting to make a lot more sense.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Big money and big prizes as we take a look at the Governator’s…THE RUNNING MAN.

Back To The Main Page.

This is one of the few movie where that banner truly fits. It was uncut because no one bothered to edit it. It was uncensored because no one would have the balls to submit this to a regulatory body. It's unbelievable...well, you'll soon come to understand that part.

Donkey: It goes without saying that talent is a rare thing, but I don’t think most people realize how rare true talent actually is. Most people can only find one thing in life that they’re fairly good at, with the exception of those very few lucky fuckers who are good at everything they do, but they pretty much make us all sick. Since you’re reading this, you’d probably assume that I consider my talent to be writing. Not so. I actually don’t fancy myself to be terribly good at this, but simply feel the need to share the horrors that we’ve seen. No, my true calling lies in clam shucking. Seriously, if you need a bucket of clams shucked the fuck up, you give me a call. But that leads us to another important aspect of talent. While it’s granted that everyone has that one thing that they excel at, the problem is that for most people it’s something that will never earn them a paycheck, let alone a disgustingly inflated paycheck. So when someone’s lucky enough to win the lottery of life and get paid a fact stack of cash to do what they’re good at, it’s naturally quite frustrating for the rest of us when they have the audacity to try to branch out and kick ass in a second field. This could be why there are so few musicians who try their hand at acting and receive any shred of respect. While there a few that manage to pull it off, most are met with the ridicule rightfully deserved when they prove that they barely had one talent in the first place. That brings us to this week’s feature film.

When we were looking through the list of Asylum movies on their website and found a film starring the Insane Clown Posse, it became an immediate must-have for us. After all, ICP is already a shitty band, so the thought of those idiots trying to act promised immeasurable hilarity. Once again, the Asylum didn’t disappoint.

The Plot:

Donkey: If you’ve read any of our previous reviews of Asylum movies, then you know that being a blatant rip-off of an existing Hollywood blockbuster does not necessarily mean that their movie is actually bound in any way to be even remotely fucking related to the source material. If you need an example, feel free to look back at our review of Universal Soldiers, a heartwarming Asylum knock off of Universal Soldier that takes the majesty of JCVD and Dolph Lundgren battling both acid flashbacks on one another to settle a dispute that began in Vietnam and replaces it with a dozen unremarkable douchebags running around in the woods in the hopes of accomplishing little more than shouting one another into oblivion before a giant Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 rises up to destroy them all.

But that being said, every once in a while the Asylum manages to surprise you and actually land extremely close to the mark. Such is the case with Death Racers, which is a cinematic orgasm based on – hold on to your hats – Death Race. Now, I know what you’re saying to yourself right now and I agree: I too was hoping that while named after Death Race, the movie would actually be a rip off of Funny Farm, but alas such is not the case. In both movies, the story is set in the year 20-who-gives-a-shit, telling the tale of convicted felons competing in a hybrid street race/demolition derby for the chance to win their freedom. The differences in this case being that the racers are actually being used to assassinate a criminal leader harboring a shitty plan that might accomplish something evil that would be even remotely terrifying if we could figure out how it works, and the entirely respectable Jason Statham has been replaced by a duo of shockingly untalented white rappers that I can’t figure out why the hell I recognize.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Exhibit A: Don’t Fear The Reaper…He’s Just A Pudgy, Terrible Actor In A Vest

Donkey: This week’s festival of pain climbs aboard a rocket sled of stunted imagination and barrels us forward into the future, stopping first a distant three years from now. As stock footage of fires and random destruction flashes across the screen, a narrator describes a revolution started by “the disillusioned masses” which causes liberty to vanish. If you’re wondering what exactly the masses are so disillusioned about, take heart that while the film doesn’t say, we can just go ahead and assume that it’s a nationwide panic triggered when Nerds candy is taken off the market. Flash forward next to the year 2033, where the President of the United States declares Marshall Law, opening a massive penal colony called the Red Zone which becomes the home of over a million insane and horrifically violent felons. And now that we’ve set up an unmotivated uprising that resulted in an inexplicably over populated sleep-away camp for axe murderers, we’re ready to jump in with both feet.

Nuclear explosion be damned, I've got to finish synthesizing a new strain of Cream Soda.

Once that useless narration comes to an end, the prologue continues with an introduction to the source of conflict which is to become the basis of the movie. And since it’s the basis of an Asylum film, it’s quite appropriate that it makes little to no sense. It begins with the Red Zone’s resident scientist playing with a beaker in front of an image of a nuke going off, likely symbolizing his research into a homemade cure for the extreme burning sensation that he experiences when he pees. But before he can administer his Kool-Aid based cure, he’s interrupted by the overlord of the Red Zone, a man in a shitty vest and toque combo named the Reaper. As the Reaper begins to give the doctor shit for his lack of progress on preparing the top secret sarin gas for his upcoming planned attack, neither of them notice that they are being filmed by a young dude who has snuck into the lab. Of course, it’s understandable that they don’t see him, considering that he’s hiding a whopping two feet away from them. As the Reaper gives the doctor a deadline of two weeks to complete his work, he steps on a mouse to show how serious he is. Fuck, there goes to most likable character in the movie. Rest in peace, Mr Cheesypants McSqueakington. Of course, it would be a lot more upsetting if it didn’t cut from the shot of a mouse pinned under the Reaper’s boot directly to a shot of him stepping down into what is clearly a puddle of strawberry jam. Flinching in the face of this act of condiment-based brutality, the kid knocks into shit causing the Reaper to turn his head ever so slightly and finally notice him. As the kid bolts out the door, the Reaper tells a third man in the room to “find and kill the kid with the camera”. The random dude goes to carry out the order and at this point we discover that despite looking completely unremarkable in any way, this random dude is apparently some kind of android as indescribably shitty robot sounds are dubbed over his every move. With the chase now on, the kid runs out in the hallway outside the lab, gives the camera to some random dude in a hazmat suit standing there, and ducks under a nearby table. The android appears seconds later, walks up to the random bastard holding the camera, and without so much as a word, punches his fist straight through this his exceptionally confused chest. Besides the obvious criticism of how fucking terrible the shot of the first punching through the chest looks, I’m quite startled that you’d bother to build an android if it was so stupid that it actually fell for that. As the doctor and the Reaper come out to see what happened, the robot hands them the camera. The doctor takes a quick look and notices that it has Wi-Fi, concluding that the stream of images must have already been transmitted, so everyone will know their plan by now. The Reaper says that’s okay, that just means that the doctor now has four days to complete his work, or as the unnecessarily slowed-down repetition shot that follows it directly says, “fffffooooouuuurrrr ddaaaayyyysss”.

Robotic chiropractors: a bad idea.

Now that our introduction into this world is complete, it’s time to roll the opening credits while two stars of the movie, both members of the band Insane Clown Posse, drop their latest failed attempt at a hit single. And I’d like to take a moment to note how much I admire these assholes. It takes an immeasurable amount of maturity and poetic brilliance to drop a track with a title like Fuck The World (Fuck Them All). I can only hope that the closing credits of the movie play their equally brilliant follow-up, My Mom Made Me Clean My Room (I Hate That Bitch).

Rock on, random maps!

The meat of the film begins in an office where our favorite Burgess Meredith impersonator, also known as the coach in Street Racer who introduced us to the genius of go-kart practicing for street racing, is playing Reagan Black, the Governor of California. He’s surrounded by three other people, one of whom may or may not be the President of the United States. They hint at it but don’t say for sure, and really, it makes little difference. After looking at a series of blueprints and diagrams of the Red Zone which look more like schematics for Snoopy Snowcone Machine, they have a fucking ridiculous conversation so poorly delivered that it makes the already terrible script impossible to keep up with. As far as I can tell, they’re either talking about their favorite Rush album or else something about the criminals having access to the water supply and sarin gas, but I can’t tell which is the case. All I know is that my favorite part of the whole improved mess is the Governor saying, “Godddamn Red Zone – dumping a shitload of cock tit criminals in the middle of a walled-off city in the middle of my state – when was that ever in a million rimjob years thought to be a good idea, huh?” Exactly, sir. Thank you for commenting on how fucking stupid the entire premise for the movie is right off the bat. Not many movies have the courage to come right out and declare how retarded they are. But anyways, at the end of this verbal diarrhea the Governor proposes that the only way that they can infiltrate the Red Zone and stop the Reaper is by holding something called a Savage Run, even though one of his cronies points out that they’re illegal. But the Governor says that it won’t be a Savage Run. No, instead they’ll change the name to a Death Race, the objective of which will be to kill the Reaper. I have news for you, Poncho: that’s not fooling anyone. They may have changed the name of the show from A Night Of Synchronized Ball Cradling to Dancing With The Stars, but I’m still quite aware that it’s an extravaganza of fruity dancing.

Exhibit B: Stereotypes Are Hilarious

Apparently a Death Race is easier to set up than a drooling match at an old folks’ home, as not seconds after the Governor is rubbing himself off over his own genius, we jump immediately into the prime-time network premier of the Death Race, or as the announcer screams repeatedly, “DEATH RACE!!!”, where it recaps the entire history of the Red Zone for no reason before introducing us to the teams that will serve as contestants:

WE LOVE TACOS!

SHG (or the Severed Head Gang): The first team is a not-quite-Hispanic duo who belongs to the nation’s biggest gang, introduced while doing about five minutes of their best ethnic gangster posing and random shouting. This team features another actor from Street Racer, who played Mickey Styles, the evil nemesis who had inexplicable fetish for calling the main character, Johnny, by name with inappropriate frequency. And much like Champagne Rifle Man, he’s therefore earned a special spot in our hearts, forever known to us as Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny. But to save space and my fingers from all that typing, we’ll just call him the J-Quad. After introducing the team, the movie then introduces us to the sweet ride that they’ll be piloting through the race; a Lincoln Towncar with a goddamn fake severed head on the hood.

Don't ask don't tell my ass. There's gay, and then there's ARMY GAY.

Homeland Security: This team consists of two ex-army dudes in camouflage fatigues driving a Jeep with a shitty homemade rocket launcher mounted on it, as well as two massive M-19 guns on either side of the hood. With absolutely nothing else remarkable about them, these two are so generic that they might as well have been painted green and named “Army Men”. Seriously, I have house plants with more personality than these assholes. They’re exactly like those assholes you see staring at themselves in a mirror at the gym while blasting their triceps. Later on in the movie it will later be revealed that there are narcs in the group of contestants and holy shit, I wonder who that would be?

That's what real lesbians look like, right? Right?

Vaginamyte: The token female team that serves only to give any preteens viewers an uncomfortable stiffness in the pants, it consists of two girls named Queen B and Double D-struction. They are two pseudo-lesbian cannibals who lure men into their web, fuck them, and then devour them. Wow. What fucking ten year old wrote this bullshit? And to make it even more insulting, they’re driving a fucking Lotus. That makes sense, because if I were about to pilot my way through a battle with hordes of criminally insane convicts, I’d choose a goddamn expensive and fragile sports car. But don’t worry because they too have a shitty fake rocket launcher that looks like it was made out of polyethylene piping and duct tape on its roof. The male news anchor describes the cars as being able to go from “zero to suck my dick in 4.1 seconds”. Holy shit. How do you top that kind of maturity? Easily, actually, with our last team…

The skinny one is planning exactly how he's going to beat his girlfriend when he gets home, while the fat one begs for a treat. Who hired these assholes?

Insane Clown Posse: These two shitty rappers in real life play themselves, of course, despite the fact that it makes no goddamn sense. If this is supposed to be 2033 and they’re a garbage band from the late 90′s, that would make them over fifty years old at this point. And while Chubs McGee and the Emaciated Pole Smoker (I couldn’t be bothered to learn their actual names) look like they’ve been beaten with the ugly stick for about half a century, clearly neither of them are that old. Regardless, the movie explains that they still have a strong fan base despite their music being illegal for 13 years. First of all ICP has NEVER had a strong fan base. And secondly, I don’t care how terrible the dystopian future you have dreamed up is supposed to be…if ICP becomes illegal, count me in. But anyways, the movie continues by saying that these two assclowns were “scapegoated” for a series of massacres inspired by their “hardcore” music before comparing them to Hitler. Actually, that’s pretty believable. I can tell you right now that if I were forced to listen to an entire ICP album, somebody would have to pay. Their introduction comes to an end as we see that for this competition, ICP will be driving an ice cream truck with a fucking meat grinder on the front. Yes, a meat grinder. I guess a food processor would be just a little too stupid.

After the Reaper watches the premier of this nationally telecast bounty on his head, he declares that he needs the Doctor to finish his work today. Then the movie switches straight back to our group of contestants where after amazing us by not even being able to make squabbling with each other sound natural, they gather around a TV rolled out on a cart that displays a live feed to the Governor himself. He recaps their mission, laying out the arbitrary and completely irrelevant point system that comprises their game: 10 points for each random thug, 200 points for killing the Reaper, and 400 points for bringing him in alive. I’m not really sure what the point of bringing him in alive would be though, since he’s already in a fucking penal colony. What are you going to do? Throw him back in jail? The Governor also explains that freedom for each team requires a score of 1,000 points. When J-Quad’s partner asks what happens if they decide to just drive away, the Governor uses a remote control to set off a bomb strapped to his neck, exploding his head. I’d tell you this special effect is so terrible that it looks like an explosion of Alphaghetti, but I think that goes without saying by now. After this unnecessarily brutal show of force, the Governor warns that they have until sunset to bring back the Reaper.

Please God, someone make ICP stop rapping....NOOO!!!

Now that their objective is clear, not to mention idiotic, the teams jump in their vehicles and prepare to officially begin the race. But before they do, they hit us with some more random fucking exposition that just continues to pile on the stereotypical laziness. The two chicks are suddenly brandishing a vibrator for no reason while the J-Quad flirts very badly with them, throwing out every goddamn Latino slang term that he can think of. The other two teams say something as well, but you can’t hear them above the sound of their engines revving, which is probably for the best since it would have undoubtedly added nothing to the scene anyways, but is still laughable nonetheless. Good God, I love you, Asylum. And while this is going on, we turn back to the Red Zone just long enough for the Reaper to kill a random lab tech while complaining that the sarin gas levels in the water are too low before he’s informed that the race is about to begin. The best part of this shining moment of brilliance would have to be seeing the Reaper clearly spouting out dialogue for which there is no audio whatsoever, hereby proving my theory that this movie was edited using an old VCR spliced together with a Speak-And-Spell. But before leaving our pudgy villain again, he orders an army of disposable punks to meet the contestants, obviously hoping to clog his attackers’ engines with their internal organs.

Exhibit C: Ladies And Gentlemen, Start Your Severe Rectal Bleeding

DEATH RACE!!! With the official start of the race at hand, once again the newscast begins with that goddamn scream that we’ll hear all too often before they review the vehicles and plot of the race, because we really need to hear all that again. Finally after a rather underwhelming countdown, the party is finally underway and the vehicles tear off. Well, the films speed is increased to make it look like they’re tearing off, but then inexplicably slows back down to normal speed, clearly showing that they might as well be driving through a school zone. As they meet up with the horde of people waiting to engage in battle, and keep in mind that when I say a “horde” in an Asylum film, I mean the dozen or so family members of the cast that are filmed from different angles to make them look more numerous. As the teams begin to unload their cannons while swerving around slowly, they begin to run over those that they don’t shoot. And by run over, I mean they drive up to someone then cut to an extreme close up shot of the car running over a fake body parts. But to really distinguish our teams from one another, they each apply their own brand of stupidity to the scene. J-Quad shoots a single rocket at a dude kneeling in the road about ten feet in front of him, destroying him in an explosion so small that it there’s no way a rocket could possibly produce it. A punctured aerosol can, maybe, but not a rocket. Not to be outdone, the girls back up into a dude at the same speed that most of us would back out of a parking spot, hitting him to the ground where his head splits in half cleanly down the middle, which just makes no goddamn sense at all. And of course, ICP feeds a dude who falls to the ground into their meat grinder which results in only about four tablespoons of red corn syrup to fly out of a exhaust spout. And finally, the soldier boys get out and fight people by hand, which seems to defeat the purpose of vehicle-based combat entirely.

Well no wonder this guy's head split in half. He doesn't have an opening for his mouth or eyes.

With the insanity under way, we check back into the Red Zone where the doctor works feverishly, inserting liquid into a glass container using a turkey baster, which is pretty much exactly what he’s done the entire movie up to this point, because that’s pretty much all science is. As the Reaper saunters in again, they have the same argument old argument where he tells the doctor to go to full capacity and the doctor explains why that would be stupid. Goddamn. And speaking of things that just don’t get old…

That's right, Chuck, it looks like SHG's only chance to win at this point is to find the warp whistle that would take them straight to World 8-1!

DEATH RACE!!! The news broadcast kicks in again, giving us the point total for each team so far, like that means a goddamn thing to us or has any bearing whatsoever on the outcome of the movie (foreshadowing: it doesn’t). With yet another few minutes of film completely wasted for no other purpose than to pass the time, we journey back out to the Red Zone where all four teams stop together inexplicably, one can only guess to have a circle jerk. After more pointless and incredibly unnatural banter, they realize that it might be exceptionally stupid to just stand around doing nothing. One by one they jump back into their shitty cruisers and leave until only ICP remains, leaving them to take axes to a small gang that comes running out to do little more than pad ICP’s irrelevant score. But once they’re finished, a massive explosion goes off causing a mushroom cloud a short distance away. As ICP runs over to investigate, it turns out to be the Homeland Security team being killed, as their jeep has gone up in a massive fireball. So just to recap, hitting a dude with a rocket launcher creates an explosion about four feet in diameter, whereas blowing up a jeep results in a fucking mushroom cloud. So along with quality, logic, acting, editing, etc, the movie also manages to shit on the concept of proportion. As ICP stands and watches the jeep burn, the young kid from the beginning of the movie sneaks up to film them, once again from two feet away and this time out in the open. Naturally the two painted tragedies notice him eventually, so he explains that his name is FX and he’s been filming the Red Zone all his life. I’m not really sure why, but they take a shining to him and decide to bring him along.

It takes them a while to notice him since this is exactly what kind of media coverage they're used to.

Hold on, I need to update my Facebook status...

DEATH RACE!!! The news announces the death of Homeland Security before updating the scores again, which I guess means that there’s a whole lot more killing that they couldn’t be bothered to show us. While watching this news, the Governor is informed by his female underling that the Reaper has found a way into the water supply. She then gives a ton of details that make no fucking sense even if you really concentrated on listening, which no one in their right mind would. And after checking in with one group of idiots smashing together plans like a remedial class playing with Silly Putty, we turn to their mirrors in the Red Zone, where once again the Reaper argues with the doctor about his progress. Fuck, someone stop this. His goth hooker companion then enters the room and announces that their ambush is ready. Nevertheless, the Reaper is still getting impatient, so he takes over the doctor’s laptop and starts adjusting his iTunes playlist, which is supposed to be him increasing the gas or the pressure or some bullshit. To show how he’s pushing the system to dangerous limits, the film shows two shots of two different pipes rattling slightly. Now that’s intense!

DEATH RACE!!! Once again we turn back to the news anchors who update the fucking totals, despite having not seen anyone get killed since the last update. Goddamn. Meanwhile J-Quad, the girls, and ICP all meet again out in the field, since I guess none of them realize that this is a competition. At this point I think we can definitely conclude that calling this a race is about as accurate as calling it a corporate team-building retreat. Anyways, ICP lets the other two teams know that FX has warned them that they’re about to walk into a trap set by the Reaper. But fear not, as ICP says they’ve got a plan. Don’t hold your breath, though, as I’m pretty sure it involves telling the world how hardcore you are while playing Halo 3 in your mom’s basement.

Ouch...my dignity...

Ready to counter the certain doom that is waiting for them, the teams pull up to a warehouse which is apparently the site of the trap. I’m not really sure how the Reaper figured that they would pass through this particular warehouse, but that’s the least of the questions plaguing me at this point. The first group into action is J-Quad and the black haired member of Vaginamyte, Double D-struction. Why they’re teamed up, I have no idea. They pull up next to the warehouse, get out of their car, walk ten feet, and look around a corner to see three dudes standing with their backs turned, waiting to attack through a nearby door. What’s absolutely remarkable is the fact that they’re only standing about four feet away. How the fuck did those dudes not hear a car pull up with two noisy idiots talking as they get out of it? The pair goes back to J-Quad’s car and pulls random weapons from his trunk. Moments later, J-Quad then rushes around the corner and impales the three men on his…spear? Really? Who the fuck even has a spear, let alone in their trunk? Meanwhile, the other member of Vaginamyte, Queen B, and ICP sneak inside a different entrance of the warehouse. After ICP decapitates two dudes who, again, don’t notice someone walking up behind them, Queen B then distracts two other dudes by showing them her titties while ICP kills them from behind. And while this isn’t quite on par with another one of our Asylum favorites, Sad Titties from Snakes On A Train, the idea of this woman baring her tits for this movie just makes me want to cry. But with that, the trap is officially sprung, leaving the teams to congratulate one another for defeating an ambush that would have been perpetrated by a group of thugs that outnumbered them by an overwhelming TWO guys.

Thank God young Timmy was there, setting off his toy rocket or this could have been an epic bloodbath.

But while this is going on, our wee pal FX is waiting in ICP’s ice cream truck where he suddenly gets his ass killed by the goddamn android, which appears out of nowhere. But that’s not the end of the horror. After the three remaining teams once again begin some remarkably stilted bickering inside the warehouse, the android busts into the room and begins slapping them all around with the greatest of ease. But once watching these idiots getting tossed around quite poorly starts to get old, two masked dudes run into the scene and hit it with a fucking rocket launcher. But before you wonder if the explosion from this rocket launcher is either unfathomably small or the size of a nuclear blast, let me put your mind at ease by specifying that in this case, the rocket doesn’t explode at all. It just hits the android and knocks it over through the magic of obviously sped up film. But hey, at least that stupidity distracts you for a brief moment from the rather goddamn obvious mystery of who the masked duo happens to be. Once it recovers from this barely inconvenient attack, the android gets up and runs off for no imaginable reason. Apparently not only did someone program this thing to be fooled by handing an object to a complete stranger, but also to abandon its prey, no matter how easily it can be defeated, the moment that it’s knocked over. Not questioning their luck, the three teams wander back outside to find the tires of their respective vehicles slashed, as well as other invisible damage that they don’t have the budget to show. Undaunted and still in no rush, they take their cars into the warehouse and fix them, wasting both screen time and my time.

Pssttt...I just pooped a little.

DEATH RACE!!! Again we return to the television broadcast for no other reason than to get an update on the current scores. Fuck. I swear the two people playing the news anchors must have blown someone to get screen time, no matter how unnecessary it is. And with that mandatory waste of time complete, we turn to another, as we gaze in on the Reaper, who verbally molests his random goth hooker companion with dialogue we can’t fucking hear. As the sexual stumbling comes to an end, I’m pretty sure that while the Reaper has cum in his pants, I’ll never get an erection again. We finally get to the goddamn point of the scene seconds later when she recovers from his assault to let him know that the trap didn’t work. Wow. That was completely worth it.

Exhibit D: I’m Fully Trained In The Martial Arts…Of Love

And they laughed at J-Quad when we said that he planned to go straight to a gardening job right after the race.

At this point it becomes clear that the already incredibly shallow pool of ideas for this movie has gone completely dry, as things start to get really fucking bizarre. We catch up with J-Quad, cruising along on his own when he comes across a beat up shed with a single table out front and a spray painted sign that says “Bar”. Being a fan of prison wine, he naturally decides that it would be a great idea to stop and ask the one dude sitting there for whatever he’s got. But as fucking retarded as that sounds, it gets even better. He then turns his back for absolutely no reason while the dude gets up and pisses in a cup. He then turns around and takes the cup from the man, taking a big swig while the dude laughs at how fucking stupid he is. Angered by the hot, salty mouthful of karma that is so badly deserved, J-Quad starts laying a beatdown on the bartender before eventually pissing right on the dude’s face. And as he’s zipping up and walking away from they beaten and piss covered body, three more guys come around the corner and run at him. I thought that swigging piss couldn’t be topped, but just then J-Quad goes and gets a fucking scythe out of the trunk of his car and kills the three dudes with it. Yep, a scythe. So to recap, this dude decided that going into a vehicle based melee, it would be wise to carry a spear and a scythe with him. But while the J-Quad stands there over the fallen masses, quite satisfied with his idiocy, the bartender trundles up and hits him in the back of the head with a pipe wrench, knocking him out cold. He wakes up some time later, hanging by chains as the bar man prepares to kill him. But before he has the chance to meet his grisly and well deserved end, the mystery duo in black appears again, shooting the bartender in the back, freeing J-Quad, and running like hell. Why save someone as useless as J-Quad? I have no goddamn idea.

While he's picturing that time he made out with his cousin, she's throwing up in her mouth a little.

Not to be outdone in sheer stupidity, we leave our bandito pal and turn to ICP as they drive along only to run across something bizarre themselves. But instead of a shitty piss bar, they find two random chicks in mini-skirts and high heels. After the painted turds pull over and toss around promises that can only result in extreme sexual disappointment, these two chicks decide to climb aboard and guide them away. We catch up with them moments later as they all sit around in a random goddamn tent. The Emaciated Pole Smoker rubs an axe over one chick’s nipples while Chubs McGee brags about being a big boy all over, which she’ll find out “when she gets plowed in a minute”. For the record, listening to this fat bastard brag about his penis is every bit as sickening as you can imagine. This dude looks like he smells like pee. Just then another woman strides in, claiming to be the leader of the Whores of Babylon, an organization of loose chicks. She says something about their reputation as poets preceding their arrival in the Red Zone, pretending to seduce them before pulling out pruning sheers and threatening to take their balls. While I’m all for it, I’m not really sure what the point of this is. But that promise goes unanswered as ICP manages to turn the tables and kill the women instead, hacking at their bodies with a hatchet and a rather disturbing amount of sheer glee plastered across their faces. Seriously, these dudes have fucking issues.

As we check in with our last team, things go from bizarre to downright insanely hilarious. When Vaginamyte stops their car to have a casual and pointless argument amongst themselves, they get attacked by the android for a quick moment before it steals Queen B and takes off. In desperation, Double D-struction eventually turns to the one exceptionally useless man that she can find, demanding that J-Quad help in finding her missing partner. To secure his agreement, they inexplicably start making out against the side of a building. And while her partner wastes time sucking on a greasy taco, Queen B wakes up in a strange room lying face down and tied to a metal table. Moments later she is thrust into a hell previously thought unimaginable as the android, I’m shitting you negative, straps on a massive metal robo-cock and starts to rape her. Okay, that’s fucking insane. But fortunately for her, Double D-struction and J-Quad hear her screams of terror right away, as apparently they were making out directly against the outside of the very building that she’s being raped in. After the two of them burst into the room and free Queen B from her restraints, the three of them join together to beat the android to death. Considering he was slapping all five contestants around like it wasn’t even a chore a few minutes ago, it’s surprising that it was so easy to defeat him this time. But again, that’s the least of this scene’s problems.

If you've ever wondered if a scene in a film could give your toaster a boner, behold...

Having sat through that cavalcade of insanity, the movie eases off the accelerator for a moment and returns to some pointless monotony. After taking a moment to show us the doctor ordering an assistant to inform the Reaper that his gas-based attack is finally ready, we then turn back to the Governor and his three jackass companions as they stand around listening to a ham radio, once again talking about something so cryptically that it’s not worth the technical institute diploma required to stave off the brain aneurysm and pay attention.

Look, all I said was that Melissa Ethridge is overrated.

And speaking of pointless, the movie then returns to the contestants just in time to see J-Quad and the two women leaving scene of the funniest rape scene in the history of cinema. Queen B and J-Quad begin to fight over the attention of Double D-struction, and that fight quickly turns physical. After kicking the J-Quad straight in the balls, Queen B backs up into him with her car repeatedly. And if that wasn’t stupid enough, she then grabs the hood ornament off J-Quad’s car, ripping the fake head off of it and using the blade to stab him almost to death. But just as Double D-struction finally steps in to try to calm Queen B down, J-Quad pulls out a gun and shoots her in the back. They both die, leaving Double D-struction to wander if a pet dog would be a better companion and lover at this point than either men or women.

With only one full team actually remaining in the competition, ICP manages to finally arrive at the Reaper’s complex just as the sarin gas is about to be released. But before we can finally get to the conclusion of the film, it’s time once again for…

Sorry about that hatchet to the shoulder...Wait! Is that a spider?!

DEATH RACE!!! We return to our news coverage of the race, which reviews the death of J-Quad and Queen B and then, guess what, updates the goddamn scores. With that mandatory punch in the face delivered, we return to the Red Zone as ICP and Double D as they stumble upon one another in the Reaper’s complex. As the Insane Clown Pansies stalk through a hallway with their hatchets cocked and ready, Double D-struction turns a corner just in front of them only to get a hatchet to the collar bone. Chubs McGee asks the Emaciated Pole Smoker why the hell he did that, to which the EPS shrugs and replies that he didn’t mean to, that she walked into it. Chubs McGee shakes his head, declaring that he’ll go to hell for that one. Yeah, that bunch of chicks that you just butchered was cool, but killing this chick will get you a penthouse suite in Hades. But since the subject of Satan has come up, that gives the boys a rather irrelevant reason to start belting out one of their shitty songs about rubbing off the devil or something while they walk away.

As the movie takes a break, it returns to the Governor and his three idiots who have another incomprehensible conversation while examining satellite imagery of fucking NOTHING, all the while chuckling about their inside guys. Seriously, who could that be?! Before the answer comes, it’s time once again for…

DEATH RACE!!! We return to the news broadcast just for the anchor to sum up the situation as, “Two clowns against one insane man. Who will win?” And that’s it. That’s the entire scene.

