Captain America

Donkey: Because of the heavy toll that was being taken on our very sense of being, the first couple of months of Shitty Movie Night involved more than just nightmarish films of continually descending quality. The three of us supplemented the rest of the evening by playing a videogame called Marvel: Ultimate Alliance. It was a glorious adventure through legendary and horribly ridiculous locales in the Marvel comic universe, starring a small band of chosen heroes selected from a large stable of Marvel characters. And as one would assume when talking about comic book characters, that stable varied quite drastically from thoroughbred stallions to walking glue sticks with all the killing power of a poorly executed knock-knock joke. At first we were quite content to encourage the onset of arthritis with this button-mashing crusade while using our personal champions. Hence the game boiled down to hours of Milobar consistently using Iron Man’s special attack that blanketed half the screen with explosions while I ran around with a blind man in red tights that I was trying to pretend wasn’t Ben Affleck and Blombo used Deadpool to live out his lifelong dream of doing nothing but twirl. Good times were had by all. But eventually, to make the game more challenging and far shittier, we decided to try using characters that were either utterly useless or aggressively contemptible. The Silver Surfer and Mr. Fantastic were natural picks for this team, and despite the game trying to insist otherwise by focusing on the character, I was adamant that Captain America be included as well. And after gleefully piloting that shield-clad douche to his painful, repeated demise, it occured to us that someone actually tried to make a movie about this jackass years ago.

The Plot:

Donkey: Captain America is less a feature film and more a dim-witted child’s third-worst idea born in the mind of an over-hyped virgin and translated to the screen by someone too lazy to even try to hide the fact that it’s infuriatingly idiotic. The story centers around the clash of two men, locked in an eternal struggle to determine who will become the most generic stereotype. During World War II, German science is used to engineer a young Italian man into a meatball-headed menace called the Red Skull, capable of burying the entire world’s population under a combination of unprovoked fist shaking and provolone cheese. To counter this, the American government enlists a man to undergo a similar yet more useless transformation into the uncleverly named hero, Captain America. Equipped only with a shield imbued with unexplained magical powers, our hero manages to prove his worth by concluding his maiden mission with a fifty year slumber in the iceflows of Alaska. Now, nearly fifty years later, he is revived in the late 1980′s to once again save the world from the Red Skull. And possibly feathered hair and neon colors while he’s at it.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Milobar: Captain America. One of the shittiest super heroes ever concocted in one of the shittiest movies ever made.

Donkey: That’s a combination sent straight from the gods, my man.

Milobar: Is this another movie with Wilfred Brimley in it?

Donkey: Nope, not this time. You’re thinking of Ronnie Cox, the man who played the villain in Total Recall and Robocop. Both are outstanding movies featuring outstanding performances of his. Captain America, on the other hand, is one massive turdblossom on this resume. But this movie does also feature Ned Beatty, so that’s a bonus. I guess when the whole world knows you for having your ass viciously raped, the only way to get back at them is to take part in a movie that spends ninety minutes sodomizing its audience.

Milobar: The movie is filled with fucking TV actors. Captain America, the Red Skull, the girlfriend. They’re all obscure TV actors.

Donkey: The movie opens in Germany in 1936, showing the origins of Captain America’s angrily infected phallic nemesis, the Red Skull. It’s very similar to the opening of X-Men and the origins of Magneto. And by that I mean that it would appear similar if you’ve just finished five hours of deep breathing exercises in a backed-up septic tank.

Milobar: This scene reminds me of when people talk to me about the ‘good old days’. It’s an entire family of douche bags sitting around a living room in candlelight, listening to a young boy play the piano. Fuck that. Give me the Internet. Give me a widescreen Hi-Def television and a Blu-Ray player. Give me some goddamn videogames.

Donkey: The family is sitting in a living room, listening to a late night piano recital, which I’m sure that when you consider it to be their entire source of entertainment and one that is being recorded for future use, is in no way a pressure filled nightmare for the young man performing. Suddenly a group of Nazis storm in and take away the boy, nabbing him for what they state is his superior intelligence. The last thing I would accuse anyone who’s involved with this film of having is above imbecilic intelligence. And before they drag the boy off, the Nazis make him watch as they gun down the rest of his family.

Milobar: They’re supposed to be Nazis, but these guys are wearing uniforms that make them look more like they’re Americans.

Donkey: Authenticity is definitely not this movies strong point. But then, it’s also one of the least of its worries. It’s produced by Stan Lee, after all.

Milobar: But at least he doesn’t have a cameo in it where he plays himself, like in Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer. Don’t you know who I am? I’m Stan Lee! That is still bullshit. If you’re in some kind of alternate reality where your comic book characters actually exist, then they didn’t have to be invented by anyone in that alternate reality. So Stan Lee is no one in that reality.

Donkey: Stan Lee has done a good job of making sure that he’s barely notable in this reality, nevermind alternatives. The Nazis take the child to a secret lab where they are going to be performing an experiment on him. But first, it’s time for a PowerPoint presentation. Wait…what the fuck is that?

Milobar: That’s a rat that they’ve already used the serum on. The same serum that they’re about to inject into this kid to make him the Red Skull, which is the German version of the Americans’ Super Soldier serum. At least this isn’t as fucking stupid as the origin story of Captain America in that newer animated film that we saw, Ultimate Avengers: The Movie, where the Nazis actually turn out to be shape-shifting aliens.

