Allow us to introduce ourselves…

To understand their deeds, you must understand the men behind them. Eventually as their exploits grow, these three names will echo through the same halls of obscurity that are occupied by the movies which they subject themselves to.

Milobar is an almost thirty-ish male, and he is also a Man. That is right, he is a manly man that does what manly men do when they are being manly men. He catches birds out of the air and swallows them whole. He jumps from the backs of horses, after riding them off cliffs, and he lands on the moon. He wears a jetpack indoors, don’t ask why, he just fucking does! He could kill you with science and love you with obscure pop culture references. But most of all, he likes a nice quiet night at home with a warm cup of tea and a Jane Austen novel.

Blombo is the smooth talking master of GI Joe-reference-based seduction. If you’ve never met Blombo, chances are you’ve still had sex with him. If you have met him, chances are that you’re carrying his child. His love of retro 80′s cartoons is surpassed only by his passion for baked Pizza Pops, which he swears are the greatest delicacy in the history of the western world. Sure, they’re only slightly harder and take about twenty times as long to make as they would in the microwave, but you can’t rush quality.

Donkey is a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, nestled in a box of mystery, stuffed with a crunchy bread-like susbstance.  As such, not much is known about his origins. Some say he was raised by Shaolin monks who practiced the ancient craft of sexual harassment through interpretive dance. Some say he is a walking database of movie titles, actors’ names, and Weezie Jefferson quotes that was manufactured by the Swiss government only to be sent back through time to destroy us all. Still others say that the mustache came to be first, and that the man soon followed. Or he could just be a rather unremarkable thirty year old male. Some questions are best left unanswered.