Exhibit E: No Matter Who Crosses The Finish Line, We All Lose

We return to the Red Zone where the Reaper and the doctor begin to release the gas just as ICP comes rushing in. They kill the doctor with a ridiculously unlikely hatchet throw, but just to be sure that they got the job done, the Emaciated Pole Smoker takes a couple of minutes to hack at the doctor’s body while the Reaper stands a couple of feet away and does absolutely nothing. But just as we wonder if everyone will simply die of boredom, the mystery duo dressed in black appears again and finally reveals their true identity. Why it was Homeland Security, the only team of ex-government agents in the pack who just happened to arbitrarily go missing after a completely unmotivated mushroom cloud explosion! Who could have possibly predicted that?! They blow a hole in the roof causing it to collapse on the room’s occupants before rappelling down to admire their handiwork. After looking through the rubble for about 12 seconds, they leave the complex altogether just before ICP comes crawling out of the debris. Chubs McGee has an injured leg, so severely that it couldn’t possibly be fatal unless he rolled around in a vast of the flesh eating virus, so he sends the EPS to get revenge without him. I would suspect that it’s actually not the injury that’s keeping him behind, but rather the fact that he’s noticed a nearby box of Twinkies. But either way, as long as the scene ends, I’m happy. But say, do you know what we haven’t heard in a while?

Dear God, man, don't pull that out or you might spout a fountain of KFC gravy.

DEATH RACE!!! With the race officially declared over, the news anchors announce the sudden return of Homeland Security and declare them the winners. Moments later, they cut to live footage of the race’s finish line where the Governor giving a speech about their “coalition rebuilding the nation”, whatever the fuck that means, as the winning team arrives in the ICP ice cream truck. But while the jubilation goes on, we return to the Red Zone where Chubs McGee is still inching his way towards that box of Twinkies when the Reaper emerges to talk about the destruction that was to be. The tubby Ronald McDonald likes his plan until he realizes that his home city of Detroit would also be affected by the devastation, so the two men start grappling with less skill than two homeless men fighting over discarded pizza crusts. And while this is going on, the Emaciated Pole Smoker pops up back at the finish line and unloads an MK47 at the Governor, killing some of his men and proving…well, pretty much nothing. But as the Governor ducks behind his podium, he uses the implant in the ICP to blow up both Chubs McGee and the EPS’s explosive neck implants. But just before dying, they both yell, “Fuck the world”. I’m not really sure if it matters at this point, but the bomb in Chubs McGee’s neck not only detonates his significantly empty head, but it also sets off a massive explosion in the Red Zone. It serves no real purpose, other than to be one last ‘fuck you’ to all the resident convicts, but then useless pretty much describes the entire movie anyways.

At that point, the movie finally comes to an end. But wait…how about a remarkably shitty epilogue to blow one last fart directly in our faces. We see Double D-struction climbing a small hill, looking to be on death’s doorstep from the massive blood loss that she no doubt suffered from getting a fucking hatchet to the collar bone. But once she finally makes it to the top of the hill, she turns her back to us and walks about ten paces before spinning back around to strike a ridiculous pose for the camera. Good God. I think we were all just raped with that robo-cock.

The Verdict:

Donkey: Death Racers has everything you could possibly ask for, provided you were asking for someone to throw up on your face after impregnating your cat. Having famous musicians acting in your film is almost always a risky venture, but when it happens to be musicians that I need to punch myself in the balls repeatedly while chanting “Y2K” to even remotely remember, your pretty much just setting yourself up to fail. And if you’re going to feature their shitty excuse for hip hop music, why not apply that to the direction of the rest of the film. After all, who doesn’t like random shots arbitrarily sped up then slowed down, as well as repeated four or five times to prove no point at all? But then, I guess that does mask the fact that the script was actually written on a cocktail napkin and could be filmed in about 17 minutes. But my favorite part of the movie, by far, is their instance on screaming “DEATH RACE!!!” every three minutes, especially since it’s the clearest line of dialogue being yelled at Spinal Tap volume levels interspersed throughout standard Asylum movie mumbling. And in no way “DEATH RACE!!!” is it grating “DEATH RACE!!!” when this blaring distraction “DEATH RACE!!!” interrupts the movie over “DEATH RACE!!!” and over again. It’s my “DEATH RACE!!!” extreme pleasure to “DEATH RACE!!!” give this film five closeted man-boy clowns “DEATH RACE!!!” out of five “DEATH RACE!!!”

What We Learned:

Donkey: When you’re a not-quite-one hit wonder, it’s not just your cultural relevance but also time itself that stops for you until someone remembers who the hell you are decades later. Either that, or ICP are time-traveling harbingers of doom and unspoken man love.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: a much needed week off before returning with one of the most infamous shitty movies of all time…TROLL II.

Back To The Main Page.

Why would we fear the night if these were the good guys? Can't you even follow your own shitty logic?

Donkey: Of all the genres of movies, the one that I have the most mixed emotions about might be horror films. When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to watch horror movies and that was simply the end of the discussion. This was due to a combination of my parents’ natural attempts to shield their children from things that they thought would be too graphic until we were old enough to understand them, as well as my mother’s near complete dismissal of their value. If a movie is centered primarily around gore, she has no interest in it whatsoever. My father, on the other hand, didn’t quite feel the same way. He seemed to find the special effects required to create a particularly gruesome image a combination of fascinating and hilarious, and if there’s one thing about my father, it’s that he loves to share things that he thinks are hilarious regardless of whether or not you have the proper context. This is why if he rented a movie while my mother worked a night shift, we would wake us up and bring us down to the living room just to watch a particularly disgusting scene, only to laugh and send us right back to bed when it was over. So while I didn’t actually see A Nightmare On Elm Street III until I was around 26, I saw the scene where Freddy uses a kid’s veins to walk him around like a marionette when I was a kid and had never forgotten that image all through the years since.

Despite that glaringly inconsistent guarded approach, horror movies never really had much of an effect on me once I started watching them as a teenager, and I find that I have a love/hate relationship with them. Although there have been trends over the years in what style have been popular, like the teen slasher in the days of Scream or I Know What You Did Last Summer, or the Japanese horror films like The Ring and The Grudge, most horror movies seem to fall into one or two categories. They are either centered more on plot and psychological scares, where the unseen is more of a threat than what you can see, and then there’s the pornography of blood that comes when a movie is based almost entirely on gore and trying to make you throw up. Personally, I’m far more of a fan of the former than the latter. Few things in life scare me conceptually, but when they do, I usually will love them forever because of it. This week’s movie, Nightbreed, can’t be described by either of those two generalizations. It tries to be different. It tries to be thought provoking. And as you can probably gather from its appearance on this site, it fails miserably.

The Plot:

Donkey: Nightbreed is an odd little film to say the least. It’s the heartwarming tale of Aaron Boone, a serial killer who wishes that he could travel to a secret land of monsters, where all his sins would be forgiven and he could live out his life slashing and maiming to his heart’s content, I guess. It never really says much about that part. He’s tailed closely in his pursuit of this dream by a girlfriend who’s apparently got the lowest standards of any female in recorded human history, and a psychiatrist who has far more nefarious motives than any of them could imagine, unless any of them stopped and took the five required seconds to notice how goddamn creepy he is. But when Aaron actually finds the land of monsters, or the Nightbreed as they refer to themselves, will he find that the society that he’s leaving behind are the real monsters? No, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not spectacular shitheads, which I guess trumps being a monster. But really, everyone in this goddamn movie deserves to be buried up to their necks in dog shit and left to rot under the hot sun, so vilify whomever you want. Like this movie as a whole, it really doesn’t matter.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Donkey: As we soon discovered, nothing can prepare you for Clive Barker’s Nightbreed. Nothing except perhaps for the clips of the movie that they show while the title scrolls across the screen. With this kind of completely unnecessary recap coming before the movie has even started, I can only hope that Clive takes this bizarre choice even further and has a two minute recap for even twenty minutes of the film. That would actually probably help for those of us that are likely to be beaten into a coma by this blunt instrument of exhaustion of a movie.

Exhibit A: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go To Hell.

A man in the undies of a ten year old? Am I watching To Catch A Predator?

Our nightmare begins, very appropriately, with a nightmare. After dreaming of running through dark grasslands while being chased by snarling creatures in the dead of night, we are introduced to the film’s not-quite-hero, Aaron Boone, played by Craig Scheffer. That’s right, A River Runs Through It’s Craig Sheffer. I could hardly believe it myself. One could argue that Nightbreed actually earned this guy his role opposite of Brad Pitt in that film, but then I would have to insist that the role would have been equally deserved if he had won it out of a box of Count Chocula. Not that I’m inferring that he’s a bad actor, but this role is less of a vehicle to stardom than being the spokesman for NAMBLA. That being said, Boone snaps out of his rather tame dream to find himself in bed wearing tighty whities with his girlfriend, Lori, sitting over him. No wonder he’s having nightmares. If my balls were bundled up that tight, I’d probably spend an entire night dreaming that I was in the sterilizing grasp of The Testicular Cancer Anaconda. Seeing that her man has had another one of his nightmares, Lori suggests that the two of them get out of Calgary for a couple of days. I realize that most of you have probably never been to Calgary so you won’t appreciate the universal truth in that suggestion, be having been there myself, I couldn’t agree more. No matter what state your life is in, leaving Calgary couldn’t do anything up improve it. But why only leave for a couple of days? How about a couple of months? Perhaps I can interest you in a couple of decades? But barring a run from the desolate hellscape they find themselves in, she suggests that he go and see his shrink, a man named Decker.

I made Videodrome. It had James Woods in it. You're welcome.

But while Aaron journeys to that undoubtedly forgettable visit, the movie makes a quick detour into Murdertown, which I believe is a suburb of Calgary. A middle-aged couple ends up being slashed to death by a mysterious man in a mask who sneaks into their home and wreaks unholy vengeance, likely for forcing us to watch them make out at the beginning of the scene. But with that random bloodbath behind us, we finally catch up to Boone as he sits in the office of Decker, his psychiatrist played by the overrated director and exceptionally substandard actor, David Cronenberg. They discuss Boone’s recurring fantasy of returning to a place called Midian, a place where monsters go to have all their sins forgiven. Of course, the word ‘monsters’ can conjure up a lot of different imagery for people, ranging anywhere from the Wolfman to Grover, so let me clarify. Think My Pet Monster if he happened to like cutting himself while listening to Marilyn Manson and you start to get the idea. Decker assures Boone that Midian is an imaginary place like Candy Mountain or Kentucky, but murder is quite real. Unless you’re murdering fraggles, that is. Then it’s just hilarious. Decker then pulls out a set of pictures that the police brought to him. Apparently Aaron was describing these murder scenes in exact detail in previous sessions, which Decker thought was just a hallucination, but is now obviously very real. Aaron is understandably alerted – concerned, even – at the news that he’s probably a serial killer, so he asks Decker what to do. Decker hands him some unmarked pills, assuring Boone that he should take them and go confess to the police within twenty four hours.

Things don’t go according to plan, though, as we soon find Aaron wandering through the darkness of night in a haze, eventually ending up in a hospital where it’s discovered that the lithium that he thought he was taking was actually a high powered hallucinogen. Whoops. But if you’re going to sleep off a bad trip, what better place to do it than a hospital, right? Not quite. Aaron wakes up later in a bed to discover his roommate begging out their room’s window to no one in particular to take him to Midian. Well that’s an opportune coincidence, don’t you think? It turns out that this raving scab-eater whom we’ll refer to simply as Captain Hairline will be a rather pivotal character in Aaron’s shit custard of a journey. Aaron interrogates the chap, confirming that Midian is indeed a place where monsters go to take away their sins. When Aaron suggests that they go there together, Captain Hairline ends up under the false impression that Aaron has been sent to bring him there, which Aaron decides to roll with, saying that he would if only he knew where Midian was. Woudn’t you know it, it’s time once again for another amazing coincidence! Captain Hairline just happens to know exactly where it is, rambling out that the location is by Peace River. Armed with all the information that he needs to run headlong into a situation that he doesn’t really understand, Aaron tries to leave. Seeing him go, Captain Hairline comes to the conclusion that he obviously needs to prove his worth to earn his way into Midian by showing his true face. And to do this, he takes out two small blades and cuts off nearly his entire scalp in an attempt to rip his way down to that true face. Yeah, this Midian must be a great place. Sign me up. Recoiling in horror, Aaron backs off as nurses and doctors come running in. Not sure what to make of the psychopath that should, in theory, but a perfect representation of the society that he’s seeking to join, Boone turns to see Decker approaching the room and figures that it’s best to just run like hell.

What, wash this coif? Never. I'd sooner cut it all off in the most painful way you could dare me to.

And just to make this even more terrifying, this knife is infected with Hepatitis C.

Not convinced that the small sample of crazy that he’s already witnessed is quite enough proof that his plan is complete bullshit, Aaron ends up driving through the great Canadian wilderness. And to answer your question: he’s in a car at the time, not riding a yak. I know. Not what I expected either. His voyage comes to an end pretty quickly when he reaches a set of gates that he’s already seen many times in his dreams. He crosses through them to find a cemetery on the other side just as the sun begins to set. As one would naturally do after a long day of driving, Boone decides that now is an ideal time for a nap. Fuck yeah! What could possibly go wrong in the land of monsters…at night…in a cemetery? But even he couldn’t know the horrors that awaited him once the night unfolds. Smoke puffs out of a nearby vent in the ground which looks completely natural and in no way looks like someone just turned on a smoke machine to create ambience. Boone wakes to find himself face to face with the world’s most terrifying…puppy. I think it might be a pug, but I’m not sure. The terror! After making it out of that harrowing ordeal by shoo-ing the beast away, Boone wanders around and ends up finding the monsters that he was looking for. One looks like the result of Jay Leno convincing his banana mistress to get an abortion while the other looks like he could be the biggest star working in Japanese tentacle porn today. The two of them call Boone a regular human, denying his claims that deserves to be here because he’s killed people. They can smell innocence and conclude that whoever told him that he was a killer had lied. But rather than being overjoyed with the prospect of not being a brutal killer, Boone seems to pout at their proclamation. Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching the beginning of the video for Michael Jackson’s Bad, or even more awesomely, Weird Al’s Fat? You ain’t fat, Boone. You ain’t fat! However, being tempted by what could be considered virgin flesh in more way than one, the squid monster, whom we’ll call Chuck, decides to take a bite out of Aaron’s neck. Somehow surprised at the revelation of finding that monsters are aggressive, Aaron punches them both out and starts to run like hell. As he scrambles in a blind panic through the dark graveyard, Banana Leno decides to help Aaron to reach the gate before Chuck can finish making him an evening snack.

And yet, he's not a Bob Marley fan. Surprising, I know.

Even death can't stop the onset of hay fever.

But once he’s outside, things don’t get any better for Boone. As he wanders through the field outside of the graveyard, a bunch of car headlights suddenly blind him. Decker had apparently got the whereabouts of Midian from our good friend, Captain Hairline, and helped the cops to track Aaron down. As Decker comes forward to talk him down so that he can be arrested peacefully, Boone shares the revelation that he didn’t kill anyone. Showing his true colors of being the movie’s obvious douche bag, Decker tells Boone that he believes him just before he shouts back to the cops that Aaron has a gun. Apparently short on their quota of people that they’ve group-fucked with bullets this month, the cops immediately jump on the opportunity to open fire before Aaron makes the slightest move. The scene ends with a shot of the camera rising up into the sky while focusing on Aaron’s body, letting the full weight of his death sink into our hearts, ruined only slightly by the fact that the supposed corpse starts blinking about three seconds into the shot. Other than that, it’s INTENSE.

Exhibit B: Did We Say Monsters Were Scary? We Actually Meant Lovable!

At this point we found ourselves hoping that the movie was going to wrap up and actually turn out to be some shitty episode of Tales From The Crypt that someone released on video as a practical joke rather than a full length feature film, since Boone had found his much sought after land of mutant carnies only to be betrayed and murdered by his serial killer psychiatrist, Decker. But it is at this point that the movie decides to switch gears and turn it into an old fashioned game of ‘cat and mouse and fucking moron’. And our game begins when all the major players are brought into the Calgary police station. Aaron is being examined in the morgue while Lori is interviewed by Decker and a Detective Joyce, played by Hugh Quarshie or Captain Panaka from the Star Wars prequels as I will always know him. I’m not really sure why the hell a psychiatrist would be allowed to participate in a police investigation, but hey, why not?

So theoretically, would Boone have stayed dead if the coroner had just applied some rubbing alcohol to this wound?

From this point, the tale of Aaron Boone becomes about as palatable as a tire fire. Once the coroners leave their examination of his body for a moment, the bite wound that he received on his chest from the monster known as Chuck starts to pulse with light as he slowly begins to reanimate. Once he’s not quite alive again and finding himself with a powerful craving for rancid pork sandwiches, Aaron knows that there’s only one place to go. Once he manages to get back to the cemetery known as Midian, we find him entering its underground city with our favorite psychotic more in need of a toupee than Shatner, Captain Hairline. He and Aaron approach the resident monsters while Captain Hairline insists that there’s no other place on Earth that would take them in. I would have to agree. Not so much because of the undead thing mind you, but more from the fact that in this scene Aaron has decided to wear his leather jacket with no shirt underneath. If there’s anything that will earn you the well deserved title of social outcast faster than that, I don’t know what it is.

The two of us should hit a club after this and get crazy amounts of pussy.

Take it from me: when your parents check your Halloween treats for razor blades, they're not fucking around.

After being admitted into their city, Boone gets taken into a room where a bunch of monsters are gathered under the watchful eye of their leader, a monster that we’ll call Old Man Jenkins, mostly because I can’t be bothered to remember any of these useless shitheads’ names. There is a small amount of pomp and circumstance that takes place, or at least as much as there can be when you’re a city of genetic abortions living underground, before Aaron begins the process of joining them. He’s told that everything about his old life must be left behind, which at this point seems to serve no other purpose than to remind me that we don’t know a goddamn thing about his old life other than the fact that he had shitty taste in psychiatrists. But before he’s officially allowed into the club, Aaron must be judged by their god. Or in the more literal sense, he must stand still while Old Man Jenkins puts his hand in a bowl of boiling tapioca pudding until it glows golden. Then he places his glowing mitt on Aaron’s chest, leaving a palm mark. Aaron is scalded by it for a minute until it’s proclaimed that he’s officially allowed in the clubhouse. Elated at the news, all the monsters applaud his acceptance. Wait…clapping? Really? These bad ass monsters turned into a shitty glee club awfully fast.

And while Aaron is busy trying to work his way into the Loyal Fraternity of Sideshow Floor-sweepings, his girlfriend Lori is busy trying to locate his body every since it walked out of the morgue. Apparently a man that’s only two notches above a fourth grade drop out is so hard to find in Calgary that even if he’s an undead suspected serial killer, he’s still worth holding onto the herpes. As Lori takes to the road in an attempt to find Midian herself, she stops in a small town along the way. She ends up crying in the bathroom of a hotel bar where she meets a local skank named Cheryl, whom she bonds with instantly. The two of them end up doing the only thing that you can possibly do in some small godforsaken dump in the southern Alberta other than commit suicide: they get wasted. The next morning they meet up again in the same bar to fight off their hangovers when Cheryl reveals that she met a banker from Edmonton the night before, but since she won’t be meeting him again until that evening, she would be happy to drive Lori out to the fabled land of Midian. And moments later, that’s exactly where they arrive. Lori approaches the cemetery gates alone and crosses through them while the Cheryl cranks up some country music on the radio back at the car while smoking by a tree. But as she does her best to develop the lung cancer that will end this cursed existence, her new banker boyfriend rolls up in his vehicle to greet her, only to reveal that it’s the nefarious Decker.

It really stings when he gets it in your eye, huh?

I gotta tell you, I liked this thing more before it turned into a kid.

While her skank friend is most likely coming to a brutal end outside, Lori investigates the cemetery and comes across a bizarre cat monster lying in the sun. As it seems to be writhing in pain, Lori is beckoned by a strange woman who asks her to bring the monster over to her in a tomb. You know, for a secret goddamn society, these people are pretty fucking easy to find. Lori obliges and brings the monster into the tomb where it quickly turns into a young girl. After expressing gratitude, the mystery woman assures Lori that she knows why she’s come. But just as Lori asks if Aaron’s animated corpse had managed to make its way there, Old Man Jenkins wanders up into the tomb and puts an end to the conversation, declaring that the woman has already said too much. As Lori begs for answers, the monsters all wander down a staircase at the back of the tomb. But certainly not giving up now that she’s found this group of monsters so goddamn easily, Lori follows them down the staircase only to end up the darkness. There she runs into our old monster pal, Chuck. He gives her a proper scare with his bad manners, so she flees back to the surface and races back to the car. Apparently she was prepared to face monsters, but not prepared for them to be even the slightest bit scary. Well done. As she approaches the car, she finds Cheryl the Skank has been killed. And of course, she then runs into the now infamous masked killer who is waiting for her. Rather than maintaining any kind of mystery, the figure removes his mask to reveal his true identity to her. But then Decker let’s her go for some reason, so she hauls ass right back to the cemetery that she just came running out of. Realizing that maybe that wasn’t the brightest thing he’s ever done, Decker gives chase.

Hearing these events transpire from the secret city beneath the graveyard, Aaron vows that he will not just sit back and let Lori die. Despite the protests of his new monstrous brethren, Aaron refuses to relent and eventually goes as far as to begin kicking their asses until they let him go. He races up to the tombs with his faithful companion Captain Hairline nipping at his heels, and confronts his old shrink, Decker. They subdue him rather quickly, but then Aaron and he scalpless companion begin to argue about whether or not to take Decker’s balls, giving him a great opportunity to slip away. Naturally Aaron pursues him and does so while showing off his new undead monster form. In other words, as he’s running he becomes a slightly uglier version of himself. But as Aaron runs, Captain Hairline is left behind with the unconscious form of Lori. Apparently the Captain was a goddamn rapist in his natural life, as he straddles her right before she wakes up to see him hovering over her. Like anyone with any brain function above an overcooked carrot would do, Lori screams. And even though he’s closing in on his prey, when Aaron hears Lori cry out, he is forced to let Decker get away to come back and see if she’s okay. Once he arrives she has fainted again, leaving nothing more than Captain Hairline to stand and try to convince him that he wasn’t going to hurt her. What, this erection here? That’s nothing. I was going to offer that for her to use as leverage to help her off the ground then maybe for her to hang her purse on. Once Aaron is sure that Lori is safe, he returns to face the people that he disobeyed. Old Man Jenkins proclaims that he must take the girl and go, banishing Aaron back to the world of the “naturals”.

This is for all those hypnotherapy sessions where I woke up with that salty taste in the back of my throat while you were smoking a cigarette.

Meanwhile, having managed to get away from a situation that I’m not quite sure how he’d planned on walking away alive from in the first place, Decker wanders into a run down shack that couldn’t possibly pass for a gas station, even in southern Alberta. He borrows the phone and calls back to his secretary, whom arranges for Decker to meet with the cops at the closest station. Once he hangs up the phone, he has a quick conversation with the attendant who owns this hovel, asking about Midian. The man is apparently familiar with it, but has little interest in discussing it. When Decker leaves moments later, the dude seems frustrated to hear that Decker knows about Midian as he locks the front door. But of course just then he notices his back door is still open. As he goes to close it, Decker appears in his mask and cuts the dude’s hand off, before interrogating the dude about Midian and all its monsters, asking if they can die and how. It turns out that you can get the job done with bullets, fire, or various other things, depending on what type of monster it is. Before likely killing this random dude, possibly molesting his shoes, and leaving the scene, Decker declares that he’s here to destroy Aaron and the Nightbreed. It’s his destiny. If my life plan involved anything that astoundingly shitacular, I’d probably jump off the closest bridge.

Howdy, stranger. Welcome to the winner of Southern Alberta's Most Successful Business 1995!

Well I don't think I'll be touching any KFC for about a year...

Back at the aforementioned Midian, Lori wakes up in a casket in a room of bones. Wow. We couldn’t have picked a more dramatic place to leave her sleeping, could we? The strange woman and her daughter are there, and once Lori comes to, they reveal that she’s below the cemetery with the Nightbreed, a group of shapeshifters. The woman then complains that the world calls them monsters, but they do things like fly and turn into wolves and fog, all of which are things that all normal people would envy. To make more of a point than this random whining, the little girl then touches Lori and transfers a series of images into her mind, showing her a holocaust of freaks that is as gruesome as it is retarded. Lori snaps back out of the vision in tears, wanting to go see Aaron down in the Tabernacle, wherever the hell that is. The woman assures her that Lori can’t do that, saying that her entry is forbidden. Undaunted, Lori says, “we’ll see about that”. No sweetheart, I’m pretty sure it is. You can stomp your way down there, but I’m pretty sure that’s not going to stop them from making you face the consequences. That’s as stupid as saying, “A table saw will sever my penis if I try to have sex with it? We’ll just see about that…”. But despite her stubbornness being matched only by her glaring stupidity, Lori eventually begins to make her way down to see Aaron. On her journey through the underground city, she comes across a veritable freak show of monsters, the greatest of which is a thing that looks like a roasted chicken with a dude’s head in it’s stomach. What the fuck is that exactly, other than an image that will ruin many Christmas dinners for years to come? If these things are shapeshifters, does that mean that thing actually chose that shape? Eventually Lori comes across our good friend, the monster known as Chuck and his squid head of glory. He offers to make her one of the family, which I think he’s about to suggest can be accomplished through a series of elaborate blowjobs, before she runs away in horror. While this is going on, we see that Aaron has wandered into a room with some massive, fucking weird statue. What it is or what that means I have no idea, and the scene ends there.

Funny...I pegged them to be Catholics, myself.

As we come back to the situation a short while later, Lori’s journey continues as she stumbles into a room where Captain Hairline is dancing with a corpse. He tells her how Boone has now gone down to see the Beserkers, whatever the hell those are, warning her not to follow. Seeing as how good she is at listening, however, Lori continues on anyways. Eventually she comes to a point where a monster grabs her through a wall and pins her, where she would have likely met her end had another monster not come to her aid. She is eventually led down to see Aaron, who is still standing in the shadow of the massive statue. With that proper reunion, Aaron eventually leads her back up closer to the surface under the watchful eyes of the rest of the city. Once they finally make it back above ground, Lori begs Aaron to come with her back to the real world. Don’t even worry about that whole undead thing. I’m pretty sure that most of the night shift at Wal-Mart is comprised of zombies to save on overtime costs. Eventually, despite having finally made it to the city that he’s wanted to be in for so long and managing to be accepted into their ranks, Aaron agrees and the two of them leave the graveyard together.

Exhibit C: Sweet and Sour Jesus, Just Let It End.

Once he’s finished making love to the gas station attendant’s entire shoe collection, Decker finally arrives at the nearest police station where he meets up with Detective Joyce from the Calgary police and a local cop named Captain Eigerman. Decker announces to them both that Boone is still alive, hanging out in the cemetery that comprises Midian. Captain Eigerman, seeming rather unimpressed, says that he doesn’t need any of their help and can bring Boone in alone.

Behold, my terrible monster form which consists of shitty facial tattoos and glowing eyes! Horrifying!

The movie now switches over to a hotel where things get fairly bizarre. A random woman working the front desk yells for some dude named Arnie, before dropping something on the floor. She bends down to get it and when she comes back up to her feet, she finds what we can assume is Arnie’s head sitting on the counter. As she screams, Decker rises up behind her and stabs her. That seemed rather elaborate just to take out to random people working at a hotel, and there’s not a single thing about their death that seems to enable the rest of the scene. Elsewhere in that hotel, Aaron and his girlfriend go step into their room to make some amature pornography while Decker calls the cops from a phone outside. As Lori and Aaron look around their room to make sure that only their cameras will be capturing their freaky Steaming Cleveland session, she notices a strange hole in the wall that she peeks through to the next room. Something seems amiss, so Aaron goes into the next room to investigate, finding a group of brutally murdered hunters strewn about. He starts to transform into his monster form just as a SWAT team that Decker called for arrives. But then Aaron then suddenly takes a long lick at some blood before converting back to normal form just as the SWAT team breaks in. I guess steamingclevelands.com will have to wait a while longer for that new video.

I smell a buddy cop film...

Now that he’s been taken into custody, Aaron is hauled off to the local jail where Captain Eigerman gives him an exceptionally unimpressive beating that would likely do little more than inconvenience anyone other than an eight year old girl. It’s an exceptionally poor beating, and this is coming from someone who has seen A LOT of shitty fight scenes. Once Boone is left in his cell, Decker meets with the others back in the office where he declares that he’s going back out to Midian to rid it of the rest of the monsters. No one seems even remotely curious as to why a fucking psychiatrist is this involved with the entire thing, but instead Detective Joyce agrees, suggesting to Captain Eigerman that they go back out there. The Captain doesn’t argue, assigning a small group of men to head back out with Joyce. Meanwhile a doctor examines Boone and discovers that his pulse is as non-existent as his character development. And while I’m sure that’s a common ailment among the undead, I’m not really sure how he manages to have a rosy complexion without blood flow. Upon receiving the news, Captain Eigerman goes back into his office and starts screaming at Decker, asking him what the hell is going on. And just to add to the random quagmire that we find ourselves bogged in, a priest in the next cell tells Boone tells him that they’ll find a way to kill him, that he’s an abomination, and that he must die.While I don’t necessarily disagree with you, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

To take a break from this insanity and instead plunge into complete madness, we catch up to the group of cops that arrive at the Midian graveyard with Detective Joyce. They bust into a tomb and find one of the monsters, whom again is not particularly well hidden. They pull him out into the light, which causes him to turn to ash as the cops begin to beat him for no reason. His skin begins to bubble and then, just to kick the awesomeness up a few notches for no reason whatsoever, he FUCKING EXPLODES, much like the Dr Pepper that erupts from my mouth when that bullshit happens. Detective Joyce somehow figures it was the sun who did managed to kill this random monster. Passing out high fives over the job well done, moments later the cops reemerge from the cemetery to discover that their car has been torched. This was apparently the work of Captain Hairline and the old monster woman, who hastily speed into town in a car of their own. I’m not really sure what use a car is to a secret, subterranean society of monsters, but we’ll just go with it. Back at the police station, Captain Eigerman gets a call from his men about the torched car and grabs the priest out of the jail cell next to Boone, telling him that he’s needed.

Exhibit D: No, Seriously…End This. Please.