Donkey: As they’re set to begin the full pedicure and colon injection procedure, the female doctor who is leading this experiment freaks out, objecting just before they’re about to begin. Are we to understand that she didn’t know what was going to happen?

Milobar: She was the one who designed the process, after all.

Donkey: Say what you will, if you’re doing important research like this, you’re likely involved with the inner circle of Nazis. And if that’s the case, you have to have seen some shit by this point. You know these guys aren’t out to conquer the world with mean-spirited observational humor and poorly executed shin kicks. So there’s nothing here that should be a surprise at this point. But despite her underwhelming efforts and subsequent escape, the experiment is carried out as planned.

Milobar: The movie transitions to 1943, and takes us to the White House. They note that Hitler already has a young boy named the Red Skull who was created using the Super Soldier Serum seven years ago, so they’re going to use the same serum to create an entire battalion of super soldiers for themselves. So if Hitler has had the serum for seven years, why hasn’t he created an entire battalion himself?

Donkey: I’m going to guess that in this movie’s insane reality, by this point Hitler had already turned away from this successful military program to focus his attention on more absurd pursuits, like finding Gandalf’s staff of wizardry and man-love. But now that the Americans want to get into the game, they have to find someone stupid enough to volunteer for the procedure. Cut to the home of Steve Rogers, carpet bowling/grammar rodeo champion, just before he leaves to join the program. I have absolutely no idea who this guy that plays Captain America is, as I’ve never seen him in anything before or since this. But I will say this for him: he’s absolutely perfect at portraying a character so mediocre that he possesses only passable skills at being entirely average.

Milobar: Steve and his mom are hanging out in the kitchen when she hands Steve his father’s medal and asks him to never take it off, no matter where he goes. You know mom, this might not be the easiest thing for me to wear everywhere.

Donkey: No shit. As much as it would have been incredibly appropriate for her to hand him his father’s clown wig and demand that he don it forever, it’s not like she’s just handed Steve something practical or subtle like his father’s watch. This is a medal for something that Steve didn’t accomplish, his father did.

Milobar: Here, and wear your brother’s Olympic gold medal for Speed Skating. Wear it forever. But I didn’t win it, oh well, just one more awkward story for me to tell to women at the bar.

Donkey: With his farewell party winding down, Steve and his friends get ready to take one last picture when he notices that his girlfriend Bernie isn’t there. He’s just noticing this for the first time? Now that’s love, baby. So he asks everyone to wait, as they can’t take the picture without her.

Milobar: Hey Steve, she’s getting laid, leave her alone.

Donkey: She’s pooping. Give her some privacy.

Milobar: She’s getting laid and taking a poop at the same time.

Donkey: Man, if she’s eating a chili cheese hotdog at the same time, that’s the ultimate combination of pleasure. To try to find her, Steve first runs and checks her house, then runs off to an ocean boardwalk where he finds her pining away. This seems like a long goddamn time to leave your friends just hanging out, waiting to take a goddamn picture. I mean, waiting around for someone to take a piss would be annoying enough. This guy’s running all over the damn city.

Milobar: Hey guys, is this some kind of prank? Do you think he’s even coming back?

Donkey: Just before Steve ships out with the Nazi doctor whom has apparently defected to the States, Bernie pleads for him to come home safely, saying that she’ll wait for him forever. Forever, huh? That’s the kind of bold statement that’s just begging to be proven wrong. It’s right up there with, “I could totally dodge a bullet using the slow moving power of Shinanju”.

Milobar: And by forever, I mean that I already starting blowing your cousin last night. What? Come on. You’re leaving. What do you expect? And I love how the movie doesn’t bother to say why he was chosen for this project. And of course they explain that the Super Soldier Serum can turn a man with disabilities into an athlete, but what would it do to someone who was already an athlete? Wouldn’t it be more useful to give that person the serum?

Donkey: Bored and unemployed scientists theorize that this guy has the most scorching case of anal warts in the western hemisphere, and that curing him of that will make him so grateful that he’ll work harder than any other man alive.

Milobar: Well you have to keep in mind that someone who’s already in really good shape had the dedication and training required to get into really good shape. If you make someone into an athlete who has never been one, isn’t there the risk that they’ll just let themselves go because they’re not used to having to maintain that kind of body? They could end up an eight hundred pound slob by the end of the month.

Donkey: But he’d be an eight hundred pound slob that can lift the shit out of a burger. Stack on that third patty and bring on the bacon! Let’s top my massive portion of meat with more meat! The military takes Steve to their hidden, underground laboratory which is underneath a diner. And in no way, shape, or form is that suspicious.

Milobar: How does that make any goddamn sense at all?

Donkey: It doesn’t. And it’s even more ridiculous because they didn’t enter the diner, get into a secret elevator, and go down fifty stories. They went into a secret door that had coat hooks on it and walked down a single flight of stairs. So it’s literally right beneath the diner.

Milobar: And it’s not like there’s only two dudes down here. There are a couple of dozen people down here, which means that people go in and out on a regular basis. It wouldn’t be that hard to notice that six people just went to hang up their coat and didn’t come back out.

Donkey: It only gets better when you see how large this fucking underground chamber is. It a massive and undoubtedly echoing room, that has all kinds of large machines in it. So unless that diner is called “Frank’s Unnecessarily-Loud-Ambient-Noise-Filled Diner”, that’s going to be pretty fucking obvious to any patron who isn’t distracted by their pulse consisting primarily of gravy.

Milobar: If you look carefully, you’ll see that chamber has sunlight coming in through what has to be windows. So if there are windows to the outside, then anybody walking by those windows can see these guys.

Donkey: As they begin the procedure of giving Steve the serum, a nearby General declares that he will become a symbol for all that the country stands for. If Captain America is the best symbol that you can come up with, then the country stands for unbridled and arbitrary mediocrity.

Milobar: The one power they forgot to give him was the power to induce world wide recession, because that would seem to be the best representation of the country these days.

Donkey: While the process of injecting high-fructose corn syrup directly into Steve’s testicles is being carried out, there are a bunch of machines behind him that are making a ton of noise and spitting sparks out all over the place. I hate to break it to the people who made this movie, but if a machine starts tossing sparks like that, it usually stops working pretty damn fast, so this whole procedure would come to a screeching halt. Unless you’re spot welding, there shouldn’t be sparks anywhere like that. But mere facts aren’t enough to stop anything in this film, so handshakes soon follow as the procedure is completed.

Milobar: Suddenly, one of the random dudes in the room pulls out a gun and shoots the doctor.

Donkey: I think he might have screamed something about Hitler just before shooting, revealing that he was a Nazi, but it’s just as likely that he cracked under the pressure of being in this trash heap of a film. But despite being shot himself, Steve lunges into action and punches the attacker backwards into what appears to be an old mainframe where the dude is immediately executed. That’s a pretty damn shitty device if the moment someone bumps into, they’re executed.

Milobar: You can touch it, just don’t accidentally fall into it or you’re fucked, as you can apply exactly one pound of pressure to this device before it electrocutes you.

Donkey: As the movie rolls on to show Steve lying unconscious in a military hospital, a colonel who has an absolutely glorious mustache inquires about Steve’s condition. Now that guy should have been Captain America.

Milobar: I agree. I wish that douche had a mustache like this guy. That would have been the gay frosting on the shitty pie that is Captain America.

Donkey: Captain America should have been played by Burt Reynolds. Now THAT would have been a movie. Captain America would be strutting around while sucking in his gut and asking everyone what kind of horsepower their car has.

Milobar: That should have been the name of the movie: Burt Reynolds is Captain America.

Donkey: Sweet Army Mustache Guy explains to the resident physician that they need Steve ready to go within forty eight hours so that he can be dropped behind enemy lines in Germany to stop a missile that has the ability to reach the US. The doctor tells him that’s not possible, as Steve’s lucky to be alive at all. Unlike us, the movie’s viewers, whom couldn’t be more disappointed if you stole the concept of happiness. Suddenly they turn to see Steve standing next to his bed, fully recovered and ready to go. And go he does, as Steve is soon fully dressed as Captain America, sitting in a plane and flying over Germany with Sweet Army Mustache Guy, or SAM-G, if you will. SAM-G asks Steve if he’s comfortable with the shield that they’ve given him; the sweet signature shield of Captain America. Cap’n replies that he could have used another month of training with it.

Milobar: Personally my response would be that I could use a few more weapons. Like a gun, or maybe anything more effective than a shield. Perhaps something designed for offense rather than just defense.

Donkey: Captain America then asks SAM-G when there are going to be more men joining him in his special platoon of super soldiers. The Sweet ‘Stache Of Freedom responds by explaining that the female doctor responsible had the procedure stored entirely within her head, so now that she’s been killed, there won’t ever be anyone else like him. What? What fucking government organization would allow a project to go forward that isn’t documented extensively?

Milobar: How the fuck did she get funding for that without having that shit written down somewhere? Don’t worry about it, it’s all up here in my brain. Just give me five hundred million dollars. Wait, what did Captain America just scream as he jumped out of the airplane?

Donkey: I think it was something about gargling balls in his throat.

Milobar: That wouldn’t surprise me. Now that he’s on the ground after parachuting down, we see that he’s wearing the old school uniform that has the wings on his goddamn head. I hate this fucking movie.

Donkey: As Captain America sneaks up on the enemy encampment, he throws his shield at a guard tower that spots him, destroying its wooden supports, and his shield comes back to him. FUCK YOU. Explain to me how you could possibly engineer a fucking shield that would smash through something that solid and then manage to return to you. It’s a round piece of thick metal, not a goddamn boomerang made of molten lava.

Milobar: Captain America is an insult to any and every type of intelligent concept in life.

Donkey: And the way they capture this on film matches the stupidity of the concept itself. We see a close up of his hand releasing his shield, a shot of an explosion, and then we see the same close up of the hand catching the shield again. So I guess he threw his shield and blew shit up. Either that or very convenient things are happening while he plays catch with an unseen playmate.

Milobar: Then he’s walking towards a soldier in a hall, who’s backing away and shooting at Captain America. Of course by shooting at Captain America I mean shooting at the ground. Awesome.