As the movie transitions to the town outside of the police station, suddenly we see that the whole town is forming a pose, arming themselves with a massive artillery. Apparently Clive Barker has never actually been to Canada. There aren’t that many guns in the entire country, let alone that town. As the ramble heads off to lynch them so freaks, Captain Hairline, the old woman, and Lori break into the jail to spring Aaron. They dispose of the guards rather quickly, just before Lori gets into Aaron’s cell and they start making out. Not just sharing a tender kiss, but seriously making out. As much as I appreciate that attempt at making me throw up, there’s more important shit going on right now, people. Might want to save that for later when she can actually find out that a lack of a heartbeat and zero blood flow should mean that Aaron is incapable of rising to the occasion, if you know what I mean.

Seriously, how hard is it to get laid in Calgary that this is your best option?

Once the pose makes its way out to Midian, they begin to spread gasoline and lay fuses. While all this is going on, Detective Joyce happens to peek into Decker’s bag and find the mask of the serial killer. But before he can alert anyone with his discovery, Decker quietly kills him in all the commotion. The pose finally sets off their grand explosion, which in turn begins to wreak havoc on the city below, which turns out to be more distasterous than anyone could imagine. Suddenly the ground begins to open, exposing the city to the surface. As monsters scramble everywhere to avoid a flaming death, Old Man Jenkins implores his panicked horde to stay, arguing that this is their home. Just then Aaron rushes in and says no, it’s time for them all to fight. And as if to queue some kind of bloody Benny Hill sketch, at this point things go completely nuts. While all kinds of shit is exploding and collapsing around them, the pose of cops and anal raping rednecks begins to shoot and kill monsters with wild abandon as all kinds of random fights errupt. There’s even a cop with a goddamn flame thrower running around. A flamethrower? Are you kidding me? What fucking police force has a goddamn flamethrower? Overcome by the wholesale slaughter, the priest tries to beg Captain Eigerman to stop the madness. Instead Eigerman almost kills the priest.

Canada's answer to crowd control.

As his people are being killed in mass numbers, Boone makes his way downstairs to find Old Man Jenkins again. Boone pleads for him to release the beserkers, which OMJ finally agrees to after conceding that his people aren’t warriors. What? Saying that they aren’t evil creatures who are out to terrorize the world is one thing, but don’t tell me these assholes can’t fight. This isn’t a goddamn preschool their running. And just to throw in another branch on this tree of bullshit, we see the priest make his way downstairs as well. where he gets the same bowl of boiling tapioca that Boone faced earlier in the film splashed onto his face, mutating him as he screams in agony. But as we turn away from the random character that we’ve only known for ten minutes and know nothing about, we turn back to Old Man Jenkins as he gets shot just before he can release the beserkers. But all is not lost as Aaron arrives to finish the job. As was suggested would be the case. The beserkers rush out and the tide of the battle begins to change. Now that they’re faced with real monsters, the humans begin to flee, much to the chagrin of Captain Eigerman, who starts to call them all cowards before trying to shoot his own men with an empty gun. As his tirade continues with him swearing that he’ll kill them all while demanding someone hand him a gun, the scene ends with one last punch to the balls as some random dude shoots a fucking rocket launcher at the attacking beserkers. Wow.

To lead my people in my holy name, you must stay celibate. Ha, just kidding! That would be retarded!

Back underneath all the fighting, Chuck takes Lori into a room with a bunch of shitty paintings on a wall, saying the the prophecy is true. Apparently Boone was supposed to be their savior, but instead Chuck insists that he’s their destroyer. It’s a little later for pathetic attempts at character development now, don’t you think? But while that’s happening, Decker and Boone find one another and begin their ultimate showdown on a rickety rope bridge, naturally. This might seem dramatic until you take even two seconds to remember that Boone is already dead, so by all means of logic this should be shortest fight on record. It’s not like Decker can kill him, which is proven at the end of the fight when Boone takes a machete through the chest without being so much as dropped to his knees. Seeing his opportunity to kill his opponent and share an awkward moment, Aaron grabs Decker and hugs him close, impaling Decker on the knife in his chest. Once the battle is over, Lori runs up and pulls the knife out for Boone, just as something calls his name. Lori asks him not to go, but Aaron says that he must as he’s responsible for all of this. He goes back down to the big fucking statue that he found earlier in the movie to find people waiting there. As he walks up to it, it comes alive and holds him, telling him that he’s destroyed their refuge, but that was inevitable. Boone must now build the monsters a new home to make up for the one he destroyed. The voice then says the Boone must find him, heal him, save him from his enemies before declaring that he’s no longer Boone, but is now called Cabal. Boone, Cabal, or Fuckwad – whichever you prefer to call him – is then dropped with the phrase echoing in his head, telling him to save the statue from his enemies. With that finished, the remaining monsters all leave as the place continues to explode and collapse. I understand the initial explosions, but what’s causing all these goddamn fires? Did they have a goddamn oil refinery under that cemetery? But finally, once the monsters have gotten a safe distance away, the whole thing goes up in one massive explosion.

This is my reaction when I think of a possible sequel too.

The movie ends with all the surviving Nightbreed in a barn somewhere in the night. Before leaving for destinations unknown, Cabal asks Captain Hairline how he’ll find him again. The Captain assures him that Cabal will find him, and that he’ll need him. I’m not really sure what for, other than as a grim reminder to shampoo and condition his hair on a regular basis, but I’m beyond asking questions at this point. But before the final curtain drops, the movie takes us back to the burning rubble of Midian where we find the deformed priest talking to the body of Decker. He says that he saw the monster god and that it burned him. Now he wants to burn it back. The priest reaches in and puts some of that same boiling tapioca into Decker’s body which, after a breif moment, causes him to reanimate. And with his scream, the movie ends. WHAT?

The Verdict:

Donkey: This movie is complete ass. I’ve had fever induced nightmares of being caught stealing a horde of pirate’s gold away from my high school gym teacher while he does push ups in a tub of coleslaw that make more goddamn sense than this movie. I’ve read different sites and message boards on the net, so I realize that there’s a large subsection of people out there that really like this film, but for the life of me, I can’t understand why. I have to assume that the book is much better than the movie, which I’ll grant is usually the case. But the movie misses the mark completely. I understand the whole “the monsters are actually good and it’s people that are really the douche bags” idea, but it’s just done so poorly here. If you’re going to try to make the monsters the sympathetic characters, then step one is to actually make them sympathetic. Not a single ‘monster’ in this movie does anything more heart warming than not killing someone, and if that’s the bar that you set for decency, then I’m goddamn Mother Theresa. No one shows this better than our good friend Captain Hairline. He’s a man so psychotic that he cuts off his own scalp at the beginning of the movie in an attempt to rip his entire face off, and once he’s established as a ‘good guy’, he instead does shit like dancing with a corpse to show that he’s not actually any different than we had thought. Yeah, he’s a regular Edward Scissorhands. Granted the humans in this movie are bigger fucksticks than the monsters, but that doesn’t exactly make anyone on either side endearing. It just means that a bunch of assholes that I don’t care about are killing each other. And as much as I could say that this movie might have been a good concept that was simply executed poorly, that wouldn’t be a problem if it just held to most basic quality of any movie and was actually entertaining. But goddamn it, this movie is boring. Watching it again just to write this review was goddamn painful. Not TMNT III painful, but painful nonetheless. Therefore I’ve got no choice but to give this movie half a scalpless wonder out of five complete wastes of my time.

What We Learned:

Donkey: If you think something is under your bed when you hear that bump in the night, fear not. Chances are that even though it’s likely some asshole who was willing to face the pain of cutting his own face off to gain access to a secret society of monsters, he’ll cry and run if there’s a hillbilly nearby.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: our most ambitious undertaking to date as we pit our throwing star skills against all five iterations of THE AMERICAN NINJA QUINTILOGY.

Back To The Main Page.

This movie is so goddamn lazy that their tagline is the fucking title with two words on the front.

Donkey: There are certain senses that we just can’t explain. One of them is the very basis of this site: the sense of humor. Although we can share the moments that resulted in Diet Vanilla Cherry Pepsi Jazz spit takes and tell you why they caused intestinal rupturing laughter and a mild case of Jazz Hands, we can’t actually make you find it funny. You’ll either join us in seeing the hilarity in two grown men practicing their illegal street racing techniques in go-karts or you won’t. Similar to this is the sense of fear. We all have things that fill us with dread for reasons that we can’t fully explain and others can’t understand. I’m not entirely sure why clowns, ventriloquists’ dummies, and Bronson Pinchot make me want to curl up into the fetal position and cry for Captain N to come save me, but they do. If you’re one of those few iron clad souls who doesn’t happen to share my dread, then those particular things will come across as pedestrian at best or flat out tedious at worst. Enter Evil Behind You.

As best I can guess, this movie tries to scare you. The problem is that if you don’t find shitty computer generated character models or intense boredom scary, you’re in for little more than a full out assault on your ability to maintain consciousness. So barring a deep phobia of refreshing naps, this movie will completely miss the mark. And while a movie failing to scare its audience is certainly not uncommon, it’s how badly this movie fails in every way imaginable that makes it truly remarkable.

The Plot:

Donkey: There are a lot of things you could accuse Evil Behind You of having, but I’m not sure that a plot is one of them. The entire film takes place primarily in two non-descript rooms, detailing the droning exploits of four idiots with random and completely unnecessary flashbacks thrown in for good measure. The entire experience of watching this movie can be summed up by imagining two people screaming, “There’s something behind you!” “No there isn’t, you asshole! Oh wait, maybe there is! My bad!”

That’s it. Seriously, that’s the plot. Sure there’s something about a serum, a doctor being held by terrorists, and an alternate dimension or some shit like that, but that’s all just filler which couldn’t have less of a point if it was replaced by footage of the director feeding his fish while singing More Than A Feeling.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

You see this brain, kids? You won't be needing this for a couple of hours.

Donkey: If nothing else – and trust me, there will be absolutely nothing else – you can applaud the producers of Evil Behind You for knowing what an audience wants. This is why the adventure that they’ve laid out before us this week begins with what all the kids are clamoring for…an educational video! It’s supposed to have been created by a professor that went missing soon after it was made in the 1950’s, documenting his discovery of an alternate dimension operating within ours. That being said, asking Evil Behind You to do something as simple as fabricating a shitty video from the 50’s is clearly on par with asking it to find a cure for cancer while wrestling a rabid tiger to the ground, as this particular one looks like it was filmed about three weeks ago. Regardless, the doctor blathers on about the existence of the other dimension, saying that its beings are aware of us even though we’re not aware of them. And to preemptively negate any of the infinite number of accusations that he’s fucking insane, the doctor declares that this is reality even if we can’t see it, giving a not entirely relevant example of ice, water, and steam being the same thing existing in three different states. And just to give some real scientific meat to his rad hypothesis, he starts to ask us questions about things that we’ve all experienced, but have never thought much about due to the fact that we’re not terminally shitheaded. “Have you ever sensed an eerie presence? Have you ever turned when you heard a noise and found nothing was there? Have you ever seen something out the corner of your eye, only to discover it’s nothing?” Oh wait, even more awesomely, have you ever started drawing a picture of He-Man fearlessly riding Battle Cat into an army of mermen led by a cyborg Skeletor engulfed in flames, only to black out and wake up lying on a picture of Father O’Shea touching your bathing suit area? Even though the simplest of brains would consider those situations to be meaningless, the doctor gives you another theory: aliens, bitch. And just to prove that he and his nutjob theory aren’t fucking around, he reveals that he’s injected himself with a serum that should allow him to move between dimensions. The film then ends soon after, as he appears to become nearly as agitated as I’m quickly becoming with watching this movie.

Oh man...am I waking up in an industrial room after a drunken night of lesbian love AGAIN?

As that ass wad of a prologue fades away while leaving the taste of undigested peanuts in our mouths, the movie can now begin. The first scene opens in one of the two rooms that comprise the entire set of this film, which we will henceforth very cleverly refer to as The Room. In it, two women, Lisa and Deborah, regain consciousness only to discover that they don’t know where they are or how long they’ve been there, wondering aloud if they’ve been drugged. Unless they’re raging alcoholics who black out on a regular basis, I’d say that’s a safe bet. But then, they didn’t make that assumption right away themselves, so I guess that says a lot about their character. They stand up and take a remarkably long time to notice that David and Tony, their respective significant others, are lying handcuffed in hospital beds right in front of them. Upon further investigation, they discover that the men have had some kind of surgery done on them, or their one ear at least, and they’re all locked in The Room with nothing but a two way mirror. So the movie is kind of like Saw, only we’ve replaced Leigh Wannell with a girl who looks like she got cast solely for how close a bra can push her boobs to her chin while Cary Elwes is replaced by three other people who will bring new meaning to the phrase “Oh my God, shut the fuck up or I’ll reach through this screen and beat you to death with your own glaring lack of talent”.

She totally robbed the cradle. Of course, she was old enough to still be in one at the time, but that's not important.

As her husband Tony begins to wake, Deborah formally introduces the two of them. In response, Lisa introduces herself and her still unconscious boyfriend David. Then to make unnecessary and pointless small talk, Lisa asks if Tony is Deborah’s husband, which Debbie confirms before dickishly proclaiming that yes, there is an age difference between them. Apparently Tony is supposed to be significantly younger than Debbie, but the movie didn’t see fit to cast people far enough apart in age to possibly see that. It’s not that these two roles had to be played by Betty White and Macaulay Culkin, but come on. You can do a little better than people who look like they’re separated by a two year age gap at best. With the introductions out of the way and not so much as a single line to set up any kind of transition, it’s time for…

Unnecessary Flashback Number 1: The movie suddenly whitewashes to a scene where Lisa is sitting on a living room couch while her sister screams on a phone at what is either her boyfriend or her favorite john. They argue over what one has to imagine is either anal sex or a Dirty Sanchez, as she yells, “I just don’t like it when you do that” and “I’m not the prude, you’re the pervert”. After she begs the dude/possible talking horse not to leave her and offers to go to counseling with him, he finally hangs up on her. With that, her sister’s rage boils over to a comically ridiculous level as she turns to Lisa and screams that Lisa was never there when she needed her. She might be trying to make up for it now, but it’s too late. The sister tries unsuccessfully to call the dude/imaginary friend back, then throws her cell and screams, “I wish I was dead!” Lisa goes to pick up the phone and say a little prayer for her sister, asking that the Sweet Chili Jesus not make her sister pay because of her. At this point when we first watched this movie, we had no idea what the fuck was going on and were not prepared for the laughter required to make it through what happened next. Apparently Jesus wanted to respond to Lisa’s request for mercy with a big old fuck you, as suddenly we hear a gunshot and the camera switches over to a pair of feet hanging out a doorway, implying that the sister was lying dead after she just made her own wish come true instead. What? Suicide? Over an argument with your boyfriend?

She took the midnight train going anywhere...YEAH!

As we return from that arbitrary vision of the past and arrive once again in The Room, Tony begins what will essentially be an hour long freak out. He becomes inexplicably cold and swears that there’s someone in the room, first behind him, then at the end of the bed, then in the sheets with him. As Debbie struggles to calm him and show him that no one is there, Lisa starts to freak out herself and tries to wake up her boyfriend, David, for comfort. And with that, it’s time for…

I add nothing to this movie.

Unnecessary Flashback Number 2: The movie transitions to a scene where some dude tells David that he has to go back and deal with the past, not bury it. And that’s it. That’s fucking it. Was that a shrink? A pastor? A concerned drifter that’s camping out on his couch? The movie doesn’t explain it, because like everything else in this film, it really doesn’t matter.

As David wakes up to find himself, his girlfriend, and two assholes in The Room, Tony suddenly feels better without reason. Lisa and Debbie argue about whether or not the fifth person in the room, a guy that they’ve discovered over on another bed on the other side of Tony, is infected before finally noticing that there is yet another guy in the room, lying in a bed just to the left of David. After arguing about whether or not the two new dudes are infected with God knows what, thy check both the mystery dudes’ conditions. As Lisa tentatively approaches the guy in the bed, he moves slightly, the girls both scream in unison, and it suddenly cuts to…

Unnecessary Flashback Number 3: Now we visit two girls late at night in their bedroom with Uncle Joe, the uncle that apparently likes to express his love with his penis. As he tells one girl that she looks pretty tonight in her pretty pajamas, the other girl turns away. And that’s where the scene, thankfully, ends. I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be Lisa and her sister, but they didn’t once refer to each other by name, so far all I know, that could be completely unrelated to this movie.

As we unfortunately return to The Room and its four inhabitants, the movie decides that it’s time to spice things up, since this whole fucking ordeal has gotten quite old by this point. And nothing spices up a situation like blatantly unmotivated conflict! Deborah literally hits a mental switch, going from ‘Reasonable Human Being’ to ‘Psychotic Thunder Twat’, calling Lisa both stupid and subservient within a five minutes span. And sure, that creates some awkward tension, but it’s not quite to the point of being retarded yet. Let’s kick it up a notch further. While this is going on, Tony starts freezing again and tells them to take the blanket off one of the two random dudes and give it to him. Rather than help her husband in any way, Debbie waits for Lisa to comply and bring the blanket to Tony instead. As she tucks it in around him, Tony shows all the class that I’d expect out of someone named Tony and hits on her by saying he’s getting warmer now while staring at Lisa’s tits. He gets slapped by Debbie, of course, and threatened by David. But before they can really stop to think about how much of a fucking moron he is, Tony changes the subject by sitting straight up in bed and once again saying that there’s something in there. After dismissing him as the moron that he is, David suddenly feels the same thing, also claiming that there’s something behind him. So the two of them alternate having hissy fits for the next couple of minutes, with both men scream that someone’s in the room only to calm down again and proclaim that the mysterious presence has gone away moments later. And just in case their constant screaming wasn’t bad enough, Debbie continuously screams back at her husband that there is no one there. Listening to a goddamn car alarm going off is less infuriating than this garbage.

Hahahahaha...BOOBIES! Yay!

Your problem is that this top doesn't match your complexion, Silly Billy.

Just as this movie is getting too goddamn tiresome to even write about anymore, we’re introduced to a pointless crew of supporting cast members. A group of Middle Eastern terrorists stride into The Room, led by a white doctor who examines Tony to try to stop all the goddamn yelling while muttering to himself that it’s not supposed to be like this. Once the group eventually begins to shuffle out again, David demands to know why the doctor is helping them. The doctor says that he has no choice as he’s ushered away in handcuffs at the command of an exaggeratedly evil Middle Eastern voice that shouts over an intercom. David calls bullshit, exclaiming that there’s always a choice. Yeah, that’s pretty easy to say when you’re not on the business end of an assault rifle, tough guy. Hey, you know what we haven’t had in a while? Yep, you guessed right. Time for…

Unnecessary Flashback Number 4: This time we see Lisa sitting by a pool with David, telling him that it was her fault that her sister was molested as a kid by their uncle. She should have told someone. Bringing all the untalented sympathy that he can to the scene, David says that no one should have to go through that, that Lisa has to stop blaming herself. Lisa responds to his palpable lack of acting abilities with all the emotion of a chunk of petrified turd, saying that her sister would still be alive if it wasn’t for her. David assures her that if she wants to blames someone, she should blame Uncle Joe instead of herself. Lisa shakes her head, saying that she doesn’t blame Joe because he was sick…she blames God because he could have stopped it, but he didn’t. Wow. I didn’t realize that she was seven years old. Santa Clause didn’t stop her either, you know. Maybe you should spread some hate his way. And I’m pretty sure that it’s always good to blame Gary Busey for pretty much anything, so you might as well add him to the list. But that little nugget of brilliance is where the scene ends.

Fuck, this movie is going nowhere. Hey, you two...time to get nearly naked for no reason.

As we come back to The Room, the four idiots plead to the mirror to let them go. A few seconds later the scene transitions to the movie’s only other set, a room that’s on the other side of that mirror. We’ll refer to this room as The Lab since they’re doing some apparently scientific things in it. The doctor argues with the terrorists that are holding them all captive that he can’t do his work while he’s shackled up. So who are these terrorists, and where the hell did they come from? What is it that they’re after? Are they trying to find a way to mine plutonium out of captive stupidity? Or are they using the doctor to come up with a new formula for Five Alarm Chili so that they can travel from county fair to county fair, winning chili cook-offs for the glory of Allah? I have no idea, but there is one thing I do know: I could go for some chili right about now.

This is either a fierce submission hold or she's holding back Debbie's arm so she doesn't puke on it.

Back to in The Room, tensions continue to run high purely for the sake of having some kind of dialogue rather than having all the characters stare blankly at one another. Debbie and Tony argue about how it’s his fault that they’re in this mess, Debbie tells Lisa that she’s dressed like a whore, and Lisa calls Debbie a cradle robber. The whole thing comes to a ridiculous end when Lisa turns to face David at his request, only for Debbie to grab her hair, yelling that Lisa should never turn her back to her. With reaction speed as fast as you’d expect from a senior citizen taking their first self defense class at the old folks’ home, Lisa puts Debbie in an arm bar only to immediately apologizes for doing so, to which Debbie says that she should be sorry. Seriously, I just want to repeatedly try to put my head through a brick wall right about now. What is the goddamn point of all of this? Lisa finally turns back to David, who tells her that it’s his fault that they’re there, that he had an alternate motive for bringing her wherever the hell it is they were going. Oh shit. You know what this means. Time for…

Unnecessary Flashback Number 5: David shows up at someone’s door, which is answered by a young couple that we’ve never seen before and that the movie doesn’t bother to introduce. David says that he didn’t come hurt anyone and the scene ends. Once again that was as short at fifteen seconds long as it was pointless. Seriously, at this point watching this movie is more frustrating than being tea bagged by some screeching ten year old Halo player online.

In the name of Allah, the one true prophet, I will now rock the mic.

As our waning attention turns right back to The Room and I begin to weep uncontrollably, Tony lurches out of bed saying that someone’s there again, prompting David to agree and for Debbie to tell him to shut the fuck up. The scene then cuts to the doctor and the terrorists who are watching from The Lab, where the doctor says that something’s going wrong, that his equipment is showing that there’s too much brain activity. Buddy, if there’s one thing that is not involved in this goddamn movie, it’s brain activity. The doctor concurs with the two screaming assholes on the beds, saying there must be something else is going on in that room. As the four balls of cock snot turn to the mirror and demand to know what they did to deserve this, the doctor explains to the terrorists that all this mayhem won’t allow them to get the results they want from the serum. The terrorist leader, whom some amazingly fucking clever screenwriter named Abdul, gets on the intercom and tells the four shitheads to calm down, that their freaking out is going to jeopardize the test. When Lisa shouts back that they don’t care about the test, he says they had better, because they’re going to just keep going until someone gets it right.

Ah yes, the fatal chair-to-the-knee attack. Take that, Rowdy Roddy Piper!

As the four douche troughs try to compose themselves, Tony demands to know if David feels the same presence in the room that he does. David agrees, telling Lisa to get behind him. Before she can comply, the body of the dude who had been passed out/dead on the floor this whole time sits up and starts growling, snapping his handcuffs before jumping on Tony and proceeding to begin kicking his ass. As Debbie once again proves her undying love by doing absolutely nothing, Lisa comes to Tony’s aid by beating the random assailant to death with a metal chair with all the viciousness of teenage boys reenacting a shitty WWE match. Once she’s finished, David tries to comfort Lisa out of her murderous rampage while she declares that they’re not lab rats and pulls the electrodes off David’s head. Back in The Lab, the doctor says that he can’t tell what’s going on if he doesn’t have the equipment plugged into the subjects. Abdul concedes the point, so the doctor gets on the intercom and tries to calm them down, explaining to the four dildos that the two men have been infected with a new strain of bacterial meningitis that would normally destroy their brain in 24 hours. They need the equipment hooked up properly in order to survive. And of course, now that there’s a moment that could only be described as totally fucking unrelated, the movie cuts to…

Unnecessary Flashback Number 6: It’s time to ride along in vague disinterest as Lisa visits her dead sister’s grave to clear her conscience. After once again professing that it’s her fault, that she should have found a way to stop Uncle Joe, Lisa says that she can’t hold on any longer. She explains to the grave stone that she’s got a new guy in her pointless life now and she can’t keep pulling away from him, so she’s come to ask her sister what she would want for her. After a moment of silence, Lisa shakes her head and says that she didn’t think God would let her sister answer. You know, I think when you stop and consider that she was screaming about how everything was your fault just before she blew her own fucking head off, your sister has pretty much already shared her thoughts on the subject.

Once that bullshit is done, the scene cuts back to The Lab with such terrible editing that they might as well have cut out and returned right in mid sentence as the doctor explains that the serum they injected the men with should cure them. He then saunters into The Room to connect the equipment back up to David where he shares a few moments of aimless dialogue with the four thespian disgraces before heading back into The Lab. Once he leaves, the tired routine of Tony and David sensing a presence while Debbie tries to shout the idiocy out of them begins anew. All the while they are being monitored back in The Lab where the doctor soon discovers that the hostile bacteria that they were injected with is dead and their brain cells are regenerating. This delights the terrorists, as that apparently means they have a vaccine that they can use on themselves for the bacteria should they decide to unleash it, provided that they don’t mind going batshit crazy when they take it. Being reminded of their intentions, even though we have no goddamn idea what the are, the doctor begins to protest, only to have them ensure his continued cooperation by reminding that they’re holding his son hostage in another location. Damn those evil non-Christian, non-white stereotypes!

They continue to try to find ways to fill out the movie with artificial tension, this time with the two girls arguing over whether or not to preemptively kill the other random dude in the gurney before he wakes up and possibly attempts to kill them. But before that issue is given the proper debate that it deserves, David decides that now’s finally the time to let Lisa in on his dark secret. He tells Lisa that the real reason they came wherever the hell they are is because he needed to see Jenny. What? Who? Apparently not nearly as confused by this fucking curveball as we are, Lisa reminds David that he had said at some point in the past that he didn’t love Jenny anymore. He says that he thought he didn’t, but he had to see to be sure. I think you know what’s coming…

So, now that the air's clear between us all...want to get drunk and make some bad decisions?

Unnecessary Flashback Number 7: David sits down in the home of Jenny and his old best friend, whom ran away together right before Jenny and David were to be married. Confronting them face to face over the ocean of pain that they have caused them, David makes a horrible production of fake sniffing in a poor attempt to make it look like he’s crying. Either that or he’s allergic to his own bullshit. David opens up and reveals to the two traitors that they hurt him so much that now he can’t trust someone that he loves because of them. In response, the two day players say that they never meant to hurt him, they just love each other so much that their passion couldn’t be denied. The three of them ask for each other’s forgiveness, clearly only moments before they’re about to whip out a guitar and sing Kumbaya.

With that shallow yet tender moment of forgiveness coming to a close, our focus returns to The Room where Debbie heckles David’s story, saying that he’s obviously fucking around on Lisa. David tries to tell Lisa more, likely how they had a freaky three way lubefest soon after the end of that story, but he’s once again interrupted as Tony lurches out of bed. And since this goddamn routine never gets old, we go ahead and watch as he and David feel a presence while Debbie tells him that there’s nothing there and to just shut the hell up. But just to change things up a little, Tony lurches forward again, declaring that water MUST kill it. Well obviously. Who wouldn’t immediately think that ordinary tap water would kill an evil, invisible presence? He retrieves a cup of water from the small table beside his bed and throws it at nothing. As no one could have possibly imagined, nothing happens. Clearly exasperated at lack of success with this single thing that he tried doing, Tony flops back down and declares that nothing will work.

Wait, I know how to make them go away...Hey phantom, can you spare a quarter?

No seriously, I'm crying.

Meanwhile, back in The Lab, the terrorists watch the four ass warts with mild interest, finding their acts of insanity rather entertaining. The doctor then begins to beg to talk to his captive son for a moment, just to verify that he’s still alive, and Abdul decides to oblige him. Once Abdul makes the call and hands him the cell phone, the doctor does an exceptionally poor job at pretending to sob while he has a brief conversation with his son, which ends with him reassuring that the boy’s mother can’t come to the phone, but that she loves him very much. And just in case you’re wondering what he’s talking about, which we are all very clearly NOT, let’s bring on…

Unnecessary Flashback Number 8: To really hammer home the obvious, both that this movie is far more awful than it is subtle and that it has no budget, it then flashes back to a scene in The Lab where the doctor and his wife are struggling with the terrorists, just before they shoot her dead in front of him. THANK YOU, Evil Behind You, for spelling that out for me. I thought the doctor meant that his wife couldn’t come to the phone because she was busy on another line, talking to Dionne Warwick’s Psychic Friends. Don’t I look quite the fool now?

If you do not help us, Rahim and Ackbar here will pleasure your wife in ways you will never live up to.

Things continue to escalate back in The Room. Tony and David agree that there are more of them now. Not to be outdone, Debbie steps up her shitty efforts and yells even more for them to shut the hell up with some of the worst acting we’ve ever seen. The story finally starts to progress to the point where we can see an end coming, however, as moments later Tony has somehow gained the ability to touch the phantoms, even managing to kick one off the edge of his bed. But just as it looks like he might be put his two weeks of karate lessons from the local community center to good use and kick some serious invisible ass, Tony senses one of the creatures behind him, which decides that now’s finally a good time to bite him on the neck. After some exceptionally unconvincing thrashing about, our beloved Tony dies. But within seconds, just before we could pause the movie and finalize our plans to hold a small impromptu funeral service for our beloved ingrown scrotum hair, Tony regenerates in the same way that the random dude did earlier in the movie, breaking his shackles and getting out of bed to go on a murderous rampage. He charges Debbie first and using the power of bad special effects, he strangles her to death. Well, one assumes that he does since they show her feet just off the ground and kicking a little, but never actually show him holding her up by the throat. Once she dies to a round of our cheers, Tony moves on to attack David. But just as he’s climbing onto the bed, two terrorists come in and shoot him. Game over, right? Well he still manages to turn and kick their ass, but finally dies shortly thereafter.