Donkey: Once Captain America makes his way past all the guards and enters the chamber holding the missile, the Red Skull is revealed for the first time.

Milobar: He’s looking ‘office hot’, I’ve got to say.

Donkey: He looks like he could use some aloe and rubbing alcohol or that’s never going to heal. Captain America and the Red Skull clash briefly, like two old men arguing over the last leisure suit in a thrift shop, before our hero is stabbed in throat by the Red Skull’s needle/joy buzzer and sinks into unconsciousness.

Milobar: And in typical ridiculous movie villain style, they weld Captain America to a missile before they launch it.

Donkey: Just moments before the launch, Captain America gives the Red Skull the old “come close, I’ve got to tell you something” and the fucking guy falls for it. Captain America grabs the Red Skull’s hand and tells him that he’ll have to come along for the ride.

Milobar: Why don’t you just punch him in the nose with your free hand until he lets go of you? If you just start beating on him, he’s going to pass out at the very least.

Donkey: Apparently the Red Skull is straight out of the Village of the Damned in Gymkata, as he pulls out a knife and cuts off his own hand without hesitation. Take that, Cap’n.

Milobar: Wouldn’t it be just as easy, and significantly less fucking crazy, to cut off Captain America’s hand?

Donkey: Or stab him in the goddamn throat. You’re already sending him to his death for the love of sweet baby Jesus.

Milobar: Even if you don’t want to kill him, you could still just stab him in the arm or something. There’s lots of options you could choose from rather than just cutting off your own goddamn hand. But that’s why Italians have never won a goddamn war. Their first instinct is to cut off their own damn hand rather than actually FIGHT their enemies.

Donkey: As the missile is heading towards the US, the movie cuts to little Tommy, who’s playing in his bedroom somewhere in Washington DC. He’ll soon be witness to one of the greatest spectacles in cinematic history. And then everything about his movie goes downhill from that point.

Milobar: Yes, the missile scene. I remember describing this to you guys before we watched the movie and Blombo didn’t believe me. I guess you just have to see it to believe it.

Donkey: As young Tommy wanders out of his house in the middle of the night so that he can stand in front of the White House and take pictures for some fucking bizarre reason, he turns to see a missile coming in his direction. He uses his camera to get a close up view of the missile and sees Captain America strapped to the damn thing, having time to snap off a single picture. But just before the missile is about to smash into Tommy and the White House, Captain America kicks the damn thing with the back of his heel a couple of times, somehow causing it to DRASTICALLY CHANGE COURSE. The missile flies just over Tommy’s head as it begins rocketing up and over the White House. Moments later we see it crash into the ice somewhere in Alaska.

There are two things that are insulting to even a child’s mind right off the bat about this bullshit. First, if you could just kick the damn missile and cause it to change direction, why didn’t you do that before you were twenty fucking feet away from the target? This thing came over from Europe so he had plenty of time to do that before this point. And secondly, why the hell didn’t the missile explode on impact when it hit the ice?

Milobar: And I’m not sure if anyone else understands geography and how far Alaska is from Washington DC, but it’s more than a thirty minute fucking flight. And normally missiles only hold as much fuel as is needed to get to their target.

Donkey: The movie goes back to young Tommy, showing his picture of Captain Useless and the missile to his geeky friend Sam, begging him to believe what he just saw. Fuck, I barely believe it and I saw it myself. Especially when you consider that the picture he held up, telling him that he’s never going to forget this, is what appears to be a picture of nothing.

Milobar: We need to show that time has passed! Cue the extended newspaper montage!

Donkey: This is a goddamn ridiculous montage. Eventually, after far too long, it gets to the goddamn point and we see that little Tommy grew up to become the President of the United States. A president who gives meandering, vague speeches as we soon discover.

Milobar: What a poignant message.

Donkey: What the fuck is he talking about?

Milobar: Hey guys… is the President drunk again? And of course, in this ridiculous movie, the President wears sneakers, jeans, and a white collared shirt.

Donkey: The sport coat pulls it all together into a tight, professional ensemble, though. The President enters the Oval Office to find a military General who asks him to make concessions on his environmental bill. The President gives him the strong arm tactic, telling him to basically shove that idea up his ass until it tickles his tonsils. But this whole scene just doesn’t seem very likely to me. Something tells me that the President would at least be a little more courteous to the people in charge of protecting his ass. But moments later, we see that the disrespect was well deserved, as the General is part of a secret cabal.

Milobar: A cabal that just happens to have someone who looks an awful lot like the Red Skull, just without his Red Skull makeup on.

Donkey: Watching this gathering of the evil organization, I can’t help but tune out while they read the minutes of their last meeting and ask if someone will second a motion to get a quote on replacing the carpet in the foyer of their evil lair to wonder where they get their chairs. They’re highly ornate and very evil looking. That’s not the kind of thing you just go pick up down at IKEA.

Milobar: I’m willing to bet they got them off of eBay.

Donkey: As they discuss the boldly ambiguous menace that is President Tommy, the Not-Red Skull suggests to his group that instead of killing him, they just control him with a brain implant that he invented. But instead of explaining further, the movie just cuts to a different scene and moves on. Don’t worry, Captain America. I didn’t really care to know the details anyway.

That abrupt cut takes us to Alaska where Captain Shithead smashes his way out of a coffin of ice, after it was cut out of the ground by two dudes who have no plausible reason to have found him, before standing up and walking off like he has just finished a two hour nap. Back in DC, the President sees a picture in a newspaper accompanying the story of a man who has been cut out of ice in Alaska. He recognizes Captain America and immediately puts the pieces together.

Milobar: He immediately calls Sam, his childhood friend who’s now a reporter. And when Sam picks up the phone and hears, “I know who the Rocket Man is,” he knows exactly what the President is talking about. That isn’t fucking nuts one single bit, not at all.

Donkey: Meanwhile in Rome, the Not-Red Skull also buys a newspaper from out of the window of his limo and sees the same story as the President. Why the fuck would a story about a dude being found in ice be on the front page of a newspaper in Rome?

Milobar: Apparently life is pretty boring in Rome. I’m willing to bet there’s a picture of Captain American in the paper every Tuesday.

Donkey: The movie then shifts back to Northern Canada, where Captain BlueBalls is wandering aimlessly through the woods. At the same time, Sam is driving around looking for him. But he’s not the only one, as two helicopters carrying agents of the Not-Red Skull fly around before dispatching three motorcycles. Wait, where the fuck were those motorcycles? Did they have them in the helicopters?

Milobar: They were in the back, next to the hover bikes.

Donkey: Wow, I didn’t even see those there and I’ve been standing next to them the whole time! And when Captain Cumdumpster sees that people, who managed to find him far too quickly I might add, are following him on the motorbikes, he decides to just go ahead and attack them without having the slightest idea as to who they are.

Milobar: That sounds about right for someone representing the US.

Donkey: The only way to follow up unmotivated brutality is with blatant inconsistency. After attacking complete strangers on motorbikes, which could be Search and Rescue workers for all this asshole knows, he jumps into the truck of a strange guy who pulls up and just says, “Get in.”

Milobar: So Sam the goddamn news reporter was driving up a road in the wilderness just as Captain America stumbled out onto it. What the hell are the odds of that? Think of how hard it is to find someone in a goddamn mall. And the outdoors is a lot bigger than a goddamn mall. And I don’t understand where the fuck he got his shield from. Why would they attach that to the missile when they launched him?

Donkey: Sam asks Captain Anal-leakage who those people were, and the Cap’n says that they were Nazis. WHAT? How the hell would he know that? They weren’t exactly in uniform.

Milobar: I’m willing to bet that he’d call anyone who was chasing him a Nazi.

Donkey: Yeah, I can see this idiot wandering into a corner store, walking out with an unpaid Coke, and then declaring that the clerk who comes chasing out after him is a Nazi. Sam starts probing Cap’n for information on the Red Skull, just before he explains that he knows that the Red Skull got plastic surgery and is now the leader of a secret international cabal that is responsible for all kinds of terrible things. Wait, if this dude knows this for a fact and he’s the close friend of the President, why hasn’t he convinced the President to pursue the Red Skull?

Milobar: Suddenly Captain America pulls a slick move.

Donkey: Cap’n tells Sam to pull the truck over, claiming that he’s about to be sick. I imagine he’s about to chuck up fifty year old pizza that’s in the process of thawing. When the truck finally stops, he gets out and wanders about twenty feet away, where he just kind of bends over until Sam comes up to see if he’s alright. But once Sam gets that close to him, Captain Cockmonger turns and runs back to the car, albeit not very quickly, jumps into the driver’s seat and drives away.

Milobar: Considering the Nazis that were just chasing him had motorbikes that they could have easily just jumped back onto and followed them down the road, it’s quite likely that he’s just left Sam to die. Even if they didn’t use the bikes, they could have just gotten back in their helicopters and followed the one road through the woods until they found him.

Donkey: Then the movie gives us yet another montage, this time of Captain America traveling south, set to one of the most low rent soundtrack songs I’ve ever heard. And how the hell is it that both Sam and the Red Skull’s agents could find this dude wandering through northern Canada, but neither manage to find him traveling through the States when he’s still wearing the same damned uniform, just with a jacket over top of it.

Milobar: I’d love to know what the hell he did for food that whole time.

Donkey: A lot of handjobs, I’d guess. After Captain America finally makes it home, he stands in front of what I think is his old girlfriend’s house. A young woman drives up, giving him a special tingle in his pants (which have to smell delicious by now), so he immediately grabs her once she gets out of her car. Hey, it ain’t the 30′s anymore, buddy. You can’t just grab and rape any chick on the street. You’ve got to at least buy them a non-fat mocha first. As the young girl understandably starts yelling, her parents come to the front door and Captain Happyhands discovers that it’s his old girlfriend and his best friend, whom are apparently this girl’s parents.

Milobar: She waited forever, huh?

Donkey: Of course they both recognize him and eventually an awkward reunion takes place. Bernie, you look the like the four hundred pounds of shitty make up that they’ve caked on your face has aged you at least two or three years since I last saw you!

Milobar: Every time he talks about Bernie, I keep thinking that he’s talking about a dude.

Donkey: I wish. And I can only dream that it’s the Bernie from Weekend At Bernie’s, because if Captain America is going to have a sidekick, it really should be an animated corpse.

Milobar: Or Another Weekend At Bernie’s, the glorious sequel.