Before Lisa and David have so much as a moment to celebrate the fact that their roommates have finally been put out of their misery, the one remaining random dude in the room suddenly turns zombie as well, rising up from the bed next to him to attack David. Wait, what the fuck took this dude so long? He’s has been lying there for well over an hour now, whereas Tony got a hankering for some brain-eating within two minutes of biting the big one. Regardless, in response to the new assault, David puts his legs up around the guy’s throat and executes what has to be one of the most pathetic attacks recorded on film, making a lazy twisting motion that I guess is supposed to be him breaking the guys neck. The nameless extra falls to the floor for a moment, seemingly dead from that attack that even a newborn kitten would call totally pussy, before he springs back up a moment later. As the random dude tries to resume his attack, he’s shot dead by Lisa, who took the gun off one of the terrorists.

But again, before they can rest on their laurels, David detects more of the phantoms in the room. Right about now, the movie decides that it’s time to reveal the beasts. He points out that he can see them standing over Debbie’s body. It then cuts to a shot of Debbie’s corpse on the floor, being stood over by two of the worst computer generated character models of monsters I’ve ever seen. But now that we’ve had a taste of this shit sandwich, the movie decides to jam it down our throats. David starts seeing the monsters everywhere, including one that is standing over Tony’ s corpse. And just to take it to a new level of craziness, Tony suddenly appears in ghost form, stepping away from his carcass only to be dragged into the ground by a badly animated fiend. Debbie and the random dudes share the same fate one after the other, causing David to conclude that they’re demons, dragging them all down to hell. I might be inclined to agree, provided that those “demons” were even close to looking like they’re actually touching any of them. I’d say it looked more like they were beginning to slide down invisible slides while a shitty Slayer laser show was going on around them.

This would honestly look better if it was claymation.

Watching these retarded events from the safety of The Lab, the doctor starts rambling to the terrorists about his presence there somehow being the result of divine intervention. He goes on to explain that his father was the professor in the shitty video at the beginning of the movie who had proven that another realm existed and was killed to conceal the evidence. When the terrorists grow as tired of his ranting as I am, they threaten him and urge him to shut the hell up. But he says that they’ve run into something more important than any of them, that it’s now a God thing. They smack him and tell him to keep working. Working? On what? What the fuck is he even doing?

The movie shifts our attention back to The Room for a moment, only long enough for David to ask Lisa to pray for him and for her to refuse. Sigh. The tone of the movie begins to shift so drastically at this point that it’s almost like you can see the thought process of its producers: Hey, wait a minute…this movie sucks. Who the hell would watch this pointless drivel? Hey, let’s insert as many references to God as possible into the final scenes to make it a “Christian” movie. They’ll watch anything that says Jesus enough times.

Back in The Lab, Abdul gets off the phone, one can only imagine having just finished talking to someone in Sprint’s support center about switching his long distance plan, and without explanation tells the others to get Lisa’s purse from wherever they were keeping all their hostages’ stuff stashed. They do moments later and end up pulling out what looks like a shitty cell phone. Abdul declares that they’ve been tracked this whole time. Their position is compromised, so they must take everything and go. Who would be tracking them? And why? They’re holding four assholes, two random dudes, and one rather unimpressive doctor. Somehow I don’t think alarms bells are going off at CIA headquarters for any of these people. After setting his group in motion, Abdul tells his second in command that he’s going to stay and destroy everything as to not leave any evidence behind. He pulls out a shitty looking bomb and declares that they have ten minutes to get the hell out. Sweet. One way or another, this pain will all end in ten minutes.

In The Room, things continue to go from ridiculous to insulting, as shitty Doom characters jump out of the walls around the last remaining couple. As David warns Lisa of the gathering menace, she tells him the he must fight them. Um, okay. He’s chained to a fucking bed, lady. How about you cut him some slack? He says that he can’t fight them, not without God’s help. Right…what? When she asks if He’s going to help, David says that he doesn’t know, but he needs Him right now. At that point the demons decide to go ahead with their fiendish attack, first by walking up and starting to paw harmlessly in the general direction of Lisa while David tries to shoo them away. It might come across as threatening if it looked like these animated disasters were actually touching her or at least trying to, but they’re fumbling is not exactly what I’d call precise. In the face of this impending doom, David declares that he’s going to go to hell, explaining that he just doesn’t believe enough. Suddenly the doctor shouts words of encouragement over the intercom, saying that David must take heart in the fact that Christians can’t be possessed. What? Seriously? Has this guy never seen a possession? You don’t tend to see too many Buddhists suddenly claiming to be possessed by agents of a pitchfork wielding man in red pajamas. It’s pretty much exclusively Christians. If anything, David should take heart in the fact that bad actors can’t be possessed because they simply aren’t equipped with the necessary skills to convey the situation. And just to prove how fucking stupid that assurance was, moments later David finally gets possessed. But since we’re running short on time, he literally gets up as a zombie and tries to kill Lisa within five seconds. As she struggles to fend off his awkward advances, much like I’d imagine she’s quite used to doing every second or third night, the doctor convinces the terrorists to let her into The Lab to get away from her murderous boyfriend. He then starts shouting/rambling about Jesus and demons, seeming to either be starting the world’s shittiest sermon or dismissing a possession. I’m not really sure where the hell any of that just came from. The terrorists are as impressed as I am, and decide it’s probably best for everyone to shoot him in the goddamn chest. Moments later a couple of the terrorists go out to similarly shoot David, which despite being hit multiple times, miraculously leaves only a spot of blood that’s no bigger than it would be it he had accidentally cut himself with a grapefruit spoon.

Long ago, someone actually convinced her that florescent lights were God.

God earns 365 gold. But the gold slime runs away!

As David lays dead on the floor, Lisa runs over, verifies that he’s dead, and then looks at the ceiling and gives God a stunningly tedious speech about how He’s taking everyone from her. Almost as if he was sent by The Almighty to shut her the fuck up, David suddenly revives and tells her how much he loves her. He then says, “Christ, forgive me for wasting so much time”. Well at least someone involved in this production acknowledges that this goddamn movie is a waste of everyone’s life. He then turns to Lisa and says, “Please don’t hold this against God” before asking for his jacket. She covers him with it and once again he dies. Eventually David’s soul steps away from his body and is surrounded by demons, like all the others before him. But as he calmly sits there in the midst of them, a fucking sword flashes out of nowhere and smites the demons. Sweet mother of Christ, none of us were prepared for that kind of hilarity, unlike David, who doesn’t appear to be surprised by the events in the slightest just before he ascends while bathed in white light. But just to drag this bullshit out even further, he comes back down seconds later and sits down behind Lisa as she finds the engagement ring he had for her in his jacket. She takes a really LONG GODDAMN TIME to put it on and says, “I do…I so do” to fucking no one. Taking one last moment to look like he’s spanking it onto her back in celebration, David then ascends again. So to make that clear, he came back after dying three goddamn times. Please…no more…

Mmmm...you smell just like your mother.

Having once again decided to just stand back and watch this horrifically shitty tableau play out, the terrorists finally wonder what really happened and go to fetch Lisa. But just then the doctor decides to reveal that he too is not dead, jumping on Abdul’s back and wrapping his handcuffs around his throat while Lisa kicks the ass of his second in command when he appears in The Room to retrieve her. Having Abdul rather poorly subdued, the doctor makes him call and tell his compatriots to let his son go. He then positions himself while continuing to struggle with Abdul on the floor to hit a buzzer that opens the door for Lisa using his foot. After taking her sweet time to get moving, she runs in and finds the doctor, who tells her to get out of there before the bomb goes off. But before he gives his life to make sure that she can escape, he asks her to find his son and take care of him now that he and his wife will both be dead, adding that he doesn’t want his son to hold this against God. Fuck, are you kidding me? That just doesn’t seem even remotely appropriate at this point. Lisa then gets the Abdul’s keys from his pocket and the vaccine out of the doctor’s before she flees for safety while Abdul and the doctor continue to cuddle on the floor.

To put the final garnish on this dookie platter, the movie shows Lisa driving away in what we presume is Abdul’s SUV. Succumbing to her need to rawk, she turns on the radio, only to get a mix of love songs, I’m sorry you’re dead songs, and religious crap. Man, this really isn’t your day, huh? Just in case anyone cares what’s happening back in The Lab, the movie shows the timer on the bomb count down to zero and then simulates an explosion by flashing the back of Lisa’s head with a flashlight.

That's totally an explosion. Or a car behind her. Either way, really.

I'm sorry professor, I just can't take a man who's got Bert's monbrow seriously.

Thinking that the insanity is over, she keeps driving just to find the professor from the beginning of the movie in the middle of the goddamn road. He asks her for a ride only to be refused at first, but then tells him to get in. Once they get going, the professor tells Lisa that despite what’s going on in her life right now, God still loves her. While she ponders this truly random and shitheaded statement, he then says to watch out for his grandson, who’s standing on the left shoulder of the road just ahead. Before Lisa can react to these astounding developments, the professor disappears, leaving only his glasses behind on the backseat. Noticing that he’s gone, Lisa stops the truck and while she’s staring back at the empty seat, the kid walks up and knocks on the window. Without hesitation, Lisa pulls the kid in, says that she’ll take care of him, and rolls off into the darkness.

Oh God...it's a ginger kid! Leave him to die!

Just before we can breathe a sigh of relief, the movie punches us in the face one last time. Back in The Lab, Abdul is pulled down into hell by the demons, leaving his second in command sitting alone in the darkness. He calls out for Abdul just before a demon flashes across the screen and the movie cuts to the credits.

The Verdict:

Donkey: This movie is a virtual smorgasbord of failure, with almost every aspect you can imagine finding a way to stand as its own shining monument of inadequacy. There is quite literally not a single positive thing that I can say about it. It even fails as a shitty movie, as it’s so goddamn boring that the movie practically dares you to manage to stay awake long enough to actually remember its moments of idiotic hilarity. It’s quite appropriate that they somehow managed to make this into a religious movie, as much like an actual sermon it makes no sense and I walk away from it feeling like someone has just finished butting out cigarettes on my taint. I give this movie one unrelated flashback out of five hilariously dead sisters.

What We Learned:

Donkey: Every single thing that can’t be explained in life is apparently the work of aliens/demons from an alternate dimension/hell. It’s a good thing that God has a +4 Sword of Smiting or we’d all be fucked.

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: the Muscles from Brussels stops in to give a lecture on space, time, and doing the splits in…TIME COP.

Back To The Main Page.

You have to be there to see it? What? Was something equally intelligent like, "It's a movie!" already taken?

Donkey: When I think back to my childhood, there are certain memories that I know will always belong to me alone, locked away in this brain for as long as it continues to function at the most basic level. Granted, that could all change someday, should I happen to be rendered a mental houseplant with a cranial capacity that forces me to trade away reason, memories, and the capacity for rational thought in favor of drooling, staring vacantly, or actually enjoying a Brad Paisley album. But in the meantime, I will treasure those memories as my own. Whether it’s the time I found a ripped up Playboy magazine in an empty field on the way home from grade school and saw a naked woman for the first time, or the first time I took my parents’ car out on my own after getting my driver’s license, and subsequently ran over a small clan of gypsies only to spend the remainder of that evening burying them in that same field. Ah, the circle of life. And until recently, I counted The Ice Pirates as one of those very private memories. My family had rented it a couple of times when it first came out on VHS, but not a single one of them ever remembered what it was about, or ever having watched it. I myself couldn’t remember much about it, apart from knowing for certain that it did, in fact, exist. But that was more than I could say for Blombo or Milobar, as the looks I got when I recommended it for Shitty Movie Night contained a level of vacancy and confusion so deep that I immediately recommended that they audition for a part on The Hills. But rather than keep this gem in the cloudy haze of my early childhood, we decided it was time that we search it out and share in the majesty that was Robert Urich. Goddamn, what a mistake that was.

The Plot:

Donkey: Trying to describe the plot of The Ice Pirates is so stupid that even the movie itself doesn’t bother. Instead, the plot’s description on the back of the DVD cover is riddled with ridiculous puns, hoping that you won’t notice that it only serves to take up space without actually accomplishing anything. It’s no wonder that no one has ever seen this goddamn movie. “Have an ice day”? “The manic, concluding…battle is just the ice-ing on the intergalactic cake”? That’s preposterous and remarkably unclever. “This movie isn’t even worth PIRATING a copy”. See what I just did there? Not so goddamn hard, was it? Game, set, and match, The Ice Pirates DVD.

But despite the fact that the film’s distributor didn’t see fit to do it, I’ll use three sentences to summarize the catastrophe that you’re about to witness through our eyes. In the depths of space, there exists a galaxy that has lost all of it’s water, save one single planet. With the entire galaxy’s water supply under the tight control of evil Templars, one small band of pirates dares to defy the odds and the very laws of physics. Led by one of the true titans of obscurity, Robert Urich, this band of misfits and the Princess that Robert is desperately trying to show his penis to, seek out a lost king and the mythical water planet that he was searching for.

Oh, and there’s herpes. Lots of herpes. Enjoy.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: Sweet, sweet Ice Pirates.

Donkey: Of all the Hollywood movies that we’ve watched for Shitty Movie Night, this one is probably the most obscure.

Milobar: It’s definitely one of the most ridiculous.

Donkey: We kick things off with an introductory paragraph being displayed on the screen that’s also being read by a narrator. I never really understood it when a movie handles their introduction this way. If you want to put some text up on the screen to open your movie, fine. If you want to have a narrator give an opening monologue, cool. But why do both? Why would I read through your paragraph if someone is quite literally reading it for me? And on the other hand, if I’m trying to read through this tripe, it’s very distracting to be forced to hear some asshole slur out the words over top of the ones that are already going through my head.

Milobar: The narrator explains that after the Planetary Wars, the galaxy has gone dry and the Templars have absolute control over the remaining water supply.

Donkey: Really? The entire galaxy? That’s pretty remarkable.

Milobar: The only thing left of value is water because somehow it’s all gone missing. Look, I don’t think you assholes quite understand how these things work. It had to go somewhere.

Donkey: You have to love how this movie offers absolutely no explanation as to how this happened. Just accept it. Now here’s a cookie. Go outside and play. As as small side note, if nothing else, I love this movie just so that when I say, “Robert Urich,” and people say, “Who are you babbling about now?” I can reply, “watch The Ice Pirates and learn, motherfuckers”.

Milobar: This was made during that time in the early 80′s, just after Star Wars, where Sci-Fi movies were all the rage. So of course you’ve gotta have that rogue Han Solo lead character, some robot sidekicks, an intergalactic princess…

Donkey: And abject racism.

This movie is probably their equivalent of looking back at an old high school year book.

Milobar: Definitely racism. And Ron Perlman. I forgot Ron Perlman was in this.

Donkey: Not to mention Anjelica Huston. What the fuck was she doing?

Milobar: The movie starts as the pirates are preparing to attack a water freighter on the edge of a convoy. Of course, as the pirate ship flies onto the screen, there is triumphant music playing. Hurray for our heroes! About to steal water from it’s proper owners!

Donkey: That water was headed to the orphanage on Beta-7. Thanks, pirates! Our heroes land their ship on top of the freighter and prepare for their stealth boarding procedure, which consists of taking a laser cannon and punching a hole into the side of the enemy vessel. I imagine that it probably came down to a coin toss between using that or a giant battering ram.

Milobar: You know these special effects are better than anything I’ve ever seen in any Asylum film, and The Asylum didn’t start making movies until years after this had already faded in to oblivion. After getting his crew of glorified space monkeys to shoot a hole through the hull of the water ship, Robert Urich peeks through. With a visible range of about 2 degrees he comes to the conclusion that no one is around and declares that they’re good. How do you know that you didn’t trigger an alarm? Or there aren’t guards on their way? Or that there just wasn’t anybody walking by at that moment? Fuck it, who cares? Commence using the laser to cut a door sized hole in the side of the ship!

Donkey: It’s the Metal Gear Solid philosophy of espionage rearing it’s ugly head once again: as long as something doesn’t happen within a four foot cone of vision directly in front of any patrolling guards, it must go unnoticed. Hell, it practically never happened.

Milobar: It’s hard to argue with that logic as we experience the movie’s first attempt at comedy, and they make an explosive entrance into what turns out to be the shitter. And of course there’s an alien present shitting exactly the same way a human does.

Donkey: Why the fuck did that thing just sit there this whole time?

Hey, how about a courtesy flush?

Milobar: Someone just spent five minutes cutting a huge fucking door in the wall next to you! I guess it must just be regular scheduled maintenance.

Donkey: In shock at the sudden invasion of its privacy, the alien makes about fourteen consecutive fart sounds. I suppose the movie is trying to suggest that the pirates have literally scared the shit out of this thing. We’re dealing with high-brow comedy here, folks.

Milobar: While doing their best to sneak through the ship’s hallways, the robots that the pirates have brought with them decide to fuck up everyone’s day and start fighting amongst themselves.

Donkey: Naturally. If you’re going to build yourself a small troupe of fighting robots, it’s just a matter of common sense to model them after The Three Stooges. They’ll get shit done and be delightful while doing it. Sure, their antics might be exceptionally annoying and have an extremely high probability of getting you killed, but it will end up being quite heart-warming if you manage to survive long enough. And isn’t that what’s important? After evading the robotic sentry that their squabbling metal fighters had attracted the attention of, a door opens right next to the pirates and they are immediately discovered by an old woman.

Milobar: What? A maid? Why would people in the future wear maid outfits?

Donkey: Looking at this, I would guess strictly for the sake of sexual role play. Grandma here looks like she’s about three washing machine spin cycles away from begging for it. She takes one look at Roscoe, Robert Urich’s black first mate, and starts calling for guards. The gang pushes their way into her room, closes the door behind them, and muzzles her as guards gather on the other side of the door.

Milobar: Fuck, why would these guards use swords? And wear chainmail?

Donkey: I think they’re taking this whole ‘pirate’ theme a little too literally. Just because these guys are committing the act of piracy, that doesn’t mean that everyone in this movie should look like they’re from the eighteenth century. As Roscoe is pretending to be the old white woman and calling off the guards, Jason (played by the sweet Robert Urich) walks into another room and discovers Princess Karina lying in a hyperbaric chamber seemingly filled with dry ice.

Milobar: No, I’m pretty sure that’s just fart gas. She’s been in there a while.

Damn. Somebody already gave this chick a 'baked potato'.

Donkey: What the hell? Were you eating beef burritos, lady? Jason takes the surprisingly bold initiative of opening the stankchamber, risking the chance that he might wake this woman who is clearly sleeping off an asparagus and chili eating contest, then holds two fingers in front of her face. Hey lady, smell my fingers. Does this smell normal to you? Then, thinking no one’s looking, he reaches for the top of her dress…

Milobar: Robert Urich, trying to maintain his title of Greasiest Motherfucker Ever, attempts to sneak a peek at the titties. Seriously, what was the point of that?

Donkey: As they’re about to leave Princess Karina’s quarters and continue with the heist, Roscoe walks up behind one of his own robots that is standing at attention and cuts a wire in the back of its neck. The robot then walks off with a limp. What the hell was the point of that? Did he just really not like that robot?

Milobar: He’s probably just mad that his dad got laid off at the hydrochloric acid processing plant and was replaced by a robot. Fuck, even though this is supposedly a freighter full of ice, the only place this band of morons was able to locate any was in the goddamn engine room. Why would ice be stored in, arguably, the hottest room in the ship?

Donkey: As Jason and his band finally make their way there, it’s not even cold enough that you can see their breath. So it doesn’t appear that they’re even bothering to try to cool this room in any way.

Milobar: Arrggg!! My hand!

Donkey: As he’s pointing Jason in the direction of the sought after ice, Ron Perlman has his hand cut off by an attacking robot. No worries, though. He retrieves it off the ground a moment later, calm as a Hindu cow.

Milobar: Why is there no blood coming out of Ron Perlman’s stump?

Donkey: Apparently the wound was immediately cauterized shut by the inner fires of his white-hot embarrassment. As Jason and his crew are attacked by hostile robots, they send their robots in to fight for them. And of course, even though they seem to spend enough time practicing on each other, their robots fight very badly. This is just so wacky and lovable.

Milobar: But their little midget robot manages to fight back with some barely adequate martial arts skills that mostly involve kicking the other robots in the nads?

Donkey: Repeatedly. Because if you want a robot to feel that kick, you’ve got to really pound on those balls. Sure, I’ll build a robot that has balls, and sure, I’ll make sure those balls are his weak spot. But I’m not going to make those balls hyper-sensitive! I’m not a goddamn moron!

Milobar: Once the fight is over, Jason coaxes one of the robots over to the railing, and then pushes it off. Because hey, fuck robots.

Donkey: Their two remaining robots who witnessed this suddenly snap to attention and march away in an exaggerated orderly fashion, as if frightened by these developments. It’s nice to see that they programmed these robots to somehow feel fear, as well as have an over-developed sense of comedic timing.

Milobar: As the scene switches to the control room, there are gay dudes watching Roller Derby. So in the future they have pirates, chain mail, Roller Derby, and control rooms full of gay dudes. This is what you get America! A future dominated by Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.

Donkey: As the commanding officer and his crew sit around watching the finest entertainment that the late 70′s has to offer, Jason and a few of his pirates sneak in and hold them at gunpoint. Once they’re satisfied that they’ve secured the control room, Jason radios back to the rest of his crew, telling them that they can commence with loading the ice onto their ship.

Milobar: You know, there’s a significant difference in scale between the freighter and the pirates’ ship. The freighter is about a thousand times larger than the pirates’ ship. So they could only get away with about a half of a half of a half of a percent of that cargo at best. It would barely even be noticeable, let alone profitable. You’d lose more to melting and evaporation in that goddamn engine room alone.

Donkey: After a few minutes of awkward chit chat about the princess and a bizarre moment where one of the pirate robots appears to be masturbating next to a captive woman’s face, one of the flight crew gets up the courage to dive for the control panel and hit the emergency alarm button before Jason has a chance to laser up his ass real nice like. And once that happens, all hell breaks loose.

Milobar: Holy shit. Did Robert Urich just deflect a laser with his wristband?

Donkey: He certainly did, as a person tried to shoot him from about three feet away.

Milobar: How fast and accurate do you have to be to deflect a laser with anything, let alone a wristband?

Donkey: You’ve gotta be Robert Urich-fast, baby!

Milobar: Watching them all running back to the ship, something very important just occurred to me: You would have to think that if water is the most valuable resource in the entire galaxy, then these people haven’t showered in a long time.

Donkey: That’s quite astute, and I’m willing to bet that you’re right. Everyone in this movie probably smells like a dead yak’s crotch. As they flee to safety, Jason elects to spilt from the group and meet them back at the ship. You know a man like this can’t pass up the opportunity for some free date rape, especially when it saves him the cost of a roofie. He runs back and grabs the still unconscious princess to take as a trophy.

Milobar: As they escape back through the shitter, they pass the pooping alien again, who is still examining the bump on its head from their last encounter.

Donkey: Why the fuck is that thing still in the shitter? Whether you can remember how you got there in the first place or not, if you wake up in a shitter with your pants down, there is only one universal rule to follow: RUN.

Milobar: Why was that alien even on the ship? Everyone else was either a human or a robot.

Donkey: As the pirates prepare to make their daring escape, the movie cuts to a battleship, closing in on the freighter to investigate the emergency alarms that were set off. Immediately they suspect that they’re dealing with pirates and do the only rational thing possible.

Milobar: Prepare to fire! Now cut to an external shot where they do nothing for thirty seconds.

Donkey: Um, alright. Apparently preparing to fire is about a ten minute process. The pirates blast off and attempt to make the ultimate getaway by playing a game of ‘space chicken’ with the battleship. As the two ships fly at one another, one of the soldiers on the battleship is counting down the seconds remaining until impact, and finally the commander orders that they take evasive action at the two second mark. Of course, some of the most astute viewers of this film probably noticed this for themselves, but IT TAKES MORE THAN TWO SECONDS JUST TO SAY THAT ORDER OUT LOUD, LET ALONE EXECUTE IT. But regardless, they somehow manage to get out of the way in time. Everything seems to be clear sailing from that point, so Jason calmly orders Anjelica Huston to initiate evasive tactics and seems to be visualizing the extremely satisfying shit he’s about to take. BUT WAIT!

Yep, I definitely think they might have found us.

Milobar: “I think they found us!” Really? No shit, you just flew past them! THEY’RE RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND YOU! And as a last ditch effort to get away, the ship breaks into three parts.

Donkey: That was done quite nonchalantly. Say, what do you say we ditch two thirds of the fucking ship? Boy, by any measure of reason, that should have drastic consequences and not be done without careful consideration. But I’m feeling pretty gregarious, so sure, why not? And of course, it works perfectly and they get away! YAY! Tuna salad sandwiches for all! No, not really. It doesn’t work at all. The battleship is unwavering as it follows, attempting to sodomize the pirates’ craft with laser fire. Realizing that their gambit was about as successful as this movie was at the box office, Jason and Roscoe dash for a control panel and start applying countermeasures to hold off the battleship’s incessant attack. What do their countermeasures consist of, you ask? Well since you’re so goddamn nosy, I’ll tell you. Roscoe sits at a control panel and plays what is basically a bastardized version of Space Invaders, where instead of hordes of aliens, he’s trying to shoot the laser fire as it comes streaming down at the ship. All the while, Jason is standing over his shoulder behaving like your mother did when she tried to take some interest in the videogames that you played when you were a kid, pointing and yelling at him to SHOOT THAT ONE! NO, THAT ONE! And as is always the case when you have a nagging, judgemental distraction hovering over your shoulder, Roscoe ends up failing miserably. The moment that this videogame declares “contest over”, a hole is blasted into the side of the pirates’ ship and soldiers begin swarming in.

You don't even want to know what has to happen for them to end up playing Centipede.

Milobar: They rescue the princess and arrest everyone on the ship. Before being taken away, this dude declares that killing Jason and Roscoe’s gang would be too easy. He has something better in mind for them. Who the fuck is this guy?

Donkey: He’s a dude named Zorn, but I prefer to call him by his pet name, the High Chancellor of Balls in Your Mouth. Moments later we see Jason and Roscoe in the holding cells of some kind of prisoner transport, cramped in with a bunch of other greasy thugs, including this bearded chap named Killjoy that explains to them that they have all been sentenced to castration. It makes for great dinner conversation while they all enjoy the meal that has been lazily distributed to them.

Milobar: The thing is, a eunuch was walking around, pouring soup haphazardly into the bowls being held in the outstretched hands of the inmates as he passed. But soup is made primarily out of WATER. That seems like a terribly expensive thing to be feeding prisoners.

Donkey: Yeah, that seems like it would be a delicacy. If anything, I would have thought that they would have been passing out stale bread or some shit. But then, that goes back to how poorly planned this movie’s entire story is. If you have no water, you can’t grow any food. So there shouldn’t be anything to eat at all.

Milobar: Suddenly the prisoners all gather in awe as they approach Mithra, the water planet!

Donkey: Water planet? So this planet, where the Templars come from, is the only source of water in the galaxy. See, that’s fucking insane. If this entire galaxy was without water, and there was one single planet that they used as the source of all their water, that fucking planet would not have water for very long. No fucking water source is infinite, so this is basic supply and demand. A single planet, or even a solar system is one thing, but if an entire galaxy needs water, they’re going to suck that one fucking planet dry real fucking fast.

As their holding cages are unloaded from the ship and carried across a hangar, our heroes catch sight of the princess and her maid walking with Zorn as they pass by. Just then some random fucking dude explains that she’s the daughter of a king/famous explorer who has been missing for three months, after setting out in search of the famed ‘Seventh World’. But little does the princess know, her father was actually killed by the Templars.

Milobar: Thank you, white Candyman. Thank you for explaining everything about the plot of this movie in the span of one minute and thirty seconds. They’re unloaded in what looks like a Crayon producing factory, but is supposed to be the neutering facility, and strapped to a conveyor belt that is slowly taking them to their doom. But first they pass by a couple of dudes using hedge trimmers to make it appear like they’re cutting off everyone’s clothes.

Donkey: There’s absolutely no way that anyone could be good enough with one of those fucking hedge trimmers to cut through their clothes and only their clothes as they pass by on a goddamn conveyor belt. They’re not wearing fucking used tires. The next group of people they pass by lather them up so they can apparently be shaved. What? Why the fuck would you bother shaving them, especially at this point? Can’t that wait until later?

Milobar: There’s nothing quite like a sweet, industrial strength shave.

Donkey: They continue on to the next group, the actual shavers, consisting of an old dude that’s shaking so badly that it appears that he’s the poster child for Parkinson’s disease (which is exactly whom you want coming at you with a straight razor) and another man whom looks like an offensively stereotypical 80′s caricature of a gay man. How fucking random. Moments later, they reach the end of the line and come face to face with a ball-hungry chomping metal jaw. Wait…let’s look at that for a moment in summation. So this castration machine is a conveyor belt at the end of which there is a giant metal jaw that’s supposed to bite their balls off. That’s it? That’s the fucking DUMBEST WAY to carry out castrations that I could possibly think of.

Milobar: That’s a castration machine? I thought it was just supposed to be a metaphor for Robert Urich’s career.

This is the most efficient method of castration you can come up with? Why not just use peanut butter and hungry dogs?

Donkey: But just as the machine is about to feast on their nads, it pulls away and they find themselves still in possession of rather tiny balls. It turns out that the princess has made arrangements to save them. Why? I’m not really sure. She met them for all of seven seconds when they were trying to kidnap her. You wouldn’t think that would be long enough to make an impression, let alone a good one. Regardless, she’s arranged for them to be spared and taken into her employment, providing that they pretend that they’re eunuchs. Jason and Roscoe oblige by talking in really high voices. HILARIOUS!

Milobar: I don’t understand how castration is supposed to somehow make them obedient, robot-esque servants. Fuck, why would you even want a human servant that acts like a robot when you are surrounded by servants that actually are robots? Now that the maid has explained the situation to our boys, we move on to a party scene, featuring ‘future dancing’ and fashion that appears to be a combination of turbans and spandex leotards. ‘Future dancing’ sure is radical, it’s a combination of the dumbest shit you can imagine and apparently the Macarena.

May I have the next awkward set of movements that barely resembles dancing, my lady?

Donkey: But crazy, dysfunctional dancing and fashion that can only be described as a schizophrenic’s miscarriage aren’t the only highlights of this party. A group of people are putting stethoscopes connected to car batteries to their temples and running an electric current into their heads, which is apparently some kind of space drug. And I can surmise this from the fact that they’re quite literally getting high, floating up to the goddamn ceiling. That’s goddamn ridiculous.