Donkey: Captain America makes himself right at home with his best friend and old girlfriend, and their daughter, Sharon. And the reunion continues to be no less awkward. Oh Bernie, I’ve been in the ice for fifty years.

Milobar: And you’re such a glorious GILF.

Donkey: Do you have any idea what kind of backup I have going on in these balls? Come on. Just touch it.

Milobar: I haven’t had a chance to jerk off since I woke up.

Donkey: Meanwhile the Not-Red Skull and his daughter are still back in Rome, where the daughter tells him that she thinks they should follow Sam, the President’s reporter friend. She believes that he’ll lead them right to Captain America, mentioning something about Sam having won two Pulitzer prizes. That’s just digging the hole further, as once again, why isn’t the President acting on Sam’s information about the Red Skull? It’s one thing if he’s a nutty recluse living in a shed, but if this guy’s won the Pulitzer twice, he commands a little respect.

Milobar: Yeah, especially since the President is best buddies with him, you’d think a lot of people would listen to him. How the hell did Sam get his hands on these top secret files about Captain America? Oh wait, it’s probably because he’s friends with the President. But then, why didn’t the President look up this stuff on Captain America and find out who the masked dude that he took a picture of as a child was?

Donkey: Especially since he’s obsessed enough about it that he carries that shitty picture of Captain America around in his wallet.

Milobar: Of course the bad guys jump in a jet from Italy to The America and are there in 15 minutes!

Donkey: And even better, the jet makes the sound of a Transformer flying as it takes off. There’s nothing like ripping off an inappropriate sound effect from a kids’ show. While Captain Catheter and Sharon are hanging out at her apartment, as she tries to help this idiot catch up on fifty years of history, Sam finally show ups at Bernie’s house.

Milobar: As Sam is talking, the bad guys suddenly show up and start shooting every motherfucker.

Donkey: Steve and Sharon return to find the carnage and dramatic moments that can be matched only by episodes of You Can’t Do That On Television ensue. Captain Cakefart mentions that they need to find the doctor’s diary, as it probably has the Not-Red Skull’s real name. While I’m sure that would be useful information, isn’t it easy enough to find this asshole just by looking for the guy that’s clearly had a ton of horribly plastic surgery? And he’s a captain of industry too. It’s not like the Red Skull is hiding in a cave somewhere.

Milobar: As Sharon rushes into the kitchen and finds them bagging up her dead mother, the paramedic has to restrain her, totally going for the her boobies and copping a feel.

Donkey: With Bernie and Sam dead, we see Captain America and Sharon hanging out in her father’s hospital room.

Milobar: They’re passing the time by watching some sweet Wheel Of Fortune. You know, Captain America has got to feel like an asshole right now because these people are all dead because of him. It’s not one of those movies were they would have died regardless of whether or not he showed up and he just couldn’t save them in time. They were only killed because he decided to make a house call.

Donkey: A news broadcast cuts into Play Hangman With An Aging Token Blonde to deliver a special news bulletin, declaring that the President was kidnapped from his hotel room in Rome by twenty armed men. What? Twenty armed men? Twenty? That’s it? Is this movie insane?

Milobar: But the real question is, are you guys bad enough dudes to rescue the President?

Donkey: Only if we fight Karnov and get a cheeseburger out of the deal. Captain Average realizes that he has to step up his non-existent efforts to accomplish nothing, so he and Sharon go looking for the lab under the diner where he was conceived, which is oddly still there.

Milobar: And busy like a motherfucker.

Donkey: Captain Douche charges into the washroom just as villains apparently begin to show up outside. He smashes through a wall and finds the old secret door behind it, leading down to the lab. Wait, if a wall was covering it, doesn’t that mean that people had to have renovated this place? Didn’t they notice the door and the secret lab behind it?

Milobar: Ok, seriously, when the new owners bought this place, did they not walk around the building and see the windows that clearly look into the giant, secret basement? And as Steve and Sharon go downstairs, it shows that everything is still there, exactly as he remembers it, including the goddamn doctor’s diary, which Steve finds in the drawer of a desk. None of the military people who ran this secret lab thought to take it?

Donkey: Alrighty, we got what we wanted out of this highly classified experiment. Throw a padlock on the door and call it a day.

Milobar: They hide underneath the stairs as the Red Skull’s men come down with guns, and then just go up the stairs once everyone has passed. And nobody is the wiser.

Donkey: They pass through a door and Steve turns back to close it behind him. Hearing a muffled scream, he turns back forward to see Sharon is in the hands of a dozen villains who were standing there waiting for them. These dudes were either just hanging out alone in a room in the dark in the off chance that someone would come in or they took a pause from their pursuit to have a few rounds of illegal cockfighting in a back room.

Milobar: Faced with this, Captain America jumps down a set of stairs that are next to him and we see that there’s an even bigger fucking room underneath this lab. It’s like a giant boiler room with equipment and weird shit. This room makes no goddamn sense.

Donkey: But as he’s being stalked, Cap’n gets an idea. He pulls the end off of a big industrial pipe, giving him a makeshift shield, which he uses to take out his attackers. I understand that his shield is supposed to be special, but without it as an option, wouldn’t it make more sense to grab something better as a weapon?