No, seriously, what the fuck are YOU looking at?

Jason and Roscoe, fulfilling the obligations of slavery, work Princess Karina’s party as servers, and eventually discover that Killjoy, the same bearded dude from the holding cells on the transport, is hanging around in a suit of armor in a room with a group of robots.

Milobar: Why the fuck does this big dumb guy keep showing up?

Donkey: I have no fucking idea. And why the hell is he hiding here, of all places? But this is just the beginning of the things to come in the next couple of minutes that don’t make any goddamn sense. As soon as they discover Killjoy hanging out with the robots, they are immediately summoned back to the party to speak with Princess Karina. So once again we get a sweet shot of the Solid Bronze Dancers and their dry-heaving lambada.

Milobar: This dancing is just embarrassing. How do you convince people to do this?

Donkey: The Princess explains to her two pirate servants that they’ll be leaving immediately to journey to the Pirate Moon. And just then, Zorn, or the HCOBIYM, asks the Princess to join him for a brief conversation. She hesitates, so for some reason he calls for soldiers to arrest her and the two pirates. Why the fuck is he attempting to have her arrested? Other than perhaps for crimes against fashion, I can’t really think of any possible grounds. But since there are no answers forthcoming, we’ll just move on. Naturally, our heroes bolt out the doors, only to be once again joined by Killjoy. Fuck they just can’t shake this guy. To make a quick getaway, they jump onto a ‘future motorcycle’. As much as I love how much this goddamn motorcycle is just a regular one with shitty sheet metal welded onto it, I’m far more in love with the sound they make as they drive, having totally ripped off the sound effect used for the Lightcycles in Tron.

Milobar: Cue the Benny Hill sketch! Our retarded heroes race off on their space-cycle, dragging Killjoy in his suit of armor along behind them as they’re chased by a future cop car with spikes on the front of it.

Donkey: And of course, for this chase scene they’ve sped up the film speed so that it appears that they’re going really fast, even though they’re just drifting along at the same leisurely pace that a senior citizen’s cart would drift through a shopping mall. Speaking of which, they’re going through a what appears to be some kind of shopping area when suddenly the barrage of tedium gives way to the heartbreaking bizarre, as the pirates’ motorcycle and the cop car that’s following them smash into a family of three robots that are walking through the shopping facility, destroying two of them.

Milobar: Oh. My. God. The one robot left is screaming, “Mommy! Baby! Mommy! Baby!”

Donkey: Fuck that’s disturbing. Jason proves to pilot a motorcycle about as well as a spaceship, as he soon crashes through the front windows of a shop and sends them all sprawling. He and the Princess take off on the motorcycle again while Roscoe and Killjoy end up separated and on foot. As those two are left by the side of the road, wondering how the hell they’re going to get away now that Jason has taken off with the motorcycle, a random robot with a black face comes up and starts talking jive to them.

Milobar: Trying to sell them titties!

Donkey: Wow. The train of cultural sensitivity just keeps on rolling through this movie. That’s some fucking fantastic racism right there. As the movie turns back to Zorn and his soldiers, trying to interview people and figure out where their prey has escaped to, we see that robot still rolling around in the background, crying, “Mommy! Baby!”

Milobar: Just then they turn to see what I think is supposed to be a ship taking off. It turns out to be the Princess and the entire pirate gang making their escape. How did Roscoe and Killjoy meet back up with them on the ship? Ten seconds ago they were with the jive talking robot and now they’re on the ship with everyone else.

Donkey: Now that they’re once again sailing through the cosmos in freedom, Jason and Roscoe are obviously not too receptive to taking orders. But the Princess demands that they still take her to the Pirate Moon, explaining that she intends to use the water onboard to pay for the services of a man named Lanky once they get there. And to make sure that they cooperate, she’s rigged the ship so that if anyone tries to tamper with the water, the ship will self-destruct. How and when did she pull off this hack job? And why would you not just set it up so that it killed the person trying to do the tampering, rather than having the whole ship explode and kill you all?

Milobar: Back in Gaytown, Evil Bad Guy Numbnuts is going through a security checkpoint, where he clambers on to a ‘metal detector of tomorrow’ only to have it go off. He looks at the guard like he’s annoyed, takes out his money purse, and dumps out some coins. Are you fucking kidding me? His entire costume is made out of metal. His fucking change set this thing off? Fuck, a better question: why are they still using gold coins as currency in the future? This movie is so indiscriminately shitty I feel like I need to take a goddamn shower. Zorn then proceeds into an atrium where he finds the leader of the Templars or some shit like that. I don’t even care anymore, this movie makes me want to kill myself. He reports to this old dude that the Princess has escaped on the ship, and that everything is going according to plan. This old bastard that Zorn’s talking to is going to make me puke. Those are some fucked up arthritis hands.

Sir, I hate to say that I told you so, but remember that article I showed you about cracking your knuckles?

Donkey: Although now that we see him up close, we can see that Zorn is doing his best to keep up on the creepy scale with some fucking over-plucked eyebrows. But with that brief escapade into geriatric hell at an end, the movie turns back to our heroes on their ship. Jason is talking to some dude at the port that they’re heading to, when the camera slowly pans over to what looks like a baked potato on the floor that starts to leak out Vasoline. A few seconds later, a worm-like alien creature bursts out of it.

I think I'll be choosing mashed or fries for quite a while after this, thanks.

Milobar: Uh oh. Space herpes!

Donkey: The camera pans up and we see Roscoe is sleeping nearby with his shirt off…

Milobar: …in the ship’s fucking bridge…

Donkey: …with a coat over himself. As he undoubtedly dreams of something that will earn him a little more respect than being in this film, like kicking blind children down a flight of stairs or throwing puppies in front of speeding buses, we see the little alien crawling up on his shoulder. He awakens and reaches back to find the little worm thing, tossing it to the floor as he jumps to his feet in panic.

Milobar: Why is he still wearing that scarf?

Space-aged sleepwear at its gayest.

Donkey: That’s outstanding. He took his shirt off to get some sleep, but not his ascot? After he and Jason find the creature again only to have it escape, Roscoe mentions that he thinks that it came from this one particular cargo bin. After opening it, they check the manifest and see that it was for…space herpes.

Milobar: Okay, so why would that be on the manifest? Why was there a box containing space herpes in the cargo? Who ordered that? Where were they shipping it to?

Donkey: Someone was actually paying them to transport that?

Milobar: After that random sexually transmitted interlude they finally arrive at the Pirate Moon, which appears to be a shitty town where everyone beats the crap out of each other on a regular basis. As they travel along on one of those carts that they use to shuttle old people around airports, we get to see a variety of the local population including an overabundance of midgets. Fucking space midgets. They ruin everything.

Donkey: You can’t have a Sci-Fi without space midgets. And a fucking cantina, of course, as they soon arrive at a place called the Pirates’ Den where they meet up with Anjelica Huston and Ron Perlman. Wait, how did those two manage to either escape or be released when the pirates where arrested earlier in the film? Fuck, nevermind.

Milobar: I guess when the ship split in to three parts these two geniuses didn’t follow the impressive and proper escape plan alpha, otherwise known as: fly straight forward and hope they don’t catch us. Some black dude is sitting in the cantina with a parrot on his shoulder that has been plucked of all it’s feathers. As PETA’s arch nemesis is about to enjoy a meal of live mice, some other dude comes up and motions over towards our Wonder Group, saying, “It’s the cute one and the nigger”.

This makes me want to cry every time I look at it.

Donkey: Realizing that he’s talking TO a black guy at the time, this dude suddenly corrects himself and says, “Oh, I mean the black gentlemen”. Fuck, that’s so random that I’m absolutely stunned. Again with the racism. Sometimes you forget how far we’ve come in the western world until you’re reminded by shit like this. I can’t believe the ridiculous amount of mature content in this movie that otherwise seems like its intended for children.

Milobar: There’s so much shit in this movie that’s goofy, and then there’s some serious fucking shit that’s just completely offensive. It’s like they couldn’t make up their minds what kind of movie they actually wanted to make.

Donkey: Anjelica Huston and Ron Perlman fill Jason and Roscoe in on the current climate of the galaxy, explaining that a bounty has been put on their heads. But Han and Chewy…um, I mean Jason and Roscoe, don’t seem the slightest bit concerned. Anjelica then tells Jason and the Princess that Lanky is hiding out in a place called Sweet Water. When Princess Karina asks Jason where Sweet Water is, he explains that it’s about fifty miles out of town, so they’d need a land craft to get there. And he only knows one person who has one, as he motions over towards a fishman sitting off at another table. Jason goes on to explain this dude works for the city so he can’t be bribed with water, but maybe if the Princess was real nice to him, he’d do them a favor. I believe he’s suggesting that she go blow that fishman.

Milobar: What? Since he works for the city, he can’t be bribed with water? This is the goddamn Pirate Moon. They have a municipal government? That’s it, they’ve finally done it! This movie is so retarded it has officially made me forget how to do long division.

Donkey: Not only that, but a government that can’t be bribed. The fucking government of the Pirate Moon is apparently a beacon of ethics. She goes over to the fishman and it turns out the fishman is actually a fishwoman, who is now looking over to Jason with sexy bedroom fish eyes. Slowly it dawns on Jason that he’ll soon be going down on a carp. But before he does, the Princess finally reveals that the reason that they need to get to this Lanky character is because he apparently knows the whereabouts of her father.

Milobar: Fuck this whole scene. They’re sitting here at this bar, drinking. You know, to distill alcohol, I was under the assumption that you needed water. So if water is your source of income, how much water would you have to pay to get an alcoholic beverage?

Donkey: It’s not only water, but it’s water that’s been processed and turned into something, so you’ve got the extra investment of time and resources. That’s like taking thousand dollar bills and encrusting them with diamonds. That should be a fucking expensive drink. But before this clusterfuck comes to a close the random black guy and his racist companion that we saw taking careful note of this pirate gang earlier come over and ask the Princess if she’d like to dance. Since Jason is over sweet-talking the fishwoman, Anjelica Huston comes to the rescue and tells these chumps to beat it. But of course, random chumps in bars don’t exactly take rejection from any woman very well, so the black leader of the local chapter of the KISS fanclub stands back while his pal, Patty McRacistpants puts on a masterful display of might.

Milobar: Is he just attacking the table?

Donkey: Yep. He manages to cut the wooden table in half with his sword with a mere three swings. That’s sorta-kinda-not-even-close-to-impressive. After a brief and uninspired duel, Anjelica manages to takes this asshole’s head off, and then treats the black KISS fan to the humiliation of having to publicly apologize to the Princess as his featherless bird sinks into an even deeper pit of shame. Slowly the scene fades out and transitions to Jason and the Princess racing across a desert in the fishwoman’s transport.

Milobar: Fuck, now that’s an awesome ‘future car’. Hey, didn’t they say that it was only fifty miles out of town? Couldn’t they have just flown their ship there?

Still not as stupid as the AMC Gremlin.

Donkey: You would think. They’re coming up to Sweet Water, which is marked by a sign that says “Population: 1. Trespassers will be violated.” Not killed, or maimed, or even sent away with hurt feelings. Violated. It’s not often that you see people brave enough to come right out and threaten rape on public signs. Kudos.

Milobar: This Lanky guy is so hardcore. He lives in a series of tents that are ripped to shit. Fuck the elements, I sleep on the ground bitch!

This movie would honestly make more sense if THEY were the pirates.

Donkey: Yes, this Lanky fellow is living in what appears to be a series of progressively less ripped tents. Awesome. That’s going to provide just the cover you need from those pesky sandstorms. But on the plus side, he does have two baby donkeys (my favorite part of this movie, naturally). Finally they meet up with Lanky, who is shooting at gophers with a slingshot. Not a space-age, ‘future slingshot’. Just a regular old, over-the-counter slingshot that you’d get from Wal-Mart.

Milobar: That’s not just a little crazy.

Donkey: Nope, that’s pretty super fucking crazy. As they press Lanky on the location of the Princess Karina’s missing father, again the conversation goes back to the fabled Seventh World. Lanky explains to them that the last time he had seen her father, he was recounting the tale of how he had found it, only to be ambushed by Templars.

Milobar: So this Seventh World is a water planet. But as you mentioned already, if it’s only one planet with water on it, that water isn’t going to last very long if the whole galaxy needs it.

Donkey: Nope. They’ve just thrown that little detail out there without thinking of the consequences. If your entire galaxy is out of water, then the movie better involve your ass finding an entire galaxy of water, not just a planet. Regardless, as Lanky finishes his tale, he looks off into the distance where he sees a car of hoodlums fast approaching.

Milobar: I love this fucking pirate car. Gigantic ten foot wheels and a massive paper mache skull on the front.

We are SO metal!

Donkey: A fucking foam skull that is the most ridiculously cartoonish thing they could possibly add. Seriously, somebody thought to add that to their car with a straight face? Is this a goddamn Gwar video? That doesn’t make these assholes intimidating, it makes them a joke.

Milobar: I’m surprised that they don’t have a giant box on top that they kick over so a balloon can inflate into a giant hand that’s giving the devil horns.

Donkey: Correctly figuring that now would be a good time to get the hell out of Dodge, Jason and the Princess round up Lanky and make a run for the fishwoman’s car. But before they can reach it, these Asspirates of the Caribbean Sands fire their laser cannon and send the woman and her vehicle back up to that great fishmarket in the sky in a grand explosion. Goddamn, I just can’t take this seriously. This fucking vehicle is like a goddamn six year old’s idea of bad ass.

Milobar: If they just stopped the vehicle and the eighteen dudes riding on top of it got out, they could kill these three idiots in about fifteen seconds.

Donkey: The Thunderdome Rejects then fire on our three heroes as they run, searching for an alternate means of escape. And as laser blasts are raining in around them, all of Lankey’s tents are going up in massive explosions. Come on. Laser or not, in order for something to explode like that, you need some kind of goddamn flammable accelerant. So what the fuck does he have in those goddamn tents? Oily rags and kindling? Our three protagonists eventually loop back around and jump in a vehicle that I could swear is the fishlady’s.

Milobar: Wait, didn’t these bounty hunters just blow that thing up a minute ago?

Donkey: I could have swore that was the case myself, and I don’t know what other vehicle this could possibly be. I guess the fishwoman was highly flammable and her car was a fire retardant. They race away with their aggressors in steady pursuit. As the villains pull up close behind them, one of the bounty hunters jumps down onto the heroes’ craft. After grappling rather poorly for a few moments with this Mad Max motherfucker, he and Jason both tumble overboard. Naturally, Jason manages to grab some cable that is inexplicably hanging off the back of their vehicle. Goddamn it. Sand or not, do you know how badly his junk would be destroyed by being dragged behind a vehicle on his stomach?

Milobar: What junk?

Donkey: Jason lets go of the rope and as the bounty hunters’ Styrofoam-skulled monstrosity passes, he grabs part of its tire and does a ridiculous flip into the air. Most people would have their arms ripped squarely out of their sockets, but Frillypants McCracken here manages to somehow toss himself into the air and land squarely on top of the vehicle, where he immediately begins pushing off all the bounty hunters from behind. Once it is down to just him and the leader of this gang of chumguzzlers, Jason leaps off the vehicle to safety just before it runs into what I can only guess are oil drums and explodes. Of course, him leaping to safety from this speeding embarrassment without so much as a scratch just begs the question, why don’t all the others that he booted off the thing moments ago just gather themselves up, march over, and kill him? After all, he kicked the rest of them off as this thing was traveling at the exact same speed, so if he’s okay, shouldn’t they be as well?

Milobar: Jason returns to his two companions to find that Lanky is dying. Let’s get you out of here…HGGGGNNNNN!!! *poop*

Donkey: After Jason attempts to reef the mothefucker up off the ground, Princess Karina tells him that Lanky’s back is broken. Whoops. Thanks for making him a quadriplegic, asshole.

Milobar: Obviously concerned about this guy who might sorta, kinda, almost be his friend, Jason asks Lanky if there’s anything he can do for him. What can you do for me? Let me ask you son, have you ever heard of a ‘Rusty Trombone’ or a ‘Dutch Rudder’?

Donkey: So now that Lanky is dead, with two baby donkeys and pigs in tow, Jason and the Princess simply walk all the way back to their ship. And moments later we see them back onboard with the rest of the crew with nary even a parched throat.

Milobar: Why does Roscoe have an admiral’s jacket on? And why is that robot playing with his robopenis?

Donkey: Even better than his metalicock: the robot is playing with the one screw that apparently holds its entire body together, as once the robot unscrews it, it falls completely apart. Wow. I’m sure glad they included that scene.

Milobar: No! That’s a load bearing screw! For fucks sake, as they take off we see that they landed their goddamn space ship in the middle of the desert. Why didn’t they just fly there in the first place? Okay seriously now, why did they take the pigs and the donkey with them?

Donkey: Really, why not? They’re easily the most handsome characters in this goddamn movie. And now that they’re all safely onboard their ship and flying back through the depths of space, they gather to enjoy a grand feast, in celebration of a job not even close to done.

Milobar: There’s robotic hands hanging from the ceiling and sticking out of the walls, helping people lift and pour things. Fuck, the future is so retarded it almost makes me want to fall asleep watching Turtles in Time again.

Donkey: And as Ron Perlman goes to carve the turkey, out pops the space herpe, giving us the Clark W. Griswold moment of the film. Of course, everyone panics as the space herpe once again manages to get away without incident.

Milobar: Everyone is freaking out and screaming, while the donkeys are just stumbling around in the background, embarrassed to be in this scene.

Donkey: As Jason and Roscoe comically stumble their way through an explanation as to why they haven’t told the rest of the crew about their Cosmic STD, I can’t help but notice that Jason’s got his shirt tied up in the gayest way that I’ve seen outside of a pride parade. What is that?

Does this shirt make my dick look like it should be in your mouth? Probably, huh?

Milobar: He’s definitely a pirate! Now Jason, Roscoe, and the Princess are exploring the surface of some planet. I forget…why are they here?

Donkey: Fuck, I wasn’t listening. I think the Lanky told them that her father was being held here, but I really couldn’t care less. That’s the great thing about shitty movies. If you paid really, really close attention, you could probably figure everything out. Save for some Asylum movies, of course. But they’re just not worth that kind of effort. No matter how much you pan this river of obscurity in search of gold, all you’re ever going to find is nuggets of turd.

Hold still while I paint you onto the side of my van.

Milobar: It’s painful trying to pay attention to this shit. Like why are there Amazonian women riding around on unicorns on this fucking sulphur planet. This shit is insane.

Donkey: Just when I thought this movie couldn’t get any more ridiculous, they pull this rabbit out of their hat and slap me across the face with it. As these women materialize out of the fog, Jason, the Princess, and Roscoe attempt to defend themselves from their attack. But as one of the women rides by, she whips Jason around the throat and drags him behind her fucking unicorn as she races off.

Milobar: Another one of them does the same to the Princess.

Donkey: I don’t think these people quite understand how much it hurts to be whipped in the first place. I can’t be sure, but I would guess that it’s somewhere between taking a dodgeball to the groin and being burned at the stake, not on par with a light slap to the back of the head as the movie seems to be suggesting. But to then have a fucking horse drag you by the throat after that? And they don’t have so much as a mark on their neck afterwards? I’m going to need a whole box of Kleenex to mop the explosion of awesomeness that just hit me in the face. And for some reason, the women see fit to leave Roscoe behind, unscathed. That seems like an odd choice.

Moments later, Jason and the Princess are brought before Bruce Vilanch, who’s playing the flamboyant overlord of these amazons. The Princess demands to see her father and Bruce responds with babbling nonsense before ordering one of his freaky, mannish women to kill Jason. But as she stops flexing long enough to move in to land the killing blow, Roscoe swings down on a rope and, like the proverbial black bowling ball smashing into a bunch of the white pins, knocks Bruce Vilanch and several women to the ground. A struggle quickly ensues, as three or four women instantly pounce on the three heroes. Oh, and Bruce Vilanch’s head falls off. Apparently he’s a robot or some shit. Who could have guessed? Ted McGinley, that’s who.

Milobar: This is the most awkward fight scene I’ve ever witnessed, with this guy rolling around on the floor.

Had this not worked, they would have moved on to their next most fiendish method of torture: gentle teasing.

Donkey: Princess Karina manages to wrestle her way free and put a gun to Bruce’s disembodied head, demanding that everyone stop their playtime antics this instant. Eventually Jason gets up in agreement. Alright girls, better back off. I’ve got space herpes. And now that they’ve got everyone safely subdued, our three heroes move to extract the information they want from Bruce Vilanch. As Roscoe holds the severed head, Bruce mocks them, demanding to know what they’re going to do. In response, Jason puts a feather under his nose, which somehow manages to make Bruce relinquish the location of Princess Karina’s father in exactly four seconds, after only a single sneeze. Isn’t this guy a robot? Would that not be why they’re able to hold his fucking head in their hands? Why the fuck would he be ticklish, let alone to such an extreme that he caves within seconds? Fuck you, Ice Pirates. Now that they’ve been pointed in the direction of the father of the Princess, they race off to discover him alone in a room, only to discover that they’ve come face to face with another robot.

Milobar: Not just any robot. An Omega Robot.

Donkey: Suddenly the movie cuts and they are once again back on their ship. The Princess is still pouting, moaning some shit about, “How could I have thought that thing was my father?” Well, it was a robot that looked exactly like your father. That’s kind of the point, don’t you think? You’re not very bright, are you? While she’s carrying on about this, Roscoe is examining the inside of some robot, looking for stored information. Is that the body of the robot that looked like her father? Or of Bruce Vilanch? We have no fucking idea, but a few seconds later Roscoe says that he found something about a ring, and Princess Karina demands that the disembodied head of Bruce Vilanch tells her where it is. Turns out, it’s in his head. Awesome.

Milobar: So he coughed up this ring that he was hiding in the back of his throat?

Donkey: Yep. And once Bruce spits up her father’s ring, Jason asks what else he’s got in there. Bruce Vilanch says, “Nothing. Care to make a deposit?” Ah, not very subtle gay innuendo. Enjoy, kids.

Milobar: She gets her father’s ring, combines it with her own, blows on it, it starts spinning and then somehow it produces this fucking recorded holographic message?

Donkey: That’s pretty fucking random. So when the dude who wrote this movie sat back and tried to come up with a way to rip off the message that Princess Leia’s left hidden inside a robot for Obi Wan Kenobi, the best he could come up with was a couple of fucking rings? That guy deserves a Lifetime Achievement award in the illustrious category of COMPLETE WASTE THEREOF. I’d love to know how fucking rings are supposed to encode a message, let alone play it back. But again, I just can’t bring myself to care. The recording of her father tells the Princess his coordinates on the Seventh Planet at the center of the galaxy, that she must come there, and that she can’t deviate from a specific path in the slightest or she’d be lost in time forever. How the fuck did he find this place then? If there was no trial and error allowed, how did he manage to be that precise? Fuck it. Set a course for the Seventh Planet!

After deciding to make the harrowing journey, the rest of the crew disbands, leaving Roscoe and Jason alone on the ship’s bridge. Roscoe takes the opportunity to show off his handiwork, having just rebuilt Beauford, the midget robot that has been the only competent one in the film so far. Roscoe explains that he has managed to make him .01 milliseconds faster than the finest Omega Robot ever built. What? Really? This guy is better than the galaxy’s finest engineers?

Milobar: And .01 milliseconds is such a minuscule timeframe that it’s basically not measurable. That’s not really enough of an advantage that it’s worth bragging about.

Donkey: Before leaving, Jason notices that Roscoe painted the robot black and asks why. Roscoe responds that he wanted to make him perfect. Why the fuck would you even notice the color of the robot?

Milobar: The movie cuts to a short time later and we see that once again Jason’s got his shirt tied up in the gayest possible way.

Donkey: Jason arrives at Princess Karina’s room looking sexy as hell, to discover that she has just finished getting a massage from her robot butler. She comments to Jason that she might have overworked the butler, to which Jason responds, “well, there’s a lot of body to rub.” Smooth, cowboy. Isn’t that basically calling her fat? You might want to think before you let garbage like that fly out of your mouth, or you’ll be looking forward to another night of crying and fucking your pillow while she’s wiping fishbones and used diapers off her face.

Milobar: This is another one of my favorite parts of the movie. After some pathetic flirting, it’s clear that Jason and the Princess are about to get it on, and of course there’s a giant TV screen next to her bed. So they put on a tape called Passionate Storm or some shit, which basically shows a massive rainstorm in the middle of the ocean on the giant screen right beside them. It’s supposed to be all sexy, so they start making out. But then something starts spraying them with water like they’re part of the video. Seriously, in a galaxy where water is the most valuable resource, who would waste it on something as extravagant as spraying it on you while you’re having sex?

It's a good thing Jason only lasts about 13 seconds, or this sex would cost a fortune.

Donkey: I would criticize, but I love to be sprayed in gold and diamonds, myself. The Princess, helping Jason disrobe, reaches down and says, “You feel so stiff…your belt, I mean.” What? Really? Ah, horribly transparent sexual suggestion. Enjoy, kids.

Milobar: Pour on the water!

Donkey: I think these two might have a watersports fetish. She says to him, “Shouldn’t you be at the controls?” To which he replies, “If you insist.” And then he appears to go down on her. Fuck, again, who the fuck is this movie targeted at? But once this opulent and far too lengthy scene of bumping handsomes is complete, our team suddenly notices that they’ve got a ship on their tail that’s moving five times faster than any ship they’ve ever seen. This is, of course, because they’re entering the Time Field.

Milobar: But if they’re speeding up, that means you’re speeding up too. So they shouldn’t be gaining on you. Alright THIS is my absolute favorite part of the movie: they’re entering the Time Field. That crazy Benny Hill sketch bullshit is about to start up again. The Templars’ battleship eventually catches up and boards the pirates’ ship. Jason’s crew starts running around and fighting robots and guys in chainmail, as they all get older at a ridiculous rate.

Donkey: At this point, they mention that they’re aging at a rate of a day per every half an hour, but that it’s getting exponentially worse. And to show that time is passing at an incredible rate, they keep speeding up the film randomly so that they appear to almost warp from one point to another.

Milobar: These stupid goddamn pirates keep stopping and having goddamn conversations in the middle of a goddamn attack. How are you doing? Not bad, how about you? Fuck, you’re fighting for your very lives!

Donkey: A life or death struggle is no reason to interrupt some good, civilized discourse. Rules of engagement must give way to the rules of etiquette. As time continues to pass at an exponential rate, our heroes start growing beards. Of course.

Milobar: And the Princess has to go to the washroom because she’s pregnant.

Donkey: As the pirates and their robots continue to fight the horde of Templar soldiers, one of their robots is too scared to go into battle. It’s a fucking robot. I know I’ve brought this up already, but fuck me, why would you program it to be afraid of anything? After much prompting, the robot expels a bunch of oil and random nuts and bolts, which is supposed to be it shitting itself, before it finally goes into the fight. Fuck, that’s just stupid.

After being notified moments later by Bruce Vilanch that he needs to go see the Princess, Jason wanders away from the ongoing battle and ends up taking an epic journey. First he ends up passing by the donkeys and pigs, which are now full grown. He then comes across Princess Karina’s robot butler, which has managed to capture and kill the space herpe. Okay, I guess that was important to see at this point, in case maybe one of the dozens of people who have seen this movie is actually concerned about continuity and tying up loose ends (although that’s presuming that trying to account for continuity in the plot up to this point hasn’t already driven that person thoroughly insane, of course). Finally, he makes it back to the Princess and discovers that she has just rocketed his screaming infant son out of her crotch. In all seriousness, this moment actually seems very true to real life to me. Upon seeing that they’ve had a child, it’s clear that he’s not very happy about it. She’s not very happy about it. Fuck, NOBODY is happy about it. And that, kids, is how most of you come into the world.

Milobar: And then he denies that it’s his and walks away while the Princess watches him leave with hatred filling her eyes.

Donkey: That was the most realistic thirty seconds of this entire film, or possibly any film I’ve ever seen for that matter. For God’s sake. A short time later, the movie returns to the princess and her hellspawn. The Princess tells her son, who is now old enough to be running around on his own, not to bother nanny. The camera then pans over and we see that nanny is a fucking decomposed skeleton sitting in a chair. Goddamn. I can’t handle this continual swing back and forth between the insultingly childish to the offensively mature. And as a brief aside, are you trying to tell me that the old woman who was acting as Princess Karina’s maid was actually named “Nanny”? Really?

I'd probably do the same thing if I were there to witness another Robert Urich entering the world.

Milobar: Now the movie turns back to the crew of pirates who are still fighting the Templar soldiers. Their hair is white, their beards are white. They’re crouching over like decrepit old men. And somehow they’re all overweight. How can they have gained weight when they haven’t eaten anything?

Donkey: And now it’s the beginning of the end. First Ron Perlman drops dead from a heart attack.

Milobar: This is so ridiculous.

Donkey: This is fucking idiotic. Next Killjoy gets stabbed in the back because he’s too old to react.

Milobar: More robots burst in through another wall and Zorn finally shows up, all old and decrepit too. And Roscoe’s got a ridiculously huge afro.

Scientific proof: watching this movie will take years off your life.

Donkey: Just as everything looks like it’s about to end in The Big Sleep for all of our beloved heroes, Jason’s son bursts onto the scene as a full grown man, looking EXACTLY like Jason. Robert Urich really stretched himself here, playing his own son.

Milobar: He looks so much like his dad that he even ties his shirt in the exact same gay manner. And then the scene starts flickering and they’re all on the bridge of the ship again.

Donkey: And just as we wonder where the fuck they’re possibly going with all this crazy bullshit, they travel back to the exact moment that they entered the Time Field. So everything is magically back to the way it was before. FUCK. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! They pulled a Mortal Kombat: Annihilation?

Milobar: They take a moment to explain that the other ship was one degree off the course when they entered the time field, so they’re lost in the time field forever. WE MADE IT! WE’VE REACHED THE SEVENTH PLANET!

Donkey: Which seems to look a lot like Earth. It would be awesome if this movie went on for another half hour or so and showed them landing on that planet in the year 1984.