Milobar: Considering that back in 1943, he said that he wished he had at least another month training with his actual shield, and it’s only technically been a couple of days for him since then. So it’s not like he had a lot of time training with a shield, so why would he feel the most comfortable wielding one as weapon?

Donkey: Even the random thugs end up picking up big pipes off the ground. Why didn’t Cap’n?

Milobar: Captain America don’t play with no pipes. But the bad guy that faces him with one sure spends a lot of time spinning that pipe around without actually attacking anything.

Donkey: Cap’n punches him once, picks him up and throws him down a random ventilation shaft that goes…where?

Milobar: It goes to forever, because you can hear that henchmen screaming as he falls for quite a goddamn while.

Donkey: With that pesky problem apparently solved, the film moves on to the next chapter, as Captain America and Sharon end up in Rome. Just as a convenient plot device, Sharon mentions offhandedly that she learned Italian over a single summer that she spent in Venice. Are you kidding me? What kid picks up an entire language in a summer while on vacation?

Milobar: Especially a blonde kid.

Donkey: Hey, it could be worse. It could be a ginger kid. Right, Blombo?

Milobar: Come on, everyone knows that ginger kids can’t read, regardless of the language. Ginger kids have a hard enough time recognizing pictures. And you know, this chick sure is chipper and bubbly for someone whose mother just died.

Donkey: How did they even get to Rome? Last I checked you had to show ID at the very least to fly. But now that they’re there, it’s time for Captain America to pull the same stunt on Sharon that he pulled on Sam earlier. He steals the car, telling her that he can’t take her into danger just before he drives off. But I’ll tell you what I can do…

Milobar: …I’ll put my foot up your ass. That’s how your mom liked it. Or how about some pudding farts?

Donkey: Now flying solo in this pointless quest, Captain America makes his way back to the house where the Not-Red Skull’s family was killed in the beginning of the movie, wearing an outfit that manages to look even more fabulous than he does in his uniform. But since the house’s current owners don’t speak English, he’s faced with the choice of giving up and going home or killing every single person in the building so that the can search for clues. But just as he’s preparing his mind for the slaughter to come, Sharon shows up and puts her Italian tongue to use, managing to talk them into letting her and her flamboyant companion into the house. Once inside, they’re treated to a long story by the house’s two current occupants that the movie doesn’t see fit to share with us.

Milobar: The woman who owns the house just said a ton of shit in Italian that they didn’t bother subtitling. Two people spoke for several minutes and only three lines were displayed between them.

Donkey: The current occupiers quickly produce a box of stuff that their parents found in rubble after buying the house, which contains a recorder that was used the night of the incident to tape the piano recital. So they’ve had this tape for that many years and no one has bothered to listen to it? And it has survived that many years? Have you ever tried watching a VHS tape that’s anywhere near a decade old? This goddamn tape would be dust.

Captain Atrocious and Sharon take a moment to strategize in an outdoor café, or at least point out their lack of any strategy whatsoever, when the Not-Red Skull’s daughters walk by and bump into them very much on purpose before sitting at a nearby table.

Milobar: They literally sit two feet behind them and pull out guns, while Steve and Sharon are watch them the whole time.

Donkey: And even though they’re aiming guns at people two feet away, Cap’n and Sharon somehow manage to duck and roll out of danger before getting shot in the goddamn face. They flee the scene and end up being chased down an alley by a Porsche. And if I’m not mistaken, these are the same alleys in which we got to see so many identical chase scenes in Gymkata.

Milobar: These are the exact same streets. They might have been filmed at the same time.

Donkey: I’m praying that Captain Cornhole will come around a corner and find the uneven parallel bars if that’s the case. To finally get away after an entirely forgettable chase scene, our two heroes end up stealing a bicycle and end up jumping it into the ocean.

Milobar: And hilarity ensues.

Donkey: After unfortunately making their way back to shore instead of drowning, they go back to the tables in the café where this all started and Sharon finds the purse of the Not-Red Skull’s daughter. Why the hell did she leave that thing behind?

Milobar: That makes perfect sense. Nothing says lifetime criminal mastermind like leaving all your ID and personal belongings behind at the scene of a crime.

Donkey: After peering at the daughter’s driver’s license, they finally discover the whereabouts of the Not-Red Skull and the President, so they’re off to save the day. As they approach the fortress, they seem surprised to find that people are there on the lookout for them. So Sharon kicks Captain Creampie out of the car they’re approaching in and races off by herself to create a distraction.

Milobar: This movie is so retarded it wants us to believe her little dinky car is going to outrun a Porsche. The only thing that prevents her escape? Italia-gang blocking the road.

Donkey: Rather than going off on his own, Captain America runs up to the spot where Sharon was stopped moments ago to find them all gone, as the Italian Stallions have absconded with her. But he only ran about fifty feet at best, so this didn’t take that long and he should have been damn near in plain view. Why didn’t they just wait around for him to get there and grab him too?

Milobar: I’ve totally lost interest in this movie by now.