Milobar: And freeze frame! End of movie!

Donkey: That’s fucking it?!

Milobar: So they made it to the planet and sure, they’ve got this wealth of water now, but look at how insanely hard it was to get there in the first place. How the fuck are they going to get back out and transport that water back and forth? As we know, if they’re off by so much as a degree, they’re lost forever.

Donkey: And as the credits roll, they show freeze frame shots of the movie, like a fucking TV show in the 70′s. I feel like I’m watching the end of CHiPs.

Milobar: Fuck, this is such an amazing movie. I can’t believe I don’t watch it every day.

Donkey: I think I’ll be sending it back into the recesses of my brain now, for the sake of my tender grasp on reality.

The Verdict:

Milobar: Much like a giant coiling steamer, this shit hurts so good. Robots, Spaceships, Pirates, Princesses, Eunuchs? Watching this movie was like peering inside the brain of a recording executive as he tries to imagine exactly how Bittorrent works. The overall premise of this movie makes sense in theory, after all lack of water is a major concern in the developing nations of Earth right now. Of course, their concerns have more to do with free access to CLEAN water, not a mysterious disappearance of every available source. The idea that a civilization in the future has developed laser based weapons, functioning battle robots, and interstellar space travel, but has yet to uncover the ability to purify waste water is ludicrous. We do that shit right now for fucks sake. Oh well, what can you really expect from a bunch of rubberheads running around in chainmail? As a sign that I am getting soft in my old age, and as a concession to everyone I’ve met in recent years who have actually seen this movie, I hereby give The Ice Pirates one Robert Urich out of one Ron Perlman. May they find happiness in each other’s arms.

Donkey: This movie locks you in its handsome, steeled gaze, hoping that you won’t look down and see its shirt tied up inappropriately or the festering rot that’s destroying its withered love pump. The ending of this movie alone could be studied and marveled at for years to come. They enter a Time Field that causes their bodies to age, but their perception of the time that passes isn’t altered (the exact opposite of the widely accepted belief that time is relative). They somehow manage to warp back to a moment in time, somehow reversing the aging that has taken place and even nullifying the fact that most of them had died. And the movie literally ends the moment that they even catch so much as their first glance at their destination. That’s fucking genius. And to top it off, this movie has donkeys. Do you have any idea how rare that is? I therefore give it five cosmic STDs out of five.

What We Learned:

Milobar: Just like the real Herpes, everyone freaks out and runs around screaming the first couple of times they see The Space Herpes, but after a while no one remembers or seems to care that it is running rampant in the bowels of your leaky vessel.

Donkey: Watching this movie again has reminded me that memories can be strange things, and dredging them up can be a lot like hoping to resurrect loved ones by burying them in a pet cemetery. So remembah, sometimes dead is beddah! Oh yeah, and even though time is relative, it still has a definite effect on the state of matter and the rate of its decay. So if ever you’re standing next to someone who wants to play a little prank and wind a clock ahead, punch that asshole square in the face before that little prank causes your body to rapidly age.

Don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Humanity’s last great stand against the onslaught of engineered soldiers specializing in low production values in…UNIVERSAL SOLDIERS.

Back To The Main Page.

I'm willing to give them a mulligan on the 'Alien' on the left, as that's sort of the way it looks in the movie if you've been huffing glue, but that 'Hunter' on the right isn't even close.

Donkey: Like many things in life, expectations can be a blessing or a curse. While providing a standard of quality that some aspire to achieve, they can also act as landmines, waiting to shred those who afford them too little respect into a bitter fondue of failure. After being made into a fairly successful comic book series years before its release, the first Alien Vs Predator movie was the object of a moderate amount of anticipation, and in turn, expectations. While it did quite well at the box office, and was even deemed successful enough to have warranted a sequel, it was heavily criticized and considered by some to be a disappointment. Enter the Asylum and their version, Alien Vs Hunter. This is where the movies that they produce thrive. They have no such constraints, no bars of quality to volley over, as the only people who would possibly be stupid enough to actually anticipate them are the three men involved with this website. And since they bask in this monumental lack of standards, anything short of quite literally lighting your film’s budget on fire and going home with no product to speak of can be considered a success. After witnessing Alien Vs Hunter, however, I honestly think they should have just piled up that cash and struck a match.

The Plot:

Donkey: Fuck me with a rusty tire iron if I know. Honestly, to say that this movie even has a plot is akin to saying that Intelligent Design is in any way, shape, or form actually associated with intelligence. The badly neglected story that this movie throws up onto the screen can only be described in an outline of its most basic terms, as deeper pondering will only result in a psychological form of ‘the bends’ called ‘AVHemorrhaging’, whose symptoms include comas, flash-undergarment-flooding, and permanent paralysis of the lower jaw. So I will attempt to spit this out as fast as possible before succumbing to these depths of despair and smashing my head into the keyboard in front of me:

One sunny morning, an alien arrives on Earth. From where did it come, why did it crash here, and how did it manage to reach US soil without a single government agency noticing? The movie doesn’t really give enough of a shit to tell us, so I suggest that you follow its lead and keep your mind focused on the task at hand. Its ship wipes out near a small town where it soon encounters the local human populace, or more specifically, a combination of their semi-literate journalists and semi-house-trained hillbillies. Immediately upon the alien’s discovery, a vicious cycle of despair begins: a human dies, so they all gather and try to figure out what to do. They explore the woods and someone else dies, so they immediately flee underground. Someone else dies, so they come back up to the woods. Someone else dies, so they go back underground, where someone else dies, so they come back up to the woods. Lather, rinse, repeat. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, the humans discover that an intergalactic hunter has also come to the Earth in pursuit of the alien. However, it spends far more time trying to kill the humans than it does the alien, so the entire premise behind the Alien Vs Hunter title is pretty much traded away faster than a Rolex in the hands of a crack addict. Finally, one of the humans manages to overcome his incredible burden of extreme stupidity and kill the alien. Witnessing this, the hunter fucks off for no foreseeable reason and the town’s decimated population of three people rejoices. And that’s the end of the……..shit……..too late……..everything going dark……..tell your mom I love her…kjnkilasgtfubuosajsgipoooooooooooo…

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: Our third Asylum experience, Alien Vs Hunter.

Donkey: Featuring William Katt, the dude from The Greatest American Hero, playing Lee, the main character.

Milobar: I don’t even know who, or what, the fuck that is. Nor do I care.

Donkey: It was a show in the 80′s that I can’t actually remember a single thing about, save an unpleasantly tight red outfit. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a full episode. I just know it’s his claim to ‘fame’.

Milobar: I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that this movie is his claim to ‘shame’. The movie begins with Lee running up a hill with his iPod on, so he of course doesn’t notice the fireball that goes shooting by behind him to crash nearby. A very poignant commentary on the iPod generation. Who knew an Asylum film could be so deep?

I am woman, hear me roar...

Donkey: I don’t care if that iPod is blasting Iron Maiden’s Run To The Hills at its highest volume level, that’s the kind of shit that you’re going to have to notice. It would be one thing if that was sailing through the sky miles away, off in the distant horizon, but that flaming atrocity ends up crashing not too far away from him. I’m imagining the ground is going to shake a little bit.

Milobar: Fuck that, I’m pretty sure this dude makes a habit out of ignoring attention grabbing catastrophic events since he’s running up the middle of a highway. This motherfucker is so extreme he doesn’t even want to be able to hear the high speed traffic before it slams in to him.

Donkey: Especially since the first vehicle that enters the scene drives up behind him and the dumb ass doesn’t even notice. If that car had come speeding around the corner and didn’t see him there, this might have been a mercifully short film.

Milobar: Even though the vehicle doesn’t have any Police logos or Police lights on it, the guy driving has what could be loosely described as a Police uniform on, so I guess it’s supposed to be a Police cruiser.

Donkey: It’s just a dude in a costume that they obviously rented, riding in an SUV that they convinced someone to bring to the set. Actually, I’m willing to bet that’s how this guy got the part of Sheriff Armstrong. He had a car and he was willing to drive it around in a couple of scenes for free. We hear the sound of sirens as this vehicle approaches, and yet there are no sirens anywhere to be found on that vehicle. Once the sheriff gets his attention, he repeatedly asks Lee to join him, which seems kind of odd. It’s not often that you see cops begging reporters to accompany when they’re on their way to the scene of an incident.

Milobar: “Come on, reporter guy! Come with me and write this story and you’ll get the Pulitzer Prize for sure! I’m a small town sheriff, so you can trust that I’m sitting on the board that decides who to hand out the award to.” But in the end, it’s doughnuts that convince Lee to come along, and he makes an almost believable production of how DELICIOUS THESE DOUGHNUTS LOOK!

Donkey: After driving further up the hill, and I’m imagining avoiding uncomfortable silence by mutually recounting stories about picking up and exposing their penis to hitchhikers, they pull up next to an RV, which appears to be nothing more than an average sized motor-home. But this white trash estate hides a desperate secret.

Milobar: As Lee walks around behind the motor-home, he sees what the fireball was at the beginning of the movie; an alien spaceship that has crashed kind of behind the motor-home. So this average sized motor-home managed to hide this entire alien spaceship.

Look where? Flaming wreckage where? Directly ahead of me? Seriously?

Donkey: That’s pretty impressive when you account for the fact that the alien ship is smoking, with sparks shooting out, and there are exploding noises every few moments.

Milobar: How the hell do you not notice that thing? An alien emerges from the wreckage to attack the cop while Lee flees for his life. The Asylum won’t let you see what’s going on, of course, because they can’t afford any kind of special effects.

Donkey: This is the first time that we see the alien of the Alien Vs Hunter duo, and it looks absolutely glorious. We are treated to blurry, extreme close up shots of the sheriff as he quickly abandons the ‘shoot-this-fucker-in-the-face’ tactic in favor of the much more effective ‘cower-and-whimper’ technique, as he is either eaten or sexually molested by the alien. It’s kind of hard to tell which.

Milobar: While the sheriff is being molesteaten Lee is ducking down in the driver’s seat of the police car and screaming “ooooooooohhhhhhhh!”.

Donkey: I’m not exactly a method actor myself, but this looks more like he’s blowing a load into his pants than like he’s terrified of something.

Milobar: The alien, fearful that William Katt’s inability to act is contagious, quickly disappears.

Donkey: Apparently this alien is considerate enough to not kill reporters. Or he’s decided to discreetly watch one masturbate. Suddenly, Tammy, a random black chick, runs up and bangs on Lee’s window only a few seconds later. How the fuck she got right up to the window like that without seeing the sizable fucking alien that was chewing on the sheriff’s taint a few feet away just seconds ago is beyond logical description, so we just won’t think about that.

Milobar: That’s awesome. The audio in this scene is not dubbed correctly. Tammy’s freaking out at the window of the vehicle and Lee starts spouting off half formed sentences: “You scared me… I was just sitting in my car… ” What? No you weren’t. You were cowering from a goddamn alien that just eatfucked the town sheriff!

Donkey: And it’s not your car either, Greatest American Liar. It’s the cop’s. After a couple of minutes of spitting nonsense at each other, Lee and Tammy escape on foot and we see a severed hand on the hood of the car. I guess that’s supposed to be the sheriff’s hand. Either that or he had one of the most fucked up hood ornaments I’ve ever seen.

Milobar: That whole conversation between the two of them didn’t make any sense at all, much like our choice to watch this piece of shit. And suddenly they’re in a house, which I am going to assume belongs to Lee.

Donkey: So even though the alien was killing someone right in front of them only moments before they decided to go on a little sojourn back to town, they actually managed to somehow escape and make it all the way back here to Lee’s house unscathed? Did they find the lost city of Atlantis or perhaps the body of Jimmy Hoffa along the way? Because that’s just as fucking likely.

Milobar: In an attempt to handle this crisis, Lee starts assembling what appears to be the writing staff of this small town’s newspaper. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? What are they going to do? Throw the weekly jumble at it?

Donkey: While Lee is on the phone in the other room, summoning the Super Friends to their office, Tammy is busy cleaning herself up in the bathroom. She pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of the trash can, which is apparently a rejection letter from a publishing company in response to a pop-up book or some shit that Lee had sent in. Say what you will about character development, but that just doesn’t seem even remotely noteworthy or relevant at this point in time. I can’t see trying to pull myself together in a bathroom, thinking, “fuck…hold it together, Big Shooter…sure, you just witnessed an extra-terrestrial sexual assault, but you’re still cool…oh hey, what’s this random piece of paper in the garbage all about? An unrelated rejection form-letter? Now this is just what I need at this precise moment in time! SHAZAM!”

As the Greatest American Clump of DickTartar finishes his phone call, Tammy joins him and they enter into yet another incredibly baffling and unmotivated argument, where she even goes as far as to call him a miserable failure in life. This seems like it got unnecessarily harsh at an insanely fast rate.

Milobar: Tammy insists she is not going back outside, but when Lee decides to leave on his own, she frantically screams she won’t stay inside without him. What? Make up your goddamn mind.

Perhaps strapping your camera to a pony while walking him around wasn't such a good idea.

Donkey: As Lee and Tammy start the long trek into town to meet at the newspaper office, we’re given a visual feast. The framing in a bunch of these shots is outstanding. Everything above their eyebrows is cut off completely. Sometimes you can’t even see their eyes. You just see from their nose down to their junk. I know I speak for Blombo when I say invest in a tripod, people.

Milobar: In typical Asylum fashion, these characters go from screaming at one another incoherently and hating each other, to acting like best buddies who’ve known each other for years, in about twelve seconds.

Donkey: This is just continuing to solidify the only constant in this movie, as nothing in any of the conversations so far has made any sense. I have no idea what the fuck these people are talking about. Moments later they decide that the best thing to do with a killer alien running around on the loose is to sit down and have a random heart to heart.

Milobar: After sharing some heartfelt stories about their childhood Pog collections, they notice a truck that’s driving past. They excitedly try to get the attention of the driver when suddenly…OH NO! The alien comes out of nowhere and body checks the truck into the woods!

Hey buddy! Can you spare a dollar? I need to buy legs that actually touch the ground!

Donkey: There are so many great things about this scene. But the real beauty is in the way that they put this mess together, making a visual shit heap look even worse. There’s a shot of the back of Lee and Tammy’s heads as they are looking on, trying to flag down the truck. Then there’s a separate shot of the alien darting across the road and attacking the vehicle, and then it cuts to a shot of the Lee and Tammy reacting to what they’re seeing (without being able to see what they’re looking at). Separating out the only part with the special effect so that it’s entirely on its own does two things, neither of which are good. First, it seems very, very low rent not to have the characters in the same scene, clearly showing them and what’s going on at the same time, because at that point you could have inserted anything. You could have stuck in a clip of Chuck Norris combing his beard while simultaneously playing a stand-up bass and killing a terrorist with his feet. It really wouldn’t matter. And second, having the special effect separate like that only serves to highlight it and make you pay particular attention to what you’re seeing, which is not good if it looks like a hot pile of camel dicks.

Milobar: What the fuck? Did they just magically teleport themselves to the newspaper office?

Donkey: So that’s twice now where they’ve been standing out in the goddamn open when the alien has made an appearance and then walked away just fine. But now that all the Super Friends are gathered at the newspaper office, they begin to argue over the matter at hand.

Milobar: Everyone seems to want to go to Valentine’s to use the satellite radio.

Donkey: But they can’t go there because Valentine hates Lee. Who can blame him?

Milobar: The requisite stoner dude seems to be the only character in this movie that isn’t fucking insane, since he’s the only one suggesting that they just leave town. I’ll tell you that’s exactly what I would do. Fuck aliens. Fuck the newspaper office. Fuck this town of inbred yokels. I’m getting on a goddamn motorcycle and getting the hell out of here.

Donkey: They move on to discuss who has died and who might be dead. They keep throwing out a bunch of names like it should mean something, but we have no idea who they’re talking about. What the fuck is going on? And how do they know what’s happened to these people? So far there have only been two sightings of an alien, both made by Lee and Tammy. Yet they keep making it sound like there have been catastrophic events throughout the entire town that have killed most of them. What the fuck are they talking about?

Milobar: When this movie started I would estimate it was supposed to be about 8 am, now it’s maybe 2 pm, so it’s not like a lot of time has passed. What the hell happened in this town and when?

This guy is like the herpes. He'll never truly go away.

Donkey: After arguing in circles with no resolution, the group decides to go as a collective and check out what happened to some dude named Garrison, who’s played by our favorite Asylum actor. Apparently he was the one driving the SUV that was knocked off the road moments ago. It skips to them walking through the woods when they find him just laying on the ground. Fuck, hold on. He was in a goddamn vehicle that had been attacked, he ended up just lying out in the open, and he hasn’t been killed? WHY!? Does the alien just really fucking hate Ford trucks?

Milobar: How the hell did they even find him? Hey you, yeah YOU, the guy we just found passed out on the ground. Where’s Scott? Answer our questions or so help me I’ll beat you into unconsciousness. At this point, I honestly wonder if they had any dialogue in the script or if this is just all ad-libbed.

Donkey: One of the members of the group, a woman named Marcy, takes Lee aside and starts making a lot of ridiculous assumptions. Garrison is alive, therefore Scott must be alive, and Joel, and…WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Milobar: Yes, I’m fairly certain there is someone, somewhere named Joel who is alive. But, fortunately for people named Joel, there’s no Joel anywhere in this movie honey.

Donkey: She then starts insinuating that Lee is making this whole thing about an alien up, complaining that he was the one who called her and woke her up with this crazy story. Really? He woke you up in the middle of the afternoon? How long was this chick sleeping?

Milobar: Apparently she was sleeping off a hard night of booze and roofies.

But seriously, if there is an alien running around in these woods, then let me be yanked away from above and carried off to my death. See? No alien.

Donkey: The alien isn’t without a sense of irony, however, as this Marcy chick gets snatched up right as she’s finished her little speech accusing Lee of fabricating the entire story. She gets pulled into the air randomly, and even though we can’t see what the hell just pulled her up, there are alien sounds in the background so I guess that’s good enough.

Milobar: Everyone scatters in to the woods and they all end up just wandering around, looking up into the branches, waiting for death to descend from above.

Donkey: The movie then shows a shot of the alien, just hanging out behind a tree, waiting for a chance to sell these people some hemp necklaces and filthy ponchos.

Milobar: I don’t understand why this alien is ducking and weaving behind trees. It’s larger than all of these people put together. It could pounce and kill them all instantaneously. None of these people have any weapons and the only thing imposing about them in any way is their lack of acting talent.

Donkey: After wandering around for a few minutes and accomplishing nothing, the Super Friends randomly decide to regroup, combine their powers, and accomplish a whole lot more nothing. Suddenly they turn to discover the alien is exactly two feet behind them.

Milobar: It’s getting ready to rush them and th-I’MA CHARGIN MAH LAZAH!

Ahoy! I need five stout men to work the bellows.

Donkey: Where ever did that laser blast come from? Alas, it’s the first appearance of The hunter.

Milobar: That codpiece is serious business.

Donkey: This metallic humanoid shaped character with a giant mushroom hat is apparently the alien’s nemesis.

Milobar: Whose ‘hunter vision’ basically looks like playing a fucking Virtual Boy.

Donkey: It’s red, very narrow in scope, and very grainy. And now they’re back at the office. WHAT? HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET BACK THERE AGAIN? Now Lee is having another heart to heart, this time with Hilary, whom we will later discover is his dysfunctional love interest, and again we have no fucking idea what they’re talking about.

Milobar: I have no idea who any of these people are, and, at this point, have no intention of finding out.

Donkey: Fuck no. The characters in this movie haven’t even properly introduced themselves, let alone all these other goddamn people that they keep talking about. As they’re all sitting around, Figgus the stoner pipes up and says that he has three ATVs at his house and that they should go and get them. Then another dude says, “I’ve got a Honda”.

Milobar: Okay. Thanks for adding that. A Honda what? Motor boat?

Donkey: It’s an ’89 Civic hatchback. It’ll haul ass through the woods like nothing else.

Milobar: Well I’ve got a Datsun. Great, if we could just convince the alien to get in and drive it somewhere, the problem will take care of itself when it randomly bursts into flames.

Donkey: As they once again begin arguing about what they should do, Garrison suggests that they “have to fortify the compound”. What fucking compound?!

Milobar: Does he mean the newspaper office?

Donkey: But despite all these perfectly reasoned diatribes, Lee is adamant that they have to go to Valentine’s. And we still have no fucking idea who this Valentine is.

Milobar: Garrison insists that they need to get to a working phone so he can call his wife, but refuses to go outside. I wish just one of these morons could make up their goddamn mind. Lee decides on a compromise and they set off for Valentine’s through… the catacombs? Dude, I think this movie just gave me an aneurysm.

AVH Drinking Game: count how many times they walk around the corner with that pipe running down it. You'll be hammered in ten minutes.

Donkey: Where the fuck are they now? In the ancient Egyptian burial chambers under the goddamn office? This is fucking ridiculous.

Milobar: I guess there’s some kind of caverns underneath the town that lead to the local lake. That makes perfect sense! Every town has those.

Donkey: This seems like a pretty fucking big thing to have in a small town. I can’t see any reason why they would have built this shit. And I love how Garrison keeps saying that he’s got to get to a phone to call his wife. Doesn’t that seem like a pretty big presumption, that she’s sitting by a working phone?

Milobar: I’ve got to call my wife to tell her that I forgot to set the TiVo to record Desperate Housewives. She’s gonna kill me!

Donkey: We’re forced to watch these assholes wander through tunnels for ten fucking minutes with nothing happening.

Milobar: Eventually one them notices that the alien is down in the tunnels with them. Maybe if they had taken ten seconds to think this plan through they would have realized being in an enclosed space would severely hamper their ability to avoid alien love.

Donkey: Javier, the proud owner of the Honda, is apparently cornered and killed by the alien a few moments later, while the rest of the characters simply move on without the slightest bit of remorse.

Milobar: But of course we don’t get to see the alien kill anybody. Just a shot of what is supposed to be him eating, or more likely humping, a corpse.

Donkey: This is the best part of this whole scene. We see an overhead shot as they appear to emerge from the underground tunnel system. But for the very next shot, the camera is facing them and you can see that they actually just walked out of a huge drainage culvert that is only about fifteen feet long, as you can clearly see the grass on the other side. So to simulate walking out of a tunnel system, they just walked through an underpass that goes under a goddamn road. THAT’S NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE.

The only way this could be better is if this shot was of them walking out of the front doors of a Safeway.

Milobar: All they had to do was hang a fucking black sheet at the other end of the culvert so that it would look like they came out of a tunnel. But instead we can see that they came from fucking nowhere. This is what makes a great shitty movie folks, they make no apologies for the lack of budget, acting ability, or direction.

Donkey: The movie transitions to show them arriving at Valentine’s house, which is apparently just a goddamn barn. Our group of heroes are about as excited as I would be to go anywhere near a place that looks like this incest factory, as they stand at quite a distance and yell for Valentine’s attention.

Milobar: Valentine appears on the roof and, in typical living in a barn asshat fashion, uses something to reflect sunlight into the eyes of the people standing on the ground for no reason.

Pictured above: a fine mustache using a hillbilly cell phone.

Donkey: As they plead their case for his assistance, Hilary starts listing off a bunch of people who are dead, and we still have no idea who she’s talking about. Valentine’s response? He raises a rifle and shoots in their general direction. Fuck, this guy is sweet. I love hillbillies. Almost as much as I love how he was blinding them not with a mirror, but just a metallic reflective surface. That’s not that goddamn bright.

Milobar: Oh, my eyes! Mild discomfort! This is worse than be eaten by the alien!

Donkey: Valentine eventually lets them in and asks what the issue is, as apparently he’s the only person in this town that doesn’t know that everyone else is dead. As Hilary begins recounting their tale, she says that there’s something out there. Some animal or something.

Milobar: Stoner dude emerges from his self induced haze to state: it’s an alien that crawls on the roof and looks like a spider on steroids.

Donkey: Thank you, Figgus. That’s only the second intelligent comment in the entire film.

Milobar: He’s the only person in this movie that has mentioned what’s going on at all. Everybody else is just running in circles and screaming at each other.

Donkey: They continue to describe the issue and again, they’re talking about people who we’ve never seen or heard from. Seriously, none of these conversations are making any goddamn sense. But just a moment later, the movie turns away from the Super Friends and we see the hunter, strolling around out in the woods.

Milobar: Grumbling to himself, “I know I left my keys around here somewhere…”

Donkey: Now that we get another good look at him, the hunter’s outfit looks like it consists of one of those old-timey diving apparatus and a goddamn mushroom helmet. He kneels down and I’m going to guess somehow manages to look through the ground to the catacombs below, and watches the alien who is still feeding on that dude.

Milobar: The alien sure is going to work on that dude’s crotch.

Is he eating that dude's penis? Or just trying to suck-start his heart through his scrotum?

Donkey: This alien loves the cock.

Milobar: Seriously? The hunter’s gun is basically just some PVC pipe and electrical tape. This movie so goddamn half-ass it’s ridiculous.

Donkey: As the our time with the hunter comes to an end, he looks off into the distance and then disappears. But Donkey, you ask yourself, how does he disappear? First, that’s a pretty odd question to ask yourself. I know that you’re reading this, but I’m not actually a voice in your head. If I was, rest assured that I would be pelting you with subliminal suggestions to go out and buy aviator sunglasses and entire cases of fat free cottage cheese. But to get back to the point, he disappears using the ancient art of basic film editing. One moment here’s there, then after a quick and obvious cut, he’s gone.

With that technical magic unleashed upon the world, the film then shows us that night is approaching with the very standard cinematic scene of the sun setting at an extremely fast rate. And yet it’s clear that it is definitely still daytime when they do all of the external shots that are to follow. They try to make it look like it is night by putting a really, really shitty filter over the camera lens. But there is clearly sunshine and shadows in all the shots.

Milobar: They’ve just washed out every color except blue, trying to make it look like night time.

Witness the dead of the night in an Asylum film, so deep and forboding that you can barely see your way back to the illuminated barn or the sunshine in front of your hands.

Donkey: Fuck, you can see the sunshine in the background. This is clearly fucking daytime! It’s one thing to try a couple of little tricks to see what you can get away with, but this isn’t even close. The movie turns back to the Super Friends as they continue to try to formulate a plan.

Milobar: Valentine’s trying to contact the outside world using Morse code. But even Morse code needs to be transmitted over something. If you don’t have a radio, that signal isn’t going anywhere.

Donkey: As he taps away at his transmission to nowhere, they hear noises coming from outside. Deciding to investigate, Valentine tells his daughter to take over with the messaging, telling her to call TwoFingers and his gang, as they need reinforcements. Wow. A dude named TwoFingers? This just got even more hillbilly.

Milobar: Valentine insists everyone accompany him outside to fight the alien, but of course he’s the only one with a gun.

Donkey: I guess everyone else is just supposed to piss on it. As they come out of the house to investigate, we discover that the alien is near by, as it quickly cuts to ‘alien-vision-cam’. And once again when it switches to the alien perspective, the camera is about a foot in front of their faces, so either the alien is insanely close to them or this is just completely wrong. But the alien’s not the only one trying to peep into the windows to see if he can catch some sad titties.

Milobar: The hunter removes his cloaking field and we see he is hiding in the trees like a sexual predator. Now he’s very slowly raising his gun, pointing it at Valentine, and then out of nowhere the alien attacks the hunter! Who saw that coming?

Donkey: At this point we see that the hunter was only about five feet in front of Valentine at the time. So the movie is not only suggesting that it’s nighttime right now, even though it clearly isn’t, but that the darkness is so thick that these people can’t see more than six inches in front of them. Valentine begins yelling and motioning for everyone to go back into the house. Yeah, no shit.

Milobar: There was no reason for them to come outside in the first place you dumb ass.

Donkey: Valentine stands and just watches the extraterrestrial grappling match, where after struggling to retrieve his gun, the hunter begins shooting at the alien. It makes it look like the alien is scooting out of the way as the hunter fires, but they couldn’t be bothered to animate much movement for its legs, so it looks like it’s just sliding along the ground. Or like a completely fake and uselessly inanimate object that has no business in any film that wasn’t shot on a cell phone. Either way.

Stand still! If I just keep firing at random, logic dictates that I'll hit you eventually!

Milobar: Fuck, the hunter didn’t even aim at the alien. He just pointed his gun on an angle and started shooting repeatedly. After the alien legs it, the hunter and Valentine decide to do a little bit of the Truffle Shuffle. Somehow Valentine manages to get behind and club the hunter with the butt of his gun.

Donkey: And as is usually the case when someone tries to punch out another person who’s wearing full metal armor using anything less than a freight train, Valentine’s attack is shrugged off and he ends up getting bitch slapped. The movie takes a moment to cut away from this playground shin kicking to show us the rest of the Super Friends, as the Greatest American Zero leads them to some escape route in Valentine’s floor that I’m not sure how he’d know even existed. So once again they end up underground in some kind of fucking cave system. But now that this is established, the movie goes right back to the main event.

Milobar: Valentine, laying on the ground staring up at the barrel of the hunter’s gun appears to be doomed, until he does a roll move and comes up… swinging on a rope? Firing an assault rifle? In what goddamn dimension does that make ANY FUCKING SENSE? And then of course they show us the same three shooting/dodging/rolling scenes to stretch the ‘action’ sequence out a bit.

Donkey: This movie should win a fucking award for going green, with all the goddamn recycling that it’s doing. Valentine then rolls into a hole and covers himself up with a tarp. Damn, this guy’s got madd skillz. What a superior warrior the hunter is dealing with here.

Milobar: This movie makes me feel about as smart as someone who works at Arby’s. The hunter isn’t just a dumb animal. He watched Valentine roll into that hole in the ground and cover himself. He should know where the fuck he is!

Donkey: Now that this fight has come to a baffling conclusion, the movie once again turns to everyone else, as they’re still crawling through the same dirt caverns under Valentine’s house. And once again, this is completely uninteresting.

Milobar: Eventually they end up in the massive underground catacombs again.

Donkey: How the fuck did they end up here? And again it’s time to sit through more extended scenes of them trudging through tunnels, with nothing happening.

Milobar: Until! Excitement! Valentine reappears!

Donkey: Once Commander CousinRaper makes his triumphant return, fresh from being thoroughly over-matched in every way, our team stands dumbfounded, waiting for him to tell them what to do next. Valentine explains that there’s an aqueduct that takes them to the main line that in turn leads them right to the power station. Wait, why do they want to go there? What the fuck is happening? But I guess I’m the only one asking any questions, because our group simply falls into line and follows without hesitation. But as they try to make their way down the tunnels, they run into a problem.

Milobar: A ‘wall of dirt’ is supposedly blocking the tunnel.

Donkey: And now that we’ve come to another point in the movie that requires a special effect, let’s take a moment to guess how they manage to fuck this one up before I go ahead and tell you. Ask yourself this question: if your movie had no budget whatsoever and you were required to create a wall of dirt, what would you do? If you answered “just film a close up of the ground,” then congratulations, you need to put a gun in your mouth and get ready to kiss the puckered anus of oblivion, because you think the same way as the Asylum special effects team. Just in case you missed that, I’m going to repeat it one more time: THEY FILMED THE FUCKING GROUND.

Eat your heart out, Pink Floyd. Now this is THE WALL.

Milobar: Well, Lee reaches forward, but when they show the shot of him brushing away some of the dirt, it just kinda moves to the left a bit and stays there.

Donkey: This is supposed to be a wall. A VERTICAL wall. So if you brush away dirt, IT SHOULD FALL. It’s a little thing we call gravity.

Milobar: Apparently gravity wasn’t in the budget for this movie.

Donkey: Once Lee brushes away about a three inch area of dirt, or just enough of an area to not be able to see anything clearly, they somehow find Tammy’s mother in that wall, so she starts freaking out. Or at least I think that’s why she’s freaking out. Maybe she’s just having the natural physiological reaction that any human being would experience once they truly come to realize that they’re in an Asylum film.

Milobar: Who the fuck cares? It could be Amy, or Joel, or Jacob, or one of the other million people that they’ve mentioned in this movie without explaining who the fuck they are.

Donkey: It actually wouldn’t catch me off guard in the slightest at this point if they had brushed away the dirt and found Jim Belushi for no apparent reason.

Milobar: Meanwhile the hunter is just running around aimlessly in the woods. And once again we get to see people emerging from a goddamn drainage pipe.

Donkey: Fuck, having to witness this the first time was like getting beaten with a sledgehammer. Having to see it a second time is like getting that same beating twice, followed up by being forced to watch a King Of The Hill marathon. Lee and Hilary stop with Valentine, seeing him off as they prepare to go their separate ways.

Milobar: If anything should happen in this ten foot long section of culvert, here’s a gun.

Donkey: You know, I don’t want to tell the crazed militia-leading product of cousin-fucking here how to do his job, but it might have been useful to have given other people a gun before now. I’m not sure, but that might have helped.

Milobar: Valentine’s not coming back? From where? Where the fuck is he going? What the fuck is he talking about?

Donkey: Watching Valentine caress his rifle like a most tender lover, Lee decides he wants a piece of that action and declares that he’s going to accompany Valentine into battle. Or on the quest to find the closest IHOP, whichever it is that he’s about to do. With Valentine an uncomfortably close distance from the two of them, Hilary then engages Lee in yet another conversation that doesn’t make any goddamn sense. At first she’s telling him not to be stupid, that it’s not his fight. Then she seems to be struggling, trying to tell him that she loves him. Suddenly kisses him on the forehead, slaps him, calls him a pervert, and says, “don’t look at those.” WHAT?! What the fuck is going on?

Milobar: I think they just fed a piece of paper into a typewriter, mashed down on the keys with their feet, and whatever came out was their script.

Donkey: I’m actually coming to believe that they held a contest where they asked the general public to submit scripts, then took a single page from each one just so that they didn’t have to pay anybody, mashed them all together, and this is what they came up with. Anyways, with Hilary turning back to meet up with the rest of the Super Friends that they left wandering in the tunnels, the two men set forth to engage in what will undoubtedly be a one-sided slaughter. And as they walk out of that goddamn underpass, they emerge into the daylight. So the movie is therefore suggesting that THEY WERE IN THE TUNNELS ALL GODDAMN NIGHT?

Milobar: Just wandering around, looking for a good sushi joint.

Donkey: There is no way that they spent an entire fucking night in there. But speaking of pointless sauntering, the movie then turns back to the others, whom of course are still wandering through goddamn tunnels. There’s no point to this scene as nothing even remotely interesting happens, but the movie is kind enough to remind you in case you’d forgotten. With that out of the way, we turn back to Lee and Valentine as they make contact with the rogue hillbilly militia.

Milobar: TwoFingers and the Merry Cornholers.

Donkey: TwoFingers explains to Valentine whom they’ve managed to gather and where they’re positioned. Valentine notices that someone named Boo Boo is apparently absent. According to TwoFingers, that asshole couldn’t make it since he had to pick up his kids at school while his wife is visiting her sister. Valentine is disgusted at the news. What, a man having to actually do something for his kids?! That’s bullshit, right there.

Milobar: A man should have as much time as he wants to go out into the woods and shoot his gun at things.

Donkey: TwoFingers asks Valentine what they’re hunting today, and Valentine tells him aliens. TwoFingers scoffs and says that it’s people like Valentine who give militias a bad name. No asshole, it’s militias that give militias a bad name.

Milobar: Or it could be the gonorrhea.

Donkey: These guys are a perfect example of why militias are goddamn clownshoes. It’s a bunch of fifth grade drop outs wandering around with guns while chugging beer. With that introduction complete, it’s now time to make our mandatory return to the people who are still wandering through tunnels.

Milobar: Garrison is being stalked by the alien. Goddamn it, all they do to simulate the alien’s vision is film the person standing out in the open and then show the same person in the exact same shot, just with a shitty filter. They could have at least switched to a different camera.

Donkey: Yeah, one that isn’t six inches from the characters face.

Milobar: After becoming separated from the rest of the group Garrison decides the best course of action is yelling at the top of his lungs. Fuck! They’ve shown people step around this same corner at least eight times already.

Donkey: They’ve spent more than half of this goddamn movie in tunnels, showing the characters moving along one painfully drawn out step at a time. I know you want to pad your film so that it’s not thirty minutes long, but fuck, can’t we speed this up at all?

Milobar: Oh boy, here’s what I’ve been waiting to see: hot mamma taking her shirt off.

Donkey: As Hilary begins stripping down to deal with the heat, she pauses and asks the rest of the group, “Do you hear that?” Hear what?

Milobar: Honey, this is an Asylum movie. We can’t hear shit.

Donkey: We can barely hear you talking, for Christ’s sake. But now they show us another quick shot of the Hunter ducking down and looking through the ground to see the alien who is still chewing on the same dude’s crotch. Fuck, I think that’s the same shot we saw earlier of that too. Does that mean that the alien went all the way back to eating that same fucking body as it was before, and the hunter is now back over top of it again? But before we think about this too much and get stuck in some kind of fucked up wormhole time continuum, it cuts back to Valentine and his squad roaming the hillside.

Milobar: The movie has inexplicably come full circle, back to the cop car parked by the motor-home that’s blocking the alien spaceship from view.

Donkey: It’s nice to see the bloody hand is still on the hood of the cop car and not one imbecile in this militia takes notice or finds that the slightest bit bizarre. Instead they wander past and come to a random house.

Little known fact: the RV is nature's camouflage, capable of cloaking objects 20 times its size, and the shame of its owners.

Milobar: The house is up on a hill, where they look down and see the cop car, the motor-home, and the alien ship. They can now clearly see that the alien ship is enormously bigger than the motor-home. I once again ask how the fuck they didn’t see that at the beginning of the movie? As the militia monkeys continue on their journey our friends in the catacombs have suddenly realized that Garrison is missing.

Donkey: As the rest of them begin searching the immediate five feet around them, just in case he’s playing hide-and-go-fuck-yourself in one of their shadows, it cuts back to Garrison and shows him walking around that exact same corner again.

Milobar: I swear there are only three hallways that make up this entire set. They just keep shooting them from different angles.

Donkey: Three hallways and a goddamn culvert.

Milobar: That’s a sweet budget. That’s some serious bling bling!

Donkey: Garrison is wandering slowly with a flashlight. You know, that thing could have probably come in handy a long time ago. Like when they were outside trying to fight the alien in the fucking dark.

Milobar: Or in the blue filter, to be more exact. Hey, is that alien poop?

Donkey: I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to be. As he’s stumbling around like a confused senior citizen, Garrison drops his flashlight into a pool of light colored mud that I guess could be shit.

Milobar: Since Garrison is two hundred feet underground it’s the perfect time for his phone to ring. He answers it and tells his wife that he loves her, and not to leave the house. And then we can’t hear the rest because of the typical shitty sound quality.

Donkey: At the end of his mumbled conversation, Garrison screams at the top of his lungs into his phone, telling his wife that he loves her. Fuck, easy there, asshole. I’ve got the phone right by my ear here, and unlike your stupid ass, I’m not hanging around in a goddamn tunnel. No need to yell like that.

Milobar: Could this go on any longer? It’s worse than watching Lord Of The Rings. I feel like we’ve spent nine hours walking just to throw this asshole into a volcano.

Donkey: Finally, the alien gets around to attacking and Mr. Garrison is dead. We can only hope that Ms. Chokesondick will now step in as a substitute.

Milobar: Fuck, this movie is putting me to sleep.

Donkey: The movie goes back to the rest of the Super Friends in the tunnels, and we see them walking around the same fucking corner AGAIN.

Milobar: As they exit out of the tunnels, FINALLY, into a big room with steam everywhere, we are treated to one of the finest lines ever uttered on film:

Tammy: “Guys, we’re in their ship and that totally sucks.”

Donkey: What? Seriously? What an amazing coincidence. That’s exactly what I would say if I suspected I was on an alien craft. Providing that I had a full frontal lobotomy first, of course.

Milobar: My first comment would be, “I wonder where they keep all the freaky alien porn.”

Donkey: Our bellows of laughter soon fade back into gentle sobbing and the film returns to the drunken militia, wandering through the woods. I don’t know what they’re even trying to accomplish here.

Milobar: Are they even trying to accomplish anything?

Donkey: I think they’ve actually given up on whatever primary goal they had before and have gone back to searching for illegal Mexican immigrants. They wander up and find a severed hand holding a walkie talkie. Was that supposed to belong to a member of their group? If so, WHO?? But it doesn’t really matter as they look up into the trees and find the alien there, just chilling out.

Milobar: And now in another great Asylum tradition, they are shooting their guns, but with the barrels off screen so that they don’t have to actually simulate gunfire.

Donkey: This is fucking ridiculous.

Milobar: At least Transmorphers, while confusing the goddamn shit out of me, had scenes that moved on from one to the next.

Donkey: Yes, at least it moved on in a linear fashion so that you were left with the impression that while shitty, it was at least telling some kind of story.

Milobar: This is like they just rolled some fucking dice and, oh a six, let’s throw that scene in. Then, oh a three! It’s like the writers had a Yahtzee tournament one afternoon and the script was made! Fuck, and now this guy has a bazooka?

Donkey: One of the drunken militia dudes, apparently named Marty, gets shot by the hunter and his goddamn laser. So is the hunter hunting the alien, the hillbillies, or because of the shitty visor on his helmet is he just shooting at anything that moves?

Milobar: My vote is anything that moves. I’m surprised he’s not shooting at the wind.

Donkey: Fuck, and again we can’t hear the dialogue.

Milobar: Back to the people in the ship, and they find another one of the hunter’s guns. More PVC pipe and tape.

Donkey: As their search for the stash of alien dongs continues, they go into another room and apparently find the body of another alien lying on a slab. One of them asks if it’s dead. Do you really want to take that chance? I’ll tell you what, Baby Einstein, maybe you shouldn’t stick around to find out.

Milobar: Or perhaps you should unload a couple of rounds into it from that space rifle that you found to be sure.

Donkey: The group now concludes that the hunter is, in fact, a hunter who is here on safari, stalking these aliens. It’s just a game to him. What? How? How do they have anywhere near enough information to reach that conclusion?

Milobar: It’s time for us to argue now, because we’ve been wandering around doing nothing for too long. In celebration of our argument let’s try to rip the alien apart! What? Why?

Donkey: Again, none of the camera shots show what they’re doing. They’re straining to do something, but we don’t know what.

Milobar: I’m gonna go with alien rape.

Donkey: The movie turns back to the militia as they continue to try to take on the alien and/or hunter.

Milobar: One of the militia dudes supposedly gets lifted off his feet, but we can’t see by what since nothing actually is.

Donkey: They proceed to unload their guns into the hunter, which does nothing, and then try to beat this piss out of him themselves. Valentine throws a bear hug around the hunter from behind. What the fuck was that supposed to accomplish?

Milobar: What kind of a Benny Hill routine is this bullshit?

Donkey: TwoFingers, showing a remarkable ability to learn fucking nothing by ignoring what happened only moments ago to the people who tried to do the exact same thing, runs up and starts unloading his rifle into the hunter’s face. The hunter plays with something on his wrist and proceeds to become invisible. This time instead of editing him out, they make him “invisible” by showing a quick flash and then turning the camera suddenly so that the hunter is out of frame. Fuck me. Seriously? So did the hunter become invisible, or just have a remote control for the camera on his wrist? But just as the hunter decides to exit the scene, the alien swoops in to clean up, attacking the random militia guy that was pulled into the air and dropped a moment ago.

Milobar: Lee tries to come to the rescue as he runs up and fires his gun. But as he fires, the special effect of the muzzle flash unsurprisingly doesn’t match up with the recoil of his gun.

Donkey: Valentine then tries to take on the alien in hand-to-hand combat.

Milobar: And very poorly, because only moments later, he’s dead.

Donkey: For some reason the alien then bolts off like he’s late for a formal dinner with Pee Wee Herman, rather than sticking around to finish off the only two humans who are left alive: TwoFingers and Lee. Everyone else is dead, so why not finish the goddamn job? Not bothering to question their luck, TwoFingers calmly turns to the Greatest American Failure and says, “let’s go.” Where?

Milobar: We need to get to the arcade!

Donkey: We’ll play some Pit Fighter. I get to be Buzz.

Milobar: Or perhaps some Mortal Kombat 3.

Donkey: Fuck, if that’s the case then I want to play as the shitty mall cop.

Milobar: Everyone wants to play as the shitty mall cop.

Donkey: Now the movie turns back to the small band of idiots hiding on the hunter’s ship. As the hunter returns and boards his craft, all of them duck behind a small box that isn’t even big enough to hide one of them, let alone all of them. Whew. That was close. It’s a good thing he didn’t turn his head slightly. Now it goes back to Lee and TwoFingers and they’re arguing over what to do next. Lee is saying that they need to call the military, while TwoFingers is saying fuck that, we don’t need no military. Yeah, because you’re doing a bang up job on your own so far, asshole. And now they start talking about people again and I have no idea who they’re talking about. Lee is telling TwoFingers that he can’t just leave because of…Freckles?

Milobar: Who the fuck is Freckles?

Donkey: Fuck, every scene that focuses on someone talking makes NO SENSE. This fucking movie DARES YOU to try to keep up.

Milobar: You couldn’t make a movie that makes this little sense if you tried. This movie is like a slap in the dink from an eighty five year old Korean woman with a hand covered in acid, razor blades, and Nair hair remover.

Donkey: And now TwoFingers and the Greatest American CumDumpster run across the rest of the Super Friends in the woods, just randomly for no apparent reason.

Milobar: Oh, and to answer my own question, Freckles is apparently Valentine’s daughter, although I don’t remember ever having heard her name before.

Donkey: Now that everyone is back together, they’re all shattered to hear that Valentine is dead. I can see why. He was a pretty lovable guy.

Milobar: If these dumb motherfuckers had just listened to Figgus in the first place and left the city, they’d all be safe. This movie is like taking a goddamn Shakespearean play and feeding it into an online translator, translating it into Chinese, then from Chinese to Russian, from Russian to German, from German to Japanese, and then from Japanese back to English.

Donkey: And then having a three year old try to read that English back to you.

Milobar: There’s a few words in there, some of them form sequences that could almost be sentences, but as for what the fuck they’re actually talking about, you couldn’t possibly guess.

Wait. Are they discussing how they’re going to trap the alien in a quarry, or a big open field? How exactly do you trap something IN THE OPEN? Fuck, why not just tie him up with some magical green puke rope?

Donkey: I honestly have no idea what’s going on at this point.

Milobar: Fucking insanity. That’s what’s going on. Lee and Hilary are discussing the hunter’s gun and what it’s made out of. What the fuck? How would either of you know anything about guns from outer space and what they’re made out of?

Even worse than realizing that an alien is about to kill you is knowing that he'll be using those bungee cables to strap you to the roof of his ship later.

Donkey: Suddenly Figgus lets out a yelp as he’s dragged and then held tight against a tree by bungee cables. Just regular old bungee cables. Not fancy, space-aged alien straps. Just fucking Home Depot bungee cables. As he struggles with his bonds, he’s impaled in the chest by a stick. Not a spear. A stick.

Milobar: TwoFingers rushes in to be killed by the hunter, although all we see is a flash and him falling to the ground. So I guess the hunter shot him.

Donkey: And now the alien has arrived, so we’ve got everybody at this shitty party.

Milobar: And they just used the same shot of the alien moving through the trees that they’ve shown about a dozen times already.

Donkey: To save few members of the group left alive, the Greatest American MonkeyTesticle tries to lure the alien over to him. Once he gets its attention, he rolls underneath netting that was covering a hole and hides just out of reach of the alien’s strikes. Why the fuck is that hole and netting there? Who put it there? And how did he know about it? Wait, what the fuck is that?

Milobar: Freckles just got vaporized.

The hunter takes aim with his Virtual Boy vision and picks off the most scared/retardedly-grinning member of the group.

Donkey: She screams, you hear a shot, and then she literally just disappears. Not in an explosive manner or anything like that. She’s clearly just edited out. Fuck, that gets more and more awesome every time they do it.

Milobar: There’s just a quick flash and she’s not there anymore. Fuck, these people are so stupid they deserve to be eaten alive by a spider alien.

Donkey: After crawling back out of his hole in the ground, somehow Lee manages to get his hands on the Hunter’s gun. It looks like he might just…OH JESUS. Lee shoots the alien with the intergalactic gun and it fucking EXPLODES.

Milobar: He only hit the damn thing once!

Donkey: Not only that, but there were points earlier in the film where the hunter managed to shoot the alien himself, with little to no effect. So why did this one shot make the goddamn alien explode? They show that terrible explosion, cut away, and then cut back to show the same shot of the woods with no trace of the alien or any sign of an explosion. I guess just to show us for sure that he’s gone.

Holy shit! Now that's an explosion! Talk about scorched earth motherfu...what? Really?

Milobar: Lee starts celebrating, jumping up and down, pumping his fist in the air.

Donkey: Lee turns to Hilary and Tammy and sees that the hunter has stepped in front of them. He just looks like kind of sad, like he’s just accepting that they’re about to die. What? You’ve got a gun in your hands that you just used to vaporize an alien. Why not just shoot at the fucking hunter?

Milobar: Because the hunter suddenly disappears and the women are fine, aside from having appeared in an Asylum movie.

Do either of you understand a single fucking thing that just happened?

Donkey: And now the three survivors, Lee, Hilary, and Tammy are all just standing there, laughing. They’re talking about how they’re all going to go off and live together and that the reporter should write about what happened. What?! Are you fucking insane? WRITE ABOUT WHAT?! All your fucking conversations that didn’t make any goddamn sense? And why the fuck have these three assumed that just because the hunter has disappeared, he’s gone for good? He’s disappeared multiple times and then come back.

Milobar: As the three most uncharismatic characters in the history of film stumble off in to the sunset, we see the hunter back at his ship. It’s time for the big reveal folks! The helmet is coming off.

Donkey: He’s just a dude. And a douchebag at that, as he has a smoke and chugs a beer. He talks about how he may have finally found some worthy opponents, and that they might have to do another hunt.

I love a good smoke after I fuck an audience right in the brain.

Milobar: The computer asks him if she should prepare the checklist for his arrival on Earth, which makes it sound like the hunter might be a human from Earth and the planet he was just on wasn’t Earth.

Donkey: Fuck, how can that be? So this planet has the fucking Pulitzer Prize? They’re mentioning all kinds of other human institutions. This has to be Earth.

Milobar: I didn’t think it was possible for this movie to make less sense at this point, but it just fucking did. Thanks Asylum! Thanks for punching my brain in the face.

Donkey: I can’t help but notice that the running time of this movie is a true staple of Shitty Movie Night. Like so many others before it, it’s over in eighty two minutes. And fuck did they really stretch it to make it to eighty two minutes.

Milobar: This ‘story’ could have been told in twenty minutes. It made so little sense that it’s almost like they were writing a different script and then just randomly threw in the alien and the hunter as an afterthought, just to cash in on the Alien Vs Predator movies.

Donkey: I’m guessing that it was originally a romantic comedy. And apparently one that was set in a series of underground tunnels, considering that’s where they spent most of the fucking movie.

The Verdict:

Donkey: This is one of the greatest Asylum movies of all time, and a serious contender for the title of their champion. Watching this cinematic bowel obstruction is like farting into a bottle and saving it to dispense into the face of your spouse/sibling/employer at a later time. It’s really hard to do, and even if you somehow manage to pull it off, you quickly realize that it was a fucking stupid idea in the first place. Just stick to burping and blowing it in their faces when they open a door for you. Isn’t that right James, you asshole? But as I’ve said before, it’s that kind of hilarious failure that results in a great Shitty Movie Night, and Alien Vs Hunter delivers in every way imaginable. I give it five walls of dirt out of five reuses of the same fucking scene.

Milobar: After watching this piece of garbage I’m honestly having a hard time forming cohesive sentences. Fuck, that movie was so aggressively confusing I think it made everything else in my life make a little less sense. My hat is off to you Alien Vs Hunter. You would think your name alone might suggest that we would get to see an Alien fight a Hunter, but instead all I saw was a bunch of assholes wandering around the sewers for an hour and a half. And that’s just the tip of the mindfuck iceberg. I give this one five catacombs out of six dude we’re in their ship and that totally sucks.

What We Learned:

Donkey: If you’re going to make a movie, you don’t need an intelligible story, coherent dialogue, likable characters, decent actors, moderately believable special effects, entertaining action sequences, a variety of more than three sets, or any semblance of basic continuity, as long as you’ve got….umm…shit, what does this movie have? Oh yeah, the Greatest American Wad of Cocksnot.

Milobar: If anyone ever has a gun pointed at you, just do a duck roll. You’ll somehow magically come up swinging on a rope and shooting an M16, and unless that motherfucker trying to kill you has a fancy space suit that looks like it was cobbled together out of a Halloween costume from 1985 and a flat of recycled beer cans, you’re pretty much guaranteed to be eating shitty asshole steaks for dinner!

Don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: The depths of space collide with the depths of the arbitrary as we sail along with THE ICE PIRATES.

Back To The Main Page.

100 passengers and 2,000 vipers? I don't want to shock anyone, but this movie contains neither.

Donkey: There could be no denying that Transmorphers had upped the ante for Shitty Movie Night with production values that none of us had dreamed possible. A certain existential line had been crossed, as we had attained a level of knowledge not meant for the human brain. There was no going back. And like any junkie after their first hit, we were looking for more. We had spent a solid two weeks of sobbing ourselves into exhaustion while pondering how the hell someone has the fucking nerve to release a movie where you can’t hear half the dialogue, broken only by a futile attempt to fill the void with the tale of four assholes and their marvelous adventures in taint licking. It was then that Milobar found a movie that I had seen briefly on video store shelves some time earlier and had stored away in the recesses of my subconscious for future use…Snakes On A Train. The movie’s Hollywood inspiration, Snakes On A Plane, was a hilarious and outstandingly shitty movie in its own right, so we didn’t know how much lower this one could get. But never doubt, my friends. There is one rule that has been reinforced time and time again for us over the years; just when you think that you couldn’t possibly find something worse, you’ll always manage to sink to new lows. And like the song said, we had only just begun…

The Plot:

Donkey: Snakes On A Train is the tale of one night spent on a cylindrical metal tube-like method of conveyance separated into various subsections as it hurdled down a track, filled with similarly shaped reptilian creatures that represented various levels of venomous danger. I’m actually not sure what half of those words meant, so I could be wrong, but I think what I’m trying to say is that it’s a movie about snakes on a goddamn train.

This heartwarming tale belongs to Brujo and Alma, two illegal aliens from Mexico who have snuck across the US border in search of the same dream that so many of their countrymen flock to: meeting an uncle in Los Angeles that will cure Alma of a horrible Mexican curse that causes her to vomit snakes. Ah, that old story. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard it, I could buy and sell you all like the world’s third or fourth finest boxed wine. They manage to stowaway on a train headed to LA with a small group of other future gardeners and laborers, but tensions run high among the compatriots as the young couple can’t afford the same fare that the others paid in order to secure their safe passage. Despite a childhood friend of Alma’s named Miguel, who just happens to be on the same train, coming to their aid and paying their fee, the conflict eventually boils over when the others attempt to buy weed from them and discover Alma’s dark secret, forcing Brujo to use his Ultra-Mexican-Wizard powers to grapple with them. The distraction naturally sets up a series of events that result in Alma’s snakes escaping into the rest of the train. As those snakes begin to increasingly terrorize the scant group of fellow passengers, Brujo does his best to quietly gather them while working to prevent the train’s journey from being brought to a premature end. But time, circumstances, and elementary logic are not on his side, and eventually our fable comes to a horrifyingly ridiculous climax that will haunt the dreams of all those who dare to witness.

The Case For Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Donkey: Snakes On A Motherfucking Train! This is a Mallacchi Brothers film, which therefore means that someone thought this film required a group effort. I can’t believe that two people are actually responsible for this.

Milobar: But only one vagina.

Donkey: Indeed. And their mother should be ashamed. Wait, hold on…I just looked this movie up on IMDB and it says that the movie was actually directed by “Peter Mervis as the Mallacchi Brothers”. What?! How the fuck can I take your movie seriously if you’re so embarrassed by it that you not only won’t use your own name, but need to further secure your anonymity by using two fake ones instead?

Milobar: The movie opens with Brujo dragging his girlfriend Alma across the desert. Man, I feel bad for these two actors. They didn’t know what they were getting themselves into.

Donkey: The shit we’ll make people do for a green card.

Milobar: People picking fruit manage to maintain more dignity than these two.

Donkey: As they trudge through the desert, the young couple reach a warning sign on a barbed wire fence, marking the US border. That’s it? That’s the US border? Maybe Lou Dobbs isn’t as big of an idiot as I had suspected. No, wait…he still is.

Anyone else notice the Illegal Access warning is facing towards the US side of the border? I think I may have just discovered 98% of the problem with illegal immigration.

Milobar: The barbed wire is well spaced so it’s very easy to squeeze underneath it. Keeping the border safe, one illegal immigrant unable to crawl on their stomach at a time. After their daring dash across arbitrary national boundaries, Alma starts to get nauseous and they hunker down beside an old burned out truck.

Donkey: Brujo begins chanting and rubbing an ointment into Alma’s forehead, as well blowing smoke from a pipe into her face. I’m not really sure if this is supposed to be a bizarre healing ritual, or if he’s finally convinced her to try anal sex for the first time and is just prepping her up for a night of sand-filled ass loving by getting her crazy high.

It's a good thing they cast a desperate bulimic, or this would get old for her very fast.

Milobar: Come on, baby. Loosen up. It only burns like a bad rash the first couple of times. WINK. Of course her reaction, like most women I have propositioned with that exact same phrase, is to start coughing up green puke and… snakes? How the hell do you convince an actress to do this?

Donkey: Considering this woman’s role is composed of puking up bright green shit and snakes for almost the entire film, I’m going to guess that this was simply a better alternative than going back to working the Drive Thru at a Taco Bell. As they’re prepping for a sodolicious good time, a white dude acting as their coyote shows up and they tell him that they need to get to Los Angeles.

Milobar: Coyote Jim, worried about being spotted by the Minutemen, yells at Brujo and stomps their fire out. Of course, if I were in his shoes, I’d be less concerned about the fire and more concerned about the very apparent spotlight shining in the background.

Donkey: The coyote tells them about a train that’s conveniently headed to LA and offers to put them on it for three hundred dollars, just as the snake that Alma wretched up moments ago is seen climbing up his pant leg.

Milobar: “Something bit me, goddamn it!” For a snake that small, the bite mark is huge, and we are soon shown why. The snake apparently slithered inside of him. I don’t think the goddamn Mallacchi Brothers actually know how snakes work.

Donkey: That’s…um…awesome. And about thirty seconds later, he’s dead. Wow. Those snakes work fast, especially considering that was only his shin.

Milobar: Of course, the next thing we see is the train, and the Mexican couple trying to sneak on to it to get to LA.

We love this dude. And trust us, you're going to be seeing him a lot.

Donkey: I’d love to know how they got there, considering that Coyote Steve didn’t tell them where they were or in what direction they needed to go to get to this station before he dropped dead. So unless these assholes have a GPS, that’s some pretty good guess work. As they’re looking for a way to sneak onboard, the couple comes across one of our favorite recurring Asylum actors (whom we’ve already seen playing a character in the doomed strike force that was left for dead at the beginning of Transmorphers), portraying another illegal alien named Chico. After begging and pleading, Chico lets them board the car that he and a group of fellow illegal stowaways have paid to hide in. Brujo and Alma are then confronted by the two others, Juan and Julio (goddamn, these are some thoughtful Mexican names) demanding that they pay their way. All seems lost when suddenly this random dude named Miguel comes to their defense. Who is this dude?

Milobar: Mexicans stick together.

Donkey: Apparently only one out of every four stick together. The rest are ready to throw sick countrymen out to die. It turns out that Miguel is a friend of Alma’s from childhood. Isn’t that just an amazing coincidence? Really, what the hell are the odds of that?

What did you just say about President Taft, punk?