Donkey: Captain ShitStain starts his daringly obvious seige by climbing the outer walls of the Not-Red Skull’s fortress. He’s in a bright blue outfit and it’s the middle of the day for fuck’s sake. Any idiot guard should see him. Someone shoot his ass! And in the meantime, the President has broken out of his cell using a very small vial of acid that he managed to snag while being interrogated earlier. Because that’s the kind of thing that you just leave lying around like throw pillows. And somewhere deep inside, my very soul starts to cry. The President, trying to escape on his own, is quickly surrounded by the Not-Red Skull and his men. The President suddenly gets an idea, confirming with the Infested Penis of Doom that he’s needed to be kept alive in order to complete the plan. So in a desperate act of heroism, the President leaps off of the tower they’re standing on. As he’s plummeting to his death, Captain American manages to catch him by the hand and save him.

Milobar: It’s just like the end of DOA:Dead Or Alive, where someone is there to catch them at just the right moment.

Donkey: A minute ago, the Not-Red Skull and his men were admitting that they needed the President for their plan. Now, only moments and one suicide attempt later, they’re just opening fire with extreme impunity.

Milobar: The President tells Captain America to go get Sharon, as she was in the cell just below him. How the hell does he know who she is? The President’s never met her.

Donkey: The President then declares that he’s not leaving, not bailing out on Captain America. Well if this supposed hero really was interested in the good of the nation, I’m pretty sure he should insist that the President fuck off. It’s a good thing he didn’t, though, as the President sure can kick ass.

Milobar: He’s Dick from Robocop. He built ED-209, assholes. He ain’t fucking around.

Donkey: After a predictable struggle between our heroes and faceless villains, the final confrontation finally begins between the principal players. Captain America walks into a courtyard to find the Not-Red Skull, his daughter, and more random henchmen holding Sharon hostage. And they start the festivities with a bizarrely odd exchange. The Red Skull calls Captain America, “an oddly clownish symbol that nobody cares about”. Captain America responds, “I care”. What? So you care about…YOU? No shit, huh? Well that’s big of you. But this is topped just seconds later when the President shows up and a random thug tries to shoot him. The Cap’n throws his shield and cuts the barrel of the thug’s gun clean off.

Milobar: Obviously, and completely physically possible.

Donkey: Fuck this movie. As a side note, in the comic book, do you know if the Red Skull actually had his red skull most of the time, or if he usually had this shitty plastic surgery?

Milobar: I don’t know. Fuck the Red Skull. Fuck Captain America.

Donkey: We’re now close to the end and it occurs to me that he’s only had an actual red skull for ten minutes.

Milobar: I’m willing to bet this actor just didn’t want to have to wear the make-up.

Donkey: Yeah, and I imagine that it would be pretty hard to find someone else to actually agree to be in this shit, so I can see why the movie’s director would cave to that demand.

Milobar: Jesus, apparently Captain America’s one weak spot is his legs, even though nobody bothers shooting them while he charges in their direction with his shield only covering his upper body.Donkey: Fuck, aim a little lower please. But finally the Not-Red Skull stumbles up to a random grand piano that’s sitting out on the fortress roof by itself. And aside from being incredibly out of place, the piano has the detonator to a bomb in it.

 

Milobar: And that detonator is a very typical Italian device. It’s a very elaborate detonator that has cogs, moving parts, and things that slide up and down very slowly. You know, normal people would have just made it a goddamn button.

Donkey: As the Red Skull is content to blow them all back to hell, Captain America makes his final charge. But just when all seems lost, he uses the tape recording of the family massacre to distract the Not-Red Skull with suppressed memories of unimaginable pain while he gets into position to toss his shield at him. The Not-Red Skull is knocked over the wall of the fortress, falling harmlessly to the ocean below. FINALLY, IT’S DONE. And as he’s about to walk away, I love how Captain America stops to look directly at the camera as he passes by. I think he’s checking to see if anyone is still awake.

Milobar: And that bullet wound was on his other shoulder in the previous shot.

Donkey: Captain America and Sharon then stand and stare off into the distance at NOTHING.

Milobar: And once again the bullet wound is back on the other shoulder. Fuck, this movie is terrible. It’s just goddamn boring.

Donkey: Much like the character, so I guess it’s extremely appropriate. Almost genius even. I think I love you Captain America?

 

The Verdict:

Donkey: Fuck this movie, and fuck Captain America. This film is every bit as corrosive to the concept of entertainment as the hero on which it’s based. Though it has staggeringly hilarious moments, it’s mostly just aggressively boring. I give this one frozen national shame out of five.

Milobar: From now on, whenever I hear a Movie Executive complaining about how online piracy is killing the movie industry I’m going to slap him in the balls with a VHS copy of Captain America. Shitty movies like this are what is killing the industry you goddamn morons. First produce something that A) makes sense, and B) doesn’t make me feel dumber for having watched it, and then I might think about paying you for it. I give this movie one rural American virgin aspiring to be President out of one mother/daughter/Captain America three-way.

What We Learned:

Donkey: It’s possible to freeze a man for years and revive him, but it’s not possible to make it worth your while when he’s a massive douche. Go back out into the woods and play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself, Captain America.

Milobar: It is absolutely not creepy in any way to be flash frozen, woken up fifty years later, and then start fucking the daughter of your previous girlfriend. It’s called scientific progress assholes!

 

Don’t forget to check back every Thursday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Giant mechanical catastrophies fight for ultimate supremacy of nothing and the right to give you an ulcer in ROBOT JOX.

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