Next the movie takes a moment to introduce the rest of this motley cast, beginning with the train’s lone conductor, a man with a sweet handlebar mustache that connects up to his mutton chop sideburns, as he walks around collecting tickets. That is some awesome facial hair. Apparently this is his last shift before be begins an exciting new career as a grizzled 1890′s prospector. He collects tickets from the various passengers as they board and take seats. There’s two single white people, a man and woman who appear to be in their late thirties. You can just smell the awkward romance that’s going to ensue between these two, and it smells like a mixture of reheated Kraft Dinner and unrealized expectations. Man, these two are so fucking white that I suddenly feel like I’ve been suckered into watching an extended illegal Mexican Gap commercial. And that’s just reinforced by the next group to arrive; a gaggle of three disgustingly stereotypical teen-aged boys. Radical! They’re surfers just looking for that perfect wave and someone who will put up with their shitty acoustic guitar skills. But before we can focus on our hatred of them too much, in stumbles a family, consisting of two young parents with a very small girl.These two are obviously trapped in a loveless battle of apathy with a living reminder of their neglectful approach towards birth control yapping around their ankles.

Milobar: Enter my favorite victim, and a true diamond in the rough, Sad Titties. She and her friend Summer are talking about going to LA to become actors. Suddenly a comedy routine by David Cross springs in to my mind. They’re most likely going to be totally unsuccessful, stumble into the only thing more shameful than porn, an Asylum film, and have their acting wishes perversely granted by playing themselves in a movie about two clueless women traveling to LA to start an acting career.

Left: Kate Mulgrew, Right: Someone you will forget about in 30 seconds

Donkey: As the two twenty-something year old girls sit down, Crystal (lovingly known as Sad Titties) starts freaking out about this “Middle Eastern” dude that’s been staring at them from the other end of the passenger car, like, you know, forever.

Milobar: He doesn’t even look Middle Eastern. He looks like a white dude with a tan.

Donkey: And let’s put this in perspective. These two girls got on the damn train about thirty seconds ago. That doesn’t really warrant that kind of freak out, even if he had been looking at them for that entire thirty seconds.. It’s not like he’s been leering at them for over an hour, for God’s sake.

Milobar: And at the last minute some random cowboy shows up.

Donkey: A swarthy motherfucker with a shitty hat? Perfect. Finally we have all our players in this shitty ensemble. Let the assault on the very foundations of our reality commence. And now that all of our players have arrived, the train begins its journey and the movie turns back to Brujo and Alma.

But your snakes come...wait, do I seriously have to say this shit?

Milobar: Alma, looking worse than the hooker bodies Blombo keeps in the trunk of his car, says that everyone has snakes inside of them. Brujo’s witty response? “But yours come out.” Okay, I’m about done with these two fucking morons.

Donkey: That’s so fucking deep that I’m reaching for my snorkel gear. Seriously, I need a wetsuit lest I freeze and drown in that goddamn philosophical lake of brilliance.

Milobar: Actually, if you believe that everyone has snakes inside of them, I would call that pretty FUCKING INSANE.

Donkey: While talking about how they’re getting to LA to meet up with Brujo’s uncle, it is revealed that they believe the uncle can put the snakes back inside of Alma and make her whole again. Before your brain melts and pours out your ears as you try to picture how that could possibly be done, let’s take a step back for a moment and think about that, because the very foundation of this conflict is just cocktastic. How is it that she throws up parts of herself that have converted into snakes and manages to live for more than thirty seconds? This chick has clearly been chugging along for what has probably been days. Hours at the very least. What internal parts of your body can you possibly lose and still live, even when it is just a part a time?

Milobar: Judging by the people in this movie, self respect, common sense, and shame.

Donkey: Well it’s not like you can puke out a large part of your liver and then just hit the town for a night of roller-disco dance fever. You’d be way more fucked up than this. And just to highlight my point, Alma goes into another gagging fit and again we see this chick throwing up more of the green Jell-O substance/snake combination. Seriously, how many times do we have to watch this?

Milobar: Glub glub glub! There’s always room for Jell-O!

Donkey: Sensing that there are Jell-O Pudding Pops to be had, our old friend Chico comes over to survey the scene. First he asks for weed for him and his men, believing Brujo and Alma to be dope smugglers. But once he discovers all the snakes that Brujo is toting along in jars, he freaks out.

The truth is that this doesn't actually seal anything. He has mouth herpes and no one wants to go anywhere near that.

Milobar: Our significantly less cursed Mexican friends seem to agree with us and decide to attack the snake lady, but Brujo blinds them by blowing dust in their face and then traps Juan and Julio in a conveniently placed cage that he secures with a magical rope covered in green vomit. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. If you’re a goddamn moron.

Donkey: Like so many of these shitty movies, they don’t even bother to address this in any way. I understand why Alma is puking up that shit, per se. But how the hell did he just throw that up? And why did it magically bind that rope? Are we not going to talk about this at all? Really? Fuck…fine. Moments later, Brujo chases down Chico as he tries to escape and they begin a dramatic fight scene between cars, as these loud, screeching images of the tracks keep fading in and overlaying the scene. I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be symbolic, or some asshole’s idea of an artistic statement, but that’s just goddamn annoying. And after a very badly choreographed struggle, Brujo stabs Chico in the throat and kicks him off the train. So long, friend. See you in the next Asylum film.

Milobar: I’m surprised that Brujo didn’t have a catch phrase to yell out right then. Something like, “I guess this is your stop”, or “next stop, the ground!”

Donkey: With that situation temporarily resolved, our attention gets switched back to seeing the single white electrical engineer who keeps looking back at the only single white female in the passenger car. You can practically hear his thoughts out loud: how can I manage to show her my penis?

I am offensive in my inoffensiveness.

Milobar: There’s nothing like watching horribly awkward flirting on film.

Donkey: His great opening line is “do you have the time?” That’s a sweet move, and very true to real life, it’s followed by terrible and uncomfortable dialogue that’s not clever or interesting in the slightest. Put a gun to my goddamn head and end this. This isn’t funny or entertaining, and it’s not insightful into life or the human condition. It’s just goddamn frustrating to have to witness. If I want a goddamn touching romance between two idiots that closely mirrors real life, I’ll watch Dude, Where’s My Car? In the meantime, let’s get on to the fucking snakes with the bitey-bites. Finally, it starts to look a little more promising as the three teen-aged boys loudly enter the car and one of them has something that he can’t see slither past his leg. Of course, we don’t actually see anything either, as they don’t even so much as move the camera. There’s just a sudden dramatic blaring of music and we have to take his word as to why.

Milobar: Did that dude just say gnarly?

Donkey: Apparently these guys just rode in on skateboards from 1988. That’s rad.

Milobar: Bodacious!

Donkey: I’d like to take a moment to point out to our readers that by this point we can say with certainty that this train looks fucking nasty. Seriously. I understand that the rail industry isn’t doing very well but for god’s sake. This looks like it was just returning from Auschwitz when they stopped it to film a movie. Fuck, two of the four cars we see in this movie are full of garbage. What are they hauling? Where are they going? To the Los Angeles city dump? But with that tirade out of the way, the movie turns to the young family sleeping in their cabin, Mitch and Nancy along with their child, Lani. After Lani stumbles back from the bathroom, claiming that she saw a snake in there, Nancy tries to wake up Mitch and prod him to go check it out.

Milobar: “Mitch. Mitch!” Look asshole, Mitch is asleep. Okay? After being violently extricated from dreamland, Mitch groggily informs his spawn that there are no snakes on this train, and then asks how she thinks they would possibly get in. What do you mean how would they get in? It’s a goddamn train!

Donkey: Last I checked, this train was connected to the ground and it comes to stops for significant periods of time. It’s not a goddamn space station in orbit. An industrious snake could crawl up there on its own, even if you discount the very distinct possibility that it’s someone’s missing pet who brought it onboard and then lost it.

Milobar: Being an excellent father figure, Mitch ignores his daughter, rolls over to go back to sleep, and gives us a sweet shot of his tighty whities. Fuck, thank you for that.

This is what is known as a Mexican bidet.

Donkey: Sweet skid marks there, dude. Nancy gets up and checks the bathroom with their daughter, and after they leave, we get what is supposed to be a shocking and terrifying shot of a snake as it starts coming out of a roll of toilet paper. Fuck, how big do they think a roll of toilet paper is? There’s no way a snake could hide in there without you seeing most of it hanging out the other side.

Milobar: “Hey guys! If I didn’t know better, I’d say this roll of toilet paper was a snake.”

Donkey: Now as they’re settling back down to bed and the scene is about to cut away, we see that a snake is slithering under the covers into daddy’s bed. Ominous.

Milobar: After that dramatic and touching scene, Brujo takes a moment to finally reveal what is wrong with Alma. She’s been stricken with an ancient curse called… “The Snakes.”

Donkey: That’s insanely creative. He explains that she was originally supposed to marry a wealthy man but instead decided to run away with him, so her enraged family put this curse on her.

Milobar: Now admittedly, I’m not Mexican, but I think that might be a bit of an overreaction.

Donkey: As Brujo is revealing this intensely unbelievably premise to Miguel, Julio and Juan, who are still trapped in the cage which is being bound shut by the puke rope, taunt them from their cell. Rightly so, as these people and their goddamn story are about as worthy of respect as a child rapist, but if I were in a cage that was being held shut by a dude’s puke while his girlfriend is throwing up snakes every couple of minutes, I might just keep my goddamn mouth shut.

Milobar: I personally wouldn’t be trying to get out of that cage. They’re probably safer inside it.

Donkey: With that terribly insightful scene over, we turn back to Crystal and Summer sitting in the dining car, as Crystal is explaining how a guy named Mark, who is presumably one of their ex-boyfriends, gave them five thousand dollars to take something to a friend of his in LA. What it turns out that she’s carrying is a rather substantial package of coke in her purse. Not wrapped or hidden. Just sitting in her purse. I know that trains probably aren’t the pinnacle of security, but come on, you really thought it was a good idea to just try to carry that in your bag next to your lip liner? The scene ends with them noticing that the Middle Eastern dude is still following them, and then a random snake slipping by Summer’s boot. So in summary, these two have an intellectual capacity that barely keeps them from constantly drooling all over themselves. Thrilling.

As we turn once again to our Mexican friends, Miguel tries to convince Bujo to take Alma to see a doctor, as “they might be able to do some x-rays or something.” Yeah, because this is a very common ailment that any doctor can treat, one step down from the clap. A little penicillin and she’ll be fine.

Milobar: “Guts turning into snakes, eh? I’ve seen this before a hundred times. You just need a little bit of Robitussin and some warm milk.” Meanwhile the two Mexican dudes who were tied in a cage all of five feet away, have managed to escape without anyone noticing.

Donkey: Now that’s pretty fucking sneaky. Perhaps like people in so many other shitty movies, those guys have the famed ‘Ninja Teleport’ power. We catch up with Juan and Julio as they are looking at a bag that they stole from Brujo. Wait…they escaped AND managed to steal a fucking bag? Without being noticed? Fuck, these two would make better covert operatives than Remo Williams. As they riffle through the bag which contains the pipe that Brujo had been using to blow smoke into Alma’s face, they crack into a tin that they’ve pulled out, thinking that it’s weed. Of course, it actually turns out to be snakes. And naturally, one immediately crawls into Juan’s wrist.

I think you misunderstood the word 'Anal' in the Anal Bead instruction manual

Milobar: And there goes snake number two into Juan’s heterosexual life mate’s wrist.

Donkey: And in the great Asylum tradition, the audio for this scene, like some many others, is shit. The two of them are screaming and it is so loud that you’d think they had discovered a way that they could both deep throat the boom mic at once. Even at the lowest volume, it still seems like your television’s speakers are about to catch fire.

Milobar: Brujo arrives to save the da-HOLY SHIT! Did he just rip out that dude’s heart with his bare hands? Who the fuck is this guy? The Mexican, non-union equivalent of Superman?

I know it looks bad, but he's actually just installing a pacemaker. It's fast and cheap, if you don't mind a scar that looks like you were playing rugby with a landmine.

Donkey: The amount of shit that this guy can do, with no explanation as to why, is getting fucking ridiculous. Once he’s collected the snake from Juan’s heart, he then uses a knife to retrieve the other one out of Julio’s forearm. Now that’s just goddamn neighborly of that snake to have stayed there, rather than traveling to his heart, seeing as Juan and Julio both got penetrated at about the same time. Speaking of which, a gradual ache in my lower intestine is really causing me to feel like this movie is penetrating me. And while Juan drifts off to whack that giant pinata in the sky, Brujo leaves Julio to suffer his fate, insinuating that now that he’s been violated by a cursed snake, his insides will make the same unholy transformation. Wait, if that’s true then why did Coyote Frank just drop dead? Why didn’t he end up being infected with ‘the Snakes’?

The movie once again returns to Crystal and Summer, who are arguing over the large bag of coke. When Summer demands that Sad Titties ditch the stash, Crystal reveals that she can’t get rid of it or give it back because she’s already spent three out of the five thousand dollars they were given for this. Why would you tell your friend that you were given five grand if you’ve already spent three of it? Why not just say that you were given two?

Milobar: Because she’s a fucking idiot.

Donkey: After undoubtedly leaving heaping, clogged toilets in the bathroom and taking part in an awkward exchange with Hoover the Cowboy, the girls sit down at a booth in the diner car only to have Julio stumble up to them, mumble something in Spanish, throw up a bunch of black shit, and wander out. Fuck, that will ruin your dinner.

Milobar: The lunch lady picks up the phone and says “Mr. Jenkins, he’s coming your way.” Who’s coming my way, Gladys? What the fuck are you talking about?!

Donkey: The only other sentence that the lunch lady says to this Mr. Jenkins is that she’ll keep her eyes open until the police come. What? Did someone call the cops in the last fifteen seconds that I just didn’t notice? Because I was pretty sure that no one’s done anything yet. But before the scene ends, Hoover the Cowboy plops himself down with the two young women and identifies himself as a cop.

Milobar: And it’s time to take Sad Titties for a little mano e breasto chat.

Donkey: Just before he takes her away, Summer says, “You don’t look like a cop, you look like a dealer.” Why, that’s a valid point you’ve got there, Summer. Gold star for you! Because no undercover cop has ever looked like a grease ball before. They all wear freshly pressed slacks, sport a cop mustache, and rock out in a hat that says “Undercover, bitches”. Well done. Have a cookie. But while we leave Summer to undoubtedly continue her groundbreaking research into Quantum Physics, the movie turns its focus back to our flirtatious single white people. As they regale each other with enchanting tales of their failed life skills, the conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Julio, stumbling around in his cursed condition.

Milobar: I wish somebody would interrupt this movie with something worth watching. But I guess a Mexican shaking like a crack head and puking up green Jell-O will have to suffice.

Donkey: The conductor puts Julio in a seat and then goes to call for help, as the two single white people look on in very typical ‘white’ fashion. “Golly gee whiz…someone should help that poor man. Fuck, not me, but someone should”. I love the fucking camera angles in this scene as the conductor is on the phone. It jumps from looking up at him upside down from under his chin, or down from directly above his head. What the fuck is that? There’s absolutely no way that I can concentrate on what he’s saying when I’m looking at him like this, not that he’s saying anything even remotely relevant anyway.

I'm so good that I can emote fear using my nostrils and hairline alone. Still not impressed? Flip the camera then, bitch.

I’ve had about enough of this, and the movie agrees as the scene transitions back to Alma, who’s looking pretty damn rough as Miguel is trying to comfort her.

Just hold still. If you're going to rot, the least you can do is smell like a football player's ass crack.

Milobar: What the fuck is he doing? He’s spraying deodorant on Alma and has wrapped her head up like she’s got a goddamn toothache.

Donkey: As Alma is beginning to realize that there is no way that she’s ever going to make it to LA alive, she declares that she doesn’t want to be thrown off the train. If she’s going to die, she wants to do it here. Really? Your’d rather die here on this rundown shitty train than outside in the fresh air and under an open sky? Are you sure you wouldn’t rather be moved to some place even more luxurious, like a fucking garbage barge, or a pile of AIDS infested medical refuse?

Milobar: Fuck, if I were on that train I’d want to die too. Fuck this movie’s so goddamn boring. Seriously. However, the one redeeming scene this movie contains is coming up.

Donkey: Yep, the big pay off.

Milobar: The movie that created the legend. The legend that started a revolution! But before we get there, Brujo the Mexican samurai has decided to make his way to the engineer’s booth via the roof of the train to make sure no one stops this locomotive.

Donkey: Once they take those few moments to demonstrate that the people who made this movie clearly have no idea how hard it would be to navigate along the top of a moving train, we finally get to one of the greatest scenes in the movie, as the cowboy has sat down Crystal in a car all by themselves. “Are you going to arrest me?”, she asks. You’re carrying around almost a kilo of coke, you moron. What the fuck do you think he’s going to do?

Milobar: I’m hoping for a foot massage.

Donkey: But of course, Hoover offers to avoid pressing charges and make her file disappear if she gives him the money. Which she does…and then he’s suddenly making out with her. What the fuck was that? But it’s clear by the look on her face that this isn’t something anyone should be doing.

This scene isn't awkward enough! Quick, both of you think about when you had to sleep with me to get your parts! Perfect! AND ACTION!

Milobar: She’s clearly disgusted. And yet she still lets him take her shirt off to give us all a peak at what we will forever know as “Sad Titties.”

Donkey: This is the worst type of nudity scene ever in the history of film. It clearly looks like she’s actually under duress the entire time she’s taking her shirt and bra off. There is obviously no acting involved here at all.

Milobar: She’s embarrassed and ashamed of herself. That’s so sexy.

Donkey: Once we all finish running off a batch of baby batter, we need to examine this from her point of view. It’s one thing to take your top off in a major Hollywood motion picture in the hopes that despite doing something you might find degrading, there’s a chance you might be noticed and be able to build a career out of it. But this is a goddamn Asylum movie. Other than us, there may be about a dozen other people who ever see this. So you’re putting yourself through this for absolutely nothing. And this so fucking awkward. She looks like she’s about five seconds away from bursting into tears and running off the set.

Milobar: Now that the Sad Titties have been clumsily fondled, it’s time for Middle Eastern Man to make an appearance. Who is Middle Eastern Man you ask? A more important question might be: Who the fuck cares? Because the writers of this shitty movie sure don’t. And as the tensions run high on the sexual molestation car, the movie cuts to an external shot that is quite obviously nowhere near the same train.

Donkey: I think if we actually paid attention and looked back at them all, we’d discover that every external shot in this movie is a different train. Once again we now turn back to the single white folks, as they watch Julio writhe in pain, still doing nothing themselves to actually help.

Milobar: Generic white chick, while watching Pedro Mexicano in his death throes, incredulously asks the conductor if he’s getting a doctor. We’re on a fucking train that’s IN MOTION. Do you think I have a doctor in my back pocket? Get the fuck out of here.

A Mexican Wizard?! Fuck, I've gotta switch back to injecting black tar heroin directly into my sack.

Donkey: What a great fucking scene. Goddamn this movie is entertaining. We return to Brujo the Mexican Merlin attempting to prevent the train from stopping, as we first see the engineer of the train that is…smoking crank? Fuck, what?!

Milobar: He’s toking that shit out of a light bulb. He’s all fucking angry as shit, even before the Mexican Witch Doctor shows up. Brujo, confronting his arch nemesis Retarded White Guy on Crack, jumps down and firmly asserts, “this train can’t stop!” To which Crackhead McDoogle’s response is: “wrong bitch!” At least he didn’t claim to be the Juggernaut.

Donkey: This is so fucking random, and so AWESOME. This guy’s shaking and tripping out. He takes one swing at Brujo, Brujo pulls his knife, and then without being so much as touched, the engineer just passes out on his own. And as Brujo is smashing one single piece of equipment (how exactly does he know which one to smash?), they flash a random shot of the engineer’s belt buckle, which is a badly painted picture of a puppy, and then to a photograph of him and another dude standing together without shirts on. Wait…WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? A few moments later, after the conductor discovers that the engineer is passed out with smashed equipment and tries unsuccessfully to call for help, the movie starts to ratchet up the action as the group of young punks begin to notice some of the many snakes that are on the train. As two of them are standing there looking at a snake slithering out from between two seats, the one asks the other what that is.

Milobar: What do you mean what is it? It’s a goddamn snake!

Donkey: Apparently he thinks it could be a goddamn iguana.

Milobar: How do you not know what a snake looks like? How do you confuse a snake with anything else? What goddamn country is this moron from? As the single white duo and the young punks flee to another car, they come across the babbling conductor screaming “Runaway Train!” Yeah, you said that eight times already: Fucking runaway train, we fucking get it.

Donkey: Suddenly a man-sized snake that I believe is supposed to be what Julio transformed into, attacks and kills the conductor. As the others flee in terror, one of the young punks runs into another a car all by himself, where we can assume that he meets a violent end, as we see him turn around to the sound of a snake hissing, only to see bright red food coloring splattered across a wall.

But just as the movie starts to warm up to the point where one might actually think to look for a pulse, it dies again immediately and goes straight back to hell, as it turns our attention to the Middle Eastern man, who has taken Hoover by gun point back to the same car that all the Mexicans were hiding in to begin with. The Middles Eastern dude, apparently named Barat, puts Hoover in the same cage that was used to hold the others captive with puke rope and tells him to strip so that when the others walk into the car, they’ll see how gay he is. What? Where did that come from?

Milobar: Who in their right goddamn mind is going to walk into that train car?

Donkey: Now that Barat the Middle Eastern Sensation has Hoover pinned in a cage, undressing, and has declared that he’s going to send him to Hillbilly Heaven, he moves his gun right up to Hoover’s face and fires. Of course, even from less than a foot away, he somehow manages to only shoot him in the cheek, grazing him at best. Shit, my jaw!

Milobar: Unexplained Middle Eastern Man will fuck up the way you eat breakfast, BELIEVE IT.

Donkey: As Barat saunters away, quite pleased with his obvious shortcomings, he runs into Miguel and Alma. Apparently they were cowering in a corner of the room the whole time and just weren’t noticed. That seems pretty fucking stupid, but I don’t think it would really be fair to expect any different at this point. As Barat raises his gun to take out the witnesses, Hoover slumps out of the cage and shoots Barat in the neck, who stumbles around to return fire. Hoover slumps, but you can’t be sure if that’s because he’s been shot further, or if he’s in the process of shitting his pants. Was that supposed to have hit him?

Milobar: No, I’m pretty sure that he just died of shame. I know I’m pretty fucking close. I’m seriously considering not posting this review.

Donkey: Once Barat and Hoover have finished emptying their guns and mercifully managed to kill each other, we see that they have unwittingly unleashed all of Alma’s remaining snakes.

Milobar: And Sad Titties is still just sitting in the sexual molestation car, waiting for The Groping Cowboy to make his triumphant return.

Donkey: And now that shit has really hit the fan, it’s time for a bunch of quick shots of the action. First we see Nancy, the young mother, as she tries to wake Mitch, pulling back his blankets and discovering that he’s dead and is apparently cuddling with the snake murderer. That’s just touching. But then of course, snakes attack Nancy and she’s killed. Next we cut to Summer, as she hears a shriek and discovers Crystal in a passenger car just fucking surrounded by snakes. She throws her jacket over one of the snakes and Crystal jumps over it, escaping all too easily.

Milobar: Brujo discovers that Alma is missing and that even more snakes are loose, so he runs through the train trying to gather up everything as Alma continues puking up lime Jell-O and snakes everywhere.

Donkey: And this scene just keeps going and going and going. Fuck, we get the point. He’s looking for snakes. Fast forward…

Milobar: After watching both her parents being devoured by snakes we see the little girl huddling in fear by herself.

Someone should come and find this little girl any time n....SWEET JESUS!

Donkey: Just when you think that witnessing her parents die is the worst thing that you could possibly subject this girl to, suddenly a giant snake appears and starts to devour her, with blood fucking spraying everywhere. Jesus!

Milobar: It’s basically just swallows her whole.

Donkey: And legs first at that, so that you can hear her scream in horror the entire time. That’s fucking brutal. I think that’s one of the most vicious things I’ve ever seen.

Milobar: Women screaming, a Mexican Dude covered in snakes and puking up green shit everywhere, a twenty year old girl who has been coerced into a rough tit fondling; it’s like a night out on the town with Blombo. Excellent.

Donkey: Finally the movie cuts back to Brujo discovering Miguel and Alma. He kneels by Alma to comfort her and check on her condition, only to discover that it’s too late. Alma has grown fangs for some reason and has gone past the point of no return. They start to have a rather pointless and unimaginative discussion about heaven, all the while Miguel is standing a few feet away, facing off again the giant snake that used to be Julio. He’s just hitting the snake with a frying pan over and over as it just looks at him, and taking it seemingly without complaint. This is goddamn ridiculous.

Milobar: This dude is awesome. He’s still just smacking that snake in the face. But seriously, I really want to know how much you have to pay an actress to stuff a snake in her mouth.

Donkey: Judging from this movie, not much.

Milobar: They probably pay her with a goddamn bologna and processed cheese sandwich.

Donkey: And now the movie turns into pure insanity. Alma turns into a massive snake that immediately turns on Brujo, eating him whole. Once it swallows that greasy, burrito flavored lump, it smashes out the wall of the passenger car and manages to escape outside. The next shot shows it moving along the roof of the train, and for some reason the snake is now fucking huge. The very next shot shows the snake about to attack the train and, you guessed it, the Alma snake has now grown to the size of a fucking entire fucking train. Sweet, mercifully Robert Urich! I don’t know how much more of this I can take. But just as I think that my cries for mercy have been heard, another staggeringly blow reigns down. The snake STARTS TO EAT THE FUCKING TRAIN. Beginning at the front, it just chomps away and swallows the whole thing, car by car. Screaming in terror almost as loud as our laughter, our survivors somehow realize enough about what’s going on to run through the train, heading towards the back as it’s being devoured. Once they make it to the end and open the rear exit door into the night sky, they start arguing about whether or not they can jump off the back to the ground below.

So can giant snakes digest massive metal objects? Or would this have basically killed it in 10 minutes anyways?

Milobar: The camera shot makes it look like it’s a huge drop, but it’s just a fucking train being swallowed by a giant snake. How high could it be? What the fuck am I talking about? Why would I expect this movie to start making sense now?

Donkey: I really don’t understand how high up they’re expecting us to believe that these people are. But still, they’re exclaiming no, it’s too far. They can’t do it. But finally, as the Alma snake is bearing down on them, they manage this massive leap just in time for the train to finish being consumed.

Milobar: Acting fast, the lone surviving Mexican, who spent most of the film stumbling around in the background and being useless, uses a glowing amulet to summon a fucking vortex, which sucks the snake up into the sky on a magical trip to the land of Oz.

WWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Donkey: What, are all goddamn Mexican peasants wizards? What the fuck is that? There was nothing at any point in this movie that pointed to Miguel having any kind of magical knowledge or abilities. And as we watch that giant snake soar higher and higher into the air, all I can think of is a middle class white family in Iowa, sitting down outside for a nice family picnic as a long cylindrical shadow begins to form over all of them, gradually getting larger while they stare up in complete confusion.

Milobar: The experience that is Snakes on a Train ends with the survivors standing on solemnly on the train tracks. As they wearily begin their slow walk towards safety we see a shot of Sad Titties’ leg, and we are very ominously shown that she has been bitten. As if to suggest there might be a sequel. And that’s it. That’s the end. That was fucking ridiculous.

The Verdict:

Donkey: I don’t understand this movie. It’s based on a Hollywood film with a very simple plot: a witness is on a plane, heading back to give incriminating testimony, so the criminals load that plane with poisonous snakes to make sure that he never arrives at his destination. Simple and easy to do. Compare that with this fucking ridiculous mess. A Mexican chick with a curse that causes her to puke up snakes as she gradually becomes one herself. Not only is that so fucking stupid that the film should be mandated to wear a helmet at all times, but it’s far more difficult to actually pull off. When you’re dealing with a budget that is best measured in pesos, why the fuck would you complicate your lives like that? That’s like someone seeing their neighbor make their own slingshot and deciding that you’re going to one up them by building an atomic warhead in your garage using Silly Putty, an irregular can of pineapple chunks, and love. And if you’re going to do it this way, at least make it somewhat entertaining. The first seventy minutes of this movie is absolute tedium, redeemed only by the last twenty minutes that made me laugh so hard that I almost puked coat hangers. Still, that’s a high price to pay. I give this movie three and a half handlebar mustaches out of five Mexican wizards.

Milobar: Let’s get something straight right now: people do not have fucking snakes inside of them! That statement alone is so goddamn crazy it makes me want to punch myself in the ear for listening to it. That being said, it’s hard to believe someone had the balls to write this piece of crap, let alone commit it to film. So there’s an ancient curse called ‘The Snakes’ that transforms a person’s inner organs into, well, snakes. Those snakes in turn, upon biting other people, pass on the curse and then the cycle repeats ad nauseum. I’d love to show a few people at The Asylum a graph of exponential growth because, barring the off chance that some random Mexican has a magical amulet that can send all the snakes to Utah, you’ve pretty much just fucked yourself. Although I do have to give them some credit for the titties. I’m sure it wasn’t easy convincing some random chick to take her shirt off for thirteen dollars and a granola bar. I give this one 8 awkward sexual situations out of 12 children devoured whole.

What We Learned:

Milobar: Are you fucking kidding me? What haven’t I learned from this movie? Every Mexican is a wizard. Train engineers? Crack heads. Some women are so desperate to be actors they’ll give you two thousand dollars AND let you awkwardly fondle their breasts. If you ever get cursed with ‘The Snakes’ you better have an uncle in LA or you are fucked. But most importantly, all it takes is a big heart, a little luck, and a ridiculously and conveniently placed magical amulet to save the day.

Donkey: I’ve never understood how the extreme right wing of our North American society managed to justify their fear and hatred of outsiders. Now I know. They’re apparently looking at something like this as an educational film warning us of the dangers that can rise from the south. Way to go, Asylum. For your next movie, why don’t you just try to convince everyone that Latvian immigrants are all thieving lepers who will stop at nothing to give our daughters a fatal urinary tract infection.

Don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: The THRILL of Gymnastics, the KILL of Karate, GYMKATA!

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